“Starve without your skeleton key...” Kurt Cobain
I’d like to dedicate this song to our lord Jesus Christ who was with me all the way through this competition and who saved my family when we our power bill was overdue.
This song is called “Life support”.
We were amazing You were the one I couldn’t want you more I could tell you no lie But then you took all I was You took all I am You hooked me up let the machines run Left behind a smoking gun I’m on life support I’m on life support No excuse for it I am no more. Came around that day “got something to say” I couldn’t face you no more I had to show you the door But then you took all I was You took all I am You hooked me up let the machines run Broke me with a loaded gun I’m on life support I’m on life support No excuse for it I am no more. I’m on life support I’m on life support No excuse for it I am no more. I am no more I am no more we are no more…
Square peg presents...
Dave: zombie hunter - autotune Written by Stewart Cook Art by Ryan Vella
I’m on life support I’m on life support No excuse for it I am no more. I am no more I am no more we are no more…
fuckin’ auto-tuned douchebag!! ARGH!!
Why are you even watching this show if you hate it so much?
Because I like to yell at the stupidity of it all. you know, “I’m as mad as hell and I’m not gonna take it anymore”.
huh?
You know what I’m not even attracted to you.
Fuck me. Why are we together?
I’m just used to being with you. woah Jenny hang on.
Er ...
Hey baby please I’m sorry! Wait... are you breaking up with me?
No you hang on! You know nothing about everything! I’m sorry?
and You know fucking everything About nothing.
evan you suck in bed! You’re all “how is that baby?” “do you like that?” “does it feel good?” Take some fucking charge
Jenny honey I’m sorry! please listen I just ...
just Enjoy yourself and stop worrying about everyone else’s reactions to every little thing you do or say!
No you listen you over bearded, pleasant to everyone fuck off pile of beige, you’re dull, you look like every other guy out there, you like all the same weird and quirky, obscure random fucking shit, you mumble all your words and are ok with fucking everything. Get some fucking passion up ya, cut your fucking stupid ZZ Top beard off and go enjoy your life for yourself!
But game of thrones really is a good show!
Get. the fuck. out!
NOW!
I...
NOW!
Dave, we’ve received news of a zombie outbreak. You’re gonna need to go stop it.
Dave! Hey How are you pal? Sounded great out there, the echotron 4BXY makes you a regular Sinatra!
An outbreak?! But I thought that the real DAVE had saved us from the end of the world!
oh Hey RANDY. thanks man, i felt good out there.
listen you little shit, you ARE Dave!
come here!
So shut your mouth, save the world for Me and collect your royalties!
Otherwise we will replace you with a newer, younger and more demographically acceptable Dave. Got it?
replace me?
now head down to wardrobe and suit up. You’ve got an outbreak to deal with.
It’s time for a ratings boost!
news just in, oh god, the dead have once again returned to life. Reports of a full blown zombie outbreak are coming in.
please stay with us while we try to confirm these reports...
a childcare centre in lower downtown has been over run. This amateur footage was just uploaded onto YouTube. it appears the outbreak is real!
the Army Reserve have been called in to support law enforcement as this day of mayhem continues. the death toll thus far is estimated in the hundreds. although there is no official tally yet, we will keep you posted as the numbers come in.
a Horrific report has filtered in from abortion clinic ‘Hasta La Vista Baby’. it appears that undead foetuses are gorging on the brains of religious fanatics protesting outside...
it’s almost, hypnotic...
can’t... stop... watching...
Fuck YES! The zombie apocalypse, finally!
...again!
ten years ago the rancorous ranks of the undead arose when dr. tiberius magus experiment’s went awry.
some good people died. my mate chuck was lost to us, my girlfriend vera and the entire monty family was finally removed from the face of the earth.
never to be heard of ever again. ever. by anyone, for any reason. EVER.
work it dave, that’s right
eat wood zombie scum!
run! GO! FUCK!
you’re the best dave ever!
stabby, stabby, stab, stab!
fucking die bitch!
somewhere along the way, i became a product.
oh wow I’ve got over 100 likes already!
a name used to sell shampoo and soap.
dave, help me!
what the shit?!
dave??! ARGH!!
oh my god!
shit!
shit!
shit!
shit! UNGH! a franchise, a commodity.
oh shit! oh shit!
zombies are real!! zombies are fucking real?!
ouch. oh god!
what...? a skeleton?! where’s the rest of him?!
i’ve gotta get out of here
the money makers turned me into a joke.
get down!!
the sprit of rock lived on in a few...
