St Kilda News Edition 10

ST KILDA NEWS 10th Edition Dec-Jan 2011/2012

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EDITION

Join the St Kilda News team as a volunteer.

Open Newspaper St Kilda News welcomes submissions from members of the community. Submissions of any length including articles, photos and artwork are accepted.

If you notice a significant error in the newspaper please contact editor@stkildanews.com

Contact details St Kilda Newspaper www.stkildanews.com PO Box 1427 St Kilda VIC 3182 Phone: 1300 48 55 11 Advertising sales: 0405 845 548 Advertising email: ads@stkildanews.com Distribution email: distrib@stkildanews.com Public submissions: submit@stkildanews.com Print run: 10,000 copies EDITOR-IN-CHIEF Joel Cohen editor@stkildanews.com A ART DIRECTOR O’keito Shortte okeito@stkildanews.com O

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Meet A Local Nicole Saade from Phamish

S SUB-EDITORS Rachel Lian R rachel@stkildanews.com ra Matthew Coote M matthewcoote@stkildanews.com m Angel Torrijoasalias A angel@stkidlanews.com a O ONLINE EDITOR Rachel Lian R rachel@stkildanews.com ra P PHOTOGRAPHY Hayden H Charles hayden@stkildanews.com h E Jong eric@stkildanews.com Eric SOCIAL MEDIA S Ta Tania Sullivan ta tania@stkildanews.com A ARTS Aaron Webb A aaaron@stkildanews.com R RESTAURANTS MF M mf@stkildanews.com m H HEALTH Dr Dan D drdan@stkildanews.com d L LIFESTYLE Miss Delish M missdelish@stkildanews.com m Mr Corbs M mrcorbs@stkildanews.com m Dr. Hilary Farquarson D drhilary@stkildanews.com THIS EDITION Melissa Sweeney John Malham Miz Phoenix Fashion Massacre Doggie Dee Ben Longley Ranger Zippy Gator Angel Torrijos Members of the St Kilda Community

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There’s No Place Like

Home...

By Emma-Eileen Thorpe eethorpe@stkildanews.com danews.com

The first time I visited St Kilda was in honour of my birthday. My boyfriend and I were living in a place called Nyah – for those of you who have heard of it – and we decided to have a wee holiday in the infamous St Kilda. As soon as I got off the tram (and at the wrong stop) I thought I’d returned home to Edinburgh and the lovely seaside suburb of Portobello, where I’ve lived for twenty years. I immediately felt comfortable.

We left Nyah for good and returned to St Kilda to live and work.

Christmas Away From

by GATOR

Photograph by Hayden Charles

FOR LIFE IN THE MODERN WORLD

Home

gator@stkildanews.com

e telling I have to confess. I’ve been a fib for quite some time now. It’s just a small, mildly off-white lie, nothing too serious or hurtful, but still an untruth.

I think it has been long enough now, though. It’s time for me to tell the truth.

Are you ready for it? I don’t, in fact, live in St Kilda!

There, I said it. It’s out. Oh, the freedom of honesty. Now I can relax. I know it’s not really that big a deal. The joys of the Internet today means you can write articles from practically anywhere.

But considering that all of my articles somehow relate to that great town you call home, (and that I miss dearly), I thought that, come December, with the new year not far away, I best be letting my readers know the whole truth.

I live on the Gold Coast, a place I used to think was a far cry from the hustle and bustle of the St Kilda streets: all golden beaches, golden tans, golden smiles, tacky pubs and phony pleasantries.

At first I didn’t know what I was doing up here. I missed home so much. I was lost. I rang my sister incessantly. I dreamt

Through closer inspection, I have found that Portobello and St Kilda are not very different. Visually they are similar (minus the palm trees). We too have the golden sand, busy esplanade, various parks, and an abundance of residences. The views are equally impressive: from Porty beach, you can see out to the North Sea and across the water to Fife (on a good day), the coastal line takes your eye to East Lothian and the City behind you, with the stunning Castle and Arthurs Seat. All that’s missing from Portobello is the sunshine, not quite sure I’m brave enough to spend Christmas on the beach in below freezing temperatures.

Community spirit is central too. The Portobello Community has successfully regenerated interest in the area, and is again the busy seaside resort it once was for locals (and now many tourists)

to enjoy. On a ‘hot’ summers day in Scotland (we Scots consider seventeen degrees to be a heat wave) Portobello beach is extremely busy with families, dog walkers, and people filling the beer gardens that line the promenade – a scene not that far removed from a sunny afternoon in St Kilda. We too have an Espy.

Sadly, some of the local businesses in Portobello have fallen victim to the economic crisis, but the community spirit still shines. I hope that when I return home in a couple of years, Portobello will be thriving just like St Kilda. I won’t be clicking my ruby shoes anytime soon.

of packing up and leaving this gold-dust town and venturing back south to join all the misfits I love so dearly.

It’s amazing how one town, its people, and what it represents, can have such a wide spread effect on people. And, you know, it’s not so much the glorious sunsets over the crystal bay, or the kooky little shops popping up in hidden corners that you miss. Nor is it the wide variety of delicious, ethnic eateries. No. What you miss, are its people: the community, the sense of belonging, the friendship that welcomes you in, gives you a big hug, buys you a beer and helps you get a cab home.

Maybe I’m getting emotional because it’s Christmas – the season of goodwill to all men, a time to re-connect with your human family. And maybe St Kilda reminds me of that: a big human family with people from all walks of life, all races, all backgrounds. It’s a place where the weird, the wonderful, the lost, the lonely, the rich, the poor, the stiff and the loose are there, just… kinda hangin’.

Just recently, I found my second new home. It’s a little café, just around the corner from me, called - yep, you’ll never guess - “Little St Kilda” Café. It’s a quaint old block, full of Astro Turf, a very eclectic collection of pictures on the wall, and tunes that vary from the Rolling Stones to Angus and Julia Stone. It’s just like home. The café is run by Kate, a

rocking chick who spent ten of her finest years in your beloved city and decided to bring it back north with her. You see?

Your town …it affects people. It has an impact.

I wasn’t sure where this article would take me this month. Somehow I thought I would end up aiming my dry, witty (and generally unwelcome) humour in the direction of fat, dirty old men, dressed up in red jump suits, trying to fit down your un-used Melbourne chimneys. (Until, that is, I remembered that most of the characters down your way are far more unusual than any fat bastard dressed up as Santa). Yet here I am, getting a little soft, a little emotional, and ever so appreciative of that lovely home of yours.

So, I say, keep up the Christmas spirit this month. Be thankful that you live in one of the best cities, let alone one of the best countries, on earth, express a little of that brotherly love to each other, help out the Sacred Heart Mission, be a little patient on the roads, say thank you to your tram driver as you jump off the 16 (heck, even say Merry Christmas to him), give Murray a cigarette, if the grumpy old bastard wants one, and, well, if you see me at the Vineyard come the end of year (of course I’m heading south over the holiday period), uphold that festive spirit and buy me a beer!

HO HO HO Everybody and Merry Christmas, Mother Fu***rs. Love yas!

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Letters to the Editor

Send your letters by; MAIL: Letters to the Editor, St Kilda News, PO Box 1427 St Kilda, VIC, 3182 EMAIL: letters@stkildanews.com Letters must be short and written with the understanding that St Kilda News has the right to edit, reproduce and communicate these letters to third parties.

On Saturday night, November the 5th, Melbourne’s first hot day, I took a walk down to the beach with my partner’s child to check out the fairy penguins.

The beach was packed at 8pm, with families and a smattering of people taking in the sunset. To my complete disgust and amazement, the landscape of the beach and the surrounding parklands were carpeted with an appalling amount of litter. It’s not the first time I’ve seen this in my suburb.

During the recent school holidays, I found myself cleaning up O’Donnell Gardens and approaching the litterbugs responsible to do their bit and clean up after themselves.

There were plenty of bins available that day. Not so at the beach last night. The

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Beach Santa and The Palacio Brothers ring in some very cool St Kilda Christmas cheer!

Amanda Mills amills@stkildanews.com The St Kilda Village Traders Association will be rolling out a number of very cool festive activities from Friday December 9 until Sunday December 11 as we head towards Christmas 2012.

A letterbox drop of retro Christmas postcards will be delivered to local residents or available for collection at various traders over the next couple of weeks.

The retro style postcards capture the essence of St Kilda and in the spirit of keeping things local, the cards have been heat sealed and made ready for distribution by those participating in the Job Works program at Bayley House, a Brighton based not-for-profit organisation, providing services for intellectually disabled adults for 60 years.

“The purpose of the cards are to wish local residents and visitors a Merry Christmas, as well as reminding them to spread their Christmas cheer by dining and shopping locally this festive season” says Bianca Dawson, President of the St Kilda Village Traders Association.

Jingle Bells... with a Latino flavour...

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bins were filled to overflowing. Some people had left their rubbish at the foot of the bins, but others had just given up and left it wherever it happen to fall. The amount of alcohol bottles strewn over the beach disgusted me. I thought it was an offence to drink on the beach! If the council is going enact these laws, then they ought to be able to enforce them.

And while they are at it, why don’t they start monitoring the litterbugs and the build up of garbage over the day? If the council can afford to employ people roving the streets at 3 am booking cars, then surely they can employ people to control the alcohol consumption on the beach and keep the litter out of the bay.

Think of the revenue! Obviously the council needs to supply more garbage bins and extra pickups during these busy times. They also need to have more

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signs stating that littering is an offense.

I certainly find it offensive. Wake up Port Phillip Council. St Kilda attracts thousands of tourists. Your failure to implement the infrastructure to cope with this, leaves me appalled at your lack of insight.

Mandy Vuksanovic

Alter Latino beats and electro cumbia while his brother, Professor Hernan Palacio, plays the role of emcee, boldly inviting passer-by to discover their inner Latino!

Whether it is playing a trumpet, popping party poppers or blowing bubbles, Professor Palacio is determined to create a party atmosphere and get locals and visitors up on their feet.

Local artist Drasko Bolijevic has designed a solar sound system for the musical entertainment, complete with umbrella and banana lounges for the popular Latino brothers to deliver their unique and lively beats.

The Palacio Brothers will be playing from 3-7pm on the Friday 9 December and 12-4pm on Saturday 10 December and Sunday 11 December.

