Issue 13, Volume 106

The Disrespectator The Stuyvesant High School Newspaper

April 1, 2016

High Score: 106 Current Best: 13

“The Basketballs of the Student Body” stuyspec.com

NEWSBEAT

Disrespectator Content on pages 1-4 and 24-32

embers of the administration have discovered that the explosion of the water pipe on Sunday, February 14 was caused not by cold weather, but rather by the ghost of former Coordinator of Computer Science Michael Zamansky.

Señor Simón Announces Expansion of the War on Cell Phones

M

O

n Friday, April 1, all students recited the Pledge of Allegiance, listened to the morning announcements, and went to homeroom.

epotism.

G

uidance Counselor Harvey Blumm recently released a plan for the construction of a junior bar out of the 616 unused test booklets from the in-school SAT administered on Wednesday, March 2.

O

utstanding Youth, an international organization for scholar-mentor-studentactivists, has named junior Sharon Lin the National Advanced Computing Technology Gold Keynote Finalist (NACTGKF) in Woman’s Development of Global STEM Foundations.

O

n Thursday, March 17 at 3:35 p.m., a rapid dismissal occurred, forcing all members of the student body to mingle around the school freely, use their lockers, and enter and exit as they pleased.

Señor Manuel Simón led a small press conference last Monday, March 21, 2016 in the third floor atrium wherein he addressed Stuyvesant’s controversial “War on Cell Phones,” a policy of which Simón is the Commander in Chief.

Simón began with a brief history of the program, explaining its origins as a response to a group of crazed students throwing their pagers down the five-seven escalator. To Simón, the solution was clear: enforce a harsh ban on any electronics smaller than an I-Pad. Simón then detailed the successes of previous programs related to the War on Cell Phones. “We’ve seen that my strategy of confiscating phones on escalators has been instrumental in pushing radical cell phone users out of the region,” Simón explicated. “However, this fight is far from over. As fundamentalist cell phone users move out of the escalators, they’ve moved into classrooms and bathrooms, so I’m proud to be able to announce Operation Classroom Storm.”

After a minute or so of riffing about the freedom this action would bring to Stuyvesant, Simón got down to specifics. “I’m going to hide in bathroom stalls and wait for people to use their phones.

When they use them, boom, con-

Courtesy of Alec Dai (Taken from iPhone 5)

N

By Asher Lasday

fiscated.” His policy regarding classrooms contains even more covert operations, requiring him to remain motionless in the dropdown ceilings of classrooms, jumping down when he hears the sound

of students tapping their screens.

Simón’s new policies are not without critics. His policy of using small drones to patrol hallways for cell phone users has proven particularly controversial,

Danielle Eisenman / The Spectator

enior Ryan Boodram and sophomore Kevin Boodram have proposed a plan to implement automated staircases at Stuyvesant. “We’re really hoping the administration will upgrade our staircases to ones that move; it will make hallway traffic much more manageable,” Kevin Boodram said.

ighth graders who have been accepted to Stuyvesant are now permitted to go outside during their free periods, thanks to a petition by Eighth Grade Caucus President Krzysztof Hochlewicz.

continued on page 33

Dahlia’s Closes; Students Lament Loss of Haunt Serving [Authentic Mexican Cuisine] to Minors

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with many having said the flying surveillance bots make them feel unsafe. Others, like junior Niels Graham, felt “triggered.”

By Laszlo Sandler Following a tip-off from anonymous, adult patrons and fake-ID card sellers, Dahlia’s Fine Mexican Cuisine, a Lower East Side restaurant specializing in tacos, tortas,

and tequila, was shut down last month after a raid by the New York City Police Department. According to sources, the raid was prompted by allegations that the establishment was selling [authentic Mexican cuisine] to minors without ask-

ing for identification. As a result, Stuyvesant students have spent the last few weeks scouring the city for other restaurants that will sell them [delicious, tasty, authentic Mexican cuisine] without having to buy a fake [index] card from one of Stuyvesant’s renowned sellers.

Junior and Big Sib Chair Jean Joun is one of the many students upset by the closure. “The [authentic Mexican cuisine] was cheap, and I really respect how they didn’t jack up the prices just because we were minors,” Joun said. “Because honestly, at this point, I’d pay anything.”

Other students shared Joun’s sentiment. “I really liked the sangria—I mean, the salad,” said junior Maddie Ostergaard, after being assured that the first part of her interview would be off the record.

While much of the student body was distraught over Dahlia’s closure, drafting teacher Steven Rothenberg believes the closure is a good thing.

“When I was a kid, students had to [wait until they were of proper age to] get a [real, legitimate] ID in order to get [authentic Mexican cuisine],” Rothenberg said. “Nowadays, places like [Dahlia’s] make

underage [consumption of authentic Mexican cuisine] too easy. What fun is drinking [authentic Mexican cuisine] if there’s no challenge?”

Though the majority of students expressed regret at the closure, other students, many of whom have a budding business at Stuyvesant, were delighted to hear of the restaurant’s demise. “Hopefully this will lead to a spike in my [Pokémon] card sales,” said sophomore Nishchay Bajaj, who offered The Spectator two [cards] for $40, and promised an even better offer if The Spectator bought with a friend.

Other students, many of whom regard themselves as “good” or “innocent” children, say they are confused as to what made Dahlia’s so special. “Why can’t they just go to Chipotle?” senior Stephanie Zhang asked.

As of press time, it was discovered that a Stuyvesant student had been arrested for stealing a six-pack of [authentic Mexican cuisine] from Gourmet Market, showing just how desperate the situation has become. continued on page 420

By The Numbers

43 The number of Humor articles this issue

By Shaina Peters

27,059

12 in.

5724

4

The number of stairs at Stuyvesant

The approximate length of Donald Trump’s fingers

The number of cell phones confiscated

by Head of Student Safety, Security, and Sadness Brian Moran

The number of numbers on this list that I completely made up to meet a deadline

Page 2

The Spectator ● April 1, 2016

News

Kaia Waxenberg / The Spectator

Junior Found Dead Under Six-Foot Pile of College Mail

By SAMANTHA GENDLER Last week, a Stuyvesant student was found dead in her room under a six-foot tall pile of college mail, consisting of at least 100 letters. Junior Alexa Berg was covered in paper cuts.

Her fingers were in between a letter from the Ohio College of Clown Arts. Her mother said that right before she bled out she was trying to brush her teeth with a letter from Colgate University.

Her autopsy also showed that she ingested the brochure from Hamburger University. Her last words were, “Going to Ball State University would really have been baller.” Unfortunately this ball did not give her life.

When her parents tried to call for help from her phone they were unable to due to the unending stream of e-mails arriving in her inbox. These threatening e-mails, with subject lines such as “Alexa Berg, we know you,” “You have to visit us,” or “Don’t call the cops, Alexa Berg,” made her mother fear for her life as well. Also, spending too much time on Naviance caused Berg to go blind. The downward spiral was very quick.

According to witnesses, the day before, Berg had been elated when she received a packet from UChicago. On Facebook she celebrated her college acceptance despite not even starting the Common App. She got several more packages and reached a state of euphoria that clouded her brain, causing her to miss her college counselor appointment the next day. She also failed to realize that these letters were only glorified brochures.

Few of her peers showed up at her funeral because, according to an anonymous source, they were busy completing the college surveys. A moment of silence will be held on Decision Day in her honor. Her college counselor, Elizabeth Hughes, sobbed at her funeral, saying, “If only she had come to the appointment, I would have told her to unsubscribe.”

Berg’s mother felt similarly. “Now my daughter will never be able to go to a top Ivy League like I’ve always wanted,” she said. Another letter arrived today from Harvard, inviting her to attend the “lively and vital information session that would change her life.”

Senior Makes Desperate Last Attempt at Front Page Article

By Jacob Faber-Rico Senior and Humor writer Jacob Faber-Rico sat down at his computer on Sunday, March 20 to make one last-ditch effort at headlining the front page of The Spectator. “I think it would be really cool to just pick up The Spectator one day and see my name right there at the top,” Faber-Rico said. “I hope this article gets me to achieve my dream.”

Although Faber-Rico has been producing hard-hitting journalistic pieces such as “Conservative SU Abolishes Same-Sex Square Dancing” for years, he has never made the front page. Even “Math Star Lee Sidelined by Paper Cut,” a shocking exposé that illuminated the little-known dangers present in math team competitions, was relegated to page 24 last May. Writing in his last Disrespectator ever, this may be Faber-Rico’s best chance to headline the paper.

“Having worked with him for two years, I know that Jacob [Faber-Rico] takes his responsibility to uncover important stories and deliver meaningful, accurate information to the Stuyvesant student body very seriously,”

Junior Sharon Lin recently went to the nurse’s office after taking an extremely detailed health exam on stress. Surprisingly, she was not alone. Lin was joined by several other juniors who were suffering from the same condition.

School nurse Danielle Karunadasa was bewildered by the phenomenon. “I know stress is a fundamental part of being at Stuyvesant, and usually the students come to me as an excuse to get out of physics, but really? Out of all the stressful classes, they choose health?”

What is the reason for this influx of stress? The clues mainly point to the one crucial thing all Stuyvesant students lack: stress management. “My theory is that this lack of knowledge leads to a lack of understanding of how stress prevention works,” Lin said.

“I mean, how was I supposed to know that I needed to find outlets to relieve my stress or else I would have a panic attack?”

The problem has existed for

as long as Stuyvesant has been built. In order to remedy the situation, the health department decided to prioritize the unit on stress as one of the first topics tackled in the curriculum. The reception by the students has been mixed ever since the decision, because they don’t understand how to apply the stress prevention methods to their own life. “I know all the facts, but the methods don’t work,” Lin complained.

Like many students in the school, she only knows the concrete information, but doesn’t know how to apply it to real-life issues.

On the fateful night before the exam on stress, everything—unsurprisingly and ironically—went awry. Facebook feeds exploded with panicked posts, desperately begging for advice on how to study for a stress exam. Study sheets were inaccurately made, as usual; many used them nonetheless.

“I don’t understand,” rapperturned-health teacher Barbara Garber said. “I had five kids crying over what the symptoms of stress are.” Many students fainted at the

cantly crucial issue that his crucially significant article is about, and was in absolutely no way whatsoever an attempt to run up the word count with unnecessarily wordy and repetitive modifiers and other clauses. No way.

Fortunately, Faber-Rico’s efforts paid off with great praise from the editors, who unanimously decided to publish his article on the front page. “This article is of the utmost importance to the student body. Everyone needs to read it,” junior and Editor-in-Chief Sonia Epstein said.

Even English teacher and Spectator Faculty Advisor Kerry Garfinkel was impressed. “In my 160 years of overseeing The Spectator, this is the most momentous article we have ever published,” Garfinkel said. “It must headline the next issue.”

EDIT: The Layout staff has mistakenly put Faber-Rico’s article on page 2. They would like to apologize, and hope that Faber-Rico continues to write articles in an attempt for them to be printed on the first page, working toward one day breaking barriers in the order of sections within The Spectator.

Schools Mandate Seniors to Get Vaccinated Against Senioritis Virus

By Kerwin Chen With half of Stuyvesant’s senior population early decision-ed into college and the other half waiting for their McDonald’s employment acceptance letters, the start of the new semester has gotten teachers concerned about Senioritis, a seasonal virus that strikes soonto-graduate high school students.

This virus affects millions worldwide, with notable symptoms like the inability to complete homework and classwork on time, excessive absence from school, and period-long naps in class, if the student even shows up. This virus is highly contagious, and can be contracted by having a long, passionate con-

Junior Gets Stress Problems After Taking Health Test on Stress Prevention

By Karen Chen

senior and former Humor editor Jordan Hodder said. “This is his most earth-shattering article yet, and it definitely deserves to be the front-page headline.

In Faber-Rico’s endeavor to finally make his articles noticed by the Editors-in-Chief, he went so far as to read and follow the Stuyle Guide—formatting rules and guidelines that no Humor writer ever reads—using only one space between sentences, actually including a focus sentence, and finally formatting outquotes like this: “‘Quoted text.’

—Name, grade and/or position.”

“For the first time ever, I’m going to write ‘Faber-Rico said’ instead of ‘said Faber-Rico’ after my quotes,” said Faber-Rico. “And I’m even going to proofread.”

Because such a crucially significant article should probably be at least 500 words, instead of the 300 or so Faber-Rico usually stops at, he included a number of paragraphs in his article. Each paragraph contained a number of sentences filled with crucial information in the form of words made up of letters. Each word definitely revealed something very significant about the signifi-

sight of true or false questions, especially question 20, which asked, “True or False: It is healthy to complain to your friends about your super-low 93 average or suppress your emotions after your physics teacher hands back your 65 grade.”

Students were stumped. As these occurrences were so common, there was no way to distinguish between them. “Technically, according to the laws of logic, the use of ‘or’ implies either one or the other must happen. I know the first part is true, so I am justified in saying that the whole conjunction is true as well,” Lin said. Her reason was supported by members of the math team, who complained about the lack of numbers in the exam.

The health department’s reaction is positive. Garber is optimistic that her students will do well on the next unit. “Just wait until we get to the STDs unit,” laughed Garber gleefully after giving another impromptu rap about hitting certain gardening tools.

versation with another infected person. Once having contracted this virus, it travels through the bloodstream to the brain and begins to do its damage. After many years of analysis and research, Stuyvesant teachers have finally come up with a Senioritis vaccine, and enacted a policy that mandates seniors to be vaccinated before they can come to school.

English teacher Dr. David Mandler, a participant in the creation of the vaccine, is an outspoken proponent for the plan. “This policy is definitely a must,” he said. “I cannot stand another day with my students answering my questions with an ‘I-D-G-A-F,’ a phrase I am currently still trying to decipher.”

Math teacher Oana Pascu, however, strongly dislikes this policy. “With this policy, I cannot just chill with my students like I have for the past 10 years.

I’m going to be forced to teach those students, or else be deemed an incompetent educator.”

Parents were also interviewed about this new vaccine. Senior Jordan Hodder’s mother expressed her extreme dislike toward the policy. “I do not want an autistic child. No vaccines for him,” she said.

Hodder seemed perfectly fine with his mother’s stance. “No vaccination means no school? I’m fine with that. Wasn’t planning to come anyway because I-D-G-A-F.”

A Thing Happened, The Spectator Reports on It

By JULIA INGRAM Attempt at concisely summarizing a complex event or change in one sentence, on Day, Month Date. Short second sentence that adds length.

Explanation of basic details related to event. Introduction of the acronyms Department of Education (DOE), Student Union (SU), or School Leadership Team (SLT).

The beginning of a multiparagraph discussion about the fragile relationship between the students, administration, and DOE that may or may not explain why the event occurred. “Explanation [of the] problem by the principal,” Principal Jie Zhang said.

Another aspect of the issue that complicates things and requires a long paragraph that your editors will tell you to shorten.

Details, explanations, definitions. “More quotes from Zhang that further explain what’s going on but actually make everything more confusing,” Zhang said.

Paragraph that is 85 percent composed of Moran’s title.

Explanation from the SU of why they couldn’t work with the administration. “A long quote we […] tried to trim down,”

Sophomore Caucus President Tahseen Chowdhury said. “But ultimately ended up […] failing.”

Action taken by seniors Krzysztof Hochlewicz and Ryan Boodram and sophomore Kevin Boodram to resolve (but further complicate) the issue.

DOE rule that constricts the administration’s actions.

“Upset reaction from the SU,” SU President Ares Aung said.

Introductory sentence that segues into quotes that show the student body’s opinion on the subject. “Quote from a one-minute interview with a random student on the bridge,” a random student said.

Topic sentence that leads into quotes that support the opposing side to maintain objectivity.

“Quote that was definitely not obtained in an interview over Facebook message,” a student said.

Sentence that tries to resolve dissenting opinions in a generalization that essentially restates that the event occurred.

“Eloquently phrased positive quote that looks to the future,” a member of the administration (probably Assistant Principal of English Eric Grossman) said.

The Spectator ● April 1, 2016

Page 3

News

By Wasif Zaman

The 2016 U.S. Presidential primaries have been swamped with chaotic media coverage since last year, but recent news from inside the GOP may weaken the delicate state of the union even further.

Republican Presidential Candidate and CEO of TrumpLandia Donald J. Trump announced plans to furlough workers whom he deems “stupid enough not to vote for [him] as President”.

TrumpLandia is a company that includes thousands of distinguished employees who have worked under Trump’s command for years. These workers are all experienced, knowledgeable and ready to expand the enterprise.

But Trump’s plan to mix business and politics has understandably elicited mixed responses.

“My buddy over at HR didn’t vote for Trump, so I guess he’s kind of screwed,” said TrumpLandia Clerk-with-a-Pancake-face Mitt Romney. “Honestly speaking, I have no idea what this crazy guy is gonna do next”. Not many of the employees were happy, especially TrumpLandia Intern Marco

Rubio,who was crying so much that the floors needed to be wiped with the mop of Capitalism.

Meanwhile, TrumpLandia Manager Hillary Rodham Clinton had this to say: “The thing is, this demagogue act that Trump’s putting on is sickening the nation faster than a Jersey Shore marathon. It’s insane. He’s exploiting the most animalistic, basest fears out of a sick need to gain power. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to check my personal and professional email account.”

However, a handful of the prisoners employees at TrumpLandia believe that they have made the right call at a low cost.

“I was one of the first people to publicly back Trump. I’m probably getting a promotion soon, so I’m stoked,” TrumpLandia Janitor Chris Christie said. “Trump is a perfect candidate, because he’s a businessman. America is a business. Businesses need to be lethal, strict, and occasionally hostile to Mexicans, Muslims, Syrian refugees, immigrants of all kinds, those who speak any other [language than American], and any other hair color other

than orange. And it’s not like I’m just saying that to keep my job.”

Trump agreed with Christie’s statement and said, “In the end, I’m just doing what a shrewd businessman, and an off-thewalls fascist dictator would do.”

When asked to elucidate his plans, Trump had this to say: “Basically, the primaries are going to be the first of three stages to determine if you’re gonna stay in my company. Anybody that doesn’t vote for me immediately fired and deported to Mexico. Like my future as president, the other two stages aren’t really well thought out yet, but I’m getting there.”

Upon the annunciation of these plans at a press conference, Trump was surprised by the amount of questions he received, so surprised that his hair was momentarily stood still, before continuing to dance the ChaCha-Cha. One reporter asked, “Sir, how do you explain the logic of thinking about America as a company instead of a country?”

Trump declined to answer, reportedly because he didn’t know the meaning of the word “logic.”

7 Minute Periods Surprisingly Unproductive

By Chloe Hanson and Alexa Leong Sophomores and juniors took the PSAT and SAT on March 2, leaving the faculty all alone with the freshmen and seniors.

Once the administration realized they had no activities planned for the approximately 1,654 students, they quickly decided that starting the school day at 1 p.m. and having seven-minute periods would be the most logical way to deal with the influx of freshmen and seniors, while still allowing the PSAT and SAT to be administered without distractions.

“Yeah, well, we had to make [the freshmen and seniors] come in for a day, otherwise we’d get in trouble with the state for having too many days off. We already miss so much school, if you count all the Christian holidays, Jewish holidays, and SING! sleep deprivation-related “sick” days. The freshmen and seniors had to come in, but we couldn’t have them here when the sophomores and juniors were taking

tests, so we just kind of crammed the entire day into those two hours,” Principal Jie Zhang said.

When asked the administration had thought of any other ideas,

Vivian Lin / The Spectator

Zhang said, “No, not really. We just kind of went with our gut feeling.”

Most teachers were only able to check attendance after the end

bell had rung. “We [the students] weren’t let in the building until after first period was over. I walked into my geometry class, but I didn’t know if the teacher was taking attendance since he mispronounced everyone’s name,” freshman Jennifer Lee said.

“No one understood what he said and I think he just gave up and marked everyone absent.”

In some cases, students were given quizzes. Many of them didn’t finish writing their names. “Did I have a quiz, for some God forsaken reason?

Yes. Did I do a good job on it?” A freshman, who chose not to be named, then uttered a series of profanities directed at the writers of this article, which were considered too vulgar to print.

Unsurprisingly, students disliked having seven-minute periods. “I still don’t understand why we had to attend seven-minute classes. I spent more time on the seven train than in school,” senior Kevin Zhang said. “Being here was a complete waste of my time when I could’ve been shopping for Supreme or going out and taking photos with my DSLR camera.”

New Recyclable, Readable Flooring on Tribeca Bridge

Yujie Fu/ The Spectator

Trump to Fire Those That Don’t Vote For Him

By Donia Tung and Blythe Zadrozny In tandem with Stuyvesant’s recent renovations, such as automated paper towel dispensers in the bathrooms and new chairs in the cafeteria, the Tribeca Bridge has recently received its own upgrade. A new floor, consisting entirely of independently-funded, student-made, biodegradable, recyclable material has been installed, with the cool new feature of only appearing one Friday every two weeks.

