Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs by Philip Meeks
Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs by Philip Meeks © Philip Meeks 2012. All Rights Reserved This e-script may not be copied or transcribed by any means electronic, optical or mechanical without the prior permission of the copyright owners or their agent. Photocopying or printing more than one copy of this script without a suitable license is strictly prohibited. This play is a work of fiction. The characters are entirely the product of the authors’ imagination and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. ‘Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs’ is fully protected under the international laws of copyright which are enacted in the UK as the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988. Philip Meeks has asserted his right to be identified as the intellectual owner of the work in accordance with the above Act. While every precaution has been taken in the preparation of this play, the publisher assumes no responsibility for errors or omissions, or for damages resulting from the use of the material contained herein. Published, and rights managed in the UK and Ireland by : Stagescripts Ltd, Lantern House, 84 Littlehaven Lane, Horsham, West Sussex, RH12 4JB, UK Tel (UK) : 0845 686 0611 International : +44 (0)700 581 0581 sales@stagescripts.com www. stagescripts.com
Publication History: May 2014 :
First Edition Stagescripts Ltd Registered in England and Wales No. 06155216
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SE-0303
Rev A
First Produced The premiere of this pantomime was given by the People’s Theatre, Newcastle upon Tyne between 8th and 16th December 2012.
Characters (4m, 2f, 3m/f) Queen Lilith - The Mistress of Mean (f) Snow White - Lilith’s step daughter (f) Chuckles - The Jester (m) Nurse Kitty - his medical mum (m) Prince Rufus - a well heeled suitor (m) Sidney Snarl - a horrible henchman (m) The Spirit Of The Mirror - a magical force (a m/f voice) The Seven Dwarfs (m/f) Bizzy - the one in charge Huffity - the moody one Giddy - the daft one Stomp - the noisy one Hiccup - the hiccupping one Tickles - the giggly one Tiddler - the tiniest of them all
Cameo roles from the Chorus
A chorus of palace folk, forest sprites, Irish dancing spirits, woodland animals, babes, ghouls, gaga’s girls, and ghosties.
Setting The land of Goodwill.
Scenes Prologue
The Magic Mirror
Act One Scene One Scene Two Scene Three Scene Four Scene Five Scene Six Scene Seven
The town of Goodwill Beyond the Town Walls The Queen’s Chambers Beyond the Town Walls The Palace Garden Beyond the Town Walls The Enchanted Forest.
Act Two Scene One Scene Two Scene Three Scene Four Scene Five Scene Six
The Dwarfs Cottage The Queen’s Dastardly Dungeon Beyond the Town Walls The Dwarfs Cottage Chuckle’s Glee Club The Royal Wedding
i
Musical Numbers # 1 : Overture # 2 : Quietly Menacing Music # 3 : ‘The Nicest Kids In Town’ (from ‘Hairspray’) # 4 : Entrance Music for Chuckles (Comical) # 5 : ‘What’ll I Do’ (TV ‘Birds Of A Feather’; Irving Berlin) # 6 : Entrance Music for Kitty (Big bold and brassy) # 7 : ‘Fabulous Baby’ (Sister Act) # 8 : ‘Naughty’ (from ‘Matilda’) # 9 : Fanfares #10 : Evil Chords #11 : Fanfare #12 : Reprise, ‘The Nicest Kids In Town’ (from ‘Hairspray’) #13 : ‘Heigh Ho’ #14 : ‘I’m A Believer’ (The Monkees) #15 : Menacing Music #16 : Fanfare #17 : ‘Get The Party Started’ (P!nk) #18 : Entrance Music for Snow White (Dreamy excitement) #19 : Entrance Music for Chuckles (Comical) #20 : A Big-hearted Love Song #21 : Evil Chords #22 : Short Reprise, ‘Get The Party Started’ (P!nk) #23 : Attacking Music Underscore #24 : Entrance Music for Snow White (Wary and Quiet) #25 : Irish Dancing Music #26 : Part, ‘If I Ruled The World’ (from ‘Pickwick’)
Instrumental Instrumental Snow White & Chorus Instrumental Chuckles & Audience Instrumental Kitty & Girls Kitty, Chuckles, Snow White & Babes Instrumental Instrumental Instrumental Snow White & Chorus Dwarfs Snow White & Prince Rufus. Instrumental Instrumental Queen Lilith Instrumental Instrumental Chuckles & Chorus Instrumental Queen Lilith Instrumental Instrumental Instrumental Snow White & Chorus
#27 : Entr’acte #28 : ‘Whistle While You Work’ #29 : Brief Reprises, Whistle While We Work’ segued with ‘Heigh Ho’ #30 : Evil Music #31 : Blowsy ‘Vamp’ Music #32 : ‘Bad Romance’ (Lady Gaga) #33 : Part, ‘If I Ruled The World’ (from ‘Pickwick’) #34 : Evil Ghoulish Music #35 : Evil Chords #36 : ‘Snuff Out The Light’ (Yzma’s Song by Eartha Kitt) #37 : Scary Chords #38: ‘Ghostbusters’ (from the film, sung by Ray Parker, Jr) #39 : Evil Magic Spell Music #40 : Triumphant Chords #41 : Fight Music #42 : A Heroic Fanfare #43 : A Bouncy ‘Glee’Style Song #44: The Song Sheet Song #45 : Finale Song #46 : Playout
Instrumental Snow White & Dwarfs
ii
Dwarfs Instrumental Instrumental Kitty, Sidney & Gaga Girls. Prince Rufus Instrumental Instrumental Lilith & Ghouls Instrumental Kitty, Chuckles & Rufus Instrumental Instrumental Instrumental Instrumental Rufus, Snow White & Chorus Kitty & Chuckles Company Instrumental
ACT ONE Prologue - The Magic Mirror MUSIC #1 : OVERTURE A generic palace corridor cloth depicts the Queen’s Chamber. The trucked mirror is then swept on to this set from a downstage entrance. The Overture ends. Dangerous chords are heard as the diabolical Queen Lilith enters.
Lilith
Welcome one and all to: “Wicked Queen and the Seven Dwarfs.” That’s right. This glorious little show is all about me, me, me, so you’d better get used to it. If anyone even whispers the name Snow White they’ll be sorry. This story is mine. Yes it is! (Business: ‘Oh no it isn’t). Silence. My name is Queen Lilith Malevola Nastasia the first, the last. The only! Or Lil to my mates. If I had any. Stupid Snow White is my step daughter but I treat her like a servant. It’s my way of getting back at her father, King Wilberforce. When he accidentally tumbled out of that window he was supposed to leave me rich. But his pitiful kingdom of Goodwill is stony broke. Looking this good costs! And although Goodwill has the biggest diamond mine in the world I can’t get my clutches on a single treasure. The place is protected by pesky dwarves. How I despise dwarves. Thankfully I’m not only a beautiful queen. I’m an evil enchantress. I’ve put a spell on the dwarfs which will mean the diamonds will, one day, belong to me. Until that time I have chosen my next victim… I mean… husband. Prince Rufus of [local ‘posh’ area]. He’s young, handsome and filthy rich. Of course when he takes one look at me it will be love at first sight! (Business: audience reaction). You don’t believe me? We will ask my slave. Behold my Mysterious Magical Mirror. (The mirror comes to life. The rest of the scene is underscored).
MUSIC #2 : QUIETLY MENACING MUSIC Lilith
Oh, Mirror, Mirror on the wall. Mirror, Mirror on the wall…
SFX: a terrifying wail.
Mirror Lilith Mirror Lilith Mirror Lilith Mirror Lilith Mirror
You spoke, oh diabolical mistress of all things dark and dastardly? He’s/She’s such a sweetie. And now I’ll prove that when young Prince Rufus arrives he won’t be able to resist me… Mirror, Mirror on the wall / Who is the fairest of them all? Why you, oh Majesty of Mean / The most glittering, glamorous Wicked Queen… You see! … were the fairest until today / When another, more beautiful, got in your way. (Furiously). What was that? Let it all out, don’t bottle your rage / Snow White pipped you at the post when she came of age. Of course! Today’s the wretched girl’s eighteenth birthday. With her skin as pure as dew and her lips of ruby red / the only time you’ll beat her charms, is when the girl is dead.
SFX: Apply an echo to ‘dead’. Queen Lilith charges down stage into a tight green spot on her. The mirror is struck.
Lilith
Snow White’s demise must be devised. Well, what’s a girl to do? If Prince Rufus falls for her, my dark dreams won’t come true. (She performs a spell in her anger. FX: A flash of some description). There’ll be a special celebration today for Snow White’s eighteenth birthday. But she won’t live to see it. I’ll destroy her and her beauty. Then once again I will be the fairest of them all. (She laughs an evil laugh, and exits).
