AAJ Wedding Issue 2018 by AAJ Magazine

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CANADAâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S SOUTH ASIAN & MULTICULTURAL LIFESTYLE MAGAZINE

AAJ WEDDING CHECKLIST

LOVE IS FOR EVERYONE

CULTURAL WEDDINGS AROUND THE WORLD

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FROM THE PUBLISHER The institution of Marriage is more sacred then any other. It is the foundation on which civilization is built. Destroy it at your own peril, for society as you know will cease to be one. What is sacred about Marriage? First and foremost it’s God’s creation through it, that the creation of life is possible on earth. Marriage in fact is a relationship between two people, children and God. The romance of marriage is what brings two beings together committed to the oneness of their soul. They join in matrimony to confirm to themselves, family and friends and God that they belong to each other for the rest of their life. It’s not about independence to pursue ones own reality of truth without the other. We are who we decide to be and in that we must find agreements that are productive in reaching higher levels awareness of each other growing together not apart. We hope you enjoy our Magazine and the beauty it portrays.

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AAJ Magazine is published by AAJ Media Group, doing business as AAJ Magazine Inc. AAJ is a magazine that is published every two months. Any reproduction of the magazine, editorial content, images or advertisements cannot be reproduced or reprinted in any form, without written permission of the Publishers. The views expressed by the writers in this publication are not the views of the Publishers or AAJ Media Group. The Publishers assume no responsibility for errors or omissions. Copyright 2018 AAJ Magazine Incorporated. All rights reserved.

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IN THIS ISSUE

LOVING YOURSELF

Wedding Traditions Around the World

7 Tips to Give a Great Wedding Speech or Toast

A True Love Story

DESTINATION WEDDINGS

Taking Advantage of the Booming Wedding Industry

Dating Yourself & Falling in Love

Things to Keep in Mind for Destination Weddings

Diamond 101

Love Marriage - Like a Horse & Carriage

Marriages - Caste No Longer a Major Bar, at Least in Canada

AAJâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s South Asian Wedding Checklist

Where to Propose in Canada

You Glow Girl

Love is For Everyone

Indian Inspired Weddings in Canada

Alisha`s Mehndi

38 8

WEDDING TRADITIONS AROUND THE WORLD

DIAMOND 101

A TRUE LOVE STORY

58 AAJ WEDDING CHECKLIST

WEDDING

WEDDING TRADITIONS AROUND THE WORLD 10

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ith Canada being the tremendous melting pot that it is, we thought it would be fitting to go over some of the the different types of weddings that you may be invited to attend.

Sikh Weddings While the actual religious wedding ceremony (anand karaj) only takes about an hour to complete, with the pre and post wedding events taken into account, you can expect to be busy for almost a full week with Sikh weddings. The festivities usually kick off with a roka ceremony, which involves the girl’s family visiting the boy’s family with sagan (money and sweets); followed by the boy’s family visiting the girl’s family for a thaka ceremony. At this point, the couple is given sagan together. Many Sikhs living abroad have modified these ceremonies by hosting them jointly at banquet halls, rather than going from one home to the other. Traditionally, these events were low-key and only involved immediate family members. Now, they usually include extended family and friends. The roka and thaka ceremonies are essentially a declaration that the boy and girl are informally engaged, and “to-be-wed” and therefore can openly court. The next event is the chunni ceremony; also known as the official engagement ceremony. This ceremony usually takes place at the girl’s home or an alternate venue arranged by the girl’s family. The boy’s family brings gifts: fruits, Indian sweets, and a complete outfit for the bride-to-be. It should be noted that some families bring many more gifts, but it is not expected or necessary to do so. The bride-to-be is traditionally dressed in red for this ceremony. The couple is seated together, and the chunni charauna takes place: the boy’s mother places a red scarf on the girl’s head and adorns her with other gifts they have brought.

This traditionally involves gold jewelry, bangles, a red accessory for her hair, and mehndi for her hands. The boy’s parents feed the girl a whole dry date. Some families have the boy put sindoor (vermilion) on the girl; which can only be done by a man to his marital partner and signifies that the woman is married or “to-be-married.” After this, the boy and girl exchange rings. The parents give sagan by feeding them both ladoo (an Indian sweet), followed by the rest of the attendees. Pictures are taken, often followed by dinner and dancing. This ceremony signifies that the boy’s family has

accepted the girl to be their prospective daughter-in-law. The next event is the kurmai ceremony, and is similar to the chunni ceremony such that it signifies acceptance; in this case, the boy is accepted by the girl’s family as their prospective son-in-law. This ceremony is increasingly being done on the same day as the chunni charauna and involves the following. The girl’s family brings sweets and fruits as gifts. The boy’s sisters put a long scarf around his shoulders and he holds it open in his lap. The girl’s father fills it with handfuls of dry fruit and presents the boy with a kara (a Sikh bangle, usually made of gold). The girls parents then feed ladoo to the boy and give him money; the same is done by the rest of the attendees.

The Ladies Sangeet is a dwindling tradition outside India, but we thought we should mention it anyways. The focus of this event is on the women and children and involves a lot of singing and dancing. The women engage in boliyaan (traditional folk songs); also known as kori’s (for the groom’s side) and suhaag (for the bride’s side). It should be noted that the lyrics of these songs are mischevious and often take sly digs at close members of the families. The songs are accompanied by dancing, and often pave the transition into bhangra. The next event is the mehndi. It involves an intricate application of henna on the hands and feet of the bride-to-be, and can take hours to complete. Other female family members and friends receive simpler designs. The henna symbolizes a number of things. It is thought that the longer it is kept on, the stronger the love between the bride and her husband. It is also thought that the darker the design turns out, the more the mother-in-law will like her daughter-in-law. The mehndi event is followed by the maiya. This event takes place at the boy and girl’s respective homes. First and foremost, a design is made out of coloured powder (known as rangoli), flour and rice by female members of the immediate family. A stool is placed next to the design in an eastward direction, and the bride or groom are brought out to where the design has been made, carrying a tray. The tray has vatna (a mixture of turmeric powder, flour and mustard oil that is kneaded together), a fatti (a rectangular piece of wood), gaaney (an auspicious red thread), and a dupatta (scarf ). The individual is sat down on the stool, with the piece of wood placed under his or her feet. The scarf is held over him or her from each corner by 4 people. The individual’s mother, or any other elder from the family, wipes mustard oil on his or her head/hair. Family and friends then start to rub vatna on the skin, concen-

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trating on the face, arms, hands and feet. The vatna is used kind of like an exfoliant or natural skin cream, to help the bride and groom look their best on their wedding day. The oil that is applied to their head or hair is used like a conditioner. Ladies traditionally sing folk songs during this ceremony, and the gaaney are tied to the wrists of guests. The bride or groom are led away with the tray in their hands and the dupatta on their head once the vatna is done with. Interested single people are encouraged to eat a rice and

sugar mixture, which is considered a way to bless them to get married soon. The bride or groom’s mother then steps over the rangoli design seven times, and then uses water to collect the mixture in the form of a paste. She throws it over the house or on a rooftop for birds to eat, and then leaves three handprints on the house. The handprints are a symbol that the home is a “wedding house.” Once the maiya ceremony is complete, the boy and girl are refrained from leaving their house; the main reason being to ensure their safety and security before their big day. The main intent of the maiya cere-

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mony is to beautify the bride and groom! The next event is the jaago ceremony, and its origin is quite interesting! Back when there were limited resources, people didn’t send out invitations. Instead, they walked around the village the night before the wedding with pots adorned with candles on their head, singing and dancing; and openly inviting people to attend the wedding and join in on the festivities. The word itself means “wake up.” Now, jaago nights are another excuse to party . . . and make a lot of noise. It is a great way to amp up the atmosphere and pump up the guests. After the jaago comes the preparation for the anand karaj (which translates into “blissful union”). The bride simply has her hair and makeup done, and changes into her wedding outfit. Once the groom is dressed, he is given a kirpan (sword), that he will carry for the rest of the ceremony. The sword symbolizes that he will protect his wife throughout their marriage, and is a tradition that stems from a practical need during the Mogul rule in India. During this time, brides were often kidnapped, and grooms began to carry a sword to protect their bride and their honour. The groom is also assigned a sarwaala (similar to a best man but traditionally much younger than the groom) who will accompany and assist him throughout the day. Before leaving the home, the groom’s sister or sister-inlaw puts surma (kohl) in his eyes, a custom that is considered to deter the evil eye. Finally, the sisters tie a sehra (headdress that is made up of small beaded garlands) across the groom’s turban to cover his face. This is another way to ward off the evil eye, as well as to maintain anticipation for the wedding guests to see the groom. Some families now opt to use a kalgi (a majestic jewelled turban pin) instead of a sehra. The groom is now

Hindu Weddings Traditionally, before a Hindu wedding takes place, a muharta (auspicious time) is carefully fixed for the event. Astrologers are given the date of birth of the bride and groom and assess the position of the planets and stars to establish a wedding date. Like a Sikh wedding, there is a sangeet and mehndi party prior to the wedding ceremony. This comes at no surprise, as most Sikhs were first Hindu, and both religious groups originate from India.

