Volume 108 107 No. 12 No. 12
HUMORBEAT Principal Eric Contreras, during Open House remarks, mentions his pride for Stuyvesant students 18 times, down 35 from last year and 83 in 2016. Rodda John (‘17) drops out of college to run Stuy Open Houses. Dr. Anna Markova takes over Wellness Council, waterboards student leaders with vegetable smoothies, and forces them to do Slavic exercises, reports World Health Organization.
Disrespectator content on pages 1-4 and 21-24
Copy Hall of Fame By Jeanette Cheung, Michelle Lai, and Jonela Malollari Note: The following excerpts were selected from real applications. Q: Why do you want to join Copy? A: “(Humble brag, I swear)”
I try very hard to make sure everything is perfect just so I don’t get irritated.” It is very irritating to us when there are small mistakes that slip through the applicant’s hands in a Copy application, even if they are as small as putting a space before a comma or putting two spaces between words.
Walkie-talkies banned after they are clinically proven to induce inflated egos and corruption in student leaders. Students asked to pay service fee to guidance counselors after repeal of SSR neutrality. The 2018 Pulitzer Prize for Investigative Reporting is awarded to the New York Post for uncovering a Spectator article on cheating at Stuyvesant. Junior sues ARISTA Executive Council for wasting his time with new volunteering requirement.
Jeremy Rubin goes to baseball practice.
stuyspec.com
March 29, 2018
A: “I want to join copy because during the interest meeting, it spoke to be.” God spoke to be, too.
A: “I want to read some of the articles before they come out. Maybe my grammar will improve too.” Yuh. Mayb.
A: “It is very irritating to me when there are small mistakes that slip through everyone’s hands in a piece of writing, even if it is as tiny as putting a space before a comma accidentally , or putting in a colon instead of semicolon. So not only is it fun for me, but
A: “Grammar errors make me cringe, especially if it has anything to do with it’s words that sound that same but are different.” Grammar errors make us cringe, especially when they have to do with improper usage of its and
it’s. A: “I dislike it when people use long-winded sentences or incorrect grammar and punctuation to make their points. It make sense to channel that into something useful.” Your long-winded [redacted] isn’t useful or sensical, but here you are.
overlooked by a sleep-deprived Stuy student.” We shed loud tears. A: “I once got a 28 on the ACT English, and that’s above average for the nation soooooooooooooo” Hmu when your [redacted] reaches the nation average
A: “Perhaps it is more accurate saying that bad grammar and wording hurts my OCD.” Perhaps it is more accurate to say that your answer hurts OUR OCD.
Q: How can you contribute to Copy? A: “I don’t know how I can contribute to Copy in terms of editing skills. I feel like I can contribute to Copy with my personality though.” Oh worm?
A: “When I peer edit an essay in class, I mark that baby up!” If you hear a knock on your door in a few days, don’t be alarmed, it’s just ACS.
Q: What’s one thing that makes you unique? A: “I like the smell of Windex.” Is that a better alternative to tide pods?
A: “I see the destruction of imperfection and holy light fills me. Through this purge, I ascend to the absolute, the ultimate. Grammar.” anyone in this thread smoke weed?
A: “I’ve accidentally killed all the fish I’ve owned.” Don’t feel bad, all grammar freaks make their fish suicidal.
A: “I got some valid grammar.” u cuffed bro? pm A: “It seems really fun!!(?)” (¿)¡¡You seem like a good candidate for the Copy Department!!(?) A: “I shed a silent tear every time I spot a typo in the Spectator,
A: “I do have a weird birthmark on my right leg. It looks like a potato, or possibly the continents of Africa or South America, depending on perspective. If interested in pictures, contact by email.” Can you SEnd more iNformation on Dat? Not that yoU’re accepteD into our dEpartment of Spec if you do. xd
Editors-in-Chief Jane Rhee and Sophie Watwood Resign Because Evan Wong And His Sophomore Football Friends Tell Them To, Freshman Jeremy Rubin Replaces Them As Supreme Overlord Of Corrupt School Newspaper and Fake News Outlet Dear readers, It is with heavy hearts that we announce the resignation of the entire Spectator editorial board, effective immediately. We have always committed ourselves to being the pulse of the student body. But when the heart, sophomore Evan Wong, tells us, “Y’all fake news,” we know it is time to step down. We are more than grateful for the opportunity we have had to publish this paper, and regret only that we could not meet the standards and literary brilliance of Mr. Wong. As he once wrote to us, “Students that read spec is at an all time low! The spectator is a disaster! Bad quality writing and
inaccurate articles. The whole school knows this too. [You] also have incompetent people running the page.” We have heard you loud and clear and can only hope that both competence and favorable coverage of Mr. Wong’s relationship with Ms. Russack will soon return. Sincerely, Jane Rhee and Sophie Watwood P.S. Yes, we did just write this article so that our faces could be on the front page. #SpecisCorrupt