MARCH 24 2014. ALWAYS FREE. ALWAYS.
HE WHO CANNOT BE NAMED TOMMY CASTRO | YEAR WALK | INSIDE A GIANT COLON
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Volume 20 Issue 31 March 24, 2014
For 20 years The Synthesis’ goal has remained to provide a forum for entertainment, music, humor, community awareness, opinions, and change.
Columns
This Week...
He Who Cannot Be Named
Letter From the Editor
Publisher/Managing Editor
by Amy Olson
amy@synthesis.net
I can’t BELIEVE we landed an interview with Voldemort! Seriously, I’m brimming with questions: Did he really try to kill a baby but couldn’t? How does he feel about Snape after that stunning betrayal? What has he been up to since the end of the series? Wait, hold up… I’m just getting word that this is an interview with the former Dwarves guitarist and naked luchador, and that it’s amazing.
PAGE 4
Creative Director
Immaculate Infection
Tanner Ulsh graphics@synthesis.net
by Bob Howard
Madbob@madbob.com
PAGE 5
Productivity Wasted by Eli Schwartz
PAGE 6
PAGE 7
by Logan Krunieder
PAGE 16
Consider the Platypus PAGE 17
Reviews
Nerd
Accounting Ben Kirby
Director of Operations Karen Potter
Owner
PAGE 19
Previews PAGE 20
Old Crock
by Jaime O'Neill jaimeandkarenoneill@gmail.com
PAGE 21
Kozmik Debris by Koz McKev
PAGE 18
Jessica Sid Vincent Latham
Dain Sandoval dain@synthesis.net
by Mona Treme
kozmckev@sunset.net
Arielle Mullen, Bob Howard, Howl, Jaime O’Neill, Koz McKev, Tommy Diestel, Jayme Washburn, Eli Schwartz, Mona Treme, Emiliano Garcia-Sarnoff, Jon Williams
Photography
logankrunieder.tumblr.com
Take a probing look at the inner workings of a 40 foot colon with our favorite coloncorrespondent Emiliano Garcia-Sarnoff. Be moved as he penetrates the interior world of interactive colon displays, and lets loose the flow of information. Form a solid picture of what the colon does and what dangers may lurk around every bend. Plus—as a special bonus—grammar!
Designers
Colin Leiker, Mike Valdez graphics@synthesis.net
Contributing Writers
Supertime!
Fun with Colons!
Alex Light Alex@synthesis.net SynthesisWeekly.com/submit-yourevent/
Joey Murphy, Jennifer Foti
by Zooey Mae
PAGE 8
Entertainment Editor
Deliveries
Comical Ruminations
zooey@synthesis.net
Amy Olson amy@synthesis.net
PAGE 22
Bill Fishkin bill@synthesis.net The Synthesis is both owned and published by Apartment 8 Productions. All things published in these pages are the property of Apartment 8 Productions and may not be reproduced, copied or used in any other way, shape or form without the written consent of Apartment 8 Productions. One copy (maybe two) of the Synthesis is available free to residents in Butte, Tehama and Shasta counties. Anyone caught removing papers will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. All opinions expressed throughout the Synthesis are those of the author and are not necessarily the same opinions as Apartment 8 Productions and the Synthesis. The Synthesis welcomes, wants, and will even desperately beg for letters because we care what you think. We can be reached via snail mail at the Synthesis, 210 W. 6th St., Chico, California, 95928. Email letters@ synthesis.net. Please sign all of your letters with your real name, address and preferably a phone number. We may also edit your submission for content and space.
210 West 6th Street Chico Ca 95928 530.899.7708 editorial@synthesis.net
FACEBOOK.COM/SYNTHESISCHICO 3
Hey, Someone Broke into My Car!
PET OF THE WEEK
IT TURNS OUT EVERYTHING I OWN IS WORTHLESS.
Corke y Corkey is an 8 year old Australian Cattle Dog mix who loves to work for his treats! You bring a treat out and he’s showing you all the tricks he’s got in his books! It’s hard not to smile around this boy. He still has a sweet disposition and goofy personality even after all he’s been through. 2579 Fair Street Chico, CA 95928 (530) 343-7917 • buttehumane.org
Now Hear This SYNTHESIS WEEKLY PLAYLIST
Despot - “Look Alive”
Tanner
Despot - “Look Alive”
Colin
Lightnin’ Hopkins - “Bring Me My Shotgun”
Andrea
El-P - “Oh Hail No”
Dinah
Ewan Robertson - “Vincent Black Lightning”
Mike
DJ Snake & Lil Jon - “Turn Down for What”
Alex
Io Torus - “Epoch”
Howl
St Vincent - “Bring Me Your Loves”
Amy
Airmen of Note - “In the Mood”
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SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM MAR 24 2014
Something exciting happened! I left my car parked down on 6th and Salem over the weekend—due mainly to laziness and my general attitude of not caring about it—and some enterprising young thing decided to pry open the sunroof and rummage about. I had this moment after walking up to the car and noticing the yawning hole at the top (something I never see, because I think sunroofs are stupid and I never open mine), registering first that it was unusual, then slowly taking in what it meant. I peered in the window with a bit of apprehension—not sure if I was going to discover a very small knifewielding hobo curled up in the very small back seat, or maybe a family of particularly dexterous raccoons—but found only a slightly messier version of the usual mess. I brushed the newly fallen pine needles off my seat, and noted that it had been scooted back several inches as I climbed in. Yup, someone had definitely been sitting in my spot. Weird. As you may have surmised from the title, the moral of this story is that my things are garbage and they didn’t want any of it: not my collection of coffee cups and newspapers, not my pink trench coat or my random gloves and sweaters, not the bag of yard-sale miscellany I was thinking of donating to Goodwill, or my barely used yoga mat that I keep there just in case (of the apocalypse)—not even the pile of filthy pennies in the center console which have actual cash value. They didn’t even take something just for the sake of making the break-in worth their time; they just got in there, judged me, and left.
What I should’ve felt was violated, and then relieved to still have all my belongings, but I really just felt embarrassed that someone had seen how nasty my car was. I’ve been doing a weird thing over the past year: leaving various items in my car and then never removing them. Maybe it was some subconscious rebellion against my OCD, or some symbolic ode to the element of chaos that rules the universe. I’d been avoiding giving people rides so nobody would see the state of it, but now I was busted. I pictured the erstwhile thief putting on latex gloves before lifting each item, wrinkling their nose, and then casting the thing aside while muttering, “Garbage, all of it.” Maybe they felt sorry for me. Maybe they left the sunroof open to air things out. Anyway, I can take a hint. I finally cleared out my car and did all the crazy-person detailing I inevitably do when I decide to clean something. It’s amazing how different it feels, like it’s an extension of the other parts of my life instead of this secret-shame-mobile. So if you’re reading this, car-rummager, please know that it’s pristine now and totally worth hanging out in. Also, I found a bunch of silver change under the seat, so joke’s on you.
Letter From the Editor by Amy Olson
amy@synthesis.net
Pictured: Even literal money isn’t valuable enough to steal.
Go Fly a Kite FINDING TEMPORARY SOLACE IN THE FUSING OF WIND AND FABRIC
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Another birthday has come and gone. My birthdays are always slightly melancholy events. I was adopted, from birth, and have never actively sought out my biological mother, so when my birthdays come around I spend some time wondering about the woman who held me inside her for nine months and then gave me away. There’s no animosity, only complex layers of emotion including confusion and curiosity.
I’d forgotten how much joy one can get from the simple act of flying a kite. The advent of spring generally assuages my melancholia, but this spring has been particularly painful for a lot of us. A series of tragedies has struck, leaving us hurt and bewildered; at least that’s how I feel. I’ve been trying to pull comfort from Neil DeGrasse Tyson’s awesome remake of Carl Sagan’s Cosmos, but while the show seems to blow my mind every four minutes or so, it fails to soften the pain in my heart. Even my poor puppy Archie, who is generally an endless source of humor, has taken ill with some kind of a stomach problem. It’s been a trying time. Cue Angry Bird and Barbie Trish bought me a couple of inexpensive kites for my birthday—an angry bird, and a Barbie themed model. The angry bird kite is shaped like a bird and flies erratically—swooping and diving. It is currently stuck in a high branch of one of the oak trees on the farm, and only time will tell if the tree releases the kite intact. The
Barbie kite is a traditional elongated diamond shape, with two long, pink streamers that serve both as a tail to keep the kite balanced, and as visually stimulating ornaments. I’d forgotten how much joy one can get from the simple act of flying a kite. Thinking back, I guess I really haven’t done it since I was a kid. When I told my mom Trish got me a couple of kites for my birthday she reminded me that my childhood birthdays tended to be kitethemed, on account of March’s reputation as the windy month. It’s blustery today, as opposed to breezy—so there is a heavy element of randomness to the kite flying. The wind will stop for minutes, and then pick up quickly, and sometimes violently. It takes several abortive attempts before the kite catches a breeze and soars upward. The wind will buffet the kite, pushing it dangerously close to tree tops or causing the fabric to ripple and flap. Occasionally I find my breath catching in my throat as the streamers from my four dollar toy brush the tops of an oak. It’s delightful, mirthful, and joyous. When the wind and the kite and myself all come together in the right way, there is Barbie’s cartoon face high above, illuminated in the sunlight, and smiling down at me. The streamers dance and shine. All the randomness and chaos and turmoil and confusion in this strange, awful, wondrous, amazing world collide and collude to create a simple moment of peace and pleasure.
