updown magazine issue 12 by g r

Issue Twelve

intro This one time, my friend and I awoke in the desert under the blazing Las Vegas sun, just on the outskirts of town. It wasn’t exactly a “Lawrence of Arabia” type scene. The setting was a bit more like Cousin Eddie’s pad in National Lampoon’s “Vegas Vacation.” There were dumpy trailers, tents – even a teepee. How we got there involved a lot of bad decisions. How we got back involved a cube van and an Indian lady with hair growing out of a mole on her face. Everyone’s got stories. For this issue, we went out and found a bunch of good ones. We even almost called this the story issue but we quickly realized that that’s a super lame title plus there are too many photos, quick reads and interviews for it to be pigeonholed. This issue concludes our fifth winter. If you haven’t got enough Updown, don’t sweat it: let updownmagazine.com tide you over until our next issue drops in fall ‘09.

contents 16-20 22-29 30-34 36-43 44-52 54-55 56-61

TJ Schneider: Kinetic Sketches Dice-K: I Heart Canada The Death Set: What’s Rad The Legend of the Partysnake Andrew Hardingham: Rider of the Year Dickie: Hate Mail For The Transient

rider: LNP photo: Mathieu couture

Check updownmagazine.com for your chance to win the westbeach prize pack pictured above. Yeah! That’s one insulated maverick jacket, one all season jacket, one corpo crew and one new kid on the beach t-shirt.

MASTHEAD Publisher/Editor Dan Lennox Design Direction/Editor George Russell Content Manager Kim Tarlo Copy Editor Sam Solomon Staff Writers John Mitchell, Karl Fuhre Contributing Writers Jesse Fulton, Logan Short, Mike Fikowski, Dice-K, Smooth Prickle, Edward Griffen, Sean Johnson, Dickie Pricklestein Contributing Photographers Dean ‘Blotto’ Gray, Dice-K, Tod Seelie, Jeff Patterson, Mathieu Couture, Andrew Hardingham, Brian Hockenstein Contributing Illustrator TJ Schneider Cover Andrew Hardingham by Jeff Patterson Send love/hate to info@updownmagazine.com Editorial Submissions or Advertising Contact 323 Maple St, Collingwood, ON, L9Y 2R3, Canada info@updownmagazine.com, 705-444-7223 That Info Updown Magazine is published two times a winter by Georgian Amp Media Inc. The views expressed are those of the contributors and not necessarily those of Georgian Amp Media Inc. or Updown magazine. Reproduction without permission is prohibited.

TJ SCHNEIDER: kinetic sketches words: John mitchell

Kids naturally look up to their sports heroes. Sometimes that adulation is misplaced – just think of Michael Vick or Sean Avery – but occasionally an athlete deserves every bit of the attention he gets from his fans. Like TJ Schneider. Sure, he’s an accomplished snowboarder, and yeah, he founded the DIY video series Snowboard Realms, but there’s much more to TJ, which makes him something of a renaissance man: he is an amazing artist – totally selftaught – and his art has taken him places that not even his snowboarding could. TJ’s riding is top-notch – the product of the combination of innate talent and years of dedicated practice. But his artistic ability comes from nothing more than idle doodling. That thing we all did in grade 7 social studies class, filling the margins of our notebooks with hyperactive blue-penned sketches of what was on our minds at the time: food if we were hungry, members of the opposite sex if we didn’t still think they sucked. TJ was the same, drawing endless snowboard graphics, sending them in to companies in an attempt to make his dreams come alive. Then, when he got a little older and was selling magazines door to door, he’d sit in parks and draw picture after picture. His art is a natural graduation from those doodles. Whereas doodles are usually a fractional part of our mind’s consciousness, Schneider’s art is like a fully realized mapping of his brain. They more often than not feature a central image, surrounded by tangents in the form of kinetic sketches, splashed paint and the written word. The pieces look like Schneider opened up his brain and splayed it all over the canvas. That is no coincidence. “Whatever moment is happening, whatever is going on around me, whatever song I’m listening to, I’ll just borrow things from everywhere and add it into the piece so it makes it more in the moment.” Schneider says. Thanks to his impulsiveness and unpretentious style (he uses whatever supplies are cheapest and/or whatever is lying around, namely pens and watercolours) he’s managed to get his work into a couple of gallery shows, and at one point he put pieces up randomly all around the streets of Vancouver. The majority of those pieces were stolen. But in a fashion that speaks volumes about his laid back style and personality, TJ just didn’t give a shit. Likewise, when it comes to selling his work he charges according to how much each piece means to him. Often he gives them away for nothing more than material cost. His work isn’t just a simple passion or side project. TJ’s doodles have led to graphic design gigs with a variety of his sponsors. To date he’s designed around 22 snowboards for CAPiTA, a ton of tees for Lifetime and he designed every bit of his signature boot. That’s why Schneider is a great role model, even if he isn’t trying to be one. What kid who loves snowboarding hasn’t killed at least a few hours planning out their future pro model? TJ Schneider made it happen.