Beach Santa by the Sea St Kilda has long been known for its unique beach culture and this Christmas is no different.

In true Aussie style, the big man in red will be ditching his sleigh and traditional suit for a pair of thongs, board shorts and bright shirt. Listen out for the ring of his bell as he Ho Ho Ho’s his way around the Acland Street shopping strip, handing out gifts to one and all.

Beach Santa will be out and about on Friday December 9 from 3-5pm, and on Saturday December 10 and Sunday December 11 from 1-3pm.

For more information and event details visit www. stkildavillage.orrg.au or follow on Twitter (#stkildavillage1) or Facebook (StKildavillage)

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Smith Street, The Winds Of Change

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do we want? Inclusive or selfcentered?

What a wondrous thing Golf is. I write Money seems to be the DOGGY DEE tthe word golf with a capital G because it bottom line and to hell with the DD@stkildanews.com is undoubtly a phenomenon that affects all consequences. cclasses and ages.

Ultimately, whom do the This week I volunteered at the President’s State Government and Council C Cup. All the appearance money from the represent? players is donated to a charity of their choice. Some of the Salik cites a proposed development in players even have a trust, so that the donations can be spread his area of Elwood in a small Cul-de Sac around. So, as well as watching good players “do their stuff ”, where seven two story dwellings are proposed you get to be a part of something worthwhile. You get to ignoring the heritage overlay and the amenity watch people from all walks of life stand for hours on end in of this intimate, village-like neighbourhood. a crowd, in all sorts of weather, lining fairways and watching Again the developer only sees the bottom line someone hit a small, white ball with a variety of sticks, until and will probably fight it all the way to VCAT. it disappears into a hole. At which point you all erupt into And they have the money to do it. raptures of joy. As you applaud and smile, you catch the Originally screened at the Collingwood eye of a fellow spectator, and, suddenly, you connect with a gallery in Smith St, the film will screen on the kindred soul.

31st of January 2012 at the Tap House.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not knocking the game. Like so *- quote from the article in the Age many other people, I love it. I spend every Saturday morn news paper on the 29/09/11 by Gabriella at sparrow’s fart chasing the elusive white object of joy and Goslovich. frustration. But my point is that, because we are players, we can connect with other unfortunates who are also addicted (I have found that if you have to start a conversation with a complete stranger at a social event, golf is a real good icebreaker). That is why we can stand about watching a “pro” doing what they do.

Wouldn’t it be great if we could apply this “we do it, so let’s watch someone else do it well” philosophy to other things as well?

Like shopping. We all shop, but only a few know how to sniff out a bargain or the right gift for that hard-to-please relation. So if you see a woman in a shop select and buy an item you would like yourself, you could stand by the till and applaud, cheer, stomp your feet and go “whoop”.

Or parking the car. Next time you see someone park his or her car thoughtfully (so others can use the adjacent parking lot), or neatly (nice and close to the curb), stand in front of the car, clap your hands, jump up and down and shout: ”You are a legend”.

If the general public were appreciative of every day actions, it might make people do things with more care and thought. We could start a rethink of public behavior. Let’s show how much we appreciate people who do the right thing.

Next time you see someone do anything you deem as the “right “ thing to do, go up and shake his or her hand and say “Nice one!”

If you have an opinion you’d like to vent, write to me at david@stkildanews.com and if it’s not too politically incorrect (even if it is), it may pass inspection and appear in this column (we can withhold names if preferred).

“Till next time. Woof !

SAGD12333

A video installation created by Henry Maas, Salik Silverstein and editor Eric Raynal is a poignant tribute to the mix of people and buildings that are now facing the effects of gentrification of their suburb and community.

It is also relevant to what is happening in the principality of Port Phillip and especially the area of St.Kilda and Port Melbourne.

Smith St. is now going the way of Acland St. where once a vibrant local community existed, small businesses are now being replaced by multi-national clothing stores and up market cafes and restaurants. The local businesses being forced out by rising rents and the changing nature of the population moving into expensive high-rise apartments and units.

Acland St. has also suffered the effects of it being designated a “Tourist Precinct” and its village feel has been eroded away. Fitzroy St. and Bay St. are suffering from the same gentrification push.

Raised in St.Kilda, both Henry and Salik have vivid memories of the junction where Henry’s parents operated Maas Cabaret and

Mama Maas café and Salik’s parents had JJohn’s Milk bar. A vibrant village existed there, made up of new immigrants as well as locals. All this was destroyed when the area was bulldozed to make way for better traffic flow. As we know today, the traffic problems still persist. And now a new high-rise development has been approved for the area. The current State Government overrode the objections from both the Council and the residents. Corporate power has prevailed above the wishes of the people.

Henry and Salik realize that change is unstoppable but would like to see the protection of the mix of people and diversity that creates a rich culture, not forced out as the developers and corporations move in. A mix of well-to-do, low income, public housing tenants, immigrants and indigenous people add to the cultural richness of these suburbs and the shopping strips where they mingle, thus adding a vibrancy and connectedness to all strata’s of humanity.

Henry believes “…we are living in an age where we are drowning in information and starving for wisdom.”* The questions the developers and corporations never consider are, where do those disadvantaged and powerless people go when pushed out? What kind of society

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SKN kind offer to provide the distraught and traumatised Alana some of my words of wisdom.

My dear Alana, I have considerable experience of the situation you are currently facing. Assuming your macho Rupert doesn’t get, to use that rather unseemly term, “turned on by” those hunky, sexy young men one sees bedecking the floats at Sydney Just to remind you: Alana’s dilemma: Gay Pride, or that he doesn’t feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body, then he is neither gay nor Crossing Over suffering from Gender Identity Disorder. He is what we now call a cross-dresser, or to use my preferred Dear Dr Hilary term, a big tranny. I should know, as I’ve been I’m at my wits end! I’m a working wife and mother of 4 lovely boys, and until recently I thought donning women’s lingerie, dresses, skirts, shoes and blouses for over 30 years and now have a wardrobe I was a very lucky woman and was very content to match that of any Hollywood starlet. with my life.

When my wife came home “that day” 30 years ago, Last week I decided to leave work early and I wasn’t in a state of sexual arousal. I was, however, go home to prepare a surprise candlelit dinner for tingling with ecstasy as I gracefully glided down our my husband of 18 years, as it was our anniversary. large, curved staircase wearing her wedding dress.

When I arrived home, I was a little surprised Like you, Alana, she passed out, but as she did so, to hear the voice of Shirley Bassey, belting out she clutched her chest in pain, vomited, turned a “Hey Big Spender”, emerging from our bedroom, worrying shade of blue and stopped breathing. upstairs.

I climbed the stairs with a little trepidation and, After a month in intensive care and a triple bypass surgery (I never could fathom why she had a heart when I opened the bedroom door, my heart sank attack, as she was a non smoking, slim, vegan, at the scene which greeted me: my hunky, macho, husband Rupert, dancing and miming the tune into lifelong fitness fanatic) we sat down and talked things through. Within a week she had embraced my hairbrush, while wearing my red, shiny high heels, a purple feather boa and the black lacy pants the whole idea, and over the last 30 years we have enjoyed girlie nights in, raucous ladies’ nights out I had been planning to wear that night. I was close and wonderful shopping trips to all the top ladies’ to vomiting as I witnessed this disgraceful scene. boutiques in Melbourne.

And when I noticed that he appeared to be in state Think yourself lucky, Alana, that macho Rupert of arousal, I passed out and haven’t spoken to him can fit into your shoes and lingerie. You can now since. enjoy mixing and matching clothes and accessories.

Obviously our boys have noticed that mum is Our sex life has remained stimulating, although our completely ignoring their dad and they have asked bedroom acrobatics are somewhat limited by my why I’m sleeping on the couch. I just don’t know wife’s cardiac instability. Don’t worry about your what to do next. I can’t complain about our sex boys, Alana. Cross-dressing is not genetic. My 4 life, Dr Hilary. It has always been satisfying and lovely daughters have never taken to wearing suits healthily invigorating. So what has gone wrong? or growing a goatee.

I’m also concerned this could be genetic - I have 4 View this as a new start in life, Alana. Embrace it. boys after all! Am I married to a pervert? Should I And remember: if you ever run out of lippy, you divorce him? Is there any future for us? can always rely on Rupert to come to your rescue.

Alana from Poets’ Corner, St Kilda I’m 75 now, and still turn heads when I walk through the streets of St Kilda wearing hot pants, a Reader Replies and ‘Help’ boob tube and knee-length leather boots with killer heels.

This month we have a nice range of Hope I’ve been of help Alana and good luck. replies from ‘concerned’ readers. First Evalina (aka Eric) Balls up we have Eric, who has enjoyed several Second up we have Waynetta, who is an CD experiences since the 1970s. What a experienced cross dresser and is keen on pleasure it is to have such wisdom in this political ‘affairs’. humble column.

I am not sure what you are concerned about – cross-dressing is not that abnormal. Have you seen Dear Dr Hilary some of the recent photos of our leaders at APEC meetings, for example?

As an avid reader of your stimulating and Also, with a second GFC on the horizon, imagine informative etiquette page, I am taking up your how much more economical it will be to be able to share clothes with your husband. I accept there might be some sibling rivalry if you both want to wear the same outfit on the same day. But as two mature, intelligent and consenting adults, I’m sure you can negotiate a mutually acceptable roster. Finally, given your age, menopause is just around the corner, and our preferences often turn to female friends, rather than that yucky physical stuff with men. Just think of the advantages of having your own ‘live-in’ female friend.

Waynetta, No Fixed Abode HELP DR. HILARY – This series continues in December with some heart-felt advice from some of our readership to Alana, from Poets’ Corner, who got a large surprise in October.

Next on the reply list is the first ‘Rupert’ pretending to be Alana’s husband. Do some people not have anything better to do

7

when Luna Park shuts for the night?

J. Gillard, Canberra

Rupert’s Re-Dress

Dr. Hilary’s Summary Advice:

Hey “Alana”,

Husbands dressing up as women – it’s just another day on the St Kilda foreshore. Well, I hope these replies help poor Alana. I, myself, am quite lucky with my partner. Although, I wouldn’t be surprised to find him in my clothes. I’ve seen the way he eyes off my dresses and underwear. Now my husband is another matter! Lets hope this month’s letters bring hope to us all.

This is a total filament of your imagination, you flimsy woman!

