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Recital to rid rampaging rodents}

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April1, 1990

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Vol. 2, No. 1

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Free!

Rats munch~~~ botanical ~ • spec1mens and homework!

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PRESIDENT tr ~ GRAPPLES CROCS ~,/~ FOR NEW BOOTS! ~ 1lt ~ _cc

EVIL FIEND HAUNTS SET OF 'MERRY WIDOW'SCARES CAST!

Biology Prof. turns into giant Easter Bunny!!

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TEACHER REDUCES JOKESTERS TO PINT-SIZE!

By ROMAN KOENIG

Two students agitated their teacher with pranks so much that he shrank them to the size of Keebler Elves!

"They're down to the size of Keebler Elves, and that's just the way Ilik:ethem!" exclaimedNeo-99 Adviser Russ Jackson, who shrunk the brats down after they put a bucket of eggs over the door of his office! The eggs fell on his head when he opened it. classes," added Chris Masters, the "I had to see to it that those two whippersnappers were made an example of, so I caught them and put them in my patented peopleshrinker machine," he madly continued.

The people-shrinker machine Jackson developed is modeled after the one that shrank Mike Tee vee in the story "Charlie and the ChocolateFactory."

"I saw it in the movie and read about it in the book, and I thought that it would be a very useful teaching tool in my classes," he said. "So I made one for myself, and it took me over seven years to complete it!

Those two were the ftrst real people I shrunk, and thank heavens it work~!"

STUDENTS ACTUALLY IKE CHANGE OF SIZE!

PINT-SIZED Matt Watkins was shrunken after a practical joke on instructor Russ Jackson! ,

Jackson says that whenever students in his class misbehave or come in late to class, he takes the two shrunken men and holds them in his palm as an example of what will happen to any student who shows disrespectful behavior.

"It's. quite effective," he added enthusiastically.

"You know, these guys thought that they were really cool dudes," he continued. "But I showed them who was boss and put them in their places!"

"We are cool," shrunken student Matt Watkins slyly replied. "We may be small, but the prank was worth it. Being the size of a Keebler Elf is a total trip!"

"Hey, man, we've got our own cage with food and we're really popular with the people in his

other shrinking victim.

Jackson says that the two will be extremely useful to Palomar's radio station, Neo-99.

"They can help us in the area of public relations," he said. "I think they would do very well doing intricate work on some of the complex electronic equipment."

"And they're so cute being so little!" exclaimed an enthusiastic Carly Starr, Neo-99's public relations director. "They're the perfect size, they have great personalities ... Oooh! They're just perfect!"

"I assured the parents that their sons are in no danger," commented Jackson. 'They're getting their education, they're being treated humanely, and they will be enlarged to their original sizes at the end of the school year."

The guys, themselves, are in no hurry to be returned to normal.

"I could stay this way forever!" concluded a content Watkins. "It's a totally radical existence!"

"As long as I have my buddy Matt with me, I won't mind it either," added Masters. "The only problem is that we can't get girls because of our sizes."

"They shouldn't worry," Jackson calmly said. "It's a two-way street for them. If they're patient, they'll have all the girls they want when they are returned to their natural sizes. Or, on the other hand, if any woman in my class just so happens to push me over the edge like those two runts did, they'll get their opportunity early."

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PRESIDENT GRAPPLES HUNGRY CROCS FOR NEW .PAIR OF BOOTS!

By LARRY BOISJOLIE

During the week he's a mild-mannered superintendent/ president, but on the weekends, he's a vi.cious killer of giant crocodiles!

Every weekend for the past 17 years, Dr. George Boggs has been traveling to the rugged Australian outback in search of the killer reptiles so he can add a new pair of crocodile-skin boots to his famous collection of cowboy boots.

such beast was the 'Melbourne menace,' a forty-foot-long monster that savagely munched half of the thriving metropolis's population.

"It was a big sucker," recalled Boggs. "It was as large as a Winnebago with razorsharp teeth that were about twelve inches long!"

Boggs finances his trips down-under with

"I want to have a pair of boots that would make Imelda Marcos turn green with envy," commented Boggs.

What started out as a "quest for the perfect boots" has turned into a dangerous and exciting hobby for Boggs.

"It's no longer the having that's important," said Boggs. "It's the getting!"

An avowed environmentalist, Boggs said he only goes after crocodiles that are known to be man-eaters and threats to society. One

to fly baggage-class to Australia each week.

However, he said he has not earned enough to pay for hotel lodging.

