Recovery Illustrated Magazine by Step 12 Magazine

September 2017

Uncover to Discover I Surrender by Lori Nelson

Buried Treasure by Suzanne Whang

The Age of Discovery INSIDE: * Trivia * Humor * Puzzles * Horoscopes * Recovery Resources

by Carol Teitelbaum

The Mystery of Ayahuasca

Interview with: Christopher Finan

by Anonymous

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For more information about graduation rates, the median debt of students who completed the program and other important information, visit www.intercoast.edu. Not all programs are available at all locations. Please call for more information. Financial aid is available to those who qualify. PAGE 2 - PRINT EDITION SEPTEMBER 2017

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Inside This Issue

Contributions

COVER STORY

6 Uncover to Discover by Randy Boyd 12 Surrender to Win by Jami DeLoe

Uncover to Discover

14 Don’t Buy Into Fake News by Dr. Roger P. Watts

by Randy Boyd

16 Fifteen Minutes Can Change Your Life by Darlene Lancer, LMFT

Page 6

20 The Mystery of Ayahuasca by Anonymous 22 The Delicate Dance of Surrender by Dr. Judi Hollis 24 Mr Pink by Wes Geer and Roni Askey-Doran 26 Interviews: Christopher Finan & Judy Crane by Andrew Martin

Surrender to Win by Jami DeLoe Page 12

28 The Elephant in the Rooms by Loretta Breuning 30 To Surrender Or Not To Surrender by Kristin Wilhite 32 Breaking Up With The Supermarket by Roni Askey-Doran 34 Girls Trip ~ Movie Review by Leonard Lee Buschel 36 What is TMS? by Suzanne Jessee M.A. 38 The Age of Discovery by Carol Teitelbaum, LMFT

Discovering Trauma

40 Retro Rockin’ and Boppin’ by Lyn P, Sun City,Ca 44 Buried Treasure by Suzanne Whang

by Scott Kiloby Page 70

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46 Face Your Fears by Dr. Phyllis and Rev. Carrol Davis 50 I Surrender by Lori Nelson

if there was no light, there would be no color

53 Unlocked for Life with Dan Sanfellipo 54 The Third Step and Bhakti Yoga by Kyczy Hawk 56 Q&A: Ask Mauvis by Mauvis Miller 58 Pink Elephants But No Snakes In My Boots by Mark Masserant 62 Strength in Weakness by Jim Anders 64 Dear Petra by Petra Hoffman 66 Discover Small to Live Big by Nora Slattery 68 The Misogynic Response to “NO” by Sheryle Cruse 70 Discovering Trauma by Scott Kiloby 72 Surrender, Who, Me?! by Dr. Judy Redman

Other Stuff 9 9 10 10 18 42 49 52 60 74

Letter from the Publisher Quotes Letter from the Editor Events in September In A Nutshell Puzzles (Solutions Pg 48) Funny Bone Book Look Trivia Horoscopes

Recovery Illustrated: What Recovery From Addiction Looks Like

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Uncover to Discover Randy Boyd CADC-1

hen I walked into the world of recovery just over eleven years ago, my understanding of “sobriety” meant that we just do not drink or use, no matter what. At that point, I didn’t know anything about doing the steps or how my life could change. Yet, I was seeing a lot of people who were not drinking or using, and their lives were still in shambles. I would hear things like—Hey, I’m not drinking or using, what else do you want out of me? Or—My life is worse today than it was when I was drinking, therefore I might as well go ahead and drink. I found this quite confusing, as I also wanted a better life for myself. Then, I got my sponsor and he explained there was a difference between “sobriety” and “recovery.” Let me clarify at this point that there are several definitions of both “sobriety” and “recovery.” Here, I am addressing what I have come to understand the two to mean. He explained that a lot of people are “sober” but not “recovered.” Recovery involves uncovering and discovering. On Pg. 64 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous it says—Our liquor was

but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions. This is the “uncover and discover” portion of recovery. I asked my sponsors and mentors what it was exactly that I was going to discover. Their answer was two things—the underlying root issues which had caused me to start drinking and continue to drink, as well as discovering my authentic self. The self God created me to be. For the first time in my life, someone had allowed me to express my feelings and fears without judgment or being shut down. I was listened to with empathy and understanding. Because my sponsors and mentors did not tell me to “get over it” or to “forgive, forget and move on,” I became willing to do the deep work to discover who I really was. For thirty-eight years, I had lived as a victim of emotional, physical, spiritual and sexual abuse. I would pull out the victim card every chance I had, telling people—If what happened to me happened to you, you’d be drinking and acting this way as well. Simply put, I was drinking because I was a victim. I had a lot of work to do. For thirty-eight years, I let what had happened to me define me. I was full of self-doubt, low-self esteem and low-self worth. Yet, on the outside looking in, I appeared to have it all together. I was successful in business, had a nice home, beautiful wife and children, drove nice cars, and traveled all over the states and world. Yet, inside I was dying. In fact, my friends would look at me and ask me what was wrong with me, why was I so miserable and angry? As my journey in recovery progressed and more of the onion was being peeled back, I realized that I had no idea who I was. In Don Miguel Ruiz’s book, The Four Agreements, he talks about the “domestication of self,” how before we are born our parents have

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decided how our life will turn out for us. What our name will be, what church we will go to, what religion we will follow, what schools we go to, and what career path we will take. For many of us, we had absolutely no say in any of it. I was one of those boys.

the business I had spent twenty years building. What I did not realize was how much my identity was tied to that business. There I was, left torn wide open with the one thing I had that made me feel important taken away from me. Now, who am I? I thought.

As a result, I had an idea who I was in life as a man. My parents immediately blocked every path I started to walk down that did not align with their plan for me. All I could identify with was my abuse. As life went on I started looking around at the people I associated with, most of whom were successful entrepreneurs. I began imitating their lives. I wanted what many of them had, so I did what they did. I worked hard like they did, spent money like they did, drank and did drugs like they didm and had an affair like they did. I even became successful like they did. All I wanted was to fit in and be accepted. But I was losing myself.

Since 2006, more of the onion has been peeled back, and I have discovered a lot about myself, the true authentic Randy. What happened to me is only something I experienced and it does not define me. What I do is just what I do and in no way defines who I am. It was only when I lost all of those “things” that I discovered who I really was. I am a man of God, a loving husband, father, friend, mentor, athlete, teacher, student, and so much more. I recently rode my bicycle across America for the Courageous Healers Foundation to bring awareness, and a message of hope and healing to boys and men who have been In my recovery process, with the help of my sponsors/ sexually abused. On that forty-day and forty-night mentors, I began to see where I had sacrificed my true trip, so much more was revealed to me about who I really am. But that’s a story for another time. self at any cost just to fit in, and my transformation began. I was feeling really good about who I was Randy Boyd is a licensed California Alcohol and Drug becoming as a man. My self-confidence and selfCounselor (CADC-1), the founder of the Courageous esteem/worth was coming back. I was discovering Healers Foundation, a certified Life Coach—Change Your Life Story Now—and an associate of “It Happens who Randy really was. Then in 2006, because of the to Boys.” Learn more at: www.courageoushealers.org economical down turn, I had to close the doors of

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Publisher

Karen VanDenBerg Founder, President karen@recoveryillustrated.com 760-898-8354

Editor

Roni Askey-Doran editor@recoveryillustrated.com

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ISSN Numbers Digital Edition ISSN 2573-1696 Print Edition ISSN 2573-1688

facebook.com/RecoveryIllustrated/ twitter.com/recoveryillust Recovery Illustrated, Inc. 1507 Goldrush Way Oceanside CA 92057 760-898-8354 PAGE 8 - PRINT EDITION SEPTEMBER 2017

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Misty likes to roll over on her back and look at me upside down with the strangest face! She almost looks like she’s trying to be seductive. Olive whisper-meows at me when she wants my attention. Every day, I surrender to my cats. I might try to resist petting them while I stay focused on my task-at-hand. I might even try to ignore them when they “make biscuits” on me when I’m trying to fall asleep at night. But I can’t make it stick. Eventually, without even realizing that’s what I’m doing, I surrender and give in to what they want. Honestly, my Higher Power is more precious than my cats, so why is it so hard to surrender in my recovery? I know people with long term recovery who struggle with this and that makes me feel a little better, but not really. Maybe I should think of scratching the ears and the belly of my Higher Power, imagine Him/Her following me around the apartment and greeting me at the door. Maybe then it will be easier to surrender to whatever He/She wants me to do—and be happy about it. OK… now where’s that white flag. I want it to be ready when I am. I think my HIgher Power is purring at the thought of my surrender. Respectfully and Enthusiastically,

Karen VanDenBerg

What They Say a

I have two cats. They are the weirdest cats I’ve ever had, and I have had a lot of cats throughout my life. They greet me at the door when I come home. They follow me around the apartment (when they’re not sleeping). They head-butt me when I’m trying to work.

bout Surrender

“You cannot fulfil God’s purposes for your life while focusing on your own plans. ” ~ Rick Warren “We are at our most powerful the moment we no longer need to be powerful.” ~ Eric Micha’el Leventhal “At fifteen life had taught me undeniably that surrender, in its place, was as honorable as resistance, especially if one had no choice.” ~ Maya Angelou “It’s healthy to say uncle when your bone’s about to break.” ~ Jonathan Franzen “Surrender is a powerful force.” ~ P.C. Cast

What They Say a

Letter from the Publisher

t Discovery u o b

“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.” ~ Marcel Proust “Some beautiful paths can’t be discovered without getting lost.” ~ Erol Ozan “No great discovery was ever made without a bold guess.” ~ Isaac Newton “There’s something liberating about not pretending. Dare to embarrass yourself. Risk.” ~ Drew Barrymore

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Within these pages, you are bound to discover some wonderous things as well. Fantastic stories and unusual experiences, amazing accounts of people in recovery and the many different ways each of them approaches the problem of addiction and mental illness. They’re eye-opening and thought-provoking, exactly as all our discoveries are meant to be.

Recently, I have rediscovered a source of tireless energy from deep within while passionately fighting for a cause I believe in with all my heart. I’ve known for a long time that I couldn’t single-handedly save the world, but I have discovered that I can be a useful member of a dedicated team working steadfastly to save the part of the world in which I live. I’ve discovered that thinking globally and acting locally works.

During my travels I also discovered, quite unintentionally, that I am strong enough, and stubborn enough (and possibly even stupid enough) to stand up and move forward again and again when faced with adversity or unexpected setbacks on my journey. Over time, I have discovered valuable lessons were waiting to be learned underneath each mistake I made.

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Here’s what’s happening in SEPTEMBER!

forever discovering, Roni Askey-Doran Throughout my life, discovery has mostly been a wonderous experience, and has frequently filled me with childlike delight and surprise. Over the last thirty-six years, I’ve traveled all over the world and have discovered amazing cultures, cuisines, music and people I would never have had the pleasure of encountering had I followed the safe and certain course society laid out for me and stayed at home.

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Surrender to Win

Jami DeLoe

here is a paradox within Alcoholics Anonymous that tells us we must “surrender to win.” When I first entered AA, I thought it seemed kind of crazy that I would have to surrender, or give up, in order to get better. Wasn’t that what I was already doing? I sure felt like I had given up. Everything. That was the place where drinking had brought me— to a place where I had surrendered every good thing in my life to alcoholism. And now I was supposed to believe surrendering again was going to help me get better? Like lots of things in AA, though, surrendering to win started to make sense once I began to practice it. It was when I was working my first step, looking back on all of the things I had said and done while drinking and recognizing the things which showed (rather

obviously) that I was powerless over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable, when I caught my first glimpses of what surrender might look like for me. I finally was able to see that what I was doing wasn’t working and I had to find another way to do things, or I was likely going to die. I had to throw in the towel, or it was going to be thrown in for me. I had to surrender. I had to stop fighting, hiding, and resisting because I knew I could not win or succeed doing it my way. I had to surrender to the fact that I was an alcoholic. I could no longer hang onto the idea that maybe there was something I could do to manage my drinking, or that maybe, if I just quit for a while, that I could go back to being a normal drinker one day. I had to surrender to the fact that I was different from people who could drink responsibly, and that I would never be able to be one of them. I had to surrender to the fact that I couldn’t stay sober alone. I had tried so many times, yet I always failed. Sure, I could make it a day or two without drinking, maybe even three. But anything could and did send me right back to the bottle and I picked up right where I left off. Even when I didn’t want to! That’s the craziness of alcoholism—I didn’t want to drink anymore, but I couldn’t stop. I had to surrender to the idea that I needed help to get sober, and would find that help in God and in other alcoholics.

I had to surrender to the fact that I couldn’t stay sober alone. PAGE 12 - PRINT EDITION SEPTEMBER 2017

I had to surrender to the program. I know there are people who get sober without a Twelve Step program, and I believe each individual should do what works best for them, but AA is what saved my life. So, I had to stop resisting working the steps, and stop resisting taking suggestions, and stop resisting living the principles of AA to change my life. This was big for me because I wanted to think I was different from others in the program—clearly, none of those people had the problems and traumas that I had. Ha! It’s actually WWW.RECOVERYILLUSTRATED.COM

funny to think about now, because every alcoholic I meet thought that way at one time. I had to surrender to the idea that there was hope for me. Before I got into the rooms, I had thought the way my life was (a great big, disastrous mess), was just the way it was going to be until I died. I was stuck. My life was hopeless and I was irredeemable. In order for me to surrender to all of those other things, I had to believe there was hope. For me. For my future. Thank God, I saw hope in the faces of my fellow alcoholics at every meeting I went to. That hope is what encouraged me to grasp hold of my recovery and hang on. When I finally gave in to those things, I was able to really do the work necessary for me to stay sober and live a life in recovery. I realized I wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t giving up. Instead, I was accepting feelings and ideas that I hadnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t before and that were crucial to me getting better. I had to surrender to win my battle with addiction. Though paradoxical, I get it now, and I am grateful for it every day. Jami DeLoe writes the Trauma! A PTSD Blog for HealthyPlace at www.healthyplace.com/blogs/ traumaptsdblog/, blogs personally at www. sobergrace.wordpress.com and can be reached at jamideloe@gmail.com.

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Don’t Buy into Fake News

Dr. Roger P. Watts

any people wonder why it is that active alcoholics and addicts find it so hard to give up the alcohol and drugs they use, and give in the true nature of the disease of addiction. Even when the disease has them in a stranglehold, and is choking the life out of them, many who are actively using alcohol and drugs refuse to surrender to the concept that they cannot control their use. In this state, the human brain has bought into the “fake news” that it needs drugs to survive. The answer to this conundrum lies in understanding how the brain works and how it attempts to hold onto what it believes (wrongly, of course) are the very essential ingredients of staying alive. There’s an old adage in the Twelve Step programs that says, “Bring the body and the mind will follow.”

