Submerge Magazine: Issue 128 (January 21 - February 4, 2013)

Dive into Sacramento & its Surrounding Areas January 21 – FEbruary 4, 2013

#128

Out with the Old...

emilie autumn Welcome to the Carnival

sacramento

roller derby

Local Ladies Bring the Pain.

Are You Woman Enough to Keep Up?

Super Bowl Sunday 3 Simple Dishes A Game Winning Strategy

+

A Lot Like Birds Hops Across the Pond • THE ART OF BEER CELEBRATES CALIFORNIA CRAFT BREWS, FOOD AND ART

free

Live Music by Billy Novick’s Blue Syncopators

with George Balanchine’s Who Cares?

February 7 - 10, 2013

at The Community Center Theater

THE Party of the Year!

February 1 • 7:00 PM

at The Sacramento Ballet Studios Fun entertainment. Prohibition-style cocktails. Excerpts from The Great Gatsby.

Learn the Charleston! The scandalous sensation of the Roaring 20’s.

February 10 • 4:30 PM Memorial Auditorium

Food. Drinks. Live music. Dance if you want to!

(Costumes Admired, Not Required)

2

Issue 128 • January 21 – February 4, 2013

sacballet.org/tickets 916.552.5800 x2 Dive Into Sacramento & Its Surrounding Areas

128

contents

Submerge: an independently owned entertainment/lifestyle publication available for free biweekly throughout the greater Sacramento area.

13

16

10

2013 january 21 – February 4

03 05 07 08 09 10 13 16 18 21

18 cofounder/ Editor in Chief/Art Director

Melissa Welliver melissa@submergemag.com cofounder/ Advertising Director

Jonathan Carabba jonathan@submergemag.com senior editor

James Barone

Contributing Writers

Zach Ahern, Joe Atkins, Robin Bacior, Natalie Basurto, Andrew Bell, Corey Bloom, Emily Bonsignore, Bocephus Chigger, Josh Fernandez, Anthony Giannotti, Vincent Girimonte, Nur Kausar, John Phillips, Ryan J. Prado, Steph Rodriguez, Adam Saake, Amy Serna, Jenn Walker, Holly Woodcock Contributing photographers

Wesley Davis, Mike Ibe, Nicholas Wray

www.submergemag.com Follow us on Twitter! @SubmergeMag

SubmergeMag.com

25 26

Submerge

2308 J Street, Suite F Sacramento, Calif. 95816

916.441.3803 info@submergemag.com

printed on recycled paper

front Cover Photo of hot water music

by Marco Krenn

Dive in The Stream Submerge your senses The Optimistic Pessimist capital capture

girls vs. boys tongue & chic

super recipes hot water music emilie autumn sac roller derby returns CALENDAR the grindhouse

Broken City the shallow end

All content is property of Submerge and may not be reproduced without permission. Submerge is both owned and published by Submerge Media.

All opinions expressed throughout Submerge are those of the author and do not necessarily mean we all share those opinions. Feel free to take a copy or two for free, but please don’t remove our papers or throw them away. Submerge welcomes letters of all kinds, whether they are full of love or hate. We want to know what is on your mind, so feel free to contact us via snail mail at 2308 J Street, Suite F Sacramento, Calif. 95816. Or you can e-mail us at info@submergemag.com.

dive in eat. learn. rock.

Melissa welliver melissa@submergemag.com Truth be told, I’m not much of a football fan, I’m more of a hockey girl. (Hell yeah, the NHL lockout is finally over, go Sharks!) Now don’t get me wrong, I can get into a good game regardless of the sport, especially when it’s the best of the best. Plus, nothing beats another reason to hang out with friends, all while drinking, eating and celebrating the success of a Northern California team. So you go, 49ers!

Congrats to you and your fans on the NFC Championship and good luck in the Super Bowl!

On page 10 in this issue we have three easy-tofollow recipes that will make your Super Bowl party, well, even more super. You might think the big game doesn’t necessarily go hand in hand with healthy foods, well our new writer Holly Woodcock will make you think otherwise with her recipes for chorizo stuffed mushrooms, turkey chili and bite size brownies.

Maybe you’re like me, a fan of fast-paced contact sports like hockey. Well keep in mind that just 10 minutes or so away you can watch another exciting sport, roller derby! I’ve been a fan of derby ever since my old roommate introduced me to it back in 2006, and it’s definitely come a long way since its rebirth. As you can see on our back cover, roller derby is a very serious sport. We caught up with a few members of Sacramento’s two leagues: Sac City Rollers and Sacred City, and they shared with us some derby misconceptions, as well as some tips for their upcoming tryouts. Check out page 18. Maybe this is the year you consider trying out. If not, maybe our feature will inspire you to simply attend your first roller derby bout. You’ll be glad you did!

Our food and lifestyle coverage is some of my favorite content, but Submerge wouldn’t be what it is without our music coverage. 2013 is looking good, I mean just flip around, peep the ads and the calendar. Sacramento has some A-MAZ-ING shows coming up! One in particular that I’ve been looking forward to ever since it was announced late last year is Hot Water Music at Ace of Spaces on Feb. 7. Last year, after an eight-year hiatus the band released a solid album, Exister. And despite not making it on “Submerge’s Top 20 albums of 2012,” it was on my personal list. In our feature on the band starting on page 13, read why the break was necessary for HWM to grow and how the writing process was different this time around.

In more music coverage, Sacramento Horror Film Fest is bringing Emilie Autumn to town on Feb. 1 at the Colonial Theatre. This singer-songwriter, actress and über talented violinist states in our feature on page 16 that when you attend her concert it will be “the best show you’ve ever seen on the planet.” Besides talking about her tour with her all-female backing band, The Bloody Crumpets, she also discusses her soon-to-be released video for “Fight Like a Girl,” directed by Darren Lynn Bousman, and the fulllength musical she’s working on based upon a novel she wrote in 2010.

We have some straight up interesting and diverse content in this issue. From recipes, to “alternative” sports, to music features, we’ve got you covered. Now hurry up and dive in!

Enjoy issue #128, Melissa-Dubs

back Cover Photo of la Lucha

by Joe Schwartz

Issue 128 • January 21 – February 4, 2013

3

The Art of Beer A Celebration Of Craft Beer And Fine Art

February 1, 2013

Fusion International Arts Center 501 Arden Way

Sacramento

6pm - 10pm Beer Tasting

Food Pairing

ALES FOR AUTISM

SUBMERGE for 15% off * Photograph By Participating Artist - Rawi Nanakul

4

Art Exhibition

A Benefit For

use the code

*online pre-sale tickets only

Silent Auction

Form erly Stan ord Home or Children

501(c)(3) Organizations

celebratetheartof beer.com

Issue 128 • January 21 – February 4, 2013

Dive Into Sacramento & Its Surrounding Areas

The stream

SHOWS AT SAC STATE

SACRAMENTO POST-HARDCORE BAND A LOT LIKE BIRDS TO TOUR EUROPE

WWW.SACSTATEUNIQUE.COM

THE ART OF BEER CELEBRATES CALIFORNIA CRAFT BREWS, FOOD AND ART

SPONSORED BY UNIQUE PROGRAMS FOR MORE INFO VISIT OUR WEBSITE OR CALL 278–6997

NOONER

MOVIE

ROLLING STONE PREMIERES TERA MELOS’ NEW SINGLE Jonathan Carabba

Send regional news tips to info@submergemag.com Sacramento posthardcore band A Lot Like Birds are set to tour in Europe this February, and although the guys are beyond stoked for their first trip overseas, their routing schedule looks brutal. They’ve got 23 shows scheduled in as many days!

They’re hitting the United Kingdom, Germany, France, Hungary, Ukraine and more.

“We have never done anything like it!” said Michael Franzino, the bands composer/guitarist.

“I feel for my vocalists and dread my ‘bang overs,’” he said, referring of course to the way one’s neck and body feel the morning after a gig full of head bangin’ and stage divin’.”

It could be worse, though, they’ve hired a driver and the trips between shows will be relatively short. On top of that, they’re traveling in a Sprinter that has bunks, although co-vocalist Cory Lockwood doesn’t think they’ll need them much.

“It’s a little depressing that we won’t have any vacation time to scout around a new continent,” Lockwood said, “But we just don’t plan on sleeping much.”

He continued with, “Besides the obvious excitement of any trip overseas, I think we’re all really excited to explore a fan base that we’ve watched grow over time but have never really been able to experience firsthand. I want to see if they move more, how large the turnouts are and I want to hear how our music impacts them.”

To view the entire tour schedule and to hear some tunes from their past two albums (2009’s self-release Plan B and 2011’s Conversation Piece, out on Doghouse Records), visit Facebook.com/ Alotlikebirds or Alotlikebirdsband.tumblr.com. The group plans on entering the studio this spring with engineer Kris Crummett at Interlace Audio in Portland, Ore. (he did Conversation Piece) to record a new album that will be released on Equal Vision Records, the band’s current home.

“This record is going to be banananuts,” Franzino said. “We are really expanding on the strengths of our past two records effectively, at least what I perceive those to be. We won’t know the beast completely until we make the journey home from Kris’ studio.”

In case you haven’t noticed from reading Submerge over the years, any event that combines good beer, art and killer food is alright by us!

Here’s a perfect example: The Art of Beer, happening Friday, Feb. 1 at the Fusion International Arts Center, located at 510 Arden Way. Now in its second year, the festival brings together some of California’s best breweries with artists and local food vendors for a big, delicious party.

“The goal of Art of Beer is to promote the artistry that is beyond just the beer in the glass,” said Rawi Nanakul, one of the event’s directors.

Nanakul works as a photographer in the craft beer industry and wanted people to see breweries the way he does. So, he created a venue in which people could see beyond the labels and beer ratings.

“I want attendees to look at the stories, the dreams and the people that all revolve around beer,” he said.

Twenty-five breweries are involved including 21st Amendment, Lagunitas, Firestone Walker, North Coast, Rubicon, Sierra Nevada, Drake’s and more. Well over a dozen artists will be showing work, including Nanakul, Char Hall, Jared Konopitski and Eli Trujillo to name a few. 21st Amendment is even building a ‘30s style lounge complete with period furniture, and Firestone Walker is also making a lounge area with barrels used in production from its brewery in Paso Robles. Glassblower Shannon Jane Morgan will be paired with local brewery Track 7, and there will be plenty of other cool stuff to gaze at while you sip craft brews. Grub on food from Hook and Ladder, Sacramento Natural Foods Co-Op, The Shack and more. This event is $40 presale and $50 at the door, and that includes a commemorative glass, appetizers and unlimited beer samples. Buy your tickets online and use the code “Submerge” and get 15 percent off! Visit Celebratetheartofbeer.com for more info and Artofbeer.bpt.me for tickets. A portion of the proceeds will go to support Ales for Autism and Stanford Youth Solutions. All the more reason to drink up. Cheers!

One of our favorite Sacramento-area bands Tera Melos recently had its new single “Tropic Lame” premiered online by none other than Rolling Stone. Rolling-fucking-Stone, people! The song has a really cool surf-punk-meets-psych-pop vibe to it and will appear their upcoming album X’ed Out, to be released April 16 on Sargent House. The band’s guitarist/vocalist/multiinstrumentalist Nick Reinhart told Rolling Stone, “Previously, we really didn’t know how to write a song like ‘Tropic Lame,’ or even make a record like X’ed Out. We had to approach writing music in a way that was foreign to us—it was almost like ‘un-thinking.’” He went on to say, “Somehow, we were able to take these basic ideas and twist and quirk-ify them into something that was really new and different for us. The genesis of most the music on this record is of an oversimplifed nature.”

We’re not entirely sure how long “Tropic Lame” will be available for streaming and download online, but our guess is if you poke around Facebook.com/teramelosmusic or Teramelosmusic.com for long enough, you’ll find it somewhere. Give it a few listens and you’ll be glad you did. Look for an exclusive interview with Tera Melos right here in Submerge leading up to the album’s release.

SubmergeMag.com

ZUHG WED • JAN 30 • 12P • UNIVERSITY UNION REDWOOD ROOM

THUR • JAN 31 • 7:30P • UNIVERSITY UNION BALLROOM

FREE: Funky jam reggae jazz rock concert

FREE: Film screening

NOONER

NOONER

WED • FEB 6 • 12P • UNIVERSITY UNION REDWOOD ROOM

WED • FEB 20 • 12P • UNIVERSITY UNION REDWOOD ROOM

FREE: Caribbean jazz concert

FREE: African-American historical documentary film screening, plus Q&A from the director TYRONE YOUNG

STAGE PRODUCTION

THUR • FEB 7 • 7:30P • UNIVERSITY UNION BALLROOM Sac State’s Benefit Production of THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES, stage production based on Eve Ensler’s monologues with real women exploring intimacy, vulnerability and sexual self-discovery, Tickets are $5 for Sac State students and $10 for the general public, available at the Sacramento State Box Office or online at www.SacStateUNIQUE.com

CONCERT

twenty | one | pilots THUR • FEB 19 • 7:30P • UNIVERSITY UNION BALLROOM Pop rock concert, plus special opening guests, NEW POLITICS, Tickets are $10 for Sac State students and $14 General, available at the Sacramento State Box Office or online at www.SacStateUNIQUE.com

STAGE PLAY

HYPNOTIST

NUBIAH

TOM DELUCA

THUR • FEB 21 • 7:30P • UNIVERSITY UNION BALLROOM

THUR • FEB 28 • 7:30P • UNIVERSITY UNION BALLROOM

FREE: An inspirational stage play musical that travels through African history

FREE: Hypnotist

NOONER

COMEDY

SACRAMENTO TAIKO DAN

JEN KOBER

WED • MAR 6 • 12P • UNIVERSITY UNION REDWOOD ROOM

THUR • MAR 7 • 7:30P • UNIVERSITY UNION BALLROOM

FREE: Traditional Japanese drumming in honor of International Women’s Day

FREE: Comedy show plus special opening guest

Issue 128 • January 21 – February 4, 2013

5

AUDIO EXPRESS! Lowest Installed Price In Town! Every Time!

