Stand And Deliver

Stand And Deliver

a two act comedy play by Janet Shaw

Stand And Deliver

by Janet Shaw © Janet Shaw 1997. All Rights Reserved This e-script may not be copied or transcribed by any means electronic, optical or mechanical without the prior permission of the copyright owner or his agent. Photocopying this script without a suitable license is strictly prohibited.

This play is a work of fiction. Names and characters are the product of the author’s imagination and any resemblance to actual person, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

‘Stand And Deliver’ is fully protected under the international laws of copyright which are enacted in the UK as the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. The right of Janet Shaw to be identified as the author of the work has been asserted by her in accordance with the above Act. While every precaution has been taken in the preparation of this play, the publisher assumes no responsibility for errors or omissions, or for damages resulting from the use of the material contained herein.

Published, and worldwide rights held, by : Stagescripts Ltd, Lantern House, 84 Littlehaven Lane, Horsham, West Sussex, RH12 4JB, UK Telephone : 0845 686 0611 International : +44 (0)700 581 0581 www.stagescripts.com sales@ stagescripts.com Publication History: September 2003 : December 2013 :

First Edition Second Edition Stagescripts Ltd Registered in England and Wales No. 06155216

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SE-0076

Rev F

Synopsis This extremely funny play takes a 'behind the scenes' look into the world of the maternity ward. Join sex-mad nurse Lindsay Walker, and the four ladies on C Ward.

Vivien Withrington's husband forgot to pay the private health insurance, Lizzie has been caught out in the change of life, Nicola (whose baby will have to match the soft furnishings in her house) and gets confused easily, and Michelle whose only mistake was drinking alcopops and being sixteen.

Three of these four have the husband they deserve, who each tries to help his wife during the last few hours before 'the big push' in the only way they know best - by being a man, and either not being there, or retiring as often as possible to the TV Room. Michelle though, has her mum - a domineering matriarch who is desperate that the baby is adopted to prevent the shame of having to reveal that her daughter is an unmarried mother.

The delivery rooms are full and so Vivien (who desperately wanted to deliver in the birthing pool at the private ‘Fairhomes’ nursing home) and Nicola have to deliver in their beds on the ward, during which Sister Mitchell and Nurse Walker show their compassionate side.

Through all this, the two domestics (Dot and Brenda) provide a down-to-earth patter of comfort to the labouring mothers and barbed wit to the hospital staff.

It may sound like an unlikely setting for a comedy play, but Janet Shaw has a talent for turning the most incongruous situation and poking fun at it, or the people in it. This is truly a side-splitting comedy, which will leave you in stitches ... from laughing. It contains strong language and is not suitable for the easily offended.

Characters (4m, 10f) Principals (1m, 6f) Lindsay Walker : Sister Mitchell : Vivien Withrington : Nicola Ward : Kevin Ward : Michelle Greenwood : Lizzie Meadows :

a young midwife/nurse. Man-mad with a good bedside manner. a typical ward manager. Competent, but cold. a social climber, "keeps up with the Jones's", likes things her own way. first-time anxious mother-to-be, reads a birth manual to maintain her confidence. first-time anxious father-to-be, wants to video the whole affair. young, innocent, made a mistake, desperately wants to keep the baby. a mother of five teenage children.

Support (3m, 4f) Dr Mathers : Eric Meadows : Clive Withrington : Mrs Greenwood : Dot : Brenda : Trish Meadows :

a Doctor at the hospital, Lindsay's current sleeping partner. a 'traditional' northern father, old-fashioned views, strong Yorkshire accent. tries hard to give Vivien what she demands, not always successfully.

Michelle’s domineering mother, desperately wants to have the baby adopted. a middle aged domestic. another middle-aged domestic. Not as bright as Dot. the teenage daughter of Eric and Lizzie.

Production Notes Additional information on characterisation, costumes, sets, props etc are provided on page 34.

i

Stand And Deliver ACT 1 MUSIC : ‘BABY FACE’ (THE KINKS) A hospital ward with four beds and a Nurse’s desk. Lighting very dim. Enter Lindsay and Dr Mathers, his trousers are round his ankles and he is trying to catch Lindsay. FX: The telephone rings.

Mathers Lindsay Sister Lindsay

(Whispering). Get that.

(Whispering). You get it, I’m not supposed to be here.

(Offstage). I’m coming, I’m coming.

I’m glad one of us is.

Lights snap on. Lindsay and Dr Mathers dive to the other side of the bed

Sister

(Entering, she answers the phone). Sister Mitchell speaking. Oh, hello Dr Umantango … Have I got any empty beds? (She looks around). I might have. Is it anti-natal? What do you mean by

‘not exactly’? … Chronic obstruction of the rectal orifice … Are we talking piles here …

Is she another (coughs) friend of yours … She’s your niece. (Pulls an ‘I don’t believe that’ face). … How many flaming nieces have you got? Is it private … Yes, I know the anaesthetist will have to know. I meant, as opposed to NHS … (She holds the phone away from her ear). There’s no need to shout. (She puts the phone down). Piles, my arse. Hmm. (She dials a number). Hello, security? Dr Umantago’s hormones are troubling him again. Will you keep an eye on my beds … there is a shortage at the moment and no-one, and I mean no-one, comes in here without my permission, understand! (She hangs up). Fancy, the cheek of it, wanting to use my beds for fornication purposes. Mind you, he’s not the only one.

During the above dialogue, Dr Mathers’ hand reaches up onto the bed and searches around in a vain attempt to recover Lindsay’s knickers (the briefest of thongs). Sister starts to leave and picks the knickers up on the way past.

Sister

Reminds me of a piece of dental floss … Oh, and by the way Dr Mathers, your wife’s on her way down.

Exit Sister. Mathers and Lindsay scramble out from under the bed, and while he is trying to pull his zip up, she is trying to pull it down.

Mathers For God’s sake, Lindsay; my wife’s on her way down.

Lindsay Take no notice of her, she’s only jealous. Come on, where were we. (Pause). No, we were definitely past that.

Mathers I’ve lost the inclination now. (He goes once again to pull up his zip and Lindsay yanks it. He goes hopping around screaming in agony). My dick, you trapped my dick, bloody hell, you stupid mare!

Lindsay Come here let me kiss it better for you.

Mathers (Hopping around). Stay away from me you… you… (He turns his back on the audience and looks at his willy.) It’s bleeding. (He’s nearly crying by this time). Look. (He turns round quickly, then turns round again). No don’t look … It’s bleeding, real blood. Oh, my god! It’s hanging off, I’ll never be able to screw again.

Lindsay It’s only a scratch, you big baby. I’ve seen more blood on a lab slide. Here put a plaster on it.

She hands him a sticking plaster.

Mathers Oh yeah, bright idea, and how do I explain that to my wife.

Lindsay (Starts to laugh). Tell her the truth, she’ll never believe it anyway.

Mathers Yeah I can just see it: “Darling it’s like this, I was just going to screw Nurse Walker, when Sister Mitchell caught us and in my hurry to get my zip up I nearly amputated my dick! I’m sorry love, would you mind going without sex until my penis recovers from this ordeal”.

I think that would go down well.

Lindsay So does she, from what I hear.

Mathers And what do you mean by that snide remark.

Lindsay Oh, come on Phil; you must be the only one in this hospital that doesn’t know.

1

Mathers Lindsay Mathers Lindsay Mathers Lindsay Mathers

Doesn’t know what?

About her and Dr Umantango.

Richard Umantango, Women’s Surgical (He emphasises the word ‘Richard’).

(Dreamily). Yeah, he puts a whole new meaning to the expression: ‘clever dick’.

My wife isn’t, she couldn’t …

She is.

I don’t believe you … anyway I’m going I need to soak my willy in something soothing.

(Lindsay smiles a seductive insinuating smile at him). I’m off, before you cause any more damage.

Exit Dr Mathers. Lindsay sits on the desk and re-arranges her uniform. She then takes out an effigy of Sister Mitchell and sticks a pin in it.

Lindsay Take that you spoilsport … that’s my sex life ruined for today. He isn’t much good at it anyway, his nickname in maternity is ‘36 Weeks’ … (To the audience). Oh, God… are you lot thick? Premature…! Anyway, what are you doing here? Oh, I get it you’ve come early for tomorrow’s outpatients. Won’t work… those little red dots will still read: ‘Waiting Time, approximately ten and a half hours’. It won’t be long before you have to book your place in A&E, and then go out and break your leg. It’s the same at the doctors, you ring up for an appointment and the very polite receptionist says: “Yes OK, three weeks on Thursday” or “Ring tomorrow before nine” … “But I need to see a doctor today” you plead. “Is it urgent?” Is it urgent? Define urgent. Of course it’s bloody urgent. “Can’t you see your pharmacist? You might be able to buy something over the counter”. Have you ever tried to whisper ‘thrush’ in a crowded chemist shop? And men think eczema itches. You can buy that one-application tablet now. (She takes out a long handled plunger and tablet and imitates trying to insert tablet without it falling off the end of the plunger, eg crouching, lifting one leg, sitting on a chair, bending over etc).

It’s OK if you’re a contortionist… and as for the other common complaint, the least said about cranberry juice the better. (Enter Sister Mitchell, Dot and Brenda. Sister goes and stands behind Lindsay, while the domestics start mopping the floor). And as for Ghengis Khan, can you imagine her at it…? It doesn’t bear thinking about… it’s to be hoped they don’t have a water bed … it’d be like the battle for Moby Dick… aqua sumo wrestling… can you imagine the size of her knickers… I bet she gets them from ‘Rent-a-Tent’. (Sister Mitchell clears her throat. Lindsay doesn’t look round but tries to change tack on the conversation hoping Sister Mitchell thinks she is talking about someone else.) Anyway, as I was saying, my mother’s knickers are enormous.

Oh, hello Sister Mitchell, I was just discussing my mother’s thrush.

Dot I thought your mother kept budgies.

Sister You’re wanted in geriatrics, and Dorothy, there is dust under the beds again and the bins are full.

Dot The bins are always bloody full.

Sister Well they wouldn’t be if you emptied them.

Lindsay What am I wanted in geriatrics for?

Sister They’ve had an outbreak of gastric flu and seeing as you’re so full of it. You can go and help clean it up.

Exit Sister

Dot Brenda Dot Brenda Dot Brenda

(To Brenda). I suffer a lot with that there cystisis.

What’s that then?

You know, it feels like you’re peeing broken glass.

Oh I know… it burns dun’t it?

I don’t know… I’ve never tried to light it… My sister has had problems with her water-works for years.

Tell me about it… I had the plumber out three times last week and me tap’s still dripping.

Dot looks at her and shakes her head.

Dot Brenda

Hey, Lindsay; how come they’ve kicked you out of orthopaedics? I bet you’re missing all them lovely footballers with broken legs? Having withdrawal symptoms are you?

Isn’t she on the pill?

2

I wasn’t kicked out.

Removed sideways?

Horizontal, I heard.

It wasn’t my fault that gorgeous hunk from the Park Tavern fell out of bed and broke his other leg. I was only giving him a bed bath.

Dot Yeah, and you just happened to bend over to pick up the soap, and wallop, he was on the floor, plaster cast smashed, and his other femur sticking out like a rampant willy.

Brenda Anyway, where are all the pregnant women, frightened them off have you?

Lindsay There hasn’t been anyone in here since Michelle, Nicola, Lizzie and Vivien.

Dot What a week that was.

Brenda You can say that again.

Dot What a flamin’ week that was.

Brenda I didn’t really mean for you to say it again.

Dot Here, are you going to tell this lot what happened?

Lindsay I think I had better start at the beginning, and you two, you’re wanted on geriatrics… a little bit of shit shifting I think.

Dot Got your marigolds.

Brenda Brand new ones.

Dot Go on Lindsay, tell ‘em what happened.

Lindsay Brenda Dot Lindsay

Exit Brenda and Dot.

Lindsay It all started with Nicola and Kevin. Mr and Mrs Perfect. Wanted a little girl. Going to call her Haley. She didn’t want us to tell her the sex of the baby so we couldn’t say that there was a little willy waving around on the screen.

Enter Nicola and her husband Kevin, holding hands. She is wearing a sensible nightie, and carries her ‘Everything You Need To Know About Childbirth’ book. He is carrying a video camera and a small overnight bag. He videos everything and everybody

Kevin Nicola Kevin Nicola Lindsay

I don’t understand it, that other doctor said you were alright.

It’s better to be safe than sorry, Kev. I’ve got me book, so I’ll look it up.

Aye, you can’t make sense of what any of ‘em say. Even them that speaks English.

Anyway, I am 36 weeks, it’s not that premature.

(To the audience). That’s a matter of opinion. (To Nicola). Right then, let’s get you settled. Bed rest is it? I haven’t seen your notes yet.

Enter Sister Mitchell carrying two jugs and a chart.

Sister Now then Mrs Ward. It is Mrs Ward I take it?

Lindsay (To the audience). She has a thing about unmarried mothers, insists on calling them Miss all the time. I don’t think she realises that no one gives a damn anymore, in fact I bet there are more Misses than Mrs’s giving birth these days… if you know what I mean?

Sister (Ignoring her). This is for fluid in, and this one is for fluid out. Mark it on this chart, there’s a good girl. And don’t get the jugs mixed up, we don’t want baby drinking nasty germs… do we?

Nicola I’m sorry I don’t understand.

Sister (Very slowly). This jug is for fluid in, and this one is for fluid out… Write it on the chart…

Lindsay You measure all you drink in this one, (holding up the jug) write it in here, (holds up the chart) and you pee into this one, and write it in there. And don’t mix them up or you’ll be drinking out of the one you peed in. Is that about right, Sister?

Sister That’s exactly what I said.

Lindsay Yeah, only I said it in English.

Sister Right now, into bed with you. Mr Ward can come back and see you tonight. Mother and baby need to rest.

Kevin has been filming all of this. She ushers Kevin out of the ward.

3

What’s wrong with me Sister, am I going to lose my baby.

Now, now we mustn’t talk like that, wait until Doctor has seen you, and he’ll tell you what you need to know. (She exits).

Lindsay I know you’re worried, but worry only makes it worse. When the Doctor’s been, just tell me what he has said, and I’ll interpret it for you, because they all talk the same language here. It’s a cross between Swahili and a load of bollocks. (Nicola laughs). That’s better, try to relax. (Lights off on ward. Light up on stage apron. To the audience). It’s quite straight forward what’s wrong with her, but does anybody bother to sit down and re-assure her? No; so by the time the doctor arrives and tells her that this problem happens in two out of every ten, she has worried herself into blood pressure and set the baby off in distress. If some of these doctors just stopped to think for one minute, and then spent another one explaining the situation… but then again none of the male species will ever be in the situation, will they? It would be a different kettle of fish then, wouldn’t it? It would be like ‘Match Of The Day’ … just try to imagine it!