Immaculate Infection
by Bob Howard
Madbob@madbob.com
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Year Walk
CULTURAL TRADITIONS ARE TERRIFYING
Year Walk came out in February of last year for the iOS, but I am a technological cretin and believe in segregation of computer and phone, and therefore did not play it. However, it came out for the PC not long ago, and a brief examination told me I absolutely had to play this game. Like many games I have played, and like several of my most recent reviews/promos, it’s a point and click adventure game where the mechanics are almost entirely cerebral.
Of course, knowing what the creatures are doesn’t so much as appease the fear, as add to the dread of having to court them.
Unlike those games, and the vast majority of games everywhere, Year Walk is a quiet, terrifying expedition into Swedish folklore. The plot involves a young man embarking on an Årsgång, literally “year walk,” a spirit quest deep into the woods. On an Årsgång the walker must sacrifice a holiday—sometimes May Day, Christmas, or New Year’s Eve— spending the entire day away from any fire or warmth, any light whatsoever, any human contact whatsoever, and must abstain from eating. Already the price is intense; a rural Swede would not be quick to give up one of the few feasts and celebrations in their year. They must wait until midnight, at which point (still abstaining from any of the above) they must leave their home and walk through the woods, visiting various sites, dealing with and dodging spirits, and risking their very life to ultimately reach the church. From there, a ritual movement or dance would grant them visions of the coming year. In some tellings, Årsgångers would receive more than visions; at the church they would be granted complete knowledge of all hidden things for all time. The developers (both of them) at Simogo, a Swedish group with a history of small, fun touchscreen games, stumbled upon a littleknown facet of their own land’s folklore, and 6
SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM MAR 24 2014
from there, were as unable to stop making the game as I was to stop obsessing about it. The player must navigate their own deserted stretch of Swedish woodlands, crunching snow underfoot as they slowly piece together the puzzles sent their way by spirits and trees and stones. Any confusion the player might have as to what in God’s name they’re seeing could be easily cleared up by a visit to the encyclopedia in the top corner, complete with entries on the supernatural aspects and entities present with the journey. Of course, knowing what the creatures are doesn’t so much as appease the fear, as add to the dread of having to court them. The developers themselves insist the game’s only genre is adventure, but its frequent labeling as horror is no mistake. The game features both the long, slow burns of building dread and a few sudden, terrifying jump scares. But there’s also a strange melancholy and reverence present within it all, and the woods seem so alone. The investigation and atmosphere do contribute to Year Walk’s power, and its puzzles are neither too hard nor boring, but ultimately it’s the frightening, impartial spirits that the player must navigate, and that long walk itself that make the game haunting—not just during the experience—but for days afterward.
Productivity Wasted by Eli Schwartz
Podcasts
DUMB THINGS FOR YOUR EARHOLES Maybe it’s because my parents were heavy-handed with the NPR in my house growing up, but I’ve always had an affinity for talk radio. I’ve talked at length (probably a bit too much), about how much I adore Coast To Coast with George Noory and Art Bell. And it’s not just the subject matter; I mean sure, lizard people and aliens and the vast expanse of conspiracies afoot are intriguing, but it’s more than that. Even now, the low hum of a droning voice will put me to sleep faster than a baby during a vigorous vacuuming session. Come to think of it, that’s probably why I had so much trouble in my physics class last semester. Also, that class was taught by a retired Hoover vac, so there’s that. Lately, my love for talk radio has found a new avenue over which to obsess. The avenue? Podcasts. I feel late in discovering this, probably because I didn’t really fully understand the point, or the latitudinal freedom this medium can bestow. This week I’m disregarding the fact that I am 100 percent positive that you, dear reader, are most likely better versed in the many different podcasts available. Alas, I needed to produce a column, and podcasts are what have been on my mind. So the following is my list of top five podcasts I’ve been listening to. Radiolab Radiolab will always have a spot near and dear to my heart. Any episode ever of Radiolab is what I wish school was like. Not to say that there aren’t good professors at Chico State, there are. Matt Blake and Aaron Quinn, most especially. Radiolab is an infectious mix of philosophy, science and the human experience (my favorite). Best episode: “Oops!” James Bonding Being the unabashed Bond fan that I am, I couldn’t pass up this podcast. Every episode Matt Mira and Matt Gourley dissect another Bond film, with a special guest onboard to help them recount, dissect and analyze each movie. A fair amount of ridicule occurs, sure. As with virtually any movie made in the 1970’s and 1990’s, there’s plenty to poke fun
at. And although the “Matts” don’t care too much for my favorite Bond (Timothy Dalton), it’s still endlessly entertaining for any Bond enthusiast. Risk Being the idiot weirdo that I am, I delight in discovering an unfettered account of how others live their lives. Risk is the perfect podcast for that. Featuring “storytellers” from all over, this podcast will have you moving from laughter to disgust in no time at all. How Did This Get Made If you’re a fan of The League, or watching terrible movies, then you’ll enjoy this one. Created by Paul Scheer (Andre on The League), Jason Mantzoukas (Raffi on The League), and June Diane Raphael (Zodiac, Forgetting Sarah Marshall), this podcast dissects a new terrible movie each week with the help of a special guest. It’s James Bonding without the narrow Bond scope. Savage Lovecast In this podcast, Michael Savage recounts his various sexual conquests… Just kidding. That would be horrifying. Dan Savage, author of the internationally syndicated sex advice column produces this podcast, which is essentially his column, in audio form. Now go forth, and listen to dumb stuff! Dumb stuff for everyone!
Comical Ruminations
by Zooey Mae
zooey@synthesis.net
FACEBOOK.COM/SYNTHESISCHICO 7
by Jon Williams
8
SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM MAR 24 2014
Music-loving Millennials who’ve spent enough time on the internet may have seen longrunning shock-punk act Dwarves labeled “the last true bastions of punk rock ideology in the contemporary musical age.” For the last 30 years this San Francisco-based group of scum punkers racked up mythic stories of live shows involving onstage sex, drug use, physical violence, and a nameless guitarist who exclusively performs wearing a luchador mask and a leather jockstrap—if he chooses to wear anything at all.
his solo band, exhibiting a more airtight and eclectic sound in the vein of Dwarves’ later material. In preparation for the show, we contacted the masked man himself through a surprisingly candid email interview, wherein we discussed the flaccidity of todays punk music, his solo records, and today’s culture around music consumption.
This absurdist punk rock legend thus came to be known as He Who Cannot Be Named, and 30-odd years later this anonymous tribute to anarchic punk rock perversity hasn’t slowed down one bit. He’s slated to grace Chico’s very own Monstros pizza on March 28th with
He: I did play Chico once with Dwarves in 2001, I think it was. I remember that it was really hot, so it must have been in the summer. I used to play naked a lot back in those days and I remember being advised after the show that it would be more attractive
Welcome to Chico, He Who Cannot Be Named! Have you ever been here, either with your solo band or with Dwarves?
“down there” if I shaved off my pubic hair. So I started shaving my balls in Chico. With a storied career spanning nearly a quarter century, you’ve witnessed a complete overhaul of the music industry and our culture around music consumption. What are your thoughts on music piracy? How has the changing climate affected your musical career? He: Yeah, there have been lots of advances in technology in my lifetime. Not only music, but entertainment in general is consumed and produced way differently than when I started doing this. We actually recorded our first several albums on tape, which meant that we had to actually play the songs from start to finish. Computers really changed all that. Now all you have to do is know a little bit of the song and the rest is cut and paste. I think the way many kids learn how to play music has changed as well. I learned how to play the piano first which
The hard part is getting people to give a shit about it with all the music that is available. I think gave me more of an appreciation for melody. Now it seems like there is more of an emphasis on rhythm. Kids often just learn to play a few power chords with drop D tuning. Melody is becoming less important, it seems, in popular music. I don’t know if that’s because of technology, but certainly the advent of sampling and hip hop music is connected to the use of computers for music generation. Rap vocals represents the ultimate destruction of melody. As for music consumption, free downloads and digital piracy have made it really hard to make money from record sales, but you know it was always kind of hard. The record companies always have had incredible power to decide what people get to hear, and it seems like they still do. It is certainly easier now to publish your own stuff, so that’s good. The hard part is getting people to give a shit about it with all the music that is available.