Fully installed new product from a local authorized dealer

WE HAVE THE SOUNDTRACK FOR YOUR …

SIRIUSXM TUNER INCLUDED!*

WHILE THEY LAST!

App Mode!

Two-Year Warranty BUILT IN

BUILT IN

Built-in Bluetooth. and HD Radio. Three four-volt preouts.

BE A SHOW-OFF!

Navi On A Big 7” Screen

READY BUILT IN

$50 Off Tuner With Either Deck(1)

BUILT IN

Off MSRP

69999

$

15999

$

READY

Link up and roll with Pandora! Preout plus high/low filters.

99

10999

$

TAKE YOUR SOUND TO THE

NEXT LEVEL!

Back-Up Camera & Rear View Mirror Monitor!

See what’s behind you with 4.3” image displayed in the replacement rear-view mirror.

Save $300

You pay $79999; price after $100 rebate:

SIRIUSXM TUNER INCLUDED!*

169

$

* Buy a qualifying deck, add SiriusXM tuner at final cost of $4999, activate Select or higher SiriusXM service and be eligible for a SiriusXM $50 Visa® Prepaid Card. Some units need interface at added cost. Details at www.siriusxmrewards.com.

99

BUILT-IN NAVIGATION!

Multi-color display.

Three 4-volt preouts — control a system!

Two-year warranty. Three 4-volt preouts.

999

$

You pay $109999; price after $100 rebate:

READY

Our Lowest Price Ever!

Save $300 Off MSRP

LUI SAYS

99

READY

Includes TMC Traffic Tuner!

BUILT IN

219

$

Bass Box Buys!

199

$

99

12” single or double loaded boxes from

PROTECT YOUR INVESTMENT!

READY

DVD/CD receiver with built-in Bluetooth and 6.1” touch-screen display.

Alarms Installed

BIG 7” MONITOR

99

Awesome Amp Offers!

$70 (2) Rebate

For Just

199

$

FOLDS OUT FROM 1-DIN CHASSIS

Save $150

LUI SAYS

FREE (1)

Tuner

Don’t cut your dash!

READY

BUILT IN

399

$

99

With 2 keychain remotes

199

$

6

99

LCD remote display

29999

$

400 TO 2400 WATTS!

Ethan Way

Point West Plaza

Arden Way

GET YOUR DREAM SYSTEM TODAY!

PPP Means 50% Off Installation!

Issue 128 • January 21 – February 4, 2013

HOURS Mon. - Sat. 9 AM - 7 PM Sunday Noon - 5 PM

FREE LAYAWAY

7999

$

Mono, 2-, 4-, and 5-channels — from:

Some vehicles require specific modules at added cost. Available keyless entry installed at added cost.

Add a tuner to a qualified radio, include an eligible CodeAlarm remote start system in the same transaction, activate a Select or greater package, and be eligible for a SiriusXM $70 Visa® Prepaid Card.Tuner installation at additional charge. Details at store or siriusxmewards.com.

*

Sacramento 2003 Arden Way 916-920-4262

Two-Way Alarm & Remote Start!

(2)

Purchase SiriusXM tuner, activate a qualifying service plan and be eligible for a $50 prepaid card. Tuner installed at additional charge. Complete details at store or siriusxmewards.com.

(1)

Complete Alarm With Starter Kill

Off Reg Retail

* Proof of qualifying employment and local banking history required. Transaction amount limited. Other conditions and restrictions apply. Details at store.

Unless otherwise limited, prices are good through Tuesday following publication date. $1 INSTALLATION IS PER COMPONENT, for CD players and alarms priced over $9999, purchased from Audio Express installed in factory-ready locations. PPP indicates product installed at half off our posted rates. Custom work at added cost. Kits, antennas and cables additional. Added charges for shop supplies and environmental disposal where mandated. Illustrations similar. Video pictures may be simulated. Not responsible for typographic errors. M.S.R.P. refers to published suggested retail price. Price match applies to new, non-promotional items from authorized sellers; excludes “shopping cart” or other hidden specials. © 2013, Audio Express.

Dive Into Sacramento & Its Surrounding Areas Audio Express — Sacramento Submerge — 1/21/2013

Your Senses SEE HEAR TASTE Touch

TASTE

Sacramento VegFest at Fusion International Arts Center • Jan. 26 Last issue we dedicated the “Taste” section of “Submerge Your Senses” to highlight the second annual Sacramento Bacon Fest (which, if you are reading this before Jan. 27, is still going on), so this time around we figured we would tone it down a little bit and point out something lighter and healthier for our vegan, vegetarian and health-minded readers out there. Enter VegFest! On Saturday, Jan. 26 from 11 a.m. to 4 p.m. the Del Paso Boulevard Partnership will host the fourth Sacramento VegFest at the Fusion International Arts Center, located at 501 Arden Way. VegFest highlights foods, information, recipes, vendors, speakers and demonstrations of the vegetarian/vegan lifestyle. Their lineup of speakers includes Chef AJ, a vegan/raw pastry chef from Los Angeles and author of Unprocessed: How to Achieve Vibrant Health and Your Ideal Weight; the charismatic and insightful Michael Marks, better known as Your Produce Man; and Emily Webber, a Sacramento-based nutrition and cooking instructor specializing in low-fat, purely plant-based whole foods. Witness a live cooking demonstration by The Green Boheme, Sacramento’s organic, vegan, raw foods restaurant and holistic health center, and watch guest judges taste vegan and vegetarian dishes in four categories (appetizer/small plate, entree, dessert, confection) at the chefs’ competition. Experience all of this and plenty more for just $3 general admission and best of all there is no ticketing fee if you purchase through Brown Paper Tickets. Just type in Vegfest.bpt.me into your web browser and there you have it! For more information about vendors and what to expect at the event, visit Facebook.com/SacVegFest.

SEE

Sound City Screening at Crest Theatre Jan. 31

What do Tom Petty, Fleetwood Mac, Neil Young, Guns N’ Roses, Johnny Cash, Metallica, Nirvana and countless other great artists all have in common? Two words: Sound City. A shaggy, unassuming recording studio in Van Nuys, Calif., hosted some of the greatest musicians in the world during its time. Directed by Foo Fighters frontman and former Nirvana drummer Dave Grohl, along with the Academy Award winning writer of The Cove (Mark Monroe) and the acclaimed editor of Dogtown and Z Boys (Paul Crowder), the documentary Sound City explores the rise and fall of one of the most legendary recording studios of all time. The film features interviews with countless world-class musicians and has a killer soundtrack featuring plenty of super star collaborations. Catch Sound City fresh off its premiere at Sundance for one night only at Crest Theatre (1013 K Street) on Thursday, Jan. 31. Tickets are $10 each and are on sale now. It will be playing in Theatre 2 and we imagine it will sell out, so don’t lag on getting tickets!

Visit Thecrest.com or call (916) 44-CREST for more information.

TOUCH HEAR

FallRise’s “Make You Suffer” Single/Video Release Show at Ace of Spades Jan. 26

Local hard rock/metal band FallRise is celebrating the release of its new single/video “Make You Suffer” with a sick show at Ace of Spades on Saturday, Jan. 26. The lineup includes fellow hard rocking locals Prylosis, Misamore, Madison Avenue and White Minorities, along with Dimidium from Morgan Hill, Calif. FallRise has been making strides since its debut in the summer of 2010 when they released their seven-track EP Beginning. The band went on to release a full-length, Back from the Dead, and has earned tons of sweet gigs opening for bands like Adema, Taproot and most recently for Bush, Deftones and Stone Temple Pilots at the Aftershock Festival. If you’re into hard rock and metal do yourself a favor and don’t sleep on FallRise, that way you’ll be able to say, “I used to listen to them before they blew up.” Learn more and hear some tunes at Facebook.com/fallriserock. Doors open at 6:30 p.m. for the Jan. 26 show with a $10 cover. All ages are welcome.

SubmergeMag.com

Network at the Hair & Fashion Industry Mixer at Courtyard Sacramento Cal Expo Jan. 31

Whether you’re an established pro with a long list of clients or a newbie trying to get into the hair or fashion industry, grab a stack of business cards and your portfolio and get to the Hair and Fashion Industry Mixer at the Courtyard Sacramento Cal Expo (1782 Tribute Road) on Thursday, Jan. 31 at 6:30 p.m.

Meet area salons, designers, photographers, stylists, models and small business vendors in the hair and fashion industry. This will be a fun night filled with cocktails, fashion, friends and even a mini live runway showcase.

The theme is “Winter Wonderland” so come in your white attire and feel free to bling it out! Think snow and ice. Tickets are $10 in advance, available at Hairandfashionbattle.com, and $15 at the door.

Issue 128 • January 21 – February 4, 2013

7

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!

The Optimistic Pessimist Just Be ReaL Bocephus Chigger bocephus@submergemag.com

EAT. DRINK. LISTEN.

8

Issue 128 • January 21 – February 4, 2013

Ladies, ladies, ladies…it’s time to stop frontin’.

I see you up on the Internet dating sites pretending to be something that you’re not, acting like you have no idea why you are still single. You know you got one eye and you fart in your sleep! I’ve been on two different Internet dating sites for a bit now (go me!), so when it comes to ferreting out half-truths on dating profiles, I consider myself somewhat of an expert.

For example, how is it possible that almost every woman on Match.com is “down to earth?” If you were so down to earth, then you wouldn’t be looking for a boyfriend on the Internet. Guys love chill women, but there just aren’t enough of them. Save us the trouble and admit that you are a little bit nuts. We’re all a little crazy just for signing up for the damn site in the first place!

If you aren’t down to earth, then you are probably more of an “easygoing” type.

Easygoing women are like down-to-earth girls, but they’re also into triathlons, marathons and other endurance sports. You know…easygoing stuff! I’ll admit such feats are quite impressive, but it makes me worry that I will also be expected to find these tasks easygoing; I won’t.

I’m not opposed to regular exercise, but I mean, Tough Mudders? Really? Why must we be so extreme? How about some plain old yoga? You used to love yoga!

If the profiles are to be believed, all of you easygoing, down-to-earth girls are apparently really tired of playing emotional games. If you don’t want to play games, the first thing you will need to do is to come correct with your pictures. No more of these over the shoulder, one side of the face, Instagrammed to hell art projects. Call me vain, but I need to know what you look like.

For some of you, even when the pictures are clear, every one is of you and your notsingle but hotter friend with no explanation of which one is you. How shitty would that be

to expect one person and get the other? You can play it this way if you and your friend are looking for a threesome, but if you don’t want to play games, then these bait and switch tactics have got to stop.

It’s helpful to know what you are looking for so we don’t waste each other’s time, but I hate to tell you that this elusive “perfect man” might not exist on Internet dating sites. There aren’t a lot of guys with good paying jobs that allow for extended vacations, who cook, run 10Ks on the regular and go to church every Sunday that can take you dancing every weekend. If a man could do all of that, he would probably have a hard time maintaining that sense of humor that you also find so important.

There is something we all need to remember: if we are on Match.com or OKCupid, there is a good chance that we are damaged goods in some way, shape or form. If I were this perfect man, I don’t think I would have to rely on the Internet to find a date. Having ideals is fine, but flexibility might land you a great partner who you might have otherwise ignored.

There is one last area on women’s dating profiles that need to be addressed and it’s kids. This may not apply to all women, but there are a lot of baby mamas on Internet dating sites. Most of their profiles say that their kids are their life and that they would do anything for them. This is an admirable trait, but one in which I’d expect you to lie about if it weren’t true anyway. Nobody wants to date a shitty mom. Instead of stating what is hopefully the obvious, why not tell me how old your kid(s) are and whether or not you get along with their father.

If you aren’t honest up front, whatever relationships you enter into are going to be hard to make work. Your man is going to find out what you’re really like in due time, so why not just be real from get go? Internet dating is awkward already. Let’s try to not make it any worse.

Dive Into Sacramento & Its Surrounding Areas

Capital Capture Girls vs. Boys Emily Bonsignore

I used to think men’s fashion was rather stationary, unlike women’s fashion, which changed with the wind. Jeans and a T-shirt every day; there was never anything new.

