Volume 108, Issue 12

Volume 108 107 No. 12 No. 12

HUMORBEAT Principal Eric Contreras, during Open House remarks, mentions his pride for Stuyvesant students 18 times, down 35 from last year and 83 in 2016.

Rodda John (‘17) drops out of college to run Stuy Open Houses.

Dr. Anna Markova takes over Wellness Council, waterboards student leaders with vegetable smoothies, and forces them to do Slavic exercises, reports World Health Organization.

Disrespectator content on pages 1-4 and 21-24

Copy Hall of Fame

By Jeanette Cheung, Michelle Lai, and Jonela Malollari Note: The following excerpts were selected from real applications.

Q: Why do you want to join Copy?

A: “(Humble brag, I swear)”

I try very hard to make sure everything is perfect just so I don’t get irritated.”

It is very irritating to us when there are small mistakes that slip through the applicant’s hands in a Copy application, even if they are as small as putting a space before a comma or putting two spaces between words.

Walkie-talkies banned after they are clinically proven to induce inflated egos and corruption in student leaders.

Students asked to pay service fee to guidance counselors after repeal of SSR neutrality.

The 2018 Pulitzer Prize for Investigative Reporting is awarded to the New York Post for uncovering a Spectator article on cheating at Stuyvesant.

Junior sues ARISTA Executive Council for wasting his time with new volunteering requirement.

Jeremy Rubin goes to baseball practice.

stuyspec.com

March 29, 2018

A: “I want to join copy because during the interest meeting, it spoke to be.”

God spoke to be, too.

A: “I want to read some of the articles before they come out.

Maybe my grammar will improve too.”

Yuh. Mayb.

A: “It is very irritating to me when there are small mistakes that slip through everyone’s hands in a piece of writing, even if it is as tiny as putting a space before a comma accidentally , or putting in a colon instead of semicolon.

So not only is it fun for me, but

A: “Grammar errors make me cringe, especially if it has anything to do with it’s words that sound that same but are different.”

Grammar errors make us cringe, especially when they have to do with improper usage of its and

it’s.

A: “I dislike it when people use long-winded sentences or incorrect grammar and punctuation to make their points. It make sense to channel that into something useful.”

Your long-winded [redacted] isn’t useful or sensical, but here you are.

overlooked by a sleep-deprived Stuy student.”

We shed loud tears.

A: “I once got a 28 on the ACT English, and that’s above average for the nation soooooooooooooo” Hmu when your [redacted] reaches the nation average

A: “Perhaps it is more accurate saying that bad grammar and wording hurts my OCD.” Perhaps it is more accurate to say that your answer hurts OUR OCD.

Q: How can you contribute to Copy?

A: “I don’t know how I can contribute to Copy in terms of editing skills. I feel like I can contribute to Copy with my personality though.”

Oh worm?

A: “When I peer edit an essay in class, I mark that baby up!”

If you hear a knock on your door in a few days, don’t be alarmed, it’s just ACS.

Q: What’s one thing that makes you unique?

A: “I like the smell of Windex.”

Is that a better alternative to tide pods?

A: “I see the destruction of imperfection and holy light fills me. Through this purge, I ascend to the absolute, the ultimate.

Grammar.” anyone in this thread smoke weed?

A: “I’ve accidentally killed all the fish I’ve owned.”

Don’t feel bad, all grammar freaks make their fish suicidal.

A: “I got some valid grammar.” u cuffed bro? pm A: “It seems really fun!!(?)” (¿)¡¡You seem like a good candidate for the Copy Department!!(?)

A: “I shed a silent tear every time I spot a typo in the Spectator,

A: “I do have a weird birthmark on my right leg. It looks like a potato, or possibly the continents of Africa or South America, depending on perspective. If interested in pictures, contact by email.”

Can you SEnd more iNformation on Dat? Not that yoU’re accepteD into our dEpartment of Spec if you do. xd

Editors-in-Chief Jane Rhee and Sophie Watwood Resign Because Evan Wong And His Sophomore Football Friends Tell Them To, Freshman Jeremy Rubin Replaces Them As Supreme Overlord Of Corrupt School Newspaper and Fake News Outlet Dear readers, It is with heavy hearts that we announce the resignation of the entire Spectator editorial board, effective immediately.

We have always committed ourselves to being the pulse of the student body. But when the heart, sophomore Evan Wong, tells us, “Y’all fake news,” we know it is time to step down.

We are more than grateful for the opportunity we have had to publish this paper, and regret only that we could not meet the standards and literary brilliance of Mr. Wong. As he once wrote to us, “Students that read spec is at an all time low! The spectator is a disaster! Bad quality writing and

inaccurate articles. The whole school knows this too. [You] also have incompetent people running the page.”

We have heard you loud and clear and can only hope that both competence and favorable coverage of Mr. Wong’s relationship with Ms. Russack will soon return.

Sincerely, Jane Rhee and Sophie Watwood P.S. Yes, we did just write this article so that our faces could be on the front page. #SpecisCorrupt

The Spectator ● March 29, 2018

Page 2

Disrespectator Dear Incoming Stuyvesant Class of 2022…

The Spectator Has Advice!

By Maddy Andersen and Erin Lee

these five to six hours are not too much to handle.

According to a recent survey, 56 percent of the incoming class of 2022 created a Facebook account within the first week of being admitted into Stuyvesant. Most were added to the Dear Incoming Stuyvesant Class of 2022….We Have Advice! group, and within hours, they were subjected to a constant stream of advice from upperclassmen. However, it is well known that Facebook is an unreliable source, and as upperclassmen ourselves, we have decided to share our own advice. I’m sorry, did we say upperclassmen? We meant current freshmen. You can trust us though! We have got seven whole months of experience at Stuyvesant under our belts.

On The Stuyvesant Scholar Lifestyle and That One Kid Who is Annoyingly Perfect

On Having a Normal Sleep Schedule? One Can Dream

We are sure you have heard of the high school life triangle, where you can only have two out of the following three: sleep, good grades, and a social life. Luckily, Stuyvesant does not have a heavy workload. There are only about five to six, seven maximum, hours of homework each night, not including time needed to study for the many, many difficult tests you will receive. But don’t panic! As long as you don’t participate in any extracurriculars, go straight home, and don’t make any friends,

As one of the most elite schools in the city, perhaps even in the country, there is no doubt that there are great scholars at Stuyvesant. But don’t worry, it’s simple for you to be a scholar too! Sure, that kid in bio class gets 100s on all his tests, but that’s no reason for you to feel inferior. And sure, there is that girl who participates in three clubs, chorus, two PSAL teams, has a 98 average, and a regular and healthy sleep cycle. But these people will just motivate you to become a better student!

They definitely won’t give you crippling depression as you realize your incompetence and lack of talent and ability.

On The Way to Become Your Guidance Counselor’s BFF on Day One

A favorite PSAL sport here at Stuyvesant is trying to convince the program office to rearrange your entire schedule to avoid a teacher you have heard rumors about on Facebook. As incoming freshmen, it is never too early to start training. Read up on all of the freshmen teachers at Stuyvesant, and make sure you are familiar with the horror stories from some random upperclassman who you

STUDENTS REACT: Talos To Replace SHSAT

By Jonela Malollari

“Is Bronx Science .5 of a high school?” —Jonathan Schneiderman, freshman “Bruh Rodda John graduated wtf.” —Sophie Watwood, junior “Finally, a truly colorblind method of admission.” —Emily Xu, junior “I can’t wait to transfer out of

Brooklyn Tech after one semester!”

—ur mom “Whomst?!” —Jonela Malollari, junior “6/10. Would be a more holistic approach if the form accounted for your second grade honors extracurriculars.”—some junior “Stop e-mailing me your applications!” —Programming

don’t know anything about as a student. If you are lucky, the upperclassmen will create a spreadsheet with every teacher, labeling them all so you know who to avoid.

Also, be sure to ignore the people telling you that every student has a different experience with each teacher because who are they anyway? If worse comes to worst, make sure to tell your guidance counselor that you are romantically attracted to your teacher so that you have a 99 percent chance of transferring out of that class and a 100 percent chance of creating a bad impression on the counselor who will write your college recommendations.

On The Worst Part of a Stuyvesant Student’s Day

Stuyvesant has 10 floors, with different departments on each one. You won’t break your legs climbing up the stairs, but you will climbing up the broken escalators that seem to have absolutely no purpose in the building. Sometimes, two consecutive ascending escalators won’t work, and you’ll spend the passing time between classes just questioning your existence. However, you’ll just tell yourself that these hourly workouts will make you a fit, unstoppable, healthy machine by the end of the year. But we all know you’ll get bubble tea everyday, leading you to question why you’re so out of shape even after alllll thoseeeee stairssssss. Pretty soon, you will

be able to see the look of despair on a student’s face, and without a doubt, you will know that that escalator is broken. But don’t fret, they’ll all be working once Parent Teacher Conferences come around, and your parents will see what a breeze getting to class is.

On Getting that MuchNeeded Fuel

Now that you are a high schooler, you are an adult who can go out during your lunch period and buy yourself a meal. Besides the fact that every time you go out to lunch you will almost be late to your next-period class, lunch is a blast! Got some cash as a present from that one uncle you don’t know that well? Looking to blow it all in a week? Try eating at one of the following places during your lunch! Brookfield has expensive options with long lines, especially during rush hour.

But if you push everyone out of your way and run back to school while eating your $15 meal, going to Brookfield becomes an enjoyable experience. Make sure to go to Ferry’s and Terry’s for quick deli food, and not know which is which until well into your second semester. Also, stand out in the freezing cold while munching on your BLT because you can’t come back inside the building until the end of the period!

On Forever Alone Flower Sales

During the holiday seasons, the Indicator hosts flower sales for you to send flowers to your teachers, friends, or significant other.

It’s the time when one girl in your homeroom gets five red rose bouquets and you receive two carnations, one from your only friend and one from your lovely Big Sibs. You can also over evaluate the type of flower you received, because a red rose is obviously different from a white carnation!

Plus, you get to live through the awkward conversation of asking that one friend if they want a flower without knowing if you will receive one in return. Don’t worry, though! Fewer flowers means you have fewer dying plants to haul from class to class. And definitely don’t sulk. If you are lucky, that one girl will have too many roses, and she might just give one to you.

Plus, with all the extra cash you saved by not getting people flowers, you can buy some Kleenex for your sorrows. Or for your allergies from all that pollen. Either one.

Even though we’re extremely reliable, every Stuyvesant student is different, even if 99 percent of us are of Asian descent. We hope we have reassured your worries about starting at the hardest high school in the city, but honestly, we know that you will spend the rest of eighth grade worrying about September. See you then!

BREAKING NEWS!

By Jerry Ye and Darius Jankauskas Stuyvesant escalators are running! On April 1, 2048, Principal Eric Contreras announced that from this day onwards, Stuyvesant escalators from the 18th to the 19th floor will always be running. “Escalators will no longer only be running during Open House and Parent Teacher Conferences,” Contreras said.

Students are very excited to see the improvements made. They are tired of the escalators, especially the ones from the 11th to the 20th floor that hardly ever work. “Only escalators from the first to the 10th floor ever run, and they barely run at all,” junior Katie Wu complained.

Most teachers at Stuyvesant are in agreement. “The escalators are never running, and that’s a problem,” Physical Education teacher Dr. Anna Markova admitted. “What students don’t know is that none of us want to get exercise done either.”

“Every time the elevators are out of order, Ms. Garber’s warbled scream can be heard on every floor,” Nurse Danielle said, writing out another questionable elevator pass for a student who didn’t want to walk up four escalators, “But you didn’t hear it from me.”

However, not everyone is happy with the news. “The track team was planning on practicing for marathons by running up and down

from the the escalators ten times between every period,” said junior track captain Eric Wong. “Now, we need to travel all the way to Central Park on the subway, which runs about as well as the escalators did!”

Overall, however, the reception was positive, and Principal Contreras, leader of the “Make Escalators Great Again!” campaign, took an inaugural ride on the new and improved escalators from the second to the fourth floor. Just as he got on, however, the escalator shuddered to a halt, eliciting a chorus of groans from onlookers riding along. The administration promises that the escalators will be improved at least for the class of 2022.

Choubs Vaskeralian Appointed Assistant Principal of Lunch Physical Ingestion (P.I.)

By Jonela Malollari Effective April 1, 2018, Coach Choubs Vaskeralian, affectionately dubbed “Choubs” or “Oh No He’s Coming!” by his pupils, will become the first Stuyvesant High School faculty member to earn the position of Assistant Principal of Physical Ingestion (known colloquially as “lunch”).

“No one in the history of this

school has worked harder to keep our halls clear of students doing the bare minimum to stay alive,” Principal Eric Contreras said. “He is truly an inspiration to everyone incapable of staying in their gosh darned lane.”

This upgrade will come as no surprise to Stuyvesant students, approximately 405 percent of whom have fallen victim to Choubs’s keen nose at least

once during their high school tenure. Some even hope that his administrative duties may keep him office-bound for extended periods of time, finally allowing them the freedom to scribble down test answers from friends on milk cartons and apples, along with other illicit activities that The Spectator is not at liberty to mention.

“I’m tired of having to franti-

cally shove my lunch somewhere inconspicuous every time I see a flash of red in my periphery,” said junior Kelly Farginkle. “All of my bras smell like fries now.”

Mr. Vaskeralian’s rollerblading students have allegedly observed a subtle change in the styling of his goatee—likely a celebration of his promotion.

However, Mr. Vaskeralian declined to comment on the hairy

black “A” and “P” on his left and right cheeks, respectively.

Students interested in speaking to Choubs are asked to frisbee-toss a lunch tray into the first floor lobby, which will return to them like a boomerang with a room number, office hours, and a recommended vegetarian menu etched on the back.

Harry Potter and the Freshman’s Dilemma

By Mihad Khondker

It has been a long Monday, and I have just finished my calculus test. I quickly make my way up to the ninth floor, where I stuff my overweight schoolbag into my locker. My locker buddy moved out a week ago, complaining that she couldn’t fit in any of her stuff.

Whatever, more room for me.

The time is 4:00 p.m., and I have until 5:00 p.m. before my unsupervised extracurriculars end. Speech and Debate takes place around the same time as

Model U.N. and track practice, and the Harry Potter meeting coincides with the Spectator Humor meeting. I almost close my locker when I remember that I forgot something. I reach inside my bag and dig around the pool of paper until I come across a long chain resting at the bottom. I trace my fingertips hungrily along the metal, and without hesitation, I pull the item out hurriedly. I let out a sigh of relief as I gaze at my trusty time turner.

My first stop is Speech and Debate on the sixth floor. After

an hour of talking very fast and gasping for breath, I rush into the bathroom and pull out the hourglass from my pocket.

“Nice necklace,” says a junior, laughing as she walks away.

I don’t give the comment much attention. How would she know what it’s like to have no time for anything? Juniors.

I dial the time turner back one full turn and brace myself for the feeling of ecstasy. I open my eyes to find myself on the ninth floor again. The clock shows 4:00 p.m., and I smile triumphantly

as I stuff the chain into my bag.

Time for Model U.N. I sigh and trudge down to the third floor.

I repeat this routine three more times, once to attend track practice (which I have already warmed up for by climbing stairs), another to show up for the Spectator Humor meeting, and then finally for the Harry Potter Club.

During one of the time turnings, I was notified that there was time traffic, which set me back half an hour. I got concerned glances from teachers heading home as I angrily glared at the tiny hour-

glass in my hand.

The unintelligible voice on the intercom announces: “It is 5:00. All after-school activities must now come to an end. Thank you, and have a nice day.” It has been a long Monday, and I have just finished my extracurricular activities. I quickly make my way to the ninth floor, where I pull my overweight schoolbag out from my locker. I almost walk away when I remember that I have forgotten something.

“MY TIME TURNER!”

The Spectator ● March 29, 2018

Page 3

Disrespectator Soph-Frosh Still Celebrating SING! “Win” Over Juniors

By Artem Ilyanok and Eliza Spinna As the results from SING! were announced in the theater, a great cheer emanated from the waiting crowd. Soph-Frosh SING!, for the first time in probably like, a few (we’re too lazy to do the research on this one #SpecIsFakeNews) years, beat the junior class, accumulating a total of (we should probably look this one up) points.

Somehow managing to avoid point deductions for their infamous and catastrophic stage collapse, Soph-Frosh undoubtedly had a good evening. “It’s

a miracle, really,” said sophomore and cast member Zeynep Bromberg, noting, however, that the win was one hundred percent deserved and that “no, there was no undercover bribery of alumni, who even asks that, really?”

The juniors are less happy about the outcome. “It’s an outrage,” fumed junior Adam Oubaita. “How does SophFrosh avoid point deductions after nearly getting someone killed? What idiot builds a set that is structurally unsound to the point that the Daily News has to report on it?”

Regardless of this contro-

The Biggest Joke?

The Spectator News Department

By Jane Rhee and Sophie Watwood

piquing the interest of absolutely no one.

We decided we could do better.

Here are the alternative facts.

- Groundhog foresees that no current Stuyvesant students will be Nobel Prize winners.

Principal Contreras is “absolutely confounded,” and demands a second opinion.

- The Student Union’s weekly newsletters continue to use Comic Sans font, clipart, and emoji bullet points.

- Traffic signs, including Stop, Yield, and Dead End, will be placed in front of Stuy teachers who write books, according to proposed study by the NYC Department of Transportation.

- Stuyvesant Spectator declares that if SU continues to publish in Comic Sans, they will print all SU coverage in the font.

- “Teachers should stop writing books,” says the entire student body, according to Spectator survey.

- “Teachers should stop,” says the entire student body, according to Spectator survey.

- Drywall, thorn-covered bush, Hurricane Sandy, recently-beheaded chicken: Objects most used to describe Stuy teachers, says recent New York Post survey of [two] students.

- Teachers must give instruction even on days when Stuy parents are not visiting their classrooms under new labor contract reached by union, City Hall.

- Forcing Stuy teachers to write their own exams instead of using online test banks is a violation of their freedom of speech, says lawsuit filed by American Civil Liberties Union.

- Along with Fake News, Stuy students must sift through Fake Clubs, especially before the college admission season, says college counselor Jeff Makris.

- Time and effort to remove negative comments from RateMyTeachers.com can instead be used by teachers to become better instructors, according to RateMyTeachers.com.

- A massive data dump of the Facebook profiles of every Stuy student on WikiLeaks revealed desperate messages asking for love reacts on recent photos and pictures of homework— matters affecting the national security of zero nations and

- Trump and Kim Jong-un sign NDA in advance of historic meeting: “I don’t get why this is remotely intriguing to anyone.

This is just so the two men… never mind, I get it now,” said Vice President Mike Pence.

The Search is Over: Sophomore Crafts the Ultimate Schedule

By Jonela Malollari and Ariel Melendez “Is this manageable?”

1. AP Why Does Everyone Hate Me 2. Music Brunch 3. AP Integrated Algebra 4. Honors Foosball 5. Advanced Rec Letter Asking 6. International Baccalaureate Stress Management 7. Buy My Facebook Silence With a Scholarship 8. Sleep My Way Up to Club President Tutorial 9. AP SAT VIII EXAM Prep 10. Advanced Journalism

11. AP Begging For More APs 12. AP Honors IB Elective Research 13. Remedial Regents Origami 14. How to Get Into Physics E With a Doctor’s Note 15. Can I Take BC Calc If I Get Close with Johnson 16. Secret Formula For Acceptance to MIT Exploration 17. Why Won’t You Factor In My 2nd Grade Average :( (it was a 197.56/100, for reference) 18. GPA-Rounding Regeneron 19. Peer Editing Common App Workshop 20. Independent Study of Nuances and Philosophy of the Perfect Harvard Application

versy, Soph-Frosh is determined to enjoy their victory, even weeks after SING! season has ended. “Everyone knows we had no chance of beating the seniors,” mused SophFrosh chorus member Adrian Dickson. “It’s a rigged system, so being able to overcome the juniors is the greatest achievement of 2018, or probably, like, ever made by anyone,” he continued. Dickson noted that he can still be caught dapping his friends in the hallway, congratulating them on their incredible victory.

Other sophomores, too, have been spotted dancing

wildly to their spirit song on the sophomore bar, which is very likely more durable and structurally sound than their set.

Freshmen, on the other hand, do not have a bar to dance on, and have thus resorted to awkwardly high-fiving one another and posting four photos of their crew every day on Facebook, complete with sentimental musings about the crew’s relationship and generous praise for each of their crewmates.