1
Scene One The town of Goodwill.
MUSIC #3 : ‘THE NICEST KIDS IN TOWN’ [SNOW WHITE & CHORUS] Snow White leads the number. Provide an underscored break for the following.
Snow White
Hello everybody! I’m Snow White! I live here in Goodwill with my dear step-mother and all my friends. I’m eighteen today and d’you know what? I think it’s going to be the best birthday I’ve ever had.
The number builds to a climax. After the applause, dastardly chords are heard and Sidney Snarl enters wielding a whip.
Sidney
People of Goodwill! Less of the merriment. What do you think this is? Geordie Shore? [or TOWIE, Made In Chelsea etc]. Well any more nonsense and I’ll see to it that you’re all washed up, for I am Goodwill’s nastiest henchman. Sidney Snarl. (He cracks his whip, fails, and hurts himself).
Snow White Sidney All Sidney All Sidney All Sidney Snow White Sidney Snow White
Oh Sidney, stop being a grumpy old spoilsport. That’s Mr Snarl to you. I’m here to tell you bad news. And the worse news. Boo! Taxes are going up. Ohh! With the plague of dwarfs terrorising the land her Royal Rotteness, Queen Lilith has no other choice. Booooh! And today, our Majesty of Mayhem wants everyone to do their chores in record time, including you Snow White. We always work as hard as we can. Well, work harder. My mistress demands it. The Monarch of Misery, Ruler of Discontent, Diva of Devilment, great Queen of Chaos… Why does everyone always talk about my step-mother in such a nasty way? She’s as sweet as can be! (The chorus react: why can’t Snow White see what a rotter Lilith really is). It’s hard being a queen. Especially when the countryside’s over run with terrible dwarfs.
SFX or Voices Off: a lone ‘Heigh Ho’, followed by dwarf-like giggles. The Chorus and Sidney react by huddling together.
Sidney Snow White Sidney
Fear not. Her Highness says they can’t touch us if we stay within the walls of her queendom. And even if they did, Mr Snarl would protect us. Wouldn’t you? (Weakly). Yes!
Snow White nudges one of the Chorus. They all know she’s winding Sidney up.
Snow White
Sidney
Even if they’re as ugly and mean as my step-mother says. With two heads each, long crooked claws, and really sharp teeth that can eat you up in a gulp! (She puts her hand on his shoulder). (Leaping away, scared). I want my mummy!
Everyone laughs. Sidney snarls.
Snow White Sidney Snow White Sidney
We’re only teasing. The Queen is expecting a very special Royal Visitor. Really? Who? I ask no questions. All I know is she wants the town square sparkling and the whole of Goodwill must gather at noon. Sidney Snarl has spoken. Now back to work and quick about it! (He cracks his whip again, fails and exits). 2
Snow White
I bet there’s no Royal visitor. I bet my step-mother’s planning a surprise party for me! She may have been too busy to remember all my other birthdays, but I said this year was going to be special. My chum Chuckles will know what’s going on. Let’s go and find him.
Snow White and the Chorus exit, calling: “Chuckles”.
MUSIC #4 : ENTRANCE MUSIC FOR CHUCKLES Enter Chuckles, on a scooter.
Chuckles
It’s me boys and girls. Chuckles the jester. I’ve just been to the shops. I went on my scooter all the way to the [big local shopping centre]. I went to buy some invisible ink. The man in the shop asked me: “Which colour?” What a daftie, boys and girls! Then I went to the bakers to ask about a job. He said: “What do you want to work in a bakery for?”. I said: “Because I’d like to loaf around all day”. Then I stopped to read the papers and there’s some dead, dead exciting news in them, boys and girls. There is. In Egypt, boys and girls, they have dug up a brand new mummy. And when they took all its bandages off they discovered it was covered in chocolate and nuts. They think its Pharoah Rochet. They were jokes! Suit yourselves. You see, I’m the jester at the Palace and I have to entertain the Queen. It’s really hard making that old witch smile. I’ve seen more mirth in council meetings at [name of local town] Town Hall. So sometimes when I’ve run out of my jokes I sing her a little song. This is one of my favourites and I’d like you all to join in with me. After I sing a line I want you all to sing: “Ting!” back to me. Will ya? Here we go.
MUSIC #5 : ‘WHAT’LL I DO’ [CHUCKLES & AUDIENCE] Chuckles queues the audience in with each ‘Ting’.
Chuckles
Kitty Chuckles
What’ll I do? [‘Ting’] / When you [‘Ting’] / Are far [‘Ting’]… (He mocks shock). Boys and girls, how rude of you. How ruuuuuuude. Oh, I almost forgot. I’m loaded boys and girls. You see, ever since I was bought a CD of Justin Beiber’s greatest hits for my birthday, my mum gives me double pocket money not to play it! So I spend it all on sweets and this week there’s far too many for me to eat. Would you lot like to share them? (Business: Throwing the sweets). Now those who got one, be generous. Have a little suck and pass the sweeties along! We are all going to get along tonight aren’t we?! Tell you what. Every time I come on stage, I’m gonna say: “Who’s Chuckle’s Chums?” And I want you to answer back: “We are, you daftie!” Shall we have a practice? (Business: practice the routine). Now, come a bit closer. Now you’re all my chums, I want to tell you all a couple of secrets. I was being a bit of a tinker going to the [local big shopping centre] because that mean Lilith doesn’t let us leave Goodwill. She says if we do the Dwarfs will eat us. But I don’t think that’s true, boys and girls. One day I want to meet a dwarf and I’ll prove that the silly Queen is fibbing. My next secret makes me blush a bit. Have you lot met Snow White yet? You have? She’s beautiful isn’t she? She’s my bestest friend in the whole wide world. Well, come closer. Closer than that. Not that far. Let me tell you a thing about me and Snow White. Let me tell you a thing you’d never guess in a million and one years… (Offstage, loudly). Yoo hoo! Knickers! That’s my mum, Nurse Kitty. She’s been feeling fruity ever since Andy Murray made it to the final [or similar national sporting victory] . Whenever she sees me she gives me a great big sloppy kiss, so I’m outta here. See you later, boys and girls. One more time: Who’s chuckles chums?
Audience response as he exits.
MUSIC #6 : ENTRANCE MUSIC FOR KITTY
3
Kitty
Yoo hoo! Yoo hoo! Well look at you all. What a lovely welcome. What a lovely bunch. How splendid. Now I was sure I heard my boy, Chuckles. I wanted to give him a great big sloppy kiss. Who wants one instead? Don’t all rush! (She picks on someone in the audience). How about you? What’s your name? (Hopefully, he’ll tell her. For the purpose of this script, he’s called Dickie). Dickie. This is Dickie, everybody. My goodness that’s my favourite name. It’s my husband’s name, girls. Well, he’s not actually my husband. In fact we’ve only just met. Hello Dickie. I’ve just dumped my boyfriend, Dickie. Every time we canoodled he used to shout out: Junction 29. It was a very big turn off… But we parted amicably. I thanked him for his services… See you later, Dickie. Now hark at me not introducing myself properly. I am Nurse Kitty, and we’re all going to be friends today. But just to make sure I’d like everyone to turn to the person on your right and say: “How do you do”. (The audience does so). Marvellous! And now everybody turn to the person on your left and answer back: “Mind your own business!”. It costs nothing to be polite does it? You know you lot have really cheered me up. I’ve not been well, you know. The Doctor suggested I tried that substitute margarine. You know the stuff. I’ve eaten six tubs in three days so I Can’t Believe I’m Not Better… I work at the Palace of Goodwill for Queen Lilith. Have you met her yet? Bad breeding. No class. She makes Pepper Pig look like Pippa Middleton. I’m her private nurse and Lady in Waiting. And I can tell you one thing for nothing. I’ve been waiting a very long time. I was married once of course. Now I’m a widow. (Business: Aaah). It’s sadder than that (Business: Ahhh). My husband died after falling down a wishing well. Who knew they worked. But I do enjoy living here at Goodwill Castle because I’m with my cheeky son Chuckles, the royal jester, and the lovely Snow White. And of course I know my waiting days won’t be forever. I mean, look at me. Not bad for an old bird. In fact, I’m fabulous. MUSIC #7 : ‘FABULOUS BABY’ [KITTY & GIRLS]
Kitty
See you later boys and girls. Toodle-oo, Dickie.
Kitty and the Girls exit. Enter Chuckles.
