Worst Restaurant EVER!!!!!
A dissatisfied customer writes an enraged Yelp review for a diner.
see page 2
After all the juniors failed the SAT, the Humor Department decided to compile some practice SAT questions.
see page 28
“Is your nickname glucose? ’Cause you’re pretty darn sweet.” —you, unfortunately
You’re still single after cuffing season. You use nerdy biology pickup lines in an attempt to compensate for your lack of reallife chemistry. To make things worse, you went to Google for that pickup line instead of consulting your trusty Spec Humor friends. Lame! Sure, Google has got your back when it comes to homework answers, but rizz? Nah, the poor search engine doesn’t even have a soulmate of its own. But look no further! As seasoned rizzlers, we’re here to help you win people over––using K-dramas.
For starters, if you’re rich AND have L rizz … we’re not really sure what to tell you; you might just be a lost cause. Nevertheless, we are still here to help. Like Kang Tae-moo in
Business Proposal, simply ask your love interest what your love for them and your credit card have in com mon. Confused, they’ll ask what they have in common. Then, smoothly rizz them up by saying, “Both are end less.” That line alone is enough to make them go crazy for you. If this fails, well, that seems like a you problem. You botched the ex ecution of our flaw less strategy. This is a good lesson that money can’t buy you love. But you should still thank us for our efforts by send ing some money to us (donate to our GoFundMe: gofund.me/wewant money)!
For our goodlooking peers, we have exactly the plan for you. We all know the cringe scene in every romance Kdrama where the soon-tobe couple eats ramen at
one of their houses. It has a 100 percent rizz rate, meaning you should attempt
you as spouse material and fall helplessly in love with you. That is, if you can get them to come over. If they refuse, don’t be discouraged! They can’t play hard-to-get in the trunk of your car. Even if you’re not as hot as us (who is, really?), there’s still hope.
If you want someone who actually cares about your personality––barf––then look no further than True Beauty for advice.
The main character, Jugyeong, doesn’t have enough confidence in her looks but still shows her face to her crush, Suho, and rizzes him up.
Stuyvesant has decided to introduce a new two-semester elective next year called “Basic Social Skills and Interactions” to help prepare students for the real world.
In honor of April Fools, teachers unanimously decide not to give students extra credit for the International Women’s Day Run
desired one over for ramen and show off your cooking skills by boiling water and putting noodles in the pot. Impressed, they’ll see
For context, Suho is hot and cares about personality (gross). If you want Jugyeong’s rizz, all you need to do is show your subpar face to the Suho in your life, watch him leave you and go to Japan
continued on page 4
“...Where am I?”
You look around to find yourself trapped in a wooden cage—oddly similar to the one from SophFrosh SING!—with 26 other Stuyvesant students. A huge, dilapidated sign hangs haphazardly outside the cage’s imposing frame, reading, “The 20-meter PACER test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start.” The cage is completely covered by a giant black curtain; no one can see anything beyond the sign.
Just as you are about to question what is going on, a hideous screeching sound fills the cage. For a moment, you wonder if you really are in SING!, and junior band has just started to play.
*static* “Welcome to the—”
BEEP! Everyone jumps as a fake warning bell cuts off the announcement. The announcer, sounding mildly annoyed, continues:
*static* “Welcome to Stuyvesant’s very own Hun-
gry Games! In this game, you will have to survive as long as possible while also trying to assassinate—ahem, I mean, outsmart your fellow students with physics textbooks, chalk dust, and any other dangerous items you can find in the building! The cafeteria pizza is off-limits, however—no bioweapons. I will be busy gathering supplies for the supply drop, which will be relevant later. In the meantime, let the games begin! And have a thriving Thursday, Stuy!”
THUD!!! The cage is suddenly enveloped in a thick, white fog. Though you hear the walls of the cage collapse, you cannot see anything.
A minute later, the fog dissipates, revealing the Sophomore Bar, which looks suspiciously normal. The floor isn’t damp? There are no abandoned personal items that should be reported to a TSA employee immediately? Everyone looks around at each other in silence and uncertainty.
It’s a tall girl with black hair and a pair of spectacles, along with intense
freshman energy (i.e. proper Physical Education attire), who speaks first: “Don’t panic, everyone! I found a pen in my pocket so if we find some paper we can create a paper airplane to signal for help—”
She suddenly falls to the ground, revealing the person behind her, who is aggressively grasping the most dangerous of the writing utensils—a red pen. A crudely-drawn, red Among Us character can be seen on the victim’s back. Those sussy eyes…
BEEP! The bell is so loud that even when you cover your ears, it still sounds like a FNaF jumpscare. “Intelligent Freshman was stabbity-stabbed by a Hello Kitty pen. Twenty-six remain.” Pandemonium ensues as people scatter faster than News writers running from their Spec deadlines. You start running as fast as you can to the nearest classroom. The only thing on your mind is getting your hands on a weapon. You run to the English hallway and try every door, but they are all locked. You can hear blood-
curdling screams from the escalators—
BEEP! “League Gamer attempted to perform Ultimate Attack and fell down the escalator. Valorant Tryhard threw his phone after losing a match, but the phone bounced back and hit his head. Twentyfour remain.”
In a flurry of panic, you run into the Hudson stairwell, past the couple casually making out in this time of crisis (mating instincts kick in when the world is ending), and make your way to the first floor. By some miracle, the exit doors open, but the wailing sound they make is more than enough to deter you from walking through them.
*static* “BOO! Did I scare ya?”
You swear that the second you get your hands on this rambling buffoon, you are going to sentence them to a full year of Genetics Research.
Suddenly, the ground rumbles as dust falls onto you from above. The air fills with a familiar smell… Is that Spicy Shin Ramen?!
Morning Announcer wishes the school a “Woeful Wednesday” and is never heard from again.
With prices on the rise, students are forced to stop their daily coffee and boba purchases, resulting in severe withdrawal symptoms
“Score! Three people died from my explosive ramen trap! Man, I really, really didn’t think Stuy kids would be stupid enough to pick up food from the ground. Also, there are free goodies at the Junior Atrium. Grab them if you dare!”
You start running to the half-floor. If all the rooms are locked, how else are you going to arm yourself?
Heading to the 2-3 escalator in hopes of finding a weapon, you wonder what types of artillery await. A Minecraft Diamond Sword? A 10-Pack of “Inflatable Physics Tests”?
Out of nowhere, a hand grabs your arm. Scared out of your mind, you try to shake it off, but it doesn’t budge. You can hear yourself screaming, but it’s no use. Your assassin’s hair falls straight into your eyes, effectively blinding you. You close your eyes, beginning to accept that maybe, this is the end.
continued on page 2
continued from page 1
Just as she’s about to stab you with her Muji pen, the 2-3 escalator stops and she falls backward, tumbling down the metal steps. But before you can steal the pen from her hand, she turns red and disappears in a puff of pixelated smoke, in classic Minecraft fashion.
BEEP! “Block Game Player hit the ground too hard. Nineteen remain. Also, the 2-3 escalator is broken! It will be out of order until the Spec website is back up—also known as never.”
You don’t have time to process what just happened, or maybe you simply choose not to. Maybe you’re growing to like the fight. Maybe you were born for it. By the time you reach the Junior Atrium, it’s a complete war zone. A makeshift field hospital has been set up, and a modern-day Florence Nightingale in cat maid garb dresses the oozing, inky wound of a ghastly pale sophomore. A competitor chases after at least five other people, an overflowing binder of precalculus homework cradled in his throwing arm like a deadly football. Another person is rollerblading while somehow carrying the entire McDonald’s ice cream machine, spewing chocolate ice cream all over the floor to try and get others to slip on it. Inside the third-floor gym, there are two people wearing red “M” buckets on their heads, trying to slap each other with Princess Peach plushies while yelling, “ITS-A-ME, MARIO!” The
bell becomes a constant stream of noise, sounding like a sleep-deprived brass band in some lost fifth dimension.
BEEP! “Ferry’s Enthusiast was crushed by Broken McDonald’s Ice Cream Machine. Thirteen remain.”
BEEP! “Terry’s Enthusiast tried a Bacon Avocado Chipotle on a Roll. Twelve remain.”
BEEP! “Gullible Freshman entered Mr. Moran’s office on a dare. Eleven remain.”
In a bold leap of faith, you run to the burning heap of “weapons” (they bear a whopping zero percent resemblance to actual armaments) and begin digging through the pile. “An AP Biology test from 2017? Hmm, probably useless…” you think to yourself as you continue digging through.
“‘The Hidden Tapes of Mr. Yu’?? Maybe good for some Stuy Confessions posts… and 10 life-sized Genshin Impact body pillows. Fantastic.” Suddenly, you hear footsteps behind you, and, panicking, decide to dive straight into the garbage pile. Big mistake. The bottom of the pile is lined with year-old Ferry’s sandwiches, and your brand new Senior SING! shirt gets completely ruined as you splash into the wet puddle of soggy bread. Ah well. That shirt was never meant to see the light of day anyway.
In the near-total darkness of the pile, you find the perfect weapon—a magical textbook that automatically morphs into the victim’s most dreaded class subject! Springing out of the garbage heap, you yell a war chant (likely filled
with expletives) as you charge your attacker. The book morphs into a fiveinch-deep Frontend Manual. Your attacker’s eyes widen in horror as he sees the yellow-and-blue snake logo appear in front of his eyes, and he stumbles backward into a puddle of liquified cafeteria pizza!
BEEP! “Aggressive CS Nerd was handed a full Frontend Manual. Nine remain.”
With renewed confidence, you begin to search for other victims to traumatize with the magic book. With each kill, you feel yourself growing more and more powerful!
BEEP! “Pure Child was darkened by Wattpad Fanfic! Ouch, what a way to go! Three remain—you know what that means. DEATH MATCH TIME!”
Out of nowhere, Mr. Moran sprints toward you at hypersonic speed. Before you can even react, he grabs you by the neck and drags you up seven flights of stairs, all the way to the 10th floor.
The PA system crackles and smoke begins pouring out of the sound holes, but the announcement eventually comes through: “Welcome to the death match! Here, there is no hiding! Use the weapons you’ve collected to become the last one standing! Begin!”
To your left, you see an opponent armed with several hot glue guns and the dismembered corpse of the Robotics Team 694’s robot, wheels included. To your right, you see the holder of the McDonald’s ice cream machine, but he’s somehow
managed to obtain all eight of the 16 Handles ice cream machines (fully functioning) as well!
Ice cream man attacks you first. He fires at you a horrific blend of flavors that should never have existed in a million years, yelling, “Eat some KeyLime-Pie/Rocky-Road icecream mix! And how about some melted McDonald’s ice cream on the side as well?” He splashes you with a giant barrel of heavy cream, soaking the magic book in your pocket. “This will be easy,” he says with a smirk, dairy dripping from the corners of his smug mouth. Unfortunately for him, you pull out the book, and it morphs into an “Eating Healthy for Dummies” guide. The nine ice cream machines in his possession disintegrate, each one replaced by floating text that says “ERROR: 19,300 calories exceeds the recommended daily calorie intake by 865 percent!” You take advantage of his shock and glue him to the ground, and just like that, he is no longer standing. Now onto the robotics kid.
Unfortunately, it seems that the robotics kid also has some life-sized robots to back him up. You narrowly avoid getting flattened by the basketball-playing robot as it chases its red ball across the 10th floor hallway with frightening speed. Just as you think you’re safe from the robot apocalypse (even outside the game, you’ve been currying favor with ChatGPT for months), the elevator dings and a robot with a giant baseball bat emerges.
Joe
Mamawrote a review:
I just ate at Mom & Pop’s Breakfast Inn, and it was the Worst. Experience. Of. My. Life. First of all, there was not a Mom or Pop in sight, which was incredibly disappointing. When I entered the restaurant, I tried to hug the waitress (as is common courtesy), but she just stared at me and asked if I had a reservation (I didn’t even get a handshake!). Anyway, I was told I had to wait for a table because they were “all full” and I “didn’t have a reservation”—a likely excuse. I couldn’t even play Candy Crush while I waited because the WiFi there was horrible! I don’t care if my iPhone 4 is “over a decade old” and “running on its last shred of life”; I expect topnotch internet service when I dine. After the most grueling seven minutes of my life, I was finally seated. Unfortunately, said seat was right near a group of old ladies, and you KNOW how I feel about old people: they chew too loudly, their hands
At least, it tries to. The robot ends up whacking the elevator wall several times before the elevator doors shut on it, reducing the robot to a lone wheel rolling across the ground. Robotics Kid sighs and mutters, “You’ve gotta be kidding me. I swear I fixed that ages ago!” In his disappointment, he doesn’t notice that you have grabbed a glue gun from his pocket. “Get on my level!” you shout as you glue him to the ground, coming face-to-face with him for the first time (he’s 6’5” or some other absurd height, and you are average Stuy height, or 5’3”).
The announcer slowly walks out of a doorway you never knew existed, revealing himself to be none other than Principal Yu.
“Congratulations, prefreshie! You have won the game even though you were never supposed to participate in the first place! As a reward, here is a binding acceptance letter to Bronx Science! Have fun being forever inferior to—”
You pick up your magic book and shove it toward Principal Yu, hoping to avoid an abysmal future at Bronx Science, where the average SAT score is negative. Something strange happens, though. The book morphs and shakes, its front and back cover becoming brighter by the second. A few seconds later, the book’s light is blinding and you are forced to close your eyes.
When the light fades, Principal Yu is unconscious on the floor, and the magic book reads, “BTS Disbands?”
are weird, and they’re always gossiping about the royal family. (I apologize to any old people reading this, but I’m just speaking the truth!)
I tried not to let the old ladies ruin my appetite, but my culinary fate was sealed when I glanced at the menu. First of all, the menu did not come with any crayons or coloring pages, which was extremely disappointing. At this point, I contemplated simply walking out of the restaurant—but alas, I was starving. I feverishly scanned every poorly-laminated page of the menu, but to my dismay, the restaurant did not serve my favorite meal: escargot. When I mentioned this disparity to the waitress, she simply said, “Sir, this is a breakfast diner.” The nerve! Honestly, I should have demanded to speak to the manager right then and there, but I decided to be the bigger person and settled for waffles—it wasn’t as good as steamed snails, but it would have to do.
At long last, I received my meal. My taste buds tingled as the scent of maple
syrup wafted across the room, but little did I know the horror that was about to be bestowed upon me. The waitress put my plate in front of me. I looked at my waffles.
They were soggy. I screamed. My eyes filled with tears. I demanded to know the cause of this crime against humanity.
“Sir, I think that’s just because you requested an entire bottle of syrup to be poured on them.”
“Okay, but that doesn’t mean they should be soggy!” I protested. “A good waffle should be able to maintain its crispiness, no matter how much syrup you put on it, so this is just a reflection of how poorly-made your waffles are.”
I was then asked to leave the diner after I threw the waffles at one of the old ladies’ faces (that Karen deserved it!). Overall, an unsatisfactory dining experience. Would not recommend this restaurant. One out of five stars—I would give it zero stars, but the waitress was pretty cute, even though she pepper-sprayed me when I asked for her number.
The week that determines your self-worth— SAT week—just passed, and yet, most of y’all already know that you’ve failed yourself, your parents, and your friends. What self-worth? It’s nonexistent.
Luckily for those who have decided to pin their hopes on future SAT exams, Spec Humor’s resident testing wunderkinds are here to provide you guys with the tips and tricks necessary to ensure you get the minimum score of 1610 that your parents expect from you.
The first and most important thing you can do to maximize your score is to perform a ritual blood sacrifice to give your immortal soul to College Board CEO David Coleman. Only his esteemed visage can bless you with the incredible mental fortitude to stay awake during what may be the most boring test of your life. Assuming the Great Coleman has found your soul an insufficient price
for his aid, you must turn to another method of preventing sleep during the exam. There are numerous ways to go about this, in-
of coffee. Since you’re a Stuy student and have most likely already taken AP Calculus DE, this guide is
mar. We here at Stuyvesant High School consider learning actual English grammar a crime against nerd-dom on par with touching grass and therefore do not delve into its arcane rules. However, to do well on this test, you must face this most daunting precipice.
By EVE LIN and MUNEM TAJWAROnce upon a time, there lived a boy named Frederick the Great. Despite his awe-inspiring title, he was just a normal boy, or at least as normal as the King of Prussia could be.
But Frederick had one dark secret buried deep inside of him: he was in love with Louis XV. France and Prussia had been historical enemies, and their enmity spanned generations. Frederick knew that if his affections were ever to be discovered, his father might just come back from the dead and kill him for disgracing the Hohenzollern dynasty with such shameful desires. Frederick was also already married to a noble whom his father had chosen for him, so he hid his love for Louis and waited for the day when he could reveal his true feelings.
Meanwhile, Louis XV was having fun as the King of France: being a notorious playboy, depleting the royal coffers, abusing the French nobility and peasants alike, and neglecting his wife. However, Louis XV also had a secret. He fantasized about falling in love on Halloween—his favorite holiday, and his wife’s least favorite. Discouraged by the crushing weight of domesticity, he abandoned this pipe dream.
On a fateful day in late
cluding repeatedly pinching your arm, consuming copious amounts of chocolate, and using the Spec Humor favorite: an IV line
just going to assume that you’re prepared for the math section. So on to the most terrifying section for Stuy students: gram-
Now that the blood sacrifice is complete and you’re finally getting somewhat close to your perfect score, there’s still one more type of question you have to prepare for: those rare multiple choice questions that seem to have two answers with exactly the same meaning. Like, as a totally hypothetical example, a question with the answer choices expanding and growing, which both mean to get bigger. There’s only one way to account for these incredibly annoying questions: hack into the College Board database and steal the answer key for each testing form. This is a feat your average Stuy student can casually accomplish, as College Board’s cybersecurity is famously compa-
March, Louis XV had an epiphany while riding his beloved steed through the Loire Valley. “If I fall into a coma, maybe I can wake up in time for Halloween,” he thought. Then, he purposely fell off his horse and was knocked “unconscious” (he was an excellent actor).
Hearing the news of Louis XV’s purported un-
sweet nothings in French. Frederick was satisfied when they finally finished on the last day of March.
In France, Louis XV’s wife, Marie Leczinska, learned about Frederick’s plan from a royal spy. She was furious. She was devoted to her perfectly imperfect husband and believed that he felt the same. So, she strived to
rable to that of PupilPath. Now you’re finally ready to ace the SAT, but there’s one last question that needs to be addressed: What happens if you still manage to do poorly on the exam? At that point, you only have one option left: purchase a fake passport and flee to the snow-capped mountains of Siberia. You must adopt the life of a reindeer hunter—it’s the only way to escape the specter of your disownment-worthy test scores. It’s not like your crippling social anxiety won’t kill you anyway. That just about wraps up our guide to the SAT. If you follow this guide precisely, you’ll be sure to get the elusive 1610. You might even attain the Spec Humor average score of 1630, though for you normal people that might require more blood sacrifice. Even if you don’t manage to get a semi-decent score, remember that one test doesn’t define you, and plenty of people are incredibly successful in the taiga. Good luck!
Louis XV had never been the smartest, so he delightedly exclaimed, “My idea worked! It’s Halloween now!” He then discovered an enormous sign made of pure gold that told him to follow the pumpkins, and so he went with a procession of the finest horses and most luxurious chariots all the way to Prussia.
As he slipped into eternal sleep atop a mere armchair, he mumbled, “Pardonne-Moi, Louis,” his icy eyes spastically snapping closed for the final time.
consciousness a week later, Frederick decided that now was the perfect time to express his love for Louis XV. After all, a true love’s kiss can save even the most hopelessly concussed. After overhearing Louis’s secret from his mistress, Madame de Pompadour, he ordered his subjects to conjure a million pumpkins in the spirit of Halloween; thus, a million pumpkins materialized from the long and painful labor of his subjects.
Frederick spent days spreading pumpkins throughout France and Prussia, painstakingly commanding his army to organize them to spell out
ruin Frederick the Great’s plan. While Frederick was preoccupied with how to confess his feelings, Marie decided to paint some of the pumpkins outside of the Prussian palace alabaster white to prove that it was not yet Halloween, since white pumpkins do not exist.
Having lain in bed for what felt like months, Louis XV woke because of the commotion over the thousands of pumpkins in front of Versailles. He snuck past the front gates and was greeted by the beautiful sight of those majestic, tiger’s-eye orbs glistening in the decisively non-autumnal sunlight. But
Unbeknownst to him, Marie secretly followed his procession with a notso-subtle cortege. She was furious at Louis XV for following the pumpkins but decided to see what he would do in response to Frederick’s absurd romantic gesture. Frederick the Great was waiting in tepid anticipation for Louis XV. In preparation for Louis’s arrival, Frederick had prepared a hundred-course meal, a gift of an entire Indian orange tiger population, and, of course, all the pumpkins in the kingdom. When his beloved finally entered the palace gates, disgruntled from
the long journey, Frederick giddily ran to welcome him.
“LOUIS! So glad you could make it. Welcome, welcome to my humble abode!” he exclaimed, gesturing casually to the massive sparkling palace behind him. Louis XV graciously accepted his cordial invitation.
“Of course. Were you the one who set up all the pumpkins? Rather lovely Halloween decorations you have here,” Louis XV said, not yet seeing the white pumpkins obscured by Frederick’s god-like frame.
“Yes! You see, I have something to confess to you, and if you could come with me—” Frederick began, but was interrupted by Marie—previously hidden behind the string quartet Frederick had requested for the grand occasion—who made a beeline for Louis.
“Oh, mon amour! How long it has been since I have seen the beauty of your waking eyes! Let me take you somewhere other than here; we have so much to catch up on!” Marie said gleefully, grabbing Louis’s arm and periodically glancing over her shoulder at Frederick’s furious face.
“MARIE, STOOOOOOPPPPPPP! YOU’RE EMBARRASS-
continued on page 4
I’m a senior director at ExxonMobil, and I just bought a new Tesla. I had $50,000 lying around and didn’t know what to do with it, so I figured, why not?
It’s the best purchase I have ever made. When I first met Elon Musk at the Conservative Political Action Conference, he promised me that this would be the greenest purchase that I would make in my entire life. He was absolutely right. It’s like I own Elon Musk’s green little child. Or at least, that’s what I’m told on Twitter.
Since it’s electric, my two-ton metal death machine shouldn’t emit any of those gasses. I heard that this will be good for the youth, with whatever they’re always yelling about— “climate evolution” or something. Maybe they’ll finally leave me
alone and stop protesting outside my desk job at ExxonMobil.
I’m also really excited to ignore the fact that the materials required for building the oversized battery pack in my car
my single-family detached suburban house in my random suburb with its VERY interesting, mundane architecture is going to be a breeze! I only need to have a whole garage, and I only need to demand that on top
become successful like us?
I also feel really safe in this car—it’s just like one of the tanks that the U.S. military used to capture oil in Iraq. And if I happen to get into a crash while driving home—either drunk
were mined by children in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. I truly don’t care about child labor. Why should we require age verification for children when it’s simply just an extra burden on parents? Children should easily be able to work dangerous jobs and help support the family!
Charging the Tesla in
continued from page 3
ING MEEEE IN FRONT OF FREDERICK!!” Louis whined. “Let Frederick and I enter his beautiful, luscious, and architecturallydelicate pleasure palace!”
“Louis, NO, you have to see this! Please just follow me,” Marie replied as she tugged on Louis’s left arm. However, just as she did that, Frederick grabbed his right arm in return.
“NO NO NO NO NOOOO! NOOO! THIS IS NOT HOW THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO GO. YOU CAN’T TAKE HIM FROM ME!” Frederick yelled at the top of his lungs, before slipping into a sturm of guttural German swears. Louis, the prize in this game of tug-of-war, was losing his footing. Marie’s and Frederick’s desire for him was going to tear him apart. But before that could happen, they both lost their grip, and all the force catapulted back to Louis, causing him to shoot into the sky like a shell launched from a cannon.
continued from page 1
while you’re madly in love, get with a K-pop idol, break up with him because he’s too successful, and finally have the Suho you always dreamed about return and date you. So yeah, pretty likely you’ll get with them. And if there are just no hot people in your life to whom you’re attracted, that’s okay too. (Not every-
of the huge asphalt parking lots that are already built at every establishment, we also build more seas of asphalt designated for Tesla users. We, the Elon Musk simps, are rich, so if we require more paved land for our own use, it should not be used for housing. Why should the lower classes need housing when they could just work harder and
from my corporate greenwashing session (the pub) or distracted from playing Mario Kart on the built-in 79-inch Samsung TV—the built-in safety systems and airbags should keep me safe! Sure hope they were manufactured properly…
I already have both my suburban house subsidized and all the subsidies that
The hang time was like nothing ever seen before. Louis was in the sky for so long that Frederick started to wonder whether or not Newton was correct in his theory regarding gravitational force. But eventually, Louis plummeted to the ground, right on top of the white pumpkins.
Groaning in pain, he looked around to see if he had broken any of the bones in his fragile little body, and as he surveyed the damage, he noticed that the pumpkin he was on top of was… white? No, pumpkins aren’t white… Are they? Louis thought. Following this revelation, he asked, “Frederick… what are these?”
Frederick was sweating profusely. He had also just noticed the white pumpkins but was still ignorant of their potential to further ruin his proposal. He was sweating so much that the humidity surrounding him could be felt from a mile away. He was stuttering as fast as a cheetah; he just could not get the words out.
“I… I... I thought you
wouldn’t notice,” Frederick blurted out, unable to think of any other excuse.
“Why did you think that I wouldn’t notice? I’m not colorblind! Tell me Frederick, is it even Halloween? For God’s sake, tell me what month it is,” Louis cried.
“Apri—ctober” Frederick said, blushing nervously.
Seeing Frederick blush made Louis quiver, his heart beating faster at the adorable sight that lay before his well-rested eyes. Suddenly, he pictured his frail fingers entwined in the strands of Frederick’s irresistible powdered wig as they passionately kissed. But his fantasy dissolved when he realized the weight of Frederick’s statement, and also the fact that his wife was right next to him.
“Are you kidding me? Are you telling me it isn’t even Halloween? It isn’t even OCTOBER?? I can’t believe you—WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS! WHY WOULD YOU TOY WITH MY HEARTSTRINGS LIKE THIS! WHO EVEN
TOLD YOU ABOUT THIS FANTASY? DID YOU DO IT TO MAKE A FOOL OUT OF ME? ANSWER ME!!!” Louis screamed, his bratty French accent thicker than ever.
“A- A- April Fools!...” Frederick said while holding back his sobs.
Louis’s heart sank as fast as the French peasants’ faith in the monarchy. He could not believe the man he had secretly admired for years had used his most vulnerable desires to trick him. The man who had him kicking his feet back and forth in bed at night now had him on his knees, mad at the world for taking advantage of him. Tears streaming down his face, Louis could not take it anymore.
“Come here, my sweet little Louis. He doesn’t deserve your heart. He doesn’t understand you like I do. Come home, mon amour.” Marie said, watching it all and trying to ignore the intoxicating power she felt seeing Louis torn to shreds.
They walked away as Frederick’s steely blue
one has met us.) Simply go out into the streets, find an attractive person who happens to be getting chased by the police so you can swoop in and be the hero! Pretend to be their ex, current special other, or whatever rocks your boat. Sure, there’s a 99.99 percent chance that they’re a psychopath or a globally-wanted criminal, but there’s also a 0.01 percent chance that they’ll fall for you and turn
out to be your soulmate. Here’s something to remember: actions speak louder than words. Be bold. Instead of worrying and panicking when you want to kiss someone, just do it. If you’ve watched Business Proposal, you’ll know exactly what scene our title is referring to. For those who don’t know, in the scene, Cha Sung-hoon, the second male lead, boldly kisses his girlfriend, Jin Young-seo,
go into everything from the meat I eat to the gas required to ship the food I need. We also can’t forget the billion-dollar subsidies by the U.S. government for the coal industry, which produces the electricity used by my excessive single-family house and, of course, by my electric car. However, I really think we need another subsidy. I deserve a subsidy for my electric car. We humans will soon exceed our carrying capacity anyway, so I’m doing the world a favor by running kids over at intersections and damaging roads with my car’s excessive weight!
A true patriot should be grateful for my purchase, my Tesla, and my service. I promise that my Tesla will fight for the reversal of climate change, just like those heroes who fought for my company’s oil in Iraq.
eyes dissected them with a 2,000-yard stare. He could not believe his plan had been foiled, that his world had fallen apart. While he moped about, the news of France’s humiliating defeat through Frederick’s prank quickly spread, leading to the Prussian popularization of April 1 as April Fool’s Day, which eventually spread around the world.
Frederick the Great spent the final years of his life thinking about his romantic failure. Every day when he woke up, Frederick broke down, lonely without the man he loved.
