Volume 112 Issue 13

Page 1

“We’ve got the news down to a science!”

The Bronx High School of Science Newspaper

thesciencesurvey.com

March 13, 2020

Volume 420 No. 69 DISRESPECTATOR

A Letter to Homework An anonymous student writes a break-up letter to homework, explaining all the things wrong with their relationship.

DISRESPECTATOR

The Stuy Bells’ Protests A report on the ongoing heated protests of the Stuyvesant bells.

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DISRESPECTATOR CONTENT ON PAGES 1-4 AND 28-32 HUMORBEAT

The Stuy Bells’ Protests By CHRISTIAN KIM and JAI SHAH

multiple teachers armed with Nerf machine guns to track down any stray

Jasmine Wang / The Spectator

For the past decade, the Stuyvesant bells have done their job loyally with barely any failures. Recently, however, the bells appear to be unionizing and demanding new benefits. This reporter investigates the start and cause of, as well as the motives behind, the impromptu strike. It all began when the 6thfloor bell refused to ring at the end of a period. At first, this was dismissed as laziness and incompetence of the highest standard, but soon after, the other bells joined in: the 7th-floor bell would not give off a warning siren, and the 3rd-floor bell simply stopped ringing altogether. Administrators quickly investigated the suspicious lack of activity, and what they found shocked them—a crudely written note, demanding better pay, compensation, and machine care plans for the bells, was taped to the inside of every

one of these bells. “This is an outrage,” Assistant Principal A, who asked to remain

anonymous, said. “Do the bells have no shame?” The administration has assured the school community that they will force the bells to stop their strike, and strikebreaking action was reportedly carried out. “We have already deployed

bells that plan on joining the strike. We already got the 5th-floor bell. We also placed extreme sanctions on basic parts and repairs,” anonymous Assistant Principal B reported. But despite these measures, many of the bells have filed com-

plaints that dub these measures “cruel and unusual,” as they violate previous agreements between the school and mechanical staff on acceptable punishment. However, it seems that this rebellion will not be suppressed anytime soon, as the bells are still fighting back. They have either been ringing inaccurately or not at all, disorienting students and teachers alike as well as causing many people to be late to their next class. These guerrilla tactics appear to be uncoordinated and clumsy but still highly effective. One of the main demands to hold the Robotics team— a major perpetrator of violence toward the bells—accountable for aggravated assault and larceny has already been fulfilled. In a statement to the press, the 6th-floor bell stated, “Do you have any idea how traumatizing it is to be jumped continued on page 4

Lifting of mask mandate reveals many Stuyvesant students to be ugly as hell. Stuyvesant is now legally considered an elementary school. Inflation fetishists are disappointed as prices rise and women fail to resemble soft and supple yoga balls. A physical Wordle has been found, and experts from all over the world have been trying to solve it, only to realize it’s simply a piece of paper. Sophomore Caucus has informed all that Winter Break is approaching, and invites students to come to their *real* Gingerbread House Contest—totally not an April Fools’ prank! Big Sibs in dire need of icebreakers for the incoming class of 2026. Seniors’ *lighter* workload is revealed to be fake news.

The Trials of Peter Stuyvesant Massive upheaval was incited in the past week as our headmaster, Principal Yu, was forced to step down upon the demands of a student who reportedly received the treasure and inheritance of our school’s namesake, Peter Stuyvesant. This student, who shall remain anonymous until all details have been sorted out, is currently lounging on Principal Yu’s private bed in the principal’s office and enjoying an afternoon nap. The esteemed Humor Department was the first on the scene, excitedly interviewing the student to hear about what has transpired in the past few days. Here is the transcript of the conversation: How and where did you find this will of Peter Stuyvesant? So first, I was with a group of friends sitting on the second floor hallway, next to the main staircase that leads down to the first floor atrium. We felt incredibly bored after a trip to Whole Foods, and someone suggested, “Hey, what if, just what if, completely

hypothetically, we toss the rotisserie chicken we got around like a hot potato?” This went fairly well until one of the kids, a pitcher on the varsity baseball team, decided to go all out. Traveling like a speeding bullet, the chicken missed the hands of the receiver, passed over the head of a roaming student, and went completely through the noble painting of Peter Stuyvesant on the wall. All our eyes instinctively shot toward Mr. Stuyvesant, and, to our dismay, we had crippled him even further! He was going to need two peglegs now. Peering through the hole where Mr. Stuyvesant’s leg used to be, instead of finding chicken, we found that the front wall was indented inward to create an alcove. Fitted right on the inside wall was a large, yellow piece of paper that read: “My dear descendants, it is with the greatest and utmost pleasure that I finally get to meet you… Nah I hate talking so formally. Lads, congrats! You’ve found my secret, but can you find the rest of them? For the first trial, you must seek the most historical room within the school. Alright, no more

hints, no more leads, you’re Stuy kids, figure it out. Remember: school is a myth, life is a mystery, and buy gold. Bye!” We thought he was a complete nut job, but his pegleg did give off some pirate vibes so we decided to continue onward.

noticed that some of the tables had cut marks and numbers that were too clean to have been done with a pencil. The specific marks turned out to be Dutch words and there were a total of 11 of them. Using the top-secret and illegal software commonly referred to as Google Translate, we were able to

Aryana Singh / The Spectator

By ALEX ZHENG

What happened then? Yeah, so I thought the first trial was to solve the puzzle laid out for us in the old room with all of the graffitied tables. To be honest, it was a perplexing situation, but we eventually

decipher the clue, which told us that our next trial was with one of the lunch ladies in the fifth floor cafeteria. Was the second trial just as successful as the first? Oh no no no, the cafete-

ria trial was a million times harder than the graffiti table one. The first hurdle to completing this trial was asking one of the lunch ladies for the clue. Socialization! Absolutely terrifying! After asking a friend’s friend, who asked someone else who was a certified extrovert (certificate and everything), we were able to figure out that the cafeteria trial was simply to go up to one of the lunch ladies and tell them their most played song while serving lunch. Pretty easy, right? Yes, until we realized we never pay attention to their music, so we had to go through a trial-and-error procedure for every single song ever created to find the right one. How were the next few trials? I’ll be honest: the trials definitely got harder as time went by. A notable one was trial number nine, a test of physical endurance where we had to climb from the first floor to the 10th floor in less than five minutes. Trial number 45 was a test of mental strength and willcontinued on page 30


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