The Telescope 30 Extra

COLLEGE LOSES ACCREDITATION! Anyone caught believing anything in this issue

will be shot by order of this publication's editors

II

--

Loss maybe • retroactive

In the biggest scoop of the year the Telescope has learned from the highest sources that Palomar College has lost its accreditation.

It is not known whether the decision will be retroactive, including last semester, but it is a fact that. this semester means nothing as far as transferring is concerned.

Initial reactions at the Administration Office were shock and dismay.

Director Bluper was lost for words when contacted for a statement.

"I can't believe that this has happened to the school. We've done nothing in incur such a decision. I'm lost for an explanation."

The decision to strip the school of accreditation came to our attention when a Telescope staffer, after cultivating the favor of one of the party of the accreditation staff, was told of the plan one week before it was to be announced.

The accreditation committee reached its decision last Tuesday and was stalling for time in order that they could prepare a statement that would explain why they had Interested students lined up for the opening of the first coed made such a drastic decision.

It is not known at the moment latrine, yesterday. Relief came for some after nearly four exactly what caused the decision, hours of waiting.

(Photo by Pat Downs) but it is feared that the separate bathrooms for faculty and students are to blame.

When questioned on the subject our source flushed and said that the bathrooms had something to do with the decision but that there was more to it.

Asked why the bathrooms were considered grounds for taking away accreditation the source said, "It is McGland dropped 22. This enhanc- each novel. Finally, after his sixth felt that any school that feels it must ed his reputation greatly. novel came out, McGland went to a separate its students and faculty to The rise of McGland's literary party and discovered that critics such an extent did not meet the spirit reputation was equally "meteoric." were starting unsavory rumors of higher education and should have His first novel, Death of a Milkman, about him. This crushed McGland. its license to teach taken away." was a critical success, and, un- After all it wasn't '1cGland's fault It is assumed that the Administraforunately, an even greater popular that his novels sold well. Anyway he tion will fight the decision, but the success. This popularity distracted left for America the following day. school is relatively powerless McGland - and the critics Shortly after arriving in New against the prestigious accreditaimmensely. But every novel he York City McGland discovered that tion committee. published in the next ten years his reputation was still intact in the Director Bluper said he feared that outsold its predecessor, and, as a states. In the city he had a ball in the Palomar had come to its end, "even result, the reviews worsened with broadest sense. But when he learned if we take the bathrooms out," but that those terrible rumors about him hopes that the accreditation comhad crept across the Atlantic, a mittee would be open to administrafaint cry came to him: "Go west, tion ideas. young man." So he went, skipping through big cities and obscure towns. He describes these towns as I "one-whore towns - until I got there." He stayed in these towns until he ran out of women, or until Today's weather is fair and I those nasty rumors arrived in town, whichever came first. Anyhow, he ~ it is expected to continue until arrived in Progressive Downtown • it rains, in which case, the San Marcos three weeks ago and • days following will be wet and may be leaving soon because ofthis 1 overcast, until the sun comes out and the weather turns fair I article. again.

The only thing McGland now ~ I This report brought to you writes is his name. This alone ~

by Palomar's Bureau of I qualified him for the job. When he Changing Affairs, is expected I isn't scribbling out his name, ~ New Palomar president to hold true throughout eterniGimpshot McGland at are- McGland can be seen playing "pong," which game he has ~ ty. (P.S. - We have never cent oral engagement. made a wrong prediction.)

(Continued on page 3) (Photo by Keith Raetz)

THE TELASNOOP McCornhick will teach Harold Bobbins coarse That illustrious haranguer, Ken McCornhick, will teach a class this summer on the masterpieces of Harold Bobbins. The novels of the master prose stylist which will be studied are: The Lusty Lady, The Carpetbeggars and 69 Porno Avenue.

McCornhick admittedly is excited about teaching the class." Admittedly I'm exicited about teaching the class," says McCornhick. "Bobbins belongs right up there with Conrad and Joyce. He's a credit to America.

In fact, he's America's only credit, besides myself of course."

Slides borrowed from Salacious Laboratories Inc. will accompany the lectures.

Novelist Gimpshot McGiand will begin iob as president on July 1 Palomar's new president is novelist Gimpshot McGland. The selection was made yesterday, two months after the narrowing-downprocess began. McGland, who seems eminently qualified for the job, will assume his duties on July 1.