That is very true because of the nature of the relationship between the brain and the mind, where the mind is the product of the brain’s activity and once the brain changes, the mind usually follows suit. We see that happening, of course, in the addictive process itself. The brain has on average 100 billion cells, and each cell has up to 10,000 connections to other neurons—that’s a gazillion pathways (actually 1+ 15 zeros!) for processing information! Each neuron has a unique function to perform the activities required of the brain, ranging from lifting an arm to solving mathematical equations. When poisons such as alcohol or other drugs are inserted into the brain, these chemicals change the way some of these nerves function, including how they communicate with one another. In the most extreme sense, a person gets “high” as a result of this intoxication, which is actually a side effect of poisons running through the natural chemistry of the brain. Brain chemistry changes when a person is inebriated, and their mind certainly follows; there is a tendency for people to say, do, or believe things they would ordinarily not if they were not incapacitated by alcohol or drugs. In time, the brain comes to believe it needs alcohol and/or drugs to sustain life itself, and the alcoholic or addict refuses to accept the fact that they must give up the ingredients of what the brain says it needs to stay alive. That’s why surrender to the disease of addiction is so difficult—the mere thought of giving up actually signals death to the addicted brain. Yet, a lot of good actually happens when alcohol and drugs are no longer coursing through the brain. In fact, the paradoxical effect the brain comes to learn

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when it is drug-free; surrendering to the fact that it is addicted is the true life-saving force that will keep the person alive. While this is a major stretch for the addict, abstinence helps to create this new way of seeing addiction by creating clear thinking … what the Twelve Step programs calls “a moment of clarity.” When the brain is deprived of addictive poisons, it attempts to return to normal. In early abstinence, even though the brain signals the mind that it wants alcohol and/or drugs, these withdrawal symptoms (such as sweatiness, tremors, nausea, etc.) are seen for what they are—just “fake news” the brain receives that it should return to its addictive state. These signals are defeated once the mind becomes clearer about what it needs to sustain life. As time passes, the brain starts to shift back to what it was like to function before the presence of alcohol or drugs. This re-adjustment period can last for months or, in some cases, years depending on the severity of the damage that was done. This is not necessarily a comfortable process, and people in sobriety will want to appreciate the degree of adjustment the brain must make on its journey back to normalcy.

One salutary aspect of this re-adjustment is that, as the brain changes back, so, too, does the mind. Once again, fueled by the fact that it can function without poison running through it, the brain sends out signals of activity that are interpreted by us as the normal functions of a healthy mind. The person’s willpower is gradually restored and they can dream and have hope for not only recovery, but also for other good things in their lives. They become clearer in thinking, and planning, and executing plans becomes easier. They have more psychological energy, and emotional health improves. The brain and the mind work hand in hand to make us fully functioning human beings and, while active addiction to chemicals erodes that functioning, healthful surrender to the nature of the disease of addiction can be restored with sobriety. Roger P. Watts, Ph.D., is a non-clinically licensed academic and research psychologist, a Licensed Social Worker, a Master of Addictions Counselor, a Licensed Alcohol and Drug Counselor, and a Certified Criminal Justice Specialist. He is currently an Adjunct Assistant Professor of Psychology at Augsburg College.

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15 Minutes Can Change Your Life Darlene Lancer, LMFT

ur thoughts are powerful—for better or worse. Thoughts can set off chain reactions that build self-esteem or undermine it. Authority over our mind is the ultimate power. “Mind is everything. What you think you become,” said Buddha. Thoughts affect not only our mental health, relationships, and the ability to achieve our goals, but also our physical health—our digestion, circulation, respiration, immunity, and nervous system. Next are our actions. Change begins in the mind, but is manifested and amplified by our actions. How we behave can change our thoughts and feelings. They change us. Spend just fifteen minutes doing the following each day, and watch your whole life change:

Mindfulness Mindfulness brings awareness to our thoughts. It’s merely the ability to observe our thinking in a dispassionate, neutral way. Research has shown that mindfulness mediation has numerous benefits, including:  Reduced rumination  Reduced stress  Increased working memory  Increased ability to focus  Increased empathy  Increased self-esteem and selfcompassion  Reduced reactivity  Increased cognitive flexibility  Increased relationship satisfaction  Increased speed of information processing

judgment and the need to control. Mindfulness also brings us into the present moment, in contrast to the focusing on achieving or fixing things or being lost in obsessive thoughts about other people, the past, or future. It increases our ability to question, challenge, replace, or stop our thoughts and actions. In this way, we’re better able to make constructive changes and avoid repeating past mistakes. Mindfulness also changes how we perceive reality, so that events don’t automatically affect us and our self-concept. We develop the ability to experience reality in a non-evaluative manner and less reactive way. Because our self-worth is less dependent on external reality, we’re able to embrace our inner-self rather than relying on others for validation. There is evidence that high levels of mindfulness correlate with higher levels of self-esteem and more secure self-worth. This skill represents a higher level of awareness and consciousness. Like learning any skill, it takes practice. Meditation or another spiritual practice can develop mindfulness. There are many types of meditation. Some involve chanting, walking, qigong, yoga, or breathing exercises, described in more detail in Codependency for Dummies, as well as the many other mental, emotional, and physical benefits of meditation.

Other benefits: mindfulness has been shown to enhance self-insight, morality, intuition and fear modulation, and other health and brain functioning benefits. Shining the light of consciousness on our mental process differs from being caught up in thoughts and the stories we create and react to as if they were true. Observing thoughts tends to dissipate unhelpful, repetitive ones and helps free us from selfPAGE 16 - PRINT EDITION SEPTEMBER 2017

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Encourage Yourself

Make a Plan

According to research, how you speak to yourself can have a huge effect on self-esteem. Self-talk can improve or ruin your mindset, mood, relationships, and job satisfaction and performance. Self-criticism is the biggest obstacle to good self-esteem. To overcome self-criticism, the first step is becoming conscious of your negative self-talk. Mindfulness helps, but so does writing down your negative selftalk. Start replacing the negative with positive, selfaffirming statements. Beware, however, that if you tell yourself things you don’t believe, your efforts can backfire. Your unconscious is very literal and doesn’t distinguish between what you tell yourself and what others say to you.

Not only has research shown that goal-setting increases both motivation and performance, it also enhances positive feelings and our sense of wellbeing, self-efficacy, success, and job satisfaction. Each day, write daily objectives. For me, it works better to do this the night before. If you have a lot on your mind that interferes with falling sleep, making a to-do list can get them off your mind. It’s important not to abandon yourself. When you don’t feel like doing something, like paying bills or exercising, do it anyway. Larger goals require more thought and planning, but research shows the more difficult the goal, the greater the pay-off. This makes sense since the greater achievement would build more selfconfidence and self-esteem. When you have a bigger goal, break it down into small, daily, actionable steps.

“Self-talk can improve or ruin your mindset, mood, relationships, and job satisfaction and performance.” Make a Gratitude List Cultivating “An attitude of gratitude” has numerous health and psychological benefits. Among them, studies show that it will:         

Increased quality sleep Increased time exercising Increased vitality and energy Increased physical and psychological health Increased empathy Increased self-esteem Increase productivity and decision-making ability Increased resiliency in overcoming trauma Reduced depression (by a whopping 35%)

It can be hard to feel grateful when you don’t, especially when you have depression, anxiety, trauma, or physical pain. An easy way to begin is to keep a daily journal, and write 3-10 things you’re grateful for. In doing this daily, your mind will start looking for things each day to add to your list. In this way your outlook on life begins to change. You’ll have even greater benefits if you do this with a friend, sponsor, or your partner and read your list aloud. WWW.RECOVERYILLUSTRATED.COM

Do Esteemable Acts Actions count for a lot. Doing things in line with your values that raises your self-esteem and elevates your mood. Conversely, doing things that make you feel ashamed or guilty undermine self-worth. Aside from living in accordance with our values, such as not lying or stealing, making an effort to do things that build self-esteem pays off. Plan to do one each day. Examples are:  Writing a thank you note  Sending birthday cards  Calling a sick friend  Cleaning out a closet  Staying on top of filing, bill-paying, etc. (not procrastinating)  Volunteering to help someone or a group  Setting a boundary  Speaking up about your wants and needs  Showing appreciation to others  Apologizing when you’re wrong  Making a special meal  Self-care, including keeping medical appointments All this may sound like too much and feel too timeconsuming, but mediating a mere ten minutes a day develops a healthy habit. It can take less than five minutes to write goals for the day, a grateful list, and negative and positive self-talk. At the end of the day, you can write three things you did well, and feel grateful and proud. Go to sleep with a smile, knowing that you improved yourself and your life. Darlene Lancer is a licensed psychotherapist, author, and expert on relationships and codependency. Contact Darlene at info@darlenelancer.com. Find her full blogs at www.whatiscodependency.com and get your free copy of 14 Tips for Letting Go. Follow her on Twitter @darlenelancer, Facebook, and listen at Soundcloud, Clyp, and Youtube. PRINT EDITION SEPTEMBER 2017 - PAGE 17

“Why not you?” God said.

Recovery Goes Both Ways

am a recovering alcoholic. I have also wrestled with depression for most of my life. Today, thanks to lots of good psychotherapy and a state-of-theart (or science) medication, I am also recovering from depression. The irony is not lost on me: if I put alcohol or other mood-altering chemicals into my body, my life will quickly spiral out of control; and if I do not put a certain anti-depressant chemical into my body, my life will quickly spiral out of control. Like many others I have known, I have experienced the anger at the “horrible injustice” of having both alcoholism and depression. Why me? Why can other people have a drink at the end of the day and I can’t? And why do I have to remember to take this damn little pill twice a day, while I watch others move through their lives with an apparent consistent flow of energy, in relatively good moods? And so, I ask God, “Why me?” I can never be completely sure which of the myriad voices inside my crowded head is speaking but, if I am not mistaken, God has answered.

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What’s interesting about this thing I call “my recovery” is that I no longer object to having alcoholism or depression. I did my share of complaining, throughout college and graduate school, about work I did not want to do, but there was never a time when I did not understand that school was a means to an end. In the bigger picture of my life, I see alcoholism and depression in that same light. And I have become grateful for the path I have traveled. School is not always easy—especially the really good schools—but the lessons I have learned are, without question, worth the difficulties I have encountered along the way. That doesn’t mean I don’t have regrets, that if I had it to do over again, I wouldn’t change a thing. But it does mean I understand that facing and dealing with those regrets has been, and will continue to be, a significant part of my education. One of the most helpful concepts about recovery happens to be one of the most simple: when I stop fighting for my right to deny the obvious (that I have alcoholism and depression), I am free to begin the exploration of who I really am, and who I really want to be. I think of it as using the word “recovery” in two different directions: I must do whatever it takes to “recover from” what is destructive or toxic to me, so I can recover As an addict, I must learn (meaning to quit while I’m behind. “regain”) the Only then can I get ahead. genuine me.

In a Nutshell

It’s my life’s work.

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The Mystery of

Ayahuasca Anonymous

ver twenty years ago, I discovered the rooms. After a particularly raucous night out on the town, I woke up under a bush in the main street, my skirt wrapped around my neck, and my underwear and shoes missing. Sitting up and trying to work out exactly where I was, I figured I had probably hit bottom. For too long, I had been floating through my life, never even touching the surface. That morning, I decided I never wanted to wake up like that again. I was done, and I knew it all the way to the bottom of my heart. I went home and showered. A friend called to see if I’d made it home alright. I told her what happened. She was a friend of Bill. Instead of stopping at my apartment for coffee, she took me to my first meeting. Stumbling through that door, I was broken and in tears.

While I pulled the pieces of myself back together, I continued with my life, was promoted at the office, bought a house, adopted three adorable rescue dogs, took up a new hobby, traveled abroad, met a new man, and I stayed clean.

“I can’t do this by myself,” I sobbed. “You don’t have to,” someone said. “I’m so ashamed,” I cried. “You never have to use again,” someone said.

A life filled with horrific child-abuse, rape and domestic violence left me suffering depression, anxiety and PTSD. When I was using, the pain went away. Now that I was clean, triggers were everywhere. Therapy didn’t help. Medication didn’t help. I did tai chi, chi gong, yoga, juggling, jogging, prayer, meditation, volunteering, tree-planting, and everything else you can possibly think of that is supposed to put your mind right. None of it stuck. I realized I needed something more.

I will be grateful to that person for the rest of my life. Turns out, she was right. Ready, willing and able, I immersed myself in the program. I read the Big Book cover to cover, and sought out more literature. I went to thirty meetings in thirty days. I got a kick-ass sponsor. I worked the steps. I welcomed newcomers, empathizing when they cried. I listened to the oldtimers, really listened. And I also stayed clean. PAGE 20 - PRINT EDITION SEPTEMBER 2017

Yet, I still felt something integral was missing. It was a nagging feeling that followed me everywhere. From the outside, my life looked perfect. I was clean. I had everything going for me. I was in a great relationship. Daily, following the advice from my sponsor, I took an honest look at myself and my behavior. The program laid the foundation for my wonderful life, and I’m grateful. I also felt there was something more out there, something more I could do to help myself. Despite my best efforts, my head still wasn’t right.

Surfing the internet, I came across a story about ayahuasca. A man with big issues, a wounded heart that wouldn’t heal, addictions through the roof, and a WWW.RECOVERYILLUSTRATED.COM

brand new life afterwards, filled with inner peace and self love. That sounded interesting. My sponsor was sceptical. I read more. I pored over several accounts of people who swore by it. The more I read, the more fascinating the concept of treating addiction with ayahuasca became. “What have I got to lose?” I asked. “Only everything,” said my unbelieving mother. “Isn’t that the same as relapsing?” mused my sister. “If you want something you’ve never had, do something you’ve never done,” chanted someone at my Friday night meeting. I had to consider my own well-being. My addiction had covered up the past, but sobriety had so far not helped me heal it. I was only just getting by. That summer, I traveled to Ecuador with a friend. We found ourselves on a remote ranch, located deep in the rainforest outide the central city of Santo Domingo de los Tsáchilas.

“The repulsive taste of ayahuasca is so bad, it’s doubtful anyone would ever become addicted to it.” According the modern form of twelve-step programs, ayahuasca counted as a relapse. However, Bill W took LSD to help him recover from his addiction to alcohol, and found it helpful. Relapse frightened me, but the thought of living the rest of my life with the relentless demons inside my head terrified me even more. Ayahuasca is well known in Latin America as an ancient and powerful plant medicine. It comes with millennia-old shamanic traditions which brought it into being and keep it alive today. It’s an integral element of the primordial rainforest in which it grows. To suggest taking ayahuasca in a traditional ceremony is equal to recreational drug use is ridiculous. We met “Jorge” who was a sixth generation Shaman in the Tsáchila tribe. His hair was bright red, shaped into a disc on top of his head, and painted with achiote. His face bore tattoes, horizontal lines across his face, from ear to ear. “You will have to prepare yourself,” he instructed. WWW.RECOVERYILLUSTRATED.COM

Weeks before the ceremony began, we started a special vegan diet, this meant no salt, no sugar, no spicy food, no dairy, no oils, no caffeine, no chocolate, no nuts, no meat, and definitely no alcohol, or recreational or prescription drugs. We meditated mornings and evenings to prepare our spiritual selves, and did yoga to prepare our minds and bodies. The plan was to drink the prepared ayahuasca brew seven times in twelve days under the watchful eye of the Shaman. At first, it was a terrifying prospect. I almost backed out. Something deep inside my soul told me not to be afraid, that this was exactly what I needed to do. To explain what took place during those twelve days would take volumes. It’s almost inexplicable. It was so unbelievably huge. “You will begin to feel mareado (seasick),” warned Shaman Jorge as we tentatively put the carved wooden cups to our lips for the first time. The repulsive taste of ayahuasca is so bad, it’s doubtful anyone would ever become addicted to it. As soon as it hit my stomach, I began retching. Projectile vomiting wasn’t in the vacation brochure. The journey into ayahuasca was actually quite disorienting. The entire time, I felt like I’d been poisoned, nauseous and light-headed, and yet this bizarre and vile tasting green concoction actually leaves your liver spotlessly clean. Emotionally, I went to hell on a speeding rollercoaster without a seatbelt. Every demon I have ever imprisoned in the back of my mind materialized, spewing venom into my face. I cried buckets, rivers, an ocean. I barely slept for two weeks. It was the most cathartic experience I’ve ever had. Decades of therapy did not achieve anything like the ayahuasca purge of my mind, soul and body. I emerged feeling like a new person. My inner rage has completely gone, evaporated into thin air. The demons in my head have moved out, replaced by inner peace. The automatic negative response I usually have for myself has been vaporised. The painful emptiness of my heart has been stilled. It feels light, unburdened by the past. I got high to escape my demons. Ayahuasca helped me confront and exorcise them. Shaman Jorge advised us that the ceremony was only the beginning part of our healing. The real work got underway back at home when I began to integrate the amazing experience into the rest of my life. The effect has been profound. I have no regrets, and zero cravings. I would do it again in a heartbeat. PRINT EDITION SEPTEMBER 2017 - PAGE 21

The Delicate Dance Of

Surrender W

hen struggling with a difficult situation, don’t you just love it when some wellmeaning friend advises, “Well, just turn it over. SURRENDER!”