“self portrait” by TJ schneider

“goddess” by TJ schneider

“I’m right here” by TJ schneider

“barbie” by TJ schneider

front to back: dice-k, Aki Hiraoka (redbull helmet), Tadashi fuse (peace), Shouta Suzuki (peeking), Taro Koeji (shades) photo: dice-k

dice-k: i heart canada words: george russell & john mitchell

Pro photog Dice-K Maru is the godfather of Japanese snowboarding in Canada. No, he’s not some kind of Yakuza elder or a Luciano – he’s the most generous friend a young émigré shred can have when they arrive from Dice-K’s former home. Dice-K does much more than just give the new arrivals a couch and a glass of milk. He gives them sleds and magazine covers. He gives them careers. Dice-K’s career has taken him to an exalted position in the snow-sports photography world. His work has appeared in countless publications, landing him a staff positon with Transworld Snowboarding, where his epic, artful shots have earned him plenty of respect. Dice-K was kind enough to share a few things that have been on his mind. Dice-K on what’s strange about Canada: People wearing T-shirts and shorts in cold weather. Trimming pubic hair. Fat chicks with their belly hanging out of their T-shirts. Eco-too-friendly. On what’s funny about Canada: Maybe Wreck Beach? Gay parade? World Naked Bike Ride? On smiling too much: I was like, “Why do I always have a headache when I am trying to sleep, especially after seeing friends?” For years and years, I’ve been told that I’m always smiling. One night in the bed, I suddenly realized that my face was still smiling hard. For no reason my face was formed as smiling face. It took me a long time to figure out that by unconsciously smiling so much I was carrying all this tension at my temples, and that was giving me a headache.

rider: tadashi fuse photo: dice-k

front to back: Tadashi fuse (camera), Shouta Suzuki (plaid), Aki Hiraoka (on sled), Koeiji Taro (shades) photo: dice-k

27 On skiing: I am a skier. The reality is that I fucked up my ankle 14 years ago and since then I have not been able to buckle a binding strap on my ankle. Last year, I however discovered NoBoarding and am finally back on a board. On food fights: I recently had a food fight with my friend, snowboard photographer Zizo, from Japan. It was a “who can eat the most KFC” battle. I ate 12 pieces and won. Zizo was puking at seven pieces. On “wow”: The first time I came to Canada, I was totally lost in translation. Even though I studied English for six years at school in Japan, I didn’t speak English at all. It was very difficult for me to understand what the English speakers said. To develop my understanding of spoken English I often asked the same question over and over again to different people at bus stops. People at the bus stops were probably calling me “the weird Japanese boy who always asked what time it was.” Anyway, one morning I got on a pretty packed bus full of UBC students. There were no seats available so I was hanging on to a handrail. Not too long after I got on the bus and positioned myself, the bus driver hit the brakes hard. Everyone standing lost their balance and the girl next to me cracked me in the balls accidentally and I screamed, “Wow!” I didn’t mean to say “Wow!” But it came out from my mouth. Then the girl who hit me in the balls said, “Oh, I’m so sorry. Are you okay?” I unconsciously replied, “You are welcome!” As I remember, the girls around me were laughing pretty hard but I had no idea why. After I got off the bus one of my Japanese friends explained to me what I said. On Team Gaijin: Team Gaijin means Team Foreigner. I started it with John Kami, who has deeply influenced my photography and snowboarding. Anyway, as Team Gaijin we were making a bunch of T-shirts, stickers and even snowboards. We haven’t done anything for a while though. On North American porn: Wives should be more attractive. On Japanese schoolgirls: You have been cheated out just like the other boys. When I talk about porn with Devun [Walsh] and [Chris] Dufficy – these guys are actually the ones who told me that Canadians shave their pubic hair and I should too. Anyway, at some point I probably made fun of North American porn and Devun struck me back by saying that Japanese porn was the weirdest shit because all of the porn stars looked like high school girls. Duff also said that they were young and cute but at the same time he “preferred adults” or something like that. It’s funny because these school girls are actually adult women. Japanese porn stars just look and behave like they are young. On Canadian women: I think that Canadian women are wild animals. Make sure to check Dice’s blog at dicekmaru.blogspot.com