As you know, Christmas is just around the corner, and our four boys and I were grabbing every bit of “private time” to rehearse a show that was to be a surprise for the family gathering on Boxing Day. Thank God you didn’t review the entire show.

The line-up WAS as follows: Quentin on queening stool, Nigel on nipple clamp, Blair on Ben Wa balls and the final part of the act when Fergal was to showcase our fisting sling.

You certainly know how to spoil a gig and got it wrong this time, girlie; I don’t think I will ever forgive you.

Bi the way, thanks for not posting our right names, but the “Poet’s Corner” address has me a little edgy.

And for your information, I don’t mind being “relegated” to the couch ‘cos I have just discovered another piece of erotic furniture in our house! This discovery has come at a price, because while you were at work today, I turned our Berkley Horse into a Champagne-riddling table. So there’s no more pleasuring from that little piece for you, ever again!

Rupert Poet’s Corner Dear Alana, Quit your whinging!! What I wouldn’t give for my husband to show a bit of spice in the bedroom.

The only spice I experience is when he eats his Cajun chicken in bed on Friday nights. And ‘hey big spender…’ its more like hey big sus-pender in this house…

Samantha Frigid Elsternwick Dear Alana, Don’t fall for that old trick. My husband used a similar display on me recently. He got all dressed up in my best underwear and tony bianco’s, and put on loads of my jewellery and make up, and I found him watching TV like this!! Naturally I panicked and refused to let him sleep in the bedroom. I gave him the silent treatment. I was scared to come home for days, unsure of what I would find.

And THIS was my downfall. I behaved exactly as he expected and wanted. This parade of femininity just happened to coincide with the football world cup playoffs. I had unwittingly given my husband a free pass to stay rooted to the couch, in front of the TV, within arm’s reach of the fridge! He could stay up all night and watch Uganda play Uruguay without any interruption from me!!

So stay vigilant Alana, if he is not trying to find a way to spend the week on the couch to watch football, he is probably just looking for an excuse to keep you quiet!! Don’t give in. My advice is sit on that couch with him all night and talk about celebrities and nail polish, your most romantic-walking-along-the-beach-into-thesunset-daydreams, your concerns, hopes, dreams, aspirations - you know, the usual sort of shit that we girls think about. Maybe even read him the entire Twilight series… That will sort him out!! No more lady knickers for him. Problem solved –next case!

HELP DR. HILARY – This month we have another dilemma. One of our regular readers, Trudi from Toorak, has experienced some, shall we say, inconvenient moments. Maybe you have been in a similar situation yourself, or have been on the receiving end of such an outrage. Please assist me with your thoughts on the matter.

Send your advice to Trudi by emailing Dr. Hilary at drhilary@stkildanews.com STORMY MEETING Dear Dr Hilary Having been most impressed by some of the sage advice you have been handing out to other readers of this informative publication, I am writing to consult you on a rather unpleasant problem that I am suffering from. I am sorry to be so blunt, but the problem is: I can’t stop farting.

I am sorry to use the “f ” word, which so disgusts me, but this flatulence problem is taking over my life.

The other day I was at a meeting, which I was very ably and efficiently performing, when someone requested that the windows be opened, as the air was putrid. I knew it was I, Dr Hilary, but I opened the windows and carried on pretending that nothing had happened. Oh, the shame!

Three weeks ago, I was guest speaker at the Toorak Women in Business annual jamboree. Just as I was finishing my excellent and stimulating speech, I let rip with a force that could not even be registered on the Beaufort Scale! The acrid and pungent odour resulted in the event being ended very prematurely, and only $22 was raised (last year we raised $152,000). This was not a silent and deadly one that could be brushed over by opening a window. My position as Chairwoman of the Toorak Women in Business Association is now under serious threat.

Dr Hilary,please help me! My life and undergarments are in tatters.

Yours Hopefully Trudi Windass Toorak,

8 SKN

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By Kate Nan

t, WHAT A disorienting, bu ry ve e er w s of second unsure nsation ent, I was a little nm RUSH!! sig as is th and then the se In taking as trying to bilised shortly, w r om that sta e Fr ito y.

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SKN Out and About with Miss Delish missdelish@stkildanews.com

S l d what h h So 2011 comes to a close, and have you done all year, I hear you ask? Last month I was away in Bali at a Yoga Retreat with my best girlfriend and therefore, had no new gossip to report. It was just what I needed before the busyness of Spring Racing Carnival came hurtling towards me, fiercely consisting of ridiculous head pieces, figure hugging dresses and fake tan a plenty. I was well prepared for a busy month after my time away from caffeine, alcohol, carbohydrates, nicotine, and my favourite addiction- beautiful tall men. Yes, Yes, I made it through without all my favourite vices…….except for the second last day where I bribed an Indonesian Pool Boy to sneak me in two packets of cigarettes and some wine. It was an indicator that I was missing home. That last night on my Balinese balcony looking over the serene rice paddies was completely satisfying and far more to my taste! And I felt not a speck of guilt after daily yoga and meditation….. At least I learned how to clear my mind.

I hurried back to Australia and had one of my long lunches…….Thank God……Listen to this: It’s amazing what a glass of wine will do to people to enhance their need to relay their nocturnal activities to all and sundry. We of the gentler sex tend to feel the need then to share once we have received a piece of sensitive informationand behold- the best gossip sessions are born. I can tell you what the Ladies of St Kilda have been up to.

I was sitting with a group of attractive, professional women who all live within our 3182, 3 and 4 postcodes, and the conversation was that of the worst dates they have been on this year.

Gentlemen beware- we can be particularly nasty and if you recognise any of these tales……you

should be bloody ashamed of yourselves!

There was the idiot engineer who tried his best to get his date completely drunk by taking her to the Mink Bar and feeding her every cocktail on the menu. She smiled as she explained she was on to him in the first twenty minutes and decided to play him at his own game “I just drank as many as I could, knowing full well what would happen”. We listened on to hear her say “…..so I was absolutely plastered, and waited til he got me out of the cab in front of my house where I looked at him as he went to kiss me and I vomited all over the front of him.”

Next was the discussion about the men who have taken you out for a drink or dinner and cleverly expect you to pay. Don’t get me started on them……….Gentlemen- Chivalry is back or bugger off !

Then there was the story from one of the few males at the end of the table who discussed the ‘Fatal Attraction One Night Stand’. He told of the beer goggles he wore quite late into the night, leading to terrible sex and scary repercussions. “I woke and she was watching me sleep! She told me she wanted children and thought I looked like good father material!” Suffice to say, her number was blocked and a funny song was written in her memory. It is on You Tube aptly named ‘Stage Five Clinger’. Check it out for a laugh.

The escape dates were hilarious. These are the ones you run away from before it has ended. The boring Chef who had no conversation and told her the food at the venue HE chose was bad- loser!!!!!

She blended into the crowd and escaped out the other entrance into the safety of a cab.

One that still makes me chuckle has to be the story of the closet. On a lovely evening out with a very nice looking man whom she had been with before, she spotted another gorgeous character who happened to work at the bar they were in. Eye contact was made and the champagne was working its required magic: Bravery. “I’m just going to see if anyone has handed in my make up bag that I left in the bathroom” she purred to said date. Now this young lady is quite confident, and I’ve noticed such confidence can be her worst enemy…….perhaps not on this night. In she waltzed, winked at the cute staff member and followed him into the cloak room where she let him give her a kiss, took his phone number and walked right back out to the table and finished her date as though butter wouldn’t melt!!!

Outrageous behaviour but so, so smirk worthy.

The conversation steered on a new path- One Night Stands. As we are such a transient little hub, with travellers and corporate visitors who are here for short periods, there is always the one night evenings with the ‘never to be seen agains’. Not all of these ended in sex- but they were quite amusing: The back packers who have left there mark in expensive STD testing and Coyote Ugly moments (This was more of the boy chatter than the girls).

The sneaky morning wakeups where one looks over at the fully tattooed sleeve of the toned under thirty arm lying next to you….and you have that wicked moment where you think ‘Look what I just did, he he he naughty naughty me!’.

Dating Kinks

9

There was a particularly endearing evening with a SAS officer who was visiting from Perth before his next four month Afghanistan tour. Quick Description: Tall, unbelievably handsome, fit, well spoken, and an incredible dancer. He flew in and flew out……..never to be heard of again. To this day he is a mystery. Ahhhh how fantastic.

But my all time personal favourite has to be the guy who had sex as if he was a choo choo train.

After an extremely expensive evening of premium food, champagne and private cars- a girl has to decide if she is going to throw caution to the wind and reward the poor bastard- especially if he has really done his best. And so the nightmare began.

It started with a hideous bottle-green condomagh not a great start. On he hopped and slowly began his primal dance. “You feel so good” he said. “Thank you” she whispered. With the next swing of his hips out it came again “you feel so good”. Thinking this might be something he didn’t realise he had already said she let out a perfunctory “mmmmm” and thought it strange but let it go. To her horror, he found his rhythm and like a steam train, his mantra began “You feel so good, you feel so good, you feel so good” again and again and again. Eyes to the ceiling, she remembered the Charlotte moment from Sex and the City where she sleeps with a man who says some horrible things at orgasm. And so she smiled to herself thinking this is the worst sex of my entire life, how do I get out of this? She did what any kind young lady would do and threw her legs up in the air, squeezed her purnani muscles as hard as her pilatied body would allow and waited for the inevitable ghastly noise that he expelled “Yooooouuuuu Feeeeel Sooooooo Goooooood”. He looked at her a few seconds later and she wickedly asked “So Buddy…..Did that feel Good?”

And so it seems that we all have humorous memories to take with us from 2011. I am hoping that you all provide me with some even more hilarious tales to tell. Do you ever wonder who is listening as you regale your crowd with outrageous moments? Careful St Kilda-ites…..to me sharing is caring.

See You in The Village.

My upstairs neighbour yelled at me yesterday saying my orgasms are too loud and he can hear them through the floor. He also went on to say that expressing e myself “that way” is rude, immoral, inconsiderate i and wrong. I held it together when t talking to him, but burst into tears when I got in the house. h What should I do? ~Screamer girl.

mizphoenix@stkildanews.com mizphoenix@stkildanews mi com

Dearest SG,

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Taking from your name-sake, I am guessing you make quite a bit of noise. I must say that this letter appals me for the simple fact that an orgasm is a perfectly natural and wonderful thing.

