Issue 12 Volume CVII

Page 1

The Disrespectator The Stuyvesant High School Newspaper

Volume 107  No. 12

“The Angery Reaccs of the Student Body” stuyspec.com

March 31, 2017

NEWSBEAT

Disrespectator content on pages 1-4 and 25-28

Many students were forced to

The Spectator News Department Finally Publishes the Truth

sleep in tiny crevices dispersed throughout the hallways after security guards began a drive to remove “bad hombres” from Stuyvesant’s floors.

E

“ ggs, bacon, and cheese on a roll” sandwich option has been discontinued at Ferry’s.

News

Department writers were forced to study Kellyanne Conway and publish alternative facts out of sheer boredom after failing to find real news that was actually interesting to read.

Increased

amounts of students taking laps around Asphalt Green after a proposal to offer gym frees to PSAL athletes resulted in a surge of membership for athletic teams.

New

Messenger “react to messages” and Messenger Day updates caused an increase in the number of students caught “angery” reacting on mobile devices during class.

By SHAMEEK RAKSHIT On a day during this month, a change occurred in the school’s policy for something—something important, mind you not. Although the administration announced this development three weeks ago, the writer had to study for his AP Chemistry exam. Fortunately for the author, a slow news week convinced his editors to publish this article. Here’s where I get to the important details of this policy change. Having fallen asleep during the three-hour long School Leadership Team (SLT) meeting, however, this task has proven especially difficult for the author. Nonetheless, the reporter can take solace in the fact that the new policy is common knowledge amongst students by now and that the news ceased to be relevant even before I began writing about it. Furthermore, 95 percent of the student body will have stopped reading this article right around now. For you—the 5 percent—who have chosen to continue reading this article, I will attempt to tell you the tale of how this policy change came to be. “So you’re telling me that I pushed for this change? It’s been so long that I don’t even remember. Sorry,

Improvements

made to Stuyvesant’s escalators do not last more than a week after students purposely destroyed them and demanded that they are able to be treated equally as any other New Yorker and simply walk.

Senior

Stiven Peter shocked the world by offering to write an article outlining his opposition to the Stuyvesant Masculinists Club. Yes, you read that right. Opposition.

a fire on Tuesday, March 28, to force all anti-masculinists out of the school.

ulations, you played yourself.” Eventually, the writer was able to enter the principal’s fortress. “You know I really value The Spectator,” Interim Acting Principal Eric Contreras said. “I set up fake meetings to fill my schedule, lock my door, and hire the best guards—I mean secretaries—but you guys still manage to get through. You don’t see determination like that these days.” In a last ditch effort to gain some meaningful insight for this meaningless article, the writer did the unthinkable and approached the Assistant Principal of Organization. “Wait, you’re

from The Spectator? I thought someone finally volunteered to help me with these AP forms. Go away,” she said. After the writer persisted in his attempts to get a quote, the A.P. responded, “Cash me ousside. Howbow dah?” Since deadlines were approaching quickly, the writer ignored interviewing protocol and private messaged his friends for the student perspective on the issue. “Yo, it’s 2:00 a.m. wyd my guy? hmu with math hw im tryna pass this class too,” an anonymous source said.

PTC Evasion Methods By Daniel Knopf and Katie Wu While many parents insist on attending Parent Teacher Conferences (PTC) as an opportunity to slip a Franklin to teachers, most students dread PTC. “It’s the night my parents gossip with my teachers about why I am a disappointment,” junior Vivien Lee said. Rather than improving their grades or talking with their teachers, many students have decided that the best way to mitigate the potential damage of PTC is simply to prevent their parents from meeting their teachers. Below are some of the evasion methods students have employed. 1) One popular strategy employed by students involves hiring a friend to pose as a fake teacher. Students convincing their parents often call these teachers “student teachers.”

