Struggling, pain and the liberating feeling of talking

On 19th August 2016, aged just 45, my dad, Stephen Gartland, known as ‘Garty’, sadly took his own life after a battle with depression. He was a loving, thoughtful, and generous man who always had a smile on his face, giving up a lot of his time to help others. Although he always had a huge smile, he couldn’t express his thoughts or emotions, and felt like he couldn’t reach out to people.

From the outside perspective, my dad looked like he had ‘everything’: a caring family, a great job, successful rugby league career, so many supportive mates. But, no matter how good someone’s life looks from the outside; you never know what that person is truly going through. Knowing that my dad felt like he had no other option breaks me, as I know there was so much help out there for him. But my life goal is now to make a difference for others.

Stephen Gartland

What have I learnt from this life changing experience?

1. No matter how big or small your problem is, it is so important that you talk about it.

2. Being positive doesn’t mean you have to be happy all the time. Being positive means that even on your darkest days, you know that there are better ones coming.

3. And - no matter how bad you feel, please remember that your situation is temporary and there is so much help out there.

Since my dad’s sad passing, with the help of some amazing individuals, I now run a weekly male mental health talking group, Andy’s Man Club in Rochdale at Mayfield Sports Centre in Castleton, as well as being a trustee of the Stephen Gartland Foundation.

Since Andy’s Man Club opened in Rochdale in November 2020, over 100 men have walked through the door, talked, listened, and now have a fantastic network of support. Some of these men now even help run the group alongside me. Andy’s Man Club now has over 50 groups nationally, and is a safe, confidential, and non-judgemental place where men can come and talk about their problems, every Monday (excluding bank holidays) at 7pm.

Of course, admitting that you’re struggling is one of the hardest things you can do, but it’s also one of the most liberating opportunities you can gift yourself with. Once you accept that you’re struggling, you’re no longer hiding from your demons. You can start to look internally, the next step into proactively making a positive difference.

One of the most inspiring and empowering things for me, is seeing 30+ men in a room, some for the first time, and some that have been coming for months, openly talking about their week, month, and life. Before walking into the room for the first time, these men thought that they were alone - they felt isolated, and they thought no one could relate to them. Instead, by taking that brave step, they have listened, talked, and now made connections with so many different blokes.

The fact is these groups are more than a Monday. These men now know that they’re not alone, and they will most likely go home and start to open more to their family/friends, creating a culture shift in their home and workplace, bringing this environment of no judgement with them, significantly crushing the stigma associated with mental health.

These men, once worried to admit that they were struggling, now become proud of the fact that they made that first step. They’re no longer ashamed, they’re empowered. They’re no longer silent about what they’ve been through, they’re inspiring people with their stories; creating a ripple effect of more people stepping forward. This is real life.

People can feel depressed, anxious, and develop low self-worth for many different reasons, whether it is due to a relationship breakup, losing a job, losing a relative, or some people may not be able to pinpoint a reason why they feel this way. All these feelings are natural, and I can assure you that you’re not alone when you feel this way. One important point to remember is that these events do not change who you are as a person. You are still the same amazing person as before.

Remember how much you’ve already been through and you’re still here fighting… that is something to be proud of!

If someone's life is at risk (for example, they have seriously injured themselves or taken an overdose), or if you feel like you cannot keep yourself safe, please call 999 or go to A&E.

A mental health emergency should be taken as seriously as a physical one. You are a loved, valued, and appreciated person, and you deserve to be here.

I thought I’d leave you with some positive and heart-warming comments, from men that at one point felt so low they could not see a way out.

Sending love, Brad Gartland - Andy’s Man Club Facilitator and Stephen Gartland Foundation Trustee

Good session tonight, thanks guys for a positive start to the week as well as a laugh and meeting new people

“A massive, massive thank you to the group and the support in the past few months. When I first came to the group, I didn’t think I’d make the wedding. I was worried I’d be anxious andnot enjoy the day. I was, quite simply, broken.The team and all the members have made such a difference, which culminated in being able to have the best day with my beautiful wife”.

Thanks guys, tonight you were all amazing and welcoming to me. You made it easy to talkabout my problems. I grabbed hold of some life-changing techniques at AMC and I do try to use them on down days. Stuff like responding rather than reacting, recognising that things do pass. Not every day is a belter, and the rollercoaster still exists, but with the help of a set of blokesI hardly know at AMC, I deal with myself and the challenges of life in a different way. I now attend AMC to give myself a weekly check in...it just works.

Some great avenues of support are also provided below. Please never feel like you’re alone:

ANDY’S MAN CLUB www.andysmanclub.co.uk This is a safe, confidential, and nonjudgemental place where men can come and talk about their problems, every Monday (excluding bank holidays) at 7pm. Find out if there is a club near you.

SAMARITANS (116 123) www.samaritans.org A 24-hour service available every day of the year. If you prefer to write down how you’re feeling, or if you’re worried about being overheard on the phone, you can email Samaritans at jo@samaritans.org.

WOMEN’S WELLBEING CLUB womenswellbeingclub.co.uk This is a peer-to-peer community support group run for women by volunteers. Our meetings start at between 6pm and 7pm at various venues across the country. Find out if there is a club near you.

SHOUT 85258 This is a free, confidential, 24/7 text messaging support service for anyone who is struggling to cope. To start a conversation, text the word ‘Shout’ to 85258 - their trained Shout Volunteers are here for you, day or night.