He Said I She Said
Boggs: The Mad Botnber
The battle of the sexes rages on with clever quips from both sides. Open Warfare I Tellascoop Page 2
Dr. George Boggs finally admits to his nasty habit of bombing landmarks Get a Lifestyle I Tellascoop Page 3
ELLASCOOP Thursday, April 1, 1993
Governor Pete Wilson TELEPHONE NUMBER: (916) 445-2841 FAX NUMBER: (916)445-2864
Volume 46, Number 17A
Spy camera solves KKSM robbery The Tellascoop's Most Wanted Ust
Luigi "Boo_m.Boo.m, Sarducci
Surveillance cameras caught the notorious Sarduccl gang in the act of burglarizing and vandalizing the KKSM offices. Pictured clockwise from upper left are Mario Sarducci, Luigi Sarducci, Tito Sarducci and Guido Sarducci. All four are still at large. By Roger.Fregoso
Deadlines? What are deadlines? and Steve Troop
Cartoonist-in-Chief Pinkerton Security had no leads in the infamous "KKSM robbery" until new evidence provided by The Tellascoop has identified the perpetrators. The notorious Slobovianmobstersknown as the Sarducci gang were caught in the act by a little-known, seldom-used surveillance system which was put into use after similar tampering was discovered. The $2,000 Mach 7 video surveillance system was installed last year after KKSM' s locks had visible signs of tampering. But due to the camera's placement on a high shelf, the Pinkerton officers assigned to the KKSM beat rarely checked it on a regular basis. Ironically, had it not been for KKSM's recent shutdown due to further thefts, the surveillance tape might have been erased and the culprits never identified. With the offices closed for a week, custodians ftnally gained access to the station after 16 years of neglect When faced with the enormous task of cleaning these offtces, Custodian Bill "Bucky" Broomstick found more than dustballs and old gum. "Iwascleaning(theshelt)withmynewlyfunded ASG feather duster ($29.95, retail), when I accidentally knocked the camera off onto the floor. Itdidn'tsurvive the crash, but the tape sure did!" said Broomstick.
Broomstick, believing the tape to be blank, gave it to his good friend Michael Kline, Photo No-No Editor to The Tellascoop. "Idon'townaVCR,"explained Broomstick. "When (Bucky) gave it to me I said to myself, 'Self, how do you half-tone this?"' explained Kline. "So I just went onto more important matters like cleaning the room." Kline nonetheless discarded the tape. The tape was found by lron-PistDictator Susan Deacon in The Tellascoop's trash can. ''The tape was clearly ma1Xed 'Pinkerton Security,' so I thought it was a copy of one of the 'Police Academy' movies or at least an episode of 'COPS,"' Deacon explained. Upon close examination of the tape's footage, however, four suspects known as the Sarducci gang were identified . . Wanted in seven states for burglary, arson, bombings, crujackings, bigamy and using picante sauce from New York City, the Sarducci's make up four of the Top 10 Tellascoop's Most Wanted list The Sarducci gang is headed by eldest brother Luigi "Boom-Boom" Sarducci. Boom-Boom is described as short with shifty eyes, bad dandruff and always wears an unbuttoned blue shirt Known mostly for his unquenchable thirst for violence, brother Guido "Tiny" Sarducci is believed to be the gang's enforcer. Lacking any social skills whatsoever, Tiny does have an interesting and unique "Broken Thumb" collection. He also does a mean impression of Old Elvis. Sarducci henchman Mario "Slick"
Sarducci wears a trademarksuitandtietoall of the gang's major heists. Boasting that he is the only Sarducci brother who has a valid California driver's license. Slick's major characteristics include eating raw lasagna, collecting [J.reaf[llS, and belching "The Star Spangled Banner" on request Rounding out the Sarducci gang is the youngest member, Tito "Junior" Sarducci, an accomplishedcomputerprogrammer who abandoned a prosperous career to join his brothers in a life of crime. He is described as tall, thin, and has a tattooofhismotheronhis right arm. All four brothers continuously quote the Boboli commercials and sweat profusely. This gang is armed and dangerous and still on the loose. Any sightings of these notorious gangste" should be reported to the Palomar's custodial staff. Why go to the rest when you've got the best? Finkerton Security, who were still engrossed in the only other evidence to the case, a spaghetti stain on KKSM's soundboard, were less than enthused with their new lead. "It makes us look like cart\driving, flashlight-toting, ticket-happy foOls who aren't qualilled to be real cops," said Pinkerton Offtcer Rufus T. Sweetchek about The Tellascoop's discovery of the tape. Sources to The Tellascoop point out that Pinkerton was alerted to the Sarducci' s close proximity to Palomar College. But due to an anonymous tip, in a joint venture with the the FBI, Campus Patrol instead staked out Godfather's Pizza in Escondido.
