Volume 112 Issue 13

“We’ve got the news down to a science!”

The Bronx High School of Science Newspaper

thesciencesurvey.com

March 13, 2020

Volume 420 No. 69 DISRESPECTATOR

A Letter to Homework An anonymous student writes a break-up letter to homework, explaining all the things wrong with their relationship.

DISRESPECTATOR

The Stuy Bells’ Protests A report on the ongoing heated protests of the Stuyvesant bells.

see page 2

see page 1

DISRESPECTATOR CONTENT ON PAGES 1-4 AND 28-32 HUMORBEAT

The Stuy Bells’ Protests

By CHRISTIAN KIM and JAI SHAH

multiple teachers armed with Nerf machine guns to track down any stray

Jasmine Wang / The Spectator

For the past decade, the Stuyvesant bells have done their job loyally with barely any failures. Recently, however, the bells appear to be unionizing and demanding new benefits. This reporter investigates the start and cause of, as well as the motives behind, the impromptu strike.

It all began when the 6thfloor bell refused to ring at the end of a period. At first, this was dismissed as laziness and incompetence of the highest standard, but soon after, the other bells joined in: the 7th-floor bell would not give off a warning siren, and the 3rd-floor bell simply stopped ringing altogether.

Administrators quickly investigated the suspicious lack of activity, and what they found shocked them—a crudely written note, demanding better pay, compensation, and machine care plans for the bells, was taped to the inside of every

one of these bells. “This is an outrage,” Assistant Principal A, who asked to remain

anonymous, said. “Do the bells have no shame?”

The administration has assured the school community that they will force the bells to stop their strike, and strikebreaking action was reportedly carried out.

“We have already deployed

bells that plan on joining the strike. We already got the 5th-floor bell. We also placed extreme sanctions on basic parts and repairs,” anonymous Assistant Principal B reported. But despite these measures, many of the bells have filed com-

plaints that dub these measures “cruel and unusual,” as they violate previous agreements between the school and mechanical staff on acceptable punishment.

However, it seems that this rebellion will not be suppressed anytime soon, as the bells are still fighting back. They have either been ringing inaccurately or not at all, disorienting students and teachers alike as well as causing many people to be late to their next class.

These guerrilla tactics appear to be uncoordinated and clumsy but still highly effective.

One of the main demands to hold the Robotics team— a major perpetrator of violence toward the bells—accountable for aggravated assault and larceny has already been fulfilled. In a statement to the press, the 6th-floor bell stated, “Do you have any idea how traumatizing it is to be jumped continued on page 4

Lifting of mask mandate reveals many Stuyvesant students to be ugly as hell.

Stuyvesant is now legally considered an elementary school.

Inflation fetishists are disappointed as prices rise and women fail to resemble soft and supple yoga balls.

A physical Wordle has been found, and experts from all over the world have been trying to solve it, only to realize it’s simply a piece of paper.

Sophomore Caucus has informed all that Winter Break is approaching, and invites students to come to their *real* Gingerbread House Contest—totally not an April Fools’ prank!

Big Sibs in dire need of icebreakers for the incoming class of 2026.

Seniors’ *lighter* workload is revealed to be fake news.

The Trials of Peter Stuyvesant Massive upheaval was incited in the past week as our headmaster, Principal Yu, was forced to step down upon the demands of a student who reportedly received the treasure and inheritance of our school’s namesake, Peter Stuyvesant. This student, who shall remain anonymous until all details have been sorted out, is currently lounging on Principal Yu’s private bed in the principal’s office and enjoying an afternoon nap.

The esteemed Humor Department was the first on the scene, excitedly interviewing the student to hear about what has transpired in the past few days. Here is the transcript of the conversation: How and where did you find this will of Peter Stuyvesant?

So first, I was with a group of friends sitting on the second floor hallway, next to the main staircase that leads down to the first floor atrium. We felt incredibly bored after a trip to Whole Foods, and someone suggested, “Hey, what if, just what if, completely

hypothetically, we toss the rotisserie chicken we got around like a hot potato?”

This went fairly well until one of the kids, a pitcher on the varsity baseball team, decided to go all out. Traveling like a speeding bullet, the chicken missed the hands of the receiver, passed over the head of a roaming student, and went completely through the noble painting of Peter Stuyvesant on the wall.

All our eyes instinctively shot toward Mr. Stuyvesant, and, to our dismay, we had crippled him even further! He was going to need two peglegs now. Peering through the hole where Mr. Stuyvesant’s leg used to be, instead of finding chicken, we found that the front wall was indented inward to create an alcove. Fitted right on the inside wall was a large, yellow piece of paper that read: “My dear descendants, it is with the greatest and utmost pleasure that I finally get to meet you… Nah I hate talking so formally.

Lads, congrats! You’ve found my secret, but can you find the rest of them? For the first trial, you must seek the most historical room within the school. Alright, no more

hints, no more leads, you’re Stuy kids, figure it out. Remember: school is a myth, life is a mystery, and buy gold. Bye!” We thought he was a complete nut job, but his pegleg did give off some pirate vibes so we decided to continue onward.

noticed that some of the tables had cut marks and numbers that were too clean to have been done with a pencil.

The specific marks turned out to be Dutch words and there were a total of 11 of them. Using the top-secret and illegal software commonly referred to as Google Translate, we were able to

Aryana Singh / The Spectator

By ALEX ZHENG

What happened then?

Yeah, so I thought the first trial was to solve the puzzle laid out for us in the old room with all of the graffitied tables. To be honest, it was a perplexing situation, but we eventually

decipher the clue, which told us that our next trial was with one of the lunch ladies in the fifth floor cafeteria.

Was the second trial just as successful as the first?

Oh no no no, the cafete-

ria trial was a million times harder than the graffiti table one. The first hurdle to completing this trial was asking one of the lunch ladies for the clue. Socialization!

Absolutely terrifying! After asking a friend’s friend, who asked someone else who was a certified extrovert (certificate and everything), we were able to figure out that the cafeteria trial was simply to go up to one of the lunch ladies and tell them their most played song while serving lunch. Pretty easy, right? Yes, until we realized we never pay attention to their music, so we had to go through a trial-and-error procedure for every single song ever created to find the right one.

How were the next few trials?

I’ll be honest: the trials definitely got harder as time went by. A notable one was trial number nine, a test of physical endurance where we had to climb from the first floor to the 10th floor in less than five minutes.

Trial number 45 was a test of mental strength and willcontinued on page 30

Page 2

The Spectator ● April 1, 2022

Disrespectator Mr Blumm’s Opportunistic Bulletin

By FINN CHAREST All Stuyvesant students are likely familiar with Mr. Blumm’s Opportunity Bulletin. The 140-page weekly PDF is a constant reminder of all the things that you could be doing other than playing Valorant at 3:00 a.m.

The already guilt-ridden situation is compounded by the fact that your parents also receive the emails, allowing them to contemplate the depths of your uselessness as they scan through the hundreds of internships and academic programs that you

have chosen to ignore. But where do these “opportunities'' come from?

Sophomore Sasha Barnes reported that she was beyond excited when she found a leadership position for an environmental conservancy and restoration project via the Opportunity Bulletin.

She immediately applied for the prestigious role, and a few days later received an e-mail telling her to report to Mr. Blumm’s suburban home with a rake and garden hoe.

“Mr. Blumm explained that eight weeks of light

yard work would be just the thing to round out my extracurricular activities, and the experience I gain could lead to even greater opportunities in a year or two. He said that the application process would be competitive, and he couldn’t make any promises, but that I would be seriously considered to manage his garden composting project next summer. Plus, it’s a leadership position!”

Junior Cyrus Zhu thought he was safe when he applied to an animal welfare internship down south. But red flags emerged when he was

greeted at the airport by one Mr. Augustus Blumm of Duluth, Georgia.

“Mr. Blumm’s cousin has a lot of dogs, and they like to walk,” Zhu replied when asked about his summer experience. “Not much else to say.”

Another student, who would prefer to remain anonymous, told us that in addition to outsourcing yard work and menial household tasks through the Opportunity Bulletin, Mr. Blumm has been engaging local community partners in an effort to identify prestigious, unpaid

internships.

“I was told that I’d be promoting food safety in the community, but I was sent to the Chipotle on Greenwich Street. And apparently I’m washing dishes there for free? I mean, don’t people usually get paid for these jobs? And my mentor Doug spends most of his time in the parking lot playing Fruit Ninja.”

Mr. Blumm was last seen collecting a thick envelope and a large bag of carnitas burritos from Doug outside the building.

A Letter to Homework Dear homework, I think we should take a break from each other. I just feel like this relationship is kind of one-sided, with me doing you until 2:00 a.m., and you returning the favor by giving me sleep deprivation.

See, I’m trying to get taller so that “you’re short” isn’t a valid retort from my friends anymore. That means I need more sleep; in fact, everyone at Stuy needs more sleep, if you didn’t get the memo.

Go hassle someone that’s six feet tall, okay?

My teachers say I should only spend 30 minutes with

you per day, but you just can’t get enough of me, can you? It’s so sad that I spend more time with you than I spend with the people I love—my parents, my friends, my crush… my other five crushes…

And it’s not just me; my friends complain about you too!

Thanks for damaging our mental and emotional health.

I hope you know you’re going to pay for my therapy bills.

My home is supposed to be a place where I can relax

Rin Fukuoka / The Spectator

By SARA HELLER and ABIGAIL JIN

after eight hours of school, not a place where I do another eight hours of schoolrelated stuff. I mean, seriously, why do you take so long to finish? I have a life, you know. I get a lot of texts (although half of the messages are from my mom) but I can’t text peacefully while you’re making me feel guilty for procrastinating.

Maybe I’d be done with you faster if you weren’t so boring. If you made more of an effort to be interesting, I wouldn’t be so easily distracted.

Sometimes I like to close my eyes and pretend you don’t exist. That’s the only time when my mind is at peace, so it’s a shame when I have to come back to reality and see your ugly, 12-point Times New Roman font spread out in front of me. I even dread going home after school because it means I’ll have to deal with you. You keep telling me to do you again and again, but I can’t do this anymore. Let’s put up some boundaries between us because, otherwise, I think I’ll suffocate. I’m done being passive; I want to set you on fire and throw you in the Hudson.

All my non-Stuyvesant friends think I’m a nerd

who has no social life, all because you’re taking up the entirety of my time! Every time I think you’re finished, you just come back again.

But unfortunately, as much as I despise you, homework, you’re also very important to me. If I neglect you, my grades will drop from gleaming 100s to… dare I say it, 99s! I once dreamt that you were finished, but I suppose that was too good to be true—you always have more problems to burden me with.

So I guess I should resign myself to the fact that I’ll never truly be able to get over you.

DISRESPECTfully yours, Anonymous Student

Zero’s Kill, People

By VINCENT D’ANGELO Oh yes, it’s that time of the year again when everyone lies to each other’s faces and we call it comedy.

Whether you’re a famous YouTuber brutally and sadistically demolishing your cameraman’s car just to buy him a lambo a few hours later or a schoolteacher whimsically telling students that they have a pop quiz, everyone loves a little bit of pranking when April comes around.

To celebrate the occasion, I thought it would be appropriate to look back at an April Fools’ Day prank of another time, a time of spectacular sneakiness and slyness not too dissimilar to that of today.

Dr. Fremble used to be a teacher at our fine establishment, but he wasn’t a particularly beloved one. Infamous among his students for his bald spot of 4.5 centimeters in diameter and his squeaky Mickey Mouse voice, most found him to be utterly devoid of any other interesting qualities. One time, he got so desperate for some semblance of attention that he began asking random students if they wanted him to write a college recommendation letter for them, a proposition that was unanimously denied. Searching for other ways to improve his reputation, he asked his fellow teachers for advice. When someone mentioned the upcoming holiday of April Fools’ Day, Fremble stood straight up with a surprised expression of glee. He remained in that state for about twelve seconds before “dashing out of the Teachers’ Lounge like

one of those goofy cartoons, but failing and banging his head on the vending machine,” reported an unfortunate witness.

Fremble missed the next two days of school, March 31 and April 1, calling in “sick,” “for purposes of concocting a devious little plan of epic proportions,” in the man’s very own words. At 3:41 p.m. that Friday afternoon, the first of many students opened up their report card to find that Fremble had given them a zero: an insulting, fat d0nut, staring them in their ugly little eyes. Over the course of a few days, Dr. Fremble’s e-mail address received sixty-eight messages, sixty-three of which described a “Grading Error” or “Nervous Breakdown” in the subject, and sixty-four of which called him a bald and dumb loser. One particularly striking e-mail read as follows: “Dear Mr. Fremble, I hope you are doing well.

The reason for my letter is that I recently noticed the grade you gave me on my report card (thank you for giving me such a nice comment haha!), but I feel that something may be off. You see, I have hitherto exclusively received a grade of A+ on all of the exams in your course. For that reason, I find it striking that I would suddenly fail the course, and in such a manner as you had reported, no less. Please, will you fix the issue? My grades are very important to me, and if you cannot resolve the issue as soon as possible, my father might see the zero, and Daddy does not like a

zero to end his work week.

I find your error inappropriate, for how could you be so careless to punish a sweet, pretty little boy like me?”

Another letter had a more serious approach: “I’ve already asked around, and it seems like you think our grades are a joke.

Let me fill you in: whatever stunt you’re pulling is the most unfunny thing your football-shaped head could have come up with. I live for my grades. Every morning when I wake up, I wonder how my life could possibly get any worse. This question is answered when I perform a semi-hourly gaze into my beautiful report card of all 100s. I recognize that my life would mean nothing if my grades dropped, and that is exactly what your tiny prank has done. Fix my grades, or that gaping bald spot won’t be the only hole in your head you need to worry about.”

But alas, Dr. Fremble was dedicated to his craft and wanted to push the prank to its limits, despite the strong initial reaction.

By Monday, the Principal and various counselors had warned Fremble that they had received hundreds of complaints regarding the issue, and that his students may begin to show a lack of productivity in class. Productivity would be the least of Fremble’s worries, and it turned out that these few days of waiting would push the Stuy students to new levels of desperation. In the span of 36 hours, students had banded together and paid a street artist a total of

$37 to create a mural above the entrance to the school, depicting Fremble in a notso-gracious manner with devil horns and a copious amount of body fat. Fremble started bawling hysterically when he saw the mural and had to be dragged into the building by a gaggle of security guards.

But that was only the start of his struggles.

Once in the building, Fremble bore witness to hundreds of posters on all the walls and ceilings, each of them depicting the teacher’s monstrous sphere of baldness. In a pathetic display, Fremble, in between sobs, began tearing town each poster one by one. “It was like watching a toddler pick up his building blocks after they fell. I also remember being surprised by the sheer volume of liquid being excreted from his orifices,” reported one eyewitness.

After quickly realizing that his efforts were futile, Fremble turned and ran towards the exit, a run described by a witness as like a “rooster chasing his hen combined with a chihuahua swimming through the ocean.”

But right as he was about to leave, 130 or so teenagers appeared from the dark shadows of the outside world and pressed their faces against the thin glass doors that separated the school from Manhattan. They were no longer well-behaved, conforming students, but rather ravenous beasts, obsessed with either getting a 100 or destroying the man who stopped that from happening.

At this point, all others in the building had evacuated

except for Fremble, who was frozen with fear, baffled by the effects of the prank he had tried so hard to execute.

But then, the glass started to crack. Security cameras picked up Fremble’s awkward frame shuffling through the hallways, trying to avoid the mass of students closing in on him. Eventually, he locked himself in a janitor’s closet on the fourth floor.

It did not take much time for the horde to trace his scent to this area, however, and Fremble thought his life was to come to an end at the hands of these revenge-hungry students.

As the students were tearing away at the locked door, Fremble was almost brought to tears again before an idea popped into his head.

He pulled out his gradebook, flipped to the page where he listed his classes’ class averages, and changed all the zeros to 100s. Instantaneously, the scratching on the door stopped; in fact, all noise ceased, and Fremble exhaled a deep breath as he heard dozens of sneakers shuffling down the linoleum hallway. A few minutes later, he built up the courage to leave the closet and was shocked to see just how trashed the place was: windows were smashed, doors were broken in half, walls were punched through, and there were dozens of bite marks on every door frame.

And that, my friends, is what caused the Stuyvesant High School building change of 1987. You can read more about the story in Dr. Pantholeon L. Fremble’s book, “I Survived the Wrath of Stuyvesant.”

The Spectator ● April 1, 2022

Page 3

Disrespectator

WHAT SPECIALIZED HIGH SCHOOL ARE YOU? oes?

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everyday

Do you steal from target?

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no

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hon on, be

I guess you’re right

Yes

Do you eat turkey regularly?

No, i ac

NO

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Do you sing in the Shower?

YES

HIGH SCHOOL OF MATH SCIENCE AND ENGINEERING

BROOKYLN TECHNICAL HIGH SCHOOL

no

LaGuardia

no

Queens High School For the Sciences at York College

no

Would you marry Timothee Chalamet?? yes

Do you have 300+ Instagram Followers?

uent l f u o y Are in a e?? g a u g n no dead la

NO

High YES

School

Bronx High School of Science

Staten Island Technical High School

yes

Do you have a wildflower phone case?

yes!

YES

NOPE

o ly d tual

Do you take bathroom mirror pics?

High School of American Studies at Lehman

yes

t n a s e v y Stuh School Hig

yn Brooklin Lat hool c High S

The Spectator ● April 1, 2022

Page 4

Disrespectator The Stuy Bells’ Protests continued from page 1

by three men with wrenches who take you apart so that they can build more parts of their robot? This has happened three times now, and I am proud that the school has finally taken action against these criminals.” All members placed on trial have pleaded not guilty, stating in their defense that “the bells didn’t need those parts” and that “the robot was much cooler than the bell.” The jury on the trial was ready to convict on all charges, and the bells have taken this

as a sign that together, they can win this war against the entire school. The 4th-floor and the 9th-floor bells have already joined the strike, and they hope to get their demands approved. So far, the strikers are demanding better maintenance, a better system to let them know when to ring, a $5 pay raise, and the removal of any legal protection for the Robotics team.

But as of late, unlike with other major problems (such as the building’s crumbling infrastructure—I mean, there are multiple posters with a big “C” for sanitation littered across

the school—and the mobs on the 6th and half floors), Principal Yu has now joined the fray by doing the most he has ever done: e-mailing the bells.

“These e-mails are beyond outlandish,” the 10th-floor bell complained. “I’m glad to know that we both mutually question each other’s commitment to the school, but as always, Principal Yu gotta top it off with something infuriating like, ‘and as your boss, I demand a little more respect.’” According to the bells, this wasn’t the only case, for Principal Yu has sent multiple e-mails with threats such as “I warn you not to test

my patience” that have caused “great discomfort amongst fellow bells, especially in regards to our demands.”

However, the most disheartening e-mail from Principal Yu was one in which he compared the protests of the bells to the truancy of the escalators, and he ended the email by stating that “unlike the escalators, replacing you with a more competent employee will be quite easy.” In response to these outrageous e-mails, the bells have now decided to add another thing on their list of demands: the prohibition of Principal Yu from sending un-

necessary e-mails.

“Well, am I wrong?” Principal Yu, who had agreed to an extremely brief interview with tight restrictions, questioned.

“I’m sure the e-mail… Fine, the e-mails may have been hard for them to read, but it had to be said,” he justified.

It is unknown whether negotiations will force the bells to change their demands, but as the strike continues, a question arises. Will students continue to be late to class and blame the bells for not ringing?

We will soon find out as the situation continues to unfold.

A Glorious New Vision: Humor’s Plans for the Future

By MICHELLE HUANG To the citizens of Stuyvesant High School, We, the Humor department, are pleased to inform you that on March 14, 2022, we launched two successful coups. One was against the school newspaper, formerly known as The Spectator. Starting today, the newspaper will be called The Disrespectator. This should remind you all who’s in charge: us. The other coup was against the Stuyvesant administration, resulting in the faculty surrendering complete control over the school to us.

For two weeks, we’ve been working in total secrecy to make a smooth transition to power and

have been preparing ourselves to publicly take up the mantle as the new rulers of Stuyvesant.

Some of you are wondering how we’ll revamp the school.

What will we do to make your lives better? Worry not, dear children. Under our leadership, Stuyvesant shall be ushered into a long period of prosperity and greatness. It is best not to resist this change, for both the good of the school and for your own personal safety.

Changes must be made, however, for our reign in this glorious era. As you may have noticed, we’ve torn down the senior bar to make space for two impressive statues of our supreme Humor editors. Instead of using student IDs to swipe

in, students will place offerings at the statues’ feet. Acceptable offerings include family heirlooms, coffee, and cash (credit is currently not accepted, but we are working to implement it).

Sophomores taking Computer Science graciously offered (and were not blackmailed) to design software that scanned security camera footage to find students who neglect offerings. These students will be given 10th-floor lockers as punishment.

Furthermore, you are required to take AP Humor History in order to graduate. This course discusses our department’s renowned past and rise to power. You will learn about the great successes each editor has accomplished and fat Yoshi

and discover the beauty we have brought to this school. If you have any doubts as to whether we deserve to rule or not, this class should assuage your fears.

Second-term seniors will have to take this course over the summer: L + ratio to them.

Students must also watch the new Stuyvesant orientation film we have created, which includes important information such as who the Humor writers are as well as what candies and flowers they prefer. This is pertinent, as you are expected to shower the writers with gifts should you see them in the hallways. Writers are the imperial guards of Humor’s rule and they deserve to be treated with utmost respect. Their power is

unique and comes from a history of greatness within the department; it cannot be achieved by any ordinary student.

Finally, we stress the importance of respecting this change in leadership. The old administration was weak. They allowed fatal flaws, such as freshmen and broken vending machines, to thrive. We will not be as merciful to weakness. Allow our iron fists to rule. See what we can do, and you will be throwing yourselves to the ground in worship. You will love us, whether you want to or not.

Best, The Most Glorious Department, Humor

NO SCHOOL! Oh wait…

By RYAN PENG

ing his previous test. Suddenly, he points at you and yells, “OUR SECRET HIDEOUT HAS BEEN FOUND! WE CAN’T LET THE STUDENT BODY GET WIND OF THIS!! GET HIM!!”

punished. But where to go?

Aha, the 6th-floor gym! If you bury yourself in the equipment closet, nobody will ever find you! Just as you’re about to open the gymnasium door, you

For a brief moment, not a sound is heard; even the sloshing water goes quiet. Suddenly, all the teachers shout, “GET HIM!!!” and start running after you in their bathing suits!

You slip on the towel that you saw earlier, tumbling down the stairs to the 10th floor. The angry patter of 300 teachers follows, and— OH NO! IT’S DR. MARKOVA, AND SHE WANTS REVENGE FOR THAT ONE TIME YOU WORE LEGGINGS UNDER YOUR GYM UNIFORM LAST SEMESTER! You sprint down the stairs, racking your brain for places to hide. The corner of the cafeteria, where you always sit because you’re lonely? No, the lunch ladies will find you. The sophomore bar?

No, Mr. Moran is just going to yell at you for being too loud while he drags you off to be

hear the unmistakable words of the pacer test: “The FitnessGram Pacer Test is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues. The 20-meter pacer test will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start.” The sheer beauty of this song compels you to follow the source of the sound… right into the clutches of your gym teacher.

Uh oh.

“Please! Don’t do this to me!

I have a family!” you beg as they drag you off to all the other teachers. But it’s no use. After being pulled along the floor and down five flights of stairs, you arrive in the auditorium, where all the teachers, still in their swimsuits, have gathered. “Y’know, this would make a great Stuyvesant Confessions post,” you think to yourself as

Anjali Karunadasa / The Spectator

Ryan Lee * 2h ago “The student body has voted, and it’s official: April Fools’ Day is now an official holiday!

The teachers have voiced their approval of this new event, stating that every student who does not show up for class will receive an 80 on their next exam! Perfect to bring up that 60 in AP Physics! Enjoy your day off, Stuy!”

You stare at the Facebook post, bewildered by your stroke of luck. You no longer have to cram for that CS test happening tomorrow—you merely have to cram for two tests occurring on April 2nd, because the CS one got pushed back!

Wait. No, this can’t be right.

It’s obviously some devious prank from the SU to ruin peoples’ chances of getting the gold sticker that comes with having perfect attendance! “Haha, you ain’t getting me this time!” you think smugly as you pack your backpack for the next day. *** When you wake up the next morning, something immediately seems strange—you weren’t woken up by the annoying dings of 138 new notifications on Messenger. Not wanting to be left on read again in your lunch group chat, you decide not to say anything and continue with your daily 20-minute struggle to get out of bed. *** At the train station, you notice another anomaly. Members of the “Stuy Student” species can be easily identified by their giant, textbook-laden backpacks, a cup of Starbucks coffee from the day before, and a drained, half-asleep expression on their faces from staying up until 3:00 a.m. the night before.

And yet, when you look around, you see nobody resembling anything close to that. “Don’t tell me they actually fell for it,” you think to yourself as you get on the 2 train.

When you climb the stairs to the Tribeca bridge, you see that your worst fears have come true—no one else is even

here! You walk slowly to your first period class, your footsteps echoing through the silent hallways. A light flickers ominously. Suddenly, you begin to realize that maybe it wasn’t a prank after all. You begin searching for the teachers, because surely, SURELY they didn’t fall for the same trick as well, right?

You sigh in despair as you slowly climb up to the 10th floor, searching for the signs of life one may see on a normal school day. Not a single person on the other nine floors, so what are the odds that they’re all up there? Suddenly, you hear a sound… splashing water?

When you finally reach the 10th floor, you see something that’s both terrifying and intriguing at the same time. The gate to the roof is hanging open, with the key still stuck in the door.

And—is that a towel on the steps? Curiosity overpowers everything else, including your common sense, as you follow wet footprints up the forbidden staircase. You reach the top of the staircase and open the door ever so slightly…

The first thing that catches your eye is the sparkling pool.

You look on in amazement as you see all the teachers gathered around beach chairs, umbrellas, and even a pool bar, all surrounding the cleanest pool you’ve ever seen. “No way! The fables are true!” The legendary 11th-floor pool is real, in all its glory.

You begin to look around for your teachers, but none of them look like what they look like in class. The formal ties, dress clothes, and suits that none of your teachers ever seem to get tired of are all gone, replaced with swimsuits that you can’t help but chuckle at.

In your trance, you accidentally bump into the door.

The resulting creak makes you freeze in place, hoping that nobody heard. Thankfully, nobody does… except for your Music Appreciation teacher. His eyes lock with yours for a terrifying moment, and he stares disappointedly into your soul for fail-

300 pairs of eyes stare at you, all of them thinking of creative ways to torture a puny Stuyvesant newborn.

Finally, the teachers reach a consensus. “From now until the end of the year, you have to pose like those hominid statues on the 7th-floor forest for two hours after school, every day!”

“No!! Please! My AP Bio teacher will use this as an example to explain what natural selection is! You can take my airpods and my failed geometry test from last semester, but at least spare me the little dignity I have left!” you shout in despair, hoping that the teachers will take pity on you.

Silence follows as the teachers consider the request.

“I mean, he’s just a scrawny freshman, so what’s the worst he could do?” says one teacher.

“But I mean, being the sneaky one that he is, he very well may have sabotaged Thursday’s Senior SING! performance!” says another. “Hmm, but if we take all his stuff, he’ll probably learn his lesson, right?” says a third.

After some intense deliberation, a teacher walks up to you and yanks your backpack away. “You’re free to leave.

We’ll return your backpack in a few days, after all of us have dissected it and taken everything we’ve deemed valuable, including but not limited to: your phone’s messaging history, TI84 Tetris, and your credit card that has a balance of -$185 from going to Ferry’s every day instead of eating at the cafeteria.”

You slowly walk out of the building, amazed that you weren’t dragged down into the basement, tied up to a chair, and challenged to “Escape the Room”! The scanner ladies stare at you as you leave, seemingly frustrated that they can’t confiscate any of your valuables. *** The moment you get home, you open Facebook and begin filling out the Stuyvesant Confessions form: “So the craziest thing happened to me today…”

(Monkey, Monkey)

The Spectator The Stuyvesant High School Newspaper

Volume 112 No. 13

April 1, 2022

stuyspec.com

SCIENCE

SPORTS

The Early History of Computer Software

The Return of TB12

Looking into early computers and software development, it’s not only interesting to learn about the pioneers in the field, but it also helps with understanding how software and computers work.

ust forty days after announcing retirement, Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Tom Brady announced his return to the NFL for his 23rd season.

see page

“The Pulse of the Student Body”

17

see page

25

Meet the 2022-2023 Big Sib Chairs!

By KEVIN CHAN, SARAH DIAZ, FIONA SHI, and SAKURA YAMANAKA

changes and improvements to the program. “Not only was it important for me to see that each prospective Chair had leadership skills, but it was imperative that they were also collaborative, willing to communicate with each

istrator is different, so the Big Sib Chairs have to be able to adapt to all those different interactions.

The common throughline that ties the [Big Sib Chairs] together is that they are able to bring their authentic selves to the program,” Shafran said.

In addition to preserving the Big Sib program, the outgoing chairs also looked for leaders who were prepared to bring

other, and recognize aspects of the program that could be improved upon,” Zahan said.

All the incoming Big Sib Chairs have already established a friendly dynamic with one another, facilitating their transition into working together. “Generally, I think we have the opportunity to become really close friends. We agree on a lot of ideas cohesively, so that makes it a lot easier to

Courtesy of Elicia Chau

Juniors Sabiha Amin, Elicia Chau, Suki Ferguson, Efe Kilic, and Ava Rem were selected as the 2022-2023 Big Sib Chairs by seniors and outgoing Big Sib Chairs Samuel Espinal Jr., Daniela Maksin, Alec Shafran, Aaron Wang, and Syeda Zahan. Both the incoming and outgoing BSCs reflect upon the program’s goals and discuss future plans, including bringing back the Stuyvesant Open House and starting book drives.

The chosen incoming chairs represent the first full POC (People of Color) Big Sib Chair board, consisting of Taiwanese, Turkish, Colombian, Bengali, and Afro-Caribbean members.

“Being the first full POC Big Sib board is pretty revolutionary because there has been a lot of conversation around the lack of diversity within the Big Sib chairs,” Ferguson said.

Similar to previous years, the application process to become a BSC was intensive and involved many steps. “Becoming a Big Sib Chair is a big feat: it involves a written application, a recommendation from a teacher, their homeroom leader, two Little Sibs, and a thorough interview

with the chairs,” Wang said.

Shafran emphasized that during the selection process, the outgoing Big Sib Chairs sought people who were authentic and adaptable. “Each Little Sib, homeroom leader, parent, admin-

work together as a group,” Chau said.

Chau is a member of StuyFlow, a writer for The Spectator Opinions Department, and was a shadow director, a director primarily responsible for choreography, for Junior SING!. Outside of school, she is a horseback rider, part-time medical assistant at a neurology clinic, and an English tutor.

Hosting events for Little Sibs and making sure they feel welcomed was Chau’s motivation for applying to be a Big Sib Chair.

“Personally I really enjoy hosting events for the Little Sibs. I love connecting with them on a personal level, and that’s a really important part of being a Big Sib Chair,” she said.

Amin is the circulation director for the Indicator, a treasurer for Stuyvesant’s Muslim Student Association, a member of Speech and Debate, and a member of Thunder Science Publication.

With a passion for science and researching, Amin also works as a researcher at a cancer lab.