The change was officially announced on March 18, after the amount of new flooring reached an all time high. “I decided to volunteer and contribute to this new initiative after reading SING! Top Fives. Since my crew failed to get properly ranked, I’ve decided that my efforts to improve the school don’t need to be so publicly acknowledged,” an anonymous senior said. “I’m taking the high road by discarding copies of The Spectator onto the bridge so that they cover the entire floor and trying to improve the school instead of just your plain old throw-apaper-in-the-trash-can criticism.”

The changes have been met with approval by many in the school. “I’ve been pushing for the school to go greener forever, and I’m so excited to see students finally take action in helping the environment,” biology teacher Marissa Maggio said. “They’ve really taken terracycling into their own hands. We don’t even need to waste plastic by getting actual trash bags anymore.”

The administration has decided to go with a new color scheme as well, replacing the old gray planks with black, white and

read all over. “I want the [Tribeca] Bridge to properly represent the Stuyvesant community. We’re not the boring, studious, math and science students that gray wood represents—we’re the badat-English-and-grammar students that the new flooring suggests,” Principal Jie Zhang said.

It is probable that the flooring is here to stay, as this is just an of-

A new floor, consisting entirely of independentlyfunded, student-made, biodegradable, recyclable material has recently been installed, with the cool new feature of appearing on only one Friday every two weeks. ficial announcement of a change that has been in the works since The Spectator was founded in 1915. “I’m so glad we can finally take the leap and publicly disvalue an organization that has been pointing out our mistakes for years,” Sophomore Caucus vice-president Pallab Saha said.

“For the first time ever, we know we have the full support of the student body behind our decision.”

Donald Trump Announces Plan to Keep Out Migrating Monarch Butterflies

By Jacob Faber-Rico Speaking at a rally in Appleton, Wisconsin last Thursday, March 24, businessman and Republican Presidential Candidate Donald Trump called for a wall to prevent potentially dangerous monarch butterflies from illegally crossing the border into the United States as they make their annual migration across North America.

“Donald J. Trump is calling for a total and complete shutdown of all monarch butterflies entering the United States until our leaders can figure out what the hell is going on,” said Trump, the frontrunner for the Republican nomination.

Monarch butterflies migrate from Mexico and parts of California, passing north through the United States on their way to Canada and the southern United States

every spring. They then return south in the fall. However, with the rising threat of terrorism combined with other domestic issues, Trump has decided that the nation is safer if the small, plant-eating

ing drugs, they’re bringing crime, and they’re rapists,” Trump said.

Opponents argue that the beautiful, black-and-orange butterflies are simply trying to survive changes in weather, not

“Donald J. Trump is calling for a total and complete shutdown of all monarch butterflies entering the United States” —Donald J. Trump, Republican Presidential Candidate insects with an average life span of 2-6 weeks are kept out of the country. “[These four-inch wide] monarch butterflies are bring-

bothering anyone as they make their way up and down the continent. Preventing their migration could cause the already en-

dangered species to go extinct.

Trump supporters acknowledge these points, but believe nonetheless that some of the butterflies, whose main defense against predators is that they taste bad, pose a serious threat to United States national security. “You can’t tell the good butterflies from the bad butterflies,” Appleton resident Jared MacDonald said. “I don’t feel safe [around butterflies].”

Trump has also accused his critics of being too politically correct with the butterflies, claiming that we need to acknowledge that monarch butterflies want to kill us. “There is intense hatred for America in the butterfly world,” said Trump. “This is entirely due to the inherent evil inside all monarch butterflies, and definitely not the fact that we have polluted and destroyed most of their habitat.”

Still, others critique the feasibility of Trump’s plan. Opponents claim not just that Trump will be unable to deliver on his promise of making butterflies pay for the wall, but also that a wall will be entirely ineffective in keeping out insects that can simply just fly over it. “The wall just got ten feet higher,” Trump responded.

“Ten feet higher. They can’t get over that. Monarch butterflies, can you believe it. I build the best walls. The best. Butterflies? Butterflies. They’re weak. Ten feet, they can’t fly that high,” continued Trump, completely coherently.

However, the bold candidate plans to protect the country from much more than just monarch butterflies. “We must stop the wind blowing across our border,” Trump said. “My wall will stop the wind.”

Page 4

The Spectator ● April 1, 2016

News Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un Visits Stuyvesant

By Zoe Orlin After hearing word of how stressful Stuyvesant High School is, Supreme Leader of North Korea Kim Jong Un decided to come to check out the situation for himself. “I pride myself on keeping the conditions of my country extremely high stress and pressure, so I wanted to see how this supposed ‘pressure-cooker’ school measures up,” Kim Jong Un explained.

While strolling through the halls, Kim Jong Un was so happy to find that he had such a large fan base among American teens. “I saw so many kids wearing shirts with the word ‘Supreme’ emblazoned on them. I was quite flattered; I don’t seem to have this level of popularity with my own people,” he said.

In fact, Kim Jong Un has told us he is “sacred” to the Stuyvesant student body.

“I asked this kid if I could inspect his Supreme shirt, and he said, ‘Bro, this cost $500. Don’t even think about it.’ I am clearly very sacred to these kids. Why else would they pay $500 for a white t-shirt with my name?”

Kim Jong Un was not impressed, however, by Stuyvesant’s design. “Way too much light and too many windows. If I were to build a ‘pressure cooker,’ it would not look like this. Instead, there would be absolutely no windows, no fresh air, and a recording of myself screaming on repeat. I have discovered this to be a very effective stress-inducing method. It reminds citizens of nature,” he said triumphantly.

Something Kim Jong Un was impressed by, however, was the number of traps intended to get students in trouble strategically placed around the school. “As I did my march around the place, I passed several students reading quietly on benches. Every single one of them was forcefully removed from the bench by women in blue suits. Having benches where just sitting leads to disciplinary action is simply genius!

Bravo!” Kim Jong Un exclaimed.

As part of his visit, Kim Jong Un sat in on some classes. One of the Supreme Leader’s favorite classes of the day was English.

The students were talking about personal essays they wrote, and some reported they could hear

Kim Jong Un laughing in the back.

“That English class was hilarious,” Kim Jong Un said. “The students all wrote about the stress they were under: SATs, Harvard, troubles in the love department, blah blah blah. It was comedy gold!” he said. When asked if he had any advice for the students, he offered a solution.

“Ship these kids off to my country, and they won’t be worrying about these things anymore,” Kim Jong Un said, chuckling.

Kim Jong Un stopped by a chemistry class as the teacher was teaching about nuclear reactions. He was not a fan of the class. “Honestly, I thought I could have taught it better myself,” he said. In this class, he witnessed students getting their tests back.

“The fact that these students call this class a struggle when they get a 93 makes me think I should show them what a real struggle is!” Kim Jong Un said.

Kim Jong Un has offered to come back next year to offer wisdom on how to increase pressure levels, since he does not think Stuyvesant does an adequate job, as well as to design Supreme clothing for all North Koreans to enjoy.

What Do You Do In the Hudson Staircase?

1+2+394 0.005%

0.4% 0.7%

98.6%

100 Goin 100 100 100

Going to class Studying Eating Lunch Other ;)

Features

Kaia Waxenberg / The Spectator

Cow Causes Chaos in Cafeteria

By Tiffany Chen and Yvonne Pan Complaints about Stuyvesant’s milk quality have recently erupted into controversy as students debate the merits of improving the freshness of school food. The purple and blue cartons have a white, opaque fluid that many have deemed unworthy of their consumption. Other students have questioned the validity of the milk.

“While biology teacher Jeffery Horenstein has taught me nothing about mitosis and meiosis, I do know how to differentiate from milk and other white substanc-

es,” freshman Amit Puthan said, “and that is certainly not milk.”

A survey conducted by the Student Union shows that 97 percent of Stuyvesant students are dissatisfied with our school cafeteria’s milk quality while the other three percent are unsure of the cafeteria’s whereabouts. Principal Jie Zhang has since been bombarded with whines to serve fresh milk in the cafeteria. “It got worse than complaints about program changes,” Zhang said, exasperated. “I didn’t think that these petulant kids drank that revolting, white substance!”

After much deliberation and nagging from parents, Zhang de-

cided to purchase a cow from the website, CowsRUs. When asked about its effects on the school budget, Zhang admitted she had cut Junior Prom (JProm) funding in favor of the cow, saying, “I’m sure we can arrange for JProm to be on a rowboat or minivan instead.”

Students have responded positively to the addition of the cow.

“Now that the cafeteria smells like a farm all the time, I can finally forget about how I failed my math test!” exclaimed sophomore Ava Chen, holding a math test that had received a 98 in her hand.

Most are also enthusiastic about the freshness of the milk, regardless of the lack of quality. “There are white chunks in the milk, but at least I know that it’s from a cow and not anyone else,” said junior Vicky Wu. Still, some were salty about the addition of the cow, calling her lower quality than most Facebook profile pictures. To solve this dilemma, Zhang has taken out more funds that had been previously allocated for Senior Prom to hire two people to help pasteurize and homogenize the milk.

Both workers have declined an interview, muttering something along the lines of, “I hate this job.”

The cow has also wreaked havoc among the student body. Already, she has broken out of the cafeteria

72 times, which has caused all of the recent fire drills, destruction to 10 different doors, and at least two calls to PETA. Some were dismayed at this. “How am I supposed to walk up to the third floor when the 2-3 escalator is always bro-

ized milk and the sanitation problems caused by an unhygienic cow.

Many faculty members also disapprove of Zhang’s unprecedented decision to allow a farm animal on school grounds. Assistant Principal of Security, Health, and Student

A survey conducted by the Student Union shows that 97 percent of Stuyvesant students are dissatisfied with our school cafeteria’s milk quality while the other three percent are unsure of the cafeteria’s whereabouts.

ken?” complained junior Digonto Barua. “This cow has caused udder destruction to my calves.”

Students are not the only ones opposed to this sudden addition to our school. Already, parents have called to complain about the potential health risks of unpasteur-

Affairs Brian Moran exclaimed angrily, “[Darn] the system, we can’t get rid of this [enchanting animal that has graced us with its presence]!” However, Zhang has refused to back down from her decision to keep the cow she has lovingly nicknamed Mooran.

Badgley [Does Not] Dress Up as Sexy Cat to Demonstrate American Halloween Values

By Laszlo Sandler with additional reporting by Zora Arum and Perry Badgley Global history teacher Perry Badgley would like to clarify for The Spectator that he [did not] dress up as a sexy cat on Friday, October 30 2015, in order to give his students an example of the true American meaning of Halloween. Citing a lack of jingoism in students’ costumes, Badgley said the cat costume [did not]

narrowly edge out other American classics such as sexy nurse, sexy police officer, and sexy Assistant Principal of Safety, Security, and Student Affairs Brian Moran.

“Year after year I see students come in dressed up as things like a bald eagle, with wings they clearly made themselves, or as a red, white, and blue flag with handpainted stars that they’ve clearly labored over for hours,” said Badgley, when asked to describe the reasoning behind his choice of costume. “But where is the

store-bought aspect? Where is the American lack-of-effort? I feel it is my duty as a patriot to teach these students the true meaning of the holiday: seeing how [school-appropriate] one’s costume can be.”

According to some students, Badgley’s costume, bought at Party City for $7.99, was a bit too [prude] to be worn [outside of] school.

“It really depends on location,” said sophomore Sophia Gunluk, who has Badgley third period. “Is this acceptable now? [Definitely].

Would it be acceptable where I’ll

be in a few hours? [Probably less so].” Gunluk clarified that the Halloween party she planned to attend later was [not for people wearing costumes as lame and school-appropriate as Badgley’s].

The most embarrassing moment of the day, however, occurred during seventh period, when Badgley’s costume [did not] clash with that of sophomore Isaac Segal— [who, unlike Badgley, was] dressed up as a sexy cat—causing students to question whether Badgley was preaching to [students who need-

ed to respect their history teachers considerably more so as to not write libelous, slanderous articles about said history teachers inappropriately wearing scandalous Halloween costumes on school property]. “Who cares if I didn’t impact the way students decide to dress up for Halloween?” Badgley asked. “At the end of the day, [I did not wear a sexy cat costume to school], and when it comes to American Halloween values, that’s what matters most anyways.”

The Spectator

“The Pulse of the Student Body”

The Stuyvesant High School Newspaper

Volume 106 No. 13

NEWSBEAT

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tarting this year, students who do not take their Advanced Placement (AP) exams will have to pay a fine of $20 for the wasted test materials.

April 1, 2016

AP Human Geography To Be Offered to Freshmen, Juniors, and Seniors

By CHLOE HANSON, ALEXIA LEONG, and PAZIT SCHRECKER

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uniors Shantanu Jha, Kenneth Li, Sharon Lin, Steven Litvack-Winkler, and Nicholas Ng competed as a team in the Moody’s Mega Math Challenge on Friday, March 18 to Sunday, March 20, earning an Honorable Mention and $1,000 in scholarship funds.

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ive students were selected to perform Shubert’s Trout Quintet in the Chamber Music of Lincoln Center Young Musicians Concert on Thursday, April 14. Freshmen Vian Wagatsuma and Sean Takada and sophomores Elijah Karshner, Janine Goh, and Max Chan will be playing the piano, violin, viola, cello, and double bass, respectively.

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wenty-five students’ papers were accepted to the next round of the Greater New York Math Fair.

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he Science Olympiad Team competed in the New York State Final Round at Syracuse University on Friday, March 11 to Saturday, March 12, winning first place in the Remote Sensing and Game On categories.

WHAT’S INSIDE? Opinions A&E

continued on page 6

friend’s birthday, and they had decided to go to Dahlia’s Fine Mexican Cuisine, a restaurant in the East Village, to celebrate.

This decision was not based, however, on a craving for Mexican food—Dahlia’s was, and is, infamous for serving alcohol to under-aged teenagers.

As Laura and her friends neared the entrance, they started sensing tension in the air.

Two groups of girls were conversing in urgent, panicked

By ELIZABETH LAWRENCE and MAYA MITRASINOVIC with additional reporting by ANDREA MA Names in this article have been changed to protect the students’ anonymity.

Late on the night of January 30, 2016, Laura, a junior at New Explorations into Science, Technology, and Math (NEST+M), crossed the street to arrive at the corner of Fifth Street and Second Avenue with a group of her friends. It was a

continued on page 8

2016-2017 Big Sib Chairs Chosen

By JONATHAN BUHLER, DHIRAJ PATEL, and MAI RACHLEVSKY After a lengthy interview and selection process, the 2016-2017 Big Sib Chairs have been chosen.

They are Chloé Delfau, Liam Elkind, Jean Joun, Olivia Kusio, and Benjamin Zhang, and they will replace the 2015-2016 chairs: Phillip Chun, Rose Cytryn, Zoe Leaf, Shannon Lee, and Rick Melucci. Excited for the year ahead of them, the quintet plans to continue making “the transition from middle school to Stuy as smooth and as fun as possible for freshmen and incoming sophomores,” Delfau said.

The selection process for Big Sib Chairs is rigorous and personal. Candidates must first submit a written application, and then move onto the interview phase. All applicants receive an interview by the five former chairs. “It really gives us a feel of the kind of person they are, and how well they can handle certain situations,” Cytryn said.

The candidates are also required to submit two Little Sib recommendation letters and one from the Big Sib homeroom leader. “The written application and interview hold equal weight and the recs help us learn about how they interact with little sibs in homeroom. It’s a really holistic process,” Lee said.

“What we are looking for in a candidate is someone who works well with others, is organized and, of course, is a dedicated and great Big Sib,” Lee said. “It’s more about creat-

11

ing cohesive group dynamics.”

The new chairs are excited to fulfill these expectations. For example, Kusio would like to focus on drawing Little Sibs together in their own homeroom.

“It’s about enforcing a closer relationship in the homerooms by including fun events that homerooms can attend together […] especially before school. It’s so great to know people before you actually get here,” Kusio said.

Kusio is already an active member of the Stuyvesant community.

addition, she is the vice-president of the Girls Who Code club, codirector of the Clubs/Pubs department of the Student Union, and a member of the The Spectator Photo department. Delfau cites her participation in the Big Sibs program as one of her favorite experiences. “It’s very rewarding to see how much I can affect and help someone who is struggling with the same things I struggled with only a few years ago,” Delfau said.

Zhang’s Little Sib experience was also a large factor in his deci-

The Spectator/ Xin Italie

he Science Bowl Team, including senior Amrit Hingorani and juniors Shamaul Dilmohamed, Shantanu Jha, Steven Litvack-Winkler, and Nicholas Ng, won the Regional Championship on Saturday, March 5 at Hunter College High School and will be competing at the National Championship in Washington D.C. from Thursday, April 28 to Monday, May 2.

Starting in the 2016-17 school year, Advanced Placement (AP) Human Geography, a course traditionally offered to sophomores, will be open to freshmen, juniors, and seniors. Social studies teacher Josina Dunkel will teach the freshman course, and social studies teacher Ellen Schweitzer will teach the course to upperclassmen.

The decision to offer the course to freshmen was brought on by the influx of students who have already taken Global History in middle school or have an interest in social studies. The only requirement for enrolling in the course is indicating interest on a survey given to accepted eight grade students and completing a short writing sample during Camp Stuy, which will help the administration gauge the students’ preparedness for the course. “[AP Human Geography] involves a certain amount of more sophisticated writing,” Suri said.

The course will no longer be offered to sophomores. “It’s not possible to teach the AP Human Geography curriculum simultaneously with the Global 3 and 4

curriculums anymore,” Suri said.

The Global History Regents will be changing in 2018, and will be focusing on material that is taught during sophomore year, making it difficult to teach both courses.

AP European History and AP World History will still be offered to sophomores. However, since Dunkel, who usually teaches AP European History, will be teaching AP Human Geography instead, the number of AP European History sections will be decreased.

“It will probably be a little bit trickier to get [into AP European History], but […] we’ll have an additional section of AP World [History] to accommodate,” Suri said.

Dunkel first proposed the idea of offering AP Human Geography to freshmen. She believes the course is more compatible with freshmen than sophomores. “[In] the freshman curriculum, topics aren’t as specific. […] It seemed like a place where we could develop a more thematic approach,” Dunkel said.

Students who have taken the course agreed. “[AP] Human Geography is the kind of class that’s not really history, but it more encompasses many

Dahlia’s: The Watering Hole of Underage Drinkers Danielle Eisenman/ The Spectator

tuypulse, the Stuyvesant Robotics Team, won the Regional Competition at the Jacob K. Javits Convention Center from Friday, March 11 to Sunday, March 13, and received the Engineering Inspiration Award.

stuyspec.com

2016-2017 Big Sib Chairs, from left to right: juniors Olivia Kusio, Jean Joun, Benjamin Zhang, Liam Elkind, and Chloé Delfau.

She competes on the varsity girls’ volleyball team, and is a member of the ARISTA events committee, the Red Cross club, and the The Spectator Opinions department.

Like Kusio, Delfau also plays for the varsity girls’ volleyball team. In

“Justice: Blinded by DNA’s Gold Standard” While DNA is heralded as one of the most reliable crime-solving weapons, it sometimes makes things worse.

sion to apply for Big Sib Chair. “I had Big Sibs who really reached out to me and really cared for me,” Zhang said. “They showed genuine concern for our grades on report card days, and they served as my role models. I wanted to of-

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fer that to the Little Sibs as well.”

Zhang also finds the Big Sib program incredibly rewarding.

“One of the biggest challenges is the initial contact with the Little Sibs. Getting some of the shyer and less cooperative freshmen to open up may end up being a little difficult, but part of the reason we were all chosen as Big Sibs is because we can handle these situations,” Zhang said. “The feeling after they do open up is just amazing.”

Zhang, a member of the ultimate frisbee team, as well as a participant in Stuy Squad and SING!, would like to share this love of extracurricular activities with his Little Sibs. “Being closer to people makes you feel more accepted and makes you feel more outgoing,” Zhang said. He hopes that by making Little Sibs feel comfortable and accepted, he can encourage them to go out and join teams and clubs.

Elkind exhibits the social skills associated with being a good Big Sib, possibly due to his experience as a member of the Speech and Debate team and as an actor for the Stuyvesant Theater Community. Additionally, his position as Arts and Entertainment editor for The Spectator has given him practice with the leadership skills needed as a Big Sib Chair.

Like the others, Elkind cites his experience as a Little Sib as one of the factors in his decision to apply. “I was a really nervous freshman, and just seeing such upbeat, positive people who so clearly continued on page 6

“No ‘Acting’ Required to Love Sia’s New Album”

Sia’s newest album, which features her own performances of songs she wrote for other artists, beautifully reminds us how relatable stars can be.

The Spectator ● April 1, 2016

Page 6

News AP Human Geography To Be Offered to Freshmen, Juniors, and Seniors continued from page 5

Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons and NASA

WORLDBEAT

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n alleged suicide bombing on Sunday, March 27 in a public park in Lahore, Pakistan left at least 40 men, women and children dead, and at least 100 others injured.

other social sciences. It’s a really great introduction to [freshmen],” junior Adam Wickham said.

The course will also be offered to juniors and seniors as a year long elective, provided they have not already taken the class during their sophomore year. The only requirement will be an average of 91 in social studies. The class will be considered an elective

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he Greek Coast Guard reported a sharp drop in the number of migrants crossing between Greece and Turkey islands on Thursday, March 24. Officials believe that bad weather and new restrictions are behind this drop.