ready to leave his home. Upon arrival at the gurdwara (Sikh temple), the next tradition is the milni. The milni is essentially a formal introduction: the men of the boy’s family are introduced to their counterparts in the girl’s family. Each person respectfully puts a garland over the other, and they hug and pose for pictures. After breakfast and tea, guests enter the main room of the temple, pay their respects to the Guru Granth Sahib (holy book), and take a seat. The groom enters as the priests are reading shabd (hymns), pays his respects and sits in front of the Guru Granth Sahib. The groom’s sister removes his sehra or kalgi. The bride comes in, escorted by her brothers, who are considered protectors in Indian culture. She pays her respects and sits down next to her fiance. The bride’s father is prompted to do the palla rasam, which symbolizes a father giving his daughter away. This custom involves taking an end of the scarf the groom is wearing and handing it to the bride, or tying it to her wrist. The bride’s brothers stand around the altar in preparation for the laavan (marriage hymns). These hymns encompass teachings and vows for the couple to undertake to seal their marriage union. As each laav is recited,

the groom will walk around the altar, with the bride walking closely behind him holding his scarf. The bride is escorted around the altar by her brothers. The first laav focuses on duty to the family and the community. The second laav focuses on the love between the couple. The third laav discusses detachment from the world. The fourth laav emphasizes harmony and union in marriage, and the blending between marital love and the love for God. After this last laav, a hymn is sung to mark the marital union, followed by a final prayer. The couple is then usually fed sweets, and given more sagan (money). This concludes the Sikh marriage; the joyous occasion is usually celebrated with a formal and extravagant reception.

The wedding ceremony is where there are significant differences. A Hindu couple weds under a mandap. This is an elevated platform, decorated with flowers, fabric, greenery or crystals. In the centre of the altar, a fire is burned. The fire symbolizes a “witness” to the viability of the marriage, and offerings are made to it. According to BBC UK, the main stages of the Hindu wedding are: Jayamaala: Firstly, the bride’s parents welcome the bridegroom and his family at the boundary of the house where the wedding is taking place. A red kum-kum (kind of powder) mark is applied to their forehead. Members from both families are formally introduced, marking the start of relationship between two families. The bride and the bridegroom then exchange garlands (jayamaala) and declare: “Let all the learned persons present here know, we are accepting each other willingly, voluntarily and pleasantly. Our hearts are concordant and united like waters.” Madhu-Parka: The bridegroom is brought to a specially decorated altar called ‘mandap’ and offered a seat and a welcoming drink - a mixture of milk, ghee, yoghurt, honey and sugar. Gau Daan and Kanya Pratigrahan: ‘Gau’ means cow and ‘Daan’ means donation. Nowadays, the symbolic exchange of

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gifts, particularly clothes and ornaments takes place. The groom’s mother gives an auspicious necklace (mangala sootra) to the bride. Mangla sootra is the emblem of marital status for a Hindu woman. ‘Kanya’ means the daughter and ‘Pratigrahan’ is an exchange with responsiveness on both sides. The bride’s father declares that their daughter has accepted the bridegroom and requests them to accept her. Vivaha-homa: A sacred fire is lit and the Purohit (Priest) recites the sacred man-

is climbing over a stone/rock by the bride which symbolises her willingness and strength to overcome difficulties in pursuit of her duties. Both gently walk around the sacred fire four times. The bride leads three times and the fourth time the groom leads. He is reminded of his responsibilities. The couple join their hands into which the bride’s brothers pour some barley, which is offered to the fire, symbolising that they all will jointly work for the welfare of the society. The husband marks the parting in his wife’s hair with red kumkum powder for the first time. This is called ‘sindoor’ and is a distinctive mark of a married Hindu woman. Sapta-Padi: This is the main and the legal part of the ceremony. The couple walk seven steps reciting a prayer at each step. These are the seven vows which are exchanged. The first for food, the second for strength, the third for prosperity, the fourth for wisdom, the fifth for progeny, the sixth for health and the seventh for friendship. In some regions, in stead of walking the seven steps, the bride touches seven stones or nuts with her right toe. A symbolic matrimonial knot is tied after this ceremony. A symbolic matrimonial knot is tied after this ceremony.

tras in Sanskrit. Oblations are offered to the fire whilst saying the prayers. The words “Id na mama” meaning “it is not for me” are repeated after the offerings. This teaches the virtue of selflessness required to run a family. Paanigrahan: A sacred fire is lit and Purohit (Priest) recites the sacred mantras in Sanskrit. This is the ceremony of vows. The husband, holding his wife’s hand, says “I hold your hand in the spirit of Dharma, we are both husband and wife.” Shilarohan and Laaja Homa: Shilarohan

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Surya Darshan and Dhruva Darshan: The couple look at the Sun in order to be blessed with creative life. They look in the direction of the Dhruva (Polar star) and resolve to remain unshaken and steadfast like the Polar star. Ashirvada (Blessings): The couple are blessed by the elders and the priest for a long and prosperous married life. This concludes the Hindu wedding ceremony.

Islamic Weddings Islam is the second most followed religion in India. According to The Knot, the following customs and traditions make up Islamic wedding ceremonies: Marriage in Islam is viewed as a religious obligation, a contract between the couple and Allah. The only requirement for Muslim weddings is the signing of a marriage contract. Marriage traditions differ depending on culture, Islamic sect, and observance of gender separation rules. Most marriages are not held in mosques, and men and women remain separate during the ceremony and reception. Since Islam sanctions no official clergy, any Muslim who understands Islamic tradition can officiate a wedding. If you are having your wedding in a mosque, many have marriage officers, called qazi or

madhun, who can oversee the marriage. Meher: The marriage contract includes a meher—a formal statement specifying the monetary amount the groom will give the bride. There are two parts to the meher: a prompt due before the marriage is consummated and a deferred amount given to the bride throughout her life. Today, many couples use the ring as the prompt because the groom presents it during the ceremony. The deferred amount can be a small sum—a formality—or an actual gift of money, land, jewelry, or even an education. The gift belongs to the bride to use as she pleases, unless the marriage breaks up before consummation. The meher is considered the bride’s security and guarantee of freedom within the marriage. Nikah: The marriage contract is signed in a nikah ceremony, in which the groom or his representative proposes to the

bride in front of at least two witnesses, stating the details of the meher. The bride and groom demonstrate their free will by repeating the word qabul (“I accept,” in Arabic) three times. Then the couple and two male witnesses sign the contract, making the marriage legal according to civil and religious law. Following traditional Islamic customs, the bride and groom may share a piece of sweet fruit, such as a date. If men and women are separated for the ceremony, a male representative called a wali acts in the bride’s behalf during the nikah. Vows and Blessings: The officiant may add an additional religious ceremony following the nikah, which usually includes a recitation of the Fatihah—the first chapter of the Quran—and durud (blessings). Most Muslim couples do not recite vows; rather, they listen as their officiant speaks about the meaning of

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fore 2007, they could not be married in another parish unless they had attended church services there for six months and were on its electoral roll. In July 2007, however, the Church of England initiated a change in the law to make it easier for couples to have a church wedding in a parish other than their own. The changes make it easier for a couple to marry in a church where there is a family or other special connection.

marriage and their responsibilities to each other and to Allah. However, some Muslim brides and grooms do say vows, such as this common recitation: Bride: “I, (bride’s name) offer you myself in marriage in accordance with the instructions of the Holy Quran and the Holy Prophet, peace and blessing be upon him. I pledge, in honesty and with sincerity, to be for you an obedient and faithful wife.” Groom: “I pledge, in honesty and sincerity, to be for you a faithful and helpful husband.”

Christian Weddings According to BBC UK, Christians believe that marriage is a gift from God, one that should not be taken for granted. It is the right atmosphere to engage in sexual relations and to build a family life. Getting married in a church, in front of God, is very important. A marriage is a public declaration of love and commitment. This declaration is made in front of friends and family in a church ceremony. Marriage vows, in the form “To have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part”, have been recited at UK church weddings since 1552. However, before the wedding service was written into the Book of Common Prayer, marriages were much more informal: couples could simply promise themselves to one another at any time or place and the spoken word was as good as the written contract. A couple may marry in their local Church of England parish church if either the man or woman lives in the parish. Be-

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The following are qualifying connections: one of the couple was baptised or confirmed in the parish; one of the couple has (at any time) lived there for a period of six months or more; one of the couple attended services there for six months or more; a parent of one of the couple lived or attended services there for six months or more; a parent or grandparent of one of the couple was married there. The meeting of the General Synod on Saturday 7 July 2007 unanimously approved the draft measure. Because the Church of England is the official state church, the measure had to be approved by the Parliamentary Ecclesiastical Committee before going through both Houses of Parliament and receiving Royal Assent.