Chuckles
Snow White Chuckles Snow White Chuckles Snow White Chuckles Snow White Chuckles Snow White Chuckles
Snow White
Who’s Chuckles chums? (Business).Now where were we before we were rudely interrupted? (Snow White enters upstage). Snow White! (She walks slowly down to chuckles during the following). You see, boys and girls, I think I love her a little bit. Who am I trying to kid??? I love her loads. I want her to be my girlfriend. But I’m too shy to tell her. She makes my heart go ‘boom-diddy, boom-diddy boom’. And… she’s behind me isn’t she? Hello, Snow White. What are you too shy to tell me? Nothing... I was just practising for your birthday surprise. You remembered. Of course. And what’s the surprise? I love surprises! I haven’t decided yet. I thought I might tell you my favourite joke? What cheese do you use to coax a bear out of the woods? I don’t know? (Presenting his empty hand). Camambert! Doh! That’s that surprise ruined. I’ve another one, I’ve another one. What’s green and invisible? Haven’t a clue… This cabbage. (He opens his empty hand). I’ve done it again! I’ll do you a magic trick instead! (He goes to the wings and is handed a paper bag). I’m going to blow this bag up, pop it, and make a pigeon appear. Really? 4
Chuckles Snow White Chuckles Snow White Chuckles Snow White Chuckles Kitty Chuckles Kitty Snow White Kitty Chuckles Kitty Chuckles Kitty Chuckles Snow White Chuckles Kitty Chuckles Snow White Kitty Snow White Kitty Snow White Chuckles Snow White Chuckles Snow White Kitty Chuckles
Watch! (He blows, and pops. The bag bursts and there’s feathers everywhere). Oh no! I always clap too hard. You do make me laugh, Chuckles. Do I? You’re hilarious. Try telling this lot that! I’ve got something to say to you, Snow White. Yes? (Getting all giddy). Come on knees don’t go wibbly-wobbly on me now! I Loooo… I Leeeer (He can’t say ‘love’). (Entering). Yoo hoo! Oh bum! My two babies together. Hello, Nurse Kitty (To ‘Dickie’). Missed me, Dickie? (To Chuckles). Come here cheeky chops. Time for a sloppy kiss. Gerroff. Doesn’t your yummy mummy even get a hug? Yuk, yuk and double yuk. Watch it buster. I’ve got a face that could launch a thousand ships. More like a face that could fit a thousand chips. Don’t be cheeky, Chuckles. It’s what I do best. We may have our little jokes with each other, boys and girls, but we love each other really. We certainly do. We’re a very happy family. Me, you two, and dear Lilith. Don’t mention her name to me… You’re always mean about my stepmum. You’ve heard of the Glasgow Kiss? I’d like to give her a Heaton Hug [replace with a suitable local equivalent]. She’s hardworking, glamorous… She’s like a Hollywood star… SHREK! It’s not easy being a Queen. It is for her. She never lifts a finger. You do all the chores and you’re meant to be a Princess. I don’t mind. You’re a very good girl, but I think it’s high time you rebelled. It’s great fun being naughty!
Enter the Babes.
MUSIC : #8 ‘NAUGHTY’ [KITTY, CHUCKLES, SNOW WHITE & BABES] At the end of the number all exit, except Snow White, who makes to exit, but is stopped by a fanfare.
MUSIC #9A : FANFARE Prince Rufus enters.
Rufus Snow White Rufus Snow White Rufus
Excuse me? Servant girl? Are you speaking to me? Yes! You need to call after all those people. Let them know I’ve arrived. I’m used to my own citizens thronging the streets to welcome me. And who do you think you are? I am Crown Prince Rufus of the incredibly wealthy kingdom of [local ‘posh’ area]. 5
MUSIC #9B : FANFARE Snow White Rufus Snow White Rufus Snow White Rufus Snow White Rufus Snow White Rufus Snow White Rufus Snow White Rufus Snow White
So what? You’re not impressed? Of a pompous stuffed shirt like you? Nobody’s ever spoken to me like that before. But I’ll forgive you. Because you’ve got a wonderful smile. I can’t imagine there’ll be anything of interest for you in Goodwill. Errr. I have an appointment. With Great Queen Lilith, but I’m early. And I’m lost. I can direct you to her chambers. You can? I may only be a servant girl but I’m not stupid! I didn’t mean… Go out of the town square and walk about a mile North. Thank you. And I’ll see you again? Not if I see you first. Funny as well as beautiful. You can’t keep the Queen waiting. On your way. (Exit Rufus, obviously besotted by Snow White). That’ll teach him for being full of himself. I’ve sent him on a wild goose chase.
MUSIC #10 : EVIL CHORDS Snow White
My step mother’s coming. I better get on with my chores. If she is going to throw me a party I don’t want her to change her mind.
Exit Snow White, as Lilith enters.
Lilith
Mirror Lilith Sidney Lilith Sidney Lilith Sidney Lilith Sidney Lilith Sidney
Have you been bored without me, snivellings? Oh, shut your faces or I’ll transport you all to [nearest seaside resort] without your underwear! Now, to once again consult my mercurial mirror. (She produces a hand mirror with the Apple logo on the back). My mobile! (Beat). Mirror, Mirror in my hand / Who’s the fairest in the land. That honour still belongs to your step daughter / You’d better be quick if you’re planning to thwart her. Just checking! Now to start putting my plans in action. (Calling). Sidney! You quivering heap of oozing nastiness. (Entering). You’re too kind… WHAT - WAS - THAT? Oops! I mean ghastly. Completely ghastly. Better. Now, any sign of Prince Rufus? No, your unpleasantness. Whatever happens, he must not set eyes on Snow White. He must not set eyes on Snow White. That’s correct, dimwit. Now don’t just stand there grovelling. Summon the rancid hoards. People of Goodwill. Queen Lilith has graced us with her presence.
MUSIC #11 : FANFARE Enter Snow White, Kitty and the Chorus. Lilith is centre stage.
Snow White Kitty Sidney Chuckles
This is it, Kitty. She’s going to announce my birthday party. Don’t build your hopes up dear. Prepare for a proclamation from our mighty ruler. (Entering). Who’s Chuckle’s chums? (Business). I’ve just had a little snooze and when I woke up I thought I was Donald Duck. Then I thought I was Goofy. Then I thought I was Mickey Mouse. I was having one of my Disney spells. 6
Sidney
(Approaching Chuckles). You’re one step away from an idiot. (Chuckles takes one step away).
Lilith Chuckles Kitty Lilith Kitty Lilith
Silence. We are prepared to speak. She always uses the royal we, doesn’t she, mum? Yes. And she never flushes it. As you know, due to the curse of the seven dwarfs, times are hard. Tell me about it. Third entrance. Same frock. But we’ve decided we need some festivity to brighten our days. Step forward, Snow White, (she struggles to spit the kind words out), my dear delightful step daughter. Gracious Queen. (She steps forward and curtsies). Oh, go on. Use the ‘M-word’. You know you want to. Mummy? (Wincing). That’s the one. Because today is your special birthday I am declaring it a national holiday. I am holding a party this afternoon and you’re all invited. Hurrah! Well I never. Theresa May’s come up trumps. I’ll have to prepare a party tea. We’ll have sandwiches and crisps and lots of those pink wrinkly things on sticks. Sausages? No. Pensioners. (She exits). Thank you so much, mum. I’m so grateful.
Snow White Lilith Snow White Lilith Chorus Kitty Chuckles Kitty Snow White
They make an awkward attempt at a kiss.
Lilith Sidney
Let’s not get too carried away dear. Sidney, assist me. I need a long lie down in a very dark room. Her Majesty has spoken.
Lilith and Sidney exit.
Snow White
I was right. My step mother didn’t forget my birthday. This is the happiest day of my life.
MUSIC # 12 : REPRISE, ‘THE NICEST KIDS IN TOWN’ [SNOW WHITE & CHORUS] The song is interrupted by loud “Heigh Ho’s”. Snow White and the chorus exit in panic shouting “Dwarfs, dwarfs” etc. Chuckles walks into…
Scene Two Beyond the Town Walls. The beginning of the scene is underscored with “Heigh Ho” until the Dwarfs appear and begin to sing.
MUSIC # 13A : ‘HEIGH HO’ [UNDERSCORE] Chuckles
Who’s Chuckles chums? (Business). Good. I’m going to need all the chums I can get. This is my chance to meet the dwarfs, boys and girls. (The “Heigh Ho’s” get louder). Although to be honest, now that they’re really close, I am a little bit scared.
Bizzy, the head dwarf, appears in the auditorium.
Bizzy
Forward march, men. Time for tea!
The other dwarfs march through the audience and join him on stage.
MUSIC # 13B : ‘HEIGH HO’ [DWARFS] The Dwarfs sing as they march through the auditorium and onto the stage. Chuckles ‘hides’ and watches.
Chuckles
Look, boys and girls! This lot aren’t scary at all !
The Dwarfs see him, and huddle together, scared.