McGland, 53, was born 53 years ago in Glandpool, England, son of prominent parents Percy and Butch Gland, after whose ancestors and a Jarge local cesspool the town was named. Young Gimpshot, who liked girls, left home when 13, complaining of the lack of female visitors to the house. He found a flat in London, changed his name to McGland and lost several jobs. When 19 McGland decided that working wasn't worth his time, so he finally accepted the lavish offers of several ladies twice his age and lived "the jittery life of a gigolo."

Soon MeG land mastered the practice of combining the necessary bohemianism of the artist with the demands of London High Society, of which he was now a · member. He learned the proper position of the "pinkie" on certain occasions; and he could drink, brag and fight with anyone at his clubs. Once, McGland recalls, he won a drinking bout with Dylan Thomas. The great Welsh poet was out after 18 shots, while

---- ---Weather or not. ..

t

PALOMAR PUPILS PARCHED

Drips banned on campus

Dome is doomed says Bucky boy Buckminster Fuller, 80 year old designer and architect of Palomar's geodesic dome, was struck by a reality last Wepnesday, during a visit to the campus.

As Fuller entered the Dome, a 2" x 3" piece of ceiling insulation fell and hit him , stunning the elderly gentleman for a few seconds.

"Whether I like it or not," Fuller later said, "my invention is long overdue for repairs."

When construction of the Dome was completed in March of 1959, it was considered the the most logical way-to shelter a large area with the least amount of materials and cost.

"I never considered the excess cost of maintenance because of defective materials," Fuller said regretfully.

"I wonder if that's the reason that nothing is being done to repair my creation."

The slow progress in relation to the repairs seems to upset Fuller, who has received many comments as to the value of his invention.

"I was very insulted once when someone told me that the structure reminded them of a pan of Jiffy-Pop that was ready to eat." Fuller jokingly adds, "If they could see it now, they'd think someone was eating parts of the ceiling."

Most visitors to the Dome must get the same feeling. How can one feel secure while viewing a game, if the clamour of the audience and the vibration caused by the players is enough to shake sections of the insulation loose?

"As it stands now, the Dome is not functioning as efficiently as I had planned . Repairs seem unavoidable."

In reference to his attitude toward the safety of the dome, Fuller feels, "There is no immediate danger as I see it, but there is always the possibility of accidents."

School board members unanimously passed a new ruling that will drastically limit our water consumption on campus.

The board has long been concerned about our state's severe water shortage and recommends that immediate action take place to help alleviate this problem. The ruling will affect students and faculty who utilize, in any manner, the water supply on campus. Mandatory water rationing will be as follows: 1) Students participating in sports and who feel they must shower should use only a minimum amount of water. This can be ac¡ complished by turning on the shower for an estimated ten seconds to wet their bodies. Turn off the water to soap and then once again turn on the shower to rinse. Approximately twenty seconds per shower should be allotted for each student. Extra towels will be on supply to wipe off any soap residue and it is suggested that students increase their use of deodorant.

Along this same line, a voluntary buddy system for showering was recommended by board members.

To encourage this idea, co-ed showering will be available but only to the very conscientious students.

An alternative suggestion for use of the showers was to ring a bell every hour on the hour during daytime class hours at which time all showers will automatically go on

Fuller proposed th1s paperous form of insulation because it absorbs noise and it is light weight.

"Thank God it is so light weight."

Fuller admits, " Somebody might be able to sue me if the material had been any heavier and someone was injured by it."

In its present molting state, the Dome has forfeited many financially advantageous opportunities.

Palomar was by-passed as a An evening of Beethoven, Mozart prospective sight for the National and Foonman will be presented Frisbee Throwing Championships Monday by the famed Tyrolean because of "hazardous conditions." Troll Trio at 8 in Room P-32.

At any rate, if the designer of the The trio, first heard in Innsbruck structure says something must be at the '76 Winter Olympics playing done, then something should be the ocarina and ukulele accompanidone. ment to Dorothy Shammel's prize Fuller envisions a Utopia where winning free-style figure skating there are mass-produced houses that program, has quickly risen to interweigh 70 pounds each. These struc- national heights. tures are made from waste Munchie Merkyn, base ocarina materials. player and most outspoken member Looking at the Dome, one wonders of the group, attributes this rise to if Fuller didn't incorporate this the guide wires harnessed to their idea into his past designs . backs during performances by their road manager Peter Pan Pankowski.

"Peter never lets us down," says M unchie proudly.

