Step 12 Magazine A Message of Hope in Recovery by Step 12 Magazine

Magazine Ste[p12 The Miracle of

NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016

ISSUE NO. 19

Carrying A Message of Hope in Recovery

Acceptance

Accepting Acceptance by Mendi Baron

It’s A Matter Of Choice by Denise Krochta

Running Around The House Naked by Suzanne Whang

INSIDE:

* Horoscopes * Puzzles * Recovery Resources * Humor Page * Newcomer’s Page

Acceptance Is As Acceptance Does by Jim Anders

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Inside This Issue

Features

6 Cover Story: The Miracle of Acceptance

36 The Fifth Reality: The Wrath Experience

40 True Recovery

by Jami DeLoe

Accepting the Challenge

Dr. Judi Hollis - Food Obsessions

by Susan Jackson - The Seven Realities of the Addicted Family by Michele Downey

10 Healing Yourself with Acceptance

42 Acceptance Is As Acceptance Does

12 Forgiveness

43 Accepting Acceptance

14 Mindfulness Meditation 101

44 Who Are You?

15 A Heart Full Of Reverence

45 Writing Your NOW Story

16 It’s a Matter of Choice

46 A Spiritual Good Time Charlie

22 Life: Third Time Is A Charm

48 The Pursuit of Happiness

24 Accepting the Unacceptable

49 How Do We Know We’ve Found Acceptance?

26 Dear Petra Questions and Answers

50 Life Shows Up

28 An Addict By Any Other Name

52 Death Diaries for Patients

30 Easy Does It

53 Someone Amazing

34 PROFILE: London Rebecca Reber

54 Running Around The House Naked

by Carol Teitelbaum - It Happens to Boys Darlene Lancer on Codependency by Courtney Lopresti

by Tom Bliss and Alexandra Katehakis by Denise Krochta

Dan Sanfellipo - Unlocked for Life by Lori Nelson

by Petra Hoffmann - Expert Answers about Hep-C and Addiction by Vicki Abelson

by Terra Schaad - Mindfulness by Nathalie Baret

Regular Stuff 5 7 7 9 11 18 20 21 27

Letter from the Editor Letter from the Publisher Random Thoughts Quotes Metaphorically Speaking Newcomer’s Page Movie Reviews with Leonard Lee Buschel Self Assessment Questions Book Reviews

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by Jim Anders

by Mendi Baron - The Teen Corner by Dr. Phyllis and Rev. Carrol Davis by Nora Slattery

by Mark Masserant by Judy Redman

by Michelle Ghirelli by Kyczy Hawk

by Dr. Roneet Lev

by Roni Askey-Doran

by Suzanne Whang - It’s a WHANGderful Life

32 37 38 47 51 55 57 58

Puzzles Resources for Families Reader Contributions Recovery Online We Asked, You Answered Humor Recovery Trivia Horoscopes

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Letter from the Editor acceptably yours,

Roni Askey-Doran This wonderful word acceptance is one of those enormous convoluted all-encompassing, yet simple words that touches every aspect of our lives all of the time. From the moment we rise each morning, that very first glance at ourselves in the mirror demands self-acceptance. Without it, where would we be? It took me a long time to love and accept that reflection in the mirror completely and unconditionally. You can read more about that journey of discovery on page 53. Self-acceptance is one of the hardest things we face in recovery. But when we find true acceptance of self, we also learn that it comes with a wonderful sense of freedom we never before imagined. Over the past year, I’ve had to learn to accept numerous life events that are painful and heart-breaking. The hardest one is losing my father to Alzheimer’s. His body lives and breathes, but his mind is gradually being consumed by this horrible disease. He no longer recognizes the people who love him the most. The strong capable man I once worshipped is no longer there. This means, at some point, I will lose him again .... Regardless of how well I understand and find ways to accept it, there is nothing that will prepare me for the heartache to come.

Ste[p12 Magazine TM

Publisher:

Karen VanDenBerg karen@Step12magazine.com 760-898-8354

Editor:

Roni Askey-Doran editor@Step12magazine.com

Account Manager:

Ness Ernst Ness@Step12Magazine.com 760-828-3451 P.O. Box 5677 Oceanside CA 92052

Mailing Address:

How to Receive Step 12 Magazine Electronic Version

Printed Copy

Pick up a copy at any distribution location Subscribe for Home Delivery ($18/year) page 36 or online

Acceptance isn’t easy, but without it, how do we go on? I’d like to wish everyone a very happy holiday season, and hope that yours is filled with gifts of love and laughter, that you enjoy the precious time spent with family and friends, and that each moment is cherished.

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NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016 - 5

The Miracle of Acceptance by Jami DeLoe

There are no two ways about it; we all wish we could change some things in our lives. This is especially true of those in recovery. We wish we could change the past, things we said or did, even our current circumstances, progress, or feelings. In recovery, though, we quickly learn that not all things are changeable. The Serenity Prayer tells us we need to “accept the things we cannot change,” and we need to—for our sanity, peace of mind, and emotional sobriety. Acceptance has played a huge role in my recovery, and I’ve seen the difference it’s made in the recovery of others. When we live in denial, we can’t grow and heal, which makes sobriety even harder than it already is. It makes us feel stuck and unable to move. But when we live in acceptance, we are better able to stay sober, live happily, and be fulfilled. Recovery is a time of continuous learning, bearing with it many lessons. Sometimes those lessons are absorbed quickly and easily, but other times they are hard-fought and seem to take forever. The lesson of acceptance has often been the latter for me, something I’ve had to work hard for—and sometimes still have to work hard to maintain. I’ve learned a lot about acceptance along the way, though, and when I remember the following things my life is better, my recovery is stronger, and my outlook is happier. It is what it is. There are so many things out of our control. The faster we learn to accept that things are what they are and they’re just the way they’re supposed to be at the moment, the faster we will come to know peace. I have to remember this when life gets me down and I am wishing for different circumstances; this was very difficult for me in early recovery. I would see other people who had longer sobriety than me. They were happy and spiritually fit, and I wanted to be in the same place. Clearly that wasn’t possible, and I had to learn to accept my own progress was right where it was supposed to be. It’s a process. Acceptance doesn’t come all at once. Nothing could be truer when it came to accepting my past. I wanted so much for my past to be different—before, during, and after my active drinking. The fact that I couldn’t change any of it, no matter how desperately I wanted to, was hard to swallow, even though the pain of wishing caused much suffering. Acceptance of my past only came gradually, bit by

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bit, even though I became willing to learn acceptance. I had to be patient with myself and my recovery, and I had to celebrate even the tiniest progress. You don’t have to like it. I really hated it when a therapist said that to me about acceptance. She explained that acceptance doesn’t mean you condone what happened to you or you approve of how you handled it. You don’t have to like the things you become accepting of, you just have to do it. It makes perfect sense that letting go of the things that cause anger, sadness, or regret would improve my life, but it was still difficult to hear, and equally hard to do. It’s healing. When you learn to accept the things you cannot change, some miraculous things happen. You begin to see that you are able to cope in a healthy way, no matter what life throws at you. You are able to be mindful—in the present moment, not regretting the past or worrying about the future. You can handle stresses that you couldn’t before. You are able to stop falling into old behaviors that no longer serve you well. You can deal with strong emotions and develop deeper relationships with others. You become emotionally sober and feel optimistic about life. It’s a beautiful and healing progression. Acceptance in recovery has taught me I can live life on life’s terms. I don’t have to live at the mercy of my past, and I don’t have to be overly concerned about the future. I can live here and now, and know I’m right where I’m supposed to be.

“Acceptance doesn’t mean you condone what happened...” Contact Step 12 Magazine at 760-898-8354

Letter from the Publisher

We’ve Got Mail! Letters from our Readers

Hi Karen,

I chose the theme of Acceptance for this issue because it’s the holiday issue, which makes me think of gifts. Giving and receiving gifts. There are gifts under the tree, gifts of family and friends, gifts of celebration and gifts of thanks. The gifts I had in mind when selecting the theme are the gifts of recovery. Accepting the gifts of recovery can be challenging, because it usually involves change! As a result, there’s not a lot of holiday content in this issue. Acceptance is something we live with on a daily basis—365 days a year. So I want to take a moment to wish everyone a wonderful holiday season. No matter where you are, who you’re with, or what you’re doing, please accept that life has an abundance of joy for everyone. We simply need to focus on the blessings more than the challenges and accept the gifts in whatever form they are presented. I have difficulty with that sometimes, but with practice, I’m getting better.

My name is Cipriano L. I am a resident at the FellowShip center in Escondido. a few weeks ago you dropped off your magazines for us. I did not know who you were when I met you that day, however you still left an impression with me. I Love your magazine!! I have been in recovery for 6 mos and at the fellowship for 3. It is very informative, inspiring, and well organized. I met Ness Ernst at the “Recovery Happens” at Liberty Station on the 17th of Sept. and praised her on how I loved all that you all are doing. I played and sang with the FellowShip band that day. Just wanted to drop you a line and tell you how Tremendous you are and how blessed we are for having you in our lives Best Regards, Cipriano L Send your letters to: karen@Step12magazine.com

Thank you for allowing me to be part of your journey and for being part of mine. Respectfully and Enthusiastically,

Karen VanDenBerg

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NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016 - 7

Experience, Strength, and Hope For People Struggling with Food Obsession

Accepting the Challenge Q: Since we can’t abstain from eating, how does someone accept ideas of flexibility with food plans? A: The most common threads are honesty and accountability. In early recovery, we struggle to accept that the smaller portions we are expected to eat will sustain us—they seem so much less than we think are adequate. The rigid food plans recommended in treatment centers omit most sugars and refined carbohydrates. Initially, this kind of eating is recommended in order to get the Newcomer’s attention. When we go through the process of weighing and measuring our healthy portions, we see how much excess we had been previously consuming. This was true for me. To my relief, this rigidity is not recommended as a lifetime food plan. That gets worked out with the step-by-step guidance of a sponsor. Over long periods, as the person changes, their attitudes and obsession with food also changes so they can handle some flexibility. For myself and others, it has been difficult to accept that we can relax a bit. Most of us are initially scared of that relaxation but, without trying it, we end up white-knuckling it. So, with guided practice, we find if we slip into old habits of overeating, we are able to ease back to the baseline of rigidity for a while. We eventually approach some kind of normalcy. These ideas are not to be tried at home alone, but only in consultation with another recovering person. Q: When you started losing weight, did you feel recovered? A: It is very easy to accept the good news of recovery and relish the compliments and admiration of others, but there are also

some losses. Eventually the accolades and congratulations will diminish. Your old and new friends will just start expecting you to be in your new body. Sometimes that will feel like loss and abandonment. If not addressed and accepted, this could result in regaining lost weight. Men who are accustomed to having a commanding larger presence have to accept fitting in with the crowd in a normal body. They need to seek an internal power which is actually what true recovery is all about. Q: How did you adjust to your new body image? A: We are often so accustomed to seeing a certain image in the mirror it’s very difficult to accept positive body changes. After coming down from wearing size eighteen to size ten, I spent two years buying size twelve pants and taking them to the tailor for alterations. I had difficulty accepting myself as a size ten person. I grew up in the Marilyn Monroe era and she wore size twelve. In those days, size ten was considered skinny, and that was something I couldn’t accept. It was suggested I try on a size ten and I started shaking. Accompanied by a helpful, supportive friend, I tried on the tens and haven’t looked back. The fit of my jeans continues to be more honest than the view from my eyes or the talk from my head. Q: Do you think unconditional self-love and acceptance is important before true recovery can begin—regardless of size? A: Loving yourself is not a requirement for getting started. Action is! I recommend getting busy doing something and then later evaluate your feelings about yourself. If we waited until we felt good about ourselves, many of us would never begin. Taking action in one area (diet, exercise, mindful eating, loving kindness) will influence all the other areas. Love and acceptance of self comes from practicing new behaviors that make us admire our actions. The deeper feeling of being comfortable in your own skin and loving yourself (flaws and all) comes much later. © 2015 Dr. Judi Hollis is a Licensed Family Therapist, author of several books and educational materials, motivational speaker, radio and television expert. Judi would love to hear from you! You can ask Judi questions and access her materials, at www.judihollis.com or call 1-800-8-ENOUGH

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Famous Quotes abou

t ... ACCEPTANCE

“If you live for people’s acceptance, you will die from their rejection.” ~ Lecrae “Happiness can live only in acceptance.” ~ George Orwell

“Your need for acceptance can make you invisible in this world ... risk being seen in all your glory.” ~ Jim Carrey

“It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it.” ~ Aristotle “Acceptance, tolerance and forgiveness, those are life-altering lessons.” ~ Jessica Lange “Remind yourself that you cannot fail at being yourself.” ~ Wayne Dyer “Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.” ~ JK Rowling “The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.” ~ Carl Gustav Jung

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NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016 - 9

Healing Yourself with Acceptance

by Carol Teitelbaum, MFT

Male survivors are asked to blindly accept the messages they receive about the requirements for being a real man, even though those messages cause them pain, loneliness, isolation, shame, and fear. Some of these messages keep men from making connections with their own children and partners. What are those messages? “Be strong, buck up, it doesn’t hurt, be a man, don’t cry, don’t be vulnerable, don’t be a sissy or act like a girl, protect yourself and everyone in your charge.” These messages are conveyed to boys from the moment they learn language. These are not healthy messages for men, and we must help change them in our own homes, communities and schools. So many parents tell their boys not to cry, or be angry. It is essential for men to be seen as human beings with feelings, tears, laughter, anger, sadness and vulnerability, as well as strength, courage and perseverance. My group and I speak at middle and high schools helping teenage boys speak up and release the secrets they have been carrying around for years. One of the survivors in our group, who is a manly man often starts shedding tears as he shares stories about his past relationship with his children. At this point in his life, the tears are gratitude for his progress and the current relationship he has with his children. As he is speaking, someone runs to get him a tissue and we explain, “When someone in a group setting is getting in touch with their feelings and shedding tears, please don’t rush for the tissues. Someone who is crying is in their feeling space, not thinking much, just feeling. When a tissue is handed over the unconscious mind interprets that message as: “I should not be crying or I better stop crying or be able to clearly describe why I am crying.” Then, they come out of their feelings and go back into their usual thoughts. What survivors need is a compassionate listener, someone to validate their experiences. After we leave a school, we get thank-you cards from the students and every year we get some that say “Thank you, Daniel, for showing us what a real man is.”

One year at our It Happens to Boys Conference, a speaker asked the audience to name five good things about men. It was a sad moment. A veil of silence fell over the room for (and I timed it) two full minutes. Then, a hand shot up in the back of the room and the young man said, “I know, I know, Tomas Edison invented the light bulb.” To think, a room full of 250 people and the only good thing that could be said about men was an invention? Let’s work on this as a healing community. Men, I challenge you to start sharing the positive qualities you have with others, and say positive things about other men. Women, stop pumelling your sons with negative be a real man messages. Men, heal yourselves with acceptance so you can become positive role models for your sons and daughters.