Bizzy
A big bad human. 7
Other Dwarfs Chuckles Huffity Chuckles Huffity Bizzy All Dwarfs Chuckles Bizzy Huffity Giddy Stomp Hiccups Bizzy Tickle
Humanhumanhuman. I’m a little boy. I’m Chuckles! He’s been sent by the Wicked Queen. No I haven’t. I’m here on my own because I’m brave. I want to be your friend; that’s all. Humans aren’t friends of the seven dwarfs. Huffity! We’ll have an emergency meeting. (The dwarfs go into a scrum). We’ve decided. We can trust you. Wooo Hooo! I love the dwarfs, boys and girls; don’t you? Let’s introduce ourselves, men! My name is Bizzy. I’m the boss. I’m Huffity. The sensible one. (The other Dwarfs moan). Someone’s got to be! I’m Giddy. I’m a little bit silly. I’m Stomp. I like making a noise. I’m… (Hiccup). I’m… (Hiccup). I’m… (Hiccup). He’s Hiccups, and he’s always lost for words. I’m Tickle. I like to make people laugh.
The tiniest one of all steps forward.
Bizzy Chuckles Tiddler Chuckles Bizzy Huffity
And this is Tiddler. Tiddler! He’s a tiny little nipper! (SFX: he ‘speaks’ in a deep recorded male voice). How dare you!
Sorry. But you all look like children. Because of wicked Queen Lilith. She’s cursed us. We’re getting younger every day. Soon we’ll be tiny, tiny, babies!
The dwarfs shake their heads sorrowfully.
Chuckles Tiddler Bizzy Huffity Chuckles Bizzy Huffity Chuckles Bizzy
Chuckles Bizzy
Why would lousy Lilith want to be so cruel to you? (SFX: recorded voice). Because when we become babies she can steal all our diamonds. Then she’ll be rich. And her evil will know no bounds. What can I do to stop the witch’s curse? If we are kind, her powers grow weaker, and ours grow stronger. That’s why she tells everyone we’re monsters. So there’s no one for us to help. You poor things. I’ll help you. Can I, Can I, Can I? Take this. (He produces a whistle from round his neck). It’s a magic whistle. If you need us, call us. (Chuckles blows the whistle. SFX: a comical sound is heard). We will come to your rescue whenever you or your friends are in trouble. Is there anything else I need to do? You will know what to do when the time is right. Farewell, Chuckles.
MUSIC # 13C : REPRISE, ‘HEIGH HO’ [DWARFS] The dwarfs march off.
Chuckles Snow White Chuckles Snow White Chuckles Snow White Chuckles Snow White Chuckles
Aren’t they amazing, boys and girls? When I grow up I want to be a dwarf. (Entering). What are you doing this far out of town Chuckles? (Speaking quickly). I’ve met the dwarfs. And they’re kind. And your stepmum’s a witch… Silly Chuckles. No one’s gonna believe me, boys and girls. Have you thought of my birthday surprise yet? I’m working on another trick. I bet you 50p that I can kiss you without touching you. How can you do that? Close your eyes and you’ll find out.
She does so, and he kisses her on the cheek.
8
Snow White Chuckles
But you did touch me, Chuckles. I know and here’s your 50p… it was worth it. See ya later, everyone. (He exits).
Snow White laughs as Rufus enters.
Rufus Snow White Rufus Snow White Rufus Snow White Rufus Snow White Rufus Snow White Rufus
You again! I thought I’d better catch you up. I sent you the wrong way. Then I felt guilty about it. I deserved to be taught a lesson. But I’m not really full of myself. Promise. I believe you. I don’t even know your name. Snow White. Princess Snow White? Yes. Though I don’t get called that very often. But Queen Lilith writes in her Royal edicts that you live in another kingdom far, far away. The poor dear. She gets confused. A lot on her mind. I nearly didn’t come to Goodwill at all. I figured there’d be nothing here worth making the journey for. I’ve never been as wrong about anything in my life.
MUSIC #14 : ‘I’M A BELIEVER’ [SNOW WHITE & PRINCE RUFUS]
Scene Three The Queen’s Chambers. The full size mirror sweeps on as Lilith enters.
Lilith Mirror
Mirror, Mirror, say a prayer for the cursed / When discussing pure evil who is the worst? When it comes to nasty deeds you’re no fool / You get a double gold star for being so cruel.
The Mirror cackles. Lilith joins in.
Lilith
There! I’m still top of the class at something! What would I do without you, Mirror? You may have the odd chip and your gold frame’s tarnished… You could say you’ve got a guilt complex! But you’re precious to me… Now, where’s my useless henchman. Sidneeeeey.
The mirror goes dark as Sidney enters.
Sidney Lilith
You screeched, oh vile one. The time has come, faithful henchman, to give you your deadly instructions.
MUSIC #15A : MENACING MUSIC, ANTICIPATION The music underscores.
Lilith
Sidney Lilith
As my Queendom celebrates, no one will miss the guest of honour. Snow White will be preparing to meet her fate. You will take her far from Goodwill to a secluded glade deep in the enchanted woods. But what about the d-d-d-dwarfs? If you don’t do as I ask they will be the least of your problems. Let Snow White take in the scenery. Let her feel a breeze on her fair skin. Let her enjoy a few simple pleasures, for they will be her last. Show no mercy as you kill her with your sharpest hunting knife.
MUSIC #15B : MENACING MUSIC, EVIL CHORDS Lilith reveals a casket. She holds it in her clutches.
Lilith
To prove to me that you’ve completed your task, take this casket. Bring me back her heart.
MUSIC #15C : MENACING MUSIC, BIG EVIL CHORDS Sidney
Yes, your majesty. (He exits with the casket). 9
Lilith
And then, without doubt, Queen Lilith will once again be the fairest of them all. (She cackles evilly).
Enter Rufus, catching Lilith at her most maniacal. She sees him and freezes.
Rufus Lilith
Sorry. Am I interrupting something? (Recovering quickly). No, no… A little family situation. Kids! Who’d have ‘em? Not me… well, not for long. I am Crown Prince Rufus of [local ‘posh’ area].
Rufus
MUSIC #16 : FANFARE Rufus
I accepted your invitation, Your Majesty, unaware at the time the question of marriage would arise during my visit. Foolish boy. My beauty is legendary. You should have known that with one glance you’d be smitten. Well actually… Go on. Soak me in. You won’t find totty like this up the [local downmarket main road] . Queen Lilith! It isn’t you I want to marry. It’s your step-daughter, Snow White. Her!?! She’s minging! And she doesn’t even live here… We’ve met twice today already. And she drinks… I’m confident she feels the same way about me. OK, lover boy. I’ve heard enough. You’ve had the chance to play nicely.
Lilith Rufus Lilith Rufus Lilith Rufus Lilith Rufus Lilith
She casts a spell. A couple of ghouls enter and take hold of Rufus.
So it’s true what they say. You are a witch. Too late, sweet cheeks. Flattery won’t work for you now.
Rufus Lilith
MUSIC #17 : ‘GET THE PARTY STARTED’ [QUEEN LILITH]
Scene Four Beyond the Town Walls. The following routine requires several Whiffenpoofs. They only need to bear a passing resemblance to each other as long as they are all the same vibrant colour (pink or orange is best). The Whiffenpoofs used are…
One glove puppet. (#1) Two feather boas attached one each to a flat either side of the pros arch with invisible wire. (#2 runs upwards on one side, #3 runs downwards on the other side).They are worked simply from behind. Two feather boas attached to tennis balls to be thrown across the stage. (#4 and #5) One feather boa on a wire to be hooked to Chuckles trousers. (#7) One feather boa concealed in Kitty’s costume. (#8) One full costume in the same colour to be worn by a member of the chorus.(#9)
Kitty enters with a picnic hamper which is placed down stage left near one of the downstage entrances.
Kitty
Chuckles Kitty Chuckles Kitty Chuckles Kitty
Hello girls. What a day I’m having. I was looking out of my window earlier and there was a man stealing my garden gate. I let him have it in the end. Well, I didn’t want him to take offence. Like the frock, Dickie? I call it my credit crunch dress. The fabric’s so skimpy every time I wear it I freeze my assets. (Entering). Who’s Chuckle’s chums? (Business). Mum, mum… I met the dwarfs. Bless him, boys and girls. His mind wanders. And it’s not strong enough to be out on its own. What have you got there? It’s some of the food for Snow White’s party. Get your mitts off. Can I just have a tiny little look. Go on then. 10
Chuckles Kitty Chuckles Kitty Chuckles Kitty Chuckles Kitty
Chuckles Kitty Audience Chuckles Kitty Chuckles Audience Kitty
(Opening the hamper). Look at all this grub! There’s cream cakes.