Committee investigations began "Sometimes for as long as two or yesterday on the controversy of three days at a time if we don't cut unorthodox classes proposed for the him in on the ticket sales," says fall semester. arranger and classical ukulele Those classes under question are: specialist for the group, Wimp a nutrition class entitled, "Healthy Feeback, rubbing his spine.

Eating on $2.50 A Week;" a music When asked about the reason for course, "Making and Playing the the guide wire gimmick in an Gutbucket;" a history class, "The otherwise low-key act, Merkyn exLies That History Told Us;" a class plains: "It was either that or trying on "Speak,ing Your Mind Through to play the entire 1812 Overture with Body Language;" and an advanced full 'popgun accompaniment on P .E. class on Minature Golf. stilts."

There is no word yet as to how the "Very few people realize it, but committee will vote, but there is a trolls are actually quite short," says rumor that the committee is seeking Feeback standing under a chair. a psychological analysis of the "Successful concerts are visual as instructors who proposed the well as audible." courses.

"By raising ourselves above stage

for five minutes. This last motion was tabled for future consideration.

2) An estimated five gallons per flushing can be saved on the use of toilets by pairing up for this use.

Each flushing uses approximately ten gallons of water and, therefore, each student will be asked to flush only if he or she is the second person to use such facility. "This procedure will actually cut the water consumption in half," said a board member.

He added, "If, however, after an allotted time, students and faculty do not abide by this ruling, the student government will have to enforce it. Members of the council could take turns at the restroom doors, passing out yellow tickets.

Individuals who receive the yellow ticket will have to be the one to flush the toilet."

3) Water faucets will be turned off except at peak class hours, 9 a.m. to 11 a .m. and again from 1 p.m. to 2 p.m. every other day. Students are encouraged to carry salt tablets with them.

4) All sprinkling will be terminated at once. "The watering of school grounds is an unnecessary waste," says heads ground keeper, Henry Gurgle. "If need be, we could easily strip the campus grass and substitute either artificial turf or decor rocks. As for the rest of the greenery and trees -well, they've had a healthly start and hopefully (Continued on page 3)

Famed Tyrolean Troll Trio will highlight Foonman

Classes questioned

floor level, we can reassure the audience that our music isn't being created by a tape recorder," says Merkyn.

"Or an asthmatic walrus," adds Feeback solemnly.

This high-class addition to the group's already praiseworthy act, also keeps the trio from becoming a pair. Avid Tyrolean Trio followers will recall its prefame quartet days before the untimely demise of the lead singer, Henri Schplatt on the heel of one of the prop men.

Among the prizes recently awarded the Trio was the coveted first prize in the International J. Irving Flup Trio and Zither competition held last fall before a record setting crowd in Cumengetcha, Vermont. A recording contract with Deficit Discs followed, and their newest album

Tyrolean Tunes for the Young and the Constipated should be released early next month.

During their latest worldwide tour, a reviewer stated unequivocally: "They can neither ¡be surpassed nor equaled by any of today's top flight trolls."

Tickets for the Monday evening concert are available from the little guy in the munchkin suit who will be swinging through the cafeteria on a guide wire at noon all this week.

Prices are $2 for general admission and $1 for students and persons under 1V2 feet tall.

Giordano promises iobs and buggers

Prudent Placement officer, Ronaldo Giordano (second from left), caught here in a somber mood, shares a typical midmorning coffee break with his three highly competent student buggers.

Find yourself during psychotic weekend "Finding yourself and letting everyone else know," is the goal of the Identity and Assertiveness Training Workshop to be held this weekend in the Psychotic Wing of the San Marcos Mental Hospital, 1140 West Mission Ave., from 4 a.m.

Saturday to 4 a.m. Monday, March 43.

Leading researchers in the fields of identity and assertiveness will be at the workshop. Foremost in identity is Dr. Hugh Ameye who has successfully found himself and several others in such places as theaters, resturants, banks, and shopping centers. "Those of us in identity have worked long, hard

Sprinkling nixed (Continued from page 2) will survive."

5) Cafeteria water consumption will follow the lead of local restaurants and be served only upon request of the patron. An added new product, dehydrated water will be substituted for real water from time to time. Ice will be entirely eliminated along with tea and coffee.

Board members added that they would like to see students and faculty carry through with these water rationing measures in their private lives. They feel that if followed consistently, the average water consumption could be cut by at least 1.3%.

For further information, questions or recommendations, call ext. 448.

hours finding each other and some sessions run lateintothenights. But we are happy with our results as only a few of our patients have ever lost themselves," said Dr. Ameye.