"I prefer to camp out with the Aborigines anyway," commented Boggs. "They've taught me all kinds of neat dances, and I've taught them the two-step. It's quite a cultural exchange actually!"

Even though most crocodile hunters use guns and knives in fighting the creatures, Boggs said he prefers the bare-handed approach.

"Guys who use weapons are wimps," said Boggs. "I prefer the method developed by George Bush!"

Boggs said he first developed an interest in fighting large reptiles after watching an old Tarzan movie staring Johnny Weismuller. He said he liked the way the macho jungle-dweller fought the beast hand-to-

In all seriousness folks

hand.

In his encounters, Boggs has received only minor injuries.

"The 'Perth predator' gave me quite a bout," cited Boggs. "He nearly bit off my right leg!"

Even though Boggs has been slaying the giant beasts for nearly two decades, he still has not found a hide worthy of his boot collection.

"I need to find a croc' that has relatively thin skin. Most of the monsters I've conqueredhave just been too scaly," he steamed.

According to Boggs, the popular movie "Crocodile Dundee" was based on his life story. He said he turned down the leading part because ofhis responsibilities as superintendent/president.

"Paul Hogan did a good job in the part," he said. "He even looks a lot like me!"

•••

The events depicted in this issue ofThe Tellascoop are entirely contrived. None of this material reflects in any way the character or actions of any persons cited in this publication.

All events are fabricated. This issue is to be used solely for the entertainment of the student body and faculty of Palomar College.

DR. BOGGS prepares for battle in front of the Perth 'P' before slaying yet another man-eating crocodile!

Tellascoop April1, 1990

3

By KAREN TROXELL

Today, orbiting around Palomar College,,are two of the college's satellite campuses. The Pauma satellite and the Escondido satellite are about 200 feet above the college going

around and around!

What are they doing here, and what is their purpose?

Palomar student Honcho Dubois described them as "two moons orbiting their own planet."

"We have been trying to make contact with them, but they are not responding to our efforts," said President/ Superintendent of Palomar College, Dr. George Boggs.

"We think that all of the students and teachers who were in class at the time of takeoff are stuck up there," said Boggs.

Shannon Sullivan, a lifetime student at Palomar College who also attends the Escondido Satellite, blurted out, "I wish I was up there with them . I think it is totally cool that they are learning in space.

"Maybe they'll beam me up," she hinted.

Sullivan's mother, Kathy Sui-

!ivan, also a Palomar student, had a different view on the situation, screaming, "This is an outrage!

How do they e~pectnew students to attend classes way up there?!"

No one seems to know how this happened, or why. The FBI and the CIA have been on the scene since about 6 a.m. this morning.

CIA agent Frederick Bronson said, "There seems to be some shield around the satellites, so we can't penetrate from the air."

Helicopters have been hovering over the two satellites since 10 a.m. this morning in an at-

tempt to rescue students and teachers, but with no luck.

FBI agent, Borus Hobbs, said discreetly, "Russia thinks we're up to something, but we're at a total loss ourselves."

At press time, there were too many students and staff standing around with eyes toward the sky, completely bewildered. Many have their own speculations as to why this event has occured. Some like it, some fear it, and some don't think about it at all.

This reporter is defintteiy sticking with this story.

[ID0@[L@@W lf~li\©[J{J~OO lJOOli\00®~©00~® · lf© @O@li\OOIJO© [IDlWWJOOW 00li\[ID[ID01J~ ~ into an eight-foot ports, "Before we knew it, Mr. Ebert's clothing miLast night, as human Easter bunny! raculously turned into white " It was incredible!" stugenetics instructor dent Paul Epstein ex- fur, and long, white whiskRobert Ebert was dis- claimed. "When he was ers grew out of his tiny, cute, cussing genetic muta- discussing genetic muta- pink nose. A few moments later, his voice disappeared tions, a classro~m of tions at about 7:30p.m., a into silence as his whiskers students sat in amaze- pair of giant, white, pink- moved up and down." ment as their profes- centered ears popped out the The class apparently just sat top of his head!" and stared, unable to move. sor slowly mutated Another wide-eyed stu- However, when the giant rabbit

By JOANNA DEMITER

4

Tellascoop dent, Amy

April1, 1990

Billings, re- began hopping around the room

throwing brightly-colored eggs, the students all ran for the door.

Some of the students shrieked as the bunny followed them outside. They felt somewhat relieved when it ran out of eggs, and instead, started devouring the green lawn by the flagpole.

Crowds of students gathered around to watch the spectacle.

One psychology instructor said, "The power of the mind is incredible. Mr. Ebert must have been thinking about spring break and looking forward to Easter."