Yikes! That makes me crazy! If I could surrender and turn it over, I wouldn’t be seeking advice in the first place. It’s not as easy as it sounds. Those who do it easily are blessed. I must admit, when I hear them, I am slightly jealous. For most of us, surrender is a dance requiring extreme balance and flexibility. It is fraught with paradox and many unanswerable questions. How much do you let go and when? Can you turn over the

Dr. Judi Hollis

whole pie or just a slice? Which slice? What is my part and what do I leave to others? Those of us in recovery have been blessed with developing a lifestyle that requires us to explore those questions on a continuing basis. In a way, the practice of surrender and letting go is preparing us for growing into later life and ultimately death. We learn how and when to hold on, and how to let go. We surrender the results, but not our participation and involvement. The universe is not our butler. We don’t just create messes and wait for it to all clear up magically. And, no matter how much we might protest and explain, “I’ve turned it over,” usually the responsibility for outcomes still rests with us. So, it’s a bit of a trap, with no easy unlocking of keys on how to get things done. For those of us with food obsessions, we learn in early recovery to “turn over our food.” This is usually accomplished by consultation with a sponsor who witnesses commitments and intentions for one single day at a time. We also surrender weighing ourselves. Continually jumping on and off the scale usually leads to our wanting to see immediate results and get a favored reward of weight loss or pat on the back. Instead we surrender to new behaviors around food and await results from the universe. These results rarely show up on our time table. The universe is usually late on delivery. We are blessed to have sponsors from whom we can seek guidance about surrender. Even if everything in us says, “I’ve got to take care of this RIGHT NOW,” a sponsor can often advise the Big Book’s quote about “restraint of tongue and pen.” Often time and space and breathing room will offer up the answers about what is your job and what you leave alone. A nice rule of thumb is to ask: 1. Does this need to be done? 2. Does it need to be done right now? 3. Does it need to be done by ME? Judi Hollis has been a licensed family therapist for more than 30 years. She opened the nation’s first eating disorders unit and has authored best sellers such as From Bagels to Buddha, Fat is a Family Affair, Fat & Furious, and Hot & Heavy. For more about Judi and to connect see: www.judihollis.com

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Mr Pink

Wes Geer & Roni Askey-Doran

based on an interview with Wes Geer

r Pink came in, and this is in the early Rock to Recovery days when I still didn’t really know how this music workshop idea was going to go. But he came in and he was having heroin withdrawals, opiate withdrawals. That’s like a living Hell. It’s like having the worst flu ever, but you can’t sleep, eat, can’t control your bowels. It’s pretty bad. He came in to the session a little bit late, and we were working on writing a song, and he’s like, “Why the fuck am I here?” He’s mad. He didn’t understand how this could help him and he said, “I’m dope sick. I don’t feel good. I’m probably going to die if I keep doing drugs but I just want to do more, anyhow.” He was pissed. And I told him, “I get it. I get it, but that’s what this group is here for. Maybe just keep an open mind.” I handed him a little shaker. It was pink, and almost looked like a baby rattle. I said to him, “Just keep an open mind, and what I want you to do is just shake this. Then, I’m going to show you where the groove is and we’re going to write this song together.”

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As we were writing the song, he started getting in tune with it. We were having starts and stops, adding verses and choruses. You know, so he was like, “Wait, wait, wait, how many times does this chorus go? And then I should stop for how many beats and come back in?” He was really getting into it. And by the time we got done with the song—which was a pretty cool song—he was ecstatic. He went from dark and depressed, with suicidal ideation, and was dope sick with cravings to use, to “I feel great now. I don’t feel like using, I feel like I have hope.” He was jumping up and down and smiling. I was like, “Wow, all from just playing the shaker.” As a guitar player, I need the guitar to make me feel good—something at a certain level—but something as simple as a shaker still gives the effect. It was an impressive transformation. I’ve seen it multiple times, girls come in crying, tears streaming down their faces and you say, “That’s what this group is for.” By the end, they leave laughing. It’s pretty incredible.

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Interviews with ...

by Andrew Martin, MBA, LAADC

Christopher Finan The director of American Booksellers for Free Expression, Christopher is involved in the fight against censorship. He’s also the chair of the Media Coalition and he’s an author. His most recent book, the one we’ll be focusing on is Drunks: An American History.

LINK: https://recoveryillustrated.com/wordpress/ article/interview-christopher-finan/

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Judy Crane

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LMHC, CAP, ICADC

The co-founder of The Guest House in Ocala, Florida, Judy Crane is also the founder of The Refuge, a healing place, President of Spirit to Spirit, and the author of a new book called The Trauma Heart: Stories of Survival, Hope, and Healing LINK: https://recoveryillustrated.com/wordpress/ article/interview-judy-crane-guest-house-refuge/ PAGE 26 - PRINT EDITION SEPTEMBER 2017

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SAN DIEGO

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MALIBU

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eroes in Recovery has a simple mission: to eliminate the social stigma that keeps addicted individuals from seeking help, to share stories of recovery for the purpose of encouragement and inspiration, and to create an engaged sober community that empowers people to get involved, give back and live healthy, active lives. Join the movement to support those in recovery from addiction and mental health conditions. To register, for more information and to see the full list of 2017 race locations, visit Heroes6K.com

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The Elephant in The Rooms Dr. Loretta Breuning

know an elephant with huge cravings. Maybe his story will help you to discover power over cravings. It starts at the elephant’s sixteenth birthday party.

Sixteen is a huge milestone in a male elephant’s life because that’s when they start their period. (No kidding! Elephants are one of the rare species with a male hormonal cycle, known as “musth.”) Wellmeaning zookeepers threw a party and gave the elephant a whole sheet cake all to himself.

The natural diet stimulates dopamine too, but not in giant surges. Dopamine drips slowly with each step an elephant takes toward filling its belly. The chemical evolved to promote survival, not to make you feel good all the time for no reason. It works by rewarding you with a good feeling when you step toward meeting your needs.

In just a few seconds, the elephant sucked in the entire cake. Happy guests applauded and went on to their own cake without realizing what had just happened. The elephant’s brain had released a huge dopamine surge in response to the cake. Dopamine is the brain’s reward signal, and a huge reward builds a large pathway that anticipates future rewards. You might think a sheet cake is not huge for an elephant, but compared to its natural diet, it’s colossal.

An elephant’s brain constantly scans its environment for something good to eat. It looks trees that are big enough to enjoy but small enough to tear down. It wants something nearby, but not too close to another elephant. When it sees something just right, dopamine is released. That feels great and also releases energy, which motivates the elephant to step toward the expected reward. Each step closer stimulates more dopamine. When the elephant finally wraps its trunk around the tree and succeeds at loosening it, its dopamine levels peak because the reward is at hand.

Wild elephants live on tree branches. They forage sixteen hours a day to gain enough nutrition from this meager source. An elephant’s intestines aren’t very efficient, so half of what they eat comes out the other end. The calories in a sheet cake would take a week of foraging, chewing, and pooping to obtain naturally.

Our ancestors did not have refrigerators. They had to constantly forage for food to survive. If they waited until they were starving to look for food, they would not have enough energy. Dopamine motivates you to look for sustenance before you need it by making you feel good.

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In order to stimulate a need, you have to meet it. For example, the thought of water triggers dopamine if an elephant is thirsty, but once its thirst is quenched, water is no longer a trigger. Sometimes an elephant has to walk twenty miles to find water. It perseveres through grueling conditions because every step closer to a watering hole stimulates more dopamine. The watering hole may be dried up when the elephant gets there, alas, and survival depends on carefully choosing the next step. That’s where Dopamine helps. It gives you a good feeling about anything that triggered it before. Sights and smells similar to past successful treks turn it on because neurons connect when dopamine flows. The joy of finally finding water in a drought wires an elephant’s brain to respond to anything resembling that experience in the future. Now, imagine you visit elephants in the wild, and you decide to share the cookies in your backpack. You may have good intentions, but the unnatural calorie surge triggers a large dopamine surge. This paves a neural pathway that tells the elephant, “WOW! This is what I need!” You have now wired the elephant to look for cookies. It starts scanning for anything linked to the sights and smells of that moment. If you drove up in a yellow bus, it will scan for that. The elephant won’t scan for tree branches anymore, because the expected reward is pretty low compared to cookies. Opportunities for a small but steady trickle of dopamine seem like a waste of time when you expect to hit the dopamine jackpot. Now what? If you stop providing cookies, the elephant will become hungry and do whatever it needs to do in order to meet its needs. If you kept supplying the artificial stimulant, the elephant would keep seeking artificial surges. You would destroy the elephant, even though you would never do that intentionally. You can enjoy dopamine the natural way. You get steady drips of good feelings as you take steps toward meeting real needs. Your brain was not designed to surge with dopamine all the time. It’s built to feel good when you do what’s good for you. You can always enjoy more dopamine by taking the next step to meet your needs, and the next. In this way, you can make dopamine your friend instead of your enemy. Dr. Loretta Breuning is the Founder of the Inner Mammal Institute and author of Habits of a Happy Brain: Retrain your brain to boost your serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin and endorphin. She’s Professor Emerita of Management at California State University, East Bay. She learned about the brain chemistry we shared with earlier mammals, and began creating resources to help people manage their inner mammal. WWW.RECOVERYILLUSTRATED.COM

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To Surrender Or Not To Surrender, That Is The Wisdom Kristin Wilhite

ave you ever racked your brain to remember something then, as soon as you let it go, it popped into your head? That’s the magic of surrender. You are not alone if you’ve had a difficult time letting go and surrendering. I, for instance, have learned the hard way how to be still and rest. Any one who has suffered an injury, surgery, or long term illness knows the hardest hurdle to get over is “surrendering to the self-restoration requirements.” You may need to allow others to help, you may need to learn how to ask for help. You may need more rest than you have ever known yourself to need. And sadly, you may not be able to do the things you are used to including social activities and exercise. You may even need help making food, doing laundry and getting to the restroom. No one wants to be in these situations, but if you find yourself there, you must surrender, otherwise you will probably suffer more than necessary. As you can see, surrendering can bring you health. In other circumstances, it is best not to surrender. For

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example: when a person is being self-destructive, you need to set healthy boundaries. You may need to ‘surrender to the idea’ that this person won’t change their behavior no matter how much you love them, then you need to take action to take care of yourself. My clients often hear me say, “Make a plan and let it go” in regard to goal setting and mindset. I have achieved great benefit from this concept, which I originally learned from yoga philosophy, “The lesson of detachment.” Some people confuse this with “not caring.” Instead, look at it as “detaching from the outcome.” We need to have a structured plan in mind of HOW we want things to go. Simultaneously, it is also important that we surrender to how life is meant to be. In healthy situations, the more we surrender, the less we suffer. Kristin Wilhite-Smith, HHP has professionally served San Diego, CA with healing arts and holistic health care modalities since 1995. She is an expert in Holistic Integration teaching group classes, individual coaching session online and in-person. Connect with Kristin via www.SustainableHolistic.com

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Breaking Up With The Supermarket Roni Askey-Doran

very trip to the supermarket is like a visit to the House of Horrors. The moment I step through that automatic door, lit up like a Broadway stage by dozens of bright fluorescent lights, the demon in my head screams “CHOCOLATE!” It makes no difference whether I have only gone to buy laundry powder of one of those thingamijiggies that fits over the end of the doobilacky, that evil harridan is inside my mind having a super-size tantrum, beating her fists against the fragile walls of my broken mind and making demands that are harder to resist with each breathless step into the cavernous den of temptation. “CHOCOLATE!” she shrieks, getting her friends to echo the call, howling in my skull. I head into the dogfood aisle to get away. It’s like taking an alcoholic to the liquor store: heart racing, short breaths, clenched teeth, balled fists, sweaty brow, limbs quivering. And then, transported by some mysterious magnetic force that I do not understand, I somehow find myself staring at an entire wall filled from floor to ceiling with caramel drops and cherry coconut bars, dark rum and raisin chocolate bars, and packets of gooey rocky road. I don’t remember how I arrived here. The dog-food aisle is at the other end of the supermarket. Multi-colored bars and blocks of chocolate beckon me to try them; a whole planet of mouth-watering flavors seductively calls out my name. The rich aroma of chocolate engulfs me. My brain begins an automatic shut-down. All around me, chocolate calls and beckons, blowing kisses and wiggling like sexy pole-dancers with suggestive flicks of their shiny wrappers. I’m frozen to the spot, unable to fight or flee. I won’t say yes, but I can’t say no. It’s not the monsters under the bed I am most afraid of, it’s the monsters in my head.

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“She has a mental illness,” people will whisper conspiratorially as I pass. Actually, I have three mental illnesses, and I’m not too concerned about who finds out, but that is neither here nor there. Right now, I’m in hell. I’m fighting for my life, trying to stop them from dragging me into the abyss with depression-inducing chocolate. Or am I? Is chocolate the real problem? When I can eat an entire 200g block in under half an hour, it could be. But how is this so? What is it about chocolate that causes it to be so devastatingly addictive? Sugar. That ugly albino beast rears its ugly head and roars: “You NEED me!” Still on the verge of panic, I back out of the aisle cautiously, as if backing away from a pack of wild howling dogs. The sugar-addicted demons in my head go berserk, pounding at my mind to go back and pick up a handful of shimmering packets. Soft truffle centers catch my eye. I spin on my heel and run. Out of breath, I find myself in the health-food aisle. I stop right in front of a paper bag stating that its contents include 100% organic cacao beans. No sugar. There is a picture on the front of a fresh yellow cacao pod, split in two to reveal the beans inside. I grab it and race to the check out. WWW.RECOVERYILLUSTRATED.COM

The following day, there is a Farmer’s Market nearby. It’s love at first sight. The beginning of a new, healthy relationship. Let’s see how this goes. So far, it feels pretty good! Roni Askey-Doran is the editor of Recovery Illustrated Magazine, a mental health and sexual abuse advocate, an environmentalist, and the author of I’m Bipolar And I Know It and Broken. www.booksbyroniaskeydoran.wordpress.com

Right. Transported post-haste to the psych-ward in a straight-jacket by men in white coats. Then, an evaluation, where my dirty little secret will become public knowledge.

.c es

“Wiggling like sexy pole-dancers with suggestive flicks of their shiny wrappers.”

Just like that boyfriend who beat me up all those years ago, I swore I would never see the supermarket again. It’s too harrowing. All that shimmering and glimmering in your face, pretending to be your bestest friend and then dragging you down into a festering wound of bleak negativity and selfannihilation. And after all that, they tell you it’s your own stupid fault. It’s time to break up with the supermarket. It’s not that difficult actually, when I consider the number of times I’ve walked out of there feeling as if I’ve survived yet another emotional massacre. It’s much the same as when you know the relationship ended a while back, and now you finally have the fortitude to walk away.

For Men

“Well, officer, I was trying to escape the demons. They wanted me to buy chocolate.”

