Diary of an Insomniac
by
Jorge Gonzรกlez Stu Suchit Haley Hefetz
Published by Karmadreams Press www.karmadreams.com
Despair.
It’s all-consuming
Hard to recall what life was like before my world shattered. Even death would be better than the hell I’m in now. Trapped between dreams and reality.
Head feels like it’s gonna explode. I’m so confused.
Everything’s all messed up and twisted. Muddled beyond reason. Can’t tell what’s real from what’s not.
Here comes the moment of truth.
I wonder... will this shock me awake? Or simply kill me?
Finally! Finally I’ll get some rest.
I’m at the edge of an abyss. Is this my end? Or my beginning?
Doesn’t matter. Nothing matters any more. Just do it.
“Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.� -Albert Einstein
The city can be deadly cold, even in the heat of summer.
Pedestrians litter the streets with their presence, strolling past each other without a second glance, avoiding eye contact.
Stark indifference branded on a sea of faces.
We live in a crowded cage of our own making. Trapped. Like rats in a maze.
Drowning in tears.
I close my eyes, hoping to escape my dread existence. Seeking solace in my thoughts. It’s been so long…
But even here I am betrayed. Consumed with thoughts of sleep.
Sleep, glorious sleep. Intoxicating… like a glass of fine wine.
I can’t remember the last time I felt its warm embrace.
If I could just doze off…drift off to blissful slumber… escape reality…
Even if just for a moment… Reality is overrated. Only my dreams can offer comfort.
But when dreams become reality--
--reality becomes the stuff of nightmares.
My life is a waking nightmare.
It’s no wonder I can’t sleep.
Dear diary.
Welcome to the ramblings of a madman. How long has it been now? Days? Weeks?
I don’t have a clue.
It’s amazing how quickly you lose track of time when reality craps out on you.
Even when I’m not sleeping I’m not truly awake.
I feel numb. Isolated. Separated from myself.
A visitor in my own body.
Just going through the motions.
Sleepwalking through life.
My mind…my thoughts…spiraling out of control. Consumed by desperation.
I’m gonna drive myself crazy, if I haven’t already.
My hopes. My fears. They all mean nothing.
Dreams. Reality.
Life and death. Flip sides of the same coin. Sometimes I forget which is which.
I’m tired… So tired…
Time and again I try to force myself to sleep.
But no matter how heavy my eyes get, I can’t keep them shut.
The more I think about sleep the less likely it will come. Is there no release for me?
What exactly is reality, anyway? Does it matter?
Let go of sanity. Let go of life. Is that it? Is that the answer?
Is this what it’s like to go insane?
Has this all been some sort of sick, twisted hallucination? Caught in an endless loop…
No. Don’t think that. Therein truly lies madness!
Take comfort. Small comfort — death comes in the end.
….....
Am I there yet?