As the crowd grew larger and louder, the giant bunny rapidly returned to human form. Its white fur changed back into clothing and its fuzzy ears disappeared.

Moments later, Ebert was normal again and on his hands and knees. All at once, he stopped nibbling on the grass and stared at his audience. He stood up, and with a wide grin on his face proclaimed, "Just call me Ebert bunny. How's that for a demonstration of a human genetic mutation?"

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By ROMAN KOENIG

An unseen force of evil is terrorizing the Palomar College Community Theatre! Yes, the theater has its very own Phantom, and he is wreaking havoc on the set of "The Merry Widow!"

"I thought I was going to die!" exclaimed frantic leading lady Mary

J aeb after 20 sandbags fell within inches of her during a dress rehearsal two weeks ago.

"They just appeared out of nowhere," she said. The sandbag incident is just one of many near-deadly pranks that the Phantom has played on the cast.

The most dramatic attack occurredonMarch 16, when The Phantom posed as Dr. George Boggs during the" A Night in Paris" openingnight ceremony for charity.

In fact, thefirst-everphoto of the masked prankster was taken at the reception while he was posing as Dr. Boggs and talking to "Merry Widow" director Pat Larmer.

"I was sure I was talking to Dr. Boggs," said a surprised Larmer. "He sounded just like him, he looked just like him. Everything about him was pure Boggs right down to the cowboy boots!"

Photographer Alison Lake said shivers ran up and down her spine when she realized that the image on the photograph was not of Dr. Boggs!

"This photo is one for my personal record books," said an elated Lake. "I never thought I had the ability to photograph apparitions like The Phantom!" As a result of' her surprise shoot, Lake says that she is now seri-

ously considering a career in photographing spirit phenomena.

According to Larmer, The Phantom has been making mischief at the theater since rehearsals for "The Merry Widow" began. In fact, all pastattemptsatphotographing or capturing the evil theater-dweller have failed.

Jaeb is scared for her life.

She claims that The Phantom has threatened to kid-

THIS AMAZING PHOTO captured the terrorizing Phantom on film with director Pat Larmer during the opening celebration of the 'Merry Widow.'

'I opened the door and in came the whoosh of a black cape, ... it was him!' nap her and take her down to his dwelling in the sewers of San Marcos.

"After opening night I was alone in my dressing room," she nervously explained to The Tellascoop, "when I heard a knock at my door.

Naturally, I thought it was Dan (Leal), my co-star.

"Well, I opened the door and in came the whoosh of a black cape, . . . it was The Phantom! He cornered me and tried to grab my arm. He said, 'Come with me to my home and whisper sweet lines to me!'

"Then Dan came just in time. In a black whoosh The Phantom just disappeared, and I haven't seen him since!"

Leal says that The Phantom gets very jealous of anyone who comes close to her.

"He loves her, but I know she doesn't love him," he said. "Last Saturday, as a matter of fact, The Phantom's invisible hands tried to choke me as I courted Mary's character on stage right in the middle of the performance!"

He complained that the grip around his neck was so strong he almost fainted on stage. He tried to pry the invisible hands from his neck, but to no avail.

"It was pretty embarrassing," quivered a frustrated Leal.

In yet another performance

lastFriday, ThePhantomappeared on stage and threatened the audience.

"He told us that he has put a curse on this show," cried Peter LaMancha, who saw the show that night. "I heard that on Saturday, one of the actors was choked on stage."

Witnesses of The Phantom's timely appearance that night were then scared out of their seats as he bawled out a deep, baritone laugh, the lights dimmed, and a huge crystal chandelier appeared and hovered over the panicking crowd. As he laughed, the chandelier fell and the Phantom was gone, just as the gargantuan collage of glass and metal hit the stage and disappeared as ~

t ••

well.

"Curse or no curse, we're still going on," a defiant Larmer bolstered. "Besides, I don't believe in thathokeypokey stuff, anyway."

Since the climax of activity last week, no other incidents have occurred. However, both the cast and crew remain weary of the ghostly intruder.

"We know what he can do," said Jaeb, determinately. "We are ready for him, whenever he comes back. I'm not afraid of him anymore because I know he can't really hurt us. After all, the show must go on."

Tellascoop April1, 1990

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By JONATHAN YOUNG

By request of Botany Instructor Wayne Armstrong, the theater and music departments are collaborating on a new show, the "Pied Piper," to rid Palomar of its rat problem.