Many upperclassmen use PTC as an opportunity to make some money and fund their more pricey addictions, like Supreme clothing, Yeezys, and hot food from Whole Foods. “I don’t even need the money, but I just like it when other people have even less money,” junior Holden Higgins said. 2) Another common practice is for students to cross out their names immediately after their parents sign up on the sheet. “I’ve seen my parents punch other parents because they thought their name was crossed out by a line-cutter,” sophomore William Wang said. 3) Many Stuyvesant students with parents who do not speak English employ the “alternate translation” strategy. These students simply escort their parents to PTC and claim that they will translate for them. “My teachers must think that

my parents are insane since they started cheering after my teachers said I was cutting too much,” junior Gregory Zeng said. “Too bad for my parents—I guess they didn’t realize it was opposite day.” 4) One increasingly less common method is to get the teacher terribly sick right before PTC. This method, nicknamed “Sneesus Christ,” is very risky because it may not work, and it often places the student in uncomfortable and precarious situations. “I’ve only seen one kid desperate enough to use ‘Sneesus Christ’. When he saw the teacher yawning, he ran up and sneezed directly into the teacher’s mouth,” sophomore Oliver Ripps said, shuddering. “It was disgusting and horrifying, but his teacher couldn’t come to PTC, so I guess it was worth it.”

Christine Jegarl / The Spectator

The Masculinists Club started

but I can’t be bothered by you muckrakers,” Student Union (SU) Vice President Tahseen Chowdhury said in an e-mail interview. Despite the student body having an obvious lack of interest in the topic, the reporter approached the school administration to get the quotes for an acceptable article. “Did you schedule an appointment 13 months in advance? The open-door policy doesn’t apply to The Spectator—otherwise we’d be really bored here,” the principal’s secretary asked as she skimmed through President Donald Trump’s latest book, “The Art of Getting Rid of Journalists.” In the meantime, another principal’s secretary furiously typed away at her computer in an attempt to continue her record year-long streak of snubbing reporters. In a stroke of luck, the Assistant Principal of Safety, Student Affairs, and Health and Physical Education Brian Moran was walking towards his office. The writer decided that this would be a good opportunity to gauge what Moran thought about the issue, so he asked for an interview. “Wait, are you recording this on your cellphone? Sorry, but I’m going to have to confiscate that,” Moran said as he removed the device from the writer’s hands. “Congrat-

Student Admitted to Meme Rehab After Near-Fatal Meme Overdose By Nishmi Abeyweera and Eliza Spinna Junior Daniel Ju was admitted to the Meme Rehabilitation Center on Saturday, April 1, after a meme overdose triggered by 29 hours of viewing memes non-stop. Ju was last seen waiting in line with many other fellow memers to be admitted to the center’s highly expensive, highly exclusive Meme Rehab for Millennials (MRM) Program. Stuyvesant recommended the facility after several teachers noticed that Ju was talking

to himself in a “Kermit” style voice. “There were lots of signs. One day [Ju] came into class and start uncontrollably dabbing while screaming that he was ‘dabbing through the galaxy.’ Another day, on a test, he would answer ‘Harambe’ to every problem,” Chemistry teacher Michael Orlando said. Ju’s closest friends also noticed the dark changes he had undergone. Initially, Ju would occasionally share marginally humorous mainstream meme videos. However, over time, his fun pastime developed into a se-

rious condition. He spent hours searching for the juiciest memes in the far corners of the Internet. By the end, Ju had discovered every last meme on the Internet. At this point, Ju began to take drastic and clinically unhealthy measures: creating his own memes. He cultivated these memes to be funnier, more obscure, and more potent than other memes. “While the memes Ju shared on his Facebook wall had never really been funny, his own creations were even more wack,” sophomore George Shey said. All the while, he was showing

signs of a serious condition. Ju isolated himself from his friends and family, tagged classmates in an average of 257 different memes a day, and shared his “home-grown” memes, begging others to share them to increase his so-called Memer Fanbase. Finally, Ju’s peers, teachers, and family members had enough. Ju was forced to attend the rehab facility by an “angery” (as he called them) mob. Minutes before his admission, he posted his one last call for help—his last meme: “Why are the meme police here?”

Unfortunately, few treatments are known for meme addiction. Awareness is at an alltime low for this fatal disease. Thus, most meme addiction cases go undiagnosed and untreated. Fortunately, Ju’s specialists are already reporting rapid improvements, and he is expected to return to Stuyvesant soon. Doctors hope that Ju will be able to spend more time focusing on his 19 AP classes and less time “angery reacting” the various memes he views on Facebook.


Turn static files into dynamic content formats.

Create a flipbook
Issuu converts static files into: digital portfolios, online yearbooks, online catalogs, digital photo albums and more. Sign up and create your flipbook.