I remember the Reagan years, and all the paranoia about the possibility of missiles coming in at any time.
I read an interview with you from a couple years back where you spoke on the lack of danger and criminality in today’s punk music. What can be done, if anything?
He: Wow, I don’t know if anything can be done. I really believe that those kind of creative expressions happened as a representation of what was going on around the artists and audiences at the time. I think punk rock came out against a Cold War backdrop. It was just the next step of the ‘60s counterculture movement. When I was a kid I saw the Vietnam War protests, and I remember the Reagan years, and
all the paranoia about the possibility of missiles coming in at any time. We live in a pretty comfortable world here in the USA in 2014. Potential soldiers in today’s wars now see them as opportunities for adventure or career advancement. People have been taught not to take many risks. Compliance is seen as a virtue. That was true for my generation as well, but things like the military draft and blatant racial discrimination left very few options except rebellion for many. The punks just took it to the next step, turning against the music and the lethargic “peace and love” hypocrisy they saw failing around them. Now, even though we are still at about the same, if not even more, risk for immediate and total annihilation, it seems easier to just ignore it all and seek quality entertainment. That can, and I am sure will, change as history moves forward. I think there are some big-time forces at work right now that will create lots of hardship for people in future generations... Things like mass environmental destruction, and the development of automation technology resulting in world-wide unemployment and economic collapse, will fuck things up in a big, big way for a long, long time. People will once again feel like they are backed into a
corner, and I’m sure the world will once again see some real dangerous, challenging artistic expression. I haven’t seen this recently but I wouldn’t be surprised if there are things like this going on now. It’s a big world. Whose idea was it to include a clarinet on “Gettin’ Pissed?” I think it’s great. These little moments of unpretentious humor—singing about dancing “The Wiggle,” for example— are refreshing. He: I just got this kind of “Hogan’s Heroes” sound in my head while I was listening back to the song and I had to have it. Yeah “The Wiggle” is kind of a kids song. I was trying to do a bubblegum punk song. Were your parents ever concerned about your debaucherous rock and roll lifestyle? He: My parents were very religious. I mean they really believed, they didn’t just talk the talk. It’s funny, we never ever talked about my on-stage antics or my debauched lifestyle, although
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I always kind of figured that they knew about it. My parents are no longer alive. They died a few years back in a car accident. When we were cleaning out the house I thought I would for sure find copies of at least few of my albums, but no… nothing. That’s OK with me. There are some things that are better left unknown. Dwarves are often described as “the last true bastions of punk rock ideology in the contemporary musical age.” How do you react to this kind of praise? He: It’s kind of hyperbolic, but I guess that is the nature of that genre of writing. It definitely gives me a feeling of accomplishment. What kind of music are you digging at the moment? Do you listen to anything that fans may be surprised by? He: This changes all the time. It just depends what I want to hear. If I want to hear awesome percussive piano, I’ll usually listen to some Thelonious Monk. For trumpet, it’s Miles Davis. When I want to hear well-written songs I often put on some Steve Earle or Elvis Costello. I love The Spears or Minor Threat for raw punk. If I want to hear amazing rock drums, I may listen to a Led Zeppelin album. I suppose fans might find my love of classical (especially choral) music a bit curious. Most of our readers are no doubt of a much younger generation, and missed out on the punk scene of the ‘80s and 90s. How do today’s crowds compare to that of the scene 20-30 years ago? He: It just depends where you go, how big the crowd is, who is
playing, and how fucked up people are. You’re known for performing solely in a luchador mask and a jockstrap. At what point did you decide that this was going to be a regular thing? He: My first gig with “Suburban Nightmare,” as we were called back then, was at a big Halloween party that this biker friend of ours was having. I wore a mask as a costume and kind of enjoyed it. I decided to continue… and it quickly became a gimmick, I guess. The jockstrap started when I decided to put some clothes back on. How many masks do you own? Any favorites? He: I think I have about ten or fifteen. My wife likes the one with the leopard print, but I think that is because she just likes leopard print in general. I don’t really have a favorite. On that same note, do you ever get sick of it? Or does the lack of clothing offer comfort and flexibility on stage? He: Sometimes the mask can be difficult, especially when my glasses fog up, but I’m pretty used to it after 30 years. The lack of clothing can be quite comfortable in warm weather. Also, the disguise has helped me escape from a few difficult situations. There have been many times that it gave me the ability to nonchalantly slip away while bouncers or cops searched in vain for the “naked guy wearing a mask.” Despite your provocative stage presence and transgressive lyrics, your solo material—and notably much of Dwarves’ later albums—is some hooky, airtight stuff. Do you ever
wonder (or care) if you and Dwarves could have been commercially successful if the subject matter was watered down? He: I think it may have been a little more to it than the lyrical content of our songs. There were a few attempts to write and record a “hit.” We eventually gave up. We did have a moment in the early ‘90s when the Sub-Pop bands were being given lots of attention because of Nirvana’s success. We played a big showcase in New York and I thought it would be funny if I took a piss on the audience. It was. The waltz-y acoustic song “Black Eyed and Blue” off Humaniterrorist caught me off guard. What’s the story behind that one? He: You know, I have been writing a lot of acoustic material lately. But I think that song kind of fits in with the whole death theme of that album. Sometimes people look around and notice that what they once had has long since died away. San Francisco is a very strange place. Has it informed the quirkiness of your music and stage persona? He: Yeah I guess it is strange... I’ve always thought of myself as a mid-westerner. We moved to SF from Chicago in the ‘80s, so I didn’t really think of myself being a San Franciscan. I grew to like it though. I have always liked being around freaks. Normal people scare me. Do you have a day job aside from your life behind the mask? How has your music career affected your working life? He: Yeah that’s kind of complicated. Let me just say that the mask has an important function. It helps to keep my bizarre double life intact. He Who Cannot Be Named will be performing at Monstro’s Pizza with Severance Package, Big Tree Fall Down, and Fight Music on 3/28. 8PM, $5.
Also, the disguise has helped me escape from a few difficult situations. There have been many times that it gave me the ability to nonchalantly slip away while bouncers or cops searched in vain for the “naked guy wearing a mask.” 10
SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM MAR 24 2014
CHICO’S
YOGA MECCA
C O M E WAT C H M A R C H M A D N E S S
t h u rs d ay - s at u r d ay
Food & Drink Monday Tuesday
Closed. We need to drink, too!
Closed
Mon-Fri Happy Hour 12-4PM $3 Sierra & Domestic Pints
Daily Happy Hour from 4-7PM PBR $2.25 Everyday!
Angry Mondays! Angry Orchard specials $6 angry hot wings Happy Hour 2-6pm M-F $1.00 off Sierra and Dom Pitchers $1.00 off PBR & Olympia Pool Rates Cut in 1/2!
$6.50 Pulled pork sand w/ fries or salad 25 cent wings from halftime 'til they're gone! MONSTER MONDAY SPECIALS 6PM-CLOSE BEER $3/4/5/6 $1 SHOTS FREE Pool after 10PM
6PM - close $1 Off Pitchers
Come see our beautiful Patio! Happy Hour 4-6: Menu cocktails $1 off. Sierra Nevada Draft $3
Closed
$3 Sierra and Domestic Pints $ 3.50 Kamis ALL DAY!
Daily Happy Hour from 4-7PM PBR $2.25 Everyday!
Two Dollar Tuesdays! $2 PBRs $2 Tacos! Happy Hour 2-6pm M-F $1.00 off Sierra and Dom Pitchers $1.00 off PBR and Olympia Cans Pool Rates Cut in 1/2!
Chicken Strip Sand only $6.50 before 6 PM DOLLAR DAZE 6-9pm $1 Beer $1 Wells $2 Doubles FREE Pool after 10PM
Come see our beautiful Patio! Happy Hour 4-6: Menu cocktails $1 off. Sierra Nevada Draft $3 Live music 8-10
Closed
WING WEDNESDAY! $2 for 3 Wings
Daily Happy Hour from 4-7PM Full Bar in Back Room Weds, Fri & Sat Nights! PBR $2.25 Everyday!
Chicken Waffle Wed.! 8 ball Tourney 6pm sign-up Happy Hour 2-6pm M-F $1.00 off Sierra and Dom Pitchers $1.00 off PBR and Olympia Pool Rates Cut in 1/2!