The rats, discovered in the botany department rooms that include LS-2 and Armstrong's office, reportedly have eaten botanical specimens. Armstrong explained that he not only lost seeds for the cultivation of botanical specimens, he has lost a giant 50-foot squirrel captured last year to the rats hungry tongues.

"I loved that squirrel," lamented Armstrong.

Armstrong finally requested

Recital to rid rampagâ&#x20AC;˘ng rodents â&#x20AC;˘

the performance because life science students began using rats as an excuse for lost homework and damaged books. "The rats ate it," students kept telling him.

Music instructor David Chase is heading the musical composition.

Although Chase has kept the score secret from those outside the music and theater departments, the butcher of his secretary's aunt told the Tellascoop exclusively that he was putting it to a Russian tempo.

Chase is on tour now in the Soviet Union with the La Jolla Symphony Chorus, so confirmation is almost certain.

The final score will be FAXed two hours before the performance to ensure the secrecy is kept and the rats do not eat the sheets of music.

Musician Claire I. Net feels that seeing the score so close to the opening night is pushing it, but is confident that Chase's music will inspire her to play her instrument with flair and excitement, and with

no mistakes of course.

The performance will take place April31 at 8:30p.m. Unlikeother musical performances, this production will not be held in the campus theater. Instead, it will be a traveling production. This is to ensure that all the rats will hear Chase's entrancing Russian piper music and follow.

"I've ordered special boots for the audience to wear," said Armstrong. "This way the rats won't eat their feet like they ate my final exam answers ... we will also have

By CRIS FRASER

The King of Rock and Roll is alive and well and living with aliens from outer space!

So said Palomar's associate professor of astrology and hopelessly devoted Elvis Presley fan Barbara Schnelker.

electric carts for those unable to walk for a long time."

The ending of this show has not been staged yet. Palomar officials are still considering all the options of where to put all the rats once they've been caught.

"We don't want them to end up as huge, 50-foot rats, like the squirrels were," said Armstrong.

"Maybe transporting them to the new state university in San Marcos will be good. They can deal with it."

Rats Munch Student Homeworl1 and Biology Specimens!

Schnelker claimed she saw Elvis and two space aliens emerge from a neon-green spacecraft that landed on the campus football field last Saturday evening. She was overwhelmed when Elvis actually spoke to her and told her that he was on a concert tour, traveling from one galaxy to another.

Schnelker was star-gazing through the campus observatory's telescope late Saturday night when she observed the huge, saucer-shaped craft floating across the night sky.

"I got really excited because I knew it had to be a U.F.O.!" said Schnelker. "It was my first U.F.O. sighting!"

Schnelker watched as the mysterious craft circled above the campus. She dashed out of the observatory and watched in amazement as the saucer landed on the football field. Then Schnelker stopped a few yards from the football field and hid behind a nearby trash can.

She spied an unidentified Campus Patrol officer placing a ticket on the illegally parked space saucer. The officer then calmly walked back to the Campus Patrol office as if he had not seen the space craft.

"I couldn't believe it!" Schnelker exclaimed. "He acted like nothing was happening!"

Minutes later, Schnelker heard music coming from the saucer. The same five musical notes were repeated for about20 seconds. "At first I couldn't figure out what the music was," said Schnelker. ''Then it suddenly dawned on me that those were the first five notes of the chorus of 'Viva Las Vegas!"'

When the door of the saucer opened, Schnelker beheld Elvis standing between two little green creatures whose faces resembled Dick Clark.

"It had to be Elvis," cried Schnelker. ''I'd know that jewelstudded, bell-bottomed jumpsuit anywhere."

Schnelker was astonished as she stood up from behind the trash can to approach Elvis and the rubbery-skinned aliens.

When she asked the aliens why they had landed on campus, they replied that they had come to refuel their ship and requested some of the Palomar Cafeteria's soup of the day.

"We heard on the Interplanetary News that it's the best space rocket fuel in the solar system," screeched one alien.

Schnelker turned to Elvis, gawked at him for a couple of minutes, then inquired as to why he was flying around in a neon saucer with suspicious aliens. Elvis said he was touring the outside of the Andromeda Star System.

Then Schnelker told Elvis that he had always been her idol.

Elvis smiled, wiped his brow with a long white scarf that hung around his neck, swivelled his hips a couple of times and said: "Thank you. Thank you very much, ma'am."

"Talk about a bedroom voice ... ," Schnelker sighed.

Later she described her complete awe. "At that point, I felt like I was floating on air. I remember feeling light-headed and then everything just went black."