Needless to say, Frederick never fell in love again. He spent his final days in his chamber of isolation, staring regretfully at the ornamentation of the lavish ceilings. As he slipped into eternal sleep atop a mere armchair, he mumbled, “Pardonne-Moi, Louis,” his icy eyes spastically snapping closed for the final time. He may not have fulfilled his life’s purpose, but his desire for love on April 1 left a mark on the world forever.
after saying, “I’ll make sure you never forget.” Gah. That line alone is enough to make anyone’s heart melt. So the next time you’re with your crush, just kiss them. And for a better experience, please use Listerine strips (we are not sponsored by them).
If you get with that person of your dreams, just remember, it’s because of us and only us. Just don’t get all kissy-kissy in the halls––
no one wants to see it. Otherwise, we, the K-drama rizz gods, will frown upon you and issue you a rizztraining order.
Disclaimer: If these tips didn’t work out for you, or you find yourself facing sexual harassment charges (what’s that?), The Spectator is not liable—it’s obviously a skill issue on your part.
I also feel really safe in this car—it’s just like one of the tanks that the U.S. military used to capture oil in Iraq.
Volume 113 No. 13
April 5, 2023
The DOE needs to create a one-week break at the beginning of Ramadan to give Muslim students a peaceful and festive Ramadan.
see page 14
The Stuyvesant Muslim Students Association (MSA) participated in the annual Muslim Interscholastic Tournament (MIST) at Townsend Harris High School from February 24 to 26 and placed first for the first time in Stuyvesant history. MIST is an interactive competition with various divisions such as math, chess, vocal ability, debate, and music. Teams from different schools compete within each of the divisions, and competing members can participate in multiple divisions.
In previous years, there was conflict with team scheduling and recruitments for the competition. “This year was special because last year we only had [approximately] 10 people go into MIST together, and I was alone,” junior and Stuyvesant MSA secretary Sadat Ahmed said. “I didn’t know what I was doing, and the other teams had 40 or 50 members on each team, so it was just demoralizing to see that compared to us, who did not even have a team.”
Following the pandemic, Stuyvesant MSA’s culture and its participation in MIST greatly changed with an influx of new members. This year, the team entered the competition with the goal to win. “I think what really changed was that during COVID-19 times, many people weren’t really part of MSA or in the MIST tournament in general,
stuyspec.com
Researchers at Kyushu University in Japan recently demonstrated that mice can be conceived with two genetic fathers, opening up future opportunities for assisted reproduction and animal conservation, and posing serious ethical questions.
see page 15
so this year, we brought a lot of people into the tournament, and that’s what really ensured our success,” senior and MSA member Shafiul Haque said. “In turn, we got closer to one another as members of the MSA [and] the three days we spent together at the competition were really helpful to our victory.”
and motivation to succeed, morale was high, and members were able to implement newfound strategies gained from practice. “It was a lot of pressure. In the history of New York MIST, we never placed first. Stuy has never placed first because it has always been Bronx [Science], [Brooklyn] Tech, etc. This year, therefore, we
science, [Haque] did math, I did singing and creative writing, etc.,” Ahmed said. “There are writing competitions, performances, short films, basketball, poetry, [and] speaking.” In addition to facilitating the learning of new skills and development of talents, MIST allowed many participants from MSA
ticipant Huda Berri said.
While MIST is an Islam-oriented competition, the tournament also includes more secular areas, allowing non-Muslims to participate as well. Muslim students were able to collaborate with non-Muslim students and create a community of diverse competition. “There were also all these different [competitions], like creative writing, art, basketball, Super Smash Bros—there was literally everything you could ever think of. So, MIST is open to not just Muslims, and we actually encourage non-Muslim people to join,” sophomore and MSA member Khadijah Shoaab said.
This intersectionality made MIST not only more inclusive event but also a tool for Stuyvesant’s success. “We had a few nonMuslims, and we actually won first and second in digital art with them,” Berri said.
Formerly, there was also a lack of team morale and motivation. Stuyvesant MSA had never placed first in MIST before, and other schools usually ranked higher than Stuyvesant. This year, Stuyvesant MSA was determined to fix this. Because of the collective team pressure
Stuyvesant hosted the New York Catholic Forensics League (NYCFL) Grand Debate Tournament on March 18. After hosting virtual competitions for three years due to the COVID-19 pandemic, Stuyvesant returned to in-person competitions this year. In addition to hosting the tournament, Stuyvesant won an award for sending the most qualifiers to the National Catholic Forensics League Debate Tournament, which will be held in Kentucky in May 2023.
With the collaboration of senior and Speech and Debate President Erica Lung, junior and Congressional Debate Junior Varsity Director William Tang, English teacher and Speech and Debate faculty advisor Julie Sheinman, and many other student leaders, the
networking coordination for the tournament began in December.
“We started sending out e-mails to parents to gauge aggregate interest on who might bring food [and] who might judge,” Lung said.
According to Lung, one of the most important aspects of planning the tournament was the preparation of food for the tournament, which involved coordination with parents on the type and quantity of food that would be brought.
“It was the largest correspondence between us and parents [...] because we had to talk to [the parents] about how much of each quantity of food, allergens, instructions for drop off, and just a lot of logistical things,” Lung said. “So that was one aspect of tournament planning
continued on page 6
practiced a lot, like on the Hudson staircase, for hours,” Ahmed said.
MIST is made up of a variety of different competitions, allowing all participants to compete in their strongest fields. “There are various types of competitions, like [Haque and I] did computer
to feel the value of community by being surrounded by teenagers who share the same culture and religious background. “It was nice to be surrounded by so many people who reminded me of myself since I got to see so many other Muslim high schoolers,” sophomore and MIST par-
Juniors Rebecca Bao, Theodore Landa, Eli White, and Eric Zheng participated in the International Mathematical Modeling Challenge (IM²C) after finishing in the top 10 percent globally in the High School Contest in Mathematical Modeling Challenge (HiCMC) for their mathematical analysis of colony collapse disorder (CCD) and its impact on bee populations and food security. The HiCMC is an international math contest in which up to four students from various high schools around the world use their modeling, problem-solving, and writing skills to model and develop solutions to real-world problems. The juniors’ exemplary submission,
created under the guidance of Stuyvesant mathematics teacher Patrick Honner, marks the first time Stuyvesant has participated in the HiCMC and qualified for the IM²C.
Honner noted the unique opportunities that the competition can provide for participants. “These competitions give students the chance to experience what applied mathematicians do every day: use the tools of mathematics to study and solve important real-world problems,” Honner said in an email interview.
During the HiCMC, the juniors focused their efforts on addressing the impact CCD has on bee populations. CCD
continued on page 8
Despite the challenges that Stuyvesant MSA has faced in the past, the team’s success at this year’s MIST is proof of their hard work, dedication, and strong team spirit. “MIST changed my point of view on Muslim communities in high schools around New York because it really showed how unified we are,” Shoaab said. “At first I didn’t think that many people would even show up, but when I saw how many people came and cared and were so happy about being here, it was really comforting because it felt like I had my own community.”
Stuyvesant Open House took place on March 23, providing an opportunity for many school clubs to increase exposure.
The Stuyvesant Latin Club competed at and won the UPenn Latin Certamen on March 18. Certamens consist of a Latin quiz-bowl game where students compete to demonstrate their knowledge in different classical fields. Four groups competed from Stuyvesant, including two novice and two intermediate groups. Novice Team A won the novice division of the Certamen, and the rest of the teams nearly reached the semifinals.
Anderson said. “[I] and two people from our team, three days before the competition, went to Whole Foods and staked out for several hours after school to study.”
Teams had to be created methodically to fully cover a wide range of topics, including language, history, and mythology.
“[Latin teacher and Latin Club Faculty Advisor Lance] Tomas […] tries to organize teams based on skill set,” sophomore and Latin Club Co-President Dale Heller said. “My main [event] is definitely mythology so I was with a bunch of people who specialized in lan-
pened, and [Novice Team A] was the only team that advanced [but] pretty much all the teams were very close to advancing.”
In Certamens, teams have to buzz in before other teams to answer questions and rack up points. In the finals, Novice Team A won in a landslide. “[In the finals], all the questions were meant to be harder than in the previous rounds, and in the last question, we were more than 20 points ahead of the other team,” Anderson said. “Even though they got a full 20 points on the [last] question [...], we still knew we would beat them.” For their
“It’s really, really great that we’re starting up the Certamen thing again [...] It was just really, really fun to go do a dead language activity with a bunch of really smart and great kids.” —Dale
The victory required a lot of preparation, including the creation of study guides for the different events. “We had these really loose study guides. We basically studied on our own because we were split between different topics,” junior and Intermediate Group A member Chloe Dong said. “I did language, [and] other people [competed in] myth and history. We’re grouped in groups of four but each person [had] a specialty.” The Latin Club also hosted mock Certamens and presented slideshows on topics.
To prepare for the competition, teams did significant amounts of studying, both individually and as a group. “There were a few Latin Club meetings where we would practice questions,” freshman and Novice Team A member Stella
guage and history.”
While the Stuyvesant team was confident in their abilities, they were nervous about the competition due to the number of impressive schools competing. “There were a lot of Connecticut schools. There was one [school], Harrington, that was really, really good last time [so] we were on the lookout for them. Hunter went and Townsend [Harris] went,” Heller said.
Teams had to complete three preliminary rounds before reaching the semifinals. While Novice Team A was the only advancing team, the other teams still had a strong performance. “[Novice Team A] got first place [in the novice division of the preliminary rounds] and the other Stuy team got second,” Anderson said. “Semi[final]s hap-
win, Novice Team A got medals and a copy of The Odyssey signed by the translator.
Overall, the Latin Club enjoyed its time at the Certamen. “Certamen’s really fun because you get to meet a lot of new people,” freshman and Novice Team A and Latin Club member Ting Ting Zhang said. “It feels kind of nerve-wracking at first, [but] then after a while, you get the hang of it.”
The Latin Club looks forward to participating and championing at future Certamens. “Certamens weren’t [originally] such a big part of the Stuy Latin department,” Heller said. “It’s really, really great that we’re starting up the Certamen thing again [...] It was just really, really fun to go do a dead language activity with a bunch of really smart and great kids.”
The United States and South Korea held an amphibious assault drill on March 28, immediately after a series of North Korean missile tests. This event was loaded with symbolism, as a uniquely successful amphibious assault lost the North the advantage in the Korean War.
Tornado-spawning storms began rolling through Mississippi and Alabama, among other American states, on March 25, which induced the mobilization of vast amounts of federal aid
French President Emmanuel Macron survived his first series of votes of confidence over the raising of the French pension age on March 20.
Millions of fish died and were washed on the shores of Southeastern Australia on March 19 due to an extreme heat wave and a lack of oxygen content in the water.
- Photographer for “Personal Finance: A Semester Later” is Sophia Mueller
- Photographer for “How the Peglegs Completed the Repeat” is Reem Khalifa
- In SING! Coverage, Pride was played by senior Beatriz Ongan Sancho, not Berry Ongan
- In SING! Coverage, Benedict Barnes was played by Amanda Greenberg, not River Soto.
- Writer for “Historical Accuracy is Not an Excuse for Lack of Diversity” is Joanne Hwang
experience to work with the team to help organize and plan this event.”
that stretched on for a couple of months.”
Another aspect of planning that required significant coordination was recruiting volunteers who were responsible for helping to serve food, keep track of time, and cheer on their teammates. Lung coordinated with Speech and Debate team captains to gather volunteers. “Specifically for this tournament, I told [the captains] that I needed at least eight volunteers from every event,” Lung said.
Contrary to Lung’s expectations, several teams sent more than eight volunteers, as students were very enthusiastic about helping out throughout the event. “Most of Speech and Debate were there as volunteers to help because Stuyvesant was hosting this tournament,” junior and Oral Interpretation competitor Erica Liu said.
Students felt rather hindered by their lack of experience, as this was the first year that Stuyvesant returned to in-person tournaments. “I think the biggest difficulty in organizing this event was that we haven’t hosted the tournament for three years,” Tang said. “Every person on the team had no experience with this. So it was definitely very humbling and a valuable learning
Despite the relatively smooth management of the tournament,
because [of the] bell. So we would pause the timer, pause the speech, and then keep going,” sophomore and Public Forum competitor Astrid Harrington said.
Hilger said.
Overall, students feel that the turnout of the Grands tournament was a success, especially with the novelty of hosting Stuyvesant’s first in-person tournament in years. “For many of us, this is our first time hosting a tournament at Stuy for Speech and Debate, so there’s definitely a lot of kinks to be ironed out [...]. For our first time hosting a tournament for everyone, everything came together really wonderfully,” junior and Extemporaneous Speech competitor Kai Li said.
Many students enjoyed this year’s tournament in particular because of the variety of food that was offered. “We had a lot of home-cooked food. We had a lot of Indian food, a lot of Chinese food, and we also bought food from restaurants,” Tang said.
to Midtown or all the way up to the Bronx [...]. The fact that this [competition] was at Stuy means that everyone could come,” Kai Li said. “This being a Grands tournament, where we are the host, means that we want to show as much hospitality as we can [...]. That’s why everyone got involved.”
one persistent issue that was brought up by many students was the disturbance coming from the Public Address (PA) system, which was undergoing continued technical maintenance. Many debaters found it difficult to concentrate due to the constant testing of the speakers. “I was in plenty of rounds where people [had] to stop giving speeches
Additionally, freshman and Dramatic Performance competitor Audrey Hilger explained how the abundance of rooms used for this tournament may have caused confusion. “I think it would’ve been nicer if we [were] all less spaced out because everyone was on different floors, which might have confused competitors from other schools,”
Debaters were pleased with the fact that the tournament was hosted at Stuyvesant, which was beneficial due to their familiarity with the layout of the building. “I get the home turf advantage. So I knew where every place was. I didn’t really have to think about where I was going, like I just knew how to get around, and I can direct other people, actually,” Liu said.
In addition, hosting the tournament at Stuyvesant greatly boosted students’ involvement. “Usually for our tournaments, we would travel
Freshman and Public Forum competitor Annie Li expressed how competing in the tournament allowed her to be open-minded in regard to future competitions both inside and outside of Speech and Debate. “The biggest thing I learned was you shouldn’t underestimate yourself or overestimate your opponents. I think a lot of the time we like to psych ourselves out, especially in competitive settings, or we like to compare ourselves to people who we don’t know that well,” Annie Li said.
In working together, students were able to take pride in volunteering and competing in the event. “I’m really proud of all of the people who have worked really hard for this [...] even if they didn’t do as well as they thought or they didn’t even compete,” Liu said. “We’re really grateful for all the work that they put into volunteering and preparing for [this] Speech and Debate [...] tournament. I think it’s really admirable what we’ve done together as a community.”
Heller, sophomore and Latin Club Co-PresidentCourtesy of Mike Makino-Siller
is a disorder that causes worker bees to lose their sense of navigation and thus suddenly disappear, leaving behind the queen and immature bees.
The juniors took an organized approach to the problem, working together to conduct research, brainstorm, and construct models. “We sort of started by brainstorming the [...] parameters of the problem [and] the variables we can change, and how we build a model that can work with that. We drew [on] our mathematical knowledge [and our knowledge of] computer simulations because we’re all in AP [Computer Science A],” Landa said.
The teammates used various online web applications, such as Desmos, and programming languages, such as NetLogo, to create their models. “I created a Desmos model which took the normal distribution of the temperature and rainfall throughout the year and modeled its effect on the bee populations. [Landa] made a NetLogo program, [which] had different patches with flowers on them where each patch was a honeybee hive, and you could model the bees’ movement and how often they have to go to hive and how much pollen they had to get from each flower,” White said.
The students demonstrated determination throughout the process of creating their model, recognizing the significance of its practical applications. “This sort of modeling has real-world consequences; political leaders basically use this kind of decision-making to actually put into
use the resources we have as a community,” Zheng said. The team wrote a 25-page paper describing and using their models to evaluate the ideal conditions for bee populations with CCD. “The paper we wrote […] based on the models […] was on the optimal spacing of hives in order to pollinate the most, and how to model the
four juniors’ submission. “Rebecca, Teddy, Eli, and Eric have already accomplished a lot, just by being invited to compete in the IM²C. They earned that invitation by finishing in the top 10 percent worldwide in the [HiMCM], where their mathematical analysis of [CCD] and its impact on bee populations and food security earned a
tion on the specifics of the project cannot be disclosed.
The next level of competition did not come without difficulties. “The [high school contest] was a lot more casual; we did a lot of research and [had] fun. The [IM²C] was actually a time crunch because [there were only five days to do it and] research takes a really long time,
that’s a pretty important skill for problem solving in general. The other thing is that these are real-life problems, so I learned how to better balance being too hyper-realistic and simplifying the models,” White said.
The students appreciated the opportunity to work together toward a collective goal. “Thanks to Mr. Honner for giving us the opportunity and meeting with us and talking about strategies and how to approach the problem. And thanks to my teammates; they did well and we all worked really hard,” White said.
The juniors described their hopes to continue participating in such competitions. “In the future, I definitely would like to keep doing these kinds of competitions. I think our group does, and I think that we would all like to grow as mathematical modelers […] [in] our ability to apply math to real-life situations,” Landa said.
The team believes that their experience paves the way to allowing similar opportunities for underclassmen. “We should publicize this because I don’t think a lot of people know about this. It makes it more accessible to fresh[men] or sophomores,” Zheng said.
population of a hive,” Zheng said. “[It] also [included] a summary, abstract sensitivity analysis, popular audience piece, [and] appendix.”
The juniors’ hard work yielded remarkable success, allowing them to qualify for the IM²C. Honner emphasized the immense achievement of the
‘Meritorious’ distinction,” Honner said.
During the IM²C, the group took on a new problem where they investigated issues in optimizing land usage. Unfortunately, due to conflicts with publicly releasing information for competitions before results are released, further informa-
especially when it’s citing sources, and our final product had to be over 20 pages,” Zheng said. “So it was really stressful.”
The students feel that they gained a lot of skills from the contest experience. “One of the big [skills] I got out of the competition was learning to reduce a problem to its parts, and
Honner agrees and highlights the importance of applying math to the real world. “By preparing and participating in these competitions, students learn about the infinitely many ways math can be applied to important real-world problems,” Honner said. “This not only broadens their perspective of what math is, but [also] opens up new and exciting ways for math to have meaning in their lives.”
That mysterious invite link in your inbox beckoning you to download something called Temu may have seemed sketchy at first, but perhaps the shopping app’s promise to let you “shop like a billionaire” won you over. After all, Temu boasts over 24 million downloads worldwide and has become especially popular amongst teenagers since its September 2022 release. The app has made waves across social media by allowing users to purchase a variety of items for low prices; in some cases, it even lets users play in-app games to earn spendable cash points. “In the two months [spent using Temu], I racked up about $600 from the [games] alone. I never spent a penny of my own money,” sophomore and former Temu user Michelle Ye said.
Temu allows users to browse a limitless product catalog, including clothing, accessories, beauty products, and even electronics. Despite the app’s suspiciously low prices and seemingly endless inventory— the result of low-cost fast-fashion manufacturers—Stuyvesant student Temu customers have noted that the products arrive as advertised. “I got a pair of cargos for free. I like them, and they are pretty comfortable and look like what the app showed, so I was low-key happy to get them for free,” explained sophomore Mahmuda Meher, who used the app for around a week. When approaching an app with remarkably low prices, students’ expectations for the products can influence their overall appraisal of it. A common experience of Stuyvesant Temu users is their gradual loss of interest in the app. Ultimately, they end up deleting the app indefinitely. “I stopped using it because sending links and getting people to download it got really time-consuming and annoying, and if someone already has the app, it
won’t give you a reward,” Meher said. Due to the difficulty of finding new Temu users to sign up, many grow weary at such a tedious stage of the process. Though Temu’s products are legitimate, the company faces ethical concerns. Some consumers question the environmental impact of the packaging and shipping process at Temu’s factories, while others condemn Temu on the assumption that the app is a pyramid scheme. This suspicion originates
with criticism over the morality of the work culture at demanding ecommerce companies, especially at prominent ones such as Temu. However, as its user base grows, Temu continues to climb the digital rankings on the app store, reaching #1 in the shopping category and surpassing giants such as Amazon and eBay.
Vanessa Huang / The Spectator By ANKITA SAHAThe College Board recently announced that starting in the fall of 2023, the SAT will be conducted virtually. This big change brings smaller changes with it, including a two-hour test-taking window, shorter reading passages, and allowing calculators on all math sections. While this is not unprecedented, given recent technological advancements, students will certainly have to adjust to the new system.
While digitizing the SAT is a major change, many of the features of the in-person SAT will remain unchanged. Both the digital and in-person exams are out of 1600 points and have the same curving system.
The College Board stated that they hope that digitalization makes taking the SAT easier for students. Students will be taking the virtual SAT on the Bluebook app, which the College Board uses for all their digital testing. They will not have to take it at a testing center, but rather in their own homes.
Since students have never taken a virtual SAT before, it is challenging to know what to expect and how to prepare. However, upperclassmen can use their experiences taking digital AP exams during the pandemic to predict what the experience will be like. Junior Sophia Dasser, who has already taken the in-person SAT, shared that she found virtual AP examinations tedious, especially as they necessitated preventative measures to
from Temu’s cycle of consumerism that entails having customers refer others to use the app through the simple click of a link. “Apps like Temu encourage users to purchase items for cheap prices, enticing consumers to stay on the platform, without taking into perspective the labor practices or environmental effects of such purchases,” sophomore Konstantine Konstantopolous said. Their qualms are supported by various investigations, including one revealing the deaths of two employees of Pinduoduo, Temu’s sister e-commerce company. This controversy has been met
If Temu’s prices are inexhaustibly discounted, how does the app gain profit without going bankrupt? The answer lies in the company’s reverse-manufacturing business model, which, in addition to stock market earnings, garners the majority of its profits. Temu uses this economic strategy to effectively eliminate the markup fees responsible for driving up product prices on other platforms. By connecting its users directly to manufacturers, the company is able to maintain extremely low prices while ensuring that high-quality products are shipped to consumers, all while it continues to profit immensely. While many companies have used this business model in the past, Temu is one of the first
platforms to have successfully integrated it on a global scale. It also draws users in through its numerous discounts and suspiciously appealing prices, along with its easy-to-navigate interface. “Temu definitely manipulates consumers with its menu screen. [It] does this by setting their products’ [original prices] higher and adding a discount from 50 percent to 90 percent. For example, currently, the Lenovo Thinkplus th30 on Temu is set at $45 with a 62 percent dis-
count that sets it to $17. It makes the user think that they are getting a good deal, but if you were to check Walmart, it is set at $16.50. “Temu is cheap, but it isn’t as cheap as it might appear,” Ye said.
Temu’s popularity cannot be analyzed without considering the role played by consumer culture, especially hyperconsumerism—the overconsumption of goods beyond personal necessity as a result of external pressure to consume such goods. For the average consumer, Temu’s low prices, large variety of products, high-quality goods, and overall convenience are appealing.
ensure academic integrity. “And there [were] just all these precautions that they made us answer [...] while we were taking a digital one that kind of messed with my focus since it was in the middle of the exam,” Dasser shared. Dasser further elaborated on the technical disadvantages that the virtual SAT could bring: “There’s this little clock in the corner. It’ll just constantly tell you what time it is. And for me, that intimidates me a lot because I feel like I’m running out of time constantly, and I always feel like I need to rush.”
The College Board has stated that the virtual SAT will have fewer questions, adjusted ac cording to the decreased testtaking window. Though this sug exam will be less draining, students revealed that under such stressful conditions, a shorter time frame isn’t as advantageous as it initially seems. “Two hours is definitely a lot less time, but I feel like three hours and two hours feel the same to me though when I’m taking a test,” remarked sophomore Skye McArthur.
Students also expressed that their discomfort with the prospect of an online SAT stems from confusion and lack of information.
Not only are they unsure of how a digital SAT will work, but they recognize that it is somewhat experimental and will likely take College Board years to refine. Junior Joey
dents’ experiences with test prep have largely been centered around paper exams; they are used to being able to annotate the passages, flip through pages quickly, and complete questions out of order—this is all much more difficult with digital exams. “I feel like we’ve been trained to deal with exams on paper [...] my exams are always on paper. We never have digital ones,” shared Dasser. “The in-person paper [test] I take allows me to annotate my readings or show my work right next to the problem and highlight specific parts of the problem that I want to focus on [...] And even though you take digital exams and you try to use the little highlight tools and the notes, you never
Sophomore Kaileen So shared that the school administration can help students by repeatedly exposing students to virtual testing.
Through its reward-based system, Temu has also been able to grow a large consumer base backed by manufacturers around the world. “Of course, a very big part of Temu’s [success] is its advertising and the spreading of information from one consumer to another. Personally, I invited and introduced Temu to about 100 people. A lot of people thought I was hacked because of how sketchy Temu makes their link, but a few actually end up following the cycle to invite others they know for their $50. This chain effect can be more effective than traditional advertising. One user can turn into 1,000 just in [a] matter of hours where both the consumer and company benefits,” Ye said. Marketing campaigns that promote free products and rewards through a referral system have driven many users to download Temu, making it one of most popular digital shopping platforms in the world; evidence of its pervasiveness is found even in the halls of Stuyvesant. Despite the appeal of free merchandise and limitless rewards, the polarizing popularity of Temu begs the question: is the app worth downloading? While its financial allure remains effective for all consumer demographics, the lack of transparency between Temu and its users has deprived them of trust and confidence in the app’s legitimacy. “I originally downloaded Temu after a couple of my classmates were asking me to use their referral code to earn them rewards. After I downloaded the app, I was concerned about the legitimacy of the app and the low prices, so I eventually ended up deleting Temu entirely,” explained junior Trystan Woutersz. For many students like Woutersz, the enticing advertisements and deals are not enough to clear the controversy surrounding Temu. With other apps such as TikTok undergoing political scrutiny, only time will tell as to whether Temu’s overwhelming presence within the U.S. market will remain.
The unprecedented circumstances of the digital SAT contribute to the test’s already ambiguous role in the college admissions process—many colleges have become entirely test-optional in recent years. Dasser expressed that she would prefer if colleges looked at the virtual and in-person tests separately. “[The] algorithmic curve may be different [...] the test room might be different. You’re surrounded by computers. There [are] just so many factors that are unpredictable. And I guess it’s just not right to compare someone who took the digital [to] someone who took the regular SAT,” Dasser said.
idea predicting what is going to be on the exam,” said Dasser. “It’s just going to be insane for the first couple of years, and it’s just going to be very difficult to do.”
The switch to virtual exams is particularly daunting because stu-
“I think it would be really helpful to educate students about what it actually entails, like the similarities and differences to the paper test,” So shared. “I don’t know if this would work for all classes, but having virtual exams could help students become aware of the test. [The] biggest thing is just letting students know about the differences, [be]cause at least for me, I’m not sure what a virtual SAT would be like.”
Others believe that though the transition period will be challenging, as time passes and students become better prepared for the exam, the digital SAT may be able to entirely replace the in-person exam. “ I don’t think it’s going to affect [the college admissions process] that much. I feel like the first few years might be difficult because they don’t know what the format is,” shared Chen. “Once they release the digital version online, I’m pretty sure a lot of people are able to study based on that.”
The virtual SAT is brand new to all of us, regardless of whether we have already taken the paper exam. It is not yet possible to predict its impacts on college admissions or the ways it will differ from the traditional SAT. Though all the unknowns may be intimidating for students, it is helpful to know that you aren’t alone in your anxiety.
Students at Stuyvesant are no strangers to expectations. Whether positive or negative, external pressures are the driving force behind everything from a student’s academic performance to her choice of extracurricular activities. Internalized expectations for personal achievement may have even contributed to the student’s admission into Stuyvesant in the first place. While these pressures can serve as effective motivators, they also have the potential to turn ambitious dreams into heavy burdens.
The expectations that students face stem from a variety of sources. Perhaps the most influential of these are parents and guardians. Director of College Counseling Jeffrey Makris has noticed that students’ hopes for the future often reflect the paths their parents want them to follow. “Kids are internalizing the expectations or the desires of their parents, [who often] have a certain set of colleges that they’re more familiar with or are operating on the assumption that in order for their kids to be successful, they need to attend a highly select[ive] institution,” Makris explained.
However, it is often students, not parents, who place the most pressure on themselves, and Stuyvesant’s environment serves to inflate these internalized standards. High-achieving students are surrounded by other high-achievers, and success is often defined by how well students “measure
up” to their peers. “Imposter syndrome really hit hard in freshman year because of that culture shock of ‘How is everyone else doing so well in this class?’” junior Monica Lai explained in an e-mail interview. “It lent itself to a lot of me comparing myself to others.”
This tendency toward comparison extends to areas outside of academics. Students enter Stuyvesant with varying degrees of stress surrounding the college application process, and those initially less focused on building their resumes are often made to feel that they aren’t doing enough. “When you realize how much people really care about college, then you start to really care about college,” freshman Audrey Hilger explained.