Juniors took issue with this, complaining that half of their crew was unable to make Friday’s performance due to the SAT exam scheduled for the

following day. “How can we [be] expected to compete with such an important test on our minds?” grumbled Oubaita.

“It’s like North Korea being happy about beating the U.S. at the Olympics because the Olympic skater was too hungover to compete.”

Dickson was unflustered: “The juniors can make all the excuses they want, but they are all fake news. What even is the ‘sat?’ The only ‘sat’ that happened was when we sat on their performance!” He paused, chuckling at his clever, hilarious pun.

Mr. Hanna to Teach 6 pds of AP Hanna next Semester

By Hanna Students who have history teacher David Hanna are accustomed to his flagrant use of assignments and class time to flex his own books and career as an author. Last week, in fact, he tasked his AP U.S. History class with watching a 25-minute interview featuring none other than himself for homework (actual facts, not a Disrespectator joke).

However, many are wondering if Hanna took it too far on Friday, March 23, when he instructed students to buy his full collection of books or risk failing his class. “Only $350, but $349 if you qualify for free/ reduced lunch,” Hanna said.

“Attend my tutoring session Wednesday and I’ll make it taxdeductible.”

Nonetheless, the majority of Hanna’s classes are down with the idea. “I see this as a learning opportunity,” Rodda John (‘17), who is auditing the class, said.

“To be honest, however, I’m not sure whether the class will actually be reading the books, or just the ‘About the Author’ sections.”

This isn’t the first time such an incident has occured. Last year, Hanna had a week-long lesson on his work as a historian. Students then had to write a document-based question (DBQ) on Hanna’s life, with all the documents being excerpts of his own work. (The assignment was inspired by Mr. Sandler’s from the previous week, in which the DBQ was based mostly on pictures of himself, his children, and his wife, Carol.) Although the DBQ may have been challenging, the extra credit was a dead giveaway—the question: who in Mr. Hanna’s life served in World War I? Any member of the cult ‘Hanna the Historian’ would know the correct answer to be his grandfather on his mother’s side, who enlisted when he was 18 years old.

Global Studies Assistant Principal Jennifer Suri even confronted Hanna about the curriculum, asking him why he chose to cover his own life in a more in-depth way than other events in history. “It’s simple.

I’m the greatest addition to history in the history of the world,” Hanna said. “I’m currently pressuring textbook makers worldwide to add chapters on me.”

Although an unethical practice, the frequent sucking-up in room 229 seems to be working. “The fourth student in two weeks asked to borrow my book yesterday, and I just could not resist giving it to him, ” Hanna said.

Addendum: The Spectator Editorial Board would like to say that they LOVE Mr. Hanna, and that they appreciate his continuing support for The Spectator, and they would like to ask that he continue reading The Spectator, and if they could please borrow his book.

A Guide to Being Artsy

By Jevina Wong

Tired of being called “basic?” Drained from wasting money on avocados and açai to be “hipster?” Well, you’re in luck because there’s a new label in town. More and more people today are embracing the “artsy” lifestyle, opting for less reason and more feeling. Artsy isn’t about getting a 99 in Art App, impressing people by taking AP Art History, or even just being the best artist around. It’s

ing. Post any trippy, reflectiontype photos. Harsh rainbow lighting is the best type of lighting. Any videos must be strange, bear no context, and be understood by only a few others. Find any murals in the city and pose in front of them simultaneously unironically and ironically. The blurrier the pictures, the better. Never smile in selfies—any pictures of you should be looking down at the camera with some half-confused and halfconstipated expression. Cap-

less than -10 monthly listeners. Name your playlists some sort of combination of a color, a fruit, and a time of day. Your friends will surely appreciate your Dusty Purple Kiwi Afternoon and your Pee Yellow Coconut Crack of Dawn.

DRESS

Thrift the most worn-in clothes possible. Make sure they are near-breaking and retain all the scents of the previous owner. Wear T-shirts and

What’s pop music? Never heard of it.

The blurrier the pictures, the better. about living as art itself. Here’s a guide to living your best artsy life because after all, life imitates art (and not the other way around!).

INSTAGRAM

Whatever your page looks like now, trash it. Burn it. Don’t even save one picture. Your bio shouldn’t be more than just your name and a thought. High school and graduating class is very un-artsy. Your new aesthetic needs to be incohesive and inconsistent, yet still interest-

tions should also be short and can be enigmatic or straight-up nonsensical. Emojis should be limited; make sure they have nothing to do with your picture and are the ones that literally no one else uses.

MUSIC

What’s pop music? Never heard of it. In fact, you’ve never heard of anything except for the very underground indie artists that no one else has heard of either. Make sure all the artists that you follow on Spotify have

bags with profound messages that you yourself don’t understand. Accessories can be wire earrings as long as they are bent into some sort of shape. And tell people it’s a word or something, so they can look at your earrings for a while until they pretend that they can see it.

HAIR

Really short bangs. Like, really short and really blunt. And cut them yourself. We don’t know why. Just do it.

Page 4

The Spectator â—? March 29, 2018

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The Spectator The Stuyvesant High School Newspaper Opinions

Letter to the Editors

“Juulry Design Now Offered Periods 1-10”

“Dear White People”

A&E Editors William Lohier and Emily Xu explain why you need to stop listening to yourself talk and start acknowledging your privilege. see page 4

Volume 108 No.12

“The Pulse of the Student Body”

“Yo can I hit your juul?” The Opinions department offers their (divided) takes on a topic previously limited to Battery Park (and the bathrooms. And your physics class.

And…) see page 12

March 29, 2018

stuyspec.com

Stuyvesant Holds Third Annual International Women’s Day Run

By Chloe Doumar and Mai Rachlevsky

Tiffany Yu / The Spectator

Hundreds of students ran along the Hudson River in Stuyvesant’s third annual International Women’s Day Run on Monday, March 19; Thursday, March 22; and Friday, March 23.

Though the national holiday was celebrated back in the beginning of March, the run at Stuyvesant was held with the same objectives: to celebrate female empowerment, achievement, and wellness. “Our run is a collective effort to promote and celebrate women’s health and rights. We see each participant as a voice that gets amplified as the run goes on,” senior and Executive Coordinator Joyce Wu said.

The event was a joint effort by the Stuyvesant Track and Field Team, the Roadrunners Club, and the Wellness Council. Members reached out to corporate sponsors such as Kind, Justin’s, SoulCycle, Boomchickapop, Kuymi, and the Stuyvesant Alumni Association and received food and drink donations for the participants of the run. “We’re really proud of our sponsors this year!

The IWD board worked really

hard to get snacks from [various] companies,” said senior and CoExecutive Coordinator Amy Ren. Unlike past years, this year’s International Women’s Day Run coordinators decided to charge participants $1 for the International Women’s Day Run T-shirts and donate the profits to Womankind, formerly the New York Asian Women’s Center. Womankind offers free financial, housing, employment, and education services for women affected by domestic violence, human trafficking, and sexual violence.

“We figured that if every participant donated $1 in return for a shirt, we could raise a lot more for our cause,” Ren said.

Over 600 students and faculty members chose to run this year. “I ran in the International Women’s Day because I thought it was important to bring awareness to women’s achievements around the world. I was proud to wear my International Women’s Day shirt because it was like a sign of strength to me,” freshman Michelle Kwon said. She was surrounded by hundreds of other students, many holding handmade signs that read “This is what a feminist looks

like” and “Glass ceilings are made to be broken,” demonstrating a stronger emphasis on the political significance of the run.

“I think the run was successful because many people showed up. Many people weren’t there just for extra credit or for

March for Our Lives

sports teams, but because they were there for the movement too,” junior Izze Mendoza said.

On Saturday, March 24, 2018, many students joined protesters in the March for Our Lives, a part of the #NeverAgain movement for gun control legislation.

The Spectator ● March 29, 2018

Page 6

News Stuyvesant Holds Third Annual International Women’s Day Run

Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons and NASA

WORLDBEAT A gunman opened fire in a supermarket in southern France before seizing hostages and demanding the release of the prime surviving suspect of the 2015 terrorist attack in Paris. The attacker, Redouane Lakdim, declared allegiance to the Islamic State during the massacre before security forces stormed the building and killed him.

Excluding Lakdim, three people have been killed and 16 wounded.

Amidst fear of a trade war between the U.S. and China, the Dow Jones Industrial Average plummeted over 1,100 points in the last two trading days of last week. This comes after President Trump announced his intention to impose a tariff on $60 billion of Chinese imports. The stock market has since climbed out of correction territory, regaining 669 points Monday, after statements from Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin that he was optimistic both nations could avert a trade war.

Gun reform activists from all areas of the country attended the March for Our Lives protest in Washington D.C., demanding tighter gun regulations. Hundreds of thousands of people poured into the streets around the world in sister marches. As of yet, Congress has shown little intention to act on the protests.

Facebook is under fire after admitting that data analysis firm Cambridge Analytica, which has close ties to President Trump’s election campaign, used data that had been collected from over 50 million users without their consent. In the wake of this, the Federal Trade Commission announced it is investigating the company’s data practices, and Facebook stock briefly fell into bear market before paring losses.

March for Our Lives

William Lohier / The Spectator

William Lohier / The Spectator

Photos Courtesy of: Mary Ann Foley, Kevin Boodram, Maddy Anderson, and Allie Lennard.

Photos by Tiffany Yu

The Spectator ● March 29, 2018

Page 7

Features

By Talia Kahan, Hayeon Ok, and Zoe Oppenheimer The first few days of the spring semester caused confusion for a group of freshmen who found an unexpected class on their schedule: Health!

Freshman Alexander Lake, a student in Garber’s fifth period class, explained his reaction to receiving the course. “Initially, I was a little frustrated, because I was looking forward to having two free periods and being able to move my schedule around to be able to have more free time at the end of the day to fit in my other extracur-

A Fresh Look at Freshman Health semester continued, she started appreciating the topics and applying them to her own life.

While some freshmen were disappointed to be losing a free, juniors wish that they had had the option to take it earlier as it would have made their Stuyvesant experience easier in multiple ways. Junior Lily Yan, Fang’s student, explained in an email interview, “I think if I’d had the opportunity to partake in a health class, I would’ve learned sooner about how to improve my own mental health and about how important it is to ask for help instead of bottling everything up.”

Junior Allie Lennard agreed, describing in an email interview,

“Although Junior year is notorious for being work-heavy and very stressful, I had a much more difficult time dealing with stress as a freshman, so I think Health class would’ve been a nice addition to my schedule and would’ve been favorable to my wellbeing.”—Allie Lennard, junior

riculars and other commitments.

But in the long term, I realized it was important and better for me to have a free period junior year.”

Freshman Missal Tabassum agreed that although she was originally surprised to learn that she would be taking the class, as the

“Although Junior year is notorious for being work-heavy and very stressful, I had a much more difficult time dealing with stress as a freshman, so I think Health class would’ve been a nice addition to my schedule and would’ve been favorable to my well-being.”

A unit on substance abuse is planned for later on in the semester. Similar to Yan’s feeling that learning how to deal with stressful situations at Stuyvesant would have been beneficial for her early in her Stuyvesant career, many students feel that having exposure to information about drugs and alcohol use might lower the number of people who use these substances, especially because many students start using them before their junior year.

Junior Ting Ting Chen reasoned in an email interview, “Junior year is too late for people to learn about drugs, mental health, and other things they encounter upon entering Stuy as freshmen.”

And based on the data, Chen is right. According to the Spectator’s survey of the class of 2017, 18.9 percent of seniors said that they had used marijuana since starting at Stuyvesant, and 42.9 percent said that they had used alcohol.

(The most recent survey did not ask about usage).

Not only is junior year too late for learning about substance abuse, but by the time it rolls around, many students have experienced substance abuse first hand and lack education about the various substances they are using.

“Putting off educating us about taboo topics, like sex and drinking, doesn’t delay people’s experiences with them. It’s inevitable that teenagers are going to take risks, so it’s important that we are educated beforehand to ensure that we do these things in the safest way possible” Lennard explained in an email-interview.

Freshmen not only gain helpful knowledge near the beginning of their Stuyvesant experience.

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Many also genuinely enjoy Health and consider the material interesting and useful. Tabassum noted, “I like that most of it is student driven, in that students

Joyce Li

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The

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would often go outside of class, they take whatever information they earn and then present it to their peers in a way that is more clear and comprehensive for them.”

Juniors agree with this assessment of Health, despite them taking it in different years. Lennard mentioned in an email interview, “I really, really enjoyed health class! It wasn’t really specific things I learned that were memorable. It was more the discussions we had. Health class provided a nice escape from the rigid, lecture-style classes that are so common at Stuy. In Health, we were able to talk freely about issues or situations that affect every one of us.”

Additionally, Yan explained

that most of the assignments are intriguing and do not feel like busy work. “The assignments we do get are always interesting. Past assignments include analyzing health advertisements directed toward teenagers, asking friends and family of their opinions about us, and creating our own plans to change an unhealthy behavior” she said in an email interview. Lennard reiterated, “Health was refreshing as it was more relaxed and sometimes more engaging than common core classes. We did have some major assignments, but they were enjoyable and not at all an inconvenience.”

However, one disadvantage of adding the class to a freshmen’s schedule is the possibility that it might add to the stress of changing high schools and adjusting to new environments. This problem did not arise for Yan because the class’s workload is relatively light.

Chen, expressing a different opinion, explained in an email interview, “I wish I had been able to take health freshman year, when I had fewer classes.”

To freshmen and juniors alike, Health is an interesting and helpful class that teaches topics pertinent to students at Stuyvesant. The decision to offer Health to freshmen is popular, and, in fact, many upperclassmen regret that this option was not made available earlier. The best change that the administration could make now would be increasing the number of sections for future freshman classes.

The Spectator ● March 29, 2018

Page 8

Opinions Fighting for the Soul of the Democratic Party

By Brian Moses “Our Revolution continues!”

Bernie Sanders proclaimed to a crowd of distraught supporters in a concession speech at the Democratic National Convention. He went on to say that their struggle to create a government that “represents all of us, not just the one percent, continues.” He was met with thunderous applause. At that same convention, he robustly endorsed nominee Hillary Clinton, mostly out of political necessity. Despite broad conflicts on policy and personal character, she was still preferable to Trump. She was received slightly less well by the Bernie crowd, some of whom even chanted Trump’s catchphrase, “Lock her up,” in opposition to Hillary’s nomination.

Until recently, the Democratic Party has done a reasonable job concealing the ever-widening gulf within its own ranks. And with Trump in office, it hasn’t been too difficult. For instance, the party is united in opposition to Republican plans on healthcare and tax cuts. But recently, a huge divide over a rather unassuming banking bill has exposed the charade.

The story begins in 2010, when the Senate voted 59-39, mostly along party lines, to place tighter restrictions on banks that

were meant to prevent another financial crisis. This past week, the Senate voted to ease some of those rules, with all 51 Republicans and 16 Democrats in favor.

Their justification was that overregulation was hampering growth and didn’t make the nation more secure. Senator Warren, a progressive from Massachusetts and one of the original bill’s greatest champions, denounced the partial repeal, saying that it “doesn’t benefit anyone besides the big banks,” who are able to “get Senators of both parties to do their bidding.”

The divide over this bill is significant because it’s arguably the first time in recent history that the split in the Democratic Party has had real legislative consequences, but is far from the first indication of the rift in the party.

Progressive and moderate Democrats share many of the same views: fighting corruption, plugging loopholes in the tax code, and transitioning to renewable energy sources. They also remain united on social issues, both supporting stricter gun control, amnesty for illegal immigrants, and equality for traditionally disadvantaged minorities.

Despite this, a battle over the soul of the Democratic Party between traditional moderates and more militant progressives has been going on for years. And

progressives seem increasingly determined to guide the party to the left. At an event last year, Senator Warren claimed, “We [progressives] are not a wing of today’s Democratic Party. We are the heart and soul of today’s Democratic Party.”

These big words have been accompanied by a surge of enthusiasm and activism from the progressive left over the past two years. One thing that has been missing, however, is pragmatism.

Certainly, progressives hold some admirable policy stances.

Many backed gay marriage and the LGBT rights movement before mainstream Democrats caught on. Progressive politicians are also free of corruption for the most part, an issue where other Democrats have a less-thanspectacular record. The problem with progressivism is its promotion of easy solutions to complex issues. From free healthcare to free education, many progressive politicians preach the need for more government programs, while avoiding questions as to their funding. The estimated cost of government-funded healthcare in the U.S. ranges from $1.4 trillion to $2.8 trillion—per year.

Beyond vague promises to make wealthy Americans “pay their fair share,” progressives refuse to explain how they plan to fund their

policy proposals.

Progressives frequently use Scandinavian countries like Sweden as evidence of their policies’ viability. At first glance, they seem correct. Sweden has free healthcare and essentially free education. Those in the top bracket of earners pay their “fair share” to fund these programs in the form of a whopping 56 percent income tax. And for those earning above $2300, it’s a tax of 30 percent of their total income.

Progressives claim that these programs would work in the U.S. because they work in other countries, like Sweden. But the problem is that what they propose is fundamentally different from what does work in other nations. Bernie Sanders’s website proposes a 52 percent income tax for those making $10,000,000 per year. But in Sweden, the top rate applies to everyone earning $76,000 or more yearly, mirroring systems in other European nations. Progressives have been reluctant to admit that adopting huge government programs would require big tax increases for everybody. And not many Americans would be willing to shell out over half of their income in taxes.

In fact, according to numerous surveys, around 15 percent of Americans identify as progressive, far from an electoral

majority. Progressive politicians simply aren’t popular enough to be elected in the numbers required to pass legislation. They could, however, derail mainstream Democrats’ attempts to retake control of government in the 2018 midterm elections by encouraging supporters to vote for other candidates.

Beyond being elected, a divided Democratic party could have serious problems actually creating legislation. Take one of the most contentious issues, healthcare, where the party is sharply divided between those seeking Obamacare reform and flat-out universal healthcare.

We’ve already seen the effects this kind of division can have, when Republicans failed to reform Obamacare despite having complete control of the federal government due to divisions on what reforms should be implemented.

While progressives continue their crusade for justice in America’s political system, they should remember that their selfproclaimed goal is improving quality of life for all Americans.

Progressives should rally behind the movement that has a shot at enacting real change in America rather than pushing fantastical ideas supported by a small minority of Americans.

Elena Sapelyuk / The Spectator

The Advantages of Sunshine

By Eliza Spinna Last month at the Olympics, 92 nations and 2,922 athletes arrived in Pyeongchang County, South Korea, with the primary aim of taking home gold medals.

The host country, however, had an additional goal in mind. President Moon Jae-in of South Korea planned to use the Olympics as “peace games” to encourage both North Korea and the United States to ease off their threats, at least temporarily.

And, to some extent, President Moon achieved his objective. The Winter Olympics began with North Korean leader Kim Jong-un sending his sister south to hand-deliver an invitation to Moon to visit Pyongyang, the North Korean capital, for a diplomatic summit. At the Opening Ceremonies, athletes from the two Koreas marched into the stadium under the same unified Korean flag wearing the same white uniform.

But this thawing of relations is hardly unprecedented. During the early 2000s, South Korea adopted a policy of positive diplomatic and economic engagement with North Korea called the Sunshine Policy, which President Moon has announced he is

attempting to emulate. During the first years of this century, cooperation between South Korea and North Korea was at its peak.

South Korean companies were encouraged to invest in North Korea’s largely undeveloped economy. The policy sparked the creation of the Kaesong Industrial Park, a special economic zone in which South Korea and North Korea worked together to mine North Korea’s $10 trillion in untapped resources, creating countless jobs for otherwise-impoverished North Koreans.

The policy also boosted the South Korean economy, which historically has suffered as a result of North Korean hostility.

Choe Sang-Hun writes in The New York Times that the highly globalized South Korean economy declines when North Korea stages military provocations because foreign investors regard South Korean markets as unstable. Sang-Hun continues that “markets hate risk, even if it is just the perception of risk,” and reducing that risk by de-escalating the conflict would attract vastly more foreign direct investment.

The Sunshine Policy did more than just contribute to the economic development of the peninsula; it had concrete social effects on North Korea. The efforts to integrate the two economies led to cultural exchange between the two Koreas. Nathan Park of Foreign Policy finds that during the period from 1998 to 2008, when the Sunshine Policy was at its peak, nearly two million South Korean tourists visited Mount Kumgang in North Korea, and an additional 100,000 visited the historical district in the city of Kaesong. This largely un-

precedented cultural exchange spurred dialogue and cooperation between the Koreas. Park continues that the two nations’ leaders permitted and even coordinated regular, twice-yearly meetings of families separated between North and South Korea, reuniting those tragically torn apart by the Korean War. This cooperation, in turn, thawed military and diplomatic relations. For the first time since the Korean War, South Korean airlines flew over North Korean airspace without the fear of attack.