However, this sentiment is skewed from high school, a time when many boys have yet to develop a sense of style. Fast-forward two years, college boys have grown up a bit, and take pride in having a distinct style. In college, the guys tend to be more dressed up for class than the girls, who often run to class in yoga pants…I digress. Some girls use each day as a new opportunity to try something new. Here are a couple of the most stylish kids on campus!

D av i d O u

E m i ly L i u

Toggles, a chunky knit, ripped jeans and two-toned oxfords

Emily Liu has perfected wearing some of the most unique and

(I mildly wanted to steal his shoes), four simple pieces make up

eccentric trends in 2013. Her metallic pants and bright red hair

David Ou’s classic outfit. As the most stylish employee at Peter

quickly caught my eye as I was walking through downtown. Her

J. Shields Library, I decided to learn a little more about David’s

street style outfit featured a layering of black pieces that created

thoughts on fashion!

depth, rather than bulk. Of course, I fell in love with her black pants covered in silver letters and red streaks, which has inspired me to

Where are some of your favorite places to shop?

David Ou: Definitely Zara, Asos and Uniqlo.

shake up my hair a bit.

What are you most looking forward to wearing in 2013?

DO: Heavy wool jackets layered upon my cardigan collection!

What is the one item of clothing you will never be caught dead in?

DO: Kanye West’s leather skirt!

Who is one of your favorite designers?

Emily Liu: Taiwanese designer Tramy: Back to British (B2B).

Where are some of your favorite places to shop?

EL: I usually do all my shopping in Asia.

AD VER TISE YOUR BIZ (916) 441-3803 info@submergemag.com

Affordable.

Effective.

SubmergeMag.com

Issue 128 • January 21 – February 4, 2013

9

Big Bites for the Big Game Eat hearty, yet healthy this Super Bowl Sunday Words & photos Holly Woodcock

S

uper Bowl Sunday is practically a national holiday and any foodie would agree that it is a menu planning dream. Abundant appetizers for snacking, comfort food on the stovetop and decadent desserts are a recipe for celebrating a sweet victory.

Richness and decadence are par for the game-day course, but the early February timing often means there is a high likelihood that your party hosting fantasies will barrel into your friends’ and families’ healthy eating resolutions faster than an NFL running back into an end zone. The holiday food hangover isn’t far enough in the rear view mirror for everyone to be on board with indulging, so your best bet is to build a menu full of festivity and flavor but with a built in choose-your-ownadventure for the level of indulgence.

Start with a vegetable-based appetizer like crowd-pleasing stuffed mushrooms. Spicy chorizo makes you almost forget you are eating something good for you. Then, enter the food bar. Bar food is the best food, even when you are entertaining in your own living room. Serving up a make-your-own-chili bar at a Super Bowl party is an easy, low maintenance way to keep the entire crowd happy. The main dish is full of lean protein and vegetables but also packed with spicy, savory flavor.

This gives friends who are keeping it light a day pass to flavor town.

Toppings like avocado, green onions and black olives are satiating and fun without being overly heavy. For those who want to indulge, keep enough chips, shredded sharp cheddar and sour cream on hand that they can pile their toppings high.

Keep the same philosophy intact when it comes to dessert. A gluten/grain/dairy free brownie bite is a great sundae base if you have all the fixins: ice cream, whipped cream, some fruit and chopped-up nuts. But it is decadent enough standing on its own, and the bite size portion can be the perfect meal-ending nibble for those who are watching their intake.

.craft beer.patio.gallery.wine. sammies. popsicles. brunch. p l a y. c a fe . b a r . s h o p . r e l a x . music.fun.vintage.jewelr y.

Chorizo Stuffed Mushrooms i n gred i e n ts 16 white mushrooms, half the stems reserved and finely diced 12 oz. pork chorizo I n struct i o n s For the stuffing

1) Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

2) Wipe mushrooms clean with a paper towel or a damp dishtowel. Hold stems firmly and pull out.

This will leave the hollow portion in the middle for stuffing.

3) Reserve half the stems and chop them finely into small bits and set aside with the filling ingredients.

4) In a large pan over medium high heat melt 1 tablespoon of ghee (or butter).

5) Brown mushrooms in batches, careful not to overcrowd the pan, about 6 minutes each side.

6) When mushrooms are browned, set aside in a 13-by-9 pan.

7) While you are browning your mushrooms, crumble 12 oz. of pork chorizo into a separate pan over medium high heat and cook until most of the surface is brown and crispy (about 10 to 12 minutes).

8) Remove crispy chorizo from pan and set aside, while leaving about a tablespoon of pan drippings behind.

9) In the chorizo drippings, sauté half a red onion and mushroom stems over medium high heat until browned (about 5 minutes) then add salt and a quarter teaspoon of dried parsley.

10) Mix the chorizo back in to pan with other ingredients and then scoop filling into each mushroom.

11) Top with remaining quarter teaspoon of parsley and (optional) crumbled pork rinds and bake at 350 for 20 minutes.

1815 19th st. sacramento OPEN TUES-SAT 11-11 • SUN 11-3

sat jan 26 (8pm)

tues feb 12 (8pm)

Ross Hammond & Amy Reed, Neil Haydon, Tony Passarell’s Thin Air Orchestra

Big Long Now, The Trees, Honyock

Sea of Bees, Nick Jaina

wEd jAN 23 (8Pm)

BOATS!, Four Eyes, Charles Albright, The Scouse Gits

Ever Ending Kicks, Mind Flowers, DarlingChemicalia

(members of Losin’ Streaks)

sat feb 9 (8pm)

Live Music CD release party Light Skinned Creole

10

sat feb 2 (8pm)

Live Music

Live Music

fri jan 25 (7pm)

Live Music

Live Music

Anton Barbeau, The Corner Laughers, Willie Wisely

1 oz. of pork rinds, crumbled (optional)

For the mushrooms

tues jan 22 (8pm)

Live Music

1 tbsp ghee or butter, divided ½ red onion, finely minced ½ tsp dried parsley, divided ¼ tsp salt

Live Music

ted c e n n o Stay hC Submerge wit

thur feb 14 (8pm)

Live Music

Classical Revolution

tues feb 19 (8pm)

Live Music

Robin Bacior, Molly Paul, The Kelps

bowscollective.com Issue 128 • January 21 – February 4, 2013

ag w M o e l g l r fo ubme @S Dive Into Sacramento & Its Surrounding Areas

Salted Double Chocolate Brownie Bites I n gred i e n ts 3 oz 50% or higher dark chocolate, broken into squares ½ cup ghee ½ cup honey 2 eggs, beaten ¾ cup almond flour 1 tbsp pure vanilla extract ½ tsp sea salt 3.5 oz 70% or higher dark chocolate, chopped into chunks I n struct i o n s

Damn Good Turkey Chili i n gred i e n ts 2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil

2 tsp red pepper flakes

1 large onion

2 tsp cumin

3–4 medium carrots, small dice

1 tbsp salt

1–2 small zucchini, small dice

2 tsp pepper

2 small yellow squash, small dice

1 14 oz can diced tomatoes with their liquid

1.5 lbs ground turkey (preferably dark meat)

1 14 oz can tomato sauce

2 cloves garlic, chopped 2 tbsp chili powder 1 tbsp paprika

1 cup beef broth 1 tbsp apple cider vinegar 2 bell peppers (any color), small dice

1) Preheat oven to 325 degrees and grease a mini muffin pan.

2) In a microwave safe dish, melt your ghee with the first 3 ounces of dark chocolate squares until just melted (when only a few whole pieces are left).

3) In a separate dish, warm your honey slightly in the microwave.

4) Stir honey into the chocolate/ghee mixture.

5) Stir in the beaten eggs along with the almond flour, vanilla and sea salt and mix until smooth.

6) Fold the chunked chocolate into the batter.

7) Scoop batter into the muffin pan filling each with a little over a tablespoon of batter.

8) Bake for 15 to 17 minutes.

9) Cool for 15 minutes and serve.

I n struct i o n s

1) Heat olive oil in large, heavy bottomed pot over medium heat.

2) Add onion, carrots, zucchini and yellow squash and cook until they soften, about 5 to 7 minutes.

3) Add ground turkey in to brown and break up into crumbles with spoon. Continue until meat is mostly cooked.

4) Add garlic and all seasonings through salt and pepper and toss with the meat and the vegetables.

5) Add diced tomatoes, tomato sauce, broth and apple cider vinegar.

6) Bring pot up to a boil and then reduce heat to simmer.

7) Simmer, mostly covered but with lid a little cocked for 45 minutes.

8) Add bell peppers.

9) Simmer with the lid completely off for 15 more minutes.

10) Serve with toppings of your choice, chili-bar style. To keep it healthy serve with chopped avocado, black olives and diced scallions. For your guests who like to indulge, have some sour cream, sharp cheddar and corn chips on hand.

SubmergeMag.com

Issue 128 • January 21 – February 4, 2013

11

614 Sutter Street • FolSom 916.355.8586 • PowerhouSePub.com every moNDay at 9Pm

EvEry TuEsday, 10:30Pm, No cover!

College Night

Country Karaoke weD, JaN 23 8Pm /$5 98 rocKS local licKS Night with hoSt aNDy hawK

thurS, JaN 24 9Pm

98 rocKS local licKS Night with hoSt aNDy hawK

thurS, JaN 31 9Pm

Fri, JaN 25

Steel Breeze

Fri, Feb 1

saT, JaN 26

PoSter chilD

saT, Feb 2

10Pm

10Pm

tracK Fighter SiNN maFia bouND oF arSoN

weD, weD,SePt JaN 30 26 8Pm 8Pm /$5 /$5

highway 20 baND

SuN, JaN 27

DriFterS 3Pm

7Pm oPeN blueS Jam7Pm

michael becK

weD, Feb 6 8Pm /$5

thurS, Feb 7 9:30Pm

98 rocKS local licKS Night with hoSt aNDy hawK

relic 45

QuiNN heDgeS baND the ruiN

10Pm

two 20 baND

SuN, SuPer bowl & Feb 3 Party chili cooK-oFF 3Pm

JaSoN buell baND

Fri, Feb 8

10Pm

10Pm

3Pm

w/ DJ rigatoNy & DJ alazzawi

coNteSt!

saT, Feb 9

olD ScreeN Door Diva KiNgS Joel ryDmaN

10Pm

3Pm

SuN, Feb 10

gumbo Stew oPeN blueS Jam 7Pm

SACRAMENTO’s PREMIER bANd REHEARSAL FACILITIES

ACOuSTICALLy DESIGnED Private Music Rehearsal Studios From

150 Square Feet To 500 Square Feet

• Long Term Or Monthly Rentals • Air Conditioned

• 12 Foot Ceilings • 24 Hour Access • On Site Management

• Cctv Security System • Free Wi-Fi / Dsl • Huge Gated Parking Lot

SATURDAY

MONDAY

SUNDAY

BRUNCH 10AM-2PM

OPEN MIC

W/ BOTTOMLESS MIMOSAS

TUESDAY

COMEDY NIGHT WEDNESDAY

SUPER BOKWICKING OFF L SUNDAY! !!

KARAOKE THURSDAY & Friday

LIVE DJ’S SATURDAY

LIVE MUSIC SUNDAY

SACRAMENTO REHERSAL STudIOS

HOuSE OF HITS

2751 Academy Way • Sac 5749 88th Street • Sac (916) 923-2525 (916) 381-4500 Rehearse.com LIKE us on Facebook

12

Issue 128 • January 21 – February 4, 2013

INDUSTRY NIGHT TWO MINUTES FROM DOWNTOWN...JUST OVER THE I STREET BRIDGE...FREE PARKING

319 6th Street

W e s t S ac r a m e n t o

FAC E B O O K . CO M / B RO D E R I C K 1 8 9 3

916.372.2436

B RO D E R I C K 1 8 9 3 . CO M

Dive Into Sacramento & Its Surrounding Areas

No End Left in Sight

Hot Water Music’s Return to Recording and the Road Words Ryan J. Prado

T

hat Gainesville, Fla.’s Hot Water Music has become the elder statesman of the post-punk renaissance, first sprouted during the mid-‘90s, isn’t much of a surprise. The quartet—helmed by vocalists/guitarists Chris Wollard and Chuck Ragan, and rounded out by bassist Jason Black and drummer George Rebelo— exploded onto the scene a gang of growling ruffians with their 1995 debut, Finding the Rhythms, and two years later with the seminal LP Fuel for the Hate Game. Those touchstones simmered with the roaring vocal delivery of a New York hardcore crew, bolstered by the indomitable rhythm tandem of Rebelo and Black. Volleying guttural, emotive refrains bent on unity and a smattering of angst, the band acquired a fiercely loyal fan base helpless to ignore the dynamic of melodic rage the band had perfected.

Then came the ‘00s, a decade that saw the band struggling to maintain the camaraderie that had catapulted it onto big-time tours and found it flirting with mainstream notoriety. After Ragan left the band in 2005, HWM went on hiatus, then outright disbanded, allowing for a flurry of side projects that became full-time gigs—namely The Draft, featuring Wollard, Rebelo and Black; and Ragan’s fantastic folkroots solo project.

With the spring 2012 release of Hot Water Music’s first album in eight years, Exister, the band has found itself in the familiar position of endless months of touring, a positively ravenous fan uprising and a return to the energy that spawned seven LPs and countless EPs prior to its break. Black says the hiatus, and the collaboration with new projects and different musicians, was a necessary hurdle for the band’s evolution.