Reuben Sand w/ fries or salad $6.50 5pm-Close 1/2 off kids items 8pm-Close Pitcher Specials $6/$9/$12 FREE Pool after 10PM
Come see our beautiful Patio! Happy Hour 4-6: Menu cocktails $1 off. Sierra Nevada Draft $3
$3 20oz Slushies $2 12oz Slushies $2 Wells, Drafts and Bartender Specials $5 Vodka Red Bull
Mon-Fri Happy Hour 12-4PM $3 Sierra & Domestic Pints
Daily Happy Hour from 4-7PM PBR $2.25 Everyday!
Chico Jazz Collective 8-midnight Happy Hour 2-6pm M-F $1.00 off Sierra & Dom Pitchers $1.00 off PBR and Olympia Pool Rates Cut in 1/2!
Baby Back Ribs $10.99 Philly Cheesesteak $7.50
Food Truck Friday: Pop's Pizza wood-fired pizza's made to order on the patio, all night! Happy Hour from 4-6.
Bartender Specials $3 14oz Slushies $4 20oz Slushies
Mon-Fri Happy Hour 12-4PM $3 Sierra & Domestic Pints
Daily Happy Hour from 4-7PM Full Bar in Back Room Weds, Fri & Sat Nights! PBR $2.25 Everyday!
Rock Out at The DL! Enjoy Live Music, Great Grub, and 10 9' foot tables Open @11am All ages untill 10pm
10 oz. Tri-Tip Steak w/ Fries or Salad & Garlic Bread $8.99 8pm-Close $4 J채ger $5 DBL Vodka Red Bull $6 J채ger Red Bull $2 Kamikaze shots FREE Pool after 10PM
We open at 12:00pm. Kentucky Bucks are $5 until 5pm! Food Truck Saturday Night Annie's Asian Grill on the Patio Everything from Shrimp Tempura to Korean Tacos
Bartender Specials $3 14oz Slushies $4 20oz Slushies
Daily Happy Hour from 4-7PM Full Bar in Back Room Weds, Fri & Sat Nights! PBR $2.25 Everyday!
Rock Out at The DL! Enjoy Live Music, Great Grub, and 10 9' foot tables Open @11am All ages untill 10pm
Baby Back Ribs w/Salad, Fries & garlic bread $10.99 8pm-Close $4 Single/$6 Double Jack or Captain $2 Sierra Nevada FREE Pool after 10PM
Daily Happy Hour from 4-7PM PBR $2.25 Everyday!
Super Bowl Sunday: Bronco Burgers and Sea Chicken Tuna melts $8 1.00 off Sierra and Dom Pitchers $1.00 off PBR and Olympia Cans
$5.19 Grad/Garden/ Turkey Burger w/fries or salad Bloodies $3 Well, $4 Call, $5 Top, $6 Goose Mimosas $2/flute, $5/pint $6 Beer Pitchers FREE Pool after 10PM
t h u rs d ay 3 / 2 0 6pm-close
$4 g r a d t eas $3 beer pints
Wednesday
8PM-Close $2.50 Fire Eater Shots $6 DBL Bacardi Cocktails
free pool after 10pm 3 4 4 W E S T 8 t h S t | c h i c o, c a | 5 3 0 - 3 4 3 - 2 7 9 0
Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday
$3.50 Soccer moms $6 Dbl Roaring Vodka
Weekend Blast Off!! 8-close $5 Blasters
WE OPEN AT 12:00PM MIMOSAS WITH FRESH SQUEEZED OJ FOR $5 UNTIL 5PM.
12-6PM $1 off pitchers 8PM - Close $3 Single / $5 DBL Bacardi Cocktails
Open at 11AM $5 Bottles of Champagne with entree $4.50 Bloody Mary $5.50 Absolut Peppar Bloody Marys
F r i d ay 4 - 7 p m
Wednesday 9pm
HAPPY HOUR!
DANCE NIGHT DJ SPENNY & JEFF HOWSE
THE PUB SCOUTS 337 Main St.
12
SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM MAR 17 2014
6pm-Close $4 Grad teas $3 All beer pints FREE Pool after 10PM
530-343-1745
Please Drink Responsibly
Go DownLo
BEAR-E-OKE BURGER MADNESS! Bear Burger with fries or salad for $5.29. 11am-10pm.
90's Night! $6 Pitchers $3 Jameson and Skyy Specials $2 Kamis
Go DownLo
Metal Night in the Whiskey Room! $1 Jim Beam $2 cans of beer
Go DownLo
College "House Party" Ladies Night ! $5 Pabst pitchers 1/2 off Rockstar cocktails $2.50 Pink Lemonades $3 Jamo and Ginger
LIVE MUSIC Drink Specials
FIREBALL FRIDAYS!!!!
LIVE MUSIC Drink Specials
Happy Hour 4 - 8pm $6 pitchers $2 refills after 1st purchase 80's NIGHT!!!
LIVE MUSIC Drink Specials
Happy Hour 4 - 8pm $6 pitchers $2 refills after 1st purchase KARAOKE "INDUSTRY NIGHT" HALF OFF ALMOST EVERYTHING!(Except Red Bull and Premium Liquors)
Call To Rent For Private Party Go DownLo
Happy Hour 11-6PM select bottles & drafts $2.75
CLOSED
2 FOR 1 BURGERS ALL DAY !! MINORS WELCOME!
$2 Margaritas $3 Cuervo Marqis $2.50 Corona’s & Sierra Drafts Mon-Sat 3PM-6PM $1 Dom draft, $2 SN draft, $2 wells
CLOSED
Progressive Night! 8-10PM $1 Sierra Pale Ale, Domestics, Rolling Rock & well cocktails up 10PM-close 25¢ per hour-close Mon-Sat free pool 6-8PM
Closed
Buck Night 8-close $1 well cocktails, Sierra Nevada Pale Ale, Rolling Rock, dom draft $3 Black Butte $4 Vodka Redbull
Closed
$3 Hot Licks $4 151 Party Punch 22oz 8-9PM $1 pale ale and dom draft up 25¢ per hour until close $6.50 Apple Cinnamon Cider
Closed
BEAR WEAR! 1/2 off while wearing Bear Wear. MUG CLUB 4-10PM
$2 All Day $2 Select Sierra Nevada or Dom Drafts $2 Kamis -any flavor
$3.50 Tea of the Day Bartender Specials Happy Hour 4-8pm
Happy Hour 4 - 7pm
TRIKE RACES! Post time @ 10pm. Win T-shirts and Bear Bucks. MUG CLUB 4-10PM
All 16 oz Teas or AMF $3 All Day
GAME NIGHT 9-11PM $3.50 Sky Vodka Cocktails
1/2 OFF EVERYTHING!!!
BURGER MADNESS! Bear Burger with fries or salad for $5.29. 11am-10pm.
Happy Hour 11-6PM $2.75 select bottles & drafts
LATE NIGHT EATS! BEAR BURGER AND FRIES FOR ONLY $4.99! Mon-Sat 10pm - 1am.
LATE NIGHT EATS! BEAR BURGER AND FRIES FOR ONLY $4.99! Mon-Sat 10pm - 1am.
BURGER MADNESS! Bear Burger with fries or salad for $5.29. 11am-10pm.
$1.50 sliders and other cheap eats!
$3.50 Tea of the Day Bartender Specials Happy Hour 4-8pm
THURSDAY MARCH 27 WATCH MARCH MADNESS $3.50 SOCCER MOMS $6 DBL ROARING VODKA
9pm - Close $2 12oz Teas $3 20oz Teas $2 Well, Dom Bottles & bartender Specials $5 Vodka Red Bull
Happy Hour 4 - 7pm
Free Happy Hour Food 4PM until it's gone
$3.50 Tea of the Day Bartender Specials Happy Hour 4-8pm
Power Hour 8-9PM 1/2 off Liquor & Drafts (excludes pitchers) 9PM-Close $3 Pale Ale Drafts $9.75 Pale Pitchers
POWER 102 VIP NIGHT Open at 9PM
Happy Hour 11-6PM select wells, bottles and pints $2.75
Happy Hour- 4-7pm $5 Fridays 4-8pm Most food items and pitchers of beer are $5
$4 Sex On The Beach $4 Sierra Nevada Knightro ON TAP $1 Jello Shots 7-10PM $3 Fireball
$3.50 Tea of the Day Bartender Specials
Hot "Dawgs" ALL DAY!
Mon-Sat 3PM-6PM $1 Dom draft, $2 SN draft, $2 wells Power Hour 8-9PM 1/2 off Liquor & Drafts (excludes pitchers) 9-Close Pale Ale Drafts $9.75 Pale Pitchers
BOTTLE SERVICE Now Available!
CLOSED
CLOSED
$2 16oz Wells
$4 World Famous Bloody Joe $5 Premium bloodys your choice of vodka
$1.50 sliders and other cheap eats!!
Happy Hour 4-8pm
Open 11am to 9pm Sunday Brunch - 11-2pm $3 Champagne with entree.