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ustralian investigators believe that two pieces of debris found on the coast of Mozambique are from the missing Malaysian Flight MH370 that disappeared in March 2014.

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ussian-backed government troops have entered the ancient city of Palmyra in Syria after days of clashes with Islamic State militants.

ISIS informed civilians via loudspeaker to flee.

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nited Nations judges have found former Bosnian Serb leader Radovan Karadzic guilty of genocide, war crimes and crimes against humanity during the war of the 1990s.

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he U.S. Department of Justice has indicted seven Iranians with intelligence links over multiple cyber-attacks against 46 U.S. financial institutions from 2011 to 2013.

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he Walt Disney Company and Marvel threatened to stop film production in Georgia if the governor signs a controversial “religious liberty bill,” which critics believe encourages discrimination against the LGBTQ community.

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Kansas law will allow students to carry concealed weapons into their college classroom by July 2017.

he FBI says it may have found a third party to crack into the iPhone of the San Bernardino terrorists without Apple’s help. Therefore, a federal judge has postponed the hearing that would’ve been the next step in getting Apple to follow a court order to cooperate.

By GISELLE GARCIA

Starting next year, a new fifthyear Spanish elective will be available for students who are currently taking the fourth-year Advanced Placement (AP) Spanish Language and Culture or Hispanic Themes courses. This elective, Great Films From the Spanish Speaking World, will replace the current fifth-year course, AP Spanish Literature, offering students a different opportunity to continue their foreign language studies throughout all four years at Stuyvesant.

Due to the large number of students who take second-year Spanish as freshmen, Spanish is the only World Language for which a fifthyear AP class, AP Spanish Literature, is offered, in addition to the fourthyear AP Spanish Language and Culture. Interest in the fifth-year AP, according to Assistant Principal of World Languages Arlene Ubieta, has been historically low. There is only one section of AP Spanish Literature; in contrast, there are eight fourth-year classes.

“Many seniors opt to not take the [fifth-year AP class],” Ubieta said. “They already took the fourthyear AP, which is what the colleges see and accept. They also have so

many choices for electives and the stress of the college process, so they figure, why go through with it?”

Another reason for the low demand is the intensity of the course.

While the fourth-year AP focuses on the Spanish language and culture, the fifth-year AP focuses heavily on literature and language conventions not frequently found in the everyday speech focused on in the fourth year. “Fifth year involves both peninsular and Latin American literature and involves a great amount of high-level reading, a big jump from the fourth year course,” Ubieta said.

While the lack of seniors opting to take AP Spanish Literature poses no problem in terms of graduation requirements, the Spanish department worries that students are losing an additional year to practice their language skills merely due to the lack of options. “The repeated use of a language is very important,” Ubieta said. “We wanted to [present] students with a lighter curriculum as an elective that could be interesting, reflective of our culture, and [allow] the students to still maintain their skills.”

To resolve this issue, Ubieta spoke with Spanish teachers Anna Montserrat and Robert Weldon to

2016-2017 Big Sib Chairs Chosen

continued from page 5 people who so clearly cared about Stuy was super meaningful to me. I wanted to be able to give that same opportunity to a new incoming class of freshman,” Elkind said. “And in a kind of selfish way, it’s immensely satisfying to hear how much of an impact you’ve made on people.”

Joun has experience as both a leader and a collaborator, being a member of the boys’ fencing team

and the guitar club, and a director of his grade’s SING! band for the last two years. Joun also aspired to be a Big Sib since his time as a freshman. “The Big Sibs program is something I’ve always wanted to be in since my first open house at Stuy. I was so impressed with everyone who was a Big Sib,” Joun said.

The new chairs already have plans for the upcoming year. “We definitely want to have more oneon-one’s with the Little Sibs and more chances to bond. We are hoping to have some events outside of

traditions,” Suri said. “That will be review [for upperclassmen].”

Freshmen will be studying these topics in addition to the AP Human Geography curriculum.

The administration is excited to offer the course to a wider group of students. “[AP Human Geography] is a really good class with really current, important information. It really covers such critical concepts, ideas, and skills,” Suri said.

New Spanish Film Elective to Replace AP Spanish Literature

elgian prosecutors have charged a man with terrorist offenses, in connection with the attacks in Brussels on Tuesday, March 22 that left 31 dead, including three bombers.

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despite being an AP because it will be offered alongside required junior and senior social studies courses instead of replacing them.

The workload will be different between the freshmen and upperclassmen AP Human Geography courses. “There were a lot of topics covered in ninth or tenth grade that the juniors [and seniors] won’t have to go into detail on, for example, the industrial revolution, the ancient river valley civilizations, and the religious

school for homerooms to get together this upcoming year,” Kusio said.

They also plan to build on the former Big Sibs Chairs’ progress.

For example, Elkind is interested in continuing an initiative called Big Sib Guru, which takes questions from Little Sibs about academic and social issues, and tries to provide the best answer possible based on the Big Sibs’ experience. Additionally, they would like to expand the Big Sib blog in order to ensure that all freshmen get full access to events pertaining to their interests.

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The new chairs would also like to bring their individual experiences together to improve their Little Sibs’ time at Stuyvesant. “When I first came to Stuy, I was told that I could only have two of the three: sleep, a social life, or good grades,” Delfau said. “I’ve discovered that people want you to succeed and it is completely possible to have a balance of the three. This balance is what makes Stuy what it is. Students don’t have to compromise what makes them happy for success.”

Most importantly, the Chairs

discuss ideas for a possible new fifth-year class. They decided to replace AP Spanish Literature with an elective that would focus on the most important Spanish films from Spain and Latin America. “A lot can be done with film. It’s entertaining, and it opens the students’ eyes to social issues that occur or have occurred in history, the different types of accents that we all have, the customs, even the music,” Ubieta said.

“It’s also a nice change from the AP, where everything is very controlled and rigorous. [The new course] will be rigorous, but in a different way.”

Ubieta also wishes to stress that, though the new course is offered as an honors elective, highperforming students from Hispanic Themes who wish to continue practicing their language skills are also welcome to sign up for the course.

Taking students from all eight fourth-year Spanish classes, Ubieta expects there to be enough demand to fill two classes, which will be taught by Montserrat and Weldon.

“I spoke with a few of my students and there seems to be a great interest,” Ubieta said.

Current fourth-year students will be able to select this elective for next year in the upcoming round of course selections.

are confident in each other’s ability to succeed in their new positions.

“I will not speak for myself, but I can absolutely assure everyone that my fellow Chairs are the absolute perfect people for this job.

Each of them brings something absolutely crucial to our group and just working with them on brainstorming ideas and receiving information from the 20152016 Big Sibs [Chairs] has shown me what amazing people I got the chance to work with,” Zhang said.

The Spectator ● April 1, 2016

Page 7

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The Spectator ● April 1, 2016

Page 8

Features

Queenie Tang / The Spectator

Stuy Legacy Leaps into the Scene

Stuyvesant Legacy’s directors (left to right: seniors Jordan Zhou, John Wen, and Sorato Doken and sophomore Peter Lee).

By Rachel Kwon The lights were dim as Stuy Legacy ran onto the stage at Prelude Dance Competition at Baruch College and got into position. It was the team’s first major competition and its first shot at making an impression on the dance community outside of Stuyvesant. The members had devoted almost all their time to learning, practicing, and polishing this routine, and the next five minutes would be the climax of that journey.

The all-too-familiar music they had practiced to for countless, sweaty hours burst from the speakers, and the anxiety they all had feared turned into energy. As the strobe light flashed over the team, their passion poured out onto the stage, earning them second place in the junior division out of eight competing teams.

The beginning of Stuy Legacy’s journey started in the minds of a handful of students who desired to expand and take Stuyvesant’s dance community to the next level.

Invigorated by the success of Stuy Squad boys’ hip-hop A during the December performance, this dream finally became reality in January 2016 with the help of boys’ hip-hop

A directors, seniors Jordan Zhou, John Wen, and Sorato Doken, and sophomore Peter Lee, and managers, seniors Stanley Zeng, Evonne Zhang, and Tammy Liang.

Zhou, Wen, and Lee had been dancing outside of school in a team called Unique Movement and decided that they were motivated and experienced enough to create Stuyvesant’s very own dance team. They were also confident that Stuyvesant had enough skilled dancers to carry the team. The directors planned to take some of the choreography from the Stuy Squad boys’ hip-hop performance and create some new dances. They decided that the team would be co-ed to feature more talent and diversity.

“Stuy Legacy was created to represent Stuyvesant’s hip-hop dance community and the talent that we have. I wanted to show people in this school and also outside of school what Stuyvesant is capable of as dancers, and I had a desire to leave behind a mark in something that I really cared about before leaving the school,” Zhou said.

The audition process began late in January, when nearly 80 students from all grades appeared at Gibney’s Dance Studio, a ten-minute walk from Stuyvesant, to learn the

tryout choreography. “During the first round we eliminated a lot of people and narrowed down our selection pool to second round callbacks. We admitted a few people at first rounds [who] we thought were essential to our team,” Wen said.

Dancing techniques and skills were not, however, the only factors that the directors looked for when choosing members. “I also thought the chemistry within all the members was important,” Lee explained. “If anyone was disrespectful or didn’t act humbly, that was kind of a minus point from my perspective.” When the auditions came to a close, the directors had chosen to admit 28 members: three freshmen, eight sophomores, five juniors, and 12 seniors.

The team began to practice at Gibney’s Dance Studio toward the beginning of February. During the first meeting, the members all sat in a circle and went around introducing themselves. Two months later, it would be unfathomable that they had ever not all known each other.

Practices were held every Wednesday from 4 p.m. to 6 p.m. after school and Saturday from 10 a.m. to 12 a.m.

The songs they danced to

ranged from hardcore rap beats to more groovy and soft beats, depending on the director’s personal style and preference. For a few weeks, each of the directors taught their choreography for the competition set. However, much of the responsibility rested upon the members to go home and practice and review the different dance sets during their own free time.

After a few weeks, the directors began to hold castings in which the members would audition for certain songs in the set. They looked to see which members could perform their piece the best, not only by knowing the choreography, but also by conveying the style that they wanted. From there on, the members practiced being in sync and spent hours running the set from start to finish.

As the team grew more and more comfortable with each other, goofing off became more common during practice. The age gaps, differences in personalities, and backgrounds in dancing all seemed to melt away as the dancers came together as friends. Practices were filled with laughter, and, more importantly, cooperation and trust, as they began to fully understand and honor the responsibility of not letting down the team. “Stuy Legacy has a fun and friendly atmosphere, and we joke around a lot, but when we have work to get done, we focus and get it done until our shirts are filled with sweat,” sophomore Ran Yoo said.

Despite this growing bond, the team faced many conflicts as the first competitive dance team in the school. Since there was no base off of which the directors and the members could build, many of the routines and rules were created from scratch. In addition, balancing schoolwork and commitment to the team had to be maintained.

Members had less time to relax at home, and homework and studying had to begin right away.

Another major conflict the team faced was the lack of time they had to practice for the Prelude Competition. “Our season started relatively late compared to other youth teams who had started practicing earlier so we were in a bit of a time crunch and had to practice as much as possible,” Zhou said. During the

week of midwinter break, which the team coined “Hell Week,” practices were every single day at Gibney’s Dance Studio from 8 a.m. to 10 a.m.

After these rehearsals the students walked to Stuyvesant for SING! rehearsals, and regrouped back at Gibney’s to practice from 4 p.m. to 6 p.m. or sometimes until 8 p.m..

SING! and Stuy Legacy overlapped in practice times because Prelude’s competition day had been pulled up two weeks earlier. The competition day itself also overlapped with the last day of SING! performances, causing the sophomores and freshmen to miss their Saturday SING! performance.

Despite these conflicts, the members all found invaluable experiences through partaking in Stuy Legacy. “I wish someone thought of it when I was an underclassman because just being on a team helps you grow so much as a dancer [and] also as a person. Legacy taught us a lot about humility and family.

Now that we have the team, I hope the members will grow to lead the dance community at Stuy,” senior Regina Weng said.

Having performed at the Stuyvesant Open House, Stuy Legacy is gaining recognition from the school. The administration has shown its support by giving the team its own display case on the first floor, where the team’s trophy and team pictures are housed. T h i s support has motivated the members to accomplish more and make Stuyvesant’s name well-known in the dance community. “We plan to continue to practice and build our set and possibly compete in a big competition toward the end of the year called World of Dance or WOD,” Zhou said.

Though Stuy Legacy has managed to bring back a trophy during its first competition, the directors and members do not wish to rest on their laurels or get too caught up in competition for that matter. “It’s not really about how good you are or what place you get at the competition, it’s about the shared memories, passions and the journey,” Wen said. “Ten to 20 years from now, I’m going to remember the studio’s mirrors fogging up because of our sweat, not just the night where we got a second place trophy.”

Lack is Back (For 20 Days)

Chloé Delfau / The Spectator

a sub, you don’t earn that much money, and I could work seven or eight hours at Stuyvesant and not make as much money as working three hours at my other job.

I wanted some time to focus on creative stuff. We’re working on a record and it’s in process and I hope it will be done around June, and then it will be out next fall.

If there’s still people who want to see us, we’ll do a little time on the road, but that remains to be seen.

By Grace Cuenca and Shameek Rakshit To many students, substitute teacher Asher Lack is a symbol that Stuyvesant didn’t only produce the scientists and doctors of our generation, but also helped shape the easygoing leader of the Indie Rock band “Ravens and Chimes.” Although students believed that Lack had concluded his substitute teaching career in order to further pursue music, Lack returned to Stuyvesant in February 2016.

How did you start teaching at Stuyvesant as a substitute teacher?

I’ve had a good relationship with

the English department at Stuy so most of my work comes from them requesting me as a substitute by using an automated system that the city uses to assign substitute teachers to schools.

How long have you been teaching here?

I started in 2009, so last year would be year six. I guess this would be year seven, but I’m not sure if you can count it.

Why did you decide to leave Stuyvesant one year ago?

It wasn’t really a big decision for me. I was earning enough money at my other job as a private tutor, and it [didn’t take] as much time [as my job here]. As

What prompted you to return to Stuyvesant?

I have to sub for 20 days to keep my teaching license, and I’m only subbing at Stuy. Just in case anything gets messed up with my other work, I want [to have] the opportunity to come back.

I worked really hard to get [my teaching license.] I had to take courses and that kind of stuff, so it’s not something I want to throw away.

What do you enjoy about being a substitute teacher?

It’s actually a surprise to me that this is the job that I’ve had for so long. What I enjoy most about it is that kids are really cool, and working with really smart kids keeps you curious. If you’re not curious about stuff and you’re not engaged, then you’re wasting time essentially. So I think that’s something positive.

Are you going to continue teaching until this school year is over?

Well I’m staying only until I do 20 days, and I’m not sure when that’s going to be, since I don’t come in to [teach] everyday.

Can you tell us more about your plans with your band?

The new album has been steadily progressing. When we started work on it, I felt like everyone in the group was too comfortable with each other and that we were falling into predictable patterns musically. Instead of all five of us in a room playing through the songs together, I separated everyone and got them out of their comfort zones so that they could surprise themselves and me. I’m hoping we’ll be done recording

by June for a fall release date but that’s optimistic. If all goes well we will do some touring in the late Fall and the Spring of 2017.

How do current student’s lives differ from your experiences at as a student Stuyvesant?

When I was a student at Stuy the college application process was significantly less competitive than it is now and college was less expensive. I think both of these things have put a lot more pressure on Stuy students to distinguish themselves from each other. This cuts into some of the creative activities that kids did more when I was in high school.

There was more room for kids pursue personal projects when I was a student but I think that’s more a function of how the world has changed and not a change in the school.

What aspects of teaching at Stuyvesant remind you of your time as a student here?

It’s funny, I see a photo I took of the football team when I was a student here that The Spectator still runs when they do stories of the football team.

If you could change one thing about Stuyvesant, what would it be?

I don’t think there’s anything I would change about the school.

I think finding real meritocracies in the world is incredibly rare and while the entrance exam isn’t a perfect system it’s good at testing for a specific type of student. I think the faculty, staff, and administration are committed to maintaining the tradition of excellence and the kids are as bright as they’ve ever been. I often tell students that they will never be in a community of unadulterated smart people the way they are at Stuyvesant. Someone like George Bush can get into a school like Yale but he could never get into Stuy.

This interview has been edited and condensed.

The Spectator ● April 1, 2016

Page 9

Features

continued from page 5 voices, and later, Laura would recall that she’d seen a police car parked about a block away. But at that moment, she and her friends were anticipating the exciting night they were about to have. “We were still kind of oblivious,” Laura recollected. “It was just so unexpected that anything would ever happen there.”

She walked to the door, about to go inside, when she noticed that there was a commotion unlike the kinds of commotions drunk teenagers create. A man was standing on a table, talking to the people in the restaurant with an authoritative tone in his voice. Laura stopped in her tracks and backed out as quickly as she could. She asked the girls in the street what was going on. They informed her that there had been undercover cops in the restaurant, who had called in other policemen in uniform. These policemen then barred everyone from leaving. Now, they were giving orders to the teenagers, who were desperately trying to get themselves out. Laura stuck around outside for a little bit, peering with fascination into the restaurant and trying to decipher what was happening, when it occurred to her that the police could easily come outside and ask her for I.D. (which she was unable to provide). She and her friends made their escape, stunned by the unexpected turn the night had taken.

“Everyone had been going to Dahlia’s for so long. I never thought they’d get caught,” Laura said. But Dahlia’s reputation as the undiscovered, no-carding bar ended that night, with yelling policemen, panicked teenagers, and eventually, a revoked liquor license for the restaurant.

For kids under the age of 21 without fake I.D.s and with a desire to have a drunk night out with their friends, Dahlia’s was ideal. Over the years, news of its existence and disregard for the drinking age spread around the city’s high

school students through word of mouth. Students, at least the ones we interviewed, started going there around their sophomore or junior years. Typically, the upperclassmen would spill the beans to a few underclassman friends, who would then begin the cycle again when they became upperclassmen.

According to Carrie, a junior at Stuyvesant, Dahlia’s popularity grew rapidly in the past year, climaxing this January, close to when it was shut down. “There was such a big change from last year to New Year’s Eve. Last year, they were more cautious about it. I was denied once. But when I went on New Year’s Eve, it was insane. It really seemed like everyone was underage,” Carrie recalled.

The process for being seated at Dahlia’s, while nerve-racking, was relatively easy. Stuyvesant senior Jake described going for the first time. “I was nervous. I kept thinking, ‘Are they gonna seat us, are they not gonna seat us?’ But it was really easy. It wasn’t like they were oblivious. It was very intentional,” he said.

Laura had a similar experience.

“The first time I went, as soon as I walked in, this guy was like, ‘Oh, you can sit down and have a drink.’

That was the first time I’d ever been, and I was already being offered something,” she said. For others, the party would be asked for I.D., one person would show his or her fake I.D., and then the entire table would be allowed to order.

Sometimes, as in Carrie’s case, a teenager would be asked for I.D. If he or she responded with an excuse for not having it, and also some pressing, the waiter would accept the excuse as legitimate. “[My friend] said we’d forgotten our I.D.s, and that it was her birthday, and they let it go,” Carrie said.

In general, the staff was largely accepting of the kids who would come in to order drinks. “They treated you like adults. They were so open. They almost pushed you to it,” Henrik, a senior at Stuyvesant, described.

The servers would act as if their restaurant wasn’t entirely overrun by kids, some as young as 14. “They seemed indifferent. It was just like they were willing to serve,” Laura explained.

Once the teenagers would get over the hurdle of ordering drinks, they’d start looking around and taking in their surroundings more.

There’d be dimmed lighting, upbeat music, and a whole bunch of people talking, laughing and, dancing. Most nights, it was apparent that this was kids’ territory. “I saw a group of adults once, and it was really weird, and you could tell they felt weird, too. We just didn’t know how to react. They were very out of place,” Stocker said.

Only once in a blue moon would the place be void of teenagers. “One time I went there, and it was different. We looked inside, and it was empty. It was all people that were older, and we got worried, so we went to another place,” Abigail, a sophomore at Stuyvesant, said.

So, unlike at a typical bar, seeing someone over the age of twentyone was rare. Its no-carding policy was clear; Dahlia’s didn’t seem to be trying to hide anything. “Everyone was sort of in on it, because it was so obvious,” Henrik said. It would be filled with teenagers; so many of them, that it was almost inevitable that you’d run into someone you know. This closeness of the teenage community mixed with large quantities of alcohol lent itself to a friendly, sociable atmosphere.

Boundaries between tables were blurry. “A lot of people were friendly with each other. And if you saw someone you knew, you would just go up to them. There’d be a lot of friends trying to fit into one booth [...] it was a pretty loud place,” Rachel, a junior at NEST+M said.

