CULTIVATING SELF-COMPASSION

My best friend and I love to joke that we used to be ugly. On a nearly regular basis, we reminisce on our eighth-grade selves, two girls who didn’t wear makeup, didn’t know how to keep our hair from frizzing and couldn’t talk to boys. Sometimes it feels like a relief. Phew! Thank god we don’t look like that anymore. I like my physical appearance now more than I did years ago, so it must mean I’m doing something right. Right?

Often, we fall into the trap of bullying our younger selves, hoping the never-ending cycle of ridiculing and patronizing will make us feel better about our present being. The fact is: we don’t feel better, but we fall into a cycle of self-deprecation masked by the illusion of self-improvement.

Every time I poke fun at my younger self, a thought echoes in the back of my head. Am I going to feel this way about my present self in 10 years? This internal dynamic with my past self only ensures that I’ll remain in a cycle of self-loathing, even if it seems trivial to do so.

Happiness is elusive when we derive it from pursuit. As I sit in class, envying my classmate’s hair and outfit, I become restless, wanting what I don’t have. I think about what I could be, always chasing something that isn’t there. I spend my existence trying to be someone who is past the breach of my physical vessel, filling myself with turmoil and constant distress. I fall into the trap of never being good enough for myself, and shaming past me, instead of treating her with unconditional love and compassion.

What if, instead, I changed the way I look at myself? What if, instead of trying to self-correct versions of my past self, I honor those moments? A part of healing is expressing these affirmations rather than denying them. I decide to tell my classmate I love her hair and outfit. She seems surprised, not expecting to hear that today. That’s ridiculous, I think to myself. If I looked like that, I would never complain again.

She reciprocates the compliment. Wow. I consider that we may feel the same. And I consider that maybe I’m being unfair to myself.

In this moment I realize the biggest blockade to my own growth is me. As I tell myself I should be better, I fail to find peace with my present being. Although it seems like the most important aspect of my young adult life sometimes, my appearance is the least interesting thing about me. And as long as I center myself around others’ gaze, I block myself from meeting my full potential. OLIVIA HANSEN