© Carol Teitlebaum, MFT is a Psychotherapist in private practice in Rancho Mirage, Calif. She is also the founder of Creative Change Conferences and It Happens to Boys Program. She offers free group counseling to men and teen boys who have been sexually abused as children, and a yearly conference bringing well known experts in the field of trauma, addiction and recovery together creating a two day healing community. For more information go to CreativeChangeConferences.com or call 760-346-4606

ELECTION DAY NOVEMBER 8

g Accepstiinbility Respon 10 - NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016

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Metaphorically Speaking

By Karen VanDenBerg

Manure Happens It’s not something you see every day in the heavily populated area of Southern California. However, in more rural parts of the country, it’s common to be whif-matized by its pungeant, yet sweet-smelling essence long before you’re close enough to step in it. During a brisk walk on a sunny day, my friend was heading back to her house. She wasn’t alone. She was returning with a friend after a day at the local farmer’s market. They walked in the door, put down their packages and my friend promptly dug out her shovel and headed back out of the gate towards town. Her friend asked what she was doing. “I’m not going to leave those cow-patties in the middle of the road,” she replied. So, with shovel in hand, she walked back to the place where she’d seen the fresh piles of cow dung, scooped them into her shovel and carried them back to her garden. This metaphor is more than just “one man’s junk is another man’s treasure.” Even when there is shit in the middle of the road, we really don’t want to acknowledge it. We walk around it. We pretend

it isn’t there. We effectively block it from our view. It goes to waste. It just ends up festering, rotting, and feasted upon by mother nature’s amazing ecosystem. But without fail, it is recycled and reborn as the same shit—different manifestation. Instead of allowing that to happen, my friend faced the piles of poop on her journey and she scooped them up and took ownership of them. After the patties dried out, she broke them down, split them up into smaller more manageable pieces, and spread them around her garden. They’ve been processed. As a direct result of handling the unpleasantness with energy and purpose, she will have a garden of vegetables rich in nutrients that will feed her body and soul. That’s how it seems to work. When we take care of stinky messes on our path and see the potential for new growth in the aftermath, we blossom. The next time you come across some bullshit in the road, remember … you can either step in it, step around it, or scoop it up and put it to good use. Our gardens can flourish.

Metaphorically Speaking is a regular column in Step 12 Magazine designed to help us connect our spiritual journey to worldly situations. Something to think about.

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Darlene Lancer

CODEPENDENCY Forgiveness

Codependents often forgive and forget, and continue to put themselves in harm’s way. They forgive and then rationalize or minimize their loved one’s abuse or addiction. This is their denial. They may even contribute to it by enabling. We should never deny, enable, or condone abuse.

Real Forgiveness

Real forgiveness doesn’t mean we forget or condone another’s actions. In fact, we may decide to never see the person again. Nor does it mean we justify or play down the hurt caused. When we hold a grudge, hostility can sabotage our ability to enjoy the present and our future relationships. It actually has negative health consequences. It raises blood pressure, impairs digestion, and creates psychological symptoms, such as anxiety, depression, and mental and physical pain. True forgiveness improves mental and physical functioning. We let go of resentment, releasing us from obsessive or recurring negative thoughts and any desire for revenge or that misfortune comes to the other person. Empathy and understanding help us forgive. We can then attempt to rebuild trust and may set boundaries around our partner’s conduct in the future. We’re able to make constructive changes and move on in peace.

The Timing of Forgiveness Forgiveness too soon may deny anger needed for change. Justified anger affirms our self-respect and motivates us to protect ourselves with appropriate boundaries. It helps us cope with grief and let go. It can smooth the progress of separation from an abuser. If we’ve been betrayed or rejected, it’s natural to feel pain. We need to experience it and cry without self-judgment. We need time to feel the hurt and loss and to heal. Once, we feel safe and have gone through the stages of loss, it’s easier to forgive. Denial can make us forgive too soon or block forgiveness altogether. Denying, including minimization and rationalization, that someone is an addict or abuser encourages us to continually accept broken promises, avoid setting boundaries, or stay in a toxic relationship. Denying that a loved one isn’t the ideal we want or imagined only feeds our disappointment and resentment. Accepting reality opens the door to acceptance and forgiveness. If forgiveness is withheld too long, it can impede completing the stages of grief and lead to bitterness. Many codependents are uncomfortable with feeling or showing anger. Instead, they’re preoccupied with resentment and replay negative scripts and events in their minds. Resentment can disappear when we give ourselves permission to allow our feelings of anger and sadness to flow.

How to Forgive It takes conscious reflection, a decision, and often prayer to let go and forgive. The following are some suggestions: • Be sure to work through the stages of grief. • Keep in mind that forgiveness relieves you of pain. It’s medicine for you. • Think about the ways that resentment negatively holds you back and affects your life. • Consider your contribution to the situation. • Try to see the person’s behavior and attitude from his or her point-of-view in the context of their life experience. Did he or she intentionally try to hurt you? In other words, develop empathy, but this doesn’t justify abuse or mean you should forget they’re capable of repeating it. • Praying for the other person is effective.

Self-Forgiveness Sometimes we must forgive ourselves before we’re ready to forgive someone else. We often blame others when we feel guilty. We can hold onto resentment to avoid accepting responsibility for our actions or to avoid feeling guilty. Although it’s important to reflect upon and take responsibility for our contribution to the problem, we need to forgive ourselves for any part we played. It may be harder to forgive ourselves than someone else.

Reconciliation Reconciliation may or may not follow forgiveness. Sometimes, we must clearly recognize that the person we care about won’t change. Letting go of unrealistic expectations sets the stage for acceptance of reality. We may decide to continue the relationship on less intimate terms or with different boundaries that protect you. The other person might not be willing to forgive us. Other people’s anger hurts them, and our anger hurts us. Remember that forgiveness increases our integrity and peace of mind. It heals the cracks in our heart.

Darlene Lancer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author, and an expert on relationships and codependency. Contact Darlene directly at info@darlenelancer.com or follow her blogs on www.whatiscodependency.com, also on Facebook at: https://www.facebook.com/darlene.lancer, and on Twitter: @DarleneLancer.

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NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016 - 13

Mindfulness Meditation 101

by Courtney Lopresti, M.S.

Think about the word meditation. What do you see? Maybe you picture a dark room. Incense. People sitting crosslegged, clearing their minds of all earthly worries. Maybe you think about highly trained monks, the kind who are so adept at the task they can change their body temperature.

What makes mindfulness so good for you? Some experts believe that the benefits arise from being able to accept the negatives in life without judgment. For instance, people who struggle with addiction may agonize over their drug cravings, wondering if a relapse is imminent or if they don’t deserve sobriety. With mindfulness meditation, it becomes easier to see drug cravings for what they are: an unpleasant sensation that won’t last forever.

Thankfully, meditation isn’t nearly as complex—or intense— as popular culture might suggest. Not only can anyone How do you meditate? meditate, but researchers have found that mindfulness meditation can help people combat mental illness, addiction Mindfulness meditation requires no special equipment, nor does it require an ability to sit still. You don’t need to clear and even chronic pain. your mind, change your heart rate or purchase any special What is mindfulness meditation? incense. All you need to do is practice. Mindfulness meditation has nothing to do with clearing your • Find a quiet, calm environment and sit down. If you want, mind and everything to do with listening to what your mind you can close your eyes, but you don’t need to. has to tell you. Specifically, mindfulness meditation involves focusing your attention on the present moment and accepting • Focus on your breathing. How does the air feel when it flows through your nostrils? How much does your stomach each thought or sensation without judgment. move with each inhale and exhale? Headspace, a digital meditation service, likens mindfulness meditation to watching cars speed down the highway. • If you lose concentration, gently redirect your thoughts back Each car represents a thought or emotion, whether positive to your breathing. (relaxation, happiness, food) or negative (sadness, anxiety, • With time, expand your focus from your breath to the rest pain). Our automatic response is to run into this metaphoric of your body. Can you feel how your body rests on the chair traffic to chase down all the positive cars and stop all the or ground beneath you? Can you feel your tongue in your negative cars; an exhausting if not impossible task. During mouth? mindfulness meditation, the goal is to watch each car drive • Try to avoid judging any thoughts or sensations. Experience by, acknowledge the thought or feeling attached to that car, them, acknowledge them, and then let them drive down the and let it continue on its way. road away from you. Why is mindfulness meditation good for you?

People who practice mindfulness meditation often report they feel more engaged with the world around them. They also report a decrease in depression and anxiety symptoms, instead finding they are able to more easily cope with adverse events.

Meditation can seem frightening, especially at first—it’s not easy to sit alone with your own thoughts. With practice, however, mindfulness meditation can help you live a calmer, less anxious life. Try spending just ten minutes today being a little more mindful. You won’t regret it.

These benefits are more than anecdotal. Researchers from Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore, Maryland, conducted an extensive, quantitative analysis on forty-seven trials which studied the effect of meditation on the brain. All of the studies were rigorously conducted and contained no visible bias. From their analysis, the researchers found that mindfulness meditation can significantly reduce the severity of psychological stressors including anxiety, depression and pain. “Clinicians should be aware that meditation programs can result in small to moderate reductions of multiple negative dimensions of psychological stress,” wrote the researchers.

Courtney Lopresti, M.S., is a senior staff writer for Sovereign Health, where she uses her scientific background to write online blogs and articles for a general audience. Contact the author at news@sovhealth.com. For more information on Sovereign Health, visit www.sovhealth.com

14 - NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016

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A Heart Full Of Reverence

by Tom Bliss & Alexandra Katehakis excerpted from Mirror of Intimacy

To have a heart full of reverence for all that exists is the secret principle of acceptance. And acceptance is an infinite loop: if you revere life, you can accept reality; and only when you accept reality can you revere life. You must jump right in to this acceptance loop, but it’s not that hard. In fact, it’s impossible to take your deepest breath and refuse life in that same moment. Acceptance is objective empathy—the belief that everything that is deserves to exist or it would never have come into being. So even before our choice, discrimination, and intention come into play, we must practice acceptance. A first step is to acknowledge that there are no good people and no bad people; there are only people whose experiences taught them to cope the best they can. But acceptance doesn’t mean approval, advocacy, indulgence, or submission. We don’t let the universe toss us into the tide of another’s creed or being which may be hateful and damaging to us. Acceptance simply ushers into our awareness what already exists. And by affirming the livingness of others, we spring to life. The result of acceptance is connection to your world, which allows a connection to the very center of your most secret self. This linkage

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frees your ability for deeper experience and feeling. It invites your self-awareness to help you enter into a co-regulated partnership with another that may contain preference patterns and arousal templates different from your own. Acceptance is a precursor to the most potent intimacy, and acts as a lightning rod for sexual ignition, because the cosmically connected, overflowing energy in your body is evident to attuned others. Through the widening empathy engendered by ever-greater acceptance, you overflow to feel your lover feeling your own overflowing body. Daily Healthy Sex Acts Who accepts you unconditionally? Do you accept yourself? Think of all the moments when someone’s acceptance affected your life. We may not approve of everyone, but we can accept and love people unconditionally as others have loved us despite our faults. Accept yourself. Accept your life. Accept your feelings and fate. Today, walk in the world with loving acceptance of all you perceive. Know that there is a greater meaning beyond the superficial veil of existence, and that acceptance for all that is, despite our biases and inherited narratives, is the key to greater perception of that meaning.

NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016 - 15

It’s a Matter of Choice

by Denise Krochta

I have a loved one who has been in my life forever . Her life choices were unacceptable to me. For a long time, any time I had to be around her or make decisions regarding her, my body would tense, my stomach would get queasy, and I projected all kinds of bad things to happen. It totally affected my physiology and temperament. After I learned and embraced the concept of acceptance and stopped trying to get her to be someone I wanted her to be, all that stopped. She did not change. I changed. My time spent with her these days are pleasant, enjoyable, and not about me. I choose to accept who she is and appreciate the best parts of her.

The other day, I was visiting with a friend whom I hadn’t seen for almost a year. I told her I was about to write an article on acceptance. Without hesitation she said, “Life-changing.” Acceptance. What a concept! This is something we humans often have great difficulty understanding. We like to feel we have influence on everything and everyone in our lives. It’s our right and our duty. As one who has loved numerous addicts and alcoholics most of my adult life, I can tell you that acceptance didn’t enter my realm of thought for a very long time. Speaking for myself (although I know I represent thousands of loved ones everywhere), addiction in my family was not acceptable and I was going to do everything in my power to make sure it was gone from our family as soon as possible. It wasn’t until I realized how little power I really had with this issue, did I begin to think about the concept of acceptance. I spent the majority of my time trying to figure out how to change others and make them see things my way—the right way, of course. It was a difficult lesson to learn and it took a long time, but I did finally get that I could have spent my time much more wisely. It was not a matter of just accepting others and their choices,which is a very difficult thing to do, it was more than that. It was also releasing judgements, and understanding that everyone is unique and their perspectives are often different than ours. In my world, I can offer two very specific examples of how being able to accept who people are and how what is was life-changing for me.

My second example is something that many of us loved ones will relate to. When we discover addiction in our world, we often feel guilt that we’ve done something to cause this. Even when we know deep down inside this is probably not the case, that thought often stays in the back of our minds. We are embarrassed to share our troubles and often suffer in silence. When I released my book to help people with tools and strategies to cope with loving an addict, two major things happened to me. First, people who had been keeping the same secret came and thanked me for the tools and also for giving them someone to talk to who would not judge them. They felt accepted. It was life-changing for some of them.

“It was life-changing for some of them.“ The other thing that happened was that I received letters and emails from people telling me what a bad parent I must have been to have a child who had trouble with substance abuse. At first each letter pushed me back into the mode of guilt. After over six years of writing on the topic of loving those with mental health and substance use and misuse issues, hosting my radio show with experts on the topic, and advocating for this population, I’d like to say I am secure in what I do and why I do it. But, just this week I ran into a situation which had a very surprising effect on me and made me wonder about my ability to embrace the concept of acceptance. Someone very close to me was questioned by a family member whom he loves dearly, why he would want to associate with someone like me, who has addiction in the family. Momentarily, it took me back to when I first got those letters. I realize now how important it is to accept ourselves first and foremost, without judgement, to be able to truly move on .... Life-changing!

Denise, who has dealt with addicts in her family most of her adult life, moved into crisis mode when she discovered that her teenage son was addicted to prescription drugs along with alcohol and street drugs. Hers is a story of discovery and recovery. Her career in International business took her to places around the globe where meeting people and learning their values and traditions has become an integral part of her life. Websites: www.addictsfamilylifeline.com and www.denisekrochta.com

16 - NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016

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NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016 - 17

Newcomer’s Page Reducing Stress with the “Acceptance Button”

We all have buttons easily accessed by our loved ones. Imagine if we had a button giving instant acceptance of what is that initiates a calm response—no defensive or attacking reactions, no hate, no drama, just the willingness to see things for what they are and then act in a healthy way for you and your family.

Growing up in a culture where people had a difficult time letting go of things not working out their way left me feeling guilty and ashamed when I didn’t take the path my parents choose for me. I felt I was a disappointment to my parents. As I have gotten older and studied holistic health care, I’ve realized the importance of not carrying guilt and shame. For years, I have worked diligently to create inner peace, healthy perspectives and lifestyle. Why? Because I want to be healthy, positive and HAPPY! In June, Orlando, FL faced a horrific shooting. I believe if we are better able to accept each other’s differences, ourselves, and our children as they are, there would be less hurt. No matter what the motivation of the gunman’s attack, had he grown up in a loving household where he was taught to respect himself and others, would he have been driven to commit such a heinous act? Lack of acceptance leads us into inner conflict, frustration, anger and self-destruction. I have seen children raised with inner conflicts due to cultural differences. It is up to parents to assimilate, then help their children integrate, not just expect their children to cope with the traditions of the past.

by Kristin Wilhite, HHP

Having witnessed the sadness my family experienced from not knowing how to accept what is, I became an overaccepter. Resentment, emotional pain, resistance, and lack of forgiveness nearly tore my family apart. I am an empath, I felt it all—no matter how much my parents thought they could shelter me from it. My tolerance for unhealthy behavior led me into many experiences I wish I’d never had. In my adult life, I have chosen to learn tools to forgive, accept, connect, nurture, communicate, and not be co-dependent! Of course, these experiences taught me a lot, including how not to do it. Putting up with abuse never served my highest good. It only served the part of me that wanted to perpetuate my guilt, resentment, anger and pain. I made a conscious decision to stop cause and change! I say this solely because I want you to know, just like happiness is a choice, so is living with negativity and self-destruction. At this point in my life, I am careful with who I allow into my circle and how I go about my day. I choose to be conscious of my actions, my words, my energy and how I treat others. There is great value in honoring that there is more than one method to get from Point A to Point B. My husband and I do things differently. If I judged him for how he does it differently, there would be unnecessary drama in our lives. I have seen this kind of drama drive people to the demise of their marriage. It’s important that we accept each other’s unique way we do things. Rarely are we ever going to think alike, and when we do—it sure is entertaining. But when we don’t, we look to honor each other’s ways. The more we can allow others to be themselves, the more they will feel confident in knowing we trust them, which is the foundation of respect, and ultimately LOVE. Kristin Wilhite, HHP is the Owner/Founder of www.SustainableHolistic.com DBA Progressive Holistic Living: Providing Professional Holistic Health Care Since 1995. Check out her online class “Put the Happy in the Holidays” To Relieve your Holiday Blues. Info: http://www.sustainableholistic.com/Depression%20Solutions/remove-holiday-blues.