You have a right to your orgasms and don’t ever let anyone else tell you otherwise. I cannot believe your neighbour, let alone your male neighbour would have an issue with you orgasming, and further have the audacity to address it with you in such an aggressive manner.

What to do? Well, clearly your upstairs neighbour is a tool.

Let’s just get that aired. He appears also to be highly intolerant and conservative considering he labelled you as immoral and wrong when you’re simply experiencing a healthy expression of sexuality. It is amazing such people still exist when we have come so far through the civil rights and GBLT movements.

With regards to his comments of being inconsiderate, I feel it is important to address this with you. Research shows not only does vocalisation increase enjoyment of sex for your partner, but it also allows you to relax more by helping you to breathe more rhythmically. Furthermore, the pleasure derived from orgasms enhances performance in bed and your connectedness to your partner. If being considerate is to look after the needs of others and be thoughtful, then when it comes to sex and stimulation, I personally feel you and your partner take precedence.

An orgasm is the pinnacle of sexual experience. Whether you are taking care of yourself or with a partner, the climax and subsequent release is a magical celebration of the sexual act itself.

Let us not forget orgasms have health benefits too!

I certainly wonder, where do you live, darling SG? There really is nothing more appealing than listening to a woman orgasm; it certainly gets me off. I would be happy to live above you and would feel blessed to hear you in your most tender and beautiful moments of ecstasy.

10 SKN

T

The Dark Month

by John Malham JM@stkildanews.com

Well, it’s that dreaded time of the year aagain for us sporting couch potatoes. We have tto dig deep into the recesses of our minds to ccome up with reasons not to help the missus

around the house, or spend time controlling the kids.

The days running up to Christmas are bare and barren; it is desert-like in the television sports arena. If you don’t know a Doctor willing to give you a dodgy medical certificate to placate the love of your life, this next month could turn into a physical and mental nightmare.

If you are one of us who are struggling with ideas to save yourself from this depressingly dangerous and perilous period in your life, here are ten tried and true tips that should help:

•

Rent the oldest dog in the area that is trained to spend hours tied to a post and adjourn to the local watering hole. Make sure you share with your partner the vast neighbourliness you have shown.

• Stock the grog fridge, put a lock on the inside of the shed door, and tell the lady of the house that you are finally cleaning up your mess and that you need to be left alone to concentrate.

• Organise a group of mates with the same philosophy, say you’re helping each other out, and go fishing. Make sure any fish is either thrown back or sold before

returning home.

• Bribe the kids before dropping them off at the skate ramp and head to the local tab.

• Continuously compliment your cook and prepare a barbeque once a week to show your appreciation.

• Explain that due to the world economic crisis, your work Christmas party is for employees only.

• Put in a wood fire and tell the missus you are spending the weekend in the bush to stock up for winter. Make sure the wood you order is delivered in an unbranded ute at the same time you arrive home.

• •

Make out you have joined a cheer squad and need to attend pre-season training.

Last minute project at work has to be finished and requires weekend overtime.

Note: This excuse will not work for public servants.

Make sure that having put all these procedures in place, that the small amount of

•

time you do spend at home is quality time.

I hope these hints make it easier to endure the long, tough, dark month ahead, which WILL in the ultimately end on Boxing Day when normality will return to our lives. Thank God!!!!ww

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A Friendly Chat About Mental Illness.

By Rohan R. RR@stkildanews.com As a person who A h has has, admittedly admittedly, had a tough time getting into the workforce, I was quietly optimistic when offered the chance to participate in a Work for the Dole program with St Kilda News.

It was while I was getting to know one of the other participants in the program, Kellie, that I ended up having a rather illuminating discussion. We were chatting about the possible benefits of the program and how, for the long term unemployed, and for those stuck in a rut, it can be encouraging to simply have a place to go to, and be at, a couple of days a week.

It was when we were discussing people who were ‘stuck in a rut’ that we began talking about mental illness, and, more specifically, to depression.

As we got to know one another, we were able to talk about how depression had affected us. Kellie quietly mentioned how she had gone through a stage of depression in her life a few years before. I told her that I was dealing with depression and anxiety myself.

It was in that comfortable moment of mutual understanding, that we realised that we had been discussing the topic of depression furtively - at times even with our hands over our mouths, whispering to one another. We noted how this contrasted with how one is able to talk about the effects of physical injuries. Kellie said that she was able to talk about how she had suffered a physical injury, one that had prevented her from doing a job she had been doing for 25 years, quite openly.

It put into focus the stigma, often subconscious, surrounding mental illness.

To confess to a physical injury is commonly acceptable, but, for some people at least, hearing that a person is afflicted with a mental illness can cause them to pause. For some it even brings words like, ‘crazy’ and ‘insanity’ to mind.

I was surprised when Kellie told me that her depression began to manifest itself and take hold, not a time of failure, but when she appeared to “have it all”. She was running a successful business, and she had a home and a child. Her revelation made me realise that mental illness is not just for the down-trodden or the unlucky.

Sometimes it’s the most successful people who can feel most alone and depressed even when surrounded by loved ones and by material prosperity.

Kellie lent an ear and offered advice.

She told me how she had put in a lot of hard work to heal from those dark days how she’d drastically changed her routines, adjusted her diet and began exercising. She also encouraged me to feel that if she could do it, I could too.

Talking to Kellie also reinforced a fact that I had heard said may times before: that silence is one of the biggest barriers to dealing with the problems of mental health.

Being able to have a meaningful, personal talk with Kellie, someone I had only recently met, was an eye-opening and encouraging experience. I hope that sharing this story might encourage others suffering from mental illness to speak up, share their stories and not be bound by stigma or shame. I hope that it encourages them to feel that they’re certainly not alone.

SKN 11 LOST AND FOUND

Last year on St.Kilda beach I fo found a Russian nesting doll, also kknown as a Matryoshka or babushka d doll. The “nested doll principle” links by association, objects within similar objects whether man made or naturally occurring, a bit like fractals. In artistic terms “mise en abyme” is a French term that translates as “placing into the abyss” and is a technique that uses an image comprising a smaller image of itself that in theory could go on for infinity. The Russian doll did look slightly out of place in the sand on the beach so I took it home before the waves could wash it out to sea; a little found object that was a bit weather worn. Walking around St.Kilda I have found numerous coins from far away places, but no, not a great treasure trove.

What would you do if you found a large amount of money? It is a topic of conversation that you hear occasionally. In 2010 a poll was taken to find out what people would do if they found $100,000. The choices were, declare it to the police or not tell anyone and keep it. According to the newspaper poll, the result was that about 60% of respondents would not have handed the money in.

The basis of this scenario was the case of a Melbourne couple who purchased a $15 suitcase from a Salvation Army store and discovered $100,000 hidden in the lining. A separate account was a package enclosing $6,000 found in 1995 on the light rail tram between the city and St.Kilda.

After being handed into the police and not claimed within three months the person who found the money was allowed to keep it. A year later, in 1996, there was another large find at the Balaclava Railway Station. Two men found $200,000 buried in a plastic drum. A week later a second drum was found containing an amount of money similar to the first. Again it was handed in to the police and extensive media coverage followed. No one came forward to claim the money and the men were able to keep it.

According to the law it is not just a matter of “finder’s keepers”. The person who finds money has some responsibility to make a reasonable effort to return it and then has the option after three months to claim it. Failure to do so, as happened with the suitcase couple, could incur a charge of “theft by finding”.

More recently, in August this year, a mysterious case surfaced when $100,000 was found by cleaners in a toilet at the Channel Nine Building.

A few days later and with more blocked sewerage pipes, thousands of dollars more in cash was revealed. The police are considering it to be “dirty money”. Humour aside, it is understandable that the proceeds of crime would account for larger sums of money remaining unclaimed. It is difficult to imagine other reasons why such large amounts of cash would be hidden or discarded.

In the end it’s up to the individual whether they would try to secretly keep a large find, like it was a lucky lottery win or hand it in. Then there’s the question of how much good or bad karma you stand to gain.

m sweeny msweeny@stkildanews.com

S The Salvos

Christmas is a very special time of yyear, when a bearded jolly old fat man

By Daniel Wilson dw@stkildanews.com in a red coat shows the world the spirit oof giving and the joy that comes from selflessness.

For many however, Christmas is a stressful time, a time when they are consumed by worry and heartache. As Major Peter Sutcliffe of the Salvation Army pointed out, “For many it’s a time when all life’s pressures come to the fore and this makes Christmas a real struggle.”

Year after year the Salvation Army helps the most underprivileged in our society through this period. Last year it assisted more than 350,000 people across Australia, in both metropolitan and rural areas. They will do it again this year.

This Christmas The Salvation Army expects to provide more than $10 million worth of goods to those in need, including over 100,000 food vouchers and hampers and distribution of nearly half a million toys!

Additionally The Salvation Army hopes to provide Christmas lunch to over 8,000 people around the country.

For a very long time now, The Salvation Army has been practically synonymous with helping the needy. The support they provide throughout the year saves lives and brings hope to hearts of so many. The help they offer is invaluable, from suicide support and telephone counselling to aged care and children services, just to name few.

Perhaps therein lies the true meaning of Christmas, a spirit of caring that lasts all the year.

The Salvation Army has recently launched a website - http:// truemeaningofchristmas.org.au – where visitors are invited to write what they think is the true meaning of Christmas, as well as upload photos or videos.

The website also provides helpful information for the vulnerable on how to cope during this time, as well as where to access support. Those wanting to help will find information on how to donate and volunteer.

Donating over the phone is still a very popular way to help, and can be done by calling 13 SALVOS (13 72 58).

No doubt many of us are looking forward to the festive cheer that the Salvation Army bands provide at shopping strips and town centres across the country. Major events are also planned in metropolitan areas.

For example, the Salvation Army is hosting a free Christmas event on Saturday the 10th of December at the Melbourne Convention and Exhibition Centre. Commencing at 7.00 p.m. Silvie Paladino will compere and perform along with Kane Alexander and Wacky Entertainment. The Salvation Army’s Melbourne Staff Band and Songsters will be among the 250 performers on the night.

Bad Pay! Accept it now or fight?

Recently you might have noticed the police sitting in front of speed cameras with the lights on as they vvoiced their disgruntled attitudes to the government ooffering a 2.5% pay rise for public sector workers.