Nicola Sister

She stands well to the side of the stage. MUSIC : ‘MATCH OF THE DAY’ (BBC TV). Enter Kev and Dr Mathers.

Kevin looks nine months pregnant. They warm up to the music, bending and stretching.

Mathers Right then, Kev; this is where we’re at. We’re approaching the last five minutes and we’ve all to play for. And may I add, I thought your good lady was totally offside there, she should have got the red card without a doubt. They don’t understand… totally without feelings. I mean what got you into this mess in the first place? Defences down were they?

Kev Totally. She caught me at a weak moment. There was nothing I could do… bang, she hit the target, the goal was completely exposed, Seaman was everywhere but it didn’t make any difference. (Note : Mr Seaman is a noted UK football player).

Mathers Seaman… Arsenal?

Kev No … the conventional way.

Mathers Well, the damage is done; but we have got to make the other side sit up and take notice. We’re not going to lose this one. Any tactic will do, mate. Tears if necessary… she has got to realise this is teamwork. We’re here on the bench for you. To encourage you, to show you new moves, to give you that final push. We’ll explain in detail every move, every play of the ball. I have it on video. Action replays, slow motion. We have experts galore just waiting for the opportunity to tell you what they think. Nothing is too much trouble for my star player. This is a game of two halves, conception and delivery. The conception may have been vital for scoring but now the delivery will give us a result.

Kevin Thanks boss, I couldn’t have got through this without you.

Mathers That’s what I’m here for. On the head, son.

He heads a soft football offstage. Exit Dr Mathers and Kevin. Enter Dot.

Lindsay Dot Lindsay Dot

Oh aye, it would be different then.

What would?

If men had babies.

Don’t make me laugh… there would only be one man ever had a baby. They couldn’t cope with the pain. Can you imagine their face if a woman doctor tried to shove her hand up their ‘hows-yer-father’. Men would soon go off sex if they had to deal with childbirth. Ain’t that right girls? Sex object would have a different meaning. You’d want sex, and they’d object!

Lindsay It would be a dammed sight better organised. There wouldn’t be twenty appointments all made for two o’clock.

Dot Have you been in anti-natal today. It’s like a bleeding cattle market. This lot for weighing… this lot for blood; next lot for ultrasound. That lot for urine… it’s all right for men peeing in a bottle, but us women have a bit of trouble in that department. I mean… look at the size of that. (She holds up a specimen bottle) Come on. We’re bloody shit hot at most things, but that defies logic.

We can’t write our names in the snow.

Lindsay And now comes man’s best invention ever. Coloured arrows.

4

Dot What?

Lindsay You have to follow coloured arrows around. Can you imagine it? All these huge pregnant women looking at the floor trying to find the green arrow that will send them back to the start.

We had one poor soul wandering around for ten hours. It turned out she was colour blind.

Dot Oh shit.

Lindsay What’s up?

Dot I’ve just sent Brenda down there with a bucket of bleach. I thought somebody had spilt some paint… Oh well, never mind. She’s due for another bollocking.

Enter Dr Mathers.

Lindsay Mathers Lindsay Mathers Lindsay Mathers Lindsay

Mathers Dot Mathers

I thought you were in anti-natal today.

I am, but it’s too bloody hot. I’ve nipped out for a breather.

I’m glad you think so. Just imagine being nine months pregnant.

I don’t know what women find to moan about. That’s what they were put on this earth for and all they do is moan.

How far behind are you with the appointments?

A couple of hours.

Is that all? And when they all have sky high blood pressure, you’ll wonder why. And what will you say? (Dr Mathers opens his mouth to speak, but Lindsay carries on). You’ll say: “Have you been a naughty girl, doing too much?”. (Dr Mathers opens his mouth to speak again, but Lindsay still continues). And she says: “Oh yeah, just roller-bladed down to the supermarket, did a Gerry Halliwell work-out, had a right good shag with my old man and jogged all the way here”.

And now… now, some silly pillock thought it would be a good idea to close down the only maternity unit in the area and move the whole kit and caboodle to Pontefract (or local town).

I bet it’s a bloke that thought that one up.

It’s not far, everybody has cars these days.

No they do not. I ain’t got a car.

There’s not much chance of you getting pregnant is there?

Dot gives him a filthy look.

I’d like to know which pillock it was ‘an all. And I’d like to see them put on an eight month pregnancy prosttitusis.

Lindsay Prosthesis.

Dot Aye, one of them; and travel from Wrenthorpe to Pontefract (or two local towns) with a two year old and buggy. And that doesn’t mean waiting for the chauffeured limo and leaving toddler with nanny. It means getting on three buses there and back without losing the baby, toddler or sanity.

Mathers Rubbish, men could do that with one hand tied behind their back. Women can’t cope. End of story. (Beat). Anyway, what were you talking about?

Lindsay Oh yes, let me get back to my story. I was talking about last week. You know… Michelle and Vi-vi-en.

Dot

Dr Mathers looks round in panic.

Mathers She’s not come back has she… ohhhh. I’m off. She scared the living daylights out of me!

Exit Dr Mathers.

Lindsay Anyway, back to the plot… next to arrive was Lizzie. She’d fallen for a change of life baby.

Three of her teenage children weren’t speaking to her. Lizzie was great, one of life’s nice people. You know the kind… makes her own jam and actually likes ironing.

Lights up on the Ward. Enter Lizzie and one of her daughters, who has on dark glasses; a pulled-down hat and the collar turned up on her coat.

5

Trish

Lizzie Trish Lizzie

Trish Lizzie Trish Lizzie Trish Lizzie Trish Lizzie Trish Lizzie Trish Lizzie Trish Lizzie Trish Lizzie

Oh, Mam, I’m sure that was Tony Firth, you don’t think he saw me do you? Not with you… like that… oh Mam, I’ll never be able to look at him again. He’ll know that you and me dad are still at it. Oh, I’m so embarrassed. Anyway if you’ve got to stop in here who’s going to get me dad’s tea. I can’t, I’ve got to go out tonight. And our Mandy’s seeing Shane, Oh, sod ‘im; he’ll just have to have fish and chips. Mam, did you wash my jeans before you came here.

Cause if you didn’t, I can’t go out. Yer did Mam, didn’t you?

I’m sure I heard them say “placenta previous”.

Placenta Previous … Placenta Previous… (thinking for a moment) isn’t he one of them three tenors. What’s he got to do with having the baby?

That’s serious! I saw it on ‘This Morning’ (UK daytime TV show) once. That Doctor … Steele, that’s it, he says it’s serious. There were a woman rang in from Heckmondwike who’d had placenta previous.

What do you mean by “had Placenta Previous”. You mean she had sex with him?

Who Dr Steele?

No, Placenta Previous. Did he sing for her?

It’s not the same now Richard and Judy have left.

They weren’t in the three tenors were they?

No they were on ‘This Morning’.

Who were?

Richard and Judy.

Richard and Judy who?

Trish, go home please; you’re giving me a headache.

Charming. I risk being seen by every available man I know, coming here with you… like that!

And now you want me to go. Right then… see you, Mam. I’m sorry love, I’m worried that’s all.

I know you are, Mam. I’m sorry… it’s just come as a shock to us.

It were a bit of a shock for me an’ all.

I’m a selfish cow, aren’t I? (Wants to say yes, but doesn’t want another row). Trish, you’re just young, that’s all. I know how you feel, I never believed your granny and granddad did all the things me and your dad do.

She is just making things worse; Trish starts to think about it.

Trish Lizzie Trish

Lizzie Trish Lizzie Trish Lizzie

Me granny and granddad… oh mam, you don’t think they’re still at it an’all. That’s disgusting.

Just because you reach maturity doesn’t mean you stop having bodily functions you know.

The only bodily function me granddad should be having is incontinence. Oh mam, I think I’m going to be sick. Me granddad’s all wrinkly and me gran… oh, I’ll never be able to look her in the eye again… or anywhere else for that matter!

So what you’re saying is that everyone over the age of thirty should stop having sex.

Thirty? Twenty-five more like.

I’ll remind you of this conversation in a few years time.

I didn’t mean me, mam.

Now why doesn’t that surprise me.

Lindsay sees Lizzie is getting deeper and deeper and goes to help.

Lindsay Come on love, I’ll show you the back way out. We can’t have your street-cred destroyed can we?

Trish (Not realising Lindsay is patronising her). Oh thanks, you’re a pal, I’m glad someone understands.

Lindsay And don’t you be worrying too much about your mother. We’ll look after her… you’ve enough on your plate… I know what it’s like when you don’t know if your jeans are washed. They don’t realise how important it is to us…

Trish (Beginning to doubt her sincerity). Right… yer… er… thanks.

6

Lizzie

(Shouting after her). I’ve put a supply of meals for you all in the freezer, they’re all labelled.

And your jeans are in your drawer. Have a nice time love, bye. (Exit Trish). Placenta previous,

it is serious, isn’t it?

Lindsay If that’s what it is, then yes, it can be. But having said that, at least they know about it. (She pats Lizzie’s hand). Now, stop worrying about your brood, they’ll get by. Just relax, pretend you’re having a few days off. Let us do the worrying for you.

Lizzie I didn’t leave instructions on how to use the microwave, and I bet they’ll not think to take the food out of those foil cartons. Our Jason’s bound to blow it up.

Lindsay It’s a shame we can’t all be parents before we’re kids, isn’t it.

Enter Mrs Greenwood and Michelle, followed by Dot and Brenda who start to empty the bins into a bin bag.

Lindsay (To the audience). If there were ever a time when I nearly lost it, it was when our next guest arrived. In all my years as a nurse, I have never seen a more suitable person for a heart transplant and they wouldn’t have to bother taking the old one out, because she didn’t bloody well have one!

Mrs G Go and put your nightie on, I’ll talk to the nurse. And Michelle please remember to speak properly, you come from Pickering (‘posh’ local town/area) not Peacock (not so ‘posh’ local town/area).

Hey, there’s nowt wrong with Peacock.

Only a bit of a social problem.

What do you mean: ‘a social problem’?

If you can’t fight or run, and you don’t have a big brother, you stop in!

I can’t remember asking for your opinion. (Exit Michelle to get changed). Now, I’ll lay my cards on the table, nurse. My daughter is not keeping this baby. It’s going straight for adoption, so I don’t want her having anything to do with it… do I make myself clear. Nothing whatsoever.

Lindsay All this will be in her notes, Mrs…?

Mrs G Greenwood. Mrs Greenwood. She’s got to put all this behind her and get on with her studies.

She has her GCSE’s in four weeks. She’s got all her books with her and I would appreciate it if you make sure she studies for at least four hours every day. It’s due in six days, so let’s hope it’s early then everything can get back to normal and it can all be forgotten about. Her father and I won’t be here until tomorrow. I have a Ladies Circle meeting tonight and we live in Pickering, that’s near York. I don’t want people in our hospital knowing my business. I do a lot of charity work there you know; the fewer people who know about this little indiscretion, the better. No one but immediate family knows about the mess our Michelle’s got herself into… and I would like it to stay that way. If any of her friends find out she’s here, I will hold you personally responsible. We don’t want any scandal. Michelle’s father is a very important man in York. He’s a banker.

Dot Is that some kind of rhyming slang?

Brenda Dunno.

Mrs G Do I make myself clear?

Lindsay Transparently clear, Mrs Greenwood.

Mrs G Right then, I’ll be going before she comes back. I can’t cope with tears; and nurse, remember what I said.

Lindsay How could I possibly forget.

Mrs G And what are you two staring at?

Dot Don’t know darling, the label’s dropped off.

Mrs G I shall report you.

Dot You’ll have to get in the queue.

Mrs G I don’t know what the National Health is coming to.

Dot Ask the bloody government, they reckon to know.

Mrs G The government is Labour. I am a Conservative Dot Well that’s a shock!

Mrs G I shall be speaking to your superiors.

Brenda Dot Brenda Dot Mrs G

7

Dot

You’ll have to find ‘em first.

Exit Mrs Greenwood. Enter Michelle.

Michelle Has she gone?

Lindsay Yes, she’s gone. She said something about a Ladies Circle meeting.

Michelle Yes, that sounds about right. The Ladies Circle always comes first. I heard what she said about my friends, but if anyone called Andy rings, Andy Burton, please tell him that I’m here… please nurse.

Michelle goes off to get into bed.

Lindsay Brenda Dot Lindsay

Dot

Of course I’ll tell him, I’m here to look after the welfare of the patients, not their mothers.

Here, Lindsay. You’ve got some bottle.

Bleeding hell, she’s worse than Ghengis Khan. Mighty mouth or what?

Ah, but I know that Andy Burton isn’t going to ring… it says so right here: ‘Father of unborn child, Andrew Matthew Burton, aged nineteen. When heard of impending addition, buggered off to Bognor to become a Redcoat’. She’s just a kid herself. Just turned sixteen. She should still be screaming after One Direction, not about to scream, down on delivery. They can give you all the sex education they like, but it still doesn’t prepare you for bastards like that.

Poor cow

Michelle is unpacking her bag. She puts her cuddly toy on the bed and a picture on the locker.

Lindsay See what I mean. Just a flaming kid.

Enter Vivien and Clive.

Lindsay (To the audience). It was all very tame until now, then the shit really hit the fan. You see Clive here, had forgotten to renew the private health insurance.

Vivien How could you. How could you do this to me. I mean, just look around Clive, it’s so… so (lowering her voice) common. My ladies would not believe it, if they saw me in here. (To Lindsay). Now nurse, be a good girl and show me to my room.

Dot Bleeding Nora! Nurse show the lady to her room; come on, today if you don’t mind!

Lindsay Your room?

Vivien Clive, you did book a private room… in this, this… this…

Lindsay Hospital?

Vivien Yes… well, that is a matter of opinion. Now get whoever is in charge in here… right now.

Lindsay I don’t think that’s a good idea.

Vivien I didn’t ask for your opinion, Nurse. Just do as you are told.

Lindsay OK, you asked for it. (She exits).

Brenda Having a baby are you love?

Vivien Your intelligence amazes me!

Dot Well if she isn’t, she’s got a lot of wind!

Vivien And you are?

Dot Dorothy, at your service.