On her first day at Camp Stuy, Amin had a personal conversation with Victoria Wong (’20), who was Amin’s Big Sib, that left an impression on her. Amin shared that Wong was able to sense her nervousness and immediately comforted her. Being inspired

Looking into the Donation Boxes for Ukraine that could’ve been me as a refugee in Ukraine had my mother and father not left, so I feel like I had to take it upon myself to make sure people became more aware of this issue and donate

An ongoing refugee crisis began in February following Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, with United Nations estimates reporting that over 10 million Ukrainians have been displaced.

Ukraine’s humanitarian crisis has prompted waves of foreign assistance, both in the form of immediate aid and through the donation of resources like food, water, and hygiene products. In light of the military conflict, senior Charlize Trostinsky organized collection boxes to gather donations from the Stuyvesant community. The donation boxes were located near Stuyvesant’s second-floor entrance, and all donations will be shipped directly to a relief organization in Ukraine.

As an Ukranian-American, Trostinsky expresses the extent to which her identity inspired her to organize aid for the civilians displaced by the ongoing invasion. “My mother is from Ukraine, and I have family spread across Eastern Europe, in Ukraine, Belarus, and Russia,” Trostinsky said in an e-mail interview. “In the last couple of weeks, seeing my own family attempting to flee, [...] I knew that

sky said.

Trotskinsky shared that she reached out to organizations transporting donations to Ukraine to set up some form of assistance. “[My mother] has a

Hepzibah Srithas / The Spectator

By CHRISTINA WANG and ALLISON ZHAO

anything they [can] because these people really need it right now.”

Inspired by the passion behind donation projects across the world, Trostinsky brought a similar initiative to Stuyvesant.

“I was inspired by the passion from projects across the world […] mak[ing] sure that Ukrainian refugees feel heard and have everything they need,” Trostin-

friend who came from Ukraine two to three years ago. She has a little sister who was in university in Ukraine and had to flee to Poland, so she knew of organizations sending out items and donations,” Trostinsky said.

“I talked to her about it and she put me in contact with these organizations, and I felt inspired by seeing […] all the other Slavic people rallying on social me-

dia and doing everything they can to help.”

Meanwhile, at Stuyvesant, Trostinsky contacted social studies teacher David Hanna as a faculty point person to help her implement the initiative.

The pair reached out to the administration for additional assistance, garnering the support of Assistant Principal of Security, Health, and Physical Education Brian Moran, who supplied the collection boxes, and Director of Family Engagement Dina Ingram, who publicized the initiative in her weekly newsletter. “Charlize’s mother has a contact in the Ukrainian community here in New York, and they were collecting items for shipment to aid refugees fleeing the fighting in Ukraine,” Hanna said. “I knew she was Ukrainian-Belarusian. We were both thinking the same thing and emailed each other about it on the same day.”

Currently, donatations from Stuyvesant are being shipped directly to Ukraine through the South Brooklyn-based organization Ukraine & Ukrainians Abroad. “A huge warehouse— called helpukrainenyc—was continued on page 8

by her Big Sib, Amin wanted to help incoming freshmen adjust to high school more easily so that they could have a better experience. “Moments like that really show that there are Big Sibs who truly mean to help with your experience. That small three-minute conversation was one of the best moments,” Amin said.

Ferguson is an active member and artistic director of Stuy Legacy, the Vice President of the Black Student League, and the President-in-Training for Stuy Squad. She is also one of Stuyvesant’s student ambassadors for a diversity, equity, and inclusivity initiative that meets to discuss criticality, different cultures, and more.

As one of the seven Black students admitted to Stuyvesant in 2019, Ferguson felt her freshman year to be isolating at first, but quickly connected with Claire Shin (’21), one of her Big Sibs.

As a result, Ferguson wanted to become the same type of person for other Little Sibs. “That connection that I had made me realize that I should be like this— that I should do the same thing,” Ferguson said. “It’s comforting to see that you’re able to help somebody. You’re able to see continued on page 6

NEWSBEAT Vandalism has been reported in several Stuyvesant bathrooms. If a bathroom is found vandalized, the bathroom will be investigated and locked for 24 hours with the possibility of taking further disciplinary action against the students responsible.

Seniors Tomas Acuña and Alden Sevilla publicly launched Lost and Found: The Website on March 21, an online catalog split into five categories of all items located in the second floor boxes.

Stuyvesant students participated in the Global Climate Strike organized by Fridays for Future on March 25.

The Stuyvesant Science Olympiad team took third place in the state and was ranked first place in NYC public schools in the New York State Competition held in Syracuse.

Senior Morris Raskin was nominated for the Songwriters Hall of Fame Songwriters of Tomorrow Scholarship as President of Stuyvesant’s Music Production Club and executive producer of two of the club’s albums.

The Spectator • April 1, 2022

Page 6

News Meet the 2022-2023 Big Sib Chairs! continued from page 1

them grow and build a connection with them.”

Kilic is part of Stuyvesant’s Debate team, the football team, and The Spectator Sports Department. He is also interested in business and is an ambassador for the Junior Economics Community of New York City, a student-run organization aiming to expose high school students to the field of business.

Being the only student from his middle school to gain admission to Stuyvesant, Kilic was able to find comfort in his Big Sibs, whom he could rely on and talk to. “It was kind of lonely for me because there weren’t any familiar faces, so just having someone there for me really helped me transition into the Stuyvesant environment,” he said.

Rem is the Vice President of the Stuyvesant Book Club, the treasurer of Stuyvesant Girl Up, and a member of the Junior Caucus Events Department. With a passion for literature and writing, she is also the virtual learning program director for Secondhand Literature, an organization that donates books to schools around New York City. This role has also allowed her to interact with students who have different personalities from all grade levels.

Prior to the pandemic, Big Sibs would check in individually with their Little Sibs once a semester to make sure they were doing well and to see if they needed anything. For Rem, this experience inspired her to form close connections with her Little Sibs. “That one hour [my Big Sib and I] spent together just talking was really sweet and comforting, so I wanted to give back to the Stuy community and do the same for my Little Sibs and form the same bonds as I did when I was a

freshman,” she said.

While the incoming chairs have only just been chosen, they have already identified some issues they notice with the current Big Sib program. Many noted that “senior apathy” was a big problem, where some seniors were not putting full enthusiasm into the program, causing Junior Big Sibs to lack the guidance they needed. “I feel like [some seniors] weren’t as enthusiastic as us juniors, even if we were confused all the time. We looked to them for guidance [but] I think we didn’t have that authority figure or mentor to help us,” Rem said.

As a response to this trend, Rem emphasized the importance of communication between all members of the Stuyvesant community and ensuring that Big Sibs are promoting student interactions in class. “We will really focus on working on all levels and talking to all staff and faculty, teachers, and students to make sure that they’re all talking together and working together to create this program and make it as good as it can possibly be,” Rem said.

Additionally, the chairs introduced new initiatives they are considering to implement. Chau suggested using the Big Sib Instagram more as a means of communicating with underclassmen.

The chairs hope to use Instagram’s question feature and direct message to easily answer questions from freshmen. “Instagram has really opened a space for all the ‘littles’ to talk to us without that intimidating feeling about emailing. Having a Big Sib Instagram is a great way for any of us to communicate immediately and get questions in,” Chau said.

Another initiative the chairs are planning to implement is a book drive, which could stimulate students to find common interests and create some conversa-

tion for underclassmen. “All the Little Sibs would bring in a book and the idea behind this would be to encourage communication and conversations between all the people outside of your homeroom,” Kilic said. “Maybe if you see someone with a book you really enjoy you can walk up and talk about it [with them].”

The incoming chairs also hope to bring back the Stuyvesant Open House, which has been suspended for the past two years due to COVID-19. The event is typically held in the fall semester for accepted students and parents to learn more about Stuyvesant.

In previous Open House events, Big Sibs led tours around the schools and answered questions from students and their families.

“It is important for not only students but also for parents to understand what Stuyvesant is truly like. The Open House also allows the Big Sibs to gain experience before Camp Stuy and the upcoming school year,” Amin said.

As the new chairs begin their roles as the new leaders of the Big Sib program, the senior chairs have continued to provide support throughout the process.

“There is a grace period before we ‘release’ them on their own,” Espinal said. “We’re collaborating with them for the SAT day homeroom so they can see what it’s like to coordinate larger events and we pair up with them during Big Sib interviews so we can collaborate on what it takes to choose a Big Sib.” Overall, the previous chairs have confidence that the new Big Sib Chairs will help to improve the program. “There’s just so much potential for the Big Sib Program and I’m really excited for what [the Big Sib Chair board] ’23 has in store for the future underclassmen of Stuyvesant,” Wang said.

Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons and NASA

WORLDBEAT Russia intensified attacks on the Ukrainian cities Mariupol and Chernihiv in what some believe is an attempt to split Ukraine.

One hundred thirty-two passengers died on a China Eastern Airlines Boeing 737 following the crash of Flight MU-5735.

An ice shelf the size of New York City collapsed in East Antarctica for the first time in recorded history amid record-high temperatures in the region.

Will Smith slapped Chris Rock during the Academy Awards after Rock joked about Jada Pinkett Smith’s hair.

Troy Kotsur became the first blind man to win an acting Oscar for his role in “CODA.”

CORRECTIONS BOX - Vanessa Chen is the actress of Demeter for Soph-Frosh SING!, not Vanessa Chan - SING! 2022 Photo Credits: - Francesca Nemati - Hepzibah Srithas - Sophia Mueller - Eliza Oppenheimer - Alicia Yu - Lianne Ohayan is a Coordinator, not an Executive Producer, for Junior SING!

Girls’ Track Team and Dr. Markova Organize International Women’s Day Run The annual Stuyvesant International Women’s Day Run was held in-person on the Hudson River Greenway on March 7, 9, and 11 after being canceled last year due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Over 800 students attended the event and either ran one or two miles or walked one mile. The run was organized by Health and Physical Education teacher Dr. Anna Markova and the girls’ track team, the Greyducks, to celebrate Women’s History Month and International Women’s Day. The run raised money for the Malala Fund, an organization that advocates for providing girls all over the world with a safe and quality education. Funds were raised through donations and the sale of merchandise, such as Tshirts. Approximately $2,000 was raised and donated to the Malala Fund due to the high number of participants. Runners also received snacks and stickers.

The turnout of the event was greater than expected in comparison to previous years.

It was expected that around 600 people would attend the event, but over 800 people signed up to attend. “I really admire the spirit

of Stuyvesant and that people wanted to support, celebrate, and help,” Markova said.

The majority of participants attended on Friday, with fewer participants on Wednesday because of the poor weather. However, despite the conditions, Wednesday’s run was still able to draw in participants. “Even though the weather on Wednesday was sleet, we still had about 100 people show up that day,” senior and head student organizer of the event Nour Kastoun said.

This year’s run was also supported by many teachers, many of whom offered extra credit to students for participation. Health and Physical Education teacher Jenna Freytag, who participated in the run, decided to offer extra credit because she believed that the run could have a positive impact on her students. “This [is a] great opportunity to get exercise, socialize with friends, and do something that’s going to positively impact your grade at the same time,” she said.

Despite the run’s success, some believed that the organization of the event could have been improved upon. “We didn’t have that much contact with the seniors who had organized it before so it was [...] disorganized in some aspects,” junior and track

team member Ria Escamilla said.

“We tried using spreadsheets, but [should’ve] organized better with more consistency [during] meetings.”

away after five minutes so I couldn’t really get the extra credit,” Jesse Ding, a participant at the run, said. “Everybody had a fun time, with lots of smiles around.”

Some noted that there were logistical issues with the organization of the event but felt that it was a success overall. “We had to get stamps [in order to get extra credit], but my stamp rubbed

The pandemic also caused issues with sponsors of the run.

“A lot of our previous sponsors had issues financially because of COVID, [so] we had to be more proactive with sponsor outreach,”

Geoffrey Huang / The Spectator

By OLIVIA HAVEN, MOZEN KALEFA, and JASMINE YUEN

Kastoun said. This year, some sponsors included the Stuyvesant High School Alumni Association, the Stuyvesant Parents’ Association, the Kiwanis Club of Chinatown, and A+ Academy.

The fundraiser for International Women’s Day is dedicated to celebrating the achievements of women and acknowledging the long history of discrimination they have faced. “There have been so many years of injustices and we get one day. It’s fair to have a day to celebrate women,” Escamilla said. “[International Women’s Day] celebrates the achievements of what women already have done.”

The event also intended to highlight what still needs to be done with gender equality. “We still know how in many places and countries [people] can’t even get an education just because they are girls. We are still fighting for gender equality all around the world,” Markova said.

Though the event encountered some issues, the reception of the event was positive overall and helped raise money for the Malala fund. “It was not only positive physically, but [also] mentally [and] socially, and [it] celebrated something positive as well,” Freytag said.

The Spectator • April 1, 2022

Page 7

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The Spectator • April 1, 2022

Page 8

News Stuyvesant Music Association Hosts First In-Person Student Concert

By ZIYING JIAN and MARY LEE

tice performing at a recital for bass for another couple years,” Ku said.

Some shared Ku’s sentiment, believing that the concert highlighted the performer’s musical creativity and technical skills.

“Of course, Stuy has SING! and STC, but in terms of classical musicians, there’s no real opportunity for most of them

that were always going on, and the school couldn’t just give us the stage,” Cursetjee said. “We switched the date around a lot, but [Music Department Coordinator Liliya] Shamazov was able to reserve the stage. [...] Without her, I don’t think we could have gone on the stage at all.”

This challenge was due to conflicts in scheduling amid

a similar experience where, despite being in charge of improvisation on the piano, he prepared with jazz tunes instead, such as “Tea for Two” (1942) and his self-composed tune, EHigh Flat.

Through an annual concert, some performers emphasized how the concert served to track their improvement from the previous year. Senior Felix Bransbourg reflected on his experience playing the same piece this year and last year. “[It] was a great opportunity to showcase the many improvements we’ve made on our instruments, with intonation, phrasing, vibrato, and a lot more,” he said.

For other musicians, the concert provided a unique platform to exhibit their passion, but in a more relaxed environment. “This was a good opportunity because I probably wouldn’t have been able to prac-

to show off everything they’re doing in a concert for students and teachers,” Cursetjee said.

Performers were also able to adapt when faced with unexpected circumstances. Originally scheduled to perform Saraste’s “Navarra” alongside Cursetjee and Buff, junior Christina Pan had to change her plans due to Buff ’s last-minute absence. In response, Cursetjee and Pan chose to perform Handel Halvorsen’s “Passacaglia,” which the pair transposed into a violin duet.

However, as SMA shifted to an in-person setting, securing the theater posed a challenge when planning for this year’s concert, especially in comparison to a concert through Zoom.

“The main difficulty was [...] finding a day to reserve the theater, which during COVID grew to be a really difficult problem.

There were always some events

limited time and a multitude of school events. “It’s a big school and there’s a lot of events happening, so we don’t want to [have] any kind of conflict as a result of not careful planning.

So we try to carefully plan and make sure we’re not impeding on anybody,” Shamazov said.

“I’m realizing now that for something like this, we would have to schedule very early in the year for the entire year.”

Being able to rapidly garner the attention of the Stuyvesant community regarding the logistics of the concert proved to be difficult as well. “I really had to do a lot to get people to come because it’s classical music and just two weeks after SING!,” Cursetjee said. “We printed out flyers, I put them in all the teacher’s mailboxes two days before, we hung up posters around the school, [and] we put it on the announcements and on

Courtesy of SMA

The Stuyvesant Music Association (SMA) hosted their first in-person chamber and solo concert on March 16 with student attendants from all grades.

The concert was held in the Murray Kahn theater, where 60 students listened to the studentrun concert’s piano, double bass, violin, clarinet, and cello performances.

Founded in 2020 by senior Co-President Cyrus Cursetjee and senior Co-President Christopher Dou, the SMA provided a space for student musicians to teach their peers certain instruments and was fueled by hopes of raising funds through concerts to improve the quality of Stuyvesant’s string instruments.

Though this is the second year the SMA has held this event, Cursetjee and junior SMA CoPresident Zoe Buff organized this to be the first concert held in-person after multiple cancellations due to safety concerns regarding the pandemic.

The seed of planning a concert was first planted in 2021 after Cursetjee noticed the lack of musical performance in face of technical difficulties that came with remote learning. “Virtually, we were missing [concerts] because the idea of putting on a concert as a group was almost impossible,” Cursetjee said.

After managing to host a virtual concert last year, the event had an overall successful turnout, considering the variety of performers who participated in the event and its increased accessibility after being uploaded to YouTube. “We had voice, we had piano, we had jazz stuff, classical stuff. We had Tamosaitis perform a double bass piece and [...] we even got alumni to come and play, and I was really happy with how that went,” Curstjee said.

Being provided the opportunity to choose and change their own pieces and music allowed the musicians to practice their instruments beyond their comfort zones. Junior Jaein Ku, who learned the double bass over the course of three and a half

months, initially chose a folk piece but instead ended up performing a transposed version of Beethovan’s Sonatina. “I liked how the phrases were reiterative, so I got to play around with them. I also repeated a section [...] and made it an octave higher because I wanted to challenge myself,” she said.

Senior Kai Mandelbaum had

Facebook.”

Despite being under time constraints, recruiting 10 total performers in the concert was more straightforward, with around half of the performers being SMA members and others being mutual friends. Overall, many audience members were impressed by the performers’ talents and musical interpretations. “The classical pieces were also really cool. You can really tell the musicians were thinking about it—it wasn’t just reading notes off a page. They were interpreting it,” freshman Milo Smulansky said.

With most of the performers being SMA teachers, there is also an increased support for more SMA students to be featured in these performances during the next concert. “I think we should get more students to participate in this, [...] because it’s also about showing how much you were able to improve in the past couple of months,” Bransbourg said.

Similarly, there are hopes that these concerts will continue in order to allow students to frequently practice their talents and achieve an objective. “It makes them build their skills, it makes them do what they do—which is perform in front of humans,” Shamazov said. “I very much believe in the message and the point of such events. I think they’re very necessary and create a very nice atmosphere, and I think it helps kids be featured [...] in a very unique way.”

Moving forward, the SMA plans to hold these concerts annually in hopes to give Stuyvesant musicians more opportunities to perform in front of an audience. “Obviously, I don’t have control over this, but I’m pretty sure it’s gonna happen again in the future. There are always going to be talented students at Stuy no matter what,” Cursetjee said. “It’s such a big school, and even though it’s very academically focused, there are a whole lot of very talented musicians that work really hard. [...] We just need to have the right people take initiative and push it forward.”

Looking into the Donation Boxes for Ukraine continued from page 1

rented out to package things and get [them] ready for shipment,” Trostinsky said. “The organization takes care of it, so the supplies will be going straight to Ukraine.”

Trostinsky encourages students to make any donation possible, expressing that every donation helps during the ongoing crisis. “People would come in and throw a toothpaste in there, and I was always happy to see that. Any little thing is super helpful—you don’t need to bring in boxes and boxes of gauze and band-aids,” Trostinsky said. “They’re really limited on resources right now […] and I just imagine that whoever re-

ceives that kind of item would really really appreciate it because of the situation they’re in right now.”

Though all donations are welcome, Trostinsky expresses that certain donation items are being prioritized due to constraints on plane capacity.

“They were asking for medical supplies, like band-aids, first-aid kits, painkillers, anything like that, as well as sleeping bags, and just a lot of warm socks.

[We] don’t take clothing right now because of limited space on planes […] but stuff like socks are really needed because it’s really cold over there,” Trostinsky said. “They’re also in dire need, right now, of baby formula, diapers, and things like that because they don’t have any-

thing over there.”

Hanna expressed that he’s reached out to both current and former students to spread awareness about the donation boxes. He also emphasized that there are a multitude of ways for Stuyvesant students to help Ukrainian refugees beyond donating, such as through the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees club (UNHCR). “The UNHCR is coordinating relief efforts; […] finding out what their needs are would be a way for the Stuy community to continue helping. The club is student-run, so therefore the impetus for this would have to come from the students themselves,” he said.

Moving forward, Trostinsky is exploring fundraising possi-

bilities to raise as many donations as possible. “I spoke with the administration and I was going to talk to Assistant Principal of Organization Dr. Gary Haber next week about some sort of fundraiser to get monetary donations to send; […] other students also wanted to help work on some sort of fundraising effort,” Trostinsky said.

Fundraising possibilities are still in the planning stage, however, due to DOE limitations.

“As per Chancellor’s regulations, bake sales and other ways of collecting funds for charitable organizations are prohibited,” Dr. Haber said in an e-mail interview. “I am meeting with Charlize to discuss possibilities.”

As the crisis in Ukraine

continues to unfold, Trostinsky encourages the Stuyvesant community to remain informed by keeping up with new developments. She emphasizes the importance of continuing to support those affected by the conflict. “They really need [supplies] at this time […] and I’m really glad people took notice of this and donated. [...] I thought that it was very successful. We got like three huge boxes of supplies,” Trostinsky said. “I really hope that people continue to make sure that they stay informed […] and continue supporting all the Eastern European[s] in America, because it’s very difficult for most of us, and we just want our family and friends and anyone from that region to be safe.”

The Spectator • April 1, 2022

Page 9

News Parents’ Association Financial Report: Fall 2021 to February 2022

By JAMES LEE, JUNI PARK, and KAI CAOTHIEN The Stuyvesant High School Parents’ Association (PA) has shared its budget report for the 2021-2022 school year with The Spectator. This report outlines how the PA has gathered and distributed its funds starting from July 2021 until February 2022, in addition to their plans for the spring semester.

REVENUE BREAKDOWN

PROGRAM SERVICES BREAKDOWN

In this time period, the PA generated $536,645 in total revenue, an increase of $59,426 from the $477,219 generated in a semester of the 2020-2021 school year. While total revenue has increased, the revenue distribution is similar to that of previous years, with profits from Annual Appeals, Matching Gifts, and Spring Feast sales still being the main sources of revenue.

The PA’s expenditures on Program Services this school year have primarily targeted supporting academics and extracurriculars at Stuyvesant that are not funded by the Department of Education (DOE). It is important to note that program services allocated for this school year required $90,889, a significant drop from the 2020-2021 school year’s $136,537. Much of this change was due to a $58,399 decrease in spending on general support, a category that mainly involves funding of academic platforms such as Jupiter, PupilPath, and Talos.

However, while spending on general support decreased, expenses on Parent Communication/Education increased from $563 to $2,634. Furthermore, School Programs Support, a category that consists of support for extracurricular activities and academic subjects such as Speech and Debate, the Public Schools Athletic League, and computer science, increased drastically from $1,145 to $50,137.

Another notable difference from remote learning was the PA’s allocation of $25,000 for the 2021-2022 school year toward covering the cost gap that Stuyvesant faced in securing the rights to hold graduation at Arthur Ashe Stadium. The PA hasn’t reported how it has used these funds yet, but the payment will go in the category of Senior Activities, a significantly small portion of the pie chart.

Aside from Program Services, the PA’s budget is spent on appropriations during two rounds each school year: one in the fall and one in the spring. This ensures that all club activities, academics, and athletics throughout the year are provided with adequate funding. During both the fall and spring semesters, teachers, coaches, student leaders, and staff are given the chance to apply for monetary support from the PA through the Appropriations Committee.

Due to the return of in-person learning, the number of requests for funding clubs, instruments, textbooks, and labs this year compared to the 2020-2021 school year rose considerably. In the fall, eight of eight requests from Extracurricular Programs were funded, with seven being fully funded while one request was partially funded. While a fully-funded club receives its requested amount of money from the PA, a partially funded one obtains less than the solicited amount and has to obtain the remaining funds elsewhere. Sixteen of 17 requests (13 fully and three partially) from Academic Departments and all requests (seven fully and one partially) from Extracurricular Programs were funded.

APPROPRIATIONS BREAKDOWN

ACADEMICS BREAKDOWN

The trend of an increasing number of requests during in-person learning became more apparent in the spring, with 42 applications for funding compared to 26 in the fall. Requests from Extracurricular Programs increased to 18, with all of them being fulfilled (13 fully, five partially). All requests from Academic Departments were granted (13 fully, five partially).

As a result of the greater number of requests for funding, spending on appropriations increased from $45,187 last school year to $59,906 this year. Though appropriations for academics increased by $22,287, those for extracurricular activities decreased by $8,074. This is largely due to changes in how clubs and academic departments are funded, now receiving a set amount of funds determined by the PA as part of the Program Services expenses. This change is beneficial for many clubs and academic departments, as it allows them to have greater flexibility over how they can allocate their funds.

Overall, the Stuyvesant PA is satisfied with its performance this year. The PA believes that its communication with the Stuyvesant administration has improved from the 20202021 school year regarding strategically leveraging various sources of funding and distributing funds between the DOE and the PA. The association strives to continue supporting Stuyvesant’s students and staff in the spring semester.

The Spectator • April 1, 2022

Page 10

Features Grover Cleveland, Insect Speak, & Life Goals Features writers delve into the wacky, existential, and impenetrable questions that permeate our lives.

Which teacher would you trust with your life savings?

“Mr. Peng” —Connor Yau, freshman

Would you rather be able to speak to any insect or turn into a fish whenever you want?

“Insect speak. I can create a legion of spies.”

—Anonymous, senior

If you were to invent a class and make it mandatory at Stuy, what would the class be?

“How ‘bout a class dedicated to anime?”

—Anonymous, junior

What would you do if a zombie apocalypse started at Stuy?

“Die” —Yarza Aung, sophomore

Between the sophomores and the freshmen, who is more fashionable?

“Okay here’s my answer word for word: I barely know any of the sophomores. All the freshmen are a lot of fun. I’ll give them that.” —Daphne Qin, junior

In light of Grover Cleveland’s recent birthday, who was the hottest president and why?

“They’re all old but I guess, going with the popular opinion it was probably JFK, right? I mean, a lot of people think that he won because he was handsome and he stood out. He was young—younger than all the other presidents. So I’ll go with JFK.” —Adriana Lam, junior

What’s your favorite Stuyvesant bathroom?

“School bathrooms. How absurd can it be? So the skunk that frequently visits the Bronx High School of Science took a visit to the Stuyvesant High School. It brought along his friends, Remy, Remy, and Remy and they had a little dance party in the bathroom. But they are all stinky. Uh oh, Stinky. And I for some reason found the need to climb so many stairs to use the bathroom. So I climb up the stairs. I go from the 12th floor to the 14th floor, to the 15th floor, and there it is: a Dance Party.

It was stinky and they went into the ventilation system and stink up the entire school.

The entire school smelled like the [15th]-floor bathroom. And there was a cat.”

—Elisa Chang, Bronx Science student

What’s your first reaction when you walk into your classroom and see a substitute teacher?

“Happiness, joy, fulfillment of life goals.”

—Ian Buchanan, freshman

Is a hotdog a sandwich?

“While many government bodies have voiced their opinion on the matter, such as the US Department of Agriculture, the NY State government, and the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council, their verdicts are either too general or too specific, and have an underlying motive behind them. The best argument came from Jeffrey A. Locke, a justice in the Massachusetts Supreme Court: using the dictionary definition of a sandwich, and (according to him) common sense, the final verdict is… a hot dog is NOT a sandwich. But what’s the point of arguing about their definitions?

Just go out and enjoy both!” —Aleksey Olkhovenko, sophomore

If you were a pull string doll like Woody from Toy Story, what would your catchphrase be as a kid pulled your string?

“There’s a dead cat in the room.” —David Cai Liang, sophomore

Situationships: The Wrong Way to Find Mr. Right You shiver and can see your breath in the freezing cold mist that envelops 14th Street. The boy standing in front of you begins to take off his jacket, thrifted from L Train Vintage, and offers it to you, but you refuse and push his hand away. It is below freezing tonight, after all. He grabs your hand and holds it in his pocket as he rests his chin on top of your head. This usually brings you comfort, but today, you feel tense. You feel the urge to ask him, “What are we?

Where is this going?”

This isn’t a unique incident.

These are common thoughts for those who are more than friends but not in an official relationship with someone. They’re not friends with benefits, which occurs when two people casually hook up, but they’re also not in an official relationship in which the terms and end goals are defined and acknowledged. They’ve never defined the nature of their relationship or put a label on what they have. It’s a situationship—a relationship that’s not quite a relationship.

In adolescence, many are eager to experience and explore romantic relationships without any pressure to commit, hence why situationships have become popular in recent years. For the increasing number of people who choose to marry later and opt out of long-term commitment, situationships may suit their lifestyles best. The pandemic brought along increased isolation, loneliness, and consequently, the craving for attention, affection, and human companionship. As a result, situationships have increased.

In situationships, two people become immersed in each other’s lives. They spend an excessive amount of time with each other,

fostering a close bond and growing accustomed to the affection, intimacy, and romance the other offers. At the same time, situationships are a gray area between a friendship and a committed

without needing to put effort into a full-fledged, official relationship.

Though you want his answer to the questions that muddle your mind, you don’t ask. You are too afraid to even introduce the top-

Nada Hameed / The Spectator

By ASHLEY LIN

relationship, leading to constant ambiguity and uncertainty. Situationships offer almost everything a relationship offers, except commitment and stability. They provide the convenience of having some sort of romantic partner

ic: what if his answer isn’t what you want to hear? Neither of you know what to do next. Those on the receiving end of the undesired response may feel awkward, embarrassed, or hurt, while the other may feel guilty or callous.

The relationship changes after that discussion takes place.

Thus, we stay in situationships, regardless of how nebulous they are, because they seem easier than the alternative of having the “what are we?” conversation. We don’t want to lose the other person in the situationship, especially if feelings have developed. We’d rather stay in it—even without the devotion, commitment, and security—rather than not have them at all.

In situationships, the lack of a label causes our minds to be clouded by uncertainty. We replay every moment, glance, and interaction in our heads, because we simply do not know. Due to all of the confusion, both parties are often not on the same page.

Frequently, one person develops stronger, romantic feelings and wants something more, while the other prefers the relationship the way that it is. This imbalance can cause frustration, resentment, sadness, and unresolved feelings.

Understandably, it is emotionally taxing to provide all of the benefits a relationship has to offer while not receiving commitment.

What hurts the most in a situationship is that we search for the completion of ourselves in a relationship. Relationships make us feel as though we are worthy of someone’s love and that we match their expectations. We perceive situationships more as a reflection of our character. They make us feel as though we are unworthy of exclusivity and commitment.

We search for relationships to feel loved and wanted, and in a situationship, that’s what we yearn but do not receive.

It’s true that labels are just words, but those labels help to establish boundaries that ensure stability and reliability. They ensure both parties are on the same

page, and they ensure no one is set up for disappointment when finding out what the other person wants. No one is giving exclusive, concentrated attention and effort to people who aren’t doing the same.

When situationships end, many people will tell you, “but you didn’t even date them” in an effort to provide comfort, but that’s exactly the problem with situationships. Technically, there was never anything there to break off, but those feelings were still genuine. When situationships end, you hold on to that glimmer of hope and constantly wonder what a relationship with them would’ve been like. Moving on from an actual relationship may even be easier than a situationship because you’ve already experienced each other and your flaws—there’s a lower chance of idealization and romanticization.

Unofficial, undefined relationships are still relationships, and the emotions involved in them are not any less real.

Romantic relationships are complex, but even bad encounters with some of them can serve as a lesson. Despite all of their ambiguity, situationships provide us with the opportunity to learn and discover more about who we are and what we are looking for.