Before the ceremony, there are several things the couple must do. Firstly, they must arrange to have their banns (a public announcement of a forthcoming marriage) read out on three Sundays during the three months before the wedding. They must be read out in the parishes of both people. If the banns cannot be read out for any reason, a special licence can be issued by the bishop of the diocese. Secondly, the couple must speak to the priest about hymns and prayers they may want on the day. Many couples want to include extra touches, such as flower arrangements or musicians. Some churches offer marriage preparation, where the priest will discuss subjects such as money, conflict, communication and sex. This throws up possible problems which the couple may come across during their marriage, and helps

suggest ideas for handling them. The Church of England wedding ceremony has a fairly uniform order: at the beginning of the service the priest welcomes the congregation and then reads out what Christians believe in marriage; the couple make their promises in front of God that they will love, comfort, honour and protect their partner as long as they both shall live; the couple then makes their vows to one another. The traditional vow is “to have and to hold from this day forward; for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.” Upon exchanging rings, the couple recites: “with my body I honour you, all that I am I give to you, and all that I have I share with you, within the love of God, Father, Son and Holy Spirit.” The priest then announces to the

couple that they are now husband and wife. Prayers are said for the couple, and there are some readings from the bible, followed by a sermon by the minister. Finally, the bride and groom, along with two witnesses, sign the register, which is a legal requirement. They receive a legally binding marriage certificate. Sources: http://www.bbc.co.uk/religion/religions/hinduism/ritesrituals/weddings. shtml http://www.differencebetween.net/ miscellaneous/difference-between-islam-and-muslim/ http://www.bbc.co.uk/religion/religions/christianity/ritesrituals/weddings_1.shtml

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WEDDING

7 TIPS TO GIVE A GREAT WEDDING SPEECH OR TOAST 20

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ne of the most important days of my life was the day I got married. We just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. Where does the time go! This might surprise you, but in a past life I was a wedding planner for a very prestigious Vancouver wedding venue (I will keep you guessing which one it is) and had some amazing experiences along the way. So today I thought I would share some tips to help you make the most of your next wedding speech or toast. Whether it is your wedding or your best friend’s wedding or your daughter’s wedding, these tips will help you speak at this most important of occasions.

Decide who is going to speak Who speaks at the wedding will depend on your particular circumstances, family structure and cultural traditions, but speaking generally, it is usually both sets of parents, the bride and the groom plus the best man and maid or matron of honour. Decide well in advance who is going to speak and if they are giving a speech or a toast. You also need to appoint an Emcee.

Give each person a time allotment Each person who is going to speak needs to have specific time duration; for example, a toast might be 30 seconds and a speech 3-4 minutes. Some people can just go on and on (trust me on this one!) and it will throw everything off schedule if they do. Give the timings to the Emcee as well, so they can gently keep things moving along.

Write down what you are going to say

In my experience, too many long speeches back to back can be boring and feel overwhelming for your guests. Do not wing it for such an important speech. Write it down and plan what you are going to say. I want you to “internalize” the speech, not memorize it or read it from your notes. If you are not sure what to say, do not hesitate to see a speechwriter such as myself or get help from friends and family.

Maintain good eye contact Eye contact is so important if you want people to feel the emotions of a speech, after all they do say that “the eyes are the windows to the soul.” So remember to maintain friendly eye contact and look at your audience. If you’re reading from notes you won’t be able to do that.

Practice, practice, practice You’ll see this tip in almost every article I write because it is that important. Practice your speech or toast out loud as many times as possible until the delivery becomes natural and second nature to you. This will also help decrease any speaking anxiety you might have.

impairs your ability to speak. You will be more likely to slur your words, repeat yourself, lose your place and forget what you’re going to say. Alcohol may also make you feel warm and flushed which will also increase anxiety. Stick to water and diluted juice before you speak.

Keep it positive and uplifting Please do not tell any off colour, inappropriate or internet jokes! Also do not dredge up things from the couple’s childhood to embarrass them. Do share relevant stories that are romantic and uplifting. Having said all this, even though your wedding is one of the most important days (or weeks) in your life, the rest of your life together is even more important. If there was one final tip I could give you it would be to communicate with kindness even when things get tough, especially when things get tough. I love this quote by relationship guru and #1 New York Times bestselling author Barbara De Angelis “Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb. It isn’t something you get. It’s something you do. It’s the way you love your partner every day.” Cheers to a wonderful life together!

Narges Nirumvala

Do NOT drink before you speak This is often the most controversial advice that I give my clients. It is my recommendation that you do NOT drink alcohol before you speak; if you must drink, do it after. Why? First, alcohol dehydrates your vocal chords (so does caffeine by the way) and a dry throat will make you feel even more nervous. Plus, alcohol

Narges is a leading executive speech coach, speechwriter, an award winning entrepreneur, international keynote speaker, bestselling author and humanitarian.

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WEDDING

A TRUE LOVE STORY 24

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ur story beings at a junction of a thousand emotions. The fact that it is at an airport adds to the magic of the moment. You can feel it all – you encounter the happiness of reunions and sadness of goodbyes, the anxiety of nervous travellers and excitement of those going off on adventures. Every imaginable emotion is soaring around like an aircraft on an overpopulated flight route; and it is all happening in this very special place where feelings are trapped with no way out.

pick up line ever: “Hi, I’m Raj, do you want a coffee?” She said no, she doesn’t drink coffee. I immediately offered to get her a steep tea from Tim Horton’s instead, and she said okay.

Gurdwara followed by a reception at the Fraserview Hall. Like most Sikh weddings, we had large gatherings at all ceremonies. Everything went as planned and two families became one.

That “okay” was all that I needed to hear and that was the beginning of our relationship. Dating was very tricky and like most Indian love stories, there was the fear of her parents not accepting our decision, but we had to be honest with ourselves and let our families know about the relationship eventually. Initially,

We had our first chid on July 31, 2012 and it was a boy. We named him Yudhvir and after him we had a daughter on March 20th, 2015 and we named her Veera. We are very proud of our culture and our heritage and wanted to preserve it by giving our children traditional names.

It was at Vancouver International Airport where our eyes locked for the very first time and I met my life mate. It was the winter of 2007 and I had just returned to work after a trip to Punjab, as a chauffeur for the then airport limousine company, Limojet Gold. I laid my eyes on Amy as she stood at the ticket sales counter of the Airporter, a YVR to downtown shuttle service which was operated by Charter Bus Lines. I think I creeped her out a bit because I couldn’t stop looking at her. Every day I would go to work hoping to catch a glimpse of her and on the days our schedules didn’t meet, I would be saddened. Over the course of time I came to learn through a mutual friend that she thought I was cute, and that excited me a little because I too was attracted to her. Since I knew that she was interested in me, I had to make a move. I spent days trying to build up the courage just so I could go and talk to her, and eventually it happened. On the day that I did approach her, I worked a 14-hour shift just because I was so determined to talk to her and there was no way I was going home that day without speaking with her. So, towards the end of my shift, I said, screw it, I am going in for the attack. As I approached her counter I started to get nervous; and then came out of my mouth the corniest

Now that you’ve heard all the sugary stuff about our story, now hear about our trials and tribulations after and during marriage. The relationship was very smooth before the wedding, but it was after the marriage that we started to face the real challenges. Marriage is a partnership of many compromises. To be happy, you need to understand when to hold your cards and when to fold them.

there was a bit of friction, but eventually her parents came around to accept me. Over the course of the dating period we shared many things with each other. While we did have some similarities, we also had many attributes that were completely opposite, which is why we were attracted to each other so much – we balanced each other out. Like they say, opposites attract. We spent many hours on the phone talking to each other; nights would turn into mornings, but we wouldn’t run out of things to talk about. It was over time that I realised that she was the one and I wanted to marry this girl. Eventually, my dad picked up the phone and called her dad and it was the beginning of happily ever after. We got married on April 2nd, 2011 at the Brookside

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You truly learn about a person after you have lived with them. We barely got to date like a regular couple due to our culture, so living with each other was out of the question. When you date someone, you show them your best side mostly and barely the other side; but when you are living with each other and seeing one another daily, eventually little things about each other become annoying. And then there are the family issues because if you’re Punjabi, then you’re most likely living with your parents. So now, that factor comes in to play. You argue, get mad at each other and blame one another for minuscule things. Besides the above mentioned there are one’s personal issues that the partner must deal with. You must realize in order to have a successful marriage you have to learn to ignore the small things and focus on the bigger picture and be there for one another. You only fight with

the ones you love, so its natural to butt heads with your partner as long as you don’t go to bed being mad at each other. You shouldn’t have to sleep with your backs to each other, because that is not marriage and that is not love. Love overcomes all trials and tribulations and so has ours. We went thought our transition stage and being married for almost seven years you come to appreciate, understand and accept one another more and more. My words of advice to couples who are getting married are: learn to compromise, respect each other, appreciate one another and put your family first. There will always be ups and downs, but always support each other no matter what. Simple actions go a long way in building a healthy and everlasting marriage.

Raj Nagi Raj is a soul on an eternal journey, utlizing this vehicle called the human body, living on a ball that floats in space while circling a hot sphere called the sun. Where we come from and where we go, no one knows, there are only questions and no real answers.

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PERMINDER CHOHAN Managing Director

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TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THE BOOMING WEDDING INDUSTRY 30

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Young Mom Alisha Uses Her Creativity to Support Her Household and Demonstrate Independence

he South Asian Wedding industry has taken off across Canada in recent years, due to the influx of immigration from South Asian and associated countries, and first generation Canadians reaching “marital” age. AAJ Magazine had the chance to interview Alisha of Alisha’s Mendhi to find out how she’s taking advantage of this opportunity.

Please tell us a little bit about yourself in 2-3 sentences. My name is Alisha Faizal Patel. I was born in Fiji and now reside in beautiful British Columbia. I enjoy spending my free time with family and friends.

