Single Mamas Seen

Brand New: Starting Over Again

BY CHRISTINA MCGAIRK

I CAN’T BELIEVE I’m saying this, but this special needs mama is on the dating path again. Last time I decided to dip my little pinky toe into the dating pool, I got scared and quickly retreated back into my butterfly cave. Yet, this time, I’m wading through the sea of love to see what’s out there. But for a special needs mama like myself, dating is a bit trickier. There are so many aspects to consider, fears to confront, and a newfound courage to conjure up during the journey.

STARTING OVER:

Dating as a single mom with a child with exceptional needs isn’t easy. I’ve been upfront and honest with my life, sharing guarded details about my daughter with potential dating prospects. Some were honest about not being able to handle a child with exceptional needs and I appreciate their honesty. Others thought they would be up to the challenge, but found out they were not. However, I met someone who was accepting of TiTi and I and loved her as his own. But due to various factors, our relationship came to an end after six years. It was hard, especially for TiTi. She took it extremely hard to the point she didn’t eat or hardly slept for almost 2 weeks. Ever since then, I’ve decided not to introduce my daughter to who I’m dating unless I know the relationship is going to be serious. As her parent, I have to protect her at all costs. Honestly, since the break up 4 years ago, I really had no interest in dating again until recently. I missed the warmth of companionship. You know, holding hands, exchanging lingering glances, shared laughter, and all that other gushy stuff. But I must admit dating again is exciting, it’s also intimidating.

FACING MY FEARS:

Along with the dating nervous jitters comes the fears. I always have racing questions in my mind like “will they understand my life?”. Will they take the time to understand my daughter and autism? Will they understand that date nights have to be strategically planned and we can’t just do things on a whim? Basically I need someone who understands that my daughter and I are a package deal. There may be an abundance of challenges, hiccups, but also plenty of joy.

THE HEALING PROCESS:

Another thing I had to take into consideration was my heart status. I was single, but was my heart? Since the breakup 4 years ago, at times I wondered if I was still over him. Sometimes my mind would wander back to the good times, temporarily forgetting the turbulent times that led to the breakup. I had to unpack a lot of emotions and deal with them head on. Once I did that, I felt I was ready to move and love again.

FINDING THE TIME:

As most of you know, I’m a busy lady. Between after hour school events, therapy sessions, doctors appointments, church, magazine writing, and autism advocacy, when do I have time to date? The best way for me was to try online dating again. I figured I was already on the computer most of the time anyway, so why not? But fitting time to even search the websites in my already cluttered schedule was hard to do. So I had to make a conscious effort to carve the time in. As for time to actually go out on a date, I had to use my resources. For instance, in my case, asking our PAC provider to watch TiTi for a few hours. Even a virtual date would probably have to be an option. For instance, cooking and eating together virtually. This is what I call outside the box, creative planning.

THE DATING PROCESS:

Finding prospective men to date is just hard. I started my online dating journey a couple of months ago and it’s difficult to tell who was being honest or just a lot of hot air. Also, in the AI era, you don’t know if who you’re looking at is actually the same person behind the screen. Plus, I’ve dated a couple of frogs who were nothing but breath and britches or just passing the time because they were bored. I LITERALLY don’t have time for that!

THE SWEET CONNECTION:

But then, every once in a while, you meet someone who is actually as sweet as their profile reads. This happened to me recently. Without getting into too many details since it’s still fresh, he’s what I’ve been looking for, so far. Big, tall, and handsome, but most importantly, he loves God, is a gentleman, has drive and ambition, always takes my feelings into consideration, and the list goes on. He hasn’t met TiTi yet due to my choice, but he always asks about her and talks to her briefly while we’re on the phone. I’m not sure where this is going yet, but I am excited to see where this new adventure goes.

What I’ve learned so far through this journey is that I’m not just a special needs Mom. I’m a woman with thoughts, emotions, with an open heart to love again. So single mamas, it’s never too late to love with an open heart again. You will know when it’s the right time and what that looks like for you and your child.