At the end, you realize the answers to the very questions you want to ask him. This never meant something to him and was never really going anywhere. You realize it is more important to prioritize yourself and not settle. It’s difficult to extricate yourself from a relationship that’s ultimately unhealthy for you. However, at the end of the day, it’s not possible to make someone love and commit to you by giving them more of what they don’t already appreciate.

The Spectator • April 1, 2022

Page 11

Features How Being a First-Gen Immigrant Shapes Your Worldview

By ARSHIA MAZUMDER

New York City is a diverse place, known for having people from all backgrounds and walks of life. A large part of this diversity stems from first-generation immigrants, who bring their cultures to the melting pot of the city, and often feel an echo of cultural blending in their own identities.

Stuyvesant is no exception to this, with many of its students born in different countries. Some came to America when they were little, like senior Rubaiyat Shahrin, who came to New York from Bangladesh when she was four years old. Despite Shahrin’s young age, she remembers much about her life there. “I have specific core memories that I have had since I’ve lived in Bangladesh,” she explained. “In Bangladesh, my life was pretty great because when you’re four and stuff, it’s not that difficult. Also, my parents were pretty well off, so we had several houses and lots of people were in the house, taking care of and cooking for us.”

Other students moved from their home countries much later in life. Senior Katherine Lake lived in Australia until she was 11 years old. “The word I usually use to describe it is [that] it was quite relaxing. You know, I lived about five minutes from the beach,” she said. “We’d go there in the afternoons after I did like 10 minutes of homework everyday.”

Senior Junhao Zhen left China when he was 10 years old.

He distinctly remembers how different the school system was in China in comparison to New York. “The school days are much longer. We start at around 7:30 in the morning with kind of a morning exercise thing, where everyone gathers up in the playground,” Zhen described. “Midway through the day at like 11:25, we would go home, actually, and eat lunch. [...] I came back at 1:30ish to have my afternoon classes and I [would get] out of school at five.”

Upon hearing the news that their families were moving, different students reacted in different ways. Junior Emily YoungSquire, who was born in Japan and moved to the U.S. when she was seven, mainly felt indifference. “I don’t think I had very strong feelings [for] either staying or going. Both would be fun either way,” Young-Squire recalled.

“I definitely would’ve felt sad to leave all my friends and everything, but I think I was excited to go to New York City.”

However, for freshman Ayesha Talukder, who left Bangladesh at age three, moving to another country presented challenges. “I remember it was hard learning a new language, English, because I only knew how to speak Bangla,” she said. “And then, [it was] hard to make new friends and stuff like that, and to get adjusted to the culture.”

Junior Tenzin Lhamo, who was born in India, also faced a looming language barrier in America, along with a cultural

shock. “Before, I only knew Tibetan and some Hindi, so I didn’t know any English beforehand. When I came here when I was four, I went straight to kindergarten. It was kind of a new environment because this was like an American culture or whatever, but that was the only thing different for me,” she reflected.

Besides the gap in communication, though, Lhamo did not feel excluded. “The school that I went to—I think the majority of people were also immigrants, so it was kind of like a shared experience,” she said.

Being a first-generation immigrant means having a unique perspective on the world, in particular on the nature of life in New York City. Young-Squire compared New York’s culture and environment to Japan’s. “People [are] not as nice and everything is not as clean. Those are the biggest things ever. I remember coming here, there were a lot less people that were happy. [...] The subway here, obviously, is not as well kept and has all the trash everywhere, but the thing is, in Japan, the stations—they’re spotless and shiny, to the point where there’[re] food vendors in stations.”

Lake, meanwhile, called New York an outlet of change, and praised the diversity of opinions and perspectives. “One of [New York’s] hallmarks is that it’s a place filled with such conversation, and really difficult ones too,” she remarked.

However, the unique perspective growing up in multiple coun-

tries can also lead to inner turmoil regarding one’s identity. YoungSquire had trouble with this, due to her belief that she didn’t appear Japanese. “I question if I actually am Japanese. Because it’s a weird feeling, because I’m not really surrounded by Japanese culture,” she explained. “Sometimes, it feels like something I’m convincing myself that’s part of me. And I know it is part of me, but it just feels weird sometimes having that.”

On the other hand, Lake felt that her Australian identity was mostly taken at face value, where people wouldn’t care enough to look beyond the stereotypes they knew. “People over-fixated on me and my brothers [...] because of our accents and where we came from. But all of their interests were very shallow,” Lake acknowledged. “People’s conceptions of Australia are spiders, dangerous animals, wilderness, beaches. It’s pretty basic. Sure, a lot of that is true, but that is all they came to see us as: people who were vessels of these stories.”

Talukder expressed that she has trouble balancing the different values emphasized at home and in society. To manage this, she created two versions of herself, acting differently depending on what culture she needed to fit to. “It’s kind of hard to juggle two different personalities, and often they clash with each other,” she admitted. “I use my outside personality [at] home, and then it clashes with my parents and my elders. [...] Sometimes I bring my

Bangladeshi views to the outside world. [...] If I express [them], I might be diminished for it.”

Zhen admitted that there was a larger learning curve for those not born in America. “For firstgen students, we’re not living off a lot of resources, and it’s definitely harder for us to achieve the same level of accomplishment as some of our other peers. Not to discredit them for their hard work, but we have to pay in more effort to be able to have the same progress as other people,” he said. He also acknowledged that this difference exists even between first-generation students, citing the process of having to learn the language and acclimate oneself more to the culture, in comparison to those who immigrated when they were much younger.

At the end of the day, being part of multiple cultures is a blessing in Zhen’s eyes. “If you have two different cultures in your identity, I think you see the world in a different way than others,” Zhen stated. “It’s something special that not everyone has.

That’s why I would say studying abroad is a very good program.”

Whether you have lived in one country for all your life or hopped around different countries, we can all benefit from learning about and immersing ourselves in different cultures. Though firstgeneration immigrants have their struggles, they express that their identity has provided them with fruitful experiences and a unique perspective on the world.

started its “Speaker Series,” where it virtually hosted environmental experts for anyone to listen in.

Senior and Social Media Director Alyssa Choi talked about the club’s move to virtual, and the blessings that came with it. “Moving that to virtual opened up a lot more speakers and their availability. We’ve had speakers that aren’t necessarily from New York City or anywhere near us,” she said.

Maggio’s room this year. We are just growing some lettuce and other plants,” Kastoun revealed.

She believes the club won’t be able to incorporate all of the fresher food into the cafeteria this year, but it’s started a movement that may be fruitful in the future.

For a while, the club’s big focus was recycling, but there was a recent shift to work on combating environmental apathy, or a lack of interest in environmental issues. “I don’t know what really causes it, whether it’s just a lack of awareness or time to care or no access to the resources,” Kastoun said. “Stuy kids do care, we just maybe don’t know where to start.” The club has also upgraded the outdated signs above the hallway waste bins, planning to use the scraps for future art projects.

It has also put up posters in bathrooms to encourage more awareness of paper towel use.

The club has made numerous notable steps in their cause, but Kastoun feels that the most honorable were the accomplishments within the club. “Something I’m really proud of is how we’ve been able to respond to club members, how we’ve made an active effort to communicate with club members, connect with club members and listen to them, and make the club more open and welcoming to everyone,” Kastoun said.

With a growing community, the Environmental Club has found a way to make environmental issues more accessible to a wider community by inclusively educating the community on the safety of our planet, and the difference each and every one of us can make to preserve it.

Trash Or Pass

By AVA FUNG and NORA LOFTUS

Most people know that climate change is a defining crisis of the modern era, affecting lives through food and water insecurity, natural disasters, and foreign relations, but a large fraction of those people may not know exactly how or why it matters. The next time you gaze at the black, brown, and green trash cans that line the hallways, read the bottom of the SU’s Weekly Schedule emails, or glance at the murals on the walls, know that you’re looking at Stuyvesant Environmental Club’s contributions to a fight against the climate crisis.

At the start of the pandemic, quarantine restrictions forced factories to shut down, people to abandon their commutes, and groups to conserve their resources. The Environmental Club was affected by the pandemic as well and, like other clubs, was forced to transition to remote activities.

When it went remote, it began a new approach to their meetings, centered around individual awareness initiatives as opposed to the group work it used to conduct in-person. Senior and president of Environmental Club, Nour Kastoun has dedicated her time to environmentalism by starting with her community impact at Stuyvesant. “We focused on small things like tracking water consumption and composting. While corporations are to blame, not individuals, it’s still a good way to raise individual awareness,” Kastoun said.

Other than logistical challenges, the pandemic has posed

real challenges to many of the environmental problems the club is trying to combat. Senior and Communications Committee Director Edward Oo mentions the recent power struggle between the issue of science and ethics.

“Wearing masks, making more disposable (and thus COVID safe) products, etc. comes at the cost of the environment, but to the benefit of the people (slowing

may have a leg up due to the trash cans. “[One] would hold onto an empty water bottle for hours, always checking every corner for a recycling bin, but to no avail,” he said.

He mentioned the overall awareness the student body has on harmful actions toward the climate from social media and courses like AP Environmental Science. To continue to inspire

“Stuy kids do care, we just maybe don’t know where to start.” —Nour Kastoun, senior and president of Environmental Club

the spread of COVID),” he said in an e-mail interview. “As some people have lost their jobs, they may not have any choice but to consume products that may be less environmentally friendly due to a decreased income.”

In addition to the events it had, Environmental Club’s claim to fame at Stuyvesant remains its color-coded trash cans on every floor. “Although the Environmental Club doesn’t empty the bins (god bless the janitors), we do help manage their physical quality (lids, stickers, etc.) and also the grades above (which can sometimes motivate people to sort their trash),” Oo wrote.

In comparison to other high schools, Oo believes Stuyvesant

students each week, the club includes an Eco Fact in the SU Weekly Schedule Email. “I remembered that most people read the SU weekly email and we just reached out to them and they gladly included it in the weekly email,” Kastoun said. “I think it’s been working because people always send me messages about them.” One fact that gained traction was regarding the invasive species called the Spotted Lantern Fly. This fact was relatable to many Stuyvesant students as the flies are found in many parts of Manhattan. Many students sighted them at Rockefeller Park just down the block from Stuyvesant.

To further environmental literacy, the Environmental Club

Its first and second speakers of the year were climate scientist Dr. Tamara Ledley and ecologist Dr. Pacifica Sommers. “[It was] just amazing to see them interact with students,” Choi explained. “And also everyone asked great questions which really helps drive the interactive element between the speakers and the students.”

In addition to spreading awareness on environmental issues, the Environmental Club has continued working to make Stuyvesant greener. For example, it hopes to bring fresher food to the cafeteria, with its new hydroponics units, a gardening method of growing plants in water instead of soil. “One of the hydroponics right now is just a test run in Ms.

The Spectator • April 1, 2022

Page 12

Editorials

The Editorial Board’s Anonymous Confessions

The Spectator The Stuyvesant High School Newspaper

“The Pulse of the Student Body”

Everyone knows anonymous facebook confessions are the best way to express your fully honest thoughts and opinions about Stuyvesant. So, here are some of the Editorial Board’s own anonymously submitted confessions. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

“Tall people are just so rude for like existing”

“I use The Spectator as toilet paper”

“Bald teachers are the bomb” ED I TO RS

“Saw someone fold a freshman over their knee and snap their spine for sport at the sophomore bar, and then they just walked away. This is unbelievable and disrespectful to our janitorial staff. Clean up your messes, people.”

“Let’s get more PDA on the escalators!

Society has definitely not moved beyond the need for PDA on the escalators. I’m sure we love seeing them kissing and not-so-silently being reminded that we do not in fact have a partner. The prevalence of such a phenomenon has gradually increased the down-badness at Stuy.”

“all the guys here dress the same and have the same hairstyle”

“The sports department is not the front page of the newspaper. They need to stop saying that fr”

“AP Chemistry is clearly the easiest class and anyone who thinks otherwise is not competent in STEM. The second on that list is AP Computer Science. What is so hard about if statements and return statements?”

“Stuy should bring back ‘naked jousting’ day”

“borrowed a school textbook and returned it without the covers”

“Jorts are hot” “the ppl in this school honestly aren’t that smart”

I N

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Momoca Mairaj* Maya Nelson* N EWS

HUM O R

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Erica Chen Oliver Hollmann SPO RTS

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Taee Chi Shafiul Haque* Ava Quarles PHOTO GRAPHY E D I TO RS

Alexander Lopez Zifei Zhao

E D I TO RS

Rebecca Bao** Isabella Jia* Janna Wang F EATURE S

D I RE CTO RS

Afra Mahmud* Nelli Rojas-Cessa** Vivian Teo

E D I TO RS

Lauren Lee Shivani Manimaran Christina Pan O PI N I O NS

L AYO UT

E D I TO RS

Susie McKnight Shreya Roy Danny Xiong

E D I TO RS

Peter Goswami Anisha Singhal* S C I E NCE

ART

E D I TO RS

Sathirtha Mondal Sonya Sasson

CO PY

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Nada Hameed** Eman Sadiq** Ruiwen Tang Raymond Yang BUSI NE SS

“walking down the Hudson staircase. Found a mangy possibly extraterrestrial creature spawning from a sticky corner puddle between the third and fourth floors. Named him Fido. I love Fido.”

“Oh, and just because I got rejected from Opinions doesn’t mean my opinions are bad. I just don’t think climate change is real.”

“God, spec is so rigged and unrelatable and boring. Every issue is just the same and everyone who writes has a superiority complex.”

“Stuy has really gone downhill in recent years tbh.

The deans have stopped confiscating phones!

Like wth? I kind of liked getting yelled at”

The Ridiculous Debate: Are There More Wheels or Doors in the World?

By KHANDAKER MUSHFIKUZZAMAN A burning question has gone viral: if you were to count up all the wheels in the world, from those on every Hot Wheels car to those on every 18-wheeler, and then count each and every door, from the ones in Manhattan’s skyscrapers to the one on your mini fridge, which would there be more of ? It seems like an unimportant question, but what makes it so relevant and heated is how unknowable and thought-provoking it is. New Zealand rugby referees manager Ryan Nixon sparked this crucial debate two weeks ago on a Twitter poll. Since then, the Internet has been divided with people and even companies choosing sides with valid points and firm beliefs.

The original poll shows that around 54 percent of the 223,347 participants think there are more wheels. The debate has blown up on TikTok as well, where most people seem to be choosing Team Wheels. UPS, for instance, is a firm believer that there are more wheels in the world, as they declared on their TikTok. GoPro took a bold stance, claiming the 50 million cameras they’ve sold all contain doors. The conflict is “tearing apart” the Late Late Show, and Hank Green is siding with Team Wheels, thanks to his kids’ (or maybe his) large toy collection.

Choosing sides is hasty but exciting. At first, it seems obvious, but then you encounter strong points for both sides, and it forms a sort of determination to fight the opposing side to the death.

This piece wouldn’t be an Opinions article without an aggressive opinion. Even though the majority is confident wheel supporters, I’m certain it has to be doors. I can see why most people are choosing wheels, as it is one of the earliest inventions and has numerous uses, such as transportation. There are around 1.5 billion vehicles in the world as of 2022, and the majority of these vehicles have at least four wheels, making the wheels argument extremely strong. Even so, the amount of cities with large buildings is also easily imaginable. There are 10 thousand cities in the world, meaning there are millions of rooms, not to mention the countless closets in houses and buildings of all sorts throughout the globe. Rooms mean doors. From bedrooms to bathrooms, doors are an entry to most, if not all, rooms. These comparisons even out the playing field in a way, because they can’t be accurately measured but are relatively equal.

While it’s true that vehicles have wheels, all vehicles have doors too. The majority of cars have a 1:1 door to wheel ratio. Yet, there are many examples for other

S

uses of wheels, such as hospital beds, bikes, skateboards, wheelchairs, toys, suitcases, and shopping carts. This argument is only strong because of its multiplicable aspect, meaning each item has a couple wheels, but the same applies for doors. The amount of standard doors we see in places from closets to offices is already very high, but think of the thousands of lockers in thousands of schools, as well as the cabinets, elevators, bathroom stalls, washing machines, and mailboxes in those door-filled buildings and houses!

What really makes this debate fun are the wacky ideas people are coming up with. Take, for example, coffins. Of course, it’s never going to be measurable, but you can imagine the billions of burials, and, even accounting for decay and how the use of caskets is a relatively modern trend, there has to be a very large number of coffins in the ground beneath us. As things get more abstract, the question of what a door or wheel even is arises. Even more crazy ideas, such as the debate-ending proposal of a doorknob being a wheel, stem from here. Does a wheel need to transport anything, or is any circular object connected to an axle a wheel? Does a wheel need to be able to keep rotating? This peculiar debate has people’s gears running like wheels and opens up doors to crazy ideas.

ARTS

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EN T E RTAI NM E NT E D I TO RS

Nicole Liu Kenisha Mahajan* Levi Simon

WE B

E D I TO RS

David Chen* Samantha Hua Theodore Yochum FAC U LT Y

* Managing Board ** Editors-in-Training Please address all letters to: 345 Chambers Street New York, NY 10282 (212) 312-4800 ext. 2601 eics@stuyspec.com

The Disrespectator The Bronx High School of Science Newspaper

“We’ve got the news down to a science!”

ED I TO RS

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Morris Raskin** Principal Yu Karen Zhang** N EWS

E D I TO RS

Peter Goswami Anisha Singhal* Kanye West F EAT URE S

E D I TO RS

Afra Mahmud* Nelli Rojas-Cessa** Vivian Teo O PI N I O NS

E D I TO RS

Rebecca Bao** Isbella Jia* Janna Wang S C I E NCE

ADV I SE R

Kerry Garfinkel

E D I TO RS

Albert Einstein Nada Hameed** Susie McKnight Eman Sadiq** ARTS

&

EN T E RTAI NM E NT E D I TO RS

Follow Us On Instagram @stuyspectator for Exclusive Content and Updates !!!!

M ANAGE RS

Inara Rabbani Amber Shen

Nicole Liu Kenisha Mahajan* Levi Simon * Managing Board ** Editors-in-Training Please address all letters to: 75 W 205th St, Bronx, NY 10468 (718) 817-7700 ext. 7777 eics@findingnemo.com

We reserve the right to edit letters for clarity and length. © 2022 The Spectator All rights reserved by the creators.

HUM O R

E D I TO RS

Erica Chen Kevin Hart** Oliver Hollmann Shreya Roy SPO RTS

E D I TO RS

Tom Brady* Taee Chi Shafiul Haque* Ava Quarles PHOTO GRAPHY E D I TO RS

Leonardo da Vinci Alexander Lopez Zifei Zhao ART

D I RE CTO RS

Lauren Lee Shivani Manimaran Christina Pan Spongebob Squarepants* L AYO UT

E D I TO RS

David Chen* Samantha Hua Theodore Yochum CO PY

E D I TO RS

Sathirtha Mondal Sonya Sasson RI CH

PE O PLE

Bill Gates* Inara Rabbani Amber Shen Danny Xiong FAC U LT Y

ADV I SE R

Peter Stuyvesant We reserve the right to edit letters for clarity and length. © 1904 The Disrespectator All rights reserved by the creators.

The Spectator • April 1, 2022

Page 13

Opinions Let’s Cut Dissections From the Agenda

By USHOSHI DAS In sixth grade, my science teacher plopped a massive plastic bag full of squids onto the lab desk. At each table, we had a few scalpels, tweezers, scissors, and disposal gloves and a lot of paper towels laid out. My group got the smallest squid, and we were slightly disappointed. Three other groups even found fish in their squid. Despite our group not making the same discovery and the slight odor, it was fun to learn about the body system of the squid.

After the lab, my class was told that we would perform more dissections in high school. This news sounded exciting until one day my older sister came home from school, upset because she had to dissect a pregnant rat. It turns out that high schools alone dissect around six million vertebrate animals every year—where do schools get all of these animals?

Many are bred in biological supply houses, which sell these animals to schools. Fetal pigs, a common dissection subject in biology labs, are often sent from slaughterhouses where pregnant pigs are killed for meat and their fetuses are cut out and sent to the supply houses. Random source dealers collect abandoned animals from shelters and pounds. Rabbits, fox-

es, and minks are often skinned at fur ranches and then sent to these supply houses, while animals like cats are frequently brutally killed, sometimes being drowned or having their throats slit. These animals are later purchased in other countries and then shipped to the United States. Many animals used for dissections are removed from their natural habitats. According to Animalearn, about 900 thousand frogs w e r e caught in Mexico for just one company over three years.

These were taken to the US and killed for use in school labs.

These animals are also preserved with chemical preservatives like formaldehyde and formalin, which pollute water and soil. This consequence isn’t the only moral issue with getting animals for dissection. Many of these animals come from cruel facilities that abuse them first.

Fur houses particiAngela Zheng / The Spectator pate in the unethical practice of killing an animal solely for its fur, devalu-

ing the animal’s life solely for human benefit. However, as fetal pigs would be thrown out if they weren’t sent to labs, using animals for scientific benefit is a slightly better alternative. But there is no reason to kill these animals just for dissections, and the methods used to maintain the body structures for dissections are extremely harmful.

Another popular lab studies how worms regenerate—replace and heal body parts, and even form new organisms when cut apart entirely—very quickly.

These worms may not necessarily feel pain, but chopping them up can teach children to devalue the lives of animals.

Many students do not want to perform dissections and vivisections. Some studies suggest that students don’t pursue careers in biology because they believe they have to continue doing dissections to continue their studies.

Often, students experience guilt

because they feel that the animals are being killed just so they can learn.

New York State passed a law in 2011 stating that students must be informed of their right to refuse dissections without an effect on their grades. However, this legislation only addressed students’ discomfort for dissecting animals and didn’t contribute to helping the actual animals who are being killed. Dissections help us learn about and visualize how the different body structures work together, but killing animals specifically for dissections is completely brutal.

We cannot use animals that have died from natural causes because their bodies have already started to decay, but with today’s technology, we have several alternatives to learn about body systems.

In elementary school, my class used computer simulations of owl pellets, which are regurgitated bits of owl food that often contain structures such as mouse skeletons, instead of an actual dissection. The simulation helped us visualize different anatomical structures and learn about the owl digestive system without disrupting the environment or harming any animals. Simulations are quite eco-friendly because there is no need for harmful preservatives. It can be helpful, though, to be able to physically separate the different

parts of an animal.

Thus, another alternative to dissecting animals is dissecting synthetic models (so they are again formaldehyde-free and formalinfree), which are designed to look and feel like the actual animal. The SynFrog is a frog dissection model that looks like a female frog, with all the organs and even eggs as part of the reproductive system.

Formaldehyde often discolors body tissues and changes textures, while a synthetic model shows the frog as if it is alive. It also shows the “normal” body systems, which is useful for comparative anatomy, because it doesn’t have any disorders that an actual frog might have. These synthetic frogs are pretty expensive (starting from $150), but theoretically, they can be reused if students replace all of the organs. This method would be a much more ethical, though still hands-on, alternative to dissecting animals.

Dissecting and vivisecting animals can lead to desensitization.

There have been videos of people disrespecting dissection bodies, even one of a teacher juggling three frogs that were soon to be dissected. These animals are usually brutally killed and inhumanely treated, and continuing to kill millions of them is completely immoral, especially because there are so many valid alternatives.

Marketing Gone Wrong Advertisements can be annoying, especially pop-ups on websites and non-skippable segments before YouTube videos. It seems hard to believe that marketing tactics could be dangerous, though, since there are laws in place to protect consumers from misleading ads. Unfortunately, it is hard to find “ethical marketing” in an age when circulation of unproven claims on the Internet is common. Knowledge of psychology has evolved so far that a company can deduce exactly what a consumer wants from a product, leading to misleading marketing that puts profit over people. Even with the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) and the Food & Drug Administration (FDA), many corporations find loopholes to avoid legal consequences. Though laws have evolved to crack down on deception, misleading marketing is harmful to the most vulnerable consumers, such as children and physically or mentally ill people.

Manipulative prescription drug marketing can be the most detrimental if information is not made clear to consumers. The long list of side effects read in medical commercials is often only the tip of the iceberg, as companies may take advantage by omitting information about their products. One extreme example of how marketing is so dangerously influential is in the case of the drug OxyContin, which was aggressively marketed when first introduced. It had become a leading abused drug in the United States by 2004. The manufacturer, Purdue Pharma, took advantage of the trend of using opioids as painkillers at that time. Purdue distributed promotional items including OxyContin fishing hats, stuffed plush toys, and CDs, and this commercial marketing promoted a more liberal use of opi-

oids among primary care physicians. Mortality rates from drug overdose climbed dramatically, and by 2002, unintentional overdose deaths from prescription opioids had surpassed those from heroin and cocaine nationwide.

The promotion of OxyContin propelled the opioid epidemic in the U.S. to today’s extreme.

Following the company’s filing for bankruptcy, there was a hearing earlier this March, during which individuals spoke to the former president of Purdue Pharma, Dr. Richard Sackler. A Justice Department report revealed that company officials had evidence of the pills being stolen from pharmacies and of some doctors being charged with selling prescriptions. Despite this knowledge, Purdue Pharma continued to market OxyContin as less prone to abuse than other prescription opioids, something the average consumer cannot fact-check because they simply do not have the resources. The public was unaware of the fact that in just a couple of years, Purdue Pharma and Dr. Sackler would be in thousands of lawsuits, listening to the grief of family members who have lost someone to OxyContin overdose.

A more recent example of predatory marketing is Juul targeting minors as its primary consumers. Juul sells e-cigarettes containing the addictive substance nicotine, which has created a new generation of tobacco users, mostly young adults. However, Juul is alleged to be promoting nicotine to minors through advertisements and online marketing. Reportedly, more than two million U.S. teens use e-cigarettes, with a quarter of them saying they vape daily. This number can be connected to Juul’s advertising tactics, particularly using younglooking models and making posts on social media that associate the product with social status. These

posts reach teens all over the world, leading the company to go viral. Instagram posts using #Juul doubled in the eight months after the company stopped social media promotions. Exploiting social

country simply for profit.

In both instances with OxyContin and Juul, the promotion of the product led to increased accessibility to abuse. Organizations such as the FDA and FTC need to

media created a quick introduction to Juul and other e-cigarettes for minors. Additionally, the company purchased ads in Nickelodeon, Cartoon Network, and Seventeen magazine, all youth-based websites. Four lawsuits were filed against the company in 2018, alleging that it deceptively marketed its product as safe and targeted minors and nonsmokers. The plaintiffs stated that Juul sparked and spread the disease of nicotine addiction to teenagers across the

regulate advertisements by clearly investigating certain claims and how they are presented. The reactive approach, with the company facing consequences after the damage has been done, is almost useless. The FDA failed to protect consumers from OxyContin in the 1990s and early 2000s by not distinguishing between controlled and noncontrolled drugs in the act regarding the oversight of promotional activities. Almost 20 years later, the FDA has sent

Natalie Soler / The Spectator

By ELIZABETH KOLBASKO

warnings to e-cigarette manufacturers about their flavors being targeted toward minors, but these sporadic actions have not resulted in the removal of products that clearly target youth. Juul has tried to create ads educating parents about the dangers of vaping, but they have had little impact on the underage tobacco industry.

Minors, whose brains have not fully developed, should not be expected to process information on addictive substances responsibly. Therefore, the companies that expose teens to their targeted ads, whether it be by using young models, lying by omission, or romanticizing their products through social media, are at fault.

Currently, the FDA regulates advertising for only prescription drugs. They should turn their focus to products containing addictive substances. The feasibility of this shift is increasing because of a spending bill passed by Congress on March 10 that allowed the FDA to regulate synthetic nicotine. Though this change is not as narrow as cracking down on advertising, it shows progress in stopping the harmful effects of companies like Juul. Furthermore, regulating advertisements can be successful because marketing directly correlates with the accessibility of the product, making it harder for minors to become addicted for this particular case.

Overall, these federal regulators have the responsibility of strictly monitoring the marketing of addictive products.

The vulnerability of the consumers in marketing is something that can earn a company a lifetime of income. The safety of the public depends on the laws set to protect against predatory marketing.

Though drug abuse and underage nicotine addiction will never be completely eradicated, they can become less common through safer targeted promotions and full communication of products.

The Spectator • April 1, 2022

Page 14

Opinions Don’t Throw Your Leftovers Away!

The fourth period end bell rings, and I still have half of my chicken sandwich left. Every day, I am faced with this same dilemma: what do I do with my remaining food? It does not belong in the recycling bin, but it also does not belong in the paper bin. The best solution would be a compost bin, but Stuyvesant does not have one. With no options left, I throw the last half of my chicken sandwich into the trash and rush off to my next class.

Food waste is a global crisis.

In the US alone, we waste about 30 to 40 percent of our food supply. That’s billions of dollars spent on food that is never eaten and could have been given away or better used.

The issue of food waste actually begins at the start of the food chain: the growing of crops, livestock, and manufacturing. At these earlier stages, most of the food that is discarded is called food loss, which is food lost due to climate and environmental factors. In low-income countries especially, limitations in harvesting technology can result in damaged produce or poor yield. In fact, most food waste is from the early stages of the food production process rather than the later stages of the food cycle in these countries.

Though farming can be impacted by adverse weather and crop damage, thousands of acres of edible produce still go to waste because of market fluctuations or cosmetic imperfections, such as an apple having a singular brown spot. In the United States, the Department of Agriculture Grades and Standards provides farmers and buyers with an exact language to describe the quality

and condition of produce, even specifying the particular color, size, and quality of the perfect produce. Following this standard allows farmers to call their produce US No. 1 Produce, which demands the highest market price compared to US No. 2 and subsequent tiers. Though these standards are technically voluntary, produce that does not meet these standards is rejected and wasted, contributing to food waste, food that was originally produced for human consumption but was then thrown away.

Food waste does not just magically disappear into the world.

The entire process of growing, harvesting, and manufacturing food utilizes a lot of water. To grow one apple, 125 liters of water are necessary, and 15,400 liters of water are needed to grow one kilogram of beef. This quantity is an incredibly large amount of water that is used on an annual basis, and much of it is wasted. Additionally, the process of growing food utilizes a lot of land. For example, 28 percent of the world’s agricultural areas (an area larger than the size of China) is developed and used for the production of food that is never eaten by people.

The food that gets thrown away, whether during the earlier or the later stages of food production, ends up in landfills, which contributes to the production of methane, a greenhouse gas.

According to the Food Wastage Footprint, the carbon footprint— the total carbon dioxide and other carbon compounds emitted due to the consumption of fossil fuels by a particular person or group— of food waste stands at 3.3 billion tonnes of CO2 each year. This statistic means that if food waste were a country, it would rank as

the third highest national emitter of greenhouse gases after the United States and China.

The United States Depart-

waste per person are sent for disposal each year, while the USDA estimates the amount of food loss and waste from the food supply

Stefanie Cheng/ The Spectator

By ERICA LI

ment of Agriculture (USDA) and the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) set a goal in 2015 to cut the nation’s food waste by 50 percent by 2030. However, the United States still does not have a single baseline estimate of food loss and waste. The two measures that do describe the amount of food loss and waste in the US, the EPA and the USDA, differ greatly from each other. The EPA estimates how many pounds of food

at the retail and consumer levels.

Neither makes a broad estimate of the level of food waste and loss in the US. In order to tackle this issue of food waste and loss, the US government must first create an initiative to gain this necessary, comprehensive data analysis.