When did you first start using henna/mendhi? I started to use Henna/Mehndi at a very young age around 4 years old. I would beg my Daddi (grandma) to tear the leaf off the mehndi tree, blend it onto my palms and I would sit there patiently for hours to let the henna dry and leave a dark stain on my palm. Little did I know, the love of henna would continue on into adulthood. At the age of 15, I started to make my own mehndi cone and practice designs. The passion and love for henna was expressed onto my skin. The henna cone became my paint brush and my skin became the canvas.

What inspired you to start your own business using this art?

Being a young mom, I wanted to inspire my son and be an independent working mother. I have always been a creative person and practiced henna art on family and friends in my leisure time. My husband encouraged me to take my talent and make it into a business where I can become my own boss. I want to inspire my son to grow up to know that a woman is not solely responsible to take care of the home and can be a strong independent woman just like our Prophet Muhammad’s (peace be upon him) wife Khatijah (may God be pleased with her). Having strong female role models in my life, such as my own mother, aunties, and religious scholars, inspired me to use this god given talent towards something that would benefit others and, ultimately, me.

Advertising and promotion, just like any other new business in any industry is one of the greatest challenges. Even today, I have to be consistent with promoting this business on social media, distributing business cards, attending wedding shows and fundraisers, and word of mouth methods to inform the community of my business. If you want people to notice your work and your passion you need to show them what you offer. In the South Asian community in BC, the fashion and art industry is in high demand which comes with an influx of competition. The only way to stand out is to differentiate from the rest and that is why I stay away from the mainstream henna art and focus my work on my personal designs.

What motivates you to keep going? The art itself motivates me. My clients are another motivation, for sure. My clients have become my friends that I treat like family. Just like an artist who feels fulfilled after the image in their mind is conveyed onto canvas, after seeing the client’s reaction and appreciation of the art, it motivates my inner artistic side. I feel most motivated when I can take my personal design and place it on my client’s body with their full trust in my art work. Seeing the beam in my client’s eyes and their positive response is my true satisfaction.

“It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation!”

What kind of challenges did you have in running your business and how did you overcome them?

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After securing the client, my main challenge is gaining my client’s trust. I want them to feel comfortable with knowing that they hired me to express my passion on their special occasion. In a larger occasion such as a wedding, it is crucial that the bride feels most at ease, knowing that at least her mehndi is going to be a masterpiece.

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ful business. Ask questions, even if they may seem silly in your mind. Make it your own because it is your gift. Don’t try to re-invent the wheel but find your best use for it. You are in control of your future because you will meet a lot of nay-sayers. Use them as a stepping stone to your success. If a woman can give birth and walk again, then failing a few times before success is like a walk in the park. I am rooting for your success and would love to meet with you to share ideas!

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DATING YOURSELF AND FALLING IN LOVE 36

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hen I was young, I believed that life was as simple as finding the right person, falling in love, getting married, having a family and living a life happily ever after. You may roll your eyes, but I know I wasn’t the only one.

to be and do better. This is a good thing! But so many of us don’t allow ourselves to figure out who we really are or what we really want before jumping into a relationship. How can someone fall in love with you, if they don’t know who you are because you don’t know who you are?

This may have been true many years ago when the “end goal” was to marry and live happily ever after. But the times have changed. The new age has distorted our fairy-tale beliefs with more break-up and divorce rates than ever before. Everyone knows someone who has recently ended a long-term relationship or marriage, if not it being their own.

When my long term relationship ended, I questioned a lot of things about myself. “What is wrong with me?” I’d ask myself. When I dug a little deeper, the question became, “Why am I not happy with ‘me’?” which eventually became, “Who am I, really?”

As someone who has been particularly interested in relationship building and finding a deep connection in one an-

So does that mean we should throw relationships out the window? Is there really no such thing as “the right person”? other, I do feel that relationships by all means can last and work, once you can truly accept that it will not always be rainbows and butterflies. Only once we can accept the fact that we are all unique and different, with strengths and weaknesses, and take the time to recognize those strengths and weaknesses; shall we be free to love those who in turn, can do the same. Here’s the thing. We are all more than what we appear to be. We strive to be more than just the men and women in each other’s lives. We get pulled in so many different directions and we aspire

And the truth was, I honestly could not answer those last two questions. What was it that made me truly, me?

they want, and thus, their anger gets in the way of it. Or maybe they are afraid to communicate what they want. In the very least, bad communication or no communication can lead to boiled up anger and trust issues, that can last for a long time — and I mean years; until one day it explodes. Bad communication from the start can turn into a long road of unhealthy relationships. The exploration of self is so underrated, but once we can learn how to do just this, we can find freedom and happiness within ourselves and therefore in our relationship. When a person is truly content and happy, they attract the right people in their lives and build stronger relationships with truth and honesty.

Now, I had researched many articles and read tons of books on relationships after my break up, but the most interesting fact to me was that the number one reason relationships fail is because of bad communication. That was an obvious fact and no surprise. But it got me thinking, maybe the reason bad communication exists in your relationships is because you don’t actually know what YOU want! According to Sheppard and Zacharakis (2001), “[C]ommunication itself helps to build trust. The occasional revelation of small vulnerabilities implies trust in the partner’s fair and reasonable response to problems . . . Frequent communication provides everyone with the ongoing sense of cooperation, which will increase openness and help defuse stress in the event of a crisis.” Often times when there is bad communication between two people, it is because they don’t know how to explain what it is they are trying to say, or what

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A few months ago, I was reading the amazing book by Julia Cameron called the Artist’s Way. The author gives you exercises and practices in order to channel higher creativity. Well, since your creativity is unique to yourself, learning how to manifest and channel creativity into your life can teach you so much about yourself. One of the exercises in the book suggests

how:Once a week, plan a day or event for yourself — just yourself. You can do whatever you want as long as it gives you chance to explore something you love or are interested in. It doesn’t have to be anything extreme like skydiving or bungee jumping (although you are free to do that if you wish!) but maybe you’ve always wanted to take a sewing class or try kickboxing. Maybe it’s just going on a hike on your own. There is something rather empowering when you give yourself the freedom to find out what makes you “tick.” You don’t need to be passionate in just one thing, you just need to be passionate. This is a super attractive factor when you meet anyone. Think about chatting with someone that oozes enthusiasm because they know what they love, and that they are capable to do anything they want! My first artist date was taking a sewing class. I was already a sewer, but it was nice to learn how I could improve a skill I already knew I was good at. The second was a little more out of my comfort zone and I took singing lessons. The third was a cooking class. I didn’t go on these dates in consecutive weeks. Some weeks in between I would just go for a hike at a new trail I had not explored. Or I’d just go for a long drive to a nearby town and I even made it a goal to find a new coffee shop I haven’t heard of before. In all of these artist dates, I met and connected with at least one complete stranger just because I was that much more open to communication and approachable. Some of these people I am still in touch with and have built strong relationships and bonds with.

going on dates. You may say, “But I go on many dates! Why haven’t I found the right person yet!?” No, I’m talking about dates you go on with yourself! Here’s

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Here are some tips on dating yourself: 1. Start by making a list of the things you’ve always wanted to try or activities you always wanted to

do. It can be as small as sitting on the beach to watch the sunset, or as big as skydiving. 2. Explore activities and events that you’ve always been interested in trying, even if it seems absurd in your current situation. For example, if you’re a Nursing student and want to take a pottery class, they may seem like complete opposite directions, but who knows! Maybe you’ll be a nurse by night, and pottery maker by day! Maybe that will bring you happiness!

3. Never regret any dates. Even if at the end you feel it isn’t something you will partake in again, at least you tried it and you can cross it off your list. 4. Keep a journal so that you can write about what interested you about your date, or log any self discoveries. Writing is also a way to explore your inner thoughts and unblock any ideas that you had hidden in that beautiful mind of yours.

love with yourself before you fall for anyone else. You are the most important relationship to nurture before any other. And when you find the right person that you want to build a long and healthy relationship with, be honest with yourself and with your partner. Communicate openly and freely and keep in touch with your feelings. And lastly, be patient. The right person is out there and will find their way to you when you are truly ready to be found.

At the very least, date yourself; fall in

Reshma Balkaran Reshma`s passion is simple, and that is to inspire you to live the best life you can possibly live, being the best version of yourself.

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WEDDING

THINGS TO KEEP IN MIND FOR DESTINATION WEDDINGS 40

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As Destination Weddings gain popularity within the South Asian community and beyond, here are some things to keep in mind as you prepare for your travels: 1. Renew your passport early. If your Canadian passport has been expired for less than one year, you can use a “simplified” passport application to renew the documentation. The fee for a 5-year passport is $120; the fee for a 10-year passport is $160. That extra $40 may be well worth the time and energy you save going through the process again in a few years. If you wait too long, you may have to pay extra fees to expedite the passport renewal process. 2. Don’t forget your sunscreen! Many destination weddings are in warm areas such as Mexico, Australia or India. Although you can probably buy it during your travels, your time is best spent exploring and enjoying rather than scrambling to protect your skin once you’re out there; so make sure to take some sunscreen with you. 3. Manage your hair! An often forgotten or unknown tidbit of information is how humid and windy it can get in places like Mexico

and India. This tip is mostly for the ladies, but to avoid frizzy hair, take some Moroccan oil or frizz control hairspray with you. The brand or products you prefer to use may not be easily accessible for purchase in remote areas. 4. Take some cash with you. If you are going to an all-inclusive resort for the vacation, you probably won’t spend a lot of extra money, but it is a good idea to take small-denomination cash with you for tipping purposes. You will definitely be catered to, and the hotel staff will appreciate your kind gestures.

ing through all your extra and unnecessary luggage for what you need. 6. Make sure your vaccinations are up to date! As well in advance as possible, check with your local health care providers to determine your immunization statuses, and make sure that you are prepared for what you may encounter in the countries you visit. Twinrix, a vaccination against Hepatitis A and B, a tetanus shot, and dukoral (which prevents travellers’ diarreah) are the most common travel vaccines you should be familiar with.