Kim Jong Il, the North Korean leader, had in-person meetings with both Kim Dae-jung and Roh Moo-hyun, the two South Korean presidents who initiated and facilitated the Sunshine Policy.

These have been the only South Korean heads of state ever to meet with a North Korean leader.

Alex Lin / The Spectator

Most importantly, according to Evans Revere of the Brookings Institute, the 2005-2007 summits with North Korea resulted in measured concessions to halt, freeze, and dismantle North Korea’s nuclear program.

As the South Korean president attempts to revive the Sunshine Policy, many critics point to its demise in 2009 as evidence of its failure and proof that only South Korean military superiority will force the North to cooperate. After the 2009 North Korean

nuclear test, the relationship between Seoul and Pyongyang was again strained. However, the policy did not end because of North Korean nuclear proliferation. Joel Wit of the Brookings Institution argues that the biggest threat to the Sunshine Policy was U.S. intervention and efforts to reinforce South Korean President Kim’s policy by making it harsher and more militant. This interference pushed North Korea into a defensive position, forcing it to remilitarize.

At the Olympics, 10 years later, the U.S. has not learned its lesson and is still interfering in South and North Korean relations. In a move sure to provoke Pyongyang, Vice President Mike Pence brought the father of the late Otto Warmbier (an American student who was jailed and tortured in North Korea after attempting to steal a propaganda poster) to the Opening Cere m o n y.

As South Korea delayed military exercises during the Olympics, President Trump announced harsh new sanctions against North Korea. Hours before the opening ceremonies, a spokesman from the North’s Foreign Ministry described the sanctions as an act of war, and the North staged a massive military parade to showcase its 5,000 combat tanks and 20 attack helicopters.

While Americans are legitimately concerned with North Korea’s continuing development of long-range ballistic missiles capable of striking the United States, and the denuclearization of the North Korean regime is a worthy goal, if the U.S. wants a peaceful North Korea, it should

support Moon’s revival of sunshine diplomacy rather than attempting to assert U.S. military dominance in the region. The first move by President Trump should be to signal his willingness to remove the 28,500 American troops in South Korea that do little more than conduct military drills. Trump should let President Moon know that the U.S. would also consider removing THAAD, a U.S. anti-missile system stationed in northern South Korea, to send the message that the U.S. favors a peaceful resolution to the conflict. Only then will Moon be truly free to conduct his sunshine diplomacy and once again thaw relations with the North.

The implementation of the Sunshine Policy need not cast a blind eye on the truly repressive character of the North Korean dictatorship. In the long term, however, introducing North Koreans to South Korea’s culture and economic dynamism through tourism and development projects will give them a taste of the benefits of South Korea’s prosperous Western-style democracy and enable them to see beyond Kim’s heavy propaganda and media censorship. Ultimately, this will create pressure from within on the North Korean regime to loosen the shackles of oppression, in much the same way that Eastern European governments were forced to liberalize in the later part of the 20th century. U.S. military intervention and provocation only pushes Kim into a defensive position in which he feels militarizing is his only way of gaining international diplomatic clout. But if Moon is able to cast a little bit of sunshine on the North, in time, North Koreans may warm to the advantages of a free and peaceful North Korea.

The Spectator ● March 29, 2018

Page 9

Opinions The Importance of TPS

By Bryan Monge Serrano

Joyce Liao / The Spectator

On my ventures to Ilobasco in El Salvador, I observed a rather disturbing change in many cities and communities. Many of the vibrant cities I first saw when I was seven, such as Ilobasco, have become closed societies in which the common trust has been lost.

I had to be much more cautious during my second time in El Salvador than during my first visit; my parents reminded me to be careful with my choice of words and what I took out in public and chose to wear.

The color red that I loved when I was a child, which to me represents American patriotism, is now a gang symbol that put a target on my back. Anything that was too “American” or that indicated wealth had a negative connotation in the minds of the gang members. I felt that Ilobasco had turned into a city of uncertainty.

Temporary Protected Status for Salvadorans ended on January 8. The USCIS notes that a country may be designated Temporary Protected Status due to temporary conditions in the country, like ongoing armed conflict. The program has allowed people from various countries to move to America temporarily under the circumstance that the nationals are unable to return safely.

The Trump administration’s decision to end this program will be extremely detrimental to Salvadoran immigrants living in America. In the wake of the gang violence crisis which arose in 1992 after the end of the Salvadoran Civil War, many Salvadorans who immigrated to America don’t feel safe returning to El Salvador and live in fear after witnessing and hearing of the

deaths of various family members and friends.

The decision to end TPS was misguided since sending a large influx of people to El Salvador with no place to stay and without knowledge of the native language would be a death trap in violence-ridden areas. The federal government even acknowledges these dangers; it issued a travel warning to Americans traveling to El Salvador.

For context, El Salvador was named the murder capital of the world by USA Today in 2016 due to a 70 percent increase in murders since 2014, with a homicide rate of 104 people per 100,000, according to the World Bank. The dangerous situation in El Salvador brings the ethics of the decision into question. This is due to Trump showing a liking toward Caucasians and stating that he would welcome citizens of Norway into the U.S., but is kicking out people with dangerous situations in their homeland. This shows that he cares more about race than helping those in need.

According to Norwegian politician Gina Barstad, the remarks made by the U.S. president show his “lack of understanding about the conditions in other countries, both in Haiti and in Norway.” The remarks made by Trump when discussing Norway seem to be praises of the country and subtle jabs to get citizens of Norway to come to the U.S., but his attempt has been futile.

According to NBC News, many Norwegian citizens are quoted explicitly saying they would not move out of their country, with some even going as far as to say that it is due to Trump being in power.

The end of TPS for Salvadorans has affected my family and

friends. Many are worried about how they would survive if they get sent back and if their hometowns are safe enough to return to. Many adults in this situation are conflicted about whether they should leave their children in America, as it would be the best bet for a better life, or if they should take their children with them so they can watch them

grow up and make sure they are safe and well cared for.

However, the majority of the members of my family who were born in El Salvador were fortunate enough to have gotten a green card under a policy enacted by the Reagan Administration and are now stepping up to try to obtain citizenship, as they see it as the only way to have a future

in this country. This is not the case for many of the other Salvadorans who did not have this opportunity and now have to watch as their families are torn apart and sent away as if they are insignificant and have not earned the human right of protection from violence.

Catherine Yu / The Spectator

The Dilemma of Diversity

By Darius Jankauskas Black students make up approximately a quarter of NYC students but only represent a fraction of a percent of Stuyvesant’s student body. Hispanics are similarly underrepresented in the status quo, making up a paltry two percent of Stuyvesant’s student body despite representing half of the overall NYC student body.

The negative effects racial filtering has on Blacks and Hispanics are clear: schools dominated

by Whites and Asians have graduation rates a full ten percent higher than those dominated by Blacks and Hispanics, demonstrating a startling achievement gap. The detriment to Whites and Asians is less obvious, with Whites and Asians often viewing affirmative action programs as harming academic achievement.

However, greater racial integration in NYC schools would ben-

efit every student by increasing cultural and racial awareness necessary in modern workplaces.

For the first time since the founding of America, a majority of its K-12 public school students are minorities. The effects of this demographic shift will be lasting, meaning that both the workforce and overall U.S. population will no longer be dominated by Whites. Therefore, it is becoming increasingly important that students are exposed to and develop healthy attitudes towards other races to facilitate their working and living together. In one survey of hundreds of major corporations, 96 percent of the surveyed businesses stated that being “comfortable working with colleagues, customers, and/ or clients from diverse cultural backgrounds” was necessary for a job.

Racial integration offers the antidote to racism and poor cultural understanding that can fester in schools without diversity.

In a study of students in Louisville, Kentucky, over 83 percent of Black graduates believed that their racially integrated schools were necessary for later success, and 77 percent of their White counterparts agreed. Stuyvesant is currently the polar opposite of diverse, potentially hurting Stuyvesant students in the eyes of employers looking for racial acceptance.

For critics of Stuyvesant’s low racial diversity, its admissions process is a lightning rod for criticism, and understandably so.

Only one test, the SHSAT, is used to determine the fate of each and

every applicant, not taking into consideration a myriad of factors such as grades, achievements, and economic struggles which activists believe might help the cases of minority students who cannot afford test preparation.

While these suggested answers are easy ones, they are not the correct ones. A study published

by NYU’s Research Alliance for New York City Schools suggests that the current admissions criteria are not the root cause of unequal racial representation in specialized high schools such as Stuyvesant.

In fact, the study found that taking into account criteria such as grades and attendance would have a minimal or even negative effect on racial diversity. And while Blacks and Hispanics of equal academic achievement to their White and Asian counterparts were found to be around seven percent less likely to receive admission offers, only the policy of admitting the top performers of each New York City middle school into Stuyvesant was found to have a significant impact in increasing racial inclusivity. However, such a policy would lower Stuyvesant’s overall level of academic achievement because students in highly competitive middle schools would lose out to similarly performing students in less competitive schools. The minimal effect of most so-called reforms to Stuyvesant’s admission policy indicate that the issue is not with admissions, but rather with a deeper flaw in the NYC school system.

This systemic issue quickly reveals itself when comparing

test data with racial demographics. On both the 2016 eighth grade English and math state tests, underrepresented minority groups scored an average of almost 30 percentage points lower than Whites and Asians. This gap starts early—Blacks and Hispanics in third grade already receive lower scores on their state tests than Whites and Asians. Stuyvesant’s woefully skewed racial demographics reveal themselves to be not a flaw with admissions, but a reflection of broader social and economic issues that have left Blacks and Hispanics lagging behind their peers.

Racial disparities begin in elementary school, with The New York Times reporting that 53 percent of schools are at least 80 percent Black or Hispanic. With Black and Hispanic-dominated neighborhoods tending to be poorer, zoned schools within them tend to be less funded as well. This de facto segregation continues in middle school, where the rate of heavily black and hispanic schools increases to 61 percent. And as a study by the Center for New York Affairs found, the top 45 middle schools in New York City accounted for 60 percent of specialized high school students; the vast majority of these schools were dominated by Whites and Asians.

However, socioeconomic discrepancies are not enough to explain the wide racial disparities exhibited by our school system.

Percentage-wise, more Asian families are considered under the poverty level than Blacks or Hispanic ones; nonetheless, they dominate specialized high

schools, possibly due to greater emphasis on education. The exact reasons why Black and Hispanic students lag behind their White and Asian peers so heavily are still unclear, although the historic segregation, discrimination and police brutality faced mostly

by Blacks and Hispanics likely plays a major role. However, until the underlying racial gap is bridged, Stuyvesant will remain impoverished of diversity.

Unfortunately, there is no simple solution for bringing equality to a school system that has seen segregation in one form or another for decades. As Mayor Bill de Blasio stated, “We cannot change the basic reality of housing in New York City.” However, the first step to solving this gross injustice that harms both disadvantaged and specialized high school students is to recognize its existence rather than obscure it by blaming specialized high schools’ admissions process.

The second is to increase community outreach within disadvantaged communities and inform parents of the value of getting involved in their children’s education. Currently, disadvantaged school districts often lack resources like counselors that inform parents and students of opportunities such as the SHSAT and supplementary test preparation programs like SHSI. Only by increasing awareness of these programs can disadvantaged students hope to get into desegregated schools that offer escape from an endless cycle of poverty.

We can no longer tolerate a system that leaves the majority of our students behind.

The Spectator ● March 29, 2018

Page 10

Opinions Juulry Design Now Offered Periods 1-10

By THE OPINIONS DEPARTMENT Throughout the last few decades, society has changed. The school system has changed. Fashion has changed. Generations of students have come and gone. Along with everything else, substance usage among students has changed. Once-popular substances such as tobacco have suffered a dip in popularity as a result of increased awareness of the health risks they pose. In their place have come new drugs, pills, and recreational substances. It’s no secret that at Stuyvesant, marijuana and alcohol in particular are relatively widely used by the student body. However, the most recent and perhaps most widespread new method of recreation via substance abuse is vaping, the usage of an electronic “cigarette” that replaces tobacco with flavored juice. In this spread, members of the Opinions department reflect on the Juuling epidemic at Stuyvesant.

Lumi Westerlund/ The Spectator

Vaping: A Necessary Poison

By Hristo Karastoyanov I remember being told the following anecdote by one of my teachers: Stuyvesant students used to line up on the wall under the bridge to smoke cigarettes a decade or so ago. He noted that this seems to rarely happen anymore. While a sizeable portion of Stuyvesant students still smoke tobacco, the cancer-causing plant’s presence on Stuyvesant’s school grounds is not nearly as prominent as my teacher’s story describes it as having been. This is a change that cannot be solely attributed to the decreasing fashionability of smoking, and all evidence points toward vaping as being the main reducer of smoking rates among teenagers. In fact, between 2011 and 2015, a 15 percent increase in students who use vapes such as Juuls has been accompanied by a 5 percent drop in smoking rates.

Still, vaping is not a healthy hobby by any means. Though there hasn’t been any definitive or long-term research on its effects on the respiratory system, vape juice such as the one found in Juuls, the most common of the vapes used at Stuyvesant, contains nicotine, the same toxic and addictive ingredient that also defines cigarettes. While not enough testing has been done on the effects of vaping on the human body to fully determine its potential drawbacks, vape juice doesn’t

produce tar, which is highly carcinogenic, and does not include any ingredients that are proven carcinogens. A study at the University of St. Andrews in Scotland found that vaping is up to 99 percent less carcinogenic than smoking, similar to nicotine patches and gum.

But because nicotine is one of the most low-level and culturally ingrained substances, it is only logical that most students should use it at some point. From that perspective, it’s much better that students consume it in the form of relatively innocuous vapor than soot their lungs with tar and countless other carcinogens.

It’s a matter of which poison is less harmful.

And while smoking affects those around the user, not only in leaving its pungent stench on

them but in lingering and causing lung damage in others in the form of secondhand smoke, Juul vapor simply dissolves into the air seconds after usage, not leaving any noticeable signs of its usage. It doesn’t take a strong imagination to picture what the bathrooms would smell like if people opted to smoke cigarettes in them instead.

Although the school has some legal obligation to prevent vaping on its property, aggressively pursuing offenders and busting into school bathrooms like DEA agents out of a low-budget crime film is counterproductive and defies common sense, which dictates that it’s better to settle for harm reduction in the form of Juuling, as opposed to its malicious, emphysemic, yellow-toothed cousin, the cigarette.

It’s much better that students consume [nicotine] in the form of relatively innocuous vapor than soot their lungs with tar and countless other carcinogens.

Cleaning the Air in Stuyvesant’s Bathrooms

By Claire Shin Stuyvesant is full of some of the most intelligent students in New York City, or so many outsiders say. In actuality, though, Stuyvesant is not very different from your average high school: it has the entire package of drugs, alcohol, sex, and recently, vaping, the most popular mode of which is Juuling.

Juuling is smoking water vapor mixed with the dangerously addictive substance nicotine, which is found in cigarettes, and aromatic flavors. Juuls function by insertion of a pod filled with liquid and nicotine and charging the device so it has the energy to vaporize the toxic liquid. A Juul pod has about as much nicotine as an entire pack of cigarettes, and Juuls were made to help people who already smoke quit, not teenagers.

The way the Juul is built is incredibly discreet. It resembles a USB disk and can even be connected to a laptop to be charged. It doesn’t even reach the ends of the user’s palm.

Thus, it’s nearly impossible for teachers to find students’ Juuls or catch them when they Juul in class, despite the noticeable vapor. If taking out one’s phone in class is a heinous crime to many teachers, one can only wonder what Juuling in class would be.

There isn’t much legislation that addresses Juuling, besides laws that set a minimum age of 21 to buy Juuls. These laws are easily circumvented by using prepaid debit cards and lying about one’s age online.

Likewise, Stuyvesant doesn’t seem to be very successful in dealing with the threat, either; the most that the staff can do is confiscate Juuls from people who dare to do it near authority in plain view. There’s not much administrators can do, either, unless they decide to burst into student bathrooms (a major invasion of privacy).

The authorities on any level of government, however, can’t take all the blame, because of the sheer novelty of Juuls.

They were released, according to Techcrunch, roughly three years ago. The Juul has only recently become popular and so the government hasn’t taken time to analyze the situation and address it.

Despite the difficulty of regulating Juuls, a key part of keeping kids from caving in is education. Most students start Juuling with the mentality of “it’s healthy smoking, and everyone else is doing it, so why not?” The fact is that Juuls are the most addictive vaping devices on the market, and the high amounts of nicotine in these devices could get people started on a downwards spiral of actual cigarettes and other drugs, not to mention make them far more susceptible to mental illness. If students knew that before they started, then we would almost certainly have clearer air in the Hudson staircase.

This necessitates a health class curriculum that involves teaching students about the dangers of vaping and Juuling. Health class should focus less on the dangers of cigarette smoking and unprotected sex and more on the dangers of Juuling, which is relevant in Stuyvesant and high schools across the country. Specifically, these classes would educate students on the harms of the nicotine levels found in Juul pods, what Juuls look like, how they function, and how they hurt people around the user. Teaching and spreading the word helped to drastically reduce the popularity of cigarettes and the same can be done with Juuling.

Juuls are a classic example of what happens when the wrong items end up in the wrong person’s hands. It’s infinitely crucial for us students to understand that “new” doesn’t necessarily mean “good.”

Shuhong Jiang / The Spectator

Another Addiction to Add on to the Miscellaneous Crimes of Humans?

By Anne Rhee Resembling a flash drive, a Juul seems almost harmless to

the naked eye, yet can possibly start another rebellion against human-made substances. Juuling is one of the newer addictive habits that is found among other long-standing cases of substance abuse, such as marijuana and drinking alcohol. In the case of addiction, only the most extreme cases have been brought to light or reported to the media, and this is why we tend to criminalize all addictions and substance habits.

However, what sets Juuling apart from other types of substance abuse is that it is relatively new. In fact, not enough research has been done on its effects and what people can do to either prevent the practice of Juuling (if it is harmful), or to prevent its effects.This means

that one shouldn’t be so quick to jump to conclusions by instantly formulating an opinion based on stereotypes set by historical precedents.

One such historical case is DDT. Though DDT isn’t a drug, it is a man-made substance that was highly used by farmers to protect their crops from insects.

However, government research found that DDT did have dangerous effects on health, such as a higher risk of cancer. Yet, government action was only taken after “Silent Spring” was published by environmentalist Rachel Carson.

The novel criticized the effects of DDT, but even though farmers and politicians strove to denounce the novel, it sparked the interest and eventual research of the pesticide. Since no one has

actually criticized Juuling, this is probably why no institutions or people have taken initiative to begin research on Juuling, and the e-cigarette has stayed intact in terms of credibility.

Like other addictions, Juuling remains popular among high school students, especially Stuyvesant students, as it is not as criminalized or stigmatized as other drugs or methods of smoking are. However, this is no excuse for one to continue to rely on these habits all the time.

In fact, people who Juul usually end up switching to other drugs, such as cigarettes or weed, to displace their addiction.

Juuling may be the gateway to even more disastrous substances being made, but it may also be the starting point

where we can learn more about our own behavior and how we are affected by these drugs that create new habits. The role our brain plays in human addiction still remains a relatively underresearched topic, and analyzing our attraction to Juuling will further allow us to understand our own behavior. Juuls were made so customers wouldn’t smoke cigarettes anymore, but we can research. It is important to note here, though, that we often think of drug overdoses or addictions as statistics, and we must consider each person, as each addiction case is unique. In some lives, drugs may play a largely significant role in decision-making, as they are relied upon so much, but in others, it may simply remain a trivial pastime.

The Spectator ● March 29, 2018

Page 11

Opinions Juulry Design Now Offered Periods 1-10 I Can See The New York Post Headline Already

Mayumi Gurung / The Spectator

What Really Are These Long USB Keys?

By Julian Giordano

because it’s their lives and they have the right to say what they want to do with their lives even though it’s bad.”

Despite Juuls being illegal for students to access, this student brings up the important point that no matter what adults say or do, kids will Juul if they want to. Perhaps a better angle for the school to confront Juuling from is by teaching students about Juuling in health classes or guidance sessions. These lessons would be centered around understanding what a Juul is and the direct consequences of using it. The curriculum could extend to cover other illicit substances (such as marijuana and alcohol) as well, and could focus on student-selected topics. If students learned about Juuling and its pros and cons, they would be be able to make better, more informed decisions about whether or not to Juul, and might not be as susceptible to peer pressure the next time they have the opportunity to Juul.