Once in the car, I collapse into a heap, tears coursing down my face. I feel as if I’ve just had one of those terrible heart-wrenching passive-aggressive fights that occur frequently within an unhealthy relationship. I arrive home exhausted from the trip. As I unpack eco-friendly laundry liquid, rock salt and a pack of life-saving raw cacao beans, I resolve to end it. Munching on the cacao beans, I feel stronger and more determined to succeed. I’m also getting the chocolate hit my body craved, without the paralyzing guilt and self-loathing attached. Cool beans!

www.SavingG

“CHOCOLATE!” screeches the wild pack, a cacophony of shrill voices, all beating down my resolve. Drowning inside the murky pit of depression, my defenses are weak and I struggle to fight them off. Chocolate-coated peanuts dance a Can-Can in front of my eyes. I’m tempted to throw myself on the floor, face buried in my arms and cry, “No! No! No! No! No! No!” but supermarket’s security would probably have me arrested. How would I explain that to the police?

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with Leonard Lee Buschel

GIRLS TRIP

Sure Fire Hit—as in fit for the fire and someone should hit the screenwriter for crafting a blatantly offensive, disgusting, absurd and demeaning portrayal of successful, college educated women of color who manifest all the class, wit and wisdom of the Trailer Boys in a pie-eating contest with the crew from Jackass. The cast is excellent, and the film is technically impressive, but each and every black female character is an idiot—but not idiots such as the boys in Dumb and Dumber. We are not supposed to take those boys seriously, but in this mash-up of crude sex humor, urine humor, ( yes, women urinate all over a crowd of spectators) and plot holes big enough for Sully to fly a plane through, we are supposed to empathize with these alcohol and Absinthelaced women who suffer no consequences for their reprehensible behavior.

We see them drink and drink and drink and drink, but never do they call Ralph on the big white phone, throw up on their shoes, or lose any of their magically appearing wigs. The “morning after” hangovers are portrayed as nothing that can’t be cured by the application of makeup and a cup of coffee. There is a hidden metaphor, perhaps unintentional, for the contradictory nature of the film: Absinthe , a long-illegal and allegedly brain-damaging blend of alcohol and thujone, a psychoactive stimulant, is over consumed by our female protagonists at an important media event. In the words of the world’s #1 Absinthe supplier, “The power and attraction of Absinthe lies in its inherent contradictions. Though fortified with a formidable measure of alcohol, a depressant, it is also infused with powerful herbal stimulants, creating a psychic tug of war in the mind of the imbiber” (Same with this film) Foremost of the stimulants is thujone, the psychoactive chemical at the heart of the herb wormwood, which, along with anisette, gives Absinthe its bitter, black liquorish taste. Some Blacks are already bitter over the lack of taste in this film. The main character in the film (spoiler alert) decides to be true to herself rather than portray herself differently and sell out for the sake of money alone. The lead actresses in the film, of course, have done exactly the opposite … and, despite any protestations to the contrary, an abundance of penis jokes and references to male/female sex plus one male romantic interest who is an abundance of feminine qualities, Girl’s Trip has more lesbian cues than John Sayles’ Lianna (1983). Leonard Buschel is the Founder and Director of the REEL Recovery Film Festival. For more info, see his website at: www.reelrecoveryfilmfestival.org

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What is TMS? Suzanne Jessee M.A.

f you haven’t yet heard of TMS, you are missing the boat! TMS stands for Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation and it’s taking the mental health world by storm. It’s the latest thing for treatment resistant Major Depressive Disorder or “hard to treat” depression. If it’s so great, why haven’t you heard of it? Fair question. The answer: this treatment isn’t owned or marketed through the deep pockets of Big Pharma. So the fire started in 2008 when Neurostar was awarded the first FDA system clearance and the spark caught a flame in 2016 when almost all major insurance companies began covering the revolutionary treatment. What is TMS? The Mayo Clinic describes it as “a noninvasive procedure that uses magnetic fields to stimulate nerve cells in the brain to improve symptoms of depression. TMS is typically used when other depression treatments haven’t been effective.” What does it feel like? TMS feels like someone is tapping firmly on your head. Patients report that it’s uncomfortable but easy to tolerate. After a thirtyminute session, patients can drive back home or to work. It’s non-invasive and doesn’t require sedation. How many times do I have to do it? A full course of treatment is 30-40 sessions. Each session lasts from 20-40 minutes. Will I see a doctor? A psychiatrist must determine if you are a candidate for TMS. If you are a candidate and decide to go forward, the doctor works with the TMS technician to determine the precise area of your brain that will be treated. How well does it work? Over sixty clinical trials reported 58% response rates and 37.1% remission rates compared to medication, which are on average around 32% remission. In short, it works!

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How do I know if I’m a candidate? To become an elligible candidate for TMS, you need to have a diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder and have tried at least two medications that were not successful. How do I find a TMS provider? You can visit www. AnewEraTMS.com for a comprehensive listing of all providers. I want my Treatment Center to be a TMS provider. What do I need to know? This is a great time for treatment centers to explore if their centers would qualify as TMS provider. You need to know what your system options are. Make sure the system you choose is FDA cleared so you can better ensure insurance reimbursement. You need to have all the necessary patient forms for informed consent, a professional who can advise you on best billing practices, and also someone who is familiar with the unique population of chemical dependency treatment. Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation is a great alternative and adjunct treatment for depression. TMS also works on the executive functioning aspect of the brain so you will find your thoughts are clearer. You will be less likely to make impulsive decisions and better able to concentrate in teaching settings. When I found out TMS could arrest depressive symptoms for up to fourteen months and longer, I knew this treatment opportunity for co-occurring disorder clients may very well be the revolutionary treatment we’ve been looking for to support long term sustainable recovery. Suzanne Jessee is a qualified mental health and chemical dependency communications and business development officer, a Licensed Professional Counselor and Marketing professional. Currently developing strategic partnerships with Mental Health and Chemical Dependency treatment providers to incorporate Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation. WWW.RECOVERYILLUSTRATED.COM

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The Age of Discovery Carol Teitelbaum, MFT

elcome to the world of sexuality. As a child develops into adolescence, hormones flow through their body and changes begin to occur.

During puberty, boys’ voices begin to lower, hair appears in places where they never had hair before, and their bodies start to smell differently. When they sweat, everyone in the family yells at them about taking more showers. Erections happen at inopportune times, ejaculations during dream time. “What is happening to me?” is the question many boys ask. So many young boys have no male role model, no one to talk to them about how their body is changing, and no one to answer their questions about sex. They are on their own, left to turn to friends and the Internet to give them the information they are longing. But those sources are often plagued with inaccurate information, or void of any emotional connection. When do young men discover pornography? Most boys are exposed at age twelve. It is so easy to happen onto pornography even when one is not looking for it. Years ago, whitehouse.com was a porn site. Kids did not know the correct site was .org and lots of

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unsuspecting children got more than they bargained for. At age twelve a boy is not mature enough to understand sexuality, they only know that their body is responding to these images. Watching pornography gives men a false sense of what sexuality between two adults is really about. Time after time male clients tell me there is

“Many men believe female porn stars are an accurate portrayal of women.”

during their performance. Men argue that what I am saying is not true. I have to repeat myself several times explaining they are getting paid to “act” this way. More and more young men are addicted to porn. Patrick Carnes stated, “The ‘high’ from pornography was just under the ‘high’ created by meth and that someone could get addicted to porn their first time. Masturbating to porn images becomes an easy, but an isolating way of feeling pleasure. The problems resulting from this behavior is a new disorder, Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction. Young men are finding they can masturbate, have erections and ejaculations just fine to porn, however when they added a real life woman, they could not perform. All of a sudden there was a real person who wanted something back, who had feelings and desires of their own, and might want to talk. These men have a very difficult time adjusting to this ‘sharing ‘way of being and might shut down altogether.

This whole experience is not faring well for our young women either. They report that men are selfish lovers, not wanting women to ask for anything or have any sexual expectations. Young women are questioning something wrong with their partner, explaining that what they might be lacking, and why her body does she is not passionate or willing to do what they see on not excite their man. In fact, many young women who porn videos. watch porn are comparing their bodies to porn stars, and actually having genital surgery so they can match The women in the videos are excited and “turned up to the women on the screen. on” just by observing the nude male body and are instantly aroused and ready for sex just at the What can we do? Education! In our country, we use thought of it. sex to sell everything, but we rarely have honest conversations about it. Our young people need More and more men ask me how to get their women education, mentors and honest conversations about to give them oral sex. My question to these men is bodies, sexuality and relationships. Adults also need “What do you do to help her be aroused enough to to become educated and feel comfortable enough want to give you oral sex?” Their answer is mostly to talk about sex as well, among themselves. Even “What do you mean?” some therapists have told me they are uncomfortable talking about sex and tend to steer the conversation These men are not being funny. They are serious. onto another subject. Never having had any real sex education, or conversations about what women need, they have Carol Teitelbaum is a Licensed Marriageno andmatter Family your Discover healthy sexuality, no idea. Many men believe female porn stars are an Therapist and holds a Bachelor’s degree in Psychology and It isdegree never too late.Educational Psychology, aage. Master’s in Education, accurate portrayal of women. When I explain that Counseling and Guidance, both from Cal State Northridge. those women on the screen are actresses and they For more see: www.creativechangeconferences.com might be going over their shopping list in their head

“The young always have the same problem—how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have now solved this by defying their parents and copying one another.” — Quentin Crisp WWW.RECOVERYILLUSTRATED.COM

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Retro Rockin’ & Boppin’ Lyn P., Unity Hall, Sun City, Ca.

id we catch you humming a retro rock n’ roll tune like, “Blueberry Hill,” or “Blue Suede Shoes,” that you heard emanating from Romano’s Restaurant in downtown Riverside? Ain’t that a shame your dream lover, Runaround Sue, has gotta whole lotta shakin’ goin’ on with the wanderer, Johnny B. Goode, strolling at the hop? For baby boomers, the music of the bygone era stirs up memories of sock hops and Dick Clark’s American Bandstand. Phil Terriere, the white-haired, mustachioed musician, dons rolled up jeans and a vintage, rockabilly shirt as he easily pulls off an Elvis Presley rendition, or tickles the piano keys like Jerry Lee Lewis. The notable musician’s voice melodiously pays homage to timeless, classic rock lyrics familiar to both young and old. Terriere’s music puts the ‘snap’ back into snappy, the ‘shake’ back into shakin’ and the ‘twist’ back into twistin’. Chances are you’ve seen and heard Terriere, 64, strumming his red, electric guitar, or playing the piano at a community gig like the summer season past at the Riverside Art Walk.

program, they raised young daughter, Lynette, who currently lives with her family up the road apiece. One of his three grandchildren, Blake, graduated from high school in June. “Blake’s heading straight to South Carolina for Army boot camp. He wants to learn aviation (helicopter) electronics. I couldn’t be prouder of my grandson,” said Terriere. “I took a 30-year chip in July. I just retired from the County of Riverside in August after 27 years of service as an HVAC technician. I’ve got my health, my family and many new opportunities, all wrapped up in the gift of sobriety and the fellowship of the program,” he said. Life is hardly all wrapped up for the consummate handy man, however. Terriere shared that he recently traded a 28-foot fifth wheel for an E-450 RV to better navigate the scenic routes in his new season of retired life.

“It’s time for me to hit the road in style. I can drive the RV most anywhere. The storage space holds my musical equipment,” said Terriere. “My wife and I used to love going to the beach. I usually head toward the California coast. The road and I are both “I have so much fun meeting people in the wide open for positive experiences. I know there community by sharing music. When I was a youngster, are fellowships everywhere. I have a sponsor. I’m all I saw the Beatles play on the Ed Sullivan Show. I was about service. I make phone calls on a daily basis hooked. I played my first gig when I was 13, and I just to check in,” he said. “It’s a simple program, for haven’t stopped, since,” said Terriere. a simple, peaceful, abundant life. I just keep coming back. More importantly, I take life one day at a time. It Born in Upland, California, Terriere met his late wife, doesn’t get any better than that.” Linda, at a beer-drinking contest. The young couple moved to Menifee in 1980. Together, while happily For updates, Phil Terriere can be reached via email: and continuously working a twelve-step recovery cadilllaccatsphil@yahoo.com PAGE 40 - PRINT EDITION SEPTEMBER 2017

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TOOLS 55

Solutions on Page 48

Puzzles

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Across The thousand-pound tool of recovery that Across everyone carries, yet so few employ 6 The toolpaper-back of recovery that everyone Tools in thousand-pound hard-cover or carries, yet so few dial into The 8representative athletes, Tools in hard-cover orof paper-back musicians, actors, and writers hired toand 9 The representative of athletes, musicians, actors, assist with contract negotiation and writers hired to assist with contract negotiation and promotion promotion 10 A master planof of activities/tactics activities/tactics designed to achieve a A master plan specific goal designed to achieve a specific goal 11 Laboring in collaboration with the Earth to produce Laboring collaboration with the specific in vegetation Earth to produce specific vegetation 12 Tradition 7: We are self-______ through our own Tradition 7: We are self-___________ contributions 16 An our exercise in mindful meditation and physical poses to through own contributions. strengthen the body and spirit An exercise in mind, mindful meditation and 17 The 1965 Beatles movie named after one of their hit songs physical poses to strengthen the 18 Physical activity that moves muscles mind, body and spirit 22 Publicly support cause; tonamed speak or write “in favor of ” The 1965 Beatles aMovie after 23 A tool for documenting personal thoughts, feelings, and one behaviors of their hit songs. Physical that moves muscles 24 Theactivity fruits of labor, or compensation for a deed The 25 representative athletes, A process of makingof good on past indiscretions musicians, actors, and writers hired to assist with contract negotiation and promotion A tool for documenting personal PAGE 42 - PRINT EDITION SEPTEMBER 2017 thoughts, feelings, and behaviors The fruits of labor, or compensation for a deed A process of making good on past

25 25

Down 1 The act of regaining or saving Down something lost (or in danger of becoming lost) 1 The act An of regaining or saving something lost (or in 2 item or experience used todanger assist of becoming lost) with the creation of something new. 2 An item or experience used to assist with the creation of 3 The act of clearing the mind and something new. the body 3 The act relaxing of clearing the mind and relaxing the body 4 A rendezvous gathering people 4 A rendezvous or gathering ofor people with similarof agendas with guide similar agendas 5 A one-on-one through the twelve steps 7 The of effort that sometimes always) results 5 exertion A one-on-one guide (not through the twelve in monetary compensation steps 9 A7 physical or emotional dependence on something that The exertion of effort that sometimes has gotten out of control (not always) results in monetary 12 The experience of being balanced, settled, and secure 13 The actcompensation of communicating with a Higher Power 9 vitamins, A physical or emotionalfordependence on 14 Food, minerals—nourishment the body something that has gotten out of 15 Come to terms with controlof an illness that was previously in 20 The recurrence 12 The experience of being balanced, remission 21 There are twelve ofand them in Alcoholics Anonymous settled, secure 13 The act of communicating with a Higher Power 14 Food, vitamins, minerals – nourishment for the body 15 Come to terms with 19 To be in charge of – to direct and WWW.RECOVERYILLUSTRATED.COM facilitate 20 The recurrence of an illness that was previously in remission 21 There ae twelve of them in Alcoholics

APPARATUS APPLIANCE BAGGAGE BELONGINGS CONTRAPTION CONTRIVANCE DEVICE DOOHICKEY ENGINE GADGET GIZMO IMPLEMENT INVENTION JOB MACHINE MEANS MECHANISM PROVISIONS RESOURCES SETUP SUPPLIES TOOLS UTENSIL WEAPON WHATCHAMACALLIT

Spot the 12 differences in these pictures Solution on Page 48

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Buried Treasure Suzanne Whang

i, I’m Suzanne, and I’m a recovering clutterer.