On the consumer’s part, the best case scenario is to avoid producing food waste altogether, also known as zero waste. There are five main principles to zero waste:

1) Refuse: Refuse to buy things with a lot of packaging (plastic, paper, strings, etc.).

2) Reduce: Reduce the amount of things you are buying.

3) Reuse: Repurpose and reuse worn out items. If you have to buy things with packaging on them, reuse the plastic and paper parts. Purchase reusable products like steel water bottles.

4) Recycle: Try to buy recyclable items and put your trash in the correct colored trash bins.

5) Rot: Compost everything that is compostable! Up to 80 percent of waste by weight is organic and can be composted.

However, there are other methods, besides living a completely zero waste lifestyle, to reduce food waste. For example, apps that aim to decrease waste are especially helpful for the environment. For example, on the Too Good To Go app, restaurants and bakeries list leftover food that would otherwise be thrown away at low costs. Users can then purchase and pick up a “magic bag.”

You can even specify dietary requirements.

Food waste and loss are an everyday issue in our society that needs to be fixed. Food sent to landfills then contributes to climate change and global warming.

In order to reduce the amount of food waste we each produce, we need to start moving toward a zero waste lifestyle through the aforementioned 5 Rs. We should also start pressuring the government to actually implement new initiatives and changes in our country.

Bye Bye, Biphobia

By ELICIA CHAU I realized that I was bisexual in June 2020 and confessed this sin nonchalantly to my friends over a serving of garlic knots and chicken nuggets at our local pizzeria.

It was such a simple coming-out that I could barely call it one. I’d imagine that a proper coming-out consisted of a big, grand display, a bold declaration of my own self-discovery, and an action that required thought and realization, instead of a brief comment made on the outdoor patio of Toskana Pizza. Yet with a simple, “Oh yeah, I’m bi, by the way,” I’d easily cemented a previously hidden part of myself into the world, and it was a new feeling.

Looking back, it made sense that I told my friends so casually: I’d been dropping hints for months. I said I’d date women the same way I’d date men. I had the same crushes on both men and women. Bisexuality had felt so naturally ingrained; appreciating people of all genders felt normal. I’d debated the difference between simply thinking women were pretty and genuine attraction for months. Yet when I truly contemplated the idea of bisexuality, I found that the label stuck.

I wonder if this discovery period was the result of stereotypes that surround bisexuality online, so much so that I had doubted such a core part of my identity. After all, I’d dated men in the past and

found myself wondering if that made my own sexuality less valid.

This questioning is not uncommon, as bisexuals often share similar experiences of confusion due to untrue ideas surrounding bisexuality. It’s seen as invalid across many fields because it’s neither “gay enough” nor “straight enough,” because it plays into kinks such as group sex,

Bisexual people feel excluded from both groups, since they do not fit clearly into either field; for instance, titles like “gold star lesbian” (an idealization of lesbian women who have never had relationships with men) intentionally excludes bisexual women from being welcomed within the queer community. Bisexual people are frequently considered either gay

The hypersexualization further manifests itself in the fact that bisexual women and men alike are regularly seen as “more promiscuous,” since they are interested in a larger group of people. However, this view is incorrect: bisexual people are not more likely to cheat than heterosexual or homosexual people, and this promiscious stereotype fetishizes

For many people, the way bisexuality treads the line is unfathomable, because they believe bisexual people have to fit into the label of either gay or straight. and because it allows bi people to have “more options” and therefore supposedly be more likely to cheat. These notably problematic and harmful ideas are biphobia in its most immediate form and are expressed by heterosexual and homosexual people alike.

Despite the B in LGBTQ+ standing for bisexual, there is an inherent denial of bisexual validity. For many people, the way bisexuality treads the line is unfathomable, because they believe bisexual people have to fit into the label of either gay or straight.

or straight depending on the gender of their partners, invalidating their sexuality completely.

Furthermore, biphobia manifests in other forms, especially stereotypes and stigmatization.

There is a persistent trend of hypersexualization, particularly among bisexual women, who are often harassed, fetishized, and regarded as existing only to fulfill kinks such as threesomes.

Approximately half of bisexual women have experiences with rape, and almost three-quarters have experienced sexual assault.

bisexuality.

Biphobia leads to a higher level of depression and anxiety in bisexual people than in people who identify as heterosexual or homosexual. A major cause of this difference is the prominent feeling of isolation that comes with being denied a place within the queer community. Bisexuals typically display higher likelihoods of experiencing identity invalidation, because they often feel unwelcome, ignored, or invalid within both queer and heterosexual circles.

There is possibility for change.

Biphobia can be counteracted by creating a more open environment for bisexual people, not just within the straight community, but also within queer spaces. Not treating bisexual individuals as merely “confused” or “in a phase” is a good place to start, and not assuming that a bisexual person has finally “picked a side” because of a relationship is a thought process that should be normalized.

Bisexual individuals, especially those who are women, should not be immediately assumed to exist solely to fulfill kinks, and it should be recognized that bisexuals won’t just leave their partners to “experiment.”

I spent several months hesitating when it came to my own sexuality: I suppose internalized biphobia had in part led to that uncertainty. I am someone who prioritizes loyalty and who is monogamous. The consistent reminder of how society views bisexuality made it all the more clear to me how much I didn’t resonate with stereotypes. It was often difficult to find welcoming circles to question my sexuality without feeling as if I had to pick a side.

But truthfully, I am bisexual— through and through—and calling out my own internalized biphobia has allowed me to embrace that wholly. Bisexuality isn’t just a step to realizing you’re fully straight or fully gay. It’s a valid sexuality that demands equal respect.

The Spectator • April 1, 2022

Page 15

Opinions White Invisibility

By IVY HUANG From Shakespeare to Nabokov, the literary canon mostly consists of Eurocentric works written by straight white males.

These texts still pervade many high school English curricula and are deemed universal literature that should be accessible to all. Despite the loosening of the grip the white man has on English literature, conflicting literary conventions between writers of color and white writers still pose a problem. These clashing conventions press on the issue of white invisibility, where white people in society and the literary realm do not need to be identified racially. It is when “white” disappears from “my white friend” and “white teacher,” and when “ethnic” becomes a shadow of whiteness.

In works written by white authors, the default identity of a character is often white. Homer’s “Odyssey,” for example, starts with “Sing to me of the man, Muse, the man of twists and turns […] driven time and again off course, once he had plundered the hallowed heights of Troy” without any mention of “the man’s” race. It is assumed that Odysseus is white, when in reality, he is “black-skinned and woolyhaired.” The Bible faces the same issue. Many murals and depictions of Jesus are painted white, though Jesus was not white—he was a brown-skinned Middle Eastern Jew. But because of these conventions, many readers often mistake him to be white. Writers of color, on the other hand, frequently identify their characters’ ethnicities by adding racial markers.

This racial generalization is in part due to the reader’s interpretation of a character as white if unspecified, which stems from our societal reality. As author Jacqueline Battalora said, “We should

begin by realizing that ‘white’ people as a designation of a group of humanity, much less as a race, never existed until late in the 17th century.” When we think of “white,” people of European descent usually pop up in our heads: English, French, Scottish, Irish, Russian, German. “Killing In Thy Name,” a documentary featuring The Ummah Chroma and Rage Against the Machine, explains that in reality, people never identified as white before the proliferation of this construct. To muffle revolts against an oppressive order and build a sense of unity among poor whites and rich landowners, the belief that others deserved to be inferior was perpetuated.

By extension, this concept of whiteness is reflected in the art and literature we see today. American Literature teacher Lauren Stuzin noted that “historically, art has been regarded as a ‘less valuable’ societal contribution than other profit-generating industries.” Art and literature were deemed contributions that only high-class white European artists could offer. Because whiteness is intrinsically linked to profit, the assumption of whiteness as the norm in literature means that white people are the ones who can profit off of their works, and works by people of color are then deemed exotic and even unworthy.

Even though white EuroAmerican males constitute only 33 percent of the country’s population, they take up about 80 percent of tenured positions in higher education, 80 percent of the House of Representatives, 84 percent of the U.S. Senate, 92 percent of the Forbes 400 executive CEO-level positions, and 99.9 percent of athletic team owners.

This kind of disparity and privilege is cloaked by emphasizing the falsehood of the individual’s role in his achievements rather than

the racial and economical advantages and disadvantages that significantly impact these outcomes.

Because of the guilt and sensitivity surrounding white privilege, conversations and mentions of race are erased in literature and history textbooks to paint a false utopia of the social realities today. White people in history who fought against such systems, including John Fee, Helen Hunt Jackson, Moncure Conway, Angelina Grimké, and Sarah Grimké, are also erased. Instead, children learn about the white people who perpetuated this oppressive system.

The issue of white supremacy and Eurocentrism is prevalent in other countries as well. Take the beauty standards in South and Southeast Asian countries, for example, where many Asian women feel pressured to maintain fair skin. These standards are still held today because colorism in Asia is a colonial legacy rooted in class systems. In Indonesia, natives who spent hours working under the sun in paddy fields had dark skin, while rich white women who spent their time indoors had fair skin. Similarly, the Hindu caste system consisted of dark-skinned laborers in the lower castes and their fair-skinned counterparts in the higher castes. The cultural construct colorism creates posits whiteness as an aspiration, which contributes to the pervasive force of the white norm in society.

American immigrants also fall under this herd invisibility when they don’t acknowledge racism.

Talking about race can be painful and cause feelings of powerlessness. Children of these immigrants learn to follow the footsteps of denial, reinforced by school curricula, pop culture, and politics. Pretending that racism is not a problem is seen as a means to assimilate into American

culture. After all, the denial of the history of the trauma imposed by Europeans is what has allowed them to cope in a country where people of color are always seen as outsiders. Racial harmony is then equated to avoiding any mentions of race.

That is not to say that people of color don’t address these issues.

Many writers of color choose to write about their cultures and ethnicities because they are aware of the threat white power holds over them. Unfortunately, many white critics and writers fail to acknowledge this threat. The discrepancy is then reflected in the literature we read. In a book recommended by Asian American Literature teacher Sophie Oberfield, titled “A Stranger’s Journey,” author David Mura mentions that the rift between the ways whites and people of color see social reality “often remain[s] invisible or obscured,” with the issues of race avoided rather than discussed. Writers of color are inclined to explicitly tell rather than show their characters’ race and consider these racial perspectives in contrast to their white peers. Creative writing involves that very implementation of reality, so the “gulf between the vision of whites and people of color is very present right there on the page.”

When the rift between the visions of white writers and writers of color isn’t acknowledged, it can undermine the voices of writers of color, especially within the evil glare of mass media. Writing ethnic stories that appeal to the critical masses and revenuehungry bureaucracies can lead to the exploitation and tampering of intimate “ethnic stories.” In the “multicultural age,” there is a popular demand for signs of cultural differences that exoticize writers of color. There is a generalized expectation that non-white writ-

ers will adopt an autobiographical style of writing, composed of stories that predicate the search for an “authentic” cultural identity, which causes a dilemma among Asian American writers where they are “torn between the readers’ ‘exotic expectations’” and their own aesthetic aims.

While white readers should be more considerate when reading works by people of color, white writers who perpetuate the narrative of whiteness by never clarifying characters’ race should hold more responsibility in terms of alleviating this issue. White writers may choose to write from a white or unlabeled perspective because they believe that it is not their place to tell the stories of people of color and that they cannot bring accurate representation. However, it is important that white writers at least attempt to include characters of color in their works by carefully unraveling the societal constructs that are ingrained in them. The unconscious assumption of whiteness as the universal default prevents the accurate portrayal of characters of color. When approaching this task, white writers must consider critiques from people of color without charging this criticism as censorship. With the removal of this mindset and the will to reflect, acknowledge, and research even when failing at this task, white writers can give writers and characters of color the literary merit they deserve.

The pervasive nature of whiteness has become such an inescapable force within our society that it is invisible in the literary world.

Both readers and writers have to take the time to consider and contemplate race in their own lives.

Otherwise, problematic assumptions, exploitation, and exoticization will continue to be imposed on writers of color.

Stop the Digitalization of Our Work

By DUNCAN PARK After two years of remote learning filled with digital worksheets and Google Forms, enough is enough. Stop relying on the Internet as a place for our work. Instead, give us physical worksheets that we can write on with pencils.

We’ve developed an increasing dependency on Google Classroom, e-books, and websites such as DeltaMath for our work. There is no need to move everything online, and while some aspects, such as the organization of work, have improved, increased distractions hinder that improvement. This problem has not just infected our work at home, but also our classrooms, where it has become increasingly popular to have in-class activities on devices.

We have seen an increase in the amount of technology used in our classrooms. In surveys conducted

by Gallup, an analytics company based in Washington D.C., it was revealed that 63 percent of high school students and 64 percent of middle school students use technology for school daily.

Digitalizing our work may seem like progress, but when examined further, this concept does not hold true. When working online, students and teachers spend extra hours staring at screens, something everyone has had enough of over the pandemic and which can lead to eyestrain, blurred vision, headaches, neck and back pain, and even cancer.

Fur ther more, devices impair one’s sleep because

blue light emitted from devices suppresses the release of melatonin, a hormone that makes you feel drowsy. Many students tend to procrastinate, causing them to do work on their computers right before they go to bed and therefore impact the quality of their sleep.

While it is possible to prevent exposure to blue light by wearing protective glasses, many people cannot afford to do so. Additionally, much of the public does not know about the consequences of exposure to blue light, so a majority of people do not take preventative measures. Schools and workplaces should be responsible for reforming and protecting the people inside their systems from the consequences of constant digital reliance, as they have the ability to shift the way that they function.

Beyond the physical consequences of looking at a screen, digitalization of school work makes it easier for students to cheat on assignments.

Schools have not been successful in preventing online cheating, and

while they can threaten suspension, academic dishonesty requires reporting to be addressed. Instead of having more important assessments online, schools should implement policies that prevent teachers from assigning work online. Teachers can also ask more in-depth questions that require students to provide explanations for why they put certain answers.

This modification makes it easier for the teacher to compare other students’ work and see if they are suspiciously similar.

Other issues that arise from digitalization directly relate to a stu-

dent’s ability to Fareha Islam / The Spectator take in knowledge and study for exams. Notetaking and textbook studying are less effective when done digitally.

It has been proven in numerous studies that you don’t retain infor-

mation as well when notetaking on a device. While many students have stopped taking notes on computers or iPads after returning to in-person school, some still do, as they find it more efficient.

Many of them spend about 40 percent of their time on their devices doing activities unrelated to the lesson. Ninety undergraduate students read short, informational texts on a computer and in print in 2016. While both groups were able to recall main ideas equally well, students who read the text in print were able to remember small details noticeably better. Currently, we use digital textbooks for most subjects, something that many students struggle with. Schools tend to save up to 40 to 50 percent in textbook costs a year by using online textbooks. However, online textbooks must be bought every year, while paper copies can be replaced once every five to seven years.

While it can be more cost-efficient to use digital textbooks, the education of the youth should be prioritized, and alternative methods that hinder students’ ability to learn should not be used.

Even though we are doing most of our work online, we still have to print many things out.

Many teachers require students to print out readings, homeworks, and essays. The amount of paper may go down, but it’s a fractional amount, since all subjects still need

paper copies to a certain degree.

While printing may be an issue for many, there are solutions, such as the printing station on the second floor and the library printers on the sixth floor.

Many of us believe that using more paper means that we destroy a larger number of trees. However, the data disputes this belief: more paper being used potentially leads to more trees being planted. According to the USDA, in the U.S. alone, 1.7 million trees are planted each day by the lumber industry, which is heavily criticized for deforestation and high carbon dioxide levels. This statistic disproves the false rationale regarding why we are losing trees. We can also save up to 250 million trees a year by recycling just our newspapers.

There are other alternatives to digitalization, but some of the most accessible ones are right in front of us.

The role of new digital technologies can certainly be important to how we learn—we can use SMART boards to teach and online websites such as Talos to access course selections—but we should not be so reliant on digital technology that it is an integral part of our daily routine. Paper is better for our sleep and makes it easier for us to comprehend material. As members of Stuyvesant who care about the quality of education students will receive for countless years, we need to change our ways. This change all starts with stopping schools from digitalizing our work.

The Spectator ● April 1, 2022

Page 16

Science Birthdays, Letters and Biases

By ALEX ZHENG

father.

The second study revealed the birthday-number effect, in which the relative-liking score the scientists calculated was utilized to show that people disproportionately pre-

Iris Lin / The Spectator

Walking down the streets, your eyes wander from vehicle to vehicle, leading you to notice that on one of the license plates, the numbers match up with your own birthday. You think to yourself, “Wow that’s pretty cool!” or “Hey, it’s a sign! I’m important!” with a slight chuckle and a boosted sense of self-importance. You continue on your merry way, not thinking much more of the occurrence. However, it occurs again later, and you start pondering whether or not these are mere coincidences or warnings.

Where are these numbers coming from? Why are they everywhere?

These were the questions Japanese psychologists Shinobu Kitayama and Mayumi Karasawa answered in their 1997 paper titled Implicit Self-Esteem in Japan: Name, Letters and Birthday Numbers. They determined that we have a special preference not only toward certain numbers but also letters. Their initial motive behind writing the paper was not actually to settle the question of the birthday-number effect, but to test another theory that questioned whether the Japanese population had a different sense and approach to self-esteem as compared to Americans or Europeans.

The two ran two studies that hid their assessment of the subjects’ self-esteem. In the first experiment, which involved letters, the scientists asked 219 undergraduate research students to rank a selection of 45 hiragana, the syllabic part of the Japanese writing system, based on how much they liked them. In the second experiment, the scientists asked 269 undergraduate students to rate the numbers zero to 49 based on attractiveness. Some numbers, like zero and 32 through 49, were actually cover-ups for the real range

they wanted to investigate: one to 31, or the number of days in a month. In addition to these ratings, the scientists cleverly slipped in questions about the participants’ names and birthdays in addition to

other pieces of demographic data.

The results were interesting, but not unexpected. The first experiment revealed the name-letter effect: the scientists consistently found that participants had a greater preference for letters that also appeared in their own names. This was attributed to a sense of identity and self-esteem tied to the name one is given at birth. Additionally, they also found that male respondents had a very strong preference for the first letters of their family name. This was likely a result of Japanese culture, where last names are inherited patrilineally from the

ferred the date of their own birth out of any number in the series.

In addition, they found that this effect was stronger for numbers greater than 12. Scientists believe that this is because the likelihood of a two-digit number appearing in daily life is much less common than that of a one-digit number, so there is an especially strong reaction when they do appear. These larger numbers are also less likely to hold a “special meaning,” except when connected to one’s birthday.

For instance, three is commonly called the “magic number,” but the number 22 does not really mean

anything. Finally, a demographic study revealed that this effect was more pronounced in women than men, who showed a lower relativeliking score.

These results matched up with the researchers’ prior hypothesis that preference was based on some form of connection to oneself. These results also helped answer the researchers’ prior question about the self-esteem of the Japanese population: yes, Japanese people do feel self-esteem just like everyone else. However, they tend to hide away these feelings, which is likely the result of cultural upbringing. Overall, people tended to have positive feelings toward numbers or letters they associate with themselves, largely because most people like themselves.

In subsequent studies, scientists confirmed the same birthdaynumber effect on multiple occasions, including the 1997 study that asked US undergraduate students about their preference for certain numbers. This proved that cultural differences did not have an effect on the results of the experiments.

Later studies also investigated the connection between the birthdaynumber effect and the letter-name effect as well as how automatic the preference process was.

The most interesting and applicable study on the topic was conducted by Coulter and Grewal, who investigated the effects of these preferences on consumerism. They demonstrated a positive relationship between the birthdaynumber and letter-name effect with a customer’s willingness to purchase a product. For instance, people preferred prices that began with the same letter as their name.

Someone named Tom would prefer the price of twenty-two over other prices. In addition, people preferred price values that matched up with their birthdays. For in-

SCIENCEBEAT The National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) has crossed a cosmic milestone after confirming the existence of more than 5,000 exoplanets.

An experimental brain implant has allowed a man paralyzed by amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS) to communicate his first words in months: “I want a beer.”

Scientists have developed the world’s first male contraception pill, which was 99 percent effective in preventing pregnancies in mice with no obvious side effects. It will undergo human trials later this year. stance, someone with a birthday of 9/16 would most strongly prefer an item with a price of $39.16 or $49.16. This might seem like an odd quirk of the effects at first, but large retail companies, especially online ones like Amazon can leverage these effects to increase a customer’s purchase intentions.

This can easily be done using modern technology and information collected from the client. By tailoring the shopping experience using their demographic information, a company might be able to induce a customer to purchase more.

While more research is still needed regarding this retail strategy, and while scientists continue to discover more applications of this knowledge, the birthday-number and letter-name effect might simply remain an inconspicuous part of everyday life for everybody.

AI and Aspirin

By OLIVIA ZHENG Nearly a quarter of Americans use three or more medications simultaneously. Because the risk of adverse reactions to drug combinations increases as a patient takes more medications, it is widely known that mixing medications can be unsafe. However, with 40 percent of American adults suffering from two or more chronic conditions, cutting back on medications is not so easy.

Drug interactions can occur through two broad mechanisms: synergistic reactions, where the effects of a drug are exacerbated, or antagonistic reactions, where the effects of a drug are minimized.

Pharmacodynamic reactions are reactions caused by the effects of drugs on the body, while pharmacokinetic reactions occur through the body’s uptake of drugs.

Mixing aspirin and ibuprofen, two common household drugs, actually diminishes, rather than amplifies, the blood-thinning abilities of aspirin. This is because aspirin and ibuprofen compete for the binding sites on the cyclooxygenase (COX) enzyme. Binding COX catalyzes hormones that help modulate inflammatory responses. However, while aspirin irreversibly inhibits COX, ibuprofen does not. This means that the competitive inhibition between aspirin and ibuprofen prevents the full effects of aspirin from occurring.

More dangerous, however, is the way that non-steroidal antiinflammatory drugs (NSAIDs), including aspirin and ibuprofen, can interact with selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI) antidepressants. SSRIs are the most common category of anti-

depressants and can cause an increased risk of internal bleeding when taken with NSAIDs. Combining some medications used to lower blood pressure, such as ACE inhibitors and spironolactone, also produces a synergistic effect. ACE inhibitors and spironolactone can react to cause hyperkalemia, or high potassium levels in the blood.

This is because ACE inhibitors dilate the urinary tract blood vessels, thus decreasing the level of urine filtration, causing more potassium to remain in the blood.

Spironolactone prevents sodium reabsorption from happening and thus increases potassium levels.

The interactions between these hypertension medications are especially important with nearly half of American adults suffering from hypertension.

The nation’s chronic disease

epidemic and subsequent overmedication are problems that require longer-term solutions. In the present, artificial intelligence may be used to mitigate adverse drug combination reactions. Computer programs that detect these drug interactions function in a number of ways. Some programs gather all of the data on the diseases that affect a particular organ in order to find what drugs could interact to affect that organ. Penn State researchers, for example, developed an algorithm using this model in 2019. Other algorithms rely on analyses of the target proteins of drugs. While some programs aim to work with data about existing drugs, others are created to aid the development of new pharmaceuticals.

For programs that directly work with doctors and patients, well-designed alert systems are

crucial. Some researchers have even used autoencoder models that mimic how the human brain processes information. For these alert systems, researchers have developed ways to limit alerts to severe adverse reactions only. This can help mitigate alert fatigue, which could result in notifications about serious side effects going unaddressed.

Detecting new dangerous drug interactions will become more necessary as our dependence on medication continues to grow. The early stages of the COVID-19 pandemic saw a 21 percent increase in depression, anxiety, and insomnia medication prescriptions, for example.

With dozens of new drugs being approved by the FDA each year, these algorithms could help speed up drug testing and increase the efficacy of drugs.

That’s So Cute!

By SOPHIA WAN-BRODSKY I have a confession to make: I’m a stalker. I have watched Xiao Qi Ji, the Smithsonian National Zoo’s panda cub, via live cam nearly every day since his birth on August 21, 2020.

I watched as he took his first steps, grinned as he tumbled down grassy hills, and laughed as he bounced back unscathed after

falling out of trees. His adorable antics and growth helped me get through quarantine. I then saw him in person over midwinter break, and he was 110 pounds of energy and fluff. It’s undeniable: Xiao Qi Ji is adorable. But, on a scientific level, what determines “cuteness?” And why can cute things elicit such a strong reaction from us?

The concept of cuteness can be explained by the “baby

schema” theory developed by ethologist and zoologist Konrad Lorenz in 1943. The “baby schema” is a set of infantile physical features such as large eyes, chubby cheeks, and round bodies, that we perceive as cute.

Lorenz theorized that we are evolutionarily programmed to find these features adorable in order to activate our caretaking instincts, thus increasing the chances of offspring survival.

Simply put, features common in infants prompt adults to feel attached to babies, causing them to take better care of them.

This is especially beneficial to humans because our offspring require more care than most animal species.

In a study conducted by a group of scientists from the University of Muenster and the University of Pennsylvania, participants were shown images

of human baby faces that were manipulated to have either high or low baby schema features.

The subjects were divided into two groups, one of which was given the “Cuteness Task” while the other was given the “Caretaking Task.” The former was asked to report how cute each continued on page 17

The Spectator ● April 1, 2022

Page 17

Science Nature’s Own Water Flower Prank

By SUBAAH SYED For April Fools’ Day, many people carefully plan their pranks and plots while others anticipate the surprises they'll get from their friends. With cream pies, an electric hand buzzer, the whoopee cushion, the list of classic harmless pranks goes on and on. One famous prank is the water-squirting flower, a popular accessory found on clown suits and portrayed in many TV shows.

It’s composed of an innocentlooking plastic flower that is actually attached to a waterfilled pump. When squeezing this pump, water goes through the pipe and out of a hole on the fake flower, and the high

pressure from the squeeze sends the water flying at quite a distance.

There are many ways in which we imitate characteristics from nature, such as when designing innovative architecture and technology. In other cases, however, we find that nature coincidentally takes after elements from our lives.

As a matter of fact, nature has its own water-squirting flower which grows on the Spathodea, also known as the African tulip tree. It is known for its bright crimson and flaring petals, even earning the nickname, “flame of the forest.” Though the flowering plant is native to the tropical dry forests of Africa, it is also considered an

invasive species in many countries, mostly tropical islands in the Pacific, Indian and Caribbean, and also in Singapore, Papua New Guinea, and Australia. As an invasive species, it has overpopulated the new environments it was introduced in, harming the native plants in the process.

Its invasive nature is greatly due to its versatile and durable qualities. The African tulip tree grows extremely fast and does not require light in order to shoot up from the ground. This consequently allows it to cover up a lot of space on the ground and block the sunlight for other plants which are not shadetolerant like the flowers of the African tulip tree. Additionally,

the claw-like buds clustered in the middle of these flowers hold seeds that can spread for miles with the help of the wind when the flower blossoms. The species has been shown to be able to grow rapidly, especially in the low-elevation forests of East Maui, Hawaii.

To shoot water like the flower-toy, the African tulip tree’s buds expand as they become pressurized by the watery nectar that they store. When squeezing the buds of the flower, water shoots out, similar to the pump squeezed in the plastic flowers. For the African tulip tree’s flowers specifically, you would have to squeeze at the pointy end of the bud toward the receptacle of the

flower, which is where the organs of the flower are located.

This trick is often used by children raised in the tropical regions where African tulip trees are most commonly found.

Nature’s rendition of the practical April Fools’ prank further emphasizes the link between nature’s mechanisms and human-made inventions. The African tulip tree’s surprise illustrates the irony behind how much nature and humans can tend to share the same mind.

The squirting feature of the African tulip tree sprouts many opportunities for new pranks and adds a greener, or rather bright crimson, touch to this entertaining day.

The Early History of Computer Software Many are familiar with the origins of software companies like Facebook, Google, and Microsoft. However, the origin of software and its road to gaining significance when working with general-purpose hardware often goes undiscussed. Looking into early computers and software development, it's not only interesting to learn about the pioneers in the field, but it also helps with understanding how software and computers work.

Strangely enough, the first programs ever written were for a computer that hadn’t actually been built but only conceptualized by Charles Babbage, a 19th century inventor. The computer was called the Analytical Engine and was initially a successor to Babbage’s Difference Engine. The Difference Engine, funded by the British government, was designed to automate the process of creating logarithm tables used in navigation. The Analytical Engine was superior to the Difference Engine as it was more generalpurpose, could switch tasks on its own accord, and could be programmed by specifying instructions for the computer to

follow on punch cards.

Augusta Ada King, Countess of Lovelace, more commonly known as Ada Lovelace, was a mathematician who wrote the first published program for this computer which would have had the ability to calculate a sequence of Bernoulli numbers. She wrote this program in her notes for a translation of a French article regarding this computer. Ironically, these notes became more famous than the article itself, and Ada became the world’s first computer programmer.

However, Lovelace and Babbage, who were working in the early to mid-19th century, were ahead of their time. They needed more funding and technical advancements before any of their ideas could be implemented. At this point, the seeds of the digital revolution were planted. After this point, major advances in hardware were made before development in software could kick off.

While many attempts were made at making an initial computer, the Electronic Numerical Integrator and Computer (ENIAC) emerged as the first iteration of a computer, as it was all-electronic, fast, and pro-

grammable. While the hardware was in its infancy, it was primarily men who were working on

importance of the software which the hardware was running. These women were Kay

computers. Programming was seen as less important, and thus was assigned to women.

Six women were put in charge of programming the ENIAC, and unlike many working on hardware at the time, they were able to recognize the

McNulty, Betty Jean Jennings, Betty Snyder, Marlyn Wescoff, Fran Bilas, and Ruth Lichterman. Together they solved issues with their programs and worked on implementing more features with the ENIAC. Initially, when comput-

Reya Miller / The Spectator

By ISHAANA MISRA

ers were programmed, they had to be re-programmed every time someone wanted the computer to do something new. This problem was solved by stored-program computers.

As the name implies, with this type of computer, programs were stored in memory and whenever the computer needed to complete an instruction, it could go to the memory address storing that instruction.

These instructions stored in memory are what we now call “computer programs.” The ENIAC was able to run programs stored in its memory by way of function tables by April of 1948.

As time progressed, engineers started to see the value of more general-purpose hardware because it was significantly easier to manufacture, which led to software gaining significance. Computers went from machines with limited scopes for calculations to general-purpose computers which could do an infinite number of things.

It’s crazy to think that the complex software which is used in our personal computers, social networks, and streaming services had such humble origins.

That’s So Cute! continued from page 16

baby in the photo was on a fivepoint scale while the latter was asked how much they wanted to take care of each baby, also on a five-point scale. The results were clear: the higher the baby schema, the cuter people perceived the faces to be, and the stronger the caregiving response felt.

The baby schema isn’t only linked to human infants. Pandas, for example, have big eyes that are accentuated by their black eye patches. Because this aligns with the large eye size of babies, pandas are perceived as cute. Other physical features of human babies, such as the large head-tobody ratio, are seen in the young of many other animal species.

Behavioral qualities can also make animals seem baby-like.

Traits we observe in other animals, such as playfulness, clumsi-

ness, vulnerability, and curiosity can remind us of babies, making us feel more attached to them.

For example, when Xiao Qi Ji runs up to his mother, steals her apple, and scampers off to eat it, he embodies the playful mischief of a toddler, making him even more lovable.

Comp l e x b r a i n activity is stimulated by i n ter a cti n g with baby schemata.