The Workshop will be split in half with Dr. Ameye leading Saturday's session. He will focus on personal searches and would like participants to supply pictures of themselves if they can find them. H.e plans on using the latest techniques in the field such as credit cards and birth certificate identification.

A new field of mental health assertiveness training - will be the second part of the Workshop. After everyone has found him or herself, Ms. Doit Miway will continue on with her formula for helping people get what they want - no matter what it is.

"I have helped people get their way in such things as report cards, job raises, and of course, arguments," said Ms. Miway, who dropped out of twelve colleges, switched jobs several times and boasts scars from some hard fought fights. "I feel a person has to sometimes really be ready to fight for what he wants," she said. Ms. Miway will discuss the finer points of slugging as opposed to flippingoff. Group participation will be included in lab classes after the lectures.

The workshop is open to anyone who either doesn't know who he is or who has never gotten his way.

Participants are asked to leave chains and knives at home, but bring toys and blankets to be used during the breaks.

"Job hunting problems for spring graduates can be somewhat alleviated by following an organized strategy and by knowing someone in the Mafia," says Director of the Palomar Prudent Placement Office, Ronalda Giordano.

"The main reason that so many students are presently unemployed is that they don't have jobs," reveals Giordano after much thought.

According to the office, the first step in finding a job is to set up sources for job leads. One way this can be accomplished is through private placement agencies.

"Just be sure it says nothing on the bottom of the contract about three-year placement fees or firstborn sons," says Giordano.

Department chairpersons, the Yell ow Pages and hulking relatives with ball bats backing up the student on interviews are all potential means by which to gain employment, but the Prudent Placement Office is specifically set up to handle the student's job needs.

"The main key to securing employment is in bugging the hell out of employers," says Giordano.

The office employs three full-time student buggers recently supplied with brand new Palomar cots and coolers full of beer and cheese sandwiches who are highly trained to effectively move in on any potential employer.

When asked about the efficiency of the bugger system, Giordano states that most employers now break down and hire the Palomar student in only a few days as opposed to the former two to threeyear period.

"Usually the employer tires quickly of having to reach over a 250 lb. bugger postrate on his desk top every time he has to answer his phone. Butifthatdoesn'tdoit, being bonked on the head every ten

minutes by a well aimed empty bugger beer can will wear him away in a matter ofhours," says Giordano proudly.

The Prudent Placement Office operates for all students, freshman to deceased, and maintains both part-time, full-time or whenever-y~>U­ feel-like-showing-up job opportunities.

The office is located in a closet behind file cabinet number three in hallway numberfiveofbuildingT-4.

The Placement Opportunity Boards are located on top of the clock tower and should be checked frequently to discover new job openings and to entertain the students on the union patio.

Students are urged to stop in and see Ronaldo Giordano and his staff because he'll be out on his ear if more don't start showing up.

New president (cont.) mastered. We played as I interviewed him and he shut me out. He has already talked td other college presidents in the Mission Conference about setting up "pong" as a sport. He wouldn't elaborate on the conversations.

MeG land has been reading a great deal of Thurber lately and is becoming increasingly hostile toward women. Indeed, McGland plans to demote all women instrutors. "Let 'em work in the cafeteria ... no, then they might poisen me. Let's put 'em all in the Child Care Center," he said.

McGland says he plans to make the "R" building a beer hall, because "toilet stall sages may be converted into beer hall philosophers, thereby ridding our restrooms of graffiti."

To get inspiration for more proposals McGland plans to spend much of the summer walking up and down Black's Beach in a tuxedo.

Shy, demure Prudence Prevert has "found herself'' thanks to the Identity and Assertiveness Training Workshop and is letting the rest of the campus know it.

• (Photo by Carole Charfauros)

Run's future

in ieopardy as falls rise An increasing number of near serious accidents on Palomar's ski ramp has resulted in an argument over whether or not the artificial ramp should continue to be used.

Rob Lusty, ski class instructor, is in a bsolute favor of the ramp's continued usage despite the "misfortune" of five broken legs, two broken wrists a nd a concussion which seven of his pupils sustained this semester. " I think our ski instruction program here at Palomar is a vital part of our physical education depar tment. The misfortune of a few begin ners should not terminate the usage of the ski ramp which would lead to the termination of the entire ski instruction program."

The opposing party leader, John Taylor, whose common sense ma tches his gold medal giant slalom petiorma nce in the 1968 Winter Olympics, is hopeful that both the ramp a nd the ski program will be stopped not only because of the injuries but mainly because of the serious excess of skiers today.