Students often focus on trying to become the “ideal” candidate for prestigious institutions such as Ivy League schools. The problem with the formulaic gathering of achievements—AP credits, volunteer hours, extracurriculars, internships—is that it feeds into a singular idea of success as opposed to a focus on personal growth.
To achieve this narrow-minded definition of success, students often worry about getting volunteer hours and doing extracurricular activities that will look good on their college applications, in addition to maintaining a high GPA. “I do think colleges looking at volunteer hours was a bit intimidating,” senior Samira Murad recalled in an e-mail interview. Luckily, she has managed to focus her extracurriculars around her interests rather than what admissions officers might want, allow-
ing her to find more enjoyment in her time at Stuyvesant. “It felt silly to waste time doing things I hated just so I could look good on paper, so I did what I wanted to do. It also allowed me to find out who I am and what I enjoy,” Murad explained.
Guidance counselor Sarah Kornhauser emphasizes the importance of adopting mentalities like Murad’s. However, it can be difficult for students to prioritize their own interests when they have grown accustomed to unhealthy expectations and external pressures. It can be helpful for them to talk to a trusted adult at school so they can see their situation from a new perspective. “Sometimes we are not the best judges of how we are doing. So we need to spend time with maybe an adult who could be a mirror to us and show us that we’re actually so exceptional and working really hard and improving and overcoming obstacles,” Kornhauser shared. “And ideally, someone like a guidance counselor or a trusted teacher could be that for us or appear like an adult who’s not caught up in it in the same way we are. You have to kind of step out of the rat race every now and then, like, wait a minute, there’s more to life.”
This shift in perspective is not only necessary for a healthy relationship with academics, but also for one’s mental and physical health. “For some people, school really stresses them out and they [pull] a lot of all-nighters,” sophomore Brandon Waworuntu described. Losing sleep can have drastic consequences, including memory issues, difficulty concen-
trating, high blood pressure, and weight gain. Many students choose to ignore this fact when trying to push themselves to their academic and extracurricular limits.
Makris noted that students’ internalized pressures can hurt not only their physical health, but mental health as well. “In a really difficult environment like this, [striving for perfection] is very hard to do and it does create an extra level of stress and anxiety, and it can be profoundly unhealthy. This idea that kids have to be perfect all the time isn’t realistic,” Makris explained. Students often feel that they need to be perfect to make their parents and themselves proud, but going down this path only makes them feel worse about themselves. If students face chronic stress from external pressures, they run the risk of developing serious stress-related health issues that could follow them long past high school.
While Stuyvesant’s competitive environment and the expectations students face can have negative impacts, there are times when they can also act as positive motivators. “It’s really fun to find friends who really care about something and are hard workers,” Hilger noted.
Additionally, the pressure that sophomores and juniors feel to curate perfect college applications can serve to deepen their relationships with teachers. “Every junior, especially in the past and next couple months, will likely feel some sort of pressure to build or continue having a good rapport with their teachers for a letter of rec,” Lai explained. Though one might
expect this part of the college process to make student-teacher relationships more fraught, Lai thinks that it actually does the opposite. “I make sure to actively pay attention to my teachers and go to office hours when I have questions. This has definitely developed a friendlier and more communicative relationship with my teachers,” she continued.
It’s undeniable that for many students, getting into a top-tier school can seem like the determining factor of their futures. “A lot of people want to get into an Ivy because they feel like they have to in order to succeed in life,” Waworuntu explained.
Makris clarified that this belief is a common misconception. “What’s important in long-term success is students’ engagement in college, their academic skills, their interpersonal skills, and more importantly, what they do when they enter the real world and the workforce,” Makris said. “Understanding [this would] allow kids to have a more healthy and productive high school experience and to feel better about themselves, not only when they’re here, but when they’re entering the next phase of their life.”
During the four years at Stuyvesant, it is important to remember that it is okay to fall short of expectations. Allowing oneself to enjoy adolescence and appreciate even the smallest achievements can be far more beneficial than striving for the “perfect” GPA. You are not defined by where you go to college, but how you make the most of the opportunities that come your way.
The Stuyvesant High School Newspaper
“The Pulse of the Student Body”
SPORTS EDITORS
Ava Quarles
Kaeden Ruparel
Khush Wadhwa*
PHOTOGRAPHY EDITORS
“I only play music in class to wake my students up from their beauty sleep.” — Robert Sandler, social studies teacher
“I keep a bottle of Windex and paper towels under my desk to polish my head between periods.” ––Kerry Garfinkel, English teacher “Sometimes I want to chuck my students out the window and into a pile of horse manure.”
“I tell my students it’s not about memorization and the concept must be clear, but to be honest, the concept isn’t even clear to me.”
Neil Wang, physics teacher“I was supposed to give my students a quiz, but I was also hungry so I decided to choose food over photocopying quizzes.” —Daisy Sharaf, physics teacher
EDITORS IN CHIEF
Rebecca Bao*
Phoebe Buckwalter*
NEWS EDITORS
Talia Arcasoy**
Sarah Diaz*
Seth Fenton**
Lily Serry
Sophia Mueller
ART DIRECTORS
Jaden Bae**
Fareha Islam
Nelli Rojas-Cessa
LAYOUT EDITORS
“A former student forgot the sine double angle formula. We never spoke again after that.” Brian Sterr, mathematics teacher “My most prized possessions are my hoodies. They juxtapose nicely with the buttondowns I wear to scare my students on test days!” —Glen Chew, mathematics teacher
David Hanna, social studies teacher“Even when I’m not feeling well, I still show up to school to watch my students get sick and suffer. I purposely cough on them, too.” —Simon Lu, mathematics teacher
“I still wish that I had gotten the Welsh mountain climber’s number 30 years ago. It’s okay, maybe I’ll get DiCaprio’s once I get the chance.” —Kim Manning, English teacher
“One time, I came across a copy of The Catcher in the Rye in the Hudson stairwell that had the words ‘Holden Caulfield has L rizz’ written on the cover.” —Lauren Stuzin, English teacher
“To be honest, I don’t know what I’m teaching––I’m making up this language as I go.” ––Lance Tomas, Latin teacher
“Just a reminder that all communication via social media is strictly forbidden with your Osnabrück penpals; they may be in love with you (or at least the idea of you), but they are 12-year-olds. Schade, Schade, Schokolade…Oh, bonjour Manu!” —Rebecca Lindemulder, German teacher
“I still avoid Ms. Vollaro’s office ever since she gave me a 58 percent on my 11th-grade parametrics assessment.”
“I level 500 square miles of forest every year to print out packets for my students. Why shouldn’t I? After all, paper does grow on trees.” —Mordecai Moore, social studies teacher
David Peng, mathematics teacher“Waves are like women. They have dual nature.” —Eugenius Majewski, physics teacher
“I give so many free periods on double physics days because I like to sneak away to the Hudson and practice opera singing. It helps me cope with teaching about acceleration.” —Thomas Miner, physics teacher
“I have never missed a day of teaching—not even when I flew to Antarctica and made friends with a polar bear for my master’s degree at Columbia!” —Patrick Sunwoo, chemistry teacher
“So what had happened was that I spilled coffee all over everyone’s essays…” —Emilio Nieves, English teacher
To everyone I care about,
I’m afraid to admit that I have been lying to you. Strangely enough, nothing with official importance will ever expose this lie: my birth certificate still says “Gulam,” and so do the attendance roster, my College Board homepage, and my ARISTA tutors tag.
This lie started on my first day of kindergarten in Astoria, Queens, as I was standing in a single-file line that blocked the narrow, gray hallway. While dozens of emotional five-year-olds milled about, I silently rehearsed the lines that my mother drilled into my head. Hi, Ms. Pashalidis, my name is… my name is…
“Hi, sweetheart. What’s your name?”
“Uhhhh… Oyshi.”
My teacher’s eyebrows furrowed in concern. There was no Oyshi printed in faint ink on her attendance sheet.
“Sorry, did you mean ‘Otto?’
Are you Otto?”
“No, I’m Oyshi.”
A call with the main office cleared the misunderstanding. I was not Oyshi; I was Gulam Mayeshah Monawarah. This name was not familiar to me, though I’d heard it floating about in hushed whispers and miserable legal papers. From then on, I’ve struggled to convince the teachers in this small GreekAmerican town to legitimize my real name. But I can’t blame it on my peers either: as years passed, it became more difficult to explain the mixup. How could I tell people that Gulam was just a cover that I’d been using for a year? Then two
years? Five? 10?
In middle school, I realized the full gravity of what had happened. I often dub my tweens my “no-NRI” phase: middle school was underlined by my obsession with reconnecting with my Bengali heritage. I threw myself into the world of Bollywood musicals, the language, clothes, and culture. Most importantly, I learned that in Bangladesh, there exists a bhalonam and a daknam. Bhalonam, literally translated to Good Name, is your legal label and nothing more. Your daknam is what you use in every other context and is more intrinsic than Western nicknames. My brother is called Ishan, which is technically his last name, but to my family, it’s his real name. My mother’s daknam is Nipa, and I haven’t heard anyone call her Nasrin, her bhalonam. My daknam is Oyshi, and Gulam is someone else. A different girl, a different reality.
It’s an understatement to say that I was falling apart at the hands of this two-faced life. Though it seems like a trivial misunderstanding, the split name fueled my larger identity crisis. On my 16th birthday, I invited two non-South Asian friends, while the rest were Bengali friends who’d known me since I was born.
“I’m confused,” my friend probed, looking up from the Netflix screen. “Did your cousins call you ‘Oyshi?’”
“Uh… yeah, it’s just an inside joke or whatever.”
“I don’t know; no one else called you ‘Gulam’ tonight. I felt a little left out the whole time.”
The conversation drifted into silence after that, as my thoughts only grew louder and louder in my
head. It felt quite ironic that on the eve of my 16th, a day meant to represent the transition into adulthood, I was still struggling with something as fundamental as my name. Choosing between Gulam or Oyshi was suffocating me. Without a relatable role model, I felt isolated.
With the introduction of Jhumpa Lahiri’s novel The Namesake in AP English, I found a fictional character to share my struggles with. The protagonist is a child of immigrant parents from the Bengali region of India. His parents’ misunderstanding of American culture leads to his bhalonam and daknam being lumped together into one alien sound: Gogol. Throughout his life, Gogol wrestles with his name and even changes it to Nikhil, something more obviously Indian. But this attempt fails to neutralize his self-loathing (very relatable); Gogol, though he hates it, is tied to his late father’s dreams, his childhood, and his identity. And in many ways, Gogol’s story is mine. Gulam is tied to my best and worst memories: it’s written on birthday cards, etched into door frames, and stored in elementary school handwriting worksheets. If I chose to change my name to Oyshi, that wouldn’t do my identity justice.
Some may say that this is dishonest and simply makes introductions more confusing, but that’s not true. Countries like India, Bangladesh, Japan, and China, and the cultures that they participate in, prove that sentiment wrong. Nam-
FEATURES EDITORS
Dalia Levanon
Suyeon Ryu
Olivia Woo
OPINIONS EDITORS
Ivy Huang*
Gulam Monawarah
SCIENCE EDITORS
Hellen Luo
Jovanna Wu
ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT EDITORS
Lucien Clough
Simone Raleigh**
Santino Suarez
HUMOR EDITORS
Erica Chen
Finn Charest**
Please address all letters to: 345 Chambers Street New York, NY 10282 (212) 312-4800 ext. 2601 eics@stuyspec.com
The Stuyvesant High School Newspaper
“The Data Chip of the Student Body”
EDITORS IN CHIEF
Trebecca Bridge*
Milwaukpheeb Buckswalter*
NEWS EDITORS
Talia Arcasoy**
Trisarahclops*
Seth Fenton**
FEATURES EDITORS
Las Sandalias
Suyeon Ryu
Oliver Wood
OPINIONS EDITORS
Ivy League*
Gulam Monawarah
SCIENCE EDITORS
Hellen Luo
Jovanna Wu
ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
EDITORS
TightCan’tSeeOut Roughness
Simone Raleigh**
Stantino Suave
HUMOR EDITORS
Schrödinger’s Ericat Chem
Finn Charest**
Ankki Dong
Fiona Huang
Elaine Liu**
Jasper Yu-Dawidowicz
COPY EDITORS
Kevin Chan*
Duncan Park**
Ryan Park**
Eman Sadiq
Allison Zhao
BUSINESS MANAGERS
Amber Shen
Christopher Louie**
WEB EDITORS
Lenny Metlitsky**
Ankita Saha**
FACULTY ADVISER
Kerry Garfinkel
* Managing Board ** Editors-in-Training
We reserve the right to edit letters for clarity and length. © 2023 The Spectator All rights reserved by the creators.
SPORTS EDITORS
Ava Quarles
Kaeden Ruparel
Khushion*
PHOTOGRAPHY
EDITORS
Lily Serry
Sophia Mueller
ART DIRECTORS
Jaelly Baen**
Fareha Islam
Nelli Rojas-Cessa
LAYOUT EDITORS
Ankki Dong
Princess Fiona
Elaine Liu**
Jasper Yu-Dawidowicz
COPY EDITORS
Change in Kelvin*
King Duncan**
Ryan Park**
Eman Sadiq
Alligator Zoo
BUSINESS MANAGERS
Ambrrr ItsColdOutside
Christopher Louie**
WEB EDITORS
Lenny Metlitsky**
Ankognito Mode**
FACULTY ADVISER
Kerry Garfinkel
While leaving school on March 2, I saw a small booth with two or three people pacing and yelling behind it. The booth was laden with signs that asked, “Who elected NATO (the North Atlantic Treaty Organization) and the EU (European Union) to start WWIII?” and argued that “China and Russia are not the enemies, global Britain is!” They were handing out flyers to students, trying to instill these ideas into their minds. I was totally confused. Who were they, and where did these ideas come from? Out of curiosity, I did some research.
What I found is that the far left promotes a false narrative that all U.S. foreign intervention benefits the elite and that private businesses that profit from militarization. It shrouds foreign intervention and support for Ukraine under the blanket term of “American imperialism.” There have been many instances of American imperialist interference, like the false justifications for invading Iraq in 2003.
The Bush-Cheney administration had claimed that Iraq was developing weapons of mass destruction in order to sway the U.S. population in support of the war. Unlike Iraq, in the case of Russia’s inva-
sion of Ukraine, this is only a populist half-truth that may influence ignorant readers. The U.S. foreign intervention in Ukraine is not an attempt to interfere with another country’s politics for our own benefit. The profiting of private businesses from militarization is only a bonus of a humanitarian effort to support a sovereign country fighting against an imperialist neighbor, which also ensures the security of NATO’s borders and minimizes the global dominance of Russia. In a capitalist society, someone always profits from contributing weapons and military equipment, and this is not a valid reason to suspend military aid.
According to the far-left news organization The Intercept, “The U.S. and its NATO allies [backed Putin] into a corner he ultimately decided he would not accept,” claiming that U.S. intervention furthers this country’s imperialism. This is completely untrue. Putin has always been aggressive toward Ukraine, and NATO had no hand in that. Putin invaded and annexed Crimea, a peninsula territory of Ukraine, in 2014 without being backed into anything. Within a month of the invasion, Russia had taken control of Crimea. After that, NATO “suspended all
practical cooperation with Russia.” That was after, not before, the unprovoked Russian annexation of Crimea. Like the annexation of Crimea, Putin’s current invasion of Ukraine is to no extent due to NATO provocation. It is a result of Putin’s greed, tyranny, and thirst for power.
Another argument from The Intercept is that there is a lack of debate on U.S. involvement in Ukraine and that “[e]ven the mildest effort at dissent in Congress has been ridiculed and calls for a negotiated end to the war retracted.” The entire article argues that it is right to debate foreign involvement, but it is a moot point in the first place. Many pro-Putin members of the right wing fight against the U.S. distribution of weapons to Ukraine, and many members of the center-left wing argue the opposite. One thing is certain: there is definitely no lack of debate.
The political spectrum is not a horizontal line. It may seem like it since Democrats and Republicans are vastly divided. However, as the spectrum goes farther into the extremes, there are increasing similarities in beliefs. The extreme left and extreme right become ideologically closer to each other than when compared to the figura-
tive center of the spectrum, where political stances are intermediate and often reject the left-right spectrum. French philosopher and writer Jean-Pierre Faye called this the horseshoe theory. On the right, Ron DeSantis, Florida’s governor and likely presidential candidate, told Fox News anchor Tucker Carlson that “helping Ukraine fend off Putin’s invasion is not a ‘vital’ security interest for the United States.” However, Ukraine is a sovereign nation and American ally fighting for their lives against their genocidal Goliath neighbor, as they are being mercilessly killed. While this alone should be a rock-solid reason to support Ukraine economically and militarily, there are even more. If Russia were to annex Ukraine, next would be Poland, or the Baltics—Latvia, Lithuania, and Estonia—which are NATO territories. According to Lithuanian foreign minister Gabrielius Landsbergis, “If a country is eager to cross another country’s border, they’re an aggressor and they will do that again, if they’re not stopped. And they have not been stopped.” Russia is America’s current largest threat, and if Putin finds that he is able to evade NATO at little cost, he may become an even larger and
continued from page 11
ing conventions in many Eastern Asian regions follow a [Family surname, First name] structure, which isn’t officially recognized in the U.S. by most institutions. In parts of Nigeria, children tend to have three “part names”: the oruko (for personal use), oriki (for praise), and orile (which connects them to
By MUHIB MUHIBThe Metropolitan Transportation Authority and Port Authority of New York and New Jersey (PANYNJ) launched the JFK Express in 1978: a direct express subway service from Midtown Manhattan to John F. Kennedy International Airport, nicknamed the “Train to the Plane.” The impressive and unprecedented express service became a hallmark of the 1980s subway system. However, the system faced continued challenges before its discontinuation in 1990. Since the JFK Express did not serve the airport directly, passengers preferred the cheaper A train, which limited the JFK Express ridership profile to mostly people who were more well-off. Train service to the terminals did not arrive until 2003 with the JFK AirTrain, which connected Howard Beach station and stations in Jamaica to the terminals for a fare of $5 at the time.
While Newark Liberty International Airport and John F. Kennedy International Airport have indirect rail links, LaGuardia Airport relies on rapid transit buses from Harlem (the M60 Select Bus Service), the major subway station in Jackson Heights, and the railroad station in Woodside (the now-free Q70 Select Bus Service). However, rapid transit buses limit the capacity of passengers who can go to the airport via rapid transit, encouraging people to take private automobiles, taxis, or rideshares to the airport, which are very inefficient and not environmentally sustainable. On the other hand, Newark Liberty International Airport and John F. Kennedy International Airport’s respective
their community). Daknams and similar practices, such as those of Thailand, aren’t legally valid in the U.S. There are hundreds of naming conventions around the world that I could not possibly describe, which shows the fluidity and multiplicity of names. We ought not to repeat the crimes of 19th- and 20th-century Americans, who urged immigrants landing on Ellis Island to crumple up their
ancestral names and spit out Anglo ones. Forcing immigrants and their descendants to shed naming conventions in favor of a (boring, straight-laced) Western one is incredibly harmful. So, what do I do now? The current convention of having one name and sticking to it for the rest of my life doesn’t reflect the constant, ubiquitous changes that I experience. Having strangers calling
me Oyshi, a name so intimate and dear to my culture, feels as strange as having my closest friends call me Gulam. It’s more than a nickname or a preference: these two namesakes represent different sides of me to equal degrees, so keeping them both reflects my personality best. From now on, I’d like to choose who calls me Gulam and who calls me Oyshi. In formal settings or when I’m with strangers,
rail links, called the AirTrains, cost $8.25 to enter and exit and are free
the fares of a subway line that they would not run) to increase the at-
more dangerous power.
Another right-wing view is that the aid that the U.S. has supplied to Ukraine is sufficient. Ohio Republican senator J.D. Vance has claimed, “We’re at the point where we’ve given enough money in Ukraine.” But without the constant flow of foreign aid from the U.S. and its allies, it would only become a matter of time before Putin takes over Kyiv. If Putin annexes Ukraine, he will see no reason for fear or incentive to back down.
Both the far left and far right support disturbing ideas and beliefs on American involvement in the Ukrainian conflict. Both represent harmful ideas that undermine American security and put Ukrainian lives and Eastern European democracy at risk. The far-left arguments may seem attractive to progressive students learning about American and European colonialism. This situation is very different. These ideas are being used to weed out support for Ukrainian lives and to create a widespread dissent against American foreign policy and intervention in Ukraine. It is important that America and global allies keep supporting Ukraine and that we continue to fight against the misleading ideas of the far left and far right.
I’ll gladly write “Gulam” on my sticky name tag. When I’m spending time with friends, Oyshi rings true. If you’re unclear about which to call me, please don’t play EenieMeenie-Minie-Moe and torture yourself. Just ask, and you’ll get my answer.
Sincerely, [insert name here]
within the airport zone. LaGuardia Airport was under consideration to receive either an AirTrain-type rail link (AirTrain LaGuardia), a subway extension, improvements to bus service, or a new ferry service, with LaGuardia Airport most likely getting one or both of the latter two. Despite the clear benefits of a direct subway line to LaGuardia (which has been proposed several times), the PANYNJ has inflated costs for such a proposal because it would not give them the revenue needed (since they would not get
tractiveness of their airport to airlines through cheaper landing fees. LaGuardia’s “Train to the Plane” should be a subway service because it would offer frequent, rapid service, low fares, and easy access to Manhattan. The current AirTrain JFK and AirTrain Newark run relatively frequently, though with the caveat that they are effectively shuttles from public transportation to airport terminals, which increases travel times. AirTrain JFK users must also purchase an additional fare upon entry/exit to the
system and still rely upon MetroCards, which further increase travel times. Bus service is hindered by circuitous routes, traffic, their relatively small capacity, and most likely a multi-seat ride. The AirTrains also have an absurd $8.25 fare to merely use them to connect to public transportation, in addition to any fares paid to reach the AirTrain station while using them to reach a parked car or to pick up a rental car, for example, is free. Subway services would be integrated farewise with the rest of the subway system and not have additional fares for travel to the airport, resulting in a relatively affordable fare. A subway service, if you extend the right one, can provide a one-seat ride to Manhattan with no transfers required. Ideally, this would be the Astoria Line, as it gets the closest to the airport, and an extension would allow more trains to be run—possibly up to 40 trains per hour (a train every two and a half minutes) if service patterns are simplified, new signaling technology is installed, and the terminus is designed efficiently. It currently takes about 20 minutes to get from the northern terminus of Ditmars Boulevard to Midtown Manhattan, and a three-mile extension to the airport would likely result in a 30-minute travel time.
The Astoria Line should, as a result, be extended to LaGuardia Airport. Stops to serve the local area can be made without severely sacrificing travel speed to the airport (at most, a half an hour ride).
The Astoria Line extension should have stops on 21st Ave at Steinway Street, Hazen Street, and the three airport terminals of LaGuardia Airport, serving the local area and the
airport. New infrastructure should be considered as a part of the construction, such as a new maintenance facility and better connections, which would improve service reliability and enable as many people as possible to use the station. Extending subway service to LaGuardia Airport would enable frequent, high-capacity, speedy, affordable one-seat rides to and from Midtown Manhattan. A “Train to the Plane” must be for all, not for the most well-off, and it must be frequent and fast. Such a service gets cars off the road (“if you build it, they will come”), as it provides a much better alternative to car use, compared to current journeys, where they are so circuitous that the car is a reasonable alternative. Fewer cars on the road are a much better use of scarce space, better for the environment, and much safer for pedestrians. Though it does not resolve the problem of air travel itself, a subway extension certainly makes long-distance journeys much less environmentally harmful due to the decreases in carbon emissions and pedestrian-automobile incidents. An Astoria Line extension could get passengers to Midtown Manhattan in less than half an hour, without even needing to use the center express track that already exists south of Astoria Boulevard, would only cost the subway fare, and would have many convenient connections. It certainly beats any bus service in speed and capacity, no matter what bus rapid transit improvements are undertaken. It is clear it is time for the return of the “Train to the Plane” and its associated jingle, but this time, it would be an actual “Train to the Plane.”
This essay was adapted from an in-class Writing to Make Change assignment, edited by The Spectator.
As an Asian American, it’s easy for me to recount stories of the microaggressions I confronted while growing up. In first grade, my classmates pulled the corners of their eyes back to mock the natural slant of mine. In second grade, my classmates pinched their noses and mocked me whenever I brought zongzi or pork dumplings for lunch. In sixth grade, someone asked me, “Do you eat dogs?” And it’s not solely me who’s experienced this; countless Asian Americans have similar tales to tell.
At the height of the pandemic, we watched these seemingly harmless incidents of casual racism and xenophobia escalate into more: hate crimes and violence against Asian Americans. Hate crimes against Asian Americans soared, increasing 339 percent nationwide in 2021. In New York City, hate crimes increased by 76 percent in 2022.
In the news, on social media, and from each other, we learned the names, stories, and lives of those who were attacked with sorrow and pain. Michelle Alyssa Go, a 40-yearold woman who worked in mergers and acquisitions at Deloitte, was pushed from behind into subway tracks. Christina Yuna Lee, a 35-year-old woman who worked as a senior creative producer at Splice, was followed into her apartment and stabbed more than 40 times in
her neck and torso. Gui Ying Ma, a 61-year-old woman who immigrated from China five years ago, was struck in the head repeatedly with a rock.
Yao Pan Ma, another 61-yearold immigrant who had worked as a dessert chef in China, was knocked onto the ground and kicked in the head numerous times. All four individuals died as a result of these hate crimes. The stories are endless, but these stories all end the same: with the horrific death of an Asian American.
While condemning the spike in hate crimes against Asian Americans, President Joe Biden asserted that it is, “wrong. It’s un-American, and it must stop.” But it is American—anti-Asian racism is ingrained in U.S. history. From the Chinese Exclusion Act of 1882 to the internment of Japanese Americans from 1942 to 1945, Asian Americans, time and time again, have faced racism and discrimination in this country. Many believe these are the only historical events centered around Asian Americans in American history, but that is not the case. Rather, these are the two events students, including me, have learned about, even when there are countless other ones.
There is so much more to our history than those two events. In the Los Angeles Chinese Massacre of 1871, approximately 500 white and Hispanic Americans robbed, beat, and murdered 18 Chinese immigrants. In the Rock Springs Massacre of 1885, 150 white miners blamed Chinese miners for their economic strug-
gles, murdering 28, wounding 15, and driving hundreds out of town. In the Bellingham Riots of 1907, a mob of 500 white workers attacked several hundred South Asian migrant workers. All of these events happened on the basis of race. Though our textbooks have forgotten about these acts of racial violence, they feel uncomfortable and painful yet familiar, resonating with us as we reflect on the surge in the senseless anti-Asian violence during the
for students to truly understand and grapple with American history and its legacy, it is essential for them to learn about Asian American history.
Over the past couple of months, I’ve had the privilege of taking numerous history electives—last semester, I took Jewish History, and this semester, I’m taking New York City History. I’ve been able to immerse myself in courses where I’ve learned previously unknown information, whether
School should implement an Asian American history elective.
Other states have already gotten a start at mandating Asian American history in their schools. In July of 2021, Governor J.B. Pritzker of Illinois signed a bill requiring elementary and high schools to teach Asian American history, making Illinois the first state to require it in its history curricula. A few months later, New Jersey followed in Illinois’s footsteps, with Governor Phil Murphy of New Jersey signing legislation requiring K-12 schools to include Asian American history in their curriculum. It’s time for New York City to follow suit.
COVID-19 pandemic.
Asian American history is American history. Yet, the majority of Asian American history and our contributions has been excluded from our history textbooks, further perpetuating the idea that Asian Americans are foreign rather than American.
Asian American history should be mandated in NYC schools, including Stuyvesant High School, to address this;
it be the Chmielnicki Massacre of 1648 or the destruction of Seneca Village. But I’ve also grasped from these electives that history is far more than historical events and fun facts I can bring up during college interviews; it’s a force that defined the past, shapes our present, and will continue to mold our future. Asian American history is no different—it is part of our past, present, and future. And for that, Stuyvesant High
As Representative Grace Meng (D-NY 6th District) says, “We’ve gone from being invisible to being seen as subhuman. We just want to be seen as American like everyone else.” By mandating Asian American history in New York schools, Asian Americans will begin to be seen, heard, and included— as Americans, not a model minority, second-class citizens, or vermin polluting American society. The Asian American community deserves to feel as though we are more than an “other.”
No, don’t pull your eyes to make fun of mine. No, my cultural food isn’t stinky. No, I am from America. No, I do not eat dogs. If my classmates had learned Asian American history, they would have realized just how wrong they were. Asian Americans are American, and it’s time for us to be treated as such.