Champagne Brunch and SPORTS!
sweet 16
134 BROADWAY ST. | 530.893.5253
BOTTLE SERVICE Now Available! Call for reservation 898-9898
Call for reservation 898-9898 Open at 9PPM
GAME NIGHT BINGO/TRIVIA
S P O N S O R E D BY
WEDNESDAY 9-11PM FREE TO PLAY PRIZES!
SKYY SPECIALS ALL NIGHT
10% OFF WITH STUDENT ID BEFORE 8PM
OPEN THUR-SAT 9PM // 132 E. 2ND STREET // 530.898.9898
FACEBOOK.COM/SYNTHESISCHICO 13
This Week Only...
BEST BETS IN ENTERTAINMENT
Thursday, March 27th
Friday, March 28th
HEDWIG AND THE ANGRY INCH
WAKE OF THE DEAD & IRA WALKER
BLUE ROOM
LOST ON MAIN
The Queen returns to Chico after the groundbreaking renditions of 10 years ago! Hedwig and her band journey through seedy bars and cafes in search of redemption. $13-$20. Plays Thu-Sat at 7:30pm, with 11pm shows on Fri & Sat.
Fantastic music that goes all night for a good cause! Not only will attendance help KZFR in buying their new tower, you’ll hear amazing Grateful Dead jams and the Grammy Award winning blues artist Ira Walker. $8, 9pm.
Thursday, March 27th
Saturday, March 29th
PAGEANT DADS, MARMITS, MINT SHEKELS
STOUTFEST
WINCHESTER GOOSE
CAFE CODA
Big, bold, beautiful stouts that have never been poured in Chico before, courtesy of the Goose. $30 gets you 5 beer tickets and a souvenir glass, $50 gets you all that PLUS 10am entrance and a breakfast of bacon and waffles. Delicious!
This show will be weird. Example: Oregon’s mARMITs dress up as strange space creatures, and they sound like demented Teletubbies who love David Bowie. $5, 8pm.
Other new and exciting things!
24 Monday 229 BROADWAY ST, CHICO, CA
BMU: The Truth About Women And Islam. Free food, arts exhibition, giveaways, lecture. Free, 7pm Mulberry House: Idyl (TX), Fera, Katie Barrett, Lish Bills. 1823 Mulberry St, 8pm Sierra Nevada Big Room: Pale Bock Release Party SOLD OUT 6-9pm
25 Tuesday
Laxson: Diavolo-Thrilling Gymnastics & Dance. $28 Adults, $18 Students, 7:30pm
26 Wednesday
Maltese: Dan Tomassini Tribute Night. 8pm Rowland-Taylor CSU: Tudor Memories. Free lecture. 7:30pm
27 Thursday
LaSalles: Steve Johnson. 6-9pm Lost On Main: Frankie Paul w.
The Melodians, The Yellow Wall Dub Squad, Kabaka Pyramid. $10 before 10pm, $15 after, starts at 9pm Rowland-Taylor CSU: Baroque, Not Broke. CSU ensemble plays Bach. Free, 4pm Sierra Nevada Big Room: Tommy Castro & The Painkillers SOLD OUT 7:30pm Womens Club: Bryan Zoppi: A Perfect 10. An autobiographical performance of story and song. 18+, $10, 8pm
28 Friday
1078: Banned From Earth CD Release, ft. Icko Sicko, Disco Church, and Season Of The Witch. $5, 8pm BMU: Dance Gavin Dance, ft. Icarus The Owl and Clouds On Strings. $5 Students, $15 General. 18+, 8pm Harlen Adams Theatre CSU: Bach For All Time. Rodney Gehrke
EAT. DRINK. PLAY. 229 BROADWAY ST, CHICO, CA 14
SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM MAR 24 2014
Find Out How you Can Play Pool for Only $1/Day!
plays Bach on the Centennial Organ. $15 Adults, $6 Students, 7:30pm LaSalles: Revenge Of The Nerds w. DJ Emvee, 9pm Maltese: Sun Club (Baltimore), Sisterhoods, The Vesuvians. $5, 9pm Monstros: He Who Cannot Be Named, Severance Package, Big Tree Fall Down, Fight Music. $5, 8pm Peeking: Bassmint. Ft. Eyere Eyes, Humpfree Lowgart, and The Digital Connection. $3 before 10pm, $5 after, starts at 9:30pm Womens Club: Silent Film Festival. $10 per film slot, or $25 for festival pass. 6pm, 8pm
29 Saturday
Cafe Coda: Mercy Ties (Seattle), Lifeforms, Armed For Apocalypse. 8pm
Feather Falls: Jeff Pershing Band. 8:30pm Harlen Adams Theatre CSU: Bach And The Search For Perfection. Lecture-demonstration by Rodney Gehrke. 10pm, Free Lost On Main: Vokab Kompany. 9pm Maltese: Shadow Limb, The Shimmies. $5, 9pm Rowland-Taylor CSU: The Beautiful Baroque. Reginald Mobley sings Baroque classics. $15 Adults, $6 Students, 7:30pm Womens Club: Silent Film Festival. $10 per film slot, or $25 for festival pass. 12pm, 2:30pm, 4:30pm, 7:30pm
30 Sunday
Laxson: Jason Mraz. 7:30pm Panamas: Open all night! Music by DJ Ryan D. Senator: Rebelution ft. Common Kings. $22 in adv., 9pm
LESSONS, LEAGUES AND TOURNAMENTS! GREAT FOOD! LIVE MUSIC! 319 Main Street (530) 892-2473
Ongoing Events 24 Monday
100th Monkey: Happy Healing Hour: variety of healing modalities offered to the public. Donations accepted, 5:30pm The Bear: Bear-E-oke! 9pm Cafe Flo: Jazz Happy Hour ft. Carey Robinson Trio. 5-7pm Chico Womens Club: Prenatal Yoga. 5:30-6:30pm DownLo: Pool League. 3 player teams, signup with bartender. 7pm. All ages until 10pm Maltese: Open Mic Comedy or Music, alternates every week. Signups at 8pm, starts at 9pm. Mug Night 7-11:30pm The Tackle Box: Latin Dance Classes. Free, 7-9pm Turner Print Museum: “Angles and Plains” Art Exhibition. University Art Gallery CSUC: Luke Matjas large-scale prints exhibition. University Bar: Free Pool 6-8pm
25 Tuesday
100th Monkey: Fusion Belly Dance class with BellySutra. $8/class or $32/month. 7pm Cafe Flo: Open Mic with Aaron Jaqua. 7-9pm Chico Women’s Club: Yoga. 9-10am. Afro Carribean Dance. $10/class or $35/mo. 5:50-7pm. Followed by Capoeira, $3-$10. 7:30-8:30pm Crazy Horse Saloon: All Request Karaoke. 21+ DownLo: Game night. All ages until 10pm Farm Star Pizza: Live Jazz with Shigemi and Friends. 7-9pm Holiday Inn Bar: Salsa Lessons, 7-10pm. LaSalles: ’90s night. 21+ Maltese: Karaoke. 9pm-Close Studio Inn Lounge: Karaoke. 8:30pm-1am The Tackle Box: Karaoke, 9pm Turner Print Museum: “Angles and
Plains” Art Exhibition. University Art Gallery CSUC: Luke Matjas large-scale prints exhibition. University Bar: Free Pool 6-8pm Woodstocks: Trivia Challenge. Call at 4pm to reserve a table. Starts 6:30pm
26 Wednesday
100th Monkey: Open Mic. All ages. 7pm The Bear: Trike Races. Post time 10pm Cafe Flo: Live Jazz, 5-7pm Chico Women’s Club: Afro Brazilian Dance. 5:30-7pm DownLo: Wednesday night jazz. 8 Ball Tournament, signups 6pm, starts 7pm Duffy’s: Dance Night! DJ Spenny and Jeff Howse. $1, 9pm The Graduate: Free Pool after 10pm Jesus Center: Derelict Voice Writing Group, everyone welcome. 9-10:30am Panamas: Bar Swag Bingo/Trivia Night. 9-11pm The Maltese: Friends With Vinyl! Bring your vinyl and share up to 3 songs/12 minutes on the turntable. 9pm-1am The Tackle Box: Line Dance classes. Free, 5:30-7:30pm. Swing Dance classes. Free, 7:30-9:30pm Turner Print Museum: “Angles and Plains” Art Exhibition. University Art Gallery CSUC: Luke Matjas large-scale prints exhibition. University Bar: Free Pool 6-8pm VIP Ultra Lounge: Laurie Dana. 7-9pm Woodstock’s: Trivia Night plus Happy Hour. call at 4pm to reserve a table. Starts at 8pm
27 Thursday
100th Monkey: Chico Story Slam. Tell a 5-min unscripted personal story for prizes. 7-9pm
LIFE IN CHICO
The Beach: DJ Mack Morris. 10:30pm The Bear: DJ Dancing. Free, 9pm Cafe Flo: Delta Blues Project w. Porkchop Holder. 7-10pm Chico Yoga Center: Ecstatic Dance with Clay Olson. 7:30-9:30pm DownLo: Chico Jazz Collective. 8-11pm. All ages until 10pm The Graduate: Free Pool after 10pm Has Beans: Open Mic Night. 7-10pm. Signups start at 6pm Holiday Inn Bar: Karaoke. 8pm-midnight LaSalles: Free live music on the patio. 6-9pm Maltese: Karaoke. 9pm-close Panamas: Buck night and DJ Eclectic & guests on the patio. 9pm Quackers: Karaoke night with Andy. 9pm-1am Turner Print Museum: “Angles and Plains” Art Exhibition. University Art Gallery CSUC: Luke Matjas large-scale prints exhibition. University Bar: Free Pool 6-8pm VIP Ultra Lounge: Acoustic performance with Bradley Relf. 7-9pm. No Cover. Woodstock’s: Open Mic Night