In addition to this friendly atmosphere, some people felt a sense of empowerment by going there. “I was a fan, because I just felt so untouchable in there. I think it made me feel like more of an adult to be able to sit down, and order a drink in a restaurant. I liked the fact that I could go, and have dinner, and grab a drink with my girls,” Laura described. And people felt especially empowered by experiences they thought bonded them together with others. Rachel spoke of the birthday tradition the waiters had where they would put a sombrero on the person’s head and have everyone sing Happy Birthday. Laura reminisced about a sing-along session to the radio she had with the other people in Dahlia’s. “It felt like a little community in there,” Laura said.

But to others, the atmosphere at Dahlia’s made them feel uneasy.

“I was sort of uncomfortable the whole time I was there,” Henrik said. “It just felt like a farce.” He talked about how when he’d gone for the first time, he was new to the drinking scene, and found it excit-

ing and special. “[I went] because I was bored. Because it was exciting.

At the time, I eventually got into it, I got drunk, [and] it was fun. But I wouldn’t do it again,” he added.

There were various other negative aspects underage drinkers would have to put up with. The drinks were overpriced, and the food was “gross,” according to Rachel, and “crappy,” according to Carrie. It was a small, cramped space; instead of a television, it had a projector. Waiters were nice, but at times they took their jobs of appealing to teenagers too far. Most of them were male, and many of the customers were young girls, leading to uncomfortable and inappropriate situations.

Jake told a story where his friends talked to the waiters, got drunk, and started to dance with one of them. “The waiter kind of put his hands in her back pocket; it was a little weird,” he detailed.

Though completely uncalled for,

Others expressed discontent with the drinking age. “In most other countries the age is 16, so it’s kind of ridiculous that we can vote before we can drink,” Abigail said.

Henrik agreed that 21 being the required age was detrimental, but for different reasons. “I think it should be 18. The biggest issue is that it’s taught me that it’s very easy to break the law. I’ve run into the police, and I’ve gotten away,” Henrik explained. He felt that if the drinking age was 18, there would be less of a thrill surrounding it. It would appeal less to kids, leading them to be safer about it.

In fact, many of them not only felt that drinking alcohol is acceptable, but were of the belief that it is part of the quintessential high school experience. “In high school and college you should experience it. In those years, you experience things, and I don’t think that’s a bad thing,” Rachel said.

However, there are students

they managed to play it off with a comedic twist. “On her check, she wrote, ‘No tip, because he touched my butt,’” Jake said.

Physical contact was not the only distasteful (and illegal) thing that the Dahlia’s staff members did.

They would frequently give girls free rounds of shots, and, as some of the interviewees suspected, stronger ones.

Despite the sleeziness of the bar, the allure, alcohol, and the excitement of being intoxicated with friends made Dahlia’s worth it for many. It was the way Dahlia’s made them feel that kept them going back. “I never had a bad time at Dahlia’s. It was a very natural vibe.

And they definitely overcharged and stuff, but it was still fun. It was just the fact that you were there,” Jake said.

Some had a clear sense of how they felt about underage drinking, while others seemed more indifferent. “This is requiring a lot of self examination,” Jake said, laughing.

“I mean, logically, it’s bad. But it’s very fun.”

who have friends who have visited Dahlia’s, know the details of the experience, and are against the practice. Eliza, a senior at Stuyvesant, feels this way. She agreed with Henrik in that the drinking age should be 18, because it would lessen the excitement of getting drunk. Her feeling now is that kids aren’t using their heads when they get wasted at Dahlia’s. “It doesn’t sound like [people who’ve been to Dahlia’s] are being responsible. Getting drunk just for the sake of getting drunk seems like a waste of time,” she said.

Though Dahlia’s days of serving alcohol to teenagers are over, there are many other resources kids have for purchasing alcohol. There are restaurants and liquor stores scattered here and there that are infamous for not carding. As long as teenagers’ desire of alcohol stays strong, these places will keep up their operations. Word will spread through circles of friends until one night, like Laura, they will arrive at the door of the drunk-kid haven and find the place taken over by cops and terrified teenagers.

Danielle Eisenman / The Spectator

Danielle Eisenman / The Spectator

Dahlia’s: The Watering Hole of Underage Drinkers

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The Spectator ● April 1, 2016

Page 11

Opinions

Jessica Wu / The Spectator

Justice: Blinded by DNA’s Gold Standard

By Matteo Wong Over two decades ago, a Mississippi jury found Jerome Manning, then a young man in his early twenties, guilty of the 1992 murder of two college students. There was no physical evidence tying Manning to the crime scene, but, nonetheless, the prosecution’s case was a slam-dunk—they had DNA on their side, forensics’ “gold standard.”

Every person’s DNA is unique, so, in forensic science, if the DNA at a crime scene matches that of a suspect, they are almost guaranteed to be guilty. A strand of hair found in one of the victim’s cars was analyzed by the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) and matched Manning’s DNA. For Manning, the evidence was damning, and the jury’s decision became an easy one: according to the DNA, Manning was undoubtedly guilty.

In 2015, 20 years after DNA analysis helped the Depart-

ment of Justice (DOJ) sentence Manning to death row, the department launched an in-depth investigation into DNA’s usage in the criminal justice system.

It enlisted the help of the Innocence Project, an organization that uses DNA to exonerate the innocent. The results were shocking: in 96 percent of nearly 300 investigated cases, the FBI’s DNA analysts created faulty reports or gave flawed forensic testimony when presenting DNA evidence to the court.

Peter Neufeld, Co-Director of the Innocence Project, said, “These findings confirm that FBI microscopic hair analysts committed widespread, systematic error, grossly exaggerating the significance of their data under oath with the consequence of unfairly bolstering the prosecutions’ case.” Due to the DOJ’s findings, Manning has been exonerated.

Nine other people out of the 300 cases investigated, died from erroneous testimony.

DNA analysis was once heralded as a savior, transforming forensics from a game of probability to an exact science.

Over the past decade, DNA has played an important role in upholding justice, helping to both protect the innocent and punish the guilty. But its “gold standard” becomes more tarnished each year, as more and more cases cite errors in DNA testing. Another such case is that of Josiah Sutton, who served 4 years of a 25-year sentence for rape based on DNA evidence that was found inaccurate in 2004. DNA is vital to combat-

ting crime, but it can no longer be treated like a magical key to unlocking convictions.

One company that has improved DNA analysis in order to combat inac-

Anne Chen / The Spectator

curacies is Cybergenetics. Analyzing DNA can be very challenging, because samples often deteriorate or become contaminated, and thus it is easy to misinterpret lab results. Cybergenetics claims that TrueAllele, the software that Cybergenetics uses, avoids these errors by using new, sophisticated algorithms and taking into account all available data. Since 2009, TrueAllele has provided instrumental evidence in over 500 court decisions.

However, Cybergenetics won’t explain how the company’s algorithms work, or explain what data it uses, because it claims that the information is a “trade secret” that is vital to generating revenue. Even though TrueAllele has been

used to convict hundreds, there is no way to confirm that the company’s method is accurate or reliable. Lawyers and lawenforcement agencies have no choice but to have complete faith in Cybergenetics’ investigative reports, even though the science behind TrueAllele data is somewhat dubious. So, for seven years, the civil liberties of hundreds have been entrusted to, and potentially destroyed by, a corporation with almost no accountability.

Masking its algorithms as “trade secrets” makes Cybergenetics as secretive as the FBI. The investigation done by the Innocence Project into FBI hair analysis found that most errors stemmed from examiners citing faulty results to aid the prosecution. While it claims to be objective, as a private company, Cybergenetics also has plenty of incentive to give false results: it is favored by big law firms and the FBI because the evidence it provides is helpful and accurate.

Were Cybergenetics’ results less useful, it would lose the majority of its revenue, but by giving prosecutors the data they need to arrest culprits, whether it is accurate or not, the company creates a more positive public image.

To make sure DNA is being analyzed properly, crime labs like that of Cybergenetics need to be under constant scrutiny.

TrueAllele has the potential to improve the justice system, but its current usage exhibits the same flaws as those exhibited in FBI forensics labs: a lack of accountability. Though the

TrueAllele algorithms shouldn’t be universally available, associations like the Innocence Project, a far-reaching organization with a branch in nearly every state, should be able to verify TrueAllele’s software, as should lawyers and other forensic scientists. By thoroughly examining the program, the justice

For seven years, the civil liberties of hundreds have been entrusted to, and potentially destroyed by, a corporation with almost no accountability.

system can ensure fewer innocents are wrongfully sentenced, while ensuring that criminals are more effectively penalized.

Justice may be blind, but it shouldn’t blindly follow any evidence that presents itself.

Stephanie Chan / The Spectator

Racial Profiling’s New Disguise

By Raniyan Zaman Many remember the days of New York’s stop-and-frisk policy, when people of color walked the streets fearing undeserved suspicion and humiliation. After this was abolished, police turned to wearable technology, a system in which officers attached devices to their uniforms in order to communicate more easily. This swelled in popularity, but was too inconvenient and expensive to efficiently counter crime. Time and time again, different methods for preventing crime have been experimented with, but crime forecasting, which implements computer algorithms to predict where crime will occur, will prove to be just as ineffective as its precursors.

Predictive policing, or crime forecasting, relies on technology that compiles data to formulate a model that assesses the likelihood of a crime occurring at a

particular time in a particular location. The data used by such predictive methods includes records of reports of past arrests and crimes in order to identify crime “hot spots.”

Although this technology seems unbiased, the data used is flawed because it relies on records of arrests that may be influenced by personal bias from police. According to The Washington Post, FBI director James Comey acknowledged, “A police officer, whether ‘white or black,’ has a different reaction to two young black men on the side of a street than he does to two white men,” because of internalized biases that stem from the circular nature of racial disadvantage in the criminal justice system.

Even well meaning cops can harbor racial prejudices, which can lead to higher arrest rates among certain demographics (namely, black and Latino Americans). A 2013 report released by the American Civil Liberties Union, for instance, revealed that despite marijuana use being approximately equal among white and black Americans, blacks were 3.73 times more likely to be arrested for possession of marijuana than whites.

If prejudice leads to higher arrest rates among racial minorities, and members of these groups often tend to live in the same neighborhoods—an unfortunate but widely acknowledged

symptom of systemic racism— then crime forecasting services will encourage police officers to allocate resources into certain perceived “crime-ridden” neighborhoods rather than protect an entire locality the way

without thoroughly understanding and addressing the circumstances surrounding the crime.

Using such means of criminal detection allows us no insight into the criminals t h e m selves, w h i c h makes it harder to generate real structures to prevent c r i m e from occurring again.

In order to effectively Lynne Wang / The Spectator counter crime, we should focus they should. This on fostering strong relations and fosters resentment building trust between commuand animosity between these nities and law enforcement. A groups and the police. promising system that applies This controversy is further this system, called “community highlighted by the refusal of policing,” involves assigning pomany companies who design lice officers to communities they crime forecasting models to are familiar with and instructing disclose the nature of their al- them to live there, to make local gorithms. For instance, PredPol, residents feel more comfortable the major figure in the world of working closely with law encomputerized crime prediction, forcement. This would allow ofwas described in the San Fran- ficers to fight crime proactively, cisco Weekly as treating its al- listening to the public’s concerns gorithms as “closely guard[ed]” and cooperating with them to de“proprietary secrets.” This lack of velop solutions rather than treattransparency makes it easier for ing people as criminals in the police to justify biased actions making. This personal insight is that aren’t actually supported by something that technology is, as neutral data. yet, unable to reach.

Predictive policing shares It’s not hard to see why crime one fundamental flaw with stop- forecasting was initially so excitand-frisk: both attempt to pre- ing. It promises objective crime dict crime and root out criminals prediction without accounting

for biases reflected in the data itself and subsequent analyses of it. However, while technology has made several valuable contributions to law enforcement, it will never be an adequate replacement for the personal interac-

Even well meaning cops can harbor racial prejudices, which can lead to higher arrest rates among certain demographics.

tion and community effort that fighting crime requires. Instead of trying to guess where a future crime will happen, we should be analyzing why a crime happened and what we could have done to prevent it. This careful, community-oriented understanding of crime is the only approach that will make our streets safer.

Page 12

The Spectator ● April 1, 2016

Opinions

Jensen Foerster / The Spectator

Stuyvesant’s Failing Subject

By Fiona Cohen Every term at program changes, after waiting on line for three hours, I have been told the watercolor elective was oversubscribed. I’ve been told, “You’ll get it next term.” But here I am, a second term senior, headed to art school, having taken only a single art class at Stuyvesant. After talking to Assistant Principal of Music, Art, and Technology Dr. Raymond Wheeler to see if there was any chance that I could take another art class before I graduated, I learned that the only two art electives previously offered, mixed media and watercolor, had both been canceled due to a “programming error.”

Though this was not a mali-

cious action, but rather an issue of teacher availability, this situation just brings to light the real problem: Stuyvesant does not respect the arts in the way that it does other subjects.

Thriving literary magazines and art clubs after school prove that there is a creative environment at Stuyvesant—the environment, however, just does not receive the attention it needs from our administration.

Stuyvesant showcases the gap in treatment between art classes and more academic subjects through its lack of art electives, lack of required studio-based art classes, disallowing of students in chorus or band to take “tech” classes, and lower standards for art and humanities classes.

While there are upwards of 30 science electives at Stuyvesant, there are no art e l e c t i v e s.

Klaire Geller / The Spectator

This lack of options discourages students who might want to try art, making them think that their interests aren’t valid. Gifted arts students are also not afforded many of the special advantages given to those who excel in other fields at Stuyvesant. While students who place out of math classes at Stuyvesant (or want to take specific classes, like topography) are allowed to do so through Stuyvesant’s partnerships with colleges such as New York University, students who are artistically gifted are given no such options.

When Stuyvesant does try to teach the arts, it largely fails.

The only universally required art class at Stuyvesant has little to no studio component. The majority of art appreciation is lecture-based and centered primarily on art history. Thus, at the beginning of our high school careers, Stuyvesant teaches that even art is about memorization and testing. Stuyvesant’s failed art classes, in combination with a widely felt inferiority towards the arts, discourages students from pursuing them.

A d d i t i o n a l l y, though Stuyvesant does have some studio arts classes, these courses are not ideal.

Stuyvesant’s studio arts classes would do well to have two periods every day, as there isn’t enough time to truly study

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an art form in 41 minutes, especially since a good portion of that time is used to set up and clean up. Another problem with this setup is that it does not allow students in chorus or band to take other creative electives.

Why should students have to choose between music and art

should also make tech classes available for everyone, even if they are in chorus or band.

It’s worth remembering that Stuyvesant’s failure to provide a rigorous arts curriculum is not only unfair to those who want to take more creative courses, but also detrimental to the larg-

Gifted arts students are also not afforded many of the special advantages given to those who excel in other fields at Stuyvesant.

when they don’t have to chose between math and science, biology and physics, or even diseases and pathophysiology?

This attitude towards the arts—that they are less important than STEM subjects— needs to be improved. Stuyvesant should strive to make itself a more inclusive and creative place by offering more art electives and making art appreciation more studio-based, rather than history-based, as well as a year-long course. Stuyvesant

er learning environment and growth of the school. It has been proven that art helps kids focus, teaches them new ways to think and solve problems, and can be therapeutic. A lack of arts classes showcases a failure on the part of the administration to create a healthy and balanced learning environment at Stuyvesant.

Studying art is not a privilege.

It is as integral to one’s education as is math and science, and it’s time that Stuyvesant started treating it as such.

The Spectator ● April 1, 2016

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Page 13

The Spectator â—? April 1, 2016

Page 14

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The Spectator ● April 1, 2016

Page 15

Arts and Entertainment The Formation of An Activist: Beyoncé

MUSIC

By SHRUTHI VENKATA

When I first heard “Formation,” Beyoncé’s surprise single, the night of the day it was released, I messaged my friend Kaia. The exchange of praise for Beyoncé that followed ranged from how she’s provided us with motivation when we needed it to our aspirations to be like her—or rather, to be her. I have always known Beyoncé for her contagious confidence. Listening to “Countdown” on the train ride to school on many mornings has gotten me pumped for class first period. Listening to “Love on Top” on nights that I was bummed cheered me up before I had to start working.

Beyoncé is my motivation music. I listen to a large variety of bands and artists, but the majority of them don’t have a specific purpose, except for amusement, or at most, setting a mood. On the other hand, there isn’t a single time that I’ve listened to Beyoncé without having a deep mental exchange with the music. Most of her songs are connected with memories, like dancing on desks before debate prep, or listening to music before bed at camp, one of my favorite experiences each year. Beyoncé songs are like files of worthwhile memories to me.

The reason I choose her songs is largely that I feel like the lyrics are bleeding encouragement, and it seems to be their intended purpose. It allows me to reflect on the past while confronting the present. The targeted appeal and brutal honesty of “Formation” makes it even more powerful than many of her other songs.

The elemental message of “Formation” is Beyoncé’s declaration that she is unapologetically black—she is telling the world that she is proud of her roots.

“You mix that Negro with that Creole, make a Texas bama,” she sings. The line is a reminder that becoming the star she is today doesn’t mean that she’s lost her identity as a Southern black.

Beyoncé was born in Houston, Texas in 1981. “Bama” is a derivative of “Alabama,” and it is an insult that describes a misfit, or someone who’s doing something wrong. Beyoncé reclaims the term, and says that you can be a “bama” and still do every-

thing right.

When she sings, “You just might be a black Bill Gates in the making,” she declares that you can have the talent and success of Bill Gates and be black––the two aren’t mutually exclusive.

So, if people thought that Beyoncé reached her position because she alienated herself from her race and background, they are wrong. Beyoncé attributes her success to her identity, and doesn’t want us to overlook any specific parts of it just because we choose to.

Beyoncé’s video, released as the #BlackLivesMatter movement is escalating, brings light to innumerable social injustices and disasters. The song begins with her sitting on a New Orleans police car amidst an inundated city with houses split open and turned over. The scene references a post-Hurricane Katrina New Orleans. The hurricane demanded the solidarity and courage of millions of people in the South who were left without food or shelter for weeks, among other hardships.

Many black residents tried to regain a grip on their old lives, or restart their life by finding a job or buying a home experienced discrimination. It’s what made their experiences very different from those of whites.

She draws attention to other distinctly Southern, distinctly black experiences: people wearing Mardi Gras masks, glimpses of churchgoers dancing cathartically, teens in a wig shop wearing huge hoop earrings, basketball players smoothly swinging basketballs around their arms, and her adorable daughter Blue Ivy with “baby hair and afros,” as she describes in the song. The African American culture of the area is present all throughout, and the video shows it off, to prove that black is truly beautiful.

The direct political references in the video are hard to miss. A

Christine Jegarl / The Spectator

THINKPIECE

By ZOVINAR KHRIMIAN

The first time my sister cycled through all six seasons of “Gossip Girl,” I was disappointed.

How shallow, I thought, that my younger sister valued the superficial world of her television show more than her seventh grade assignments.

At the time, the idea of binge-

watching was preposterous, an abuse of the convenience of Netflix, where hours upon hours of television are readily available for mindless consumption. Before I knew what it was like to be pulled in by the power of a great story, binge-watching seemed to be little more than an unhealthy habit brought on by a lack of better things to do.

Despite this initial aversion to endless periods of Netflix binge-watching, as long nights of homework and studying gave way to summertime, I too was tempted by instant video streaming. As my sister was coming off her second run through of “Glee,” I was making headway in “Orange is the New Black.” The system of driving through two to three episodes in one night was exhilarating. I was left with the desire to discover what would happen next to my favorite characters. It was like being caught up in a great book. Ending the night with some laid back Netflix-watching became, for a short time, the daily norm.

Quality television, from

boy dances expertly while facing a row of white police officers holding guns. When he puts his hands up, they do too, as it ought to be in real life. The spray paint on the building wall reads, “Stop shooting us,” a message that police brutality needs to end. A man holds up a newspaper article with Martin Luther King Jr.’s face on it, with t h e

Tina Lim / The Spectator

headline “More Than a Dream.”

Beyoncé showed up the day after the music video was released at the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show clad in black leather and a side beret. Her outfit was a tribute to the Black Panthers, a civil rights activist group who used violent self-defense to protect black citizens. While they are a controversial part of history, Beyoncé’s critics question her right to model herself after them, and make her performance before a national, diverse audience,

full of views that both differ and agree with hers.

Meanwhile, other critics have been reading the “anti-police” sentiments in her video as a radical message. Beyoncé’s target was to counter police brutality and discrimination in the policing system. It’s a problem that needs to be acknowledged—it’s true that African Americans are put under more scrutiny under the law. They make up 50 percent of those in jails, but only 13 percent of the U.S. population. Beyoncé is opposing their being subject to more violence through this unfair inclination to be arrested or targeted by authority. She is not calling an end to the police or encouraging us to hate each police officer, but it is another step toward increasing awareness.

Still, more critics think that her lyrics oversimplify the circumstances surrounding her success story. She was born and raised in a middle class family, and defied the constraints that her background placed on her to become a star. She sings, “I dream it, I work hard, I grind ‘til I own it. […]

Get what’s mine.”

Her lyrics make it seem like anyone could be as successful, and that she reached this stage because she is a harder worker than many others.