2 Miercoles, Marzo 30, 1.993 The Telescope
OPEN WARFARE MEN VERSUS WOMYN
"HE
"SHE
SAID"
Men are such clods because. • •
Womyn are so stupid because . . •
Men are dogs just waiting for women with leashes. Men can never just say, "I've got to go to the bathroom." They always have to say something macho like "I've got to go to the
Women are indecisive. They never do what they say and never say what they mean. Who knows what's on their minds? Women always expect you to know when they're mad and when you're supposed to make some token apology for some crime you didn't commit Why do women insist on eating like a rabbit during dinner dates? What, are we to believe they got that large on Tofu and lettuce? Why can't women get into action films? All they ever rent are Woody Allen movies and then discuss the depth of the movie's meaning. Do women truly believe soap operas are more realistic than professional wrestling? Women get down on men when they don't cry; not sensitive enough, they say. But when men cry, women think we're wimps. If women are so sure of themselves, why do they rely on support groups so much? A woman by herself is rathered civilized; two or three together, and it's still safe. But get 30 or more women in the same studio with Phil Donahue and not even the Terminator, Superman, Batman, or anyone else, can withstand the barrage.
Famous Last Words
SAID"
'John'."
Men are such couch potatoes; just try and separate them from their remote control. Speaking about television, men are such idiots when they use the remote control, anyway. It's annoying when they scan through the channels when there is nothing on anyway. I hate it when a guy comes to pick you up on a date early, but he claims you're late. Men try to act so tough. They always talk about "guy" things with their buddies. They can only talk about their cars or games. It's so fake. What is it with toys and men anyway? Car things, hardware things, athletic things -guys treat their cars better than their girls. They even talk sweeter to them more. Wbycan'tmenaskfordirections? Aman would drive around the city of San Diego all day than demean himself by asking a lowly gas attendant for directions.
Harold Scofield Gov. Board Member
Denny Ngo ASG Executive V.P.
LoweD Kepics ASG President
Garrett Collins ASGSenator
Rita White Gov. Board member
"I view this problem will go away in time as minorities become more educated."
"Isn't it interesting how politicians put the sbJdents first so that they can get their interest met!'
"On behalf of the ASG,
'The student turnout at the polls tells me that we don't need a government."
"Vote White (from a campaign flyer). "
I'd like to welcome all of you to the best community college in the state. Now go home."
The Tellascoop Thursday, April1, 1993 3
GET A LIFESTYLE TNT a part of Boggs' DNA By Michael Barder
Insult to Gays
\
Mire .......,aou Eyu, Poittt t11U1 Shoot
PHOTO EDITOR TO WED DR. RUTH By Michael Bagstad
Staff Fixture After 51 years as a noted sex therapist. Dr. Ruth has finally decided to retire. "I'm going to take my own advice and have a little fun. I've always said if you want to be satisfied, you take the man's ..." "Dr. Ruth! This is a newspaper, not television," said the man who has won hef' attention, The Tellascoop's own Photo No-No Editor, Michael Kline. "Yes, I have a Canon camera and a big lens, and I know bow to use it," said Kline to his bride-to be. "Dear," said Ruth. "I know you think you have a big lens but where I come from, tbat thing is only a macro." The two met at a photo class last semester and have been carrying on a torrid love affair ever since. "We've been meeting in the darkroom, the trunk of our car and even backstage between sbows," said Ruth. "Butineverwoulddoitwitbouttheproperfllter,"addedKline. According to Cartoonist-in-Chief Steve Troop, Kline's starflltered eyes have been focused on learning more about the doctor's outdated Brownie camera. "It was when Michael tried to put his Canon lens into my Brownie that I got suspicious.! figured I had better know a little more about what this devil intended to develop in his darkroom," said Ruth. "The red light brought back fond memories of my mother's home when I was but a young lass." "Dr. Ruth, what are you doing? Get your feet out of there! This is a stop bath solution, not a hot bath," babbled Kline. "I'm sorry, itjustexcitedmetoseeyourprintgrow to 11"x 14" from your 35mm negative." "She says the only thing she would change on me is that I need a longer lens to shoot with," gleamed Kline. "And she insists I use a fllter on the end of my lens each time I shoot!" The two were last seen in their darkroom with Dr. Ruth trying to fmd Kline's lens to put a fllter on the end of it
"Going to Washington is as easy as coming out of the closet!"