Newcomer’s Checklist aDon’t Take That First Drink or Drug aMake Plenty of Meetings aCall Sponsor aHang out with People in Recovery aFocus on the Positive aTalk about your Feelings 18 - NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016

aBeware of People, Places, & Things aTake One Day at a Time aAsk Higher Power for Help aStay out of “Your Head” aMove a Muscle, Change a Thought aRead the Literature Contact Step 12 Magazine at 760-898-8354

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NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016 - 19

with Leonard Lee Buschel

The Girl On The Train

and possessive, although Tom also looks a bit clenched. Not as clenched as Kamal (Edgar Ramírez), however, who is Megan’s superhot shrink. Rachel will later enroll as a patient of Kamal’s. Stay with me here. It so happens that Rachel, who is obsessed with her ex, takes a twice-daily train ride that passes the house where Tom and Anna live. One day, she—Rachel, not Anna— sees, or thinks she sees, a woman with blond hair, who could be Megan, although she might be mistaken for Anna, kissing a man with dark hair, who could be Scott, Tom, Kamal, or possibly the FedEx delivery guy, on a balcony. Faced with this devastating evidence, she, Rachel, becomes a sleuth, teaming up, slightly unwisely, with Scott, who believes, slightly wrongly, that she is a friend of Megan’s. So (1), who beds whom? (2) Who doesn’t? (3) Who gets whacked? (4) Why can’t Rachel mind her own business? (5) Frankly, who gives a damn.” Last stop, end of the line.

I love trains. I love girls. So why did I find, The Girl on the Train to be such a wreck? Maybe if I took more trains, Amtrak, Southern Pacific or the Orient Express, I would have had more time to have read the best-selling book, The Girl on the Train. Then, I might have been able to let this runaway failure go by without having to board this boring Hollywood—let’s a make buck without caring about a good script—adaption. I’m not sure if it was a thriller, a mystery, or a film about a woman who loves to drink alcohol all the time. I’m not sure what the story was about. I’m not even sure who the story was about. And it wasn’t clear why anyone did anything to each other, or themselves. Oh yes, I think there might have been a child in the film, possibly an important part of the narrative. The film seemed more intent on putting me to sleep, rather than putting me in coach or business class where a conductor could come by every fifteen minutes and explain the plot. Maybe I’m not being fair to this ride that should refund my fare. So I’ll let Anthony Lane, my collegue over at the New Yorker enlighten you a little more. He writes, “Here is an introduction to The Girl on the Train. Listen carefully, and answer the questions that follow. Rachel (Emily Blunt) used to be married to Tom (Justin Theroux), but Tom had an affair with Anna (Rebecca Ferguson), who is now his wife. He and Anna have a baby, whose nanny is named Megan (Haley Bennett). Megan looks a bit like Anna. She— Megan, not Anna—lives with Scott (Luke Evans), who is creepy

Leonard Buschel is the Founder and Director of REEL Recovery Film Festival. See the website at: www.reelrecoveryfilmfestival.org.

Recovering Couples Anonymous 12-Step Program for Couples Recovering from Dysfunctional Patterns of Communication www.Recovering-Couples.org 20 - NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016

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20 IMPORTANT Self-Assessment QUESTIONS For You or a Loved One

One of the oldest and most time tested dependency evaluation tools for chemical dependency has its origins from the Johnson Institute of Minneapolis. Many variations exist, but the basic questions are as follows: 1. Has anyone ever suggested you quit or cut back on your drug/alcohol use? Y / N 2. Has drinking or using affected your reputation? Y / N 3. Have you made promises to control your drinking or using and then broken them? Y / N 4. Have you ever switched to different drinks or drugs or changed your using pattern in an effort to control or reduce your consumption? Y / N 5. Have you ever gotten into financial, legal, or relationship difficulties due to drinking or using? Y / N 6. Have you ever lost time from work because of drinking or using? Y / N 7. Have you ever sneaked or hidden your use? Y / N 8. On occasion, do you feel uncomfortable if alcohol or your drug is not available? Y / N 9. Do you continue drinking or using when friends or family suggest you have had enough? Y / N 10. Have you ever felt guilty or ashamed about your drinking or using or what you did while under the influence? Y / N 11. Has your efficiency decreased as a result of your drinking or using? Y / N 12. When using or drinking, do you neglect to eat properly? Y/N 13. Do you use or drink alone? Y / N 14. Do you use or drink more than usual when under pressure, angry, or depressed? Y / N 15. Are you able to drink or use more now without feeling it, compared to when you first started using? Y / N 16. Have you lost interest in other activities or noticed a decrease in your ambition as a result of your drinking or using? Y / N 17. Have you had the shakes or tremors following heavy drinking or using or not using for a period of time Y/ N 18. Do you want to drink or use at a particular time each day? Y/N 19. Do you go on and off the wagon? Y / N 20. Is drinking or using jeopardizing your job? Y / N Three or more â&#x20AC;&#x153;yesâ&#x20AC;? answers suggest that you should more closely evaluate your drug and or alcohol use. Call for help today!

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NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016 - 21

UNLOCKED For Life

with

Dan Sanfellipo

Life: Third Time Is A Charm The most thought-provoking messages are often delivered in the most unexpected ways. I am compelled to share some recent insights prompted by a television show season finale! My girl and I were sitting in front of the T.V., watching the last episode in the latest season of Game Of Thrones. It’s a popular show, and we find it entertaining. For readers who aren’t familiar with the series, here’s a very brief synopsis: Jon Snow is one of the primary characters in a show about territorial wars, thrones, and kingdoms set in Medieval times. In this season-ending episode, Jon Snow was killed! He was brought back to life so he could fight in another bloody battle. Understandably, he began to ponder his purpose. He thought maybe he was brought back to life just so he could die again in this final battle. However, he did survive. As we sat contemplating the meaning of his revival my girl said, “What do you think it’s like to be in that guy’s shoes; to be dead and then brought back to life, only to be wondering what your purpose is and why you’re there?” It didn’t take long to answer that question. I have a really good sense of exactly what it’s like to be dead and brought back to life. I said, “It’s awesome!” I’m on my third life right now. My first life was my childhood. The time-frame is a little different for everyone. That first life of mine, lasted until my first serious trauma. The innocence of my childhood died, and the birth of my second life began. Life number two lasted the better part of thirty years. I only refer to it as a life because I was breathing, had a heartbeat, and was still above ground. However, my soul was in darkness. My life consisted of drinking, using drugs, smoking, going to jail, prison, etc. I was comfortable living to numb my pain and my life revolved around the next conquest.

In recovery, I’ve been reborn into my third life. After walking around dead inside for decades, I found a way to a better life that feels fresh, new, and purposeful. At the age of thirty-nine, I put down the drugs, alcohol, and criminal behavior in search of something more meaningful and, as a result, I was brought back to life—like Jon Snow. And like Jon Snow, I came back to fight some battles! The demons I fight today are old habits, old thought patterns, unwillingness to feel discomfort, and self-centered motivation. Like Jon Snow, I have survived those battles following my rebirth. It’s an amazing feeling to recognize my opportunity to do things differently. I build new relationships with love rather than fear. I support myself through hard work and honest pay rather than taking what I want out of jealousy and entitlement. I help people because I have the means, not because I expect them to repay me. I live a clean life. It took a fictional television show where some guy came back from the dead to fight a battle with a whole new perspective for me to really understand that I’m not dead anymore. There are still battles, but I don’t have to fight alone, and the rewards are great. If I had made a list of everything I expected to gain in the first four years of my new life, I would have completely shortchanged myself. By being clean/sober and working the twelve steps, having a new spiritual relationship with my higher power, I’ve been given a new life. This new life is available to anyone. A willingness to be temporarily uncomfortable is the key to unlock a life more exciting and rewarding than most can imagine. Written by K.VanDenBerg based on interviews with D. Sanfellipo

Sadly, it is common to meet people in recovery who have experienced some major trauma in their childhood which casts darkness over their lives and puts a stranglehold on their soul. So many people in the prison system have fallen victim to an innocence-killing event (whether real or imagined) that fractured their life and identity. © Dan Sanfellipo received his education in the California State Penal system from the age of 13. A trauma survivor, author of the upcoming book “Unlocked for Life” and founder of support and coaching program of the same name, Dan is a practicing member of 12-step recovery and an international competitor in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Dan has dedicated his energy, experience, strength and hope to helping men and women find lasting freedom—from poverty, restriction, stigma, addiction, despair and prison. Dan can be reached at Dan@unlockedforlife.com

22 - NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016

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Let it go! Free yourself to accept the gifts of today.

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NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016 - 23

Accepting the Unacceptable

cceptance. We preach it. We read about it. We pretend it. The thing is, sooner or later, we will all reach it. Acceptance. Even if it’s your last day on earth (you’ll be accepting then, won’t you?) the time will eventually come when there will be no other choice than to throw in the towel, wave the white flag—whatever your personal signal will be— finally resigned that the unacceptable can only be dealt with by making it acceptable.

Part of being a human being comes with the uncomfortableness of being a human being. What we don’t like or appreciate about others, we’ve got in ourselves. “If you spot it, you’ve got it,” sounds the chorus of chaotic addicts in meeting rooms everywhere. We wouldn’t recognize any flaws (or angelic attributes, for that matter) in others if we didn’t also have them within ourselves—to do, say, be, or act that way too. It wouldn’t bother us, unless, well, it bothers us. Acceptance. Oddly, we willingly accept in others what we won’t accept in ourselves. Someone acts crazy; we laugh, we forgive. We act crazy; a shame spiral ensues. Another person falls; we feel bad for them. We fall; we feel guilty or angry. Someone else is a mess; poor them. We are a mess; apologize and make amends. Why the different standards? Where is the acceptance for us, for them, for all, for the past, the future, the forever …? Part of us always knows that, in the end, acceptance will be the only option. Yet we fight until that end, thinking the fight

24 - NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016

By Lori Nelson

will potentially change the outcome. It won’t. And how many times do we need to test this theory to learn the flow of only two things: Now. Next. That’s it. That’s all we’ve got. Now or, Next. So where do we go from here? Even as you’re reading this, you’re nodding inside. Yeah, that’s right. Thanks, Lori. I’ll need to remember that. But, being human, you won’t. You’ll still struggle. You’ll still flounder and flop and fight against instincts, other people, governments, traffic, mounting bills, unsatisfied yearnings, poor food choices, weather (weather! For goodness sake—as if you could do a thing about it!), your kids, your loved ones, your parents (that particular battle is universally acceptable), neighbors, and on and on and on. To be first is sometimes to be last—like the first person into an elevator will be the last to leave. And sometimes last is first. There is no fair. And there is no fairy tale to explain why life fails each of us along our own particular path. When we plant a garden, we accept what grows and what dies. Only two tomatoes this year doesn’t mean next year won’t bring a bountiful harvest of twenty-two tomatoes. It should be the same way with all of life. We sow and we reap. We accept. It won’t always be predictable or perfect. Sometimes surprises astound us with joyful resonance; other times the unthinkable happens just as we recover from the last intolerable dilemma. Be a boat. Learn to go with the flow, coast the waves, rock unsteady, accept the gusts of perpetual winds that propel you into Now or Next. No sense to linger in looking back, because you are not going that way. Yes, sooner or later, we all come to acceptance. Don’t let it leave you bitter. Be better. Don’t try. Do. Don’t should on yourself, or should on anyone else. Simply accept. It’s easier that way, and yes, Scarlett, tomorrow is another day. There will be another chance to get it right. Or not. Either way … Next? © Lori Nelson is an author, speaker, educator, and an international “edutainer” aboard cruise ships. She occasionally blogs at anotherloristory. blogspot.com. Find Lori on Facebook. Torture: Broken Foot, Shattered Soul, is available on Amazon, or email Lori at anotherloristory@gmail. com. Lori lives in Atlanta, Georgia.

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NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016 - 25

Dear Petra...

Expert answers to your questions about Hep C and Addiction

Generic Hep C Treatment

I’m a “Dabbler!”

Petaluma, California

Toronto, Ontario

Dear Petra: I am one of the millions of people unable to afford the new Hep C treatment. It still blows my mind how our country (not 3rd world either) can allow us to die due to lack of funding and greedy pharmaceutical companies!!! I keep hearing and reading about generic treatments, being muled or shipped out of India. My questions is: How legal is this route, and how do I know they are not just sugar pills!?

Dear Petra: I am an active, seventeen year old, normal teenager. I hope my parents never find out, but I do play around with various drugs from time to time. My friends say they are not worried at all that they may turn into drug addicts. I kinda think the same thing, as I only dabble and use once in a while. Can you tell me what you believe? Can I become a full fledged addict?

Dear Answer-Seeker: Great question! As a charity, we have been approached by many sellers to promote this underground Buyers Club. We have also been confused but, to err on the side of caution, we have reached out and are working with partnering organizations to eradicate this utter confusion. We are working on helping to provide more detailed consumer information going forward. I would suggest that if one were to receive these meds, take them to a local pharmacist to have them tested.

Dear Dabbler: I am so glad you have the courage to write in and ask. I hope you share this with your friends as well. I myself was a dabbler with cocaine for many many years. Before I knew what hit me, I finally came to the realization that I was no longer just dabbling! This subsequently turned into many more years of being caught in the fires of hell, putting my daughter and family through misery (even though they had no idea I was using.) The truth is, I emotionally abandoned my daughter and also other family members and close friends, even though at the time I thought I was only hurting myself. It is a long road to recovery, so my best advice is that you knock it off immediately! Nine times out of ten … dabbling leads to agonizing addiction.

Worried Parent Hepatitis C and the Flu Shot? Chicago, Illinois Dear Petra: I am enduring a crazy inner dialogue about whether or not I should get the flu shot. I have to tell you that I am not comfortable with it, nor do I trust the system. How important is it that I get it, considering my hepatitis C diagnosis? Dear Inner Dialogue: Just in the United States, more than 2.7 million people are infected with hepatitis C, though most who are (upwards of 75%) don’t know it. Being one of those infected, you are at risk of flu complications including worsening of your underlying liver condition, pneumonia, bronchitis, sinus infections, and ear infections. Now, on a personal level, I feel the same way you do, but when I still had the disease myself, and especially when I was on the treatment (when my immune system was even more compromised,) I made the difficult decision to get the shot. Perhaps have a good sit down with your doctor to understand this better?

Hamburg, Germany Dear Petra: I found you online and think you are great! I have a question regarding my teenage boys. How exactly can I tell if they are drug or alcohol addicts or not? I know they drink and use some drugs (although they try to deny it), but I can always tell by the way they behave. Does that mean they are addicts, though? Dear Worried: The fear as a parent here is that the younger they are, the more likely they will become addicted. There are also DNA/hereditary factors involved. Does addiction run in yours or your spouse’s family? Also, has there been any trauma in their childhood? I believe very strongly that all addiction is rooted in past trauma, without exception. It sounds to me if you are even asking the question, then there must already be cause for concern? I would suggest it is time to sit them down at a family meeting and address the issue at hand! Hepatitis C is a growing Global Pandemic! 1 in 12 people have viral hepatitis worldwide.