28 Friday
The Beach: DJ2k & Mack Morris. 9pm The Bear: DJ Dancing. Free, 9pm Cafe Coda: Friday Morning Jazz with Bogg. 11am Chico Yoga Center: Friday Night Dance Jam with Mark Johnson. $10. 7-8:30pm Crazy Horse Saloon: Fusion Fridays, the best country, rock, oldies, 80s & top 40. Country dance lessons 9-10:30pm DownLo: ½ off pool. All ages until 10pm. Live Music, 8pm Duffy’s: Pub Scouts- Happy Hour. 4-7pm The Graduate: Free Pool after
10pm Holiday Inn Bar: DJ Dance Party. 8pm-midnight LaSalles: Open Mic night on the patio. 6-9pm Maltese: Happy hour with live jazz by Bogg. 5-7pm. LGBTQ+ Dance Party. 9pm Panamas: Jigga Julee, DJ Mah on the patio. 9pm Peeking: BassMint. Weekly electronic dance party. $3. 9:30pm Sultan’s Bistro: Bellydance Performance. 6:30-7:30pm Turner Print Museum: “Angles and Plains” Art Exhibition. University Art Gallery CSUC: Luke Matjas large-scale prints exhibition. University Bar: Free Pool 6-8pm
SICILIAN CAFÉ
29 Saturday
The Beach: DJ Mah. 9pm The Bear: DJ Dancing. No Cover. 9pm Crazy Horse Saloon: Ladies Night Dancing. 10pm-1:30am DownLo: 9 Ball tournament. Signups at noon, starts at 1pm. All ages until 10pm The Graduate: Free Pool after 10pm Holiday Inn Bar: 70s and 80s music. 8pm-midnight LaSalles: 80’s Night. 8pm-close Panamas: DJ Eclectic on the patio. 9pm University Bar: Free Pool 6-8pm
30 Sunday
Dorothy Johnson Center: Soul Shake Dance Church. Free-style dance wave, $8-$15 sliding scale. 10am-12:30pm DownLo: Free Pool, 1 hour with every $8 purchase. All ages until 10pm LaSalles: Karaoke. 9pm Maltese: Live Jazz 4-7pm. Trivia 8pm Tackle Box: Karaoke, 8pm
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FACEBOOK.COM/SYNTHESISCHICO 15
On The Town 16
PHOTOS BY JESSICA SID
SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM MAR 24 2014
by logan kruidenier - logankruidenier.tumblr.com
A Little Night Music FARTS AND THE BEAUTY OF SPRINGTIME A couple of nights ago, Mr. Treme made some delicious pulled pork, which started as a culinary experiment and turned out to be one of those ones that just come out beautifully. Accompanied by slaw and beans, it was a poem of a dinner. Of course there would eventually be gastric repercussions, but when you’ve been with the same person for a while (and you’re similarly realistic/ stoic/gross), that usually isn’t much cause for concern. It wasn’t until later, as we were getting ready for bed, that my guts started feeling a little more blurpy than expected. I suddenly remembered that I’d also had stovetop yeast popcorn for breakfast; to paraphrase Ron Burgundy, that escalated things quickly. Lying stiffly in the dark, listening in mortal fear to the increasingly boisterous warbling down below, we realized that this was going to be a memorable night. I don’t know what the hell we were thinking, having a couple of candles going in that situation. Not only was my own digestive soundtrack trending toward Wagnerian, but our amazing dinner was starting to work its magic on Mr. Treme as well. We watched in
I don’t know what the hell we were thinking, having a couple of candles going in that situation. terror as the flames went just a little blue around the edges, too scared to get out of bed to snuff them. (Hiding under the covers would’ve been certain death-by-Dutch-oven at that point.) We tried talking to pass the time, but words like “firedamp” and “backdraft” kept creeping into the conversation, so we eventually quieted down (as far as speaking went, anyway) and just stared sympathetically at the bewildered cat. You’d think her feline
sense of self-preservation would’ve sent her wailing out of the room, but this is a deranged little animal who tries to make sweet love to Mr. Treme’s shirts after he works out. So for all we know, she was enjoying it. Speaking of great reasons to sleep with the windows open… How ‘bout that beauteous spring going on out there? This is my second-favorite season next to autumn, and right now is my favorite part of it. You can tell winter’s officially over (not that it ever started around here this year) by the thick clouds of sweet white and pink blossoms on nearly every tree. Around now is also the start of the short, precious time when Chico’s open fields take on a blissful, verdant glow. As we were returning from a recent trip to the San Joaquin Valley, we saw many a jackrabbit derping drowsily in the farmlands—another sign of spring. When they’re not running in front of cars or otherwise freaking out, jackrabbits are actually pretty chill. They’d congregate around my childhood home in the country (during the times we didn’t have dogs), and would spend most of the day sprawled in the shade. You know how cats do that butt-in-the-air-then-lean-forward thing? It’s truly impressive when a jackrabbit does it; those long-ass hind legs make the forward stretch a sight to see.
Consider the Platypus by Mona Treme
PHOTOS BY JESSICA SID
On The Town
FACEBOOK.COM/SYNTHESISCHICO 17
Fun With Colons! THE PROPER USE OF A COLON
:
Writer gets all up inside a 40 foot replica of a diseased colon! BY EMILIANO GARCIA-SARNOFF PHOTOS BY SUSAN SARNOFF AND HER LITTLE MIJO, EMILIANO GARCIA-SARNOFF
First of all, the colon can only follow a statement that could stand as a complete sentence. I like several punctuation marks:
not I like several:
Second of all, the colon is basically the word “namely.” I like several punctuation marks, namely the colon, the semicolon, and the question mark. I like several punctuation marks: the colon, the semicolon, and the question mark.
Third of all, the colon can precede a list, or an explanation of the first statement. This function can sometimes be served by a semicolon, depending on the structure of the two statements. The deciding factor between use of a colon or semicolon is whether the phrase the punctuation comes directly after is specifically what you are explaining. Substitute the word “namely” to test this. I like several punctuation marks; some are just better looking than others. I like several punctuation marks due to a silly reason: some are just better looking than others.
Fourth of all, a colon can precede a list of complete sentences explaining the first statement. In this case, capitalize the opening letter of the explanation that follows the colon. (If you’re not following the colon with a list of statements, there’s no need to capitalize that first letter.) I like several punctuation marks due to various reasons: Some are funny, like the colon, because it makes me think of an anus. Some are partly funny, like the semicolon, because it partly makes me think of an anus. Some are just cute, like the question mark, because the top part reminds me of a cat’s tail when it wants something, and the little dot at the bottom is like the cat’s anus.
by Amy Olson 18
We’re the S**t!