...!!
hold up kid. mother bitches!
but not the many
we’re better off sticking together
I’m jen, what’s your name? Ha?! What do you mean?! I’ve had five number one hits this year alone!
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh man I should have recognised you! you’re not really dave!!
I’m dave, dave zombie hunter
that’s what I mean! arrrgh! Save me!!
when i saw the news reports, I knew it was time to act.
uh oh... to emerge from my self imposed exile...
dave, do Do something something!! DAVE! Save us!!
...and
save
the
g n i k c fu
DAY!!
catch!
Fucking awesome! awesome!
stand back imposter! Fucking awesome!
limp!?
Imposter? I’m DAVE for the now generation. You’re too limp to be DAVE.
i’m not limp all the time...
just most of the time!
I thought you were dead! We all thought you were dead?!
your legacy has been reduced to this...
I’ve been away, training with the tibetan monks of Tibet in the ancient undead killing art of zom-fu!
Quiet REPLIDAVE!
REPLIDAVE?
did i stutter Limpy?
hey?! I’m right here!
Zom-fu?
let’s talk further in the davemobile
we’re too exposed out here by the way, Hi I’m DAVE. DAVE ZOMBIE HUNTER.
I’m JENNY, a pleasure to meet you. I’m a really big fan!
I’m er... Mike, actually. You’re REPLIDAVE now.
repliwhat?
what’s going on here?
how did the outbreak start? I thought I sorted this ten years ago?
randy my manager might know more, he had the news before anybody!
RING RING RINGRING RING RING you gonna RING answer
RING RING You have it wrong JENNY, I never left you... you left me.
your manager? it had to have been the tv station?! this is all just a big PR stunt!
RING RING RING RING
that?
dammit dave, Why did you leave us?
ugh, evan. Hello JENNY. How are you?
Well I’m in the middle of the zombie outbreak with the fake DAVE and... Fuck you JENNY! You’re stuck in a zombie apocalypse and now you can see that it’s not all fake and mirrors...
Also while we’re at it evan, You’re and your are two very different words!
Shut up, it is what I say it is!
You mean smoke and mirrors?
Oh I get it... but you sound fucking stupid saying it!
Shut up!! You get what I’m trying to say...
mother fucker, he just hung up on me!
He has a sweet beard.
He sounds charming boyfriend?
oh just Shut up. ex, now. Recently. I guess.
So if you’re the real DAVE, then what am I supposed to be? I mean I’m real too. You can fake reality son, but you can’t fake real! It’s not your fault you’re not me, but you don’t need to be. Only I need to be me.
huh..?
what I need is for you to point me to the TV studio, you can be my pointer
less talk. more point
I don’t think you’re utilising my skills as best possible.
it has escalated rather rapidly. Woah. This is really bad.
Don’t talk like that!! You’re supposed to be able to fix this?!
Honestly, I’m not sure I can.
What?!
I’m just one man JENNY. Sure I’m still vital, still fucking like a wild, unbroken stallion, but still Just one man. I’m here, i’m useful! Seriously? dude, look at how tight your pants are.
look. I can chip away at this problem, I can survive, I can teach others to survive with me. even limpy. But stopping this is beyond just me. We need an army...
An army of DAVES!
...to be concluded!
pin-up by sarah glover
Dave: zombie hunter
‘dreams’ by matthew and robert hall
the name’s dave. worlds greatest zombie hunter.
somehow, I find myself asleep in the drain!
suddenly there’s a z0mbie behind me and it’s after my brains!
ugly sucker!
i escape the zombie and his buddies
it’s hard work but somehow, suddenly, I’ve lost all my clothes.
well at least I found these two apples to eat, but things around here are getting weird!
i knew you’d be here too zombie punk
i knew you’d be here
woah, a talking zombie, that’s a new one!
i’m not giving up easy
i put on a new shirt... ok, that’s a lot of them coming this way.
...it’s muscle time!
i also throw on some new pants
i feel the wind on my face
oooh yeah!!
it’s go time!
whhaaatt?
all that craziness was just a dream...
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