© 2016 Petra aka Petrabilities is a Mental Health Counselor, Clinical Hypnotherapist, Card Reader, Speaker, Author and CEO of #HepCGI . Being an expert in her field and specializing in addictions, Petra is here to answer all your questions and concerns. Please send your questions anonymously via the contact form at www.Petrabilities.com or http://hepcgi.wix.com/hepcgi

26 - NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016

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Writers In Treatment Presents

The following book reviews are honest IMPRESSIONS of these newly released titles. Grab a copy and see if you agree... These are not “paid” reviews. Do you have any recommendations for books about recovery? Get in touch! email: editor@step12magazine.com

Making Peace with Suicide

A Book of Hope, Understanding, and Comfort by Adele Ryan McDowell

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Author Adele R. McDowell combines practical guidance with spirituality and a deep understanding of pain and grief, and trauma and its impact. Adele has packed every aspect of losing a loved one to suicide into a single insightful, meaningful edition which should be read again and again. Personal accounts of those who have attempted suicide, sometimes multiple times, from people who have leaned over the edge of the abyss but didn’t jump, show us how moving away from suicidal tendencies requires conscious choice and deliberate action. Adele helps readers understand the complex factors involved when people choose to take their own lives, making it abundantly clear that society needs to find better ways to talk about and understand why people become so desperate to escape that they choose to end their own lives. www.amazon.com/dp/0982117620

Spiritual Transformation in the Twelve Steps by Darlene Lancer

“In working the steps, you become teachable and begin to see yourself realistically—the good and bad, strong and weak, and in true relationship to others,” therapist Darlene Lancer explains. She examines each of the Twelve Steps and describes in detail how each should be practiced in order to achieve a spiritual awakening. Focused on drug addiction and codependent relationships, one of the book’s best features is that there is plenty of help for codependent individuals. At the end of each step, there is a list of questions, each of which guides the reader during those first tentative steps towards a journey of self-inquiry and discovery. It’s a great resource manual for anyone (addict, codependent, friend or family) seeking a meaningful life-change. www.amazon.com/dp/B00OB2EY5K

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NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016 - 27

An Addict By Any Other Name by Vicki Ableson

ou can’t turn a pickle into a cucumber. I’ve always been an addict. This is how I stay sober.

Yesterday I didn’t enjoy a beautiful opportunity, or have the appropriate gratitude for its bounty. I focused on my frustration over things that I’m powerless over. I needed to make a different choice … trust … find my faith … and know that everything will be all right. I have tools. Not everyone is as lucky …. Recent events are a stunning reminder of what can happen if I ever forget that I am, and always will be, an addict.

“That morphine drip was like being in a velvet body Snuggie— with Sting—having tantric sex, whilst he sang Sister Moon gently in my ear.” When I like something, I want more of it, and I want it now. That pretty much means anything and everything. When I was a kid, it was too much TV, candy, and boys. I can remember being four and having a mad crush on an unavailable toddler. Okay, he was six, but that’s not funny. Neither was my obsession. At four? There’s something not quite right about that.

Marijuana eventually brought me to my knees. That sometimes amuses people. “Let me know when you have a real problem.” Wikipedia defines addiction as “the continued repetition of a behavior despite adverse consequences.” I’m tired of debating whether pot qualifies. It does for me. I can’t smoke it like a lady, or a gentleman. I know that if I take one hit, I’ll be off and running. 24/7. There’s not a doubt in my mind. There were still ashtrays on restaurant tables when I quit smoking cigarettes. I gave up weed more than a decade ago. In both instances, removing the substances from my life, and white knuckling it, was made possible thanks to self-righteous indignation. But, I was still a vulnerable, miserable addict. Once I got into recovery a whole different deal started to happen. It was no longer just about not doing something, I became painfully aware of the crap I was doing. I’m intolerant, impatient, and unrelenting—high maintenance and exhausting. Control and perfectionism drive me. Years of therapy hadn’t solved it. I learned how to work through situations but I didn’t have a clue how to change my reactions or alter my perceptions. Working the steps took me in and made me look around. It was dark in there, really dark. The program brought light.

In my teens, it was cigarettes and pot. Then came the three C’s: coffee, Cheetos, and Coke, diet, of course. The calorie savings were needed to compensate for the aforementioned cheese curls, chips, and carbs in general—the low fiber kind. There was LSD, and more boys. Almost always, the “bad ones.” It was all sprinkled generously with Boone’s Farm, and topped with a Quaalude or three. In college, I played marathon sessions of poker, pinochle, and Risk—till the coke ran out—the other kind. There was also Boodles gin, and again with the boys. Oh, those nasty boys! Post university, I graduated to playing Ms. Pac Man and Donkey Kong till the wee hours of the morning, when it was just me and the scary crackheads in the arcade. My own coke usage amped up, I ate cold pizza ‘round the clock, and developed a taste for fine wine and cognac. Interestingly, just about the only thing I wasn’t constantly craving was booze. I compensated for that with a fixation on an alcoholic who thought of little else. continued on page 29

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continued from page 28

I’ve abstained from substances and addressed the root causes of my addiction but, once an addict …. I still act out and the computer became my drug of choice; Facebook is my favorite brand. It won’t kill me—in many ways it feeds me—but it’s the way I do it. The compulsion is running the show. I went from always being early to being chronically late. I’ve whiled away more hours the Facebook homepage than I can bear to think about. But I use it for my work; it continues to be directly responsible for the path of my success. It’s also the source of my social life to an enormous degree. When I look at where my life is now, little of it would be possible without Facebook. I attempt to use the force for good, but moderation has never been my strong suit. I challenge myself daily to get the hell off more often. Some days I’m more successful than others. I can be disciplined doing what needs to be done, but I still can’t control my obsessions with anything I like unless I humbly seek assistance. Constantly. I’m not a love junkie any more. That’s something. I have a sponsor, sponsees, a program, and a higher power. I go to meetings and check in with friends. If not for those things, yesterday, I well might have used. It’s not for lack of willpower, nor a choice. My brain is hotwired differently. I require vigilance, and will for the rest of my days. I’m an addict. I know I said that before ad nauseum. I think it bears repeating—again and again and again. My disease wants me to forget. It fucks with me constantly. I can’t think myself right. I can only do the right thing with a shitload of help.

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I never stuck a needle in my arm, they scared me too much, thank God. In my early twenties I had surgery and was sliced open. I was given morphine to ease the pain. It’s been thirty years, but I can remember the feeling as if it were yesterday. It was the most euphoric sensation I’ve ever known, even more than falling in love, or meeting my babies. Now that’s scary! I remember saying aloud to myself, “Now I understand.” I’ve heard heroin and its derivatives described as feeling like a warm blanket. For me, that morphine drip was like being in a velvet body Snuggie—with Sting—having tantric sex, whilst he sang Sister Moon gently in my ear, pausing only to tell me how smart, funny, beautiful, sexy and skinny I was, as he shot-gunned a bowl of ganja through a perfect kiss, while feeding me potato chips with Chubby Hubby ice cream, chased by a margarita on the rocks with salt. Had that drug been administered for more than a day I wouldn’t have stood a chance of not chasing it forever. Yesterday, life was not going according to my plan. People were not reading from my script, and the time-line was way off. I was hungry, angry, lonely, and tired. I wanted to rage and be vengeful. Then, I wanted to run and hide. I just wanted it to stop. The noise in my head was too loud. Then I thought of a broken hero now gone. And called my sponsor. Bestselling author, performer, producer, promoter, and talk show host, Vicki Abelson, thrice appeared on Saturday Night Live, co-starred in a pilot for Comedy Central, and optioned a music reality show to Telepictures. Vicki is the creator and host of the celebrity-driven literary salon Vicki Abelson’s Women Who Write. Follow her on Twitter at @vickiabelson. This article was originally published in The Fix, 4/2/14.

NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016 - 29

Mindfulness with Terra Schaad

Easy Does It live, and living is worth fighting for. To fight for any other reason, is a waste of attention and energy.

The compassion and acceptance that filled each of us as we sat on the ground weeping his death was enveloping. I sat in awe as Acceptance, as we think of it in mindfulness, is acknowledging I realized that even in his death, he asked us to be our best selves. things as they actually are in the moment without judging or trying There was no criticism, judgment, or fear in that space; only love, to change it. Few situations actually force us into acceptance like support, and an absolute desire to take away his pain. the death of a loved one. My program, Hunkapi, recently lost our With acceptance, we have the opportunity to move forward horse, Easy, who had been with us for over thirteen years and, into situations in life, with new-found intention and behaviors through his death, I got to experience the fast lane to acceptance. that are more benefiting to us and our community. In honor of The day Easy died was a normal day for me and him. I was pre- Easy, let’s practice noticing our critical mind, judgments and the occupied with contracts, emails and cleaning stalls. Easy was harsh words we use to protect and defend. Let’s practice meeting perky and hungry, as always. people with compassion and acceptance and seeing how we may At 3:00 pm, I went and gave all the horses a snack and he met me ease their suffering. Let’s practice loving, supporting, and living. at his stall hungry and alert, tearing into his snack voraciously. At 4:30 pm, I checked on him again and he was down, sweating, rolling, and in distress. In that moment, there wasn’t a contract or email in my inbox that mattered more than relieving the pain I could see he was in. In that moment, I began living in my most present state of the whole day. Over the next three hours, I witnessed the sheer will of a being who was fighting to live, and I was forced to accept there was almost nothing I could do to help him, other than be beside him. As a therapist, my day is spent working with people, both children and adults, who come here fighting to protect themselves from harm. We move quickly into fight, flight, or freeze through our hurtful words, our violent actions, substance use, or by nonresponse to protect our mind, body and spirit, only to create distance and disconnection from those whom we truly crave love. In our final hours, though, our human body, like Easy’s, will fight, not to create distance, but to live. It will fight to live because it is our most innate nature. It will fight to live, because it was born to

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© Terra is a zealous horse-lover and the executive director of Hunkapi Programs, Inc. Terra holds a bachelor of science degree in pre-veterinary medicine from Texas A&M University and a master’s degree in counseling psychology from Arizona State University. She practices living mindfully, is an avid adventurer, yogi, and two-time Ironman Arizona finisher. She embraces her extraordinary life with mindful, contagious enthusiasm and gratitude.

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New Creation Behavioral Healthcare Foundation and New Creation College Present

FREE LOCAL PREMIER of the Newly-Released film:

Memo to Self: Protecting Sobriety with the Science of Safety

by Dr. Kevin McCauley

Dr. Kevin McCauley is a former Navy flight surgeon and co-founder of the Institute for Addiction Study. He is recognized as an engaging lecturer, creative filmmaker, and innovative program designer whose work makes difficult scientific concepts understandable to all and fosters the acceptance of people in recovery as full and valued members of society. Memo to Self: Protecting Sobriety with the Science of Safety is an eagerly anticipated sequel to the award-winning video “Pleasure Unwoven.” In this film, Dr. Kevin McCauley re-lives his own precarious early sobriety – negotiating hazards such as hostile prosecutors, treatment programs with divided loyalties, and his own craving brain. Following the advice of the Addiction Medicine experts who helped him, he replicates the sobriety habits and success of recovering pilots and health care professionals. By framing addiction not as a problem of moral choice but as a safety/risk management challenge, Dr. McCauley explains how recovery is neither rare nor random – with the right kind of support, it can even be expected.

Thursday, November 17, 2016 10:30am-2:30pm

Neighborhood Community Center 1845 Park Ave., Costa Mesa CA 92627 Limited Seating - Registration is Required Sign up for this event at:

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Agenda 10:30 - Networking 11:30 - Lunch (Provided)

This film will prove a valuable tool for therapists, counselors, recovery coaches and clinicians to introduce audiences to the concepts and practices of Recovery Management, and for people in early recovery and their families learning how to survive the first year of sobriety.

12:00 - New Creation College Virtual Tour and Introduction

Dr. McCauley will answer questions after the viewing.

12:30 - Movie Premier

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2:00 - Questions/Answers with Dr. McCauley DVD’s Available

Sponsorship is Tax-Deductable. Proceeds will go to New Creation Behavioral Healthcare Foundation to benefit education and treatment scholarships

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NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016 - 31

Solution on Page 56

Puzzles

Across 6. “God, grant me the __________” 8. Common Thanksgiving Main Dish 10. Mental power, force, or vigor 11. Dedication and responsibility 13. Aid 14. We all have to face the _______ of our choices (good and bad) 19. The state where Bill W. and Dr. Bob met. 20. Quiet conversation with a Higher Power 21. An event or circumstance that pushes personal limits 22. Wrapped items stored under a Christmas Tree 23. A fundamental, primary, or general law of truth 25. Lack of strength

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Down 1. The exchange of money or favor for goods or services 2. The act of taking or receiving something offered 3. Silencing of the mind for spiritual connection 4. A pre-determined destiny 5. Faith and reliance 7. The opposite of falsehood 9. Information that is understood and accepted 12. “____ Grapevine”: AA’s Subscription magazine 15. Hung by the chimney with care—sometimes filled with coal 16. Quarters, dimes, nickels and pennies 17. Mercy, clemency, pardon 18. A situation or circumstance as it truly is 20. Often converted to a jack-o-lantern 24. Turkey day is a day to give _______

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Solution on Page 56

ACCEPTANCE ACKNOWLEDGEMENT ADMISSION APPROVAL ASSISTANCE BREATHE COLLABORATION COMPREHEND CONFIRMATION CONSENT COOPERATION COUNT DENIAL DESIGNATION DEVOTION EGO ENCLOSED EXPULSION HEALING INCLUDID INCORPORATED INVOLVED LOVE PART PARTICIPATION PERMISSION PROHIBITION RECIPROCITY RECOGNITION REFULSA SELF SERVICE UNDERSTANDING UNENCHANTED

Spot the 12 differences in these pictures Solution on Page 56

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NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016 - 33

PROFILE: London Rebecca Reber by Nathalie Baret

Barely six months into her sobriety, London Rebecca Reber received an unforeseen opportunity to become Miss Venice Beach. “It was shocking to me,” said the now former Miss California, United States 2012. “I’d always been an athlete, so this was really far out of my comfort zone. With no pageant experience, newly sober, and trying to find my way, I certainly didn’t feel worthy or capable of being crowned a queen.” After wrestling with the idea for two weeks, plagued with the fear of never feeling good enough, the Oakland-born, Californian native surrendered. “This wasn’t my plan for my life, but for reasons I couldn’t predict, I was being led to do this thing and I just knew I needed to stop denying what had come to me so effortlessly. I thought, ‘Maybe this is God’s will for my life and it’s time for me to get out of my own way.’” Then, at twenty-eight years old, Reber received a healthy dollop of praise and support after accepting her title as Miss Venice Beach and felt encouraged to try out for Miss California, United States. On finals night at the Miss California pageant, she stood behind the curtain waiting for her name to be called, about to walk the stage in her bikini. She had made it to the final three contestants and now it was down to the live-session interview round. Suddenly, flooded with mixed emotions, she heard her fear creep in, saying, “I don’t want to let my sponsors down. I need to make my family proud. But still, every other girl here probably wants those same things.” So, I challenged those doubts, “What makes me different? Why pick me?” Reber recalled, “A voice in my head gently whispered, ‘I’ve done everything I possibly could to prepare myself to get to this point. There’s nothing I can do now to change who I am in this moment, I might as well enjoy it!’ I accepted that if the judges didn’t pick me, I’m okay—that just means they want something other than me, which I can’t be.” So behind the curtains, she decided her purpose was to be of service. “If

34 - NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016

they did choose me, I would use the crown as a microphone to spread an inspirational message of hope to young women: that no matter what you’re struggling with, you can change. It mattered because, before I got sober, on the outside everything looked fine—I still had a job, a car, an apartment—but inside I wanted to die. I was suicidal, I was hopeless.” Reber attributes this clarity to three things. “I give my God, my sobriety, and my program the credit to even come up with that thought.” As Reber heard her name called, she took to the stage. Instead of being questioned about her goals or political beliefs, she was asked about who or what inspires her the most. “It couldn’t have been a more perfect question because my sister Elizabeth McCurry was in the audience. And, besides having Downs Syndrome, she has undergone three open-heart surgeries, as well as leukemia which put her through two years of chemotherapy, and she also survived heart failure in 2010. My sister has been a huge inspiration, and sparked my desire to get sober. I watched her fight literally every day, for every breath. While I was using drugs and alcohol to kill myself, she was trying so hard to live.” Rebers won the pageant and also won Miss Congeniality, United States that same year. She spent her reign traveling the country, practicing philanthropy. “I made speeches at school assemblies about body image and how that can drive us to bully others, based on how we feel about ourselves. I started taking my sister to all the charity events and fundraisers—she began inspiring the public in such a unique way that she was crowned Honorary Miss California and walked onto the stage with me to pass my title on to the 2013 winner!” Since choosing sobriety in 2011, Reber has helped countless women in twelve-step fellowships get their lives back. Currently, London is the National Outreach representative for Connections in Recovery, an international addiction and mental health treatment consulting and referral resource company. Nathalie Baret is the Director of Public Relations at Win-Win Publicity House.