“It’s great to be able to play with other musicians,” says Black. “If you’re constantly playing with the same people doing the same things, it’s fairly hard to grow. We’ve always been interested in evolving as a band and as musicians, so doing other projects [was] a big help for us.

We’re all vastly different players and songwriters than we were when

SubmergeMag.com

we did The New What Next, and that’s completely attributed to these outside experiences.”

The last album the band released before Exister, 2004’s The New What Next, seemed poised to set up HWM for a big splash commercially. The album was the band’s third for indie monolith Epitaph Records at the exact fulcrum when the label was diversifying its catalog and generating more attention during the mainstream’s sudden Panacea shift toward looking at indies—again—for the new what’s next.

To be accurate, the band had no hardship breakdown that caused its temporary pause, no mid-tour fisticuffs or hush-hush drug addiction salaciousness. In fact, within two years of its split, HWM reconvened to perform live in their hometown. That one-off show snowballed into a few more, and a few more here and there until that bigger itch was finally scratched with the making of Exister.

To reign the whole thing in, HWM called upon legendary punk drummer Bill Stevenson (Descendents, Black Flag), and his Fort Collins, Colo., compound The Blasting Room to do the honors.

“Working with Bill and Jason [Livermore] at The Blasting Room was amazing,” relates Black. “They just fully understand our band and know how to make us a better version of Hot Water Music without influencing the material at all. [They produced] with vibe more than arrangements.

“We’d been working on the songs for Exister on the road for a while.

I believe it was either ‘The Traps’ or ‘Mainline’ that came together as a band first. It was a great feeling; playing new material always is.”

The band had to adjust its writing routine, too, what with the

members now residing all over the country. The band found the comforts of the digital age an invaluable asset in getting back into the swing of HWM 2.0.

“It’s been eight years since we’d released new material, so this was really the first record we’ve been so intertwined with the digital technology side of things,” says Black. “Being able to send song ideas back and forth was extremely integral to getting this record done.

“There was definitely an urgency to the writing and recording process that wouldn’t have been present had we all lived in the same area. Knowing you have X amount of time to write and record helps keep you from ending up writing and re-writing yourself into oblivion.”

Exister sounds as raw as some of HWM’s earliest material, replete with Ragan’s shredded-larynx lullabies, given a vehicle via anthemic, melodic punk rock riffage and driving rhythms. Songs such as the aforementioned “Mainline” exhibit a more stripped-down, straightahead approach than technically Herculean LPs like Fuel for the Hate Game. Black’s assessments of the band’s divergent methods for songwriting compared to before the band’s break is evident in Exister’s timeless takes on rock ‘n’ roll archetypes: huge choruses, deft songwriting by both Ragan and Wollard, and an almost irrevocable patina of singularity.

Simply put, Hot Water Music just doesn’t sound like anybody else, even when they’re playing Russian roulette with the recipe.

So what’s the secret to their success?

“It’s a pretty cliché answer,” says Black, “but we definitely wouldn’t be around at this point if it weren’t for our fans.”

Hot Water Music performs

“We’d been working on the songs for Exister on the road for a while. I believe it was either ‘The Traps’ or ‘Mainline’ that came together as a band first. It was a great feeling; playing new material always is.”

– Jason Black, Hot Water Music Issue 128 • January 21 – February 4, 2013

at Ace of Spades (1417 R St.) Thursday, Feb. 7 with openers La Dispute, and The Menzingers. Doors at 6:30 p.m., tickets are $18. All ages. For more information, visit Aceofspadessac.com.

13

from jacKs mannequin & something corPorate

fate unDer fire ParaDise fears

heaDlines

s u n day

January 27

With sPecial guest

F r i day

the reel

February 8

increDiBle me

February 16

sat u r day

1417 r street saCraMentO

Damage over time • chernoBog

F r i day

February 1

s u n day

February 10

s u n day

February 17

t u e s day

February 19

the Devin toWnsenD Project atlas moth

t h u r s day

street urchinz

January 24

BroDi nicholas

canDelight reD DeDvolt • fair struggle

t u e s day

February 5

the wailers

w e d n e s day

February 13

Gyptian valu fa nice uP

Playah K • lil Bit suave DeBonaire

F r i day

January 25

con chill Bro • DiamonD Dez

w e d n e s day

February 6

14

January 26

February 14

reign • Playah K & cmt richarD the rocKstar no mutiny cliq • suave DeBonaire r Dot carter • marK sniPes • cBK lucKy lefty

DimiDium • Prylosis • White minorities misamore • maDison avenue

sat u r day

t h u r s day

t h u r s day

February 7

Issue 128 • January 21 – February 4, 2013

F r i day

February 15

t h u r s day

February 21

relic 45 • maxxx

F r i day

February 22

Dive Into Sacramento & Its Surrounding Areas

americaz mozt haunteD

February 24

s u n day

Brutha smith quette DaDDie & oPtimitiq

February 26

t u e s day

F r i day

March 1

March 23

sat u r day

s u n day

s u n day

March 24

t h u r s day

February 28

april 6

March 27

sat u r day

april 13

matt W. gage

t u e s day

March 5

sat u r day solanum

sat u r day

March 3

sticK to your guns

February 27

april 2

maiD of the mist young guns lost element tracK fighter

w e d n e s day w e d n e s day

t u e s day

March 30

M O n day

april 22

William control • overWatch

w e d n e s day

March 6

BOardwaLk

9426 GreenBaCk Lane OranGevaLe

s u n day Secondhand Serenade tyler rich • self ProclaimeD • merceDes avenue

thursday February 28 SubmergeMag.com

j Boog • hot rain

w e d n e s day

March 20

March 31

all shows all ages

w e d n e s day

april 24

tickets available @ dimple records, the Beat, armadillo Online: aceOfspadessac.com

By Phone: 1.877.Gnd.CtrL Or 916.443.9202

Issue 128 • January 21 – February 4, 2013

15

Dreams Made Flesh

Emilie Autumn has created albums, crossed over to film and wrote a novel, but her whole career has lead up to this Words james barone photo melissa king

I

t’s 7 p.m. on a Thursday night, and Emilie Autumn is excited.

She just got off the phone with director Darren Lynn Bousman, the macabre visionary behind Repo! The Genetic Opera and more recently The Devil’s Carnival, a film in which Autumn stars as The Painted Doll. Bousman just called to let Autumn know that he was finishing up the final cut of the video for “Fight Like a Girl,” the title track to her most recent album, a sort of pop-goth invigoration of Broadway musicals numbering 17 tracks.

“He’s flipping out,” Autumn says of her conversation with Bousman. “He’s like, ‘This is the best thing I’ve ever done.’”

The video, not yet released as of this writing, is more of a mini movie according to Autumn. From her description, “mini movie” sounds like a bit of an understatement.

She says the video was shot in a “massive” eight-story Victorian theater in Los Angeles. In the video, she portrays a rebellious inmate who battles brutish orderlies for control of an asylum.

“We built this entire world with three levels,” she explains. “I did all my own stunts, as did we all…and I have the bruises to show for it still. I’m super proud of it, but it was kind of out of control.

“In the beginning, I get beaten up a lot and thrown to the floor, and of course, you have to do a million takes of that because you have to get Emilie being thrown to the floor from all angles; and Emilie getting smashed against the floor from all angles,” she continues. One entire day was me getting beaten up, and the second day was me transforming myself and the other inmates into the gorgeous mohawked warrior princesses who take over the theater, interrupt this ridiculous show that’s going on and kill a bunch of people.”

She chooses to stay mum on the video’s surprise ending, but it’s one of the few things Autumn isn’t open to talk about during our conversation. In fact, early on, she even turns the tables, asking me questions about how my day was and just my life in general. It’s a dizzying experience to speak with Autumn. She’s strange mix of brash and cocky yet utterly charming; a bit self-involved but genuinely curious about others.

This fascinating dichotomy shouldn’t come as any surprise to any one who’s followed Autumn’s career.

She’s a sort of a living harlequin doll whose soaring voice and preternatural chops on the violin are equally as jaw dropping as her onstage appearance and elaborate stage

16

Issue 128 • January 21 – February 4, 2013

Dive Into Sacramento & Its Surrounding Areas

Fa m i ly o w n e d s i n c e 1 9 3 4 shows. She’s style and substance—a rare but potent combination.

Autumn has currently embarked upon another stint on the road in support of Fight Like a Girl. In true Autumn fashion, she and her all-female backing band The Bloody Crumpets will be creating a full-on musical as opposed to your traditional rock show. In fact, Fight Like a Girl is a sort of pre-cursor to a full-blown musical that Autumn plans to unveil in 2014.

The full-length musical she’s working on is based on her 2010 novel, The Asylum for Wayward Girls, a fictional account of Autumn’s real-life institutionalization and bipolar disorder.

“The album is about one-third of the musical,” which will eventually reach the three-hour mark, she says.

Following suit, you can consider her current tour a teaser for what is to come, which is still evolving. Autumn reports that the show they’re taking on the road this time around is wildly different than what she and her band unleashed upon audiences last year.

“It’s new costumes, new sets, new songs,” she says. “It’s all on the next level.

The girls and I are out of our minds with excitement to get on stage and perform it for everybody. It’s like it’s the most exciting thing that has ever happened.”

Hyperbole aside, it’s easy to understand why she’s so amped up. Autumn says the idea to turn The Asylum… into something more than the book came during the writing process. She decided that she should use all of her talents— writing, songwriting, performing, costuming and set design—to bring her vision to full fruition.

“It was just like, how did I ever think of anything else? Of course, this is a musical.

That’s been my ultimate destiny,” she says.

Autumn believes that the next logical step from musical will be an Asylum… movie. And so, the artist has been getting more experience in front of the camera to prepare for that eventuality. She says she has a few film projects forthcoming this year, most notably Bousman’s The Devil’s Carnival 2, in which Autumn will have a very prominent role.

“When I was first asked to do Carnival a couple of years ago, when they were first putting together the idea for it, I thought, OK, I have no idea if this is going to be embarrassing or not or who else was going to

be in it, because I was the first person to sign on and say yes,” she says. “Of course, I’m thrilled that it’s this beautiful, incredible art piece, but I didn’t know that at the time. Why I signed on was because I thought, OK, I need practice for The Asylum… movie, because when I do that, I don’t want to fuck it up. You don’t get a second chance to make a movie, and I want to make sure I know what the hell I’m doing.”

Autumn also sees the current tour as good practice toward her ultimate goal, but that doesn’t mean if you catch her and The Bloody Crumpets on the road that you’ll see the rock ‘n’ roll equivalent of a rough-shod tech rehearsal. Though she has her sights set on bigger things, Autumn says she and her band are determined to bring it each and every night.

“What we work with every day on tour with the idea being the audience must never know that this is a compromised version of what I want,” she says. “They must always think this is the best show they have ever seen on the face of the planet. That’s our job, to make every thing seem on-purpose, totally intentional.”

Autumn believes that the first step of making her dream come true is visualizing it in her mind. The Asylum for Wayward Girls will open at London’s West End Theatre in 2014.

From there, she wants to bring the full-scale show to New York, Los Angeles and beyond before bringing it to the screen.

“I’m trying to be very detailed with what I want, because that is how you manifest things—to create them in your mind and make them real, and then build the reality around that,” she says. “That’s how The Asylum… happened. It was real to me, and now it’s real to so many different people, because I just really committed to that reality. I think this is the next version of that reality.”

Autumn’s “ultimate destiny” may still be quite a way off, but it’s rapidly approaching on her horizon.

“I don’t want to play arenas,” she says.

“That’s not my goal at all. I don’t want to have radio hits; that’s not my goal. It’s really just about that I want to create a story. I want to create magic. I want to create theater.”

If that’s her goal, then it’s already mission accomplished. If that’s not something to be excited about, I’m not sure what is.

“I don’t want to play arenas. That’s not my goal at all. I don’t want to have radio hits; that’s not my goal. It’s really just about that I want to create a story. I want to create magic. I want to create theater.”

– Emilie Autumn SubmergeMag.com

916-443-9751

1901 10th Street eVeRy monday niGHT

GUesT cHeFs

FRee moVie mondays 9-11:30pm

SERvINg Up $5 plATES, 6pm

eVeRy TUesday niGHT

KaRaoKe!

W/ SAC CITY ENTERTAINMENT

eVeRy wednesday niGHT

oPen mic!

W/ NICo ApplEWhITE

9pm Free

sign-Ups 8:30pm

9pm Free

*liVe RocK mUsic! * saTURday, plUS Drink SpecialS 9-11pm

eVeRy THURsday niGHT 9pm Free

plUS Drink SpecialS 9pm-12am

FRiday, JanUaRy 25

FebRUaRy 2

8pm $5

9:30pm $5

THE LIPSTICK WEEKENDER

BACON FEST!!