rider: Donn Hore photo: dice-k

rider: Takafumi Konishi photo: dice-k

this page & following spread: band: The death set, photos: rob seelie

the death set: what’s rad words: edward griffen

With their kinetic mix of punk and lo-fi electronica, Baltimore’s The Death Set is the ultimate soundtrack to your boozy blowout. Imagine the perfect house party – they’d be on the bill. Updown talked to singer Johnny Siera about life on tour and his penchant for Vegemite. UD: So what’s rad? Johnny: What’s rad is we’re going back to Australia tomorrow for the first time in like, 18 months. So I am super excited about that. We’re gonna do a little tour and have a bunch of time off to write the next record. Aren’t you hooking up with Santi [White, of Santogold] down there? Yeah, we do two live shows with Santi and a few dates around that. Have you toured with her before? No. We were going to go on tour with her in the States but it just didn’t work out because we were in the middle of another tour. You were touring with Girl Talk. Exactly. We would have had to cut out half that tour and we thought about it, but we literally were on tour for six months straight, and we were like, mentally, it’s just not worth it. But we’re excited about doing this Australian run. It should be rad. Oprah, Barbara Walters, your girlfriend. You gotta fuck one, kill one, and marry one. Go! I would probably marry Oprah because she has that sugar momma style. I don’t even know who Barbara Walters is so I’d kill her, and I’d fuck my girlfriend. Brad Pitt, George Clooney, and Matt Damon? Marry all of them for the sugar papa thing. Fuck all of them because they’re hot. Then kill them all after so no one finds out. Best Fwends, Dan Deacon, and Ninjasonik? Kill Dan Deacon, marry Best Fwends – no. Fuck Best Fwends and marry Ninjasonik for protection. Yeah, fucking Best Fwends for the intimacy.

34 So how did The Death Set end up in Baltimore? Well, we did a tour in Australia with this Brooklyn band, Japanther which was really inspiring. For me I had never really seen any kind of DIY bands first-hand. I mean, there’s an underground scene in Australia, but it’s not a proactive, touring DIY scene. So I got super, super excited about that and we were like, “Fuck it,” and moved [from the Gold Coast] to Sydney, wrote some music and then put a picture of New York up on the wall and were, like, “No doubt we’re gonna go over and kill it.” When we finally moved to Brooklyn things got super fucking hard – we were broke. Fortunately I met Emily Rabbit who kinda saved us and let us stay in her basement [in Baltimore] for a few months until we finally found our feet. And at that time [2006] Baltimore was a really fucking awesome scene. You know, there were a bunch of bands like Dan Deacon, Ponytail and the Videohippos who hadn’t been signed but were putting on these awesome warehouse parties. So it was kinda by default that we ended up in Baltimore. So New York didn’t live up to your romantic ideal? Exactly. I mean, I love New York but it’s obviously hard to move there if you’re a broke musician wanting to do nothing but music. While living in Baltimore, do you miss the Aussie meat pies? No, not really. I am a vegetarian. What about Vegemite? Yeah, I miss Vegemite. I am going to eat the fuck out of some Vegemite when I get home. Do you miss Steve Irwin? I liked him. He was a good dude. But I don’t miss him. But he’s your stereotypical Australian. I wouldn’t say that he’s the stereotype. But in a good ol’ Aussie way he’s pretty much everyone’s uncle. Anyway, “World Wide” is your first official full length on Ninja Tune records. How have people received it? It’s been received really well. I would be stoked. I mean, the band was formed to play in kitchens. So to get to the point of putting out this record and doing international tours, to be quite honest, I am really psyched. You beat the odds. It’s kinda like that saying, “When you 100% commit yourself to something and you believe it in your head, there will be a million unseen hands that come to your aid.” It was ultimately a crazy process but also a really easy one because this is all I really wanted to do. Thats the power of positive thinking. Yeah, definitely. It’s like the Bad Brains style, “P.M.A.” [Positive mental attitude]. It’s crazy to think of coming from this little inspirationless town on the Gold Coast of Australia and doing these international tours. It’s crazy. The more I think about it the more I believe that all that positivity was the key to how it happened. Positivity certainly isn’t bollocks. What exactly are bollocks? Bollocks is a U.K. term that means testicles. Does that mean the Aussie TV show “Neighbours” is bollocks? Yeah, I would definitely say that show is bollocks even though I’ll probably watch the shit out of that show when I go home. What about Callum Jones? Is he bollocks? Who? He’s that little dude on “Neighbours” who’s like a mini Toadie. Wow. I honestly haven’t seen it in two years... Yeah. My aunt’s into it big.

legend of the partysnake words: karl fuhre

The Partysnake is no myth. He’s the real deal and if you’re not careful he will get you. He’s everywhere, watching, patiently waiting for a slip-up, an opportunity to attack. You may not think you know what the Partysnake is, you may think you’re safe from his potent strike, but there’s a good chance you’ve already felt his bite before. Have you ever woken up somewhere you don’t remember falling asleep? Have you ever asked yourself, “What in the hell happened last night?” Have you ever been told crazy stories of embarrassing things you have no recollection of doing? And the clincher: have you ever woken up feeling so bad that you promised yourself that you’d never drink again? If any of this sounds familiar you’ve definitely been bitten by the Partysnake. After all, there has to be a reason why those adult bevies keep getting more slippery the more you have. Why the second drink always feels so good and puts that dumb smirk on your face. Why that round of shots at last call always seems like the right choice. It’s because a little bit of the Partysnake lurks in every drink. The more you consume, the more power he gains, until eventually he overpowers your brain and erases all memory of the horrible things you did the night before the Snake gave you the worst hangover of your life.

this page: rider: sean obrien next page: rider: pat begly photos: Evan Chandler-Soanes