Roads and bridges are in danger when President/Superintendent Dr. George Boggs is around. The 50year-old chemist has been known to demolish any of the nation's infrastructure that does not meet his high standards. The sad thing about this tendency is that it is nothing new. Boggs has been blowing things up since high school, when his chemistry experiment did not react as expectedandexploded. Thisevent caused a chain reaction which resulted in a life-long rampage against every structure not to Boggs' specifications. ''It really is sad that someone of his intelligence would lower himself to that level ( ofblowing things up)," said Boggs' college chemistry teacher Brian Flowers in 1967. "I think he had a lot of potential, but (it's) all gone to waste." Duringhiscollegecareer,Boggs got involved in the peace movement. and because of his knowledge of chemistry, many of the anti-war groups used him to demolish government buildings. Because of his destructive tendencies, Boggs was advised by his college counselor to get his doctorate degree in administration instead of chemistry. Boggs responded to this advice with a positive attitude, and after earning his master's degree in chemistry from the University of CaliforniaatSantaBarbarain 1968, he eventually obtained a doctorate in education administration from the University of Texas at Austin in 1984. But before he could get his doctorate, he had to go through a rigorous regimen of Mad Chemists Anonymous (MCA) before the university would accept him with his dubious record. "I felt like it would be in my best interest to comply (with the requirement)," said Boggs. "Ireally wanted to get this problem behind me."
THE TELLASCOOP Volume 46 , Number 17A
Thursd8y, April 1, 1993
Serving it up with a side of ranch Would you like to go toWashington D.C.? Well, now you can-for free! Just join or start a club--any club-and you could be well onto your way! Would the French Club like to go to France? No problem! After all. that Student Representation fee isn't getting any larger-so why not spend it?
The A.S.G. Travel Agency Who said "tightening our moneybelt"
couldn't be painless?
-
CollotrM N.._N>Iilh. . Auoe.
..t lho Ja.rnoiom Aoooc. ol Ccmnuily Col~
Thâ&#x20AC;˘TtllaJcoop lspubHibedead! Apilllnhoocrof AprilFool'sDay. No part of the maierlal found in this four-page insert "'flects in any way the cbanocter cr actions of any persomciledin IIU pubticatioo. All events are pu"'ly lbe products of our oYerindulged im.aginatiODL This i.uue iJ to be used solely for the enlertalnment of the student body and fllculty of Palanar Colle!ll'. 1be llories, all names, cbaraden and incidents portnlyed In 1hl.o oectioo are fictldooL No ldenlificatioo with or similarity to actual pei'IODI, lhing <r dead, <r actualeÂĽe11ts iJ lnlended cr lllould be lnfmed.
Please disreprd this newspaper.
PresidenUSuperintendent Dr. George Boggs hard at work creating new explosives for his first love: Mass Destruction! He did not, however. Although the crime. But because this is the he enthusiastically joined in on the discussions and activities, Boggs did not fully recover from the nervous disorder behind his destructive habits . "This is a neurological problem that can' t be solved by a support group," said James Picldeberry, Boggs' MCA instructor. "Therefore, I feel he can only be helped by medical attention." Picldeberry did say that he felt Boggs has made tremendous progress since going through the program. "He has learned to deal with his condition and controls it more easily now," he explained. This reporter has learned, bowever, that Boggs has not stopped his bombing spree. New evidence links him to the recent bombing of London Bridge in Lake Havasu. Boggs himself has admitted to
first bombing by Boggs in 14 years, indicating that he has gained a handle on the problem, prosecuters have dropped all charges. "Since this is a medical problem, I feel it would not be right to prosecute under the circumstances," said Ed Miles, the attorney assigned to the case. Boggs only had one explanation for his recent relapse: "I've been taking out my aggressive tendencies by systematically demolishing and restructuring the campus to my own specifications." But with the recent rains, causing his plans to be put on hold, Boggs beacame impatient. "London Bridge was a menace. It had to be destroyed," explained Boggs. "I'm just grateful that I didn't go with my first plan. The Dome is still standing."
Cartoonist-in-Chief .................................. ....... ..... ........................ Steve("Goor)Troop Pork Chops and Applesauce Editor ........... Marina("Don't call me grungey")Melson Insult to Gays .... ................... .... .............................................. Michaei("Rush")Barder Happy Happy, Joy Joy Editor ...... ............................. .. Chertyn("Cher-Bear")Wisdom Loud, Fat, Angry, Mexican Guy ....................... Salvador("Show no mercy")Marquez Whitley Strieber Fan ...................................................Sara("l don't understand")Skol Could Snap at any time ................ ...... Sandy("l only watch foreign filmsw)Kraisirideja Sports Editor, not Sports Editor, Sports Editor .... .......Christopher("C-ya!")Holmes Kopie edditerr .. .. .......................... .............. Mireille("Did I miss something?")Samson I know these computers better than anyone .......Greg("l want a rea/ title!") Skinner No Shoes, No Service..............................Heather("White space is your friend")Bass Chamomile Tea Supplier ..................... Chris S.("This is my last semester") MacPhail Photo No-no Editor ........................... .. ................................. Michaei("Dr. Ruth") Kline Iron-fist Dictator .............................................................. Susan("Curly Suew)Deacon Lover of Cut-out Photos ..............................................Donna("Lens Cap")Cosentino Deadlines? What are deadlines? .... ......... Stacey Alessio, Garth Algar, John Bums, Erin Casten, Kathy Combs, Sean Dean, Holly Denecke, Barbra Dijak, Christine Doan, Tony Dow, Roger Fregoso, Ametta Hilton, Shawn Holmes, Patty Lane, Martin O'Neil, Kristian Pope, Gomer Pyle, Jeff Robinson, Paul Raineri, William Shatner, Mark Westover Close Eyes, Point & Shoot.. .......... Nicole America, Jim Andrews, Michael Bagstad, Greg Brady, Lisa Bohorquez, Wayne Campbell, Nancy Eart, Amy Kerr, Barbera Krywko, Mike LaJoie, Rosalynn Lopez, Tony Malizia, Yo Mama, Ramon Razo, Johnny Rabago, Els Sipkes, Loi Song, Cara White
4
The Tellascoop Thursday, April1, 1993
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BY STEVE TROOP
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You too can be editor of your own underground newspaper! r--------------------------------------1I April1993
KEEP OUT THE OF REACH OF CHILDREN!