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NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016 - 35

Realities of the Addicted Family

by Susan Jackson, LMFT

The Fifth Reality:

The Wrath Experience Of all the family scrimmage realities, the wrath experience is the most serious. The wrath experience in regards to the addictive family system is developed in stages. The stages correspond to the progression of the addiction. These stages include; anger, rage and wrath. One of the first indications that a change is beginning to happen within the addictive family is the constant angry responses to the addict or alcoholic by family members. Angry responses in the beginning are not immediately recognized due to the addict’s drinking or drug use. When the anger remains unresolved it intensifies and develops into rage. Eventually the rage progresses to the last stage, wrath. A good example of these stages is in this simple vignette describing the experience of a young child whose mother is an alcoholic. In the early stage of mother’s drinking the child may begin to get angry each time she drinks. The child may express anger by sharing feelings and asking mother not to drink. Of course, mother doesn’t stop drinking. As her drinking progresses to the middle stage of her alcoholism, the child may start yelling at her, demanding that she stop drinking. The child, more than angry at this point, is unaware that their anger has progressed into rage. As mother’s drinking increases, the child, in an attempt to stop her drinking, begins fighting with her. The child’s rage is expressed by pushing and hitting. Eventually the drinking progresses to the late stage and the child experiences wrath. The child is so distraught by the ongoing frustration over mother’s drinking, revenge is sought. Unfortunately, thoughts of suicide and/or homicide are considerations. Seeking vengeance is a sign of late-stage wrath. This vignette is all too real. Sometimes it is the addict and sometimes it is the non-drinking, non-using family member who acts out during the late stages of addiction and wrath. This is the reality of the addictive family. Although the wrath experience may manifest at any stage of addiction, it usually reveals itself in the late stage and is evidenced by extreme negative and self-destructive behavior. This behavior can include suicidal and homicidal ideations or actions. Wrath has been described as anger that is vicious and fierce. For the family, the embarrassing moments, lack of emotional connectedness, physical, emotional and/or sexual abuse, or debilitating experience of grave incongruence all contribute © Susan Jackson is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, author, and Clinical Director for New Creation Healthcare Foundation/His House. Susan has contributed to the field of addiction, as distinguished Clinician, Clinical Supervisor, Director, and Author for over 28 years. She began her career working for the City of Chino, as a Gang Interventionist, Domestic Violence Counselor, and Prevention Specialist. Susan’s dedication and experience working with adolescents with substance use disorders, and their afflicted families, led her to Loma Linda University Behavioral Medicine Center, where she became the Family Therapist on the Chemical Dependency Unit.

36 - NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016

to the family scrimmage reality of wrath. The wrath experience is located below the abstruse (the second reality) and manifests in the deepest part of the pain of addiction. Wrath is accompanied by despair, panic, and agitation. Pathos, the abstruse, and grave incongruence all contribute to the wrath experience. These realities fuel the irrational desire of family members to destroy the cause of their emotional pain, their resentments and the deterioration of the family. The non-violent expression of wrath by family members may be displayed in passive aggressive behaviors, such as over-spending or expressing advanced rage using sharp, sarcastic comments. These expressions of wrath are justified by the family because the addict or alcoholic does not stop using or seek help and keeps the addictive family in a state of denial. The reality of the wrath experience has been described by family members as a monster inside. The feelings of wrath are destructive and are the most anxiety-producing experience of all the realities. This is because there is complete disdain for the addict or alcoholic in the late stage of the addictive family. Frequently, family members feel disgust and loathing towards themselves. Wrath is deeply concealed and extremely difficult to understand. Wrath’s last expression, as stated before, can result in homicide or suicide, or both. If you can identify this as your experience, please get help. The family scrimmage is about taking an in-depth, sincere, compassionate look at the addictive family in an effort to evoke a desire for addictive families to seek help. Wrath is the result of participating in the daily family scrimmage. When we are able to understand these realities, we can resolve and heal. There is always hope. Recovery is the ultimate reality!

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Naranon Family Groups http://www.nar-anon.org/ Alanon Family Groups http://al-anon.org/ CODA for Co-dependents http://coda.org/ NIDA (National Institute on Drug Abuse) http://www.drugabuse.gov/ Drugfree.org http://www.drugfree.org/ Ask The Judge (answers for teens about the law) http://www.askthejudge.info/ TheFix.com https://www.thefix.com/ Addiction Inbox http://addiction-dirkh.blogspot.com/ Pathway to Prevention (teen use and abuse stops here) http://www.pathwaytoprevention.org/ CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training) https://www.robertjmeyersphd.com/index.html GRASP (Grief support for those who have lost someone to addiction) http://grasphelp.org/ Camp Mariposa (For children who have addiction in the family) http://www.moyerfoundation.org/campmariposa Recovery Research Institute http://www.recoveryanswers.org/ The McAlister Institute (low cost/no cost treatment services) http://www.mcalisterinc.org/ Resource List from Denise Krochta at Addicts Family Lifeline, Inc.

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NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016 - 37

CONTRIBUTIONS FROM OUR

FABULOUS READERS THANK YOU THANK YOU

THANK YOU

Please send your submissions to: editor@step12magazine.com. We’d love to hear from you.

White Noise Lyn P., Sun City

Good, White Noise. Foaming, unfurling, crashing waves. Paddling out on my surfboard, duck-diving, Sturdy walls of ocean water, underneath the hurl, Of crushing turbulence. Before I catch a good swell, I gain enough momentum, Catapulted by sheer, natural force. Standing, wobbling, walking the stick projectile, ‘Til the tide raises me on my ratty board, Like an offering to the sky, Above the swirling, salt water, drenched, discombobulated, Reliant on my sense of sober balance. Living, powerful, ocean breaths surging rhythmically, roaring, Rough and tumble. All around, palpable synchronicity; perfect timing, Without fussy help from me. Good, White Noise. Sometimes I can’t decipher life on life’s terms. I’m simply focused on accepting, The open invitation to… RIDE the WILD, wooly WAVES!

You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf. ~ Joseph Goldstein

38 - NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016

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You Can Change Tomorrow by Kirk Bocksberger

You can change tomorrow, but you have to start today. Addiction may hold you down, depression and despair may arrest all your hope, but deep down inside you do have the strength. You can change tomorrow, but you have to start today. Search inside yourself; listen to your new voice. The time has finally come, make the right choice, as grim as it may seem to be, change is possible, just do the right thing and soon you will see, Make no mistake it’s a tough road ahead, there is no such thing as an easy way out. But I know you can do it, I have no doubt. Just stop running and don’t try to hide, Listen to God, he speaks from inside, He will show you the way. You can change tomorrow, but you have to start today.

I traveled a road fueled by alcohol, Where all roads led to my own downfall. There were roads called misery, and roads called pain, Leading to nowhere, no sweet refrain, From the many demons within my brain. There were roads to anger and roads to malice, Where all sins were drunk from a silver chalice. There were roads to anguish, and roads to lies, Leading to nowhere, with no alibis. There were roads with pits, and many holes, Buried beneath were all the lost souls. Along the roads, skylines of cities called debauchery and guilt, The foundations; disease from which they were built You could buy sex for the price of a beer, Losing all thought of things once held dear. So many roads along the way, Where every day was Groundhog Day. Roads in circles and never-ending motion, Round and round like a lovesick potion. So many roads, so little time, My life was worth less than a dime. And then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a road less traveled by. It whispered to me, it called my name, “Come travel my road, we’ll learn a new game.” There were twelve paths along the way Leading to freedom and a brand new day. Each path I took drew me to a higher power Where my life was changed each minute, each hour. When I reached the twelfth path, I came to believe That God had given me another reprieve. All things are possible with God in my life. The road I now travel is free from strife.

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NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016 - 39

True Recovery

by Michele Downey RN MAC LMFT

When I first worked in the hospital as a nursing assistant, they asked me if I would go to the new CARE alcohol unit they were starting. I knew it was a new adventure because nobody knew if this would even work in a hospital. I also knew nobody else volunteered for it because they were scared. I went. It worked out. So, I began my long and fruitful journey studying and working in the treatment and addiction field. Along the way, the director of a treatment program told me that, as a requirement to be in the job, I had to go to Al-Anon and have a sponsor. Since I was working with these alcoholics five days a week, eight hours a day, I would be spending more time with them than their families. If the family needed treatment, so did I. (Of course, today he couldn’t get away with that kind of direction but that Eskimo saved my personal and professional life)

“The dis-ease is cunning, powerful, baffling and patient.” Years later, I was able to introduce Dr. Anne Wilson-Schaef to a group of professionals as their main speaker (right off the plane just after she had spent months with aboriginal elders in Australia). She coined the famous process vs. substance addictions, and determined that not just individuals and families had addictive processes organizations, but also the work place. Suddenly, this addiction thing became much bigger than the alcoholism treatment I had started with.

But, when I heard the solution was spiritual, everything started to make sense. When addicts accepted and loved their spirit, their feelings (and what to do with them) and found a power they could do business with, I saw that the addiction process wasn’t necessary any longer. I saw that it could be truly healed as long as people in recovery were vigilant. As long as they were aware that each new thing (working, shopping, internet, man, woman, food) had the potential to become addictive. Then, they had as much chance as someone recovering from alcohol addiction who also knew to stay away from pills and drugs. If addicts undertood this spiritual thing, recovered their spirit, understood their feelings, then they could maintain their true recovery, one day at a time. I’ve painfully experienced the truth of this, not only in my life, and the lives of my loved ones, but also in my patients and clients lives for over thirty years. I am grateful for that Eskimo who pointed me toward the road to humility by first looking at myself through the twelve steps of Al-Anon. Eventually, with continuous mentorship, practice and grace, I have been able to recover and see how true recovery is possible. It may be that the dis-ease is cunning, powerful, baffling and patient but then my recovery is so much more cunning, baffling, powerful and patient.

The disease, I was told, was cunning, powerful, baffling and patient. I didn’t know how true those words were not only in my life, but in my patient’s lives. Much like the topic of cross-addiction, we were educating people that the type of drug didn’t matter. The disease could care less if it was legal or illegal; it was an equal opportunity destroyer. Substance addictions, we were taught, were just the ones we were familiar with in treatment; drugs, alcohol and pills and/ or the eating disorders of anorexia, bulimia and compulsive over-eating. But the hardest addictions to see were the ones society rewards well. Shopping, gambling, religious, work, sex and love (people) addictions were everywhere. I was also told that, over time, switches in addiction could occur because addicts weren’t adept at dealing with their feelings. Who could blame someone who was worrying about a loved one (love addiction) or worked hard (work addiction) or wanted to do a little shopping (shopping addiction)? Everything was done in secret. This pain is equal to the pain of an addict doing drugs, alcohol and pills. Michele Downey is the founder of Michele Downey’s Recovery Life Coaching School, and the Host of the “Design for Living” Radio Show, Mondays at 10:30a & 4:30p PST

40 - NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016

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NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016 - 41

Acceptance Is As Acceptance Does

by Jim Anders MA

Many years ago, I used to attend a wonderful Sunday night NA meeting in Southern California. This was a small meeting, as there were rarely more than twelve and never more than twenty attendees. Yet, in spite of its diminutive size, its impact, at least on me, was substantial. One could feel the spiritual gravitas in the atmosphere of the rooms. Also obvious to the practiced eye was the effort by nearly all who attended to be genuinely engaged with each other and the Twelve Step traditions. This particular assemblage of the afflicted seemed to be pregnant with hope and possibility.

“There is an infinite number of ways addicts can find to crash our lives in flames.”

Although there were, no doubt, several reasons for this enviable state of affairs, I was particularly fond of one idiosyncratic practice in particular. At this meeting (as at a few others like it) the individual tasked with leading the meeting on any particular week would begin by sharing on the First Step only. Every week, every leader opened with the same topic. And guess what? It never ever got old, and never even seemed repetitive. It appears there is an infinite number of ways addicts (like us) can find to crash our lives in flames. I, for instance, am a disgraced former member of the evangelical clergy. Toward the end of my active addiction and in desperation for the next hit it was a common practice of mine to steal from the very church that employed me. Other friends at that meeting had similar stories. One story, as an example, involved the use of benzos liberally mixed with alcohol, which inevitably led to blackouts. What happened during those blackouts would be comical if it were not so potentially hazardous. My friend would describe in detail how he drank to black out almost every time he drank. After a night of partying, and losing his intellectual bearings and moral sanity, he would wake up in the morning and count it a blessing if he recognized the bed he was sleeping in, and it was another blessing if he could remember where he left his car. Most shockingly, he related that if he could find his car in the morning after such a riotous night, he would carefully and slowly inspect it for dents, dried blood, hair and torn clothing. Before completing that macabre ritual, he couldn’t be certain that he hadn’t run over or into something or someone during the previous night. There were countless other stunning recollections of insane behavior from that motley crew of grateful-to-be-clean and sober addicts. These admittedly crazy stories proved essential to my developing sobriety.

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I considered myself lucky to have found and attended such an insane group in my early sobriety because the constant focus on insanity—paradoxically—helped keep me sane. For me, as for most of you, accepting that all hope of regaining control was gone (and was probably illusionary from the beginning, anyway) is, quite likely, one of the most difficult things we’ve ever set out to accomplish. Yet, being substance-free without true acceptance of powerlessness is a fool’s errand. While hope remains that we can still use drugs recreationally or drink responsibly we will try to do so. For us, attempting to consume substances without loss of control and demoralizing consequences becomes far more likely when we forget those very consequences. Acceptance comes when we remember the pain, loss and shame that substance use always produces. Acceptance that substance use is unacceptable is the only sane option. Jim Anders holds graduate degrees in Theology from Fuller Theological Seminary and in Psychology from Brandman University. He is in recovery himself and has the pleasure of being program manager at the 122 bed Salvation Army facility in Perris CA where he has worked for nearly four years.

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Accepting Acceptance I remember it vividly. I was seventeen years old and home visiting from yeshivah (Jewish/Rabbinic school). My hardworking father was relaxing on the couch in our suburban home when my younger brother ran in. He was in tears. As it turns out, the neighbors kid wasn’t allowing my brother to join the rest of his friends on the basketball hoop. His dad banned our family until “the Rabbi mows his lawn.” Now mind you, we weren’t talking about some kind of overgrown jungle left unattended. Our neighbor would proudly march across his lawn weekly in his custom sports jerseys mowing his lawn to measuring stick perfection. My dad, with eleven kids to support and a community requiring his constant attention, didn’t have that kind of luxury. I was fuming—I mean really mad—and prepared myself to march over to their house and give that man a piece of my mind. My dad, is his infinite patience looked up from his bible study and said, “Don’t worry, I will handle him.” “Are you sure?” I asked (quite protectively for seventeen). “Don’t worry, I will handle it,” he said. I believed him and left to blow off some steam at the gym. Upon returning shortly thereafter, I found my dad engaged in his solution; he was mowing the lawn.