40 Understanding that the Partysnake exists and that he’s always hunting is the first step towards learning how to avoid him. Mere awareness, however, definitely doesn’t mean you’re safe. The Partysnake is a mysterious and complex creature whom only a lucky few will ever figure out. Most never do. Enter “Partysnake: The Movie.” Put together by a crew of up-and-coming shreds, the film showcases their skills on the hills and documents their run-ins with the serpent prick, hopefully educating the masses about his heinous ways. Here are some testimonials from the film makers and subjects: Patrick-Rochon Begley On this particular incident with the Partysnake I wasn’t the only victim. My buddy Travis Monds’ grandma owns a hotel in Whistler, apparently, and he gets free rooms. What we didn’t know is that he’s a kleptomaniac and enjoys going through people’s pockets when they pass out. Long story short, in the words of the beautiful Beyoncé: my wallet is not “irreplaceable” and his nose is now “to the left.” Pretty obvious the Partysnake made me do it. Rupert Davies This one time in Government Camp the Partysnake fed me an overdose of 151 and tequila. He promptly duct-taped me into an Edward Fortyhands (each hand duct taped to a 40 oz) and I guess I smashed them and started swinging bloody glass all up in the Snake’s face. I think I got naked after that and ignorantly cussed out my friends. I woke up in my bent tent covered in blood, with no recollection and some sweet bite marks. Adam Mills Two years back we were in the nice little town of Big White for the Coastal team trip. This was my first year on a team trip and it was a memorable one. One night, as I remember, involved too much grease and I woke up the next morning with no eyebrows and the facial hair from only the left side of my face shaved off. Plus my face and arms were fully blacked-out with Sharpie. Never been back to Big White since. I don’t think I’m ever allowed back. Damn Partysnake. Matt Standish Every time I wake up with my tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth I know I’ve been visited by the Partysnake. We have a love-hate relationship: he loves me and I hate him. It’s a work in progress. Rahim Dina At the Rave Cave (a cave we made out of snow) I received a nasty bite from the Partysnake right in the throat. Bastard must’ve just crept up on me from a tree and dipped its fangs into my face. I was unable to roll barney. Not the purple dinosaur – that shit my niggaz ridin’ on. Watch the movie at updownmagzine.com. If you’re not convinced of the Partysnake’s danger, check out “Confessions of Partysnake Victims,” also at updownmagazine.com for further proof.

rider: sean obrien photo: Evan Chandler-Soanes

rider: matt henegan & partysnake crew photos: Evan Chandler-Soanes

andrew hardingham: rider of the year words: smooth prickle

A day in the life of Hardingham I suddenly awake at 5:05 a.m. because I can’t sleep. I roll down to the kitchen and make myself a pot of that good shit. Once the pot has finished brewing I pour it into my favorite mug, which I bought in Vegas after stumbling out of a strip club, solo, at 9:30 a.m. to find out that I might be a vampire after receiving an eye-smashing blow of sunlight to the retinas. That morning in the city of sin, after 10 minutes reflecting on the curb and finding out that no cabs drove by the club, I dragged my drunken ass to what could only be called “the world’s best souvenir store.” Those were the words on the door, anyway. Inside I found very little of any value to me except a large mug with an interesting design on the side. After paying I exited the store and tripped on a Slurpee cup. I dropped my new favorite mug on the ground and watched as the handle broke into at least 20 pieces. As I climbed to my feet I reached deep into my pockets to see if I had any money left over to buy a new mug. But after pulling out the fourth piece of lint from my pocket I realized this mug was more representative of my 3rd-day-in-Vegas, post-strip-club state of mind and body than any new mug would ever be. Because now the smashed mug and I had something in common: we were both broke. So imagine how my morning coffee feels and tastes now. But now I must get back to my Canadian morning. My feet are cold so I put on my new moccasins. I’m 1% Native American. I find believing this helps my fishing in the summer. Plus I love moccasins. Who doesn’t? This brings to my attention that my legs are also cold. I reach for the drawer that has my winter gear in it. I pull out a pair of old-school long johns. They make me feel much better. I return downstairs and turn on the boob tube. I watch for 10 minutes, slowly sipping on my hot coffee. Next I slip into the shower and wash myself with two parts Olive Body Scrub from The Body Shop and one part Body Butter, which I have no idea about but I like the smell and it’s all the rage in Cosmo. Then it’s go time. I suit up in my regular rags, which is the hardest part of my day. Black or blackish black… I roll the dice. Black it is. I grab my snowboard and head out, but not before I grab my eight-ounce flask with the smooth and ever-so-popular Kahlúa inside. That’s my drink when I’m kicking it fireside in the lodge, boots off and all reclined-like.