SYNTHESISWEEKLY.COM MAR 24 2014
Your Faithful Correspondent was growing restless. The Colossal Colon ® was cool, if a little anti-climatic (40 feet is not really as long as you might imagine, all curled up). But then the nurses started handing out “Colonders” (glossy full-color calendars featuring survivor’s tales and scarred midriffs that make C-sections look like paper cuts) and parading around in “Captain Colon” costumes. All the “quirkiness” and ironic fun, designed to “raise awareness,” was a little too contrived to actually enjoy (though not for my 3-year-old son, who made the intestinal loop at least two dozen times, screaming “I’m the diarrhea!”). It was more of an advertising opportunity for Feather River Hospital than anything else. Without knowing what was happening, I was whisked into a timeshare-like tour of their latest linoleum wing. And they had a tie-in event: “Dinner with the Doctor,” wherein one can have a dinner of “grilled Polenta, pecan crusted garden steaks, mushroom risotto, roasted cumin carrots, and kale citrus salad” followed immediately by desert and a lecture on irritable bowel syndrome and anal cancer (Reservations required. (530) 876-7154. Thursday, March 27th at 6 pm. $12). It was working though. I saw at least two other steno pad and SLR juggling journos on puff piece patrol. I wandered off to look for the trucker who’s been Driving Miss Colon. “Yeah, there’s the typical jokes, ‘an asshole hauling an asshole,’ stuff like that,” Mark Gerdes tells me. We’re leaned up on his rig, which is emblazoned with “Colossal Colon” in huge carnival-esque typeface. Gerdes is from Mason, Il. He’s got a little accent and a solid trucker-build, and wears a camocolored anti-colon cancer T and a grey goatee— plus a trucker hat, obviously. Gerdes has just passed his 10-year anniversary as “Coco’s” (as the colon is “affectionately named”) exclusive chauffeur, driving her full time from March
The colon. Chair for scale.
through October. He’s been all over with this thing. His life is forever intertwined with it. In Montreal, Gerdes had his colon x-rayed for contraband. Back in 2007, in Little Rock, AR, he supervised two battalions of firemen who carried her up the 180 steps to the Capital Building.
I ask him if he’s ever made love in the colon, savoring the double entendre as I do.
Though he’s the driver, not the owner, Gerdes and his wife keep Coco in their own home, in a special heated room. Each spring they “touch ‘er up, and give ‘er a cleaning.” Once, in Effingham, Il, Gerdes tells me, when it was too hot to sleep in the truck, he and his wife slept in the The Colossal Colon ®, at its two orifices, under the stars and the polyps.
I ask him if he’s ever made love in the colon, savoring the double entendre as I do. “If we were 30 years younger, we’d have probably thought about it,” Gerdes tells me. I can’t tell if the double meaning has double-penetrated him. “But we do love Coco, though,” he adds, for some reason. Then, growing wistful, Gerdes tells me, “It’s not like the old days.” It turns out that Coco is like an aging rock star. When she first came on the scene, she used to fetch $10,000 (!) an appearance. Everyone wanted to book her. There were gut-groupies and gigs at all the big festivals. But Coco isn’t the hot young intestine she once was. Other oversized colons
St Vincent - St Vincent ALBUM REVIEW BY HOWL
St. Vincent’s new image seems to speak of brand-new musical territory, with her fantastic outfits and her thunder-cloud of teased-up, stormy gray hair. Upon listening to her new album, you find that the image (and the music) is less about new territory, and more about continuing to reveal the strange creature that is singer-songwriter Annie Clark.
The colon’s personal driver and vehicle.
have come on the scene (Coco’s owners had to send a cease and desist letter to a group that designed an inflatable walkthrough Colon. Apparently, they hold a trademark on humongous diseased colon replicas. Though how suing other colons out of existence helps “raise awareness” Gerdes was not really able to give a straight answer to). Now, Gerdes tells me, Coco is lucky to get $2,400. And she’s performing at backwoods locales, like Feather River Hospital, Paradise, CA. Sadly, “what, with the price of gas, ‘en all” Gerdes himself makes half what he once did, back in Coco’s heyday. I picture, for a moment, Gerdes and Coco elegiacally smoking cigarettes and drinking whisky straight from the bottle in small casino parking lots. I ask him if he was worried God would send him an ironic death, and if he’d had a colonoscopy. Gerdes tells me he had just that fear. There were polyps, he tells me. But they were benign. Your Faithful Correspondent goes back to the Colossal Colon ®, which is lying in the driveway like a giant, sleep-coiled caterpillar. Two pre-teen girls are eating cookies and taking selfies in the sphincter. The soundtrack is being provided, quite appropriately, I think, by “Mix 95.1,” which is playing “Today’s Lite Rock,” and broadcasting live from the event. In the context of the Colossal Colon ®, the Lite Rock lyrics take on new, more complex meanings. For instance Seal’s “Kiss From A Rose,” amplified through the colon as if it were a gigantic phonograph bell, brings these words: “And now that your rose is in bloom, a light hits the gloom on the grey,” before breaking into the famed refrain, “my pleasure, my power, my pain.”
With kids behind and in front, I crawl past the ulcerative colitis, which looks like uncooked hamburger meat. Then on hands and knees, past the dark grooves of diverticulosis, pulling myself along by polyps until I come to the precancerous ones, which are more nodular, like salmon-colored apple fritters. One of the kids in front of me rips one, providing a fourth sense-dimension of realism. At last I arrive at the full-blown colon cancer, which covers the walls on all sides. It’s the texture of lava rock and the color of hell fire. Finally the bright light at the end of the tunnel, framed by the pornographicallygaping rectum, lookin’ like I’m the shit for a photo op. Cancer. Why, when life is so precious and so precarious, do I waste so much time concentrating on such silly shit (for examples, see above).
Moments after hitting “play,” her signature brand of glitchy, heavy, synth-laden alt-rock is going full force, as if there had never been a break between albums. The opening track puts you in the right mood straight away, with soaring melodies that pierce your soul when she asks, “Am I the only one in the only world?” St. Vincent’s attempts at the slow jam are a tad hit and miss. I understand her need for them; all the songs here would be the same tempo if they were missing; but a certain creative spark goes out as she drawls out lines like, “I prefer your love to Jesus,” as if she’s as bored with the song as we are.
The high moments in this album make up for the low ones. This chick is still one of the most invigorating and original voices in popular music, and a few songs here are almost flawless—”Bring Me All Your Loves” is instantly tragic, humorous, dance-y, and epic, and it remains so throughout its three-minute running time.
Animals As Leaders - The Joy of Motion ALBUM REVIEW BY CROWN
Who hasn’t heard of Animals As Leaders? With their 2009 self-titled debut, this instrumental “experi-metal” group blew everyone’s minds, mine included. Now, with the addition of Matt Gartska on drums, and friend Misha Mansoor of Periphery as co-writer and producer, Joy Of Motion is the band’s most mature and cohesive release to-date.
My dad died of colorectal cancer two years ago. It was a terrible way to go, with lots of pain, and surgery, and cruelly dashed hope, capped off by weeks with tubes and diapers and agony. It’s very likely I’ll go the same way. The thought terrifies me. I’m 35, and with the family history, it’s time for me to get a colonoscopy.
The album takes you on a 54-minute exploration through vibrant color, groove, and a myriad of musical styles, all while being crushingly faithful to their metal roots. Tracks like “Lippincott” really capture the poly-rhythmic, groovy, and electronically-spiced basis of AAL, while tracks like “Another Year” are emblematic of the album’s well-executed and creative synthesis of vastly different genres. Think ‘80s jazz fusion, video game electronica, latin guitar, and modern progressive metal—and that’s only the beginning.
“It’s like pushing wet spaghetti up a tube,” Nurse Lyndia Logan tells me inside the hospital, as she shows me the light-tipped assscope. “And it just takes 30 to 45 minutes… depending on how many twists and turns your colon has.” I can really see why people die from putting this off, indefinitely.
These men are well known for mind-bending virtuosity and technical innovation. This time around, however, guitarists Tosin Abasi and Javier Reyes display not only fantastic shredder-y, but also an obvious growth in pure musicianship. The shred here feels tasteful— it’s found its place in the music, rather than
getting slapped on top of everything—an error of their past works. While their last release Weightless felt more like an experiment—a study of new-found techniques, styles, and electronic elements—Joy Of Motion is a successful synthesis of what was learned, expressing a matured musical unity. Joy Of Motion drops on Tuesday, March 25th. See them live on Thursday, March 27th at The Assembly in Sacramento.
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Tommy Castro and the Painkillers
Coming to the Sierra Nevada Big Room March 27 BY JAIME O’NEILL If I were Tommy Castro, I’d probably want a word with my booking agent. Castro and his band, the Painkillers, were on the road throughout February—mostly in the Northeast and upper Midwest where the snow was high and the temperatures were low—so Tommy Castro and the band had a right to sing the blues on that tour, for sure. On February 19, they were in Galesburg, Illinois, the next night they were in Bloomington, and the night after that they were in Milwaukee. From there they went to Minneapolis for a gig, then to Lincoln, Nebraska, and on to Littleton, Colorado, Regina, Saskatchewan, and Calgary, Alberta, all in just eleven days. When I asked the San Jose blues guitarist (and Alligator Records recording artist) about all that touring through sub-zero temperatures and heavy snows, he was surprisingly upbeat.
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Tommy Castro is a good interview. He appreciates writers who help promote what he does—and he loves what he does. He was keenly excited about The Devil You Know, his new album, and equally stoked about his relatively new band—the Painkillers. “This album is a part of a new sound I was going for,” he told me. “It’s a little more rockin’, hard driven, contemporary, grittier. Leaner than my past band sound. I was starting to feel like I was in rut, so I had to reinvent the enthusiasm. I liked that stripped down instrumentation I was hearing from groups like the White Stripes, a little along the lines of ‘less is more.’ So now I’ve got a really tight quartet, and I love our sound.” For those who know his guitar work, he’s surprisingly modest about his chops.