That day was a lesson I continue to learn from, and grow from as I mature each day. As always, my dad stayed a few steps ahead. He realized that, sometimes, there are some things you cannot change and some people you cannot control. He understood and internalized a concept I am still working on, that of acceptance. Like the serenity prayer many a client of mine says, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the There are no words to express the feelings I experienced that wisdom to know the difference.” day. I was angry, righteously indignant, politically fired up Today, the neighbor and our family are good friends and, with and most of all disappointed in my dad. In many senses, I eleven kids, eleven grandkids, numerous parked cars, and extra was right. Why let this man get away with treating us with traffic, it seems they too have learned to practice acceptance. disrespect. Who was he? And who were we to enable this It is important to note that acceptance does not mean behavior? Why shouldn’t we stand up for ourselves as Jews subjecting oneself to abuse or degradation, and this is also and Americans? How could we let such behavior and such an important part of knowing the difference. After all, there people win? is an element of every situation that you can control, that Mendi Baron, LCSW, is the founder and CEO of a several residential and outpatient treatment centers for teens struggling with mental health and addiction issues based in Southern California and New York. A passionate advocate for teens in the field of mental health and addiction, Mendi is a go-to expert to start the conversation on critical issues that impact teens and their families. To contact Mendi go to Mendibaron@icloud.com.

being yourself and how you react and adjust to it. Sometimes acceptance means having enough self-respect to know you cannot change others and, thus, wisdom to know how to live your life free of those trolls.

The greatest gift you can give to others is the gift of unconditional love and acceptance - Brian Tracy www.step12magazine.com

NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016 - 43

Who Are You? by Dr. Phyllis and Rev. Carrol Davis

“Who are you?” is the question my husband asked our granddaughter every time he saw her. It is a game he started the first time they met. She was just a toddler of three. She always responded with a grin and the affirmation, “Alexa.” Alexa has grown to become an independent, confident young teen. The last time we saw her, she beat him to the punch. Darting in the doorway, hands on her hips, head cocked to the side, she challenged him with her question, “And who are you?” in her most grown up voice. Laughter followed as they hugged each other hello. How important is the question? Who we believe we are creates the reality of a life of promise or one of desperation. Notice the question we are asking is: who we believe we are. Belief is the key word, not the reality of who we are. Acceptance is one of our most important needs according to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. We need acceptance and approval in order to feel needed, valued, and loved. This driving force starts when we enter the world. We look for acceptance from family, friends, co-workers, and associates in many different ways: for our appearance, work, ideas, beliefs, values, possessions, talents, abilities, etc. The need to be accepted and valued is the root cause of most addictions and problems. What happens to your world if you believe you are somebody you are not? The brain operates much like a computer taking in information from the world around us. Children take in information from the people, places, and situations they are exposed to, creating and developing beliefs and values. What we think determines how we feel, and how we act and/ or react to a situation. If we have positive beliefs about who we are, we make better choices. Negative beliefs cause poor choices creating disappointments and failures. Christians base their beliefs and values on scriptures. Yet many Christians fail in their life choices, careers, and social interactions, suffering from addictions, anxiety, depression, fears, phobias, and mental disorders. Why? The answer can be found in about twelve inches, the distance between our heads and our hearts. Who we say we are and who we believe we are do not match. The beliefs we claim to be true are not reflected in the authenticity of our lives. We say we have certain thoughts, beliefs, and values, yet when held up to the hash critic of reality, we fall short; we miss the mark. Christians look no different than the secular world and we wonder why people are not drawn to Christ. The hope and promises offered in scripture reside in our heads as intellectual belief. Yet, what we believe to be true in our hearts drives our decisions. If we believe the words of Christ in our heads but believe the lies of Satan in our hearts, our lives will reflect the lies of Satan as if they were true.

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Lies You are not acceptable You never get it right You are unloved You don’t belong You have no value

Truth You are a child of the King You are forgiven and accepted You are loved with an everlasting love You were chosen before time began You were created in the image of God

Knowing the truth of who we are, and believing that truth with our entire heart, can turn a life of depression, anxiety, addiction, worry, and illnesses into a life of promise filled with joy and hope. Take steps to open your heart to the transforming power of the risen Lord. Write the truth on post-it-notes of various colors and post them throughout your home. Speak truth into a tape recorder and play the tape as you sleep. Speak the truth and affirm who you really are into a mirror. We challenge you to try these exercises for three months. You will see a dramatic difference in your life. (Excerpts: “Journey of the Soul … Cracked Pots and Broken Vessels” and workbook, “Stop the Violence … Seven Stages to Sanctify,” by Dr. Phyllis and Rev. Carrol Davis, wherever books are sold) © Rev. Carrol graduated from Furman University, ordained in 1975. Honored in Who’s Who, Dr. Phyllis E. graduated from the Union Institute. Davis & Davis were awarded the Christian Authors Award for “Stop the Violence Seven Stages to Sanctify.” Participants give the book, “Journey of the Soul Cracked Pots and Broken Vessels,” and workshops five star reviews as they journey to resolve challenges of living life in a fallen world. www.thejourneypathwaystohealing.net

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Writing Your NOW Story

by Nora Slattery

When you have to face the harsh mirror, and the bitter reflection says all you understood or desired has fallen apart, where do you go from there? That is the point where I felt hopeless. I knew I had a serious problem, even though I was able to hide it from the world as a successful businesswoman—though not from my family or friends. And I could not hide it from myself. I would have liked to, but you look in the mirror, and there it is. Hopeless. I thought I could never be better than the worst I had become. So, who was this horrible person? This loser? Why was I her? I had to know. I am a writer by trade, an investigator, and a reporter. So I picked up my pen and asked myself; how did I get here? Why? What did I want? What do I want? Honestly. That was a hard assignment. I interrogated myself. Truthfully asking where I had gone off the path, did I want to change, and if so, what were the steps back? I put it on paper. I was as clear as I could be. Since only I would read this, I felt free to write down what I could not tell those closest to me, even those who most wanted to help. Some of it was profane, some deeply embarrassing, even shocking,

A Family Business

but some of it almost verged on funny. (That helped.) I wrote the story of my life, as it was then, as it was in the present, but most importantly, how it could be. It saved my life. It took me six weeks and fifty dense pages. Not prettily written or—in parts—coherent to anybody but me, but there it was. The story of where I had been, but also where I hoped (and prayed) I could go. It wasn’t hopeless. Writing it, and then reading it freed me. It allowed me to believe in myself again. I do not think the story of your life is written in stone. Examine the pieces, and find understanding, inspiration, and forgiveness. No, you cannot erase what happened, but you can accept it and in doing so, perhaps, send yourself off in another direction, to write another new chapter. Writing the truth takes courage, but so does life. Just take a pen and paper and give it a try, it might just be the start of your Now story. Nora Slattery is a professional business and speechwriter. She is a certified Journal to the Self™ instructor, teaching a workshop created by the Center for Journal Therapy. She is currently working on a memoir in the UCLA Writer’s Program. For workshop information contact: njslattery@gmail.com.

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NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016 - 45

A Spiritual Good Time Charlie by mark masserant

with a little help from phive filosophers

“I amz what I amz and that’s allz that I amz.” – Popeye T. Sailorman For me, acceptance usually involves some discomfort. Defeat at the hands of alcohol was a victory not easily gained. On the surface, I was sure I had surrendered, yet hidden deep beneath all my bullshit, part of me hoped it wasn’t real. I knew I would be lost for a long time. My journey into recovery couldn’t really begin until I accepted I was an alcoholic. It demanded that I burn the bridge back to alcohol. To the ground. Although more painful than I’d like to admit, it was necessary. After many years of drinking, I wasn’t sure who I was when I got sober, but I had to shed the image that had been created by booze. Surely, the old me would drink again. There had to be a new me, and he would be introduced when the masks and old ideas were discarded. I had to stop trying to be what I am not, and stop trying not to be what I am. “You’ve got to learn to live with what you can’t rise above.” – Bruce Springsteen Stashed for years in my unwanted feelings bank was an extensive backlog of things I had to accept. A few were traumatic. Help was required from my sponsor to identify the working parts of the Serenity Prayer. Wiggle room be damned, it was I who would have to change and I who would have to accept. Everyone else was disqualified. “Could anyone ever change you?” he challenged.

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There’s a good reason why some Twelve Step vendor hasn’t made millions hawking No Pain, No Gain bumper stickers. Nobody likes pain. And alcoholics and addicts drain vast amounts of energy trying to escape from any discomfort, large or small. Nevertheless, you can run, but you can’t hide. No matter how hard you try, sometimes you reach in a grab bag and pull out a turd. “That’s just the way it is. Some things never change.” – Bruce Hornsby Accepting that my beloved old ideas were suddenly unusable was difficult. There were so many to let go of, namely: that I had all the answers, and that people would like me if I had all the answers; that if I was happy, everyone was happy. So many of my old ideas were balonious*. And I wasn’t sure how the new ones would work out in recovery. Furthermore, what was important to me and what’s really important were two different things. I had things upsidedown, inside-out and twisted. It was apparent I had missed some life lessons, and I had to play a quick game of catch-up. “It’s always something.” – Roseanne Roseannadanna Recovery isn’t about learning how to get what I want, but learning how to live with what I get. I had to let go of getting my way, of trying to control. Realizing my limits, I needed to end my feeble attempts at playing God. Naturally, I still had my conniptions when things were going badly. I was a spiritual good-time Charlie. Now and then, I wondered if God had a suggestion box. Occasionally, I had to send myself to my room and let the idiot run around inside of me; he always wears himself out eventually. That’s a good thing. This cat didn’t always land on all fours, though. When things went way south, sometimes I got so mad at God I think I gave him an ear infection. Sorry. “When will I ever learn to live in God?” – Van Morrison Consequently, the path of least resistance is a walk of peace. My emotional barometer, restless, irritable and discontent, warns me when I’m off the path, and it’s hard to ignore. When I stop fighting everybody and everything, the resistance subsides; when I accept God’s will, there is peace. It’s win-win. Despite occasional discomfort, there is a magnificent gift I can accept as I continue on. I can live in the space between two drinks: the last drunk and the next first drink. Amidst the miracle of days, weeks, months and then years of sobriety, I discover something precious between those two drinks; something I had been missing: life. Mine. * aka—full of baloney

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RECOVERY ONLINE Alcohol Addiction Alcoholics Anonymous: www.aa.org Secular Sobriety: www.sossobriety.org Women for Sobriety: www.womenforsobriety.org SMART Recovery: www.smartrecovery.org Drug Addiction/Substance Abuse: Narcotics Anonymous: www.na.org NIDA: www.drugabuse.gov Recovery Program Search Engine: www.recovery.org Sex Addiction Sex Addicts Anonymous: saa-recovery.org Sex Addict Help: sexaddicthelp.com/Links/index.htm Healthy Mind: www.healthymind.com/s-index.html Food Addiction Overeaters Anonymous: www.oa.org ACORN: www.foodaddiction.com Food Addicts: www.foodaddicts.org RFA: www.recoveryfromfoodaddiction.org Gambling Addiction: Gambling Anonymous: www.gamblersanonymous.org/ga Problem Gambling: www.problemgambling.com CCPG: www.calpg.org Other Addictions: Internet Addiction www.addictionrecov.org/ Addictions/index.aspx?AID=43 ReStart: www.netaddictionrecovery Support Groups for Family and Friends Al-anon: www.al-anon.org Al-ateen: www.al-anon.alateen.org/for-alateen Adult Children of Addicts: www.adultchildren.org Gam-Anon: www.gam-anon.org Codependency: Forums: http://www.onlinecoda.net/forums.html https://sites.google.com/site/codacall Mental Health Links SAMHSA: www.samhsa.gov Other Links and Resources http://www.roommatesinsobriety.com Check out Step 12 Magazine on Social Media https://www.facebook.com/Step12Magazine @Step12Magazine https://www.pinterest.com/step12mag www.instagram.com/step12magazine

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NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016 - 47

The Pursuit of Happiness by Judy Redman, Phd

I work and teach in the recovery industry, and I can honestly say there is no one I have more love, empathy, and respect for than the individual who is in early recovery. By far, the most difficult journey I have ever taken was my first year of recovery. Painful doesn’t begin to describe the horror I lived through in that first twelve months. When I entered the rooms, I felt like I was carrying a cross to my own crucifixion. I bore so much hurt on my worn-out frame that I had little hope I was going to make it. I would have preferred a crown of thorns piercing into my flesh over the internal daggers tearing at my mind from the inside out. My head was in psychological torment. With such odds against us, it’s a miracle that any of us ever makes it into sobriety, much less be able to stay and grow there. Many of us arrive into the rooms so devastatingly broken, we are unable to continue on life’s plan. We come in spiritually bankrupt, delusional, angry, ruthless, resentful, hurt, wounded, prideful, devastated, and defensive. Despite all this, by the grace of God, we are able to hear bits and pieces of the message in the meetings which provide us with glimpses of hope. Then, on the flipside, we hear those things that leave us completely baffled, bewildered, and frustrated. When they quip, “Acceptance is the key” what are they talking about? In early recovery, I remember being completely

submerged in self-pity, crying my eyes out in front of my cold-hearted sponsor, only to hear her say the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard in my life: “Acceptance is the key.” What?! Was she nuts? Why would she say something so unfeeling and callous? Didn’t she hear me tell her what those people did to me? It was one of those instances where I was left completely baffled, bewildered, and frustrated. My sponsor understood acceptance was the key to serenity which would open the door, and enable my pursuit of happiness. She knew that until I was capable of grasping the concept of acceptance, I was going to remain behind the locked doors of my tortured mind, forever enduring those daggers of resentment, relentlessly, stabbing at my mental torment. Clarification to my sponsor’s baffling reply trickled in slowly, in bits and pieces. Through the consistent exposure of Reinhold Niebuhr’s well-known prayer, which is popular in recovery: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference”, and the reading: “Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today” on page 417 of the fourth edition of AA’s Big Book, in a chapter called “Acceptance Was the Answer”, and also by observing the actions and acceptance of the old-timers in the rooms, I began to understand the phenomena of acceptance. Finally understanding the need for acceptance, I then turned to the questions “Why do we pray to God to grant and not give us serenity?” Why can’t we just pray for God to give us serenity to accept the things we cannot change? Why do we have to work so hard for acceptance? Why can’t it be easy? My sponsor gently informed me that my questions were examples of my not accepting. I could not move forward until I accepted the process of recovery. I had to accept there were things I was not going to be able to understand but, if I wanted to pursue happiness, I would need to accept the direction I was being given.

Dr. Judy Redman is a leading proponent of recovery. She has dedicated much of her personal and professional life to the betterment of the recovering community. She began her career as a Certified Substance Abuse Counselor in 2000. She began teaching AOD Counseling Studies in 2004 and is currently the Director of Education for New Creation College, Costa Mesa. Currently, Dr. Redman is completing her Dissertation; Motivational Interviewing’s Impact on Addiction Counselors.

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Acceptance doesn’t have to be difficult, but we make it difficult. We continue to burn and steam over the things we are most powerless over. We continue to harbor grudges over and over because of something that happened to us in the past. The work in recovery teaches how to go through those piercing daggers of resentments and to discard them one by one. We cannot re-frame our thinking about resentments until we are ready to give up our current way of processing life. We can choose to keep dodging the internal daggers of resentment in our mind or we can choose acceptance.

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How Do We Know We’ve Found Acceptance? by Michelle Ghirelli

I was once told, “Denial can be a dangerous and deadly thing.” The problem is, when you are stuck in denial, you are the last person to know. As I look back on my life almost two years ago, I think about all the things I was in denial about: the fact that my career was over, that I had actually been arrested, that I had to confront my friends and family, that I had a problem, and that my life as I knew it was going to change completely. For me, it would have been so much easier to crawl into a hole, stay stuck in my denial, and give up on living. However, acceptance is what saved my life. If you asked me now how I was able to accept all these traumatic changes in my life I don’t even think I’d be able to answer. What I do know is that acceptance happened through a lot of time, tears, and work. By no means was I able to wake up one day and be in full acceptance of my past, and there was really no specific moment when I realized I was moving from denial to acceptance. It is a process you don’t notice in the moment but, looking back, you realize how hard you have worked.