Vivien Go and empty some bins or something.

Dot (To Brenda). Nice bag.

Brenda It’s one of them Herpes things.

Dot I weren’t talking about the handbag.

Vivien If you say one more word, I will report you.

Dot goes to open her mouth, but Brenda speaks for her.

Brenda Vivien

You’ll have to get in the queue.

Clive, I want you to ring that insurance company now, and demand that they re-instate your insurance. Failing that, you will pay for me to go into Fairhomes for the delivery. Clive do you hear me?

8

Clive

Vivien

Clive

I have told you before, Vivien; I am not paying in the region of five thousand pounds to have your ego pampered. I was delivered here and there is nothing wrong with this hospital, the staff or the equipment.

We’ll see about that. (Turning him round so no one can hear her). Clive… if you ever, and I mean ever, want our relations to be resumed after this baby is born… you will do as I ask… Do you understand what I’m saying?

Yes, it’s going to cost me five thousand pounds to screw my own wife. Darling you have me by the short and curlies. I don’t know about a health and beauty studio, you should be running your own brothel, you’d make a bloody fortune.

Enter Sister Mitchell reading Vivien’s notes.

Vivien

Ah good, the organ grinder. And Clive, please don’t swear.

Sister raises her eyebrows and looks over the top of her glasses.

Sister Vivien

Clive Vivien Clive Vivien Sister Vivien

Mrs Withrington, do we have a problem?

No Sister, we do not have a problem, you have a problem. I don’t know if you have noticed, but I am pregnant. I need my own room… I cannot possibly be expected to share a room with strangers who probably snore. Do you have any idea who I am. My husband is Clive Withrington. Name ring a bell? He probably supplies this hospital with most of their medical equipment. Withringtons … you have heard of it? … He is a big name in this city and he is (lowering her voice) a brickie.

Mason, dear. I don’t think the sister is interested.

Well she should be, no doubt her boss is in the same chalet as you. He will be told.

Lodge, dear.

Whatever… now where is that room?

Out the door, first on the left.

Thank you. You see being firm does work. Clive, get my bag, come along.

Clive picks up her designer bag and they exit. Sister is still reading the notes she doesn’t look up at all. Lindsay sniggers.

Sister Something funny, nurse?

Lindsay (Shaking her head). No, sister.

Enter a fuming Vivien. with Clive behind her trying not to laugh.

Vivien Sister

I suppose sending me to the sluice room was your idea of a joke, Sister. Well, I’m telling you …

(Looking up from her notes). No, Mrs Withrington! Firstly, I do not tell jokes. Secondly, I am telling you. We do not have private rooms on this ward. Everybody is treated exactly the same, whether they have money, or they don’t. I don’t give a damn who you are, or what your husband does. Your baby will come out the same way as everybody else’s, because I’m sure it got there in the same way. Now get undressed and get into bed… that one there. (To Clive).

Goodbye… (Exit Clive, bemused. Vivien is completely taken aback by this outburst as no one usually dares to answer her back. Lindsay is trying not to laugh and the other three just look gobsmacked.

Vivien opens her mouth to protest and Sister shoves a thermometer straight in). Right then, glad

that’s sorted out. I’ll be in my office if anyone needs me. Nurse, make sure Mrs Withrington is put down for the full works, and I mean… (wickedly) everything!

Lindsay Would you like to get changed, Viv, or is there something you don’t want us to see.

Lindsay takes out the thermometer and Vivien flounces offstage.

Vivien The name is Vivien, Viv-i-en.

Lindsay Withringtons, medical supplies… hmm. (She picks up the phonebook, looks for a while and then dials a number). Yes, I wonder if you can help me. I understand you manufacture medical equipment… oh, really… do you deliver… great. I’ll have three… Ward M11… the hospital… yes… definitely. I thought so… thought the name rang a bell. (She hangs up). Medical supplies, my backside. Viv’s husband makes equipment all right… Bloody vibrators! Oh, this should be funny.

Enter Vivien in a pink nightie and a negligee trimmed with Marabou feathers.

9

Vivien

Lindsay Vivien Lindsay Vivien Lindsay Lizzie Vivien Lizzie Vivien Lizzie Vivien

Lizzie Vivien Lizzie Vivien Lizzie Vivien Michelle Vivien Michelle Vivien Michelle Vivien Michelle Vivien Michelle Vivien Michelle Vivien Michelle Vivien Nicola Michelle Vivien Michelle Dot Vivien

I hope it says in my notes that I want a water birth. At Fairhomes they actually have a birthing Jacuzzi. They play classical music and they give you champagne and caviar to take your mind of the pain. I trust you have the equivalent here. Harrods do deliver.

I am sure we will be able to come up with something suitable. Lidl (a cheap UK supermarket) is just down the road.

That is of course unless my husband arranges my transfer to Fairhomes. Now then, what time is dinner and what is on the menu?

I am afraid you’ll have to have what’s left today, and I think it is shepherd’s pie. Is that all right with you, Viv. Vivien, and not that is not all right. Haven’t you heard about mad cow disease?

There’s only one mad cow in here and it’s wearing a pink nightie.

The food in here is quite nice actually. I’ve been in here five times. The staff are very nice and they do know what they are doing.

If they know what they’re doing, how come you have been here five times. And what on earth possesses a middle-aged woman to actually want another baby.

It wasn’t actually planned.

I should think not. That would have been grossly obscene. Catholic are you?

No, Methodist… By the way my name is Elizabeth Meadows, but most people call me Lizzie.

Well, I am not most people, and I will call you Elizabeth. If you’re not a Catholic, why are you doing it? I can’t understand anyone wanting to go through this grotesque disfigurement if there were an alternative. Especially at your age. Surely you could have had an… (whispering) abortion?

I didn’t want an abortion, I actually like children.

You like children … but they’re dirty and snivelly, and their noses run.

What are you having then?

A baby of course, that’s different.

But your baby will grow into a dirty, snivelly nose-running child.

Oh no it won’t, mine will be different, I will not have a baby whose nose runs.

What a load of bollocks.

I beg your pardon.

I said you talk a load of bollocks.

I knew this would happen, I told Clive there were bound to be common people in here and I was right. I mean you’re hardly out of nappies yourself and you have the nerve to swear at me.

Just because I’m young, doesn’t mean I don’t have an opinion. Why shouldn’t she have a baby just because she’s older?

She should have been more responsible, I mean there are ways and means of stopping pregnancy.

Then why didn’t you?

Well, nobody told me that the pill didn’t work if you were taking antibiotics.

You should have read the instructions.

Well who do you know that actually reads those things.

People who don’t get pregnant.

And I suppose you did, so how did you end up like that?

None of your bleeding business.

Charming.

I think it’s lovely that Lizzie wants to keep her baby.

Yeah, isn’t it just.

Look, just what is your problem?

People like you, who think they know it all and know absolutely bugger all. You’re just like my bloody mother.

Hear, hear.

Do you have to use profanities every time you open your mouth.

10

Michelle Brenda Dot Brenda Dot Vivien Michelle Dot Vivien

No I don’t have to…

(Interrupting the conversation). ‘Ere Dot, what’s a profanity.

One of them new fangled sanitary towels I think.

One of them with wings?

Don’t care for them myself… they stick to your feathers.

As I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted. It isn’t ladylike to swear.

I don’t profess to be a lady.

No, but her bloody mother does.

And rightly so. There is nothing wrong with social graces, and who asked your opinion?

Go and empty some bed pans.

Dot Not my job.

Vivien I didn’t ask for a curricula vitta (sic), just go away.

Brenda ‘Ere Dot, what’s a curricula vita?

Dot. It’s same as a chicken tikka.

Michelle Don’t take any notice of her she’s just being arsy.

Vivien There you go again. Do try not to swear.

Nicola My mother used to wash my mouth out with disinfectant if she heard me swear.

Michelle What did you do then?

Nicola I didn’t let her hear me.

They all laugh.

Lindsay That’s better, now then I’m off on my break, buzz your buzzer if you need anything. (Vivien starts looking for her buzzer). Viv… I mean anything important, like if your waters break, not if you break a fingernail. We don’t have those kind of facilities here.

Dot ‘Ere come on girl… it’s past our clocking-off time.

Brenda We haven’t finished the bins.

Dot Bugger the bins.

Exit Lindsay, Dot and Brenda.

Vivien Michelle Vivien Nicola Lizzie Nicola Michelle Lizzie Michelle Lizzie Michelle Vivien Michelle Lizzie Michelle

Viv-i-en. I don’t know how they get jobs these days. Nursing used to be an elite profession and she’s so…

Common?

Exactly.

Does anyone know why they are in here? I can’t seem to find out anything.

They’ll tell you, when they think you ought to know.

But I want to know now, I’m worried sick, there’s something wrong with my baby, something they’re not telling me.

At least they don’t talk about you as if you’re not there.

Why what do you mean?

Nothing.

You can talk about it you know, sometimes it helps.

Why bother, no one listens to you.

I hope Clive remembers to bring my vanity case with him tonight.

See what I mean.

I’m listening love, if you want to talk.

No… but thanks anyway.

Nicola goes and sits with Lizzie.

Nicola Lizzie Nicola

Doesn’t it bother you that they don’t tell you what’s wrong.

I just feel what you don’t know, you can’t worry over.

But that’s just the point, I’m worrying over what I don’t know, and that’s just as bad.

11

Vivien

Nicola Vivien Nicola Vivien Lizzie Vivien Nicola Vivien Nicola Vivien Nicola Vivien Nicola Lizzie Vivien Nicola Vivien Nicola Lizzie Vivien Lindsay Vivien

Lindsay Vivien Lindsay Vivien Lindsay Nicola Lindsay Vivien Lindsay

Well ask then, you silly girl; you’ve got a tongue in your head… demand you are told. After all, it’s your body and it’s your baby. Do you know what sex it is? I want a boy, but I think Clive would like a girl. We decided not to find out, I love a surprise.

I want a little girl and I’m going to call her Hayley.

What if it’s a boy?

No… it’s a girl, I know, everyone says so. My book says if you crave savoury it’s definitely a girl. So there was no need for the scan to confirm what I already know.

What about you, Elizabeth?

I’m really not bothered as long as it’s alright. I’ve two boys and three girls so it really doesn’t matter, so I didn’t ask either… whatever will be, will be.

Michelle? (Michelle bursts into tears and runs out of the ward). What did I say, what in God’s name did I say?

I think from what we can gather, she’s giving her baby up for adoption.

Oh dear… do you think I put my foot in it?

Right up to your armpits.

Come on then out with it. What do you know?

I wasn’t really listening.

Of course you weren’t.

But her mother told the nurse that she wasn’t allowed anything to do with the baby when it was born.

That’s awful.

That’s sensible, if she’s having it adopted. But go on… is there more?

Not really, I just felt it was her mother’s decision, not hers.

Rubbish, these girls of today have no morals. She’s probably had more boyfriends than we’ve had hot breakfasts.

Dinners. I think you mean dinners.

They’re not bad really. Sometimes a bit cold, but on the whole…

What are you talking about, Elizabeth; we’re talking about sex, not meat and two veg.

(Shaking her head as she enters). I won’t try to explain that one.

Nurse Walker, I know you are not supposed to divulge a patient’s private details. God knows I would certainly sue if you divulged mine but as we already know, you will not be breaking confidentiality, will you.

That’s too complicated for me, Viv. Is it a lateral-thinking thing?

Vivien! Michelle… is she giving her baby up for adoption?

Who told you?

So it is true.

I didn’t say that.

I overheard her mother Ah mighty gob… yes it’s true, so don’t you go upsetting her.

I’m, er, afraid that might be a little late.

Oh Viv… nice one… if your mouth could run, you’d win an Olympic gold. Which way did she go?

They all point left. Lindsay leaves but comes back before the end of the following conversation.

That’s charming, you lot just let me take the blame on that one. Anyway, as I was saying, it’s probably just her hormones. What on earth would a young girl like that do with a baby? She should have thought about the consequences before she indulged. They give in too easily these days. It takes away the air of mystique. You’ve got to remain unavailable… give in and they think they’ve got you just where they want you… on your back… you have to use your feminine wiles. I mean, take my Clive for example. He was a man of the world… if you know what I mean… he had girls laying down at his feet… I mean he’s handsome, witty, charming.

Lindsay Rich.

Vivien

12

Vivien Lindsay Vivien Lindsay Vivien Lindsay Nicola Vivien Lizzie Lindsay Lizzie Vivien Lizzie Lindsay Lizzie Lindsay Vivien

Extremely, and he could have had his pick, but he chose me… and why? Because he had to fight for my virtue… I didn’t give myself to him the first time he snapped his fingers.

The second?

Certainly not, I kept him waiting and it paid off. He asked me to marry him and I did.

How long did you keep him waiting.

Three weeks.

That long, wow… you must have lead-lined knickers girl!

I was going out with Kev for over six months before we did it.

See what I mean, and she got her man, didn’t she. What about you, Elizabeth?

I waited until we were married. I was a virgin until I walked down that aisle.

I’m shocked, you mean you had sex in church?

I mean you just didn’t do things like that when I was young, or if you did you certainly didn’t talk about it.

Oh come off it, Elizabeth… you must have been a teenager in the seventies… the Sex Pistols, Grease, Margaret Thatcher, My Ding a Ling…

You’ve read too many books, it certainly wasn’t like that in our house… my father made it his mission in life never to leave me and Eric alone.

Where there’s a willy, there’s a way.

Not with my Father, he was built like a brick shit-house. Yeah, the only time you were going to have sex was with a ring on your finger.

That makes your three weeks looks a bit sick, Viv. Vivien … so where is Michelle, she hasn’t jumped into the sluice has she?

Enter Michelle.

Michelle No, she bloody hasn’t, and for your information, yes, I am having this baby adopted. No, I don’t want to keep it. I wish it wasn’t there, but it is. I’ve my future to think about. I’m going to be a solicitor, get married when I am twenty-eight, and give my mother a grandchild she can be proud of.

Vivien My, my, that was well rehearsed. I think those are your mother’s words.

Michelle I don’t give a toss what you think.

Enter Sister.

Sister

Visiting time, girls… have we got our lipstick on, and smiles on our faces? We don’t want our husbands to see us miserable, do we? (They all look at each other downheartedly). Yes, well, er… er… what have you been doing to them, Nurse? Feeding them happy pills?

Exit Sister. Lizzie’s husband Eric enters. He comes in with a newspaper under his arm and a plastic carrier bag.

He speaks with a broad Yorkshire accent.