She figured that all the excitement had simp! y been too much for her. Schnelker suffers from S.S.A.D., Sudden Swooning Attack Disorder, an incurable disease that affects 99.9 percent of female Elvis fans.

It was almost dawn when Schnelker woke up and found herself lying in the middle of the football field. There was no sign of the spaceship, the two aliens or Elvis, but she noticed a Campus Patrol ticket pinned to her lab coat which cited her for illegally sleeping on the football field. In her right hand, she held a small piece of blue suede!

Schnelker has given the material to The Columbia School of Scientific Research where it is currently being examined.

The unknown Campus Patrol officer has yet to come forward to confirm Schnelker's story. None of the members of the Presley family were available for comments.

GRUESOME GREMLINS SPREAD HYSTERICS!

By TRACI ROSSMAN

BEWARE! An onslaught oftiny but dangerous Screaming Yellow Zookers continues to plague serious, hardworking Palomar students.

"They tickle the heck out of you till you can't think rationally anymore," reveals an unfortunate victim of a brutal Zooker attack.

Approximately 3 millimeters in length, these gruesome creatures hide in the trees and shrubs and are easily identified by their curved claws, bulging eyes and yellow mohawk hairdos.

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my face was as red as a

¡erry 'cause I w:as bustin' urpl'

"they'll usually climb down into your socks and tickle you in between your toes!"

This is exactly what happened to Zooker victim Jay Nickelson, whose deranged laughing left his professors gasping in amazement. '"It can really mess up your grades," Nickelson exclaimed just Their name comes from the two days after being savagely attacked. high-pitched squeals they emit just Yet, according to Nickelson, prior to attack. there is no thrill like watching your According to Student Health professor's chin drop to the floor in Services, most victims of the ramamazement as you burst out laughpant Zooker epidemic report YELLOW MOHAWKS and curving claws are terrorizing the ing at the 8-page essay assignment breaking out in wild fits of laughof students throughout campus! funnybones he or she has just written on the ter, especially while in the presence blackboard. of faculty and administrators. t-----::-~--------.---------------1 But watch out! If a Zooker atTwenty-two students have re- can McGilvary accused Overheals students are contaminated and tacks your funnybone, the results ported such severe effects as dou- of insubordinate behavior towards which aren't." bling over in hysterics at the sight faculty.

He may well have been describof a hated professor and actually "I couldn't believe it!" ing Heidi Ludicrous, who on was rolling on the classroom floor in a McGilvary raged, "It was com- her way to the records office last frenzy of uncontrollable laughter. pletely ¡uncalled for!" week when she was sudden! y overThese reactions, commonly reHe then voiced his complaint to come with the sensation of being ferred to as 'The Sillys,' seem to social sciences chairman Frank tickled all over. "I bet my face was disappear when the afflicted are no Martinie, who agrees that Over- as red as a strawberry, 'cause I was longerinthepresenceofanauthor- heals' "zany pranks" are "unac- bustin' up," she sauea1erl Hankins attributes this attack to ity figure. ceptable in an advanced-level acathe fact that Ludicrous wore a "Even though The Sillys are not demic environment." cropped t-shirt that day, which detrimental to your physical "This is certainly not a laughing made her belly-button easily acceshealth," declares Clarice Hankins matter!" he fumed while on his sible to Zookers hiding in near-by director of Student Health Serv- daily stroll past the arboretum. shrubs.

These miniscule creatures ices, "they tend to block any intel- Then, almost immediately, he lay can only transmit their disease by lectual messages sent to your down on the pavement and broke way of caved-in bodily features brain." into an outrageous furor of gufsuch as the belly-button, the ears, A case in point is straight-A stu- faws . dent Ed Overheals, who admits to Yet, according to nurse Linda and the nose.

But even though they are picky disrupting every one of his classes Shaffer, Zookers rarely prey on eaters Shaffer cautions students with his boisterous outbursts. faculty. against wearing "skimpy cloth"The lecture really wasn ' t And the only way to catch a ing".

She claims that because the funny," he chortled, "but, I swear, Zooker, explains groundskeeper Zookers' suctior cup feet enable I've never laughed so hard in my George Holt, is to pluck it off the them to cling to human tissue, any life!" skin of the Zookee. exposed patch of skin is suscepAfter witnessing the side-split"But the students here are so tible. ting event take place in his class- dang wild," he remarks,"that it' s room, economics professor Dun- next to impossible to tell which

By KATHY HINES As of April 1, Palomar students will no longer be in control of the school's radio station, Neo99. Cows from a local creamery have, in a hostile stampede, told former staffers to moove along.