Because my dad was an engineer for the Navy, we moved around a lot when I was little. I went to seven different elementary schools, so I was frequently the new kid. When you’re the new kid in school, you can either be a wallflower and make no friends, or you can be an extrovert and make lots of friends. I chose the latter. It made me very adaptable, and I embraced change. It was exciting! Every time we moved was an opportunity for discovery. For the most part, my parents were good at preparing me for each move, but I recall one occasion as a toddler when I didn’t understand what was happening. One day some smelly men were taking all of my things out of my bedroom. I remember grabbing onto the foot of my bed, screaming and crying. Here’s my theory about why I’ve struggled with clutter for most of my adult life. When you move around a lot as a kid, all of your external circumstances change. New town, new climate, new neighbors, new school, new friends, new house, new furniture, new car, new everything. The only thing that stayed consistent in my life as a kid was my STUFF. My personal belongings. So my stuff became like my security blanket, which meant the more stuff I accumulated, the more secure I felt. My stuff became like a barrier of protection between me and the outside world.

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After graduating from high school, I moved to New Haven CT, then Providence RI, then Boston MA, then New York City, and then Los Angeles. That’s a lot of moving. For over a decade, I didn’t bother to get “settled” in any given apartment, because I figured I would be moving soon anyway. So I lived out of boxes, with a mattress on the floor. I never hung any photos or artwork on the walls or bought nice furniture. And there were piles of stuff on every horizontal surface. I never invited anyone over to my apartment, because I didn’t want to be judged for the way I lived. A lot of the clutter is paperwork. Since I skipped two grades as a kid, my classmates were always two years older than me, so I didn’t really get to have a childhood in the same way that other kids did. I think sometimes I feel angry about that, so certain things about adulthood have always annoyed me, like the responsibility of paying bills on time or creating a filing system for important documents. So I would let them all stack up, in an act of defiance, and only handle them after I had gotten multiple threatening notices. Even though I had plenty of money in the bank, my credit score was terrible, and I was always close to having my utilities cut off. Another factor in this perfect storm is my history with boys. Since I was two years younger than all of my

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classmates, and I was short, flat-chested, Asian and smart, no boys were interested in me. The formula for being a popular girl at my school was to be a dumb pretty white blonde cheerleader with big boobs. So boys took zero interest in me. In fact, before one Sadie Hawkins dance (where the girls ask the boys), I asked five different boys to go with me. They all said no. So my adolescent self learned that I was unattractive to the opposite sex, and it crushed me. After graduating high school as valedictorian without attending parties or going on dates, I hoped college would be better. It was. Suddenly it was okay to be petite, and the guys at Yale didn’t seem to care about boob size. I started wearing makeup. Not only was it okay to be Asian, it was now seen as sexy and exotic. And being smart was now seen as appealing, because everyone there was smart. I went from famine to feast when it came to attention from boys. But instead of enjoying it, I became a monster. I started treating these boys like garbage. I would string them along, get them to fall in love with me, have sex with them, and then dump them. I broke a lot of hearts. And I often cheated on my boyfriends. I think my behavior resulted from subconsciously wanting revenge on all the boys who rejected me during my adolescence. When people ask me why I don’t just throw out all those boxes of stuff that I haven’t looked inside for years, or why don’t I just hire a professional organizer to help me, they don’t realize that going through those boxes is a rollercoaster of emotions. It’s a form of personal archaeology, and I am forced to confront things from my past. It doesn’t work for me to throw out a box without looking inside of it. Inside of one box might be a bunch of junk mail from decades ago that I don’t need, but mixed in with that junk could be a precious photograph of me as a baby with my grandfather who died many years ago. I might find a napkin with a poem I wrote on it, or some song lyrics that I never finished. Once I discovered an old love letter, and it was the most profoundly beautiful letter any woman could ever dream of receiving. When I got to the end, it said, “All my love, Paul.” And I sat in stunned silence, because I had no memory of Paul. So I felt deeply ashamed and guilty, because he must have been just another casualty in the path of destruction I had caused. This is why tackling my piles and boxes of clutter isn’t a simple task. So when I do it, I set a timer for one-hour increments, and I take short breaks. I play music in the background that makes me happy, and I make a cup of my favorite tea. I sometimes solicit the help of friends or professional organizers. I put out empty bags or boxes labeled Keep, Trash, Recycle, Donate. And once I’m WWW.RECOVERYILLUSTRATED.COM

done with any given decluttering session, I throw out the trash and recycling while saying “I release what I no longer need, and I make room for more blessings in my life.” Whatever I keep, I either file away or display prominently. And I bring my donations to whatever charity will make the best use of them. William Morris, the poet (not the agent) once said, “Everything in my house is either extremely beautiful, or extremely useful.” That’s a good mantra for me. Once I let a friend of mine come over to my house for the first time, because she offered to help me declutter. I was so nervous about letting her in to see all the piles and boxes of stuff. She started going through the stuff on my dining room table, and I had asked her to organize the things into different piles. I was decluttering in my bedroom. After about half an hour, I heard her say, “Oh my God.” I cringed, because I assumed she found something incriminating and that she was judging me. I walked into the dining room, and she looked up at me and said, “You are AMAZING. Your life is so full and fascinating and abundant! You know so many people and you’re interested in so many topics and you’re involved in so many creative projects! You care about all of these political causes and charities. I am in AWE of you. It is a privilege to bear witness to these pieces of your incredible life.” WOW. What a gift to hear her perspective. Another gift came from a professional organizer who was working with me at my house. In the middle of the session she said, “You know, instead of thinking of it as decluttering, you could think of it as treasure hunting!” It was such a great way to reframe the activity in my mind. I’m going treasure hunting, so who knows what I might discover? Once, I found an envelope with $1,000 in cash, given to me inside a birthday card from a wealthy aunt! Koreans love to give cash for gifts on special occasions, and I had somehow lost track of that envelope. During another session, I found my favorite bracelet that I had long since mourned losing. Sure, I may have to encounter some difficult or painful memories along the way, but thinking of it as treasure hunting completely shifted my perspective. In the past, after getting rid of a bunch of clutter, I would feel sad and scared of the empty space where the clutter used to be. But now I feel happy, free, and exhilarated. Cluttering was a coping mechanism from my past, but I don’t need it anymore. By letting go of it, I am discovering my true and highest self. Suzanne Whang is best known as the host of HGTV’s House Hunters. She also co-hosted Bloopers with Dick Clark, FOX After Breakfast with Tom Bergeron, played Polly on NBC’s Las Vegas, and she’s also a double award-winning standup comedian. She’s a published author, keynote speaker, teacher, coach, political activist, and metaphysical minister. PRINT EDITION SEPTEMBER 2017 - PAGE 45

Face Your Fears Dr. Phyllis and Rev. Carrol Davis

hange is a word that evokes fear in the hearts of many individuals in recovery. Why? Change is an inevitable part of life. The world and everything on it is either growing or decaying â&#x20AC;Ś so why do we fear change so much? One of the main issues we have had to deal with in recovery is facing our fears, especially during those times when false evidence appears real. Very rarely do our worst fears actually manifest themselves in our lives and, when and if they do, it is almost always

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to serve a far greater purpose than we could have dreamed or imagined. When we can learn to face fear and overcome it, we open our world to many adventures we might otherwise miss if we allow our fears to stop us in our tracks. In looking back over our lives, and our favorite adventures and discoveries, we often find that none of them would have taken place had we not learned and determined to overcome our fears.

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Discovering new people, places and things requires energy, effort, perseverance and a willingness to make mistakes. A dogged determination to overcome the “what ifs” of life is necessary to push through the countless obstacles that will most assuredly present themselves.

“Very rarely do our worst fears actually manifest themselves in our lives.” Fear is something all human beings face. The only difference between success and failure is the willingness to try. Our efforts may not produce the end results we had hoped for, however, without our willingness to try we would accomplish nothing and would miss the opportunity to discover more about ourselves, our world, and the people in it. What is success anyway? According to whom or what? We have found that whether we view an event or happening as a success or as a failure depends entirely on our perspective. Reframing our experiences into positive thoughts rather than negative commentaries helps us build bridges to more successful outcomes. Early retirement is an unexpected obstacle I had to face due to a back injury. I could have viewed this as a negative and one of life’s failures … or as an opportunity to visit a different part of the world where I would like to live. I chose the latter, and set out to retire on an island in the Caribbean, soaking up sun and sea on a daily basis. This “obstacle” in my life turned out to be a year of discovery and adventure. Retiring on an island is not what it looks like. Outsiders imagine a life in a five-star hotel with beach and sand 24/7. The reality is that the island was in a third world country. When I arrived I announced to my newly acquired friends what I had planned to do for the day. I read from my “To Do List” starting at the top with: First, get my phone hooked up. My friends howled with laughter as they tried to talk … to respond … to no avail … breathless they finally explained, erupting with intermittent laughter, “Getting a phone on the island can take years. You don’t just go get a phone.”

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It seems I was in for quite an education about how things really work in an undeveloped country. Everything from getting a telephone, trash pick-up, electric bills and so forth. Living in a third world country is not the same as vacationing in a third world country, while luxuriating in a five star hotel. Nevertheless, what an adventure: I met doctors from all over the world, made friends with people from many countries, and learned to order food at a restaurant and ask for the bill in French. Some of those dining experiences were at five-star restaurants on the top of a cliff overlooking the Caribbean Sea while viewing the city spread out below. I danced in the moonlight on a beach to reggae music with thousands of stars overhead. I introduced visitors to the island as a tour guide on a sailing catamaran while sipping virgin Piña Coladas. “Shop ‘til you drop” became a real life experience while visiting the beautiful boutiques on the French side of the island. I even joined a parade held in my honor as a newcomer to the island, and attended “Carnival,” a festive celebration held every year before the liturgical season of Lent. Vacationers and islanders from all around join in the celebration.

“It seems I was in for quite an education about how things really work in an undeveloped country.” Today, these moments in time become celebrated memories that could not and would not have happened if I had not determined to face my fears and do it anyway. Recovery is so much more than a desire to stop using drugs or alcohol. Recovery is and should be a celebration of life for all of us. Never let your fears stop you from discovering other people, places, and things. You never know, the discovery of a lifetime might waiting for you just around the corner.

Rev. Carrol and Dr. Phyllis Davis, authors, speakers, and teachers, are founders of the JOURNEY. They do seminars and workshops on invitation as well as a private practice. Visit them at www. thejourneypathwaystohealing.org.

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In the Print Issue, you’ll also get: • Puzzles • Trivia • Jokes • Horoscopes • Quotes

Puzzle Solutions from Pages 42 & 43

But wait... There’s More!

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While Betty and Harry were driving along a rural road in the rain, their car ran off the slippery tarmac and slid into a ditch. Nearby, Jeb, a farmer, was tending to his horse. Betty and Harry despartely needed Jeb’s help. “Excuse me,” Harry said when they got within hearing distance. “Do you think your horse could somehow pull our vehicle out of the ditch?” Jeb looked at his horse Buddy and shrugged. “It’s a very small vehicle,” assured Harry. “Okay,” said Jeb. “I’ll bring Buddy and we’ll take a look. But I can’t promise to help if Buddy might be injured trying to pull the car out of the ditch.” When they arrived at the ditch, Jeb saw that the vehicle was quite. small. He took a rope from Buddy, and fixed it so that he would be able to pull the vehicle out of the ditch. Jeb then said, “Pull, Casey, Pull,” but Buddy didn’t budge. Then he said, “Pull, Bailey, Pull,” but again the horse would not move. “Pull, Mandy, Pull,” said Jeb, and Buddy stood still. Then Jeb said, “Pull, Buddy, Pull,” and the big horse snorted and moved foward, pulling the vehicle out of the ditch. Harry was very grateful. “But why did you call the horse by different names?” he asked. “Well,” said Jeb. “You see, Buddy is blind, so I had to make him think he had plenty of help or he would not have pulled.” WWW.RECOVERYILLUSTRATED.COM

A man, his wife and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, “You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150.00.” The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, “Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and spend only $150.00?” The man replied, “A man died here 2000 years ago, was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”

At school, Gemma was talking to Miss Spencer about whales. “It’s physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it’s a very large mammal, its throat is very small,” explained Miss Spencer. “That’s not true!” cried Gemma. “Jonah was swallowed by a whale.” Irritated, Miss Spencer reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. Gemma retorted, “When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah.” Miss Spencer asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?” Gemma replied, “In that case, you can ask him.” PRINT EDITION SEPTEMBER 2017 - PAGE 49

I Surrender

Lori Nelson

and before I believe they are real, the not all right moments fly back fast. In full disclosure, I’m moving. This is a big move. (Though imagining any move being small or inconsequential is beyond the scope of this writer.) I read somewhere about all those life stressors that release dangerous cortisol into our body systems and render us less capable, tolerant, or able than usual. Death is on that list. Addiction. Divorce. Debt. Moving. And more .... Now, I’m not an expert on life’s stress forces, nor do I have any bright witty repartee to offset the anguish for you if you are currently suffering any of those human conditions. However, I do wonder about levels of trouble, because I can reasonably vouch for my own version of moving stress as worse than death, which usually ranks #1 on those lists. Also, with moving comes most of those other stress “cousins”. Debt is inevitable. Addiction is under consideration, and death is quickly climbing the list as a best alternative to relocation.

lie. I’m sick. I surrender. Let’s make a deal....

How many times have we all said this—in that moment of complete and utter exhaustion—but as soon as the heavy dark cloud lifts, the resolute plan to change or do whatever differently dissipates. The slithering slide back into immobility and contorted feelings of shredded logic is swift. Everything will be all right when I’m all right with everything. When those moments occur—the all right with everything moments—they are rare and fleeting

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After spending decades accumulating things I didn’t need, and often with money I didn’t have, it’s time to go. Either pack it all, sell it, donate it, but move it. And move it now. Trouble is, there’s too much of it. Just short of qualifying for a Hoarders broadcast television show, but devoid of the requisite smashed dead cats and brooding insects bands that fulfill the obligations to get a network sponsored move-out, I’m left with the seemingly insurmountable task of clearing a 3 bedroom house myself. At first, it was all strength and swagger. I tackled drawers, display items, kitchen gadgets bought in WWW.RECOVERYILLUSTRATED.COM

the middle of the night that I have no idea how to use, and endless piles in endless places that needed immediate decision-making skills. As flow around my house vanished and bumping into items became the daily norm, I lost track. Then spun out of control. Tick. Tick. Clock is ticking. Closing is coming. Not ready. Crap everywhere. There’s too much stuff and my new much smaller house will not accept this deposit of accumulated rubbish. Help!? Moving is worse than death. When this is all over, soon!—Thanks, God!—I’ll look at the life-stress list again and most certainly change my mind. Death is an end. And this ending is only my beginning. That’s the discovery I’m making. I’ll be by the beach. I’ll make a new life. I’ll look back and laugh. (Well, there I go again … I lied. About the laugh part. Never. This will never be funny, even in memory.) Surrender doesn’t get enough credit for being a very hard emotional state to accept. The funny thing is that when surrender is finally reached, one realizes they had little choice along most of the path that led to that surrender. We are all led. We are influenced by events, friends, circumstances beyond our control, our own wants and wishes, and so much more.