Tasty bacon bar food and some favorite tunes from Kevin Bacon films: 50 Watt Heavy Jem & Scout Aaron King Musical Charis Jay Shaner Blossom Rock Soft Science

with DJ’s Shaun Slaughter & Roger Carpio

saTURday, JanUaRy 26 9pm $6

Whoopie Qat

Deeelicious old timey lunches served monday - friday 11:30am - 2pm

Now serving

LATE NIGHT BITES! wednesdays 8pm-12am

sunday

jan 27

bP & Praduh live!

8Pm No Cover!

tuesday

feb 5

sigN uP for PinE covE viP club & reCeive Perks aNd sPeCial disCouNts * WiNNer earNs text the Word 2-hour shoWCase “PiNeCove”to PerformaNCe fully 55678

battle musiCiaNs

sunday

of the

Promoted by bar * PoteNtial for Pay aNd future gigs

feb 3

suPer boWl Party!

2:30Pm No Cover! tuesdays

See the spectacle that is Emilie Autumn live at The Colonial Theatre on Feb. 1, presented by the Sacramento Horror Film Festival. Doors open at 8 p.m., and tickets ($20) can be purchased through either Emilieautumn.com or Sachorrorfilmfest.com.

Downtown Sacramento

9Pm No Cover!

Wednesdays

Open Mic trivia hOur 9Pm No Cover!

9Pm No Cover!

th &E St sac (916) 446-3624 29 Facebook.com/PinecoveTavern • TwiTTer - @PinecoveTavern Issue 128 • January 21 – February 4, 2013

17

t h wheels g i e of

fury

Think you’ve got what it takes to join Sacramento’s Roller Derby Elite?

Words Steph Rodriguez • Photos Donalee Eiri, Photography by D.E.sign

S

kip the tutus, leave the fishnet stockings at home and dare call any of them “derby girls.” For the women representing local derby leagues Sac City Rollers and Sacred City Derby Girls, roller derby is taken very seriously. Sure, the term “derby girl” stuck as the overall vernacular throughout the sport’s existence; however, you’ve been forewarned. For both leagues, derby is a full-contact sport that requires more skills and dedication than just rolling around on eight wheels. Derby encompasses the lives of each player, often dedicating dozens of hours outside of practice to improve their endurance and abilities for life on the track. Whether they’re teaching sixth grade science during the day or taking on the general manager position for their entire league, the women of derby are all in. Players from both leagues sit down with Submerge to squash the misconceptions and hand out tips for this season’s tryouts. Do you have what it takes to become a blocker for the Sac City Rollers or the next jammer for Sacred City? Find out from four of the leagues' toughest competitors.

aleithal weapon

FISHNETS, TUTUS AND MISCONCEPTIONS

colt 45

Besides the “derby girl” label, there are other misconceptions about roller derby that Josie Moody, or Colt 45 of the Sacred City team, the Sacrificers, says really bothers her. For one, the game is never staged and is very real.

“This is a sport, and we take derby very seriously. Plus, I don’t think we call 40-yearold women, girls,” says Colt 45 who adds all personalities and body types are welcome in the world of derby.

“You don’t have to be a big, burly person to play derby. There’s no one type of person that plays. It's straight women, lesbians, transgendered people, people who are in law school, servers, CEOs, nurses [and] all sorts of people.”

Ranked seventh on the West Coast and certified with the Women’s Flat Track Derby Association (WFTDA), the members of Sacred City look forward to their season-opening bout, or game, on Friday, Feb. 8 at the Memorial Auditorium. Colt 45 says attending a bout is the best way to understand the physical demands of roller derby.

As a full-contact sport, derby calls for knee pads, helmets and mouth guards to protect all

“you don’t have to be a big, burly person to play derby. there’s no one type of person that plays. it's straight women, lesbians, transgendered people, people who are in law school, servers, ceos, nurses [and] all sorts of people.”

– colt 45, sacred city derby girls

18

Issue 128 • January 21 – February 4, 2013

those pretty smiles, but for Aleitha Burns of the Sac City Rollers, which also recently gained certification with the WFTDA last year and looks forward to moving up the ranks this season, or as her team mates know her, Aleithal Weapon, the tutus and other glamorous threads shouldn’t be of importance when on the track.

Roller derby is no fashion show.

“My biggest pet peeve is that people think that roller derby is all about hot pants and fishnets,” says Aleithal Weapon. “[We’re] true athletes. It is a real sport. It’s just like basketball or football or any other sport. The biggest misconception is that we’re all focused on our hot pants and our fishnets.”

“[we’re] true athletes. it is a real sport. it’s just like basketball or football or any other sport. the biggest misconception is that we’re all focused on our hot pants and our fishnets.”

– aleithal weapon, sac city rollers Dive Into Sacramento & Its Surrounding Areas

TRYOUTS: HUMILITY, HEART AND HAVING THICK SKIN Colt 45 said it best, “You weren’t born wearing skates.” Certain women are natural athletes and move up the ranks within three months time in the world of roller derby, others, take a year or more. Despite the time it takes an individual to land a position on either team, Trinity Gleckler, aka La Lucha, of the Sac City Rollers admits to falling during tryouts over seven years ago—a lot.

“I started in the league’s birth in 2006. I didn’t know how to skate, and I had to teach myself through falling,” says La Lucha. “It took a lot of hard work.”

“i started in the league’s birth in 2006. i didn’t know how to skate, and i had to teach myself through falling. it took a lot of hard work.”

– la lucha, sac city rollers

La Lucha

Evil Shenanigans

REWARDS AND WHAT TO EXPECT All the women agree that there are no real requirements when it comes to tryouts. Gear can be borrowed and no skating experience is necessary, but it’s recommended to visit a rink and practice balance. In the end, both teams welcome any and all to try out and say not only will you experience a lifelong sisterhood, but gain confidence and assertiveness in all aspects of life.

“I’ve seen moms without any sporting experience come in and just blow my mind,” says La Lucha. “Join something that will change your life. It changes your life if you allow it to do so.”

Hard work and the willingness to laugh at oneself according to Colt 45 are also important when it comes to derby tryouts. She says as adults the reluctance to fall in front of others paired with the acceptance of humility is a difficult feat for most.

“I was completely terrible at [skating] when I first started and I was terrible at it for a long time,” says Colt 45.

Being terrible in front of new faces sometimes invites the “shit talking” to begin as Lisa Zaniewski so bluntly explains.

Evil Shenanigans, or Evil, as her Sacred City teammates refer to her, says one cardinal rule of roller derby is having thick skin.

“Not all the girls are going to be nice to you.

When you play, they’re going to call you names, they’re going to say horrible things about you and about your team,” says Evil. “You have to be prepared to take it. You have to be ready for people to talk shit about you and they will.”

Still, falling in front of strangers and the whispers of others should be last on your list of worries when contemplating derby tryouts.

Aleithal Weapon says derby isn’t a sport you get in shape for, but a sport you should be in shape for.

“My biggest top tip would be interval running where you get your heart rate up by running for five minutes, stop and do some other activity,” says Aleithal Weapon. “Studies show—I’m a science teacher—to properly build endurance, interval training is the best way to go, because you’re training your heart to be faster and slow down.”

Endurance is a major plus in roller derby, so Weapon suggests whether its wall sits while watching television, or squats while brushing your teeth, working those hamstrings and quad muscles as much as possible will only help.

OPEN MIC !

Every

ALL

Friday

AGES

Signups

“join something that will change your life. it changes your life if you allow it to do so.”

– la lucha, sac city rollers Watch Sacred City’s first bout of the season at Memorial Auditorium on Friday, Feb. 8, and visit Sacredcityderbygirls.com for tryout information. Tryouts begin March 10.

Think you have what it takes to join the Sac City Rollers? Visit Saccityrollers.com for more information on their tryouts scheduled for Jan. 27.

No Cover $3 Wells $3 Craft Beer $6 Apps

SAT & SUN BREAKFAST 10am-2pm FREE WIFI | DOG FRIENDLY | BBQ SMOKER

57th & Jst - 916-457-5600 Happy Hour M-F 3-6 pm & Thur 9-1am SubmergeMag.com

Issue 128 • January 21 – February 4, 2013

19

Find the answers...

Find the answers...

Church of Scientology Sacramento Open 9 a.m. to 10 p.m (Mon-Fri) & 9 a.m. to 6 p.m. (Sat-Sun) 1007 6th Street (6th & J St.), Sacramento - (916) 319-5440

www.scientology-sacramento.org Take this magazine in to receive a free DVD. © 2012 by CSSAC. All Rights Reserved. Scientology is a trademark and service mark owned by Religious Technology Center and used with its permission. Produced in USA.

20

Issue 128 • January 21 – February 4, 2013

Dive Into Sacramento & Its Surrounding Areas

jan. 21 – Feb. 4

submergemag.com/calendar

music, comedy & misc. Calendar

1.21 Monday

The Boxing Donkey Open Mic Variety Night, 8 p.m.

Distillery Karaoke, 9 p.m.

Fox & Goose Open Mic Night, 7:30 p.m.

Harlow’s Kevin Seconds, The Secretions, Whiskey & Stitches, 8 p.m.

Luna’s Cafe Nebraska Mondays hosted by Ross Hammond, 7:30 p.m.

Old Ironsides The Nuance, 7:30 p.m.

Powerhouse Pub Karaoke, 9 p.m.

Press Club Tyson Graf Trio, Güerro, Mason Rex, 8 p.m.

Red Hawk Casino Chili Sauce, 7 p.m.

Sol Collective Microphone Mondays, 8 p.m.

Townhouse Open Mic, 9 p.m.

1.22 Tuesday

Bows and Arrows Ross Hammond & Amy Reed, Neil Haydon, Tony Passarell’s This Air Orchestra, 8 p.m.

The Cozmic Cafe Biosexual, Stephen Steinbrink, Hot World, Ever Ending Kicks, 8 p.m.

Distillery Karaoke, 9 p.m.

Dive Bar Le Twist Tuesdays w/ Group Rhoda, DJ Mike C, Sam I Jam, Adam J, Taylor Cho, Roger Carpio, 9 p.m.

Old Ironsides Karaoke, 9 p.m.

Pine Cove Open Mic Night, 9 p.m.

Powerhouse Pub College Night w/ DJ Rigatony, DJ Alazzawi, 10:30 p.m.

Shine Jazz Jam w/ Jason Galbraith & Guests, 8 p.m.

T2 Nightclub & Lounge Karaoke, 9 p.m.

Torch Club Dippin Sauce, 5:30 p.m.; Island of Black & White, 9 p.m.

1.23 Wednesday

Bows and Arrows Ever Ending Kicks, Darlingchemicalia, Mindflowers, 8 p.m.

Broderick Roadhouse Karaoke, 9 p.m.

Club Car The Double Shots, 7:30 p.m.

The Colony Fault Lines, Seeker, Rebel Radio, Anti Social, Amarion, 8 p.m.

Distillery Karaoke, 9 p.m.

SubmergeMag.com

Fox & Goose Soul Night, 8 p.m.

G Street WunderBar DJ Larry, 8 p.m.

Laughs Unlimited Karaoke, 8 p.m.

LowBrau DJ Mike C, 6 p.m.

Mix DJ Gabe Xavier, DJ Peeti-V, 9 p.m.

Old Ironsides Open Mic, 9 p.m.

Old Soul Co. (The Alley) Actively Listening hosted by Autumn Sky and Mr. Erik James, 6 p.m.

Parlare L!FE w/ DJ Epik, DJ Oasis, DJ Lahn, 9 p.m.

Powerhouse Pub Track Fighter, Sinn Mafia, Bound, Of Arson, 8 p.m.

Press Club Drive-Thru Mystics, Captain Amazing and the Okay I Guesses, Secret Secretaries, 8:30 p.m.

Red Hawk Casino Chili Sauce, 7 p.m.

Torch Club Acoustic Open Mic, 5:30 p.m. Earphunk, 9 p.m.

1.24 thursday

Ace of Spades Gojira, Devin Townsend Project, Atlas Moth, 6:30 p.m.

The Boardwalk Philthy Rich, J. Stalin, The Jacka, Retro, 7 p.m.

Broderick Roadhouse Live DJ’s, 9:30 p.m.

Club Car Songwriters Showcase, 8 p.m.

The Coffee Garden Open Mic Night, 8 p.m.

The Colony Satya Sena, 30.06, Competing, The J.J.s, 8 p.m.

Dive Bar Dueling Pianos, 9 p.m.

Fox & Goose Jim Raines, Jim Funk, 8 p.m.

Harlow’s Led Kaapana, 5:30 p.m.

Level Up Lounge Karaoke, 9 p.m.

Marilyn’s Rock On Live Band Karaoke, 9 p.m.

Midtown BarFly CFR, IDEATEAM, Awkward Lemon, 8 p.m.

Mix DJ Eddie Edul, DJ Peeti V, 9 p.m.

Pine Cove Karaoke, 9 p.m.

Powerhouse Pub Highway 20 Band, 9 p.m.

Press Club FFFreak! w/ DJ Crook & Ben Johnson, 9:30 p.m.

Red Hawk Casino Chili Sauce, 7 p.m.

The Stoney Inn Jason Buell & the Double Barrel Band, 9 p.m.

Torch Club X Trio, 5 p.m.; Mark Sexton, 9 p.m.

Townhouse Wild w/ DJ Billy Lane and Guests, 9:30 p.m.