5. Pack light! This tip may seem obvious, but it is easy to forget how important this is. The more you take with you, the more overwhelmed you will be during your stay. Take the time to plan out your daily outfits and necessities, to cut down on the stress you will end up experiencing later. Once you reach your destination, your time should be spent on having fun, rather than search-

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DIAMOND 101 42

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diamond ring is a hefty investment that requires careful perusal and consideration. As such, AAJ Magazine has put together some helpful information to assist you with this major lifetime purchase. First and foremost, be aware of the 4 C’s: Colour, Clarity, Carat and Cut. Each of these components affect the value of a diamond in different ways.

Colour Blue, yellow or pink diamonds are very expensive, and as such, quite rare for people to buy for engagement rings. Most people go for “colourless” diamonds - the more “colourless” a diamond is on the spectrum, the more expensive and valuable it is. The scale is as follows:

Clarity Clarity assesses irregularities within diamonds known as blemishes or inclusions, which refer to: tiny crystals or bubbles, fissures or other imperfections. The grades are as follows: Grade

Clarity

FL-IF

Flawless.

VVS1-VVS2

Very slightly included.

SI1-SI2

Inclusions visible under 10x magnification.

I1-I3

Inclusions visible to the naked eye and diamond appearance affected.

Grade

Colour

D-F

Colourless

G-J

Near-Colourless

K-M

Faint Yellow

N-R

Very Light Yellow

Carat

S-Z

Light Yellow

A carat is a unit of weight for precious stones and pearls. Most people misunderstand that the carat only determines the size and weight of a diamond, and not the scintillation or “shine.” The higher the carat, the bigger the “rock” and the more expensive its price-tag. It should be noted that “bigger is not always better” but buyers often forget that and go for the size. Smaller “rocks” with greater clarity, cut or colour can be just as valuable. Take care to balance the carat with the other C’s when looking for the ideal ring.

Staying in the D-I range is advised, as differences are fairly undetectable to the naked eye.

ant of the 4 C’s when it comes to buying diamonds; and is essentially the way light enters and exits a diamond. Ideally, light should enter the crown of the diamond and exit the crown of the diamond. Diamonds that are cut too shallow or too deep will have light escape from the bottom and sides, which doesn’t provide the “sparkle” or “firework” effect that most people want. The diamond will look smaller, darker, and more lifeless. Unlike the other C’s, the grades for Cut are not applied in a uniform manner and are not established by GIA (the Gemological Institute of America). Since there are so many variables and factors that go into the cut quality of a diamond, your best bet is to narrow down your choices and then assess the most similar diamonds yourself with your eyes, to determine which one sparkles more than the other.

Stones in the I1 to I3 range should be avoided as they are generally visibly unattractive from a diamond perspective; the nickname for diamonds in this range is “frozen spit.”

Cut Cut is often considered the most import-

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Tips and Tricks to Help You Save Money With the 4 C’s in mind, diamond buying can become very complicated, very stressful, and very expensive really quick. Here are some tips and tricks to help you cut down on costs: 1. If the carat you want is out of reach, choose a halo setting to create an illusion of a bigger stone (and higher carat). A halo setting involves a circle of smaller stones around the centre stone. 2. Minimizing the prong setting and reducing the metal used will also cut down the cost of the ring. Less metal also means that more of the stone is visible, and the stone is easier to clean as well. It’s a triple-win situation! 3. Buy diamonds that are just a bit smaller in carat weight than the one you want, in order to save a significant amount of money. For example, a diamond that is 1.8 carats will be much cheaper than a diamond that is 2 carats. Ac-

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cording to theknot.com, diamond prices jump disproportionately at the carat and half-carat marks. 4. Judge diamonds with the naked eye and understand that people (and you) won’t be able to tell the difference between “perfect” and “near perfect.” Don’t go for the diamond that has imperfections that you would need a microscope to see - you will just be throwing away unnecessary money. 5. White gold will give you the same look at lesser cost than platinum. 6. Emerald cut diamonds look bigger than other cuts; the loss is in the fact that emerald cuts have fewer facets and thus less shine.

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LOVE AND MARRIAGE LIKE A HORSE & CARRIAGE

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recently fell in love and have been dating this soul for over 50 years; I think I deserve to be with this unique being. This falling in love was unusual and eternal. Gurumaa Anandmurti, (my Guru ji) was my calling where I found unconditional love. I fell in love with all the places that stillness could take me. The ordinary became extraordinary, pain turned into pleasure, and there was no room for anything else here and now. All forms of attachment transformed into detachment with love. This was a gateway into a path of spirituality.

“Trance is a tricky place, a place not many understand. It’s a mindful state that only happens when you get out of your way and fall into your true self so deeply that something inside clicks and you are simultaneously being and witnessing yourself.”

What is spirituality? A way to know who you are and your purpose on earth. A way to learn what matters and what does not. A way to understand relationships, especially the one with yourself. It is a falling in love that is eternal and without conditions. I was incomplete and seeking to become whole. I began to lose interest in things that had endings, because I found what was eternal. For me this meant that I stepped out of the story that was preventing me from my truth, my purpose, and a place of joy. Spiritual growth comes with awareness of our thoughts and actions.

Gabrielle Roth

Self-awareness can provide an understanding into all our relations. The route to a healthy relationship is figuring out who you are and how you got to where you are today. How do we decide who we will spend the rest of our life with? If we make this decision according to a quick fix of feeling loved by a partner, we are at risk. Love is the foundation that a relationship is based upon, similar to the hinges of the horse and carriage. We cannot have one without the other. The TV series Married with Children had an opening song with the line “love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage” which presented the idea that a carriage without a horse will not go anywhere. In other words, a horse and carriage make a great team.

Marriage is assumed to be driven by a force called “love” which makes me wonder, how do we know if it is truly love? Consider going shopping – most of us will look for the best quality in the clothes we wear, the house we buy, the car, and so on. Isn’t it just as important to choose your partner with this wisdom and research? Most relationships start with the law of attraction and hope for a happy ever after. Neuroscience provides an explanation about the process of falling in love. It is an emotion that ignites the heart with romantic feelings in the brain. Furthermore, being in love is similar to using drugs – there is a rush of euphoria when you are with that special someone. Your brain releases oxytocin, dopamine and adrenaline; the body feels these happy chemicals. Interestingly, this is the same feeling a cocaine addict feels when hit by the drug. It is quick and feels wonderful, and the thinking mind takes a long vacation. The problem arises when the drug loses its effect and we are left with the aftermath. Love controls our body and mind because it acts as a natural pain killer that produces the analgesic effect which masks the mind from feeling pain. The process is simple: the heart racing and

the butterflies in your stomach are part of the high we experience when we are love struck. The adrenaline signals are sent to your heart and your stomach. In addition, love has the potential to reduce fear, anxiety and stress; no doubt loves makes us feel as if we are on top of the world. It makes us feel strong and more confident. Hugs, kisses, and cuddling release oxytocin which is a natural mood enhancer. If we are with a partner so that we do not feel our pain and face our unresolved issues, be aware that this is not love – it is a way to fill a void that you have been trying to escape. This may be in the form of fulfilling your partners needs or the partner making you feel a certain way. I grew up in a spiritual home with the story of Ramayana, Bhagavad Gita, which provided the answers to my inner child questions. I found wisdom in the “Ramayana” and “Bhagavad Gita.” The Ramayana is about understanding relationships. The “Bhagavad Gita” is about understanding our purpose for landing here on earth. In the case of my grandparents, I found a commitment, endurance, and love in the form of spirituality. My grandmothers: my “nani-ma” and “dadi-ma” were married at the age of 17 with successful marriages. The family of the past is not the family of the present – this sort of commitment is unheard of in our society today. Compromise is a sinful word because it lacks the foundation of spiritual wellness which is a form of self love. Marriage is defined as a union between two individuals, and known as matrimony or wedlock; a socially or ritually recognized union between spouses who establish rights and obligation to one another. A sense of self must be developed before we take on the responsibility for our partner’s unresolved issues. According to Eckhart Tolle, the basic condition of the self is a deep seeded lack of self love which in order to fill we will em-

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ploy anyone who will fulfill our current needs. Insecure partners become lost in the drama and even become addicted to undesirable behaviour; in which case the conscious partner will become exhausted nurturing the needs of their partner and will become resentful. Behaviour that is undesirable will turn a romantic relationship into a “dramantic” relationship. Love makes us feel alive because someone needs you, wants you, and when you are together you feel whole. The rest of the world does not exist, the partners act as a drug for one another. Repeated action is a form of continuous resentment which prevents reconciliation. One fine day, a couple attempted to rebuild their relationship that was not going well for a while. One asked the other to book a vacation package at a warm place – the wife asked “where would you like to go?” The husband responded “anywhere sunny to spend time with you.” The couple enjoyed their first few days together, but the husband became frustrated with little things and found he could not relax. The wife observed and helped defuse the frustration with positive behaviour, yet she was unable to own her husband’s baggage which he had not addressed. Clearly, the husband had work to do; he lacked self love, had unresolved issues and was in denial. Love is a state of being – you never lose it and it never leaves you. Love is not love if it is condition based. When love is conditional we are at risk for falling out of love, and the relationship is a one-way street.