According to the new Promotions Director, Holly Cow Hoistein, "Neo-99 brainwashes the students and residents of our community with alternative muck!"

The cows refuse to negotiate with the administration of Palomar. The campus police tried to herd them out with their bicycle SWAT team, but the cows stampeded security.

The cows are here to stay and DJ. "We want the people to listen to

real moosic, wholesome refreshing. Something that's good for their bones, not that junk they listen to now," said Moo Program Director Longhorn Bull.

"The first grade-A change we will make is a fresh, new format that will be directed to higher in telligence levels," mooed Holstein.

The new format will consist of hard-hitting moos stories, educationa! cowmentaries, and a completely different breed of moosic.

Uprising dairy cows down the current "bee-bop beats" played by Neo-99 students.

Holstein mooses at the possibilities, "We are bringing the Dead Milkmen back to life! Everyone will know who they are when we

set the radio station on the right side of the pasture."

Other hidden talents and songs that will be fed to the students will consistof'TIIMilk the World with You" (Modem Cows), "Cows are Cows"(DepecheMooed), "Calved in the USA" (Bruce Holstein), "Tomorrows Cows" (Ziggy Mooley), and ''I'm all Milked Up" (Nine Inch Udders).

Remarks and comments about the radio station takeover are wanted from the Neo-99 staff, but they have been reportedly cow tied and held captive at the dairy.

Program Director, Longhorn Bull, denies any captive activity from his herd. "We cows, contrary to many students of Palomar Col-

lege,arenotinto bondage. Sure, we may have gagged them, but how else would we keep them from complaining? They have no say in the matter."

The anarchist cows will move the radio station to the campus arboretum. Holstein moos, "There is no hock room in the puny broadcasting rooms of Neo-99. Besides, all of us cows have saved our milk money to buy us a big 'ole satellite to plant at the top of the arboretum." With the "high-tech" sate!lite, the directors will be able to get better reception from their alien instructors.

"We have been using transmitters at the dairy to communicate with our superior extraterrestrials,

could be fatal.

So far, Student Health Services have encountered one such neardeath experience. Brewery science major Bud Doppelbock recalls that he "almost died laughing."

According to Hankins and Shaffer, there is still hope for the unfortunate victims of Zooker attacks.

They assure students that the standard treatment is completely painless.

"We simply inform them that Palomar has hired Rosanne Barr to teach their sex education class next semester, and all laughter seems to cease."

She adds that, after receiving the treatment, some patients' eyes even well up with tears.

m

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but we need a big dish to thoroughly understand what we are meant to do for them," mooed Bull.

The satellite will also feed Neo99's moo moosic to the rest of the world.

Holstein mooed that all animals have rights, "But we should get more because we are bigger. I know at first, people may be hesitant to the moo ideas, but then again, who would have thought that sour milk would have such an impact? Everyone will love us to death."

To milk the listener attention spans, DJs will promote Neo-99 by giving away free 99-cent Veggie Burgers to 99th callers of selected songs.

MICHAEL JORDAN FEARS PALOMAR PLAYER!

By TENG MONTEYRO.

Can anyone stop Air Jordan? Dynamite Dave can!

The place, Chicago Stadium in lllinois, a crowd of 15,000 plus is stunned and saddened as Chicago Bulls guard and superstar Michael Jordan is held to a career-low five points for the entire game.

When the dust settled, his counterpart, Dave "The Dynamite" Delaney from the Miami Heat and formed y of the Palomar Comets, had ripped the Bulls for 44 points, 12 assists, 10 rebounds, two steals, and rumor has it that Delaney was spotted selling popcorn and souvenirs during halftime.

Defensively, Delaney was responsible for frustrating Michael Jordan.

"It was unbelievable and that's putting it lightly," said Bulls forward Scottie Pippen, who led the Bulls with 16 points.

"I've never seen anybody manipulate Mike (Jordan) like 'Dynamite Delaney' did."

Jordan, who by halftime was

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so upset that he was seen kicking chairs, had scored only one point in the first quarter due to superb defense by Delaney and scored four during the second quarter when Delaney was sent to the bench to rest. " I thought for sure that the first quarter was a fluke and when I started

.......

DYNAMITE DAVE flies high over Air Jordan for another basket.

scoring in the second quarter, I would get my rhythm going," saidJordanduringapost-game interview.