Art was the center of my life against my will. While the statement paints me as an ungrateful daughter angered by her childhood, it’s the truth. My parents are artists who find solace in viewing and creating art. They breathe in canvases, paintings, sketches, and collages as if art is rejuvenating. While society views art as emotionally and aesthetically pleasing, my parents’ obsession with art made it unappealing to me. Despite being a daughter of artists, making art was an expectation I couldn’t fulfill since I couldn’t draw or analyze art the way my parents were able to. I am the daughter of artists, but I had to accept that I wasn’t the artist that society expected me to be.
When I was younger, my parents dragged me to museums like the Whitney and galleries every other weekend. A summer vacation to France was centered around the Louvre and Renaissance paintings that bored my seven-year-old self. My mother got sentimental over paintings while I stood uncomfortably and invisibly beside her. I couldn’t see the sparkle my mother saw in Giacometti’s sculptures. I didn’t feel tranquility while sitting around art. I couldn’t draw as well as my mother could at the
age of nine, and I developed a distaste for art museums and galleries because my childhood memories only consisted of walking alongside my parents in
agonizing silence. As a daughter of artists, my inability to see the beauty in art felt like a deformity. However, children are not
carbon copies of their parents—we’re separate entities with different views of the world. As I gained freedom from my parents, I stopped chasing my naive dream of being them. I could decide what I wanted to do even if it differed from my parents’ desires. I avoided museums and gallery openings, and I quit art classes after school. Instead, I indulged in different interests with equal passion: I learned about science and wrote novellas. I evolved into someone different from the person my parents expected me to be.
Yet art couldn’t simply leave my life, either. Despite the pressure and shame that was associated with it, it was important to make peace with art. I explored art beyond what my parents taught me and discovered the true diversity of the subject. I began to view pieces through my own eyes instead of trying to imitate my mother’s emotions. Soon, I learned that the beauty of art is that it’s personal. No two people will have identical reactions to Vincent van Gogh’s Self-Portrait with a Straw Hat or my mother’s Dream in Between. Interpretations, purposes, and meanings of artworks and creating art are incredibly broad. Therefore, I allowed my heart and my desires to guide me instead of
my parents. I rediscovered the joy that is art through sketching in the margins of journals and painting for school assignments. Most importantly, I realized that my parents’ view of art didn’t have to be mine.
As I mature, I understand that my parents simply wanted to share their zeal for art with their child. They wanted me to find solace and ease in the one way they knew. They loved their child and loved art with every fiber in their bodies, so it was easier for them to explore familiar territory than risk attempting the unknown. However, maturing means pursuing interests and taking risks to discover the world and yourself. Schools give students the opportunity to join clubs and start activities in an environment without parental influence. When discovering new interests or reconnecting with past ones, one should do it for oneself.
I have walked past countless walls, floors, and buildings with magnificent paintings and sculptures in boredom, but it doesn’t have to be that way. It’s vital to freely explore one’s interests and learn to accept your identity and individuality. For me, art dictated that journey: a journey of rediscovering identity without expectations.
You open a new tab, and the first thing you see is a video thumbnail showing endless amounts of colorful food. You can see 10 stacks of ramen noodles on the left, three cartons of ice cream on the right, and in the middle of it all, a single person, fork and spoon in hand, crazed eyes ready to devour it all. You wonder how anyone could possibly finish all of that food and why they’re doing it in the first place.
Mukbangs are eating broadcasts that showcase a host consuming copious amounts of food while interacting with an online audience, often for entertainment or audiovisual purposes. Originating from South Korean culture, it has become a popular global trend, appearing on platforms such as YouTube, TikTok, and Twitch. The trend primarily rose to popularity as it recreated the social aspect of dining so that viewers could watch or eat alongside mukbangers without having to physically engage in social activities. However, even with the seemingly vast number of benefits of mukbangs, they also
come with their downsides—they promote unhealthy eating habits, long-term health issues, and animal cruelty. With the amount of food that most mukbangers eat, it’s no surprise that they’re perpetuating extremely unhealthy eating habits with every video they post. In an almost one-hour-long mukbang video posted by South Korean YouTuber Banzz, he consumed a total of 10 packages of ramen with canned meat, kimchi, and a bowl of rice, which, evidently, is substantially more than how much a person should typically eat in one sitting. Mukbangs play into the idea of cheat meals that people who follow strict diets use as an incentive to continue. The problem is that these cheat meals have been found to have strong ties with eating disorders. In a study conducted by Eva Pila of the University of Western Ontario, 71.3 percent of the over 1.6 million images that had the tag “#cheatmeal” on Instagram qualified as an objective binge episode. In another study by Mattias Strand of the Transcultural Centre in Stockholm, Sweden, it was found that mukbangs were
a mentioned topic on Reddit under the eating disorder subreddits r/1200isplenty, r/AnorexiaNervosa, r/BingeEatingDisorder, r/bulimia, and others. Even though the relationship between mukbangers and viewers is merely through a glowing screen, the harm that mukbangs can cause to a person’s relationship with food is more drastic than one may expect.
Of course, consuming so much food can’t possibly be healthy, and there’s nothing quite closer to the truth. Many of the most popular mukbang food items are extremely unhealthy: hamburgers, ramen, fried chicken, and cheesecake, for example. Due to the high sugar, fat, and cholesterol content of these foods, mukbangs take their toll on the human body at a fast rate. According to dietician Theresa Kinsella, mukbangs have many short-term health effects ranging from gastrointestinal distress to fatigue, which may later lead to long-term effects such as heart disease and type two diabetes. Weight gain is another common effect that happens when mukbangers live solely off of saturated fats and caloric intake. Nicokado Avocado, an
American mukbanger, gained over 80 pounds from consuming thousands of calories worth of high-fat fried foods in each of his videos, which caused many unspecified chronic health issues that have required him to use an oxygen tank.
Mukbang videos have also had a track record of animal cruelty. Many mukbangers have included live animals as part of their “menu,” eating them raw. One of the most infamous examples of this is South Korean YouTuber Ssoyoung, who went viral for consuming a whole, live squid. In the video, she cut off several of the squid’s tentacles before drowning it in soy sauce, essentially torturing it before killing it and eating it, all on camera. In another video, she played with the live animals and subsequently poured massive amounts of salt on them, all for the sake of garnering over 40 million views and likes. As of 2021, the video has been taken down from her channel as it violates several video regulations. Other animals, such as Urechis unicinctus, the fat innkeeper worm, have also been regularly consumed raw during mukbangs.
With the growing popularity of mukbangs and their firm establishment in international media culture, it would be hard to put a stop to them once and for all. However, as the problematic aspects of mukbangs include their encouragement of unhealthy eating habits and long-term health complications, strategies such as trying to discourage watching mukbangs may help to alleviate this issue. Video streaming services can add an extra charge for anyone who wishes to broadcast mukbangs on their platform. This way, mukbangs aren’t explicitly banned, but there is less of an incentive to do them. Since most mukbangers stream themselves gorging on large quantities of food for the views and, consequently, the money, being forced to pay extra to do this may drive a significant portion of aspiring and current mukbangers away. This can help combat the animal cruelty and unhealthy eating habits that mukbangs promote. Getting rid of this huge social movement may not be the most effective method, but modifying the origins of mukbangs could have a great impact.
Ramadan, the most sacred month of the Islamic calendar, began on Thursday, March 23. It is a month of bodily and spiritual cleansing, forgiveness, selfrestraint, and ultimate purity. Most people know about sawm, which is one of the five pillars of Islam: from dawn until sunset, Muslims restrain from eating, drinking, sexual activity, cursing, and any form of immoral behavior, including impure thoughts and ill intentions. Religious fasting is a difficult mental and physical endeavor, but it also promotes festivity, gratitude, and a higher connection with Allah (God).
With longer days, shorter nights, and hotter weather, fasting is already a great challenge for students. To prepare for the day, Muslims must eat suhoor before dawn and then pray the morning fajr salat. Alongside their mountainous workload and commonly irregular
sleep schedules, this sudden intervention is a brutal change for Stuyvesant’s Muslim students. A study by the University of Amsterdam shows that over 50 percent of a sample of fasting students demonstrated reduced activity, less motivation to study, and weaker concentration. Though Ramadan is meant to be a physical and mental challenge, schools do not have to exacerbate Muslim students’ struggles.
Schools should do more to assist Muslim students with fasting. While many Muslim-majority countries close schools during the month of Ramadan, it would understandably be unfair to do the same in the United States. As a diverse country with religious freedom for all, it would be selfish to demand an entire month off during the school year and to shorten the summer vacation. However,
around 12 percent of NYC public schools are Muslim students, and the DOE needs to assist this growing demographic. Thus, a one-week break at the beginning of Ramadan is a reasonable course
well: eating at such an early hour can be unappealing, and going back to sleep for an hour before a long commute to school is a harsh schedule. Besides the physical health aspect, Ramadan is a time of celebration as well.
By VIRGENYA ZHUWhat does it mean to get tattoos in languages you don’t know?
Over the years, we’ve seen the rise of people, especially white people, getting Asian or otherwise “foreign” languages tattooed on their bodies. This sparked an internet joke that makes fun of the people who thought they had a “deep” and pretty message inked onto themselves, only to find out the characters really meant something like “refrigerated fish.” These people are the same people who deem Asians “exotic.” The search “Asian tattoos gone wrong” on Google generates 22.1 million hits. Perhaps the most infamous example of a poorly executed “Asian” tattoo was Ariana Grande’s Japanese hand tattoo which translated to “bbq grill” instead of the intended “seven rings.”
Another part of the problem is that the people who now fetishize Asian culture are not speaking out about the systemic racism Asians face. The cultural shift of Chinese and Japanese characters now being “kawaii and aesthetic,” when beforehand we were mocked for our
of action.
It’s quite an abrupt transition to go from not fasting to fasting, and it can take a few days to adjust. Waking up to eat suhoor in the middle of the night can be disorienting during the first few days as
Given the huge chunk of time reserved for school, Muslim families can hardly enjoy the month. Students come home, likely exhausted after maintaining extracurriculars and other responsibilities, to eat a rushed iftar, the first meal to break the fast at sunset, then go right back to work. A week-long break would give Muslims time to make traditional foods for iftar or to go to the mosque to pray taraweeh (additional prayers throughout the night) and just spend the holiday in peace like people observing other holidays are able to.
We have three breaks during the year: winter break, midwinter
cultural food and accents, is stunning but not surprising. Western society continuously shifts between systemic distrust and newfound idolatry. It all comes down to the fact that our practices and lives are shiny bizarre objects to them. They are free to pick, choose, toss, and glamourize whatever appeals to them. We have no control over what new part of our customs will be picked apart for their pleasure.
So, what’s the difference between having “c’est la vie” inked between your shoulder blades and having the strokes of Eastern calligraphy permanently fused onto your skin? The issue comes with the blatant eurocentrism of people who view language this way. Tattoos are a commitment, an expression of identity and individuality, and a way to convey something to people through physical appearance. If your view of Eastern language is that it is something outlandish and exclusive to have on your body, then you don’t really respect it; you fetishize it until you convince yourself that you are somehow morally superior for having the bare minimum knowl-
edge about cultures you dehumanize. Some of the common arguments made for the practice are that the characters are “prettier,” “mysterious,” or even simply for showing off. And while traditional calligraphy is certainly beautiful, not all symbols are profound or pretentious. It is a language that millions of people use in their everyday lives. They are just words, the only difference being that it’s in a language you can’t recognize or explain.
At the end of the day, of course, it’s your body, and if you want to get a Chinese dragon or an ancient Korean quote tattooed, go for it, but think about why you want to get it in the first place, especially if you don’t have a strong connection with the aforementioned things. Too many times, it’s out of a place of frivolousness, not genuine interest.
It’s only skin deep.
The issue doesn’t end at tattoos. To take something that is part of someone’s culture and not even try to go beyond the surface in your understanding of the rich history behind it is telling. It shows that you don’t appreciate ethnic roots
and history as you come and go in your allyship as you please—the ultimate privilege of the colonizer. Simply being able to flaunt your frivolous show of diversity, while mere years ago we were taught that our non-Americanized culture was to be hidden, is the biggest example of picking and choosing from stereotypes that are other people’s heritage.
Cultural diffusion is ultimately good, and in this society, it is inevitable. However, it cannot be adopted willy-nilly because of superficial aesthetics that ignore the cultural antecedents that brought it here. I’m personally a big fan of tattoos, and I don’t think they need to have a deep meaning or history behind them. There is a fine line between appreciation and appropriation nowadays, but it rubs me the wrong way to see people with privilege doing the bare minimum to advocate for the culture they’ve printed on their skin while reinforcing decades-long stereotypes for social credit.
There is nothing quirky about Asian languages, and the oversimplification of them for Western use only goes to prove the euro-
break, and spring break. Schools could easily substitute either midwinter or spring break for the Ramadan break; this would vary depending on which season Ramadan begins. One can relate this to the December vacation. The holiday break is something many look forward to, with festive sensations of spending time with family and enjoying traditions comfortably at home. Ramadan is similar, yet Muslim students currently cannot savor the celebration in the same way. It is about time these students’ needs are recognized by New York City’s public schools and even across the U.S. A oneweek break at the beginning of Ramadan is a fair accommodation that would profoundly benefit those observing the holy month. It’s not asking for something that’s outside the capability of the DOE. It’s only fair to recognize one of Islam’s biggest traditions and the mental and physical endeavor that is placed on the youth.
centric hierarchy that exists within speech and writing. The European and North American dialects that derive from Latin, Greek, Slavic, Baltic, and Germanic languages are commonly viewed as sophisticated, classy, and worldwide, while tongues in the Sino-Tibetan and other language families are shown as gritty and dully traditional, almost indigenous in their “simplicity” or soullessness. This translates to almost everything that we see in the media. Almost every AsianAmerican movie or TV show I see has to touch on some form of struggle, link the themes of the story to tradition, or focus on their othering compared to the so-called baseline.
The attitude towards tattoos has become more lax and powerful over the years, especially in the Eastern world, but the exoticization of Asian language and tradition for personal uses borders on appropriation. The discussion of this is not new and extends far beyond tattoos, but when minority cultures are easily dismissed as trend-worthy accessories, it exacerbates the problem.
In your freshman biology class, you likely learned that every baby begins with an egg and a sperm. But what if genetic engineering technology made it possible to produce a viable embryo without an egg?
Could a baby have two biological fathers? Japanese researchers have demonstrated that, at least in mice, this is a real possibility.
Researchers at Kyushu University successfully raised mice conceived using genetic material from two male mice, proving that a genetic mother is not needed for mice to produce a baby. To do this, the researchers had to overcome several obstacles. First, the scientists needed an egg, which, when fertilized by a sperm, would develop into an embryo and then into a baby.
Since male mice do not produce eggs, the researchers utilized stem cells, which are non-specialized cells that can become any type of cell. To obtain the stem cells, the researchers introduced four specific genes— Myc, Oct3/4, Sox2, and Klf4—into the skin cells from the tail of a male mouse. When inserted into somatic (neither sperm nor egg) cells, these genes create proteins that cause them to revert to the stem cell stage, allowing them to develop into other types of cells.
However, these cells cannot develop into ova (mature female reproductive cells) yet because each cell has genetic material, including sex chromosomes, that influences how it can develop. Cells from males have XY sex chromosomes, while those from females have XX sex chromosomes; egg cells can only develop cells with the XX genotype. Thus, the scientists had to remove the Y chromosome from the male cells and induce them to duplicate their existing X chromosomes. Then, the researchers placed the modified stem cells into a culture containing ovary cells, whose hormones encouraged the stem cells to develop into ova.
Finally, a sperm fertilized the
modified egg cells, and the resulting embryos gestated, or developed, inside a surrogate mother. The researchers produced 630 embryos, of which only seven resulted in successful, full-term births. All seven mice grew up without complications, and even appear to be fertile.
It is not the first time scien-
velopmental problems. The Chinese team also attempted to inject modified DNA from two male mice into an egg cell, but that prevented normal development and caused early death for the offspring. The Kyushu study used the knowledge from the Chinese study and opted to use stem cells rather than modifying the
tists have produced healthy mice pups from the gametes (reproductive cells) of same-sex parents, but it is the first successful experiment featuring two fathers. In 2004, Japanese scientists successfully conceived mice by combining the nuclei of eggs from two mothers, resulting in full-term births. Normally, embryo development requires a chromosome from both a male and a female because different genes are active depending on the sex of the parent. An embryo needs genetic signals from the chromosomes of both sexes to develop properly, regardless of the embryo’s own sex. To circumvent this, the researchers removed two genes from a female’s X chromosome so that it more closely resembled a male chromosome, allowing for the embryo to develop further. In 2018, Chinese researchers completed the same experiment, but removed the third gene, which resulted in mice that had fewer de-
genetic material of an existing egg. Unlike the previous experiments, the Kyushu team’s process yielded no apparent abnormalities, albeit with a success rate of only one percent. The experiments have farreaching implications, as the usage of stem cells and same-sex gametes to produce viable embryos could one day extend to humans, potentially bringing reproductive liberty to many. It could allow people to conceive children using DNA from one of their body cells, providing male same-sex couples or those struggling with fertility the choice to have children without an egg donor. Similarly, the gene modification process could allow people to combine two eggs to have a child, which could help female same-sex couples conceive. In addition, the manipulation of chromosomes is promising for those with chromosomal abnormalities; by removing extraneous chromosomes in their gametes, they could maximize chances of having
healthy children. The technology could also be used to conserve endangered species when there are not enough members of the opposite sex remaining. If a species survived with only male members, scientists could theoretically produce eggs from the somatic cells of males. If these eggs could develop in the womb of a related species, it could restore the population of the endangered species. Similarly, if a species survived with only female members, researchers could use the procedure from the 2018 study to create new individuals, though this method would be limited to producing only female offspring.
However, the team notes that the human applications of this technology lie decades in the future, if not centuries. First of all, it is still being determined how the process would differ between humans and mice. Researchers have studied mice genomes and stem cells for years, but lack the same knowledge of the complicated processes of human reproduction. In addition, the researchers noted an increase in the number of genetic mutations present in offspring conceived through these means, posing serious ethical concerns. Though they did not report any significant side effects in the mice, humans have longer and more chromosomes, which would accumulate more mutations and consequently pose a greater risk of severe genetic defects.
Aside from the high risk, these technologies would likely be expensive and inaccessible to large populations of people. Only a select few would be able to participate, especially since many jurisdictions around the world regulate and even ban editing the human genome.
The main public concern is the ethical issues that would arise when this technology is applied to human reproduction. The procedure’s one percent success rate in mice could cause hundreds of human embryos to die for every embryo carried to term. Even after birth, there would
Olympiad team placed fifth at the New York State Science Olympiad tournament, with remarkable improvement from last year’s overall score.
Japan’s Hayabusa2 spacecraft discovered uracil, one of the most crucial building blocks of RNA, in a sample collected from the asteroid Ryugu
Recent computer simulations suggest that a possible cause of both the Moon’s formation and subduction, which occurs when an oceanic plate slides beneath a continental plate, might come from a hypothetical, Mars-like planet that collided with Earth approximately 4.5 billion years ago.
be endless questions about the effects of these embryonic experiments on long-term health, resulting in constant medical monitoring for research purposes. Not to mention what would happen if serious long-term health consequences arose, which is likely impossible to predict.
Overall, the usage of stem cells to allow male same-sex mice to have babies opens up doors to new possibilities and also major issues. Though this discovery could progress into reproductive liberty for many and the conservation of endangered species, serious ethical concerns are raised surrounding the procedure’s high risk and low success rate; it is clear that this avenue must be navigated slowly and carefully if humans have any hope of responsibly integrating these methods for their own reproduction purposes.
What’s your favorite food? A slice of cheesy pepperoni pizza? Or maybe a super sweet chocolate cupcake? No matter what you’re eating, it will have a distinct flavor. We eat thousands of different foods across our lifetimes, yet we are able to differentiate between them. When you eat a cupcake, it tastes nothing like pizza … but how is that possible?
The five basic flavors are sweet, sour, salty, bitter, and umami––which is described as savory and meaty. You may be wondering why spicy isn’t included as one of the basic flavors. We often consider spicy as a flavor, but in reality, it’s simply a type of pain. The sensation of spiciness is produced when capsaicin, a chemical, binds to pain receptors—not taste receptors—on your tongue. The pain receptors communicate to the brain via neurons, resulting in the hot feeling on your tongue that you get when eating spicy food.
It’s a common misconception that each bump on your tongue is an individual taste bud; in truth, the bumps on your tongue are called papillae, and they each contain multiple taste buds. Papillae add extra surface area to the tongue, which makes it easier for food to interact with the taste buds. Taste buds are groups of taste receptor cells that have extremely sensitive microvilli—tiny hair-like structures—on them. These microvilli have receptor
proteins on their ends that are able to sense food and communicate its flavor to the brain. Taste buds are replaced about every two weeks, which is why when you burn your tongue on hot soup, the recovery time is usually 10 to 14 days. Adults have an average of about 10,000 taste buds but lose many, as fewer buds are replaced over time. Microvilli on taste receptor cells are able to distinguish between different flavors. Your saliva breaks down food into molecules that bind to receptor proteins on the microvilli. Different molecules result in different flavors communicated to the brain. For instance, sweet foods contain carbohydrates such as fructose, sucrose, and lactose.
Salty foods contain mineral salts, namely sodium chloride, while sour foods often contain acids such as acetic acid or citric acid.
Bitter foods often contain alkaline molecules such as caffeine and umami foods often contain salts like monosodium glutamate. For example, grapefruits contain large amounts of sucrose, citric acid, and an alkaline molecule known as naringin, which combine to give the citrus fruit its signature sweetness, sourness, and bitterness. Each receptor protein has a specific shape that only binds to certain food molecules, specializing in only recognizing one flavor. Once a food molecule binds to a receptor protein, neurons send signals to the brain communicating the flavor associated with that
receptor protein. Logically, it would make sense for your tongue to be the body part solely responsible for flavor. However, your nose actually plays a huge part in what you taste. In fact, smell is responsible for approximately 80 percent of a food’s flavor. That is why when you walk into a candy store, even though you are not actually eating candy, you can imagine those sweet flavors.
The process through which your nose contributes to flavor processing is called retronasal olfaction. Your nose contains several million neurons known as olfactory sensory neurons (OSNs) in each nostril. When you chew, the odors from the food are forced up your nose. Hair-like structures on the OSNs called cilia detect the odor, and the OSNs communicate the flavor to the brain by activating a certain pattern of neurons. The flavor sensed by your taste receptor cells is combined with the activation of neurons from retronasal olfaction to produce a coherent flavor. This explains why one of the common symptoms of COVID-19 is loss of taste caused by nasal congestion, which inhibits the effectiveness of retronasal olfaction.
Eating is often considered a mundane task, but the world of flavor is far more intricate than it may appear. Flavor perception combines the extremely sensitive, specialized cells in your nose and mouth to recognize and differentiate between thousands of
different foods. Whether it’s a chicken over rice from the halal cart, a Big Mac from McDonald’s, or the school’s mozzarella sticks, the taste of Stuyvesant students’
favorite lunch items are only made possible by their noses and tongues—the masterminds behind deliciousness.
You are sitting in class, running through your to-do list in your head. As your mental checklist grows longer and longer, you process how many tasks you need to accomplish today. Suddenly, you feel a wave of panic: your heart starts beating faster and faster and your breath becomes shallow as you attempt to compose yourself. No matter how hard you try, it feels like you cannot stop these symptoms. While there is no real diagnosis, these sudden, intense feelings most likely indicate an anxiety attack.
Anxiety attacks are episodes of panic that occur moments after a stressful situation, whether it is an intense or minute stressor.
While feeling anxious is normal, having frequent anxiety attacks is a sign to seek professional treatment. Oftentimes, patients with these symptoms are diagnosed with anxiety disorder, a condition characterized by frequent panic attacks that affects nearly 36 percent of American teens.
Anxiety disorder can manifest in a diverse range of symptoms. It can range from mildly disruptive symptoms––like moderate sweating––to dehabilitating symptoms––like an inability to sleep or eat out of fear. Though anxiety disorder can drastically limit functionality, only 36.9 percent seek cognitive treatment, mainly due to the long diagnosis times. Anxiety disorder diagnoses often require multiple therapy sessions. Cognitive diagnosis can also be expen-
sive, costing anywhere from $100 to $200 per session.
For those looking for a cheaper, faster diagnosis plan, the recent creation of the BioM-95 blood test is a notable option. Developed by Dr. Alexander Niculescu and his research team at the Indiana University of Medicine, the BioM-95 is a blood test that determines if a patient has specific anx-
their life. Essentially, the BioM-95 test uses biomarkers to diagnose a patient’s current state of anxiety and matches them with a medication, determining the most effective treatment plan.
BioM-95 works by searching the bloodstream for the 95 different RNA biomarkers commonly found in patients with anxiety––specifically the GAD1, NTRK3,
The researchers first tested individuals with psychiatric disorders to determine the blood-gene expression changes between self-reported low and high anxiety states. These changes helped the researchers create a list of biomarkers using a Convergent Functional Genomics Approach, a data analysis that compares genes between large groups of humans and animals. The team then confirmed their top biomarkers and prioritized the cohorts of patients with clinically diagnosed severe anxiety. Eventually, they pinpointed the most prominent genes associated with anxiety disorder—the reference for the biomarkers.
The biomarkers present in nearly all three studies were then tested in a clinical setting to determine if they could predict future anxiety development and severity. Working with these data results, Dr. Niculescu and his team developed an approach using liquid biopsies––the sampling of nonsolid biological tissue––to identify gene expression markers that could track the severity of anxiety and match patients to a treatment regimen. This blood test can quickly determine a personalized diagnosis and treatment plan for those with anxiety and is cheaper than traditional cognitive therapy diagnosis methods.
than taking into consideration a patient’s symptoms or personal experiences. While BioM-95 can diagnose a patient, it could potentially miss diagnoses in individuals without genetic markers for anxiety. Psychologists acknowledge the enduring effectiveness of cognitive therapy, which allows for the examination of the scope of anxiety disorder and accounts for traumatic experiences. Moreover, anxiety disorder treatment is unique for each person; for example, medication treatment may not work for those who suffer from stress-induced anxiety caused by something like the recent death of a family member.
iety-associated biomarkers, which are measurable patterns within the body. Patients complete the blood test when their anxiety disorder begins to significantly disrupt
ADRA2A, FZD10, GRK4, and SLC6A4 genes. These biomarkers were identified through a complex, four-step process to pinpoint their connections to anxiety.
The BioM-95 test is not foolproof; though it can determine quick treatments for those who do not have time for cognitive therapy, there are drawbacks. Blood tests are objective, providing genetic test results rather
Additionally, with this line of testing, it is probable that some individuals may be misdiagnosed. Those genetically disposed to anxiety do not always have the disorder and vice versa. Misdiagnosis is a dangerous possibility, as prescribed drugs like benzodiazepines are associated with an increased risk of addiction. Despite these ramifications, this test could be vital for the future of medicine. At Stuyvesant––a highly stressful environment––many of us struggle with some form of anxiety. The BioM-95 test could identify genetic markers putting us at increased risk of developing a serious anxiety disorder, allowing us to take more precautions in order to avoid a mental health crisis. Perhaps we, too, could temper the raging stress within our heads through this new, innovative approach for diagnosing anxiety.
You wake up and find that your throat is extremely sore. You take a sip of water, but even swallowing is painful. These are common symptoms of strep throat, a bacterial infection contracted by millions each year.
Every year, healthcare professionals prescribe antibiotics to treat bacterial infections in over 200 million people in the United States alone. From mild strep throat to bacterial pneumonia, many bacterial infections can be easily treated with a simple regimen of antibiotics, such as penicillin or tetracycline. However, if these antibiotics lost their effectiveness, common illnesses like strep throat could quickly develop into severe rheumatic fever or kidney inflammation. Surprisingly, 80 percent of the antibiotics sold in the United States each year are used on food-producing animals, not humans. The use of antibiotics in the livestock industry has heavily contributed to the development of antibiotic-resistant bacteria.
Antibiotics are used on livestock for four main purposes: treating sick animals, protecting healthy animals, preventing disease, and promoting growth. The widespread use of antibiotics in livestock—such as chickens, pigs, and cows—can be attributed to the agricultural industry’s economic motives. Though factory farms’ massive livestock populations often lead to crowded and unsanitary conditions, they primarily use antibiotics to induce growth and increase the productivity of animals rather than to specifically target diseases that inevitably emerge. These antibiotics inhibit microbe growth in the gastrointestinal tract, triggering the immune
system to promote efficient growth.