It must be acknowledged that the school can’t monitor every moment of its students’ lives, and at a certain point it becomes better to teach them about Juuling then to waste resources trying to punish them for it. This doesn’t mean Juuling should be allowed in schools—it shouldn’t—but there are better ways of preventing its use than simply disciplinary action.

By Raniyan Zaman “Shocker: Stuyvesant Teenagers Are Actually, in fact, just Teenagers.” Or maybe: “Elitist Brats Who Scored over 550 on the SHSAT Are Too Scared by Cigarette Commercials But Still Want To Pretend To Be Cool.” So many options! But I won’t steal the Post’s moment of glory away from them.

Peter Jin / The Spectator

Within the first few months spent at Stuyvesant, incoming students will quickly notice the large number of their peers who Juul in the hallways, bathrooms, and outside of school. Those who Juul will say they use it as a mechanism for coping with anxiety, a stress reliever, and as an alternative to cigarettes or drugs such as marijuana.

The cheap cost, easy concealment, and exotic flavors make the Juul even more addictive to students. It is illegal for people under 21 to buy a Juul, and more importantly, it has been shown to be damaging to the health of its users. An NYU study on lab

mice found that extended exposure to nicotine vapor can lead to DNA damage and increased risk of cancer and heart disease. Even if the Juul was legal for students to buy, the health problems and the possibility of addiction it would create would only be slightly less worse than cigarettes. While the Juul may act as a temporary solution for smokers attempting to quit their addiction, it simply isn’t necessary for high school students trying to have a little fun.

One of the problems with Juul and other drugs, cigarettes, and e-cigarettes is the way school personnel and administration deal with their use in school. If the administration is lenient, it encourages increased Juuling, but if the administration is strict, it makes Juuling a more coveted and delinquent act for students to perform. Finding a bridge between enforcing a noJuuling policy and persuading students to stop Juuling is hard to do, but it is possible.

Currently, Stuyvesant doesn’t allow students to Juul, and will use disciplinary action to enforce this rule. Nonetheless, many students that are caught Juuling will continue to do it.

In response to a question on a survey conducted by The Spectator about whether students should be allowed to Juul, one anonymous Stuyvesant student said, “Students should use juuls

With Regard to a Recent Mistake From the editors:

In The Spectator’s coverage of SING! 2018, our highlights included a “Cringiest Moments” category. One of the listed moments was “The Kiss—Seniors.” No context or explanation was included. In reflection, we realize that without the context of what went into that decision, our inclusion of this moment in the list came off as homophobic.

This was not at all what we meant to convey in our inclusion of the Kiss in this category. Senior SING!’s kiss between characters Philip and Alexander was notably the first kiss between two men in SING! history. The Spec-

tator’s editorial board applauds this step forward. Our criticism of the kiss was not of its homosexuality, but of a more petty nature—that they did not just kiss, but that they made out. Our complaint was about the PDA, not the genders of the participants. It didn’t occur to us, however obvious it may have been, that it was going to be construed as homophobic.

In hindsight, we were shortsighted to include this in the category, and picky and negative to include the category at all. The exclusion of context made this even worse.

We will not be including this category in the future.

As “The Pulse of the Student Body,” The Spectator aims to represent the experiences of the entire populace.

We have a history of LGBTQ+ coverage—one that we wish to continue.

The Spectator’s mistakes are often glaringly obvious to our readership, but in the rush to send the paper to the printer at four in the morning, we overlook things. We appreciate and look forward to our readers’ input on our coverage of this issue and all others, and we hope that you will stay with us through mistakes like these.

Elena Sapelyuk / The Spectator

Scanning for Safety

By Angela Wong One of the world’s deadliest school massacres occurred last month in Parkland, Florida, at Stoneman Douglas High School.

In response, students and schools across the country are implementing various safety and security measures, from increasing the number of yearly lockdown practices to arming teachers to purchasing bulletproof backpacks. Yet these measures will only help prepare students to survive the worst-case scenarios; they will not prevent violent shootings from occurring in the first place.

Unfortunately, school violence is on the rise, with 306 shootings having occurred in schools over the past five years, according to a report by Everytown for Gun Safety. Additionally, the New York Police Department reported a 35 percent increase in school weapons arrests this year, with around 700 weapons found in New York schools without metal detectors. Some of these weapons included razor blades, daggers, revolvers, cleavers, and knives.

Schools can strive to provide safety for students by installing metal detectors at their entrances. According to the Department of Education and the Secret Service, 95 percent of attackers perpetrating school shootings are current students in the school.

With scanners in place, students would not be allowed to bring dangerous instruments inside the school that could potentially harm or kill others. Metal detectors are very accurate and can detect most types of firearms and knives. These detectors are best at picking up metals with heavier masses, so a few coins would not be enough to set off an alarm.

Metal detectors have already been installed in many public places that attract large groups of people, such as churches and amusement parks. Detectors are now a common form of technol-

ogy and are seen as helpful, not threatening or invasive, safety features. Public schools should also be held to the same standards. Stuyvesant has over 3,000 students coming in every morning. Though only 91 schools in New York City currently have scanners, NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio is aiming to install detectors in every school.

Following the Parkland school massacre, de Blasio plans to have temporary metal detectors that occasionally scan selected students. He also supports the right of school officials to request the removal of scanners if their school has a low crime rate.

Instead of dragging portable detectors into our second floor entrance every now and then, detectors should have their permanent spot in as many schools as possible. New York school officials have already found hundreds of weapons in the backpacks of students with the help of metal detectors. These weapons should not have been inside schools, and with metal detectors, the students carrying them would be caught before any incidents occur.

Metal detectors also need to be in working condition every day to best prevent weapons from entering the building. In George Washington High School in New York, for example, a student

stabbed his bully 16 times with a steak knife. City Councilman Ydanis Rodriguez revealed that the incident occurred because “many [of the school’s metal detectors] are so old that they are not working properly.” It is not enough to place metal detectors in every school; school officials must make sure that they are working and being utilized correctly in order to prevent school violence.

Additionally, for metal detectors to work effectively, every student should have to walk through metal detectors, not just a select few. Black and Hispanic students are three times more likely to be scanned than white students.

By requiring every student to walk through detectors, students would not feel discriminated. In Stuyvesant, for example, all students should walk through a detector after swiping into school on the second floor entrance.

Having approximately a third of Stuyvesant students come to school during first period, another third during second, and another third during third may help shorten the long lines of students waiting to be scanned.

Students who have been bullied are twice as likely to bring weapons to school than other students, according to a U.S. study. In the case that a student is found in the possession of a

less dangerous weapon, security guards working the metal detectors should confiscate it and inform the student’s parents or guardians about the situation.

Students bringing in such weapons should also be recommended to programs that can help them communicate and work through the problems or events, such as bullying, with adults to learn how they can cope with or fix their problems. However, security guards should call the police when students bring more dangerous weapons, like guns, to school.

Regarding the Florida school shooting in February, the shooter would have needed to arrive at the front entrance prepared to shoot instead of taking his time in a staircase to load his gun. Entering the school would have set off the alarms of the detectors and would have given him less time to move around the school and cause as many injuries because the security guards would already be aware of the shooter’s presence inside the building.

Every school should do its best to guarantee the safety of its students. Metal detectors, as safety features, can help to ensure a school environment free of weapons. Their widespread implementation in public schools is long overdue.

Page 12

The Spectator ● March 29, 2018

Opinions

By Darius Jankauskas A pedestrian bridge in Miami collapsed on March 15, less than a week after its construction. At least six people were killed. Investigators are currently unsure why the bridge collapsed, though engineers noticed cracks in the bridge just days before. Despite this, they decided the bridge was structurally sound and allowed it to stay open, to tragic effect.

Politicians around the country are making the same mistake of writing off crumbling infrastructure as good enough, putting American lives and the American economy at risk.

The United States’ infrastructure, from roads to railroads to airports, forms the backbone of the American economy, allowing goods and people to circulate across the country quickly and efficiently. Interstate highways carry 75 percent of longdistance freighter vehicles, which haul goods from ports to cities and back. According to Towson University’s Regional Economic Studies Institute, railroads support over 1.5 million jobs and generate nearly $274 billion in economic activity, and airports inject over $300 billion into the economy from tourism alone.

However, failing infrastructure is constricting this flow, with decades of financial neglect piling up. Highways and bridges, which are on average over 27 years old, are falling apart, with the Federal Highway Administration finding that almost a quarter are insufficient for today’s traffic or are structurally deficient, needing maintenance or recon-

struction. The average commuter now sits in 42 hours of traffic a year, up from 20 hours in 1984.

American railroads have been beset by delays and derailments due to inadequate maintenance and lagging implementation of new safety mechanisms designed to limit dangerous train speeds.

And according to Roger J. Dow, president of the U.S. Travel Association, airports are struggling to accommodate an ever-growing number of passengers, with airports projected to carry the equivalent of Thanksgiving-day traffic three times a week within the next 15 years.

Negligence of our infrastructure is coming at a time when China, our main economic rival, is strengthening its own. China has embarked on a mission to urbanize its population, and has made building new bridges, subways, high-speed rail networks, and other massive infrastructure projects designed to bring China together a national priority. And this investment is only increasing, with China expected to spend 12 percent more on infrastructure investment in 2018 than in 2017, as reported by Bloomberg.

Moreover, China’s infrastructure push isn’t merely internal; it is promoting infrastructure development in developing countries with its “One Belt, One Road” initiative. This one-trillion-dollar push is aiming to improve transportation infrastructure across Asia, infrastructure that will connect countries such as Pakistan and India to China. In doing so, China not only gains the benefit of new countries to directly trade with, but also builds diplomatic relationships with them. The One

Belt initiative shows that Chinese politicians understand the immense value of infrastructure, an understanding their American counterparts lack.

American politicians once understood the strategic value of infrastructure. After World War II, President Eisenhower set off an economic and cultural revolution with the passage of the Federal Aid Highway Act of 1956. Under the premise that a national highway system would provide for the rapid transport of troops in case of a mainland invasion, Eisenhower was able to convince Congress to invest hundreds of billions of dollars into that system’s construction. Those very same interstates now crumble under the neglect of newer generations.

Despite the pressure on our infrastructure, the political will for potentially spending trillions on rebuilding is tepid at best. Infrastructure spending has been a talking point of populist politicians Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders, who rightfully argue that such investment would create jobs and grow the economy.

But while President Trump has advanced his own trillion-dollar infrastructure plan, its emphasis on state funding and private involvement in infrastructure projects makes it a political nonstarter to state politicians that rely on mostly federal money to fund them. Additionally, his insistence on building a wall across the U.S.-Mexico border, a proposal which would cost billions while offering little in the way of economic growth, distracts from less grandiose but much more practical infrastructure improve-

ments. Infrastructure simply isn’t a priority for politicians, leaving little incentive for bipartisan compromise on the issue.

The deeper problem, however, is American politicians’ unwillingness to fund long-term infrastructure maintenance. Ideally, maintaining existing infrastructure is vastly cheaper than allowing it to deteriorate to the point where it needs replacing. As William Reinhardt, editor of Public Works Financing found, every dollar spent on maintaining a road prevents spending $6 to $14 replacing that same road down the line. Unfortunately, maintenance doesn’t re-elect politicians.

Instead, they turn to flashy infrastructure projects that generate media attention while neglecting existing infrastructure.

This effect is visible right at home. Andrew Cuomo, the governor of New York, pushed the construction of the MTA Second Avenue line subway extension.

The relatively short three-stop extension cost a whopping $6 billion, vastly overrunning its budget and opening without the necessary safety checks completed.

Despite these deficiencies in the project, Cuomo enjoyed weeks of positive media coverage. Meanwhile, maintenance spending has nearly stayed flat at a time when the subway is plagued with delays and equipment breakdowns.

And while lack of maintenance funding has begun to be reported by the media, responsible maintenance remains elusive.

If the United States is to keep its competitive edge worldwide, it needs to revitalize its infrastructure with a two-pronged approach. The first step is to dra-

matically increase funding to tear down and replace roads littered with potholes, rusting bridges, outdated rail lines, and overflowing airports with modern replacements better suited for the present and future. Such a push would create economic growth, both from the construction jobs created and the decreased time wasted in clogged roads and highways. Raising the federal gas tax, which has remained unchanged since 1993, would offer a source of funding for revitalizing infrastructure.

The second step is solidifying these gains by ensuring the long term maintenance of infrastructure built in this construction blitz. The city of Mobile, Alabama, offers a blueprint.

The city allocated millions to tackle a backlog of maintenance issues, ensuring that fixable problems wouldn’t become permanent. More importantly, city officials involved local communities in the planning processes for maintenance projects. This both helped prioritize important maintenance projects and, crucially, increase awareness of maintenance among voters. Mobile even created a website in order to explain the importance of maintenance, elevating a onceinvisible task to one residents were aware of. By promoting infrastructure maintenance as an important investment into the community, Mobile was able to ensure that politicians could not and would not cut maintenance funding. By educating American voters on the value of preserving infrastructure, we can preserve the base of our economy for today and generations to come.

Alex Lin / The Spectator

Catherine Yu / The Spectator

Build Bridges, Not Walls

Klaire Geller / The Spectator

We are over yours.

The Spectator ● March 29,2018

Page 13

Arts and Entertainment Thinkpiece

Is it Problematic for Women in Music to Produce Sexually Explicit Content?

Women in music can do what they want, Women in music can do what they want, even if it’s sexy even if it’s sexy

By Eliana Kavouriadis Sexually suggestive and explicit content has been topping the charts and propelling musicians to stardom since the days of Madonna’s postmodern sexual liberation in the ‘80s. Madonna is often credited with having invented the image of the modern pop star in all of her glory and obscenity. Hundreds of influential female pop stars, from Beyoncé to Britney, JLo, and Shakira, have cited her as an inspiration. And just as Madonna’s content was a subject of heated controversy, music videos like Nicki Minaj’s “Anaconda” and Miley Cyrus’s “Wrecking Ball” have received worldwide fame—and shame— for their overt sexuality.

And so the debate continues: Should the lap dance, the lacy thong, and the bare nipple be celebrated or scorned? Is

ment backlash for normalizing and glorifying sexual assault and rape.

The problem of the objectification of women in the music industry lies solely with men and the choices made by men on what to do with women’s bodies. If a woman is willingly using her sexuality to brand her public image, she is not objectifying herself, because she is taking full ownership of her sexuality, as male musicians often do.

Rap artists like Kendrick Lamar, Kanye West, Snoop Dogg, Drake, and Chance the Rapper frequently produce music with sexually explicit subject material. How come only female rap artists like Nicki Minaj receive backlash for such practices? In Minaj’s “Anaconda” music video, revealing clothes and racy dance moves have led many to compare the video to softcore porn, but no similar com-

To condemn a woman’s work for being sexually explicit is to infringe on her artistic freedom. parisons are drawn to male-led music videos featuring shirtless men grinding against women. The showcasing of male sexuality is not only prevalent among rap musicians but even among pop artists like Justin Bieber, who routinely pose shirtless and sing about sex.

By being in control of their decisions regarding their image, women are showing the world that their bodies and artistic images belong to them. This is not only empowering to artists, but also to their spheres of influence, because it reinforces the message that a woman should embrace her sexual identity and have full control over what she does with it.

In the age of the #MeToo movement, there is a worldwide conversation surrounding the misogyny that rests at the foundation of the entertainment industry. To combat figures like Harvey Weinstein and Dr. Luke who use their positions of power to exploit and abuse female sexuality, we cannot resort to creating desexualized art in hiding and in fear of the patriarchy.

A problem is solved by confronting its source, not by evading it. If we continue to hide our sexuality in fear of men objectifying us, the entertainment industry will continue to objectify women as it always has. We must take ownership of own sexual appeal and artistic license, as the #MeToo movement has inspired many women to do by speaking about sexual assault. By making the choice to profit off of our sexuality, we show that we are in full control of the art we create and the way we present ourselves to the world.

People create art as a means of self-expression, spreading ideas, and challenging cultural and societal norms. Human sexuality is not an obstacle to the creative process, but an aspect of human nature that has been used to create iconic, influential pieces since prehistory.

Not every song and music video has to be catered towards children or people who find racy content uncomfortable.

Women should be able to create content that empowers women of future generations to, as Madonna would say, rebel against old-fashioned values.

Instead of erasing this integral part of our culture or worse yet, only supporting music showcasing male sexuality, we should reclaim it. We should celebrate the hundreds of feminist cultural icons the music industry has produced since Madonna and support the work of any woman who aspires to follow in their footsteps.

Women in the music industry tend to integrate their bodies and their sexuality into their music. While this is not inherently bad, it turns ugly when women put their bodies on display in music videos specifically meant to sexualize women. Derogatory, sexist lyrics hone in on women’s bodies as opposed to their stories, and consumer demand for sex erases other stories altogether.

Women are fighting to have their voices heard with movements such as #MeToo and national protests such as the Women’s March and A Day Without a Woman.

However, by using their sexuality in an attempt to buy a bigger audience, women put themselves in a position to be objectified.

Because the music industry is so predominantly run by males, women, such as Nicki Minaj, can feel pressure to sell themselves as opposed to selling their music. The music video for “Anaconda,” one of the biggest hits of her career, features her dancing in next to nothing. Her latest music video, “MotorSport,” also features her body front and center in a shiny latex skinsuit and a metallic bodice that verges on X-rated.

Celebrities in music are looked up to as role models, and they should use this power to influence the younger generation. Young girls are being taught that exposing their bodies is okay just from watching music videos like Miley Cyrus’s “Wrecking Ball.”

These videos that celebrate scantily-clad women can have disastrous consequences such as a new age of art. Today, music is taken as nothing more than glorified sex, which is detrimental to the music industry as a whole because other stories will get lost in the wave of nude bodies and barely-there clothes.

Quite often, we hear stories of women in power who are using their influence for good without being labeled promiscuous.

Artists like Sia inspire young activists, and are excellent role models without flaunting

about sex should not use women’s sexuality to get more recognition.

As a young woman, I do not want to argue that it is wrong for women to have a choice in this matter. A woman’s body belongs to her and only her, and that is why I’m taking the position that using it to make money or to broadcast your music to the world is wrong. Everybody has a beautiful body, and when women are objectified, it takes away some of the stigma that nudity is private and special. This is a stigma that we shouldn’t dispel, because in order for women to reclaim their sexuality, keeping their bodies away from the predatory male gaze that these music videos seem to invite is essential.

Women need to be taken more seriously in the music industry, as well as many other workplaces, and a woman choosing to give up her body for her work is taking steps backward. At the 2018 Grammy Awards, we saw men and women wearing white roses to support the Time’s Up movement, which is dedicated to supporting those who have experienced sexual harassment, assault, or abuse in the workplace.

Though this is a sign of unity and a step in the right direction towards equality in the workplace, the Grammys as a whole this year were lacking in female winners.

The response from the Recording Academy president was that women need to step up when it comes to being creative and writing music. When 90.7 percent of nominees between 2013 and 2018 have been male, and women are blatantly disrespected by the president of the Recording Academy, it is clear that women need to stop focusing on flaunting their bodies for the camera and start creating deeper, more meaningful content.

Ed Sheeran even won a Grammy this year for his song, “Shape of You,” which directly objectifies women. Sheeran uses his words not to express admiration or love towards females and their bodies, but to basically say that he finds a woman attrac-

Glorifying a woman’s sexuality in a way that is not always appropriate is considered more creative and original than four honest accounts of life. their bodies. However, in today’s society, there are women who use their bodies and their sexuality strictly for making money.

While women do have the capability to make their own decisions about their bodies, the women who use nudity and sexuality as a money-making tool are doing so not purely out of self-love, but for financial gain. This is the wrong mentality to have while producing music, as it leads to words being put to music as a background track for sexy women bending over and flashing the camera, such as in Jennifer Lopez’s “Booty” music video, as opposed to the music being the highlight of the piece. When music is about sex, it can be beautiful in its own unique way, but music that is not

tive because of her body. He beat out Kelly Clarkson, Lady Gaga, Pink, and Kesha for this award: four women who wrote about heartbreak, death, and harassment. Sheeran winning this award shows that people in the music industry do not have their priorities in order. Glorifying a woman’s sexuality in a way that is not always appropriate is considered more creative and original than four honest accounts of life.