N Nurses have also gone on strike because of this ssame 2.5% pay rise. In fact, the Baillieu government has offered this 2.5% pay rise to ALL government departments and is unmovable on the point. Of course this includes Parks Victoria, MFB, CFA and the Department of Sustainability and Environment (DSE) just to name a few. The rate of inflation is 3%, so is it any wonder people are upset! Most government employees are already lower paid compared than their private counterparts but rarely make a fuss due to job security and other perks.

Although some people may think that working for the government is a pretty easy job, with all the productivity measures being brought in over the last decade this is decently not the case. The perception still remains.

Government departments in most cases are understaffed and under pressure to do more with less like never before.

In Baillieu’s present reign, if a department wants a pay rise over this 2.5% deal they have to show “bankable savings” such as less staff or spending less. This includes every government department bar Parks Victoria. The Baillieu government is around 18 million dollars in debt (don’t quote me on the amount) and has been under extreme pressure for the last two years to cut its budgets in staff and spending. Due to this poor management style, there are no savings to cover pay increases. Yet with the private sector stupidity, we believe they still received a sizable bonus…

If all other departments strike as the police and nurses have done, would anyone notice? Actions have already begun at DSE and the Department of Human Services yet the news seems to be rather quiet on this matter. If Parks Victoria employees do strike for a better pay, who would really care in the short term? If your park is not weeded and dogs allowed to run wild, who would suffer so immediately that they would ring their state MP to demand it be brought to a halt?

Should the Department of Human Services go on strike, who would suffer except the people they have to care and protect? That is the dilemma facing DHS at present with the government trying to stop their action by proving that they are endangering people’s lives. Unlike nurses, most government employees are not relied upon every day. There are no laws to say that staffing minimums are needed to service the public.

When strikes happen, very few people notice and many do not care unless it affects them directly. Strikes throughout the state may disrupt a small group of people for a long time before the government gets the message that people will not be pushed behind the poverty line.

Teachers are the next major group to start their negotiations. But as I guess most MP’s have their children in private schools, I would think that this too will get messy.

So the question is: are the teachers, firefighters, and the paper pushers that keep the state running going to accept the 2.5%, or like the police and nurses, fight for change? I believe we are going to see a lot of disruption in our future.

Dogs Bar wine bar & arts hub Visual Art Shows…Storytelling…Sunday Night Jazz Sessions…Film Screenings…Poetry Slams

Mondays First Monday - ‘The Wrong people’ Comedy improv Second Monday - Foodie film night docos Last Monday - St Kilda SHORTS films screenings Tuesdays Salsa classes at St Kilda Memo Salsa social at Dog’s Bar after 11pm Wednesdays Live music at SLOW Down eco-cafe Thursdays First Thursday - High Society big band at St Kilda Memo Sundays Most Sundays at 2pm - Dog’s Bar visual art show launches Third Sunday - ‘Crash Test Dummies’ 10-minute plays @ Dog’s Every Sunday 9pm Sunday 20th - Grand WaZoo big souls band - St Kilda Memo

DECEMBER FRI

whats on

8534 3020 www.dogsbar.com.au Book Your Next Celebration www.stkildafunction.com.au

2/ Vallyarm live bands 9/ Cedar 16/ DJ Justin Oliver 23/ Cedar 30/ DJ Drew SAT

3/ Voxangelica 10/ Sam Owen Blues Band 17/ Kingswood, Pretty Little 24/ TBC

Eco Art Workshops for Kids@ EcoCentre

SUN

4/ Dj Wasabi 11/ DJ Mellydee 18/ Rich n Ed show WIN tickets to SummerGingeʼ12 Australiaʼs original and best red hair charity night out held here in St Kilda on February 25th. To enter email your best red head story to iLoveRangas@stkildanews.com

Tuesday mornings during December and January. Bookings call Kylie on 0414 564 883

JANUARY Live Bands Fridays & Saturdays DJ’s Sundays FREE ENTRY

DECEMEBER SUN

MON

TUE

WED

1

Dec 1 - 29 Recent Acqusitions Port Phillip City Collection @ Town Hall.

4

Matthew Fagan 10 String Guitar CD Launch @ Uniting Church

11

French Market@ Eildon Mansion Open Air Cinema Charity Night

18

Rich n Ed Show @ Vineyard

5

Russian Story TIme for Children@ SK Library

12

Foodie Film Night @ Dogs Bar

19

6-8pm Civic Awards @ Town Hall

6

7pm Fistful of Scripts @ Theatreworks

13

Luna Park turns

99 20

Eco Art for Kids @ EcoCentre

7

Opening of Bula’bula @ Brightspace Gallery

14

Live Music @ SLOW Down Eco Cafe

21

Veg Out Twlight Farmers Market

Crash Test Dummies@ Dogs Bar

25

DJs @ Vineyard

THU

8

6pm Business Networking Event @ Beachcomber

15

Twilight Market

FRI 2 Peabody, Digger & the Pussycats @ Espy

9

Pelacio Brothers & Beach Santa about town today until Sunday 11th

16

DJ Justin Oliver @ Vineyard

SAT

JANUARY

3

SUN

Veg Out Famers Market

10

Community Fair O’Donnell Gardens

17

SLAM Volleyball Festival

1 DJs @ Vineyard

8

DJs @ Vineyard

MON 2 The Wrong People Comedy Improv @ Dogs Bar

9

Foodie Film Night @ Dogs Bar

St Kilda SHORTS film screenings @ Dogs Bar

27

SalsaClasses@St Kilda MEMO

28

Live Music @ SLOW Down Eco Cafe

22

Santa and Crumpette at Acland Court

23

Santa and Crumpette at Acland Court

29

Twilight Market

30

DJ Drew @ Vineyard

MUCIS FOOD&WINE FILM ART&CULTURE SPORT COMEDY ADULTS&CHILDREN

get your message out

3 SalsaClasses@St Kilda MEMO

10

Eco Art for Kids @ EcoCentre SalsaClasses@St Kilda MEMO

24

Live Music @ Vineyard

15

Crash Test Dummies@ Dogs Bar

16

promote your event, product, or service with SKN sales@stkildanews.com / 1300 48 55 11

31

YABI Charity NYE Party. 12- 14 Grey Street

22

Xosize Tri Series Elwood Beach

17

Eco Art for Kids @ EcoCentre

23

24

Eco Art for Kids @ EcoCentre SalsaClasses@St Kilda MEMO

29

DJs @ Vineyard

WED 4 Live Music @ SLOW Down Eco Cafe

11

Men at Work begins@Theatreworks

18

Live Music @ SLOW Down Eco Cafe

THU 5 Twilight Market High Society Big Band @ St Kilda MEMO

12

Twilight Market

FRI 6 Live Music @ Vineyard

30

St Kilda SHORTS film screenings @ Dogs Bar

31

FINAL CUT Free Film Screening @ The Local 7pm

25

Matthew Dear Ghostly (USA) @ PrinceBandroom

SAT 7 Veg Out Farmers Market Live Music @ Vineyard

13

Live Music @ Vineyard

14

Live Music @ Vineyard Crispen and JoJo 2 years

19

Twilight Market

20

Live Music @ Vineyard

SalsaClasses@St Kilda MEMO

DJs @ Vineyard

26

TUE

26

AUSTRALIA DAY Aaron&Kate six months

Get Tickets to SummerGinge’12 ranga.net.au

27

Beach Handball Championships

21

Summer KICK Festival.

Little Village Market @ Elwood Scout Hall

28

Live Music @ Vineyard

Let’s hope Elaine said yes cause the proposal Ad Is still out there!

14 SKN Is it really Gluten Free?

Words by Steve Anderssen mr_anderson@stkildanews.com St Kilda eateries are very busy in December, and accidents happen during busy times.

As a local chef, it concerns me that not all members of the food industry are able to identify gluten-free ingredients.

I recently ate at a renowned beachside café with a friend, Julie, who has suffered from coeliac disease for many years and can experience symptoms similar to food poisoning.

Despite her vigilance, she claims to have been poisoned by gluten on more than one occasion and now fears eating out.

With trepidation, she ordered a rare treat: battered fish and chips.

We asked the waitress to check with the chef that the batter was glutenfree, and she confirmed that, “It was gluten free and that it was not a problem”. Understanding the pressure of a busy service, I added, “Please make sure that it is gluten free because Julie gets violently ill if she has gluten!” Again, we were reassured.

Later that night, Julie was violently ill for most of the night.

She describes the symptoms in this way: “I start getting really sharp pains in my right side, in my small intestine, then the pain increases in intensity for the next few hours, until I vomit”, she said.

The following day, when Julie complained to the owner, he was apologetic. He said: “We have never served gluten-free battered fish, only grilled.” Julie was furious! He went on to say that he was very sorry, and that he needed to have a chat with the staff and re-educate them about gluten.

Julie replied, “I work with children and we have to be 100 % on top of allergies. Kids with nut allergies can go into anaphylactic shock and die!

Why is this situation any different?

What if I was a child? I could have ended up in hospital, or worse!”

Not wishing to report the incident to the local health department, she exclaimed. “I won’t be going back because I can’t trust them anymore”.

Coeliac disease is one of the most under-diagnosed, chronic diseases. If left undiagnosed, it may lead to bowel cancer or osteoporosis.

About 1% of Australians suffer from coeliac disease. It is estimated that, of those, about three quarters don’t even know they have it.

It’s an auto-immune disease; the body produces antibodies that attack its own tissues. The attack is triggered by ingesting gluten - a protein found in wheat, rye, barley and oats.

Many everyday foods contain Gluten.

Not all brands are safe for sufferers of this disease. If you’re unsure, contact the Australian Coeliac Society, http:// www.coeliacsociety.com.au/index. html, or ask your doctor.

Common items like ham, bacon, soy sauce, white pepper, icing sugar mixture, baking powder, chocolates or ice cream may contain hidden gluten in the form of wheat bi-products, or fillers, that might be used in their production.

Even the consumption of alcohol must be scrutinised because some grains, such as barley and rye, are used in the distilling process.

Spelt flour bread may be advertised as ‘gluten free’. This is wrong. It may be low in gluten, but it is still made from wheat. Some Coeliac disease sufferers can tolerate spelt, others can’t.