With the large-scale use of antibiotics on livestock, these lifesaving drugs are becoming less effective for people. The World Health Organization (WHO) reported that treatable diseases like sepsis, urinary tract infections, and tuberculosis have become harder to treat over time . Understanding this phenomenon requires an analysis of bacterial evolution. When bacteria undergo binary fission––the process which carries out cell division––errors can occur in the copying of DNA. These errors are known as mutations, which are common among rapidly-dividing bacteria. While some mutations are harmful to bacteria, others can provide them with advantages such as antibiotic resistance. Those with beneficial mutations survive the antibiotic and continue to multiply, creating diseases that we can no longer treat. For example, bacteria such as Staphylococcus aureus and Neisseria gonorrhoeae, which cause gonorrhea, are now almost always resistant to the antibiotic benzyl penicillin. Resistance to this accessible antibiotic is especially concerning, as it narrows down treatment options for patients. Despite these concerns, antibiotics are continually used on livestock, creating a positive feedback loop that further increases bacterial resistance.
According to Robert Lawrence, an emeritus professor of environmental health at Johns Hopkins University, using low-dose antibiotics on animals in factory farms sets up the perfect conditions for spontaneous mutations in bacterial DNA. With more spontaneous mutations, the chance of the emergence of an antibioticresistant trait increases. Resistant bacteria can become strains that
quickly spread between livestock in the crowded conditions of factory farms and impact food sources internationally. In addition to these risks, antibiotic use in factory farming could lead to an untreatable bacteria pandemic among humans, as bacterial outbreaks can spread to people, causing serious infections. Normally, doctors prescribe anti-
Drug Administration (FDA) has established minimum intervals between the last dosage of antibiotics and the slaughter of the animal. Antibiotic residues can also be found in the milk of dairy cows, which can only be reduced after a withdrawal period that lasts around nine days; boiling the milk does not get rid of the antibiotic residues. Physicochemical
mandate veterinary prescriptions for antibiotics and ban the use of antibiotics in production. Consequently, from 2015 to 2017, sales of medically important antibiotics for livestock plummeted by 42 percent. Medically important antibiotics are defined by the WHO as critical to human medical treatment.
The WHO continues to combat the overuse of antibiotics in livestock to preserve their effectiveness in human health. Antibiotics used on livestock should be selected from those the WHO lists as “least important” to human health rather than those classified as critical to human treatment. This prevents bacteria from becoming resistant to antibiotics that are commonly used to treat patients. Despite the ban, the conditions of factory farms make antibiotics a necessity to counteract the severe health implications livestock face. In response to these concerns, the European Union deemed the use of antibiotics for the purpose of poor hygiene and unsanitary conditions on these farms illegal.
biotics to treat such infections, but this practice is deemed ineffective when the bacteria have developed resistance.
Antibiotic use in livestock has also led to concerns about harmful residues in food products. These antibiotic residues can cause allergic reactions and digestive problems in humans. To prevent these issues, the U.S. Food and
analyses are mandated to ensure that the antibiotics do not exceed the maximum residue limit before the product is put on the market. Drug and antibiotic residues above the maximum level in food are recognized as illegal by various public health authorities, including the United States Department of Agriculture and the WHO.
Only in the 2010s did the FDA
Despite the harm of their overuse, the complete elimination of antibiotics in the livestock industry would not be beneficial. Outside of growth purposes, it would be inhumane to allow animals to suffer from contracted diseases. Additionally, it is not economically feasible to eliminate the use of antibiotics in the livestock industry—prices would rise dramatically in response to a reduced food supply. The careful regulation of antibiotic use is critical in maintaining global health. Supporting public health advocacy groups and reducing meat consumption by shifting to a plantbased diet are ways that you, as a consumer, can help.
Over half of your body is not human; human cells make up only 43 percent of your body’s cell count. The majority of the human body consists of microbes—microscopic organ isms that inhabit almost every part of the human body. Our mouths hold over 10 trillion of them and our gastrointestinal tracts house 100 trillion. These microbiotas are composed of many different species and have distinct purposes, from control ling vitamin production to aiding the immune system. Perhaps the most surprising contribution of gut microbes is the role they play in affecting our feelings and be havior.
This function was explored further by researchers from Ky ushu University in Japan. The researchers raised two groups of mice: the first group was isolated from microbes in a sterile envi ronment and the second was in a normal environment with mi crobe exposure. The research ers then placed each mouse in a confined space and measured the level of adrenocorticotrop ic hormone (ACTH) released when they faced a stressful en vironmental change. ACTH is a hormone secreted to increase the production of adrenaline and cortisol, which are two sub stances that activate the fight or flight response, a primal indica tion of stress. By measuring the levels of ACTH in the body, the researchers came to the conclusion that the mice not exposed to microbes were prone to anxiety. This study establishes a correlation between the presence of
microbiota and the expression of emotions––specifically stress.
Understanding what causes
fied the crucial link between our intestines and the brain: the vagus nerves, which
the team measured the ACTH levels in their bodies to track the effectiveness of the bacteria introduced. They found that the mice without vagus nerves produced roughly twice the amount of ACTH as those with intact nerves. When the vagus nerves were cut, the bacteria were unable to adequately send signals to the brain to alleviate their host’s anxiety. This indicates that vagus nerves facilitate the transport of neurotransmitters from the digestive tract to our brains. Discovering where emotions are produced can help scientists know where to target treatments for emotional disorders.
brain to trigger the production of certain chemicals affecting human behavior, such as serotonin. Researchers from North Carolina State University identi-
bacteria called Lactobacillus rhamnosus which has been shown to alleviate anxiety and depression in mice. After the mice underwent stressful simulations,
Additionally, research has shown that gut microbes can directly cause mental illnesses; scientists in the Netherlands found that certain gut microbes contribute to depression. The researchers studied fecal sample results of 14,926 participants and identified 13 types of bacteria associated with depressive symptoms. The team researched further to determine why those microbes affected mental health. They found that the microbes contributing to depression were potentially involved in creating serotonin, gamma-aminobutyric acid, and glutamate, which are all neurotransmitters. Deficient levels of these neurotransmitters are associated with negative mood and psychotic disorders, as well as suicidal thoughts and actions. The production of these substances by gut microbes can alter the brain’s chemistry, increasing the occurrence of mental health conditions. Recognizing the specific strains that contribute to depression can help researchers create personalized treatments
for patients. Microbial relation to mental health is a relatively new field of research, but many innovative treatments have been developed. One such treatment is probiotics, which are edible supplements of live bacteria or yeast that promote healthy gut microbiota. Specifically, probiotics that contain Lactobacillus strains––which were shown to potentially improve anxiety symptoms in humans––are currently being explored as promising treatments for mental disorders. Another approach being developed is fecal microbiota transplantation (FMT), which involves transferring fecal matter from a healthy donor into a patient’s gut. A Cambridge University study reported apatient receiving FMT treatment had a temporary improvement in her depression-related symptoms. These treatments are relatively new, so further testing is necessary to determine their effectiveness and long-term side effects.
Microorganisms may seem insignificant, but new research suggests that they play a significant role in emotions. Though most studies have been conducted on mice, their genetic disposition and brain structure are surprisingly similar to humans; rodents share 95 percent of their genes with humans. This means that the results seen in mice have promising human applications. More research is needed to fully understand how gut microbiota affect mental health and the efficacy of different microbial interventions, but these new findings have the potential to pave the way for novel treatments of neuropsychiatric disorders like depression and anxiety.
Vocal disfluencies, commonly described as filler words, are sprinkled into everyday conversations in every language. For example, French, Polish, and Korean counterparts to the English “um” are “euh” [œ], “yyy” [ɨ], and “음” [eum] respectively.
In a professional journalistic setting, these disfluencies are often cut out; The New York Times Manual of Style and Usage recommends excluding word fillers when transcribing interviews, speeches, or conversations, explicitly stating that writers should aim to omit extraneous syllables. Since fluent reading in a professional setting is characterized by a lack of filled pauses, following these guidelines results in a text that is easier to read than a verbatim transcript. Oftentimes, speech-to-text systems strive to eliminate any vocal disfluencies. However, excluding speech and editing out interpolations such as “um,” “well,” “so,” “you know,” and “like” can alter the way we interpret what the speaker is saying.
Filler words serve as traffic signals in the communication system. In his book How We Talk: The Inner Workings
of Conversation, linguist Nick Enfield concludes that based on cross-cultural data, each change of person speaking takes on average 207 millisec onds, ranging from seven mil liseconds in Japanese to half a second in Danish. Hans Rut ger Bosker, a researcher at Donders Institute’s Speech Perception in Audiovisual Com munication research center, says that “The human brain is a prediction machine: we continuously try to anticipate what will happen next in a conversation.” Hence, the gap between one person finishing and another responding is very short. Another incentive to keep the conversation flowing is that when a silence stretches past a few seconds, the delay becomes, well, relatably awkward. At this point, uttering “um” or “uh” serves as a signal to imply that the speaker intends to resume
normal transmission and is working toward producing speech. Enfield notes that this cooperation in conversation reflects the natural distribution tion, in which details are linked and completed by cognitive indicators. From the perspective
of this distributed cognition, the fillers help plug in gaps in conversation, ultimately facilitating fluency and comprehension.
The frequent usage of fillers is associated with an increased effort to recall, search for a relevant word, or acquire new words. A recent study titled Neural dynamics during the vocalization of ‘uh’ or ‘um’ reported that the spontaneous utterance of fillers correlates with higher neuron firing rates and activity in networks of the brain’s association cortex.
The reported neural dynamics reflect the complexity of sentence production involving linguistic processes, including the comprehension of semantics and retention of short-term verbal memory.
Since um’s often occur before more unfamiliar or complex words, toddlers often use those placeholders as cues to gather information
about language through exposure to new words. Moreover, the greater the options for the next word, the more likely a speaker will use “um.” This corroborates with the observations of lecturers in ten academic fields revealing that lecturers in humanities use more fillers than natural scientists. It can therefore be hypothesized that the more structured and formal a discipline is, the greater the verbal limitation on word choice.
Besides smoothing conversational flow, the words “like” and “um” can open windows into our personalities and backgrounds. When we hear “um” and draw on the context of a conversation to try to adjust our assumptions about the words that will follow, we actively step into the speaker’s shoes.
Filling language with those trivial pieces of sound often invites criticism. We are routinely told to avoid them by teachers and advised to edit them out of transcriptions. Perhaps it is time to rescue “um,” “uh,” and the rest of their filler friends from censure; they have clear interactional functions in conversation, mark the journey of parsing information, and help us better understand stories.
Upon entering Thai Villa, your eyes are immediately drawn to the glowing amber chandeliers and bright yellow lamps that give the room a luxurious yet warm ambience. The golden-brown booths and tables are delicately handcarved with intricate designs, while the blue tiles perfectly contrast with the restaurant’s dark interior. The hallway leading down to the kitchens is lined with paintings of the Buddha and steel lamps featuring floral patterns. The soft classical music playing in the background and the pleasant chatter make the opulent setting welcoming.
Located on 19th Street and 5th Avenue, Thai Villa was opened in 2001 by Intira and Norapol Youngphitak, who were both born
Beloved children’s author Roald Dahl made a name for himself through stories filled with eccentric characters and extraordinary plots, inventing unprecedented fantasies and magical wonderlands. Though Dahl passed away in November 1990, his books spark controversy even today; late last February, Puffin Books began to release modified versions of Dahl’s stories, editing words and phrases to suit modern readers. This issue quickly became politicized, contributing to the broader dialogue surrounding censorship in children’s books.
The prestigious author’s censorship seems initially surprising; Dahl has been recognized as one of the best storytellers of the twentieth century, winning awards including the Edgar Award for Best Short Story in 1954 and 1960 for Someone Like You and The Landlady, respectively, and the World Fantasy Award for Life Achievement in 1983. Dahl’s creative stories resonate with children’s imaginations and are filled to the brim with wit and humor. He often writes from a child’s perspective, which allows younger readers to insert themselves into his stories. His books populate classroom shelves across the world, and many of his stories, such as James and the Giant Peach, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and Matilda, have become part of the cultural canon, popularized through a slew of movie, musical, and TV adaptations.
Despite Dahl’s global popularity, his discriminatory behavior has been denounced time and time again. It was only in 2020 that his estate, the Roald Dahl Story Company, formally apologized for his inconsiderate commentary over the years. However, his anti-Semitic views are undeniable; in a 1983 interview with the New Statesman, Dahl trivialized the conditions of World War II concentration camps, stating, “I mean if you and I were in a line moving towards what we knew were gas chambers I’d rather have a go at taking one of the guards with me; but [the Jews] were always submissive.” Unfortunately, these prejudices are baked into several of his stories. For example, The Witches has been criticized for its grotesque depictions of women who enjoy kidnapping
in Bangkok and wanted to give New Yorkers a chance to experience traditional Thai cuisine. While their menu includes classics like Pad Thai and Tom Yum, the restaurant specializes in lesser-known dishes like Shrang Wa Goong (grilled prawn salad served on kaffir lime leaves) and Kaeng Hung Ley (pork belly curry originating from northern Thailand). Many of their dishes are based on family recipes refined over the years.
I ordered their lunch special, which included an appetizer and entrée with a complimentary starter. The special was well priced ($15 to $25, depending on the entrée) considering the impeccable quality and presentation of the dishes.
To drink, I had Thai iced tea, a mildly floral and subtly spiced organic black tea brewed in-house
and served in an ornate glass cup. Many Thai restaurants water down their iced tea or do not add enough condensed milk, but Thai Villa’s iced tea was creamy and flavorful. I began with the complementary mushroom soup, which was light and salty and had a generous amount of chopped mushrooms interspersed throughout. As an appetizer, I had the fried spring rolls filled with vermicelli noodles and mixed vegetables. The rolls were seasoned with pepper and chili flakes, crispy on the outside without being oily.
The entrées came on white and blue china plates decorated with delicate patterns. The Pad See-Ew consisted of broad noodles coated in a thick soy sauce over broccolini, tofu, and mock duck. The noodles were al-dente, and the sauce was
slightly spicy and tangy, complementing the crunchy blanched broccolini. The tofu melted in my mouth, and the mock duck was crispy on the outside but soft and buttery on the inside. Many Thai restaurants in the city make the sauce either too tangy or too spicy, but Thai Villa strikes the perfect balance between sweet and sour.
Thai Villa is a great place to introduce people to authentic Thai cuisine because of its mix of classic and traditional dishes rarely found outside the Bangkok food scene. The upscale ambience and gorgeous seating are perfect for a date or formal dinner. Whether you are looking for a new Thai restaurant or a classy, cultural atmosphere, Thai Villa delivers authenticity in a lavish, 5th Avenueapproved setting.
innocent children and printing counterfeit money; they could be interpreted to represent the “greedy” Jew abducting and murdering Christian children.
Brutality is another recurring theme in his books. Though Dahl’s stories are generally for elementary-level readers, favorites like Fantastic Mr. Fox and The Twits center around torture and hunting. In The Twits, Mr. and Mrs. Twit persistently enjoy inflicting animal cruelty: they apply glue to tree branches to catch and cook birds, as well as force their caged monkeys to hold a handstands for hours.
Dahl’s more problematic depictions range from specific lines—like the Grasshopper from James and the Giant Peach claiming, “I’d rather be fried alive and eaten by a Mexican”—to entire char-
partnered with Inclusive Minds, an organization that aims to promote diversity within children’s literature. The group’s mission statement is not to redefine texts, but rather to “provide valuable input when it comes to reviewing language that can be damaging and perpetuate harmful stereotypes.” Specific edits range from changing a description of Augustus Gloop—a fellow golden ticket winner in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory—from “enormously fat” to simply “enormous,” to changing a reference to The Witches’ titular characters from “old hags” to “old crows.” Dahl’s manner of writing has grown outdated; these negative phrases can be enthralling to children who have never heard them before, potentially reintroducing them into the younger generation’s daily vocabulary.
April showers! Lately, mighty lightning bolt bearer Zeus has been furious; we have compiled the perfect playlist of tempest tunes for reveling in the god of the sky’s stormy wrath. If you are just another rain-walking commuter, come wallow with us on your soggy train rides.
Pagan Poetry BjörkArt-pop
Pictures Of Me
Elliot Smith
references to “mothers” and “fathers” to “parents” or “family” are arguably futile, especially due to the large number of other children’s books published with similar wordings. Rather than targeting offensive language, this edit attempts to address exclusion. It is important to note that Dahl’s time period largely conformed with heteronormative family structures, so the lack of diversity within his fictional households was considered socially acceptable. To censor his portrayal of families is debatably an attempt to rewrite the past and its discriminatory social standards.
Changes in Dahl’s work sparked backlash among his older audience of parents and nostalgic adults. Laura Hackett, deputy literary editor of London’s Sunday Times over-exaggerated the censorship as “botched surgery,” stating that she would rather have her children “enjoy [the original copies of Dahl’s stories] in their full, nasty, colorful glory.” Hackett implied that the censorship of Dahl’s work is absurd and weakens his originality. Though his books may seem unpleasant, she argues for the preservation of his stories over modern day values of wokeism. Other readers argue the contrary, claiming that it is important to develop a more inclusive environment, and that the edits have not bowdlerized the text.
Indie-folk
Poison Oak Puzzle
Indie
City Rain
John Vincent III
Alternative
From the Edge of the Deep Green Sea
The Cure
Alternative Rock
Unloveable
The Smiths
Indie Rock
Time Moves Slow BADBADNOTGOOD
R&B
The Man with the X-Ray Eyes
Bauhaus
Goth Rock
acters—like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory’s mischievous Oompa Loompas, clearly inspired by African Pygmy tribes. The plot paints Willy Wonka as a savior, who freed the Oompa Loompas from their dangerous homeland and invited them to work at his factory instead, incentivizing them with unlimited cocoa beans—their favorite food.
Censorship in Dahl’s writing often regards complicated topics like race, gender, obesity, and violence, which he tends to address in an inflammatory manner.
To inform these edits, his estate
Though many of these revisions are valid, it is important to distinguish Dahl’s British sense of humor—heavy satirical commentary—from offensive descriptions, maintaining the original tone of his words while removing those that are derogatory.
As Dahl’s stories are intended for children, applying limited censorship seems appropriate and reasonable, but also results in relatively redundant edits. The aforementioned change from “enormously fat” to “enormous” lacks a profound effect. Minor adjustments, such as replacing
Unsurprisingly, censorship continues to be a controversial issue in literature. The drive for filtration against discriminatory representations gets labeled as cancel culture and wokeism by those who view this censorship as unnecessarily destructive to the original text’s integrity. Dahl’s writing is part of the enduring censorship conflict because his texts are growing outdated to the extent that they introduce partialities and themes largely condemned in today’s society. Children nowadays still receive exposure to implicit and explicit biases, racial discrimination, derogatory language, stereotypes, and more in the media, but they manifest in different forms than Dahl’s stagnant writing. Fortunately, both editions of Dahl’s books will be available to readers. Those who wish to embrace the stories’ “full, nasty, colorful glory” and parents who wish to impart woke values in their children will have a choice between the two versions.
Because Dreaming Costs Money, My Dear Mitski
Alternative Indie
Not Allowed
TV Girl
Alternative Indie
‘Round Midnight
Thelonious Monk Jazz
Concorde
Black Country, New Road Post Rock
In the east wing of the Morgan Gallery lies the Claude Gillot: Satire in the Age of Reason exhibit, which debuted this February. Scattered throughout the room are works from the 18th-century French artist after whom the exhibit is named. Gillot rose to prominence during King Louis XIV’s withdrawal to Versailles at the height of the Paresian art scene. He crafted detailed, large-scale paintings and smaller ink drawings with strong black or red color schemes. Despite his association with the prestigious art institution of the French Royal Academy, he made a living off of designing sets and costumes for opera and theater—his preferred passion. His art satirizes the era’s social and individual values through whimsical subject matter that merges aspects of the stage and classical mythology, providing a humorous look into Gillot’s view of the early modern world.
Entering the exhibit, museumgoers encounter Feast in Honor of Pan (1710-1715), a drawing created with thin strokes portraying a satirical group of drunk Greek na-
ture spirits raving around a statue of the god of nature, Pan. Gillot adds both shadow and rough texture through the addition of dark lines that highlight the image’s red tones. Feast in Honor of Pan represents the embracement of nature; the subjects are barely clothed, some staggering and others on the floor, all with tilted, unfocused heads. They appear wild, free, and isolated, but still hold human tools and have human physicalities. They are not animalistic but simply representations of humans lost to nature. Some of the spirits have almost maniacal-looking faces with distorted proportions and sharply inhuman features, but the majority of the drawing’s figures have calm but dazed expressions, reflecting the fact that even with fantastical subject matter, Gillot grounded his work in reality. Gillot’s critique of the wilderness’s seduction is manifested in the contrast between his monstrous and tame depictions of mythological creatures, showcasing both the peaceful surrealness of nature and its wilder, dangerous side.
At the heart of the exhibit is its flagship piece: Scene of the 2 Carriag-
es (1710-1712). The work depicts a scene from Commedia dell’arte—a form of 17th-century Italian theater of which Gillot was an avid fan—featuring the characters of Harlequin and Scaramouche. Commedia was built upon extravagant, masked characters representing different comedic archetypes: for example, Harlequin was a dimwitted trickster, and Scaramouche an instigative, arrogant mime. In the painting, Harlequin is distinguished by an extravagant orange and blue outfit and a cartoon-like facial expression, while Scaramouche wears an eye-catching brown theater mask and long white headdress. The details Gillot attributes to both figures make Harlequin look crazy and disorderly, and Scaramouche mysterious and even malicious due to his obscured face, reinforcing both archetypes. The two conflicting figures are shown on carriages ramming into each other in purposeful conflict, swinging their arms out at each other combatively. The dramatic scene of Harlequin, Scaramouche, and their vehicles is colored in warm, saturated hues of orange, red, and yellow against the backdrop of the dull, gray-brown
buildings of urban 18th-century France. Gillot adds depth by coloring buildings farther in the background much lighter than those in the foreground, as well as by giving each building a minimal shadow. However, the cityscape still appears purposefully flat, contributing to the idea that the conflict is playing out on a stage set. The two men’s feud is meant to be ridiculous: two tricksters fighting for no apparent reason but refusing to let the other pass, creating unnecessary chaos.
Gillot’s dual fascinations with theater and mythology merge in Comedians and Satyrs on an Island (17101713). It too features Harlequin, along with other Commedia characters: the clown Pierrot and unsuccessful flirt Mezzetin, whom Gillot reinvents as satyrs. Both Harlequin and Pierrot were personal favorites of Gillot’s due to their shared embodiment of mischief. The two stand next to each other below a group of musicians hidden in the shadows of the theater-like ambiance Gillot, almost as though they are the show’s musical accompaniment. Harlequin and Pierrot function as comic relief, with the focus of the painting being Mezzetin’s ex-
ploits. Given Pierrot’s mischievous smirk, he knows he is not where he is supposed to be, and he too finds it amusing. Sitting to the left of the pranksters, Mezzetin whispers to a nymph, seemingly trying to woo her. However, the nymph is painted with a completely blank expression, unaffected by his words. Through these details, Gillot treats Mezzetin as a joke, only reinforcing his prior characterization as someone who fails to find romance despite his clear, determined desire for it. In contrast with Scene of the 2 Carriages, Gillot uses much softer techniques, painting the foreground with lighter shadows and blending the characters’ faces into the hazy background, establishing a more fantastical, surreal setting.
Gillot’s work seems completely disconnected from reality. From absurd situations to mythological creatures, the art appears at first glance to only reflect the allure of the theater—Gillot’s escape from the high society art world. However, a closer look reveals a layer of his work that is undeniably closer to his heart, using outlandish subject matter to represent, humor, and critique the flaws of humanity.
By DOROTHY HA
In 1920, Asian Americans could only dream of seeing themselves represented on the silver screen. At the time, Hollywood’s only Asian “representation” was Chinese actress Anna May Wong, who was constantly forced into supporting roles that promoted stereotypical “Asian mannerisms.” Instead of allowing Asian Americans to play Asian characters, the film industry hired yellowface actors—white actors who taped their eyes back in a mockery of East Asian facial features. For decades, Asian Americans in the entertainment industry faced heavy discrimination and struggled to land lead roles that were not blatantly racist stereotypes.
But an entire century after Anna May Wong, Hollywood has finally started to make progress toward remedying these years of mistreatment by elevating Asian voices. With the recent box office success of movies like To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before (2018) and Crazy Rich Asians (2018), both featuring Asian cast and writers, Asian talent and stories in film have captured the attention of the American public. Movies showcasing Asian narratives, such as the wildly popular children’s animation Turning Red (2022), have surged in popularity, earning overwhelming acclaim. And just three years ago, the sensational Korean thriller Parasite (2019) received some of the highest honors in film, winning four Oscars at the 2020 Academy Awards. As the first non-English-language film to receive the Oscar for Best Picture, Parasite’s wins marked a huge milestone for the advancement of Asians in film, highlighting their creativity with an entirely Asian cast. Following in Parasite’s footsteps, several Asian-led films have been recognized at the 2023 Academy Awards. The Indian documentary The Elephant Whisperers (2022) won Best Documentary Short Film and “Naatu Naatu” from the Telugu action-drama RRR (2022) won Best Original Song. Furthermore, the wacky and iconic Asian-led sci-fi thriller-comedy Everything Everywhere All at Once (2022) received 11 Oscar nominations and secured
a whopping seven wins. Everything Everywhere All at Once (EEAAO), which follows a strained ChineseAmerican family attempting to navigate the multiverse together, is a fresh and much-needed portrayal of the Asian immigrant experience. With aching honesty, the film explores generational trauma in Asian American families and the struggle to achieve the American Dream, breaking completely away from stereotypes in order to tell an authentic Asian American story. EEAAO’s Asian characters are quirky, flawed, relatable, and, above all, undeniably human.
the world. Yeoh’s co-star, Ke Huy Quan, became the first Asian to win Best Supporting Actor for his role as Waymond, Evelyn’s dorky but lovable husband.
Yeoh and Quan, both immigrants from East Asia, have overcome years of oppression in Hollywood to get to where they are today.
The Malaysian-born Yeoh initially rose to fame after starring in a series of Hong Kong action films and continued her film career in the United States, securing lead roles in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000) and Memoirs of a Geisha (2005). Though these films brought her success,
people like them highlighted in film; in fact, only 5.9 percent of actors in recent top-grossing American movies are of Asian descent. However, Yeoh’s win has defiantly declared to the world that Asian actors are capable of greatness and deserve to be seen. She hopes that more Asians will pursue their dreams of acting and that her victory will help Asian American children feel accepted and represented.
Likewise, Quan’s early film career presented significant obstacles. Though Quan, who arrived in the U.S. as a Vietnamese refugee, received brief recognition as a child for his roles in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984) and The Goonies (1985), he faced great difficulties pursuing acting as an adult. Discouraged by the lack of opportunities for Asian actors in Hollywood, he left acting to become a film producer. He was inspired to return after seeing the success of Crazy Rich Asians. Quan decided to take a chance and audition for the role of Waymond in EEAAO. His passion and versatility brought Waymond— a goofy father and husband desperate to keep his family together—to life. Quan made Waymond more than a disillusioned immigrant; he made him a resilient man capable of overcoming immense hardship, yet also a person whom viewers can sympathize with and relate to. Quan received enormous praise for his emotional performance, and, nearly two decades after he first left acting, tearfully accepted his historic Oscar.
anything but typical. It is poignant, brutal, bizarre, and fresh; it is riotously funny while also being deeply profound. Ultimately, even though the film’s authentic representation of Asian Americans is indescribably important, that alone is not why it won seven Oscars. EEAAO’s brilliance does not rely on the fact that it tells an Asian narrative and has an Asian cast. If one were to remove all the film’s Asian elements, it would still have a compelling storyline, creatively choreographed action sequences, and enchanting visuals. The film does not pigeonhole its Asian actors into narrow roles, but it still manages to celebrate their heritage and the immigrant struggle—that is true representation. The Oscars’ recognition of this is not only a monumental addition to the achievements of Asian Americans in film but also a victory for the entire Asian American community: for Asian Americans who are constantly pelted with harmful labels, for Asian Americans who grew up with only Mulan and Jackie Chan, for Asian Americans who have been robbed of the opportunity to see heroes that have their features or speak their language, and for all the Asian Americans who have ever felt alienated and excluded. EEAAO is a love letter to Asian Americans, whose voices have gone unheard for so long. Its Oscars sweep is a chance for the Asian American community to find solidarity and amplify their experiences.