In reality, she didn’t oversimplify her message, but listeners oversimplified its meaning. Beyoncé has more than enough reason to sing about her hardships and her successes alike. It was an important choice for her to publicize her song to as diverse an audience as possible—at one of the most viewed televised events of the year. Moreover, to those who say that Beyoncé is oversimplifying her success, she really means that the credit she earned was given where it was due. By

putting that message in a song about black rights, she is saying that more people need to receive their credit, too.

In the Saturday Night Live skit, “The Day Beyoncé Turned Black,” white people freak out about “Formation” because it isn’t for them, “but everything is,” as though most things are made most accessible to white people, but this song is bizarre in that it isn’t. The skit shows that sometimes, it’s a great thing for people to get a slap in the face. The song is for just as much for their education and understanding as it is for anyone else’s.

Our media in the United States tends to be dominated by a single perspective. Most things are written by, for, and about White Anglo-Saxon Protestants. If people of other backgrounds are represented, they are generally portrayed as simple stereotypes.

And, for this reason, our pop culture doesn’t even come close to reflecting the rich diversity of backgrounds in this country.

More than anything, we need to celebrate more cultural perspectives the way Beyoncé celebrates her own.

While I do not have the same ethnic background as Beyoncé, I personally relate to every theme Beyoncé mentions in “Formation.” Being of Indian descent, I feel incredibly proud when my culture is represented in American media, because it rarely is. I would love it if an Indian American artist were to describe his/ her distinctive experience in the same way. This is because “brown” people can be generalized, because there are social stereotypes for our varied languages and cuisine, and so much more.

I am proud of my culture, but I disagree with many of the ways it is portrayed. External viewpoints are either accurate or inaccurate, but rarely ever formed with a near complete background. Furthermore, in a world as globalized as it is today, and in a country that is home to so many people from the Indian subcontinent, ignorance is a tremendous sacrifice that should not have to be made.

Beyoncé’s stances on equality, womanhood, and cultural/racial consciousness are ones that I completely support and can learn from.

Why We Binge-Watch “Breaking Bad” to “Game of Thrones,” is almost irresistible when it’s available at the touch of a button. Escaping into the fictional world of our favorite shows is a departure from the constant

episode to episode.

Binge-worthy television is filled with intriguing storylines and relatable characters. They are produced to keep viewers wanting (and thus streaming) more.

While you could say that Netflix does in some ways distance us from our real lives, it doesn’t need to be an escape or distraction, but instead can serve as a way for us to appreciate creative and thoughtful concepts that we wouldn’t normally have access to.

multi-tasking and overwhelming nature of modern life. Furthermore, well-written characters can stir a deep sense of empathy, keeping the intrigue alive from

In the same way that our favorite movies often move us to tears, the most binge-worthy television shows also initiate a connection between the lives of the charac-

ters and our own. Thus, carefully composed characters are key in keeping viewers interested in the story, often to the level of bingewatching.

Before finding myself caught up in “Orange is the New Black” and “Glee,” the concept of bingewatching seemed inherently harmful. The detriments of late nights of snacking and sitting in bed like a poster-child couch potato greatly outweighed the benefits of immersing yourself in a compelling story. However, it is unfair to attribute bingewatching as the habit of a lazy individual. It is only natural to want to connect with people and their stories.

Binge-watching is, in some ways, a means of embracing a very well constructed world where there are dozens of characters to live vicariously through.

When time allows, it is nice to jump into another world, accessible at the click of a mouse. Of course, nothing can truly compare to real life relationships, but Netflix can come close.

The Spectator ● April 1, 2016

Page 16

Arts and Entertainment

MUSIC

By EMILY XU Sia is no stranger to the music scene. Having written chart-toppers, from Rihanna’s “Diamonds” to Beyoncé’s “Pretty Hurts” to three songs in the movie adaptation of the musical “Annie,” the Australian singer-songwriter has proved that penning lyrics is no daunting challenge for her, regardless of the style of music.

And she certainly succeeds with the electropop genre of her newest album, “This is Acting.”

It is Sia’s seventh album, and one of the most iconic things about it is the way Sia deliberately hides from the public eye. Even during performances on “Ellen” and interviews with “Nightline,” Sia hid behind the long, straight bangs of a wig, which confused audiences. But the reason why she prefers the obscurity of a wig is actually quite simple and probably unfamiliar to many other stars of today: avoiding the spotlight. When asked about it, Sia confessed, “[The spotlight’s] ugly. It makes me feel hunted.”

Sia’s choice to avoid the spotlight appeals shows how downto-earth and relatable she is. And that’s exactly what she presents in “This is Acting.”

The album’s concept is completely unique, as it is a compilation of rejected songs she wrote for other artists. She did not write the songs with herself in mind, with the exception of one, so writing them, she never had to worry about if it was something she would say. This is the foundation of her album title; she must act out the stories that came along with the songs. Regardless, Sia sings with such passion and emotion, it is impossible to categorize her as anything other

MUSIC

By VICTORIA HUANG “I like it when you sleep, for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it.” (ILIWYS) This poetic but clumsy sentence is actually the name of The 1975’s newest album.

However, the title is not the only confusing part of the album, as its eclectic sounds contrast, ranging from pop ballads to acoustic lullabies to modern rock.

Released on February 26, The 1975’s newest album is filled with soothing instrumentals, striking lyrics, and a diverse vocals.

The 1975 is a British alternative rock band from Manchester.

The group includes vocalist and guitarist Matthew Healy, guitarist Adam Hann, bassist Ross MacDonald, and drummer George Daniel. They have released four EPs and their self-titled debut album was released on September 2, 2013, peaking at number one in the UK Albums Charts.

The 1975’s debut album is often described as mellow and sedate, while ILIWYS is more eccentric and moody. To fans, their newer sound may come as a surprise, with the album coming with a wider variety of tracks. Meanwhile, to anyone else who just decides to pick up their new album randomly, the album may seem slightly unorganized and disoriented. It may seem like the band is still trying to figure out their own sound, which is quite odd for a sophomore album.

The first song of ILIWYS is a reincarnation of the first song off their first album. Their newer intro includes a chilling choir, which brings out Healy’s voice. Their main purpose for the background vocals seems to be to make Healy

No “Acting” Required to Love Sia’s New Album than bona fide.

The 12-track album opens with “Bird Set Free.” Sia’s voice is absolutely gorgeous, complemented with a catchy drumbeat.

In typical Sia fashion, the lyrics are thoughtful and charged with emotion and evocative metaphors. She confesses in the song, “There’s a scream inside that we all try to hide/Oh, it eats us alive.” The song is relatable, for sure, but there is so much more depth that lies beneath the surface.

Though the song was originally written for Adele, it is clear that Sia introduced some of her own feelings and experiences into the lyrics.

She struggled with drug and alcohol abuse, as well as bipolar disorder. She even attempted suicide in 2010. However, she got clean and sober, and has been ever since. Understanding the personal hardships she faced in the years leading up to her fame makes the song that much more powerful, especially the line, “I don’t wanna die.” This song is the perfect display of her character development, and it is utterly beautiful. Amongst all the recent pop songs about courage and finding oneself (think “Roar” and “Fight Song”), this one is the most heartfelt.

The next track, “Alive,” is clearly the highlight of the album. Also written for Adele, Sia showcases the same level of fiery emotion and intensity the Brit-

ish powerhouse would have. The song starts soft with piano, but quickly changes to a midtempo melody. At times during the high notes, Sia’s voice wears just a tad thin, but it serves a good purpose. It adds a sense of realism, as well as amplifies the song’s raw beauty and power.

“Reaper”

Angel Zheng/ The Spectator

is undoubtedly my personal favorite. Sia sings, “So come back when I’m good and old/I got drinks to drink and men to hold/I got good things to do with my life.” It fits in flawlessly on an album that extols the individual overcoming negativity to realize all the voids inside her are actually cosmos. The minimal, steady beat is a plus, as it allows the listeners to focus on Sia’s incredible vocals.

Another track that must be noted is “One Million Bullets.” It is unique on the album because it is the only song Sia wrote without another artist in mind. Her strong, soaring voice is the dominant element in all of her songs, and it is undeniable in this one.

The song starts soft with a lulling beat, but it gradually fades to emphasize Sia’s voice. It perfectly demonstrates the internal conflict of what feels right in the moment and what feels right in

the end.

That said, the chorus is perhaps the most cliché of all clichés (“I’d take one million bullets”), but there is so much passion, your heart aches along with hers.

Unfortunately, tracks like “Move Your Body” and “Sweet Design” bring the album down. These songs definitely should have stayed rejected.

Originally written for I-wannahave-fun gals like Shakira and Jennifer Lopez, the suggestive, bold lyrics and fast beat do not work in Sia’s favor. Her voice is much more suited for soulful ballads, not ditzy, absentminded dance songs. However, these are simply feel-good tunes, perfect for the club or a lonely Friday

night.

One of the greatest things about “This is Acting” is the fact that none of the songs are reminiscent of the typical mainstream pop song we are all so accustomed to and tired of. Sia assures listeners that she struggles through the same things we do.

She does not dwell in the topics that countless other artists of our time wallow endlessly on: love and sex. Her challenges are humble and ones that everyone can relate to – finding bravery and the good things in life to live for.

The album includes just the right amount of diversity, brilliant enough to satisfy even the most fervent of poets with “House on Fire” and “Broken Glass,” while still including laidback, upbeat tracks like “Cheap Thrills” for dance queens. But sometimes, the range of emotions Sia showcases is puzzling, especially when they don’t fit well together. She has a large number of songs about self-realization, so the additions of “Move Your Body” and “Sweet Design” leave the audience confounded about what the true theme of her album is. These dance songs feel out of place, thrown into the mix simply to make the track list longer. They stand out on an album that focuses primarily on soulsearching.

But Sia thoroughly dazzles, showing she can be both galvanic and tender. “This is Acting” is a phenomenal celebration of finding oneself amid the settling dust of defeated adversity. Sia takes her listeners on a journey of her self-healing, and it is too awe-inspiring and honest to be forgotten.

This Album Is Surely Beautiful Yet So Unaware Of It sound like angels surround him.

This 90-second long track embodies their whole album and tries to set the tune for what’s to come.

The first single, “Love Me,” brings an electric nature and more poppy style to the album. It has a fun and cheeky tone to it as Healy jokingly mocks celebrity culture.

In it, he sings, “You’ve got a beautiful face but got nothing to say.”

The track is greeted with a disoriented-sounding motif, which continuously pops back up throughout the song. In it, Healy’s range is extremely broad, as it tries to accommodate for all the higher and lower pitches needed of the song.

However, in addition to their more poppy vibes, The 1975 has softer tunes like ”She Lays Down” and calmer songs like “Lostmyhead.” They feature slower harmonies and gentler instrumentals to make you feel like you’re floating on a cloud. An attribution to this m a y i n clude

Healy’s singing style, which is definitely very different from other artists’. He can sing high-spirited songs like “Love Me” to more soft and mellow songs like “Nana.”

His vocals blend in very nicely with the instrumentals, creating a beautiful harmony.

Without a doubt, the instrumentals are the strongest part of this album. However, this album is a prime example that too much going on at once can be bad. ILIWYS consists of an abundance of long instrumental solos, some fitting perfectly with songs, while others are just awkwardly placed in the middle of songs.

One of their songs fully focused on the instrument, in this case, the piano, is “Please Be Naked.” The title may suggest something sensuous and lavishing, but

Carrie Ou/ The Spectator

it’s actually the same piano notes being played over and over very softly and slowly. This is definitely a song that puts you to sleep—not because it’s bland, but more of because it’s just so delicate.

In addition to the softer instrumentals, there are also the bolder ones. In “The Sound,” Hann confidently plays his guitar solo to match the upbeat song, and in “She’s American,” MacDonald skillfully blends the bass with the verses, creating the perfect harmony and carrying the song.

However, in “This Must Be My Dream,” a sudden saxophone solo interrupts Healy’s soothing voice.

The sax doesn’t contribute to anything and instead throws the listener off. What was supposed to be a song about his heartbroken feelings turns into a jazz tune that someone could happily dance to.

The solo doesn’t fit in with the mood initially created by Healy’s voice and lyrics.

ILIWYS is lyrically meaningful, for the band members draw on their own experiences and a teenager’s confusing feelings.

When first listening to “Paris,” it sounds like a romantic song that you would play for a loved one.

However, when listening more closely, you realize that Healy is singing about a girl and her drug addiction. He sings, “Mr. Serotonin Man, lend me a gram / You call yourself a friend?” which references to drugs taking over one’s life.

ILIWYS, in terms of the lyrics, builds on The 1975’s debut album, just with a new colorful aesthetic.

The 1975 disguises their deeper essence with fun names and flashy instrumentals. Half the time, the tune of the band’s song doesn’t match the darker meanings of the lyrics.

For example, “UGH!” is filled with happy tunes and bops; it sounds like something you would dance to at a disco party. However, the lyrics suggest otherwise. Healy sings, “And you’re the only thing that’s going on in my mind / Taking over my life a second time.” He is actually describing cocaine addiction. On the surface, this song may just be another pop song, but the lyrics give a different interpretation.

Maybe if the band laid off on the instrumentals for just a bit and instead focused on Healy’s voice, the true meaning of the song would shine through.

“I like it when you sleep, for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it” truly creates a new world brimming of mixed up tunes, beautiful instrumentals, deep lyrics, and breathy vocals—if you give some time to really listen.

The Spectator ● April 1, 2016

Page 17

Arts and Entertainment ‘Kung Fu Panda 3’: Identity Crises Through the Eyes of a Fat Panda

Anne Chen / The Spectator

FILM

By RACHAEL CHEN If mastering dumpling eating contests, sleeping until noon, and rolling down hills instead of walking meant mastering “Chi,” the spiritual energy of life that flows through all living beings, Po would be the legendary savior of kung fu in both the spiritual and the mortal realms—saving those both in the afterlife and the present.

In “Kung Fu Panda 3,” Po (Jack Black), a most ordinary panda and legendary dragon warrior, meets a worthy opponent in his journey to becoming a true kung fu master. However, this time, it is not a physical being who challenges him

most, but his internal struggles with his identity.

At a time of happiness and prosperity in the Valley of Peace, the homeland of kung fu, Po must suddenly face Kai (J.K. Simmons), a spirit warrior, who is immensely greedy for all of the Chi in the world. He battles others with a jade sword and an army of jade minions who contain all of the Chi Kai has stolen thus far.

Throughout the progression of the last two “Kung Fu Panda” movies, we monitor Po’s growth as a kung fu master and as a panda.

Throughout these films, Po benefits from the guidance of Master Shifu (Dustin Hoffman) and the

rest of the Furious Five, a quintet of kung fu warriors famed for their skills.

In “Kung Fu Panda,” Po learns perseverance and uses his passions to his advantage. Despite the bullying and rejection he receives from his master and the Furious Five, he continues to pursue his dream of becoming a kung fu master. In the second film he learns to channel a skill called “inner peace” under the guidance of Master Shifu. Po learns that he can accomplish anything with inner peace.

This time, however, in “Kung Fu Panda 3,” Po has no one to guide him. He must find his identity on his own by learning to accept things that happened in the past.

Despite the continuing story line, “Kung Fu Panda 3” is still an enjoyable film for those without background knowledge. Since I saw the third film first, followed by the second, and then the first, I certainly did not come into the theater with background knowledge.

The most recent film included just enough background information so that the audience would be able to have valuable interpretations of the film. By telling Po’s backstory, the film allows the reader to more deeply sympathize with Po as he discovers his internal self.

In addition, the audience is given a brief introduction to each character when he or she first appears, guiding us as we go on an adventure with Po. The first character we meet in this film is Oogway, Po’s first master and the creator of kung fu.

Oogway is an old tortoise who was once wounded and on the brink

of death, but was then saved with the power of Chi. He is known as the wisest master in the Valley of Peace, and he was its sole protector for decades. Though he speaks in riddles and predicts the impossible, it is clear that he is all-knowing.

At the start of the film, Oogway has recently departed to the spiritual realm, where he inhabits a beautiful cherry blossom tree.

When we meet him in “Kung Fu Panda 3,” he is seen peacefully meditating in his tree, until he gets attacked with dual blades of jade.

Kai, the attacker, is a yak with piercing green eyes and mysteriously powerful horns. He plans steal all the kung fu masters’ Chi and take the martial art for himself. When Kai begins an attack, he prefers to introduce himself as “Maker of Widows,” “Beast of Vengeance,” or “Master of Pain.” When he discovers that only creatures in the spiritual world (and not the real world) have heard of him, Kai becomes slightly agitated and disappointed.

This directs the viewer away from the reality that Kai is the film’s antagonist, and instead characterizes him as a typical human being who seeks recognition and fame.

Nevertheless, Kai manages to obtain great powers during his imprisonment in the spiritual realm and is able to defeat Oogway, the most powerful of Kung fu masters.

Po, the chubby and lazy panda, is the most realistic and relatable character. He is a passionate fan of kung fu who began his journey with no skills at all, making his struggle with becoming a kung fu

master feel familiar. His development into a master is a reminder that that everything takes effort, time, and will.

Po has never questioned his relationships with friends and family members, like his father, who is a goose. Yet, when his biological father (Bryan Cranston), a panda named Li Shan, comes looking for his son after not seeing him for practically his entire life, Po faces an identity crisis. His father doesn’t know anything about kung fu. Yet, he may be able to help Po uncover the truth about his past, and help him learn to become a true panda.

If Po succeeds in learning about his identity as a panda, he may finally find the answers to his internal dilemmas and discover his true self. And then with those powers, Po can master Chi and save the Valley of Peace from Kai. This struggle for self-identity is a dilemma that many of us encounter in our everyday lives, whether we’re children, teenagers, or adults. To properly categorize ourselves under one identity is often a painful and difficult process.

When people ask you who you are, do you describe your looks, personality, background, or position in society? What if we have multiple ethnicities or backgrounds, like Po? After all, Po was born into a happy panda family, saved by Mr. Ping, a goose, and then given the opportunity to return to his panda heritage.

Perhaps this is the true moral lesson behind this new film—that we should accept ourselves as who we are, and learn to overcome new difficulties with the companionship of those we trust.

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Adam Wickham/ The Spectator

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The Spectator ● April 1, 2016

Arts and Entertainment Your Guide to the Upper West Side

By ALEX BERG

Nestled between Central Park and the Hudson River, the Upper West Side is a neighborhood teeming with history, culture, great food, and interesting landmarks. The Upper West Side represents many different cultures, and is the home to world-class museums and performance centers. Despite being primarily residential, the Upper West Side has plenty of unique stores and exquisite restaurants, providing a never-ending abundance of activities for both its residents and visitors.

HOW IT ALL STARTED The area that is now the Upper West Side was first settled by the Lenape Native Americans who took advantage of the neighborhood’s close proximity to the Hudson River and created several trading posts. However, after the Dutch took over New York, the land of Upper West Side was primarily used for the construction of private farms.

The neighborhood became known as the Bloomingdale District, and grew increasingly affluent during the course of the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries.

Bloomingdale Road, which is now Broadway, served as the main artery connecting the Upper West Side to lower Manhattan.

In the 1860s and 1870s, both Central Park and Riverside Park were laid out and built. By the end of the nineteenth century, the Upper West Side was bustling with farms, villages, and trading posts along the Hudson.

In the early twentieth century, the first elevated subway line was extended to the Upper West Side, which made it much more easily accessible from lower Manhattan and transformed it into a very desirable neighborhood both residentially and commercially. After the First World War, the neighborhood’s real estate prices were extremely low, and immigrants moved in. During the course of the twentieth century, the white population of the Upper West Side grew immensely, and the neighborhood became the home of the largest Jewish population outside of Israel.

At the end of the twentieth century, real estate developer Donald Trump, who is also running in the presidential election of 2016, struck a deal with the city’s government to build up the southwestern portion of the Upper West Side with a series of skyscrapers, which further gentrified the neighborhood. Despite the development of many new skyscrapers, much of the Upper West Side’s history is still represented by buildings that date back to the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries.

what to do

William Bui/ The Spectator

Central Park is courtesy of wikipedia.org

The Upper West Side is home to some of the city’s most renowned museums. The American Museum of Natural History spans from 77th street to 81st street between Columbus Avenue and Central Park West. This vast building is home to some of the world’s biggest and oldest dinosaur fossils, and it features exhibits that range from prehistory to modern times. The New-York Historical Society is also located on 77th street and Central Park West, and it contains artifacts and paintings that mainly explore American History.

The Upper West Side is also home to Lincoln Center, which is where many incredible artistic performances take place, such as New York Philharmonic concerts, Alvin Ailey Dance Shows, and the Big Apple Circus, as well as the Metropolitan Opera and the New York City Ballet.

Aside from housing a plethora of word class cultural institutions, the Upper West Side also includes the famous Central Park, which is one of the most beautiful man-made parks in the world.

Spanning all the way from 59th street to 110th street, this magnificent park houses a multitude of clear lakes, grassy fields, fun playgrounds, and long biking trails. Central Park is perfect for relaxing in the sun, playing recreational sports with friends, or taking delightful nature hikes on the various trails throughout the park.

