used to be the person who was always smiling and happy; nothing in the world could bring me down. Most people liked to be around me because they liked how honest and trustworthy I was. There are a million words that can define a person. Most people in high school judge others for what they wear, who they hang out with, and, most importantly, what they hear about them. Not one person in this world is the same as another. That is why so many people love college. In college, nobody knows each other or talks about one another as frequently because they’re more concerned about their well-being. I’m currently trying to find out who I am and the person I want to become. Even though I was considered “popular” in high school, winning prom queen and winter sports queen, I still felt like a ghost. Playing sports, however, made me feel a little more like myself because I believe playing sports involves being part of a team and using everybody’s strengths and weaknesses. I played basketball, volleyball, and ran track in high school. My school was very small and my graduating class consisted of thirty seven people. Being in such a small school, it wasn’t hard to join sports or even get a starting spot on the varsity team. It was nice. However, since everybody knew each other, people always knew who said what. And word traveled fast. Gossip was the downfall of all the sports teams in my high school because the majority of my teammates hated one another. Nobody has a secret in the town of Las Animas; once one person finds out everybody in town knows. In the summer of 2012, my volleyball coach put on a summer camp for all the nearby schools. Of course I went because I was approaching my senior year of high school, and it was expected of me. As I was running up and down the court, I couldn’t stop coughing. I thought I had strep throat. I went to the only clinic in town; my Aunt Rose worked there. The strep test came out negative, but I wanted to get on birth control since I was already there. I already knew the drill because birth control was important to my aunt. She was always telling my cousins and me that we needed to get on birth control. So, I waited patiently for her to process the pregnancy test. I waited for her to tell me I was not pregnant, so I could go pick up some pills from the local pharmacy. Instead, her face turned pale white as she stared with a blank look. I knew then, something was wrong. At the age of seventeen, I found out I was nearly two months pregnant. I couldn’t grasp what my aunt was saying and why she was shocked walking out of the office. My boyfriend and I were fighting, which wasn’t unusual because Beau liked to talk to other girls while we were dating. Yet even though we were fighting, I couldn’t help but cry as I called to tell him the news. Beau, being the boy he was, did not believe me. That was until we went to Wal-Mart that night. I bought two more tests and each came out positive. Nothing felt real anymore. My mind and body separated from one another. The thought of telling my parents brought knots to my stomach, a slow and painful ache. Beau wanted to go on with life like everything was normal and fine, but it wasn’t. Nothing was ever going to be the same.
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I didn’t leave Beau’s side unless I had to. I felt like he was the only one who knew what I was feeling, but he didn’t feel anything. Beau kept talking about how he was going to go play baseball in Arizona, and how he was going to get a job and send me money. I just looked at him and cried. I said, “This is not a joke, I’m really pregnant, Beau.” Then, I could feel the fear run through him as he laid his head on my chest and cried until my shirt was soaked. I hadn't seen him cry like that since he broke his collar bone in the 6th grade. For once in my life, I didn’t know what to tell him or how to react. The realization of a person living inside my stomach finally hit me. It was real; I was seventeen and pregnant. Knowing I was pregnant killed both of us inside. We were still in high school, and had the rest of our lives ahead of us. Telling Beau I was pregnant was the scariest conversation I’ve ever had, but I knew telling my parents would be like kicking the bucket. When I finally told my mom, she cried. She didn’t want to believe what she had just heard. I made her tell my dad because I couldn’t tell the only man that loved and took care of me that I was now a disappointment to my family. I’ve looked up to my dad ever since I can remember, because my mom and I don’t really get along, having cheated on my dad numerous times. Beaus’ mom, Carmen, knew about this because I told her in trust. Yet, when she found out I was pregnant, she said I had no right to raise a baby in a broken home. Carmen also said I was ruining Beau’s life. Those words cut me like a knife. Everybody knows it takes two to make a baby and I didn’t get pregnant on my own. Our parents argued for hours until my dad finally told Carmen to shut up and stay out of our lives. What I didn’t know then was, before our parents talked, Beau told Carmen and she got on the phone and immediately called the closest town to see how much an abortion was. When Carmen called and told me the price, I put my hands to my mouth to stop from throwing up. Carmen never asked me what I wanted to do about the situation. After all the arguing, I decided to stay home. I sat on the couch for two weeks and didn’t eat or sleep. I just let time pass me by. My family was very concerned, but I couldn’t talk to anybody. I was lost and confused; I didn’t know what I was going to do. Then, my dad asked me if I wanted to be home schooled because the kids at school would give me a hard time about the pregnancy, and my dad did not want me to go through that. However, I realized I wanted to go to school and finish my senior year just like everybody else. I wanted a normal senior year, to be with my friends before I went off to college. I also realized how hard it was going to be to raise a child on my own, and wouldn’t be able to go to college in the fall. So many feelings were going through my body and mind all at once. Tears filled my eyes faster than I could catch my breath. Crying was the only thing I could do.
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More tears came as I was driving to Colorado Springs. I was about to make the biggest mistake of my life, yet I put the pedal to the metal and didn’t stop. Beau and my family had already made the decision for me. An abortion was the only conclusion that was going to make everybody happy, except for me. I hated anyone who ever had an abortion, or anyone that said they would have one if they ever got pregnant. That was until I was in the same situation. I was about to have an abortion, about to take somebody’s life, a life that hadn’t even experienced the joy of it themselves. I never have been so scared in my life, that moment when I was lying on that cold table in that little blue gown. Chills ran through my body as I laid there shivering from fear of what was about to happen. While staring at the ceiling, there was a painting of a cloud, I guess to make me feel better, but it didn’t. All of a sudden, the doctor and nurse came into the room together, happy as could be. It made me sick to see them so happy, knowing what they were about to do. I remember the lady asking me what I really wanted, and I said I wanted to go to Boston to watch the Boston Red Sox beat the New York Yankees. I kept waking up and falling back asleep. I had no clue where I was. I just remember sitting in a recliner and that there were other people being walked into the same area, also seated on recliners. I stared at the nurse for at least fifteen minutes as I was becoming conscious again. The medication they stuck into my arm made me feel like I was in that cloud on the ceiling. I couldn’t feel anything, but I wanted to see Beau. Everything I had just gone through was nothing I imagined it to be. Beau wasn’t even allowed into the room with me when I had the ultrasound; this made me feel even more scared. All I wanted was to go home, to lay in bed and sleep. When I finally got back home, my mom and I dropped Beau off and then went home. After dropping Beau off that day, I never went back to that house. The day I had the abortion changed my life forever. I hardly ever smile anymore. I don’t enjoy sports as much as I used to. I played sports my senior year and went to a few parties like the rest of my class-mates. I would’ve given everything up to raise a child, but I chose the other route instead. When Beau and I finally broke up, it was the hardest way to end my senior year. I felt alone and nobody understood what I was going through. Less people wanted to be around me because I was emotionless, numb. When people asked me if I was pregnant or hinted at the question, I would answer rudely and tell everybody to mind their own business. The day a life was taken from me was also the day I lost my life. I’ve never been the same since, and may never be the same again.
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