EEAAO’s well-deserved Academy Awards victories thrust three talented Asian Americans into the spotlight. The Best Director Oscar went to EEAAO’s director duo Daniel Scheinert and Daniel Kwan, making Kwan the fourth Asian to win the award in the Academy Awards’ 95-year history. On top of that, Michelle Yeoh made history as the first Asian to win Best Actress for her performance in EEAAO as Evelyn, a struggling laundromat owner who is tasked with the impossible mission of saving
they also stifled her potential by placing her into heavily stereotypical roles. Yeoh was continually casted into roles as a one-dimensional martial arts master, and even as she gained increasing recognition within the film industry, her restrictive roles limited her from winning any major awards for her work—until recently. The star dedicated her Oscar in part to “all the little boys and girls who look like me watching tonight,” acknowledging the thousands of Asian American children who grew up without ever seeing
Of course, two Asians winning acting awards does not erase centuries of anti-Asian sentiment, but it provides a glimmer of hope. Yeoh’s and Quan’s wins are major steps toward the validation of Asian stories and talent in mainstream media. The recognition of their performances as two immigrants who demolish the stereotype of the docile model minority is an acknowledgment of what Asian actors can offer Hollywood. It tells the world that Asian actors have the capability to play more than the typical foreign martial arts warriors or quiet, nerdy FOBs (fresh off the boats: a derogatory term for unassimilated immigrants) that the entertainment industry often reduces them to; EEAAO is
The wins show how far Hollywood has come in terms of Asian American representation, but there is still much progress to be made. Asian American actors must continue to fight to establish themselves and eliminate the stereotypes that the American film industry has pushed onto them. Furthermore, efforts must be made to elevate all Asian Americans within film, including frequently underrepresented South and Southeast Asians. Progress cannot stop until every Asian American feels represented on screen. In the words of Yeoh, EEAAO’s victories are “a beacon of hope and possibilities,” proving that Asian Americans are infinitely more than the stereotypes that Hollywood paints them out to be.
For many hardcore hip-hop fans, hearing the announcement that
JPEGMAFIA and Danny Brown were collaborating on an album was mouth-watering—a promise of a nuclear collision between two of the most eccentric names in the genre.
JPEGMAFIA (a.k.a. Peggy) and Brown unashamedly represent the off-kilter nature of the overused and vague—but ultimately fitting—term “experimental hip-hop.” They are undoubtedly experimental in their intonation, tone, production, and subject matter; sure, they rap about clothes, money, and women like many other rappers, but they do so through a different lens—Brown is childlike, maniacal, perverted even, while Peggy imbues his lyrics with radical anti-establishment political undertones. The most prevalent characteristic uniting Peggy and Brown, however, is their reputations: Brown, with his high-pitched, nasally voice and delirious rapping style, often described as annoying or ear-splitting; Peggy, with his groundbreaking production, filled with clashing samples, abrasive instrumentation, and adorned with random sounds (ie. the clicking of a pen, keyboard taps, a phone chime). This does not necessarily make their collaboration obvious, but it does make it exciting—combining the wackiness of Brown and the inventiveness of Peggy to heighten their frenzied energies? Whew!
SCARING THE [EXPLETIVES] embodies Peggy’s and Brown’s utter disregard for mainstream easy-listening. If anything, Brown and Peggy actually turn their freak up a notch—Brown’s raps are
“I just needed two seconds to be me.” This phrase encapsulates alternative singer-songwriter Lana Del Rey’s ninth studio album, Did You Know That There’s a Tunnel Under Ocean Blvd (2023). The Grammy-nominated alternative pop superstar’s career spans over a decade. Known for her influence on the mid-2010s’ “Tumblr Girl” era and “Sad Girl” aesthetic, Del Rey interweaves motifs within her albums, ranging from the femme fatale era of Born to Die (2012) and Ultraviolence (2014) to the continually popular Norman [EXPLETIVE] Rockwell! (2019) to forays into more self-reflective pieces, such as Blue Banisters (2021)—her penultimate album—and now Did You Know That There’s a Tunnel Under Ocean Blvd Personally, Del Rey has shown significant growth—from privating her Instagram to her weight gain, Del Rey’s current platform is a far cry from her past influence—promoting healing and self-acceptance instead of eating disorders and sadness.
From the start, the album establishes a clear focus on Del Rey’s own stories, bringing the audience not only into her world but into her family’s. In the album opener, “The Grant’s,” Del Rey describes her family’s immeasurable impact on her and the cherished memories she will carry with her from life to death, ranging from her “sister’s first-born child” to her “grandmother’s last smile.” The track begins with a soaring choir’s harmony that captures its gospel influence; Del Rey contemplates heaven, ruminating on her pastor’s reminder that when you die, all you take with you is your memories. This bittersweet ballad sets the
more unhinged, Peggy’s production is more exploratory in its use of time signatures, beat switches, and samples. Take the title track, for instance, which layers an echoing clapping noise, a squealing saxophone, and a ferocious live-drum kit, over which Peggy and Brown spit outrageously obnoxious verses. This same evocative production is all over the album: “Jack Harlow Combo Meal” is strangely beautiful, layering cha-
in its unpredictability, and draws the listener into the crazed, intoxicated world of Peggy and Brown. This inebriating soundscape is perfectly complemented by the beautiful marriage of Brown’s and Peggy’s distinct styles. Brown raps with an unhinged intensity, swerving in and out of the psychotic with his hysteric, high-pitched laugh and sporadically-scattered ad-libs. Peggy, on the other hand, offers a less po-
dic in its utter falsehood); Brown makes abrupt, witty quips, with bars such as “Like Terms and Services, they all in agreement.”
SCARING THE [EXPLETIVES] is a massive middle finger to passive, easily-offended audiences. Peggy and Brown have undoubtedly pushed hip-hop’s boundaries, whole-heartedly embracing their main criticism of being “difficult to listen to”—a characteristic they acknowledge with the title of their album. Is SCARING THE [EXPLETIVES] difficult to listen to?
For many, it is—radical in its chaos, aesthetic, and intent. But it is also inventive, fun, and mind-blowing: a full realization of the promise Peggy made seven years ago on his 2016 debut album to “take hip-hop out the Drake era.”
100 Gecs—10,000 Gecs
as abrasive, hard-hitting youth anthems, and quickly morph into gentle ballads. There are no rules. No sound is outside their sonic palette; nothing is out of reach.
otic drums over a solemn, simple piano-bass jazz sample; “Kingdom Hearts Key” has a similar effect with its transcendent soul sample that slowly fluctuates in speed; “Heaven on Earth” is nauseating with its stop-and-go sample loops. This production is effective, predictable only
larizing presence—aggressive, yet restrained, emotive in his heavy use of auto-tune and vocal effects. They share a twisted sense of humor: Peggy makes some wild claims, calling himself both the “black AOC” (absurd) and the “black Marjorie Taylor Greene,” (even more absurd, come-
If one had to take the chaotic nature of our fast-paced, everevolving experience with perpetualonlineness and turn it into music, it would sound something like 100 Gecs. Composed of producers/vocalists Laura Les and Dylan Brady, 100 Gecs makes music rooted in internet obsession, reflecting its scattered, disorganized nature with an amalgamation of sounds and influences. Their latest album, 10,000 Gecs, is similar to their explosive 2019 debut, 1,000 Gecs, reveling in creative spontaneity and sonic scatter. The duo’s music is often labeled as “Glitch pop,” but that term does not adequately encapsulate their music—no term can, in fact. 100 Gecs seems intent on ignoring the confines of any label, fusing different genres and sounds into a unique, frenzied aesthetic. They thrive in this glitchy unpredictability: tracks combine ska beats and punk vocals, utilize poppy chord progressions flavored with jazzy complexity, begin
Every song on 10,000 Gecs exemplifies this ambitious sentiment. “I Got My Tooth Removed,” for example, starts as a slow, emotional love song before quickly breaking out into an upbeat track punctuated by flaring mariachi horns. The album’s opening track, “The Dumbest Girl Alive,” incorporates a trap-like percussion section, complete with punchy bass hits and gunshot snares, into poppy electric guitar riffs and glitchy synths. “Billy Knows Jamie” features punky, dark lyrics howled in a manner reminiscent of progressive metal bands like System of a Down before exploding into fullon thrash metal. Most songs on the tracklist have a maximalist, deliberate sound—nonlinear, but never meandering. This is not true for every song on the album, though; there are also simple, cutesy tracks like “Frog On The Floor,” which feels ironic in its lyrical obscurity—“I heard he was telling croaks at the party,” Les sings of the aforementioned frog—but remains strangely catchy, endearing in its unexpected simplicity.
10,000 Gecs is startling in its weird cohesion; listening feels like toggling between different radio stations. Yet it remains consistent in its strangeness, ingenious, and ambition. 10,000 Gecs reflects the crossroads of the younger generation and the multi-faceted, chaotic nature of the internet—yes, there is the occasional darkness and rebellious sentiment, but above all, the album maintains a strange innocence in its experimentation and youthful amusement. The best part of the album is the sense that 100 Gecs is just having fun; listening offers a window into this eccentric and unbound joy.
tone for the rest of the album as a tool to dissect her own trauma and a platform to ensure her own remembrance.
Del Rey pleads for this remembrance on the album’s title track: “Don’t forget me / Like the tunnel under Ocean Boulevard.” The album’s titular nod to the tunnel under Ocean Blvd hints at Del Rey’s darkest fear—oblivion. Del Rey paints an intimate portrait of her life through nostalgic storytelling; she hopes that her music will outlive her, and she uses it as a vessel to immortalize herself. The song’s melancholic, minimalist piano backing conveys the classic timelessness Del Rey strives to achieve, creating the distinct feeling of nostalgia present throughout the entire album. This sound is best showcased in the 10th track, “Paris, Texas,” which is melodic and lullaby-like with a simple, repetitive piano melody. The track is uplifting in contrast with the pain highlighted in the rest of the album and is a clear departure from the darker themes of her previous works. It is different and lighthearted, with Del Rey telling fantastical stories about her trip to Spain rather than bearing her tragedies. In contrast to her previous repertoire, the song’s atmosphere is one of comfort, one of home.
However, in her quest for remembrance, Del Rey reveals even the darkest aspects of her story, most notably in the ninth track, “Fingertips.” Through her slow, haunting melody, Del Rey shares her deepest insecurities—“It’s said that my mind / Is not fit, or so they said, to carry a child”—and calls out to her younger sister Caroline Grant, asking “Will you be with me?” Her
vocals are crying, pleading, with sweeping instrumentals that give Del Rey a platform to express her brokenness and fear that her relationships, mind, and problems make her unlovable. With a discography defined by melancholia, this is not a new phenomena, but in this album, Del Rey delves into deeper, darker memories, evolving her pain in a way that does not necessarily fit her former “Sad Girl” aesthetic, but is instead entirely candid about the reality of her past. And yet, Del Rey convinces herself that she can heal.
In the preceding song, “Kintsugi,” she proclaims that while she was cracked open, “that’s how the light gets in.” By exposing her stories and past, this album is Del Rey’s way of finding peace. In comparison to albums like Ultraviolence and Born to Die, her pain is neither glamorized nor bemoaned like in Blue Banisters; she solely accepts her pain, which is slowly being replaced with fulfillment. No longer does Del Rey’s abuse feel “like a kiss”; a healing light is finally shining through.
However, Did You Know That There’s a Tunnel Under Ocean Blvd has already faced some backlash, most notably for Del Rey’s decision to feature pastor Judah Smith on “Judah Smith Interlude.” This track consists of one of Smith’s sermons, a controversial choice given Smith’s controversial beliefs; he advocated for conversion therapy, calling homosexuality a sin as well as referring to masturbation as a weapon. The controversy follows many of Del Rey’s former problematic actions, from blatant acts of cultural appropriation—wearing a Native American headdress in the “Ride” music video and adopting a falsified
Spanish accent—to carelessness at fan events during the height of the pandemic; Del Rey is not an unproblematic individual. But in a way, Del Rey’s muddled past makes Smith the perfect featured artist. The song addresses many different daily sins— “lusting after your neighbor,” not “lov[ing your] wife anymore”—and emphasizes the presence of God despite this. Likewise, Del Rey certainly has her own flaws and mistakes, but this track emphasizes the importance of accepting them and moving forward. Despite this erroneous choice of speaker, the interlude was used as a way to address the album’s main purpose: Del Rey’s self-reflection. At the end of his sermon, Smith declares, “I’ve discovered my preaching is mostly about me,” similar to how Del Rey wrote the album for herself.
Additionally, Del Rey’s experimentation with more avant-garde music styles is a major detractor from the album. From R&B to rap to remixes, the album is a vibrant stew of different musical genres and motifs, with some working better than others. Because of the personal nature of Did You Know That There’s a Tunnel Under Ocean Blvd, this clumsy experimentation only distracts from the true message of Del Rey’s songs. As an example, while the first section of “A&W” is a haunting examination of American culture’s twisted perception of female sexuality—“If I you told you that I was raped / Do you really think that anybody would think / I didn’t ask for it?”—the second is an immature Born to Die-era diversion that betrays the album’s depth and intensity, with Del Rey’s repeated chanting of “Jimmy, Jimmy, cocoa puff, Jimmy, Jimmy, ride.”
Despite this largely failed attempt at modernism, Del Rey’s experimentation is not without success. In “Taco Truck x VB,” for instance, Del Rey combines “Taco Truck”—a newly written song— with Norman [EXPLETIVE] Rockwell’s “Venice [EXPLETIVE].” The song begins with moody acoustic guitar plucking and Del Rey’s hypnotic vocals before transitioning into the familiar synth soundscape of “Venice [EXPLETIVE],” whose breathy vocals are elevated with an R&B twist. The combination of Del Rey’s various music styles and eras is an uncustomary use of her musical motifs but one in which the different sections blend together to form a thrilling and seamless musical number. The amalgamation is not a diversion but rather a reflection on Del Rey’s different eras and corresponding growth, a nod to her musical past that complements the album’s focus on her personal past.
Ultimately, the album is an incredibly personal one, with few inherently detracting features from Del Rey herself. From the heart wrenching chords of “Fingertips” to the nostalgic lullaby of “Paris, Texas” to the experimental remix of “Taco Truck x VB,” Did You Know That There’s a Tunnel Under Ocean Blvd is a stunning blend of Del Rey’s memories, stories, smiles, and tears. Despite the many controversies and imperfections, the beauty of the album lies in its flaws. Del Rey is not perfect, and she does not shy away from her flaws or past experiences. With tracks ranging from piercing and heartbreaking to lullaby-esque, the album is a window into Del Rey’s life—a way for her to be remembered.
Name: Nurdaulet Kaishibayev
Grade: Senior
Height: 5’ 10”
Hair Color: Black
Eye Color: Black
Date of Birth: 05/24/04
Name: David Tang
Grade: Senior
Height: 5’ 10”
Hair Color: Brown
Eye Color: Brown
Date of Birth: 06/03/05
By YASHNA PATEL and FREDERIK SCHUTZ1. When and how did you start playing volleyball? How long have you been on the Beasts, the Stuyvesant boys’ varsity volleyball team?
N: So, for me at least, I started playing volleyball [during my] freshman year, like the end of first semester, the beginning of second semester. I wanted to try out for a sports team because that’s one thing I wanted to do in high school. So I think I chose volleyball for two main reasons. One was definitely Haikyu! It really got us hyped and, you know, we watched anime a lot so that definitely contributed to our interest. But also, I was just randomly watching Olympic videos and stumbled across volleyball. And so I thought, yeah, this is really cool. So I joined the Beasts my freshman year. So I’m guessing this is my fourth year? Yeah, technically third or fourth year.
D: I started in eighth grade. I was on my middle school team. I’ve been playing since freshman year. My mom used to play in high school and she would tell me “I was the captain back then,” so you know, I have to carry on the legacy.
2. Do you participate on an outside team, and how does your experience on the Stuyvesant team differ?
N: I currently play in NYC VBA, which is a club team in New York City. It’s a pretty new, recent team but the difference between the experience of playing with those guys and the experience of playing
Coming off a forgettable 2022 season where Stuyvesant’s lacrosse team, the Peglegs, went a lackluster 1-8, expectations could not be any lower. In fact, the team has not had a winning season since before the COVID-19 shutdowns, so it seemed as if the story of this season had already been written. However, every season presents a new opportunity to change the narrative. Still, the question remains: which version of the Peglegs will we see this year?
The 2023 Peglegs boast arguably the most talented squad in recent memory. Though a significant amount of the team has little to no experience with lacrosse, the new recruits are picking up the sport faster than they can pick up a ground ball.
Additionally, the ground-breaking PSAL All-Access Program now allows athletes from public high schools all over Manhattan to suit up for Stuyvesant for the first time in history. The Peglegs have picked up some stars through this program, adding even more talent to an already stacked roster. Senior midfielder Bryce Knight, from Graphics Campus, is the latest addition to the team. A commit to the
with the Beasts is definitely noticeable. Everyone there is honestly really experienced and skilled, whereas, on the Beasts, we usually take a lot of new members and then kind of train them. On NYC VBA, obviously, we still have people, including myself, who are still developing their skills. But I want to say that the level of play is way higher there. You kind of have more expectations of people. And there are also people who have a lot more expectations of you, compared to Stuyvesant, where you still have great expectations, but then you’re not expecting them to do super amazing things. Because, you know, they’re starters, and they’re still learning.
D: I play on the same club team as Nurd. And yeah, I think it’s definitely a different level. It’s definitely way more competitive, I would say. And I think our team definitely has a lot of people that just play for fun, I guess. But for our club, it’s more serious, in a way. And yeah, I think there’s definitely a skill gap between the two. So, we kind of have a few club players on our team, and so I think the club players on our team definitely try to help out the other kids on our team, like the newer players.
3. Do you have a most memorable/proud moment with the Beasts?
N: I want to say last year, when we went undefeated in the regular season. We went 10-0. Unfortu-
nately, we did end up getting defeated in the second or third round of playoffs, but a lot of the guys were coming back from COVID, [a time when] they obviously weren’t playing, and in our first year back, we went undefeated. I wasn’t only proud of myself, but I was also really, really proud of the team and the progress we’ve made.
D: I would probably say the same thing: going undefeated. I think our last league game––I remember it was really close. We called a timeout and we’re in a huddle, and our coach goes, “Nurd just set the ball to David, and David finish it off”. And after we came out of the timeout that’s exactly what happened, and we ended up winning by one point. So that’s my proudest moment.
4. What are the best and worst parts of volleyball?
N: The best version of volleyball is when you’re winning. But for me, volleyball is the thing that I was able to find peace in and discover myself and my rhythm. Freshman year and sophomore year, when we were kind of transitioning through COVID, it was really tough being at home all the time and not being able to do your hobby. I was introduced to the world of club volleyball and college and professional volleyball. There’s just so much stuff out there you can consume, and it never gets old. [...] If I’m feeling down, I just go play some volleyball on the
courts, and [I] feel better. With that said, I feel like it can really start to get in your head when you start messing up. [...] When I start to kind of be more inconsistent and start messing up more, I put more pressure on myself. And because volleyball is a team sport, you can only touch the ball once. I feel like your job as a team player becomes just that much more important. So any mistakes that you make could really reflect heavily on the team, and I feel like that kind of mental pressure can get to you sometimes.
D: The best thing about volleyball is probably building connections with your teammates until it’s a big family. Because I know from my club team, we’re a really tight-knit family. We always help each other out, even outside of volleyball. So, here too, we’re trying to build these connections with each other. And, we’re trying to build our own Beasts family. I think the worst thing about volleyball is how much time it takes up because I have spent so much time playing volleyball, between club and school, and even playing for fun. It’s a really big part of my life. I could have probably spent it doing work or something.
5. Do you have a service routine? What is it?
N: I personally don’t have a service routine. My go-to service is a float. But sometimes, randomly, I take the ball and just hit it down against the floor a couple times and then just serve.
D: I take the ball. I dribble it five times. And then I serve. I don’t know why. That’s just what I go with. Every time when I go back to the line, people will be making noise, and that’s my way of zoning in. And then, if I’m thinking topspin, I hold the ball out [...] and take a deep breath before I refresh.
6. Do you have any pregame superstitions or rituals?
N: We tried to visualize a lot. Anytime it’s an important match, on the way there and when we have some free time, we close our eyes, relax to meditation music, and try to visualize what we’re going to do on the court. And that’s it. I’m going to hit it straight down. And the
D3-powerhouse Tufts University, Knight brings talent that goes beyond his two years of experience. Without this program, athletes such as Knight would’ve never had an opportunity to display their talents.
“I wouldn’t be able to do anything productive and I wouldn’t be able to play lacrosse,” Knight said when asked about what he would be doing if not playing for Stuyvesant. The chance to play for Stuyvesant will allow him to develop his skills even more before he continues his career at Tufts. Likewise, Coach Michael Tauber sees a bright future for the PSAL All-Access Program. “We’ve benefited a lot from this program; we have two new starters, and I can definitely see it expanding in the future,” he said.
Regardless of the Peglegs’s talent, their lack of experience showed in their first match of the season against the Brooklyn Tech Engineers. For many starters, it was their first time playing an official game of lacrosse. The Peglegs quickly fell behind, giving up seven scores in the first quarter alone to find themselves down 7-0. Entering the second quarter, however, the Peglegs refused to be disheartened by this deficit, rallying to outscore the En-
gineers 5-2. The momentum shifted in the Peglegs’s favor after senior midfielder Ariel Fuchs laid the boom on an opposing defender, sending him flying to the ground. Fuchs’s display of physicality proved to be a spark for the Peglegs going into the half, instilling a renewed sense of confidence. The second half was a vastly different ball-game, as the Peglegs and Engineers were neckand-neck. The Peglegs defense was stifling, limiting the Engineers to just four scores in the second half. “We played a much better game after the first half, and it was actually a very contested game,” Tauber said.
Despite their best efforts, the Peglegs were unable to overcome the deficit, losing 13-6. “It was just mental mistakes,” freshman midfielder Matthew Lee said.
The sentiment was echoed by senior defender William Opich. “They’re not a better team; they just outplayed us,” Opich said. The entire team knew that they were better than this. Eager to prove themselves, the Peglegs now set their sights on their next game against the Eagle Academy Eagles, looking to have a stronger defensive showing.
The Peglegs are keen on changing the narrative about Stuyvesant
point is to really specifically visualize how you’re going to do it. Let it flow through you, and feel how your hands are going to move everything, down to the last bit. And the cheer, too. It’s a thing that we invented last year with Deven Maheshwari (‘22) when he was a captain: the SpongeBob cheer. And that always got us in the mood.
D: I always say visualization, too. I just put my headphones in. I’ve let it blast rap, or R&B, or even classical, like Mozart or Beethoven. I just close my eyes and visualize what I’m going to do there in the game.
Nurd
Funniest Teammate: Aidan
Chan
Favorite VB Player: Micah
Christenson
Brand of VB Shoes: Nike
Playing on Full or Light
Stomach: Medium Stomach
Favorite Sports Drink: Green
Gatorade
Favorite Post-Game Snack:
Sweet Green
Jersey Number: 11
Hobbies: Playing music, video games, medicine
Motto to Live By: Be yourself… life gives you lemon
Fun Fact: I’m from Kazakhstan.
Favorite Chant: Who let the dogs out.
David Funniest Teammate: Aidan
Chan
Favorite VB Player: Yūki
Ishikawa
Brand of VB Shoes: New Balances
Playing on Full or Light Stomach: Medium Stomach
Favorite Sports Drink: Light
Blue Gatorade
Favorite Post-Game Snack:
Sweet Green
Jersey Number: 13 Hobbies: Video games, eating Motto to Live By: You miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take.
Fun Fact: I am a TikToker.
Favorite Chant: Who let the dogs out.
lacrosse this year. The Peglegs are in the midst of a four-year playoff drought––one of the longest of any team in their league. This lack of recent success has left Tauber unfettered: “our goal every year is to improve on the last and make the playoffs,” he said. Despite the Peglegs’s slow start, Tauber’s resolve is unbothered and perhaps even stronger than ever after seeing the promise of his team’s potential. His leadership and poise are that of a coach with years of experience.
Don’t let his “first-year” title fool you—Tauber is no stranger to coaching. With more than a decade of experience coaching Stuyvesant’s football team, it’s safe to say that he knows what he’s doing. “I’ve had the privilege of playing for Coach Tauber for four years since I play on football. It’s just great to have him be my coach one last time,” senior midfielder Ariel Fuchs said.
The Peglegs practice at Pier 40 every day to perfect their craft, honing their skills to become the best versions of themselves. “Even though Coach Tauber might not have as much experience, the way he runs practice is great. He puts us in in-game situations and runs a tight ship around here,” senior attacker
Derek Zang said.
The Peglegs have fostered a special environment where development and team chemistry can thrive. “Everyone is so supportive and always willing to help. It’s nice to know that there are other beginners who are, like me, putting in the work,” senior Efe Killic said. At the rate that the Peglegs are improving, there’s no limit to how great they can be.
It’s no secret that the Peglegs are an upperclassmen-heavy team; only seven out of the 25 rostered are underclassmen. When asked about the lack of youth on the team, freshman Matthew Lee, the lone first-year on the Peglegs, said “It just means that we get more attention and more chances to improve.”
The upperclassmen on the Peglegs are devoted to the development of the youth in order to pass the torch. “We’re trying to help [the underclassmen] so that they can take over the team when the seniors graduate,” Zang said. Fledgling Peglegs are in good hands. With nine seniors in key positions graduating, the team’s youth must step up to the challenge of filling those spots. Considering how bright their future is, there’s no reason to believe they can’t.
Over the last few weeks, the NCAA has hosted its 84th annual Men’s Division I Basketball Tournament, more commonly known as March Madness. The single-elimination tournament showcases 64 of the nation’s top college teams (68 including the play-ins), competing against each other to claim the national championship. It is one of the most anticipated college sports events, and this year’s matchups did not disappoint. Take a look at some of the most heartbreaking upsets and record-setters from this year’s tournament.
(4) Virginia vs. (13) Furman, First Round - March 16
Only two games into the first round and we saw the first upset of the tournament, when the 13-seed Furman Paladins faced off against the four-seed Virginia Cavaliers. The last time Virginia and Furman each made the tournament was in 2020 and 1980, respectively. Many people thought Virginia would easily take this game, as they were six-point favorites. Virginia led by as much as 12 points until the five-minute mark, when Furman forward Jalen Slawson scored a tough and-one, putting Furman up by three. The crowd erupted, and Virginia fans were in disbelief that their opponents were coming back. After a couple of lead changes, Furman found themselves down three with the ball, and there were 27 seconds left on the clock. Paladins guard Marcus Foster hoisted an off-balanced three—which hit the back of the rim. With the shot clock turned off, Furman had no other option but to foul, sending Virginia guard Kihei Clark to the line. After Clark missed one free throw, Furman trailed by four points—there was still hope.
Furman quickly went down the length of the court and drove to the basket, drawing a shooting foul in the process. After center Garrett Hien sank two clutch free throws with 12.3 seconds remaining, Furman full-court pressed to potentially come up with a steal or foul immediately. In shocking fashion, they trapped Clark in the corner, forcing him to throw an errant pass that landed in the hands of Hein at midcourt. Hein quickly swung the ball to guard JP Pegues, who launched a potential game-winning three. The crowd roared in shock as they watched the ball fall through the net. The Furman bench stormed the
floor as they pulled off an improbable win, busting over 16.3 million perfect brackets. “It has been at least 50 times I’ve watched that specific clip. I was just so numb to the fact at first. I couldn’t believe it,” Pegues said about his shot. Even though Furman went on to lose in the second round against San Diego State, their first-round upset was an incredible way to kick off the tournament.
(1) Purdue vs. (16) FDU, First Round - March 17
It’s extremely rare to see a oneseed lose in the first round. In fact, it’s only happened once in the tournament’s history when UMBC beat Virginia in 2018. Going into Friday’s matchup, top seeds were 150-1 against 16-seeds. Despite all the odds against them, the Fairleigh Dickinson University Knights (FDU) came in with confidence and heart. “The more I watch Purdue, the more I think we can beat them. Let’s go shock the world,” FDU coach Tobin Anderson said to his team before the game. FDU came out playing at an extremely fast pace, using their small size to their advantage. On the other hand, Purdue revolved their offense around their star 7’4” center Zach Edey. The score was neck-and-neck for the majority of the game, with both teams exchanging offensive runs. With 55.6 seconds left, FDU found themselves up three with the ball, 61-58. The Knights ran the clock down to 35 seconds before guard Grant Singleton drove strong to the basket and attempted a lefthanded layup, only to be emphatically rejected off the glass by Edey. With 19.7 seconds remaining, Purdue had a chance to tie up the game with a three or cut the lead down to one. They decided to go with the latter; guard Braden Smith quickly went left and laid the ball up. But in a remarkable feat of athleticism, FDU forward Sean Moore leaped into the air and swatted the ball out of bounds, taking the soul out of Purdue.