As females, we need to take back the music industry and focus not on beating each other out for different awards, but on making our voices count. The only way to do this is to eliminate the overwhelming desire for sexuality in the music industry.

Mandy Mai / The Spectator

marketing symbols of female sexuality an act of sexual objectification or liberation?

From aborting fetuses to entering the porn industry, a woman’s actions and choices are constantly subject to heavy scrutiny, especially those surrounding their body and sexuality. Ultimately, this debate boils down to yet another argument over what a woman should and shouldn’t do.

I take what I would call a “pro-choice” stance on this issue: the idea that women in music should have the freedom to artistically express themselves however they please. To condemn a woman’s work for being sexually explicit is to infringe on her artistic freedom. It is to shut down her means of expressing herself and her ideas through her music and image.

There is a clear distinction that needs to be made between women who are pressured to market their sexuality by record label executives and women who choose to do so on their own terms. The former is objectification, while the latter is not.

If a woman is told to sell racy music for the economic benefit of a record label, the label is treating her as a commodity, or in other words, an object. With the mentality that “sex sells,” record labels often try to exploit the sex appeal of female artists.

For instance, pop star Kesha Sebert, formerly known as Ke$ha, was allegedly physically, sexually, and emotionally abused by music producer Lukasz Gottwald (Dr. Luke). Under the contract Sebert signed with Gottwald, she had given her creative license to him. With nearly complete creative control over Kesha, Gottwald singlehandedly crafted Kesha’s racy image and produced content that forced her to use her sexuality.

This practice not only restricts a woman’s artistic license, it reinforces the idea that a woman’s body does not belong to her and should be reduced to its sexual appeal. The objectification of women in songs and music videos is especially prevalent among many male artists, who use half-naked women as background dancers in their music videos and write grotesque song lyrics about women’s bodies.

In 50 Cent’s hit song “In Da Club,” sexually suggestive female dancing is the centerpiece of the music video, and women are used as props placed around 50 Cent purely for their sexual appeal.

Half-naked women are similarly used as props in the music video “Blurred Lines”

by Robin Thicke, which received vehe-

By Morgan Hesse

Page 14

The Spectator ● March 29, 2018

Arts and Entertainment Theater

By Matteo Wong “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.”

“Deru kugi wa utareru.”

The one-man show begins without warning. José de la Fuente stands in a theater aisle and recites an excerpt from the Declaration of Independence.

He proceeds to take the role of Gordon Hirabayashi and echoes the Japanese proverb repeated to him by his parents, which translates to, “The nail that sticks out gets hammered down”—conform to survive.

The opening minutes of “We Hold These Truths” establish a framework for the rest of the play: a struggle between an unwavering belief in the U.S. Constitution and the struggles faced

by Japanese-American immigrants.

Written by Jeanne Sakata in 2007, “We Hold These Truths” follows the story of Gordon Hirabayashi, a political dissident of Japanese-American internment during World War II. The play was performed in Stuyvesant’s theater on Monday, March 26, and was organized by English teacher Sophie Oberfield.

The stage is empty except for a stool with two water bottles, a stand, and de la Fuente, who does not move from center stage for nearly the entire 90 minute performance. Standing in the dim theater and illuminated by a spotlight, he uses various accents to delineate between Hirabayashi at different ages, parents, friends, and government officials.

De la Fuente delivers an emotionally powerful rendition of Hirabayashi’s adoles-

thinkpiece

By Jacqueline Thom and Andrew Ng

With the click of a button, centuries of art from around the world can be viewed, giving larger demographics of people a stronger foundation and much more widespread accessibility to the arts. Many people gain greater knowledge about art’s roots and the contextualization of cultural movements in history. Technology has also enabled art to take different forms, as new art forms like cinema, digital media, and music/video production emerge as dominant forces in the cultural sphere of society. These new mediums have revolutionized the subject matter presented in art, allowing new artists to come to light and exposing audiences to the harsh realities of society. But traditional art isn’t going anywhere; in fact, technology has helped the diffusion of traditional art as a cultural force in our lives.

Revolutionizing Accessibility

With the establishment of many artistic communities on major social media platforms such as Instagram and YouTube, the diffusion of art has become a widespread cultural phenomenon. More people from a variety of backgrounds are being exposed to the expressive

“We Hold These Truths”: Ambivalence Across Asian-America cent struggles to find a place in American society. Upon seeing his own face in that of his Japanese friend, Hirabayashi realizes he is permanently “Other,” a moment described in trembling tones. Segregated public facilities slowly build rage, and de la Fuente cries out in a desperate tone as Depression-era Seattle treats him like a “Jap.” Yet he does not despair. Hirabayashi attends the University of Washington, displays faith in his rights, and becomes an active member of the YMCA. During his studies, the Japanese attack Pearl Harbor. Deep, ominous voices play over the sound system, most of them espousing government fear of JapaneseAmerican spies. The use of prerecorded voices emanating from an invisible source, as opposed to de la Fuente acting them out, allows the audience to experience the terrifying power of the federal government over immigrant populations.

An 8 p.m. curfew is established for Japanese-Americans.

At first, Hirabayashi adheres to the Japanese proverb and conforms to the curfew. But one night, upon seeing the American flag, he has an epiphany: the race-based curfew violates his Constitutional rights. Though it allows the plot to pivot toward Hirabayashi’s belief in the Constitution, the American flag scene is cliché and somewhat stilted—Hirabayashi’s internal monologue suddenly breaks into a recitation of Constitutional amendments.

For similar reasons, Hirabayashi refuses the order for internment. A dialogue with his parents fleshes out his inner turmoil and displays a gen-

erational conflict. Hirabayashi’s parents want him to obey the internment order to prove Japanese loyalty, while he stands by his Constitutional rights as an American-born citizen; he wants to stop conforming and assert the power of JapaneseAmericans, while his mother says anything done to an Issei (first-generation Japanese immigrant to the U.S.) will also be inflicted upon a Nisei (secondgeneration Japanese-American, born in the U.S.), rendering civil disobedience pointless.

His mother is correct in that Hirabayashi is arrested, without regard to the Constitution.

Again, rather than despairing, Hirabayashi reaffirms his belief in the American legal system and challenges his arrest in court.

Sakata infuses his legal struggle with nuance: a friend plans to protest internment with him, but cannot because as an only child he needs to take care of his parents, showing how morality and motivation cannot be judged with a broad brush.

Hirabayashi’s court case is taken up by the ACLU, then abandoned because a board member supports Executive Order 9066.

While waiting for his case to be appealed, Hirabayashi spends time at a prison in Tucson, Arizona. He interacts with a Hopi Indian, who tells him that fighting for Constitutional rights is pointless. Hirabayashi, filled with hope that the Supreme Court will rule in his favor, says that even if the Constitution has systematically failed indigenous peoples, it can still be redeemed for Japanese-Americans, and that he has an obligation to try.

The play avoids the obvious

follow-up question: why should Japanese-Americans try to gain rights and acceptance within a system that is predicated on the exclusion of indigenous populations, and why do JapaneseAmerican lives outweigh those of Hopi Indians?

In an excruciating moment, Hirabayashi discovers that the Supreme Court unanimously upheld his sentence. Justice Murphy calls Japanese-American internment the “brink of Constitutional power,” which breaks Hirabayashi’s heart. A long pause on the word brink, which Hirabayashi repeats to himself, reveals his questioning of who decides where the “brink” is. The ensuing speechlessness, as opposed to Hirabayashi’s normally verbose inner monologue, provides an emotionally devastating contrast.

Yet he continues to be undaunted. Hirabayashi refuses to fill out the infamous Loyalty Questionnaire, which targeted Japanese-Americans, on the basis that the questions are discriminatory. Almost proudly, he serves another year in jail.

Hirabayashi’s resilience allows “We Hold These Truths” to end on a hopeful note: Hirabayashi reconvenes with his parents. The reunion is another bittersweet, pathos-heavy moment: both he and his parents are emaciated from internment, but express only joy at seeing each other. Soft, wavering tones make every word emotional, and Japanese exchanges add to the untranslatable, but deeply visceral and personal, effect of the play.

In cyclical fashion, Hirabayashi’s final words return to the Declaration of Indepen-

dence and Japanese proverb, with an addendum: the nail that sticks out will be hit, unless the nail is bigger than the hammer (meaning conformity is not always the answer). And in 1987, Peter Irons, an attorney, revisits his case, and Hirabayashi’s conviction is partially overturned.

De la Fuero’s brilliant performance tells a powerful, littleknown story. Yet the positive conclusion about political agency feels artificial. A white attorney vindicating Hirabayashi 40 years too late is not an instance of the Constitution working.

Moreover, the 1987 decision was purely symbolic: concurrent with Hirabayashi’s victory was a rapid increase in anti-Japanese sentiment due to the perception that Japanese companies such as Mitsubishi were threatening white labor (a striking parallel to the imprisonment of Nisei because the Japanese military was deemed a threat). Hirabayashi’s protest is procedural: a disagreement with the people enforcing the Constitution. But on the level of substance, he continues to conform—he never disagrees with the Constitution itself.

There is no clear answer to why the Constitution is so important to Hirabayashi, why the Constitution’s validity should be taken for granted, and why his struggles don’t devolve into a sort of cruel optimism: from the Alien Land Law to internment to Vincent Chin’s death to ICE detention camps, immigrant rights have not progressed very far. “We Hold These Truths” fails to reconcile Hirabayashi’s investment in the Constitution with the eternal recurrence of racism.

Art’s Accessibility is Technically Amazing beauty of art in and of itself, and learning how to create art is as easy as ever, with it no longer being limited to wealthy or

upper-middle class families who can afford to send their children to private classes with a professional. By simply going online and searching up “how to draw,” endless tutorials appear, each with step-by-step walkthroughs on how to create anything from a clay sculpture to a watercolor painting.

Sites like Tumblr have a different role—to garner appreciation for artistic works. The social media platform has been credited with creating a greater appreciation for modernist art,

as well as aesthetically pleasing visuals. Equally important, artists of all styles have a common, creative platform to share animations,

Maryann Foley / The Spectator

fanart, comics, and so much more.

It isn’t just the internet that

has brought us more accessibility in the arts. The New York City Department of Education and other school systems have been working to give all students a stronger artistic education starting from elementary school. It’s a welcome change in a system that has traditionally only focused on a STEMrelated curriculum. Stuyvesant’s own Art Appreciation and AP Art History courses encourage students to explore the world through the lens of art, where they are exposed to profound, controversial, and impactful pieces. The incorporation of SMART boards in classrooms also allows teachers to show the minute details of pieces that would otherwise be unknown to students who aren’t able to physically see a work of art. Art courses like these focus less on the process of creating art and more on observation as teachers immerse students in a wide range of cultures, artistic eras, and rich histories.

Modernizing Art

With the increasingly advanced technologies that are at our disposal and the ease at which artists can explore new art forms, the creative art process has changed dramatically.

Artistic movements like the pop art of the 1960s were an experimentation with silk screening and the art reproduction process. Though the technique of silk screening had already been long known, the more efficient printing processes made the procedure quicker and easier to experiment with, allowing artists to focus instead on personal style and the use of color.

In recent years, technology has made it possible to expand art into seemingly impossible realms like virtual reality. Users with the right tools can delve into incredible experiences, such as performing surgery, killing zombies, or being a part of the bridge crew in “Star Trek: Enterprise.”

Technology hasn’t just helped with art and video games, though. The development of computer-generated imagery (CGI) makes modern cinematic universes more expansive and believable.

continued on page 15

The Spectator ● March 29, 2018

Page 15

Arts and Entertainment Art’s Accessibility is Technically Amazing

thinkpiece continued from page 14 Franchises like Star Wars and the Marvel Cinematic Universe utilize a variety of practical and virtually-produced special effects to achieve their famous fight scenes and show off their vast new worlds.

eryone, not just those escaping from war and famine. Weiwei has also created several other works, such as “Snake Bag,” a serpent-shaped installation made of 360 backpacks that belonged to children who died in the 2008 earthquake of Sichuan, a southwestern province in China. The snake, a creature

toblog by Brandon Stanton, captures the personalities of the inhabitants living in the city that never sleeps. Stanton’s vast collection of photographs attempts to make the move towards exposing rough-edged urban life with brutally honest, sometimes even comical, captions that allows the audience

view paintings online instantly, that can never supplement the unique feeling of being in the same physical space as a piece of art. This can be said with the Impressionist painting “Sunrise” by Claude Monet. Though Monet and his famous piece have been discussed constantly throughout the years, hear-

Give a Good, Hard Look

In conjunction with technology, there are numerous artists who embrace nontraditional mediums in creating art that strives to bring an important issue to light, rather than to entertain. In his documentary “Human Flow,” Ai Weiwei utilizes the camera to expose viewers to the devastation of the global refugee crisis beyond what the news says. Known as the greatest displacement since World War II, the refugee crisis is brought to the forefront by Weiwei’s examination of a series of human stories that affect ev-

There are numerous artists who embrace non-traditional mediums in creating art that strives to bring an important issue to light, rather than to entertain.

of evil in most cultures, symbolizes the local corruption that led to poor building codes, and ultimately, the death of several hundred children.

In addition to Weiwei’s art, Humans of New York, a pho-

to intimately experience the rich stories of the population in our urban megapolis.

Nope, Traditional Art Isn’t Going Anywhere

Although it’s true you can

ing about it and viewing it on Google Images can’t beat seeing it with your own eyes. At the Musée Marmottan Monet, visitors flock into the gallery room to try to grab a picture with the painting, and the vivid dashes

of colors and texture of the painting are incomparable to what is viewed on a flat board in an art history class.

Even with our many artistic achievements, art still remains in the background. It’s as accessible as ever, but many people are unaware of this or choose not to care about it. In Stuyvesant specifically, there are many students who fail to appreciate art, either because they find it difficult to be open-minded towards it or don’t see how it is important to their life. Art, however, has never failed to connect people. It contains a plethora of information about life itself, which cannot be found in many academic subjects. This makes it all the more important to know why art is, and should continue to be, accessible.

Thanks to technology, art has grown to connect and reach a wide demographic of people, allowing the art scene to reach incredible new heights.

Protest Playlist

Music

By Jacqueline Thom Music is perhaps one of the clearest reflections we can find of the trends—social, political, or otherwise—that characterize the time in which it was created. In times of protest especially, music reflects the contours of popular opinion and often takes a position at the forefront of a movement, guiding rather than cataloguing its mission.

With this playlist, we seek to introduce the listener to the intersection of music and activism. From the Civil Rights Movement and the Cold War to the #MeToo and #NeverAgain movements that have gained momentum nationwide, music has been used to express, with profound pathos and humanity, the passion of these movements, as well as the struggles and injustices we as humans must overcome.

Mississippi Goddam Nina Simone R&B/Jazz/Pop

Imagine John Lennon Soft Rock/Pop

We Shall Overcome Pete Seeger Gospel

Another Brick In The Wall Pink Floyd Rock

Take Me To Church Hozier Alternative

Blowin’ In the Wind Bob Dylan Folk

Get Up Stand Up Bob Marley Reggae

Saigon Bride Joan Baez Folk

Freedom Beyonce and Kendrick Lamar R&B/Rap

Alright Kendrick Lamar Rap

Don’t Stop (Color on the Walls) Foster the People Indie/Alt

Chained to the Rhythm Katy Perry ft. Skip Marley Pop

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The Spectator ● March 29,2018

Page 16

Arts and Entertainment In Memoriam

By Jacqueline Thom On renowned physicist Stephen Hawking’s tombstone is the equation for “Hawking Radiation,” his 1974 theory that black holes aren’t completely black, but rather emit radiation that slowly causes them to “evaporate” with the force of a million nuclear bombs. Nothing could be more fitting for the man who overcame physical disabilities to become one of the most recognized faces of science.

From earning various prestigious awards like the Presidential Medal of Freedom (2009) and the Breakthrough Prize in Fundamental Physics (2012), to his cameos on shows like “The Simpsons” and “Big Bang Theory,” Hawking has certainly left behind a legacy in both science and pop culture. After decades of coming up with the most provocative theories and equations around (all without being able to physically write!), Hawking left Earth to explore the everexpanding universes for real at the age of 76 on March 14, 2018, which happens to perfectly coincide with the anniversaries of the death of Galileo and the birth of Albert Einstein.

Years before Hawking made it onto “The Simpsons” in the episode “They Saved Lisa’s Brain,” Hawking was making waves with his revolutionary theories in astrophysics and quantum mechanics as he studied matters of science that would be very hard for most Stuy kids to comprehend. Just as important, however, was Hawking’s struggle to overcome the onset of severe depression. At 21, he was diagnosed with amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, a rare nervous system disease that weakens muscle function, and his doctors said

Book

By Miranda Lepri Given our current political climate, a United States where abortion and in vitro fertilization are illegal and every embryo is granted the rights of life, liberty, and property seems both unbelievable and not too far from our own reality. But this alternative present, or perhaps, this near future, is the stage of Leni Zumas’s compelling third novel, “Red Clocks.”

Performing an abortion is legally considered second-degree murder, seeking an abortion is conspiracy to commit murder, and the “pink wall” prevents women from crossing into Canada or Mexico for forbidden services.

In this world, so like and unlike our own, five women confront their place in the world through the lens of their reproductive identity.

Ro is a single woman trying to have a baby on her own in the face of an impending ban on single parents adopting, all while holding down a job teaching at the high school in the small coastal town of Newville. She’s at work on a biography of her heroine, Eivor Minervudottir, the forgotten 19th century female polar explorer who gave up marriage and motherhood to pursue her scientific explorations.

Susan, on the other hand, is a total contrast. The unhappily married and increasingly desper-

Stephen Hawking: The OG Scholar that he wouldn’t survive to see his 23rd birthday. Hawking became brooding and listless— what was the point if he wasn’t even able to live long enough to get his PhD? Fortunately, when he realized that his disease was progressing much more slowly than expected, Hawking threw himself wholeheartedly into his work with the drive to accomplish as much as he could to live a fulfilling life. He lived past the two years his doctors gave him and continued to crush the competition, even challenging the work of well-established Cambridge physicist Fred Hoyle in 1964. As told by two of Hawking’s biographers, Michael White and John Gribbin, Hoyle’s student Jayant Narlikar had been doing research on the equations in Hoyle’s paper for his PhD and freely shared Hoyle’s work with Hawking. After months of studying it, Hawking was determined to point out its errors, and promptly (and smugly) did so at a Royal Society lecture in London.

Hawking didn’t stop there— he later developed the concept of “Hawking Radiation,” the Penrose-Hawking Singularity Theorems, the Bekenstein-Hawking Formula, and many more very complicated things related to cosmology and physics. In late 2017, Hawking’s 1966 PhD thesis, “Properties of Expanding Universes,” was made Open Access, and with over 60,000 downloads within 24 hours, the paper’s host site crashed. “Hopefully they won’t be disappointed now that they finally have access to it!”

Hawking quipped in a statement prior to one of the website’s several crashes.

Among Hawking’s great literary achievements is “A Brief History of Time,” written in nontechnical terms to describe the structure, origin, creation, and possible fate of the universe. The first edition sold out in the U.S. within days and stayed on The New York Times best seller list for 147 weeks. Unlike most books dealing with complex science, Hawking’s

Daniel Tam / The Spectator

book was meant to be “the sort of book that would sell in airport bookstores” (Wall Street Journal, 2013) and was a huge hit not only because it didn’t use complex terms that would make readers fall asleep, but also because Hawking’s deft use of humor and analogies easily immersed readers in the world of black holes and string theory.

Besides being so successful as a physicist and author, Hawking was quite the activist. At an event celebrating Hawking’s de-

cades-long fellowship at the University of Cambridge’s Gonville and Caius College, he noted, “I wonder whether a young ambitious academic, with my kind of severe condition now, would find the same generosity and support in much of higher education.” As well as addressing the challenges faced by today’s physically disabled academics, Hawking, in his goal to raise awareness of science and its need for funding, joined the numerous British universities lobbying for more funding for the scientific community given the looming threat of an £80 million grant cutback.

In addition, in his 2016 lecture, “Into a Black Hole,” at the Royal Institute in London, Hawking continued to inspire with some deeply-reso nating words for those struggling with depression, like he had after being diagnosed with ALS. He said, “The message of this lecture is that black holes aren’t as black as they are painted. They are not eternal prisons…Things can get out of a black hole. So if you feel you are in a black hole, don’t give up—there’s a way out… It’s also important not to become angry, no matter how difficult life may seem, because you can lose all hope if you can’t laugh at yourself and life in general.” Take notes, Stuy.