Love can carry masked feelings. The simple step out of this illusionary sense of self is awareness. True love only exists when you are fully aware of your needs before filling your partners needs and accept them unconditionally. The root cause of dysfunction must be understood. Every challenge is about salvation, and healing where the heart needs to soften. It is important to maintain consciousness with responses and observe. Marriage is a union of two individuals that must be like-minded to exist, and be unique in their separateness while living together. Relationships are difficult to understand, and as Sadhguru says, “understand this one” meaning understand yourself before attempting to understand anyone else. Gabrielle Roth pointed out “everywhere I look, I see wounded children struggling to exist.” Imagine these wounded children raising their children with a spouse who is also from the same batch. Issues of origin when unresolved will manifest into destructive families. Falling in love with myself allowed me to seek for all my needs from within, as I found nothing outside my mind exists. Therefore, nothing outside myself has the ability to threaten me, and I am the answer to all my solutions. I hope you will give yourself permission to be the change you seek and find all that you seek within your inner wisdom. I promise you will find that all your relations will have a new meaning.

Rosy Mann Rosy BSc, working on her masters in counselling. NIA certified black belt, writer hopes to become the change.

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MARRIAGES â&#x20AC;&#x201C; CASTE NO LONGER A MAJOR BAR, AT LEAST, IN CANADA! 54

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t is the first Saturday of May in Vancouver.

gary, Alberta, and they shared their wedding story.

The day is beautiful – the skies are blue, the breeze is fresh, and the sun is shining – actually glowing.

The couple is Mathura Prashad Mehay and Jaswinder Kaur. They married in 1997 in India and they have son who is 20 years old son and a daughter who is 19 years old.

The setting - VanDusen Gardens. Indeed, it is an ideal day, and a heavenly setting for any occasion. And for a wedding celebration, it is even extraordinary! People are dancing and enjoying snacks and each other’s company. It looks like a wedding scene from the set of a Bollywood film. Similar to the plot of a Bollywood film, there is also a bit of ‘suspense’ because it is not just a wedding of the bride and the bridegroom; but rather, it is a union of two communities that have historically been on the opposite sides of the spectrum of the traditional social structure of the Indian sub-continent. It is an inter-caste and interfaith wedding. The bride and her family are of Hindu faith, while the groom and his family are of Buddhism. For me, this is indeed a great occasion to celebrate because the couple is happy and so are their parents, extended families and friends. This may also be a rare couple, who are blessed to have both sets of their parents gracing the occasion and blessing them in a public ceremony. Why is it that I feel this to be a rare and historical occasion? It is because I have read and heard of many reports involving honour killings. The tragic story of Jassi Sidhu of Maple Ridge, British Columbia, is probably still fresh in the minds of many. Jassi was a Canadian youngster who was assassinated in June 2000 because she had fallen in love with someone in India who was of a different economic standing or of a different class – if not of different caste than that of Jassi. At the wedding, I met a couple from Cal-

After ten years of marriage, the couple decided to return to India for a visit and

“My in-laws and the extended family opposed our marriage plans. They even threatened to boycott us for the rest of our lives if we proceeded with our marriage plan,” recalls Mehay. “In the end, the parents gave their consent for us to get married but they were not overly happy. Shortly after the wedding, we came to Canada and started a fresh life in Calgary,” continued Mehay. had a heart to heart conversation with their families. “When we returned to India in 2007, my parents-in-law and their extended family were a lot more welcoming and appreciative of our decision to proceed with our wedding plans. Now, we feel blessed to have been fully accepted by our families,” told Mehay with a sense of joy and relief in his eyes. Meet another couple from the Lower Mainland: Ravi Lagah and Gagandeep Brar. The young couple met each other in the Lower Mainland and decided to get

married in 2016. They now have a lovely son whose first birthday was celebrated recently in Shri Guru Ravidass Temple on Gilley Avenue in Burnaby. “We also experienced many hurdles when we first announced our plans to get married. But thankfully, we now have the full support and understanding of our families,” says Lagah. “Times are changing and people are becoming more open and accepting of inter-caste and inter-faith marriages in Canada,” says Lagah. “Maybe this is one of the benefits of living in a multicultural society such as Canada,” continued Lagah, who coincidently, is also a cab driver in Canada, similar to the story of Mithu Singh Sidhu, Jassi’s husband in India. In my conversations with Canadian born or raised youngsters, it became evident to me that caste is still a factor for many parents. When children announce their marriage plans to their respective parents, caste is still something that they question. Even though for many youngsters, caste does not matter in Canada, it seems that this is a hurdle they often have to go through. “To eradicate caste-based discrimination, interfaith and inter-caste weddings are a must,” says Anand Balley, who came for the wedding. Balley lives in Toronto and is also one of the founders of AICSAmbedkarite International Coordination Society of Canada, a group that recently hosted Dr. Ambedkar’s 127th birth anniversary and its 10th anniversary as an organization in Vancouver. Balley reminded a line from Dr. Ambedkar’s historical paper, Annihilation of Caste: “Caste is a notion, it is a state of the mind,” and “caste can only be annihilated by all of us changing our states of our minds,” continued Balley. About twenty years ago, I had a con-

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versation with a student from SFU and as she shared her story, she almost had tears in her eyes. The student (to respect privacy, I will call this person ‘student’) told me that although she is from the “upper caste” Punjabi family, her last name is also common among the so-called “lower castes” of Punjab. “When my boyfriend introduced me to his parents and they heard of my last name, they took a pause and asked me what my caste was”, said the student. “I later learned that since my last name was in common with the ‘lower caste’ families of Punjab, they thought that I would also be of that caste.” When the student inquired about her caste background and told her boyfriend that she was of the same caste as his, plans for marriage were approved. The student said she often wondered, “what if I was from the ‘lower caste’? Would we still have been able to get

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married?” Although the above story had a happy ending, the student became more aware of the prevalence of the caste-based discrimination in Lower Mainland BC. Another guest who attended the wedding also shared his happiness to see inter-caste marriages occurring and being accepted in Canada. As residents of Canada, one may wonder if there is any place in this country where caste-ism is not being practiced among people of the South Asian origin. While there are probably many other places in Canada where caste-ism is not being practiced among South Asians, Vancouver Island certainly stands out as a place that has successfully insulated from the practice of caste-based distinction. Areas such as Victoria, Paldi, and Duncan have been homes to earlier pioneers – who started migrating to the island and mainland in the early 1900s. Ancestors of the Ravidassia community first came and settled on Vancouver

Island in 1906. Ravidassia is a term to describe patrons of the 14th century revolutionary saint who hails from the socalled ‘untouchables’ of India. To understand the current prevalence of inter-caste marriages on Vancouver Island, I contacted Mohinder Ralh, a resident of Victoria for over twenty years.

“I often go to the local Sikh Temple in Victoria and see full integration where everyone is welcome and involved in many aspects of the management of the Gurdwara (the Sikh Temple) affairs”, describes Ralh. “It is like a ‘melting pot’ where caste has no relevance among South Asians that I have noticed”, continued Ralh.

With respect to marriages, “we have also seen almost all marriages now occurring that are inter-caste and no one has raised any eyebrows or made rude comments, contrary to what I see or read about in other parts of the world”, added Ralh. Ralh feels very optimistic and believes that, ultimately, caste-ism will fade away just as it happened in places such as Fiji and the Caribbean. Whether inter-caste marriages will continue and flourish is probably a subject of debate, but one thing that is certain is that couples who have married irrespective of their caste identities are now leading stronger lives. This may be contrary to what the common assumption was – that it is critical to marry someone within

the same caste or clan identity and have the much needed support of the community. Perhaps it is the unintended benefit of globalization and the breaking down of the nucleus family structure that has led to less dependence on the societal structures and more on independence and self-determination that is also breaking down the artificial and yet very strong boundaries of caste. Breaking down caste distinction not only enables to marry people the love and of their choice, it also lays down the foundation for creating and developing more respectful and inclusive societies. The value of inter-caste marriages is also being recognized in India at the policy level. The Government of India,

for example, revised the “Dr. Ambedkar Scheme for Social Integration through Inter-Caste Marriages” in May 2016 and the scheme is based on the belief that “inter-caste marriages can be one of the significant steps to reduce the caste-prejudices, abolish ‘untouchability’ and spread the values of liberty, equality, fraternity etc. in the society.” These are all positive steps that restore the faith in creating a ‘casteless society.’ Coming back to the scene of wedding at the VanDussen Gardens in Vancouver. Indeed, it is a day to enjoy and celebrate. And, it is a day to wish happy married lives to all who are marrying irrespective of one’s caste and their families

Jai Birdi Jai Birdi is General Secretary with Chetna Association of Canada, a non-profit organization aimed at creating inclusive communities through dialogues and community engagement processes.