1.25 Friday

Ace of Spades Roach Gigz, Suave Debonaire, Playah K, Lil Bit, 7 p.m.

Beatnik Studios North Bound Train, Full Melt, Awkward Lemon, Güerro, 8 p.m.

The Blue Lamp The Tipsy Hustlers, Crazy Ballhead, 9:30 p.m.

The Boardwalk Da Pushah, Don Deazy, MAK, Creeper, Ghostedo, Powda Riches, Young Jae, 7 p.m.

Bows and Arrows Light Skinned Creole (Album Release), Dj Mike Colossal, Mr. P Chill, Vince Vicardi, 7 p.m.

Broderick Roadhouse Live DJ’s, 9:30 p.m.

Capitol Garage Dub Culture, 10 p.m.

Center for the Arts Marc Cohn, Rebecca Pidgeon, 8 p.m. (Sold Out) Clark’s Corner Open Mic hosted

by Andrew Barnhart & Mac Russ, 9 p.m.

Club Car Halie O’Ryan & Johnny D, 9 p.m.

Colusa Casino DJ Burnie, 9 p.m.

District 30 DJ JB, 9 p.m.

Fox & Goose Brolly, Goodnight Moonshine, West of Next, 9 p.m.

Golden Bear DJ Crook, 10 p.m.

Harlow’s Tom Rigney and Flambeau, 5:30 p.m.; Dead Winter Carpenters, The Brothers Comatose, 9:30 p.m.

Level Up Lounge Hot Pants w/ DJ Rock Bottom, 9 p.m.

Luna’s Cafe Nate Bieir & the Signifiers, Kilo & Pepper, Julie the Bruce, 8 p.m.

Midtown BarFly Get Down to the Champion Sound w/ DJ Esef and guests, 10 p.m.

Midtown Village Cafe Machine City, Visiting Days, Tiger Streaks, Keep It From The Cops, 7 p.m.

Mix DJ Elliott Estes, 9 p.m.

Old Ironsides 50 Watt Heavy, Jem & Scout, Aaron King, Musical Charis, Jay Shaner, Blossom Rock, Soft Science, 8 p.m.

The Park Ultra Lounge DJ Eddie Edule, 9 p.m.

Pine Cove Karaoke, 9 p.m.

Powerhouse Pub Steel Breeze, 10 p.m.

Press Club DJ Rue, 9 p.m.

Red Hawk Casino Maxx Cabello Jr., 5 p.m.; Brodie Stewart, 10 p.m.

Torch Club Pailer & Fratis, 5 p.m.; Karen Lovely, 9 p.m.

1.26

use a qr scanner on your smart phone to view calendar online

The Blue Lamp Hans & The Hot Mess, Roem Baur & Red Leaf, 8 p.m.

The Boardwalk With Wolves, Havenside, Soma Ras, Within These Casket Walls, Maid of the Mist, A Holy Ghost Revival, 7 p.m.

Bows and Arrows The Trees, Honyock, Big Long Now, 8 p.m.

Broderick Roadhouse KB & The Slingtones, 9:30 p.m.

Cache Creek Casino Angeline Quinto, Ogie Alcasid, Raymond Ritchie, 8 p.m.

Center for the Arts The Swingin’ Utters, Dirty Filthy Mugs, 47 Mile, Setting Sons, 7:30 p.m.

Club Car Abandon Theory, 9 p.m.

Club Retro Brown Sky Blue Dirt, Brave Season, Mercedes Ave., Cuba, Nude and True, 6 p.m.

Colusa Casino G-Spot Boogie Band, 9 p.m.

District 30 Rock and Rhyme, 9 p.m.

Fox & Goose Spangler, Yellow Jacket Motel, Rich Driver, 9 p.m.

G Street WunderBar Midnight Raid, 9 p.m.

Harlow’s Joel the Band, 5:30 p.m.; Tyler Bryant and the Shakedown, 9:30 p.m.

Harrah’s Lake Tahoe Foghat, 7:30 p.m.

Haven Underground Ghost Pines, Them Hills, This Is Radiation, 9 p.m.

Level Up Lounge Guest DJs, 9 p.m.

Luna’s Cafe David Houston & String Theory, Anton Barbeau, 8 p.m.

Marilyn’s Gene Smith Lives, Three Masons, 9 p.m.

Mix DJ Crooked, Gabe Xavier, 9 p.m.

Old Ironsides Whoopie Qat, 9 p.m.

Pine Cove Karaoke, 9 p.m.

Powerhouse Pub Poster Child, 10 p.m.

Pre-Flight Lounge Anthony’s Barbershop Four Year Anniversary Party w/ Bastards of Young, DJ Whores, 9 p.m.

Press Club DJ Larry Rodriguez, 9 p.m.

Red Hawk Casino Maxx Cabello Jr., 5 p.m.; Brodie Stewart, 10 p.m.

Shenanigans DJ Hype, 9 p.m.

Shine Delta City Ramblers, Pine Street Ramblers, Sean Fleming, 8 p.m.

Sol Collective Genrenaut, Malcom Bliss, Adhara, BRI, Dudley & the Do Rights, 6:30 p.m.

Torch Club Johnny Guitar Knox, 5 p.m.; Electric Grease, 9 p.m.

Townhouse The Happy Hollows, Mount Whateverest, DJ Roger Carpio, 9 p.m.

Saturday

Ace of Spades FallRise, Dimidium, Prylosis, White Minorities, Misamore, Madison Avenue, 6:30 p.m.

continued on page 22

>>

Issue 128 • January 21 – February 4, 2013

21

1.27 Sunday

Ace of Spades Action Item, Max Schneider, Before You Exit, Hello Highway, Fate Under Fire, Paradise Fears, Headlines, 4:30 p.m.

Cache Creek Casino Angeline Quinto, Ogie Alcasid, Raymond Ritchie, 4 p.m.

Capitol Garage Karaoke w/ Jeff Jenkins, 9 p.m.

Center for the Arts Rita Hosking & Cousin Jack, 7:30 p.m.

The Colony Life for a Life, What This Means, Trap Her Keep Her, Isolation A.D., Vice, 8 p.m.

Distillery Karaoke, 8 p.m.

Downtown Plaza Kelly Rogers, 2 p.m.

E St. Plaza (Davis) The Davis Flea Market presents: Big Tree, Tha Dirt Feelin and more, 11 a.m.

Mix DJ Gabe Xavier, 9 p.m.

Pine Cove BP & Praduh, 8 p.m.

Powerhouse Pub Drifters, 3 p.m.; Open Blues Jam, 7 p.m.

Press Club Sunday Night Soul Party w/ DJ Larry & DJ Hailey, 9 p.m.

Red Hawk Casino Michael Beck, 7 p.m.

Torch Club Blues Jam, 4 p.m.; Jeremy Norris, 8 p.m.

1.28 Monday

The Boxing Donkey Open Mic Variety Night, 8 p.m.

Broderick Roadhouse Open Mic, 9 p.m.

Distillery Karaoke, 9 p.m.

Fox & Goose Open Mic Night, 7:30 p.m.

Luna’s Cafe Nebraska Mondays hosted by Ross Hammond, 7:30 p.m.

Old Ironsides The Nuance, 7:30 p.m.

Powerhouse Pub Karaoke, 9 p.m.

Red Hawk Casino Fresh, 7 p.m.

Sol Collective Microphone Mondays, 8 p.m.

Townhouse Open Mic, 9 p.m.

Old Ironsides Karaoke, 9 p.m.

Pine Cove Open Mic Night, 9 p.m.

Powerhouse Pub College Night w/ DJ Rigatony, DJ Alazzawi, 10:30 p.m.

Red Hawk Casino Fresh, 7 p.m.

Shine Jazz Jam w/ Jason Galbraith & Guests, 8 p.m.

Sleep Train Arena Muse, Band of Skulls, 7 p.m.

T2 Nightclub & Lounge Karaoke, 9 p.m.

Torch Club Emmie Jones, 5:30 p.m.; Bumptet, 9 p.m.

Townhouse GRIMEY w/ DJ Whores and Guests, 9 p.m.

UC Davis: Jackson Hall Yo-Yo Ma, Kathryn Stott, 8 p.m.

1.30 wednesday

Broderick Roadhouse Karaoke, 9 p.m.

Club Car The Double Shots, 7:30 p.m.

Distillery Karaoke, 9 p.m.

District 30 Diana Blakeslee, 9 p.m.

Fox & Goose Soul Night w/ Sacto Soul Rebels, 8 p.m.

G Street WunderBar Funk Night w/ DJ Larry, 8 p.m.

Harlow’s Paul Thorn, 5:30 p.m.

Laughs Unlimited Karaoke, 8 p.m.

Mix DJ Gabe Xavier, DJ Peeti-V, 9 p.m.

Old Ironsides Open Mic, 9 p.m.

Old Soul Co. (The Alley) Actively Listening hosted by Autumn Sky and Mr. Erik James, 6 p.m.

Parlare L!FE w/ DJ Epik, DJ Oasis, DJ Lahn, 9 p.m.

Powerhouse Pub Relic 45, Quinn Hedges Band, The Ruin, 8 p.m.

Press Club Danny Secretion, Jordan Wolfe, Cory Weigert, Patrick Hills, 8:30 p.m.

Red Hawk Casino Fresh, 7 p.m.

Torch Club Acoustic Open Mic, 5:30 p.m.; Lonesome Locomotive, 9 p.m.

UC Davis: Vanderhoef Studio Theatre Chan Park, 8 p.m.

University Union Redwood Room, CSUS Nooner w/ ZuhG, 12 p.m.

1.31 1.29 Thursday

Tuesday

The Colony Tabor Mountain, Hydrogen Bomb Island, aGenius, AtomSk, 8 p.m.

Distillery Karaoke, 9 p.m.

22

Issue 128 • January 21 – February 4, 2013

The Blue Lamp Skratchpad, 9 p.m.

Broderick Roadhouse Live DJ’s, 9:30 p.m.

Club Car Songwriters Showcase, 8 p.m.

The Coffee Garden Open Mic Night, 8 p.m.

Davis Bike Collective Pregnant, Healing Potpourri, Dad Punch, 8 p.m.

Delta of Venus Pregnant, Healing Potpourri, Dad Punch, 8 p.m.

District 30 Paul Oakenfold, 9 p.m.

Dive Bar Dueling Pianos, 9 p.m.

Downtown Plaza Band of E-Gypt, 6 p.m.

Fox & Goose The Mike Justis Band, 8 p.m.

Harlow’s Nicki Bluhm & The Gramblers, 7 p.m.

Haven Underground Aaron Ross, Mariee Sioux, Lonesome Leash, 7:30 p.m.

Level Up Lounge Karaoke, 9 p.m.

Marilyn’s Rock On Live Band Karaoke, 9 p.m.

Mix DJ Eddie Edul, DJ Peeti V, 9 p.m.

Pine Cove Karaoke, 9 p.m.

Powerhouse Pub Michael Beck, 9 p.m.

Red Hawk Casino Fresh, 7 p.m.

Sleep Train Arena George Strait, Martina McBride, 6:30 p.m.

Torch Club X Trio, 5 p.m.; Reds Blues, 9 p.m.

Townhouse Wild w/ DJ Billy Lane and Guests, 9:30 p.m.

UC Davis: Yocha Dehe Grand Lobby Calder Quartet, Rootstock Percussion, Mayumi Hama, 12 p.m.

2.01 FRIDAY

Ace of Spades Silverstein, Like Moths To Flames, Glass Cloud, Secrets, Issues, 6:30 p.m.

The Blue Lamp The Akron Family Band, 9 p.m.

Broderick Roadhouse Live DJ’s, 9:30 p.m.

Capitol Garage Dub Culture, 10 p.m.

Center for the Arts Ozomatli, 8:30 p.m.

Clark’s Corner Open Mic hosted by Andrew Barnhart & Mac Russ, 9 p.m.

Colonial Theatre Emilie Autumn, 7:30 p.m.

Fox & Goose Pets, The Silent Numbers, Arts & Leisure, 9 p.m.

Golden Bear DJ Crook, 10 p.m.

Harlow’s Arden Park Roots, 9 p.m.

Level Up Lounge Hot Pants w/ DJ Rock Bottom, 9 p.m.

Marilyn’s XSample & the Atomic Banned, 9 p.m.

Midtown BarFly Get Down to the Champion Sound w/ DJ Esef and guests, 10 p.m.

Dive Into Sacramento & Its Surrounding Areas

Mix DJ Elliott Estes, 9 p.m.

On The Y Hellbound (Pantera tribute), Bloody Roots (Sepultura tribute), STrYK9, 9 p.m.

The Park Ultra Lounge DJ Eddie Edule, 9 p.m.

Pine Cove Karaoke, 9 p.m.

Powerhouse Pub Tainted Love, 10 p.m.

Press Club DJ Rue, 9 p.m.

Red Hawk Casino Ryan Hernandez, 5 p.m.; Frank Hannon Band, 10 p.m.

Shine Jenn Rogar, Aly Tadros, J. Irvin Dally, The James Israel Band, 8 p.m.

The Stoney Inn Ultimate Rodeo After Party w/ the Brodie Stewart Band, 10 p.m.