Cream cakes. Pork pies! Pork pies. Pease Pudding hot! Pease Pudding cold. And sandwiches stuffed with savaloys! I love sandwiches stuffed with savaloys! Trying saying that with second hand teeth, Dickie. See what you’ve done, Chuckles. You’ve got my tummy rumbling. I can’t wait for the party now. Mine’s rumbling too. In fact I’m going to pinch a sandwich. He can’t do that, can he, boys and girls? Nooo! Oh yes I can! (Business: ‘Oh no you can’t etc). Spoilsports. Pass me a big bottle of Belgian beer from the hamper. I need to whet my whistle. She can’t pinch any beer, can she, boys and girls. Nooo! Oh yes I can. (Business: ‘Oh no you can’t etc) . Spoilsports. (She and Chuckles join each other, stage centre). Let’s be tinkers, Chuckles, and pinch a sandwich and bottle of beer each. No one will notice.
Unseen by Kitty and Chuckles, Whiffenpoof #1 (the glove puppet) has appeared and is on the hamper. The audience will shout. Chuckles sees the Whiffenpoof as it vanishes.
Chuckles Kitty Chuckles Kitty
Mum, mum! Don’t ‘Mum, mum’ me! Where’s my beer? There was something in the hamper. There’s nothing in the hamper. He’s such a fibber, boys and girls.
Whiffenpoof #1 appears again.
Chuckles Kitty Chuckles Kitty Chuckles Kitty
Mum, mum! (Seeing it this time). Chuckles, Chuckles, my lovely lad… do you know what that was?
No… It was a Whiffenpoof! A Whiffen what? A Whiffen Poof… and you don’t find many of them round these parts nowadays, do you, Dickie? Whiffenpoofs are terrible beasties and if we don’t sort it out there’ll be no food left for the party. You’ll have to be a brave lad. (She goes to the hamper and gets out a frying pan).
Chuckles Kitty Chuckles
This is going to be like our very own bush tucker trial, boys and girls. Boys and girls, if the Whiffenpoof comes back, will you let us know? Will you?
Whiffenpoof #2 goes up the pros arch. Kitty and Chuckles rush to try and get it.
Kitty Chuckles
It’s getting away! Where is it, boys and girls?
Whiffenpoof #3 comes down the other pros arch. Kitty and Chuckles miss it again.
Chuckles
Mum it’s there! (He looks offstage and Whiffenpoof #4 attached to a tennis ball is thrown across the stage).
Kitty
It’s coming back (Whiffenpoof #5 is thrown across the stage from the opposite side). It’s in the hamper.
Chuckles goes to the hamper and hooks Whiffenpoof #6 onto his trousers, and runs around.
11
Chuckles Kitty
Mum!!!! (He runs off). My little boy! (She manipulates Whiffenpoof #7 so it looks like its coming out of her frock). Eeeee, boys and girls … … It’s in me knickers, Dickie … well, it would be if I was wearing any!
Exit Kitty. Enter Chuckles.
Chuckles
Don’t worry, boys and girls. We’re safe. The Whiffenpoof has gone!
A chorus member enters dressed as Whiffenpoof #8 with a huge frying pan and starts to creep up behind Chuckles. (Business: ‘Behind you’ etc). The Whiffenpoof chases Chuckles offstage.
Scene Five The palace. This set should be full stage. It will double as the Finale.
MUSIC # 18 : ENTRANCE MUSIC FOR SNOW WHITE Snow White
(Entering). Hello everybody. You can come out now. I’m here. (Lilith enters with Sidney lurking behind her). Step mother?
Lilith Snow White Lilith Snow White
Look at you. My little girl. All grown up. Where’s everyone else? I wanted to spend some ‘quality’ time with you on my own, child. That’s nice. Oh. Almost forgot! I’ve invited someone else to the party. Hope that’s OK? It’s a Prince. And I think I might be in love with him. (Through gritted teeth). We can talk about love later. First, your gift. Alas the palace piggy bank is empty but I have a treat for you. I’ve instructed Sidney to take you somewhere special. A trip to the woods to pick wild strawberries for your birthday tea. The woods! I’ve never been that far outside of Goodwill. Well hurry, dear. Sidney will protect you from the dwarfs. Make sure you get back in no time. Safe and sound.
Lilith
Sidney Snow White Lilith Sidney
Lilith and Sidney laugh.
Snow White Sidney Lilith
Thank you step-mother. Thank you for everything. (She exits). I’ll return, oh putrid one, when the terrible task has been completed. (He exits). (Thinking). No. Not even a pang. Snow White is despatched. Let the party commence. (She exits).
MUSIC #19 : ENTRANCE MUSIC FOR CHUCKLES & CHORUS Enter Chuckles, followed by the Chorus.
Chuckles
Who’s Chuckles chums! (Business). I’ve decided what my surprise for Snow White is. I’m gonna sing her a song. And then I’m going to tell her what I really feel about her.
MUSIC #20 : A BIG-HEARTED LOVE SONG [CHUCKLES & CHORUS] At the end of the number a couple of chorus members exit for a quick change into ghouls.
Chuckles
Happy birthday, Snow White. I love you. There. I said it, I said it, I said it. I looooove yooooooo!
Kitty has entered.
Kitty
I hope that last number wasn’t too painful ladies and gentlemen. We couldn’t afford [latest ‘heart-throb’ solo male singer]. (To Chuckles). Now look, bubble brains… Have you noticed someone’s missing?
Beat.
Both
Where’s Snow White? 12
MUSIC #21 : EVIL CHORDS Enter Lilith, sporting sun glasses and mock distress.
Lilith Kitty Lilith Chuckles Audience Lilith Kitty Chuckles Kitty Lilith
Kitty Chuckles Lilith
I have very bad news. They’ve reinstated the pastie tax! Snow White has gone. (There is general consternation). She left me a note: “Dear mummykins. I’m out of here”. How ungrateful. But I forgive her. Is she fibbing, boys and girls? Yes, she is. Oh, no I’m not! (Business). Listen petal. If you’ve done anything to my Snow White, you’ll be for it. You tell her, mum. I’ve not been this vexed since [insert any topical gag]. Silence! Dear Kitty. Dear Chuckles. I can understand your disappointment. Snow White has let us all down. You have been loyal, loving, servants. And I can’t thank you enough for all you’ve done. So now. You’re fired. (The ghouls enter and throw bags or soft cases at Kitty and Chuckles). Without Snow White, I have no use for you. So you’re banished from Goodwill. You managed to fit all my smalls into this tiny case? Smalls? On washing days you can see her bloomers with Google Earth! And as for the rest of you, there’s been a change of plan. This is now my engagement party. Bring forth my intended: Prince Rufus of [local ‘posh’ area] .
The ghouls drag Rufus on in chains.
Rufus Lilith
I’ll never marry you. Never. Foolish boy, you have no choice. I’ll make the thunder crack and the lightning flash. I am all powerful and unstoppable. This time tomorrow, we’ll be man and wife.
Lilith casts her spell. As the music starts, lights flash and thunder sounds. Lilith cackles.
MUSIC #22 : SHORT REPRISE, ‘GET THE PARTY STARTED’ [LILITH] During the music the Chorus run for cover. Kitty and Chuckles walk into the next scene.
Scene Six Near the woods.
Kitty Chuckles Kitty
Chuckles Kitty
I feel faint. I need a brandy. We haven’t got any, Mum. No brandy, no faint. I’ve not been this upset since I was thrown off ‘How To Look Good Naked’. Who does Lilith think she is? Marrying a handsome prince? She’s only ever been beautiful the once, when she tried that mudpack. She looked fantastic for a fortnight. Then the mud fell off. It’s time for me to blow my magic whistle. Not in front of the boys and girls. You’re like Jedward rolled into one. We’re jobless, homeless, Snow Whiteless, and all you can do is…
Chuckles blows his whistle. Bizzy and Huffity appear.
Bizzy Kitty Chuckles Kitty Chuckles Kitty Chuckles
You called for us, Chuckles? Look. Ant and Dec’s dress sense has improved. They’re dwarfs. They are a little bit shorter in the flesh… Aaaagh! Dwarfs! My day’s complete. Aaagh! Keep your wig on, Mum My hair’s natural! The dwarfs are on our side and with my help they’re going to save the day. 13
Kitty Chuckles Bizzy Huffity Kitty
And my name’s Cheryl Cole… (To Bizzy). My pal Snow White’s in bother. Help her please! We will take her deep into the enchanted forest to stay with us. She will be safe. Now go with your mother and hide. But be careful. The forest sprites are in the mood for dancing. Their powers can do strange things. In for a penny, in for a pound.
Exit Chuckles and Kitty.