How many of us can look back at our childhood imaginations and see that they have panned out the way we envisioned? A very lucky few. And even those few sometimes get what they want and are unhappy. Surrender. Acceptance. It is the only way onward and upward, and each of us comes to this realization in whatever way we do. What is hurting you now will not be the pain of your future, or will fade to shades of its former repugnance. Discover joy. As we age, our energy depletes. I’m trying to use all my available energy directed toward joy and the seeking of more joy. It is a moment by moment mission. Everything will be okay when we’re okay with everything. I’m not okay with moving, but it is, after acceptance, temporary torment. I surrender. Lori Nelson is an author, speaker, educator, and international “edu-tainer” aboard cruise ships. She occasionally blogs at anotherloristory.blogspot. com. Find Lori on Facebook. Her book, Torture: Broken Foot, Shattered Soul, is available on Amazon, or email: anotherloristory@gmail.com

Accepting Submissions Now! We are Looking for Inspiring Stories of Recovery with before and after photos The Mugshot Issue will feature twelve diverse profiles of people with compelling and interesting stories of recovery. The deadline for submissions is October 15th. This is a wonderful opportunity to give hope to a community that struggles with addiction.

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The

Book Look

A page dedicated to advertising Individual publications offering hope and inspiration Journey of the Soul...Cracked Pots and Broken Vessels is an advice guide to assist adults, especially mothers and fathers, on the importance of facing their addictions and idolatries that have replaced their devotion to God. Through a seven-stage model of sanctification, readers will be aided in breaking free from fleshy bondage and reuniting with Jesus in thankfulness. Order Now at 866-909-2665 Xulon Press The Family Scrimmage: An Introduction to The Seven Realities of the Addictive Family by Susan Jackson, LMFT. This book demystifies the chaos of the addictive family, introducing an innovative way of making sense of the turmoil that often rules families affected by addiction. This book not only delves into how the family becomes sick together but also how they can heal together. Available at: http://www. sevenrealities.com Torture:Broken Foot, Shattered Soul is a true story that reads like a fairy tale. It’s a proof of angel story and a profound peek into the unexplored experiential territory of a terrified mind. Lori’s story is a psychological, spiritual, comical roller coaster ride through a journey of trauma and one woman’s truth. Available at https://www. barnesandnoble.com/w/torture-lori-ne lson/1120839652?ean=9780990962410 Are you tired of being in pain, sluggish and out of shape? The notion that all exercise provides maximum opportunity for women’s physical and emotional health is a myth. “Feminine Body Design, Empowering Fitness for Pain Free Life” debunks the most popular exercise myths and offers a holistic approach in the field of women’s fitness. Available on Amazon https://www.amazon.com/FeminineBody-Design-Empowering-fitness/ dp/0692532676/ PAGE 52 - PRINT EDITION SEPTEMBER 2017

Stop the Violence... Seven Stages to Sanctify is a companion workbook to “Journey of the Soul...” and goes beyond academic exercises and focuses on self-awareness, deep reflection, honesty and faith. Different from “talk therapy” the “Seven Stages to Sanctify” is designed to address life’s problems and challenges at the heart of the issue, rather than treating symptoms only. Order Now at 866-909-2665 Xulon Press

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Unlocked for Life

with Dan Sanfellipo

The word surrender means something completely different to a veteran than it does to someone who’s never fought in a war, or been trained to “never give up.” Recently, I heard a guy speaking to a group of veterans about the topic of surrender. It was not only appropriate for veterans, but also for anyone new to the program of recovery who struggles with the idea of “giving up.” Essentially, his message illustrated a scenario in which a person is completely surrounded by enemy forces with the intent to kill or capture the lone soldier. In this situation, the soldier has three options: One, he can get down on his knees and lay down his weapons with a quiet willingness to do whatever it takes to survive the situation—to live. Two, he can get down on his knees and throw down his weapons in anger and resentment and continue to fight the notion that he has lost the battle and maintain his will to struggle with the enemy. Three, he can choose to continue to fight a clearly losing battle—to his death.

to be willing to try something different. What I was doing didn’t work. I thought I had it figured out. I was like the guy in the white mustang in a high speed chase; an army of police behind him. There’s no tread on the tires, there’s sparks coming off the rims— everyone knew it was hopeless except him. If you throw the gun down with an attitude, you’ll go through recovery expecting something in return for every milestone. You’ll want credit for getting a license and a car and a job. These normal things that everyone does. You’ll want to be rewarded for running out of a burning building or jumping off a sinking ship. You’ll want to be rewarded for doing the normal things in the mainstream of life. Gentle and complete surrender is the answer. Someone has the answers, they have the solutions to the problems we are failing at. That’s what getting a sponsor and working the steps is about. It’s about taking direction from people who are already doing things—normal life things. Don’t throw your gun down with attitude. Do it with honor and genuine purpose and respect. Mostly, be sure to put the gun down and don’t try fighting to the death.

Surrendering to the disease of addiction is very much the same. We have the same three options. We can lay down all our defenses peacefully and allow the higher power to direct us so we can continue to live (and often thrive); we can throw down our defenses in anger and objection— continuing to fight internally and resist the direction of the greater forces that can help and direct us, or we can just keep fighting to our death. Total surrender is just another way of saying we set down our defenses in complete despair knowing there is no other way out. That’s how the process took place for me. I’m very thankful and pleased to report that it saved my life. It allowed me the ability to let someone else show me something different than the road I was already so familiar with. Which was crash/burn/handcuffs/repeat. When I finally laid down the metaphorical gun, my attitude and my way of doing things changed and I waited for someone to tell me what to do next in this program. That’s when I found the magical solution. If I had had just one more idea, one more idea that would win the war, I wouldn’t be here today. I would be locked away for life or dead. The act of surrender is so crucial in order to get the help. Don’t throw the gun down with an attitude. Set it down knowing that you’ve tried everything you could possibly think of to get out of the situation you are in, and the only option is to lay down the weapon There comes a time when it’s OK to say “I’m done.” I had WWW.RECOVERYILLUSTRATED.COM

Founder and CEO of Unlocked for Life and motivational speaker, Dan spent most of his life in and out of jail. His repeat offending and incarceration drove him to realize that he had to start a new life, or the spiral would continue–to an abrupt and fatal end. PRINT EDITION SEPTEMBER 2017 - PAGE 53

The Third Step and

Bhakti Yoga W

ho doesn’t want to be cared for? Who wouldn’t like to have a loving guide in life? Where does the resistance to safekeeping, guardianship and guidance come from? In my case, it was trust, or lack of trust.

Kyczy Hawk

Growing up in an environment where anything can happen can be both exciting and terrifying. It was exciting because we moved a lot; new apartments, new furniture, new people, new languages, new countries. But terrifying for those same reasons. Within the walls, it was exciting and terrifying as well. Exciting, because we might be able to try something wonderful and new with our dad; making models, looking through microscopes, playing games and reading together. Terrifying, as these all became opportunities to please him, to learn beyond our abilities and to fail. We never knew when dogma would supplant play. Home was also the place of the alternating loving mom or unavailable mom. We could experience the loving mom of kindness and encouragement, a buffer between the play of discovery and the mandates of my father. But there was also the mom of withdrawal and sadness, depression and isolation. We never knew when retreat would supplant support. All of these characteristics are human but, in excess, they are not healthy. They weren’t great guides to parenting, and they were not the building blocks of trust. The actions and attitudes were not slow in developing, but rather strobed on and off at a dizzying rate. There was no way to predict or to adapt, except my finding a store of self reliance and letting go of trust in others. Wildly swinging moods and energies were my childhood norm and I brought them into my life of addiction. The one common denominator was that I MANAGED IT ALL. Or so I thought. I was the one who adapted to the mood of the moment. I stuffed my feelings or let them fly—no medium way for me. I lived a life of extremes. This is a painful way to live, and I medicated to manage it.

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I was using drugs and alcohol to care for my wounds, to give me the illusion that I was fine. My guiding force was to design a life that would support my addiction. This led to illness on all levels of my being. I continued in this fashion of active addiction until no amount of “medication” could salve my broken spirit, to heal my core pain, to bring me to the point of self love or self care. I was on the brink of spiritual death and I chose recovery.

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In recovery, I discovered that I could, in fact needed to, admit that I was not the center of the universe. In fact, I was a part of the universe and the universe had a spiritual core and direction. I was not in charge of the direction, but I could join my efforts in “good orderly direction.” I could trust this. Trust was in an intellectual effort for many years. In fact, I resigned myself to the concept that I would only have a connection to others and to the universe as the result of efforts of my mind. It was enough for a while, and then it wasn’t. I was in deep spiritual pain and had to find a higher power of my heart. Enter yoga, and the practice of bhakti yoga. A definition of this can be: “to adore or worship God,” “love for love’s sake” and “union through love and devotion.” Love for love’s sake—what a beautiful concept. What if I could live my life in the now, finding gratitude (some days) in the smallest of things— having a clean toothbrush, having drinkable water, breathing. Who wouldn’t want to recline in the hammock of the love of a higher power? All I needed was to trust. Trust was developed over days, weeks, months in recovery. I had the routine of meetings, the unconditional love of my sponsor, and the community of my fellow travelers. I was learning that I was not in total control of my life—that choice was mine, but control was not. I was selecting people around me who were also on the path to wellness, body mind and spirit. The Yoga practice of living a life from a devoted heart was my way of practicing the third step: I was willing to turn myself over to the care of my higher power. I was willing to work in companionship and not obstinence. Today practice a little yoga: try bhakti! Live your life in the present; find love and devotion. Let go of that attachment to the illusion of control and enjoy life in the fourth dimension! Kyczy Hawk is a certified yoga instructor and the creator of the S.O.A.R training programs. She hosts a meeting on In The Rooms at the Yoga Recovery and also leads Y12SR (Yoga of 12 Step Recovery) meetings. See what she’s up to at www.yogarecovery.com, and you can also follow @Kyczy on Twitter. WWW.RECOVERYILLUSTRATED.COM

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Ask Mauvis

Questions & Answers About Nourishing Your Mind And Body

veryone seems to be rushed these days; people eating fast while they drive, and also at their desk. It’s no wonder our digestion is always upset. Why is it important to eat slowly?

Eat your meal like a feast, savoring every morsel that passes your lips. Chew slowly to taste all the flavors and spices, making your meal time last at least thirty minutes. Your stomach will work at its optimum, digesting your food. You will feel satiated and full.

Well, the first thing you must know is that whenever we are rushed our bodies go into stress mode a.k.a: “fight or flight.” The first thing that happens when we are stressed out is that our digestive system shuts down. Why? Our body needs to put all its energy and attention on our extremities to be able to act on fight or flight, so it’s not worried about digesting food at this critical moment. Eating fast, does just that, puts us in fight or flight mode.

If you happen to be eating junk food, you may not develop a tummy ache, but you will definitely be able to taste what this “food” is truly made from, and you might not want to eat it again. Most employers allow at least a thirtyminute lunch break, so if you take good advantage of that time to enjoy your meal fully and wholeheartedly, you just might start a new good habit.

Eating in a relaxed (un-hurried) mode helps with our digestion. It begins in the brain by using our senses. For instance, when you are hungry, you see the food you want to eat, you enjoy the smell of your meal and you may also notice that you start to salivate. This natural process helps create the enzymes needed to break down the food we eat, and help the digestive system. This stage is known as the cephalic phase.

A great breakfast will provide enough energy to keep you going until your next meal (lunch). Some options to keep a body going without the sluggish or sugar high are easy and inexpensive. A bowl of warm oatmeal with fresh blueberries (no sugar or dairy added) are packed with time-released carbs that will give you a normal balance of energy for at least four hours. Another option is a cool handful of celery stalks

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smeared with almond butter and topped with a small handful of raisins/craisins (a.k.a: ants on a log). These simple snacks are easy to make and provide energy to the body. Try apples if celery is not your thing. Cupping: what is it and what does it do? Cupping is an ancient eastern tradition which is thought to help create a more positive flow of Chi or Prana or, as we know it, energy. Sometimes, when we get a stagnant feeling in your body, as if we have no energy, we tend to feel sluggish or stale. Cupping can help release this feeling by placing heated cups on the meridians (a set of pathways where your energy flows) of your body. Placing a cup on this pathway helps pull the energy up to the surface of the skin, releasing the stagnation to create less resistant flow putting your body into a more hemostasis feeling.

855-927-2687

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RecoveRy Without BoundaRies

The general idea is to always treat your body like a temple; worship it, feed it, take good care of it. Consider the effects that everything you do will have on your body when you are moving through your day. After all, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the only one you have. Mauvis Miller is the founder and CEO of iNourish Mind and Body Center in Vista, CA. She is Alternative Health Practitioner. Specializing in nourishing the mind body and spirit using mediation, yoga and plant based meals in a holistic manner. www.iNourish.Life

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Pink Elephants But No Snakes in My Boots

ord is, no one can tell you you’re an alcoholic. That’s fine with us. But then we find out we’re the last ones to know. If everybody else knew, why didn’t they tell us? For them, it’s a no-brainer; when confronted, our response is defiance, disbelief or apathy, accented with a lethal dose of stink-eye. They surely don’t believe in No Pain, No Gain. But then, they were the ones who were replaced by a liquid friend. Problem drinkers may never recognize denial, but many will know despair. Fridge magnets proclaim that denial is not a river in Egypt. Likewise, despair isn’t a tire in the trunk with no air in it, either, even though it is a little depressing. I was a bit delusional when it came to my drinking. The lies alcohol told me became truths. During my dry times, the reality flybys back to the wreckage were painful. The brief intervals of not-drinking

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mark masserant

always drove me back to drinking, and I’d hide in the bottle again. Ultimately, worse problems followed. After a fitful series of collapsible bottoms, it was finally time for a little Reality Check. Despite the evidence, the starting point of my recovery was littered with obstacles. I had to diagnose myself, and I didn’t want to be an alcoholic. During this tug-of-war, what’s the most natural thing I’ll do? Compare, of course. Clues to a sanity glitch are magnified here. I came down with a bad case of the “Denial by Comparison Blues”. Sound familiar? Jail time from a life of crime, or closet drunk that’s in a funk? Kicked out of the bar? Misplaced the car? Job loss and still on the sauce? Lost the money? Been walking funny? Count me in, and count me out. Denial’s what it’s all about. WWW.RECOVERYILLUSTRATED.COM

Nut House stay? Drinkin’ Spouse-Away? Spells of DT’s? Walkin’ on your knees? Seein’ men in white suits, or just snakes in your boots? Pink elephants and blue monkeys, gnats or white snakes? Does gin or cheap whiskey smooth out them shakes? I got them denial by comparison blues.

“I know they say ‘relate, don’t compare’, but I’m comparing this one,” I thought. I wasn’t a real visionary yet, or even a zoologist, so I hadn’t experienced any rare elephants. I suspected he fell out of his car one too many times on his head. Exactly on the spot that had some brain in it.

My compare-a-meter, the perfect tool for denial, had to be disabled—no cookie-cutter diagnosis for this malady was possible. Our drinking patterns and problems vary in many ways, and lead to a chorus of the ‘I never’s’.

What did pink elephants have to do with it anyway? I knew you didn’t have to see one to be an alcoholic. If you did, it would have been at the pinnacle of the Almighty Twenty Questions.

“I never spotted a blue monkey.” “I never went to jail. I never actually jaywalked. Never had a bladder malfunction. Had the dry heaves, but I never scared away all the birds in the neighborhood.” There’s a long, ugly list. Would we have to undergo everything before admitting we’re alcoholic? Dishonest John pointed out he’d never been divorced, but I suggested, “Dude, you gotta get married first.” And so what if I lit the wrong end of a cigarette—I never smoked a whole filter. I wasn’t that bad. Maybe I’m not an alcoholic? Besides, I can’t say I ever saw a pink elephant, either (never more than once).

However, I didn’t know what else you’d be if you did see one. Could be a game-changer. I never spotted a blue monkey, and doubted I ever would. Myself, I saw the gnats. A cloud of them. And maybe Pink Elephants in a blackout, who knows, but absolutely no snakes in my boots …. Hey, maybe I’m not an alcoholic? Maybe I’m not a screwball, either. But don’t compare. Relate. Mark Masserant has an Associate’s Degree, and is employed at a hospital in Ann Arbor, Michigan. In 2014, Mark was inspired to begin writing again and has written articles for recovery magazines and poems for several periodicals. He’s also one of the architects of and event called OctSoberFest.

