Does Cheating Make You a Bad Person?

It’s something too many people have to go through—cheating. One of the worst feelings in the world is discovering your partner was intimate with someone else. It’s like someone twists and pulls your gut out…then forces you to swallow it. If you’re in a classroom of college students, chances are that half of those college students have been affected by infidelity in one way or another. Either they have grown up with an unfaithful parent, were the product of an affair, their first love cheated on them, or they were the ones doing the cheating. There’s probably a new article published every week about what it feels like to be cheated on. I have read countless advice columns on grieving through the pain of infidelity: How to Move On in 10 Days, Is It Ok to Stay?, 5 Reasons Why Your Partner Cheated, —It’s all old news.

Something that is hardly discussed is the stigma around cheating. What stigma? There’s a stigma? That is the response I got when discussing some of my points with friends. Yeah, I would say there’s a pretty big stigma around infidelity. I’ve encountered many people who are embarrassed to admit that they’ve been cheated on, that their parents didn’t work out due to infidelity, or that they are the reason their relationship is ruined—because they weren’t faithful to their partner. If you fall under any of these categories, whether you are cheating or being cheated on, it’s important to understand that there’s no need to feel ashamed. Just take a look at these statistics from the LA Intelligence Detective Agency:

74% of men and 68% of women say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught. 30% to 60% of all married individuals will engage in infidelity at some point during a marriage. 57% of men and 53% of women admit to committing adultery in a previous relationship.

There you have it. It happens. A lot. The statistics show that just because people aren’t doing it doesn’t mean they aren’t thinking about it. So is everyone just a little f*cked up, maybe? Maybe we all have those urges sometimes, and some of us are just better at suppressing destructive impulses than others.

Bear in mind I am in no way, shape, or form trying to condone infidelity; this is me trying to explore why people do what they do. From my own experiences, it’s always been difficult to comprehend how you can love someone and still be unfaithful. If you love me, how could you even think of anyone else? Through the anger, it took me sitting down and being honest with myself. I admitted that I thought of other people; I just had more self-control and maturity than my partner. I also may have respected him more than he respected me—clearly.

The happiest of couples can go through an obstacle like this. Anyone can. In a healthy relationship, one’s reason for cheating probably is not because they are unhappy with their partner. Rather, they have low self-esteem and need constant validation, and overall are unhappy with themselves. To add, when people spend their entire lives rule-following and keeping up with society’s standards, breaking the rules and living on the edge can be thrilling. Some people are addicted to the exhilaration which sometimes comes along with cheating. When people are happy in their relationship, it’s less likely that the partner practicing infidelity has fallen out of love with their partner. They’re either in love with the daring feeling of having an affair or the affection they get from the person they have an affair with.

I spoke with a friend of a friend, *Sam Carlson, who has cheated on a boyfriend. Carlson dated her boyfriend for a year, describing their relationship as “fun and strong.” Yet, she ended up cheating on him—with a coworker—for six months! So obviously, my first question was: why exactly did you do that if your relationship was strong like you say? She explained to me that she loved the constant attention she received from her coworker. It boosted her self-esteem. “I felt guilty every single time. I was so scared he’d find out,” said Carlson. Thankfully for her, he never did, and she doesn’t think he ever will.

For many, it isn’t easy to understand how someone can be invested in their boyfriend and want to keep their side piece simultaneously. “I wasn’t really invested in him as a person, just the attention he was able to give me. I cut him off finally after a few months. I regretted it every time, but I kept doing it anyway. I would give myself validation by convincing myself it was okay because I get the attention I need from my coworker,” said Carlson. “I was 100% in the wrong. He didn’t deserve it at all.” Carlson and her boyfriend have since ended, but for different reasons. He still does not know about the affair.

Usually, more consequences surround the cheater than the recipient. One of the most obvious consequences of cheating is losing your partner. You’re human, you made a mistake, and now you must own up to it and deal with the outcomes. If your partner decides to leave, it’s something you, as the cheater, must respect and understand.

After adultery occurs, whether you decide to stay in the relationship or not is nobody’s concern besides you and your partners. I personally think it’s great that some couples can work past problems like infidelity. But another consequence that may arise is constant trust issues. Honestly, as annoying as it may be, you, as the cheater, have to deal with the possibility of missing out on parties because you’ve given your partner reasons to not trust you.

Carlson offers some advice for those who struggle with the guilt of cheating. “I think you learn a lesson from it, and it shows that you can love someone and care for them so much, but that doesn’t mean they’re the right person for you. Everything happens for a reason. You can only learn from your mistakes. Cheating is never good, but remember there was a reason why you felt that way, to begin with. Usually, if you cheat, you either aren’t secure with yourself or your relationship.”

Mistakes are part of human nature, but they don’t make people bad. You are violating your partner’s trust in the worst possible way when you cheat, and it will hurt him or her. Your ability to acknowledge your mistakes is what separates you, as a cheater, from a bad person.

*Name has been changed for privacy