ask the therapist
Relationships 101 Karen L. Kaye, LMHC
Q:
Dear Karen Kaye, What do I need to know about relationships to make them more successful? Thanks, Marissa
A:
Dear Marissa, The following are key points that take the fantasy and myth away from relationships, which could ultimately impact the success or failure of a relationship. Relationships are not supposed to make you happy (especially if you are not already a happy person). Relationships are a laboratory in which to teach you learning lessons. So here is how it goes: when we live alone, especially for a long time, we think we are perfect because no one is there to say otherwise. Then, enter a partner, and we find out what is broken. We initially think it is the other person, but really we see our faults and brokenness emerging from unfinished business since childhood. Therefore, we instinctually find the right person to push our buttons to heal that part of us, but instead, most of us leave. We usually leave the other person because we don’t like what we see in ourselves. In fact, you are probably taking the person you like the least with you—which is you! No matter who you connect with, the karma of past relationships will follow you until you decide to stop and deal with you. We all have relationship patterns yet few of us take the time to figure out what the patterns are and
therefore cannot make the necessary corrections. In fact, a soul mate can provoke us faster than anyone. Remember, these challenges arise to heal each person, not to hurt each person. So, if each person can accept that it is the nature or purpose of relationships to challenge our beliefs, then both people can reap the reward of learning and growing together and elevate to a higher level of intimacy. All good relationships take work. Rarely do both people know this— especially at the same time. So, as one person is motivated, the other is complacent and vice-versa. This can be worked out after the cycle has been revealed. Every person has both constructive and destructive patterns that they bring to a relationship. For this, I take a relationship history on both individuals separately, asking questions such as, “What were the beginning, middle and end of each relationship like in past relationships?” The commonalities are usually quite apparent through the eyes of an observer. Each time a person enters a new relationship (if the information is used wisely), it will improve with this awareness and these tools. Thank you so much for your question.
Sincerely, Karen L. Kaye, LMHC Currently accepting new clients, sessions with Karen Kaye take place via telehealth to honor healthful safety standards. If you are interested in scheduling a session, contact Karen Kaye at 954-384-1217 or email KarenKayeCares@bellsouth.net. See ad page 29.
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