Although the onus is always on the patron to be aware of personal allergies, it is also the responsibility of chefs and wait staff to understand and be sympathetic about allergies that their customers may suffer from.

Some cafes and restaurants remain oblivious, so beware!

Your body in balance

By Rocco Sorace sorace@stkildanews.com a personal trainer who offers Pilates and Personal Training in St Kilda.

Whether your goal is weight loss or muscle strengthening, Fitness Pilates exercises can help. The beauty of this system, which has become extremely popular over the past decade, is that it’s a holistic practice that works on realigning the body from the inside out. Pilates expert, Rocco Sorace, tells us more.

The breath and the spine The Pilates physical fitness system was developed by Joseph Pilates during 1920s as rehabilitation exercises for war victims. Pilates believed that physical and mental health were interrelated, and that taking the right kind of physical exercise, in the right form, could help keep the body healthy on the inside as well as keeping it fit on the outside. He went about devising a fitness regime that would take care of both. By the middle of the century, The Pilates Method, as it came to be known, was taken up by athletes as diverse as boxers, dancers and martial artists, and these days is a part of many people’s fitness routine.

Pilates is a new concept in fitness, in that it caters for those who want to feel well from within, as well as have a physically attractive body. This is how Pilates can help you.

This method is different from conventional forms of exercise. It creates a natural bridge between the mind and the body. Its main focus is to bring awareness to the breath and the spine’s alignment.

Movements are performed with precise control to strengthen posture and improve self-confidence and wellbeing through fluid movements in which the mind controls the body.

Breathing properly, in addition to the physical movements, will come with practice, aiding in the mind-body connection. Guidance through this inner

holistic routine can be energizing as well as relaxing and can benefit everyone from athletes to the elderly, though it is not a replacement for one-on-one rehabilitation.

The Results of Pilates Strengthen your body while relaxing the mind Pilates is great for gaining physical strength while experiencing relaxation and stress relief at the same time.

Experience exercise without the pain Through controlled movements and training, you will work on deep muscle groups to minimize the pain, stress or jarring of muscles caused by other exercises.

Lose weight and gain core strength Pilates concentrates on strengthening the core during weight loss to ensure a strong, lean body.

Improved posture while building back muscles An important element of Pilates exercises is to help to improve posture by aligning the spine and strengthening the muscles in the back.

Total well-being When performing Pilates, relaxation, stress-relief and increased focus are added benefits of these exercises.

The trick to performing Pilates exercises correctly is breath and alignment. Some of the movements may seem similar to workouts you have tried before. The difference is that each exercise is done in a controlled fashion. For example, the popular Criss-Cross exercise benefits the oblique abdominal muscles. These exercises help to improve posture to some degree, but they are more involved in rotation of the spine. One benefit of working the obliques is that they help define the waist.

Begin this exercise by lying on your back and bending the knees, so that your legs

are parallel to the floor. Place your hands behind your head with elbows wide. Follow these steps to get the maximum benefit from this move: Inhale and lift the shoulders off the floor, sliding your shoulder blades down the back. Scoop the abdominal muscles in and keep the legs in the parallel, or ‘tabletop’ position.

Exhale as you reach your left leg out long, keep the elbows wide and rotate your torso toward the bent right knee, so that your left armpit is reaching toward the knee.

Inhale as you switch legs and bring the trunk of the body through the center.

Exhale and now extend the right leg while rotating your upper body toward the left knee. Keep your chest open and elbows wide the whole time, using your abdominal muscles to control the movements.

As you perform this exercise with control, you begin to become aware of the strength of the abdominal muscles. Avoid rocking back and forth, and concentrate on keeping the pelvis neutral, not tucked.

Most importantly, don’t forget to breathe.

These exercises are beneficial to the physical conditioning of both women and men. They assist you with everyday activities, increase performance in sports, and contribute to the creation of a calm, centered demeanor. It is hard to resist this holistic exercise approach. We have moved beyond a time when physical fitness is purely physical. We have naturally evolved through mind-body fitness, to a more holistic approach to inner and outer beauty and wellness.

Dr Shen

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NOW OPEN ON ACLAND STREET Next to Big Mouth

SKN 15 LOCAL CRICKETER PICKED FOR AUSTRALIAN TEAM

By Joel Dickson jdickson@stkildanews.com

Congratulations to Emerald Hill cricketer Steve Teloniatis, H w who has been selected to rrepresent the Australian Cricket T Team for Players with an Intellectual Disability at the INAS Tri Series, to be held in Kimberley, South Africa, from 14 to 27 November 2011.

The 20-year-old leg-spinner, known to his teammates as ‘Stevie T’, first turned up to training as a 12-year-old local who just wanted to have a hit in the nets. The following season he returned and started bowling huge, turning leg breaks that immediately grabbed the attention of club stalwart and 3rd XI skipper Peter Mitchell. In his customary gruff manner, Mitchell asked Stevie: “where the hell did you learn to do that?” Stevie›s flat bat reply was: “from a book.”

Indeed, Stevie had been learning his craft over the winter months by replicating what he had seen in a Shane Warne coaching manual. Within a month, Stevie was playing in Peter’s team, and by season’s end he was the youngest player in club history to play in a premiership, aged just 13. And he wasn’t just a bit player either. He took three wickets in the semi final, followed by another three in the

Southside Handmade & Vintage Market

grand final. With a great passion for the game, Stevie quickly developed under the tutelage of Mitchell. Within two years, he was representing the club›s first grade in Menzies Shield. At 15, he was the youngest player in club history to do so.

Earlier this year, fellow leg-spinner Adrian Mitchell (who recently died in a tragic drowning accident in Sri Lanka) put together a video package showcasing Stevie’s unique ability in entering a Cricket Australia talent search. While not successful in gaining a place at the Academy, he did garner the attention of Cricket Australia officials, who invited him to join the training squad for South Africa. After impressing in trial matches, Stevie was rewarded with selection for the tour.

Although a veteran of 86 matches over eight seasons, Stevie is still the youngest player at Emerald Hill and is looked upon as a little brother to all. Hence all at the club are extremely proud of all he has achieved and, like Stevie himself, greatly appreciative of all the time and effort Peter and Adrian Mitchell put in to get him there.

New Ride @ Luna Park

Power Surge

Hotel Urban will host the Southside Handmade & Vintage Market on Sundays 11 & 18 December

Market-goers can browse 30+ stalls of fine bespoke creations and vintage fashion and there’s a Christmas Catalogue full of helpful gift suggestions.

How about a Danu Designs fairly-traded Ugandan necklace for your mother-in-law? A silk blouse from The Professor’s Daughter for your bestie and a Vice Versa Project Tee for your brother?

Just make a gold-coin donation at the Darlingheart gift-wrap station and you’re all wrappedup! Proceeds will help provide shelter, food, education and health care to homeless children in India.

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oad Kilda R Apartments t S 0 8 5 Yve oor To Next D www.stkildanews.com

: Stocks

16 SKN

Will you marry meElaine?

Celebrate a memorable moment with SKN ads@stkildanews.com

sponsored by

SKN 17

Gribiche Dressing

Sapore is open throughout December and January, with the exception of Boxing Day. Sapore, will then resume normal summer trading hours – open seven days a week for lunch and dinner and all day Sunday.

Ingredients 1/3 cup baby capers, whole 1/3 cup cornichons, cut same size as capers 3 medium shallots, brunoise 3 eggs, hard boiled, white & yolk chopped 2 tbsp dijon mustard 2 lemons, juiced Olive oil, about 125ml Chopped parsley

Festive Season Trading Hours

S&P

1.

2.

Make a vinaigrette with the dijon, lemon juice and olive oil Mix all ingredients together with the dressing and check seasoning

25th December 11

Christmas Day

Open

26th December 11 27th December 11

Boxing Day

Closed

31 December 11 1st January 2012

st

Note: the dressing should be tart, to offset the richness of the beef.

Saint Kilda Sessions the crew @ the peir

by Haydo

Some Saint Kilda Guys Pty Ltd

11.30am-

Lunch Only

Re-open

12noon-

Lunch/Dinner

New Years Eve

Open

12noon-

Lunch/Dinner

New Years Day

Open

6pm-

Dinner

18 SKN What a wonderful world Mr. Corb corbs@stkildanews.com

o

s Kilda t

centric

201 2

the face of Luna Park, on St.Kilda Esplanade

eee PZcSVS``W\U Q][ Oc made in St.Kildab l u e h e r r i n g . c o m . a u

Where in St.Kilda do you find artwork about amazing St.Kilda? Local St.Kilda photographer and graphic designer, Rita Kaulins offers an range of St.Kildacentric calendars, cards and much more.

Rita is a local artist lives in St.Kilda on the beach and sells her artwork at The St.Kilda Esplanade Market at stall 11 and 12. Sundays 10 to 5.

Vibrant, unique and quirky images capture the magical mystical twilight atmosphere of St.Kilda, St.Kilda beach and Luna Park. The aim is to bring happiness and brightness to life with the range of ‘St.Kildacentric’ images that are playful and appealing…

The St.Kilda based designer has now produced her third St.Kildacentric calendar.

St.Kildacentric 2012. This year she offers even more exciting photography based on StKildacentricity in St.Kilda. This year’s calendar, an ideal Christmas gift includes St.Kildas many famous attractions including Luna Park, St Kilda Pier, Acland Street cake shops, Melbourne’s famous St.Kilda beach, as

well as renowned theatres, bars and sunsets.

The St.Kildacentric calendar features: - Australian holidays plus St.Kilda special events - All work is designed and produced in Melbourne - Clear date layout, space to record important events - Printed on beautiful high quality paper This year Rita also has a second calendar the Melbournecentric which is all about Melbourne itself.

The St.Kildacentric product range includes: - Limited edition high quality prints on canvas - Framed and mat mounted photographs - Postcards and handmade cards - Calendars and more Rita’s 2012 St.Kildacentric Calendar is available from: St.Kilda Esplanade Market, Stall 12 Readings Bookstores info@blueherring.com.au www.blueherring.com.au

I was fortunate enough to travel to Singapore this month to enjoy a short holiday and to catch up with some close friends I hadn’t seen for some time.

We had a wonderful time with our friends. We fell into old ways so quickly, it was as though we’d never been apart.

But the visit also made me aware of something very important: that I was losing track of the simplicity and the beauty of life and the world we live in.