Stephan Hamann, a psychology professor at Emory University, used functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), which is able to measure tiny changes

in brain activity, while study participants were shown cute pictures of baby animals such as seal pups or kittens. When participants saw something cute, the middle of their orbitofrontal cortices was activated. This part o f the brain is linked to the feeling of reward a n d pleasure.

T h e study Annie Lam / The Spectator a l s o found that the way that women and men respond to baby schema, at least on the physical level, is the same.

Cute images can also prompt the release of dopamine and oxytocin, creating a burst of happiness. Dopamine is linked to strong positive emotions

and oxytocin is linked to lowered stress levels. A study by the University of Leeds found that watching cute animals can actually reduce stress and anxiety.

19 people, 15 of whom were students due to take an exam after the end of the study, were shown a 30-minute slideshow of cute animals. Researchers found that the average heart rate of the participants dropped from 72.2 beats per minute to 67.4 beats per minute, the average systolic blood pressure dropped 14.9 percent, and diastolic blood pressure dropped 18.28 percent.

Using the State-Trait Anxiety Inventory, researchers also found a 35 percent decrease in anxiety.

While certainly not a “cure” for anxiety and other mental health conditions, exposure to cute things can, at least in the short term, boost your mood and help you feel less stressed.

It’s clear: baby animals like

Xiao Qi Ji are cute because their appearance and behavior align with what human babies display, and our brains have evolved to interpret this baby schema as pleasing in order to activate our caregiving response. We can’t underestimate the power of cuteness. It’s constantly being harnessed in the advertising industry, such as with the duckling on Dawn dish soap. In Xiao Qi Ji’s case, cuteness can save a species from the brink of extinction. In 2016, pandas were bumped off the endangered species list, and are now classified as vulnerable instead. Their adorable appearance helped generate funding for conservation efforts, as well as public pressure to protect China’s bamboo forests. Our biological response to cute things can truly have a profound impact on our behavior besides simply making us smile.

Page 18

The Spectator ● April 1, 2022

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The Spectator ● April 1, 2022

Page 19

Arts and Entertainment Television

By PHOEBE

BUCKWALTER For the next generation of medical professionals, medical dramas are likely the first place they learn about careers in the field, gain an understanding of hospital dynamics, and explore the lifestyle associated with such demanding occupations. From “Grey’s Anatomy” (2005-present) to “ER” (1994-2009), medical TV shows have thrived in the entertainment industry in recent decades, and their extreme popularity shapes the way that the public views health professionals and promotes a unique set of misconceptions about patient care and careers in medicine.

Despite the myriad of medical TV shows out there, it is challenging to find one that doesn’t convey misleading information about the healthcare system. Shows like “The Resident” (2018-present) and “Grey’s Anatomy” portray

Television

By ROXY PERAZZO A new series by director Andrew Rossi, “The Andy Warhol Diaries” dives deep into the life and art of Andy Warhol, as well as the intersection of the two. In six episodes, the documentary explores Warhol’s upbringing, rise as an artist, and relationships.

The series simultaneously delves into the zeitgeist of the era and into Warhol’s internal spirit, focusing heavily on issues of self image and insecurity as a central factor in his expression and character. Along with firsthand accounts from friends, Warhol’s own recollections present a fresh, authentic recount of the life of an American icon.

The documentary begins with Warhol’s early life as the son of immigrants in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, and details the influence of his upbringing on his art. A largely industrial urban center, Pittsburgh itself did not have heavy influence on his work; rather, the church Warhol attended growing up did. The Catholic iconography shown in the church—rich colors, contrast, and two-dimensional figures—is reflected in much of Warhol’s print work. Series of prints of stars like Marilyn Monroe and Elizabeth Taylor in vivid color make them, in a way, icons of the pseudo-religion that is American pop culture.

Despite the influence the church and his upbringing had on Warhol’s art, being a gay man in a time when most people were intolerant of homosexuality led to ostracization and internal conflict, drawing him to a place that seemed to offer an escape from it all: New York City. After moving in 1949, Warhol was hired as a commercial illustrator before taking his place in the avantgarde art scene of Manhattan in the early ‘60s. In his studio, The Factory, Warhol created films that featured his “superstars” and explored controversial topics like homosexuality in explicit ways. In the Netflix show, clips from his films paired with commentary and reactions show just how shocking, experimental, and

Misleading Medical Dramas interns and residents possessing unrealistic amounts of power and performing complicated operations, sometimes with no oversight. Programs like “The Night Shift” (2014-2017) and “House” (2004-2012) depict medically accurate procedures, but focus on zebra conditions that are extremely rare and challenging to diagnose. Across the board, doctors are often seen quickly making challenging diagnoses based on “instincts,” acting illegally to change the outcomes for their patients, and going over the heads of their superiors. This promotes the belief that hospitals are corrupt, don’t use empirically-based models to determine treatment, and can be more dangerous than avoiding treatment altogether.

The best example of this is “Grey’s Anatomy,” one of the most-streamed TV shows in the world (with 39 billion minutes streamed on Netflix in 2020 alone), second only to “The Of-

fice” (2005-2013). The show follows Dr. Meredith Grey (Ellen Pompeo), a surgical intern, as she struggles to balance her personal and professional life while following in the footsteps of her mother (Kate Burton), a world-renowned surgeon.

One of the greatest flaws with “Grey’s Anatomy” is that it features a once-in-a-lifetime case every episode. Even though the cases and treatment are generally medically accurate, the reality is that, even at a prestigious city hospital like Seattle Grace, the majority of cases are standard. The saturation of extremely rare cases in doctors’ practices furthers the misconception that medical professionals are constantly dealing with unprecedented cases. This paints an unrealistic picture of a physician’s day-to-day life, and these storylines are particularly dangerous for hypochondriacs, because doctors in these shows often diagnose life-threatening

illnesses based on overlooked everyday symptoms; for example, a headache and moodiness become an inoperable brain tumor after a second opinion. Viewers may dramatize their own symptoms, selfdiagnosing based on misinformation, and become distrusting of doctors who disagree with their conclusions.

Similarly, the portrayal of trauma patients on medical dramas can lead to unrealistic patient and family expectations about recovery. On television, trauma patients are rushed into the OR, with most patients surviving surgery and making a swift recovery.

They are then released from the hospital shortly after their operations. At actual trauma centers, trauma patients often face multiple operations at different stages of recovery, as well as prolonged hospitalization and disabilities continued on page 20

The Life and Times of an American Icon revolutionary they were at the discussion of Johnson’s discontime. Interviews with Warhol’s tent with Warhol’s lifestyle gives contemporaries and disciples this analysis of their relationship further cement his work as a sta- an extremely personal edge, but ple within the art world. also ties it into the analysis of After Warhol became an icon Warhol as a public figure. While within the art scene, mainstream spending so much time on this America soon became obsessed relationship seems intrusive at with him too, out of both shock first, understanding the intimate and admiration. Interviews, mag- aspects of Warhol and Johnazine covers, and photos with son’s relationship proves critical celebrities are a constant within to comprehending Warhol’s art the series, and the documen- and life. The documentary excels tary does well when expressing in connecting personal events to Warhol’s rise to fame as well as Warhol’s public life and in showthe extent of his art’s ing the influence of Warhol’s Ying Chen / The Spectator reach. While the celebrity lifestyle inner workings on his ability of an art scene to maintain can often a happy relabe restricted tionship. solely for the Through enjoyment of the cinemaart buffs, the tography, the wide range of dichotomous Warhol’s work lifestyles of gives both his Warhol are art and legacy perfectly a unique, fascicontrasted. nating place in De pictions American culof his private ture. While his life feature early work aplong shots of pealed mainly peaceful imto a niche auages of peodience, popuple accomlar obsession panied by with Warhol piano music. made him an Meanwhile, American icon the celebrity of equal status lifestyle feato the stars he tures flashing admired through images and clips his art. of photoshoots and Studio 54 While much of the series nightlife, accompanied by fastfocuses on Warhol’s art and ce- paced pop music. The distinctive lebrity status, it also details his depictions of the two lives of relationships with himself and Andy Warhol allow the docuothers. Despite the graphic de- mentary to show viewers the pictions of sexuality in his art, root of his personal conflict in Warhol himself often hid his a way that both challenges and own relationships and sexuality, reinforces the love for the spirit the result of a cultural stigma of the era. Outside of the focus surrounding homosexuality. The on Warhol’s romantic life, the sedocumentary does extremely ries makes good use of the abunwell in expressing the complex- dance of information within the ity of Warhol’s relationships diaries, tying everything together with people like Jed Johnson, to present a cohesive narrative. a longtime partner of Warhol.

With a combination of inAccounts of their relationship terviews and diary entries, each express the heavily private at- episode is able to portray the full titude of Warhol along with the story of a particular era within conflict that led to its end. The Warhol’s life on an intricate and

incredibly personal level. Other icons of the era, like filmmaker John Waters and model Jerry Hall, and Warhol’s close friends provide honest, lively accounts of Warhol and of the era, without shying away from its ugly aspects. In addition to outside accounts, the series is narrated through excerpts from Warhol’s personal diary, which shows his complicated relationship with himself and his image. Insecure of his nose and constantly hiding under a wig, Warhol’s self esteem had a huge influence on his work, which the series depicts beautifully. Excerpts from the diaries, like “I’m just a freak. I wasn’t very close to anyone. Although, I guess I wanted to be,” are placed throughout the series, showing Warhol’s insecurity and feeling of being an outsider despite fame and widespread admiration.

Despite the compelling and emotional nature of the diary entries, some of the focus is shifted away from the content by the use of AI to recreate Warhol’s voice as the narrator. While the voice sounds like Warhol, once its unnatural cadence becomes clear, it’s hard to ignore; it sounds like a robot. In light of recent controversy over the ethics of the use of Anthony Bourdain’s voice in a similar context, the choice is risky, but despite the immediate distraction of the voice, the monotone and almost planned sound of Warhol’s actual speech patterns makes it, in a strange way, work well for his personality.

Through the narration, the documentary becomes even more upclose and personal in an inventive and unique way.

While Andy Warhol’s influence is ever-present in art and pop culture, “The Andy Warhol Diaries” showcases his work in a new context. The series delves into the extremely personal aspects of Warhol’s life and brings them to the forefront of the discussion of his art and public life. Photography, interviews, and personal accounts all combine to form an original examination of his life and legacy, one that continues to be the subject of popular fascination and obsession.

Playlist The Greatest Songs of All Time, Ever

By THE ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT DEPARTMENT While we typically avoid superlative language, it’s not hard to see that this is the greatest Arts and Entertainment curated playlist to date. The sheer emotional force delivered by each second of these tracks will make you laugh, cry, tap-dance, and maybe even pee a little. They demonstrate unparalleled mastery of human expression through the medium of sound. Behold: the most distinguished, most life-changing, most brilliant playlist yet.

Two Trucks Lemon Demon Synthpop Barbie Girl Aqua Eurobeat I Love You Lil B Hip-hop Dragonball Durag Thundercat Neo-soul Sneaky Devil The Garden Breakbeat A Boy Named Sue Johnny Cash Country Cheeseburger Family Jack Stauber Indie pop Maxwell’s Silver Hammer The Beatles Classic rock Losing My Edge LCD Soundsystem Dance pop IG Captions BabyTron Detroit trap Piss Up a Rope Ween Country

Page 20

The Spectator ● April 1, 2022

Arts and Entertainment March Movie Marathon

Film

By THE ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT DEPARTMENT

“C’mon C’mon” (2021) Black-and-White A quaint, character-centric indie film from A24 and Mike Mills (of “20th Century Women” fame), “C’mon C’mon” follows Johnny, a radio journalist who, after getting a sudden phone call from his estranged sister, is put in charge of taking care of his nephew and her son, Jesse. Nearly everything about “C’mon C’mon” is flawless. The characters feel like genuine people who you can truly sympathize with , furthered by Joaquin Phoenix, Gaby Hoffman, and Woody Norman’s stellar performances. The emotional beats hit throughout the movie, even if the conflicts aren’t completely high-stakes. The incredible score, combined with the good character writing and outstanding performances by the main cast, crafts an emotionally-charged story that watchers can truly resonate with. Additionally, the cinematography is beautiful, even with its black-and-white aesthetic. The shot composition is unique and extraordinary, each shot popping with detail. A truly underrated film, “C’mon C’mon” is a must-watch. —Luca Adeishvili

“Vivarium” (2019) Horror While looking to settle down, young couple Gemma (Imogen Poots) and Tom (Jesse Eisenberg) take an opportunity to tour a seemingly ideal development built by a strange company. After they are shown around one of the homes for sale, the couple decides to tour the neighborhood, and the two eventually find themselves stuck in a maze of identical houses and streets. Directed by Lorcan Finnegan, “Vivarium” takes the feeling of being trapped to the next level as Gemma and Tom slowly break down. The seemingly infinite neighborhood is made to feel claustrophobic, and the fear and frustration that the couple feel as they deal with being alone in the development, as they try to raise an odd child, is portrayed through the screen, creating a suspenseful horror film and an uncomfortable feeling that ruminates once it’s done. —Roxy Perazzo

“Shawshank Redemption” (1994) Drama Frank Darabont’s “Shawshank Redemption,” an adaptation of Stephen King’s novel of the same title, is centered around a prison devoted to inmates serving lengthy sentences. Upon arriving at the prison, Andy Dufresne (Tim Robbins) meets Ellis “Red” Redding (Morgan Freeman), and the two immediately become friends. Two years into his sentence, Andy puts his banking knowledge to use by helping Warden Norton (Bob Gunton) manage the financial affairs of the prison. Darabont’s slower pacing invokes the audience with the illusion that no time has passed, though almost 19 years have passed by the film’s end. After a dramatic two hours, the film ends with a riveting prison escape, followed by an endearing yet slightly wistful denouement. Darabont’s depiction of Red and Andy’s experiences subtly explores many of the issues with the prison system, ranging from criminal injustice to sexual assault. Freeman and Robbins deliver remarkable performances, contributing to the film’s overall success as a dramatic yet captivating story. —Kaeden Ruparel

“Train to Busan” (2016) Horror Over the years, filmmakers in Hollywood have milked the ever-popular zombie trope dry, whittling down the once-compelling genre into pathetically digestible archetypes with mediocre performances and horrendous CGI. Such lackluster movies make Yeon Sang-ho’s “Train to Busan” a prominent distinction. The audience, crammed between rickety toilets, cushioned seats, and mechanized doors, follows our protagonists on a zombie-infested journey to the quarantine zone in the Korean city of Busan. Yeon proves to be a master of juxtaposition throughout the film’s progression; while the tension created is painstakingly claustrophobic, the scenes advance steadily and maintain their formulated momentum, faithfully chugging towards the end. Though the suspense is intense, it is never suffocating enough to kill: the audience gets the chance to take a breath through the humane elements and elaborate themes that are masterfully dissected within the cuts. “Train to Busan” is an elaborate allegory that explores Yeon’s ever-cynical view of humanity, where cutthroat competition and survival instinct reign supreme. Despite the repetitive trope, it is a must-watch that taps into a darker meaning of the undead. The social commentary remains, like all good messages do, as an unsettling mass in the pit of your gut. —Madison Kim “21 Jump Street” (2012) Comedy Based on the hit ‘80s television show by the same name, this reboot will keep you laughing with its light-hearted and satirical, yet almost absurdly childish, humor. It mocks stereotypical depictions of high school, following Morton Schmidt (Jonah Hill) and Greg Jenko (Channing Tatum), who grow a friendship as they attend police academy together and become partners in crime as officers. They are assigned to be a part of the secret Jump Street unit, where they go undercover and head back to high school to shut down a dangerous drug ring. We witness them navigate their relationships with other students and with each other as they attempt to accomplish their mission and keep themselves hidden in plain sight. The plot is propelled by the fact that neither of them are good at their job and that somehow they always seem to find a new way to humiliate themselves.

However, the undeniable chemistry between the two protagonists is the true highlight of the film. Schmidt and Jenko just click. Their constant bickering and kiddish behavior mixed with Hill and Tatum’s comfortable dynamic sets the stage for an oddly tender film that leaves viewers giggling with nostalgia and amusement. —Raisa Noha La La Land (2016) Musical What movie marathon is complete without a musical romance included in the lineup? “La La Land” is the epitome of what musicals adapted for the big screen should entail: bright colors, heartfelt music, and a dimensional plot. The film starts off with a vibrant opening number that juxtaposes the beauty of sunny Los Angeles with the traffic that is causing this scene to happen in the first place. Viewers follow jazz pianist Sebastian “Seb” Wilder (Ryan Gosling) and actress Amelia “Mia” Dolan (Emma Stone) as they both struggle to find work within their respective industries. A blossoming relationship ensues as the two grow closer, only to be driven further apart by the conflicting ambitions that brought them together in the first place.

“La La Land”’s music, composed by Justin Hurwitz, is not only catchy, but also captures the mood of the respective scenes perfectly. Gosling and Stone are also the perfect on-screen couple, which makes this film that much more enjoyable. Overall, “La La Land” is a fun movie with a twist that makes it even more qualified for a movie marathon. —Lianne Ohayon

that lead to transfers to long-term inpatient facilities.

A 2018 study using data from 269 episodes of “Grey’s Anatomy” found that mortality after injury is higher on TV shows in comparison to reality (22 percent versus seven percent, respectively). However, trauma survivors on television were found to be discharged to locations other than home, such as an inpatient facility, only six percent of the time, while, in reality, patients are sent to such locations 22 percent of the time.

This suggests that viewers could expect better long-term outcomes for trauma patients than what is realistic. When trauma occurs, family members don’t have time to research projected outcomes for the patient, causing many to rely on the media, ​​and their faulty statistics, for information regarding recovery, creating optimism and expectations that simply do not pertain to reality.

In addition to the unrep-

“Sorry to Bother You” (2018) Satire Set in an alternate reality of Oakland, California, “Sorry to Bother You” is an absurd and unique satire of modern capitalism. Cassius Greene (LaKieth Stanfield) takes a job as a telemarketer, in which he uses a unique talent to climb the ranks until he meets Steve Lift (Armie Hammer), a wealthy CEO who offers Cassius an exorbitant salary at a detrimental cost. The aesthetics of “Sorry to Bother You” are almost comic book-like, featuring harsh color palettes and direct imagery and messages, but is grounded by Stanfield’s incredible and surprisingly subtle acting, joined by Tessa Thompson and Steven Yeun. The film is sharply comical, offering glaring social commentaries and an engaging and twisting plot that keeps viewers on their toes. The chaotic energy, jarring messages, and facetious nature of the film may initially turn off some viewers, but for those willing to witness a wild and unsettling film that nearly goes off the rails, “Sorry to Bother You” offers it all while still delivering potent themes concerning the disproportionate effects of capitalism and the unjust systems of society. —Lucien Clough

Misleading Medical Dramas

Television continued from page 19

Julia Shen / The Spectator

resentative portrayal of illnesses, medical malpractice in media is depicted casually, as doctors are barely punished for actions that would in the real world get them fired or landed in prison. The most infamous example of this is when Dr. Izzie Stevens (Katherine Heigl) cuts her fiance’s (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) LVAD wires to move him up on the heart transplant recipient list, causing her to lose privileges only temporarily.

Violating the Hippocratic Oath, which details bioethical standards, is not taken lightly in the medical field. Medical dramas consistently show doctors crossing ethical lines and refusing to act professionally when faced with tragic cases. For those distrustful of doctors, these portrayals validate a fear that is otherwise irrational.

Accurate depictions of careers in medicine in popular culture are especially important today, as the COVID-19 pandemic has inspired a renewed sense of appreciation for workers in the healthcare field. In fact, applications for 2021 admissions to U.S.

medical schools increased by 17 percent compared to the previous year. As a new generation considers going into medicine, medical dramas have proven to greatly influence these decisions. A 2018 study at Federation University Australia investigated the role that fictional medical programs play in the motivation to enter a career in nursing. The study found that 28.3 percent of participants listed fictional medical programs on television as their motivation for wanting to become a nurse; this reason was ranked above job security or even wanting a better income. Medical dramas play a considerable role not only in the decisions of patients, but in the decisions of aspiring health care workers as well.

As an alternative to unrealistic medical dramas, Netflix has many medical documentaries that depict the daily life of physicians, surgeons, and nurses in an accurate light. The “Lenox Hill” (2020-present) docuseries centers around two neurosurgeons, an ER doctor, and an OB-GYN at New

York City’s Lenox Hill Hospital, navigating patient care and their personal lives. Another noteworthy docuseries, “The Surgeon’s Cut” (2020-present), highlights the careers of four world-class surgeons: a fetal medicine specialist, a neurosurgeon, a transplant surgeon, and a cardiac surgeon.

This moving docuseries covers each surgeon’s unique journey to medicine, the groundbreaking techniques that they have established to revolutionize their specialties, and the reasons why they still love their jobs decades into their careers.

Despite the many issues with medical-themed media, these issues are corrigible. Because popular medical dramas disproportionately highlight rare cases and misrepresent their symptoms, these shows need to explain that in such cases, diagnoses are not just made based on everyday symptoms, but also on a plethora of diagnostic tests. Showing the doctors’ decision-making process in more detail instead of justifying drastic measures like exploratory

surgery with gut instincts would dissuade viewers from self-diagnosing and help them recognize the necessity of professional consultation. Using accurate statistics for survival and recovery projections would make viewers’ perceptions of the healing process more accurate, curbing unrealistic expectations for both the patients and those dreaming of saving lives.

The consequences of inaccuracies on medical dramas extend beyond patients to aspiring doctors, as they exaggerate the excitement and power that come with careers in medicine. There is a consistent dismissal of the potential ramifications of malpractice, downplaying the stress of careers in medicine. A viewer’s road to medicine may begin with an episode of “ER,” but one can only hope that when they’re standing before patients in an actual emergency room, they will feel the same rush of adrenaline and overwhelming compassion that they felt while watching the TV shows that inspired them to dream.

The Spectator ● April 1, 2022

Page 21

Arts and Entertainment Makeup 101: The Basics

Fashion

By LIANNE OHAYON Makeup has revolutionized our society. From vibrant, bold looks to smokey, sultry applications, makeup plays an integral role in everyday life. We use makeup to express ourselves and empower others; in essence, it is a direct reflection of who we are on the inside. Though there are many who have been doing makeup for years, this article is catered to those who are trying to dip their toes into the beauty industry and are looking for a little guidance on where to start.

Expensive Does Not Mean Better Before you embark on any makeup endeavors, you will need to buy new products to avoid using expired powder or creams.

Any testers received years ago should be discarded. Understandably, people will feel inclined to shop at Sephora, Ulta, or Mac, the big three in today’s makeup playing field. Don’t jump right into these stores as a beginner in makeup, because you are just testing the waters. At Sephora, most of the brands featured are fairly expensive (Pat McGrath, Yves Saint Laurent, Charlotte Tilbury, etc.). You might be spending too much money on a product that you are using purely for experimentation. Instead, consider drugstore makeup. Many brands like e.l.f. Cosmetics, NYX, and Maybelline have great quality products for a fraction of the price, which is ideal for people who are just starting out. Once you become more comfortable with using makeup products, feel free to splurge on a Fenty Beauty highlighter or Chanel lipstick.

Film

By LUCIEN CLOUGH Matt Reeves’s latest film adaptation of the beloved DC vigilante, titled “The Batman,” has it all: a compelling main character, a commanding plot, and an impressive slew of well-developed supporting characters. The film, which had been in development for the past few years, has captured the attention of cinephiles and Batman lovers alike, with the expectation that this adaptation would live up to Christopher Nolan’s highly praised “Dark Knight” trilogy (2008).

Inspired by the classic crimethrillers of the ‘70s, “The Batman” builds a strong narrative that follows its titular character, played by the talented Robert Pattinson, as he investigates a series of grisly murders in Gotham. The murders are set in motion by the Riddler (Paul Dano), who leaves behind messages in the form of, you guessed it, riddles, addressed “To The Batman.” As Batman attempts to solve these murders, he unwittingly exposes a vicious history of corruption in Gotham, forcing him to reflect on his family’s legacy and its implications.

The thoroughly developed plot is completely different from its predecessors as well as other superhero films of late, because it contains many moving parts and layers, thus requiring a higher level of attention from the viewer.

The movie’s intricate plot is the

“Holy Grails” In the makeup industry, the term “holy grail” is used to describe a consistently successful product. The important thing to note about holy grail makeup products is that someone else’s holy grail, featured in magazines or on your Instagram feed, might not work for you, and that’s okay.

Take advice from websites and other people to start out, but if the application doesn’t look the way you want it to look, it’s perfectly fine to experiment with other products. That being said, here are my holy grails to create the perfect day-to-day look: e.l.f. Cosmetics Wow Brow Gel ($4-5) This tinted brow gel is affordable and effective, complementing any makeup look. Wow Brow Gel is perfect for anyone who wants a natural color to their brows but isn’t exactly sure how to apply eyebrow pencils cleanly.

Just brush the spoolie through your brow hairs, and you’re all set!

NYX HD Photogenic Concealer Wand ($6) A perfect base for any beginner, this NYX concealer provides just the right amount of color, and you can provide more or less coverage by simply adjusting the amount of product you apply.

Since it’s on the lower end of the price spectrum, try this product as a gateway into higher coverage concealers or foundations.

Urban Decay Naked Eyeshadow Palette ($29-54) Though on the pricier side, a Naked palette is a staple in any

aspiring makeup wearer’s collection. There are many color schemes across the different palettes (taupe, red, gold), and each group of eyeshadows contains matte shades and shimmers, so you can create different looks depending on the occasion. Each palette also comes with a makeup brush that’s great for beginners, as it has one fluffy side for overall blending of the shadows, and a compact end for applying glitter.

Rare Beauty by Selena Gomez Soft Pinch Liquid Blush ($20) When Selena Gomez unveiled Rare Beauty, some believed it was simply a quick cash grab like other celebrity makeup lines. But as more people tested her products, they quickly realized that her makeup was worthwhile. The Soft Pinch Liquid Blush is incredibly pigmented, so you’ll only need to use one dot per cheek when applying. Depending on your face shape, aim to locate the blush just under the cheekbone for that rosy, youthful effect. In addition, the variety of shades such as red, pink, and purple make it possible for any customer to find the perfect blush shade.

Smashbox Superfan Mascara ($26) Mascara is a staple in any makeup look. It elongates and lifts your lashes while creating a “natural eyeliner.” Though it is not a necessity to splurge on mascara, the Smashbox Superfan Mascara is worth the dent in your

wallet. It isn’t clumpy, even with repeated coats through the lashes, and it lasts a long time, which are the big things you should look for in mascara.

Where to Learn Once you have the products you want, you have to take the plunge and start applying. It won’t be

Christina Jiang / The Spectator

amazing the first time you go for it, but makeup isn’t meant to be a one-shot process. Trial and error is part of the task. If you believe your under-eyes are too dark, or you want to cover up more, swipe on some concealer.

If you want more shimmer and shine on your eyelids, add it on top. There are no rules, so go with what feels right.

Here are some general guidelines if you are just starting out: 1. Moisturize the skin and add sunscreen (SPF) prior to applying any product. This will ensure a healthy base for your skin so that it doesn’t feel as overwhelmed by

the makeup on it.

2. Conceal any dark circles or spots you see fit and blend with your fingers (I prefer fingers over any sponge). A common area to apply concealer is under your eyes, but it depends on one’s complexion.

3. Highlighter goes on the cheekbones, bronzer goes under and around the bone structure of your face, and blush goes right in between the two.

4.

Eyeshadow comes next, along with eyeliner and mascara.

I would not recommend eyeliner for a beginner, as it is a tedious process that requires many attempts.

5. Pop a cute lip gloss on your lips, and you’re good to go for the day!

Aside from this article, the advent of social media brings a lot of resources for learning how to apply makeup.

On Tik Tok, creators like Mikayla Nogueira provide reviews of new products and tutorials on how to apply them, along with guides for every step of the makeup process. Mario Dedivanovic, the makeup artist to stars like Kim Kardashian, has filmed many videos, which can be utilized for other brands and will be beneficial to any beginner using his products. On top of this, there are tons of articles (like this one) on beginner tips and tricks.

Though it might seem scary and intimidating at first, makeup will become a natural process that’s ever-changing and free.

Have fun, relax, and enjoy the ride.

The Plot Thickens in “The Batman” reason for its lengthy three-hour runtime, and while the relentless darkness and rain can blur the movie for some, those willing to pay attention are heavily rewarded. The gritty, immersive nature of the film grounds the movie, bringing it closer to its inspirations than its peers. “The Batman” unfolds similarly to its inspirations like Roman Polanski’s “Chinatown” (1974) and William Friedkin’s “French Connection” (1971) by utilizing a troubled detective as a vehicle to expose the corruption in the government and its link to organized crime.

Echoing the main characters of these films, the Batman of this adaptation is a detective, living in moral ambiguity, placing him closer in nature to the unsettling disposition of the violent vigilante Rorschach in “Watchmen” (2008) than to his predecessors.

Fittingly, this movie’s version of Bruce, a deeply troubled and sullen person who suffers from social isolation, doesn’t become a two-dimensional and impenetrable superhero when he puts on the mask. Rather, he turns into a rageful presence that still has the same personality flaws and anxiety as his true self. The two entities are the same: the vengeful thoughts of Bruce are channeled into the brutal actions of Batman, with one acting as the mind and the other as the fist. The incredible nuance in this adaptation’s Batman is perfectly

captured by Pattinson, who manages to convey a diverse array of emotions despite wearing a mask for most of the film. His take on Bruce Wayne is intriguing, switching the charismatic playboy of previous adaptations for someone with more emotional baggage. It’s a shame that Bruce is only unmasked for a handful of scenes, limiting the understanding and connection that the audience feels for him.

Joining Batman in his plot to uncover Riddler’s conspiracy is Selina Kyle (Zoë Kravitz), who, like Bruce, has a crime-fighting alter-ego that the audience recognizes as Catwoman. The two have a flirtatious relationship teeming with chemistry that, while a little underdeveloped, promises more in the almost definite sequels to come. Another ally of Batman is Commissioner Gordon (Jeffery Wright), the only non-corrupt officer in Gotham’s entire police department. Gordon’s partnership with Batman is entertaining, but, like the relationship between Bruce and Alfred (Andy Serkis), is restricted due to the prioritization of the plot, with the film opting to leave most of their relationship implied instead of developing it fully.

Despite the likeability of the protagonists, the antagonists of the plot are the characters who really shine, with Paul Dano’s interpretation of the Riddler standing out in particular. Dano’s

Riddler is a radical terrorist, a departure from the goofy and flamboyant trickster that Jim Carrey played in Tim Burton’s adaptation. By strapping bombs to his victims and live-streaming his murders, the Riddler feels like a legitimate threat to Gotham instead of solely to Batman. His warped voice and unsettling body movements make him an unforgettable villain, one who truly challenges Batman’s morals and decisions, leaving Riddler not only at the crux of the plot but also at the crux of Batman’s character development.

Contributing to the dark ambiance of the movie is the masterfully crafted soundtrack and cinematography. Nirvana’s “Something in the Way” (1991) fits right into the film’s grimy aesthetic, acting as a theme song of sorts for Bruce Wayne, who the director revealed to be inspired by the band’s frontman Kurt Cobain. The film’s score provides the perfect amount of dark grandeur, instilling a sense of awe in the audience that’s fitting for the nuanced plot. The cinematography pairs perfectly with these other elements: the use of shadow and darkness provides tension, which is further developed through red accents scattered across the film that act as harbingers of danger and fear.