··························· ...................... , ......................................·..... ········································· ............. ... ··············· ......................·..·
I
SURJECfhas too many ORJECfS in PlACE The end of an era is rapidly approaching. SUBJECT was seen hoarding many OBJECTs in the PLACE. This is a travesty! How can SAME SUBJECT ever hope to get away with it? Palomar students that use the SAME PLACE couldn't possibly use all those SAME OBJECTs. As a Palomar student, wishing to remain anonymous, I will from now on refer to myself as the SUBJECT. My hobbies include sleeping with my OBJECT. ItmakesmeEMOTION. I like it when I'm SAME EMOTION. But I'm not SAME EMOTION now! No sir! When I go to PLACE, IcarmotbeEMariON. It's even harder to be SAME EMOTION when SUBJECT is around. But back to my travesty. I hateitwhenOBJECTsgetstuck in my OBJECT. The only way we can fight this is if we all take our · OBJECTs and throw them at SUBJECT. This may not work at first, but we must keep doing it Thank You.
A POEM See how the tweeting birds likes to land at my feet? That's because worms like to crawl in my shoes. Especially when the end of the world is near. That's why I love the birds so dear.
SURJECf couldn't know less about edukashun. So, since when did SAME SUBJECT know diddley squat about education? Never! That's when! SAME SUBJECT didn't even have a decent education. He went to the University of PLACE and majored in OBJECT. Palomar gives you an excellent curriculum that SAME SUBJECT could't care less about Truly, we must revolt! Only by picketing SAME SUBJECT's house on SAME SUBJECf'S ADDRESS. We must all stick together because everyone's out to get me-erus!
Volume 1: Issue 1
..................·....•.,,.,.• ...................·.·..·..·..·,·,
An open letter to SURJECf Dear SUBJECT: I hate you. You stink. I know your secret. I want my own way. Give it to me or I' II tell the world in my Underground newspaper. You can't touch me because I'm anonymous. Thank You.
I I 1 1 I I I
Who says thatfreedomofthepressdoesn 't extend to you, the reader? Now you too can create a newspaper that rivals those with a budget of around $1 00! Yes, that's right! Now, there's no need to join the ASG to get your own underground newspaper published! All you need is a pair of scissors and access to a copy machine, with The Tellascoop'shandy,do-it-yourself underground newspaper kit! Just pick a word from the below categories and plug them into the appropriate spaces in the issue! Just two rules to remember: 1) Don't check any of your facts and 2) Don't ever use a dictionary!
SUBJECT LIST: Mike Gregoryk Bill Clinton Dr. George Boggs Garrett Collins Virginia Dower Other ___________________________
OBJECT LIST:
A PlACE that means something to SURJECf Let me tell you about a place that is very dear to me. The place is this PLACE. When I'm there, I can see SUBJECT when he's EMOTION. Gee1 I like that When I'm really EMOTION, I like to take up a bit container of OBJECTS. I like to eat these SAME OBJECTS for dinner when I'm in my special spot. It really makes me EMOTION. That is, until that evil SUBJECT brought in those OBJECTS and ruined everything. Well, I've gotten even with you! I gave SUBJECT your home phone number! So NYAHH!
Nazi gold Tibetan Book of the Dead tou~
hubcap vasoline Other _________________________
PLACE LIST: The Dome Jack Murphy Stadium Howard Bruebeck Theatre North County Bowling Lanes Zimbabwee Other------------------------EMOTION: happy sad ecstatic grumpy envious Other_·______________________ Oh! and remember to include plenty of dopey clip art things and insult everything that doesn't owe you a favor! And. ifall else fails,j ust join the ASG and use their equipment. It's not like it hasn't been done before ....