On weekends, the Upper West Side also hosts a handful of flea markets. The Flea Market at Lincoln Center takes place every Saturday from early afternoon until evening, and it is located at 66th street and Broadway. These outdoor stores sell a variety of interesting food products such as duck jerky, maple cotton candy, and applesauce doughnuts, all of which are both unique and delicious.

Another great outdoor shopping area is the GreenMarket on Sundays that spans from 76th street to 81st street on Columbus Avenue. These tents feature mostly clothing and jewelry, but some vendors sell unique items such as rugs and antiques. In the summer, the Upper West Side also has a ton of Street Fairs on Broadway that feature food from all over the world, such as Italian sausages, Middle Eastern shish kebabs, and Spanish arepas.

Although the Upper West Side has a reputation for not having any good food, there is definitely an abundance of scrumptious eateries in the area. Gray’s Papaya is a world famous hot dog vendor located on 72nd street and Broadway. This little store sells freshly cooked hot dogs with unlimited condiments at low prices, as well as a variety of tropical juices.

Zabar’s is representative of the Upper West Side’s Jewish roots.

This iconic Jewish deli consists of two parts: a supermarket and a cafe. The cafe offers a variety of delicious meals such as Zabar’s world famous potato knishes and a variety of freshly made paninis. The supermarket section also offers a variety of prepared foods from all different cuisines that are prepared fresh every day and can be taken home and heated up, such as salmon, latkes, pork buns, and chicken parmesan, all of which are bursting with flavor.

The Upper West Side is also home to two of the city’s best dessert spots. Levain Bakery is known for its gigantic cookies that come in a variety of flavors, such as chocolate walnut and double chocolate peanut butter. Although spending four dollars on a cookie may seem ridiculous, they are extremely rich and can easily be shared by two people.

Another delicious dessert spot is Beard Papa’s, which is an Asian cream puff bakery. Their delicious pastries are baked fresh every day and can be filled with either their classic cream or the daily flavor, which is usually either chocolate, green tea, or espresso. Beard Papa’s also offers a variety of mochi, which are small scoops of ice cream wrapped in gooey, gelatinous casings.

- In the TV show “30 Rock,” Liz Lemon (played by Tina Fey) resides on the Upper West Side.

- In the TV show “How I Met Your Mother,” the main character, Ted Mosby, lives on West 85th street.

- In the TV show “Seinfeld,” the main character, played by Jerry Seinfeld, lives on West 81st street.

- The film “Sex and the City” features many iconic landmarks of the Upper West Side such as Zabar’s and Gray’s Papaya.

- The “Night at the Museum” movies are set in the American Museum of Natural History, which is located on the

Notable Figures Zabars is courtesy of NYTimes.com

What to eat

William Bui/ The Spectator

POP CULTURE

- Songwriter and frontman of The Beatles, John Lennon, and his wife, artist and political protester, Yoko Ono. - Pop star, Madonna.

- Actor and comedian, Jerry Seinfeld.

- Actor and producer, Robert De Niro.

- Actress, Meryl Streep.

- Frontman of U2, Bono.

- Comedienne and actress, Tina Fey.

Although the Upper West Side is often seen as a boring residential neighborhood, it actually has a lot to offer. It is easily accessible by the 1, 2, 3, A, B, C, and D trains, and the neighborhood is definitely worth checking out. You can immerse yourself in history, nature, and Jewish culture by just taking a quick subway ride uptown.

The Spectator ● April 1, 2016

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The Spectator ● April 1, 2016

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“Colette helped guide me through the admissions process while also advising me on what would help and hurt my chances.

As a first-generation Asian-American I was at an extreme disadvantage during the college application process.

Neither of my parents attended college so everything I learned came from school.

In the end, her advice and aid helped me attain a full scholarship, something I wouldn’t have dreamed possible.”

Stanley Chen, Class of 2013

Colette Brown taught in the English Department of Stuyvesant High School for over a decade and in that time she advised thousands of her Stuyvesant students through the college admissions process. She recently left Stuyvesant to begin independently advising students full time.

Call or email Colette Brown for an appointment to begin personalized individual college admissions advisement. Her strong belief is that it is not enough to get it into the right school, but also fit into the right school for you.

646 467-0265 thecollegeadmissionsmaven@gmail.com THE COLLEGE ADMISSIONS MAVEN is on Facebook

The Spectator â—? April 1, 2016

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April 1, 2016

Page 22

The Spectator SpoRts Boys’ Lacrosse

CALENDAR

Successful First Shots for the Peglegs

APRIL

1

Friday

Girls’ Fencing vs.

Millennium H.S.

Brandon Lee / The Spectator

Stuyvesant, 6th Floor Dance Studio

Boys’ Baseball vs. Newton

The boys’ varsity lacrosse team, the Peglegs, woke up early on Saturday, March 12, to play their first scrimmage tournament of the season. Many of them had gotten home late from SING! performances, and would have to go from the tournament to Saturday SING! later that day, but they still pulled together to win three of their four scrimmages. A scrimmage is a very casual game of lacrosse, with running quarters, where scores are not recorded, with the ultimate purpose being to give the teams an opportunity to play against other teams before the regular season. The boy’s lost their first scrimmage against James Madison, but then won against Brooklyn Tech, Abraham Lincoln High School, and John Dewey High School.

The boys began their official season with a home game on Thursday, March 17. They played against A. Philip Randolph Campus High School, winning with a final score of 10-3. They held this lead throughout the game, and Stuyvesant was able to win with a fairly large margin. However, the game did not go exactly as planned.

The team members arrived at their home field, Randall’s Island Park on Randall’s Island—about a forty-five minute commute from the school—and started their game strong, scoring six points in the first quarter. The second quarter was going well when, three minutes to halftime, it started to thunder, and then there was

lightning. The referees blew the whistles, and both teams had to go to their buses for thirty minutes, a regulation during lightning storms. By the time the teams were allowed back on the field, their permit had expired, so they went to a nearby field to complete the game.

They finished the game with running 12-minute quarters, which means they stopped the clock for nothing. This situation could explain why the scoring was so low for this half of the game.

“Even though we had a good showing, it was still clear there is a lot of work to be done. We can go far [in the playoffs] this season because of the great senior players, but I think we could have done better in this first game because of the team we were against. But I think we’re going to have a great season,” junior Winston Venderbush said.

The new players are excited for the season, and also see a lot of potential in the team. “The team is looking good during practice. Our first few games should be easy wins,” freshman Alexander Khaled said. Khaled is one of the only two freshmen on the team. “[Practice] is alright, [but] intimidating because most of the players are juniors or seniors [who] are very experienced. But I am trying my best,” he said.

Lead by captains Dante Del Priore and Laolu Ogunnaike, the line-up, which features 10 seniors, has not been affected tremendously by the loss of last year’s seniors. Last season, the team made it to the playoffs, but was eliminated in the first round by Tottenville High School, losing 8-1.

“It was good to get some playoff experience, especially against the team that ended up winning the championship,” Ogunnaike said.

“We want to use that experience when playing in close games this year.” Ogunnaike is looking to win at least one playoff game this season, something he has never been able to do while on the team.

The boys’ varsity lacrosse team is motivated and eager to continue their season. Their second game was cancelled, because the team they were supposed to play had dropped out of the league.

Their third game, against Susan Wagner, went according to plan, but the Peglegs faced a loss with a final score of 11-7.

“We’re a really good team this year, with lots of really good players. But we were weak at the beginning of game. Not starting off strong is what caused what I think was an uncharacteristic loss. We came back and played really well, better than Wagner. We are a better team than them. But for some reason we couldn’t bring it back for the win,” Venderbush said.

Though their first few games are against easier opponents, others, like Hunter and Frederick Douglass Academy, will prove to be more difficult, especially since the Peglegs lost to both teams last season.

The Peglegs have had over ten practices so far and will continue to work diligently in order to fix the mistakes they made during games. “We’ll have to diagnose the problem in practice and treat games more seriously from the get-go now to really show our strength on the field,” Venderbush said.

Monday

Pier 40

Junior Frank Lin goes to challenge a ground ball against Columbus.

By Tahsin Ali, Muhib Khan, and Dylan Kim

4

6 WEDNESDAY

Boys’ Handball vs.

H.S. Environmental Studies

Stuyvesant, 6th Floor Gym

WRAPUP girls’ handball team, the Peglegs, won its first match against TheLaGuardia with 3-2 sets on March 23. on March 23, the boys’ tennis team, the Hitmen, won its first Also match against Lehman High School 3-2. he girls’ track team, the Greyducks, did very well at the Hornet T Relays, its first meet of the outdoor season. Junior Sharon Hu placed 3rd in the racewalk, and sophomore Joyce Wu placed 5th.

The varsity 4x1600m relay team (Catie Breen, Zovinar Khrimian, Amy Ren, and Ziqi Guo) placed second.

Softball

Renegades Set to Storm PSAL

By Ronin Berzins, Simon Carmody, and Michael Gillow After being knocked out in the first round of the playoffs last year by Staten Island Tech, the Renegades, the Stuyvesant’s softball team, are hoping to bounce back this season. The Renegades, who are in the highest division in Manhattan, Manhattan A, won nine games and lost seven last year. Coach Vincent Miller was satisfied with last season, but thought the team could have done better. Miller said, “Last year we made the playoffs.

We got knocked out in the first round. Our record could have been better. We had some very close games.” Last year’s success can be partly attributed to last year’s seniors, like former captain Meghan Mullaney (’15). To compensate for the loss of a strong bat and good leader, Miller has added some promising young freshmen who will complement the returning players.

“Expectations are very high [this season],” Miller said, “There are twelve new players [who] are capable to compete for a starting spot.”

Senior and captain Georgia

Kamm, an outfielder, believes that these players will help bolster the team’s roster. “I think we have immense depth on the team this year. We have girls that can play all over the field,” she said.

Additionally, Kamm predicts a lot of improvement from last year. “Defense is what’s going to win us those close games that we might not have won last year,” she said. This could help them improve on their already solid record from last season, and increase their playoff chances.

The Renegades are excited to have a strong group of returning players as well. “We

have some great young players in sophomores Charlotte Ruhl and Frankie Michielli, [who will] both be four year starters. They are part of a core group of players on the team.” The other two captains, Taylor Joines (shortstop), and Caitlyn Stanton (first base) will help lead the younger players.

Confidence is high for the Renegades after their successful outing at their first scrimmage of the year against Louis Brandeis on March 15, winning 10 - 4. “It went extremely well.

Everyone played well, on and off the field, by supporting each

other and making good plays,” Stanton said. “It’s the best start of the season I’ve ever seen, and I’m extremely hopeful for the rest of the season.”

When you bring a large group of new players together, team chemistry is always a concern.

In regards to their team chemistry, Stanton said, “I think we’re strong in our support of each other. Nobody sat on the bench when we were up to bat. Everyone made an effort to learn the cheers and be loud. I think we can start building our confidence and form[ing] ourselves into a seasoned team.”

The Spectator ● April 1, 2016

Page 23

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2/18/16 11:51 AM

Page 24

The Spectator ● April 1, 2016

Features

Kaia Waxenberg / The Spectator

Meet One of the 50 Incoming Freshmen Who Identify as an Unknown Race: Monterey Jack Cheese

By Tiffany Chen Along with the news of the incoming Stuyvesant Class of 2020 came protests from New Yorkers about the lack of racial diversity at Stuyvesant. Although Mayor Bill de

Blasio has discussed this for years, he has yet to do anything about it, only sending kids to school regardless of weather reports, in the hopes that at school, SophFrosh SING! might learn how to let a joke die. Despite complaints this time

Why We’re All Cannibals

around, de Blasio still refuses to do anything, because Stuyvesant now has a more diverse student body, with a piece of cheese being accepted into the high school.

Monterey Jack Cheser, known to his friends as “Jack,” was one of the 950 eighth graders accepted into Stuyvesant, which is only possible through passing the Seemingly Hard (A)Sessment And Test (SHSAT).

He was born in Middle-of-Nowhere, Wisconsin, where he spent the first 13 years of his life. However, last summer, he was packed into a large cardboard box, along with many other Monterey Jacks, and shipped off to New York City.

Cheser admits that he has never been more uncomfortable in his life. “I felt more violated than the Stuyvesant community did about SING!’s Top 5s,” he said.

He ended up in a large supermarket filled with overpriced and supposedly organic, GMO-free food items. After a month, he was finally purchased by a mom who owns 94 pairs of seemingly iden-

tical yoga pants and who apparently screamed, “The more expensive the cheese, the better it is!”

A month later, Cheser found himself at Stuyvesant High School with acquaintance and fellow freshman Nicholas Olsen. Olsen was unable to indulge in Cheser, claiming that his proctor, Spanish teacher Manuel Simón, threw away the piece of cheese. Because of this, Olsen did not notice Cheser taking the test and is unsure of how Cheser was able to obtain a Scantron, suddenly become literate, and be able to hold a pencil well enough to bubble in “C.” The Stuyvesant community has expressed excitement over Cheser’s acceptance into the school, believing that because he’s allowed into the school, all food and drinks should be allowed, as well. However, the excitement was only short-term; the administration is adamant in not letting students bring in food.

Others have shown an increase of salinity levels after hearing the news as well but for dif-

ferent reasons. “I can barely pass a geometry test without failing, but he can pass the SHSAT with no problem?!” exclaimed freshman Isabel Yin, throwing her notes into the air. “That’s absurd!”

Cheser only responded, “You mean, that’s ab-curd!”

Cheser, however, is excited to be able to attend Stuyvesant next fall.

“It’s not every day that you see a normal cheese like me go to a school, let alone a prestigious one like Stuyvesant,” he said. “It’s going to be a great experience, unlike watching Senior SING!’s repetitive plot.”

EDIT: After further investigation, it was revealed that Cheser’s scantron was covered in Monterey Jack cheese, which caused the Scantron machine to incorrectly grade his SHSAT as a flawless 800. Jack’s acceptance letter to Stuyvesant has since been redacted. “I am not going to be another principal who gets fired after a cheating scandal. That’s too basic,” said Principal Jie Zhang.

Stuy’s Newest Club: The Cheese-Tasting Club

By Michael Xu

By Kenny Lin Imagine being carted away and going through painful sterilization treatments as soon as you are born.

Imagine being shredded into tiny little strips or being squeezed to death between two ever-closing walls.

All these horrors, and more, are being committed to millions of innocent little Cheese blocks every single day. They have no childhood. They experience no pleasure; instead, they are forced into slavery before they are even named! Their voices cry out for mercy, and yet we continue to slaughter them unknowingly.

Toward the beginning of Earth’s history, humans evolved from the earliest apes, creating the Homo sapiens. What many do not know is that the first humans weren’t darkskinned: they were fluorescent orange. Or rather, they were ancient descendants of what we know today as American Cheese, who originated in modern-day France. These were a relatively peaceful species of herbivores. After thousands of years, however, a group of Cheese began to split off, growing arms

and legs and becoming the earliest humans. The two groups were peaceful at first, but eventually, the humans, who could not hunt down enough food, began to prey upon their brothers, ultimately enslaving them. Millions of years later, that relationship remains the same.

We continue to commit genocide by ruthlessly killing off Cheese.

There are hundreds of animal rights movements pressing for animal equality, yet there are none for Cheese. In the end, it’s mostly racism that keeps us from protecting the Cheese. As a minority race, the Cheese have simply had no say in the world’s white-dominated societies. In addition, even if they could form coalitions, there is the rather unfortunate aspect that they cannot speak. This makes it extremely hard to convince people of Cheese’s sentience, yet I can assure you, they can. It’s like with water bottles — you can’t necessarily hear them talking, but you know that they’re alive.

That’s why I urge you to stand with me to stop eating Cheese, and forego cannibalism once and for all. We should establish schools for Cheese, not kill them.

Stuyvesant’s newest club, the Cheese Tasting Club (CTC), rallies the cheesehead population at Stuyvesant together. Rather than pairing a wine and a cheese, the CTC pairs a homework assignment to a cheese. The club is extremely popular, boasting 1559 Facebook group members and 11 regular attendees. Junior and president of the CTC Rodda John showed off a pairing, telling the three people who would listen, “The gouda goes superbly with [biology teacher Marissa] Maggio’s lab reports. Both are exceptional stinky!”

The Spectator unfortunately could not make the CTC’s interest meetings last Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday because of post-SING! depression, but it interviewed students who were fond(ue) of the atmosphere of the CTC. “First, [John] gave us a Google Form questionnaire asking us about the classes we take. Soon, his site gave us pairing suggestions to cheeses that matched the class,” said freshman Hanah Jun, “and even explained the different varieties suitable for different tasks within a class. For example, for [history teacher Michael] Waxman’s class, the site recommended blue cheese to stay awake and Mongolian goat cheese to kiss up to him.” Jun added her grade in his class went up 20 points after the joining the CTC. The club has recently gained a cult following amongst students.

“I don’t know if I should skip my debate prep, my Spectator meeting, my swim meet, and my math tutoring to go to the CTC meeting, but I think I’ll probably go. I

Kaia Waxenberg / The Spectator

Kaia Waxenberg / The Spectator

Disclaimer: There is a number of cheesy jokes in this article.

just can’t get enough of the brie and 27 hours of genetics homework,” said sophomore Claire Liu. John points out that studies have shown cheese promotes brain activity. As expected, grade point averages have gone up an average of three points amongst club members. Scientific studies have also shown the power of cheese as

Funding from the SU has also been increased in an effort to fund higher-tier cheeses that start at $500 per pound. It has been deemed as a top priority from the SU, overtaking other concerns like hay rides and keypad locks. “It is imperative that we are able to find the best cheeses in this world and serve them at Stuyvesant, the best high

“The gouda goes superbly with [biology teacher Marissa] Maggio’s lab reports. Both are exceptionally stinky!”—Rodda John, junior a stimulant. Students are now using cheese to fuel late-night cram sessions. “Instead of going to Starbucks, I eat Parmesan,” said sophomore Steve Wong. Teachers have observed fondue stains on homework since the founding of the CTC.

school in the nation,” said Principal Jie Zhang. She recently sampled a piece of White Stilton Gold, made with bits of gold leaf, and pledged to serve it in the cafeteria’s meals, serving the world’s most expensive mystery meat cheeseburgers.

By Jacob Faber-Rico ASTONISHINGLY, THIS ARTICLE IS SOMEHOW NOT A WORK OF FICTION. In Issue 13, The Spectator actually reported on a piece of cheese, believe it or not. A dumb, stinking piece of cheese.

The cheese, which has done nothing more significant in its existence than sit idly by on a table while some fools put glasses on it and took pictures to post on Instagram next to meaninglessly-filtered shots of their breakfast and cats, both of which will soon be eaten and never, ever, ever cared about again. Nonetheless, The Spectator decided that the useless block of gorgonzola, or possibly limburger, which no one even cared about in the first place, is somehow deserving of four—get

this—four articles in The Spectator.

Four freaking articles. Ridiculous. In the same number of words, The Spectator could have outlined a treaty ending the Syrian Civil War. But instead of creating world peace, Editors opted to dedicate their valuable position as journalists to a discolored, misshapen, and mediocre hunk of coagulated milk proteins. “This is a truly spectacular hunk of coagulated milk proteins,” junior and Humor Editor Laszlo Sandler said. “It definitely stands out from all the other not-quite-white, not-quite-rectangular hunks of not-quite-coagulated milk proteins in the world.”

Moreover, three writers were apparently perfectly fine with wasting their time—valuable time that could have been spent finding a cure for amyotrophic lateral sclerosis or sleeping—writ-

ing about a dairy product sold at Ferry’s for just $2.99 a pound.

Amazingly, this is all 100 percent true.

By the time The Spectator was ready to be printed, the newspaper whose slogan is “The Pulse of the Student Body” had deemed that the piece of cheese with absolutely no importance to the student body whatsoever was worthy of an entire page-long spread.

One whole page. Do readers have any idea how many trees could have been saved if that single thin sheet of cellulose had not been printed?

Even fans of The Spectator were embarrassed at the staff’s sheer incompetence this time around. “I read The Spectator for all my hardhitting news,” said junior Gregory Dudick. “This is really stupid.”

Kaia Waxenberg / The Spectator

The Spectator Reports on Piece of Cheese

The Spectator ● April 1, 2016

Page 25

Features

SING! Leaders’ Pets as Performers: Nepotism or Last Resort?

By Wasif Zaman Along with the news of the incoming Stuyvesant Class of 2020 came protests from New Yorkers about the lack of racial diversity at Stuyvesant. Although Mayor Bill de Blasio has discussed this for years, he has yet to do anything about it, only sending kids to school regardless of weather reports, in the hopes that at school, SophFrosh SING! might learn how to let a joke die. Despite complaints this time around, de Blasio still refuses to do anything, because Stuyvesant now has a more diverse student body, with a piece of cheese being accepted into the high school.

Monterey Jack Cheser, known to his friends as “Jack,” was one of the 950 eighth graders accepted into Stuyvesant, which is only possible through passing the Seemingly Hard (A)Sessment And Test (SHSAT).

He was born in Middle-ofNowhere, Wisconsin, where he

spent the first 13 years of his life.