Eric Lizzie

Hello love, all right are you. (He throws the bag on the bed). Ah’ve brought you somat.

That’s nice dear.

She opens the bag and takes out a pair of his socks.

They’ve got a hole in ‘em. I thought you could sew ‘em up whilst yer doing nowt.

Elizabeth, you’re not really going to do that are you?

By gawd, she’s a posh cow in’t she? Our Trish ow’t to get some of them electrocution lessons off her.

Vivien My good man…

Eric What lass?

Lindsay Viv… you’re out of your depth there.

Eric (Spoken in the broadest Yorkshire accent possible) Aye up old cock, sae what tha means… Tha dunt alas talk wi that there plum in tha gob, tell us what’s mythering yer.

Vivien Would somebody please translate that for me? I haven’t a clue what he’s talking about.

Eric Vivien Eric

Enter Clive carrying an enormous teddy bear and a bouquet of flowers. Vivien smiles a smug smile.

Clive

Darling, am I forgiven?

13

Vivien Clive Lindsay Vivien

(Through clenched teeth). Only if you’re taking me to Fairhomes.

You’re not going to like this.

Oh shit… then we’re not going to like it either.

Clive, I am warning you; what I said before, I mean it. I will not consume our relationship after this baby is born.

Lindsay Viv, you mean consummate.

Vivien I know what I mean… and so does he.

Enter Kevin carrying a bag of grapes.

Kev Nicola Kev Nicola Kev Nicola Kev Nicola Kevin Nicola Kevin Nicola Kev Nicola Kevin

Hi ya.

Hi ya.

I’ve done the washing, dusted, and changed the bed.

The bed doesn’t get changed until Thursday.

Never mind… I’ve done the shopping… what colour toilet rolls do we have?

Green, Kevin. We have green toilet rolls.

Sorry, I got pink.

Pink! Kevin are you stupid or what? Pink toilet rolls do not match our bath mat. I did write you a shopping list… didn’t you follow it?

Of course, but you didn’t write down the colour, did you.

I didn’t think I’d have to. I suppose red kitchen rolls were out of the question.

Blue?

How could you, they will look awful… take them back and change them.

Alright, I’ll take them back tomorrow. Have they told you anything yet?

Not a word; I have looked it up in my book though.

What does it say?

She reads a paragraph from the book which is all medical.

“Toxaemia occurs in about five per cent of all pregnancies. It usually occurs in the final month.

Characteristics are blood pressure …”, I’ve got that, “body swelling”, I’ve got that, “protein in the urine”, I think I’ve got that, “headache”, I’ve definitely got that…

Kev Oh… right then… what does it mean?

Nicola I haven’t got a clue, but Vivien says I should demand to know.

Kev Right then, that’s what we’ll do… I’ll go and see the Sister now. What’s her name?

Lindsay (Discreetly listening in to all the conversations whilst reading ‘Playgirl’). Ghengis Khan.

Nicola Do you think you ought to, Kevin? I mean… oh, I don’t know what I mean anymore.

Kevin Well, I’m going to have a word.

Vivien Good for you, Kevin. Now take my Clive with you, he knows how to be firm, don’t you Clive?

(She answers for him). Yes he does.

Nicola

Kevin leaves and Clive follows him after being shoo’d out by Vivien.

Eric Vivien Lizzie

Am bound to be off wi ‘em, dun’t hold wi these holes much. I be in’t telly room if tha wants me, after I’ve been outside for a fag.

What did he say?

He’s going for a smoke.

Exit Eric.

Vivien Lizzie Nicola

Filthy habit.

It keeps him happy.

I’ve never smoked after seeing that programme on television. They showed you a pair of lungs from a smoker who died. They were awful. They were black. I was only thirteen and I thought there is no way my lungs are going to look like that. Kevin doesn’t smoke either. He plays football instead. It keeps him fit. He’s very fit you know. He plays squash on Mondays, trains on Tuesdays, goes swimming on Wednesdays, trains on Thursdays, sees his mother on Fridays, we go out on Saturdays and he plays golf on Sundays. He’s very fit, my Kevin.

14

Lindsay Got staying power has he?

Nicola Oh yes, he can do it for half an hour without stopping. And he never gets out of breath.

Lindsay Really!

Vivien has realised that they are talking at cross-purposes and tries to help Nicola.

Vivien Nicola Lindsay Nicola Lindsay Nicola Vivien Nicola Lindsay Nicola Lindsay Nicola Lindsay Nicola Lindsay Nicola Lindsay Vivien Lindsay Vivien

Nicola, I don’t think for one minute that you and Nurse Walker are talking about the same subject.

Why what are you talking about, Lindsay?

You know… the ‘other’.

The ‘other what’?

The ‘other’.

I’m sorry, am I being thick. The ‘other’?

Oh, for God’s sake! Sex, Nicola, Lindsay’s referring to sex.

(Laughing). Oh no, I’m talking about press-ups, not sex…

What a shame.

Oh no, Kevin doesn’t take half an hour doing that… (Gets embarrassed).

I didn’t think so…

It’s more like an hour.

You are joking.

I am so embarrassed, is there something wrong with that. Isn’t that normal?

It depends if your nickname is ‘36 Weeks’.

Pardon.

Nothing, it doesn’t matter. Look if you want a little bit of advice, you hang on to your Kevin.

I bet she has to.

You hang on to him, men like that don’t come easily.

I think she’s already found that out.

A big cheer from the men comes from offstage.

Lizzie What on earth’s going on?

Lindsay I’ll go and find out.

Exit Lindsay.

Vivien Nicola Vivien Nicola Vivien Lizzie Vivien Nicola Vivien Nicola Vivien

An hour, that is remarkable.

I feel so silly, you see me and Kev, we well, we hadn’t, you know… done it with anyone else… so we had nothing to compare it with.

And is he… you know… (Nodding her head).

Is he? You know … (nodding her head) what.

Do I have to spell it out?

It looks that way to me.

Good at it?

I think so.

Well they say it isn’t quantity but quality, so I don’t suppose you can have everything. Do you… you know… (Nodding her head).

Do I… you know… (nodding her head) what.

Do you…? (She mouths the word). Climax.

Enter Lindsay.

Nicola Vivien

Sorry… do I what?

C… L… I… M… A… X…

Nicola just looks confused.

Lindsay Poor love… probably doesn’t know what one is.

Nicola Oh, you mean an orgasm.

Vivien Yes… do you have an orgasm?

15

Nicola Lindsay Lizzie Lindsay Vivien Lindsay Nicola Lindsay Vivien Nicola

Just one?

Ahhhhh! It’s just not fair That noise you went to see about, was it a baby?

No, a penalty; they’re all in the telly room watching football.

Charming… I hope my Clive and your Kevin are having a good long chat.

I hope Dr Mathers is in there taking notes.

Why, is he interested in football as well?

Only if Kevin is team coach.

Put Clive’s name down as well…

I’m sure he would be thrilled. What about your Eric, Lizzie? You’re never too old for regular exercise you know… but he would have to stop smoking… he’d never be able to keep it up… not like my Kevin does anyway.

Vivien It sounds to me there’s not many who could keep it up like your Kevin. (Pause). Am I allowed out of bed, Nurse?

Lindsay Yes Viv, you are. Why? Vivien I’m going to go and turn that television off, they haven’t come here to watch football, have they?

Others No they haven’t.

Lindsay Go get ‘em, girl!

Exit Vivien, pointing out to the others that Michelle has gone to sleep during all this conversation. After a few seconds, Vivien marches the men back in.

Eric Vivien Eric

It were just gerring good, and that ‘en drags us all back in ‘ere.

Don’t mumble, Eric; speak clearly.

(Repeats himself slower but just as incoherently). It were just gerring good, and that ‘en drags us all back in ‘ere.

Enter Sister.

Sister Clive Vivien Clive Vivien

Now then, come along gentlemen. Mothers need to get their rest.

Right then honey bunch, I’ll be off…

Don’t you honey bunch me… Fairhomes or else.

It will be too late, I think they’re going to induce you tomorrow. So best leave things alone.

That is exactly what I shall be saying to you darling…if you don’t get me out of here. Oh, and by the way… how long’s the NHS waiting list for inducement.

The conversation turns to Nicola and Kevin.

Kevin Nicola

I’ve had a word with the Sister and she says there’s nothing to worry about. So best you don’t… Love you, I’m going to miss you tonight…

Me too…

Exit men. Enter Dot and Brenda with drinks. They give each lady a drink.

Dot Lindsay Brenda Dot Lindsay Vivien

Dot

Right you lot, cocoa or Ovaltine?

I thought you two had clocked off.

Overtime.

Double bubble… they’re short staffed.

What’s new? Right, who’s for sleeping tablets and Valium.

Drugs, Nurse… in this day and age! I won’t be indulging in drugs. Fairhomes have a policy on natural childbirth. You know, whatever the mother wants to do is all right by them. You can stand up, sit down, have it in the Jacuzzi, anyway you want. Natural childbirth, Nurse. I mean in the ancient world they used to go into a corner, give birth and then go straight back to work.

If our ancestors could manage it, then I am sure that women of today are equally as strong.

Especially those of us who make a point of keeping themselves fit. I used to jog every single night.

That explains it then. I mean have you ever seen a happy jogger?

16

Brenda Nah, they all have a face like a cat’s arse in cramp.

Lindsay Right, Viv. I will write that in your notes. (Writing it down). ‘No drugs under any circumstances’. Is that right?

Vivien That is correct, and please stop calling me Viv. My name is Vivien.

Lizzie Are you sure, Vivien, I mean my last delivery was horrendous. I was in labour for over eighteen hours. If I couldn’t have had Pethedine, I would have gone crazy.

Nicola What’s Pethedine, and what does it do?

Lizzie Well, it’s hard to describe. You kind of know you’re in pain but you don’t give a damn. By the time the anaesthetist arrived, I was so far gone I thought he was gorgeous and I was in love with him. When I saw him the next day, I was so embarrassed. He was the spitting image of Shrek!

Vivien That’s exactly what I mean. You were out of control. That’s what drugs do.

Lizzie But the pain was so bad, I didn’t really care what they gave me as long as it stopped.

Vivien Now, now, Elizabeth; I think we are leaning very much to the mella dramatics (sic). I mean how bad can it get. Like a bad period pain that’s all.

Lindsay Which book did you read that one in, Viv? Vivien As a matter of fact, it was Eunice Graham’s ‘Guide To Drug-Free Childbirth’.

Lindsay And this Eunice Graham. How many children had she given birth to?

Vivien Well it never actually mentioned her own experiences.

Lindsay That’s because she was probably still a virgin.

Vivien I don’t think so.

Lindsay Look, Viv. I can’t speak from experience. But you can’t rely on a book. And that one you’ve got tucked under your pillow, Nicola, wants binning. Everybody is different. I have seen ladies give birth in ten minutes, no pain, just dropped out (clicking her fingers) like that. On the other hand, I’ve seen ladies in so much pain they would have thrown themselves out of the window, that is if they had the strength to open it. Still want putting down for a drug-free birth?

Vivien Absolutely.

Lindsay Now then who’s for sleeping pills?

Nicola and Lizzie look at Vivien then shake their heads and settle down for the night. Lindsay goes over and checks the sleeping Michelle, then switches off some lights. LX: Lights down to dim. Exit Dot and Brenda. Lindsay sits down and takes out a copy of ‘Playboy’. Enter Dr Mathers.

Mathers You’re a bit early on lights-out, aren’t you?

Lindsay Yes, Doctor. I was hoping you might call.

Mathers Duty I’m afraid. Mrs Withrington. Overdue. I’m giving her, her injection tonight. And then I might just give you an injection of a different nature.

Lindsay Oh, Dr Mathers. I love it when you talk dirty… but none of them have had sleeping tablets.

Mathers Oh, bugger.

Lindsay There’s always the sluice room.

Mathers Now who’s talking dirty. Come on let’s get this injection done. (He goes over to Vivien). Mrs Withrington?

Vivien Correct, next question.

Mathers Are you asleep?

Vivien Yes, Doctor; I am asleep, this is a recorded message… Don’t ask such ridiculous questions.

What do you want?

Mathers I have to give you this injection. You will just feel a little prick.

Vivien That’s what got me in here in the first place. What injection?

Mathers It’s to start your contractions.

Vivien That’s all right then. I thought you were going to tell me it was some kind of drug.

Mathers Of course it’s…

Lindsay …not a drug, Viv. You have said no drugs. I have every intention of honouring your request.

Mathers You’ve lost me.

Lindsay I usually do.

17

He gives the injection.

Mathers See you in the sluice room in ten minutes.

Lindsay Oh all right I suppose I can spare a couple of minutes.

Exit Dr Mathers. Lindsay sits down. It is quiet for a minute, then there is the most horrendous sound of snoring.

Nicola Lindsay Nicola Lindsay Lizzie

Nurse. Who is making all that noise?

(Standing up). Vivien.

Kettle calling the frying pan. Is that offer of a sleeping pill still open?

It sure is.

Make it two.

She fetches the tablets for the ladies, gives it a moment and then disappears. Michelle wakes up, gets out of bed and pads around. She stands and looks at her bump; then she sits at the nurse’s desk, takes a pen and starts to write on a piece of paper. After a while she takes the paper and screws it up and throws it to the other side of the stage. She is very distressed.

Michelle Sod you, sod you all, and sod my bloody mother.

She starts to cry, then gets back into bed. Vivien wakes up.

Vivien

Michelle Vivien Michelle Vivien Michelle Vivien Michelle Vivien Michelle Vivien Michelle Vivien Michelle Vivien Michelle Vivien Michelle

Vivien

Michelle Vivien Michelle

Nurse! Nurse! Typical, just like policemen… never there when you want one. Nicola… are you awake? (No reply). Elizabeth… can you hear me… Michelle is crying… come and talk to her will you… Elizabeth! Great… both fast asleep. I bet they’ll start snoring. (She gets out of bed and goes over to Michelle). What’s wrong, are you in pain?

No. Do you want a nurse?

No. Then what do you want?

(Sobbing). I want my baby.

Oh God… what do I do now? (Michelle is crying more. Vivien pats her back awkwardly). Why won’t your mother let you keep it?

Because she’s a rotten snob.

Oh… Yes… erm… just tell her you want to keep it.

Don’t you think I’ve tried. She says I’m too young to know what I want. But I know I want my baby.

It might be for the best you know.

Best for who, her or me?

Both of you.

No… just best for her.

What about the father? Wouldn’t he support you?