This realization came to me one evening when we were sitting down to watch a light show. In the middle of it, surrounded by both locals and tourists, I started to feel something I don’t think I’ve felt for some time: that I was part of a community actually involved.

As the show progressed, amazing the crowd with water sprays that doubled up as a screen for the projection of a ‘light-imaging’ show, combined with music that invoked a sense of excitement and wonder, (though I thought it was ironic that the show had water conservation as one of it’s central themes), they began to play one of my all time favourite songs: Louis Armstrong’s “What a Wonderful World”.

I hadn’t heard it for years. My heart sank as I listened to the words. I had a strong realization that everything I was doing in my life was wrong. I came to the conclusion that I (no, that WE, here on earth) had been ignoring a very important aspect of my life: that of being part of a community.

I had also forgotten to live for the here and now, for the present. I had forgotten to acknowledge the simple things: the fact that the sun comes up on a brand new day, that being alive is beautiful, that

The St Kilda Rock Chronicle (SKRC) is a local street press and gig listing that promotes the alternative live music scene in St Kilda and surrounds. This column is a tiny snippet of our latest musings and misadventures.

The warmer weather has finally arrived, bringing with it the scantily clad crowds with their pasty feet and havianas and that auspicious sound of music festivals beckoning in the distance.

SKRC even managed to venture out of town this month for some great festival gigs and general beachside shenanigans, but there was plenty going on at home too. Which reminds us to remind you, dear readers: avoid the expensive ticket prices, the $8 cans of warm Carlton Draught and the long queues for a $10 slice of cold pizza, by getting down to a local gig, where you can hear great live music (mostly free) with a cold beer in hand, and where you can go for a tinkle without having to pump your own waste in a plastic shithouse!

November notables included: Goddess 4, who transformed an average Sunday afternoon into a showcase of fashion and music, across two stages, at their new home in the GH Hotel. There were standout performances from The Mercy Kills and Pony Girl & the Outsiders. LeBelle brought their haunting vocals to The Espy for ‘Collage’, an event run by long-term songwriting enthusiast Scott Woodhouse, and which brings between 6-12 unsigned emerging performers to the Espy Front Bar EVERY Tuesday and Wednesday night!

SKRC favourites, those crazy kids from Kooky Karaoke, celebrated their 16th birthday in signature

there is so much wonder surrounding us daily. I say, enjoy the simple things in life - every day, every hour, every minute. Enjoy them. Appreciate them.

Try this exercise: consciously take a moment every day to appreciate one thing in your life. It could be anything, but try to look beyond your immediate surroundings and look at the world outside. Maybe stop and look at the stars, or walk barefoot on the grass. Break the habit of going to and fro. Introduce some childhood adventure and excitement back into your life.

The words that moved me: Louis Armstrong What a wonderful world - 1968 I see trees of green/ red roses too I see them bloom/ for me and you And I think to myself /what a wonderful world.

I see skies of blue/ and clouds of white The bright blessed day/ the dark sacred night And I think to myself/ what a wonderful world.

The colors of the rainbow/ so pretty, in the sky Are also on the faces/ of people going by I see friends shaking hands/ saying how do you do They’re really saying/ I love you.

I hear babies cry/ I watch them grow They’ll learn much more/ than I’ll never know And I think to myself/ what a wonderful world Yes I think to myself/ what a wonderful world.

Google it. Turn it up loud and listen. It might just move you too J At the end of the day, it’s the result of your actions, your impact on the world, that define the person you are. Your actions cause a shift in the air. Remember: respect yourself, other drivers on the road and other commuters - no matter how big or small. At the end of the day, we all want to get to our destination.

Smile. Enjoy the ride. Who knows whom you’ll meet?

style at the Prince Saloon Bar - complete with Fred in giraffe suit and some of the best karaoke singers this side of Christmas. And we can’t neglect to mention the Bitter Sweet Kicks, who just about blew the roof off the Prince Public Bar with an energetic and youthful assault of charismatic hard rock mayhem.

We must also mention one of the friendly faces from the Sacred Heart Op Shop, Luke Winterton, purveyor of “junkyard folk, old world gypsy, ragged celtic and dirty blues”, and his band, who have begun an ambitious and intriguing project called ‘Open House’. The aim is to compose five songs in five weeks, based on the suggestions of fans on Facebook. So check out The Bastard Children’s Facebook page and get involved.

Yep, it’s been a pretty special month, and the best part is that there is plenty more on the horizon. You are even lucky enough to have two local independent record stores with which to stuff the stockings of your friends and family with audible delights this Christmas. We’d go on, but we’re out of space, so you’ll have to look out for the wicked SKRC artwork and crazy ramblings scattered around the doorway of your local venue. Now we don’t want to make a fuss, dear readers, but stop procrastinating and get out there, dammit. There’s music playing!

Find SKRC online at www.stkildarockchronicle.com.au or in print at various venues, shops and cafes around St Kilda.

Email us at stkildarockchronicle@live.com.

SKN 19

SKN food review

Cicciolina Christmas is soon to be upon us and with Christmas comes sentimental TV shows, countless family gatherings and general warm fuzzy feelings. It is with this in mind that I have chosen Cicciolina in Acland Street for the bumper SKN Christmas issue.

Why is that you say? Those above adjectives that come to mind around the festive season could also easily be attributed to “Cicc”. Located in Acland Street since 1993 it certainly has the family feel about it and the cosy interior dominated with dark woods and leather chairs lend an air of warmth and comfort that many of the currently popular polished concrete and metal do not.

Unfortunately like many family gatherings, there are often not enough chairs to go around - due to the sustained popularity and relative size of Cicciolina, it is very difficult to secure a table if you arrive after seven on most Friday and Saturday nights. They have been pioneering the no bookings policy for many years now and you can see the benefits – a full restaurant most nights of the week, no tables waiting for bookings that never arrive and, when they are booked solid, there are around 50 other restaurants within walking distance. In times of disappointment another option is to retreat to the Cicciolina back bar which serves excellent dirty martinis and the best meatballs south of Naples (make sure you order extra bread to soak up the meatbally goodness!)

When you do get a table though it is definitely worth the effort – the wait team are efficient and attentive and the wine list exhaustive with many affordable or big night out options to choose from.

For our part we shared an excellent Italian Pinot Grigio.

After drinks are ordered you are presented with a basket of sliced white loaf. This bought back again those fond family memories of many Italian dinners at restaurants around Melbourne including the much loved Tiamo in Carlton. I am always interested in new gourmet bread options but for a restaurant like Cicciolina this more rustic option suits perfectly and sets the stage for solid Italian cooking.

First up we share the famous Cicciolina crab soufflé. I have been recommended this dish by so many people that it had cult status in my mind. Unlike many dishes with high expectations this certainly delivered – so much so that one between two was definitely not enough. Word of advice two diners equals two crab soufflés.

Period. The soufflé itself is quite dense compared to most soufflés you may have experienced however this seems to suit the dish well with tender crab meat intermingled with the delicate flavour of the soufflé mix combined with a knockout sauce – if it were possible I would order these takeaway upon disembarking the 96 tram and eating them like an apple on the way home... Next up we ordered two pasta dishes. I was a little surprised at the

limited amount of pasta dishes on offer at Cicciolina and although both were excellent, I expected more choice and would have preferred this over the larger amount of meat based dish options on both the menu and specials. The better of the two dishes was a mushroom and chestnut risotto. While it should not be difficult it is surprising how many restaurants stuff up risotto. The rice in this dish was cooked to perfection and flavoured exquisitely with a selection of mushrooms, the added texture of the chestnut and the fullness added with fresh parmesan. The other dish was linguine with salmon and capers. In most situations this would have been a great dish, but compared with the soufflé and risotto it didn’t quite reach the same heights.

For dessert I have been told by many that Cicciolina serve up an excellent chocolate tart however in this instance their location is both a blessing and curse to them as I am a sucker for Seven Apples gelato further down Acland street. Of course, many (including me) could argue that the best way to top off a great meal in the festive season is with a good cocktail or cognac which of course the Back Bar can service very easily.

It makes me happy as I hope it does you too, to finish off the year with an old favourite. Be sure to spend the festive season exploring the many bars and restaurants that St Kilda has to offer.

MF@stkildanews.com mf-food-journeys.blogspot.com

Letters to Maxwell Vayber A selection of some of the best letters to our resident sociologist. These can be submitted via osmosis…

Now that the ‘St Kilda’ Football Club is based in Seaford isn’t it time to remove any reference to St Kilda in their title. Let’s face it the football club is associated with sex and drugs, unlike our suburb.

Paranoid, Greeves Street.

-----------------------I feel there is currently too much overdevelopment in St Kilda. Every where you look apartments seem to be going up. This is a threat to our way of life. St Kilda has really changed in the two years that I’ve lived here.

Angry (and family), St Kilda Road.

--------------------------Can someone tell me why we have a Fitzroy Street in St Kilda? It doesn’t even go to Fitzroy. And even if it did, you wouldn’t want to go there. Fitzroy is full off chai tea drinking yuppies. Caio.

Angry (and partner), Beaconsfield Pde --------------------------Please don’t shut down the Prince of Wales.

There is already a lack of live music venues!

Whilst I haven’t seen a pub gig for twenty years I feel they still part of the social fabric of the St Kilda.

Angry, Elwood ------------------------Please don’t shut down the Astor. There is already a lack of movie venues! Whilst I haven’t seen a movie at the Astor for twenty years I feel it is still part of the social fabric of the St Kilda.

Angry, Chapel Street ----------------------What’s with the cat that hangs around the Astor? I don’t like it. It looks at me weird. I don’t like weird.

Paranoid, No address supplied ----------------------What’s with the military looking base on Chapel Street? Ya know the one near Duke Street? I don’t like it. It looks like a fortress.

And another thing, I don’t like the Army base up the road.

Paranoid, No address supplied

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20 SKN

Hor ror sco pes

Gemini May 22 - Jun 22

Capricorn Dec 23 - Jan 20

Taurus Apr 21 - May 21

Virgo Aug 24 - Sep 23

Aquarius Jan 21 - Feb 19

Pisces Feb 20 - Mar 20

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 22

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 20

Cancer Jun 23 - Jul 23

MY darling twins, apparently Christmas is meant to bring some serious goodwill to you clever little fuckers. Welcome in the love. And, if you want, send some my way. Have you heard? It’s my birthday. It’s my birthday. It’s my birthday!!! Yay for me.