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So how did I know I had found acceptance, and that I was allowing my higher power to work in my life? I was more at peace than ever before. Each day, because of the work I was doing, I was able to feel peace in the chaos. A life full of acceptance, acceptance of myself, my past, other people and situations, allows me to find happiness where before I found despair and anxiousness. The art of acceptance is a lifelong gift that must be worked on every moment. Every day, I come across something I need to accept, whether it’s people or situations. The difference today is, I know how to do it. I know I am able to accept things that upset or displease me, and that doesn’t make me a weak person. On the contrary, being accepting of other people, places, and situations makes me the strongest person I’ve ever been. And so I leave you with this: “And acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today …. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake …. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes” (BB pg. 417).

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Life Shows Up It sounds possible: to be in acceptance and yet, it is hard to stay there. This is how it was for me; I watched my life go down the tubes. I was so low, I had no more defenses, reasons, rationalizations. I was tired of trying to make everything seem okay. It wasn’t. I was a mess. I needed to accept that I was an addict and my life had become unmanageable. This acceptance happened once, when I gave up drugs and alcohol. Then, I relapsed on drugs. The acceptance had slipped away. The demoralization had to happen again and I am very lucky it did. I had to re-accept that I am an addict and an alcoholic. On this point, there has been no dithering. I have been clean and sober since then. As I moved into recovery, life showed up—not just the chaos I’d created while I was using, drinking; betraying friends, stealing, and denying my kids an ethical, reliable, caring mom. I created so much chaos when I was using there was no way to find that life acceptable. When I found recovery, I thought all would be well! I would no longer be challenged by what I deemed unacceptable situations. Not! Life showed up. Getting a job, being fired from a job, finding an apartment, having difficulty with the rent, not to mention the changes in relationships which occur when you are there—sober and present. Everything didn’t go my way. There were days when nothing went my way. On one hand, the kids loved that I was present and, on the other hand, they couldn’t run the house anymore. They were angry. Life showed up big time.

by Kyczy Hawk

I had to accept that. I had to accept that I was going to have to grow up and that the world was not going to bow down to me just because I had stopped drinking and using. I got used to that reality and acceptance eased the pain. The longer I am in recovery, the more big kid things come up that renew my acceptance skills: ill and dying parents, grown children with their life issues (including addiction), the aging of my body. Acceptance. Changes in household circumstances, income and job. Developing boundaries in my relationships, some of which cost me the relationship. Acceptance. How do you do it? How do you accept? I’ve discovered that I only ever find acceptance whenever I face my limits of resistance. I don’t want my parents to be ill! My resistance did nothing to change that. When I accepted the situation, I could be of service in a compassionate way. When I stopped resisting my son’s way of finding a drug-free life, I could accept his path. When I stopped resisting my own aging (the changes in my abilities and looks) I could accept the fact that this happens to us all, and resistance is futile. As a person of yoga, I use my breath to help me take a moment—a pause—to disengage from my wants and griefs and just bask in what is. I hold the present moment where everything is alright. Inhale, exhale, slowly and evenly with calm and care. The next thing I know, I am in the hands of my higher power, and the way is clear. Over and over, I resist, but for shorter and shorter periods of time. I use my breath. I take a break. Eventually I accept (people, places and things) and, just when I least expect it, I find gratitude. Kyczy Hawk is in long term recovery and is enthusiastic about her life in sobriety. She is the “secretary” of the “Yoga Recovery” meetings, Sundays 7am PST on In The Rooms ( http://www.intherooms.com/livemeetings/view?meeting_id=144&check=1 ). She is a yoga teacher and author of Yoga and The Twelve Step Path and Life in Bite Sized Morsels. For more yoga tools, visit her website at: http://yogarecovery.com/additional She is aided and amused by her family who keep her busy and humble.

Are you or someone you love experiencing a family, relationship or addiction crisis?

I can help. Scott H. Silverman

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“The hardest thing I’ve had to accept is...”

“Fee

ling e my e very on e of m otio ~ Sa lly W ns.“ , Uta h “Mys ~ Joan elf.“ ie B, C A

“Craving a d rink single day a every n picking up a d not gla ~ Nelson W ss.” , CA

“I’m not God.“ ~ Susan F, Carlsbad, CA

“The party is over.“ ~ Georgina, Miami, FL

“Not everyone has the ability, means, or want to recover.“ ~ Beck G, Florida

are “That there me in e v lo people who yself.“ spite of m NYC ~ Dean M,

“That I h ave heart, aft a good e ~ Alison r all.“ P, CA

“That I a mw ~ Ness E ho I am” , LA, CA “They will probably never make a pair of Spanx designed to fit my body perfectly.” ~ Miss Piggy

“Walking away from my old life and all the boys I went to school with. They’re still there, doing the same stup id things, oblivious to their ad dictions.” ~ Jeremy O, Big Su r, CA “Not going everyone i s to like As m genui long as I’me. every ne and kin on d the bee, I’m dointo ~ Jen st I can.” g nifer L, CA

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y sponsor re things m o -c rd a h e stuff I “All th and all that e m to in d what drumme r. That was a e h to d te the end. never wan d my ass in e v sa y ll a u act J, Ohio ~ Catherine

“Powerlessness.“ ~ Fiona T, LA, CA I of the people gh e m so t a th “Knowing , even thou r forgive me r forget my e v e n l il w e ve lov w. They’ll ne I’m sober no l never trust me again. A past. They’l San Diego, C ~ Lenora H,

“Acceptance.” ~ Helen C, Dalla s,

“I am worthy.“ ~ Jonathon G, CA “My lack of control over the outcome.” ~ Karen V, LA, CA

“That I have a disease with no cure.” ~ Deana C, Facebook “Having to go to my grandmother’s house and ask for her forgiveness. I didn’t go yet.” ~ Tina P, NYC

“The !! GGGHHHH!! R R AAAR ” fe li l a of actu CA San Diego, g o ~ R er M,

“That one of my pa rents is a bad person. Th is toxic person does no good for me and is trying to destroy me from the inside. The saddest part is that I’ve lost a pare nt.“ ~ Zachary R, LA, CA

.” “The loss of the love of my life ~ Diane B, Leesburg Florida “No matter what I do with it, my crazy hair will always stick straight out sideways.“ ~ Pippi Longstocking

“Leaving the past in the past. I can’t help looking over my shoulder.” ~ Kate G, Seattle, WA

“The concept o fa Higher Power.“ Roni, Ecuador NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016 - 51

Death Diaries for Patients:

Is Your Name On A Death Prescription? by Roneet Lev, MD FACEP

udy Garland, Marilyn Monroe, Elvis Presley, Prince, Michael Jackson, Heath Ledger, all world famous entertainers from different eras and backgrounds who share one distressing distinction; each died of an accidental prescription drug overdose. While these deaths are well known, thousands of men, woman and children—who are not rich or famous—die without ever being noticed. Despite that, chances are you know someone who died of an accidental prescription overdose. Sadly, none of the people who die intend to overdose. In 2015, the San Diego’s Medical Examiner’s office worked with the California Controlled Substance Utilization and Review and Evaluation System, CURES, to look at the prescriptions people took in the year before they died. We called this study the San Diego Death Diaries because they tell the story of a person’s life through prescription drug use and abuse. Every day in the United States, over one hundred people die from accidental medication overdoses. The majority, seventy-eight a day, die as a result of prescription painkillers. In 2013, in San Diego County, 254 people died from prescriptions; 186 had data on CURES. This group received 4,366 prescriptions for thirty-three different types of medications, from 713 different physicians, and 275 pharmacies. Eighty percent died from a cocktail of several medications. Methadone was the cause of death in forty-six people; in twelve others, methadone was most responsible for deaths related to a single medication. Do people die if they take their medications exactly as they are told? The answer is, yes, but in significantly lower numbers. Of the 254 people who died, forty-two (16.5%) died using the medication in the doses and intervals they were prescribed, and not combining their medication with drugs or alcohol. There are risks even when taking medication as prescribed—let alone taking too many or mixing medication with alcohol or overthe-counter medication. As much as we wish for everyone to be pain and anxiety free, it is not always possible. Patients—especially those in recovery—need to ask themselves: do I really need this? Ask the same question of your doctor. Here are some tips cultivated from studying the Death Diaries. Please remember that these recommendations do not replace talking with your doctor about your medications. Take medications only as prescribed. There is a fine line between a medication being helpful and being a poison. No extras. More is not better. Do not share your medication. While your intentions may be good, you may be hurting, not helping.

52 - NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016

Use only one doctor and one pharmacy for coordinating your medications. Many patients have different doctors: primary care, psychiatrist, and surgeon, but there must be one who is coordinating the medication to avoid drug interactions. Beware of sleeping pills and Benadryl. Sleep aids depress your central nervous system and have an additive effect on painkillers and anxiety medications. Sleep aids stop being effective after continued use. It is best to use non-medication methods of getting sleep when necessary. Avoid being on pain and anxiety medications at the same time. More than half of the Death Diaries showed this combination. Many people are anxious and in pain, but that does not take away from the risk this combination causes. Do not assume that, because you have been taking your medication for years, they are safe. Sometimes your family and friends are able to see changes in you that you cannot see, ask them about it. With pain medications one must beware of time lapses between dosages. Your pain receptors adjust over time and many people die assuming they can handle the dosage because they did before. Realize there are many alternatives to pain medication. You need to understand your pain, have realistic expectations of pain management, and use alternative methods of care, including ice, heat, massage, acupuncture, acetaminophen, and ibuprofen. Prescription medications can be lifesavers, but when they are misused, unintentionally or otherwise, they can become prescriptions for death. Use this information to reduce your chances of becoming a prescription drug casualty. Dr. Roneet Lev chairs the Prescription Drug Abuse Medical Task Force and is Director of Operations at Scripps Mercy Hospital.

Contact Step 12 Magazine at 760-898-8354

Synaptamine

ifu t u

love you .” nd I a l

“You ar

“Stand in front the bathroom mirror and look at your face. Look directly into your eyes and repeat the following statement five times: ‘You are beautiful and I love you.’ Do this twice a day; once in the morning, and again before you go to bed.” These were my therapist’s instructions. I gaped in horror as she let this information sink in. Look in a mirror? I hadn’t even glanced sideways at a mirror for years. My reflection in anything: a mirror, a window, even someone’s sunglasses, repulsed me. The thought of viewing my reflection on purpose made me nauseous. The first time I did this exercise, I collapsed in a heap on the bathroom floor, howling in pain. I hated myself so completely I couldn’t even look. Then, I got up and stood there, not able to look myself in the eye, taking in the horrid creature I’d grown accustomed to ignoring. It was excruciating to look at myself. Unable to see anyone worthy looking back, I spat the words at the mirror. The pointlessness of the exercise filled me with rage. It was weeks before I felt anything besides anger and loathing. Several times, I picked myself up off the floor and forced myself to look into my own eyes. Sometimes, I refused to look at any other part of my face, and focused on my eyes. Often, they were puffy and red from crying. Other times, I squeezed them shut and numbly chanted the statement, not believing a word of it. At least twice, I crossed my eyes in frustration, doubling the pain. Despite my yearning to throw a rock at the mirror, I kept my

e b ea

by Roni Askey-Doran

promise, as long as I wasn’t prescribed anti-depressants. I practiced the assignment, and recited the dreaded phrase until I finally began to believe it. The first minor breakthrough took a month. Immediately, my therapist noticed the change in my face, especially in my eyes. Standing at the mirror every day was vital. I repeated the mantra until the first glimmer of self-acceptance kicked in. Gradually, I felt a perceptible shift in my emotional state. After several weeks, I smiled at my reflection for the first time. That small gesture brought tears. That morning, I noticed my eyes shone bluer. As I chanted my daily mantra, the darkness began to fade away. Life was looking up, and more positives came my way. This simple sentence had the power to change my perspective, and awaken my long lost self-love. Inside that terrifying looking glass, I discovered someone amazing.

Experience The Twelve Steps Through Music!

Amino-Acids for Brain Health

What is Synaptamine™ and how does it work? Addiction has a high heredity component, based on a reward deficiency trait that may be impacted by the environment. We believe that in order to change the continued epidemic of abuse of opiates/opioids or any other drug and non-‐drug addictive behavior, the La-‐Vita RDS patented aqua–nano liquid product, Synaptamine™, should be a first-‐line defense.

LaVita Scientists, especially Dr. Kenneth Blum, their Chief Scientific Officer, have published many articles proposing that even initially during detoxification, Medically Assisted Treatments (MATs) should be substituted with the non-‐addicting and safe ‘pro-‐dopamine’ regulator – Synaptamine™. This statement it is backed by extensive scientific peer reviewed published articles in prestigious journals. We now know that addiction or Reward Deficiency Syndrome (RDS) [now featured in SAGE Encyclopedia of Abnormal Psychology 2016] is a brain disorder and is due to genetic vulnerability in at least 100,000 million people in the America. Any treating clinician should embrace the concept that both initiation of substance seeking and continued abuse is due primarily to a hypo-‐dopaminergic trait (genetic) or environmentally induced state (epigenetic) or a combination of both. So a major solution must address the low dopamine brain function early on in the recovery process especially when an individual seeks help, clinicians should promote the long-‐term balancing of dopamine function with the laudable goal of inducing “Dopamine Homeostasis” (regulation). There is continuing excitement concerning the consistent positive effects of Synaptamine™. Almost thirty published studies clearly show major anti-‐craving effects, enhanced well-‐being (stress reduction). Synaptamine™ is not a drug rather it is a natural mixture of precursor amino-‐acids to neurotransmitters like serotonin, glutamine, and dopamine, inhibitors of the breakdown of brain endorphins and inhibitors of enzymes known to clear or breakdown dopamine in the synapse. Simply it has been found that Synaptamine ™ has been shown to gently activate (light up) dopamine across the reward circuitry of the brain in abstinent heroin addicts. Studies have revealed that there is an increased recruitment of additional dopamine neurons firing in brain areas involved in reward processing with possible neuroplasticity even in the long-‐term. The Synaptamine model, unlike other detoxification models that continue the addiction cycle, by administering either methadone or buprenorphine/naloxone during this critical detoxification period, definitely by-‐passes this unwanted therapy and starts the individual on a path of victory from the chains of addictive drugs. So what is our secret? 1) 2)

Understanding the mechanisms involved Finding new ways to induce long-‐term dopamine homeostasis.

We achieve this by supplying the abstinent opiate addict with just the right amount of dopamine, which induces just the optimal amount of dopamine to be released from the neuron -‐ without adding MATs like methadone or buprenorphine in any form, rather replacing it with Glutaminergic-‐Dopaminergic optimization (GDOC) as provided by Synaptamine™.

Through continued additional research, along with fellow neuroscientists and clinicians, we may find new ways to further enhance an optimization of glutaminergic/ dopaminergic systems. With Synaptamine you can induce “dopamine homeostasis”, redeem joy and restore hope!

I have children who suffer with depression and/or anxiety. We have tried many medications over the years, but the effects were short term & the side effects were sometimes worse than the depression itself. After introducing my son to Synaptamine, he came to m e one day and said "Mom, I can tell it is working because I am smiling all the time." My daughter's also added Synaptamine to what she was already doing and immediately noticed improvement with her anxiety. Thank you so m uch for this wonderful product! [Wendy A.]

As a mom of 5 k ids and a wife of a recovering addict, saying I’m stressed would be an understatement. Since being on Synaptamine, my stress level has decreased and my energy level has really increased. It also has helped with my cravings for carbs and I even noticed weight loss with this product. I was looking for something natural with no side effects to come along because I didn't want to be on medication. My body never reacted well with anything the doctor prescribed. I am so happy I was introduced to Synaptamine! [C. Hendrix]

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I am a 56 & in recovery from alcoholism. I agreed to start using Synaptamine on the urging of a friend. I began taking it daily and within the first week noticed that I was able to stay sharp in a demanding job without feeling overwhelmed or taxed. I happened to run out of the product over a weekend … the way I felt after suddenly discontinuing its use only reinforced in my mind the great benefits I had been enjoying during m y daily doses. I won't let that happen again as this has honestly given my recovery a boost that I'm not willing to be without. [Bill G.]