I saw the gnats when I quit—a rambunctious cloud of them in my living room in December, hovering to my right—the side where my eye doesn’t work. There’s at least a couple of things wrong with that. I was too busy shaking to analyze it, and shrugged it off as seeing things. I knew I hadn’t suddenly acquired super-powers. But I had an elephant like a memory. Something wasn’t right here. For years, folks wisecracked about drunks seeing blue monkeys and pink elephants when they came off the booze. Cowboy lore of the Wild West spun tales of alcoholics who had ‘snakes in their boots’. It went from the prairie to urban legend, to elephants, to gnats in my living room. My first sponsor was captivated by it all.

Are you or someone you love experiencing a family, relationship or addiction crisis?

His perspective was compromised from the spacing out he did in the 70’s. When he was out there ripping and running, he hit up everyone he knew, everywhere he went—“Got anything for the head?” I would have offered him a mask. When I was new, he’d pat me on the back and ask me if I “ever seen a pink elephant?” with a “Yuck-yuck” afterwards, like Goofy from a Disney cartoon. He talked like that WWW.RECOVERYILLUSTRATED.COM

I can help. Scott H. Silverman

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ake you g The poppy plant, from which opium is derived, grows in mild climates around the world, including Afghanistan, Mexico, Columbia, Turkey, Pakistan, India, Burma, Thailand, Australia, and China.

LSD became the favored psychedelic drug among the young in the 1960s, prompted by Harvard psychology professor, Timothy Leary, whose slogan about LSD: “Turn on, tune in, drop out” was adopted by the hippie movement.

m “H

mm m .”

RE C

the most common long-term effects

IA IV d things tha

Y TR ER V O M ES S A G E S

Two of

of heroin addiction

In the Wizard of Oz, when Dorothy collapses in the field of poppies, she has fallen under the influence of an opium.

are liver failure and heart disease.

Being in love, eating processed white sugar, and being high on cocaine all activate the same portions of the brain.

Heroin creates both a physical and psychological dependence. If an addict does not address the psychological effects of the drugs as well as the physical, there is a 90% chance they will relapse.

Lysergic acid diethylamide was first made by Albert Hofmann, a Swiss chemist, on November 16, 1938 from ergotamine, a chemical derived from the fungus, ergot, which is most commonly found on rye.

The CIA created a project called “Project MK-ULTRA” in which they experimented with LSD to see if they could wipe out the memories of retiring CIA agents.

Approximately 13.5 million people worldwide take opiumlike substances (opioids), including 9.2 million who use heroin.

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Strength in Weakness Jim Anders

“I have been driven many times upon my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go.” ~ Abraham Lincoln

e in the Western world live in a culture heavily influenced by the historical movement called the Enlightenment, wherein reason is thought to be the most worthy standard of truth. While there are many facets to this movement, at bottom it is predicated upon a kind of idolatrous worship of reason. Logic and rhetoric are the twin deities of this modern faith, for if something seems logical or (using rhetoric) can at least be made to look logical. Then, one would appear to have a foundation upon which one could reasonably trust. Unfortunately, humanity is completely capable of making foolishness appear prudent, and insanity look sane. History and contemporary life are all too full of examples. This kind of belief, I would argue, gives far too much latitude to cleaver individuals and groups who are willing to torture logic until it yields and speaks as it is told. Additionally, we modern Americans are the ideological sons and daughters of the Pioneers. For whether or not we are physically descended from them they have nevertheless bequeathed to us a culture that is predicated on self-sufficiency. Most of us have some experience with this culture’s encouragement to rely on our own

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resources and abilities. There is—so we are taught— no problem that will not yield to our minds and backs, if our faith in ourselves is only strong enough. If the standard of possible and impossible is simply what is desired, then we effectively claim the power and prerogative of gods, and divinity need never be troubled about such things as weakness and need. So steeped in this loud and proud American “can do”, “never say die”, “I can do anything” attitude we are perhaps a bit shocked when the recovery community softly whispers the single word, “surrender.” What? Surrender? Never! We are Americans and we do not surrender. We pommel ours problems until they are soundly defeated, until they surrender. We did not defeat half the world twice last century by surrendering. We did not put men on the Moon and eradicate Polio by giving up. Frank Sinatra sang the quintessential American anthem “I Did It My Way” and we all said, “Amen!” Stubbornly though, in the face of this “win, win” ethic, the recovery community continues to advise us to simply surrender. Yet, surrender what, and to what precisely? We are not to surrender to the disease itself. We shall never quit fighting against the substances, the rage, the gambling, the lusts and other behaviors. No, we shall fight on, but we fight paradoxically by surrender. At last, we acknowledge what is so painfully obvious to anyone who is familiar with our situations: WWW.RECOVERYILLUSTRATED.COM

we have lost! Moreover, we have lost in spectacular fashion, and many of us have done so numerous times. We therefore surrender the notion that we will ever win like that. Personal, unadded victory is forever out of reach. We have truly “lost control” and things have become “unmanageable” At this point, we have crossed the short but perilous landscape of Step One. Acknowledging that the brute force frontal attack is unproductive we hope to find another strategy. Obviously if we cannot defeat an enemy by ourselves and if ultimate defeat is too horrible a possibility to consider, then we must seek allies. This is where the recovery communities really excel, for we all at war against the same sort of opponents and, as the NA groups say, “What we cannot do alone we can do together.” We need not face this alone. Others have gone before and reconnoitered the terrain. They are eager to share strategies and tactics, they will even serve as our companions on these dangerous, but enlightening and rewarding journeys. They will care about our success nearly as much as they do their own because from us they draw hope and meaning as well as imparting it. There is great strength in such groups, for hope truly lives in those little rooms of bad lighting, sour coffee and uncomfortable chairs. Another aspect of surrender we must at some point address is our surrender to an appropriate Higher Power. There is admirable power in groups of recovering people, since groups of addicts are obviously more powerful than individuals. Yet, the Higher Power is unique. First, unlike our friends in recovery, the Higher Power is always accessible. The thundering temptations that seemingly strikes from nowhere, and at the most inconvenient times, can be resisted with the shield of our faith in this power. Also, unlike our fellows, this Power is never petty, selfish or negligent no matter how badly we have behaved. He (or it, if you are not ready to acknowledge a particular pronoun) will always answer a sincere spiritual SOS. Finally, He is wise enough to invariably lead us toward help and away from danger, as long as we are wise enough to follow. Surrender is, to us, the very beginning of a life of victory. That statement is foolish only to those whose lives are not at stake. If we have crossed the line into active addiction, the sooner we lose faith in ourselves and seek allies, the better off we and all those who love us and hope for us will be. Jim Anders is the Program Manager at Salvation Army Riverside County Adult Rehabilitation Center. He is an Addiction and Codependency Specialist and offers individual, group marriage and family counseling. Jim has been writing articles for Step 12 Magazine and Recovery Illustrated since July 2016. He lives in Riverside County. WWW.RECOVERYILLUSTRATED.COM

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n expert in her field, and specializing in addictions, Petra is here to answer all your questions and concerns. Please send in your questions anonymously via the contact forms found on www.Petrabilities.com and www.HepCGI.com

Among many other alleged violations and concerns is that lawsuits filed in California also allege insurers deny treatment to increase profits, a violation of California law. Please continue reading, as it pertains to you!

Before you decide to take treatment options, please make sure to watch our PocketLive Broadcast’s PAST THREE SATURDAY shows!! VERY IMPORTANT INFO! www.pocketlive.tv/live/petrabilities.html

Is Sovaldi/Harvoni Really a Cure? Cambridge, Alberta

Disclaimer: Much of the information I am about to share is sourced from the following website: https://www.lawyersandsettlements.com Because there are so many ongoing controversies and claims, this month’s column will focus solely on Hepatitis C. We will reconvene with the combined Hep C and Addictions advice in the next column. Diagnosed and Turned Down?! New York, New York Dear Petra: It has been a journey since my initial diagnosis, but not in a million years did I anticipate running into this wall. How can I possibly be turned down for Hep C treatment? I am lost and confused. Dear Lost and Confused: It is with great sadness that I must share the ugly truth (and believe me, there is more, so make sure to read on) Most insurance companies have been setting restrictions on Hepatitis C patients who are approved for Harvoni treatment. Patients allege their treatment claims have been denied because it is not “medically necessary.” According to documents filed in one of many lawsuits, the plaintiff was denied Harvoni treatment on the grounds that her liver was not damaged enough to warrant treatment. In other words, the plaintiff’ liver had to have significant enough damage to warrant treatment, even though the treatment is designed to prevent liver damage and despite the plaintiff’s doctor writing repeated letters on her behalf! PAGE 64 - PRINT EDITION SEPTEMBER 2017

Dear Petra: I have heard a lot of controversy on private sites claiming Sovaldi/Harvoni treatments may not actually “CURE” the virus. What say you? Dear Questioning: I looked again for the articles talking about this and, not surprising, they have since been pulled off the internet!? In my wee opinion, that ALWAYS means we are onto something and only adds heat under my butt! Grrr! There were a few news sources, though, that stated although it appears the virus no longer shows up in the bloodstream, it may still be wreaking havoc on the bodies organs. In other words, it seems to indicate some people are indeed getting sicker post treatment. Please read on …. People DYING … WTF???? Los Angeles, California Dear Petra: I have the same story as the 1000’s of others I have seen since Sovaldi/Harvoni came out in 2014. My brother had the Hep C virus, but it was being maintained. Then, he took the Harvoni treatment in June 2016. In July 2016 he was diagnosed with Liver Cancer, treated with the chemo embolization’s and it became more aggressive. He has now been told by his doctors there is nothing else they can do, but “get your affairs in order.” There must be something we can do to stop another family from losing a loved one to this horrible disease and subsequent new treatment choices. Dear Loving Sister: Hundreds if not thousands of these reports have just recently come to my awareness. I am so sorry for your plight. As I have pored over these reports, and been brought to my WWW.RECOVERYILLUSTRATED.COM

knees in uncontrollable tears, heart wrenching sobs deep within my soul, I could not help but think (over and over, like a recording) that if all these people are coming forward and putting into writing how their mother died, their son died, their wife became sicker and sicker, or how they themselves are suffering in the last weeks or even days of their lives, then how many more are there??? Not a lot of people take the time to write these claims, especially if it is not they themselves. I have done so , and relied on colleagues’ research, and discovered that perhaps the new Hepatitis C treatments are costing clients their lives, or making them sicker than before treatment. In many cases aggressive cancers are being reported within 2-3 days of starting the treatment (just one example). At this point, I am the only one in “the industry” that I am aware of who has brought this into the light of day and into the public awareness through my channel and my charity. A special colleague did recently come on the show and explain what he knows and believes. What is sad is that people believe their hands are tied and they do not want to “get them dirty” by speaking out. It is my job as a charity CEO to bring everything into the light of day, and to stand by the pledge that our primary mission is to “raise Global education and

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awareness.” I have nothing to lose and am not one to keep my big mouth shut. I will continue to tell the truth ….

“New Hepatitis C treatments are costing clients their lives.” The unfortunate bit of news here is that the PocketLIVE.tv platform is no longer funded, so we are totally open to receiving donations in order to continue bringing our opinion and insights (based on our own research) into the public eye. If you or anyone you know is thinking to go on treatment, we advise they do their due diligence and research prior to making that decision. Have your DNA markers checked for cancer or heart disease as well as other issues in your family tree. Petra aka Petrabilities is a Mental Health Counselor, Clinical Hypnotherapist, Broadcaster, Psychic Reader, Speaker, Author/Columnist and CEO of Hepatitis C Global Initiatives (#HepCGI). Also see her live broadcast every Saturday on: www.pocketlive.tv/live/petrabilities.html

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Discover Small To Live Big

Nora Slattery

ne of the big lessons I learned as a writer, a storyteller, was to think small. Not small as insignificant, or unimportant, but rather to see the details, observe the color of the fabric on the upholstered sofa, the light glinting through the glade of trees, the accented lilt of language, all details that could tell you the place and time and sometimes the point of the story. Think of movies or great books— the writer or director never sums up the action, they lay it out for you in bits, like crumbs in the forest that take you to the point. It is all about details.

where are you going? There do not have to be literal answers—but in order to give even half answers you have to draw on your memories, your story. I was very fortunate recently to see James Taylor, a singer and songwriter dogged by depression and addiction, perform in Memphis, Tennessee. He sang a song about a dark time in his very early 20’s when his father came to rescue him in New York in a station wagon and take him back home to North Carolina. Entitled Jump Up Beside Me, part of the chorus goes;

“We follow this road till we reach the sea, Even in the most positive of recovery stories, there is jump up behind me. at the edges a great sense of loss. Loss of ourselves, We’ll catch the tide and set old Dan free, our purpose, our opportunity ... and of course the loss jump up behind me.” we inflicted on others. Life fades or worse, goes black. What bleeds out of the picture are the wondrous The lyrics say nothing specific about the journey details, the memories of what has been good in our home, but you can recognized the emotional lives. We lose the plot of our own story. memories. In another part of the song his references are clearer: But is rediscovery possible? Is that part of the path back? I think so. “Felt like a festival and it felt like a Christmas morning, I teach writing as a recovery tool, to offer the power of Felt the darkness fall away storytelling as a way to write yourself back into your even as the world was turning on.” story. The work starts with writing exercises, prompts. He tells a story of his own redemption, in his own way. Sometimes very simple; describe the best day you I know, I know. If only we were all great songwriters, remember; what makes you laugh; where in the or artists or poets! But that’s not the point. It is only world do you feel at home. Simple, yes, and maybe obvious, but a hard assignment when you are at your because of the specifics—emotional and literal—that lowest point. I have met teens in recovery that, when you would ever believe the song, or be moved by it. It’s not the big picture that makes your life, it’s in the asked to recount a “best” day in life, say they have details. Recovery is all about discovery. Sometimes pretty slim pickings “I have no good stories to tell.” I the tiniest detail can take us on a journey back, and to sometimes get the same dismiss from older people, a way forward. That station wagon ride home. James “My best days are over, my memories are ruined.” As Taylor observed and captured and owned his story. I students, they might give me a polite smile but just don’t think that is beyond any of us. as likely a frown, and sometimes real resentment if they feel patronized. I don’t blame them. But I know Nora Slattery is a certified Journal to the Self instructor, everybody has worthy moments, just sometimes a program of therapeutic writing created by the Center for Journal Therapy. A business communicator and it takes questions that are less direct, and maybe speechwriter, she is in the UCLA Writers Program and is thinking that is more abstract. What amazes you? working on a memoir based on the military women of WWII. What is the color of beautiful? You are in a car, PAGE 66 - PRINT EDITION SEPTEMBER 2017

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The Misogynic Response to

“NO!”

Sheryle Cruse

boy or a man regarding any subject. Some have been called horrible names. Some have been beaten or raped. All have, in some way, felt invalidated and violated, simply because they dared to respond in an unpleasing manner. This is disturbing, as it questions any female whose response does not agree with a male who wants something from her that she doesn’t want to give.

nflattering misogyny often reveals itself whenever a female uses the controversial word: “no.”

The more I live my life, especially in the recovery context, the more I encounter a hostile reaction whenever I give this response. An attitude frequently surfaces, one which asserts that my “no” needs to be challenged until I agree with the male perspective and say “yes.” “No means no.” We hear that phrase a lot, especially when it comes to rape. The “no challenge” can also apply as a female navigates through other issues, like her recovery from both addiction and abuse experiences. Indeed, in this context, my “no” has been repeatedly disregarded; most of the time, the challenge has come from male family members, male friends and from those I have seen socially. It’s been rejected, confronted or questioned, and I have had to firmly state, “No is a complete sentence.”