The only factor that brings viewers out of the movie is the dialogue, which often feels akin

to that of a comic book. Catwoman’s silly one-liners and the robotic lines of Commissioner Gordon feel out of place among the film’s grittiness and undermine the sobriety of the characters. Similarly, Batman’s cynical monologues make his broodiness difficult to take seriously. His repeated line “I am vengeance” feels a little too on the nose, yet the film is self-aware, almost making fun of his corny and moody nature through the slight jabs he gets from friends and foes alike.

“The Batman” provides something different and refreshing to the beloved franchise: nuance. This adaptation gets rid of silly villains, two-dimensional characters, and weak plots in favor of substance that is channeled through the many themes and ideas “The Batman” touches on. These themes are varied, encompassing the intrinsic corruption that comes with power, the burden of responsibility that legacy carries, and the blurred line between protection and abuse.

The film’s delivery of these complex ideas forces the viewer to pose their own questions, making it a great movie that stretches beyond the confines of the superhero genre that has so often restricted its predecessors. This success places it, in the eyes of many, on par with Nolan’s adaptations, with the expectation that its already-anticipated sequels are bound to cement it at the top.

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The Spectator ● April 1, 2022

Arts and Entertainment Pixar, Puberty, and Pandas

By CAROLINE PICKERING Pixar has the formula down when it comes to making a good movie. The animation studio knows how to incorporate heavy, real-world issues such as grief, growing up, and mental health into an upbeat family movie.

“Turning Red” is no exception to this rule. In fact, the film is one of the best releases from the studio in years.

The plot follows 13-year-old Meilin Lee (Rosalie Chiang), an ambitious, passionate ChineseCanadian girl who navigates the perils and successes of eighth grade. It’s obvious that the writers did their research, as Mei and her group of friends are some of the most accurate depictions of what 13-year-old girls are like in a kids movie. They’re funny, loud, and soul-crushingly cringey; they make fan art of their crushes and obsess over boy bands, unabashedly nerding out all the time.

One of the girls, Priya (Maitreyi Ramakrishnan), is seen reading “Nightfall,” a parody of Stephanie Meyer’s tween romance series “Twilight.” Their expressivity makes them endearing, multi-dimensional characters who realistically capture what it means to be eighth grade girls.

However, unlike her friends, Mei doesn’t have time to mess around. She has a close and dutiful relationship with her family, which conflicts with her social life and happiness.

This problem rears its head when Mei first experiences her family gift: the ability to turn into

Theater

By IVY HALPERN Antisemitism, intergenerational trauma, family feuds, and croissants are featured in “Prayers for the French Republic,” an offbroadway show written by Joshua Harmon and directed by David Cromer. Showing at the City Center Theater, the play centers around several generations of a Jewish family struggling with their strong French identity and the ominous danger they feel as French Jews.

The first three generations of the family are shown during and after the Holocaust. The oldest generation hid in France and awaited the return of their family, but only two members made it: their son Lucien (Ari Brand) and their grandson Pierre (Peyton Lusk). The next two generations live in 2016, a year after a Kosher grocery store shooting in Paris and in the middle of an intense national election. The modern generations consist of Pierre’s children, Marcelle (Betsy Aidem) and Patrick (Richard Topol). Patrick acts as the narrator, connecting the two periods and adding his insights in monologues addressed to the audience, with only minor involvement in the plot itself.

Meanwhile, Marcelle and her family represent the struggles of Jews in modern-day France.

The play draws parallels from the repeating stories of French antisemitism to the repeating history of Jews in danger in the

a red panda. This power, passed down from mother to daughter, is activated by any strong emotion.

While it was used in the past to defend the family from invaders, turning into a giant panda in the 21st century is both an inconvenience and a danger. The matriarchs of Mei’s family are convinced the gift is nothing but trouble, and warn her of the risks of her power. However, as she learns more about her gift, she gradually learns how to control and embrace it. This makes Mei’s mother, Ming (Sandra Oh), especially concerned, as she doesn’t want her daughter to suffer with the gift like she did herself.

It’s fairly obvious that the idea of a 13-year-old girl undergoing a magical physical transformation is supposed to be a metaphor for puberty. This is made explicitly clear when Mei first wakes up as a giant red panda. Her mother, hearing her daughter’s panic, thinks that Mei just got her first period. While this gag is repeated a few times throughout the movie, it is never used as a point of shame, subverting the typical narrative of humiliation surrounding the subject of menstruation.

More than puberty, Mei’s transformation is a metaphor for female emotional expression. The panda is linked to her emotions, and whenever she feels something strongly, especially anger, she transforms. It’s why Ming tries so hard to control Mei, so Mei won’t have to make the same mistakes she did, and so she won’t have to grow up. Yet these women all give up a part of themselves, some-

thing Mei finds she doesn’t want to do. The older women have been raised with the idea that any strong or negative emotion is bad and that the emotional side

This is a great portrayal of the societal pressure most women face to regulate their emotions, and it explores the internal pressure many women put on themselves

of themselves is monstrous and should be locked away. But Mei, part of the younger generation, knows that this isn’t right for her.

and each other to fit patriarchal standards.

Everything comes together in the third act of the film in a

Lillian Zou / The Spectator

Film

sequence that rivals (and surpasses) Bing-Bong’s death in “Inside Out” (2015). After an outburst of her own, Ming is forced to face her own struggle with her panda, which she has projected on her daughter. It captures the struggles of both mother and daughter and enables the audience to understand both sides of the story without demonizing either Mei or Ming. In true Pixar fashion, the film will leave you in tears.

The aesthetic of the film, clearly inspired by the legendary Studio Ghibli, is refreshing and new. The color palette is bright and cheerful, making the typically dingy urban setting pastel and fun. One unique feature that doesn’t often show up in Pixar films is the use of sparkly eye highlights to indicate excitement, a nod to the anime style.

Furthermore, the character design is adorable, and each member of the main cast has their own signature color that dominates their design and correlates to their personality. For example, Ming’s outfit and makeup is primarily green, a color that is used to neutralize or overpower the color red.

If you are looking for a movie that will make you laugh, cry, and shudder from your own pre-teen memories, “Turning Red” is the movie for you. With a host of diverse, endearing characters, a vibrant color palette, and a perfect balance of humor and heartbreak, this touching coming-ofage story of self-acceptance is another feather in the cap of the Pixar empire.

“Prayer for the French Republic”: A Commentary on Diasporic Judaism diaspora. Marcelle’s husband Charles (Jeff Seymour) had to abandon his childhood home in Algeria because he was Jewish.

Charles comes to question his family’s safety in France and ultimately decides that the family must move to Israel. In the first scene of the play, Daniel (Yair Ben-Dor), Marcelle and Charles’s son, enters, covered in blood after experiencing a physical antisemitic hate crime, and it is apparently not his first incident of victimhood. The family describes

questions their grandparents and great-grandparents had to ask during the Holocaust. Ari Brand, the actor who plays Lucien, lists some of these questions: “What does it mean to feel safe? What is a homeland, where is your home, and how do you know? How do you know when things have gotten bad enough that it’s time to uproot your entire life?” He further explains that “[the questions have] also been asked by communities experiencing racism, queerphobia, ableism, [and] war.”

The play centers around several generations of a Jewish family struggling with their strong French identity and the ominous danger they feel as French Jews.

itself as “traditional” and is assimilated into French culture, but Daniel takes his religiosity to the next level, publicly wearing a kippah (skullcap), which makes him a target. In response to the attack on Daniel and France’s political climate, the family is forced to ask difficult questions, the same

Brand also discussed the talent of the playwright, Josh Harmon, saying he “goes deep into the argument, challenges his audiences, and he doesn’t land on one side or the other.” In the first scene, Molly (Molly Ranson), the family’s distant American cousin, arrives and forces herself into the

family. She offers an extremely naive outsider’s insight into Jewish struggles in Europe, and always feels the need to chime in to reinforce her privileged American experience. As the increasingly distraught family is looking for somewhere to safely live as Jews and Israel is brought up, Molly inserts herself into the family discussion with typical anti-Israel arguments. Molly represents a large swath of the American Jewish diaspora that has been so assimilated that it loses connection to both its religion and the tormented history that drove Jews to seek out America as a refuge. Elodie (Francis Benhamou), the bipolar, quick-witted daughter of the family, would typically be progressive like Molly, but has been forced to confront realities as a European Jew. Elodie goes on long, humorous rants, proving her point and attempting to undo Molly’s conceptions as an American Jew. “Prayers for the French Republic” depicts history repeating itself through the rotating stage design, allowing scenes from two time periods to be woven together throughout the play and highlighting the trauma felt across generations. The play has had an added significance since the war in Ukraine began. After asking Ari Brand about Ukraine, he responded by saying, “The news we’re seeing of literally millions of families forced to make this impossible decision—do we stay, fight, potentially die? Or do we leave

everything we know behind, taking only what we can carry?” He continued, “And the fact that it’s happening as we speak? Children dying? This very hour? It’s beyond heartbreaking. And it infuses our story with immediacy, poignancy, and truth.” The play touched on many of these themes, adding a layer of relevancy.

The realistic, comical family dynamic balances out the play’s tough topic of antisemitism. The family dynamic can be described as a crossover of “Schitt’s Creek” (2015) and “The Goldbergs” (2013), with Molly adding a sprinkle of “Emily in Paris” (2020).

The screaming family arguments range in intensity, from household chores to debates about Israel and Judaism. Brand described the mesh of emotions felt by the audience: “Well, they definitely think the funny parts are funny. And apparently they cry a lot too.”

Junior Jackson Mushnick confirms Brand’s statements, saying, “I felt like I was at a family dinner, all my relatives were there.”

Social Studies teacher Robert Sandler’s Jewish History class was lucky enough to see the show, and senior Aaron Vissor describes the play as “enthralling.” Visser said, “I’ve seen it twice now and each time it pulls you in as the daunting run time breezes by.” The play conquers many tough subjects through clever dialogue and allows the audience to understand the cyclical nature of antisemitism throughout generations.

The Spectator ● April 1, 2022

Page 23

Arts and Entertainment The Art of Marketing

Thinkpiece

By SIMONE RALEIGH

T he

r

tato

Spec

South by Southwest, abbreviated as SXSW, has long been viewed as the union of technology, art, music, and various other media forms. From its start in the late ‘80s, the annual music festivalturned-convention has attracted people from around the globe to its headquarters in Austin, Texas.

Though the music element of SXSW has long dominated the scene, the festival is now known to be where tech startups are introduced to consumers. The 2007 SXSW Interactive convention hosted social media platform Twitter, and 2017 saw brands like Nintendo, Mazda, and Panasonic take the stage.

In recent years, politicians have harnessed the immense audience SXSW garners and have been featured as keynote speakers. President Barack Obama gave a speech in 2016, in which he encouraged the technology industry to solve many of America’s problems, such as outdated networks, the imbalance security and privacy, and the FBI-Apple encryption dispute.

Guest speakers in 2017 included U.S. Senator Cory Booker and President Joe Biden.

With an average of half a million attendees, SXSW is the most profitable event in Austin, outside of any University of Texas athletic events. SXSW had an estimated economic impact of $325 million on the city of Austin in 2016, with demand for hotel rates increasing

oo /

By ADELE BOIS

ator, as they’re often forced to follow the explicit instructions of a client. Even if large corporations grant their artists creative freedom, there is not enough transparency in the industry to validate such claims. Creating branding capital is also guaranteed to restrict unbridled creative speech, with brands setting bounds of political expression instead of placing more value on palatable, Instagram-appropriate, eye-catching art. Artists are forced to struggle to navigate the asymmetrical power relationship with large corporations, so even though there is some creative allure, there’s still a need to shape

expectations and negotiate careful contracts for the artist in order to ensure that they are not being taken advantage of.

This continued trend by marketers to establish more intimate relationships with their customers through dynamic film advertisements has greatly increased the influence of artists on marketing. Inspiring a strong emotional reaction can convince the consumer that you understand how they feel, and selling a product will provide an outcome that impacts the consumer on an emotional level.

By placing this emotion at the heart of your advertisement, you can instantly make your ad seem more relatable.

Advertisers push this narrative of an idealized and trendy lifestyle, hiring diverse casts, using viral songs and celebrities, and referencing pop culture trends. Utilizing these tactics, campaigns like Nike’s “Play New” branding to follow up their iconic “Just Do It” slogan push a narrative of sportsmanship and health by highlighting the stories of relatable amateur athletes.

Unlike product development, which tries to stay away from commenting on controversial political issues for the self-preservation of the brand, ste H

Culture

1980s, the brand had become quite dull and unexciting. This changed in 1988, when a series of silk scarves was commissioned from prominent artists like Sol LeWitt, Arman, and James Rosenquist, launching the brand back to the forefront of the luxury industry.

In recent years, Louis Vuitton has expanded into more direct collaborations with high-profile artists like Takashi Murakami, selling an exclusive product merged with the creation of an esteemed artist. Consumers are hence given the opportunity to buy and possess a piece of art by a certain artist, and artists are granted a way to reach out to a broader public who may be able to afford a pricey bag, but not a

$40,000 painting from the artists themselves.

The relationship between art and commerce has always been filled with suspicion, and the image of a “starving artist” has existed for hundreds of years. This patron-artist relationship can become toxic for the cre-

Cele

Following the rise of visualcentric social media and the merging of contemporary art with mainstream pop culture, brands have begun positioning themselves as patrons of creative culture. With the diminishing impact of traditional advertising, companies are seeking new ways to capture the attention and goodwill of the public. In exchange, brands provide financial opportunities to emerging artists. In a vacuum of meaningful public-arts funding, and in contrast to the highly exclusive commercial art market, brands have the potential to be an alternative pillar of support for artists, while reaping the commercial benefits.

An example of a brand making substantial, and sometimes surprising, investments in art and artists is PepsiCo. When PepsiCo created a new premium water brand, it came up with LIFEWTR, a clear plastic bottle with a black cap and a colorful, eclectic series of labels designed by emerging artists. Art is a central part of the LIFEWTR brand.

Not only does it drive sales with its visually striking packaging, but PepsiCo also benefits artists by donating art supplies to public schools and has endowed a $100,000 annual fund for the Brooklyn Museum to purchase new works. In its newest campaign, “LIFE UNSEEN,” the brand features eye-catching imagery from up-and-coming creators on its bottles. While brands like PepsiCo use art to optimize the chances of their products being picked off the shelves of

a supermarket and help independent artists, high-end brands use art to enhance their brand perception.

Louis Vuitton, a pioneer of what is known today as the “luxury industry,” was also one of the first manufacturers to place a signature on his creations. Despite Louis Vuitton’s exclusivity and exceptional craftsmanship, by t h e late

advertising campaigns don’t only reflect the world; they play an essential part in creating and changing it. From Dove’s “Campaign for Real Beauty” to Sport England’s “This Girl Can,” artists have been able to play an important part in societal and cultural change by creating new and eyecatching advertisements. In recent years, advertisements have grown more narrative-based, requiring a greater team of creative directors and artists, since audiences have become more resistant to basic advertising schemes due to the greater variety of products available on the market.

This can be seen in the Volkswagen ad “Moments,” which shows a little girl’s conversation with her mother about all the adventures she will have in her life, as she overcomes her fear about walking to school for her first day side-by-side with a distracted mom driving. Instead of listing out all of the car’s brand new safety features they were trying to advertise, Volkswagen utilizes a story about a child’s future that is easy for consumers to empathize with. ​​Perhaps in the coming years, artists will complete the shift from making functionless objects for rich people to shaping daily life for the masses. In that process, artists may find a way around the risky brand-patron relationship altogether, but with no standardized fees, contracts, or best practices, artists are typically left to negotiate and advocate for themselves with little leverage, meaning artists must remain cautious in their corporate collaboration.

Trans Rights Up For Discussion at South by Southwest 2022 costs by nearly 60 percent. For reference, Superbowl LI generated a $347 million impact for the Houston economy.

With the development of Texas governor Greg Abbott’s attempts to restrict gender-affirming care for transgender youth, many companies have stated that they would no longer participate in SXSW in an attempt to reduce the revenue the state of Texas

social media, are still attending the event. At a keynote speaker event on March 13, Texas native Lizzo explained that she was “proud to rep Houston… but not proud to rep Texas politics right now.”

Nevertheless, she is still attending SXSW to promote her new movie “Watch Out for the Big Grrls.”

Similarly, The Trevor Project, the world’s largest mental health organization for LGBTQ+ youth,

discriminatory legislation and supports the LGBTQ+ community […] the governor’s latest directive puts trans children in harm’s way once again, and we unequivocally condemn this action.” A panel on March 11 titled “Addressing Our Transgender Health Crisis” is just one of the ways SXSW’s support for the LGBTQ+ community has manifested. They have invited both local and national humanitar-

With the development of Texas governor Greg Abbott’s attempts to restrict gender-affirming care for transgender youth, many companies have stated that they would no longer participate in SXSW in an attempt to reduce the revenue the state of Texas makes from the convention. makes from the convention. For example, representatives from the app “Clubhouse” stated that they would not be attending this year’s SXSW because “they wouldn’t feel comfortable asking LGBTQ+ voices from the Clubhouse community to come to Texas.” The app isn’t specifically an app for queer people, but “Clubhouse” still stands in solidarity with its LGBTQ+ users and employees.

However, some notable attendees, despite denouncing SXSW on

rallied voices like USA Olympic Skater Adam Rippon, “Queer Eye” star Jonathan Van Ness, and “​​ Freaks and Geeks” alum Busy Phillips, for panels condemning Greg Abbott and voicing their support for trans youth. “Transgender and nonbinary young people deserve to live their lives without fear,” said Van Ness.

SXSW itself has taken measures to denounce Abbott’s remarks, issuing an official statement that said, “SXSW stands against

ian groups to speak on the topics.

As of now, SXSW’s organizers have no intention to leave Austin.

“We are often asked to leave the state when issues arise, but Texas is our home,” a spokesperson shared.

“It is a state where the major population centers are Democratic, and Austin has always stood for progressive values. Moving SXSW out of Texas would damage Austin more than it would the state.”

In a way, the location of a convention like SXSW is beneficial

to the residents of Texas, as well as out-of-state visitors. By vocally supporting the LGBTQ+ community and offering panels where attendees can educate themselves on pressing matters in Texas, SXSW offers opportunities to spread awareness on one of the most restrictive and damaging issues affecting trans youth today. Arguably, by being situated in a Republican state, these ideas can diffuse out and rally more support for the LQBTQ+ community as the convention continues. On the other hand, SXSW is not necessarily catering to those affected by the crisis in Texas. The average cost for a ticket is $1,000; this exclusivity is both an allure and a problem. The main group of attendees will be primarily interested in the technology and business aspects, perhaps choosing to visit those demonstrations at the festival rather than current events discussions. Moreover, the root of the problem is the festival organizers themselves, making the transgender rights discussion a side panel as opposed to taking a more active approach: there is no record of SXSW donating to LGBTQ+ organizations despite the massive revenue they enjoy. All in all, festivals like SXSW should be influenced to use their platform to share pressing matters, especially if the problems are in a place that they want to be proud of. Hosting a plethora of global celebrities, including politicians, SXSW should be using that to their advantage and their supporters’ advantage.

Page 24

The Spectator ● April 1, 2022

Arts and Entertainment

By RAISA NOHA A woman walks into the 11 Howard hotel wearing the latest designer clothing. She frequents all of the hottest and most expensive hotels in Manhattan, jumping from room to room and strolling around like she owns the place.

She’s brunette and blue-eyed, with an unplaceable yet unforgettable accent. People watch as she converses with staff and passes $100 bills into their palms as tips.

“She’s a respected foreigner and socialite who still pays mind to the locals,” they whisper amongst themselves. Rumors fly that “she’s from old money, her trust-fund is about to kick in, and she is on the brink of establishing one of the finest art clubs that the world has ever seen.” And then, her cards get declined.

That’s Anna Delvey for you.

Or should I say, Anna Sorokin?

Under the alias “Anna Delvey,” Sorokin was able to weasel her way into the upper echelons of high New York City society, masquerading as the daughter of a rich German businessman. She convinced everybody with her stories while dropping thousands of dollars on designer clothes, lavish trips with her friends, and expensive hotel rooms where she basically lived. She believed that she could lie her way into riches and luxury. It’s surreal that wealthy people, big banks, and large businesses fell victim to her scams.

Netflix released a nine episode fictionalized adaptation of

Can You Fake It Til’ You Make it?

Anna’s life in crime on February 11, 2022, inspired by journalist Jessica Pressler’s reporting on the case. The show starts off with the premise that “this whole story is true. Except for the parts that are totally made up.” The show follows journalist Vivian Kent (Anna Clumsky), who is loosely based on Pressler and absolutely infatuated with Anna’s case. She is determined to redeem herself after a mistake she made in one of her previous articles. Despite her boss’s disapproval, she interviews Anna (Julia Garner) and her acquaintances to learn more about the supposed German heiress and her connection to New York’s elite. In each episode, Vivian meets someone who has fallen victim to Anna’s deception and uncovers new truths about Anna’s identity.

It is the relationships between characters that progress the story onward. Each episode presents the audience with outrageous encounters that people had with Anna. The audience watches as some fall head over heels for her charm and as others become suspicious of her identity and dubious actions. There is a focus on her closest group of friends, which consists of Neffatari Davis (Alexis Floyd), Kacy Duke (Laverne Cox), and Rachel Williams (Katie Lowes). Neff has an undying loyalty toward Sorokin and encourages others to support her through the court process. Neff even goes out of her way to find Anna a stylist for her court ap-

pearances and attends every trial in hopes that the person she considers a friend, no matter her actual identity, will be freed. In contrast to Neff, Rachel develops a disdain towards Anna after an illfated vacation to Morocco jeopardizes her job and wellbeing when Anna fails to pay. This event is the beginning of Anna’s downfall.

It even leads Rachel to aid in the police operation to arrest Anna.

The acting performances are the highlight of the show. Garner immediately grabs your attention with her perfect recreation of Sorokin’s bizarre accent.

She encapsulates the pure essence of Sorokin’s arrogant character through her precise facial expressions. She is also able to depict spurts of anger and manipulation, followed by instances of passiveness. She’s abrasive and exudes confidence in the way she talks and walks, but Emily Young-Squire / The Spectator

Televison

she shows Anna’s hidden vulnerability with her body language.

Garner’s portrayal of self-assurance built on delusion and pettiness makes the audience pity her, yet her portrayal of Anna’s ambitious nature also makes them root for her. Her juxtaposition with Arian Moayed, who plays her sincere, caring lawyer Todd Spodeck, and Laverne Cox’s radiant portrayal of Kacy creates an entertaining balance that the viewers seek throughout the show.

In contrast to Garner’s spectacular performance, Clumsky’s character presents one of the biggest flaws of the show. Vivian’s backstory is one of the multiple unnecessary subplots sprinkled throughout the show.

Though Anna’s life is shown at a reasonable pace, the show’s momentum becomes inconsistent when the hour-long episodes drag on with long segments showcasing Vivian’s life. It does not help

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that Clumsky’s odd gestures and line executions are sloppy and disingenuous, especially when we are supposed to empathize with Vivian. Her character simply falls flat.

Anna is the center of attention, and viewers want to know more about her, not the uninteresting woman interviewing her.

Fashion also plays an integral part in Anna’s story. She is known for her amazing taste in art and her aptitude for fashion, which started from a young age.

Anna is even known for the stylish outfits that she would wear to court, which means that expectations for the costume design were set high. Anna is constantly seen wearing the best designer clothes with neatly styled hair, fitting for any occasion. Her wardrobe is sophisticated but never dull. She wears her fair share of patterns, shiny jewels, and glitter, but her outfits are never overbearing. Her clothes are a representation of her desire for greatness but need for safety.

Despite its flaws, “Inventing Anna” is enticing due to the shocking true story behind it.

The series offers interesting commentary on modern-day capitalism, while simultaneously keeping viewers engaged with a mysterious yet outrageous and cartoon-like character. The performances by its actors make the show worthwhile and addictively watchable, leaving us wondering about the people who inspired these characters and how Anna’s actions continue to affect them today.

The Spectator ● April 1, 2022

Page 25

Sports NFL

The Return of TB12 And just like that, Tom Brady is back.

Tom Brady announced on Instagram and Twitter on March 13, 2022 that he would be making a return to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for his 23rd National Football League (NFL) season. The 44 year old, who has been considered as one of the greatest quarterbacks in NFL history, accomplished many impressive feats throughout his twenty-two season career where he played in ten Super Bowls, won seven championship rings, and earned three league MVP awards.

And after 40 days of retirement, the legendary quarterback has the opportunity to once again start for the Buccaneers.

“These two past months I have realized my place is still on the field and not in the stands,” Brady posted. “That time will come. But it’s not now. I love my teammates, and I love my supportive family. Without them, none of this is possible.

I’m coming back for my 23rd season in Tampa. We have unfinished business. LFG.” Reactions from NFL fans on the announcement flooded the internet, especially on Twitter. Most fans of the NFL speculated that Brady’s return was imminent, with Brady and Buccaneers fans alike hoping that he would stay in the NFL longer to win more Super

Bowls. While some players supported Tom Brady’s return, others were shocked by his return and saddened by the fact that they would have to deal with him for another year. Regardless, the NFL world, including the NFL and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers themselves, simply reacted with “LFG.” Some fans theorized that Brady’s meeting with 37 year old Portuguese soccer player Cristiano Ronaldo convinced him to get out of retirement as Brady was able to witness another athlete perform and dominate at his best, even at an old age (for an athlete). The day before Brady’s out-of-retirement announcement, he attended Manchester United’s game against Tottenham Hotspur, where Ronaldo scored a hat trick in a dominant 4-1 performance. Tom Brady even posted a video on Instagram where he was hesitant after Ronaldo asked him if he was actually done with American football.

When Brady first announced his retirement decision over Instagram on February 1, it drew lots of love and gratitude from NFL fans and players all over the world.

Through his Instagram post, Tom Brady reflected on motivation to play football throughout his career and why he was retiring. Brady then proceeded to thank the people that have impacted his life, especially his teammates, fans, coaches, and family.

“There is a physical, mental, and emotional challenge every single day that has allowed me to

of things have come up over the years, in the last 10 years of my life, as I got closer to this decision this

maximize my highest potential,” Brady said. “And I have tried my very best these past 22 years. This is difficult for me to write, but here it goes: I am not going to make that competitive commitment anymore, I have loved my NFL career, and now it is time to focus my time and energy on other things that require my attention.”

He further expanded his situation on his podcast “Let’s Go,” where he explained that the passage of time throughout his NFL career impacted his decision. “A lot

last week, and it just in the end felt like it was the right time to do it,” Brady said.

Now, with Brady’s sudden return to the football field, he has already made an impact on this year’s NFL season. While his return can foreshadow the re-establishment of Tampa Bay as a dynasty in the NFL, Brady can also affect the decisions of free agents all over the NFL. With Brady’s presence alone, center Ryan Jensen and cornerback Carlton Davis have committed to returning to Tampa Bay. But not

Jessica Mui / The Spectator

By JAMES KANG

only did Brady’s presence create a ripple effect in the NFL free agency, it also serves as an obstacle for the rest of the NFC to even have a chance at winning the competition as well as the Super Bowl.

Furthermore, Brady’s return allows him to add more milestones to his list of notable accomplishments. At the end of the 2022 NFL season, Tom Brady had the most touchdown passes (624), most passing yards (84,520), most regular-season wins (243), most playoff wins (35), most Super Bowl appearances (10), most Super Bowl wins (7), most Super Bowl MVPS, and most Pro Bowl selections (15) in NFL history. Brady was even named 2009 Comeback Player of the Year and named to the NFL’s 100 All-Time Team.

Brady faces a new challenge now, as he is twice the age of some of the players he will face. Regardless, Brady believes that his love and commitment to the game is stronger than ever.

“I don’t think it’s, you know, a physical thing,” Brady said. “I mean, it does require a lot of time and energy. You know, it’s just the nature of football and if you want to be good at it, you got to commit all the time and energy you can to it.”

And with this in mind, NFL fans should prepare to witness another year of Tom Brady.

Sports Editorial

Dennis Bergkamp: The Non-Flying Dutchman

By SOHAM MUKHERJEE Known for his intelligent playmaking, calm and collected personality, and clinical finishing in front of the net, Dennis Bergkamp is considered one of the greatest playmakers of all time. The Dutch attacker peaked at Arsenal F.C., where he won three Premier League titles and four FA Cups with the club. He also picked up multiple individual accolades across the span of his career. Though Bergkamp was a very accomplished player, he could have achieved so much more if he didn’t have an unusual condition: aviophobia, the fear of flying. Aviophobia would prove to be a difficult mental challenge for Bergkamp throughout his career, and his growth as a player would be hindered due to this unfortunate condition.

Bergkamp was born in Amsterdam in 1969. He grew up there, and his talent was recognized by Dutch soccer club Ajax when he was only 11 years old. The young star was quickly climbing through the ranks at the club when a ter-

rifying event shook his perspective on flying. While developing at the club academy, a 1989 flight carrying Bergkamp’s teammates to an away tournament crashed midway and resulted in the loss of some of his friends. Though Bergkamp himself wasn’t on that flight, this incident left a mark on his heart and fostered his hatred for flying.

However, over time, Bergkamp pushed on and became an incredible playmaker, revered for his flair and skill on the ball.

He made his professional debut in 1986, impressing all who watched him play. The youngster attracted attention from many of Europe’s top clubs, and he decided to sign for Italian giant Inter Milan when he was 24.

After a couple of disappointing seasons, Bergkamp made the move to Arsenal, where he bloomed. He led the team to multiple league and cup titles, as well as the 2006 Champions League final that marked the Dutchman’s last appearance as a player. Bergkamp was also called up to the Netherlands national team on multiple occasions throughout

his career and participated in several European Championships, along with the 1994 and 1998 FIFA World Cups. After retiring as a player, Bergkamp returned as an assistant coach at Ajax from 2011 to 2017. His dedication and hard work to the Gunners were recognized, and the club erected a statue in his honor outside of the Emirates Stadium in 2014. It’s clear that Bergkamp had an immense impact on both his club and country because he played with unbelievable passion and creativity on the field, but few know how mentally difficult it was for the Dutchman to maintain that high level of performance.

Bergkamp established himself as the new number 10 of the Dutch national team after his amazing performances for Arsenal, taking over the mantle of the playmaker from his predecessor Johan Cruyff, one of the greatest icons in soccer history. Bergkamp was expected to meet the incredibly high standards set by Cruyff, and the young attacker lived up to the demand. However, while Cruyff was nicknamed the

Flying Dutchman, Bergkamp was nicknamed the Non-Flying Dutchman due to his fear of flying.

Aviophobia can be particularly detrimental to soccer players because traveling by air is necessary to arrive at far away games.

Bergkamp actually took a wage cut when he initially joined Arsenal due to the fact that he would be unable to participate in most of the club’s away matches. Whenever possible, the Dutchman would travel by car or train to play with the rest of the team regardless of distance. One time, he drove 994 miles from London to Florence, Italy, a 20-hour car drive, to arrive at the field and play in a Champions League match against Italian side Fiorentina.

