The Disrespectator The Stuyvesant High School Newspaper
Volume CV No. 12
April 1, 2015
Morning Announcements Take 50 Minutes
STUYVESANT, NEW YORK – Third period teachers launched an array of complaints after the morning announcements lasted throughout third and into early fourth period. Although the details of the situation have not been made clear, a school spokesperson confirmed that events began after student announcers Fia Hargil and LJ Cabutaje locked themselves in Assistant Principal of Organization Saida Rodriguez-Tabonne’s first floor office with a compilation of hip-hop from the early 2000’s, a book of poorly translated Indian proverbs, and the iconic two-and-a-half foot ice bong that has influenced much of their work. Students first reported the incident shortly after third period began, when the Pledge of Allegiance was repeated first forward, then backward, then by Hargil, who attempted to recite it in one breath. The number of complaints increased during Hargil’s recitation of an ancient Cherokee rain chant. However, the consensus among the student body appears to be that the unusual length of the announcements was not realized until well into Cabutaje’s rendition of N.W.A’s hit single “Straight Outta Compton.” The announcements proceeded until five minutes into fourth period, when teachers managed to enter the office, interrupting a segment which Cabutaje titled “Contemplating the sound of one hand clapping.” Deans had previously been called to the scene, but were
unable to interfere as any situation not involving cell phones is technically beyond their jurisdiction. No record of the exact content of the transmission has been released. However, school officials have confirmed that in the 45 minutes between the Pledge of Allegiance and their capture, Hargil and Cabutaje managed to broadcast at least 15 minutes of their manifesto, as well as a call and response for anyone bearing Satanic texts, and an a capella rendition of Elvin Bishop’s “Fooled Around and Fell in Love.” Students also confirmed that the announcements included several minutes of one of the announcers humming the bassline of Kayne West’s “Gold Digger” and an offer of $15,000 for information leading to the capture of the Mongolian thieves who stabbed history teacher Michael Waxman.
Though the incident was unexpected, it was not unprecedented. Student announcers often suffer from stress stemming from the job, most notably former Student Announcer Clay Walsh, who became so anxious that he was forced to keep his pet rat on his person at all times. In the previous semester, announcer Theo Klein broke down during a blood drive announcement and spent 15 minutes muttering incoherently about needing blood. The school is currently investigating the incident, and has not released an official statement. Meanwhile, students are lobbying for no punishment for the announcers, with a majority holding that the joint recitation of Tom Lehrer’s “The Elements” constituted more education than they usually receive during third period.
Luna Oiwa/ The Spectator
By Randolph Higgins
Ms. Hall Reveals Secret Behind Her Dislike of Rap Music By jordan hodder In an exclusive interview, music teacher Holly Hall recently revealed a long-buried secret about her experiences with rap music. “My demons have haunted me long enough, so I think it’s time to come clean, kiddos,” Hall told reporters. “I actually don’t mind rap at all, though, don’t get me wrong, today’s artists have got nothin’ on the real Gs of the golden days.” As it turns out, Hall’s alleged dislike of rap disguises something else entirely: a desire to protect her students from the dangers of the rap world, in which she was once a well-respected member. Hall entered into rap in the early 1990s as a freestyle rapper in the Los Angeles underground hip-hop scene. Styling as ‘Valkree’, she made a name for herself due to her old-school, laid-back rapping style and mercilessly aggressive lyrics, she eventually crossed paths with rising star Tupac Shakur. “My homeboy Tupac and I were real tight,” Hall said. “And, to this day, whenever life gets me down I remember that, somewhere up there in gangsta paradise, Tupac is watching out for me.” Shakur cited Valkree as a creative influence for his seminal “All Eyez on Me,” and it is rumored that Hall has the lyrics to “California Love” tattooed on her back. Hall and Shakur collaborated on her breakout album, “Halla at Me,” which helped bring her to the forefront of mainstream music. She parted ways with Shakur due to ‘creative differences,’ which music historians have since attributed to Shakur’s growing distaste for her extremely
violent lyrics, which often extolled murder and drug use. Soon after the split, she released her solo Christmas album, “Deck the Hallz,” which was a Certified Platinum bestseller. After a short solo career, she caught the attention of rapper ‘Stone Kold Killa,’ with whom she formed the group ‘Fiya and Ice.’ The group won widespread acclaim for its explosive style, and collaborated with artists such as N.W.A. and Dr. Dre. However, Hall found herself increasingly embroiled in a dark and violent underground world. She was arrested in 1995 for illegally owning endangered animals as pets, though she was eventually released due to a lack of evidence. She was also a major participant in the infamous East Coast vs. West Coast feud. After Shakur was tragically killed in 1996, Hall’s lyrics became increasingly inflammatory and antagonistic. “When they capped Tupac, her rhymes got heavier than Beethoven’s Fifth,” Stone Cold Killa said. This aggressive period in Hall’s career has since been dubbed ‘The Ride of the Valkree.’ Soon after, Hall and her partner were accosted by friends of the rapper Notorious B.I.G., who had recently been killed in a drive by shooting. Though evidence linking Hall to Biggie’s death has always been inconclusive, her hostile lyrics had caught the attention of the men, who mugged the hip-hop trio while hurling insults at them. “They took my rings; they took my Rolex,” Hall said. “But when they dissed our rhymes it was the last straw. I brought the pain and laid them bustas down.”