portrait: Andrew hardingham Photo: andrew hardingham

46 Hello. Four friends approach, which reminds me it’s time for a CT scan due to the fact those four friends turn into two as they get closer. Maybe next week. We hit the slopes. It’s cold, like -25 degrees. The chairlift is running slow for some reason. It’s cool though, because I just let my feet freeze. They’re always frozen from some pre-adolescent frostbite I got as a result of a bet with some asshole friends. The bet was that I couldn’t ride with nothing on for one top to bottom at Lake Louise. (Keep in mind this was in grade five and I was way smarter back then.) The top of the chair couldn’t come sooner because the man sitting next to me has trapped me in an interminable questionnaire about whether snowboarding really is easier than skiing and what I think of those step-in bindings. I tell him step-ins are for kids and real men eat steak. This confuses the man and that is the moment I realize something groundbreaking: that weather was invented by god to give strangers something to talk about. There is way too much dead time on the chair and I’ve gotta do something before this guy forces me to jump. I mean, he had good intentions but I just wasn’t built for small talk that was relevant 15 years ago. No problem. I place in one ear an ear bud from my MP3 player and debate whether I’ll play an audio book – Douglas Adams’s The Restaurant at the End of the Universe – or a Portuguese language lesson. (I’m on the second season and still can’t say hello. I may have been ripped off on the pirate download site I stole it from.) And that’s when it’s time to unload. As I pick myself up from yet another embarrassing wipeout I reflect on when all this practice will truly make perfect. Fuckin’ liars. Anyhoo, my jazzy crew and I quickly agree on a slope very few enter due to its cliffy nature and the hill’s low snowfall. I glide up to a nice line of cliffs and notice the snow seems to be a bit scarce. This is one of the things you have to accept when you live in the Canadian Rockies. It’s kinda like the ghetto but harder. Literally. I’m cool with it though because today I brought my rock board. Of course, all my boards are rock boards now, ever since the world of half pipe gave way to “train, train, practice, practice – soccer mom: fuck off!” for me. No biggie, though. I’m in a better place now. Or am I, considering the cliff I’m standing on only has a small patch of snow on the landing? But fuck it, because hiking down from this line would be more painful than any rock to the ribs. Later that night as I stare at the roof, lost in insomnia, I realize that tomorrow will be the exact same day and that’s fucking awesome. Andrew, in conversation with himself... Who are you? I am the Satan of snowboarding. I’m the one people point their fingers at and say, “That’s the bad guy.” Or maybe I’m just Andrew Hardingham, the guy that thinks he’s as cool as Satan. Or maybe I’m just the flavor of the month: cinnamon. I’m not sure who I am. What are you wearing? Devil horns. And I’m eating a bowl of kittens with a pitchfork. What kind of question is this? Kelly Ripa is at the front door and Regis Philbin is at the back. Both are naked. What do you do? Tell Regis that for this to happen he needs to start working out because I like my balls rubbed in a threesome and he’s not ready to do that with his old-age inflexibility. I’d walk him to the front door and say,

“THERE'S THE RIGHT WAY, THE WRONG WAY & THE SANCTION WAY”

Sanction Skate & Snow 330 Steeles Ave West Vaughan Ontario L4J 6W9 905-738-8644 Sanction Skate & Snow 160 University Ave West Waterloo Ontario L4J 6E9 519-886-0711

48 “Next year it’s on, if you stay in school and off drugs.” Then I’d go back to Kelly and ask her politely to recite the Tide commercial she so famously stars in. Just as she’s about to freak out due to the cleansing power of Tide, I’d punch her in the face, slip myself the rape drug, attach two electrical cables to my nipples, and call the police before slipping into a brief coma. We’d both wake up with the cops standing over us and I’d tell them, “I think she tried to electrocute a boner out of me after rape-drugging me in order to have my child.” This will ensure my steady income for years to follow, thereby ensuring my steady flow of much hotter babes than Kelly. I would visit her in jail and, on the day of her release, I’d confess to it all. Whom do you envy? I envy that Buddhist monk who set himself on fire to protest the South Vietnamese government’s treatment of Buddhists. That guy has principles beyond Western world beliefs. He inspired me to start writing a book called “100 better ways to die than blank.” It opens with me burning alive, in a blaze of glory on Banff Ave. after spraying myself with lighter fluid. I want my last five breaths to be as painful as possible so that I can remember how awesome life was. It’s going to be a bestseller. (I hope it sells to more than just depressed high school students.) On the flip, who is the cheesiest dude in snowboarding? That question is loaded. It sets up wonderful rivalries for the pages of Us Weekly and a weaker man would take the bait. However, I will say there are tons of cheesy dudes in snowboarding. Unfortunately, things like the Olympics have justified cheesiness and helped it to grow out of control by forcing athletes who were in no way supported by corporations like Roots to wear their clothes with a giant smile on their face. That is the ultimate cheesiness. That and goggle sag. Goggle sag is cheesy as hell. What is Ubiquitous Media? It’s something I created to bring people who watch my films, look at and my photos and read my writing closer to the actual events. I want to write stories that can make open-minded people smile and think. I also never want my stories edited and that’s one of the rules I have. I want my photos to illustrate the rider’s point of view, to bring you as close to the line or the drop as possible. Also, it’s good to know that the rider has chosen the angle when you consider he is the one dropping the line and risking life and limb. Mike Basich inspired me in this department. When it comes to film I want the onlooker to know the same people in the film also made the film. Not some slippery little hot dog who wants to drive a Porsche and knows nothing about the sport. What is “Throw your Panties”? It’s a huge-budget film production I created in hopes of helping my father, who owns a toilet paper factory, make enough money to buy a whole turkey at Christmas time. The goal of the film is to turn people’s brains into shit and I think that will be good business for my dad. (He’s had rough times ever since the green movement got going and everyone started washing their asses in the sink to save on t.p. He almost blew his brains out when that bitch Sheryl Crow told the world to only use one or two squares per wipe.) But things are on the up and up since the release of the film. Toilet paper stock is at an all time high and my dad just dropped a new Christmas paper roll that features Santa and Mrs. Claus on every square. It turns your ass green and red but you feel like Picasso every pull. I think that if the movie keeps selling the way it has been and people keep scarfing junk food the way they do, my family should be eating well by next Christmas. “Throw Your Panties” will turn your brains to shit. Guaranteed.