He ran off when he found out.

Didn’t you think about getting pregnant when you er… you know…

I know you won’t believe me but I can’t even remember it. We went to a party. I thought I was drinking lemonade and it turned out to be that alcoholic stuff. Next thing I know it was three in the morning and he’d gone. My mother went ballistic when I got in.

What about before that? Didn’t you use anything? I mean they are easy to get hold of. (Michelle starts to cry again). Oh God… you were a virgin, weren’t you? The rotten bastard… they ought to find him and cut his balls off. (Vivien lets her mask slip and takes Michelle in her arms and cuddles her). Don’t cry Michelle.

Why not?

Because it makes your eyes all puffy and red. Come on, I’ll try to talk to your mother and tell her how you feel.

You’ll never get the better of her in a conversation.

18

Vivien

Don’t you bank on that. I can out-verbal anyone… trust me. Now come on let’s get you settled.

I need my beauty sleep. (She waits until Michelle is asleep then gets out of bed, picks up the crumpled paper and reads it). “I know by the time you read this letter you will probably hate me so much and love your adopted parents with all your heart. But I must try and explain why I had to let you go. I love you so much even though I haven’t seen you. I know you are going to be beautiful, and I want you to know that I will think about you every day of my life. I hope when you are old enough you will find it in your heart to forgive me for being so weak and gutless not to have fought harder to keep you. But if you knew my parents you would understand why … please forgive me”. (Vivien straightens the paper out and goes over to the sleeping Michelle and strokes her hair) This can’t go on… it’s just not right… wait until that bitch gets here tomorrow, Michelle love. Your Auntie Vivien will sort her out…believe me… Eeeh… (She gets back into bed and is quiet for a moment). Oh, my God… Nurse…! NURSE…! Quickly!

Lindsay runs on, uniform askew, switching on the ward lights. LX: Lights up to normal.

Lindsay Vivien Lindsay Vivien Lindsay Vivien Lindsay Vivien Lindsay Vivien Lindsay

Where’s the bloody fire?

My baby’s coming.

Don’t talk ridiculous, you only had your injection an hour ago.

OH…! oh… oh… phew…

(Checking her). You know, you could be right.

Is it all over. That was easy. All that fuss over nothing.

Viv… your waters have broken, that’s all.

What!

It could be hours yet.

But I’m soaked.

Well you did say you wanted a water birth!

Enter Sister. A long, long moan is heard.

Sister Lindsay Sister Lindsay Sister Lindsay Sister

What on earth is that?

It’s Mrs Withrington. Her waters have broken.

Has she started contracting yet?

No. Then why the noise?

I had to take her nail varnish off and she couldn’t stand the pain.

Oh dear, oh dear. (She goes over to the Nurses station and gets a jug and tube. Calling out in singsong). Mrs Withrington.

Vivien Yes, what is it… what’s that for?

Sister Nothing much, just a little enema.

Lindsay (Interrupting). Colonic irrigation, Viv. Vivien (In a little weak voice.) Oh, good.

Sister Pull the curtains nurse, we don’t want everyone seeing Mrs Withrington having her enema.

Lindsay Colonic irrigation.

Sister Whatever.

The curtains are pulled. These are the old-fashioned metal-framed type on wheels, and the action takes place behind them.

Lindsay On your side, Viv, that’s a good girl.

Vivien There is no need to patronise me, Nurse.

The telephone rings.

Sister Carry on, Nurse.

Lindsay With pleasure Sister.

Sister comes out from behind the curtains and answers the phone.

Sister

Yes, Sister Mitchell speaking … Oh, really … I understand, yes … No, not at all; that could be quite interesting. Just send the equipment up here … Bye. 19

Lindsay (Also coming out from behind the curtains) Problems?

Sister No not really, Delivery’s full. If Mrs Withrington goes into second stage, then it looks like we will have to deliver her up here.

Lindsay Oh goody… (Vivien is moving slowly offstage). Where are you going, Viv? Vivien (In a little weak voice). The bathroom ………… oh!

Lindsay Twenty minutes, Viv. Hold that in for twenty minutes.

Vivien then dashes offstage and once off, gives an almighty cry from the wings.

Vivien

Oh my God, somebody help me….ahgg…ahgh.

Lindsay holds her hand out to Sister and they shake hands.

Lindsay Nice one, Sister.

Sister I think you had better see if Mrs Withrington needs any help, and find a domestic. I have no doubt that she will have missed the toilet completely. Oh, and by the way Nurse Walker, a package arrived for you today. I put it in the top drawer. Withringtons supplies…what are you up to, Nurse?

Lindsay Me, Sister? Absolutely nothing. (Sister sighs and holds her back). Something wrong?

Sister It’s my back, playing up a bit… I’ll have physio look at it.

Exit Sister, Lindsay goes over to the desk and takes out the effigy. We see that the pin is stuck in the back. She looks closely at it and then takes the pin out.

Lindsay Bloody hell… (She smiles and sticks the pin in a leg). A broken leg would be nice.

Vivien (From offstage, weakly). Help… somebody help!

Lindsay Oh God, I’d forgotten her… coming, Viv. The others have now woken up and are watching events.

Nicola

(Reading her book). Do you know something, Lizzie? It says here that they don’t do enemas

now, so I wonder why they gave Vivien one.

Who knows, but it couldn’t have happened to a nicer person… she’s a snotty cow.

Oh I don’t know, I think under that camouflage she’s probably a decent person.

Says who?

Well, her husband must like her.

Why? Well if he doesn’t like her, why does he stay?

It would cost him a fortune! Could you see Viv leaving the marital home with just the clothes she stood up in… no… she would take him for every penny, and she’d be the sort to dial Australia and leave the phone off the hook.

Nicola I read once where a woman who’d caught her husband cheating, came back and stitched prawns into the bottom of all the curtains in the house. Can you imagine the smell after a week?

Lizzie I saw that programme… do you remember that bloke who was so house proud? They had white carpets everywhere… his wife covered them with horse manure…

Nicola No, it was mustard and cress seed. Then she watered the carpet and turned the central heating up full.

Michelle It beats me why so many people bother to get married these days.

Lizzie Why what do you mean?

Michelle Well, two out of three end up divorced, and the others spend the rest of their lives hating each other.

Lizzie Oh come on love, I think that’s a bit harsh. There are a lot of people still like me and Eric.

Michelle What’s made it work for you then?

Michelle Lizzie Michelle Nicola Michelle Nicola Michelle

Lindsay, Dot and Brenda bring Vivien back onstage, and help her into bed.

Lizzie Nicola

I think you have to be friends as well as lovers, because let’s face it, when the passion has gone it has to be replaced with something, or that’s when they start looking elsewhere.

Can I ask you a personal question, Lizzie?

20

Lizzie Nicola Lizzie

As long as it has nothing to do with press-ups.

What would you do if you found out Eric was having an affair?

I really don’t know. My first instinct would be to castrate him, but I suppose I would have to ask myself why he was having an affair.

Nicola So you and Eric still have an active sex life even after all these years.

Michelle Nicola?

Nicola What? (Michelle nods towards Lizzie’s tummy). Oh… This pregnancy is puddling my brain.

Brenda Do you and Derek still have an active sex life, Dot? Dot No, all we seem to do these days is lay in bed and fart at each other.

Brenda I was thinking about trying that hormone replacement.

Dot Why? Does it stop you farting?

Brenda It’s supposed to increase your sex drive.

Dot I’d rather have a Chinese.

Brenda Me an all.

Dot It took Derek twenty years to find out that periods don’t last three weeks.

Viv is starting to come round.

Vivien Michelle Dot Lizzie Vivien Lindsay Vivien Lindsay Sister

Michelle Sister Lindsay Sister Lindsay Sister Lindsay Sister

Haven’t you two anything better to do that stand there and belittle the female race. Emily Pancake and those suferingetts would turn in their urns if they could hear you.

Viv, you are so full of shit.

Not anymore she isn’t, it’s all on my bathroom floor.

How are the pains, love?

I’m coping thank you, it’s not as bad as I imagined.

Viv, the contractions haven’t started yet. Still don’t want drugs?

I meant what I said… (coming round a bit). I can’t say much for colonic irrigation though, it’s a little bit too basic for my liking.

If you saw the results of not having one you’d soon change your mind. Right, let’s have a look at you. (She pulls the curtains round the bed).

(Entering). There’s not been a lot of sleeping done on this ward tonight. Breakfast is on its way.

Michelle love, don’t forget that social worker is coming in today to talk to you about the adoption. Just remember, tell her what you want, not what your mother wants.

I don’t get a say in the matter. My mother says jump, and everyone asks how high.

Ah, well; that was before she met me. They don’t call me Ghengis Khan for nothing, do they Nurse Walker?

I don’t know what you mean, Sister… Oh, by the way, how’s your leg.

Fine… how’s yours?

Fine. How’s your back?

Better than yours.

Why what’s wrong with my back?

Well, you spend so much time on it, I thought you had a problem.

They are interrupted by a cry from Vivien.

Vivien Sister Lindsay Vivien Lindsay Vivien

Oh my god… ah, ah, ah, (etc).

First stage, Nurse.

Mild contractions, Sister.

Mild contractions, you are joking… tell me you are joking.

Viv… We never joke at a time like this…

Vivien… the name is… Vivieahhhhhhhhh. If I was in Fairhomes, I would be in a Jacuzzi now.

Exit Sister.

Lindsay Would you like to spend a little time in the pool, Viv. Vivien Could I… that would be super.

21

Lindsay I think I could arrange that… I have a slight influence over Dr Mathers, although you won’t be able to give birth in the pool.

Vivien Why not…

Lindsay Because I think those from rehab, would object to swimming with your afterbirth.

Nicola It says in this book that a woman in Florida fried her afterbirth and ate it with onions.

Dot Don’t believe everything you read. It says… (nodding at Lindsay) St Michael in her knickers.

Come on, love; I’ll take you down to the pool.

Exit Dot and Vivien. Lindsay goes over to the desk and opens the package.

Nicola What’s in the package, Lindsay?

Lindsay Can you keep a secret. Vivien thinks her old man makes medical supplies, when in actual fact he is the main manufacturer of these.

She holds up a vibrator, a green variety with specks of gold in it.

Lizzie Lindsay Lizzie Lindsay

What on earth is that? Is it one of those lava lamps?

That my dear Lizzie, is a vibrator.

Really. What exactly do you do with them? I’ve never seen one of those before.

No, and I bet Viv hasn’t either. (She gets another two out of the box and gives one to Nicola and one to Lizzie). Come on girls… to the swimming pool.

Nicola What for?

Lindsay Well, Viv wanted a Jacuzzi, and a Jacuzzi she is going to have.

They all turn on the vibrators and hold them aloft. There is a loud buzzing noise.

All Sister

Lizzie Sister Lizzie Sister Lizzie Sister Lizzie Sister

Lizzie Sister Lizzie Sister

May the force be with you. (Exeunt).

(Entering) Right then, ladies… Nurse Walker… (Shouting) Nurse… (She goes over to the desk and opens the drawers. Finding the effigy, she holds it up). So that’s why you were asking after my leg.

Games, eh? (She takes the pin out of the leg and then has second thoughts and sticks it back in). We all like a good joke, Nurse. (Lizzie enters and gets into bed). Is there anything wrong Mrs Meadows? You look a little worried.

I haven’t felt the baby move for a while.

Right, I think we’ll have the doctor down to have a look at you.

Sister, I know I am a little old to be having this baby, but I am concerned.

We will do everything we can, you know that don’t you?

Yes, Nurse Walker did explain it all to me. She’s a strange one.

Nothing that a good slap wouldn’t have cured when she was a child.

You like her really, don’t you?

She’s a damned good nurse, and she would make an excellent midwife if she spent as much time looking at women’s bits as she did men’s. (Lizzie looks at her). Oh, alright, yes I like her.

But she could do with some stronger elastic in her knickers.

Oh, Sister. You’re not as starchy as you make out are you?

I have my moments.

Do you have a family?

I can’t have children. That’s why I like this job so much.

Michelle comes in looking pensive, Nicola and Lindsay are giggling. Vivien is fuming. They all get back into bed.

Lindsay has a look at Vivien under the sheets.

Lindsay Nicola Michelle Lindsay

Well Viv, brace yourself… it’s all systems go.

Nurse, my waters have broken.

I’m a little bit on the wet side myself.

Great… Sister Mitchell, you’d better roll up your sleeves and bring on the gas and air. The cabaret’s just about to start.

Fast fade to black.

END OF ACT 1 22

ACT 2 Lights up on the stage apron. Clive is smoking a big cigar and Eric is chain smoking, Kevin is trying to waft away the smoke. There are chairs and a floor-standing ashtray.

Clive Kevin Clive Kevin Eric Clive Eric

Clive Eric Clive Kevin Eric Clive Eric

Kevin Eric Clive Eric Clive Eric

Clive

Sorry old chap, is this bothering you?

Well, seeing as you mentioned it…

Bad habit… keep trying to stop. Vivien won’t let me smoke in the house. I have to go into the garden. She makes a hell of a fuss.

I really can’t fault her… it’s a filthy habit.

I’ve alas smoked and it ant armed mine. Fit as butchers dogs all on em, well apart from our Jason he’s just a bleeding poofter. The more I see of our Jason, the more I like our dog.

Homosexual tendencies has he?

Tha what? Naw, I dunt mean he’s a chuffing shirt-lifter, he’s alas poncing in front a mirror, squirting is bloody hair wi allsorts. He wears them bloody women’s shirts pale pink, and them bloody things he wears on his backside. Flaming boxer shorts wi cartoons all ovver em.

Fashion, Eric; you have to go with the flow, old son, or you get left behind.

What’s tha wearing on thi arse then?

Calvin Klein jockeys actually. What about you, Kevin.

I prefer boxers myself, keeps your tackle cooler.

Dunt hold you in place if yer asks me. They flops around like swinging conkers.

Healthier, and they say it helps with the sperm count. If your tackle is squashed it affects the little blighters… can’t swim as well, so I’m told.

Well I’ll tell tha somat now, my sperm has found its target, six times and if you ask me it’s not how well it swims, it’s what yer frigging fire it with. It won’t go far wi a piddlin pea shooter but if tha’s blasting away with a cannon… we’ll say no more.

I suppose Eric has a point, after all we are new at this game and Eric is an old hand, six kids eh.

This one’ll mek six, and I can’t count the ones she’s fostered.

Glutton for punishment if you ask me. I mean in this economic climate we should all limit ourselves to one… like they do in China.