However, last summer, he was packed into a large cardboard box, along with many other Monterey Jacks, and shipped off to New York City. Cheser admits that he has never been more uncomfortable in his life. “I felt more violated than the Stuyvesant community did about SING!’s Top 5s,” he said.

He ended up in a large supermarket filled with overpriced and supposedly organic, GMO-free food items. After a month, he was finally purchased by a mom who owns 94 pairs of seemingly identical yoga pants and who apparently screamed, “The more expensive the cheese, the better it is!”

A month later, Cheser found himself at Stuyvesant High School with acquaintance and fellow freshman Nicholas Olsen. Olsen was unable to indulge in Cheser,

claiming that his proctor, Spanish teacher Manuel Simón, threw away the piece of cheese. Because of this, Olsen did not notice Cheser taking the test and is unsure of how Cheser was able to obtain a Scantron, suddenly become literate, and be able to hold a pencil well enough to bubble in “C.” The Stuyvesant community has expressed excitement over Cheser’s acceptance into the school, believing that because he’s allowed into the school, all food and drinks should be allowed, as well. However, the excitement was only short-term; the administration is adamant in not letting students bring in food.

Others have shown an increase of salinity levels after hearing the news as well but for different reasons. “I can barely pass Jarett Lee / The Spectator

a geometry test without failing, but he can pass the SHSAT with no problem?!” exclaimed freshman Isabel Yin, throwing her notes into the air. “That’s absurd!”

Cheser only responded, “You mean, that’s ab-curd!”

Cheser, however, is excited to be able to attend Stuyvesant next fall.

“It’s not every day that you see a normal cheese like me go to a school, let alone a prestigious one like Stuyvesant,” he said. “It’s going to be a great experience, unlike watching Senior SING!’s repetitive plot.”

EDIT: After further investigation, it was revealed that Cheser’s scantron was covered in Monterey Jack cheese, which caused the Scantron machine to incorrectly grade his SHSAT as a flawless 800. Jack’s acceptance letter to Stuyvesant has since been redacted. “I am not going to be another principal who gets fired after a cheating scandal. That’s too basic,” said Principal Jie Zhang.

A Stuyvesant Student Extra Ordinaire

By Alice Cheng It’s true. Stuyvesant has enough talented students to make any other specialized high school want to wallow in a bottomless pit of shame. That kid who sits next to you in Freshman Composition?

He has probably published a novel successful enough to provide himself a steady income until retirement. That student in your history class who worked with you on that group project? He’s most likely already working part-time for Google by now. That student who helped you with your classwork during math class? Don’t be surprised if she has already opened up her own business before you’ve even started receiving an allowance.

But amongst all the tech-savvy coders, musically-gifted composers, Olympic record-breaking

athletes, future Academy Awardwinning actors, and soon-to-be Nobel Prize-winning scientists in this school, there is only one person who does not stick out from the rest, only one student who does not rise above this mass of students who themselves seem like a pitiful group of wannabes in comparison to this overpoweringly average godsend. Rarely does the world bless us with such a prodigy, but when it does, it comes in the form of genius junior Joe Bloggs, Stuyvesant High School’s student extraordinaire.

It’s hard not to not notice him.

While moving from class to class, Bloggs immediately does not stand out in the hallway. His blue denim jeans, 50/50 cotton/polyester tshirt, and JanSport book bag do not make a striking fashion statement. “I think I got these pants 25 percent off at Gap,” Bloggs

boasted. On certain mornings, when Bloggs particularly feels like not breaking fashion boundaries, he even wears a jacket with his outfit to school. “It gets cold during the winter time,” Bloggs said.

When it comes to grades, Bloggs makes sure to do nothing more and nothing less than what is expected of him. For the past three years, Bloggs has been not exceeding standards by achieving a consistent 91 average. And during first marking periods, he is able to obtain not one, not two, but seven straight S’s on his report card. Teachers can’t praise him enough on his performance during class. “Joe Bloggs?” said English teacher Alicia Pohan. “Let me check my attendance sheet.”

As for extracurriculars, Bloggs manages to be involved in every club at Stuyvesant by visiting each of

their first interest meetings, signing up to be on their mailing lists, and never coming back to visit again.

With this innovative strategy, Bloggs manages to spend his time efficiently, and is able to leave a lot of spare hours for him to focus on other hobbies, such as watching Buzzfeed YouTube videos, taking long naps, and procrastinating intensely.

Most unimpressive of all, despite Bloggs’s not so busy school schedule, he still surrounds himself with acquaintances. With approximately 600+ of them on Facebook, many of them laud his especially boring abilities. “Wait, which one are you talking about?” said junior George Papastefonoutofu.

“Joe Blogs or Joe Bloggs? Or do you mean Joe Blahgs? Or Joe Blaughhs?”

Much of this popularity is due to his impeccable taste in music and food. Some of his favorites are

“I dunno. Anything that’s on the radio, I guess,” and “I don’t care. I eat cafeteria food every day,” he said.

As a joke, we decided to ask him what kind of rock he’s been living under his entire life, to which he humorously responded, “Granite.”

Bloggs does not have a blindingly bright future ahead of him.

Some days, colleges flood his inbox with e-mails, begging him to take seven-question-long quizzes to see if their school is the one for him. “I wish they would just leave me alone,” said Bloggs. Though Bloggs is unsure about where to go to college, he plans to major in “Undecided.” But wherever Bloggs goes, we can rest assured that he will not leave a lasting mark on history, for Bloggs is most definitely not your average Kevin.

Opinions 2020: A Look Back on Donald Trump’s Presidency

Alisa Chen / The Spectator

I be arrested? It’s the troops that fired on those families, the troops, not me. I’m fine, but the troops, they’re bad, bad troops. Something needs to be done about them.”

The Budget Of course, Trump created a balanced budget, if by balanced budget you mean a $5 trillion deficit. The president cut spending on everything from the Internal Revenue Service to the Environmental Protection Agency. However, all of that money went to a more important endeavor: building the Wall. Surprisingly, the Mexican government did not agree to pay for the Wall, and to avoid riots from angry voters, he paid for it with taxpayer money, which, as a result sparked riots from angry voters.

By Michael Espinosa

The 2020 presidential race is really starting to heat up. The incumbent president Donald Trump and his challenger Kanye West are neck and neck in polls, each hoping to be the Republican nomination to campaign against Bernie Bot in November. Trump has said that he really did make America great again after he beat the late Bernie Sanders in 2016, and hopes to “continue [his] legendary legacy of being the best leader in the history of the world.”

And you know what? He’s right; he really did make America great again. So let’s take a look back on all that President Trump has done in all 1,166 days in office, from January 20, 2017 to today, April 1, 2020.

ISIS Of course, the sheer power of Commander-in-Chief Trump was

more than enough to squash ISIS like the bug it was. One look at his stern face and hair waving majestically in the wind and every single terrorist fell to his knees and died of laughter. Being the great leader that President Trump is, he then immediately gave orders to the troops to fire on the families of terrorists. Despite the fact that our troops knew that this was in direct violation of the Geneva Convention, they nonetheless obeyed the President, because in his own words: “I am a very, very, very good leader, and our troops are good troops, very good troops. They know good orders when they see them, and you know what? They know to follow them.” Unexpectedly, over 10,000 of these troops are now being tried in international court on thousands of charges of war crimes. Trump has yet to be arrested, saying, “I’m not the one shot them, why should

Obamacare No president is perfect. Well, nobody but President Trump.

Nonetheless, if there were a flaw in his presidency, it would be his failure to repeal Obamacare and replace it with “something better.” In an attempt to reconcile angry voters last November, Trump said, “I guess you could say I changed my mind. I changed my mind, there I said it. I didn’t do what I said, but it’s not like Barack Obama did what he said either. It’s like we’re not even allowed to change our minds anymore, and I’ll tell you what. It has to do with political correctness. Today we can’t change our minds without being called politically incorrect.

I’ll tell you right now, when I’m reelected president, I’ll bring back mind changing, and I’ll make it a hell of a lot better than it ever was.”

The Economy For President Trump, bring-

ing jobs back to the United States started with bringing jobs back to Washington. He hired 3,000 Mexican guest-workers to build a new Trump Memorial because, “I want to leave my legacy in a monument that will remain in Washington forever, not in lower taxes and unemployment.” Once the Memorial was finished in 2018, he founded the Citizen Preservation Unit (CPU). The CPU employed millions of Americans by hiring them to erect statues in Trump’s honor in every county in the nation. Today, the program keeps millions of Americans employed and uses them to rebuild the statues once they collapse after a few hours.

Social Issues In an effort to increase the U.S. population, Trump has totally outlawed abortion for all women, no exceptions whatsoever. These laws have actually lowered the population since the mortality rates among babies and mothers during childbirth have quadrupled since he cut prenatal and postnatal care.

Energy What energy? Don’t you remember that Secretary of Energy Sarah Palin abolished the department on her first day? Providing energy to consumers is now left up to states or the private sector. This will definitely hurt Trump’s chances at re-election since half of the population of Florida, a state that was crucial to his victory in both the primaries and general elections, has mysteriously gone missing. In place of these millions of voters are millions of bodies of senior citizens who could not escape the rising sea levels. Trump says, “These corpses are here to take the jobs of hard-

working Americans all across the country. If I’m re-elected as President, we’ll temporarily ban corpses from entering the country and deport all the corpses already here.”

Criminal Justice In an effort to increase the number of people who can vote for him, Trump has decided to release all inmates from federal, state and local prisons. Literally all of them.

Entirely unexpectedly, the crime rate in the country skyrocketed. As a result, Trump called in the troops fresh off acquittal from international trial to fire upon civilians to keep several major Mid-western cities from being destroyed by gang violence. During this “war on organized crime,” the troops also targeted the families of gang leaders, and were swiftly arrested on more charges of war crimes.

Education Another shining example of the Trump presidency. After three extra years of students going through what Donald Trump called “educational torture,” he finally abolished Common Core, and with it, the entire United States Department of Education. Now that education has become the responsibility of each individual state, the nation has skyrocketed to 150th in the world rankings with only one high school from New York City’s Lower Manhattan keeping the country from falling down to last.

Indeed, this nation is greater than it ever was before, and it looks forward to another four years of being greater than great thanks to President Trump.

Page 26

The Spectator ● April 1, 2016

Editorials The Disrespectator

Staff Editorial

An Attempt at Proposing a Cohesive Solution for an Issue We May or May Not Have Contradicting Opinions About You think that you’re doing well in Health. You’re not exactly sure who Freud is, or why everyone seems to be so obsessed with drugs, but you’ve gotten solid 85s on the last three tests. Then, third marking period report card grades leak at 12:05 a.m., and you see you’ve recieved a 70 in Health. How did this happen?

You rummage through your papers, trying to prove that you don’t deserve such a low grade but only come up with one sad, ripped Scantron sheet. Maybe you didn’t participate enough. Maybe your homework wasn’t up to par. If only your teacher had uploaded your overall scores onto an online platform, so you could have known exactly how you were doing in the class. Grade transparency is integral for optimal student performance.

Cindy, this lede is irrelevant.

YOU’RE irrelevant, Julia. It’s not like you can write a better one.

Of course I can. This is proof that Layout editors just don’t know how to write. ♪Why can’t we be friends? ♪ The Student Union (SU) recently announced an initiative to implement an online gradebook through the learning management system, Engrade, with the goal of making students’ grades and academic progress accessible online by Spring 2017.

In line with the rest of our Staff Editorials, which mostly disagree with what the SU tries to do—just because—The Spectator’s Editorial Board has unanimously agreed that increasing grade transparency through an online system on Engrade will be a detriment to the student body.

Your last sentence doesn’t even make sense. We’re arguing for grade transparency, not against it.

That’s why we just scribbled that introduction about health class.

Guys, this is stupid. Grade transparency tied with the SHSAT when we voted on Staff Ed topics in Spec class, and all you guys have down for the grade transparency topic is a contradictory lede.

So, about the SHSAT—there are some positive and negative aspects to this test, so let’s discuss both and then you can decide whatever you want about the test as a reader.

Wait, actually, my computer has 3%, so I’ll be back in a bit.

You can’t use percent symbols in The Spectator, Nadia.

I know that, but I still like them.

People, stop, please.

We need to write a Staff Ed right now. You can fight all you want at Battery after 10th, but not right now.

Shaina, you’re such a killjoy.

Savage.

LOL whats good guys? ♪ WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE? ♪ i just got on the doc my b. what r we writing about again? oh wait nvm ill just read what we have so far lol.

Did you even graduate the first grade? You type like a hoodlum.

I’m so glad you’re finally here. These people aren’t productive at all!

No exclamation points in articles. wait wats grade transparency?

I guess you won’t be much help either.

I thought we were writing about the SHSAT. Were you people even in class? We’ve been discussing grade transparency since last December. We’re finally writing a Staff Ed on it.

That’s a horrible idea. No one even cares about grade transparency. i agree w nadia, shsat is wayyy bettr I bet you are the type to pronounce SHSAT as “sh-sat.” is that not how u say it? LOL im weak im hit ♪ Hit me, baby, one more time! ♪ Alec, stop writing song lyrics.

Guys, no one even reads the Staff Ed.

Do you even know the difference between an emdash and an en-dash? umm... em-dash has an extra “n.” ...

You mean [...].

All of the living human beings on this doc, stop right now. Please stop being savages and actually figure out an introduction.

Shaina, we have an introduction, it’s the one that I wrote.

YOU JUST USED A COMMA SPLICE. WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU? WE CAN’T USE THAT INTRODUCTION BECAUSE IT MAKES NO SENSE. We need to write a legit Staff Editorial by 8 P.M. tonight so that there can be words on the page that’s supposed to have the Staff Ed. Guys, no one even reads the Staff Ed. yeah word. chill fam.

Wait, guys, when is this due?

8 PM, I just said it.

Can YOU read? lol nah Sonia and Danielle just told us 8pm so we won’t send it in

tmm Yeah, they’re not even going to be home to read this at 8 o’clock.

Okay, back to the Staff Ed. While being able to see your grades all the time would ensure accurate grades, being able to see your grades down to the hundredth decimal all the time would create an even more grade-obsessed culture at Stuyvesant, providing an additional source of stress for students.

Hold on, are you against grade transparency?

Obviously. That’s what this whole thing is about.

No, we like grade transparency, remember? That’s why we had the example with health. We are literally going in circles here.

Your face is going in circles here. ♪ Round and around and around and around we go. ♪ The Staff Ed doesn’t have to have one opinion. We can discuss both sides.

No. No. No. No. nah ♪ No. ♪ i withdraw from this staff ed Okay. You didn’t do anything, anyway.

Let’s just write the conclusion and work backwards.

Fine.

In the end, you cannot have both a decrease in grade inflation and a healthy blindness to your fluctuating grades. The Spectator ultimately does not know where it stands on the topic of grade transparency. yo holdup we already at 953 words. long enuff rite? lets send it in.

And for the conclusion, we think the SHSAT has both good and bad aspects. nadia stop the staff ed is long enuff.

Donia, please educate yourself. Your spelling is atrocious.

Yeah, just let me say what I want to say, especially if you have no idea what’s going on. ♪ Say what you wanna say. ♪ The SHSAT provides a platform for all students to be able to prepare for a single standardized admissions test, no matter what their backgrounds may be.

This, however, has many of the same drawbacks as other standardized tests. Perhaps Stuyvesant could use a 2-step process that would take the top 1500 test scores and then examine their applications holistically to try to make things fairer.

Um, you should actually write “two-step,” and not “2-step.” Plebeian. yaaaas were done. imma send 2 danielle and sonia You didn’t even do any work… lmao ur buggin. kk i sent it guys!!

Messenger Basketball High Scores

“The Basketballs of the Student Body”

Albert Eisenstein* Editor-In-Chief 2400

Elsa Eisenstein* Editor-In-Chief 2401

Annearchy News Editor √2

Julia “L’ucello” Ingram*

The Bully News Editor 0 (but actually)

Acheng220 Features Editor 8(cos150+isin150)

Geeba Jung Features Editor 42

Lizzard Mcguire Features Editor Higher than yours

Zora “JEW!” Arum* Opinions Editor 666

Asher Lasday Opinions Editor

Nah La* Opinions Editor -eπi

Enver #modern Ramadani

Alec “Du or Dai” Dai Humor Editor 3

Laszlo “Top 5’s Hurt My Feelings :’(“ Sandler

Little Italie Photography Editor 2% milk

Corn Waxenberg Photography Editor £3.50

Mt. Fujie Art Director 8773934448

Max “The Professor” Onderdonk

Sports Editor -4

Shaina “I finally made it to the masthead” Peters Humor Editor-In-Training

404 score not found

So like, it is 9 in this chat but I swear I got 34 in a different chat.

Dean Steinman Sports Editor Forty thou to a hundred thou

Nancy Cao Photography Editor -1

News Editor 38

Sports Editor 7

Humor Editor

Liana “What’s your name, man?” Chow

Liam “Liam” Elkind

Karen “the cool dog mom” Chen

Arts & Entertainment Editor

Arts & Entertainment Editor

Arts & Entertainment Editor-In-Training

394

π√3

-√6

Christine J-Egg&Earl(Tea)

Weeween Len Art Director 8

I can’t remember my name.

Layout Editor Error 410

Tina “Latina” La Layout Editor log7

Fionna “Du or Dai” Du

Copy Editor <3

Copykate Copy Editor -i

Zoe “Like” Orlin Copy Editor 0

Evelyn “L’oiseau” Gotlieb*

The Dominator

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Business Manager 34

Business Manager-In-Training

Art Director ε

Michelin Stars Layout Editor 4i

0.001

Web Editor 3.01

Please address all letters to:

Gfinks Faculty Advisor Over 9000

345 Chambers Street New York, NY 10282 (212) 312-4800 ext. 2601 letters@stuyspectator.com We reserve the right to edit

For the

Sebastian “Dank Memes” Cain

Web Editor -1/12

letters for clarity and length. © 2016 The Spectator All rights reserved by the creators. * Managing Board

R ec or d

In Issue 12, we made a mistake in our SING! Highlights by not placing your crew at first place. We deeply regret having given recognition to the individuals and crews whom the members of the Editorial Board (and only those who did not participate in SING!) voted upon. We are very sorry that we picked the top performances based on merit and will be sure to take a different approach next year. We are confident that by putting you as first, everyone else will be happy, too.

The Spectator ● April 1, 2016

Page 27

Opinions Point-Counterpoint: With Whom Should Sonia Epstein Go to Prom?

Point: Sonia Should Go To Prom With Alec

By Alec Dai Sonia Epstein is a wonderful young woman who should go to prom with me for several reasons.

Firstly, I have obtained a 99 in health, and I have scored a 100 on my test on the reproductive system. Furthermore, my desirability is displayed by the fact that my health teacher has initiated sexual relations with me in an educational role-play performed in class. I know all of the contraceptives, as well as the emotional benefits of a relationship.

Secondly, as a member of The Spectator’s Editorial Board, I am incredibly qualified to date the Editorial Board’s dictator. By allowing me to take her to prom, Sonia will be able to eradicate all talk of The Spectator being nepotistic. As the person who objectively chose me to be on the SING! Top 10 list, it makes sense for her to objectively choose me to be her date, as well.

Thirdly, I have met with a rabbi and am willing to become a Jew. I also love matzah ball soup.

Fourthly, I have extremely good reviews from my previous girlfriends. In a Yelp post, junior Zoe Orlin writes, “Alec is incredibly dedicated to relationships. We dated for four years, and he has already held my hand.”

Finally, junior Laszlo Sandler is incredibly dedicated to his balls, spending several hours each night playing soccer. Also, when guarding the sacred net, he is dangerously inconsistent. As sophomore Stina Trollback describes, “Sometimes he wears gloves, sometimes he doesn’t.” Regardless, with all the time spent playing with black and white balls, he definitely does not have time for a girl.

Counterpoint: Sonia Should Go To Prom With Alec

By Laszlo Sandler, with additional reporting from Alec Dai Sonia Epstein is a wonderful woman and should go to prom with me, I guess.

While I’m not sure why, I have heard that prom is a nice thing and that sometimes, the lucky attendees get a kiss. From what I have heard, cooties no longer exist at our age, so that’d be cool, I guess. Alec says he has a lot of reasons why you should go with him, so you should probably go with him. As much as I’d like to wear a suit, I have been told I have [many] girlfriend[s], and I have also been told that I shouldn’t ask someone to prom unless they are one of my girlfriends. So, in that case, she’s all yours, Alec.

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Counter-Counterpoint: I Feel Triggered

By Sonia Epstein Frankly, I am disgusted. This petty argumentation, this notion that I can just be passed from one man to another—this is the gross behavior that perpetuates the corruption of our society. What you have had the audacity to write in our venerable newspaper is blatant objectification of women. You may say that what you have written is insignificant, harmless. But off-handedly uttered phrases are what coagulate to form the toxic rhetoric that festers within our daily encounters. This is what encourages the oppression of women in each generation. This is an outrage, and I will not stand for it.

But sure, Alec, why not?

Arts and Entertainment Whatever Happened to Moral Decency?