In the ensuing fistfight, Valkree and Stone Kold Killa barely made it out alive, suffering serious injuries that sometimes ache to this day. After this tragic turn of events, the duo, disillusioned with the gritty hip-hop underworld, not only swore off the rap underground scene, but also decided to dedicate their lives to protecting impressionable young students from the horrors of the rap world. “I really think that I do a great job of distancing students from music,” Hall said. Once they secured spots as teachers, Valkree and Killa agreed to bury their past identities, and have always blamed rap for taking close friends and years of their lives from them. When Hall applied for a teaching position at Stuyvesant, she was asked about her past experience by the administration, and replied without thinking that she ‘sang opera’—a Compton euphemism for freestyle rapping. After her meaning was thankfully misinterpreted, she decided to stick with the alibi. However, according to Hall, it’s a challenge every day to maintain the charade of hating rap music. “It’s hardest to keep up the façade when I see kids like Payton Gallagher walking around with Biggie Smalls t-shirts,” Hall said. “I have to pretend not to know who Biggie is, when all I want to do is grab the kid by the collar and show him what it sounds like when a real G spits fire.” Though Stone Kold Killa wishes to remain anonymous for professional reasons, Hall’s comments reveal that she most likely works in the Stuyvesant Music Department as well.
“The Hypebeast of the Student Body” stuyspec.com
How Students and Teachers Spend Their Spring Breaks By Daniel Goynatsky Students • Staying hydrated. • Very hydrated. • Writing the “If you were Odysseus, would you still love Penelope” essay that was due three weeks ago. • Going outside to tan, only to realize that it’s snowing for the 78th time this year. • Watching every episode of “Friends” on Netflix and thinking about how great it would be if you were hanging out with your friends right now. • Ordering from Seamless at least nine times. • Practicing a rehearsed speech about “the broken 2/3 train” causing your lateness. • Thinking about “What experiences/qualities [they] have that [they] would be able to draw upon as Big Sibs.” • Finally catching up on some needed sleep by going to sleep at 2 a.m. instead of 3 a.m. and waking up at 4 p.m. instead of 6 a.m. • Keeping up with the Kardashians. • Receiving nightly emails from Principal Jie Zhang about the new schedule, new DOE policies, changed air conditioners, cute jokes, and Google questionnaires from Keiran Carpen and Jonathan Aung. • Being on the train and seeing your teacher in a casual and informal setting and quickly looking away before they see you.
Teachers • Spending time with their children playing games, going to the park, and travelling. • Wishing they weren’t spending time with their children playing games, going to the park, and travelling. • Grading the “If you were Odysseus, would you still love Penelope” essay that was supposed to be returned a week ago. • Catching up on some “Downton Abbey.” • Seeing Facebook statuses from students about them getting into college and reminiscing about the times when you were younger and had so much more freedom and were not constrained to the creative jail cell that is the school and had a rebellious fervor and long hair. • Practicing a rehearsed speech about “general lateness and unacceptable percentages of homework completions.” • Making charts of their favorite students and creating a bracket of who would win in a debate in a subject of their choosing. • Visiting the hottest jazz clubs in South Jersey and Long Island after reading the recommendations in the latest issue of “The New Yorker.” • Painstakingly drafting new and improved lists of bad jokes. • Being on the train and seeing some kids with paper bags and wondering if any of them are your students.
Students Realize Popularity is the Most Important Thing on Planet Earth By Winton yee The Spectator, a high school newspaper written by high school students, released its high school review of the high school production of SING! on Friday, March 20. Many students, upon reading the reviews and not seeing their high school performance exalted with the highest praise, realized that what mattered the most to them was high school popularity. “Did I have a lot of fun during SING!? Sure,” senior Warren Zeng said. “Did I make new friends, create memories to last a lifetime, and learn that I could do something I didn’t believe I could before? Yeah. But I don’t care about any of that. When it comes down to it, I need to be recognized for my godlike performance in the high school newspaper, and have the scum of this school sing praises of my name.” Many other students shared this sentiment. “I read the Spectator to be showered in unsubstantial flattery and honestly I’m feeling so attacked right now,” junior David Hodorowski said. Facebook posts also exploded in response to the reviews, as stu-
dents leapt to prove to their 3,287 friends (all of whom they had met in real life) what a joke The Spectator was, in a desperate bid to save face. “Haha, spec is a joke!!! go ghh!!!!” read one post, which gained 64 likes and saved senior Huwon Won from the dregs of unpopularity. Particular venom was saved for the SING! Top 5’s written by the Spectator staff. “YOUR OPNION IS DUMB AND IRRELEVANT,” junior Rahul Debnath said. Many students, upon reading the Top 5’s and not seeing their crew mentioned, realized that they participated in SING! not for fun, not for the memories, but for popularity. This was what mattered: being validated through a high school newspaper in Top 5’s which were voted on by about ten people. These ten people, forced to make their decisions in about 35 minutes to get the paper out in time, apparently hold the key to Stuyvesant students’ satisfaction in their lives. As of press time, a Change.org had been created a petition to increase the Spectator Top 5’s to the Top 4,978, so as make sure that all SING! participants were recognized for the special snowflakes they were.