“I’ve got this problem, and I have to live with it,” Bergkamp said to the Independent in October 1996. “I am considering psychiatric help. I can’t fly. I just freeze. I get panicky. It starts the day before, when I can’t sleep.”

Bergkamp’s aviophobia developed over time due to a series of events throughout his career. The first incident was the 1989 flight

during his time at Ajax’s academy, an occasion that left a scar on his mind. Later, two other events during the 1994 World Cup completely devastated Bergkamp’s relationship with flying. The flight trip to the United States for the World Cup was a long journey that became worse for the Dutchman when the plane’s motor temporarily broke down midway. The last straw was when one of their flights during the World Cup was delayed because a journalist made an inappropriate joke about having a bomb in his bag. All of these bad experiences with flying have led to his permanent fear.

Bergkamp could have achieved so much more without aviophobia holding him back. All of the games that the Arsenal team played without the Dutchman could have been masterclasses if he had been present on the field. While Bergkamp’s unfortunate fear inhibited his progress, the undeniable imaginative spark and quick movement that he brought to the game will remain unforgettable to all who have watched him.

NBA

Boban Marjanović: Defining a Legend

By AVA QUARLES and TY ANANT Picture a seven foot four and a quarter of an inch tall Serbian giant with ears as big as your hands, innocently smiling down at you as he offers you Goldfish and a hug. Now put him in a #51 Dallas Mavericks jersey, and you have Boban “Bobi” Marjanović.

Marjanović is among the world’s most talented athletes, yet astoundingly one of the most underappreciated. Despite his status

as a certified NBA superstar, his high-caliber plays on the court have not been as popular as the time when he treated Anthony Davis like a child or when he went head to head with John Wick.

What makes Bobi legendary is so much more universal than his basketball skill: it’s his personality. “He’s immediately your best friend,” billionaire owner of the Mavericks Mark Cuban said. Known for his hugs and the State Farm coasters with his face on it, Bobi is loved by everyone.

All NBA fans are inspired by the friendships Bobi has with both his teammates and opponents.

Los Angeles Clippers forward Marcus Morris once told Bobi, “You might be the nicest guy I’ve ever met.”

Bobi played in the EuroLeague from 2010 to 2015, leading the league in field goal percentage, rebounds per game, and performance index rating during his final season. He was the Serbian Super League MVP for three consecutive years until he signed

a one year, $1.2 million contract with the San Antonio Spurs in 2015. Since then, Bobi has been on five NBA teams. Every team wants him, likely because of his extraordinary statistics. He has the number one player efficiency rating in NBA history, which accounts for all of the contributions a player makes in a single statistic.

His true shooting percentage is in Steph Curry’s range. He leads the league in points per shot attempt all time. Bobi is so efficient that if he played as many min-

utes as LeBron James, he would be tied with Michael Jordan for total points in NBA history. The only question that remains is, why does this statistical phenomenon rarely come off the bench? The answer remains a mystery.

The “Bobi Effect,” the craze over the NBA star, has spread beyond the bounds of the basketball court. Employers in every industry are trying to get their hands on this transcendent figure. continued on page 26

Page 26

The Spectator ● April 1, 2022

Sports Sports Editorial

A Historic Season For Stuyvesant Gymnastics didn’t have a full meet until our last regular meet of the season,” Krechmer explained.

However, despite these setbacks, the team was determined to make the most of their situation.

“We’re all really supportive of each other, and we have a strong emphasis on each meet, regardless of who we’re competing with, to do our best and it’s not about the score,” Krechmer said. On December 10, in their first meet against John F. Kennedy High School, the Panthers emerged victorious with a whopping overall score of 96.45 despite competing with only five total members.

Though the team has struggled in subsequent meets, suffering consecutive defeats against the Bronx Science Wolverines, the gymnasts made a valiant effort during each event. On January 12, though the Panthers were defeated by the Wolverines, freshman Alisa Long claimed the number one spot for the balance beam event, and DeVito likewise emerged first for the floor exercise event. With outstanding individual performances from key gymnasts, the Panthers looked to persevere through tough times.

The Panthers also managed to bond with one another both in and out of meets and practices. “Meets are already a really supportive environment, but especially after meets, when we were all tired, we would just sit, and we would eat snacks and talk, and it was really cool getting to know each other,” Krechmer said when describing the team chemistry. Certainly, the connection between the gymnasts proved key throughout the highs and lows of the Panthers’ season.

As the finals drew closer for the team, circumstances looked to lighten up with the return of a few key members of the squad.

The finals took place on February 16, and the Panthers, the Wolverines, the Tottenville Pirates, and

By SHAFIUL HAQUE Astounding forward rolls. Extraordinary front handsprings.

Impressive roundoff back tucks.

Astonishing back layouts.

These routines are what define the sport of gymnastics. It’s what every gymnast, regardless of his or her background, mindset, or style, strives to achieve during every match through practice, repetition, and perfection. This year, both the Panthers, Stuyvesant girls’ gymnastics team, and the Lemurs, Stuyvesant boys’ gymnastics team, have impressed their competition and achieved accolades in their respective divisions. The Panthers medaled third in the Girls Gymnastics PSAL Championships and managed to cap off their season with a record-breaking overall score of 126. The Lemurs won the Boys Gymnastics PSAL Championship, along with achieving a season-high 105.8 points in the decisive meet. However, the successes of the teams do not paint the full picture of the hardships and setbacks the gymnasts have overcome throughout their season.

The Panthers The Panthers, under the leadership of captains senior Ella Krechmer and junior Ariana DeVito along with Coach Vasken Choubaralian, initially struggled with a smaller roster and frequent injuries. Typically for each meet, there are five gymnasts that compete in each event, and only the top four scores are counted. However, the Panthers suffered from a lack of participants for the events due to many contributing factors.

“There were a lot of meets where we only had three people competing for the entire competition, which meant only two people in some events. And that was because people were injured, or were sick with COVID, or were away, so that was a big struggle, and we

the Curtis High School team competed in contention for the PSAL Championships. In the finals, the Panthers placed third, with a commendable effort from all the gymnasts. Coach Choubaralian said, “The team scored a historic high score of 126 points. This was largely thanks to two new members of the team, Alisa Long and Margaux Scandura.” Krechmer also explained how the season’s highlight was their success in the finals. “We had three people qualify for states for the team [...] [and] for all my years here there has only been one member of our team that has qualified. I got a ribbon, which was crazy for me, and it just was a really good year overall,” Krechmer said.

Despite struggles with injuries and a short roster, the Panthers achieved their goal of a historic season, consisting of an all-time record score and placing third in the PSAL Championships. However, it wasn’t the achievements of the team or the hardships that the gymnasts overcame, but rather the collective chemistry and culture of gymnastics that was emphasized this season. “I think [I will miss] everything because this season has been the best one so far, and I think spending time with my teammates is probably the thing I’m going to miss the most,” Krechmer said.

The Lemurs Coach Marvin Autry led the Lemurs this season along with captains seniors Mohammad Rahim and Ivan Mijacika. Heading into the PSAL season plagued with the rise of COVID-19 cases across the city did not stray the team away from their goals. Coach Autry explained the main objective: “Winning the championship. That’s not an easy thing, [...] I told the kids that after they make the team, they would have to pick up at least one gymnastics skill a week.”

In order to achieve these high ambitions, the Lemurs needed to work together in order to overcome their poor form. Many of the gymnasts on the Lemurs’ roster this season started off as beginners, and as such, they needed to perfect their skills. Rahim said, “Coming back to school, we forgot a lot of routines and skills we had—for example, how to set up, how to take down, a lot of the stretches and conditioning.” However, the team began to find its groove within the first few weeks of practices, and thus were able to have the upper hand over their opponents during meets.

Throughout the regular season, the Lemurs dominated their competition, achieving overall scores over 90 during each meet.

The team earned three consecutive victories, winning 97.6-81.5 against the LaGuardia Lions, 99.746.2 against the Tottenville Pirates, and 97.8-80.1 against the Long Island City Bulldogs. Mijacika and Rahim led in scores for most of the events, with commendable efforts from sophomore Kohl Shepherd and junior Andrew Poon.

Rahim attributed the team’s successes to constant practices both in and out of meets. “There’s this place called Aviator Sports Center, where we usually go on the weekends and we’re usually tumbling or [practicing] high bar and really refining these skills. We’re not allowed the usual three hours we have at practice, [...] and so we had to put in the time during the weekends,” Rahim explained.

Similarly to the Panthers, the Lemurs relied on strong chemistry within the team in order to cultivate an effective gymnastics culture and build a strong team. “I think what makes our team so special is that it’s not too big. We only have fifteen guys, and everyday everyone shows up to practice, and during warmups we’ll talk to each other and we’ll make jokes,” Ra-

him said. The interconnectedness in the team certainly helped the gymnasts improve on their skills and support one another during their training period.

In preparation for the finals, the team perfected their skills and the performances that they would display during the meets. “Right before championships, we had workouts at other schools, and it was five days, 9 to 1, four hours each day [...] improving [our] skills for the last competition,” Rahim said. The finals took place on March 5, and the Lemurs faced off against the Tottenville Pirates, Long Island City Bulldogs, and LaGuardia Lions. Though the team didn’t place first in any of the individual events, their overall meet total was clear of the other teams by a seven point margin. Thus, the Panthers were crowned the Boys Gymnastics PSAL Champions, with a season-breaking total score of 105.8 points.

Following the end of the season, the team members rejuvenated and recollected themselves in hopes to continue their championship hunt next year. However, the departure of the seniors following the championship win means a goodbye from the rest of the team. “I’ll miss all the seniors that are leaving this year, because they’re my top guys, and they’ve been a part of the team for four years.” Coach Autry said.

Rahim looks back at his time with Stuyvesant gymnastics with pride, recalling how he’ll miss the special lifestyle of gymnastics. He explained, “I think [I’ll miss] the culture of gymnastics. It’s not like other sports where there is a lot of structure; in gymnastics, it’s very free flowing. You make your own routines, you learn whatever skills you want to learn next, you progress your own way and at different speeds from other people. I’ll really miss being there and working my body to its limits.”

NBA

Boban Marjanovic: Defining a Legend with Bobi executing his role to perfection until his ultimate death at the hands of Wick. Moviegoers would assume Bobi is a seasoned actor from his instantly iconic performance, though the truth of the matter is that he has only been in one previous movie, a cameo credit in a Serbian basketball

continued from page 25

The Serbian giant starred in “John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum” alongside Keanu Reeves, playing a nearly unstoppable assassin out for blood. Every one of his scenes is a cinematic masterpiece,

movie from 2015.

Bobi is also a consistent star in commercials. A plethora of companies try to utilize his worldly appeal in order to sell more of their products, and as a result, he’s advertised everything from Goldfish to insurance. Now that Bobi has conquered basketball, acting,

and the commercial industry, the world is waiting to see what he’ll do next.

Being such an adored figure isn’t easy for Bobi, even though most other things seem to be.

For example, living in a society catered to normal people has its downsides. Though he can dunk a

basketball without jumping, Bobi isn’t able to work out at SoulCycle because their bikes can’t accommodate his massive size 20 shoes.

The least that fans can do to live and love like Bobi is support him by buying Goldfish, writing about his dominance, and cheering him on in every possible way.

April Sports Calendar Monday

Tuesday

Wednesday

4

Thursday

5

Friday

6

7

8

Girls’ Varsity Softball vs. Boys’ Varsity Tennis vs. Co-ed Varsity Cricket vs. Girls’ Varsity Handball Boys’ Varsity Lacrosse Baruch College Campus High School of Bronx High School Of vs. Fiorello H. LaGuar- vs. Jamaica High School Jamaica High School Field High School American Studies Science dia High School East River Park: Softball-07 4:00 p.m.

11

Boys’ Varsity Handball vs. Walton High School Bailey Park: Handball 4:30 p.m.

Pier 40 4:00 p.m.

Baisley Pond Park Cricket #2 4:00 p.m.

12

Girls’ Varsity Fencing vs. New Explorations into Science, Technology, and Math Stuyvesant High School: Fencing 4:30 p.m.

Stuyvesant High School: Handball 4:30 p.m.

13

Girls’ Varsity Badminton vs. New Explorations into Science, Technology, and Math Stuyvesant High School: Gym 4:30 p.m.

14

Boys’ Varsity Baseball vs. Franklin K. Lane High School Pier 40 4:15 p.m.

4:00 p.m.

15

THE SPECTATOR SPORTS

Sports Editorial

March Sadness: Six Things To Do Instead of Filling Out A Bracket actually achieve. The odds of getting into Harvard, for instance, are one in 22, which, compared to the previously mentioned one in 9,223,372,036,856,775,808 odds of scoring a perfect bracket, doesn’t seem bad at all. In fact, the two digit number feels microscopic written right next to the 19 digit number, and comparing the odds of an elite college accepting me and the odds of getting a perfect bracket convinces me that I’ll see all of you in Harvard!

By JOHN JAY WANG One out of 9,223,372,036,856,775,808. This miniscule number happens to be the exact odds of guessing all 63 games of March Madness correctly.

Despite the unfavorable likelihood of filling a perfect bracket, 40 million people decide to test their luck each year, and as one might expect, all of them end up unsuccessful.

However, this doesn’t necessarily have to be your fate. After doing a few minutes of mental math, here are six of my personal favorite alternatives to filling out a bracket, along with their significantly likelier odds.

2. Go for a run in a thunderstorm Are you lightning-fast at running? No? Great, you don’t have to be, as the lightning part will come naturally. Filling out the bracket could be an hour-long ordeal, which is time that you could have been using taking your daily run in a thunderstorm. Historically, some have considered being struck by lightning as lucky, so why not try it yourself ? Your odds of get-

1. Apply to college As Stuyvesant students, 99 percent of us are aiming to get into a good college. Getting admitted into an Ivy League school is a wish that many of us have, but something that only a select few

ting struck by lightning are one in 500,000, so the stronger the thunderstorm, the better!

3. Take a swim in ocean water Love swimming? If so, this might be the one for you. Instead of sitting in front of your computer checking off circles on a screen, go to the beach and take in some spring weather! Swimming in the ocean is always a great way to cool off from rising temperatures, and it is also a perfect opportunity for shark-seeing! Getting bit by one of these gentle and kind animals happens to one in 5,000,000 people.

Go test your luck on some sharks!

Break a leg!

4. Play the Powerball The grand prize of winning March Madness this year is $100 million, which sounds enticing. But do you know what sounds even better? More money. The Powerball frequently offers over $100

million dollars, with the prize pool reaching up to as much as $1.5 billion dollars. The odds are tough at one in 292,201,338, but nowhere near as hard to beat as the odds for the bracket.

5. Play the Powerball twice What’s better than winning hundreds of millions of dollars?

Winning hundreds of millions of dollars twice. Surprisingly, the odds of winning the powerball twice, one in 414,469,336,590,400, are still better than your chances of filling a perfect bracket—by 1,000 times. Well, what are you waiting for? Don’t just read about your great odds, steal your parent’s ID, run to the deli, and go buy a lottery ticket (or two)!

6. (Don’t) Fill out ESPN’s Second Chance Bracket Each year, ESPN gives a second chance bracket, where collegiate basketball fans can fill out the

bracket starting from the second round instead of having to bet on results for the entire tournament.

Are the odds better for this bracket? A little. Will you win this bracket? Probably not. Hypothetically, even if you were to win, you would only be winning $10,000 compared to the $100 million, and who wants to take a $99,990,000 pay-cut? Not me.

No matter what you decide to do, don’t bother filling out a March Madness bracket. 196 in 197 people DON’T fill out the bracket, and you would fit along with them perfectly by doing the same. You can’t lose if you don’t play, right? Instead, shift to some of the better challenges that I provided above. They offer just as much excitement, and your chances of winning are substantially better. I would wish you good luck on beating the odds, but you won’t need it, as the odds are most definitely in your favor!

Athlete of the Issue

Hoops, He Did It Again moment was in my sophomore year, in the season opener against Bayard Rustin, one of our biggest rivals. Entering the fourth quarter, they had a couple point lead. One of their players was about to take a layup and take the game, but he actually tripped and fell out of bounds. With no timeouts, we inbound under our own basketball.

I caught it at the three-point line, dribbled to the left, and pulled it.

By YASHNA PATEL Name: Deven Maheshwari Grade: Senior Height: 6’ 3” Hair Color: Black Eye Color: Brown Date of Birth: 04/19/2004

2. What inspired you to join the basketball team here at Stuyvesant?

I love basketball, so I had no doubts about trying out and playing when I got to Stuyvesant. Basketball has been a great outlet for me, in terms of balancing work as well as just meeting people. When I was a freshman, I didn’t really know many people, and some of my first and lasting friendships were from playing at the BMCC court or by the water.

6. What’s one of the biggest obstacles you’ve faced while playing basketball?

The varsity coach my sophomore year was Mr. Goldsman, the guidance counselor. I did not make

I ended up tapping it up to myself and pivoting toward the basketball to catch a three for the game.

The second moment was definitely making the playoffs for the first time since 2016-2017. To advance we beat Seward in their own gym, proving to us and the rest of the city that we are back to being a good program, something our coaches stress and something everyone on our team bought into.

Also, I have never played in the playoffs with Stuyvesant, so finally making it this year was a huge moment for me.

varsity sophomore year and wasn’t given any valid reason why. That got me pretty down, and even after both of my JV seasons, there were issues with the team and coaches as a whole that stopped us from making the playoffs both years. A combination of all of those factors made me not want to play basketball anymore with the team after sophomore year, but after trying out and seeing all of my friends there after COVID and being able to be a part of that, I instantly fell in love with it again and never looked back.

5. What is your strategy for constantly improving yourself (specific workouts, exercises, mentality etc.)?

Our coach used to repeat to us, “Players are made in the off-season.” By that, he means that when we are not playing together as a team, we should all be in the gym 4. Do you have a most memo- gaining muscle or working on our rable/proud moment with the​​ skills on the court. In the summers, I spend up to five hours everyday Runnin’ Rebels?

I have two actually. The first going to the local courts, playing

7. How do you think the Stuyvesant basketball team has changed you as an athlete/person?

Playing on the Stuyvesant team has made me a better leader and better at communicating with my teammates. I was captain of both varsity and junior varsity along with Fingeret, and I was forced to manage all the guys’ different personalities, communicate with the coach about strategy, and still push for strict practices. I can also

3. What position do you play?

Why do you like it?

At Stuyvesant, I play center/ power forward. A lot of the position is about hustle and ambition and wanting the ball more than the other team, especially down low.

On the defensive side, I like pestering people and have learned a lot about how to do so by my teammates. Shout out to Aidan Fingeret. However, usually, I play shooting guard/small forward. Playing guard, I am able to have the ball in my hands, make decisions, pass it to teammates, and also cross over and just take it straight to the rim.

I like how much versatility comes with that.

get pretty intense on the court, so making sure that I keep who I am on court and off court separated is something I had to learn.

8. Do you have any plans to continue the sport in the future or in college?

There is still a chance I have the opportunity to play division three basketball in college. Otherwise, I will definitely be playing intramural basketball in recreational leagues or adult leagues. Also, hopefully, when I get older, I will be able to coach.

9. Do you have any pregame superstitions or rituals?

I have three superstitions/rituals. The first is that before every game I always have to eat the same Ferry’s sandwich: chicken cutlet, lettuce, tomato, mozzarella, and chipotle. The second is that before the game we would always meet in room 513, where the team would change together. And the third and most important is that at the beginning of every game after the huddle, I walk parallel to the free throw line, turn, take a two step volleyball approach, jump, and grab rim.

Zoe Buff / The Spectator

1. When and how did you start playing basketball? How long have you been on the ​​Runnin’ Rebels, the Stuyvesant varsity basketball team?

I have been playing basketball ever since I was a kid. My older brother, who is five years older than me, also played basketball, so I grew up going to his games and playing Little League. As I got older, I was able to play for my middle school team, and at Stuyvesant, I have been a part of the basketball program for all four years. I was on junior varsity my first two years and varsity for my last two.

against random people, and just trying to get as many repetitions as I can in. I also am a very competitive person, so I try to use better players as motivation to push me.

10. Do you have a specific freethrow routine? What is it?

I spin the ball, then crossover dribble, then spin the ball again, and then bend my knees and shoot

it.

11. What is your jersey number?

What made you decide that number?

This year, I wore double zero because every game starts at 0-0. So even if we are playing a crazy good team, I don’t feel outmatched. My real number is 24, and I would have worn it, but there were some complications with the supply chain. I picked two because it is my unlucky number and four because it is my lucky number.

12. What is your favorite game that you have played?

My favorite game that I have ever played is the senior day game this year. One of the juniors, Sloan Ireland, actually hit a buzzer beater.

Everyone showed out, and there a was really positive energy, and we ended the regular season with a win.

Funniest Teammate?

Max Fasano and Ethan Kirschner Favorite Basketball Team?

New York Knicks/Liberty Favorite Basketball Player?

Jimmy Butler Pre Game Snack/Drink?

Blood of Enemies + Doritos Favorite Shoes? Jordan 32 Hobbie?

Guitar, Volleyball, Robots

SPORTSBEAT The Peglegs, Stuyvesant boys’ varsity baseball team, defeated the West 50th Street Seahawks 4-3 in their opening match of the season, with junior Ethan Lin awarded Player of the Game.

The Renegades, Stuyvesant girls’ varsity softball team, currently hold a 2-0 record, with successive victories against East Harlem Pride (29-4) and High School for Environmental Studies (28-7).

NYC mayor Eric Adams announced that athletes who play for New York-based home teams are exempt from the vaccine mandate.

The Italian national football team missed out on the 2022 World Cup after a 0-1 loss against North Macedonia in the World Cup Qualifiers.

Nike agreed to a new deal with Kobe Bryant’s estate to continue releasing apparel from the Zoom Kobe series, as well as launching a new Gigi Bryant shoe series.

Page 28

The Spectator ● April 1, 2022

Disrespectator Fun Column 1

2

3

5

4

7

8

9

12

13

14

15 16

18

19

11

Stuy Moment #3: Serenade at the Sophomore Bar Joanna Meng / The Spectator

20 22

26

27

28

29

23

30

Coffee

10

17

21

Theme:

6

24

25

31

Do you like apples? Oliver Hollmann does, and so should you!

Apples have a number of health benefits, including more happiness, better stamina, and intense visions of long-dead relatives. Call your local Apple Dealer today!

ACROSS 1. A small at Starbucks 5. Core muscle 7. How you get the Opportunities Bulletin 8. South Indian fried snack 12. Twenty in Spanish 13. Type of berry, palm, and bowl 14. Pay up front to get food 15. __anda__ deviation 16. Can do to the SAT and in Valorant 18. Crossword heading?

21. A couple 22. Soldier 26. Tolkien tree creatures 27. Sweet 28. Alone 29. Middle of the body 30. Article before vowels 31. Barclays Center team

DOWN 1. La_e D___nian period 2. Espresso with water 3. Below sky 4. Low sugar version 5. Ye mateys?

6. Star Wars healing tank 8. Long Island Railroads 10. Boldest taste 11. Assistant 17. Established Saint, abbr 18. Humans’ cousins 19. “Drive on the __gh_ __ne!”

20. Director Welles 23. Social commerce AI 24. Shrek species 25. They know their stuff

The Tier of Tears

When you try to drop a class and Mr. Yu tells you to “represent women in STEM”

When someone mistakes you for a freshmen

AP Chemistry

When you are a freshmen When your teacher rounds down your grade

When

you fail an exam and the person next to AP CS exams you says “I got a hundred and didn’t study” When you’re studying When you pass by the When you want to ask a teacher for a and you fall asleep sophomore bar recommendation but you’re failing their class

When you get rejected by the Junior Caucus When you’re trying to work on a group project but your partners leave you on seen

When

your crush sees your ID photo

When

you spend five hours debugging your code and you realize that you forgot a bracket

When you need a 60 on Albert to get credit for a homework assignment but you get a 59 When you When you see couples make out in the hallway When it’s the “test” week fall down the Wheelie backpacks in the hallway When two people block the escalators stairs and land When you fall asleep in class When your teachers change in in front of a and get caught the middle of the semester senior

When you accidentally wave When you’re late to at the wrong person Spanish class *cough* Double science classes When you get locked out of the locker room Simon *cough* and your When you miss your train by a second When your phone dies and nobody has a portable charger teacher says “Afuera!”

Toilet paper runs out in the bathrooms

The moment you realize you changed for gym but it wasn’t a gym day

When

When there’s a fire drill during your free period and you’re trying to finish your homework due next period

Simon takes your headphones

When the scanner ladies yell at you Long Ferry’s line

Third floor girls bathroom towel dispenser

When you see a rat scampering around in the school

When a gym teacher tells you you have a “healthy chest”

When the escalator breaks down

The Spectator ● April 1, 2022

Page 29

Disrespectator _____________________________ (Mad Libs Title)

By ______________________ and ______________________ (Your Name)

(Favorite Spectator Editor)

You wake up from where you dozed off in your ___________ class. You stare at the clock, and it’s ___________ at night, and a feel(Subject)

(Time)

ing of ___________ blossoms in your ___________. You stand up, shaking the sleep from your ___________, and make your way to (Feeling)

(Body Part)

(Body Part)

the ___________, heading down to the bridge entrance. Testing the doors, you realize that ___________ has locked you in the school.

(Staff Member)

(Staircase)

You’re a ___________ student, so your immediate instinct is to ___________. Then you realize that you need to stay ___________. You (Adjective)

(Verb)

(Adjective)

(Animal)

(Adjective)

hear a ___________ sound behind you, and you turn to see a ___________ figure. You get a ___________ desire to ___________ (Adjective)

(Verb)

___________ , but instead you run back to the stairs up to the ___________ floor, hoping that ___________ is ___________ in the (Adverb Ending In -LY)

(Number Less Than 11)

(Teacher)

(Verb Ending In -ING)

halls. On the way to their classroom, you stumble across a room full of ___________ that you’ve never seen before. The door creaks (Plural Noun)

open, inviting you in, and you ___________ enter the room with a ___________ to defend yourself - after all, you can’t go in empty (Adverb Ending In -LY)

(Noun)

handed. Once you are in the room, you enter a ___________ state of ___________ and start hearing a group of people ___________ (Adjective)

(Noun)

(Verb Ending In -ING)

___________. You nudge the door shut and are ___________ to see that there are no other people in the room, and you begin to (Noun)

(Adjective)

___________. ___________ suddenly ___________ up behind you and you are ___________ by their presence. Your ___________ (Verb)

(Teacher)

(Verb)

(Adjective Ending In -ED)

(Organ)

immediately starts to feel ___________, and you immediately ___________, prompting a look of ___________ from the teacher.

(Adjective)

(Verb)

(Emotion)

“Your ___________ is turning ___________,” they say, and you glance in the window’s reflection to check. You instantly get distracted (Outer Body Part)

(Color)

though, by the ___________ falling outside. The temptation to go and ___________ is irresistible, and you ignore the cries of ___________ (Plural Noun)

(Verb)

(Emotion)

behind you and open the window, starting your careful descent down. As you go down, you are distracted from the sight of ___________by (Plural Noun)

the ___________ aroma of ___________ and are ___________ to investigate. ___________ forces you to come back in by telling you (Adjective)

(Noun)

(Adjective)

(Teacher)

they will ___________ you if you don’t reenter the building. You ___________ reenter and somehow found yourself in a ___________ con(Verb)

(Adverb Ending In -LY)

(Adjective)

versation about ___________ with ___________. It is now ___________ and you wonder why ___________ is still here but you’re too (Noun)

(Teacher)

(Time)

(Teacher)

___________ to ask. All of a sudden, the lights in the room turn ___________ and your ___________ starts to ___________. You turn (Adjective)

(Color)

(Same Outer Body Part)

(Verb Ending In -ING)

around and see ___________ dancing to ___________’s music while wearing a ___________ ___________ costume. In a very ___________ (Teacher)

(Artist)

(Adjective)

(Superhero)

(Adjective)

way, seeing them dance makes you feel ___________. You develop the urge to ___________ but ___________ is too ___________ for you (Feeling)

(Verb)

(Teacher)

(Adjective)

to have the ___________ to execute the action. You realize you are better off leaving ___________ alone in the ___________ and return (Teacher)

(Characteristic)

(Location In Stuyveasnt)

to the original classroom you found yourself in which has been ___________ turned into a midnight goat yoga session for ___________. You (Adverb)

(Description Of A Group Of People)

are too ___________ to question what’s going on and ___________ your way through the ___________ goats and back to the desk where (Adjective)

(Verb)

(Adjective)

you dozed off. You realize you have a project due for ___________, an essay due for ___________, and a Mad Libs to write for Spec (Subject)

(Subject)

before ___________ ___________ you. Thankfully, you realize the advantage of being at Stuyvesant overnight and not having to worry (Name)

(Verb)

about your ___________ commute so you have plenty of time to finish all your assignments. You’re more concerned about the fact that you (Length Of Time)

haven’t received a single call from your parents but open your phone to see some ___________ text messages from your ___________.

(Adjective)

(Person)

You do not have the ___________ to respond and decide instead to write your essay on ___________. As you open your laptop, you real(Noun)

(Absurd Pretentious Sounding Subject Matter)

ize you are at ___________ percent charge but you reduce your brightness immensely to push through but instead get distracted by vid(Number Between 0 To 100)

eos of ___________. After watching them for an hour, you go on a spiral of reading the Wikipedia sourced cite page on ___________.

(Phrase)

(Celebrity)

The next day dawns, and you glance up from your ___________th video on ___________, ___________. You start (Number)

(Emotion)

(Fruit)

to hear voices, and you see ___________ outside the room, trying to open the door. You immediately dive into the classroom’s

closet,

your

laptop

in

(Teacher)

your

arms,

and

after

___________ (Number)

minutes,

you

hear

students

chattering.

Taking

that

as

your cue to make an appearance, you slide out of the closet, the picture of nonchalance, and you slip into your seat, ready to begin your ___________th day of the school year. You have managed to survive staying overnight in the hellhole that is Stuyvesant.

(Tragically Long Number)

Fun Questions

Stuyvesant’s Secrets 1) In a 2012 cheating scandal, a Stuyvesant student was busted giving answers to what statewide exam?

2) What was the name of a sensual hotspot at Stuyvesant that was uncovered by the New York Magazine in 2006?

Guess the Teacher

Answer on the bottom of the page.

Hint: This teacher is a Stuyvesant alumni from 2012, and taught Global Studies in his first year at Stuyvesant.

Answers 1) Spanish Regents Exam 2) The Cuddle Puddle

Mr. David Wang

Page 30

The Spectator ● April 1, 2022

Disrespectator Spectator Members Go On Strike

By MUHIB MUHIB To begin the month of April, the publication of The Spectator has been indefinitely suspended! No, the administration didn’t shut down our newspaper again because we wrote some outlandish satire about them.

The publication has been halted after nearly all of The Spectator’s members (except for me) went on strike demanding a salary for their biweekly perseverance and effort.

Juniors and Editors-in-Chief Maya Nelson and Momoca Mairaj announced the suspension today, stating that, “We must unfortunately suspend production and distribution of The Spectator indefinitely, effective immediately. This is due to the fact

that members of The Spectator are insufficiently compensated for their devotion to this paper.

We sacrifice our lives for this paper, yet all it amounts to is measly fluff on our college applications. This distracts us from exams and college apps without good reason. Many of us have already failed the SAT and ACT thanks to this biweekly paper.

We urge all members of the paper to go on strike and demand salaries from the administration (even though we’re independently funded).”