this page & next page: rider: Andrew hardingham Photo: andrew hardingham

52 Who is the biggest pussy you know? I know so many pussies. But most of my top choices the average reader won’t know, so if I had to choose just one big old pussy they might know I’d say it’s that chick’s on youporn.com that that bald dude puts his head inside. Hers is the biggest for sure. Tell me a bit about your POV techniques. I have none. POV is really expensive because of the amount of gear I need that gets broken. But if you like being broke and working a bit harder than everyone else, there are a few cool things about it. Cutting out the middleman is my favorite. If you could tell people one thing to better themselves, what would it be? I would tell them to not shop at Wal-Mart, and then I’d tell them to write a letter to Starbucks saying you only got 1/3 of a cup of coffee the last three times you went in. This will surely get you 3/3 of a free cup of coffee next time you drop in. Because, fuck Starbucks. Look into fair trade, bitches. I’d tell people to always cut pop cans in half and crush them before returning them to the bottle depot. This will make you twice the deposit cash. I might tell people to always keep some good criminal company with you in case you ever lock your keys in your car. I would tell people who can’t make up their own minds to stop having other people make their minds up for them because that means one person is making two people’s minds up and one asshole isn’t making any minds up and that’s not really fair, is it? I’d tell people who tell me I live in the most beautiful place on earth and I should feel very lucky that they need to stop calling it luck and change their lives to meet their accomplishable dreams rather than their capitalistic ideologies, and to start living the rest of their short lives in love with their lives. I’d tell the haters not to worry and to not be so mad because someone will love you one day. Even if it’s a freaky bearded woman, she loves you and it’s the best you’ll ever do. So run with it and find that magic love button in her private area and forget what your friends will think. Love her/it and she/it will love you back. Lord knows she will live to tickle your inner thighs at the very least. There are so many more things I would tell people if only given the opportunity to. But so few would listen that I think I’ll just leave it at that. Tell me a bit about your platform and candidacy in the Transworld Snowboarding Reader’s Poll Awards. Well, I made three smear vids attacking the other nominees to make myself look amazing in the public eye, in hopes they would vote me in as the new Reader’s Poll Awards winner. It would have been a win for marketing and not for me and that was the point! That’s what that whole TW awards is all about – marketing – so how appropriate, right? What happened was TW posted my vids and within 12 hours took them down because I think I was getting too many votes. I have never liked the idea of having an award like this because there is no way to decide something like who the best rider is. Why would anyone let a magazine tell them what three people they can vote for? It’s crazy. Large magazines are designed to make money on advertising so there’s your rider of the year – the one whose sponsors pay the most for ads, plain and simple. You can’t vote for me anymore. They changed it. I don’t know why. What would you tell a beginner who wants to ride big lines? Breathe oxygen or you’ll die. Eat food or you’ll die. Don’t die. Last words? Well, I guess I’ll just say that I’m making another movie so get ready to have your shit turned into brains.

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“dickie pricklestein” by tj Schneider