Torch Club Pailer & Fratis, 5 p.m.; Beso Negro, 9 p.m.

The Where House? Rise Entertainment Benefit Show Day 1 w/ Defyant Circle, Horseneck, Heroes at Gunpoint, 30.06, Zombie Death Stench, Highway 12, 8 p.m.

2.02 Saturday

The Blue Lamp Bob Marley B-Day Celebration w/ DJ Wokstar and more, 9 p.m.

The Boardwalk The Aristocrats, Travis Larson, Caligator, The Scott Allen Project, 7 p.m.

Bows and Arrows Charles Albright, The Scouse Gits, Four Eyes, Boats!, 8 p.m.

Club Retro Kalima, New Fang, One More Night, Pseudosilence, 7 p.m.

Fox & Goose The Bleedin’ Hearts, Big Iron, Lucky Laskowski, 9 p.m.

Fusion International Art Center The Broun Fellinis, The Harley White Jr. Trio feat. Justin Desmangles, Garrett Perkins & Sean King, 7 p.m.

Harrah’s Lake Tahoe Ben Folds Five, Nataly Dawn, 7:30 p.m.

Haven Underground Zapper, Dat Girl, Hypha, Psyfi, Cyntel, 9 p.m.

Level Up Lounge Guest DJs, 9 p.m.

Marilyn’s Instagon (20th Anniversary Show), EGG, Lords of Outland, 9 p.m.

Mix DJ Mike Moss, 9 p.m.

Old Ironsides The Lipstick Weekender w/ DJ’s Shaun Slaughter & Roger Carpio, 9:30 p.m.

Pine Cove Karaoke, 9 p.m.

Powerhouse Pub Two 20 Band, 10 p.m.

Press Club DJ Larry Rodriguez, 9 p.m.

The Professional Aethere, Soma Ras, Fallujah, Awaiting the Apocalypse, Gary Busey Amber Alert, Kennedy Veil, Removal of A Tenth, 6 p.m.

Red Hawk Casino Ryan Hernandez, 5 p.m.; Frank Hannon Band, 10 p.m.

Shenanigans Restrayned, Skin of Saints, Damage Inc., Aaron Pearson, 8 p.m.

Shine Fulkerson & Clarke, Billy Patton, 8 p.m.

The Stoney Inn Ultimate Rodeo After Party w/ the Chris Gardner Band, 10 p.m.

Torch Club Johnny Guitar Knox, 5 p.m.; The Inciters, 9 p.m.

Townhouse Pop Freq w/ DJ X-GVNR, 9 p.m.

UC Davis: Vanderhoef Studio Theatre Calder Quartet, 8 p.m.

The Where House? Rise Entertainment Benefit Show Day 2 w/ Yankee Brutal, Heroes At Gunpoint, Avenue Saints, Urban Wolves, The Aberzombies, JP Hunter, 8 p.m.

2.03 Sunday

The Blue Lamp Super Bowl Half-Time Show w/ Kill The Precedent, Black Mackerel, 3 p.m.

Capitol Garage Karaoke w/ Jeff Jenkins, 9 p.m.

Distillery Karaoke, 8 p.m.

Mix DJ Gabe Xavier, 9 p.m.

Press Club Sunday Night Soul Party w/ DJ Larry & DJ Hailey, 9 p.m.

Red Hawk Casino Buck Ford, 7 p.m.

Torch Club Tess Marie and the Poor Man Band, 8 p.m.

Townhouse Jilt Vs Jonah, WereCat, Sandscapes, 8 p.m.

UC Davis: Jackson Hall UC Davis Symphony Orchestra, 7 p.m.

UC Davis: Vanderhoef Studio Theatre Calder Quartet, 2 p.m.

2.04 Monday

The Boxing Donkey Open Mic Variety Night, 8 p.m.

Broderick Roadhouse Open Mic, 9 p.m.

Distillery Karaoke, 9 p.m.

Fox & Goose Open Mic Night, 7:30 p.m.

Luna’s Cafe Nebraska Mondays hosted by Ross Hammond, 7:30 p.m.

Pine Cove Battle of the Musicians, 9 p.m.

Powerhouse Pub Karaoke, 9 p.m.

Press Club The Bell Boys,

Project4Trees, The Alt/Recluse, 8:30 p.m.

Red Hawk Casino Motown with Heart, 7 p.m.

Sol Collective Microphone Mondays, 8 p.m.

Townhouse Open Mic, 9 p.m.

UC Davis: Jackson Hall Salome: San Francisco Opera, 7 p.m.

Comedy Broderick Comedy Open Mic hosted

by Carlos Rodriguez, Tuesdays, 9:30 p.m.

Laughs Unlimited Mike Marino, Cliff Yates, Jan. 25 - 27, Fri. & Sat., 8 p.m. & 10:30 p.m.; Sunday, 7 p.m.

Flips and Beaners Comedy Jam w/ Ron Josol, Jose Lopez, Jimmy Earll, hosted by Ruban Mora, Jan. 31, 8 p.m.

Kira Soltanovice, The Real (funny) Housewives of Rio Linda, Feb. 1 - 2, Fri. & Sat., 8 p.m. & 10:30 p.m.

Luna’s Cafe Keith Lowell Jensen’s Comedy Night, every Wednesday, 8 p.m.

Po’Boyz Bar & Grill (Folsom) Comedy Open Mic, every Monday, 9 p.m.

and Monday, 7:30 p.m.

Harold Night, every Tuesday and Wednesday, 9 p.m.

Comedy Space w/ Ray Molina, every Thursday, 9 p.m.

Grange Performing Arts Center Movies on a Big Screen presents: My Man Godfrey, Jan. 23, 7 p.m.; Vegucated, Jan. 30, 7 p.m.

The Stand Up Show, every Friday, 8 p.m.

Little Relics Boutique & Galleria Eric Decetis: 30-Year Retrospective, through Jan. 31

Anti-Cooperation League, every Saturday, 9 p.m.

Luna’s Cafe Poetry Unplugged, every Thursday, 8 p.m.

Top 10 List Podcast Live!, every Saturday, 10:30 p.m.

Memorial Auditorium 11th Annual Sacramento Invitational TKD Championships, Feb. 2, 9 p.m.

Shine Comedy Night, Jan. 31, 8 p.m.

The Stoney Inn Nutty Monday’s Comedy Showcase hosted by Lance Woods, every Monday, 9 p.m.

Tommy T’s Cocoa Brown, Jan. 24 - 27, Thurs., 7:30 p.m.; Fri. & Sat., 7:30 p.m. & 9:30 p.m.; Sun., 7 p.m.

Esau McGraw, Jan. 31 - Feb. 3, Thurs., 7:30 p.m.; Fri. & Sat., 7:30 p.m. & 9:30 p.m.; Sun., 7 p.m. m .

Misc.

Art Of Toys Romance feat. artist Mary Lyons, Marca Castillo, Yoland Bello, Feb. 1 - 28 Bows & Arrows Your Hair Got Long by artist Jeff Mayry, through Jan. 30

Punchline Comedy Club Doug Benson’s Doug Loves Movies Podcast, Jan. 21, 4:20 p.m.

Community Center Theatre Rock of Ages: A Musical Feat. the Songs of Journey, Styx, REO Speedwagon, Foreigner and others, through Jan. 27

Chris Franjola, Jan. 24 - 26, Thurs., 8 p.m.; Fri. & Sat., 8 p.m. & 10 p.m.

Crest Theatre Screening of Sound City, Jan. 31, 7 p.m.

Mike E. Winfield, Jan. 27, 7 p.m.

Pass It On - An Evening w/ Bill W. and Dr. Bob, Jan. 31 - Feb. 1, 6:30 p.m.

Comedy Kill! feat. Jesse Fernandez, Daniel Humbarger, Tyler Kinney, Diego Curiel, Ray Molina, Chris Thayer, Johnny Taylor, Jan. 30, 8 p.m.

Elks Tower Historic Ballroom Flappers & Fellas: A Rip-Roaring ‘20s Soiree, Jan. 31, 7 p.m.

Godfrey, Jan. 31 - Feb. 2, Thurs., 8 p.m.; Fri. & Sat., 8 p.m. & 10 p.m.

Fusion International Arts Center VegFest, Jan. 26, 11 a.m.

Sacramento Comedy Spot Open Mic Scramble, every Sunday

The Art of Beer: A Celebration of Craft Beer and Fine Art, Feb. 1, 6 p.m.

Pine Cove Trivia Night, every Wednesday, 9 p.m.

Press Club Flex Your Head Tuesday Night Trivia, every Tuesday, 8 p.m.

Sacramento Art Complex Nocturnal by Raphael Delgado, through Feb. 2 Sacramento Ballet Studios A Night in the Roaring 20’s, Feb. 1, 7 p.m.

Shine Poetry with Legs hosted by Bill Gainer, Jan 23, 7:30 p.m.

Sleep Train Arena Harlem Globetrotters 2013 “You Write the Rules” World Tour, Jan. 21, 2 p.m.

WWE Smackdown, Jan. 22, 6 p.m.

Professional Bull Riders, Feb. 1 - 2, 7 p.m.

Three Stages Performing Arts Center Rasta Thomas’ Bad Boys Of Dance, Jan. 24, 7:30 p.m.

Time Tested Books Reading w/ World Renowned Poet Yuyutsu Sharma, Jan. 21, 7 p.m.

Underground Books HAIRitage: Discussion and Book Signing, Feb. 1, 6 p.m.

University Union Ballroom, CSUS Movie Screening: Argo, Jan. 31, 7:30 p.m.

Various Restaurants & Bars Bacon Fest Sacramento, through Jan. 27

Let us take you home tonight.

444-2222 SubmergeMag.com

Issue 128 • January 21 – February 4, 2013

23

1 /2 4 Gojira

2 /8 anDrew McMahon

2 /2 4 the Summer Set

3 /2 0 reBelution

2 /2 6

Playah K • lil Bit • Suave DeBonaire

2/10 SChoolBoy q

Blaze ya DeaD homie anyBoDy Killa

3 /2 3 The joy FormiDaBle

1 /2 6 fallrise

2/13 The Green

The Devin TownsenD ProjecT aTlas MoTh

1 /2 5 roach GiGz

DimiDium • PryloSiS White minoritieS • miSamore maDiSon avenue

1 /2 7 acTion iTeM

BeFore you eXit • hello hiGhWay maX SCheiDer • heaDlineS Fate unDer Fire • ParaDiSe FearS

2/1 silversTein

like MoThs To flaMes SeCretS • GlaSS ClouD • iSSueS

2/5 nonPoinT

CanDeliGht reD • DeDvolt Fair StruGGle

2 /6 The wailers

feat. RogeR SteffanS peRfoRming SURViVaL

(of JackS manneqUin & Something coRpoRate) The reel

We are the in CroWD • Go raDio

420 DarKSiDe Boyz • Brutha Smith quette DaDDie & oPtimitiq

2 /2 7 Pennywise

j BooG • hot rain

3 /2 4 enTer shikari arChiteCtS (uK) • hearteSt CroSSFaith • maiD oF the miSt

neW KinGSton • Street urChinz BroDi niCholaS

laGWaGon • StiCK to your GunS

2/14 GyPTian

2 /2 8 TesTaMenT

3 /2 7 MinDless self inDulGenCe

2/15 BaBy BaSh

ace of sPaDes PresenTs aT BoarDWalK 9426 gReenback Lane

2 /2 8

3 /3 0 GeorGe clinTon

valu Fa • niCe uP

reiGn • Playah K & Cmt riCharD the roCKStar • no mutiny Cliq Suave DeBonaire • r Dot Carter marK SniPeS • CBK • luCKy leFty

2/16 for ToDay

memPhiS may Fire • the WorD alive uPon a BurninG BoDy • GiDeon

inCreDiBle me

seconDhanD serenaDe tyler riCh • SelF ProClaimeD merCeDeS avenue

3/1 meShuGGah

animalS aS leaDerS • intronaut

2/17 SoulFly

inCite • loDy KonG DamaGe over time • ChernoBoG

2/7 2/19 hot Water muSiC The MowGli’s la DiSPute • the menzinGerS

2 /2 1 wallPaPer Con Chill Bro • DiamonD Dez

2 /2 2 Molly haTcheT reliC 45 • maXXX

overKill • 4arm • Solanum

3 /3 10 years

younG GunS • loSt element Track fiGhTer

3/5 reverenD horTon heaT Guttermouth • matt W. GaGe

3 /6 BlaCK veil BriDeS

williaM conTrol • overwaTch

& Parliament FunKaDeliC

3 /3 1

SevenDuSt CoallaCuna ChamBer Coil

4 /2 Techn9ne

Brotha lynCh hunG • Krizz KaliKo Kutt Calhoun • CeS Cru • rittz ameriCaz mozt haunteD

4 /6 Soul aSylum 4/13 The eXPenDaBleS tomorroWS BaD SeeDS

4 /2 2 queenSryChe 4 /2 4 aleX Clare

1417 R STREET • SACRAMENTO ACEOFSPADESSAC.COM

All Shows All Ages 24

Issue 128 • January 21 – February 4, 2013

Tickets Available @ Dimple Records, The Beat, Armadillo (Davis) Online: AceOfSpadesSac.com By Phone: 1.877.GND.CTRL OR 916.443.9202 Dive Into Sacramento & Its Surrounding Areas

YOUR AD HERE

The grindhouse If It Ain’t Broke...

