if you're going to tell me that you love me please don't

IF YOU’RE GOING TO TELL ME THAT YOU LOVE ME, PLEASE DON’T

a zine of unedited diary entries from january-august 2014 about falling in love and falling out of it. by stephanie knipe

JANUARY “i really like him. i think he really likes me. i like when we are together. i feel like something changes in me, like someone flicked a switch! i feel like we could do stupid shit and it would be fun, he is the kind of guy who makes places fun.” “i think we push one another in the best way possible. we build, WE BUILD! every conversation builds. i don’t want to hold back. i want to know. this rules. leaning into the fear.”

FEBRUARY “nothing has happened here yet. today was good, but in my off moments i feel the need to feel upset in fragments. there is so much to process that i don’t want to process.”

“if i asked you to be my boyfriend what would you say?”

MARCH “i obviously am falling in love with you or whatever, all i know is that i curled into your chest this morning and i felt safe and i am so sure about you and i miss you” “i am worth the world and you are worth the world and i would like to give you many things that i own and new things and things that we can make together.” “the same day i decided i was in love with you, you broke up with me. i feel like something was ripped from me and i didn’t even get to tell you yet. am i in a real body?”

APRIL “i am in a room full of people and i feel sad and i feel like i miss you. this morning i woke up and was thinking about missing you, missing you is a part of my day every day, even though you are a text away and you wouldn’t mind if i called you. you know, i am not over you, but i don’t need you, and i’m not sure i even want you. it’s this feeling that sticks with me - and maybe its just a feeling that isn’t real or isn’t comprehensible. maybe it’s just an idea, a missing of an idea that i thought could happen. for once i thought that i had something real, something that wouldn’t fuck me up, or leave me with nothing in my hands except a promise of love on a future date. in two years time i will love you. for the first time i felt reality in my hands and i thought that it was in the strands of your hair that i pushed away from your forehead so many times. i don’t know where it went, maybe i brushed too hard and maybe it fell under my bed and i just have to clean and i’ll find it again.” “i think about him a lot but it’s like, just me trying to put him in a positive light, i want to punch him in the face”

“you were never nice”

MAY “what is love if it is not screaming at you in the face? i looked at you now and i felt taller, i pretended i didn’t love you anymore. on that stoop you said that you could give me all that i wanted and i smiled because i knew you really couldn’t. don’t give me anything, do it out of instinct.” “the night we broke up you were telling me stories of girls you’ve slept with. i’ll become a story that you’ll tell later” “watch yourself repeat “if not now then never” ‘if not now then never,’ understand it” “it is not fair to me that this somehow is suddenly my decision, it was your decision, you made the decision. i am coping with that decision”

JUNE “a couple in front of me just crossed their legs over one another and are reading separate things. their legs are crossed at their calves and ankles overlapping one another. “you know when you lean close to someone you like - when you lean over their shoulder, or move closer to them to see what they’re reading? there’s such a “moment” there. you lean in and you smell them, and you haven’t been close to them in a bit (or ever) but you’ve been thinking about it all night. any chance you can to get closer you take. it’s not even really an urgency? maybe just a desire to be near. i really like being near him.” “on the subway and your finger sort of rubs against my hand on the bar, i thought maybe you would kiss me in the park, but i liked the crosswalk in bushwick, something about it - impromptu, public yet private to you and me, the man singing ‘oh to be young in and love’”

“i am tired of loving a ghost�

“i used to be passionate but now i’m just tired and jealous”

JULY “the last time we kissed a million mosquitos bit at my legs i think they were trying to tell me something. why do i keep going back to you?” “fuck you. i didn’t sign up to be an actor in your film and i also didn’t kiss you that evening because i thought it might be my last. i did it because i love you and i miss you. you didn’t have to brush the hair away from my face if you knew you’d be telling me the same thing you did 3 months ago, clockwork. i don’t want to love you anymore. you hurt me so skillfully, not enough to make me stop loving you. it’s too bad that i love you. it’s a shame, it’s a waste. i’m fucking exhausted. fuck you. i will move on and put you to rest and that will be the end of that. goodnight.” “my sister got married today and i cried for a lot of different reasons”

AUGUST “i keep thinking you’re going to walk up the stairs of the visitor’s parking lot but it’s just people that look like you. i’m not in love with you but i think i still love you. it doesn’t matter anymore” “i don’t think about you anymore unless i’m two minutes before rest” “i am finally done with accepting love that is not complete” “i kissed her in a dark room of a stranger’s house and i feel amazing”

STEPHANIEKATHKNIPE @GMAIL.COM