Our mass media has been polluted by vulgarity. And because of recent advancements in personal technology, the crass disgustingness that today’s youths call “pop culture” (did you really expect hoodlums to spell out the word “popular”? No! Because the dirt they listen to has killed off all of their brain cells.) follows them everywhere, tainting their lives in every living moment.

This is why we, The Spectator, the righteous ringleader of the student body’s collective purity, cleaned up a variety of popular, indecent songs in an attempt to help you troubled hooligans transition to a more sensible lifestyle. Do enjoy, but not extravagantly so.

“[Dear Friend], Don’t Kill My Vibe” Kendrick Lamar Hip-hop “[Thank] Tha Police” N.W.A Rap “[Absolutely] Perfect” P!nk Pop “I [Would Never] Hate You” Godsmack Alternative Metal “The [Long-Haired Substitute Teacher] is Back” Elton John Pop “[Respect] You” CeeLo Green Contemporary R&B “[Honestly Work] My Way Up To The Top” Lana Del Rey Alternative

“Fly [Objects of the Utmost Necessity] Only” Future Hip-hop “[Obey the Appropriately Strict Rules Laid Out To] You” Lily Allen Pop “Bubblegum [Enthusiast]” Marina and the Diamonds Pop “[Very] YOUNG/PERFECT” Tyler, The Creator Hip-hop “[Befriend] You” Garfunkel and Oates Folk “I Don’t [Behave in Questionable Ways] With You” Big Sean, E-40 Rap

“[Respected Colleague] Better Have My Money” Rihanna R&B

“[Role Model] Friendz” 2Pac Hip-hop

“[Charming Young Woman]” The Rolling Stones Classic Rock

“Back off [Buddy]” Fun N’ Roses Classic Rock

“[Heck] Ya [Affirmatively] Right” Drake Hip-hop

“Too [Healthy] to [Engage in Risky Behavior]” Dead Kennedys Punk

“Who [on Earth] Are Arctic Monkeys?”

Arctic Monkeys Indie Rock “Merry Christmas, Kiss My [Wise Aunt Gertrude On the Cheek]” All Time Low Pop Rock “Boss [Modest] [Young Lady]” Ptaf Rap “[Faith]” Bring Me the Horizon Emo

“[Provide Support To] Em Only We Know” Banks Indie Pop “Me & My [Wife to Whom I am Faithful]” The Neighbourhood Indie Rock

Page 28

The Spectator ● April 1, 2016

Arts and Entertainment

Courtesy of Elizabeth Lawrence

“Olaf in Bed” Recounts the Harrowing Tale of a Snowman In Need of a Little Love

By Liam Elkind

Well aware of Technical Drawing Communications teacher Robert Rosen’s affinity for all things “Frozen,” junior Elizabeth Lawrence hoped to secure her grade with a final project representative of Olaf, the misfit misshapen snowman who comes to life in the popular film, “Frozen.”

The project itself was beautifully crafted. The bottom, a truncated cone formed from white paper, was rigidly shaped and awkwardly placed below the rest of the main body, purposefully

evocative of Olaf’s internal struggle to fit into a world of humans despite being a snowman. The arms, also formed from this disposable 0.0028-inch-thick paper collected sustainably from the exotic rainforests of Taki Taki, a little-known island off the coast of the Paris-China border, are able to rotate around the main body (a cylinder made out of white paper collected from deep in the heart of the Sahara jungle).

With each rotation, we are given further insight into Olaf’s fluid movements and undying humor, even in a world that doesn’t fully accept him. The blinding whiteness of the project reminds us that he is, indeed, a snowman.

The nose, however, is a beautifully supple and orange carrot that juts out of the main cylindrical face. The orange color is in stark contrast to the rest of the figure because it is so dazzling. It serves as a reminder to us to be ourselves.

The artist noted her inspiration came from Edvard Munch’s “The Scream,” saying that “Munch revolutionized the idea of horror through still-life. Too much detail would have been dishonest to my goal of present-

ing the ambiguity and abstractness of life around us. We don’t always have to conform to the mainstream methods of being a snowman.” Lawrence’s use of paper in her project was her tribute to cubist painter Pablo Picasso, who also utilized the material in his sketches.

Despite Olaf’s unusual shape, the social commentary given by the misshapen, awkwardly taped body parts is enough to move even the most cold-hearted of us all. Lawrence noted, “I just wanted a good [emulation of my favorite artists, and to bring attention to the uniqueness that Olaf displays throughout the film]. And since I knew Mr. Rosen liked Frozen, I figured it would be a good way to get an easy [social commentary of how our perpetuation of ‘body-perfect’ stereotypes is damaging to the individual and society].”

Olaf comes complete in a tissue-box bed, a perpetual reminder that comfort can be found in the most mundane of objects.

Fully aware of the social importance of the project, and ever a fan of Frozen characters, Rosen reacted pleasantly to the project, saying that it was “satisfactory.”

A Food Review Abstract

By Karen Chen

The atmosphere of the coffee shop was great. The coffee itself was the perfect creamy brown, wet soil, charred, improperly roasted, tarry, yeasty, smoky, tobacco pipe-like, dry, oniony, phenolic, zingy, creosol, overwhelmingly stringent, unexpected, sweaty, soapy, lactic, almost tallowy, wet cardboard, rank, roasted hazelnut, furry, candy-like, Swiss, sugar browning, nippley, rubbery, piquant, fizzy, delicate, acidy, sweet, lukewarm, powdery,

good, bad.

Soggy, intense, buttery, classic, gourmet, filet, gray, hay, bae, winey, cooked beef-like, tipped, fruity, honey-glazed, grassy, basmati rice-like, juicy, intriguing, kosher, greasy, pungent, herby, heady, Asian, alkaline, leasy, raw potato-tasting, musty, black, plump, flaky, fluffy, velvety, toothsome, succulent, dull, pureed, non-fat, penetrating, mouth-watering, low-sodium, jumbo, heart smart, nutmeg, gingery, crisp, moist drink.

Five Steps to Taking an Aesthetic Selfie

Lin-Manuel Miranda Gives Mediocre Performance

By Liana Chow

The composer, lyricist, rapper, actor, begetter of “Hamilton the Musical,” Twitter celebrity, Protean creator of the Coast Guard, Loud Hailer, voice of the music at Spectator Arts & Entertainment department meetings, and god Lin-Manuel Miranda has had a lot of good ideas. “Hamilton the Musical” was a good idea, as was persuading Emma Watson to beatbox.

On Monday, March 14, however, the White House’s Twitter feed released a video of Miranda’s freestyle rap at the Rose Garden, during which he thought of three bad ideas in a span of one minute and 43 seconds, amounting to a mediocre performance. Critics hadn’t realized before that Miranda was capable of mediocrity, and they have since been left scratching their heads and questioning the meaning of art, along with the validity of the U.S. Constitution.

President Barack Obama gave Miranda the prompts for his freestyle, showing governmentrelated words on cards in quick succession. The two influential men were framed by stately white arches and given a beat by a military drummer.

Miranda’s first bad idea was demonstrating to President Obama that he knew how to read.

Instead of incorporating the first two words, “Constitution” and

“POTUS” into a sentence, or even an independent clause, Miranda chose to read them out loud by themselves. “Constitution, the POTUS,” he said out loud. He then added guiltily, “I’m freestyling, you know this.”

This was disappointing, since when he freestyled on Jimmy Fallon’s Tonight Show, he used the given words to form sentences. These two lines raised philosophical questions about the state of art, such as whether freestyling is really freestyling if the freestyler does not form original content until he announces that he is freestyling.

Miranda quickly began forming sentences out of the words, but made his second blunder, which was using the word “asinine,” which means “extremely or utterly foolish” according to Merriam Webster, to describe the presidential doges. When prompted with the phrase “Sunny and Bo,” Miranda spit back, “And Sunny and Bo is canine, it’s insane, asinine.” (Apparently, Hunter College High School’s English department is not as strong as Stuyvesant’s.) Miranda should be thankful for our Constiutionally-protected free speech, as Obama did not seem amused by the sudden attack on his dogs. Finally, Miranda’s third mistake was to rap “Oh my gosh” twice within four bars.

“Well, I don’t believe that Lin has done something mediocre,” said junior Liam Elkind while watching the r a p . “ He’s

Christine Jegarl / The Spectator

clearly standing amazingly, wearing a blue suit impressively, talking in his own voice, and blessing with his supreme breath whatever air he’s breathing into.”

However, as Elkind watched the end of the video, he was verging on tears. “If Lin can do something mediocre, what does that tell us about the universe?

That all of those times when I rapped ‘Guns and Ships’ in a terrible French accent were a waste of time? If Lin has performed a second-rate rap, does the United States of America even exist?”

The POTUS, meanwhile, chose to ignore Miranda’s missteps and declared at the conclusion of the rap with a straight face, “You think that’s going viral? That’s going viral.” Indeed, the video of the rap did go viral. Miranda gave a tragically ordinary laugh at the end and announced, “I foresee you speaking those words.” He looked as though he wished he could erase certain parts of that freestyle from the narrative.

Sadly, it is clear now that he has no control who lives, who dies, or who tells his story. It seems as if he may be nothing more than a mere mortal, a human being composed of flesh and blood, like me or you.

Actually, who am I kidding? The man wrote “Hamilton.”

Vivian Lin / The Spectator

1

By Geena Jung

After buying the Momofuku Milk Bar’s Cereal Milk Soft-Serve, find a brightly colored mural in the Lower East Side or East Village, and push all other ‘grammers out of the way.

2

Wear an alien graphic t-shirt from Brandy Melville, a choker, black Converse, and distressed boyfriend jeans. Also, wear nerd glasses, even if you have 20/20 vision. If Warby Parker is overcrowded, poke the lenses out of a pair of those plastic 3D glasses they give out at movie theaters.

Looking intelligent, but not intimidatingly intelligent, is in.

3

Tilt your head to the right at a 37.56 degree angle so that you are facing your Natural Lighting Selfie Lamp from Amazon. Never look directly at the camera. Instead, turn your face toward your armpit, so that you can simultaneously check if you remembered to wear deodorant and look as if you are contemplating the use of literary devices in “The Sorrows of Young Werther.”

4

Be natural. a. Wear reflective sunglasses that cover three-fourths of your face so that only your defined jaw line and fleeky brows are visible. If you are not currently in possession of a defined jaw line and fleeky eyebrows, you needn’t worry. There are plastic surgeons and aestheticians out there to help you.

b. Bleach your hair, arm hair, leg hair, eyelashes, eyebrows, and ear hair to match Gwen Stefani’s luscious locks.

5

“No filter” is always the best option. a. Download VSCO and upload your photo. Use the A4 filter, set the exposure to +2 (+3 if absolutely necessary), contrast to -2, temperature to -1, and the highlights tint to blue. Don’t touch the fade option. That’s just unnatural and disgraceful.

Voilà, your photo is now worthy of being posted on Instagram!

Be prepared for an influx of likes and completely genuine comments saying “Wow #goals,” or the classic “[eggplant emoji].”

If you get any relatively positive comments, be sure to deny that they apply to you and say, “No, you are!” Be sure that you have cleared out your schedule beforehand so that you can spend the next six to 26 hours refreshing your photo.

However, if the ratio of number of likes to seconds after posting isn’t 1327:4, you might as well just delete the photo. That most likely means the Williamsburg mural you were photographed in front of wasn’t aesthetic enough, or even worse, that you touched the fade option. But remember: If someone bullies you, don’t be afraid to report it! You are beautiful just the way you are, and nothing matters except for what you think. Don’t forget to take a picture of my inspiring post and tag me in it!

The Spectator ● April 1, 2016

Page 29

Layout Your Guide to the Layout Department b en ax W ia Ka

g/ er

e Th

r to cta e Sp

Kaia Waxenberg / The Spectator

By Xinyi Gu, Tina La, Michelle Lin, and XINYI GU

The layout department specializes in formatting The Spectator and making it beautiful.

The layout editors arrange textboxes and images on a computer to format articles, allowing for the creation of the physical copy of the paper. Layout always puts its full effort into making sure that its work is impeccable, so that the paper looks beautiful and is easy to read, with not a single place out of word. Everything fits just right.

Alas, the layout depart-

ment seems to be a rather obscure department. During every recruitment session, at least one student walks up to the layout department, looks at the editors as if his or her brain has just landed in the Gulf of Mexico, and asks if “layout” is even a word.

To remedy this pressing issue, we, the layout editors, have decided to outline everything you need to know about the layout department in hopes of piquing interest in our department and making the number of applicants for

How to Join

J o i n i n g the layout department means that you become a member of an exclusive group.

All applicants not only must complete The Spectator’s Common Application, but also the layout department’s Supplemental Application, the Orsgong. All applicants must leave their third period class at 9:36 a.m. and lock themselves in the basement until 9:36 p.m. The applicant must then climb up ten flights of stairs and capture six alpacas from the tenth floor bathroom within two minutes. After stepping on all six alpacas at once while chanting “Shaina is very legit,” the applicant will turn into a microwave with two legs.

The three layout editors will then appear from the newly-installed paper towel dispenser and congratulate the applicant for accomplishing this arduous task. Only the best microwave can accomplish this arduous task.

ADVERTISEMENT

What Members Do The layout editors have exchanged 46 e-mails trying to figure out what the members do. For now, the editors have decided to give them the task of tending to the tenth floor bathroom alpacas.

What

Editors

Do

The layout editors, who

Pansamufonto - Makes the entire article the same font

Vertioutquilt - Places a vertically-oriented object

Nonoddspas - Makes all text evenly

spaced

Unlinerearu - Draws a straight line

Layout always puts its full effort in making sure that its work is impeccable, so that the paper looks beautiful and is easy to read, with not a single place out of word.

the next recruitment surpass zero.

actually lay out the paper, use a program called OutDesign CS6.

Unlike other desktop publishing software, OutDesign CS6 uses audio input for commands. Due to the copious amounts of white space left over on this page, we have included a list of commands that we used for this article:

A relatively unknown yet important part of The Spectator, the layout department consistently creates flawless arrangements of the newspaper for each issue. Stop by the layout department table at the next Spectator recruitment, and join the crew.

Page 30

The Spectator â&#x2014;? April 1, 2016

Art Meet the Artists

Angel Zheng / The Spectator Adam Wickham / The Spectator

Yuxin Zheng / The Spectator Daniel Tam / The Spectator

Klaire Geller / The Spectator Nikita Borislov / The Spectator Tiffany Leng / The Spectator

Tiffany Zhong / The Spectator

Amber Yang / The Spectator Vahn Williams / The Spectator

Vivian Lin / The Spectator

Rachel Zhang / The Spectator

Carrie Ou / The Spectator Tina Lim / The Spectator

Lynne Wang / The Spectator

Emily Wu / The Spectator Minseo Kim / The Spectator Joyce Gao / The Spectator

Jennifer Huang / The Spectator

The Spectator ● April 1, 2016

Page 31

Filler Take By

Harry

Potter

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Sports Exciting Chess Match Keeps Several Onlookers Awake Sophomore Eugene Thomas took on a strong opponent from Beacon High School on Saturday, March 19, in what turned out to be a thrilling match between the two players. This level of excitement was largely due to Thomas’s daring opening: a pawn to E4.

With such a gripping match set to unfold, it was no surprise that four of the 11 spectators at the event were able to stay awake for its entirety.

“Today truly showed our school spirit and great support of the chess team at Stuyvesant,” Thomas said.

Unfortunately, some people weren’t able to make it all the way through. Among those spectators was sophomore Ray Jones, who reportedly fell asleep in his half-

eaten Chipotle burrito around the 13th move of the match. “I’m not really sure what happened.

I think the [excitement] of the match was just too [overwhelming] to handle after Thomas moved his knight to F6,” Jones said.

Sophomore Charlie Reeder, Thomas’s teammate, was happy with the match’s attendance, but she doesn’t expect it to continue.

“This kind of match is a once in a lifetime opportunity. You rarely see such a gripping pawn-massacre. Knights took pawns, rooks to pawns, even pawns took pawns.

It was all so grossly brutal,” she said. “And when [Thomas] moved his king to F1, the part of the crowd that was still awake went wild. That level excitement is just too tough to top.”

Kaia Waxenberg / The Spectator

By Max Onderdonk

Kayaking Class To Be Held in the Third Floor Gym

By Nadia Filanovsky To meet the demand for specialty physical education classes, which now include ballroom dancing, rollerblading, competitive rock climbing, chess, advanced curling, and actual exercising, the physical education department has decided to intro-

duce a new class: kayaking.

Originally, the plan was to hold the class in the Hudson River, but the river did not pass any of the 683 Department of Education (DOE) Health and Safety Regulations. Plan B was the first floor pool, but it did not offer enough space. Plan C was the eleventh floor pool, but when the

DOE health inspectors arrived at Stuyvesant to inspect it, they could not find it.

Plan D, the current plan of attack, and the only one to be approved by the DOE, is to offer the class in the third floor gym and gymnastics gym. Though the kayaks would not be in water, they would still be on wheels, and students could repeatedly whack their paddles against the ground to move. In fact, maneuvering the kayaks under these conditions would provide students with a good opportunity to strengthen their abdominals and arm and leg muscles.

Because the administration has found no physical education teacher who wants to teach this class, Assistant Principal of Health and Physical Education Brian Moran will be teaching it.

The administration is confident that this will be one of Stuyvesant’s most coveted classes.

Dean Steinman / The Spectator

Runnin’ Rebels Implement Facebook Messenger Basketball as New Method For Tryouts

By DEAN STEINMAN After going 1-13 in the 2016 regular season, the Runnin’ Rebels, Stuyvesant’s boys’ basketball team, have decided to impose a new system of tryouts. Instead of having athletes play real bas-

ketball in an attempt to impress physical education teacher and head coach Philip Fisher, students will now join a group chat on Facebook and compete for the best scores on “Messenger Basketball.”

Facebook Messenger Basketball is a phenomenon millennials haven’t seen since the days of— dare I say—Flappy Bird (gasp).

With the updated version of the Messenger application, users can click the basketball emoji and find themselves at the footsteps of a vastly complicated game. By swiping a basketball in a certain direction, a user scores points.

If the user misses a single point, the game is over. The game gets harder after every 10 points as the basket moves around the screen.

“Aside from having an Intel research team clone [star junior and Jesus look-alike] Michael Feinberg four more times, this is our best shot at obtaining the high level of talent we need to compete against the other teams in the league,” junior Tobias

Lange said.

Because a top score guarantees a spot on the team, many of those who missed the cut in previous years have taken it upon themselves to practice on their phones for days at a time. “To be honest, I’m not very good at [basket]ball so this is my last chance to be able to be a member of the team, workout, and get massive,” junior Jacob Grunebaum said.

Many feel that mastering this craft is more manageable than practicing actual basketball. “[It’s a lot easier to be part of the basketball team now]. It is [almost] as easy as [making up quotes when] writing an article for The Spectator,” junior John Park said.

Junior and Spectator Copy Editor Zoe Orlin has been practicing all week because team managers are also to be determined by the new process. “Hahaha I [like] honestly just wanna be a part of the team because [like] I really like the team’s colors,” said Orlin, who has been re-

jected from the position for two years in a row. “Hahahaha and I wanna [like] wear the cool hahahahahahaha shirts and the [like] cool shorts that they get LOL.” Because of its new importance, the game has infected numerous group chats, with Stuyvesant students practicing for hours at a time. Some, unimpressed by the game, are opposed to this change. “Guys can you stop spamming with [notifications of your scores]? If you really want to play, use a different/smaller chat or just use a private one,“ sophomore and Humor Editorin-Training Shaina Peters said in The Spectator group chat. Peters is also known to have a distaste for games such as chess. “My point is, it’s really spammy and every time I hear that someone sent a message I can’t tell whether it’s important or spam.”

Several players on the team have also voiced their displeasure, as their membership has no impact on the roster for next season. Lange had just been no-

ticing his gains after a post-season workout when he heard of the news. “I’ve been on the team for two years already, and I really wanted to be named captain next year,” Lange said. Nicknamed “M.F.,” or “Mega-Forward,” Lange led the team in rebounds with 91 in the 2015-16 season. Though Lange has a presence at the top of the leaderboard in many categories, foul shots (free-throws) is not one of them. Lange has yet to throw a free during his career as a Runnin’ Rebel, something he seeks to improve during the offseason.

Students such as junior Zachary Wakefield who have been recruited to join the Runnin’ Rebels have been notified and cleared from the roster. Over the past two years, Wakefield— unlike Lange and Feinberg—has dominated the free throw category at venues not affiliated with Stuyvesant and was thought to be a major contributor for the team in the upcoming year.

Page 32

The Spectator ● April 1, 2016

Photo Essay Teachers Dabbing

(From left to right.) Ms. Genkina, Mr. Holmes, Mr. Brown-Mykolyk, Mr. Dyrland-Weaver, and Mr. Brooks

Mr. Cocoros

Mr. Barbin

Mr. Sandler

Ms. Garber

Sr. Weldon

Mr. Konstantinovich

(From left to right.) Dr. Markova and Mr. Miller

Dr. Winkel

Mr. Choubaralian

Mr. Galano

Mr. Fisher

Mr. Sterr

Sr. Bravo

Dr. O’Malley

Ms. Garcia