Broken City Rated R Every so often a movie comes along that really changes the way you look at the world. Broken City isn’t one of those movies. But what kind of movie is it?

Well, it’s a movie in so far that it’s shown on screens at a cinema. It’s not lacking on star power either with Mark Wahlberg in the lead role (as cop-turned-private eye Billy Taggert) and Russell Crowe as the vilanous mayor of New York, Nick Hostetler. Catherine Zeta-Jones even chips in as the mayor’s shrewd but forthright wife Cathleen, but no amount of name actors could save this drab “thriller.”

Taggert was a cop who murdered a kid but sidestepped an indictment thanks to a lenient judge and interested parties in high places (namely Mayor Hostetler). Though he doesn’t get sent to prison, like many in the public believe he should, Billy does lose his job and is forced to take his heavy-handed approach to casework into the private sector.

Things are going good for Billy, though. He hasn’t killed anyone else—we can assume—and he’s given up drugs and drinking. He’s even got himself a pretty actor girlfriend (played by Natalie Martinez) and a cute and sassy assistant Katy Bradshaw (Alona Tal), who takes no guff from her gruff boss but would do just about anything for him. Sure, he has to tail unfaithful spouses all day and occasionally rough someone up, but other than that, life is good.

Billy gets lured back to the dark side when Mayor Hostetler requires his services.

Hostetler believes that his wife Cathleen is being unfaithful. He pays Billy a exorbitant amount of money to find out who she’s fooling around with.

Turns out Cathleen’s been sneaking around with the campaign manager for Hostetler’s opponent in the upcoming election (Paul Andrews, played

by Friday Night Lights’ Kyle Chandler).

But perhaps things aren’t as they seem? No matter. Billy ignores his natural police instincts and rats out Cathleen anyway, and then the shit really hits the fan. Paul is executed, and Billy hits the bottle, loses his girlfriend (though Katy remains by his side) and digs his hands deep into a controversy that really doesn’t make all

SubmergeMag.com

Words James Barone that much sense.

Broken City has some good elements, and Tal is really charming in her role, even though we’re never quite sure why Katy has such a strong connection to the brooding Billy. Political intrigue and sexual infidelity make interesting bedfellows—in real life and on film—but director Allen Hughes and screenwriter Brian Tucker seem very intent on trying to reinvent the wheel.

There are a few Aronofsky-esque sequences of delirium that feel really out of place, and plot twists that require a whole lot of setup but deliver very little pay off. The dialogue is also dreadful, with pithy lines such as when Billy ribs Katy about her junky car’s interior.

“Where did you get your seat covers?” he asks. “The Gaza Strip?”

Unfortunately that’s kind of the highlight of the movie. Wahlberg looks like he’s going through the motions while Crowe is passable, I guess, as the film’s heel. I’m just not really sure why he’s supposed to be bad. I mean, I get that he’s trying to carve up the city among his wealthy cronies, but that shit happens all the time without anyone getting murdered—let alone such a public figure as the campaign manager of a New York mayoral candidate. All this fuss is to coverup the sale of some buildings or whatever. It’s difficult to truly like our hero also.

Billy Taggert is kind of a jerk. He’s got a short fuse, and, you know, he did shoot an unarmed kid. We find out that the unarmed kid got what he deserved, more or less, but we expect more from our heroes. At least, we should.

To answer the question I posed earlier, Broken City is the kind of movie you see once and instantly forget about. You’ve got a villain who’s sort of evil and a good guy who’s vaguely good, and a whole lot of other characters that don’t get enough screen time, nor are they really all that interesting enough to care about. Yeah, you might want to skip Broken City, unless of course you like napping in public. Hey, I don’t judge.

Call Us

(916) 441-3803

or email Us

info@submergemag.com

Today!

A truly Artful shAve At Anthony’s BArBershop

2408 21st st • Sac • sacramentobarbershop.com (916) 457-1120 • Tues-Fri 9am-6pm • saT 10am-4pm

Heist events friday, feb 22 friday, mar 1 thUrsday, mar 28 wednesday, apr 24

all tickets available @ heistevents.ticketleap.com heistmag.com

Unknown relatives, them hills, the 77 clUb

bows & arrows / 8pm / $5 advance / $8 door / all ages

white arrows, tbd

lUigi's fUngarden / 8pm / $5 advance / $8 door / all ages

natUral child (bUrger records), cool ghoUls (empty cellar ), the golden ghosts

bows & arrows / 8pm / $6 advance / $8 door / all ages

angel olsen, olla

bows & arrows / 8pm / $7 advance / $10 door / all ages

Issue 128 • January 21 – February 4, 2013

25

\

DeaD winTer carpenTers THe broTHers comaTose

Harlow’s • 2708 J st.

• saCto •

21 & over • 9:00pm

nicki bluhm & THe Gramblers The easy leaves

Harlow’s • 2708 J st.

• saCto •

21 & over • 8:00pm

akron/family blue lamp • 1400 alHambra blvd. • saCto • 21 & over • 9:00pm marco benevenTo Trio feaT. Dave DrewiTz (bass, ween) anD anDy borGer (Drums, Tom waiTs)

Harlow’s • 2708 J st.

• saCto •

alo

21 & over • 8:00pm

california Honey Drops

Harlow’s • 2708 J st.

• saCto •

21 & over • 9:00pm

THe Growlers Harlow’s • 2708 J st. • saCto • 21 & over • 8:00pm canceled

nomeansno @ Harlow’s refunds at plaCe of purCHase.

THe swinGin’ uTTers THe impalers

blue lamp • 1400 alHambra blvd. • saCto • 21 & over • 9:00pm

galacTic

feaTurinG corey Glover (of livinG colour)

Harlow’s • 2708 J st.

• saCto •

21 & over • 8:00pm

ceremony Harlow’s • 2708 J st. • saCto • all ages • 6:00pm THe neiGHbourHooD Harlow’s • 2708 J st. • saCto • 21 & over • 10:00pm Thao and The GeT Down sTay Down blue lamp • 1400 alHambra blvd. • saCto • 21 & over • 9:00pm blackalicious Harlow’s • 2708 J st. • saCto • 21 & over • 9:00pm G. love & special sauce Harlow’s • 2708 J st. • saCto • 21 & over • 8:00pm THe monopHonics (feaT. 6 members of THe nibblers) presenTs

Joy & madness

Harlow’s • 2708 J st.

• saCto •

21 & over • 8:00pm

THe aGGroliTes Harlow’s • 2708 J st. • saCto • 21 & over • 8:00pm murs prof • fasHawn

Harlow’s • 2708 J st.

• saCto •

21 & over • 10:00pm

Telekinesis blue lamp • 1400 alHambra blvd. • saCto • 21 & over • 9:00pm maTT cosTa Harlow’s • 2708 J st. • saCto • 21 & over • 8:00pm caveman (faT possum) blue lamp • 1400 alHambra blvd. • saCto • 21 & over • 9:00pm

abstract entertainment www.absTracTsacramenTo.com 26

friday

jan 25 thursday

jan 31

the shallow end

friday

fEb 1

Love in the Twilight Zone

tuEsday

fEb 5

James Barone jb@submergemag.com

saturday

fEb 16 sunday

fEb 17 tuEsday

fEb 19

saturday

fEb 23 tuEsday

fEb 26 thursday

fEb 28 thursday

fEb 28 friday

mar 1 saturday

mar 2 sunday

mar 3 friday

mar 8 wEdnEsday

mar 20 thursday

mar 21 friday

mar 22 sunday

mar 24 sunday

mar 24

TickeTs available aT: TickeTfly.com and The beaT (17Th & J sT.), • TickeTs for Harlow’s sHows also available aT Harlows.com

Issue 128 • January 21 – February 4, 2013

As my esteemed colleague Bocephus Chigger mentions in his column earlier in this issue, online dating can be a motherfucker. I’ve had my own pitfalls with trying to date digitally, but those are perhaps for another column.

Right now, I’m still trying to repress those experiences into the deepest, darkest recesses of my subconscious. So far, it’s working.

Sure, doctored photos, misleading profiles and other such trappings are frustrating. At least they won’t cause a media shitstorm of the level that Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o is now experiencing.

As if getting his ass handed to him in the BCS National Championship Game wasn’t enough, Te’o has now fallen into the black hole of public scrutiny because he had a "relationship" with a woman online—at least that’s what he thought.

Te’o met Lennay Kekua online, and she became the love of his life. It’s not so strange any more. People are so open about their lives on the Internet, it may be easier to get to know someone digitally than through traditional analog means—like meeting them in person.

Te’o never actually met Kekua; he Skyped with her, but the other end of the video chat was just a black box, according to the collegiate football star. Embarrassed that he had a girlfriend that he’d never truly seen, he lied to his father about having done so, saying that he’d met Kekua after Notre Dame’s 2009 game against Stanford when in actuality, the two had met on Twitter, according to Deadspin.com’s exposé.

Then in September 2012, Te’o received a phone call that Kekua had died of leukemia.

At Kekua’s behest, Te’o did not attend her funeral. Around the same time, the Notre Dame star also lost his grandmother, and the most inspirational college sports story of the year was born. Notre Dame rose through the ranks led by their star linebacker, who finished second in the voting for the Heisman Trophy.

The upstart Fighting Irish ended up ranked No. 1 in the BCS standings before Alabama kicked the ever-loving shit out of them in the title game.

Te’o’s story turned out to be bullshit, though. Kekua never existed. She was a creation of Ronaiah Tuiasosopo, also a college football player. He tricked Te’o into believing

Kekua was real. Te’o insists that he had no hand at all in the hoax, maintaining that he was a victim, and I’m inclined to believe him. Maybe I’m gullible (I am), but I’m not sure why the kid would want to hash out this crazy scheme.

It’s not like he was starving for attention. Te’o racked up 100-plus tackles in three straight seasons for one of the most recognized and prestigious college football programs in the country, though it’s been years since they’ve taken the national title. There’s no more iconic of an institution in the sport, and he was a shoe-in to be a first-round selection in this year’s NFL draft.

He’s certainly guilty of lying, though, and the depth of lying is what interests me here.

This story about meeting Kekua while playing a game in Stanford; the nights he’d spent talking to her over the phone while she was in the hospital after a severe car accident (which is how her leukemia was discovered), falling asleep while they were both still on the line and waking up to the sound of her breath; it’s beautiful shit, dude. I just teared up a little, and I already know it’s a fucking lie. I’d rather believe it than have to live in a college athletics world full of Jerry Sanduskys and Joe Paternos.

The best thing about this, other than it’s the most bizarre story ever (if you haven’t read the article of Deadspin.com, you should… you can’t make this shit up) is that it started with a tiny lie, just to save face perhaps, and snowballed completely out of control. It’s like one of those fables you’re told in kindergarten that are supposed to teach you how not to be a complete asshole. Te’o probably should have been listening closer back then instead of eating the paste or whatever, but hey, who could blame him for lying about this whole thing? I’d imagine as an athlete—particularly one with such prodigious skills on the field— he’d have a lot of pride. Guys like that are supposed to have women (real ones) throwing themselves at them. How would it look if the star linebacker was in love with his imaginary friend? In two years, when he’s blowing up running plays in the backfield for an NFL team, we’ll hardly even remember this. I mean, Ben Roethlesberger’s molested God knows how many women, and he’ll probably be in the Hall of Fame. Te’o’s a saint by comparison.

Dive Into Sacramento & Its Surrounding Areas

We Will Beat Any competitor’s price by $5 *must present competitors ad. restrictions apply.

Sacramento

420 Doc 2 convenient locations to serve you

20

winter compassion special Medical Marijuana Cards

$

Voted 2 nd bes physic t in sacian !

Starting aS low aS

of clude letter in t o n es o d s. *Price all for detail c . n io at d en recomm

Visit our website to book your appointment online 24/7

Sac420Doc.com

916.480.9000

2 1 0 0 Wa t t av e U n i t 1 9 0 • S a c r a m e n t o , c a 9 5 8 2 5 located in the back of building

M o n - S a t 11 - 7 p M • S u n 1 2 - 5 p M

2633 telegraph ave, #109 | oaKlanD, ca 94612 (510) 832-5000 | Mon-Sat 10aM-5pM

recommendations are valid for 1 Year • Walk-ins Welcome all day everyday

yoUr information iS 100% private anD confiDential SubmergeMag.com

Issue 128 • January 21 – February 4, 2013

27

Dive into Sacramento & its Surrounding Areas

January 21 – FEbruary 4, 2013

#128

Hot Water Music Out with the Old...

Emilie Autumn Welcome to

the Carnival

Super Bowl Sunday 3 Simple Dishes A Game Winning Strategy

+

sacramento roller derby Local Ladies Bring the Pain.

Are You Woman Enough to Keep Up?

A Lot Like Birds Hops Across the Pond • THE ART OF BEER CELEBRATES CALIFORNIA CRAFT BREWS, FOOD AND ART

free