Much to everyone's surprise, when Miami coach Ron Rothstein brought Delaney back to the line-up, strange things started to happen. At one point, while traveling down court, Jordan was so shaken up by the sight of his defender, that he tripped on his own shoe, rolled twice, and went out of bounds with the ball. The stadium crowd, at that point, started crying. Jordan was held scoreless for the entire second-half. As if things weren't bad enough, Delaney on the offen-

sive end scored 20 ofhis44 points in the the secondhalf,includingtwothunderousslams on Jordan. "We (the fans) were starting to wonder if the player in Jordan's uniform was an impostor," said William Whodunit, a Bulls fan. Philip lmcheap, another Bull's fan added, "We have seen the fall of Air Jordan."

Miami Heat center, Rony Seikaly, described it best. "Dave 'Get that ball out of here' Delaney turned Michael 'get out of my face' Jordan to Michael 'Why are you crying, did someone take your lollipop' Jordan." Dave Delaney after a lithe com motion had only this to say "Hey everybody, I'm going to Disneyland! oh, hi mom!"The Heat, needless to say, won the game 199-99.

THE FISH ARE BITING

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Fly fishing student Ben Hook proves that the fish are biting by a small demonstration. Hook, who learned this deathdefying act of fish biting in Montana, shows off his bizarre talent to interest other students to join the new Fly Fishing Club at Palomar. He insiste that there's nothing fishy about the new organization.

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By MARK HOPKINS

Vice President of the United States, J. Danforth Quayle III, told a dazed crowd recently a shocking fact about the fiftieth state. Quayle said, "Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is part of the United States that is an island that is right here."

These startling words have set a new role for America's Vice Presidents: jesterdom.

On arecentjunkette in the South Pacific, Quayle visited the capital ofAmerican Samoa, Pago Pago.

The veep, who during the trek from Hawaii must have read the Sunday funnies, kept referring to the capital as "Pogo Pogo." He also told islanders there that, "You look like happy campers to me.

Happy campers you have been, and as far as I am concerned, happy campers you will always be."

Later, when asked why he was saying odd things, the Vice President quipped, "Some people spend a lot of time thinking: should I do this or should I do that? I don't."

Back on the mainland in an address to the United Negro College Fund, Quayle confirmed that he does not think.

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind- or not to have a mind. How true that is."

An aide to Quayle said that he does not think that the veep is from this century and the VP confirmed this when he said, "We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century."

Of all the Americans searching for a cure, none are looking harder than President Bush.

What is your opinion of food served in the cafeteria?

"I thought the problem with Dan was solved when I sent him to Central America and he held the flamethrower in the wrong direction," said Bush.

On Quayle's trip to Asia, the President said to Quayle, "Dan, good relations with these Asian countries are very important to us- but I'm sending you anyway."

In a darker moment the President mused over the prospect of Quayle being President, "Most Vice Presidents who have gone on to run for President have won- Spooky thought, ain't it?"

According to Nancy Reagan's astrologer, an evil hex has been placed on the nation. The astrologer, wishing not to name names, would only say, "Someone named Ed placed the curse."

Prof. Aid Lang Zine Botany "I wish they would bring back the Timber Room, it was a great place to study females, oops, I mean flowers. I hate the stuff they are serving now, it either has vitamins, min..__ _ _ _ _ _ ___. erals, or Styrofoam in it.

They had really healthy and nutritious food like Ding-Dongs and ice cream."

Val Moonstruck

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Toker Williams Psychopharmacology "Man it would be groovy if they served Kool-Aid; it's great with acid before a test, yeah. The photocopy machinethey served recently improved my sex life, like there are a lot of duplicates of me

now. It was a real downer when the squirrels munchedout on my girlfriend and the rug-rats."

MaxLoado Rat Officers Training Corps "In war, as in .civilian life, there are winners and losers. The rations served in the mess are the best I've had since my platoon captured the Safeway supermarket in Panama. I especially like the S.O.S. they serve on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

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Š~~~[UJ~ HOROSCOPES Your impulsive nature forces you to tell your boss " take-this-job-and-shoveit". But don ' t let your blatant inconsideration ruin your career - good things could be ahead for you if you'd just stop ramming people around. With the Sun in your sign all month, and with a li ttle tact, this could be a good time for you. The first two weeks of the month, Venus and Mars are in your first house, and since both control your partnership and sexual appeal you'd better get a date while you still look somewhat decent

Yourmulti-faceted personality gets you into double-trouble again. You try to tell one of your infamous white-lies, but are caught with the goods. This month, remember to always clean behind BOTH ears. Venus and Mars are in convergence on the 16th of this month which makes you want to take a loved one (or two) to a remote island and once there, watch the 'Bowling-for-Dollars' marathon in your hotel room.