Dickie: hate mail words: DICKIE PRICKLESTEIN & sean johnson

Not sure if you checked out my hate article in the last issue where I asked my buds what they hate and why they hate it, then graded their hate according to whatever the fook I felt like. No? Doesn’t ring a bell? Whatever... I present to you “I hate Dickie” by Sean Johnson, my new “Hate Hero”. I don’t even really feel worthy of judging this one but I’m going to anyway: A++. Sean, if that wave of hate you have for me ever passes and you can still get your hands on that lizard blotter, give me a call, ’cause fookin’ I’m in. “I hate Dickie” by Sean Johnson Listen, Dickie: you are a fucking fake. It’s pretty pathetic when snowboarding is so full of pussies that you’ve got to put on a disguise to say what you really want to – also, the fact is that the only people that find you funny are the Wildcats. Don’t get me wrong – I think that JF, Devun and Gaetan have done a lot for Canadian snowboarding. You’ve got what a psychologist would refer to as a false audience. You try to come off like this crazy party guy that really just throws on a wig and some cheesy 80s garb and pretends to be original. You’re probably just some pussy who knows a few shreds but in all reality what have you ever done besides drink a six-pack and dance on your friend’s coffee table in a “safe” party environment. Do you know what the toilet water tastes like in the Whistler drunk tank? Have you ever been in a fight – or even been beat up, for that matter? Don’t try to come across like you’re the real deal when in fact you are the farthest thing from it. Is snowboarding really hurting that bad for some real content? The fact is that there are a lot of great stories in snowboarding but people are actually too lazy to go out and find them. Sure, I threw on a fucking clown wig for a few years and got beat up by hicks in small town America. I’ve been in every drunk tank from New Zealand to Japan. There is nothing worse than waking up in jail and wondering why the hell you are in there. If they serve you breakfast, it isn’t a good thing – it means that your gonna be there for a while. Have you ever been to a design presentation so high on LSD that everyone is turning into lizards? The fact of the matter is that people knew it was either Kearns or myself and we didn’t give a fuck. We did it cause we were truly fucked in the head and not just trying to be. My point is this: Go do some real shit before you start trying to paint yourself as the snowboard party mouth that truly has not done shit. A bit of originality would probably help your case too – Rae Rae already exists and at least that guy can sing. Don’t worry, dude. If I ever read or hear any more of your fake-ass shit then that will be worse than any beating I have ever received. Have fun at your next frat party.

for the transient: from whistler to banff to collingwood to saint-sauveur words: dan lennox, Jesse Fulton, Logan Short, Mike Fikowski

Hey, did you know that if someone tries to fight you in Whistler, they’re more than likely from Surrey or if you puke hot sauce on your car it will eat right through the paint? Basically if you’ve never been or haven’t spent much time in these mountain towns, you probably don’t know much beyond the package deals and the room service. So here are some never-before-told stories and tips to paint a clearer picture, all straight from the mouths of the regions’ bigwigs. whistler Whistler Q&A: Aaron ‘Pnut’ Johnson (Snowboarder) How long have you lived here? I don’t know. I gave up trying to remember. Why did you come here? Because I thought you could make money in the Canadian snowboard industry. But you can’t. Who do you wish would just leave town? E-man Anderson, Beau Bishop and Johnny Caulfield. I hate gingers. They’re too goo. They will conquer the scene, my dawgs. Beware of local… Al the drunk dude. He shakes with the left if he likes you and with the right if he doesn’t. That is the hand he wipes with and he is not a strong believer in toilet paper. Three good hangout spots? Out front of Mogul’s Coffee House, the skatepark, and the Sandbox movie premiere. Because that’s where all the scenesters hang out. (I love high fives.) Slang you should know? ’Hood shit – you know, like gang related. Gang dirt – like ’hood shit. Jim Beamed – when you get worked, like a bad hangover. Chea – I don’t know what it means… to each his own, I guess. The worst local trend? The pivot slide thing that all those tight-pant kids are doing. It’s just weird. Three things people have to do when they come to your region? By “region” do you mean zone? Because when I get to a new zone I like to first and foremost shut it down, light it up, then urinate on it. That’s straight ’hood. The region’s most infamous person? Dennis Bannock. That man’s grounded but he will still jump over you, skate or snow. Best second job to have? Bartender, because that’s what I do and you got to believe in yourself. Dumbest thing you’ve seen a tourist do? I saw these rich guys throwing fifty dollar bills in the pee trough at Maxx Fish. Then watching dudes pick them out. It was on a Saturday night so there was a good turnover rate at the trough/urinal thing. They must have put 500 bucks in there in one minute. It was amazing. Best bar to pick up? Buffalo Bills. That’s where all the cougars hang out, and it’s