“FDU” chants started echoing from the crowd—the people wanted to see the Knights pull off the upset. After Purdue air-balled a game-tying corner three and fouled immediately, FDU sank two free throws, which effectively put the game out of reach. For the second time in March Madness history, a 16-seed beat the oneseed. FDU embodied the classic underdog spirit and broke all remaining perfect brackets with their win. They accomplished the unthinkable, the
supposed impossible. When all eyes were on them, FDU executed and shut down what many may have considered one of the top teams in the tournament. The Knights would go on to be defeated by FAU in the second round, but they certainly established their name in the history books.
(3) Kansas St. vs. (7) Michigan St., Sweet Sixteen - March 23
In one of the most exciting and historic games of the tournament, the Kansas State Wildcats faced off against the Michigan State Spartans for the first matchup of the Sweet Sixteen. Both teams had demonstrated strong offense and equally dominating defense in the first round. The game was expected to come down to the wire, and it did not disappoint. The teams exchanged tough baskets and ran up the score—there ended up being 14 ties and 16 lead changes. With 10 seconds remaining in regulation, the Spartans found themselves down two, 80-82. Guard Tyson Walker dribbled to the top of the key, shook his defender, and banked it in from the left side. For the first time in this year’s tournament, the game went into overtime.
The scoring frenzy continued in overtime, and the crowd was electric. Kansas State’s point guard Markquis Nowell had been playing exceptionally, directing the team and stepping further into the spotlight in the final minutes. With one minute to go and the score tied at 92, Nowell threw up an almost no-look lob from the logo to teammate Keyontae Johnson, who reverse-jammed it home. After Michigan State missed a second free throw that would have tied the game, Nowell looked to run the clock down. He launched a wild shot from the logo that ended up being tipped out of bounds. With 4.7 seconds on the shot clock and 17.4 seconds remaining, Nowell inbounded it to Ismael Massoud, who drilled a baseline jumper. Not only did that give Kansas State three points, but it also gave Nowell his 19th assist, an all-time March Madness record. Michigan State had one last chance to tie up the game and send it to double overtime. But again, Nowell showed up and stripped the ball on a three-point attempt, sealing the victory for Kansas State in the highest-scoring game of the tournament.
Two Upsets in One Night
The second day of the Sweet 16
featured two matchups between a one-seed and a five-seed. Two other one-seeds had already been knocked out of the tournament, so the pressure was on for these teams. The first game was between (1) Alabama and (5) San Diego State. Both teams had played exceptionally well, beating their opponents in the previous round by over 20 points. Alabama started the game off strong, leading by more than nine at the start of the second half. However, San Diego State was able to gain momentum and go on a 23-5 run, which effectively concluded the game. Now, three one-seeds had fallen before the Elite Eight, a feat that has only been seen four times in tournament history. Could the fourth be taken down as well?
The second game was between (1) Houston and (5) Miami. Houston was a 7.5-point favorite going into the game, but Miami could definitely put up a fight based on their first and second-round performances. To everyone’s surprise, Miami controlled most of the game, and Houston never saw a lead in the second half. Led by their guard Nijel Pack, who dropped 26 points on 7-10 from three-point range, Miami had also done the improbable and taken down the final one-seed. For the first time in Men’s March Madness history, no one-seeds made it to the Elite Eight.
(9) FAU Takes Flight
Out of all the teams still in the running for the national title, the Florida Atlantic Owls were the least expected to get this far. The last time they made the tournament was in 2002, and they were first-round exits. This year, they came playing with a chip on their shoulder, wanting to make a statement. The Owls faced off against the Memphis Tigers in the first round, and experts were already saying that the Tigers would beat not only FAU but also Purdue in the next round. These predictions proved to be wrong—not only did Purdue get upset, but FAU also defeated the Tigers in a shocking ending. With 19.8 seconds remaining, the Tigers were up 65-64 and needed to inbound the ball from their opposite baseline. FAU was playing an aggressive full-court press, hoping to get a quick steal and score. In a similar fashion to the Furman game, the Owls picked off a bad pass from Memphis guard Kendric Davis and now had a chance to ice the game. FAU guard Nick Boyd tried driving to the paint
For most of us, the Olympics are something we watch on TV once every two years, but on Wednesday, March 29, courtesy of the Sophomore Caucus, part of the Olympics came to Stuyvesant––in the form of two-time Olympic figure skater and medalist, two-time World Championships bronze medalist, 14-time major ISU medalist, nine-time national medalist, three-time national champion, and 2021 Skate America Champion Vincent Zhou. Before his Stuyvesant visit, we interviewed Zhou, who is currently a college sophomore studying economics at Brown University, to gain some insight about his athletic career. Watching athletes compete on TV can create a sense that elites on the screen need to be devoid of human vulnerabilities in order to reach their elite level of success. However, the reality is that to reach the pinnacle of their sport, part of an athlete’s “training” is to conquer, or at least manage, common challenges such as self-doubt, anxiety, and inner demons. “Throughout my athletic career, the greatest challenge I’ve faced has been myself,” Zhou said. Zhou speaks often about the mental chal-
lenges he has encountered through social media and in interviews.
One particularly cruel and unfortunate obstacle came during last year’s Olympics when Zhou tested positive for COVID-19 during arguably the most important week of his life. In the month leading up to the 2022 Beijing Olympics, Zhou took every health precaution possible to avoid COVID, from only interacting with the handful of people he would be traveling to the Olympics with to double masking. Despite all his efforts, the day before the men’s individual event, Zhou tested positive for COVID and was forced to withdraw. Adding insult to injury, roadblocks were thrown in his way even until the end of the Olympics, as Zhou was denied entry to the Closing Ceremony for being flagged as a COVID close-contact risk, despite being allowed to perform in the figure skating exhibition earlier the same day. While these events were devastating, especially mentally, Zhou found the motivation to push past these setbacks and compete at the Figure Skating World Championships in Montpellier, France about a month after the Olympics. When asked about his thoughts at that point, Zhou described that upon entering the com-
petition, he remained concentrated on the present moment and not his past shortcomings. “It doesn’t matter how I skated yesterday; it only matters how I perform in this one moment,” he said. In a testament to the power of his mental tenacity, Zhou skated two memorable programs at the World Championship and finished on the podium, taking home the bronze medal.
As many athletes have experienced, Zhou faces days of great exhaustion, yet he emphasizes the importance of developing mental strength to keep training. “I tell myself, if I can do this now, just imagine what I can do when I’m feeling good. Going into a competition, I want the knowledge that I’ve done this with my hands tied behind my back, I’ve done this in my sleep, I’ve done this feeling terrible in training, I’ve done it anyway, and I can do this again now,” Zhou said.
Preparing for competitions is nerve-racking for all athletes, including Zhou, who uses a robust procedure to minimize stress before taking to the ice in front of millions. In the hours and days leading up to competitions, Zhou believes that the best way to combat tension is to develop micro- and macro-routines of nor-
but stumbled and fell to the ground. The ball became loose and a pile of players from both teams dove around the ball—the crowd got on the edge of their seats as the skirmish unfolded. Miraculously, FAU won the jump ball and had a second chance with 5.5 seconds to win. They inbounded the ball to the right side, giving it to Boyd, the same person that almost turned it over seconds before. He drove to the basket and masterfully scooped it in with his left hand, giving FAU the win and a spot in the second round. The Owls were here to stay.
FAU easily beat 16-seed FDU, 7870 but now had to face a tough fourseed Tennessee team in the Sweet 16. In the first half, FAU struggled to protect the paint, allowing Tennessee centers Uroš Plavšić and Jonas Aidoo to score easy layups and putbacks. Despite going into halftime down five, FAU made major adjustments and came into the second half swinging on offense. They also tightened up their interior defense and ended up out-rebounding Tennessee 40-36. The Owls maintained their lead for the last 10 minutes and punched their ticket to the Elite Eight, where they would face an extremely strong Kansas State.
Kansas State put on impressive showings in their previous games, with Nowell dominating the floor and putting the team on his back. FAU would have to play at their absolute best to have any chance at winning. The score had been even for most of the game, and like we’ve seen all tournament, it came down to the final seconds. After two made free throws, FAU went up 79-76 with 6.9 seconds remaining. Nowell pushed the ball past midcourt and passed it to Massoud on the right wing. But FAU guard Johnell Davis was right there to strip the ball away, and Kansas State wasn’t even able to put up a potential game-tying shot. Despite a strong 30-point performance from Nowell, FAU continued its Cinderella story and moved on to the Final Four.
A Preview of the Final Four
The Final Four has now been set:
(5) San Diego State vs. (9) FAU and
(4) UConn vs. (5) Miami. If either San Diego State or Miami wins, it would be the school’s first appearance in the national championship. If FAU wins, they’d be the lowest seed in history to make the championship game and potentially the lowest seed to win the title. So, regardless of who wins, we’re going to witness history being made.
malcy during practices and to stick to them at the actual events. Once on the ice, Zhou likes to imagine that he is back at his home rink skating a normal practice program. “Then the pressure starts to dissipate a little bit,” he said. In every sport, it is incredibly easy to let early mistakes taint the rest of the performance. Zhou stresses the importance of taking the focus away from the mistake, and instead, staying in the moment for the rest of the program. “Even if you mess up the first element and you save the rest of the program, you can still do really well. A great program with just one mistake is still a good program,” Zhou said. Given all the obstacles he has faced in his career, Zhou is proud to be a vocal mental health advocate. Mental health, including issues such as depression and anxiety, was not something that was discussed throughoutZhou’s upbringing. After facing his mental struggles alone, Zhou understands the significance of having at least one person to turn to.
“I hope that people in a similar situation I was in 10 years ago have that person to talk to now,” Zhou said. Especially given the ups and downs over the last year, Zhou believes that having a growth mindset is one of
the most important components of stronger mental health. “No matter what happened, if it was good or bad, there’s always something to learn from it and, as a result, grow from it,” Zhou said. Having learned the hard way over the course of his career, Zhou hopes to model these lessons and insights for young people, including us at Stuyvesant.
Just last season, the Peglegs, Stuyvesant’s boys’ varsity baseball team, had a historical run in the PSAL playoffs, beating the division’s one-seed en route to the semifinals. The performance was not only the furthest Stuyvesant had ever made it in the playoffs but the furthest by any specialized high school. One year later, the team is back and better than ever. Led by senior captains pitcher Iravan Bhattacharyya, second baseman Julian Duran, catcher Adam Lucey, and third baseman Julian Malenda, as well as Coach John Carlesi, they have started another exciting season with hopes of winning it all.
After last season ended, the Peglegs jumped right back into preparation for this season. With a talented rotation filled with potential, Carlesi prioritized pitching in the offseason, ensuring that his pitchers would be ready for the spring. “We have four players that throw [over] 80 mph. Getting them to focus on location and their off-speed pitches was a priority,” Carlesi said.
In the weeks leading up to opening day, the Peglegs regularly scrimmaged and played non-league games against other teams. Over winter break, the team packed their bags for Florida, where they trained and competed for a week away from the cold New York City weather. The scrimmages, along with the trip as a whole, helped ready the players for the season and boosted team chemistry and morale. “Over the trip you really get to know your teammates on a personal level; it starts to feel like more than a team,” sophomore center fielder and pitcher Victor Kamrowski said.
The Peglegs played their home opener against division rival Newtown High School on March 23. The Peglegs had defeated Newtown
Over eight years, through 13 rounds, and for about an hour in the octagon, the MMA world has witnessed greatness in the UFC’s welterweight division; Leon “Rocky” Edwards and Kamaru
“The Nigerian Nightmare” Usman have given fans three unforgettable fights, the last of which took place in March. Over the past few years, their fights have featured jaw-dropping moments, nonstop action, and storylines to remember. Coming from similar backgrounds yet being on opposite sides of the world, the two have fought for more than world titles. With their pride, the welterweight belt, and a chance to cement their legacies in UFC history on the line, the culmination of their rivalry and the end of the trilogy was nothing short of what fight fans expected: a truly spectacular showdown between born rivals, both at the peak of their careers, looking to achieve greatness. Ultimately, the two men have become forever linked and their rivalry has given fans a trilogy worthy of the UFC Hall of Fame.
December 19, 2015:
Usman vs. Edwards 1
At the beginning of their famous rivalry, Usman and Edwards were both young fighters looking to build their reputations; with their names on the prelims of the UFC on FOX 17 fight card, the opportunity rose for each fighter to hit it big. Usman and Edwards both saw MMA as the ticket out of their
in both of their games last year, and they scheduled to start the season with two consecutive games against the Newtown Pioneers to continue the trend.
The offense came alive right off
dirt by Newtown brought home two more, prompting a pitching change. Riess made contact once again with a single to left, batting in two runs and placing the Peglegs in command with a 9-1 lead over Newtown.
ace was one pitch shy of an immaculate inning, throwing 10 pitches and striking out the side. After the three hits in the first inning, the Newtown offense couldn’t record a hit for the remainder of the game.
up the whole game, which led to our batting and pitching dominating the other team,” Bhattacharyya said. Even with a huge win on opening day, the game only provided a glimpse of what this team can accomplish this season. With so many offensive weapons, as well as a strong pitching rotation, the team has all the pieces in line for success. An exciting season is ahead, likely to result in another tight division race against Beacon High School. Last season, Stuyvesant finished second in the division, just one game behind first-place Beacon. “They always seem to be a big rivalry,” Carlesi said. “Last year we split the series, but during our first game when we lost, we had the benches clear. But the next game we came back and beat them 12-5.”
Though the Beacon series is exciting, Bhattacharyya has a higher ceiling in mind. “Ideally, the championship game,” the pitcher said when asked about the game he was looking forward to the most. “The idea of putting it all on the line for the city championship with my teammates seems pretty cool. Yes, there’s a long journey before we get there, but I’m keeping my eyes on the big picture.”
the bat in the bottom of the first inning. With a crack that echoed across the field, junior outfielder Axel Riess launched a double to deep center field, batting in two runs. This was followed by Bhattacharyya’s infield single, as Riess flew along the basepath to score from second base. With a 3-1 lead, the offense had another burst in the third inning. After Malenda took a pitch to deep left field, just fair by a couple of feet along the foul line, he hustled a triple, as two runners ran home. Two wild pitches in the
On the pitching side, Bhattacharyya was dominant. The first inning started off shaky, with Newtown tacking on three hits and scoring a run. However, the Pegleg defense was able to save a run. Kamrowski tracked down a triple into deep right-center field and perfectly executed a double relay to gun down an opposing player trying to score from second base. “It was a very difficult play that our fielders executed perfectly,” said Carlesi. Bhattacharyya bounced back in the second inning in spectacular fashion. The Pegleg
Kamrowski relieved Bhattacharyya in the fifth inning to seal the game, striking out a batter in the process. Two bases-loaded walks from Newtown completed the opening day win for the Peglegs––11-1 by mercy rule.
After 4.2 innings of work and 82 pitches, Bhattacharyya finished with a line of one earned run, three hits, and 10 strikeouts while batting two-for-three at the plate with two RBIs. The ace credits the team’s energy and support to their opening day success. “We kept our energy
troubled lifestyles, as both grew up with absent fathers and poor families. Usman’s father was incarcerated when Usman was only 25 years old, leaving him to carve a path for his family without paternal guidance. Similarly, Edwards’s father was shot dead in London when he was only 13 years old, leading him to a troubled life of gang violence and crime. It was no coincidence the two had been pitted against each other, both looking to finally make it into the spotlight.
Coming in as a slight underdog, 24-year-old Edwards (10-2) looked to take down 28-year-old Usman (61), who had been tearing through prospects in The Ultimate Fighter, and thus earning his spot in the UFC. A grueling three-round fight proved Edwards’s fighting style to be too reserved for Usman’s aggressive wrestling and ground-andpound style, ultimately ending in a unanimous decision for “The Nigerian Nightmare.” This fight marked the beginning of Usman’s rampage through the division, which culminated in his first UFC welterweight championship. He also topped the pound-for-pound rankings in 2021.
Though Usman stole the spotlight, Edwards put together a storybookesque redemption arc. As he witnessed Usman achieve glory on his historic 15-fight win streak—the most consecutive wins in UFC welterweight history—Edwards sought revenge, accumulating a reputable win streak himself. Seven years later, with both fighters in their prime, the two prepared for their second matchup in the octagon.
August 20, 2022:
Usman vs. Edwards 2
Leading up to UFC 278, the tension between Usman and Edwards was palpable. Their last fight had been when the two stars were just starting out, and both fighters knew what was at stake this time: the welterweight championship. Usman (20-1) put his belt up for grabs against Edwards (19-3) after wiping out all the other top contenders in the division. With hopes to take down Edwards, who entered as a +280 underdog, Usman, the -380 favorite, wanted to get the job done and move up to the next division. The challenger, Edwards, kept this in mind, using it as fuel for his vengeance, which paid off later on. Come the week of the fight, fans had speculated that Usman would make easy work of the British fighter, defending his belt and breaking records in the process. What fans did not expect was for Edwards to have isolated and targeted all of his weaknesses from their previous fight in training sessions, entering the octagon as an expert grappler and one of the most talented kickboxers in the UFC. With tensions soaring high, the two finally met in the octagon at UFC 278, ready for war.
Through four rounds, Usman dominated Edwards, showing why he was the highest-ranked pound-for-pound fighter in the UFC. Before the bell rang for the final round, Edwards’s head coach Dave Lovell gave his fighter an unforgettable speech: “Don’t let him bully you, son,” Lovell said. Now
fired up more than ever, Edwards shocked the world, landing a kick square onto Usman’s jaw in the final minute of the fifth round and knocking him out cold. “Poundfor-pound, headshot, dead,” Edwards said after the fight. With this win, a rift was created in the Usman vs. Edwards rivalry, creating the perfect setup for their third––and potentially final––fight, where Edwards would defend his belt in his hometown against a new and improved Kamaru Usman.
March 18, 2023: Usman vs. Edwards 3
Usman vs. Edwards 3: the main event of a stacked UFC 286 fight card. Once upon a time, the two headliners had fought in the prelims of a similarly stacked card, but now, the story was different. Both men, at the peak of their careers, wanted to hash out their rivalry for good, with the result of the fight deciding the best welterweight in the world. Fans would see how Usman (20-2) would differ as a challenger compared to when he was the pound-for-pound king and if Edwards (20-3) could handle the weight of his hometown on his shoulders.
The fighting world could not wait to see what UFC 286 had in store, especially after weeks of heated press conferences and months of media build-up. With a sold out O2 Arena, the born rivals finally faced off, with a packed, noisy London crowd surrounding the octagon. As fans chanted “Headshot, dead,” Edwards piled
After such a dominant 2022 season, expectations and goals are high for the Peglegs. “Our goal is to always make the playoffs, but lately, it’s been to get a good seed,” Carlesi said. “Last year, we finished ninth in NYC’s top division. PSAL coaches have predicted that we would finish 12th this season, which is amazing, but after last year and the team we have this year, I think we can do better.”
Even with the high expectations, there is certainly no reason to believe that the team won’t exceed them. With a strong start right off the bat, it doesn’t look like the Peglegs plan to slow down.
leg kicks and body kicks onto Usman, whose several attempts at taking his opponent down were stuffed by the champion. Edwards made major improvements to his signature kickboxing and advanced takedown defense, which proved much too efficient for Usman’s wrestling in the culmination of their trilogy. Despite this, the fight went for five rounds, and it appeared close the entire time, leaving the decision up to the judges; as Bruce Buffer announced the scorecards from the three judges, the crowd went silent. “And still, the UFC undisputed welterweight champion of the world, Leon ‘Rocky’ Edwards,” Buffer said. The London crowd lit up and Edwards celebrated his majority decision victory over Usman after what he proclaimed was the toughest fight of his career. In the post-fight interview with Daniel Cormier, Usman declared that he would not quit MMA, showing his respect for the champion and wishing him luck on his new reign over the welterweight division. “You know I’ve always [given] him props for everything he’s been able to accomplish…you know he’s a brother like myself and much respect… London, you’ve got yourself a hell of a guy [and a] great champion,” Usman said. With both fighters embracing each other after their octagon interviews, the rivalry had finally come to an end. After a trilogy that hauled in millions of dollars over the course of eight years, the UFC welterweight division has its new king: Leon “Rocky” Edwards.
On Tuesday, March 21, Shohei
Ohtani struck out Mike Trout to win Japan the fifth World Baseball Classic (WBC) in history. The final had all the makings of a classic: two star-studded lineups, a tight scoreline, and, of course, the matchup between Ohtani and Trout. The two are teammates for the Los Angeles Angels and are widely considered to be two of the best in the sport. So, when Ohtani struck Trout out on a disgusting slider and subsequently hoisted the WBC trophy above his head, the crowd of 36,000 erupted, elated to have witnessed one of the greatest baseball games of all time.
The final game was a reflection of the whole event––a glorious two weeks of competitive games and unbelievable moments. Look into why the 2023 WBC was one of the best tournaments ever.
The Stars
The WBC always features superstars. Certain countries, including the U.S., have faced criticism for the lack of participation from their top players. While many countries in the Caribbean and Japan have frequently presented their best players, the U.S. struggles to recruit their stars. The elite players cite their various concerns, namely the WBC being too close to the start of the season and the risk of injury being too high. However, the U.S. finally
presented a quality roster in 2017, and, while there was room for improvement, the team managed to win the tournament. Trout, absent for the 2017 squad, saw the team and decided he wanted to play. He was eventually named as the captain of the 2023 squad. With Trout came Mookie Betts, Dodgers’ outfielder and six-time All-Star. The two were joined by the Cardinals’ Nolan Arenado and Paul Goldschmidt––the latter being the reigning National League MVP––both returning from the 2017 team. All four players convinced others to play, leading to a superb team. The final roster included three MVPs and too many All-Stars to count.
In addition to the U.S. roster, countries around the world brought their best players to shine on the biggest stage in 2023. Ohtani pitched for Japan, Joc Pederson played for Israel, and Xander Bogaerts and Didi Gregorius played for the Netherlands.
Venezuela featured José Altuve and Andrés Gimenéz, and Puerto Rico boasted 2017 WBC MVP Marcus Stroman and Francisco Lindor. Finally, the tournamentfavorite Dominican Republic recruited stars Wander Franco, Jeremy Peña, Manny Machado, Juan Soto, and Julio Rodriguez.
The sheer amount of talent participating in the WBC was astounding; no team was without its star players. This pulled fans to the tournament, making it one of the biggest sports events in recent history.
The WBC had many incredible storylines, the most wholesome of which being the Czech Republic team’s formation. Unlike many of the other countries, the Czech Republic didn’t include any professional players. Everyone on the team had a day job, such as being an electrician or a middle-school teacher. While the Czechs didn’t make it past the group stage, they pulled off a win against China to secure their qualification for the 2027 WBC. Ohtani respected the Czech team so much that he wore a Czech hat to the finals, which instantly caused the hat to sell out in all sizes worldwide. While the Czech Republic didn’t make it far, they did set themselves up for success in future years, despite their lack of experience.
The next wild occurrence was in the final game of Pool D, a match between Puerto Rico and the Dominican Republic to decide which country would advance to the elimination rounds. The rivalry between the teams was in full force, and though Puerto Rico ultimately won and knocked the heavily favored Dominican Republic out, the game was a perfectly posed moment.
In elimination rounds, Trea Turner hit a grand slam in the U.S.’s matchup against Venezuela to send the U.S. to the semifinals, while Mexico narrowly eliminated Puerto Rico.
In Mexico’s semifinal game against Japan, Mexico led by one
run going into the ninth inning due to a spectacular offensive and defensive performance by Randy Arozarena, who robbed a home run in deep left field. But in the bottom of the ninth inning, Munetaka Murakami hit a walk-off two-run double to left-center field to send Japan to the final. After the game, Mexico’s manager Benji Gil said, “Japan moves on, but the world of baseball won tonight.”
After stomping Cuba in the semifinals, the U.S. advanced to face Japan in the final. The scoring was opened up by Turner, who smashed his fifth home run of the tournament and thus tying the WBC record. This lead was quickly erased by a Murakami home run, and Lars Nootbaar drove in another run to put Japan in the lead. Japan would maintain their lead for the rest of the game. Jeff McNeil led off with a walk, but Mookie Betts grounded into a double play to bring Trout to bat. Ohtani struck his teammate out, crowning Japan as the World Baseball Classic champion for a third time.
The World Baseball Classic had a series of spectacular coincidences and remarkable games that resulted in a phenomenal tournament. The luck of game scheduling allowed for maximum drama—underdogs won and favorites lost—and superstars had electric performances for their country. That is what makes the WBC so exciting: the thrill of seeing your favorite players competing not just for themselves but for
Ever since they were pur
chased by the country of Qatar itself, French soccer club Paris Saint-Germain (PSG) had always appeared to be destined for greatness. After the team languished in a decade of mediocrity and mismanagement, the massive budget of Qatar seemed like the perfect tool to turn the team into European royalty and finally bring the coveted UEFA Champions League trophy to the City of Light. However, defeat to Bayern Munich in both legs of their round of 16 tie signaled an 11th consecutive year since the Qatari takeover in 2011 that the French club went home without a Champions League trophy. Les Parisiens still have a lot of work ahead of them if they are to taste continental glory. But with so much money poured into them and backing from an entire nation, how has PSG consistently fallen short?
For starters, Paris SaintGermain’s roster has been rife with great names since the very beginning of the Qatari acquisition. Zlatan Ibrahimović, Thiago Silva, Edinson Cavani, and David Beckham are just some of the superstars PSG has signed over the past decade. This season was not any different, as Les Parisiens sported a team of Gianluigi Donnarumma, Sergio Ramos, Achraf Hakimi, Marco Verratti, and, most prominently, the attacking trio of Kylian Mbappé, Lionel Messi, and Neymar Jr.
However, with such notable figures comes equally notable egos. PSG is so loaded with talent that even elite players are compet-
-ing for game time. The toxicity and drama that this locker room tension could lead to was already hinted at for many years. Mbappé and Neymar argued on the pitch over something as trivial as who would be the primary penalty taker in 2022. After the 3-1 defeat to AS Monaco, days before their Champions League round of 16 fixture, Neymar and captain Marquinhos had a verbal war with sporting director Luís Campos. Simply put, due to their tendency of purchasing big-name players, Paris Saint-Germain has found themselves in a situation littered with poor team chemistry. In a sport where teamwork is the most valuable asset, it is no wonder that they have never been a legitimate threat for the most competitive trophies.
Furthermore, PSG has been a victim of their domestic success in France. Thanks to the Qatari takeover 12 years ago, the Parisian team has a transfer budget that is twice as large as that of their domestic competitors. This has allowed the club to splash their cash in the transfer market and sign superstar player after superstar player—so much so that the French league, Ligue 1, is considered by many soccer fans as a guaranteed title for the Parisian team, simply because of the individual talent they have. However, this monopoly over French success has actually become a detriment to PSG, as it has affected their preparations for the Champions League. Because the skill gap between the Parisians and their league opponents is so large, they are not able to challenge themselves regularly against big sides. This has translated into
their failures in Europe due to inexperience dealing with European juggernauts, such as Bayern and Real Madrid, when they are in the latter stages of the tournament.
The non-competitive position PSG has found itself in has also contributed to the club’s deleterious reliance on superstars rather than on building a truly cohesive team. This strategy has always paid off in Ligue 1, where purchasing two or three extremely skilled players was enough to achieve domestic success. However, individual talent is nowhere near as crucial during the pivotal knockout rounds of the Champions League in which PSG’s opponents are of equal strength technically. Therefore, other factors such as team chemistry and mentality play bigger roles in deciding such key games. But, as mentioned before, the Parisians severely lacked these qualities, which duly resulted in their many early eliminations in the Champions League.
This strategy centered on individualism especially falls apart when, as has happened this year, PSG’s glamorous superstars underwhelm massively. In goal, Donnarumma, a Yashin Trophy winner and European Championsip winner with Italy, has failed to provide an improved contribution over predecessor Keylor Navas. Captain and defender Marquinhos has been below par in high-stakes games, and central midfielder Marco Verratti appears to be past his prime and has lost his ability to control the game. Finally, when happily attacking, Neymar, Messi, and Mbappé are capable of winning games by themselves. But, defensively, their unwillingness to
their country and their identity. The Successes
The WBC was first held in 2006 after the MLB proposed the idea to improve global recognition and support of baseball. The MLB makes vast amounts of money off merchandise and viewership, so improving international viewership has long been a centerpiece of corporate goals. The WBC started slowly due to competition with other international events such as the Baseball World Cup and the Olympics, but the WBC was always the only one that MLB players could participate in due to union agreements. It was an event for a targeted audience, but the 2017 WBC showed the MLB and the world what it could really be: a baseball version of the World Cup, bringing everyone across the world together.
The 2023 WBC built on this, drawing record viewership numbers. The final averaged 4.5 million viewers, a 69 percent increase from 2017. At the peak of the game, 42.4 percent of Japanese households were tuned in, even though the game was early in the morning in Japan.