April is your best month yet. The full moon in Libra on the 9th puts you in rare form. You're more mentally unbalanced than you've ever been, so you might as well take advantage of it while you can.

Be careful on the 12th, Security has heard a rumor that is was you who changed the time on the Clock Tower.

During the middle of the month Pluto is in your seventh house. This means that you 'd better stop barking and start communicating with the people that mean the most to you or, by April 16, the people who still care about you will all work at the IRS. Although Tauruses (not the cars) have a tendency to be a bit lazy , this month would be an excellent time to start a long overdue project. The full moon this week makes you more than amorous, but watch that bullish breath, you could give your loved one a heart seizure. Good days to use your horns are the 24th and 28th.

This month, you're feeling a lot more optimistic than your usual crabby self.

The full moon in Libra this month makes you pinch those pennies in your clammy claws even tighter than you normally do.

This month could bring that big promotion you've been looking for. On the 29th of this month you could find yourself in your favorite spot on the beach with that person you've been chasing all year, only this time, act decent so they won't run away.

This month Venus and Mars are in ultra-sensitive Pisces so Scorpions will feel the sting of every word spoken by an angry lover. But don't let that revenge meter go overboard you know they didn 'tmean it. This month you should be wary of strangers bearing gifts. Especially those gifts of a sexual nature, Scorpians are so susceptible to anything involving sex. Best days are the 18th, 19th and 26th.

By Madame Michelle JULY 23- AUG. 22 Lions should keep a low profile this month, although that is somewhat impossible for these roaring show -offs. Your insatiable craving for telling your love sweet-nothings could bring trouble.And don't foget to throw away those cases of Perrier you've been saving for those special occasions or you might be on the receiving end of a nasty lawsuit. Good days are the 19th and 20th.

NOV. 22- DEC. 21 On the 14th, Cupid slings arrows your way, but unfortunately, it's a dream and your Cupid turns out to be a marshall with an arrest warrant . But don't let it bother you, your sentence is re-liming the 'P'. Later in the month you'll find yourselfbogged down with responsibilities, but with your dynamic personality, you could easily persuade a Libra to do it for you.

This month Virgos are less than tactful when they find out their lover has soldoff their prized beer bottle collection and took the money from the sale to invest in an earthworm farm. If you'd be patient and stop your incessant nagging you might find out that not playing these little games could keep this relationship together.

Later in the month, when the home life settles down, you might want to set some career goals. Good days for Virgo are the 6th and 7th.

April showers bring May flowers. This could be the motto for the sign of the goat this month. Early on in the month Mercury does flip-flops in Taurus, making this a bad time for goats to make any decisions or sign anything. Console your grief- try getting chummy with a Pisces or a Gemini. Towards the end of the month you will be feeling better. Best days for you are the 16th and 17th.

If your birthday is today ...

APRIL 1, 1990

Happy Birthday Fool!!! When you were born, you mother and father thought you were the best joke of the maternity wing. But you have found out through the years that having your birthday today has been an advantage. For instance, you can parkin any parking spot on campus and treat the ticket as a joke. The bills you receive can be perceived as another prank. Or the collection agency letter about your new car would be a big laugh. If you believe this, you are the biggest fool!

The stars this month shows that you will be laughing while popping Rolaids after your peanut butter pizza lunch (your favorite dish) and then spend the evening alone watching reruns of Gilligans Island on your special bean-bag.

JAN. 20 - FEB. 18 You could be supersensitive this month when Venus and Mars enter Pisces, so use it to your advantage. Aquarians can be soooo creative if they'd just get of their laurels and do it. And stop worrying about that philosophy test next week, you're the only one in the class that has a clue to what's going on anyway (and hey, that even includes the prof.!) You will look and do your best on the 19th.

FEB. 19 - MAR. 20 This month you'll have the right baitto attract any fish in the sea. Venus and Mars are in your sign in the last two weeks of April, which makes you glow like the neon fish you are. But you could lose them all if you act like a clam. But let's face it your not as shy as they say you are. Why,youcan be as aggressive as a great white shark if someone crosses you. But, thankfully, you won't need to be a predator this month. Good days for you are the 16th, 17th, 19th and 22nd.

Tellascoop April1, 1990

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NO MATTER IF YOU'VE HAD FOUR, FIVE OR EVEN NINE ACCIDENTS OR AS MANY AS 14 TICKETS (or even if you drive in front of Palomar College), WE WILL INSURE YOUR CAR FOR:

PER MONTH NO INTEREST, NO RATE INCREASES, NO KIDDING!