Aye and them that has more, what yer gonna do wi em. Cut their balls off.

Nothing so drastic, Eric, I just meant…

Ah knows what yer meant… look, when we started wi our lot, it were a different kettle of fish.

There were no global warming or pollution. The only pollution there were in them days, were if you followed someone in the khazi when they’d just ad a turn-out. I come from a big family misen. First up, best dressed. Them what were eldest like, they got a fish from chippy, and so it went down to youngest, they got scraps if they were lucky. When someone left home, yer moved up a notch… yer were considered privileged when tha got to ave a bloody fishcake.

When me and our lass got wed, tha didn’t talk about contraception, tha just got on wi it. When the flaming pill got fancy, our lass ad varicose veins… and them bloody johnnies, well yer knows what they say: “Who wants to paddle wi their wellies on?”. Besides, our lass likes kids.

I just hope when they sew her up this time they put a couple of extra stitches in or else it’ll be like throwing a sausage up Westgate (or local High Street).

I think he’s been watching ‘Designer Vaginas’.

Enter Sister.

Sister

Clive Sister

Mr Meadows, Dr Mathers would like a word. Mr Withrington, your wife has gone into second stage labour. Unfortunately, all the beds on the delivery suite are full, so your baby will be born on our ward. You may go and sit with her if you wish.

Do I have to?

No, but your wife has expressed her desire to have you present.

23

Clive Sister

Clive Sister Clive Sister Eric Clive

Expressed her desire. Were those her actual words?

Not quite, she said and I quote: “Tell that arsehole to get down here now, or what happened to John Wayne Bobbitt will happen to him”, only she said, and I quote again: “She would feed your dick to the dog, so there would be no way you’d ever get it stitched back on”, unquote.

Withrington? Vivien Withrington?

Yes, pink marabou nightie, birthmark on right thigh. Mouth like the Flamborough foghorn.

Is she on something? I didn’t think she’d ever heard of JW Bobbitt. And that language, I think you have her mistaken.

I don’t think so. Sharon Osbourne (or current ‘mouthy’celebrity) is past childbearing age Good luck.

I think I might be in need of it.

Exit Clive and Sister.

Eric

Well, I suppose I’d better see what the Doc wants.

Exit Eric. Kevin sits on his own, drums his fingers, gets up and walks round.

Kevin

Oh sod this, I’m off for a pint.

Exit Kevin. Enter Dot and Brenda to remove chairs and ashtray.

Dot Brenda Dot

Friggin’ hell, do we have to bloody do everything round here.

And we don’t get chuffing paid for it.

I’ll have to having a word with the union. Shifting chairs is not in my job description. And neither is moving filthy ashtrays… dirty buggers.

Black out. Lights up on the ward. Clive peeks his head round the curtains. He sees Vivian is asleep under the bedding so he creeps in and sits on the next bed. He flicks through TV channels on the remote control and gets a variety of programmes. MUSIC: ‘CORONATION STREET’ THEN ‘EASTENDERS’ THEN ‘THE SIMPSONS’. Looking to make sure Vivien is still asleep, and without touching the remote control, the MUSIC CHANGES to the SHARK SCENE FROM ‘JAWS’ as Vivien emerges from the bedding. Clive looks at the remote, then at the television, and very slowly turns his head to look at Vivien who is now sat up straight and is glaring straight at him. He turns off the television, jumps off the bed, and goes straight to her.

Clive Vivien Clive Vivien

Hello darling, how goes it?

Don’t you dare talk to me. If you ever come near me again with that… that… thing, I swear I’ll…

(Sitting down and crossing his legs). Yeah, I heard. You’ll soon forget the pain, my love. It’s just like a bad period pain… so your book says.

When I get out of here, I am going to take that book and shove it right up Eunice Grahams … ar …aghagh … aghagh. (She has hold of Clive’s hand and is squeezing very hard. He ends up on his knees).

Another contraction comes over Vivien. Enter Lindsay, she is now very serious. She takes Clive’s hand from Vivien and he sighs with relief.

Lindsay How are you, Vivien… (she puts her hand on her bump just as another contraction comes)… pretty near now. Keep it up. Buzz if you need me.

Vivien is in contractions. Clive is looking at his watch. The contraction subsides.

Vivien Clive Vivien

Have you got a problem, Clive? You keep looking at your watch, are you timing my contractions?

No not really, I just wondered if you would hurry up, I’m pretty pissed off with it all.

(She stares at him and struggles to sit up. She speaks quietly). ‘Pissed off’, you did say ‘pissed off’.

(Louder). You bastard… (Louder). You fucking bastard; fuck off, fuck off… (Now, hysterical, she takes off her wedding ring and throws it at him whilst still swearing, he comes to her and clamps his hand over her mouth, but she is still telling him to ‘fuck off’. She clamps her teeth firmly onto Clive’s hand).

24

Sister

(Entering). What on earth is the matter, Mrs Withrington? Are you all right? (She removes Clive’s hand).

Vivien

All right? All right? Ask him if I’m all right, and then fetch me a sharp knife. The sharpest you can find. No, on second thoughts make it a blunt one…

Calm down, Vivien.

Sister

Another contraction comes over her, and she is really struggling.

Vivien

Sister Vivien Sister

Calm down, calm down? Who are you to tell me to calm down. Have you done this? … No… I bet you haven’t… so who are you to tell me to calm down. Do you know what kind of pain I’m having… no, you don’t, so shut your mouth before I ram your silly little eggcup in it!

I will ignore the insults this time; now please try to keep yourself under control.

Control… this is control… that miserable bastard tells me he’s pissed off, and you want social niceties when I am trying, arggghhh… to shit a fucking melon… arghhhhhhhh…

Look, I know you said no drugs, but the gas and air is there should you want it.

Exit Sister. Another contraction comes over Vivien.

Vivien Clive

Clive, gas and air… now! (Clive picks up the oxygen mask just as Vivien shouts). Get someone, I want to push… now.

Oh my God…

He clamps the mask firmly over his own face. Vivien looks at him in disbelief. She grabs his tie and pulls him down to try and reach the mask, but he pulls back; she pulls him down again, repeat as necessary, he finds some scissors and cuts his tie and escapes.

Give me that, here… now… You selfish twaaaahhh. (Clive shakes his head and breaths deeply, still shaking his head. She tries to get out of bed). Give me it you, bastard… (She makes a grab for the mask and he moves out of the way). I’ll never forgive you for this, Clive Withrington… never… never… never. Oh my God! … Nurse…

Lindsay (Entering, she removes the mask from Clive and clamps it over Vivien’s mouth, then takes a look) Yes, I can see the head; stop pushing. Vivien, please stop pushing.

Vivien

Vivien is deep breathing the gas and air too deeply. Lindsay tries to take the mask away from Vivien, but she pushes Lindsay away and turns her head away so Lindsay can’t reach the mask. Lindsay runs round to the other side of the bed, makes a grab for it, and succeeds. Vivien is now quite woozy.

Vivien

Oh hello, Nursy… I love you, Nursy… I don’t love him… I love you… … Clivey, come and see our baby’s head… look… (She lifts up the bedding). Oh, I can see my fluffy… come and look, Clivey.

Clive moves over to look and Lindsay tries to show him.

Lindsay Look it’s there, see… (Clive looks and promptly faints). Bloody wonderful.

Vivien leans over the side of the bed and looks at Clive’s prostrate form. She takes out Lindsay’s scissors from her pocket. This sobers her up.

Vivien

My mother told me he had no balls… she doesn’t know how close to being right she was.

(Lindsay removes the scissors. Vivien picks up a glass of water and tips it over him). Pay attention!

Clive struggles up onto his feet just as another contraction comes.

Lindsay Dot Lindsay Dot Lindsay Dot

This is it, this is the biggy, when I say push, go for it.

(Entering). Lindsay, Sister Mitchell wants you now.

Now? This minute?

She said it was an emergency, it’s Mrs Meadows… Side ward; you’ve got to come now.

Can’t you see I’m busy Look it’s not in my friggin job description to be a friggin messenger, so please your friggin self.

Lindsay starts to follow the domestic and then looks at Viv. She is torn and has to make a decision.

Sister (Offstage). Nurse Walker… now; this minute!

Lindsay Right Viv, stop pushing… OK? (She runs offstage).

25

Vivien Dot

Stop pushing… stop pushing… I can’t stop pushing, you stupid cow.

(Getting out a new pair of marigolds). Then push away darling… I’m ready for you. Ooh! I’ve always friggin wanted to do this.

Clive promptly faints again. Blackout. SFX: A new born baby crying is heard. Lights up on stage apron.

Kevin Sister Kevin Sister Kevin Sister Kevin Sister Kevin Sister Kevin Sister Kevin Sister Kevin

Everything all right?

Fine, do you want to be there.

Nicola wants me to be there. I’d rather be in the pub.

Wouldn’t we all?

Can’t you tell her I’ve been called away?

I could, if I wanted to, but I don’t want to.

Look Sister, can you keep a secret?

I’ll do my best.

It’s just that, I don’t know if I’m up to it. You know, all that blood and other stuff.

So we’re a bit squeamish are we?

No, certainly not; just… well… just… Not up to certain bodily functions… like…

Like giving birth.

Yes… no… yes… don’t tell Nicola. She thinks I’m tough.

Just be there and hold her hand, shut your eyes if you have to.

Yes… damned good idea. I will, I’ll shut my eyes. Right, come on then, let’s get this over with. (Lights down on apron. Lights up full on ward). Hello love, how is it?

Nicola is pacing from left to right and Kevin is following her with his camera, she pushes him out of her way every time she turns. Nicolas’s dialogue changes dramatically from calm and collected to hysterical.

Nicola

Not too bad, according to my book I’m in first stage labour, the contractions are ten minutes apart and I’m about ten centimetres dilated. I could be in labour for a long time. (A contraction starts; she moves over to the bed and puts her hands on it and pushes up and down during the dialogue.

She pants and groans in between every word). It… says… in… my… book… that… first…

Kevin

pregnancies… are… always… a… long… time.

Well in that case I think I’ll push off for a while. Let you get some rest.

The contraction has finished and she stands up straight and declares firmly.

Nicola Kevin Nicola Kevin Nicola Kevin Nicola Kevin Nicola Kevin Nicola Kevin Nicola Kevin Nicola Kevin

Just where do you think you are going to push off to?

I just thought I’d have a swift half in that pub over the road. I won’t be far away… honest.

I know you won’t, because you’re staying right here.

Oh, right. (He sits down, tapping his fingers on his knee). I’ll just go and see about a cup of coffee.

Kevin… sit down!

Nicola… about staying here for the actual… you know… when it actually comes out. I know we said we wanted to do it together… but I don’t know… well what I’m trying to say is…

You want to chicken out.

In a word… yes.

If you leave me now Kevin, to give birth to our little girl all by myself, I don’t know if I could ever bring myself to forgive you.

I’ll take that as a ‘no’ then.

Right.

Have you ever thought that our baby might be a boy?

No… we both said we wanted a girl.

No… not exactly… you said we both wanted a girl.

What are you trying to say, Kevin? You’ve changed your mind and now you want a boy?

To be quite honest, I’m not really bothered.

A contraction is just starting again and Nicola is getting agitated.

26

Nicola

Kevin, oh Kevin… it hurts. Please rub my back, rub my back please, ohhhhhhh! (By the time he gets round and starts rubbing her back the contraction has stopped. She jumps upright and snaps at him). Get your hands off me now, don’t you dare touch me, do you hear me, Kevin? (The contraction starts again). Oh, Kevin… it really hurts. I want my mum, GET ME MY MUM. (She is screaming and crying in pain as Kevin dials Mum on a mobile. He passes her the phone as the contraction stops. She reverts to calm and collected). Oh, hiya Mum… Guess what, I’m in labour… … … yes, I know… … … yes, he’s hear; oh, just a minute. (She starts retching). I’m going to be sick… (She throws the phone on the bed). Kevin, I’m going to be sick. (He passes her a sick bowl, she throws up into it and then passes it straight back to him. He looks at it and is immediately sick as well. Nicola picks the phone back up and speaks). Mum, you’ll never believe

this… Kevin has just been sick! Kevin, I’m in labour not you… … … yes, love you mum; bye… (She passes the phone back to Kevin and then stares stage front with a frozen expression).

Kevin, I want to poo… Kevin, I need to poo now… Kevin, do something, I need to poo… oh, don’t let me poo, please don’t let me poo! (Kevin runs round in panic and comes back with a birthing ball. He promptly pushes Nicola firmly down onto it, holding her hand to keep her balanced.

The feeling subsides). I haven’t pooed have I? please tell me I haven’t pooed.

Kevin tentatively looks down the back of the ball and then sticks the camera down her pyjamas and looks down the lens.

Kevin No love, panic over. (Nicola has now started to rock backwards and forwards on the ball and is quite enjoying the experience. She starts to bounce rather hard, oohing and aahing as she goes, with a very smug look on her face. She then comes back to reality with a jolt when she feels the need to push).

What’s the matter Nicola?

Nicola

(Picking up her book and frantically turning the pages). This isn’t right, the book says you have to

be dilated to…

Kevin takes the book from her and dumps it in the bin. He starts filming.

Kevin Nicola Kevin Nicola Kevin

I should have done that months ago, now let’s get Nurse Walker and get on with it.

I want to push.

No, you don’t… pant… like we did in classes.

I’m going to push.

(Panting for her). Don’t push, Nicola; pant. Come on pant, heh heh heh heh heh heh… Nurse… heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh… Nurse, quickly… (He is now panting like a dog and starting to hyperventilate).

Lindsay (Entering). What’s going on here? That was quick. Whatever happened to the second stage?

Here Kevin, I think you might need this She passes him a brown paper bag.

Kevin What’s that… a sick bag? I don’t need that.

Lindsay Breathe into it. You’re hyperventilating.

Kevin Right, Nurse. Let’s get on with it. What do you want me to do. (He starts to get into a flap). Gas and air. Hot water… forceps… Just tell me, Nurse…

He runs around like a lunatic, getting in the way and handing over everything he can lay his hands on.

Lindsay Kevin Lindsay Kevin Lindsay

There is something you can do, Kevin.

Right just tell me… and it’s done.

Sit down and shut up.

Right… oh… I’m going to be a Daddy.

Are you ready Nicola? When I say, push.

Kevin is still in the way and is beginning to panic, but manages to cam-cord everything at the same time. For his next three lines he lift s the bedding up, sticks his head under and films, puts the bedding down, and speaks another line.