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WEDDING

AAJ MAGAZINEâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S SOUTH ASIAN WEDDING CHECKLIST 60

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eddings involve a lot of coordination and planning, especially if you are South Asian and expect to invite tons of guests. Here’s a checklist (in order of priority) to help you get all the details sorted out. Since things vary across the country, we’ve left out a concrete timeline or dates - we’ll let you be the judge of that according to where you live! To maximize the wedding fun, try to delegate tasks as much as you can. After all, you probably have a massive family that would love to help!

1. establish a budget 2. establish a tentative guest list

portation, decor, etc.) 8. send out emails to the vendors and over the next few months, finalize your choices 9. shop for your outfits and get them customized/altered 10. shop for your jewelry 11. make sure your passport isn’t expired; renew it if necessary 12. book your honeymoon 13. finalize your guest list 14. have your pre-wedding photoshoot 15. order save-the-date cards and invitations

3. book the wedding venue (gurudwara, temple, etc.)

16. send out your save-the-date cards (about 4 months prior to the wedding)

4. book your reception venue

17. book henna artist(s)

5. find a wedding planner

18. book event entertainment

6. book a photographer for a pre-wedding photoshoot

19. finalize the little details (maiyan board, jaggo equipment, etc.)

7. start your detailed research; narrow down your top 5 vendors in each major category (makeup, photography, DJ, catering, trans-

20. order sweets and hand out your wedding invitations (about 1.5-2 months prior to the wedding)

arranging transportation/logistics for guests 22. establish what you are going to do for your reception entry and what song you will use 23. start spa and relaxation treatments 24. confirm details with all your vendors (2 weeks before the wedding) 25. reconfirm details with your vendors (3 days before the wedding) 26. get married to the love of your life!

21. start keeping track of RSVPs and

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WEDDING

WHERE TO PROPOSE IN CANADA By: Luxe Proposals 64

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Rockwater Secret Cove, BC Take your glamping experience to new heights along the cliffs of Sunshine Coast. Start your morning with a slow cup of tea on your large deck facing the waters ($50 extra for a guaranteed water view). The best tent-houses are 58, 59, 60 and the Kitty Hawk. 5356 Oles Cove Rd Halfmoon Bay, BC VON 1Y2

Nita Lake Lodge, BC Nestled on a tranquil lake sits an upscale boutique resort just 5 minutes from the bustling Whistler Village. Unwind in one of their oversized suites and double soaker tubs, or enjoy the lake and mountain views right from the comfort of your balcony. 2131 Lake Placid Rd Whistler, BC V0N 1B2

124 Queen, Niagara-On-TheLake (Modern) The charming city of Niagara-On-The-Lake offers a little getaway in this elegant Bed & Breakfast, complete with a spacious rooftop terrace for lounging. Take advantage of their chef-at-home option for custom dinners made and served in your very own villa. 24 Queen St Niagara-on-the-Lake, ON L0S 1J0

Lake Louise, AB - Fairmont Chateau Banff National Park is known for its breathtaking glaciers and vibrant emerald lake. In the heart of it all is this crème de le crème resort, boasting of royalty and opulence. Adventurous couples can delve into cave tours, ski trips and helicopter tours to experience the majestic Canadian Rockies. 111 Lake Louise Dr Lake Louise, AB T0L 1E0

Fogo Island Inn, NL Experience a different type of island gvetaway in an architectural masterpiece, where you can explore abandoned communities and kayak alongside icebergs. Afterwards, retreat to your suite with a wood-burning fireplace and marvel the great Northern Atlantic through your floor-to-ceiling windows. 210 Main Rd Joe Batt’s Arm, NL A0G 2X0

Hotel Nelligan, MTL Nothing spells romance like Old Montreal, and Hotel Nelligen is situated in the heart of it. Its brick exposed walls mixed with contemporary decor is perfect for trendy couples looking for a boutique getaway. Take a food tour through the cobblestone sidewalks oozing with charm and marvel at the city’s historical appeal. 106 Rue Saint-Paul O Montréal, QC H2Y 1Z3

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WEDDING

YOU GLOW GIRL

By: Dr. Esha Singh, ND

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How naturopathic medicine can help relieve stress, reduce bloat, and give you glowing skin before your big day.

he months and weeks leading up to your big day can be incredibly taxing. Between the onslaught of dress fittings, vendor meetings, and creating an awe-inspiring experience for your guests, it is easy to run to yourself into the ground without even realizing it. It is not uncommon for the bride-tobe to become so stressed with everything, that by the time the wedding week rolls around, she is completely over it. Your wedding is one of the most cherished events of your life; you probably do not want to simply go through the motions. Rather than surviving the wedding planning process, what if you could thrive during it? What if, along with all the hairstylists, manicurists, MUAs, and henna-artists, you added a Naturopathic Physician to your bridal wellness team?

Wait, what? What is Naturopathic medicine? Naturopathic medicine is a system of medicine that views the body and health in a holistic manner. Rather than simply treating symptoms, Naturopathic physicians (NDs) work to connect the dots and determine the root cause of illness. NDs are trained to treat all sorts of conditions, including endocrine disorders, chronic diseases (e.g. obesity, heart disease, diabetes), and gastrointestinal disorders. Alongside conventional diagnostics and treatments, NDs can choose to add in aspects of clinical nutrition, botanical medicine, acupuncture, and homeopathy to your unique treatment plan.

Why would I see a doctor if I am not sick?

While NDs can offer alternate treatment options when you are sick, the beauty of naturopathic medicine really shines when you are not. The thing is, our society as been conditioned to think that health is a black and white concept: you are either sick or you are not. However, like most things in life, there are many shades of grey. Health can be thought of as a spectrum, while you may not be officially “sick,” there can be many things going on in your body that make you feel less than optimal. Are you perpetually tired? Do you feel sluggish and lacklustre? Does your migraine headache seem to pop-up when it is least convenient for you? Are you “not sick, but not well”? Naturopathic medicine isn’t just for people who are sick; it is for anyone who wants to take control of their wellbeing and go from feeling “eh” to amazing.

How does naturopathic medicine fit into my wedding plan? Wedding planning is stressful and has a way of taking over every waking minute until it is time to tie the knot. With a never-ending to-do list, it is easy for a bride-to-be to forget about her own wellness. By seeing an ND regularly, not only do you safeguard yourself against the toll that chronic stress can take on your mind and body, but you also have someone in your corner during one of the busiest times of your life. Some areas that your ND can be an asset include: ◊ Weight-loss: NDs are experts in metabolism and can play a crucial role in helping you feel confident in your body. Think less crash diet, and more balanced, lifestyle changes that honour your body and optimize your

health. ◊ Detox: Going on a detox is a popular trend amongst bride-to-be’s, but there are many dangerous ones on the market. Your ND can help you build a personalized detox plan that works with your specific concerns and schedule. ◊ Clear skin: Beauty is more than skin deep, but with all the photographers (professional and iPhone) around you during your big week, you will want to step out with your best face forward. Using diet, acupuncture, and supplements, your ND can help you achieve clearer, more glowing skin. ◊ Improving energy levels: South Asian weddings are no joke. With most weddings being multi-day events, you are going to want to have energy levels to match. NDs can help you safely increase your energy while ensuring that you are getting the rest that you need. ◊ Stress management: This one is huge. Stress can show up in so many different ways in your body, including foggy mental function, diminished energy, problematic skin, and weight gain. Managing your stress in a holistic manner will not only come in handy during your wedding week, but in the months and years to come. ◊ Wedding-week eating plan: Ladoos, pakoras, naan, tandoori chicken . . . one of the best parts of South Asian weddings is the food. A little bit is great, but if you over-indulge (trust me, it is easy to do!), the bloat will take over making you feel uncomfortable in your skin. Your ND can build a customized meal-plan specific to your wedding week so you have enough wiggle room to eat your

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favourite foods, but also feel energized and vibrant throughout the festivities. ◊ Hangover cures: Weddings are a time to celebrate, and with celebration comes alcohol. By adding an ND to your bridal wellness team, your liver and your bridal party will thank you. NDs can administer IV-nutrients which help speed up the metabolism of alcohol. Less hangover, more party!

That sounds nice and all, but I’m already spending so much on my wedding . . . While Naturopathic medicine isn’t covered by the Medical Services Plan (MSP) for most people, if you have extended health coverage through your employment, there is typically allowance for naturopathic visits. Think of it as free money that can go towards making you feel vibrant, that you need to use up within the calendar year. Your wedding is a moment to cherish and to look back on with the fondest of memories. Rather than going through this chaotic period feeling rundown, give yourself the care and attention that you deserve.

Dr.Esha Singh Dr. Esha Singh, ND is a Board Certified Naturopathic Physician based in Vancouver, BC. She holds a Bachelor’s degree in Kinesiology and a Post-Baccalaureate in Psychology from Simon Fraser University, and completed her medical training at the Boucher Institute of Naturopathic Medicine. Dr. Singh has a deep interest in how lifestyle can impact the mood and mind, as well as evidence-based, holistic approaches to treating endocrine disorders. For more information about Dr. Singh and Naturopathic Medicine, visit www.dreshasingh.com.