Working the steps using the Twelve Songs Workbook with the Twelve Songs CD is a great way to experience Recovery Through Music. Each page of the workbook incldes the lyrics, a picture, and a series of questions that relate to the corresponding song (and step). This is an exciting, fun and affordable new way to enhance spiritual growth no matter what a person is recovering from on their journey

www.SobrietySongs.com

NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016 - 53

ang h W e n Suzan

What a WHANGderful World! Running Around the House Naked

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.” That’s the first line of the Serenity Prayer, so I guess it’s pretty important. Acceptance of the things I cannot change. For example, I cannot change or control what other people say or do, but I can choose my response to it. I’ve heard it said that God exists in the pause between when someone else says or does something, and when I reply. It helps for me to pause, take a breath, and remember that the things people say to me are more often a reflection of them than they are of me. In The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz reminds us not to take anything personally. That includes both compliments and insults. Ideally I have my own sense of self-worth that isn’t dependent on external feedback, so I don’t rollercoaster emotionally with high praise or harsh condemnation from those around me. As a recovering codependent, my goal is to respond, not react. Reacting implies something childish, emotional and impulsive, whereas responding implies something mature, evolved, and thoughtful. I love the saying, “If I’m hysterical, it’s historical.” One of the ways I can maintain my serenity is by identifying and healing my open wounds. If I have no open wounds, then no one can hurt me by throwing salt. If someone came up to me on the sidewalk and said, “You’re a fat, bald murderer!” I wouldn’t get triggered, because I know none of that is true. But if someone said, “You should be on that show Hoarders!” I would probably get defensive, because cluttering has been an issue in my life for decades. I’ve hired professional organizers, discussed it in therapy, and made huge progress, but it’s far from being handled. If a recovering alcoholic’s number one priority is sobriety, then a recovering codependent’s number one priority is serenity. It’s tricky to be in a program where falling off the wagon is so nebulous. With alcoholics or drug addicts, sobriety means you don’t drink or do drugs, and if you do, you’ve fallen off the wagon. What constitutes falling off the wagon for a recovering codependent? If it’s defined as slipping away

54 - NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016

from serenity, then I fall off the wagon regularly. But I see how being in acceptance can help me get back on track. It’s counterproductive for me to rail against the present moment. My boyfriend Jeff and I just moved into a new house. Well, the house was built in 1946, but it’s new to us. I sold the house I owned for the past twelve years, and we’re renting this house together. We are surrounded by boxes, and our lives have become a 24/7 game show entitled, Where Is That Thing I Need Right Now? The idea of unpacking, decluttering, and getting settled into this house is beyond overwhelming. And when I’m overwhelmed, I can get paralyzed. Author Anne Lamott has a great story about her brother. When he was ten years old, he was writing a book report on birds that he had been putting off for months, and it was due the next day. He was at the kitchen table freaking out and close to crying, surrounded by blank paper and pencils and many different books on birds, paralyzed by the gargantuan task he faced. Her father came and sat beside him, put his arm around her brother, and said, “Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird.” Last week, I was in the middle of freaking out about packing for the move, when Jeff reminded me of this story. He just smiled and said, “Bird by bird.” Ah, yes. Acceptance for me right now means that I must accept the current chaotic condition of the house. I will not dig my head in the sand. I will let my gratitude list for this new place surpass my task list. Just for today I can do this, one box at a time. Progress, not perfection. Lao Tzu said, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” So today, I will take a few steps. I will be gentle with myself. I will remember that moving is considered one of the most stressful things a human can experience, and that I’m doing great. I’m so thankful to have a wonderful house to live in, and a boyfriend who makes me laugh every day. And since we have a beautiful front porch, I can take a break and enjoy a cup of tea whenever I want. I can bask in the beautiful rose bushes that grace our yard. And I can feel serene. Until I can’t find the dress I want to wear tonight, and I’m running around the house naked, screaming, “OH COME ON! WHERE IS IT?!” © Suzanne Whang is best known as the host of HGTV’s #1 show, House Hunters, for almost a decade. She also co-hosted Bloopers with Dick Clark on NBC, and FOX After Breakfast with Tom Bergeron. Suzanne played Polly on NBC’s Las Vegas for four seasons, and she’s a double award-winning stand-up comedian. She’s a published author, keynote speaker, teacher, coach, political activist, and metaphysical minister. Suzanne has a B.A. in Psychology from Yale University, and a Masters in Cognitive Psychology from Brown University. She’s currently starring in the sitcom From Here On Out (Here TV), recurring on the new DirecTV series Kingdom, and starring in the hilarious upcoming feature film, A Weekend With The Family, in theaters April 1st. You can find her on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram @suzannewhang.

Contact Step 12 Magazine at 760-898-8354

Humor Page Q: What do you call a cow with no legs? A: Ground beef.

Q: What has eighteen legs and catches flies? A: A baseball team. Q: What would you give to injured lemons? A: Lemonade.

Q: Why did the referee stop the leper’s hockey game? A: There was a face-off in the corner. Q: Where would you learn how to make ice cream? A: At Sundae School. Q: What has more lives than a cat? A: A frog—it croaks every night. Jimmy worked hard all his life and saved every penny of his earnings. Even though he was a rich man, he was a scrooge when it came to money. He loved it more than anything, including his wife, Maria. On the brink of retirement, Jimmy was diagnosed with untreatable cancer. Just before Jimmy died, he said to his wife:

Q: What kind of dog hears voices? A: A Shih-Tzu-Phrenic.

Q: What did did the mother duck say to her duckling? A: “If you don’t behave, I’m gonna quack you one.”

“When I die I want you to collect all my money together and place it in the casket with me. I want to take it all with me to the after life.” Jimmy made Maria promise with her hand on her heart that when he died she would put every cent of his money in the casket with him. Eventually, the cancer consumed his soul, and he was gone. At the funeral, Jimmy was stretched out in the casket in his best suit, and his grieving wife sat draped in black next to their best friend, Nancy. When the ceremony was over, just before the undertaker closed the casket, Maria said, “Wait a minute!”

by Ranay Dato

She was holding a shoe box. Carefully, she placed it inside the casket with her departed husband’s body. The undertaker locked the coffin and rolled it away. Nancy whispered, “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man.” Maria responded, “Yes, I promised. I’m a good Christian, I can’t lie. I promised I would bury his money with him.” “You mean to tell me you just went and put every cent of that so-and-so’s money in the casket with him?” Nancy exclaimed. “I sure did,” said Maria. “I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.”

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by Ranay Dato

NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016 - 55

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56 - NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016

Puzzle Solutions from Pages 32 & 33

Carrying A Message of Hope

Thank You!

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Athlete and surfing extraordinaire Andy Irons struggled with poly-addictions. Hotel maids found his lifeless body in 2010, lying in a bed with the sheets pulled up to his chin. Autopsy results showed Irons died of cardiac arrest from a mixture of cocaine, methamphetamine, alprazolam and methadone.

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Y TR ESR V A O M E S GE S

Heroin was originally called tetra acetyl morphine; the result of a slight scientific misunderstanding.

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An estimated 20 million Americans aged 12 or older have used illegal drugs in the past 30 days. This estimate represents 8% percent of the population aged 12 years old or older. The most commonly abused drugs in the United States of America include cocaine, heroin, inhalants, LSD (acid), MDMA (ecstasy), methamphetamine, phencyclidine (PCP), steroids (anabolic), Vicodin, OxyContin and legal prescription drugs. David Hasselhoff, known for his roles in Baywatch and Knight Rider, struggled with alcoholism for years. After several very public meltdowns, he completed rehab in 2009 and has been sober ever since.

It takes MDMA (commonly known as “Molly” or “ecstasy”) approximatley 15 minutes to reach the brain and begin having an effect on the body.

In the 19th Century, cocaine was marketed in medicines for children, mainly “tooth drops” to alleviate pain.

William Stewart Halsted was a physician and pioneer in the field of breast cancer treatment. One of the “Big Four” founding professors at the Johns Hopkins Hospital, Halsted was the first surgeon to perform a mastectomy. He was also a morphine and cocaine addict.

Methadone was created by chemists in Germany in WWII. Its original intention was to take the place of the scarcely available morphine to work as a painkiller.

In the late 1800s, most opiate addicts were upper- and middle-class women.

Happy Birthday! ISAAC CABALLERO NOVEMBER 4 14 YEARS CLEAN www.step12magazine.com

NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016 - 57

Nov / Dec

Aries Mar 21 – Apr 19

Taurus Apr 20 – May 20

Gemini May 21 – Jun 20

Cancer Jun 21 –Jul 22

Leo Jul 23 – Aug 22

Virgo Aug 23 – Sept 22

2016

NOV - Someone in your family or social group is going through something that is starting to affect your relationship with them. Communication is going to be either strained or outright hostile, but you need to try very hard not to take anything personally. Regarding your finances: charm is a given, but whether you are the one playing the flute or snaking your way out of the basket remains to be seen. DEC - If you own your home or have any kind of investments in real estate, Aries, you might hear some great news this month about the value of that investment. It’s likely to be increasing, and probably will continue in that direction. This could make a big difference in your life in some way right now. In fact, there might be a number of options opening to you. Consider them all carefully, and go for the gold. NOV - With all the social events you’ve attended lately, it’s likely you’ve met some people in the healing professions. These doctors, nurses, and technicians could be useful to you later. Be sure to file their contact information away for future reference. On another front, expect to receive some good news concerning your finances. DEC - If other people around you get loud and angry about a surprise announcement, you should definitely not follow their example—no matter how justified they may be. Screaming at someone isn’t going to mitigate the stress or anxiety, it will only increase it. Be mindful of your role in every conversation, and try to be a force for mutual respect, not power struggles. There will be another day for you to get down and dirty—and get things off your chest. NOV - Exciting news could bring a lot of joy into your life, Gemini. Your income may soon skyrocket, and more opportunities to advance yourself professionally should start coming thick and fast. You may even receive some sort of public acknowledgment. This isn’t the end of the line, however—this is only the beginning! You will be glad to know you can expect this trend to continue for some time. DEC - You’ve been out of the social loop lately, but you are still on the mind of your friends. They’ve been reading your mood and think you need time alone, so if that’s not the case you need to let them know as soon as possible! Get yourself involved in the rhythms and activities of your favorite people and let them know you’d love to tag along when they run their errands, or household chores. NOV - People are apt to try to hit you square on the head with their ideas and thoughts, so be ready for the onslaught of information that may come your way. There’s a distinct advantage to listening to the whole spiel before you react with your own facts and emotions. The problem is that you’re going to be tempted to argue instead of calmly resolve the matter. Practice active listening this month. DEC - It’s a good time to get what you want from people who have never been interested in coming to your aid before. Your charm is strong enough to overcome anyone’s selfishness, and you shouldn’t think twice about celebrating the fact that you have won them over. Invite them out for coffee or even dinner. Now that the ice is melted, it’s time to build on that warmth and create something long-lasting. NOV - Tightening your money belt is not fun, but having the extra cash when you really need it is! Think about long term gains in, and be more thrifty. Order the small size, skip the fancy extras and don’t you dare take a cab! If you enjoy a small convenience today, you will suffer a major inconvenience tomorrow—so do your future self a favor by simply saying ‘no’ to your usual luxuries this month. DEC - Leo, love of all kinds—of friends, of family members, romantic love—flourishes in the home this month as several visitors come to your door, perhaps unexpectedly. One of your guests could bring some wonderful news about money. A strong sense of unity among all those present should be very apparent, at least to you. Anchor yourself in practical matters before you try to prove your point to others. NOV - You may experience a transformation in your thinking. It’s bound to affect every aspect of your life. By always questioning, you work through difficult issues that require a constant reshuffling of viewpoints. Feel free to open yourself up to new ways of thinking as you dismiss old ways that no longer serve you. Now is a terrific time to consider a fresh wave of thought. You’ll be exposed to a new way of truth. DEC - A large gathering of friends, relatives, and neighbors could take place in your home this month, Virgo. You might run into a few old friends you haven’t seen in a long time and enjoy catching up. A former romantic partner could also be present. Are you still interested? If so, pursue it. It might work this time! If you’re no longer interested, perhaps you could now be friends. Think about it!

58 - NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016

Libra Sept 23 – Oct 22

Scorpio Oct 23 – Nov 21

Sagittarius Nov 22 – Dec 21

Capricorn Dec 22 – Jan 19

Aquarius Jan 20 – Feb 18

Pisces Feb 19 – Mar 20

Horoscopes NOV - You will find certain aspects of your life which may have felt disconnected in the past are finally slipping into their proper place in the puzzle. Have faith that all your painstaking planning and organizing is finally going to pay off. This is especially true in love and romance. This month, Libra, spend intimate time with a close partner as soon as the opportunity arises. DEC - You will be faced with some very tantalizing social invitations, be very picky about which ones you accept. Even a quiet night out could snowball into a very foggy morning. You know the usual suspects, so look out for familiar patterns. The leopard cannot change its spots, so if a friend who usually walks on the wild side wants you to walk there with them, say ‘no.’ NOV - Restriction and discipline might not be your forte, Scorpio, but realize that this may be exactly the type of thing you need the most. Try not to expend your energy in too many directions. Focus and channel your efforts into those things you consider the most important. Make sure that most of your day is spent tending to these things. Have you hugged your loved ones lately? DEC - Retail therapy is a very bad strategy for dealing with the dramas you’re going through right now—you can’t buy yourself out of the blues. Any impulse buys you make in the moment might provide a temporary relief of your symptoms, but they definitely won’t deal with the underlying cause. Save your money for another day. Instead, take a walk or visit with a friend—for free. NOV - Appreciate the good things you have. Don’t let another day go by without really paying homage to the people who’ve helped you grow along the way. Take a walk. Climb a tree or help a child build a tree house. Connect with your spiritual side that finds satisfaction in where you are now instead of always feeling a need to search for something bigger and better. DEC - Try to be as generous as you can this month. Your benevolence can open doors and make people remember you in an extremely favorable way. Be the first one to give someone a compliment. Loan a friend a few bucks, or offer to lend a coworker a hand on a particularity ambitious project. The more outgoing you are with your time and goodwill, the faster you’ll feel the karmic results. NOV - When it comes to matters of love and romance, you may need to tone things down a bit. An aggressive approach now may drive your loved one further away from you instead of drawing them closer. Remember that love is a two-way street. Don’t just do things the way you’d like to do them. Capricorn, this month it’s crucial you consider your partner’s thoughts and feelings every step of the way. DEC - If you take every little detail into consideration, your head will explode, and no one wants that. Start the month slowly, but don’t obsess over matters that may turn out to be inconsequential. Your intentions are good, and you genuinely care about the other people involved, as you will demonstrate mid-month. The holidays will have you charming someone out of a bad mood with a razzle-dazzle tap dance. NOV - You may find your love is incredibly magnetic now, Aquarius. All you need to do is be yourself and, suddenly, people flock your way. There are terrific opportunities for you to strengthen the bonds you have with the people you care about the most. Solidify your relationship with soft romantic words and actions. There is an extra sensuality to your mood and actions now. DEC - A big change up is coming to your immediate surroundings—the world around you will be different place by the end of the month. With a change in environment, you’ll experience a change in attitude. What used to seem like a waste of time will suddenly ignite a flicker of hope. It’s time to pick back up on what you thought was a lost cause—because it just might not be so lost after all! NOV - Consider taking a more conservative approach to your actions this month, Pisces, as well as to the way you dress. Others may be rather put off by something that comes across as too flashy. Fashion is apt to be a significant concern for you now, which is fine. Don’t underestimate the power of personal appearance. DEC - Doubting yourself is normal—in fact, it’s healthy. When you doubt your actions, you apply a healthy skepticism to your decision making and help perfect it. Luckily, any doubts you have will be quickly erased this month. December will be full of signs and affirmations that you are on the right path—despite what other people might be telling you. You are swimming with sharks now, but you are in no danger as long as you keep moving forward.

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NOVEMBER-DECEMBER 2016 - 59