Kevin Lindsay Kevin Lindsay

You have done this before, haven’t you?

Yes. You do know what you’re doing, don’t you?

Yes. 27

Kevin Lindsay Kevin Lindsay

You do know what to do, in an emergency, don’t you?

Yes … Kevin?

Yes Take the lens cap off. (She removes the lens cap).

He now puts his head with the camcorder under the bedding, as close as possible to Nicola. So close, that Lindsay can’t get anywhere near.

Kevin I think I’m going to be sick.

Nicola Kevin… go to the pub …

Lindsay Yes Kevin… go to the pub, please.

He emerges from the bedding.

Kevin Nicola Kevin Nicola

I’m not going to the pub at a time like this. Right… (He rolls his sleeves up) … I’m ready.

Kevin…

Yes… Piss off.

Blackout.

MUSIC: ‘YOU’RE HAVING MY BABY’ (PAUL ANKA) Lights up on stage apron. Clive enters, sits down and stares into space. Kevin enters, sits down and stares into space. Both are carrying baby balloons, Kevin has pink, Clive has blue. They speak in monotones.

Clive Kevin Clive Kevin Clive Kevin Clive Kevin Clive Kevin Clive Kevin Sister Clive Sister Kevin Clive Sister Clive Sister Clive Sister Kevin

Sister

Did you see it then?

Yeah… did you?

Yeah.

What d’ya think?

Brilliant, wouldn’t have missed it for the world… you?

Yeah… piece of cake, don’t know what they get so worked up about…

No, me neither. What did you get?

A baby.

Yeah, me as well… what sort?

Oh… a girl… what about you?

A boy… big willy, very big willy… this big. (Makes at least six inches).

Yeah.

(Entering). Now then gentlemen, feeling a little bit better.

(Perking up). Fine, Sister. Never felt better.

Well, you were out of it for a while you know. Don’t worry… a lot of men faint, nothing to be ashamed of.

(Starting to laugh). He fainted? You wuss!

It was hot in there… and don’t call me a wuss.

(Faintly amused). And what about you, Mr Ward? Still a bit queasy… not going to be sick again, are you?

(Starting to laugh). He was sick? How immature… Anyway, Sister; how is my son and heir.

Your son and heir? You really were out for the count, weren’t you. Your daughter is exercising her lungs in a very similar fashion to her mother.

Daughter… but I definitely saw his willy, it was… well… you know.

That willy that you insist you saw, was actually the umbilical cord. You have a daughter, Mr Withrington.

That long, eh; very funny… I like that. You can’t mistake a willy for a cord… What an idiot.

You see the cord comes from the tummy, and a willy is… well, you know where a willy is. If you want to look at my little girl… I’ll show you the difference.

You might have a problem there, Mr Ward. When you saw your baby we’d already cut the cord. That was definitely a willy… you have a son.

28

Clive Kevin Sister Kevin Clive Kevin Sister Kevin

Idiot, eh! Join the club. (They look at their balloons, and then at each other, and then they swap balloons. Kevin grimaces). What’s wrong, old chap?

Has anyone told Nicola it wasn’t a girl?

She was there… remember?

Oh, gawd… she’ll go spare.

She won’t be bothered… you’ll see.

You don’t know Nicola. Where’s Eric? Thought he’d be here by now.

The last I saw of him, he was heading for the pub.

Good old Eric.

The atmosphere changes to be very serious.

Sister Clive Sister Kevin Sister Kevin Sister Clive Sister Clive

Mrs Meadows lost her baby… I’m afraid there was nothing we could do. The poor little mite was stillborn. Her husband was quite inconsolable.

Oh… bloody hell… the poor sod… how’s Lizzie?

Physically fine… mentally, I’m not so sure… lovely woman… it’s a shame…

Come on, Clive.

Where are you going?

My dear Sister. We are going to the pub, to help Eric get well and truly rat-arsed… any objections.

No… just one condition.

And what might that be?

You wait for me.

It would be a pleasure… after you.

Blackout. Exeunt. Lights up on Ward. Vivien is combing her hair, Nicola is sulking with her back to her. Enter Lindsay.

Vivien Lindsay… pssst! Come here.

Lindsay Yes, Vivien; anything wrong?

Vivien Not with me… I just wondered how Lizzie is. I feel awful going on like I did about her being too old to have a baby. I wish I could bite my tongue off.

Lindsay Yes, I think you would be quite capable of doing that. I was getting quite worried about your husband’s peripherals. I think Lizzie will be fine, given a day or two.

Vivien What on earth is wrong with Nicola? I haven’t seen her pick her baby up once.

Lindsay Nicola is sulking, because she can’t call a boy ‘Haley’. She’s a planner, she likes to be in control but this is one department that you don’t have much control over. Not yet anyway… it won’t be long until you will be able to decide the sex of your baby, and what colour hair and eyes they will have. It’s quite frightening.

Vivien I know you probably think that I’m a selfish, inconsiderate, loudmouthed snob.

Lindsay (Sarcastically). What on earth gave you that idea?

Vivien But I am concerned about Michelle, it’s tragic. She shouldn’t be forced to give her baby up for adoption.

Lindsay I’m afraid to say that decision is well and truly out of our hands… and Michelle’s for that matter. She’s only sixteen so her mother will have the final say about the baby. Have you seen him? … He’s gorgeous!

Vivien Yes, I looked in at him when I was feeding Eunice.

Lindsay Eunice, you’re going to call that beautiful little baby, Eunice?

Vivien Yes. Anything wrong with that? Her book was so uplifting.

Lindsay (Trying not to laugh). So is a Wonderbra, but I wouldn’t call a baby that either.

Vivien looks at Lindsay’s horrified face, then bursts out laughing.

Vivien Lindsay Vivien Lindsay

Joke, Nurse!

Vivien, where did you find that sense of humour?

In the sluice room, along with most of my insides.

Welcome to Planet Earth.

29

Vivien Lindsay Vivien Lindsay Vivien Lindsay Vivien Lindsay

My pride went out the window, when my legs went up in those stirrups, and the domestic’s marigolds disappeared up my fluff.

Aren’t you glad we gave you that enema?

Do you mean that colonic irrigation?

Yes well…

OK, I accept that I acted like a complete arsehole, and I think I would have done the same thing under the circumstances, only I think I would have locked all the toilet doors.

Wicked…

I know Eunice Graham is a stupid bitch, but I did read an interesting paragraph on rejection, and I think that could be happening to Nicola.

No, Nicola is just being selfish.

Nicola is heard crying.

Vivien Nicola Vivien

Nicola Vivien

Nicola Vivien Nicola Vivien

Nicola Vivien Lindsay Vivien Lindsay Vivien Lindsay Vivien Lindsay Vivien

I don’t believe this. Elizabeth is the only person who has any reason to cry.

(Sitting up indignantly). It says in my book that it’s quite normal to suffer baby blues.

You’re not suffering from baby blues. You’re just feeling sorry for yourself because for once in your life you haven’t got what you wanted. What’s wrong? Doesn’t the baby match your curtains.

That’s rich coming from you. You always get what you want… well apart from going to Fairhomes.

Yes exactly, if I’d have gone there. I would still have the same gorgeous daughter but Clive would have been five thousand pounds worse off, and that money can be spent on something else. You have a beautiful little baby. He’s healthy, perfect and alive, and you’re whinging because you wanted a little girl. I think you ought to take a little trip down onto the special care unit and ask those parents how they feel. Go and ask them if they were disappointed about what sex it was. And whilst you’re at it, ask Elizabeth how she’s feeling. I bet she would swap places just like that. (She snaps her fingers).

You don’t understand.

Yes, you’re right there. I don’t understand.

Ever since I was a little girl I dreamt of getting married and then having a little girl and calling her Haley. Blond hair and blue eyes, and the cutest pigtails.

Dreams, Nicola. This is real life. When I was a little girl, I wanted to be an air stewardess. But I grew up and now I realise that they’re not the glamorous people I once thought they were. They serve food and sell drinks. Our barmaid at the golf club does that. You are so proud of your Kevin, just think how you will feel when that little boy of yours plays rugby for his school, or captains the cricket team. Just think how proud Kevin is going to be, to have a son and to be able to pass on all of his talents to him. Just remind me to keep him away from my daughter.

Think about it, Nicola; and thank God you have a perfectly healthy child. (Nicola gets out of bed).

Where are you going?

A million miles away from you.

Suit yourself. (Nicola exits). You know I enjoyed that… maybe I should tackle Michelle’s mother the same way. Perhaps then she might stand a chance of keeping her baby.

I think even you’ve met your match there. You wouldn’t stand a chance with her, she’s worse than Sister Mitchell.

Surely there is something we can do.

With help and support, she would make a really good mother.

Where is she anyway?

Waiting for the old crow to take her home.

You know I am sure I recognise her from somewhere. Could you very discreetly go and ask Michelle what her mother’s name was before she got married.

I think I could manage that… don’t go away.

What with these stitches and piles, you must be joking. (Lindsay goes out. Vivien takes out a mirror and starts to comb her hair again.) Not bad, considering.

30

Lindsay comes back with Michelle.

Lindsay Michelle Vivien Lindsay

Gordon. The old witch’s maiden name was Gordon. Sorry love, didn’t mean to say that.

Why not, it’s true.

Well, well. It’s true what they say: “He who laughs last, gets the silver lining”.

Right.

Enter Dot, who speaks to Michelle.

Dot

Eh up, cocker; yer mother’s here. She’s in the waiting room. I left her polishing her ego.

Vivien nips out of bed and goes to take a look.

That’s your mother in the waiting room? Gucci shoes and handbag, Hermes scarf, Dior suit, Clairol ‘Rich Chestnut’ rinse, a gallon of Estee Lauder perfume, wearing her face inside out?

Well, well. That’s a turn up for the book.

Michelle You know her then?

Vivien Used to. Nurse, turn off the air-conditioning, because the manure is just about to hit the fan!

Vivien

(She exits, singing ‘Luck Be A Lady Tonight’).

Michelle Lindsay Michelle Lindsay Michelle Lindsay Michelle Lindsay Michelle

Does she mean shit?

Oh yes, with a capital ‘S’.

What is she up to?

I have no idea.

(Pause). You know your hormones.

Extremely well.

Can a shift in hormones change your personality.

Are we talking about you, or Vivien.

What happened to that snotty cow that came in here. I almost liked her then. Pity Nicola didn’t listen to her.

Lindsay Give her time, I think childbirth does that to people, they start to get their priorities right. You can no longer put yourself as number one. You have someone else to think about.

Michelle I’d just like to have that chance. I want to keep him.

Lindsay I know you do.

Fade to black. Lights up on stage apron. Mrs Greenwood is pacing about as Vivien enters.

Vivien Mrs G Vivien Mrs G

Vivien Mrs G Vivien Mrs G Vivien Mrs G Vivien Mrs G

Vivien

Well, hello; you must be Mrs Greenwood. I’ve heard so much about you.

All good I hope… and you are?

Withrington… Vivien Withrington… I own the health studios in the high street.

Oh, the old hairdressers. I don’t recognise the town much. I moved away quite a few years ago.

To Pickering (or Local Town)… it’s near York (or Local Town). Four bed detached with en-suite, and private gardens, overlooking the river.

What made you come to this hospital?

My parents still live in the area… I don’t see…

I was booked in at Fairhomes. I mean these places aren’t meant for people like us are they.

Absolutely not, but I had to be discreet, I don’t want the world and his wife knowing our business.

I couldn’t agree more. Your daughter doesn’t appreciate the trauma you are going through…

I mean the scandal, it would destroy you and your husband.

Exactly… you don’t know how comforting it is to find someone who understands. Michelle has been so thoughtless. She hasn’t realised how hard this has been on me.

Thoughtless, yes; and so inconsiderate. I sometimes wonder if children do these kinds of things on purpose. Just to upset us.

May I ask the point of this conversation. If any of this scandal should filter back to Pickering, I would be very cross and if you don’t mind me saying, my daughter is really none of your business.

No, you’re quite right she isn’t. But over the last few days I’ve grown quite fond of her, and as far as I’m concerned it isn’t a scandal, it’s just bloody bad luck…

31

Mrs G Vivien

Mrs G Vivien Mrs G

Vivien Mrs G Vivien

How dare you… you…

Oh, I dare; believe me I dare. You see, I look at it this way. You’re allowed at least one mistake, and Michelle has made hers. But she shouldn’t be made to pay for it for the rest of her life. And that is what you are trying to make her do… you see I have a lot of friends, in a lot of important places…

I don’t give a damn who you know, and no matter what you say, I won’t change my mind.

Try me!

Look, you jumped up trollop; I don’t care who you know or who your friends are. That health studio in the High Street used to be a cheap little hairdressers, and I suppose that’s what you used to be. Married money did you dear?

It’s better than what you used to be I… I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Don’t mess with me, sister… I know why you left town and it was nothing to do with a four bed detached with en-suite. You were the star turn at the ‘Blue Garter’. What was it now…

‘Gyrating Gina And Her Perky Python’. You don’t remember me do you? We took some lovely pictures of you.

She gets some photos out of her pocket, but doesn’t let Mrs G see them.

Mrs G Vivien

Mrs G Vivien Mrs G Vivien

Mrs G Vivien

Give me those… I was only sixteen for God’s sake… I don’t know how you found out… but if you breathe a word of this… wait a minute… Vivien? You can’t be… Vivien Gray?

Yes I can be… my, my! We have come up in the world haven’t we… Gina. And then when they said you were making a living as a stripper, we all had to come and see for ourselves.

Gina.

Don’t call me Gina. How much do you want?

Money? Don’t be so vulgar. I could buy and sell you… no, I want you to go and tell Michelle that you have reconsidered her position.

Never… never… never!

How do you think she will feel if I tell her Andy Burton didn’t go to Bognor of his own free will. What did you do, threaten him with? Prison for underage sex? Ah well, we all know who the town bike was in our day don’t we? Your nickname wasn’t Honda for nothing was it? The pride of Peacock (or local area). The slag from Silcoates Street.

You don’t know any of that, you’re just guessing.

Try me out, Gina.

She goes out humming ‘The Stripper’. Fade to black. Lights up on Ward. Michelle wanders in looking bewildered.

She is dressed and ready to go home. Vivien winks at Lindsay.

Michelle I don’t believe it. I can’t quite take all of this in. She has done a complete u-turn. She’s going to ring Andy and ask him to come back. But what about my exams, what about if it doesn’t work out… between me and Andy… what if?