On a lighter note, Hawking could have seriously been a comedian. He often appeared in comedy charity events like

“Comic Relief” and “Red Nose Day,” where it isn’t hard to find scenes of him trying to hide a wide grin. Many who met the physicist, including actor Eddie Redmayne, who portrayed Hawking in the award-winning film, “The Theory of Everything” (2014), praised him for not only his awe-inspiring intellectual ability, but also his “real force of charisma and humor and incisive wit and a sense of mischief.

Even though it’s difficult for [Hawking] to communicate, he’s absolutely in charge of a room” (BBC News, 2014). And despite its completely inaccurate lyrics about the universe, Hawking found time to star in a version of Monty Python’s “Galaxy Song,” where he runs over fellow physicist Brian Cox before belting out the song’s very catchy words. We also can’t forget that interview with comedian and talk show host John Oliver, in which Hawking was asked, “You’ve stated that you believe there can be an infinite number of parallel universes. Does that mean there is a universe out there where I am smarter than you?” Hawking replied yes, and with the most savage comeback ever, added, “And also a universe where you’re funny.”

From when he jokingly called it a pity that he still hadn’t won a Nobel Prize for “Hawking Radiation,” to when he pushed us to consider the man-made end of the world, our man Stephen was someone to be admired and reckoned with. And as all great minds go, Hawking was never afraid to be outspoken, like when he said that the concept of an afterlife is “a fairy story for people afraid of the dark.” On the day of Hawking’s death, we didn’t lose a man to the dark; rather, he left us to be with all the other geniuses.

“Red Clocks” Asks: Whose Life Is It Anyway? ate mother of two is tormented not by her reproductive rights, but by her role as a wife and a mother, and who she might be if she were neither.

Next we meet Mattie, Ro’s most brilliant student, a girl just beginning to see the possibilities life holds for her when she finds herself pregnant, with nowhere to turn. And finally we are introduced to Gin, the hermetic natural healer, or “mender,” who provides services to women that doctors will not. When Gin is ar-

Camilla Cheng / The Spectator

rested and put on trial for crimes, both real and fabricated, the fates of each of these women align with

startling repercussions.

Zumas has a gift for channeling a powerful intellect into compelling characters and plot lines, such that as much as the novel makes you think, it is also a swift and satisfying read. After all, while political commentary is all well and good, it does not make a successful novel. Zumas is never doctrinaire; when Ro, desperate for a baby, discovers that Mattie is pregnant, she longs to adopt the child. Mattie, however, views the baby inside her as a parasite and just wants to terminate the pregnancy and move on with her life.

Ro battles her own resentment to support Mattie in a choice she desperately hopes she will not make.

With its multifaceted take on a woman’s right to control her own body, “Red Clocks” doesn’t feel like a tirade. It approaches an emotionally complicated issue in a complicated way by showing how difficult these choices are for the women who make them and acknowledging that, in some way, abortion is always a loss. In this way, Zumas recognizes that the most important part of the fight for reproductive rights isn’t that every woman should want an abortion, nor even believe it’s always the right choice, but that no one has the right to deny a woman the right to choose.

“Red Clocks” merits the obvious comparison, both in subject matter and quality, to Margaret Atwood’s masterwork, “The Handmaid’s Tale.” Atwood’s America is

ruled by a religious regime, with women’s rights being completely revoked and a new caste system being put in place, all in line with an extremist agenda. But whereas Atwood frightens us with a world entirely rewritten by an oppressive regime, Zumas takes a subtler tack, cleverly realizing that it doesn’t necessarily take the complete eradication of democratic government by the religious right to trap women in their biological destinies. The erosion of a single right—the right to choose—will do just fine.

The America Zumas describes is not an autocracy, nor is it under oppressive rule. It is essentially our own world, and the rollback of women’s rights to their bodies doesn’t feel dramatic or foreign, but eerily plausible. “Red Clocks” builds a world just a few steps removed from our own, one that seems utterly familiar until the devastating moments when it does not. Where Atwood finds drama in the details of a new world order, one with Handmaids and public stonings, Zumas’s characters lead lives that are barely unlike our own, making them relatable and compelling.

As Ro reflects, “She was just quietly teaching history when it happened. Woke up one morning to a president-elect she hadn’t voted for. This man thought women who miscarried should pay for funerals for the fetal tissue and thought lab technicians who accidentally dropped an embryo

during in vitro transfer were guilty of manslaughter. She heard there was glee on the lawns of her father’s Orlando retirement village.

Marching in the streets of Portland. In Newville: brackish calm.”

Zumas issues a warning that feels all too prescient considering the current administration’s general opposition to abortion and insurance coverage for birth control.

The Trump administration has made its stance on abortion, contraceptives, and a woman’s right to control her own body abundantly clear since the start of the term, spurring outrage from women across the nation and several massively organized protests. “Red Clocks” is one of many recent outcries of artists, writers, and journalists alike against the onslaught. Zumas warns against complacency, the similarity of her world to ours displaying how the danger is in forgetting how easy it is to let our rights simply slip away just because they don’t seem to severely impact daily life.

Compulsively readable, witty, and sharp, “Red Clocks” doesn’t lean on authorial voice to make a point about women’s rights.

Instead, Zumas breathes life into her characters and allows them to struggle with the novel’s essential question: what is a woman’s purpose? Are we valuable only as bodies and in our relationships to others—as mothers, wives, daughters, and lovers—or can we hope for more, as Eivor did all those years ago?

The Spectator â—? March 29, 2018

Page 17

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The Spectator ● March 29, 2018

Sports Sports Editorial

Titans Take Second in the City

By Allison Eng and Franklin Liou The Titans, Stuyvesant’s boys’ varsity table tennis team, reached the PSAL Varsity City Finals, conveniently located at Stuyvesant, for the fifth consecutive year. The Titans were seeded fourth out of 12 teams in the playoffs. During the first round, they and the other top four teams got a “bye,” meaning they immediately advanced to the second round, the quarterfinals.

Earlier in the season, Stuyvesant’s quarterfinals opponent, fifthseeded Cardozo High School, was no match for the Titans. Stuyvesant won their regular season clash easily, 5-0. True to form, the Titans beat Cardozo High School again to secure a spot in the semifinals.

In accordance with PSAL Table Tennis tradition, both semifinals and finals take place on the same day, meaning each team present had to face two competitors. In the semifinals, the Titans faced the Bronx High School of Science, seeded first. Stuyvesant pulled off the upset, winning 4-1.

The only loss was for the first singles match, played by senior and co-captain Alvin Chen against Bronx Science opponent George He. Chen was able to bring the match to four sets but ended up losing 3-1.

After breezing by Bronx Science, the Titans moved on to face the third-seeded Brooklyn Technical Engineers in the finals. Not only was the city championship title at stake, but so was the intense rivalry built between the two schools during the season. “They were second to us all this time,” Coach Bernard Feigenbaum said. The team was

looking to keep the same mindset for this match.

At the first meet of the season, which was held at Stuyvesant, the Titans beat the Engineers 3-2. Senior and co-captain Isaac Rose Berman and Feigenbaum took the win as a good sign. “We did well. I think we surprised ourselves when we beat Brooklyn Tech for the first time. They have all the people who are higher ranked,” Feigenbaum said.

“Unlike other sports, ping pong

has an objective ranking system, and a lot of the players play tournaments to obtain that ranking,” Rose Berman added. “Brooklyn Tech had players with higher rankings, so they were expected to win. ” This inspiring, albeit slightly surprising, first win of the season set the tone for the Titans.

Alas, during the finals, the Engineers edged out the Titans 3-2.

“For us to have won, […] we had to have won first doubles, second

put themselves at an extreme disadvantage by losing this second doubles match, played by Luo and Chen. “We were still the underdog, [but] they did a great job [and that] took them [to] five games. That could’ve gone either way. We needed that,” Feigenbaum said.

However, they were not in this hole for long, as seniors Nicholas Pustilnik and Rose Berman won the first doubles match, evening the score at 1-1. The duo is heavily

petitors in nevertheless competitive matches, allowing Brooklyn Tech to secure the PSAL Boys’ Varsity Championship four matches to one.

Amstislavskiy’s game was especially close, going five sets. “[His loss] was the biggest surprise, because he’s never lost in three years until [today],” Feigenbaum said.

However, despite the outcome, the team as a whole and their coach believe that their performance,

given the circumstances, went well. “[Second place] is an accomplishment, really, because we lost all those starters, and Brooklyn Tech got really incredibly strong. They have the best player in the city who is a freshman [and] two very good [returning] singles players who were their one and two last year,” Feigenbaum said. “It was always an uphill battle.”

Feigenbaum’s retirement at the end of the year marks the end of an era in which the team won four first place trophies and one second place trophy. Though Feigenbaum still expects the team to remain dominant, he believes that the Engineers will continue to challenge and rival the Titans.

Throughout the season, the Titans had to find many pieces to fill the places of departed seniors, as the three best players in the league, William Yao (‘17), Eric Amstislavskiy (‘17), and Alston Wang (‘17), graduated last year. “I think it was winning the fourth time city championship in a row so that all those freshmen [won] every single year.

And then they left […] It was happy and sad. And that’s the trophy I’m actually keeping: the fourth one that we won. [Getting] all of the [previous trophies were] was to get to the fourth one,” Feigenbaum said when asked about his fondest Titans memory. Feigenbaum believes that the team will continue to stay strong, but with four of the seven starters graduating, younger players will need to step up. Despite the tough ending, this year’s Titans played consistently strong table tennis and put the finishing touches on an outstanding coaching career by Feigenbaum.

Girls’ Lacrosse

Undermanned Hitme Have a Promising Win in First Game Senior and captain Nicholas Pustilnik expertly placed a volley into the back corner of the court. His opponent was only able to hit back a weak lob, which Pustilnik emphatically smashed to win the point. This type of domination extended to the whole Stuyvesant boys’ tennis team, which beat the High School for American Studies (HSAS) on Monday, March 26 with a score of 4-1.

The Hitmen were very confident going into their match against HSAS. “We crush this team every year,” Coach Marvin Autry said. However, key members of Stuyvesant’s team were unavailable for the match.

“We’re missing two starters, [senior] Michael Kaydin and [senior] Derek Lum. If we had all our starters we’d beat this team 5-0.” The absence of these players meant that the Hitmen had to play freshmen and sophomores who had never played in a match for the team before.

Despite being undermanned, the Hitmen were able to pull off a resounding victory. Pustilnik won 8-1 in first singles and sophomore Albert Wan won 8-3 in second singles.

In first doubles, juniors Robin Han and Nicholas Chan prevailed 8-3, and in second doubles, sophomore Jeremy Lee and freshman Joshua Melamed won 8-2. Stuyvesant’s only loss

relied on by the team. “My partner and I actually finished the season undefeated, which was pretty sweet. Next weekend is [also the PSAL] Individual Championships, and we’re looking to take first there as well; in previous years, we’ve gotten the top spots in singles and doubles,” Rose Berman said.

Chen, junior Mark Amstislavskiy, and sophomore Jeremy Lee played the first, second, and third singles matches, respectively. They all lost to their Brooklyn Tech com-

“I think it was winning the fourth time city championship in a row so that all those freshmen [won] every single year. And then they left […] It was happy and sad. And that’s the trophy I’m actually keeping: the fourth one that we won. [Getting] all of the [previous trophies were] was to get to the fourth one.”

—Bernard Feigenbaum, coach

Boys’ Tennis

By Noah Grenert

doubles, and second singles. Those are for sure,” Feigenbaum said. The second doubles matchup tends to be the pivotal one, often deciding whether the schools secure a win or loss. Depending on the matchup, Feigenbaum has switched the lineup throughout the season between two double pairs, senior Mahidul Shalel and freshman Dilan Apterman or senior Jeffrey Luo and junior Linpeng Chen.

Despite the thought put into deciding the pairings, the Titans

came in third singles, in which freshman Arie Golubenko lost 1-8.

Pustilnik was encouraged by the team’s performance, especially that of the newer players.

“We played pretty well today. We were missing a few key players, but everyone stepped up and played well, and we won. That’s all that matters,” he said.

Last season, the Hitmen made it to the second round of the playoffs and ultimately lost to Bronx Science. But this year, Coach Autry believes that the team has a good chance of going further. “We basically have the same team as last year, except this year I think we’re better. The freshmen, sophomores, and juniors this year are a little bit better than the seniors who graduated last year,” he said.

“We’re gonna beat everyone in our division except Beacon and Bronx Science.” Bronx Science and Beacon High School, Stuyvesant’s division rivals, have very formidable teams this season, which will make it tough for the Hitmen to advance in the playoffs.

“In terms of the regular season, our goal is to beat Beacon or Bronx Science at least once,” Pustilnik said. They will get two opportunities to beat each of these teams during the season.

These games should gauge how likely the Hitmen are to advance far in the postseason.

Inspiring Season Opener for Huskies

By Eugene Yoo and Ricky Choi The Huskies, Stuyvesant’s girls’ lacrosse team, were formidable last season, advancing all the way to the second round of playoffs before losing to the first-seeded Curtis High School.

This year, despite the loss of Lauren Moy (‘17) and her 100 goals scored, the team is looking to advance again in the playoffs.

The Huskies started off on the right foot with a win of 8-0 against Long Island City High School. Senior and co-captain Leila Storkamp led the team and finished with four goals while junior Isabela Seitz had two, and senior co-captain Inbar Pe’er and junior Ria Gaur each contributed one. However, despite the score, Stuyvesant’s victory against Long Island City was not an easy one.

“We were a bit worried because the top scorer on our team graduated last year, but Leila [Storkamp] and a lot of newbies like [sophomore] Kyra [Gunluk] really stepped up!” senior and co-captain Sara Ng said.

Moving forward, the girls hope to make the playoffs for the

their good teamwork. The team displayed tremendous sportsmanship, showing respect for the other team before and after the game. The bench players also continuously cheered the starters throughout the game, which built a foundation of trust and unity within the team.

“We have high expectations for this season. Last year we made it to the second round of playoffs, and we know that our players have a ton of potential and

the game,” Storkamp said. She showed substantial leadership at every step of the game and the team continues to progress with a positive outlook.

Despite the loss of Moy, the attackers are capable of continuing to lead a high-octane offense.

With fully capable players ready to fill the departed members’ spots in the lineup, good teamwork, and strong leadership, the team’s play was effortless and professional. As long as this sort

“We know that our players have a ton of potential, and our team can do very well.”

—Leila Storkamp, senior and co-captain. third year in a row. The team is confident in their abilities both on and off the field, as shown by their efforts during the game and

our team can do very well. We hope that returning players develop their skills even more, and that newbies really get to learn

of play continues over the next few months, it seems that the girls’ lacrosse team will have another successful season.

The Spectator ● March 29, 2018

Page 19

Sports Sports Editorial

Champions League Race Tightens

By Ahmed Hussein and Sunan Tajwar After a few months of layoff, the Champions League returned in February. Many believed that the excitement from the previous group stage could not be topped.

But the remaining 16 teams in the competition begged to differ. Over two legs, the remaining teams faced off to determine the eight teams that will progress in the competition. Each team plays one game on their home field, and the scores are added together to determine the final score.

Juventus (Italy) vs. Tottenham Hotspur (England) Italian giant Juventus drew a Tottenham Hotspur team that was struggling domestically. Their only hope to go on was their star striker, Harry Kane. The teams went into the second leg tied 2-2. If no goals were scored in the second leg, Tottenham would go through since they had the away goal advantage.

In the second game, Tottenham winger, Heung Min Son, scored in the first half to give them an extra advantage. But this was a game of two halves. In the second half, Stephan Lichtsteiner and Kwadwo Asamoah came on to turn the tide

Real Madrid (Spain) vs. Paris Saint Germain (France) Before this game, Paris Saint Germain (PSG) were the undisputed kings of Europe. They had just broken a Champions League for the most goals scored in the group stage, largely in part by their world record signee ($263 million), Neymar. The Brazilian had been tearing apart defenses alongside his partners, Kylian Mbappé and Edinson Cavani. Naturally, PSG went into the game with confidence, and they scored an early goal via midfielder Adrien Rabiot.

However, Madrid leveled the score before halftime thanks to Cristiano Ronaldo. The second half was back and forth until Lucas Vazquez and Marco Asensio came on for Madrid. They transformed the game with their direct play, and Ronaldo scored his second goal before Marcelo scored Madrid’s third. To make matters worse for PSG, Neymar got injured before the second leg, and Madrid took full advantage, winning 2-1 in Paris to seal the deal with a 5-2 aggregate score. In the end, Madrid’s experience edged out the Paris’s money, which has proven to be a waste yet again.

Liverpool (England) vs. Porto (Portugal) This year, Liverpool have been unstoppable in front of the goal largely because of their Egyptian forward, Mohamed Salah. The tricky winger has scored 35 goals this season in just 39 games. It was no surprise that Liverpool tore apart Porto’s backline, scoring five goals past them in a 5-0 win in Portugal, with Salah scoring one. Salah flicked the ball over the goalkeeper before cooly nodding it up and placing past the keeper and the defender’s flailing legs.

Boys’ Soccer

From that point, the challenge was insurmountable as Porto and Liverpool had pretty much secured their place in the next round. An uneventful 0-0 draw in the second leg confirmed Liverpool’s superiority. After being matched up against Manchester City in the next round, Liverpool have their work cut out for them. A challenging draw, no doubt, but if Salah can continue scoring, there is no reason why Liverpool can’t advance further.

Bayern Munchen (Germany) vs.

Besiktas (Turkey) Bayern’s second place group finish to PSG during the group stage turned out to be a blessing in disguise when they drew Besiktas.

The first leg was in Munich, and the Bavarians did not fail to provide a show for their home fans.

The early red card for Besiktas defender Vida forced the team to play a man down for the majority of the match. Thomas Muller started the goal tally with a brace, Kingsley Coman added one in the 53rd minute, and their star striker Robert Lewandowski ended the match with two of his own to make the final score 5-0.

The second leg wasn’t much different. As the two went head to head in Istanbul for the second leg, Bayern continued to exert their dominance with three more goals from Thiago, an own goal from Gokhan Gonul, and backup striker Sandro Wagner. Although the Turks did scrap together one goal from Vagner Love in the 59th minute, Bayern’s class just proved to be too much as the aggregate scoreline ended 8-1 in favor of the Bavarians, who will face Sevilla (Spain) in the next round.

FC Barcelona (Spain) vs. Chelsea FC (England) The English Champions Chelsea going up against the storied Barcelona is a rivalry with a lot of history. To this day, Chelsea fans are still “covering their eyes” in

horror from when Andres Iniesta stroked the ball from the edge of the box into the top corner in 2009.

But the narrative also surrounds Messi, the so called “Messiah,” since he manages to score against basically every team he has ever played against, except for Chelsea.

That was about to change.

The first leg started cagey in London. Chelsea had the better chances early as the game progressed, with Brazilian winger Willian hitting the post twice. But the third time’s the charm, as a brilliant goal in the 62nd minute saw Willian put Chelsea up 1-0 with a finesse shot from outside the box into the bottom right corner. It was all going perfectly for Chelsea at home. That was until Marcos Alonso served the ball to Iniesta on a silver platter, who squared it up for Messi in the box, who inevitably slotted it into the bottom left corner of the goal. And just like that, all of Chelsea’s momentum was gone. In the second leg at the Camp Nou in Barcelona, Lionel Messi made up for years of frustration against Chelsea by slotting two goals through Thibaut Courtois legs, while Ousmane Dembele added one more, making the leg score 3-0 in favor of Barcelona, and 4-1 in favor of Barcelona overall.

Barcelona will face AS Roma (Italy) in the next round.

Manchester United (England) vs.

Sevilla (Spain) Manchester United were the favorites coming in, as expected of a team who throws around hundreds of millions of euros every summer in comparison to a smaller, regionally branded team like Sevilla. The first leg may have been the most underwhelming in the entire round, as neither side scored, with minimal chances at the goal for either side. So the pressure was on Manchester United to win this match in the Theater of Dreams back in Manchester, who needed a victory to advance to the

next round. At the start of the second leg, we thought we were in for the same scoreline as both sides seemed as if they were more worried about not conceding. But as the second half rolled around, supersub Wassim Ben-Yedder came on for Sevilla and essentially with his first few touches on the ball, put the Spanish away side up 1-0 to break the deadlock in the 74th minute. With the pressure now on to score two to advance, United responded by conceding another to Ben Yedder just four minutes later.

Even though Lukaku scrapped a goal for United as time was winding down, it was too little too late as the fixture ended with an aggregate score of 2-1. The complete breakdown of Manchester United under pressure ultimately exposed how little these high-priced players like Lukaku, Pogba, and Sanchez are really producing.

