Volume 110, Issue 12

Page 1

THE DISRESPECTATOR

“The Pulsating Student Body”

The |— 6 ft —| Stuyvesant |— 6 ft —| High |— 6 ft —| School |— 6 ft —| Newspaper

stuyspectator.com

End Of The World, 2020

Volume 39  No. tebooks on Imperialism DISRESPECTATOR

DISRESPECTATOR

Game of Stuy

Thank You, Principal Contreras

Homesick for Stuy since schools have closed? Look no further than this Game of Stuy.

A thank you note to our beloved dictator, Principal Eric Contreras.

see pages 4 and 29

see page 3

DISRESPECTATOR CONTENT ON PAGES 1-4 AND 29-32 HUMORBEAT School continues as normal. Hazmat dresses and tuxedos have been introduced just in time for prom. The two to four escalators are way ahead of the curve on self-quarantine.

The Student Union screened “Five Feet Apart” (2019) for movie night. Swim gym has been temporarily moved to your shower. The Big Sib Chairs announce that Open House will be held in the Stuy building on the stuy.world Minecraft server.

By VERONIKA KOWALSKI and HELENA WILLIAMS With recent outbreaks of a new type of coronavirus (SARS-CoV-2, also called Boomer Doomer) reported globally, you may be worried about contracting this illness. While the coronavirus can be serious, taking preventative measures like drinking hand sanitizer and aggressively hoarding masks will definitely protect you from it. If you develop symptoms such as sneezing or a dry cough, continue to attend school. Spread your germs to as many potential carriers of disease as possible to convince Mayor Bill de Blasio to shut schools down. Protecting Yourself Against the Coronavirus Wash your hands with soap and water to mini-

Report Card Dictionary By VERONIKA KOWALSKI Report cards recently came out, and I’d like to clear the air. There isn’t nearly enough room in those tiny boxes to express just how brilliant us teachers think you all are. For those of you wondering what those cryptic messages really mean, here’s a heads up: Highly motivated and cooperative This is the epitome of the comment I can give. Words cannot express how much I enjoy having you in my classroom, especially these words. I worship you as a student. The thoughts and ideas you bring up bring joy to me each day. Now, please stop stalking my office during my lunch period. Shows a great deal of effort As the old adage goes, try your best, but be honest with yourself: was that really your best?

Oh my GOD, my heart goes out to any other teacher who has to have you as a student. I sympathize with anyone else who needs to isolate a student dur-

Is making steady progress I’ve enjoyed seeing you grow as an individual over the course of the year. I’m glad you’ve found motivation for opening your textbook because I don’t want to spend the summer with you either. That counts as an improvement, right? You’re literally at rock bottom, and I’m glad you don’t have enough brainpower to use a pickaxe. Active participant Splendid. You’re doing everything you possibly can to achieve that sought-after B average in the “participation” section of your grade. It’s obvious that you eagerly offer to erase the board after class purely out of your love of polar curves and the kindness of your heart. The next step is raising your hand when I ask you to explain the logic behind the binomial theorem. Outstanding homework Remember the time I kept your homework as an continued on page 2

to, disinfectant wipes, alcohol solution, and three boxes of latex gloves. Carry everything but—no, scratch that—carry everything with you, even the kitchen sink. • If you can’t wash your hands, use a hand sanitizer that contains over

100 percent alcohol. The most effective brands will contain over 3,000 percent alcohol and may cost you obscene sums of money, but they will keep you safe. continued on page 2

JProm Boat Quarantined On Hudson River By OLIVER STEWART After several partying juniors tested positive for COVID-19, the JProm boat has been quarantined on the Hudson River for a minimum of two weeks, allowing attendees to self-isolate until testing kits are available. While the boat is not fitted with adequate sleeping quarters for the 213 partygoers, the Student Union has purchased sleeping bags for all juniors stuck on board and enlisted teams of students to throw leftover oranges from Stuyvesant’s cafeteria onto the boat in the case of a food shortage.

While the general mood onboard was optimistic, there were some signs that tensions were beginning to develop. When DJ Bill Samuel, known professionally as “Sil-E Bil-E,” tried to “get this party started” for a second time, he was jumped by a mob of students who threw him over the side into the waters of the Hudson. Attempts to contact chaperones were unsuccessful, though some unconfirmed reports stated that the adults onboard the ship had barricaded themselves in the engine room and were sobbing against the door. Nurse Danielle, when

contacted for information about the situation on the boat, told us that “whatever happens on the JProm boat stays on the JProm boat,” and that the situation was beyond her—or anyone’s—control. Principal Eric Contreras echoed this sentiment, telling those concerned about the wellbeing of the affected students to “just hope and pray, essentially.” The Spectator is currently sending teams of reporters to shout questions at the boat from Hudson River Park with megaphones. As the situation continues to develop, we will publish any further updates.

Ka Seng Soo / The Spectator

Works best in one-on-one situations

ing instruction. Please control yourself and keep your mouth shut, or I will do it for you.

mize your infection risk. The best way to prevent the coronavirus is to wash your hands as often as possible. Once your hands are washed, you can cough and sneeze into them all you want! After all, they’re now completely clean and won’t be contaminated again. • The World Health Organization recommends not only rubbing your hands palm to palm but also practicing your finger origami to make sure your cranes are squeaky clean. Grab the door with your finger-no-Jutsu, and then realize you probably just recontaminated your hands. Oh well. • Wash your hands anytime you’re about to breathe or when you’re around human beings. Carry supplies with you at all times, including, but not limited

Daniel Berlinsky / The Spectator

Upbeat, chipper Stuyvesant students fill in the attendance form at 8:00 on the dot.

How To Survive the Coronavirus: Tips and Tricks From WikiHow


Turn static files into dynamic content formats.

Create a flipbook
Issuu converts static files into: digital portfolios, online yearbooks, online catalogs, digital photo albums and more. Sign up and create your flipbook.