Lindsay Michelle, calm down. Sister Mitchell has had a long talk with your social worker, and they think it might be a good idea if you had your baby fostered for a while until you get your life sorted out.

Michelle But what if the foster family lives miles away? What if they won’t let me see him?

Lizzie (After a brief pause). I’ll do it… that’s if you want me to, and social services don’t mind.

Michelle Want you to… Oh Lizzie! Could you? I mean… is it too soon after… you know?

Lizzie Best thing for me love, honest.

Michelle And could I see him whenever I wanted?

Lizzie Whenever.

Michelle I don’t know how to thank you.

Lizzie Don’t thank me it wasn’t my idea. (She looks across at Vivien).

Vivien It was nothing… actually I enjoyed it, I think your mother will do anything you want… within reason. And if she steps out of line… just call her Gina.

Michelle Before she left she said something about photographs… she wanted them.

Vivien With pleasure. (She hands some photos to Michelle).

32

Michelle What does she want with pictures of your baby?

Vivien Beats me.

Enter Nicola opening a box, inside which is the cutest little boy’s outfit.

Nicola Vivien Nicola Vivien Nicola Vivien Nicola Lindsay Nicola

Vivien, thank you so much, Sister Mitchell just gave me it. She said it was from you.

It is.

I didn’t think they made things so cute for boys. I must try it on him, thanks.

Nicola, just promise me one thing.

What.

You won’t put his hair in pigtails.

It’s a promise… hey have you seen Sister, she’s absolutely plastered.

Oh boy, how many has she had.

No, not plastered drunk, proper plastered. She’s got her leg in plaster right up to here.

Lindsay runs to the drawer and takes out the effigy.

Lindsay Oh bloody hell… oh God! She takes out the pin and drops the effigy into the bin.

Sister Lindsay Sister Lindsay Sister

(Offstage). He’s not going to help you now, Nurse.

Oh, shit!

(Walking on quite normally). Yes, tons of it… in geriatrics. Off you go, now!

But the leg?

Joke, Nurse. Now, do I hear the sound of distant bedpans? (Exit Lindsay). Well ladies, may I say: all’s well that ends well. The Doctor has said you may all leave; goodbye and good luck.

Now, if you will excuse me, my gin and tonic is getting warm.

Just as she is about to leave, she hears voices coming from offstage. These lines need to be carefully timed and spoken as audience laughter can obliterate the dialogue, leaving some of the lines unclear.

Nicola Kevin Nicola Kevin Nicola Kevin

(Offstage). Harder, just do it harder.

(Offstage). Are you sure it isn’t too soon?

(Offstage). I have waited a long time for this… ooooh, oooh.

(Offstage). Am I hurting you?

(Offstage). Oh yes, oh yes. Nearly there, Kevin; make an effort.

(Offstage). I am, it won’t go up any further.

They all look at each other with shocked expressions. Enter Kevin and Nicola.

Nicola Kevin Sister

Look, I’ve actually got into my jeans!

Anything wrong, Sister?

No, nothing; everything is absolutely wonderful.

Blackout. Lights up. Lindsay is seated as we found her at the opening of Act 1.

Lindsay That was some week that was. Anyway, to bring you up to date. Nicola and Kevin have taken baby home to their neat little semi, and they are doting parents. They had to re-paper the bedroom though. Called the baby, Alexander. Lizzie is fostering Michelle’s baby until her exams are over. Andy came back from Bognor to talk to her, and if they can overcome the trials and tribulations of adolescence they will try to make a go of it… if not, he says he will always be there for them both. Lizzie is coping fine, but it took Eric three days to sober up… and Viv. Well Viv, will always be…

Vivien (Offstage). The name is Vivien.

FX: The telephone rings.

Lindsay Hello… Dr Umantango… yes… there’s no one here but me… you want to see me… wonderful. (To the audience). Go on then, bugger off home… well really… (she goes to the lamp and turns it off). Good-bye!

~~~~<<<< THE END >>>>~~~~ 33

PRODUCTION NOTES The Characters Sister Mitchell Middle-aged, rules the ward with a rod of iron. Married but no children, loves her job. She has a good heart, but keeps it well hidden.

Nurse Walker Sex mad, loves men. Loves being a nurse, but would prefer the men’s ward. She is extremely competent and is trying to bring Sister Mitchell up to date with laid back ideas in childbirth. She has a great deal of respect for Sister Mitchell, but doesn’t show it too often.

Kevin and Nicola Ward As first time parents they are trying to do everything by the book. Kevin is determined to video everything.

Nicola is very sure she is having a girl, when in fact she gives birth to a boy. She is a meticulous person, fussy to a point of obsession. They are very suburban, very nice, plain, everyday folks.

Vivian and Clive Withrington Self-made, money people. She is the proverbial snob, thinks she knows everything, and thinks money gives her a standing in the community. She is horrified that she has to mix with ‘common’ people by sharing the same ward. Clive on the other hand, remembers where he came from and mixes easily with other people. He loves his wife although sometimes he doesn’t like her. He succumbs to her requests only so he can live the quiet life. Vivien must be able to show two sides to her character. The obnoxious snob that her character is at the beginning, turning into quite a caring person when her façade slips after the humiliation of childbirth. Her mispronunciation of words and sayings becomes quite obvious as the play progresses.

Lizzie, Trish and Eric Meadows Lizzie loves children, Eric loves Lizzie. She has conceived a baby whilst going through the menopause, but this doesn’t worry her in the least. They are down to earth, hard working and they love their children.

In fact they love all children and they have fostered on many occasions. Eric is very blunt and straight to the point. Trish, on the other hand, is disgusted that her parents still have sex and makes a point of letting them know how upset she is at being seen with her mother in a maternity ward. Lizzie is the mother figure in the ward and sees the best in everyone, especially Vivien.

Michelle and Mrs Greenwood Michelle is a very naïve sixteen year old. She went to a party with her boyfriend and drank too many alcopops. Her boyfriend, terrified of her mother, ran away after she threatened him with prison. Although Michelle knows she is too young, she is desperate to keep the baby, but her mother will not allow it. Mrs Greenwood is the worst kind of woman in the world. Manipulative, domineering, and outspoken to the point of always being rude. She forgets that she was brought up on a council estate. She moved to a classier area and has brought Michelle back to her old town, thinking no one will know her.

Dr Mathers A male chauvinist at heart, he likes being a doctor because he can flirt with all the nurses. Married but plays around. Likes to wind up the domestics on every occasion possible.

Brenda and Dot Domestics, and proud of it. Brenda is very slow and talks very slow. Dot on the other hand is quick and alert to everything that takes place on her ward. The actresses playing these two must have good comic timing, as most of the one-liners come from them.

Costumes Sister Mitchell, Lindsay and Dr Mathers Dress the ladies in outfits appropriate to their position and if possible in your local hospital uniforms.

Doctors don’t usually wear white coats now, so he can wear casual trousers, shirt and tie.

Dot and Brenda Again dress in housekeeper/domestic outfits usually seen in local hospital.

Lizzie and Eric Middle of the road clothes, (In the UK - Matalan etc).

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Costumes (cont’d) Trish Trendy jeans, sweater, baseball cap etc, not too expensive.

Nicola and Kevin ‘Marks and Spencer’-type clothes and accessories. Not trendy, bordering on a middle-aged style.

Vivien and Clive Top of the range designer clothes, as expensive as possible.

Michelle Middle of the road, trendy teenage gear.

Mrs Greenwood Older end, just below designer wear. Tries to be exclusive but just doesn’t have the style to pull it off. Must show that she is trying to be something she isn’t.

Pregnant Ladies The best way to achieve the desired effect is to use a long vest and stitch padding on the inside. This stops the bump looking artificial and gives the clothing a smooth line. Kapok can be used or perhaps a round cushion. It is suggested that these are made at the beginning of rehearsals so the feeling of size and the way actors sit and move become normal. If possible weight their ‘bumps’, so that movement is heavy.

The Set The set should be simple - four beds, four lockers with three or four visitor’s chairs and a nurses station, (which could just be a simple desk and chair). Back flats can be used and these should be fairly plain, possibly with one window. It is feasible to use just a plain black backcloth. Several parts of scenes take place on the stage apron, possibly in front of tabs, but preferably lit as a separate area.

Approach your local hospital, who, for a small donation might allow you to borrow most of the equipment needed. A metal/fabric screen on wheels is needed otherwise curtains will have to be included around each bed. The nurse’s desk should have a small lamp and a telephone.

Lighting The lighting plot is very simple for this play. Full static lighting mostly, but dimmed down when required to intimate night. A separate plot could be devised to light the front of the stage when being used for a waiting room, blacking out the main set. The light on the nurses’ station can be functional when ‘lights out’ is called, but it’s not absolutely necessary.

Sound Effects  Telephone ringing (or practical telephone)  ‘Match Of The Day’ theme music (in the UK, this is a well-known TV sports programme). This could just be sung by Mathers and Kevin though, if required.  Various suggestions for play-in and play-out music …  Baby Love (The Supremes)  Twenty Tiny Fingers  Stand And Deliver (Adam And The Ants) … but use any music that outlines the play.

Props General  Doll dressed as a Nurse (this could be a knitted one)  Buckets and mops  Various charts and clipboards  Soft football  Specimen bottle  Dustbin bags  Thermometer  Telephone directory  Mugs and hot water jug 35



Pill bottles and little plastic pill holders

Props (cont’d)          

Syringe Pens and paper Plastic tubing Vibrators (In the UK - Ann Summers mail order) Oxygen mask and a length of plastic tubing (gas and air) Plastic water glasses and water jugs Brown paper bag Birthing ball Two baby balloons, one pink, one blue, helium filled Blue baby outfit

Personal Michelle Lizzie Eric Vivien Clive Kevin Nicola Lindsay Dot Dr Mathers

- Teddy bear, big floppy slippers, pyjamas - Knitting, long old-fashioned nightie, fur lined slippers - Carrier bag, old socks, cigarettes, newspaper - Designer holdall, comb, mirror, photos, designer nightie and negligee, ‘OK’ or ‘Hello’ magazine - Very large teddy bear, flowers, cigars - Grapes, camcorder - Book on childbirth, ‘sensible’ nightie and dressing gown (from Marks & Spencer) - Copy of ‘Playgirl’, scissors, pair of tiny knickers - ‘Marigold’ rubber gloves - Stethoscope, pager, pens

Suggestions Although basically the play was written to make the audience laugh, the director must keep in mind the sentimentality of the situation. The traumas of childbirth must be suitably handled. Vivien’s change must be gradual and not seen as too contrived. Emphasise the difference between all the families and the subtleties of ladies being confined to a small space and having to support each other. Lindsay and Dr Mathers should not be portrayed as unprofessional, even though they are having an affair.

The strong language included in ‘Vivien’s birth’ sounds excessive, but you will find the audience will accept the ‘f---’ word if it is expressed as part of the pain of labour. However, if you feel that your audience will be unresponsive, please substitute as necessary. As said previously your local hospital might be able to help with beds and lockers, unless you have a good set designer who is able to create the image. Offer a donation to one of the hospital departments, sometimes this works out cheaper than actually making the furniture and props.

Publicity If your town hospital has a maternity department this is a good opportunity to raise funds for them at the same time. Have a collection for the premature baby unit at each performance. Offer the student nurses a BOGOF deal (two tickets for the price of one). Your local newspaper should be glad to do an editorial outlining your plans. Give pregnant women a discount at the box office.

Publisher’s Note In this play are some words peculiar to the North of England, designed to be spoken with a Yorkshire accent (eg ‘alas’ meaning ‘always’ and pronounced “aah-luss”).

If any of the dialogue needs ‘translating’ the publishers will be pleased to assist.

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Also by Janet Shaw …

Playing Away (5m, 8f) Black Comedy It's darts time again at the Frog and Duck in downtown Barnsley (or wherever). The girls' team have made the final again and the lads, well the lads are struggling.

The excitement of the competition is overshadowed when a routine medical examination jeopardises the rock-solid marriage of landlord Alan and his wife Kath. Kath is pregnant, but Alan has had a vasectomy. Could it be that someone at the pub other than the darts team has been playing away?

On the lads team, it's honesty time for Gary, when he has to face the truth about himself, and it's crunch time for compulsive liar Danny, when he meets his match in socialite Tara Smythe-Hamilton. Meanwhile on the girl’s team, Dawn realises that years of unrequited love are finally over.

Throw in an interfering mother-in-law for Alan, an unintelligible Irish man and the town's worst dieters and you have the recipe for a night of hilarity fused together with just the right amount of pathos.

Behind Closed Doors (5m, 3f) Drama Set in 1969, when physical and mental abuse was a fact of life to many women, this play is about domestic violence inside marriage – a subject still regrettably topical over thirty-five years later. The engagement of two university students brings together their families.

Sandra is from working class Doncaster and Tarquin is from the stockbroker belt of Chertsey in Surrey. The parents of both these students, although geographically and sociologically distant, share a common problem the two fathers are controlling bullies with large fists. One mother seeks continual refuge in vodka bottles, the other in a make-believe gentleman companion, who is the antithesis of her husband.

The play explores their different social attitudes in a dramatically comedic way to start with, but the mood darkens considerably when the brutish red mist and balled fists become unbearable and unstoppable, with unpleasant, but not altogether unexpected results.

Full Circle (2m, 5f plus small support) Black Comedy / Drama A comedy drama that explores a family’s current relationship problems that have resulted from a single decision taken forty-four years earlier. If only words had been spoken, if only feelings had been explored, if only questions had been asked sooner, would circumstances have been different; and would broken hearts have been mended earlier?

Dee and Millie haven’t spoken since 1969 and no one knows why. That’s how it would have stayed until fate took a hand when Brian and Linda, their respective children, met and married. Now they tolerate each other on social occasions but avoid each other whenever possible.

It is the week of their only granddaughter’s wedding and it is physically impossible to dodge the inevitable confrontations. No one knows what happened forty-four years ago and Brian and Linda are fed up of the innuendos, sarcasm and downright awkwardness of the situation.

Linda is planning Nicola’s wedding with military precision, much to Brian’s horror when he finds out just what has been planned for the big day. However, the best laid plans can go wrong, and as the wedding plans unravel, so do the lives of the entire family.

No one is talking, and when next door neighbour Wills starts to delve into what happened in 1969, skeletons tumble out of the cupboards at an alarming rate. A spiral of destruction ensues, leaving the family with a past that can only lead to heartbreak, and the resurrection of a day that both Dee and Millie hoped had been buried long ago.

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