“scrap book entry” by dean Blotto gray

58 hunting season. Favourite rider from the region? My favourite riders in this zone are the Gnarcore.com crew, holding it down. Talk shit about a local. I try to stay away from the gossip but that Wiley Tesseo kid is really grindin’ my gears. Whistler Story: Logan Short (Snowboarder) So there was this spot called the Mayhem House, which was always a total shit show. Myself and some buds were partying there one night, an especially wild time, and there was a big-ass bottle of hot sauce on top of the fridge. My buddy Tony decides it’s a good idea to take a swig of it, so I poured a bunch in his mouth. Pretty soon we all started swallowing big mouthfuls of it – massive chugs. No more than five minutes later Jeff Keenan starts shooting off the fire extinguisher at everyone to cool the burn or something. He covered the whole house and got me right in the face. We got booted from the place and started heading to another house party, but on the way my friend Tim and I started puking out of the front windows of the car. We didn’t check the car for a few days but when we did the paint was all coming off from where we puked because we fire-vomited straight hot sauce! banff Banff Q&A: Mike Fikowski (Filmer) How long have you lived here? Six years-ish. Why do you live here? Cause it’s better than working some shitty oilfield job anywhere else. Who is one person you wish would just leave town? Dustin Craven, because he steals everyone’s trim at the bar. Favourite bar? Devil’s Gap: $3.50 pilsner tall cans, crazy metal head staff, free foosball and occasionally Craven doin’ some bartending. Beware of… Josh Bauer, ’cause he always has pinkeye. Three good hangout spots? Rude Boys (rad dudes). Rude Girls (decent babes). Under the bridge, drinking 40s. Best and worst things about living here? Best: industry party nights. Worst: the popped-collar meatheads who come in from the city and walk around the bar flexing. The cops are… Nonexistent, unless there is a movie premiere. Then they’re fucking everywhere for some reason. One person you should probably get to know if you’re there for more than a week? Crazy Helen, ’cause her dad’s a millionaire. Hook up with her and you’re set for life. The region’s most infamous person? Andrew Hardingham, ’cause he puts together unique movie parts and isn’t just hitting the same old average shit like the rest of the industry. Local acts not to miss? A blackedout Mineki Yamada, the Rude Boys owner. Local events not to miss? Rude Boys “Season Ender Bender,” for slopestyle chaos, good riding, and a wicked after-party. Dumbest things you’ve heard a tourist say or do? A mother came up once and said “Have you seen my daughter? Last time I saw her she was with some Dustin Craven kid – do you know him?” Best bar to pick up? Aurora. Stay away from… The “party snow” – that shit ain’t cool. Don’t mess with… Stacey the bouncer. He’ll kill you. Talk shit about a local. That douche bag who hangs out at the post office asking for weed, money and smokes. I just want to get my mail, you grungy prick. Banff Story: Mike Fikowski One time, en route from the bar to the after-party at Hardingham’s, Dustin Craven, Todd Malus, Jonas Guinn, some others, and I were walking up the hill through the trees when we heard a noise in the distance. Jonas, being the mountain man he is, could I.D. any noise in the trees. ‘That there,’ he says,

rider: david melancon Photo: brian Hockenstein

61 ‘is a fucking deer.’ You probably wouldn’t expect a blacked-out drunk man in cowboy boots to run very fast, but holy shit, he chased that deer through the trees. Knowing this was going to have a wicked outcome, we all followed. When we caught up, sure enough, we see Jonas with a deer cornered at a fence. He lunges at it and wrestles it to the ground and then hogties it with his belt. Jonas lay there for a sec, having sustained only minor hoof and antler wounds, then he let it go and we had a good laugh and continued our night of partying. Don’t worry, all you hippies: the deer was fine. Jonas just toughened it up. collingwood Collingwood Story: Jesse Fulton (Snowboarder) When I was a teenager I had this one friend – we’ll call him WMM – who would drink maybe two beers and be completely wasted. One night we were funneling beers. He had a couple, then he got into some LSD, followed by some more beer bongs – and then proceeded to go completely nutso. He ended up getting naked and running through the woods while we whaled potatoes at him. Sure, it was mean, but he was causing a scene. We eventually calmed him down by tattooing his entire body with a permanent marker. As the night was drawing to a close we decided to hit up Tim Horton’s. Of course, the naked dude covered in marker got stuffed into the trunk. After ordering our food at Tim Horton’s we remembered we’d left WMM in the trunk and we let him out. Again he went apeshit, screaming obscenities and running around and eventually smacking right into the window of Tim Horton’s, practically knocking himself out cold. The local yokels were a bit shocked to see this naked guy looking so haggard, covered in marker, completely wasted and tripping on acid. WMM finally managed to order a double-double and retired to the trunk. Eventually, he ended up sleeping face down in the snow. saint-sauveur Saint-Sauveur Q&A: Reno Belisle (Snowboarder) What brought you here? My mom and my dad made love without protection here. Who is one snowboarder you wish would just leave town for a while? Matt Dano, ’cause he’s getting all the pussy around here. Three good hangout spots? Bentley’s bar – good atmosphere, cheap drinks, hot barmaid. The gym – good for your body and to get rid of the hangover. And, of course, The Garage is the best strip club in the world, fo’ real! The cops are…Pretty smooth. Worst local trend? People who have the mohawks with the v-necks and the tight jeans and dance the tektonik in the clubs. 3 things you have to do when you’re here? Get a lapdance at The Garage. Go to the Polar Bear’s Club, an outdoor spa place in Saint-Sauveur, on the weekend. And eat a poutine at La Belle Province. The region’s most infamous person? Benji Ritchie. He’s the Boss of Tremblant. Local events not to miss? The Empire Shakedown. Most affordable bar? The Bulldozer. Favourite rider from the region? Charles Reid. What do you like most about the region’s older women? How they cook breakfast in the morning. Who’s the biggest jerk in the region? P.O., because he hangs out with me all the time. Hey, we’re always on the lookout for more tips on the best and cheapest that these areas have to offer. If you have a story, an idea or a fight to pick then send it our way. Contact us at info@updownmagazine.com.

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