Darling, darling Virgos: ie: My sister.

Christmas brings forth a very, very, very, very giving spirit this month, so don’t deny it….

What’s that I hear? I don’t have to give back any of the money I borrowed from you? Oh gee, thanks, Katie. Oh, and on the month of my Birthday, too?!? WOW, you’re such a great sister. Thanks, honey. Love you.

Mwaaaaahhh. xxxxxx It may have been a little bit of a difficult year for you Scorpios. There have been lots of changes in attitudes and values, some not so easy to swallow, perhaps? But, not to worry, this next ones gonna be KICKASS. Make sure you celebrate in style.

P.S It’s my Birthday. Just letting you know.

Sagittarius Nov 23 - Dec 22

IT’S MY BIRTHDAY AND I AM THE BEST. IT’S MY BIRTHDAY AND I AM THE BEST. IT’S MY BIRTHDAY AND I AM THE BEST. IT’S MY BIRTHDAY AND I AM THE BEST. IT’S MY BIRTHDAY AND I AM THE BEST. IT’S MY BIRTHDAY AND I AM THE BEST!!!

That is all.

Little sidetracked after writing Sag’s sign. Um, did you know it’s my birthday? Um, yep. So I guess, um, yeah, some stuff will happen this month and, ah, fuck it, ITS MY BIRTHDAY AND I AM THE BEST. ITS MY BIRTHDAY AND I AM THE BEST. Things happen easily for you this month. Just go with it. Don’t doubt it or OVERTHINK it, you little air sign you. Be like Nell. ‘Tree In the wind’.

Ps: It’s my birthday.

Ho Ho Ho, my darling little rams. Taking a trip, are we? I definitely feel a little bit of adventure this Christmas, so pack lightly and efficiently. If you have too much stuff, you can always send it my way.

It’s MY birthday this month, and I welcome all gifts lovingly. Happy birthday to me!

Libra Sep 24 - Oct 23

Best to plan out your month over December.

I get the feeling you Librans are going to be busy little bees, trying to balance out everything, organize parties, food, fun, etc. Try something like this: Organise Christmas lunch, Make sure presents are bought and things are ready, Holiday plans prepared, Buy Ali a birthday present, Service the car for road trip, Buy Ali a birthday present. You get the point..?

N SK

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, “That’s disgusting!”

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there’s a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, “Waitress, there’s a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!”

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong...

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it...so I said “Implants?”

Then the waitress says, “You think that’s disgusting you should see him make donuts.”

“This year marks the loss of one of our greatest sportsmen. Rip Osama, world Hide & Seek champion 2001 – 2011”

Sex in a boat = Oargasms Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms Sex with a prostitue = Whoregasms Sex with an accountant = Boregasms Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms Sex with Arthur = Dudley Mooregasms Sex with cartoon donkeys = Eeyoregasms Sex while broke = Poorgasms Sex with a lion = Roargasms Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms Sex with the vice president = Al Goregasms Sex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms

Just take it easy, little crabby one. Don’t overdo it this December. Just chill in that crispy lil’ shell of yours - although not too close to Barkly street, or the old mate from Claypots might grill your ass….. Speaking of Claypots…. Mmmmmmm. Birthday dinner for me, for me. Birthday dinner for me! (I’m singing that in my head as I lick my lips.)

Leo Jul 24 - Aug 23

Darling kings of the jungle: your heart may seem a little melty and big this Christmas.

Just go with it. Help out where you can. You may not even care if anyone notices, it’ll feel so gosh darn good doing it. If you’d like some practice at how good giving feels, it just happens to be MY birthday this month.

The newspaper will accept gifts on my behalf.

Thanks xx

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question.

“Yes” is the answer.

Women might be able to fake orgasms; But men can fake a whole relationship.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.

If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

From Table Centrepieces ess

Real s a m t s i r Ch rees T

From

Why Christmas?

Religious

Balance, balance, balance - especially between work and family. Make sure you know what you should focus on this month (which should DEFINITELY be work, as family can be annoying, overbearing and a pain in the ass!

Just kidding! Well, sort of.)

And guess WHAT????? It’s my birthday.

Thank you . That is all.

Create A Relaxed Festive Setting

By Bringing Nature Into Your Home This Christmas

Comment:

Christmas is the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, which happened as a result of God’s love for all humans and His desire to open the way to eternity in heaven with Him. Since Adam chose independence from God to become his own god, all human beings have entered the world separated from God with no way of entering heaven by their own efforts. God sent His own Son Jesus to be born of a woman, to be crucified and shed His lifeblood as the only redemption price acceptable to God the Father, thus opening the way back to Himself and His heaven.

All people were made equally acceptable to God by the death of Jesus, but only those who accept Jesus as their Risen Redeemer, and believe in Him as their Saviour, can ever come to know God and be received into His heaven for eternity. “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not His Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through Him might be saved. He that believeth in Him is not condemned: but he that believeth not is condemned already because he hath not believed in the name of the only begotten Son of God.” John 3 v 16 What we choose to do of our own free will here, will determine our destination there. We can choose either separation from God in eternal hopelessness, or the joy of the heaven He has prepared for His children – that is, those who, by putting their faith in Jesus, are saved.

Heaven is not a place where “good” people go, neither is it a place where “bad” people are not welcome. God is waiting with open arms to receive us into His eternal glory, based, not on what we do or don’t do, but on BELIEVING what has been DONE for us by Jesus. We are to know “that God was in Christ, reconciling the world unto Himself, not imputing their trespasses unto them; and hath committed unto us the word of reconciliation.” 2 Corinthians 5 v 19. That’s GOOD NEWS!!!!!!!

By RHA

Is that gate getting a little sore on those horns? Stop hitting it then. The Christmas and New Year period is a time for change, so embrace it. Also, I welcome all spare change and presents. It’s MY birthday this month. I just thought I’d let you know.

domenic personally picks the best trees from the plantation

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SKN 21

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22 SKN

Melanie balassis fav item on Vest

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Fashion Seen On The Streets 7

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Photography by Eric Jong

3 Emma fav item on Skirt

4 ThomAs barnett fav item on Shorts

5 Polly Seager fav item on Zara skirt

within their trade. Which means they can essentially say and do whatever they like with zero repercussions. For a customer or employee to follow up on unfair treatment in a legal capacity is time consuming and complicated.

One exception to this rule is op-shops, who are under stricter regulations to function properly as a not-for-profit business. So when you buy from an op-shop, you can pretty much be certain that employees are getting at least minimum wage, adequate breaks, super and holiday pay. ‘By the books’, if you like. Your purchase contributes to this. You may also be assisting in creating jobs for the margianalised, such as people with disabilities.

Small independent shops and businesses will often pay their staff ‘under the table’. This means a lump sum of, roughly, $100 a day, no matter how many hours the employee works.

They may even be getting paid as little as $10 an hour.

Independent shops are under a lot of pressure to capitalize on as much trade as possible. Staff may work well into the evening.

Hey, the employer isn’t paying staff any more for the shop to stay open longer – so why not, huh?

The minimum wage for a retail assistant working unsupervised is $21.41 an hour. This means $171.28 for an 8-hour day - quite a bit more than a straight hundred. fashion massacre fashion massacre@stkildanews.com Does anyone else out there think this is unacceptable?

The reality is that if consumers click more and shop Furthermore, as the worker is forced to get paid less locally – well, it’s pretty simple, isn’t it? There will under the table, proving anything in court, when they do be no local small business left. Kiss goodbye to your want to exercise their very basic rights, becomes horribly cute little boutiques and hello mass-produced major bureaucratic. chain stores. McFashion, anyone? Would you like some Next issue I’m going to keep on demystifying the McEverything to go with that lifestyle of yours? vintage scene in St Kilda. I’m going to look at some I’ve worked in both large and small fashion individual shops and take a closer peek at the culture businesses. While smaller businesses are often a little from all sides. The consumer, the staff, the owners and, warmer, and more flexible towards staff, I was better of course, the clothes! looked after in the larger organizations. Hey, maybe that’s just me.

In a struggling small business, it’s unlikely they will have any policies covering such things as best practice order and equality. In fact it’s unlikely a very small business has much in the way of regulation of processes

ST KILLA STYLEZ

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Ellie mccooey fav item on skirt

Lest We Forget Boron

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St Kilda proved a fashion hit last Sunday evening, when the ever-growing Carlisle St fashion strip stepped out of the shadows and onto the catwalk, at the opening of the newly re-decorated Greyhound Hotel. Carlisle St Bazaar put on an extravagant display of colour and wonder, showcasing an eclectic collection from local designers, as well as an exciting array of vintage couture.

The festivities kicked off around 3pm at the Greyhound Hotel. And what an amazing venue it is now. This once dark, dingy and cramped pub is now a large open polished venue with professional stage, sound and lighting. No expense has been spared. This venue truly has the ‘Wow’ factor.

The evening, called ‘Goddess on Parade’, was hosted by Kate Buck, who introduced an awesome line up of local live bands, including The Mercy Kills, Fascinators, The Dames, Los Dominados and Buck’s own band, Buckyball Baby. The ever-fabulous Slash Darling, of Tranny Bingo fame - as well as appearances in Joy FM and her own live shows introduced each act in style.

In fine form and fabulously frocked, her performance did not disappoint.

An exciting highlight of the evening was the outstanding four-part fashion parade, held hourly between the bands. Each part had a different flavour and the

crowd was treated to fun and fashion presented, styled and organised by designer Mary Renshaw. The parade showcased some of the wonderful fashion available at the Carlisle St Bazaar.

The first parade featured a 1920’s to1930’s theme; the second 1950’s, 60’s and 70’s fashion; the third, ‘party wear’; and, to finish off, Glam Rock. Each show bristled with the energy of 12 beautiful models, all novices and quite obviously having fun with the clothes and the crowd.

Mary Renshaw’s styling, and her selection of clothes from the various boutiques within Carlisle St Bazaar, contributed to making it a delightful evening of entertainment.

The parade also celebrated the reopening of the Bazaar, which moved to glamorous new heights a few months ago, when the traders exchanged their ground floor lease to the upper floor of the same house. In their new premises, they have managed to retain the charm and charisma of the old residence, allowing individual retailers their own rooms, each opening off a central corridor, and with their own unique style and personality.

SKN 23

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