The 2023 World Baseball Classic was a classic in every sense. The event was electric, with close games and major upsets, wholesome moments and fierce rivalries, up-and-coming prospects, and veteran players. The players loved it, the fans loved it, and the world loved it. The 2023 WBC was truly an event for the ages.
track back and help their teammates in regaining possession is deeply frustrating. Combine all those flaws of the team with their tendency to infighting and attracting unpleasant drama, and you have an incompetent mess of a squad.
Finally, the most detrimental reason of all for the Parisian club’s continental shortcomings is the club culture instilled by the actions of the Qatari ownership over the past decade. Since the takeover in 2011, the Qataris have invested a total of €1.3 billion into PSG’s transfers alone. This has birthed a club culture focused on glamor and the latest superstars instead of on assembling a competitive and determined team. This upheaval has also led to another management mistake by PSG’s board: the neglect of the club’s promising youth academy and its talented graduates by constantly wasting frivolous amounts on imported players.
The club would soon pay the price for this serial negligence. Kingsley Coman spent nine years in the PSG academy, only to leave for Bayern Munich due to insufficient opportunity. In a moment of sweet revenge for Coman, his goal won Bayern Munich the 2020 Champions League against none other than PSG itself. To rub more salt into the wound, Coman would then contribute to Paris Saint-Germain’s elimination from this season’s edition of the tournament by scoring the first goal in what would be a 3-0 Bayern victory on aggregate. Money cannot buy success outright in a competition as prestigious and competitive as the
Champions League—winning in such a competition needs the collective effort of an entire team, extreme determination, and a deep desire for achievement within every player. Embarrassingly, PSG lacks all of those qualities and has underperformed miserably in the biggest competitions because of it. However, their circumstances certainly could have been different if the club had an ethos that promoted the active building of a cohesive team sprinkled with talented graduates from the club’s youth academy that know what it means to play for Les Parisiens.
Overall, despite the 14 domestic titles won in France, Paris Saint-Germain has been seriously mismanaged considering what they could have achieved with their amount of financial backing. That said, there are signs that the club is starting to improve in its approach to building a competitive squad. They have started selling aging and disruptive players such as Mauro Icardi and Leandro Paredes, whilst replacing them with sensible, young transfers such as 25-year-old fullback Nordi Mukiele and 26-year-old midfielder Carlos Soler. PSG also seems to have finally taken the hint to start investing in its youth academy. One of the first to benefit was 16-year-old Warren ZaïreEmery, who made his Champions League debut in October this season, becoming the youngest player to ever play in the tournament. However, decade-old habits will die hard and require a lot of time to uproot the entire culture of the club to finally create a team genuinely capable of grabbing hold of the coveted Champions League.
The Stuyvesant girls’ badminton team, the Peglegs, triumphed 3-2 in their highly anticipated season opener, a game crucial not only because it was their first of the season, but also because of the reputability of their opponent: Seward Park Campus.
Last year, the Seward Park Campus girls’ badminton team was the Peglegs’ biggest rival. The Peglegs played an overall impressive season but lost two games— one to Seward and one to Flushing Campus. Their loss against Seward eliminated them from the playoffs, while Seward advanced to become 2021-22 City Champions. At the City Individual Tournament, Seward’s players held first and second place, while Stuyvesant juniors Eugene Park and Fanny Yin took third. Because Stuyvesant and Seward were in such a close competition last season, the Peglegs are increasingly determined to come out on top this season.
Coach Hugh Francis has been
integral to the success of the girls’ badminton team. Being the first and only coach of the team since its introduction to Stuyvesant, he has continually shown his dedication, especially during the postCOVID-19 rebuild. When the Public Schools Athletic League recognized the growing popularity of badminton back in 2012, Stuyvesant was one of the first schools chosen to create a team.
Ninety students attended tryouts the first year, which, while exciting, was challenging for Francis to navigate as a coach. “You don’t even know where to begin with who’s going to be on the team,” Francis said.
A decade later, the team has evolved tremendously. A great number of students still attend tryouts, with 60 students fighting for a spot on the team this
year. Francis, along with senior co-captain Chloe Huang and junior co-captain Natalie Keung, strategically selected 21 players, 14 of whom were returning from last season. The seven new players added to this season’s roster were part of a larger effort by the Peglegs to reconstruct the team since the interruption of COVID-19. “Pretty much half of us joined just last year and the other half this year, so a lot of us didn’t know the game before we joined,” Huang said.
This dynamic is reminiscent of when the team was first established. “Everybody was new to the team,” Francis said. “We were all kind of still finding our way.” Though many players who joined this season and last season were unfamiliar with badminton, new players picked up the sport quickly. As for why badminton, in particular, attracts so many novices, Francis shared his insights.
“What sets badminton apart from almost every other game is [that] it’s so easy to get started. It’s so easy to serve, and if you’re playing against someone who’s basically
your skill level, even if you’re both beginners, you’re probably going to have fun,” Francis said.
Still, training new players to be match-ready is a significant responsibility that the team took in stride. They practice every day and train against their managers, many of whom won titles in the state championship for boys’ badminton. The captains are determined to train all players for the best chance at the City Championship. “We’re dedicated, we want to play, and we will work for it,” Huang said.
As for the current season, the Peglegs have high hopes, largely due to their victory in the first game of the season against Seward. “We beat last year’s City Champs, so I’m really excited for playoffs and individuals to see how far the team can go this year,” Huang said. Since both Stuyvesant and Seward underwent substantial changes in their rosters due to graduating seniors, Stuyvesant’s early win in the season provides promise for following matchups against Seward in the playoffs and beyond.
It’s March 17 in Switzerland. Fans of Napoli, Real Madrid, Chelsea, Bayern Munich, Manchester City, AC Milan, Benfica, and Inter Milan are waiting anxiously to see who they would be facing in the UEFA Champions League Quarter Finals. It’s safe to say that, for a neutral fan, this draw went very well in terms of the matchups, and it certainly provides the full package: Tuchel vs. Pep, Milan vs. Napoli, and Chelsea vs. Madrid for the third year in a row.
#1: Benfica vs. Inter Milan:
This might not be the most exciting matchup on paper, but Benfica deserve their spot in the quarter-finals. They have been one of the best teams in Europe under the management of Roger Schmidt and his staff, boasting the perfect balance of talent and experience––even after the sale of Enzo Fernandez to Chelsea. Up top, the pace of Rafa Silva combined with the instinct and prowess of Gonçalo Ramos makes for a dynamic duo, especially with Ramos’ dominant season. Throughout 36 games in all competitions this season, the Portuguese striker has scored 24 times and assisted 10 times, proving to be one of the biggest talents in Europe. Controlling the midfield, João Mário––as well as the talent of Florentino Luís––provide the perfect balance of attack and defense. In defense, António Silva has been excellent all season, and it’s almost scary how good he is for a 19-year-old.
Meanwhile, Inter Milan is only third in the Serie A this season and barely scraped by FC Porto in the round of 16. Having been a primarily defensive side this season––playing with three central defenders rather than two––the matchup between the two sides should prove exciting, with Benfica playing their free-flowing attacking style against Inter’s defensive counter-attacking style.
However, Benfica holds a slight edge in this draw. Everything about them is clicking at the minute, and the underdog often comes out on top through the magic of the Champions League. If there was a dark horse candidate to go far in
this tournament, it certainly would be Benfica.
#2: Manchester City vs. Bayern
Munich:
Just days ago, Bayern Munich sacked their head coach, Julian Nagelsmann, leaving many supporters surprised. In all competitions this season, Bayern had only lost three games, and the coach had a contract until 2026, proving Bayern’s commitment to him. However, with his rapid sacking, they’ve brought in one of the best managers for domestic competitions in Thomas Tuchel. Tuchel’s record in the Champions League is excellent, having won the Champions League once in two finals appearances. Tuchel is a big fan of a three-back system, utilizing three central defenders and two wing-backs to provide significant offensive and defensive work support. The new manager will almost immediately revamp Bayern’s defensive structure in the hopes of preventing Manchester City’s strong attack. One thing to look out for is how Tuchel utilizes the talent of Jamal Musiala. Nagelsmann certainly transformed Musiala’s game, and it will be intriguing to see how his development continues under Tuchel and how big of a threat he will be against the Citizens. With that in mind, Tuchel will not have the ideal conditions to prepare for Manchester City, with the game scheduled to be in two weeks, which could prove the recent sacking detrimental to Bayern’s Champions League hopes.
Manchester City, on the other hand, likely won’t deviate from their usual game plan at all. Pep Guardiola’s side will play with direct wingers and attacking fullbacks. As usual, they will control the bulk of the possession and try to wear down Bayern. Both sides are going to go evenly against each other, but the appointment of Tuchel gives Bayern a different element in the Champions League. It will be extremely exciting to see what he brings to Bayern and how they cope with the attack of Manchester City. However, Tuchel won’t be able to address all of Bayern’s concerns against Manchester City in the first leg. In all likelihood, Manchester City will take the victory in the first leg of this enticing matchup.
For the past two years, Chelsea and Real Madrid have competed against each other in the Champions League knockouts. So far, the record is split, with Madrid advancing last season but Chelsea advancing the season before. Coming into the matchup, Chelsea has been digging themselves out of their torrid form from the middle of the season under Graham Potter, as the squad is starting to gel more and more. The Blues, however, will have to cope without one of their best talents, Benoît Badiashile, who wasn’t registered for their Champions League squad. In the case that Thiago Silva cannot make it back in time for the first leg, Marc Cucurella will step into the left center-backrole, having been named the Man of the Match during the Blues’ round of 16 game against Borussia Dortmund.
The Blues, however, sport a strong record against Madrid in recent matches, having won twice, drawn once, and lost only once in their games in the past two years. Madrid, on the other hand, enters this game with a completely different outlook. Though their domestic season in La Liga hasn’t been ideal, as they’ve fallen behind FC Barcelona, Madrid consistently brings a different level of dominance to the Champions League. The past few years are a testament to that: in the last seven years, they have claimed the trophy four times––adding to their world-record 14 titles. Only teams of Madrid’s caliber can pull off last-minute comebacks against both Paris SaintGermain and Manchester City in the same year. Who wouldn’t be scared of a team consisting of multipletime winners of the Champions League, such as Luka Modrić and Karim Benzema, or some of the most expensive talents in the world like Vinícius Jr., Aurélien Tchouaméni, Eduardo Camavinga, and Federico Valverde? Regarding the matchup, we’ll have to see how Carlo Ancelotti lines up his midfield, but a third straight year of Chelsea vs. Real Madrid is definitely something not to take your eyes off.
#4: Napoli vs. AC Milan:
It’s rare that we get a chance to witness two teams from the same
league compete in the knockout rounds of a Champions League, but a matchup of the stature of Napoli vs. AC Milan is even more than that. It’s filled with everything that makes a soccer match exciting: rivalry, talent, experience, tactics, atmosphere, etc. This matchup is surely one for the ages, with the winner set to face the winner of Inter Milan vs. Benfica. Napoli have exceeded everyone’s expectations by storm this season, solidifying their spot at the top of Serie A with a nineteen-point gap over the second spot. The reasons for their success lay in the unprecedented dominance of Victor Osimhen, Khvicha Kvaratskhelia, and Kim Min-Jae. It’s more than fair to say that Napoli pulled off two of the biggest bargain deals with Kvaratskhelia and Kim. The two have slotted right into Napoli’s team, which at this point is surely destined to bring the Serie A title back to the fans. Meanwhile, in 29 games in all competitions this season, Victor Osimhen has bagged 25 goals and assisted five. He’s been nothing short of excellent, and fans will
hope to see his dominance alongside Kvaratskhelia and Kim be key factors in how the game against Milan plays out for Luciano Spalleti’s side. However, after winning the Serie A last season, this is not how AC Milan would have wanted this season to unfold. With that said, the talent of the team can not be neglected for this matchup. Having squeezed past Tottenham in the last round, the Italian side found themselves competing to reach the quarterfinals of the Champions League against one of their rivals. More than ever, it’s time for players like Fikayo Tomori, Rafael Leão, and Theo Hernández to produce. With them at the top of their game, this Milan side looks much better, and Napoli, as good as they have been, will be tested to the real limit. Similar to Benfica, everything is clicking for Napoli at the minute, while Milan is struggling to find their footing. Napoli’s best players are simply performing better, and the club is carrying a real sense of fearlessness no matter who they face.
Japan knocked off the United States to win the World Baseball Classic 3-2, making it the competition’s most successful team.
The Peglegs, Stuyvesant’s boys’ varsity baseball team, won their home opener against Newtown High School 11-1, winning by mercy rule.
Iowa’s Caitlin Clark dropped a 41-point triple-double to defeat Louisville in the Elite Eight, the first player in men’s or women’s tournament history to do so.
On the NHL’s Pride Night, several players and entire teams, such as the Chicago Blackhawks, refused to wear Pride Night jerseys.
Serbian tennis legend Novak Djokovic was denied a COVID-19 vaccine exemption for the Miami Open and deemed ineligible for competition.
Former Arsenal and Real Madrid midfielder Mesut Özil announced his retirement from professional soccer.
The boys’ soccer team played the boys’ football team in a game of basketball on Monday, March 27. The football team won 44-30, with dominant performances from quarterback-running back duo Efe Kilic and Sam Glusker.
bonjour bffs! Happy Disrespectator from your favorite silly billy Virgenya. xoxo
ACROSS
1. Fourth, fifth, and fourth vowels in the alphabet
2. SING! 2023 winner
3. Blood type known as the universal recipient
4. Crowd of violent protesters
5. Idiom: _ _ _are the wolf in sheep’s clothing
6. Driver’s licenses, passports, and birth certificates are all a form of
7. What athena produced to gain control of Athens over Poseidon
8. Animal in Aladdin (1992)
9. Pirates way of saying “your”
10. Once __ _ lifetime
11. Chatgpt, Jasper, or Siri
12. Instrument that is known to play Riptide
13. A duck’s onomatopoeia, interrupted
14. Makeup tool that sharpens one’s features; like cheekbone and jawline
15. A type of spoken prank, especially on April 1st
16. Humor Editor #2
Hey Stuyvesant,
1. Sound made in a yoga class
2. One who deliberately damages something or undermines a plan
14. Abbreviation for company
17. Tall, narrow, tapered building. Washington Monument, for example.
18. Fake hair
19. Raccoon-like bipeds in the Star Wars universe
20. Lacy cloth covering the bride’s face
21. Conspiracy theorist’s unexplained aerial phenomenon
22. Main character in a Foundations of Literature book
23. Curved trajectory of a celestial body
24. Gore, Pacino, Capone
25. OnlyFans acronym
26. Of humor; sarcastic and cynical
27. Latin prefix for _distant, _table, _librium
28. Alex, Bishesh, Erica, Eugene, and Kyle
29. Oscar winner _verything _verywhere _ll At Once
30. Decorative vase, carrying ashes
31. Humor Editor #1
Plural Noun
Do you have a fear of getting pranked? Does April Fools Day bring chills to your spine? Does April 2 not come quickly enough? If so, here’s a bonechilling tale of the dangers of April Fools Day. Happy Pranking!
Love, The Spectator
Plural Noun Adjective
I have a ___________ fear of April Fools Day. Seriously. This April 1, I was so __________ of getting ________________, that I decided to ___________ in _________ ________ all day. Whenever I thought ____________ would approach, I would ___________ away. However, that became my downfall. At _________, I ______________ into the _____________, and ______________ straight into ___________, who proceeded to tell me that __________________ was ________________. “Really?,” I _______________. “No,” ___________ said. “April Fools!”
By SELINA LIN
Day Zero (how all good coders start things)
I haven’t seen my friend in three days. It’s not like him to skip school, but even if he did, I doubt he’d willingly ignore all the funny TikToks I’ve been sending him all day. Now that’s suspicious. I tried calling him to see if he was just too busy projectile-vomiting his guts out to look at his phone, but it’s been a full hour of voicemail and now I’m actually concerned.
I really hope he’s just deathly ill.
Day One
Apparently, he’s not the only one missing. I was feeling kind of lonely at lunch without his constant whining about whatever assignment he’s being tortured with, his train being delayed, and his crush calling him “Stinky Steve,” so I decided to talk to some classmates about a group project. Turns out, one of their group members hasn’t talked to or texted them in four days.
It can’t possibly be a coincidence that both my friend and their group member seemingly vanished off the face of the planet.
It only got worse when I was sitting on the half floor during one of my free periods. I could hear the group next to me complaining about how one of their friends inexplicably hasn’t shown up to their usual lunch outings for the last week or so. That makes three missing people. I’ve watched enough Scooby Doo to know something’s going on here: twice is a coincidence, thrice is a pattern.
Honestly, I’m pretty excited. This could be my first ever actual detective case! This will look so good on my college application. I wonder if they’re dead, because cracking a homicide case would really round out my resume. Watch out Batman—I mean, Sherlock Holmes, I’m coming for the title of World’s Greatest Detective!
Day Two
The last message I received from my friend was five days ago, at 6:54 a.m. It was a skull emoji in response to a TikTok I sent him about Family Guy. Then, it was five straight days of no response. All my texts were unread. His Discord status was invisible.
Even my e-mails went unanswered! Not that he checked them that often (the daily Jupiter updates can get a tad depressing), but still. I called him 67 times in the last hour, and each time I just got his whiny voicemail message, which got really annoying after the third time I heard it. According to my classmates, the last time they heard from their groupmate was at 6:52 a.m., when she reacted to a message in their group chat with a thumbs up.
I was starting to notice a pattern, but I had to be sure.
it: 6:53 a.m. I put on the hat once I left their line of sight. Too bad, girls, I’m attached to it, so good luck keeping it off my head now.
That’s three messages sent at around 6:50 in the morning. What could they all be doing that early that could take them out of commission like this?
I know that my friend would be commuting around that time. I think I have a hunch.
My friend has to take the LIRR to get to school. Every morning, he complains about
alarm. Curse you, AP courses (the scapegoat for anything that goes wrong in the spring semester)! This morning, I thought that I should ride the LIRR myself to see what was really going on. Normally, I’d take the 7 train, so it wouldn’t be that hard to get to the Flushing Main Street LIRR station. It turns out that even after oversleeping, I could have barely made the 6:44 train. But my sleep-deprived brain decided to leave the most important components of being a detective at home: my trusty hat and magnifying glass. What’s the point of saving lives if you can’t accessorize? So, halfway through the run to the station, I had to backtrack to my house to pick them up. That meant I missed the 6:44 train.
Thankfully, there was another train, but I had to wait for 15 long minutes on the platform in the early morning chill.
The ride was relatively uneventful. It was crowded, sure, and bumpy too, but there was nothing really out of the ordinary. I even snooped around a little, walking through the train cars and looking for clues with my magnifying glass. For some reason, though, all I could find were dried tear tracks (probably from the early commuters) and suspiciously colored puddles. I think accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom was my fault, though. I should have just paid for a ticket; avoiding the ticket collector was not worth the stench. The poor bathroom-goer’s lecture was long and loud, but well-deserved.
We made it to Penn Station with no trouble. Suspicious.
This train goes to Grand Central instead of Penn Station, and the missing people were on this train before suddenly vanishing. It’s been nine days, so I’m actually really concerned about them. Hopefully, this mission will be more successful than the last one. Wish me luck.
Someone please help me. I don’t know how long I’ve been in Grand Central.
As soon as I got off the train, I knew something was off. Maybe it was the clean floor or the not-flickering lights, but my inner detective was going off the rails (pun intended).
I just didn’t expect this.
As I got on the escalator up to the rest of the station, I could feel my apprehension growing. Even with my deerstalker hat and magnifying glass at hand, I felt uneasy. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was being watched.
I knew the escalator ride would be long, but it was only after I had counted to 300 in my head when I noticed it. The escalator just seemed to keep going. In both directions. Around me, people were just minding their own business. I don’t think they noticed it. They just walked up the escalator like nothing was wrong, as if they hadn’t been climbing up the escalator for five whole minutes. Even the people standing were just silent. They didn’t take their eyes off the distance at where the escalator was going.
I tried to rub my eyes, drink some water—anything to make this hallucination go away. Nothing happened.
I tried to ask that gaggle of girls on the half floor, but they just ignored me. I don’t think I look that strange, but maybe deerstalker hats are a little out of style. So what? A detective has to look the part. I’m going to be late for my 10th-period class now, so I’ll just ask them again tomorrow.
Day Three It turns out that it really was the hat. I talked to them again today, and this time they pulled up their group chat to show me her last message. I didn’t want to read the really long paragraph complaining about her boyfriend, but I did note the time she sent
waking up that early just to catch a train that’s always delayed.
I talked to both groups of people again. Apparently, their missing friends all live in the far end of Queens. When I asked about their friends’ commutes, they all said the same thing: their friends ride the LIRR.
From my research (a single Google search), they likely take the Port Washington Line. Looks like I’ve got a train to catch now! Deerstalker hat on.
After a long weekend of preparing myself, I still managed to sleep through my
At least once a year, Stuyvesant students expect disappointed sighs, exploitative tales of parental sacrifice, and enrollment in the occasional “scared straight” weekend retreat. Indeed, the promise of a reckoning for months of academic neglect and mismanaged time hangs over the minds of the Stuyvesant student body through the months of February and March.
Parent-Teacher Conferences (PTCs), an outlet for the resentments—and sometimes aggression—of
frustrated teachers, are eagerly awaited by several instructors. Their mood brightens as they ominously hover around the desks of their worst students, tapping their desks, saying, “Am I talking to mom or dad on Thursday?” or “Good luck.”
One teacher, when asked about his feelings on PTCs, said, “I love them. I usually try to give myself a few minutes after each call so I can close my eyes and imagine what happens after we hang up the phone... sometimes I’ll have brownies baked to really complete the experience. Few things bring me
more pleasure.”
In order to understand both sides of the experience, a Spectator reporter also interviewed a junior the week after PTCs, in a conversation that lasted almost an hour due to frequent bouts of despair-filled weeping.
“The calls were a blur. All I remember hearing were gasps, whimpers, and growls, accompanied by piercing death stares from my mother. At one point, she asked a teacher to extend their call another 10 minutes. The teacher said that she usually sticks to the five-minute
In the end, I was late for class anyway, since the station was so crowded that I couldn’t make it to the 1/2/3 train without pushing and bumping into people. What a waste of time.
Oh well, I’ll try again tomorrow.
Day Five This time, I actually woke up on time. And I didn’t forget my detective kit. So that means I made it on time to catch the 6:44 train. Hooray! I even got a ticket with a random $10 bill I found on the floor. How lucky! I don’t think I could have afforded it otherwise. Being a detective is expensive.
cap, but in special cases like mine, she’s willing to make an exception. “Also, did they switch up something in the report card teacher comments? Last year it was ‘always well prepared’ and ‘good class participation,’ but this semester I got ‘troubled loner,’ ‘someone has to be last,’ and ‘personal hygiene needs work.’
“Afterward, my mom wouldn’t let me eat solid food until I submitted all my missing assignments so that I could feel the pain of my elders, whom I was letting down with my 70s in
I tried to walk up the escalator myself, even shoving a random businessman out of the way. He just shook me off like nothing happened. That would never happen in New York City.
I even tried to jump across the escalators to the ones going down. I took a few tumbles, but when I did get on the down escalator, it was the same thing. I counted to 300 again, but I couldn’t see the place I had just come from.
Unfortunately, I think I’m stuck. Fortunately, I think I’m going to miss that AP Chem test today. Hopefully, “stuck on an escalator” is a decent reason to write on an absence form.
physics and math. She didn’t care about my 94 in English, though: she said maybe I could write exceptional eulogies at my grandparents’ funerals, explaining how I robbed them of any hope for our family’s future in their final years.”
Rumors are now circulating that a union of teachers, led by the retired Dr. Markova, is advocating for six PTCs a year, with one for each marking period. Furthermore, each PTC date seems to be strategically located before a school break. May God have mercy on us all.
Last Wednesday, many Stuyvesant juniors took the SAT, suffering in silence for three hours. Though individual students have yet to receive their scores, Principal Yu was sent a summary of schoolwide results, and the scores were astonishing: the school had an average score of 900, which is 600 points lower than the typical Stuyvesant SAT average (a statistic Principal Yu has framed in his bathroom). Principal Yu, shocked, decided to get to the bottom of the issue. He ordered a copy of the test and began to look it over. It wasn’t long before he spotted the problem.
The SAT was unlike any other. All of the questions were specific to Stuyvesant, and they were oddly specific. In case the SAT continues in this fashion, the Humor Department has kindly compiled a list of practice questions with answers and explanations. Hopefully, you’ll find them helpful!
QUESTION 1: In order for a day to be a full day of school, you must…
a) Go to school for 6 hours
b) Attend 6 classes
c) Learn something of value
d) Sit in a classroom and chat with friends for 40 minutes after the juniors finish the SAT ANSWER: (d). As we all know, public schools are
constantly making use of loopholes! NYC schools have to be open for 180 days of school every year, but what is a “day,” really? Turns out it’s no longer than 40 minutes.
been a long time since the Stuyvesant bells rang when they were supposed to—so long that it almost seems intentional. Maybe Mr. Moran decided to torture the student body by dangling
every day
d) Wearing gym clothes outside of gym
ANSWER: (d). Freshmen have a variety of bad habits, and wearing their gym clothes outside of P.E. is one
Stuyvesant student can attest, there is no limit to the number of students who can force their way onto the bridge. Therefore, the answer must be infinity.
QUESTION 5: At 6:50 a.m., a downtown 2 train leaves 135 Street, a C train leaves Grant Avenue, and an A train leaves Franklin Avenue. Which will reach Chambers Street first?
a) The 2 train, because it’s express
b) The A train, because it’s express
c) The C train, because it has fewer stops to travel
d) It’s impossible to tell, because the NYC subway system is consistently unreliable
QUESTION 2: The role of school bells is to…
a) Announce the start of class
b) Announce the end of class
c) Announce the start and end of class
d) Disrupt class by ringing randomly throughout the day
ANSWER: (d). It’s
the hope of sweet release in front of them. One day, the bell will start to ring, and it just won’t stop…
QUESTION 3: Which of the following is an example of freshie behavior?
a) Managing time well
b) Effectively balancing school and extracurriculars
c) Sleeping for 10 hours
of them. Seriously, change out of your gym clothes, kids.
QUESTION 4: How many students can fit on the Tribeca Bridge?
a) Zero
b) Five
c) Ten
d) Infinity ANSWER: (d). As any
Following the first-ev er Spring Clubs and Pubs Fair, the administration announced that the annual event will be discontinued after the school faced legal issues regarding predatory and unethical advertising practices. The events of the club fair caught the atten tion of the Federal Trade Commission, the American advertisement regulation body, which forced a per manent shutdown of the event and took legal ac tion against individual clubs whose actions were found particularly egregious. At the time of publication, 98 out of Stuyvesant’s ap proximately 200 clubs had received lawsuits and/ or cease and desist no tices, accusing them of everything from false advertising to bribery and threats.
Most freshmen agree with this decision, seem ingly traumatized by un hinged upperclassmen’s recruitment methods. One freshman, who asked to stay anonymous out of fear for his life and went into wit ness protection shortly after making this statement, said, “One club s-said that if I joined, I would get W rizz
and Pubs experience. “The kids these days have no respect for tradition,” one club president said. “At my first Clubs and Pubs, random
ing.” Another club president described the Clubs and Pubs Fair cancellation as unfair. “Only 98 clubs were ordered to stop advertis-
ed by a heap of legal docu ments an hour later. In lieu of Clubs and Pubs, many clubs have resorted to other means of adver-
ANSWER: (d). Express trains only go faster if they run express, and they have a habit of switching to the local track. Trains only get where they need to if they move from station to station, and they love to stop for no particular reason. It’s impossible to know whether your train will arrive at Chambers Street in 10 minutes or 10 years, so you better cross your fingers and hope it’s sooner rather than later!
I am certain that these practice questions will go a long way toward helping Stuyvesant students ace their SATs. Of course, they could also just choose (d) every time (that’s how I got a cool 780)!
tising. The printers on the second floor and in the library were shut down after club leaders drained their ink to make posters and anti-government regulation propaganda in a matter of minutes, leading to yet another lawsuit. Clubs have also been giving spontaneous demonstrations of their activities in the hallways. Notably, StuySquad’s K-pop dance performance closed off the space surrounding the fourth-floor escalators, dooming all the students on higher floors to take the stairs. These tactics are surprisingly effective, as StuyActivities crashed from an influx of users rushing to join clubs. Regardless, it is bittersweet to see Clubs and Pubs go. While clubs have adapted in response to these adversities, many are sad to bid farewell to this cherished event. As one student put it, “Yelling at underclassmen and trying to get them to do stuff for you, try-harding an activity that literally no one else cares about, looking for more things to add to your college application, and being generally obnoxious… to me, that’s what Stuyvesant is all about.”