AS Roma (Italy) vs. Shakhtar Donetsk (Ukraine) This was not the most hyped fixture of the round, but it provided everything we love about this competition with a scrappy underdog, comebacks, and heroics. The first half in Ukraine saw the Italian club go up 1-0 just before halftime thanks to defender Cengiz Under. But the Ukrainian side would not be denied at home, as the Argentine Facundo Ferreyra scored in the 52nd minute, and Brazilian Fred scored a sweet free kick in the 71st minute to give the Ukranians a 2-1 advantage going into the second leg. The two went back to Rome for the second leg, and the first half went according to plan as Shakhtar prevented Roma from scoring. But Roma’s star striker Edin Dzeko finally broke through in the 52nd minute to tie it 2-2, with Roma leading on away goals. Ivan Ordets’s late red card for Shakhtar essentially ended the tie, as Roma will advance on away goals.

Boys’ Track

Peglegs Enter Season with Greyducks Migrate to the Spring Season High Expectations

By Susan Lin

By Ariel Glazman and Jared Asch As Tuesday, March 27th, approaches, the Peglegs, Stuyvesant’s boys’ varsity lacrosse team, is hard at work preparing for their first game of the season against Albert Tuitt High School. They have been practicing nearly every day since tryouts, expecting a strong season. After a successful season last year, setting a record of 8-5, the Peglegs believe they can be an even stronger force this year. Though the team did make the playoffs in their previous season, they lost in the first round to New Dorp High School.

While things have gotten off to a slow start—their initial first game against Riverdale/Kingsbridge Academy was postponed due to the recent snowstorm— the team feels prepared for the matches ahead. “The team consists of mostly returning players, so they have had experience in games already,” senior and co-captain Sam Brimberg explained.

The Peglegs also have the guidance of Stuy alumni and former captains of the team, Michael Joh (‘17) and Andrey Ligayi (‘16), who have returned to serve as assistant coaches to Coach Di Wu. “If someone wants some extra training in a particular aspect

of the game, I’m there for my players,” Ligayi said.

The team’s newest focus is on a series of new set plays that they are implementing this season with the help of their assistant coaches. “We’re working on offensive sets that help us space the field, but at the same time, help us encourage movement in offball players. Our sets include offball screens to set up our strong shooters from the wing,” Ligayi explained.

These plays are more advanced than those they have traditionally worked with, but the captains continue to try and maintain a fun atmosphere.

“We’ve been learning and applying college level plays, [specifically] one known as the ‘Mumbo Pop,’ which we renamed to ‘Gucci Pop,’” junior and co-captain Rubin Peco said.

Going forward, the Peglegs are confident that they will have a strong season. “In my final season and with this team, I think we can do a lot. This team looked strong from the beginning after tryouts, and I think we can do really well in our league,” said Brimberg. While the team has many matches ahead of them, they also have many plans and practices under their belt as they enter their season.

Amidst the hustle and bustle of the top runners from all five boroughs gathering at the Armory Track on February 17, the six Greyducks, members of Stuyvesant’s indoor track and field team, stood in anticipation of their races. In the face of an infeasible team victory with such a small pool of runners,

event with a time of 10 minutes and 12.68 seconds, placing seventh. For the long jump, junior Jeffrey Wu scored nearly a foot lower than he had in his Boroughs performance.

It appears that the majority of the team was invested in winning Boroughs and beginning the spring season. The emphasis on alleviating the very real possibility of losing

statistical leaderboard at City Championships in the process.

In fact, Xiedeng scored fifth in weight throw and thirteenth in shotput, and Wargo scored ninth in pole vault. As for long distance, sophomore Baird Johnson placed 20th out of nearly 75 runners for the 1000meter.

With the passage of the City Championships and the ill-

“There was nothing like the pressure I felt at boroughs.”

—Joshel Xiedeng, senior. the athletes were racing for individual records, hoping to one-up their personal records.

Alas, the team’s performance was unexceptional, their peak having occurred earlier in the season. For the pole vault, juniors Andrew Wargo and Alex Liu finished with records of 9 feet and 6 inches and 8 feet and 6 inches, respectively, which were slightly lesser performances than those at Boroughs. For weight throw, senior Joshel Xiedeng placed seventh with a height of 33 feet and 1.75 inches. And, freshly recovered from his injury, junior Justin Zhang ran in the 3200-meter

Boroughs overshadowed the focus on the upcoming City Championships. “There was nothing like the pressure I felt at Boroughs,” Xiedeng said. For senior and co-captain Jesse Sit, the team still ended on a good note. “We really didn’t expect to win by that big [of ] a margin. Compared to the past, it’s a much smaller margin, but the team really worked for it,” said Sit. Still, this season has overall been a win because the team has now adjusted to new coaches Carl Disarno and Mankit Wong, and quite a few members of the team made the

named Frosh-Soph Championships, the winter indoor track and field season officially concluded for Stuyvesant’s Greyducks. More than anything, the ending of the winter season “is a good setup for spring outdoor season,” said senior and co-captain Minhein Htet.

“I’m looking forward to having the younger kids start to learn to take on responsibilities and getting ready to pass leadership on,” Sit said when asked what the spring season promises for the team. With bright sunny days in the horizon to rejuvenate them, the future is looking up for the Greyducks.

James Young / The Spectator

FC Basel (Switzerland) vs.

Manchester City (England) Swiss-side Basel could not have asked for a much more difficult draw. Manchester City was a team in great form, and very few teams could stop their star-studded attack. Unsurprisingly, the first leg saw City walk all over Basel, with the Cityzens scoring four goals. Basel did manage to pull off a shocking 2-1 win over City in the second match, but their fate was already sealed, and City progressed to the next round. However, this defeat broke City’s undefeated streak at home this season and may knock City’s confidence in the next round.

in Juventus’s favor. Their forward runs were too much for Tottenham to handle, and Juventus scored a quick fire double to edge the game and the round by just one goal.

The Spectator ● March 29, 2018

Page 20

The Spectator SpoRts Swimming

Pirates Secure PSAL Championship Again

CALENDAR

9

April

Monday Boys’ Handball, Stuyvesant @ 4:30, vs High School of Environmental Studies Anna Yuan / The Spectator

9

By Ariel Glazman and Jared Asch Junior Nicholas Wen stepped up the starting block during his third consecutive PSAL swimming championship meet. He and his team, the Stuyvesant Pirates, were facing a very familiar rival, the Brooklyn Technical High School Engineers, who had defeated Stuyvesant two years ago in the championship meet during Wen’s rookie season.

Along with his teammates, Wen was hungry for revenge.

He dived into the water for the 200-yard Freestyle, an event atin which he’s placed first at all of his high school meets. For the entire race, Wen was neck

Monday Girls’ Lacrosse, Randall’s Island Field 72 @ 4:00, vs Lehman Campus

Monday ley (IM), an event in which both of them excelled this past season. In the 100-yard Butterfly, senior and co-captain Leon Lai, as well as junior Sean Roudnitsky, outswam Brooklyn Tech, finishing first and second, respectively, and winning by a margin of only one second.

The path to a championship did not come without obstacles, though, and experience was a major concern at the beginning of the season. Though the Pirates had a senior class of only five team members, that did not stop the team. The other 11 juniors and seven sophomores, many of whom were the team’s most competitive swimmers, were

expected for the Pirates, who have had championship-level seasons year after year under the direction of Bologna.

“She [Coach Choy] took the position without prior knowledge about our swimmers, and we also did not know what to expect heading into this season. Throughout the first few weeks, we had to earn each other’s trust and respect.

She definitely runs things differently than former Coach Bologna, but they are equally committed to this team. Even during this transition, we’ve still been able to remain a tight-knit community, and we fully trust Coach Choy,” Tran said.

The Pirates saw success

Coach Silvana Choy took over the role of former girls’ and boys’ swimming coach Peter Bologna as a result of his new position as Stuyvesant’s Athletic Director.

and neck with Brooklyn Tech swimmer Gary Pesola. But during the final stretch, Wen just barely separated himself from Pesola, out-touching him by 1.37 seconds. His close victory was one of many that fueled the Pirates to capture the PSAL championship over Brooklyn Tech by a score of 55-42.

The Pirates had a dominant season, going undefeated and winning the championship for the second straight year.

Last year, the Pirates were able to beat Susan Wagner High School by a score of 60-38.

The team’s success can mainly be attributed to its multitude of quality swimmers who were able to dominate many of their respective events. Juniors Andrew Chopey and Axel Tolpina placed first and second, respectively, for the 200-yard Individual Med-

9

able to keep the team afloat.

“There is a tremendous amount of talent on the team.

Juniors Wen and Roudnitsky are just two examples of swimmers who played an instrumental role in our success, scoring points in their individual events and winning relays. I can confidently say this season was one of our strongest seasons yet, and even our rivals Brooklyn Tech could not match the breadth of talent our team is composed of,” senior and co-captain Derek Tran said.

The second major hurdle for the Pirates this season was a coaching change. Coach Silvana Choy took over the role of former girls’ and boys’ swimming coach Peter Bologna as a result of his new position as Stuyvesant’s Athletic Director. This replacement was un-

individually as well, sending seven swimmers to the state championship this year, a notable increase from sending just one last year. Sophomore Kai Yamamoto, one of the seven state championship competitors, was critical to the Pirates’ success, coming first in the 100-yard breaststroke while also contributing to the team’s victories in two relay events. Among the other swimmers sent to the state championships were Tolpina and Roudnitsky, who were crucial to the team’s championship win against Brooklyn Tech.

Given the team’s continued success this season, Lai is highly optimistic for the team’s future. “If our underclassmen stay committed to the sport and the team, we can defeat [Brooklyn] Tech for years to come,” Lai said.

Boys’ Tennis, Hudson River Park @ 4:00, vs Hunter College High School

10 Tuesday

11

Boys’ Lacrosse, Randall’s Island Field 70 @ 4:00, vs Midwood High School

Wednesday Baseball, Pier 40 @ 4:00, vs Newtown High School

11

Wednesday Boys’ Volleyball, Stuyvesant @ 4:30, vs High School for Math, Science, and Engineering

12

Thursday

Softball, Pier 40 @ 4:00, vs Manhattan Center for Science and Math

13 Friday

Girls’ Fencing, Stuyvesant @ 4:30, vs Millenium High School

The Spectator ● March 29, 2018

Page 21

Editorials THE FASCISTS • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Sophia Watwood pot(tery class) Weed (be sad if she wasn’t here) Cant spel How did they get this job angery disaster bi [p]Resident gay Jane Rhee Rheely smart Wrote 99.9 percent of the roasts here Quietly shook a lot Queen of Stuyvesant Undercover savage Resting nausea face Hates half of y’all and is very good at hiding it “Goes” to fencing practice syMPhOnIc orCHeSTrA Has to deal with Jeremy

BA&E • • • • • • • • •

• • • • •

William Lohier

Tag Urself: Spec Editors • •

• • • • •

with Speech kids from Florida Jane’s favorite smol sophomore Really tiny!! Where is he even!! Can you see him I can’t!!!!!

Emily Xu Better than you Dresses better than you also Ai Weiwei Wears reflective glasses so that you can catch your own BS Thick thighs save lives

FART • • • • • • • •

“Oh… ” Exclusively wears gray sweatpants Always confused Will call out your BS Cares the most and the least at the same time (somehow) Brings five course meal to class every day DISSECTS KIT KATS Writing his bad novel Absolute savage and does not gaf

•

Thomas Chen Serves looks across the room during class Warby Parker glasses Debatably better than older sister Perpetually judging you and all of your life decisions In love

•

• • •

• • • •

Klaire Geller Literally so smol and angry Egg Everyone’s favorite Is shook by words that start with b and end in t and mean cow excretion Bad taste in memes Disgusting taste in puns “I need professional help” “U need professional help” Could spit in your face and still make it passiveaggressive Anika Hashem Good at art GHOST Hears “you’re in my class???” 22 times a week, seven days a week Darren Liang Actually the sweetest Inspirational five minute long English speeches Prefaces every message with a “Good morning!”

Probably sleeps with stuffed animals Will die without

emojis

BUSY-NESS • • • •

Stacey Xue Sophomore Actually a junior Music god(dess) Where are our windbreakers (and bucket hats)

COP[Y]ING MECHANISMS • • • • • • •

• • • • • • • • •

FEATURES • • •

Archi Das Better than u But quietly and politely “Awww, thanks”

• • •

Amy Huang Just happy to be here Ready to work Cute butt

• • •

Amanda Peng Underappreciated Gorgeous (see above) Actually works

HUMOR

Michelle Lai

Literally the most extra “I’m failing!”

Gossips over voice messages instead of texts so that you can’t screenshot Will tag you in 56 memes a day 18 existential crises an hour Keeps tally of times she says “I wanna kms” Needs to get some balls ASAP

Jonela Malollari Expletives Will fight you for literally no reason Your mom too Acts like she doesn’t care but lowkey holds the entire paper together Needs to come to terms with her love for Jane Top vibes Jeanette Cheung Rly buff legs Sells brownies during class Makes underappreciated memes

• • •

• • • • •

Kerwin Chen George Shey (colorized) Conveniently misses all messages telling him to edit because he “gets home so late” Relies on Michael Xu to run his department for him Gabrielle Umanova “HAHAHAHAHAHA” Yung Michael Xu Doesn’t know how the Disrespectator works Is very grateful that the EICs wrote half of the humor articles this issue You don’t invade Russia in the winter!!!

LAYOUT

•

Katie Wu “Oh my God!” Screams for five minutes Is immediately completely over it Does layout work during APENG Sandler’s fav ;)

• • •

Dahae Choi Smol Tall tho “Wait wdym”

• • • •

Christina Tan • Smol • In an emotional and physical sense • Trying very hard • Big glasses, big smile (small <3) •

OLDS George Shey • Sells BETTER brownies during class • “Uhh...what?”

• “Oh…. I’ll write that down…”

• Doesn’t care and makes sure everyone knows it • COLLEGE • Nishmi Abeyweera • Dropped Spec class to take another AP • The other half of the News Department a.k.a the Work Aversion Department • COLLEGE • Probably knows your average

OPINIONS Eliza Spinna • Tries to befriend Artem • food erryday but shares it so its okay • d i s t i n c t i v e laugh • “I disagree” • “I mean but like… can’t we be vicious and angry in ops articles? I mean we are ATTACCing something” • “ W O O O O O SPEC OPS”

• • • • • •

Lowkey COLLEGE Artem Ilyanok Has to hide from William Resident conservative “Like the spec ops post” Awkwardly fields side eyes from every other person on the board

[DOESN’T TAKE] PHOTO • • • • • • •

Elena Sapelyuk Dresses better than you could ever dream Brings coffee to class just to spill it all over the floor (twice!)

Big hair is full of secrets Just kidding she cut it Literally the entire photo department Ting Ting Chen Tries to sneak fruit into class Chronic cutter of Citron’s class

Catherine Yu New so we will spare you <3 Zoe Oppenheimer Also new so spared <3

SPROTS • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Celina Liu Who? Lobster Jeremy Rubin Is actually the “you know i had to do it to ‘em” dude Talks about baseball all of the time but doesn’t actually? go? to? practice?

Wholesome Has the fakest laugh “Aw, buddy” Cucumber Is *that* Facebook group asker “SHUT UP” —Ray Jones “Stfu” —Jane Rhee Gives Jane the most stress Ariel Melendez

Always cutting class (?)

Literally cannot spell anything except foosball Is the most useless after Jeremy Watwood’s fav tho ;;)) Watches March Madness on the floor during class Questionable fashion sense because he’s so stressed Private newsboy to his teachers

WEEBS • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •

Jason Lin Actually competent Knows how to code Went to Jason Kao’s house to “drink beer” Highkey schemes Wants to kiss Emily’s socks Jerry Ye Sleeps negative 5 hours Leaks whiteboard with the Wellness Council Can hail a rescue helicopter from a remote island with all of his hand gestures COLLEGE MY AVERAGE Makes inspirational health posts Darius Jankauskas unappreciated Wholesome wears tight shirts does job tall

Page 22

The Spectator ● March 29, 2018

Disrespectator Could You Be Suffering from Post-SING! Depression?

What are the symptoms of post-SING! depression?

Though post-SING! depression initially only affects a small

Extreme insomnia from the voices in your head singing the Spirit Song on repeat, but even more out-of-tune than the real thing. Patients often report having sore throats the following morning, most likely from unconsciously squawking along to the tunes once they fall asleep.

Sudden panic attacks in the middle of study sessions. Even though SING! might be over, you can still hear the echoes of your directors’ criticism of your performance in your head. These at-

tacks can last anywhere between two to five hours, depending on how long your meetings were.

Loss of appetite. Most patients suffering from post-SING! depression refuse any food given to them except for snack-size bags of Cheez-Its. Though this doesn’t provide any nutritional sustenance, patients often insist that the Cheez-Its are adequate nourishment, mirroring their diets from SING! practice.

While these are the most general signs of students suffering from post-SING! depression, it is crucial to report any cases early, lest more serious symptoms arise.

Such symptoms include: -

Severe dehydration, which

UNlikely Letters

By DANIEL KNOPF With college acceptance season right around the corner, some students have begun to receive letters from colleges telling them that they’re definitely going to be accepted, also known as likely letters. At the same time, however, some students have started to receive a different type of college letter, called an unlikely letter. The Spectator has managed to acquire a few of said letters by screenshotting p e o p l e’s finstas, and will now share them here.

poverty was like,” was the most awful thing this commision has read since the Senior SING! Spectator review.”

“Dear Ms. Holly Steec, We at Stanford University are contacting you because after reading your essay

“To Mr. Reese Sinned,

At Columbia University we want a student body made up of well-rounded students. Unfortunately, it seems that your entire personality revolves around the track team, so we cannot accept you.”

“Dear Ms. Parentsdonatedalibrary Smith, You seem like a perfect fit for Vassar College, but since we’re obligated to reject a few perfect fits to keep everyone else on edge, you got the ax. It be like that sometimes. Have fun pondering why you didn’t get in when y o u ’r e 37 and having a

“Dear Mr. Sal Tee, While we here at Princeton University are usually honored by all the students w h o choose to apply to our school, your application was of such actively terrible writing quali t y that we feel slightly h u r t that you thought you were good enough for us. Your essay, titled, “I traveled to a third world country and discovered what true

mand of the English language, the public education system must be dead.”

every member of the a d misAlyson Lin / The Spectator s i on s committee was in tears. Not because your story was touching, but because based on your com-

midlife crisis and then inevitably blaming it on affirmative action but in a lowkey way because you don’t want people to think you’re racist because you’re not you have that one black friend. Sincerely, Vassar.”

Dear “Avid” “Spectator” “ReadBy Michael Xu Though the banner at the very front of our paper may claim that this is the Disrespectator issue, I, as your moralistic former humor editor, must publicly reveal the deep conspiracy that the humor department has orchestrated.

As you may have noticed, none of the pages here start off with the disclaimer about libel and slander. And the most keeneyed of you all may have realized that this issue was not released on April 1—naturally, no pranks can be played on any of the other 364 days. This issue, indeed, is completely factual. The benevolent humor department helped out News with actually producing content.

Some of you might still hold

your suspicions. “Really, a chiropractor on the 11th floor?!” you might be thinking. Have you ventured up to the 11th floor recently? If not, you might want to pay a visit up there.

To our diehard humor fans, we wanted to apologize for our lack of humor content. The entire Spectator board was lost without our guidance as well.

After all, no one would ever pick up The Spectator if humor were not in it.

So please, enjoy this issue front-to-back (or just casually leave it on the bridge where a pile of Spectators is growing). You’re reading real news that’s been thoroughly fact-checked. You’re going to become a more educated and intellectual scholar.

Impress your teachers with what you read here. They’ll certainly

be surprised by your knowledge.

appears more commonly in patients in their junior year.

Though most patients deny any knowledge of the cause of said dehydration, the streaks of dried tears on their cheeks tell a different story.

Late-stage patients often enter fits of mania, identified by the glassy-eyed stares and nonstop chanting of “Hey hey, ho ho, [insert grade] SING! just stole the show!” If left untreated, the patient’s vocabulary will eventually deteriorate to only speaking variations of this sentence.