"Any halfwit can see that the lack of new ski a reas and the tremendous a mount of new skiers is causing an en ormous glut. If anything, we should dissuade -new or potential skiers a nd not induce them with college classes. Perhaps the recent injuries on the ski ramp are a blessing and maybe Mr. Lusty will realize that he is doing more harm than good and his inane p\-ogram will cease."

Footballers cheat to pass T he entire football team has been accused by the California State Testing Burea u of cheating on a mentality test, a part of a George Trot state survey on the effect of college football.

All team members and coaches took the test on March 13. When the tests were graded three days later in Sacramento, the scores were found to be exceptionally high.

"Their scores were so high that th ey almost matched those of the avera ge person. That's when we became suspicious," said Carl Ralston, CSTB chairman.

An investigation has alleged the use of crib notes which were found four days after the test still taped to the bodies of many athletes and coaches.

"Some athletes went so far as to copy the alphabet on their fingernails. Others were less sly with multiplication charts etched into their foreheads," Ralston said.

Comet coach, Bruno J ockurski said, "We almost pulled this one off.

It was a tough test and with a little more practice I firmly feel that my boys can toughen up and conquer it.

We'll get 'em next time."

Health 21 men near victory in the hot air was inflated with excess air from the balloon rolling contest, Monday. The balloon Counseling Office.

(Photo by Debbie Pope)

EXPECTS 'CRAPPY' YEAR

Squintsalot eyes season With three of last season's top inhale before every match.

Sewer Exploration rulebook, Squint"Old Hogger could just float like a salot cited "a couple paranoid tunnelers gone, spelunking coach cork in those pools," says Damprot, parents" for voting it through.

Mole Squintsalot is expecting " a now fully recovered from the exdownright crappy year."

"Just because their kid didn't Last season, the Comet spelunk- posure he suffered at Black's Beach. make it back in time to get his name ing team took an unprecedented first "I can't tell you how many times I've inscribed on the trophy, these place in the Southern California ¡ grabbed hold of one of Hogger's parents want the whole team to Cave and Sewer Exploration Com- chins to keep myself afloat during suffer. It really screws up our next petition with a 7-3 found!lostrecord. sudden tidal rushes of water." season believe me."

McFeanie, along with two more of "We almost lost that title," says Asked what the strongpoint of the coach Squintsalot, admiring last last season's spelunkers, are still present team is, Squintsalot stated it year's three foot tall trophy of a lingering in the "lost" column, would probably have to be their spelunker h a nging out of a giant causing much distress for this year's uncanny deftness at flashlight bat's mouth amid a cluster of stalac- team. stealing from opponents standing "The lost spelunker record is near large holes. tites. cumulative from season to season," The Comet record stood at 6-4 until The team's first meet will be held Mossy team captain Alvin Dam prot explains Squintsalot. "So unless a was finally found by his teammates couple of those turkeys start show- today at 7:30p.m. in the notorious crawling along Interstate 5 two ing up somewhere, we go into our Chaffey College Caverns. For those students interested in Palomar weeks after his descent into a little first meet with an 0-3 record."

When asked why this unfair lost spelunking memorabilia, last year's used cave off Black's Beach.

Damprot's return added another spelunker carryover clause was ever trophy and unsurpassed flashlight "found" to the Comet statistics, incorporated into the official collection will be on display in the giving them a season record of 7-3 Southern California Cave and student union all this week. and the above mentioned trophy.

"Those three losses from last season are really going to make it hard for us to keep our heads above water this year," sighs Squintsalot, Street racing made a comeback got the idea to sanction such a race, tenderly polishing the trophy. last Wednesday when NCRR (North NCRR president Tom Loudpedal "Without Hogger McFeanie's sup- County Road Racers) announced said, "Sitting in line trying to get out port this season, our boys will have a that they will hold a street race over of Palomar at noon was the only cue tough time getting through those the Palomar College access road and I needed." underground pools that caves often Misson Road next Monday.

Loudpedal went on to say that produce." they expected over 300 entries but The race will be run under For- that most of those were "Just kids in When asked what techniques McFeanie used to make him such a mula Libre rules, race what you Chevys." Loudpedal said he would valuable spelunker, Coach Squin- brought, and there will be no re- run his super trick 917 30K long tail salot cited the 275 Sara Lee quirements as to driver ability.

Porsche, which, "Ought to impress chocolate cakes McFeanie used to When questioned as to where he ¡ the natives."

Race around campus slated