t
SMOKING NOW ALLOWED Read about how Palomar is now a pro-smoking campus after school officals and student government voted unanimously • Page 3
the telescope Palomar College’s Independent Newspaper
the-telescope.com
Monday, April 1, 2015, April Fools’
A dunk so hard the Dome collapsed All
summer classes canceled TAMARA EAKINS MIKE ADAMS THE TELESCOPE
Claudia Rodriguez/The Telescope
JOEL VAUGHN KIRK MATTU THE TELESCOPE
Jeremy Franklin, the 6-foot-6 wall of meat and manhood fueled by protein powder and adrenaline, brought down Palomar’s Dome Wednesday.
The ancient landmark was demolished in Franklin’s pursuit of winning a slam dunk competition, amongst the kinship of the basketball team. Franklin, the arbiter of that sweet, sweet orange ball, has a field goal percentage of 47 accompanied by a decimating 16 points per game.
It’s no surprise that he’s a literal god among men when it comes to dunking in relation to his game record. Honestly, its about time that The Dome came down. The greasy-aging Dome’s structural integrity has been in question since the last dome dunking competition in which the foundation was rocked.
Officials are tossing around plans to replace the dome with a new Charger’s stadium or an ice-skating rink. There are also rumored plans to declare Jeremy Franklin as the god king of basketball, and to build a statue in his honor where his fellow basketball compatriots can worship.
Sheep brains now offered in cafeteria as delicacy FERN MENEZES AMBER ROSARIO THE TELESCOPE
If you have been in Palomar’s cafeteria lately then you will have noticed a change to the menu. A known delicacy in Western Europe, sheep brains is now being offered as a lunch special. Recently in an Anatomy 101 class, students were dissecting sheep and decided to offer the brains of the sheep to the cafeteria. This organ meat is held in high regard for its protein, texture and healing powers. According to Nutritionaldata. com, sheep brains are made up of 74 percent saturated fats, but it’s the good fats. They are loaded with Vitamin C and B12, which, boosts your immune system and gives you a lot of energy. A case in Liechtenstein showed
that after a college student consumed a steady diet of this delicacy for at least 30 days, there was a significant improvement in their grades by going from a GPA of 2.5 to 4.0.
Palomar’s cafeteria offers it in a variety of dishes: with choices of a highly delectable pate, a fried sheep brain fritter, or a hearty soup. The cause for the recent changes to the cafete-
ria’s menu has been the addition of a new chef, Pierre Van Hogenbotton. Van Hogenbottom has won a slew of awards for his culinary expertise. He has cooked for the White House, and appeared on TV programs such as Hell’s Kitchen. During the interview, Van Hogenbottom said: “ I jumped at the anatomy class’ offer of the additional menu item. I knew this addition would vastly improve the food selection at Palomar.” Those that have tried the different dishes have raved about quality and flavor. This comes as no surprise as the organ meat came from grass-fed sheep with a supplemental diet of organic grains. Due to the cooking process the new menu options are only offered between the hours of 3-4 p.m. daily.
With the impending retirement of President Bob Deegan, the entire Palomar faculty has announced their temporary leave of absence over the summer semester, and as a result, all classes have been cancelled until Fall. The reason for the suspension of classes is that faculty was offered a base salary of $1.50 per hour plus incentives for their work. When speaking about her decision to leave her current position, Telescope advisor Erin Hiro felt she was left without a choice. “It was either quit and find a new job for the summer or sell my children,” Hiro said. If enough teaching positions have been filled by scabs by 5 p.m. today, the classes run by the chemistry department will be reopened. Open interviews will be held by the clock tower throughout the day. Please have your portfolios and interview skills ready. If the positions are not filled by the end of the day, Palomar campus will be shut down and made into a military drone research and repair facility for the duration of the summer. All students already enrolled in summer courses have been automatically transferred to MiraCosta and Mesa colleges where they have been placed at the bottom of the waitlist and must stand in the back of the class for the first week. When Palomar College resumes in the Fall, rumors are that former One Direction teen heartthrob/burgeoning solo artist Zayn Malik will take over as President. “My decision to leave 1D is entirely motivated by my thought…no, belief, that Palomar College is the finest institute of higher learning on this planet.” Rumors that Zayn has been trying to coax Niall Horan to join his cabinet as Vice President and more in the next issue of the Telescope.
Palomar bought $15 million asteroid as new mascot STEVEN BURIEK MIKE PETERSON THE TELESCOPE
Palomar College will be purchasing a $15-million asteroid as a new campus mascot, according to school officials. The former celestial body measures 12 feet wide by 6 feet tall, weighs a little over 4 tons and is
made up primarily of iron, nickel and palladium. The money for the asteroid comes from local taxpayers in the Palomar College district. Property taxes make up the brunt of the cost. “I feel like this is an excellent use of school funds,” astronomy professor John Starkey said. “If we don’t have a good mascot, who are
we as a campus?” This 100-year-old goliath space rock was bought from Czechoslovakia’s United Space Center. The center agreed to accept Palomar’s offer to purchase the asteroid after hearing the praise that it would receive in its new home next to the clocktower. The asteroid will be renamed Calamity the Comet and is
planned to be shipped to the San Diego coast on April 6. Although the comet has tested positive for unsafe amounts of radiation in the late 1960s, Czechoslovakian scientist Slovomer Menkov of the USC assured school officials that it was safe. “The space rock had the tendency of giving all who came close in proximity a splitting headache,
fatigue, anxiety and some would hear voices,” said Menkov, “But now it is completely benign.” There is no imminent threat to students, but there will be a barrier rope and students are not allowed to touch the rock. When asked about the difference between a comet and an asteroid, school officials declined to comment.