We’ve got work to do, dwarfs!
Bizzy
Bizzy and Huffity exit. Sidney, with casket, enters, followed by Snow White.
Snow White Sidney Snow White Sidney
We’ve passed loads of wild strawberries, Sidney. There are far juicier ones beyond this glade. We’re going to be late back. I’ll miss the party. Then I suppose here will have to be the perfect spot.
During the following line, Sidney takes out his knife and prepares to strike.
Snow White
Sidney
Good because I need to rest. It’s so lovely here. And I’ve really enjoyed seeing the woodland animals along the way. And all the trees and plants and flowers… (‘Heigh Ho’ is heard offstage. She turns to see Sidney poised to swing down his knife). What are you doing? Queen Lilith’s will, must be done.
MUSIC #23 : ATTACKING MUSIC UNDERSCORE Snow White
No!
Sidney swipes and misses. Two dwarfs enter.
Sidney
Dwarfs! No. No. Save me!
They chase him off. Bizzy enters and grabs Snow White.
You’re safe Snow White, but only if you come with us.
Bizzy
The music builds as Snow White and Bizzy exit.
Scene Seven The Enchanted Forest. This set should be as full stage as possible. A cut out of the Dwarf’s cottage exterior at the back is at this point hidden by cut outs of trees and foliage.
MUSIC #24 : ENTRANCE MUSIC FOR SNOW WHITE Snow White enters, lost and afraid. The music stops.
Snow White
(Singing acapella). If I ruled the world / Every day would be the first day of spring etc.
Enter the Dwarfs.
Huffity
Quickly, Snow White. The forest sprites are about to make mischief.
They whisk Snow White off as Sidney enters.
Sidney
Lost! I’m hopelessly lost. I want my mummy!
MUSIC #25 : IRISH DANCING MUSIC A few Irish dancers appear. They surround Sidney. As they dance round him, he joins in.
Sidney
What’s happening to me?
Sidney and the dancers, dance off. Chuckles dances on with more Irish dancers.
Chuckles
Who’s Chuckle’s chums! (Business). Look at me, boys and girls. Away with the fairies. The story of my life.
Chuckles and the dancers, dance off. Kitty enters surrounded by dancers. She goes to the front of stage.
14
Even attempt to glimpse up my skirt during this Dickie and I’ll launch myself at you.
Kitty
A ‘river dance’ sequence begins which should/could include Kitty, Chuckles and Sidney. At the end, Kitty, Chuckles and Sidney dance off as the Irish dancers give an encore. The dwarfs then enter with Snow White.
MUSIC #26 : PART, ‘IF I RULED THE WORLD [SNOW WHITE & CHORUS] She sings the final verse of the song and the Irish dancers move to reveal the Dwarfs Cottage cut out at the back of the stage. SFX: the following is pre recorded.
Dwarfs
(Recording). You’ll be safe with us Snow White, and out of harm’s way. Here in our
magical cottage in the enchanted woods! As the curtain falls, Snow White holds out her hands. The Dwarfs take them and framed by the Irish dancers, they turn towards the cottage. All will be well.
END OF ACT ONE
INTERVAL
15
MUSIC #27 : ENTR’ACTE
ACT TWO Scene One The Dwarf’s Cottage in the Enchanted Forest. Snow White is discovered with the Dwarfs getting ready to do some house work.
Snow White Bizzy Snow White
This cottage is in a terrible mess. That’s because we’re all boys! That’s no excuse, Bizzy. It’s time for some spring cleaning. But I know a way of making chores really fun.
MUSIC #28 : ‘WHISTLE WHILE YOU WORK’ [SNOW WHITE & DWARFS] Snow White
Chuckles Snow White Chuckles Snow White Chuckles Snow White Chuckles Snow White Chuckles Snow White Chuckles Snow White Chuckles Snow White Chuckles Snow White Chuckles Snow White Chuckles Snow White Chuckles Snow White Chuckles Snow White Chuckles
Come along you lot. It’s time to get ready for work. (She kisses Bizzy, who is suddenly shy. The other Dwarfs line up for their kiss and then go to get ready for work. Chuckles has entered and is on his knees behind Tiddler. He ‘shushes’ the audience as he steals a kiss from Snow White). Chuckles! Who’s Chuckle’s chums? (Business).
I’m so pleased to see you. I bet you are. I saved the day! I know. And I still can’t believe my step mother pretended the dwarfs were monsters and told Sidney to harm me. She was a baddie all along! Who’d have believed it! What are we going to do about her? Leave that to my Mum and me. We’ll fix things. You stay here with the Dwarfs until it’s safe to come back home. But I’m worried. There’s someone at the palace I care about a great deal. (Thinking Snow White is talking about him). There is? And I’m worried he’ll be in terrible danger. He’ll be brave enough to handle it. You see I think I might love him. You do? You really do? But my step mother may already have but a terrible spell on him. She hasn’t! It’s odd feeling this way. It’s wonderful! You see I only met him yesterday. (Instantly deflated). So you’re not talking about me? No. Of course not. I mean Prince Rufus. Oh. But I love you, Snow White. I love you too, Chuckles. You’re my best friend. I see. Well I suppose that’s better than nothing. I’ll be on my way. Off to ‘save the day’ again. (He starts to exit sorrowfully, egging the audience on to ‘awwww’ him). Have I upset you? No. I’ll be fine. (He exits to more ‘awwww’s’. Then he dashes back on and gives Snow White a kiss. All is forgiven). And you’re not getting 50p for that one. (He exits).
A bell sounds. Bizzy enters.
Bizzy Snow White
It’s time for us to get to the diamond mine. Don’t answer the door to any strangers whilst we’re away. I promise. 16
Bizzy
Are we ready, Dwarfs?
The Dwarfs enter with their work gear.
Dwarfs Bizzy
We’re ready. It’s off to work we go.
MUSIC #29 : BRIEF REPRISES, WHISTLE WHILE YOU WORK’ SEGUED WITH ‘HEIGH HO’ [DWARFS] The music plays as the Dwarfs leave.
Scene Two The queen’s dastardly dungeon.
MUSIC #30 : EVIL MUSIC Some Ghouls enter, moaning, and set a cauldron as Lilith appears laughing malevolently. She’s clasping the casket. SFX: heart beat. She cackles. This is the wicked Queen at her wickedest yet.
Lilith
Mirror Lilith Mirror Lilith Mirror Lilith
All that remains of Snow White. Her sweet heart, which I’ll soon feed to my pet crows. Now for the moment I’ve been waiting for. (The mirror sweeps on). Mirror, Mirror make your proclamation / Say I’m the loveliest across the nation Great Queen of Fear they foiled what you planned / Snow White lives on as the fairest in the land. Aaaaagh. How!? I have her tiny heart here in my clutches. Sidney was scared by the Dwarfs, off to dig / Instead he brought you the heart of a pig. The idiot! Where is she? Tell me, Mirror, or I’ll break you to smithereens, where is that wretch? Befriended by the Dwarfs who followed a magic call / Safe within their cottage hides the fairest of them all. So not only is Snow White alive but the pesky Dwarfs have shown kindness to a human. Their power will now be stronger. (Beat). Sidney!
The mirror sweeps off as Sidney enters, quaking.
Sidney
Oh, angry one, I appear before you a quivering heap…
Lilith causes a magic flash. Sidney spasms in pain.
Lilith Sidney Lilith Sidney Lilith Sidney Lilith
Sidney
Kitty
You have failed me for the very last time. I’m sorry, I’m sorry… I’ll accept no excuses. I’m unworthy of your venom. It’s true what they say, ladies. If a jobs worth doing… I need to spend a while cogitating. I must select a spell, guaranteed to rid me of my nemesis once and for all. Yes, Grande Dame of Doom and Gloom. Guard the Castle of Goodwill. Make sure no one enters. Curse you, Snow White. Even saying her name makes me sick. Snooooow White… SNOW WHITE! Give me Fifty Shades of Grey any day. (She exits). I won’t let your loathsome ladyship down. I must guard the chambers. Nothing will distract me from my mission. Nothing. The most ravishing woman in Goodwill could enter stage right this very instant and I’d carry on with my task undaunted. (Offstage). Oh, Mr Snarl.
MUSIC #31 : BLOWSY ‘VAMP’ MUSIC Kitty enters dressed like Lady Gaga. She must wear a head dress or wig which must include a phone that can be answered during the next song.