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WEDDING

LOVE IS FOR EVERYONE 74

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id you know: on June 28, 1969, the first ever Gay Pride march occurred. It was actually a riot that would go down in history as the Stonewall riots. Gay Pride’s explosive origin may sometimes be forgotten nearly 50 years later, but this origin story is not one of rebellion, but of a community of people that society often silences. It has been 13 years since Canada adopted marriage equality - but the South Asian community, in particular, is still struggling to openly discuss realities such as mental health and LGBTQ issues. A famous LGBT slogan states: “We’re here! We’re Queer! Get used to it!” And it’s time for the South Asian community to get used to talking about it. It’s time for society to understand that people that identify as LGBTQ are just normal people that deserve the right to love whomever they choose. One beautiful example of this is Jag & Agata. Jag Nagra is 34 and works as a graphic designer and illustrator, and, Agata Matyszczuk is 36 and works as a transit operator.

“We’re just like any other relationship,” Jag tells me, “we’re just normal.” Jag and Agata first met online over six years ago. Their love story is also poignantly normal - they chatted for four months online before deciding to meet, and the rest was history. In the years prior to them meeting, both Jag and Agata had come out to their families. “I couldn’t even get any words out [to my mom], I was just crying,” Jag recalls, “she just hugged me tighter than I had ever been hugged. And the one

thing she said to me that I’ll never forget was: ‘If anyone gives you a hard time about this, don’t bother inviting them to my funeral’. From the moment she found out, she stood up for me. ... Growing up, I always thought I would be disowned. I naively thought I was the only Punjabi lesbian in the entire world. It’s not a thing that anyone discussed growing up.”. Her struggle with loneliness growing up is an incredibly common feeling among LGBTQ youth, and an emotion that her and Agata both felt when they decided to try dating online.

house before our first year anniversary! I remember telling my Mom about Agata [at first] was really awkward, but things have been great ever since. All of my family just adores Agata.” Agata’s family, meanwhile, was resistant to the relationship at first, but have since embraced Jag.

She adds, “I bet there are a lot of closeted South Asian people who think they’re the only ones. Just being visible and showing them that there are other people like them out there that are doing fine is[important to me. ...I remember, I think it was back in 2008, I came across an article in the Georgia Straight and it was an interview with Alex Sangha, the founder of SHER Vancouver. And that was literally the first time I ever saw another Punjabi queer person. And from then on, everything kinda changed. Being able to talk to my parents and say ‘there are others’ like me’, it was a big part of my coming out. And then they started to notice like, Ellen DeGeneres on TV, or their coworkers are gay, and they were like, ‘oh, they’re everywhere! It’s not just my daughter.’”

Since then, Jag and Agata have welcomed a beautiful baby into their lives named Jaya. “It didn’t go over very well when we told my parents that we were pregnant,” says Agata, “my mom immediately turned around to me and said ‘who are you having a baby with?’ and I said, ‘Jag, obviously’. They came over to see the baby and spend time with us, so they came around.”

On the other hand, Agata’s coming out was forced upon her by an uncle at the dinner table - another unfortunate reality and genuine fear in the hearts of many gay youth. “I was kinda forced to say it. At least I had my uncle’s support,” Agata says. “My dad kinda took a day to process it, but my mom was shocked. It took a while for her to come around.” Years later, Jag and Agata would meet. Jag chuckles, “We did the stereotypical lesbian thing and moved in together very quickly. We actually bought a town-

When asked about any community reactions to their relationship or to the fact that they are a mixed race couple, Jag and Agata both felt that they actually experienced very little backlash.

Jag was also incredibly worried about what her extended family would think and say. “My mom was like, ‘you can’t live

“You hear something on the news sometimes about LGBT people getting attacked, and every time it comes up, I turn to Agata and I’m like: ‘Do you feel gay? Like, do you feel like you are a part of that community?’ And we always say that we’re just normal to ourselves. Like, it’s just very natural. To have any kind of label put on it is kinda weird when you’re just the same person you were when you were five years old.” AAJ MAGAZINE

under a rock forever’. I’m really grateful. I think my parents are one of very few that are so supportive, and most of the time you hear people and their parents ignore it and they never talk about it again, or they still try to get them to do an arranged marriage. So I feel really lucky.” When asked about their experiences out in public, Jag says, “Sometimes we get the ‘oh, I wouldn’t have thought you guys were gay’, but I don’t know what they were imagining. Butch? ...I don’t want people to view my gayness as a negative and have them go, ‘oh, she’s gay, this is how gay people are’ so I’m very nice to people.” Jag and Agata’s love story is honest, heartfelt, and full of hope. When asked for her parting throughts for other

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LGBTQ people, Agata says, “don’t underestimate your family’s support. Sometimes you might not get it, but sometimes you might be surprised at how they come around.” Jag agrees, “I don’t want to make false claims and say ‘just come out, it’ll be fine’, because a lot of times it’s not fine. But for me, I just want any closeted or newly out people to see our story and feel a tiny bit of hope. We still had hardships and stuff with coming out. It’s not like we didn’t have struggles, but we don’t feel any different from anyone else.”

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WEDDING WEDDING

INDIAN INSPIRED WEDDINGS IN CANADA 80

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eddings play a central role in any Indian’s life, whether abroad or in their home country. The hope of every Indian parent is to secure a good marriage for their children, and they spare no expense in expressing their joy when it happens. Many parents begin saving for their children’s wedding as soon as they are born, dreaming of a celebration lavish enough to rival any Bollywood movie. The world of shaadi (the Hindi word for wedding) is the ultimate fantasy, a world away from the Western trend of minimalism and voluntary simplicity. Indian weddings in North America have become increasingly extravagant in recent years. It would seem that each new wedding outdoes the last in this community that takes great pride in generously celebrating their loved ones’ wedding. The Minhas family are a great example of how Indo-Canadian weddings are thrown and designed with a strong Indian inspiration. All of the clothing you see here are made by top designers in India. Although the wedding was done in Canada, many of the wedding decor/clothing was brought from back home.

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WEDDING INTERVIEW

ALISHAâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;S MEHNDI

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Please tell us a little bit about yourself My name is Alisha Faizal Patel. I was born in Fiji and now reside in beautiful British Columbia. I enjoy spending my free time with family and friends.

When did you first start using henna/ mendhi? I started to use Henna/Mehndi at a very young age around 4 years old. I would beg my Daddi (grandma) to tear the leaf off the mehndi tree, blend it onto my palms and I would sit there patiently for hours to let the henna dry and leave a dark stain on my palm. Little did I know, the love of henna would continue on into adulthood. At the age of 15, I started to make my own mehndi cone and practice designs. The passion and love for henna was expressed onto my skin. The henna cone became my paint brush and my skin became the canvas.

What inspired you to start your own business using this art? Being a young mom, I wanted to inspire my son and be an independent working mother. I have always been a creative person and practiced henna art on family and friends in my leisure time. My husband encouraged me to take my talent and make it into a business where I can become my own boss. I want to inspire my son to grow up to know that a woman is not solely responsible to take care of the home and can be a strong independent women just like our Prophet Muhammadâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s (peace be upon him) wife Khatijah (may God be pleased with her). Having strong female role models in my life, such as my own mother, aunties, and religious scholars, inspired me to use this god given talent towards something that would benefit others and, ultimately, me.

What motivates you to keep going? The art itself motivates me. My clients are another motivation, for sure. My clients have become my friends that I treat like family. Just like an artist who feels fulfilled after the image in their mind and conveyed onto canvas, after seeing the clients reaction and appreciation to the art, it motivates my inner artistic side. I feel most motivated when I can take my personal design and place it on my clientâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s body with their full trust in my art work. Seeing the clientâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s beam in their eyes and their positive response is my true satisfaction.

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What kind of challenges did you have in running your business and how did you overcome them? Advertising and promotion, just like any other new business in any industry is one of the greatest challenges. Even today, I have to be consistent with promoting this business on social media, distributing business cards, attending wedding shows and fund raisers, and word of mouth methods to inform the community of my business. If you want people to notice your work and your passion you need to show them what you offer. In the South Asian community in BC, the fashion and art industry is in high demand which comes with an influx of competition. The only way to stand out is to differentiate from the rest and that is why I stay away from the mainstream henna art and focus my work on my personal designs. After securing the client, my main challenge is gaining my clients’ trust. I want them to feel comfortable with knowing that they hired me to express my passion on their special occasion. In a larger occasion such as a wedding, it is crucial that the bride feels most at ease, knowing that at least her mehndi is going to be a masterpiece.

Do you have any advice for aspiring entrepreneurs, especially South Asian females? For aspirating entrepreneurs, your passion is not a dream, it’s a reality. Don’t let your passion go into vain with hopes and dreams. Talk to those who are in the industry, learn the steps you need to take to make your talent into a successful business. Ask questions, even if they may seem silly in your mind. “It is better to fail in originality than to succeed in imitation!” Make it your own because it is your gift. Don’t try to re-invent the wheel but find your best use for it. You are in control of your future because you will meet a lot of nay-sayers. Use them as a stepping stone to your success. If a woman can give birth and walk again, then failing a few times before success is like a walk in the park. I am routing for your success and would love to meet with you to share ideas!

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