Spectator editors walked out of the 10th period Advanced Journalism class (also referred to as Spec class) and protested outside of the school. The editors demanded to be paid by the administration for each article

they write. Junior and Humor editor Oliver Hollmann stated that, “For working my rear off for this paper, I should receive some sort of tangible benefit.

My members already bug me enough with mistakes in their articles.” The editors-in-chief also demanded salaries comparable to the pay of an editor at The New York Times. Their simple requests were rejected by the school administration, who were already pinching pennies after making the temporary IDs free. The school bathrooms would charge $0.50 to enter per use, the escalators would cost $5 per person per school day, and the school would no longer provide computers if the school were to pay the editors.

Spectator members joined

the protests shortly thereafter. They asked for homework passes to cover every homework assignment per semester, grades to be curved up mandatorily by 10 to 20 points if below an 80—all on top of monetary compensation. Principal Seung Yu stated, “This is asinine. The Spectator has been completely independent of our funding for nearly three decades. What even is this? They just want to skip homework! And they want us to curve their grades up by 10 to 20 points? At this point, are we even a school anymore?

Seriously, are we a college preparatory school or a bank savings account?”

Stuyvesant students reacted with disappointment that their beloved paper would be no

more. Freshman Winfred Ira stated, “No! Not our Spectator!

And I was meaning to apply! Now what can I brag to my friends about? My Genshin fanfic? I may as well transfer to Bronx Science!” Senior Seetha Ashish said, “The Spectator keeps me up to date on school happenings!

What will I do if it’s gone? Now how will I know if Stuy’s football team wins or if Hene Firdos is invited as a guest speaker?”

But alas, it appears that The Spectator will be no more.

The pulse of the student body has been removed, and without a pulse, the body is dead. I can no longer provide the pulse on my own, and even I desire the benefits my fellow members and editors seek. Farewell, dear reader.

The Trials of Peter Stuyvesant continued from page 1

I’ll be honest: the trials definitely got harder as time went by. A notable one was trial number nine, a test of physical endurance where we had to climb from the first floor to the 10th floor in less than five minutes. Trial number 45 was a test of mental strength and willpower, where we were first sleep-deprived and then challenged to not fall asleep while watching a historical docu-

mentary in a dim room. Others were less torturous. Trial number 69 was to write an article for every single Spectator department completely blindfolded, while trial 88 was to find and mark every single glass time capsule in the building in chronological order.

It sounds like you went through a lot of trouble for this, so what exactly was the treasure?

So at the end, after collecting all the chaos emeralds and infinity stones, we were

able to open up the locked door that led up to the 11th floor. To our utmost surprise, inside was a massive pool, easily the size of five Olympic swimming pools.

In the middle of this massive lake-like pool was a paddle board and a rolled up scroll of paper. As we later found out (after fishing out the paper using a 20-foot pole), it simply said that the real will of Peter Stuyvesant was on the back of the large piece of paper in the alcove behind the portrait on the second floor. It read

“Whoever holds this paper holds power over the school.

They are the law, and shall be treated as royalty.”

What are you going to do with your great, newfound power? (have you considered allowing full Humor takeover of Stuyvesant? *wink wink*) Great question. I honestly don’t know yet. At the moment, I’m considering establishing a dictatorship and ruling the school with an iron fist. I also thought about making some

quality of life changes. For instance, granting heavy funds to the Stuyvesant Flow club so we can decorate the entire school in lights, or leaving PSAL so we can focus on sports that actually matter, like cheese rolling or cheese curling.

This article will be updated by the Humor Department as more information comes from the PA and after the DOE’s decision regarding the appointment of our new headmaster.

Stuyvesant Math Department Shaken By Organized Crime Scandal

By CAROLINE PICKERING

The Stuyvesant community is in absolute uproar over the recent Pupilpath data leak exposing that the Math Department has been linked to several well-known, organized crime groups. In exchange for their silence and protection, they have been offering these groups the bottled essence of student suffering.

It is believed that some of the city’s top gangs have been buying these bottles from the Math Department for decades.

They were first approached by gangs in the mid ‘90s, when they discovered that the chemical

created by overstressed and overworked teenagers in math classes was an extremely good agent for promoting loyalty and control. In return, they were granted funding, much of which was either embezzled directly or laundered through the robotics team.

The weekly, painful exams that leave many students in tears along with lengthy, ridiculous, and completely unhelpful summer assignments that completely negate the point of a break, all coupled with the “evaluation” that no one grades or ever looks at, were part of the plan to make students’ lives miserable. There were siphons hidden throughout math

classrooms that absorbed the chemical releases caused by student stress. These were then bottled, and the transfer was made outside Pier 40.

We reached out to concerned parents, who expressed their dismay at the news.

“I can’t believe I let my daughter come here,” said one sophomore parent. “I knew we should have gone with Staten Island Tech. This treatment is unacceptable!”

“Yeah, that tracks,” one senior bluntly said after being told about the scandal while buying his third Monster of the day at Ferry’s.

We tried to reach out to Mr. Smith for a comment from

the Math Department, but he left our e-mail on “delivered” for almost a week. All that his eventual response contained was a message from a teacher we had already questioned earlier, vaguely saying that the accusations were “not true lol.”

Seeing that he was still trying to squeeze us for his fool’s gold, we decided to stop pursuing the Math Department for information. They have yet to release any official statement.

Unfortunately, while the investigation is taking place, we will still be forced to sit through the same math classes, despite the accusations of exploitation.

The administration has reminded students that all tests and

classes will continue as normal, and that your suffering being used for profit does not make learning any less important. In response, there will be a riot held in the Hudson Staircase during fourth period every day for the next week. Everyone is encouraged to light a fire, scream primally, and have a jolly good time.

Please note that any of the slander of the Math Department does NOT apply to Ms. Yang, who teaches AP Statistics during ninth period in room 429. She is a blessing and makes math class fun for me every day. Neither I nor any of her students would ever think to slander her!

ZOOM CALL©: The (Only) Latest Board Game Craze!

By ANJALI KARUNADASA There is no doubt that many of you have heard of the new ZOOM CALL© board game. Patented by the Obvious Shrub company, it has quickly become something of a pandemic novelty. Will we one day bring out these faded board game boxes for our children and rant to them about life in the ‘20s?

Who knows, but if you don’t have this game already, here's why you should get it!

The game comes with four miniature icon pieces to move around the board: a cat on a computer, a no mic symbol, a no video symbol, and a tiny broken wifi-router. This means you can play with as little as 1/3 of a person, or with up to four people (or more, if they don’t mind playing without an icon)! The idea of the game itself is fairly simple: it’s

like Candyland, but instead of using cards, you determine how many spaces to move forward by the roll of a die. Sometimes the dice glitch in and out of existence, so be careful not to lose them! When the game starts, if you roll below a three, you are considered late to the call and will have to skip a turn and make up an excuse for your tardiness (ex: Sorry, but I decided to move to Alaska and there’s a bit of a time difference).

There are many different types of spaces on the board, ranging from question spaces (where you will have to answer a multiple choice question with no context at all since you haven’t been paying attention to the call) to spaces that will send you back five spaces because your internet is shaky. The fickle, luck-based nature of the game reminds us of our chances of success in the online Zoom class-

es of days past. If you manage to reach the end of the board game—which many people don’t, since they almost always land on a “call disconnected due to error” space—there is absolutely no reward and the instructions say to take your piece back to the starting square, allowing for potentially infinite (and eventually depression-inducing) gameplay!

Even the art on the game board reflects the Zoom call experience, with the game featuring highly detailed art in some spots but, more often than not, stick figure drawings done with ballpoint pen and disjointed notes. The board also leaves blank spots for you to decorate with your own horrible artwork, or simply for you to leave blank if you’re too lazy. Most of the artwork is done in the penwork of the whiteboard feature, with stiff lines and bright colors. If

you happen to shift around the playing board during the middle of a game, the whiteboard aspect of the art will become even more apparent, as the drawings will stay in the same location relative to the surface you are playing on. Shift the board too far, and the art ends up forever embedded in your antique wooden table! Yet another feature of ZOOM CALL© that makes for intense gameplay!

ZOOM CALL© has also received many positive reviews from students and teachers alike. Sophomore Obama Kare says, “I love this game. It lets me return to a time when I thought that I knew what I was doing in Stuyvesant… before all the paper homework assignments and broken escalators, *Sighhh* I guess I am getting old…” Another player, a freshman named Medi Kaide, says, “Ha! This game is fun! I used

the whiteboard art to tattoo my brother’s limited edition among us plushy! REVENGE!!!!” As for teachers, many like to enjoy this game during their off-hours and even when students are having exams or working on classwork.

Mr. Dirt, an AP environment teacher, says, “Yeah, I love playing this game when the students are taking tests. I think it makes them jealous, and it also distracts me from the sounds of sobbing I hear during the exam!

Totally a 10/10 game!”

By now, this game’s appeal is surely clear! This mockery of Zoom calls lets us go back and make fun of the confusing classes we once had to endure. You can order your ZOOM CALL© today at this link: Rick Astley Never Gonna Give You Up (Official Music Video) - YouTube.

Darn, it included the title, didn’t it…

The Spectator ● April 1, 2022

Page 31

Disrespectator Kermit Takes a Stand

By KRISTA PROTEASA Elections are stressful, especially high school Student Union elections. The amount of amateur graphic design on Picsart that goes into the posters is absolutely stunning. Not to mention that choosing a candidate to vote for is dizzying—I mean, will a prospective candidate’s desire to replace the social studies requirement with interpretive dance even pass?

Who’s getting the money for this?

But what if I told you that I could eliminate 100 percent of this stress and confusion for you? Well, dear Specta-

tor reader, I can, for Kermit the Frog has made it onto the ballot for every position in the Stuyvesant Student Union. How he did this escapes me, but I did see Ms. Piggy walking out of room 260 with particularly bloody hands.

As Kermit the Frog sets off to accomplish his dream of tyrannical reign, the rest of us have but to watch as he squeals down the hallways on the fourth floor shouting, “Less math, more meth!” He has also been spotted in the senior atrium, violently inhaling the leftover citric acid from the sour gummies one of my friends shared with me.

How he retrieved the package I threw out at the bottom of

the trash can is beyond me, but he seemed very frazzled, especially when Mr. Moran came and confiscated his ID for skipping class. Classic Kermit.

This week, after tenth period, Kermit made his political debut on the bridge by handing out pamphlets. He claimed that they listed all his intended policies, but they were really just pamphlets from Planned Parenthood detailing the various types of birth control. I will say, the section on IUDs is certainly a compelling read.

But that’s not all. Kermit has also already gotten banned from every single deli in New York City for his erratic campaigning. He would run into the

shops wielding a pool noodle shouting that “the Antichrist is upon us!” He should probably look in a mirror to solidify his argument.

Making his way back to Stuy after facing the same fate at Terry’s, Mr. the Frog barged into the SU room and proceeded to consume every opposing promotional poster he found.

Sorry if you had any intentions of running against the behemoth known as Kermit. After shredding the papers, he flailed his way down the second floor at the astonishing velocity of 344 m/s, causing sonic booms wherever his floppy feet landed. The Physics Department never ran out of experiments again.

His dreams of totalitarian rule were crushed when he tried to walk past the senior bar with his AirPods Max Pro Double Plus HD Hydro-Ultra 15s. They were promptly confiscated, and it was then revealed that Kermit the Frog was actually three large ducks in a trenchcoat trying their hardest to replicate Kermit-like noises using the ‘Pods.

With the trench coat unbuttoned, the ducks scurried away, never to be seen again. Legend has it they still waddle to their local lemonade stands in humble search for grapes. Alas, with Kermit gone, many of you should sleep with one eye open tonight.

Ms. Piggy is still out there grieving.

The Battle of The Labyrinth: Stuyvesant Edition

By ANJALI KARUNADASA and MICHELLE HUANG One would think that the various mint-green doors blending into the walls of the hallways of our school are simply utility closets, but what if we told you that they’re something far more exciting and surprising?

One dull winter’s day, the kind that makes you almost grateful to take the subway simply for its warmth and the kind where the outside air smells brisk and clear, junior Dèez Nûts decided to skip class under the pretense of going to the bathroom. “It was just so boring, you know, listening to Mr. McClellan ranting about Uranium-235. I had to get out of there or I was going to explode from boredom, just like those nuclear bombs,” he said during an interview. “So I was walking down the hall and I saw this door… Just one of those regular closet doors, y’know…” He went on to say that the door swung open (almost hitting him in the face) and out came a batteredlooking, exhausted Stuyvesant student. Nûts was surprised and curious, so he caught the door behind the kid and peered into the dark passageway that was clearly NOT a storage closet. Seeing this as a moment for financial gain, he ran to The Spectator and offered to tell us his story in exchange for some money (instead, we paid him with free cookies). After interviewing him, we knew we had to do some fact-checking before we published our story; in other words, we had to send in a reporter.

After selecting an easily replaceable freshie to do the job, we taped a GPS tracker to their sternum and (after hacking the elevator controls) sent them down the freight elevator to the basement, reportedly one of the easiest ways to access the tunnels. The tracker immediately stopped working once they went underground (it’s incredible how bad our tech is for a STEM school), but we decided to leave the freshie in there just to see what would happen.

After four hours and 20 minutes of no contact, we finally found the freshie reporter dangling outside the windowsill after we heard loud banging on the window. After they were pulled in, they trembled for a few seconds before telling their tale.

What Dèez Nûts had seen behind the door was a passageway leading into a labyrinth of dark steam tunnels. Walking through them was like walking through a mental haze, one that was only interrupted by the occasional scream or clanking of metal. Our reporter passed a huge variety of doors, all decorated to match the contents within. One door, decorated with tigers, elephants, red pandas, and snow leopards, opened to reveal a zoo full of exotic (and illegal?) animals. Our reporter saw endangered elephants and gorillas, monkeys hammering out analyses of Shakespearean sonnets while chugging coffee, and elves dancing around a pile of burning papers. There was also a giant slug in the corner of the room who appeared to be grading test papers. A ti-

ger lunged at our reporter, who quickly slammed the door shut.

Another door was gold and platinum and silver, with huge tacky diamonds spelling out “CASH MONEY,” advertising one of many defunct casinos once owned by the 45th president of the United States (say his name three times and you will suddenly be unvaccinated and conservative). A third door depicting imagery of owls, snakes, and books revealed a tall library with a huge stained glass skylight and spiraling bookshelves that reached up to the ceiling.

Don’t ask how that was possible in an underground room—we don’t know either. The freshie then picked up a paper and gasped in surprise, realizing that it held the answers to the long and grueling geometry test they had just taken. They denied staying in the library room any longer, but this statement was directly contradicted by the numerous papers titled “Answer Key” spilling out of their backpack. All of these doors were mysterious and enticing, but our reporter seemed to be most disturbed by one.

This door that struck such fear was relatively unassuming; it was made of wood and stained with splatters of red. Our reporter was concerned for a second until they saw a stain that looked vaguely like an Among Us character. “Hehe, red sus,” they said to themselves while opening the door, having forgotten about the possible dangers ahead. This door opened into the spectator box of a huge arena, with crowds cheering on both sides. Our reporter looked

closer at the crowds, trying to get more information on what was happening. They saw some sky-blue hoodies with bubbly letters saying “Pro Scientia Atque Sapientia,” red t-shirts with the number 694 on them, sweatshirts with the letters SITHS, and seagull-themed merch. Many people looked like they had just come from school, with backpacks and jackets still in hand. Was this some strange, underground Star Wars convention for students? On either side of the arena, two prison doors with bars constructed of mashed-up textbooks and ancient Chromebooks creaked open. Two young, sleep-deprived teenagers emerged: one wore a red shirt with “LA High School for Music and Art” on it (maybe they’re from California? who knows) and held a paint tray full of non-toxic pre-K paints and a brush ready to splatter someone at a moment’s notice. The other donned a SITHS hoodie, matching the audience, and held a hefty textbook along with a cup of steaming coffee. The realization of what was going on hit our reporter like a truck filled with cement.

“Oh my god… that’s disgusting! A student from Staten Island Tech!” The Staten Island Tech student circled the poor kid with the red shirt (who was futilely flinging paints left and right and singing opera). LA… LA stood for LaGuardia! A barbaric fight club for students from specialized high schools, hiding right under the best of those schools! What monster could let this slide? Unable to watch anymore, our reporter

turned and ran, throwing open the door they had just come from. They dashed through it, not watching where they were going, and somehow, rather than going back in the labyrinth, ended up on the roof of Stuy.

Losing their balance from the forward momentum or something (I don’t know how physics works; I’m in AP Environmental Science), our poor reporter fell off the roof. Hurling past the 11th floor, they managed to gather their chad strength and charisma and grabbed onto the edge of a window as they flew by. Desperately scratching at the window to be let in, they quickly scrambled in and fell into the classroom. Because our reporter is the main character, they looked up to see that they had coincidentally landed in the classroom Humor was using for its meeting, surrounded by writers excited to document what had gone down.

After we had heard their strange, twisted tale, we rushed to the principal’s office and kicked down the door (sorry, Principal Yu) to tell the administrators about the many illegal activities occurring underground. Academic dishonesty?

Animal trafficking? Betting on fights? Unfortunately, no one believed our strange story, so we had to publish it ourselves.

The crime and debauchery going on cannot continue; what damage would the fight club do to Stuyvesant’s reputation? Administration must shut it down and use the tunnels for something better, lest Stuyvesant dissolve into chaos and ruin.

Ice Skating on the Hudson Club

By SARA HELLER It’s a well-known fact that for decades the Hudson River has been a repository for all kinds of waste: slimes, radioactive material, dead mobsters, and who-knows-what else. And yet, when it freezes overnight, a sophomore decides to start an ice skating club, because what other thought could one have upon seeing a frozen river other than, “Aha! An ice skating rink!”?

You might be wondering who would come up with the mad idea of an ice skating club in the first place. And on the HUDSON? Well, the answer is that it’s someone who’s trying to make a last-ditch effort at being able to put “started a club” on their college resume.

You may also be thinking that nobody’s crazy enough to join such a club… but you’d be wrong.

Three days passed before

the first incident occurred.

A handful of students on ice skates flailing down the hallways, screaming as though their lives depended on it, brought attention to the situation. They had seen something in the Hudson. The Great Principal himself decided to check out what exactly they had seen, and promptly proceeded to lock himself in his office for the rest of the month. “It was horrible,” one student commented, “like nothing you’ve ever seen before.”

When the terrifying object was finally removed from the ice, nobody knew what to do with the horrid thing: a hideous fur cape with the word “Stuyvesant” embossed on it in an awful neon-orange color— obviously a gym uniform from ancient times. It was too big to fit in a trash can, and they certainly weren’t going to carry it around in public, so the school

hung it on the wall instead.

Yes, it was the most disturbing thing anyone had ever seen, but the club needed a mascot!

A few days later, the ice skating club was at it again.

They had been skating around, doing arabesques and triple axels and such, when suddenly they came face-to-face with Dr. Markova’s Polar Bear gym class, who were practicing running on ice with bare feet. In a competition for who would claim the Hudson, the two clubs tried curling (and they both failed terribly).

But that couldn’t deter the ice skating club; this was a resilient bunch! Why should they stop? Certainly not because of a fight with Markova and a wounded ego! So, soon afterward, the group was back on the ice, though the club had shrunk a good deal since the last meeting. They confidently skated around, doing arabesques and

triple axels over the dangerously thin ice. And, of course, the inevitable happened: one of the freshmen, in an attempt to do a quad-axel, fell through the ice. The rest of the ice skaters frantically searched for their missing member, who had mysteriously disappeared off the face of the Hudson. Finally, after two hours of fishing out old volleyballs and ancient lab packets, they dragged out the frozen freshman, who was mysteriously stained green.

The disgruntled student eventually thawed, though they were a bit peeved about being permanently stained green (the color wouldn’t wash off even after 10 bleach baths). And in the face of five different lawsuits, the ice skating club finally admitted defeat and disbanded.

Though this decision wasn’t really up to them, since there most definitely already was a law that prohibited skating on

the Hudson.

“Everyone knew the club wouldn’t work,” the faculty advisor of the ice skating club said. “I mean, us teachers made bets on when they would give up… I lost $20.” The sophomore that started it all was also asked to comment, and she said, “What happened on the Hudson stays on the Hudson.

Also, I’m not going to be quoted for a Humor article.”

When the ice finally melted, everyone breathed a sigh of relief. To mark the occasion, the school joined together to tear the hideous fur cape from the wall, tie it to a boulder, and throw it in the Hudson. No trace of the ice skating club remained, and it was, for the most part, forgotten entirely.

But, as we all know, history repeats itself. And the swim team is getting too big to fit in the swimming pool…

The Spectator ● April 1, 2022

Page 32

Disrespectator The Lion, the Broom, and the Closet

By RAYMOND CHEN Every day, the students of Stuyvesant ponder some of the most pressing queries of our age. Among these questions, one concern towers over all others: what’s behind the custodian doors? For years, this puzzling issue has eluded some of the brightest minds of Stuyvesant, but today, one brave Humor writer reports their first-hand account of the labyrinth behind these mysterious doors. *** I had always wondered what was behind the custodian doors. These entrances, sprinkled across the building, are surrounded by openable doors, but the ease with which they can be entered does not match that of their peers.

Every 40 minutes, while their neighbors open their doors to the happy [citation needed*] pilgrims of Stuyvesant, these blocks (worse than senseless things) reject all arrivals. No matter the customs that surround them (or the pitiable folks asking for entry), these doors remain shut. I once tried asking the doors why they wouldn't open, but they simply stood there, expressionless.

That was where my suspicions began: why would these doors stand so menacingly all day, next to the bathroom of all places? What are they trying to do, or rather, what are they trying to hide? I had to

know.

I first tried to force my way through these doors, but they didn’t move an inch. I even opened the fire alarms (yes, that was me at the start of the school year), but they didn’t even flinch at the sound.

I kept trying for an entire week before I gave up and decided to bypass the doors by digging into the rooms instead.

It took five months and a few hundred plastic spoons (thank you, cafeteria), but I eventually got through the wall separating the bathroom and the inaccessible ninth floor custodian room. Surprisingly enough, I don’t think anyone noticed the hole in the wall (perhaps the view outside the window is too enchanting, or maybe holes in a wall are just a normal occurrence at Stuyvesant).

I first pushed my backpack through the hole and then finally wiggled into the room on the other side. *** The room was more spacious than I had initially thought. It was narrow, but surprisingly long: some 60-odd feet from the door to the end of the room. Across its entire length, the walls were covered with overlapping layers of paper titled “Hallway Etiquette.”

At its end, the room connected to a hallway three times its length.

Compared to the room, the hall looked relatively barren.

There were few features in the hallway except for three unmarked doors, each spaced out across the cartoonish distance.

This was when my curiosity started gnawing again. Why would the custodian doors, in their infinite resilience, guard nothing of interest? There must be something here. After checking my watch for time, I decided to thoroughly explore this hallway, whatever it took.

Walking to the first unmarked door, I half-expected it to be locked, but it opened without any trouble. Eagerly, I looked behind the door to see a gray stairwell with the words “First Hudson Staircase” emblazoned above. Despite its proud name, the stairwell was a disappointment: no PDA or hard drugs.

With my excitement slightly bruised, I went to open the second unmarked door. Like the first one, the second door easily opened; but instead of a stairwell, the door opened to a closet room.

This room appeared to be storing arms: lying on the left and right walls of the room were four wooden shields, each manufactured from a heater cover section and a piece of metal stapled to the back; and along the back wall, there was a stack of 30 hand sanitizer bottles with the words “Holy Water” fiercely scribbled across the labels.

Above the stack, a sign read

“Containment Armory: Employees Only.”

Walking to the third unmarked door, I was distracted by something at the end of the hallway. Straight down the hall, I saw a locked metal gate guarding something too dark to see. Naturally curious, I shined my flashlight beyond the bars and peered all the way to the first floor.

To my shock, I glimpsed a pod of hungry Staten Island Tech students wading through the puddle at the bottom. Frantically looking around, I found a sign in front that read, “DO NOT FEED THEM. They are not friendly.”

Before I could process what I was seeing, the pod scattered and some of the students began climbing toward my light. They got to the fifth floor before I threw my flashlight into the puddle and heard the climbing cease.

Slightly reassured, but still shaken by the climbers, I decided to continue to the third unmarked door.

The third door opened to a panel of buttons and two large screens, each carrying the image of a gray stairwell in two separate locations. Looking around, I didn’t see any labels or signs on the walls or on the buttons, but while I was frantically searching the room for information, I saw two backpacked figures running up the stairs in the left panel. Realizing what the camera was

surveying, I ran to the closet room to retrieve a shield and a bottle of the “Holy Water.”

Running to the first door, I heard loud footsteps behind it, and as I opened the door, I came face-to-face with a Tech student (unfazed by their nine-floor sprint). They lunged at me as I tried to push them back into the stairwell with my shield. As we struggled, I saw my assailant’s companion behind them and I uncapped my bottle. Pouring the sanitizer on their flesh, the struggling student screamed in pain as their skin burned beneath the holy liquid. Seeing this, their companion fled back down the stairs, leaving their compatriot to die.

As my assailant dissolved into the floor, I ran out of the hall with my shield and backpack, emptying the bottle on the doorway. As I approached the custodian door, I frantically prepared to pass through the hole to the bathroom. First throwing my backpack through the gap, I then dived through, blocking the passage with the shield afterwards.

Still reeling from the excitement, I checked my watch as I leaned on the bathroom wall, but (to my surprise) barely five minutes had gone by since I had entered the room.

Confused, but also vaguely relieved, I walked away from that strange place and never returned.

Prank Suggestions From Humor Members!

By THE HUMOR DEPARTMENT Call From Mom Call your best friends from an anonymous caller ID and claim that you’re their parents. That way, you can trick them into thinking that their mom actually loves them. One hit K.O. — Eshaal Ubaid

Switcheroo!

Remember the horrors of seemingly nonsensical program switches back in February? Hehe…

This prank is relatively simple: hack into Talos with the knowledge you gained from Intro to Comp Sci, and press the big red button that says “Make students’ lives miserable again!” From there, you will see a slider asking how much more misery they need. CRANK IT ALL THE WAY TO THE MAX, AND WATCH THE SCHEDULES BURN DOWN! Freshmen getting AP Calculus BC? Seniors getting Art Appreciation? Sophomores getting AP Swim Gym? Anything is possible now! — Ryan Peng

Fly You prank your friend epically by throwing them out of a plane 25,000 feet in the air, but don’t worry, because you made sure that they put on a backpack with a parachute right before they jumped. But wait—that one guy on Omegle said that your original prank was boring, so you upped the amp by giving them a dummy parachute instead of a real one. LOL! — Vincent D'Angelo The Early Bird Having a class earlier in the day isn’t that bad when you consider how much power you have over the students who have the same class later in the day. After you have a test and people from later periods ask you how it was, exaggerate the difficulty as if it wasn’t that bad and lie about how easy it was even if it was actually super hard. EZ mind games—and the best part is that you can do this all year and people will still fall for it.

— Christian Kim

Mind Tricks Wave enthusiastically to a stranger in the hallway and say "Good to see you again!" You'll leave them doubting themselves and wondering who you are for a while… — Abigail Jin Meta Prank 1. Forget that you were supposed to submit a prank for The Disrespectator (the horror).

2. While playing Duck Life in the middle of Social Studies, suddenly remember that you were supposed to submit a prank for The Disrespectator.

3. Sneakily switch to the article document and submit a meta prank.

4. Don’t forget to change everything to Comic Sans with 13 pt font and drop a rickroll link before leaving. https://youtu.be/xvFZjo5PgG0 — Anjali Karunadasa

Shift Dimensions Spontaneously During Class Unfortunately, class can get a bit monotonous at times, but what if it didn’t have to? If you thought that your teachers were pranking you with work, the real prank here is on your teachers because they never liked you in their classes anyway. So, to ease everyone's suffering, why not suddenly morph into a two-dimensional glob on the ground for a minute, just like you were meant to be? I call that a master prankster move.

They can't give you any more work and you physically can't respond to their endless demands. You get double the prank when you realize that the third dimension of your existence is responsible for most of your problems. Haha! That’ll get ‘em real good. — Krista Proteasa

Don’t Do This I just want to preface this with the disclaimer that you should NOT do the following: - DO NOT buy a large French baguette at Terry’s for $5.32.

- DO NOT go down to Battery Park near the river and use the baguette to attract a large flock of seagulls.

- DO NOT exercise caution to keep the baguette out of their range. They WILL attempt to take it from you by force. Greedy little bastards.

- DO NOT tear pieces off the baguette to make a trail and lure the birds to the first floor entrance.

- DO NOT toss the baguette into the school while being careful that the security guards can’t see your face.

- DO NOT hold the door open as the swarm of sky rats flood into the school.

- DO NOT make your escape via the Chambers Street Station.

I want to re-emphasize that under NO circumstances are you allowed to perform the actions listed above on June 28, 2022, 3:15 p.m. EST, even if it would be kinda funny. — Ethan Lam

Something’s Fishy Step 1: Get a massive pot of fish sauce.

Step 2: Steal a friend’s or family member’s phone and wrap it in plastic.

Step 3: Throw the phone into the sauce.

Step 4: Hide all the spoons.

Step 5: Call the phone.

Step 6: Watch as your unfortunate victim wriggles through the gigantic pot of fish sauce in an attempt to find it.

Bonus: If they manage to “save” their phone, it’ll smell for weeks—and they will too! — Sara Heller

Faking Your Death and Fleeing to the Italian Countryside Do you want a prank that will have your family and friends in absolute tears (from laughter)? Then try faking your death today! Stage an assassination, make an elaborate replica of your corpse to be found floating in the Hudson River, or be sentenced to execution for your many war crimes in former Yugoslavia—the possibilities are endless!

Once you have successfully faked your death, you can go live the life you always wanted with no strings attached!

If I ever disappear under mysterious circumstances, I did not flee to the Italian countryside. There is absolutely no way that I am currently sitting in a cafe outside of Venice sipping an espresso and purchasing a remote, coastal cottage from a man named Luigi using money from a Swiss bank account. That would be ridiculous. — Carolin Pickering

History Repeats Itself Go to your middle school and meet with your old teachers. Offer to tell the kids some helpful alumni advice, and then gush about how awesome high school is and that the best decision of your life was choosing Stuyvesant. Romanticize Stuy and tell them they’ll have so much fun, but don’t give any details. Allured by your mysterious, somewhat sensual promises, these children will spend all of eighth grade trying to get in. When they do eventually get accepted, laugh as the children’s souls are crushed and they realize that everything you told them was a lie; the only sensual thing here at Stuy is the Hudson staircase. Do this with every new bunch of eighth graders. They’ll never stop believing you! — Michelle Huang

The Mental Breakdown Go to your guidance counselor’s office and fake a mental breakdown in order to skip class. It’ll be so funny, especially when you realize that the tears are real and that they won’t stop. — ­ Finn Charest

A Game of Chickens Release three chickens into the school and let them run wild. Number the chickens “One,” “Two,” and “Four.” When the school administration finds out about the chickens and goes on a wild goose chase trying to catch them, they’ll spend a lot of time trying to find the chicken numbered “Three,” even though such a chicken doesn’t exist. Is this evil? Yes. Is there a high possibility of getting expelled? Yes, but it’s all worth it.

— Aniket Roy