“Before we started this tour, we’d been on a blues cruise,” he said in a phone interview from his bus somewhere in Nebraska. “It was a boatload of blues lovers, and those cruise audiences are hard to beat. And we had a little rest in December and early January before we hit the road.”
“I was never a guitar hero, I’m a good guitar player, but I’m first and foremost a songwriter and singer. It’s all about the songs.”
He didn’t, however, minimize the challenges of touring in a winter as bad as this one was back east. “Our tour bus isn’t a luxury vehicle. It’s fairly funky—a blues bus—and there were sub-zero mornings when it needed lots of attention before we could get it going. But we only lost one gig, and that was in Atlanta where there was 2” of snow. They aren’t used to it. We had great turnouts at all the northern shows, in much rougher weather.”
“What we have are people who’ve been following the music all these years,” Castro said, “but we have an influx of younger people. I’m more energized than I’ve been in a long time.”
Tommy Castro is no stranger to these parts, and that local community of blues fans always turns out when he swings by.
That energy will be bringing heat to the Big Room beginning at 7:30 this coming Thursday.
Pubic Hair and Global Warming IS MOTHER NATURE TRYING TO GET OUR ATTENTION?
I recently learned something rather startling that has me worried on a number of fronts. I am a man of a certain age, and for that reason it has been a long time since I’ve been in the presence of nubile young women when they aren’t wearing any clothes. In order to access what I know about the appearance of young women’s bodies, I must rely on increasingly unreliable memory. Memory lapses notwithstanding, however, I do recall rather vividly that one marked characteristic of young women back in my day was that they all had pubic hair. In a stunning change in human evolution occurring in the generation now young, pubic hair is disappearing from the female body. During a recent visit to one of those oldfashioned barbershops that come replete with magazines appealing to male fantasies about naked women, however, I spent some time flipping through recent issues of Playboy and other such publications, and I found to my enormous surprise that young women of the 21st century are, apparently, entirely bereft of pubic hair. Nary a one of those young women in several issues of Playboy had the hirsute pubic adornments I’d once thought standard equipment for adult females.
change was reducing habitat for crab lice, yet another species threatened by changes to the natural world brought on by the warming of the planet. Crab lice, it now appears, can run but they can’t hide, since their hiding places
Manmade climate change was causing emergency permutations in the thermal protection...
What, I wondered, could be causing this evolutionary change in the way hair was distributing itself on the female body? And then it came to me. There could be no other explanation than global warming. Manmade climate change was causing emergency permutations in the thermal protection provided by pubic hair. As the planet was warming, women were shedding hair as a result. The region of the body known to romantics as “the mound of Venus” was now uniformly bare, as ravaged as a clear cut logging site. Shortly after that day in the barbershop, I saw an item in the paper revealing that some 80 percent of current college students were without pubic hair. What a stunning change in human biology. And in such a brief span of time. In the article, scientists worried that this
have receded like the Amazon rain forest. Though most human beings will not lament the loss of crab lice habitat, it’s yet another sign of how increasingly imperiled life on this planet, in general, has become, and how much adaptation we all have to make to the effects of fossil fuels on our environment. One younger guy I know tried to convince me that young women now are just shaving that area of their bodies, but I don’t believe it. The phenomenon is just too widespread, and no generation could be that lockstep in its conformity, especially at such a personal level. The disappearance of pubic hair from female bodies is almost certainly the result of manmade climate change, and it stands to reason that this is nature’s way of getting our attention. After all, if you were Mother Nature and you wanted to get the attention of men, where would you plant the warning?
Old Crock
by Jaime O'Neill jaimeandkarenoneill@gmail.com
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MARCH 24, 2014 BY KOZ MCKEV
Aries
Taurus
Gemini
Cancer
Leo
Virgo
It’s your time to shine this week. Finish off any unfinished business that you meant to complete in the last several months. Think of this as a time to clean up the things that were left undone. You need to start your solar year with a sense of freshness. Relationship issues continue to amaze you. We can’t control others, especially when we have a series of unpredictable shocks and upheavals affecting us. The new moon in Aries on Sunday allows us to see clearly the challenges ahead. Note that every pleasure has its price.
Complications arise when we fail to acknowledge that we often participate in our own undoing. This is a time when things can be hidden from your normal everyday consciousness. Venus moving through your tenth house indicates a need to find or create beauty in your career environment, or to have a romance with someone you work with. Sunday’s new moon will bring about a strong sense of psychic energy. Your best move is to help folks who you know are isolated in some way. Be giving and make good karma happen.
Your quick thinking is needed at the workplace. You are seen in public as being a bright person. There is much on your mind to talk about. Late Tuesday afternoon through most of Thursday are your luckiest times this week. Your focus is on your best friends and on making positive social contacts. Be aware that planning for the future is best done during this period. Pay attention to career moves towards the end of the week. The new moon rules parties, social gatherings and being inspired with others.
You begin the week trying to make the relationships you have work for you. The main emphasis of this season for you is your talents and skills and how you relate to the public. Look as to how your feelings of insecurity might make others feel. Find things that build your confidence as well as the confidence of others. The new moon brings you an opportunity to show your leadership ability. There is a place for conformity, sort of like when everyone recycles or turns lights off that they aren’t using.
Gains and losses will be less of a focus for you this week. You are in a more curious space and have a sense of adventure. You are in a better position to help others. You adopt a more philosophical attitude towards romance and your relationships. Tuesday afternoon through Thursday are best for romance. Keep your patience, as challenges may come up towards the end of the week. The new moon rules good fortune, music, philosophy, long distance travel, and higher education. Be ready to try something new.
Peaceful negotiation isn’t easy with people that don’t want to negotiate. This is a time of year when it’s good to accept other peoples willingness to help you. Monday and Tuesday are good for creative expression. Wednesday and Thursday the focus should be on getting the work done. Friday and Saturday are good for romance and catching a breather. The new moon on Sunday emphasizes birth, sex, death, other people properties and occult studies. Pray about the things you desire, and or feel an urgent need to accomplish.
Libra
Scorpio
Saggitarius
Capricorn
Aquarius
Pisces
Things come into balance for you this time of year. You’ve already begun to prioritize the things you wish to get done. Venus moving through your fifth house has given you more interest in the creative arts, being playful, your children, and having love. You are able to rebound from previous health issues. Seek being with people that motivate and inspire you. The new moon in Aries will bring a sense of peaceful agreements. If you don’t have the love of your life you are more likely to discover one in the coming days.
Life, with its responsibilities and burdens, has proven to be enough for you. It’s like you’ve been climbing the big mountain—just when you thought that you were about to move ahead, other pressures and concerns need to be addressed once again. Your focus is organization, personal health, and working with others. Family, emotional concerns and wanting to go about your personal business isn’t always easy. Help others, and you’ll get out of your own head. The new moon helps you manifest team building, and giving positive service.
I get the feeling that every sign is going through something that is challenging. You are in a space of feeling good and ready to play. You’ve had to accept that much of what gives you pleasure may just be out of your control for now. Your desire to have certain types of experiences seems strong this week. The new moon helps you to be more generous, loving and playful. You may rediscover your own unique creative mojo. All in all you have much to be thankful for.
You are more conscious of your roots and of your family these days. Every action we take has a history as to why, and an impulse as to where. You’re in a more sensitive space where you are focused on your feelings. The people that you want to hang out with are the ones who feel like family to you. Monday and Tuesday are strong days with the moon in Capricorn. Tuesday afternoon through Thursday are good for working on finances. The new moon Sunday is a good day to call your mother, clean your house, and to reflect on good situations.
There is much that needs to be discussed during this time. We truly are in a place where extreme good and extreme evil collide. Light will always overcome darkness in the long run. Even after the sun sets and before it rises, its light begins to illuminate our paths. The moon will be in Aquarius late Tuesday afternoon through Thursday. You have something important to say. The new moon will activate your ability to communicate. Check in with your siblings and with childhood friends.
Your mind is in a place where faith is important once again. Believe in your own intelligence for starters. Thursday evening through most of Saturday the moon will be in Pisces. Your values can be effectively shared during this time. The new moon in your second house on Sunday has to do with reevaluating your finances, your diet, and the things you value. Getting rid of fear is a common theme during the coming days. Doing what is right makes the wrong-doers cringe and look for a place to hide.
Koz McKev is on YouTube, on cable 11 BCTV and is heard on 90.1FM KZFR Chico. Also available by appointment for personal horoscopes call (530)891-5147 or e-mail kozmickev@sunset.net
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