Kitty Sidney
What do you think girls? Chuckles always says I’m a little bit Gaga. Who goes there? 17
Kitty Sidney Kitty Sidney Kitty
Sidney Kitty Sidney Kitty Sidney Kitty Sidney Kitty Sidney Kitty
Men call me diva, women call me devil, the police… call me daily. A strange alluring maiden. I’ve been known to have my moments. I’ve seen it all, done it all. Can’t remember most of it. You are fascinating. I most certainly am. And I’m sorry if I’m a little late but I stopped off at the Corner House for a tipple. I asked for a Double Entendre. So the barman gave me one. Now… Who are you, my tall dark dishy stranger? Sidney Snarl. The Queen’s right hand man. When I was younger I was second to none, well groomed and handsome. Now look at you. You’re second-hand, not too well, and gruesome. Strange lady, when was the last time you made love? 1945. That long ago? It’s only 20.00 now. You devastating damsel. You are one hundred percent woman. I won’t spoil the surprise girls. I may be revolting through and through, but I yearn for romance. I’m in girls… Dickie, Dickie love… You’re dumped. If I had a romance with you, Mr Sidney, it would be very bad indeed.
Dancers enter as Gaga girls.
MUSIC #32 : ‘BAD ROMANCE’ [KITTY, SIDNEY & GAGA GIRLS] In the middle of the number, SFX: a phone rings. The music stops as Kitty answers the phone on her head.
Kitty
You don’t say… You don’t say!… YOU DON’T SAY… You don’t say. (She hangs up. Beat).
Sidney Kitty
Who was it? They didn’t say.
The song now continues. At the end, Kitty chases Sidney off followed by the gaga girls. Other Chorus Members enter as Ghouls. They drag on a chained Prince Rufus.
Rufus
You won’t get away with keeping me prisoner like this. My father will send all the armed forces of [local ‘posh’ area] to Goodwill.
The queen enters with her spell book.
Lilith Rufus Lilith
Diddums wants his daddy to rescue him? When I get my hands on you… Now you know there’s nothing I’d enjoy more than that dear. (Beat). I have bad news. Snow White lives!
The Ghouls float off.
Rufus Lilith Rufus
I told you she’d escape, you old witch. (Opening her spell book). But not for long. Now what spell shall I create to snuff her out? Shall I turn her into a toad, and boil her? Shall I shrink her and feed her to dung beetles. You can tell you’re not Snow White’s real mother. Any apple that fell from your tree would be rotten and maggoty.
Ping! Lilith has a moment of evil inspiration.
Lilith
Apple. Did you say apple? Genius.
Lilith exits cackling. Rufus struggles with his chains.
Rufus
Don’t worry, Snow White. I’ll free myself somehow, I’ll be with you soon. 18
MUSIC #33 : PART, ‘IF I RULED THE WORLD’ [PRINCE RUFUS] Enter Chuckles. He signals for the audience to yell back at him quietly.
Chuckles Rufus Chuckles Rufus Chuckles Rufus Chuckles
Who’s Chuckles’ chums? (Business). So this is what they did to the Olympic Stadium. (He turns to the Prince). Hey… fancy pants. Are you talking to me? (Producing a key, he unfastens the Prince). Do you want to see Snow White again, or not? You’re one of her friends aren’t you! Yes. A friend. Nothing else. Just a friend. The Wicked Queen knows she’s alive. She has an evil plan. Not another one. There’s no time to lose!
They exit as underscoring begins.
MUSIC #34 : EVIL GHOULISH MUSIC Ghouls drift on followed by the Queen.
Lilith
Simplicity itself will seal Snow White’s fate. (She produces a red apple and goes over to her table). What could be more tempting than a juicy red apple. Delicious, but very deadly. (She dips the apple in a vat).
MUSIC #35 : EVIL CHORDS. Lilith
Now it’s tainted by poison. Belladonna and mandrake dust. Toad toes and Strangleberries mixed malevolently with the sting of the Booger Bug. She will put this apple to her lips, and die. And how will she be able to resist it, my dear Prince? (She turns to find that he has vanished). Where is he? Ghouls! Sidney has failed me again. Unleash the fearsome Ghosts from the deepest dungeon. (The ghouls groan). My monstrous army of sinful sprites will deal with him, and the Prince, and anyone else who gets in my way. (SFX: a dreadful sound is heard). Go my pretties. Destroy my enemies while I get down to work… To complete my spell, I’ll turn myself into a crone. Snow White’s kindness will be her downfall. Let darkness descend and my evil incantations begin!
MUSIC #36 : ‘SNUFF OUT THE LIGHT’ [LILITH & GHOULS] As the number ends, Lilith drinks from a cauldron. The Ghouls surround her. A crone double appears triumphant, holding the poison apple aloft.
Scene Three Beyond the town walls. The lighting of this familiar and oft used cloth is now rather creepy.
MUSIC #37 : SCARY CHORDS SFX: the roar of the terrible beastie is heard once again. Walking backwards, Chuckles and Prince Rufus enter from opposite sides, and collide. (Business: Comedy Collision).
Chuckles Rufus Chuckles
Who’s Chuckles’ Chums! You see that boys and girls. I just scared the Prince! Whey hey! No you didn’t. I did.
SFX: a ghostly wail. They both yell.
Rufus Chuckles Rufus Chuckles Rufus
That’s what scared me. And yes, even handsome Princes get scared. That’s what makes us human. I could kick him from here to [local ‘rough’ area], boys and girls. Listen. There’s strange tales spoken in whispers back in [local ‘posh’ area] about the walls of Goodwill being haunted by Ghosties and Ghoulies. Fancy. The last thing I want is to be chased by the Ghosties. Or grabbed by the… 19
SFX: another wail.
Chuckles
I’d blow my magic whistle and ask the Dwarfs for help. But Snow White needs them to protect her!
Kitty enters speaking into a stuffed bird.
Kitty Chuckles Kitty Rufus Kitty Chuckles Kitty
Yes. That’s right. I’ve swept Sidney off his feet… Mum, Mum Shush… and now we’re off to save Snow White again. Dame Kitty… For goodness sake, boys… can’t you see I’m tweeting… … Honestly, I crack myself up sometimes. Where’ve you been. [Insert name of a local garden centre]. And I’m pleased I went because I saw Michael J Fox. I did. I knew it was Michael J Fox because he had his back to the fuschias.
SFX: another wail.
Kitty Rufus Chuckles Kitty
Come on! The gag wasn’t that bad. Nurse Kitty, that was the ghosties. Lilith’s unleashed them our way. There ain’t no such thing as ghosts.
Ad lib business here as a Ghost enters the auditorium and scares the audience, which (hopefully) screams etc.
Chuckles Prince Kitty Audience Cast Prince Kitty Chuckles Kitty
I think the boys and girls are getting a bit over excited. What was that? A Ghost was here? Well why didn’t you tell us? We did. Oh no you didn’t. (Business). Well if it comes back you’ve got to shout out very loudly. Me and my boys are all alone here. And we’re frightened. In fact we’re so frightened we’ll have to sing ourselves a little song.
MUSIC #38 : ‘GHOSTBUSTERS’ [KITTY, CHUCKLES & RUFUS] During the song, the ghost gag with a difference is played out. Instead of one ghost, each time someone gets taken off the ghosts multiply. (dancers, babes… anyone you can throw a sheet over). Finally, Nurse Kitty is left alone on the stage.
Kitty
It’s just you and me now Dickie. Sorry about earlier. As if I’d dump you.
Slowly, more Ghosts enter. During the ‘it’s behind you’ bits, Kitty will turn, and more Ghosts will appear, unseen by her. Eventually when she turns and sees the Ghosts, the stage should be full of them, all different shapes and sizes. Beat. They all scream and run off.
Kitty
Charming! (She exits).
When the stage is empty, Queen Lilith crosses as the crone, cackling, into…
Scene Four The Dwarfs Cottage. Snow White is discovered alone. There is a knock on the door.
Snow White Lilith
Who is it? (Outside the Cottage). Apples! Apples for sale.
Snow White opens the door. There stands Lilith coughing like a smokey old grandmother.
Snow White
A little old lady! 20
Lilith
Snow White
Oh, my dear. It’s market day in [a town nearby] and I was heading there to sell my lovely red apples. Somehow I’ve strayed from the path. I’m lost and exhausted. What am I going to do? Come in and sit for a while.
Lilith enters the cottage and sits.
Lilith
Such kindness, sweet child! How fortunate that it was your door I knocked on. You never know what danger may be lurking when you’re lost in the woods… What terrors you may unwittingly face…
Snow White gives Lilith her water.
Snow White Lilith Snow White Lilith Snow White
I’ve just remembered. I’m not supposed to invite any strangers inside. (Slightly sinister). Are you frightened of me, dear? (Unsure). No. Of course not. Good girl. Because I couldn’t hurt a fly. And now that I’m rested, I’ll be on my way. But first I feel the need to present you with a gift. There’s no need…
Lilith offers Snow White the poisoned apple.