After looking through these symptoms, if you or a loved one appears to be suffering from post-SING! depression, seek professional medical help im-

Student Twists the Truth at PTC

By Angelique Charles-Davis Kevin’s hands were sweating violently in the pockets of his Supreme sweater, not because the school heaters were working, but rather because it was the morning of Parent Teacher Conferences. His parents were coming, and he was planning on being a good son, as he was exploiting their immigrant background and betraying the trust in him they had built up over the years by mistranslating his teachers’ comments. It was petty, but admittedly, Kevin was at the point where he would literally kill a man for two points of extra credit in bio. And besides, he already attended a ‘disgraced’ school.

Your son is struggling in my class.

Your son is alive and thriving in this class.

I have caught your son on his phone multiple times.

Your son makes excellent use of the technology available to him.

Your son spends too much time talking to his friends.

Your son thrives off of interaction, and is able to find true, pure, human connection every day in class, while I also happen to be teaching.

Your son has been known to fall asleep in class.

Your son is most alert, and does his best work when his eyes are closed and he is facedown.

He hands in homework late.

You’re reading real news that’s been thoroughly fact-checked.

mediately. WebMD recommends looking into getting a medical marijuana card—just tell them your symptoms, and walk right out!

Lynne Wang / The Spectator

SING! season’s over, and now you’re feeling down in the dumps. With forty-five “accidental” class cuts this week and a heap of yet-to-be signed absence notices that say nothing but “super sick” on them, you just can’t seem to be motivated enough to attend classes. If these symptoms sound suspiciously like what you’ve been having for the past two weeks, you might be experiencing the effects of acute post-SING! Depression!

[All information sourced from WebMD.]

portion of the school population, it can spread rather quickly if left unchecked. Here are the first warning signs that you might be suffering from post-SING! Depression:

He operates on his own unique clock, and thus transcends the idea of mortal time and space and bends time to his own will. He is practically a god.

Who knows what “methods” he has been using to develop this transcendentalism. ed.

Essays are handed in unedit-

He hands in work that is raw and unfiltered, that are masterpieces of alternative spellings and grammar.

Your son doesn’t pay attention in class.

Your son’s mind is like a wandering traveler lost in the desert for six months, but never fear, he has an unquenchable thirst for knowledge.

On our most recent test, your son barely passed.

A pass is a pass.

Your son’s average is in danger.

His average is somewhere in the high 100s and is super-duper stable.

Your son is not “highly motivated and cooperative.”

He stopped, unsure of how to translate this.

Your son is not a cow.

Initially, Kevin had been concerned that his mother’s reactions would tip off the teacher to his scheme. But never fear, his mother’s impossibly high standards kept her from revealing him.

Annie He / The Spectator

By Tony Moh

The Spectator ● March 29, 2018

Page 23

Disrespectator The Sassy Leprechaun

By Laura Ilioaei A junior stood at the edge of the TriBeCa bridge, her stare blank and her shoulders slumped in academic defeat. She held a failed examination in her hand that dripped with enough crimson ink for it to be a symbol of murder, the killer of her average.

A few periods earlier, when she’d begged her teacher to curve her grade, they drew a cursive F on the page in silent reply.

Tears of shame cascaded down her cheeks and rolled down the steps, creating a waterfall.

Not even the supernatural world could ignore this display of vulnerability, regardless of whether its members cared about the affairs of humanity or not. One member’s lips curled upwards in a smirk. Indeed, not even she could ignore such a cry for help.

No, not she.

A ray of light struck the waterfall. The tears evaporated slightly

before condensing midair, creating a rainbow staircase that led to the skies. It was infused with an aura of enticement, and it was visible and accessible to the junior and the junior alone. With a sniffle, she made her ascent.

When she finished, she was greeted with a pinch.

“OUCH!” The junior exclaimed. “oUcH!” The pincher mimicked the junior’s tone, only with a pitch that was several octaves higher. “It’s the day before Saint Patrick’s, and you’re not even wearing a speck of green.”

“Well,” the junior huffed, wagging her finger vertically at the pincher. “At least I don’t look like a clover field.”

“Then call me your FOURLEAF CLOVER field, because you’re in luck.” The pincher’s glassy, grass-green eyes glittered, and a metal cauldron materialized in her hands. The inside

of it shimmered with something otherworldly. The junior gasped.

“You’re a leprechaun!” She paused for a moment, before narrowing her eyes in skepticism. “Wait, no you’re not. You’re a fraud. Where’s your gold?”

The leprechaun nearly froze.

She had frivolously spent all of her life’s savings, maxed out her overdraft, and then some long before she even knew of the junior’s existence. The consequence of such spending was that she’d need to dedicate a portion of her time tending to the call of mortals in their times of ultimate vulnerability. It was said to be work that was more emotionally taxing than anything that existed in the Underworld, and the leprechaun could now see why. She had underestimated the possibility of finding someone as clever as she.

Her only saving grace was that humans were incapable of

conjuring leprechaun-level wit at the same speed. Especially not when the human in question was down in the dumps. The leprechaun swayed and cooed, “Ah, but gold isn’t what you really need now, is it? Knowledge is true wealth.” She snatched the exam away from the junior. “I’m sure you’re one of those ‘humble braggers,’ saying that you failed when really you got an ninet—” The leprechaun stopped talking mid-way, and her jaw dropped. “Wow. I mean, physics is a painful subject, but I guess Harmonics really Hertz. No wonder your SOUL was crying out all the way to the supernatural world—” The junior snatched the cauldron from the leprechaun’s hands in impatience, but was baffled when the leprechaun merely stood still and smirked.

“What? You’re not even going to TRY to get this back?” The junior tried to sound aggressive,

but her voice quivered. The leprechaun’s smirk became a wide, toothy smile. She began to giggle, before her laugh thundered in the skies.

“Too late!” The leprechaun exclaimed. “The transaction has already been made.”

“Huh?” “Indeed, knowledge is power,” the leprechaun circled around the junior. “But, it is also a burden. That burden is more than enough compensation for your knowledge if you’re unable to handle it.”

And with that, the junior was pushed off the rainbow, and teleported back to the TriBeCa bridge. A pain coursed through her body, making her soul ache and her mind age gracelessly.

It was the knowledge the leprechaun had promised: “Don’t study MORE, study MORE EFFICIENTLY, ya fool.”

By Angelique Charles-Davis We’ve all been there. Maybe you had five projects and 69 tests the next day, and you had to pull an all-nighter. Maybe you had to write a Humor article for the Disrespectator. No matter what it was (except it’s probably the latter), you’ve just extracted your head from the Atlantic Ocean of Drool to find your teacher standing over you.

When they sternly ask why you look like you’ve been KO-ed, try telling them: • “Actually, I was attempting to examine the graffiti on this table. Have you seen this freshman’s freestyle? I’ve never seen male anatomy drawn so intricately. Also, the prose is beyond inspirational, I mean ‘I only love my bed and my momma, I’m sorry’ can have so many meanings.”

•“No, you’re asleep.”

•“I spent the last two minutes blinking.”

•“Hey, Pret wouldn’t let me

add five extra espresso shots to my coffee, since I’d probably get a heart attack. I had to settle for eight ounces of pure caffeine and a side of drowsiness rather than cardiac arrest.”

•“My dog ate my homework.

That’s also why I don’t have my homework.”

•“Robotics build season.”

•“SING! season.”

•“[Insert competitive club/ team here] season.”

•*to music* “I’m only humaaaaaaan!”

•“I’m conducting a biology experiment on the reactions of salivary amylase and whatever this junk is on the table. I’ll show you my finished scholarly article in six weeks.”

•“I’m pondering the meaning of life and American values in a modern world…that is what we study in Freshman Comp, right?”

•“Didn’t Ms. Garber ever explain to you the importance of meditation?”

•“I’m not going to be a pawn of the establishment. I’m putting the whole system on the line

Aries Ho / The Spectator

How To Convince Your Teacher That You Weren’t Falling Asleep

here. Do you see? This is an act of rebellion!”

•“The answer is choice C!” •“Did you know that all of my note-less binder paper acts as a

perfect pillow?”

•“My mother’s aunt’s twiceremoved cousin’s planaria died last night, and I’ve been up all night crying. The funeral’s to-

morrow, by the way—will you be going?”

•“This isn’t a dream, is it?”

•“( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)”

Teacher Warning Calls

By Daniel Knopf Cutting class or using your phone in school can result in disastrous penalties if you’re caught by a teacher, but luckily The Spectator has provided a list of warning calls to help alert your fellow students of a teacher’s presence.

Notice: The Stuyvesant Specta-

tor does not condone any of the aforementioned activities and is in no way trying to facilitate the purposeful (or accidental) engagement in any violation of school policies. It has always been the belief of The Spectator that any students using cellular devices in the hallways of our glorious building before 3:50

p.m. should be burned at the stake. Additionally: heTay dministrationAay sIay lwaysAay atchingWay sUay Chouberalian: Chouby dooby dooooo!

Moran: The egg is hatching!

Wang: Concept not clear!

Simon: Hey hey, ho ho, Señor

Simón just stole the show!

Markova: Stalin lives!

Tillman: The Tillyman approaches!

Chang: First period cycling!

Waxman: Oy vey!

Gorla: **FRANTICALLY WAVE BATHROOM SYMBOL** Garber: I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!

Sandler: Good SAT word Avallone: hmmHMM Brockman: igsPay atinLay Coco: The Greeks are coming!

Maggio: No eating in the theater!

(Or, alternatively, one very loud “HA”)

Biography of a Stuy Student

By Angelique Charles-Davis Your Typical Stuy Student (YTSS) was born in New York, Canada, on August 14, 2002, to a mother and also a father. Once she reached the age of four, YTSS’s family packed up and moved to New York, USA, where her father took a teaching position at New York University. As a child, YTSS was known for living up to her French name: she was simply angelic. By the age of 10, many had begun referring to her as Angel. She played well with the other children, kept her room tidy, earned a 107 average in middle school, fed the home-

less with her own lunch money, adopted all the stray cats, and showered her parents with love and adoration at every possible moment. Close relatives say that every morning YTSS would rise from her unruffled sheets, sigh, and say, “Ah, how beautiful this world is.”

Along came high school.

It was during this period that YTSS’s parents lost sight of their daughter. This occurred quite literally, since her features were largely obscured by pimply redness. The physical woes were only the beginning, however. Her devolution into rebellion started with a few random outbursts (It’s not a phase, Mom!), followed by

a bit of peer pressure from the wrong crowd (ALL the cool kids do drugs, you say?), until finally her world spiraled into petty crime fueled by the sole fact that her parents would never understand her art. By the middle of freshman year, YTSS had begun to regularly ingest cocaine, marijuana, LSD, PCP, ABC, and XYZ all at once while also drunk and wearing a tube top. She jumped down from her 138th floor apartment window every night at ungodly hours to sneak to friends’ houses, and smoked an average of 48 cigarette packs a day between periods of cutting important college-application bulking classes that were required for

graduation. It was also during these essential character-building hours that YTSS crafted her 138-page masterpiece: “Angst and Thunder: The Pain of She Who is Misunderstood.” By March of sophomore year YTSS had successfully drawn graffiti on every public restroom in NoHo, stolen two cars, and conceived two sets of triplets; she was 45 percent certain she was pregnant with her third. Directly after conceiving the third set of triplets, YTSS used her fake ID to tattoo her entire chest with a picture of the Antichrist. She had felt like it. Relatives report that when her parents would beg her to abandon her toxic habits,

she would flip her long, blonde, crimped hair, sigh, and say, “Lol omg hahah ttyl brb SOS no.”

Regretfully, YTSS passed away on April 1, 2018, from an apparently accidental plummet from her 138th floor apartment.

Many believe her last words to have been “I literally can’t even,” but these reports are unconfirmed. She is survived by her nine children: Rose, Sage, Orchard, Needle, Haystack, Bush, Shrub, Hunter, and Gatherer.

They, along with the rest of the country, greatly mourn this loss.

It is clear that on February 7, heaven took in a new Angel.

Page 24

The Spectator ● March 29, 2018

Disrespectator An Article With Just About Every Humor Cliché, Ever

By Laura Ilioaei Forget the fallacy that was the 2012 prophecy; I knew it was the end of the world when it was Disrespectator season and I had absolutely no idea what to write about. I trudged to school, more moody than a freshman in her first semester after her average drops about ten points (give or take a little or a load) and she begins to question her life in its entirety. I peeked over at the breakfast carts to see if any drama was unfolding, if there was anything worth writing about. But no, I only saw zombies—erm, I mean, Stuyvesant students— purchasing cups of inexpensive drinkable petrol— erm, I mean, buying coffee— by the gallon. Typical.

The peers behind me gave me a look that was half amusement and half annoyance when I swiped my MetroCard in place of my school ID as I entered the building. (What? Have we forgotten that attempting to be “the ultimate scholar” entails some degree of sleep deprivation and brain fog that robs

you of all common sense in exchange for book smarts forgotten after the examination that they’re intended for is taken?)

However, there were other peers who noticed that they were about to make the same mistake, and in trying to locate their IDs they exposed the liters of caffeine that they were trying to smuggle into the building.

Walking away from that coffee catastrophe behind me, I tripped up the escalator steps as I heard that familiar buzzer noise that rings when some fool pulls the emergency break.

Given that there’s a fool like that at every escalator, nearly every one of the moving staircases was functioning as efficiently as they usually do. But, given that I’ve been here for three years already, I figured that the added strength in my legs have helped me carry the world’s burden on my shoulders, giving me the illusion of feeling like a female Atlas.

On my way to class, I almost thought that I saw one of the world’s several natural wonders: The Leaning Tower of Pisa. But

after rubbing my crusty eyeglasses and even crustier eyes, I beheld the sight of a freshman wobbling with their oversized freshman backpack in tow.

Their eyes were clouded with broken idealism and stubborn ambition.

I considered that the freshie was just being extra, but when I left class, I saw several juniors collapsed on top of one another, all of them covered by a thick blanket of Barrons’ books that were evidently for the AP courses they’d overloaded on.

(They offer AP Ballroom now? Time to waltz my way into the Phys Ed office.)

Maybe this is the point where I introduce something admirable about the sophomores’ approaches at academic success. But this is an article on Stuyvesant clichés, and all that can be said about Stuy sophomores is that there is a reason why sophomores don’t even get their own SING! group: they are irrelevant (and easily offended so catch me avoiding underclassmen once this issue comes out).

I was about to pull my phone out to quickly message my closest friend over some random nonsense that would not mean anything in the next period, but I felt a presence looming overhead. Literally. I looked up screeched when I saw that the school deans were assessing the area with BINOCULARS. The person in front of me turned around, and I recognized them as a sage second-term senior who still gave an eff: a former Spec editor. Embarrassed, I knew that explaining that the deans were secretly spying on everyone would make me look more irrational than ℼ, so I immediately diverted their attention from that by blurting out: “I need some inspiration for my Humour article.”

“Humor,” he corrected.

“No, ‘Humour.’ Because I need u.”

He shrugged. “Don’t overthink it; the charm of Humor is in the fact that it’s ironically devoid of any actual humor.” I expressed my disapproval with a scowl. He racked his mind for a different response. “Just write

something about the 11th floor pool?”

“Oh my f—— God, if I hear ONE more reference to the 11th floor pool, I’m—” “The 11th floor pool,” whispered my current editor as she materialized from nothingness.

She edged closer to my ear. “It’s the topic that never gets old.”

Terrified at both her sudden appearance and the idea of resorting to such an overused Humor trope, I almost screamed again. But, my alarm clock beat me to it.

I shot up in bed in a cold sweat. This was all just a dream?

I felt around my desk in the darkness and located my laptop. I had several drafts for the Disrespectator. Hell, there was an even greater miracle: it was a snow day. I fell back on my bed.

“Oh, phew!” I sighed in relief, before I realized that I fell for the worst Humor cliche of all: being that writer dedicating her very essence to Spec.

Student Sets Up Chiropractic Office on 11th Floor

By Michael Xu Thirty students are waiting in the bright, airy office of Dr. Anta Noor. They come with a variety of maladies, but most of them are seeking relief for their sore backs, the product of schlepping backpacks containing Muji notebooks, English texts, and 17 AP prep books.

Dr. Noor can be found on the 11th floor of the school. To get to her office, patients must enter their 4-digit ID on the buttons of the elevators and slip their copay through a crack in the elevator roof tiles. The 4-digit helps Noor determine the cost of the copay: seniors pay $15, juniors pay $20, and sophomores and freshmen pay $25.

The office is truly luxurious, with harbor views, massage chairs, and a cappuccino machine in the receptionist room.

Noor vented, “Sometimes SU bigwigs come up here when they run out of their precious caffeine. They never actually have appointments since they don’t carry any books to school anyway.”

Noor credits new Assistant Principal Gary Haber for giving her the inspiration to open her office. “It turns out that Dr. Gary Haber, D.C., wasn’t a proud Washingtonian, but actually is a Doctor of Chiropractic,” Noor kidded.

After learning about the field of chiropractic, Noor saw the bowed backs of her fellow classmates in a brand-new (and

money-laden) way. She decided to fast-track her budding medical education, signing up for a two-day program with extensive chiropractic learning, a residency, and a 100 percent money-back guarantee.

A week later, she was hanging up her diploma from Harvard Medical School at her new office. “I don’t think the Sharpied name on the diploma bothers any of my patients,” Noor insisted. “Most of them stop after seeing ‘Harvard.’”

Noor employs three secretaries to help her manage the receptionist room. “I used to be a $5 halal cart kind of guy, but now I’m dining at Whole Foods,” said one recent hire. “Did I mention that I also sell my classmates’ information to Facebook? Oh, and

I do labs.”

Fahim Rahman / The Spectator

Noor begins every appoint-

ment with a recommendation for surgery for every patient.

“Surgery is profitable. College is very expensive.

Perform surgeries,” reads an anonymouslysourced motivational quote on her desk.

Students coming in with a mild headache are immediately anesthetized and their entire spines then carved open.

Noor won’t reveal her exact procedure though, insisting that she only serves paying customers.

She was heard screaming at the secretaries from the operating room: “Gimme one of those damn blood transfusions from the blood drive on the 1st floor before this son-of-a-gun dies.”

Dr. Noor is not on Yelp or Google, but she keeps a so-called “guestbook”, where patients are

encouraged to write (positive) comments. She threatens to perform a second surgery if a patient writes anything borderline negative.

“Dr. Noor is just incredible,” wrote senior Daniel Ju. “I think she managed to successfully extract the nerves that let me feel my legs, arms, and back. I don’t feel anything anymore, but I’m also cured of my back pain.” Her patients also thank her profusely for the signed cut note she gives after performing surgery.

Noor has had her fair share of difficulties, though. A recent exposé suggested a link between Noor and a ring of seniors who bully freshmen pulling rolly backpacks. She was caught giving homework to the ring; a taped conversation revealed that she ordered the seniors to glue the wheels of the rollies. She also developed a program with Herschel and Fjallraven to have students exchange their rollys for “today’s most trendy and practical backpacks.”

Noor hopes that her chutzpah will land her a coveted spot at an eight-year medical program.

“That’s really the endgame with all of this. I don’t think colleges would think this is anything unethical once they see the terrific 22 percent success rate I’ve been getting with my patients,” Noor professed. “Life is about the successes, not the mistakes. Am I right or am I right?”

By Michael Xu Former Secretary of State and ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson (who goes by the hood name “T. Rex”) has announced his latest career change: fossilizing to become oil in a couple hundred thousand years. T. Rex severed relations with ExxonMobil to become Secretary of State, but now as a private citizen, he is once again free to advance the interests of the firm he led for 11 years.

In order to ensure that ExxonMobil will survive in the year 482018, T. Rex is optimizing his chances of becoming oil. He has decided to live out the rest of his days in a naturally-decaying underground bunker. Conveniently located in the geothermally-active Yellowstone Park, this bunker is luxuriously outfitted with several biodegradable posters of Trump with “MORON” graffitied over them.

Fortunately for T. Rex, his plan will be aided by the dys-

function he helped sow in the White House. Without any initiative to locate an underground bunker containing a former Secretary of State, T. Rex will be left alone.

“I have absolutely no intention of profiteering greatly from hosting foreign emissaries in my secret bunker,” T. Rex declared.

“Certainly, I would never divulge confidential State Department information. I have great respect for the president and would not want to sabotage his administra-

tion.”

If all goes to plan, T. Rex will meet the fate of Tyrannosaurus Rexes of the past and— over hundreds of thousands of years—become oil. He beamed as he described his return to the surface: “I will be carried up an oil derrick on glorious ExxonMobil machinery, pumped into a gas tank, and then burned in a fantastic V-12. Forget about my brief support of the Paris Climate Deal—I’m back to oil, baby!”

Annie He / The Spectator

Rex Tillerson’s New Enterprise