Years ago, a self- defense expert instructing women on how to protect themselves against their attackers, stated two things which changed my life, “When a man says no, it’s the end of the discussion. But when a woman says no, it starts the process of negotiation,” and, “When a person does not accept your ‘no,’ they’re trying to control you.” Anyone who struggles with a history of addiction or abuse/trauma knows it is painfully difficult to live a healthier life, one which results from making better choices in his/her recovery. Unfortunately, concerning females, there can also be the additional complication of a male’s response to the facilitation of these positive decisions. This reality comes into view whenever a female’s choice butts heads with a male desire for control, power or domination. Misogyny: (/mɪˈsɒdʒɪni/) the hatred of, contempt for, or prejudice against women or girls. Misogyny can be manifested in numerous ways, including social exclusion, sex discrimination, hostility, androcentrism, patriarchy, male privilege, belittling of women, violence against women, and sexual objectification. Misogyny can occasionally be found within sacred texts of religions and mythologies, and various influential Western philosophers and thinkers have been described as misogynistic. ~ wikipedia

Still, concerning even that direct response, I have been further dismissed and coerced. The individual male in each situation attempts to sell his persuasion, charm or agenda as the reason why I should change my “silly no” to his “right yes.” When that doesn’t happen according to his liking, when my “no” is still unchanged, his response becomes more hostile. Name calling, emotional/physical I have had to repeatedly state how, no... intimidation and threats often come next. ... I did not want alcohol or drugs when it was clear My experiences are not unusual. Other women have my date wanted me to take them so I could be more similar encounters whenever they have said, “No” to a sexually pliable. PAGE 68 - PRINT EDITION SEPTEMBER 2017

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... I did not want to engage in a behavior which, not only went against my conscience and morals, but also was triggering to disordered image, eating and abuse experiences, including a male’s pressuring insistence that I diet and lose a drastic amount of weight. ... I would not change my decision concerning a family matter, to which I received an abusive verbal tirade from disagreeing male family members. Not every male responds this way. Still, the frequency with which a female experiences these negative responses appears to be the acceptable social norm. Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “Sow a thought and you reap an action; sow an act and you reap a habit; sow a habit and you reap a character; sow a character and you reap a destiny.” Whether or not we intend it, as individuals, and as a culture, we are teaching men to the challenge response to a female’s “no” by asserting principles such as: A female is inferior, incapable of knowing what is best for herself. This includes her body, her health and her well-being. A female’s “no” is her gender’s way of begging to have her decision changed. Therefore, do what is necessary until she relents with a “yes” response.

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A female’s “no” is never as important, valid or necessary as that of a man’s. Never accept this response the first time you hear it. Always question and try to change it. A female doesn’t possess the right to hold a perspective which is not pleasing to others, especially when it involves a male’s pleasure. A female is to be acquiescing and accommodating, never disagreeable. “Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.” ~ Matthew 5:37 Why should there be any discrepancy when it comes to the “no” response? If any acceptable attitude condoning an inequity of human value thrives, based on gender, then what are we living? Perhaps, the negative reaction has more to do with ignorance than it does malice. But, education—or miseducation—is no small matter. We do learn what we live. Regardless of gender, “‘No’ is a complete sentence.” “Author/speaker Sheryle Cruse tackles food, weight, value and image issues which are often found within disordered eating. She explores these topics, writing for both faith and recovery-focused publications, and in her book, Thin Enough: My Spiritual Journey Through the Living Death of an Eating Disorder.

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Discovering Trauma Scott Kiloby

rauma is one of the new buzz words in recovery. Studies and articles about it are popping up everywhere. Google the words “addiction and trauma” and you’ll see that researchers are linking unresolved trauma to addiction and chronic relapsing. But what is trauma exactly and how does one know if it is creating difficulties in one’s recovery? A good layman’s definition of trauma is any past event or events that were emotionally overwhelming, creating a sort of emotional shutdown in the body and mind. The emotion is not resolved or processed in a healthy way at the time. This shutdown results in the storing or repressing of the emotion in the body and mind and a fight, flight or freeze response that occurs whenever one encounters a trigger similar to the original event. The after-effects of trauma are sometimes labeled PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) by clinicians. Trauma is highly subjective. An event that might not bother one person might debilitate another.

Trauma may result from classically severe events like abuse or molestation but also from ridicule, judgment, abandonment or neglect by a parent or other loved one. Even a breakup in a relationship can create PTSD. One of the most challenging characteristics of trauma is that it can go undiagnosed and therefore unresolved for many years in recovery. One may not even know it is present during active addiction because drugs and alcohol keep it repressed. When it surfaces during recovery, it can overwhelm the system, creating a high risk of relapse. “Ben” was a client at my treatment center who had previously spent many years in the 12 step program, diligently working the steps. He had become quite a sought-after sponsor to many newcomers. Suddenly, old traumas began to resurface and he found himself unable to work through them with the steps. His life was put on hold as he found himself unable to cope. He was shocked to discover that none of his usual ways of working through issues were working with regard to this newly-resurfaced trauma. For a couple of years, he didn’t even know that trauma was at the root of his chronic relapsing. When Ben came to my center, we began to educate him on trauma and its link to addiction. We began working with his trauma with mindfulness, yoga, TRE and other eastern modalities. Finally, his traumas started to

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resolve and he began to find real freedom. Ben is not alone! Many people in recovery unknowingly struggle with unresolved trauma. Clinicians are beginning to discuss the limitations of counseling and therapy that center on talking or cognitive approaches that deal only with the mind. Trauma is held largely in the body. Therefore, somatic approaches such as the eastern modalities mentioned above may be the only real answer for some. Somatic approaches bring people into their bodies to help regulate emotions and uproot and dissolve repressed emotions that lie at the heart of trauma. If you are in recovery and are finding it difficult to work through various emotional issues, be on the lookout for unresolved trauma. Find a professional or treatment center that uses asomatic-based trauma resolution approach. Here are some of the symptoms of PTSD as published by Mayo Clinic: Intrusive memories Symptoms of may include: - Recurrent, unwanted distressing memories of the traumatic event - Reliving the traumatic event as if it were happening again (flashbacks)

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- Upsetting dreams or nightmares about the traumatic event - Severe emotional distress or physical reactions to something that reminds you of the traumatic event Avoidance Symptoms may include: - Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event - Avoiding places, activities or people that remind you of the traumatic event Negative changes in thinking and mood Symptoms may include: - Negative thoughts about yourself, other people or the world - Hopelessness about the future - Memory problems, including not remembering important aspects of the traumatic event - Difficulty maintaining close relationships - Feeling detached from family and friends - Lack of interest in activities you once enjoyed Scott Kiloby is a noted author, international speaker and the founder of the Kiloby Center for Recovery, Inc., the first addiction, anxiety and depression treatment center in U.S. to focus primarily on mindfulness. The Kiloby Center is located in Rancho Mirage, California. Visit their website at: www.kilobycenter.com or call 866-KILOBY-5

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Surrender, Who, Me?! Dr. Judy Redman

hen I first heard the word “Surrender!” I thought of someone with a gun at my back, my arms held over my head, while marching into the enemy’s camp. Or, even more realistic for me, surrendering to the police after six months of absconding. And it made even less sense that I would have to “surrender to win.” Like so many of those simple AA phrases, once again I was left baffled and confused. In my mind’s eye, surrender always meant “They won!” How do you make peace with such an emotionally charged word as “Surrender!”? As if I didn’t have enough to fight against, walking into recovery, I was now wrestling with the concept of surrender. I had just been released from jail, and the thought of surrendering elicited images of returning to the captures. There were times in life I went down, but I was so proud of the fact that it was never without a fight. I was a woman, but I was not weak. I stood for what I believed in, and I believed there were certain things you should always protect. One was your pride. You did not surrender, no matter what! The concept of surrender did not become a necessary and beautiful act for me until the day I visualized myself, standing in agony, so beaten down from my failures in life, feeling completely lost and alone, with my arms outstretched towards heaven. In my arms, I held all the things that were ripping me apart inside. All my resentments, ancient hatreds, addiction, pride, betrayal, and victimization were heavily battened

across my arms. So heavy was the load, pain seared through my back, legs, and arms. Holding onto it was killing me. I struggled under the weight, tears streaming down my face. I knew I could not bear the burden any longer. That is when the concept of surrender became my saving Grace. In my mind’s eye, I held the heavy load towards the heavens, and pleaded “Please, God, take it!” I was finally ready to surrender those things to my Higher Power. I knew that in order to be blessed, I had to surrender my old ways. I had to simply let go. If I dropped the load, I would be free from the pain of holding on. Suddenly, I just let go. I let those burdens drop. I did not have to wait for God to take them from me. I just had to let them go! This was one of those “spiritual awakenings” they talk about in the rooms. One of those times when things fell into place, and suddenly made perfect sense. How can something so significant and simple as the concept of surrender, become a battle ground of fear and confusion in my mind? I remember, before my spiritual awakening, I was so confused as to why these people were insisting that I become weak and surrender. I am so blessed to be capable of realizing that whatever burdens I have today, I know all I need to do is be mindful of the gift of surrender. The program has given me many gifts but, for me, surrender is one of the most important and useful ones. My spirit is able to soar because it is no longer laden with agonizing self-deceit. To find happiness, I just have to let go of the pain. Dr. Judy Redman has dedicated much of her personal and professional life to the betterment of the recovering community. She began her career as a Certified Substance Abuse Counselor in 2000 and is currently the Director of Education at Social Model Recovery Systems: www.socialmodel.com

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September

October

That warm and fuzzy feeling someone gives you is starting to grow into a hotter vibe—and not necessarily in a good way. There is some real friction going on between you two, and you don’t seem to be on the same page. The good news is that this tension doesn’t have to be scary. Disagreements do not signal the beginning of end—they’re just disagreements!

You’re feeling a little bit freaked out over recent news that broke before you were ready for the world to know—but this will be good in the long run. Smile and let people say what they will. You need to feel like part of something bigger, so get some volunteer time in or look into some spiritual business that appeals to you on a deep level. Be useful to others!

If you don’t know what’s going on this month, try to hover on the edges—you don’t want to dive in and find out the pool is empty! Your instincts start to click, and you’ll feel good about the next step. Swimming with sharks may be uncomfortable, but it has its benefits. Keep your eyes open and dive as deep as you can. You never know when you’ll find a pearl.

Your sense of who you are has been growing slowly but steadily, and you are already seeing the rewards of being more self-assured. You can look forward to it becoming effective in your career life, too. Your ambitions have been ambivalent lately, but soon you will finally see where you want things to go. Then you will start making them happen, so get ready!

You may spend so much time advancing at work that you seldom have time to be with your partner. Departures from the office for silly and playful moments will be invaluable. If you’re seeking new love in your life, try the 11th and 12th as times to step outside your comfort zone. Attending an event on your own may be scary, but you’ll meet many exciting people!

You’ve got a lot of ideas germinating, right now, but it’s going to take a concentrated effort to shape any one of them into something that you can make happen. Don’t let this frustrate you, though. You did the hard part—now all you have to do is wait. Wait for the right time, the right person, or the right opportunity to present itself. The wait will be worth it.

Friendship means different things to different people, so be careful you are not making too many assumptions about what a new friendship is all about. An unexpected comment could catch you off guard—they clearly have different ideas about what constitutes ‘a good time’. This might not necessarily be a deal-breaker, but it is something you should clarify.

Often it’s the quietest moment that carries the biggest impact . You won’t need thunder and lightening to know that you’ve come upon a huge revelation. The changes you want might not be the changes you need, so be open-minded about the conclusions you come to. They might not be what you expected or what you wanted, but they will be the best answer.

Your sign is known for its luck, and as the month begins, this is on display in your love life in a big way. This is a quiet but intense time, when you’re seriously thinking about a shared future. Singletons have the same luck going for them, too. The 18th and 19th are great times for meeting new dating partners who are really on your level.

Someone you thought you knew inside and out may surprise you by how they react to something this month. Their feelings might reveal some shocking things about their philosophies, but that doesn’t have to alter how you feel about them. You love and care about them for who they are, not whether or not they agree with you all the time, right?

You should fight your urge to be shy and hide in the background when all the hoopla gets going. You will have so much more fun if you’re loud. The people you hang out with this month don’t care about polite people—they want to be around interesting people! Show them how interesting you are by standing up and being counted.

All that lighthearted and flirtatious banter you’ve been having with that super-cute someone has been fun, but this month you should follow your urge to take things to the next level. Instead of skimming the surface, delve deep down into real substance, and see what you come up with. Is this person who you think they are?

Those in relationships may experience some turbulence, while singletons could find impatience getting them into some complicated spots. At least love is not boring now! Midmonth is a good time to settle down and look before any romantic leaps. Luck is on your side, harness your good instincts and your willingness to fearlessly go after what you want.

You take a lot of pride in getting the job done, so you don’t mind staying behind and working extra hours while everyone else enjoys their time off. While you don’t encounter a lot of stop signs this month, you might come across one or two that advise you to yield. It’s great that you have so many options in front of you but pause to smell the flowers too.

Your partner may be the voice of reason this month, trying to pare your guest list down from 100 to a sensible 10. If you’re single, try mixing it up with your various tribes. Work friends may be able to introduce you to someone exciting. Trying something new yields much better results when it comes to dating now. Save the 18th for rest and relaxation.

Big things are coming, but you are still in a holding pattern. While you wait, you need to be careful not to get your hopes too high—you cannot count those chickens before you hear them squawking! Letting your eagerness get the best of you is a big mistake. Wait until things happen before you figure out how you will react to them.

You seek stability this month—take a break from frivolous events and flaky people. Spend time with family members and friends you know well. The tried-and-true people in your life aren’t boring—they are comforting! Things that go the distance offer the most value, so if you’re looking for new furniture or clothing, shop at antique stores or vintage shops.

You are gifted with a talent for communication and any career changes ahead are all for the better. Engaging in chatter is what you do best and if you are in love it’s time to confess, as that awesome conversation has to take place before love can begin. If there isn’t an intellectual connection between the two of you, the relationship can at times be rocky.

The end of summer isn’t just a chance to get together with friends and family. It’s a chance to show off your home, and feel a strong bond of community with everyone around you, including your partner. If you’re single, you may find the 8th, 9th, and 10th conducive to starting up fascinating conversations with potential new dating partners.

You are a tad more impulsive than usual but the big news is you are taking on Saturn and opposing that stern taskmaster. You want your way and will use any means to achieve that end. With Neptune holding tight to your Tenth House you have decided that your career must have more personal meaning, and look for more authenticity in all areas of your life.

You have the wonderful ability to bring people together, so you may find that groups of people evolve around you, or you may simply be drawn to groups or societies. Your popularity is surging this month, so when teams are chosen, you’re going to be one of the first picks. Don’t be intimidated by the extra attention—soak up every drop of it.

This should be a dreamy and surreal month. You are on a spiritual journey. You will feel more sensitive and can use this time to further develop any psychic talents. The plight of others in the world less fortunate than yourself will be of more concern. You should find that others are drawn to you in mysterious ways that neither of you can put your finger on.

You could find your eyes roving at certain intervals during this month of sexy and dangerous romance. If single you are feeling the lucky vibrations and could do something totally out of character, believing anything is possible. As the end of the month approaches, you should feel like you finally have achieved the intimacy that you so deeply desire.

This month has a tremendously complex set of influences to untangle. Overall, the next few weeks should be productive enough but may also be quite draining. This can be a time of culmination of previous hard work and you will be able to act with authority and come away with a good sense of self-satisfaction.

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