Lilith Snow White Lilith
I insist. My apples are the finest in Goodwill. One bite will quench your thirst for a day. Here my dear. Take it. I don’t know. I’ll feel terrible if you don’t. And you wouldn’t want that. Would you?
During the following, Snow White addresses the audience as Lilith tries to keep them quiet.
Snow White
She’s just a harmless old lady. Shall I take the apple? I’ll hurt her feelings if I don’t. What harm can it do? It’s only an apple. (She takes the apple).
MUSIC #39 : EVIL MAGIC SPELL MUSIC Snow White Lilith
Thank you. Doesn’t it smell delicious?
The apple’s magic is already working. Snow White goes into a trance.
Snow White Lilith Snow White Lilith
Yes. Don’t you want to take a bite right now? Yes. Go on Snow White. Bite into the apple. Bite it. (Snow White does so). And die!!!!!
Snow White grabs her throat and sits down on the stool coughing and spluttering. She slumps on the table. Lilith reveals her true self and grabs her mobile mirror.
Lilith Mirror
Mirror, Mirror tell me this / With Snow White dead do I get my wish? Your evil’s supreme and yes it’s true / The fairest in the land, once again is you.
Chuckles and Prince Rufus enter.
Rufus Lilith
What have you done to her you old witch. You’re too late. I win I win I win! Goodbye, Snow White.
She makes an evil exit as Chuckles and Prince Rufus enter and run to Snow White.
Chuckles
It’s time for my magic whistle. (He blows it. Bizzy and Huffity appear). It’s Snow White.
Bizzy and Huffity scurry over.
Bizzy Rufus Huffity
All is not lost. But she’s so cold. Snow White isn’t dead yet. There’s time to save her. 21
Bizzy
She will only be wakened by true love’s kiss.
Chuckles and Prince Rufus are poised to leap into action. Chuckles stops himself.
Chuckles Bizzy
I guess that’s you Rufus. You’re on. Well done, Chuckles. I said you’d know what to do when the time was right.
Rufus kisses Snow White. She wakes up.
MUSIC #40 : TRIUMPHANT CHORDS. Snow White Rufus Chuckles Rufus
What happened? There was a little old lady. And an apple… You’re safe now. Thanks to the Dwarfs And Prince Rufus. And your best friend, Chuckles!
Rufus and Snow White kiss properly. Sidney enters.
Sidney
Not so fast! My Queen’s wishes must be obeyed. I’ve failed her before but it all ends here. Prepare to meet your doom, the lot of you.
MUSIC #41 : FIGHT MUSIC The music underscores the fight. Sidney draws his sword. Chuckles runs for cover as the two Dwarfs quake. Rufus tries to defend himself with the stool. Sidney defeats him. Snow White attacks him with her broom. They fence for a while until snow white is defeated. Sidney turns on Rufus and is about to deliver a deadly blow when the music changes.
MUSIC #42 : A HEROIC FANFARE A chorus girl tumbles across the stage dressed as a Glee Cheerleader performing back flips and cartwheels etc. Whatever she does, the more energetic the better. She exits at the opposite side of the the stage and in a split second Dame Kitty enters in an identical wig and costume.
Kitty
Look at me, boys and girls. The enchanted woods have sent me in a spin again. Right buster, you’re cards are marked.
Kitty battles Sidney, bashing him with her pom-poms. Kitty defeats Sidney.
Sidney Kitty Sidney Chuckles Audience Kitty Sidney Snow White
Have mercy. Have mercy. I’m a pitiful knave. Do you promise to be good from now on. Yes. I do I do I do. Should we trust him, boys and girls? (Reaction).
Alright. Come to Kitty, Sidney. Now you’ve a choice. A big sloppy kiss off me. Or you can be banished to [unloved town nearby]. I hear [unloved town nearby] is lovely at this time of the year. (He flees). Dame Kitty, you’ve saved the day!
Hugs, cheers and congratulations all round. The other Dwarfs enter, dragging Lilith. They take her to stage centre and encircle her.
Chuckles Lilith Snow White Lilith Kitty Rufus Lilith
Look who the other Dwarfs found trying to escape! Keep away from me. I can’t stand pesky dwarfs. (She sees Snow White). You! You’re still alive! Your evil reign is at an end, Lilith. And to think I loved you. Grow up and get over yourself. Who do you think you are, lady? Sue Sylvester? [or current strong female TV celebrity] The time has come once and for all for you to pay for your wickedness. You’re forgetting one thing. My magic mirror makes me invincible.
Lilith advances. FX: a magical flash. Chuckles sneaks up on her and steals her mobile mirror.
Chuckles
Do you mean this? 22
Lilith
Aaagh. Give it to me you fool.
Chuckles holds the mirror aloft and speaks to it.
Chuckles Mirror
Mirror Mirror, just in case we’ve forgotten / Remind us which queen has a great big fat bottom! The answer’s as plain as the nose on your face / Queen Lilith’s so lardy she’s an utter disgrace.
Lilith snatches back the mirror with a growl.
Lilith Mirror Lilith
How dare you! OK. I was fibbing all along. You make Susan Boyle look like Barbie. ! I only told you what you wanted to hear because you can be a right pain when you get going. (She screams before speaking). Mirror Mirror in my claw / Be destroyed for evermore! (She smashes the mirror. SFX: the magic in the mirror dies. Lilith realises what she’s done - thwarted by her own vanity). Now look what you’ve made me do!
The chorus enter.
Chuckles Kitty Rufus Lilith A Citizen
Here come the good folk of Goodwill. About time. We’ve already done all the hard work. People of Goodwill! Now you see Queen Lilith for who she really is. A wicked witch. My citizens. I can change. I can be merciful. Don’t believe a word she says.
Lilith grabs Tiddler.
Lilith Chuckles Lilith Chuckles
Let me go or the Dwarf gets it. Boys and girls. To defeat the wicked queen once and for all, when I ask you who’s the fairest in the land shout back: ‘Snow White’, again and again and again. You’ll never defeat me. Here we go… Who’s the fairest in the land?
The audience shouts out ‘Snow White’ and Lilith backs off stage into smoke and lights. Kitty follows her off, coming back holding a baby doll in a black shawl.
Snow White Bizzy Kitty Chuckles Rufus Citizens Snow White Rufus Snow White Rufus
What’s happened to her? The evil spell she put on us Dwarfs has been lifted. It’s backfired. It’s turned on her instead. She’s become a little baby. Queen Lilith’s reign of terror is finally at an end. Hurrah!. Let’s get back to Goodwill. We’ve a Royal Wedding to arrange. We have? Will you marry me? Yes.
Chuckles stands between them and makes them hold hands.
Chuckles Company
You two belong together. And I hope you’ll be very happy! Hurrah!
SFX: a loud rasping sound interrupts the cheers.
Kitty Chuckles Kitty Rufus
Talking of back firing. I think Baby Lilith’s just let the new year in again. Come on, Chuckles. Let’s get back to the palace. After all this excitement, I could do with a sherry. Pale? No. I’ll have it in a glass. Snow White you’ve made me the happiest person alive. 23
Chuckles
Now all that remains is for you both to live happily ever after! See you later, chums!
Exit Kitty and Chuckles.
MUSIC #43 : A BOUNCY ‘GLEE’ STYLE SONG [RUFUS, SNOW WHITE & CHORUS]
Scene Five Chuckle’s glee club. Front cloth or tabs. Chuckles enters.
Chuckles
Kitty Chuckles Kitty Chuckles
Who’s Chuckle’s chums? (Business). Have you had a good time? (Reaction). It’s alright for some. The seven Dwarfs have been saved. Snow White’s marrying the Prince. What about me? (Entering). You still have your mummy! Great! You know it’s so busy back there with everyone getting ready for the wedding, I got in a bit of a state. I put both feet in one knicker leg. And I wouldn’t care but it was my knicker leg!
Business: Birthday Requests Business: The Song Sheet and Singing Competition
MUSIC #44: THE SONG SHEET SONG [KITTY & CHUCKLES]
Scene Seven The royal wedding.
MUSIC #45 : FINALE SONG [COMPANY] Walkdown and calls.
Chuckles
Three Cheers for Prince Rufus and Princess Snow White!
The Prince and Snow White enter and take their bows. The company make a final line up. The music stops.
Sidney Lilith Kitty Rufus Chuckles Snow White Company
Time’s marches on, our Pantomime is done… And despite my wicked deeds… … we know you’ve had some fun. Good has triumphed over evil… … wrong’s been beaten back by right. And we hope you’ll always remember… … the story of Snow White.
The music starts again for a short reprise or final verse. Exeunt. Fade to black.
MUSIC #46 : PLAYOUT
THE END
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