Active Family Magazine - May 2015 by Teresa Craft

MAY 2015

FEEL STARVED FOR TIME? Here’s a Surprising and Easy–Solution

START WITH 10 TIPS FOR BETTER BEHAVIOR

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Volume 2 / Issue 16

[ WORK-LIFE BALANCE ] The Five Things Successful Working Parents Give Up To Reach A Work- Life Balance

8 [ FASHION ] Mommy Makeover Giveaway!

10 Things “They” Won’t Tell You… But I Will

[EVENTS]

May Events

Raising Caring, Respectful, Ethical Children

[ SUMMER CAMP ]

Feel Starved for Time? Here’s a Surprising - and Easy-Solution

[ PARENTING ] The Life of the Party is Closer Than You Think

Summer Camp Guide

Summer Camp Spotlight

42 5 Messages to Instill Compassion in Your Children

Start With 10 Tips for Better Behavior

[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ] Ten Steps to Starting Friendships

28 4 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | MAY 2015

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Local Life & Style for the East Bay Area Publisher/Editor

Design/Production

Contributing Authors

Tracie Brown Vollgraf

Teresa Agnew Craft

Marketing Manager

Ad Design/Production

Crystal Jahn

Lara Mays

Amy Morin Rachel Macy Stafford Shasta Nelson Amy McCready Christine Burke Dr. Michele Borba Dr. Christine Carter Dr. Jim Taylor

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Contributing Businesses

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Marketing Assistant Interns Jaida Sinclair Nancy Tharpa Sonia Vargas Active Family is published by TAG Marketing Group Mailing Address | P.O. Box 5158, Pleasanton, CA 94566

Advertising Inquiries | 925.789.0709 Email Address | info@activekidsbayarea.com

Editor’s Note As a Mother, you have probably expressed gratitude (and maybe an apology or two) to your own Mother. Enjoy this month by celebrating all of the Moms in your life and don’t forget to sneak some rest and relaxation in and take care of YOURSELF~ Whether you have a newborn or a teenager getting ready to graduate, May is the perfect time to reflect on your experience as a Mom. This issue is dedicated to all of the hardworking, devoted, loving Moms out there that often-times put themselves last on their very long list. We want to recognize all the Moms by launching our fifth annual Mommy Makeover contest (see page 10 for details). If you are looking for the ultimate pamper experience, would love a shopping spree, a night out with your significant other and babysitting services, then ENTER to Win! Simply send us a photo and email telling us why you would like a Mommy Makeover. Would you like to nominate a Rock Star Mom in your life? Even better! We will pick seven finalists and our Facebook fans will then choose their TWO favorites! Good Luck! Wishing you all a wonderful Mother’s Day filled with love and family! Tracie Brown Vollgraf Editor info@activekidsbayarea.com

6 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | MAY 2015

[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]

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[ WORK-LIFE BALANCE ]

Amy Morin is a psychotherapist, psychology instructor, and speaker. Her book 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do is on sale now. She’s frequently quoted in national media outlets. She also writes for Forbes and About.com. For more visit AmyMorinLCSW.com

The Five Things Successful Working Parents Give Up To Reach A Work-Life Balance by Amy Morin The stress of juggling childrearing responsibilities with the demands of work takes a toll on many parents’ personal and professional lives. Over 50% of all employees report that job demands interfere with their personal responsibilities, while 43% of employees say that their family responsibilities interfere with their work performance, according to a 2007 study from the American Psychological Association. Often, there just doesn’t seem to be enough hours in the day to get everything done and meet everyone’s needs. While managing a career and family leaves some parents feeling guilty and frazzled, others seem to be able to effortlessly balance parenthood with full-time work. Parents who are able to raise well-adjusted children while also maintaining a career have to make sacrifices in order to keep the peace. Here are the five things many parents give up to achieve a successful work-life balance: 1. Their Pride About Asking for Help Even in today’s world, it takes a village to raise a child. Asking for help requires humility, but seeking support can be one of the biggest keys to success. This is

8 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | MAY 2015

[ WORK-LIFE BALANCE ] especially true for single parents. Successful parents don’t necessarily depend on others, but are often willing to trade favors. For example, they may ask for help driving the kids to soccer practice in exchange for taking over weekend carpool duties for other busy families. When parents arrange for assistance that ensures their kids are being cared for, they’re able to be more productive at work 2. The Belief That They Need to Split Their Time Equally Achieving a balance between career and children doesn’t necessarily mean the time is split evenly. Successful parents understand that there will be times when their family will need more attention and times when a career will demand more energy. They don’t try to divide the time equally and fairly. Instead, they remain flexible. They evaluate their progress and determine where they need to devote their attention on a regular basis. When their work-life balance seems off-kilter, they readjust to meet the demand. 3. The Idea That They Have to Neglect Themselves There’s a reason why airlines say that in the event of an emergency you should put your oxygen mask on first, before assisting anyone else. If you don’t take care of yourself first, you won’t have anything left to give. When you’re feeling overtired and stretched too thin, it may seem incomprehensible to squeeze in a little “me time.” But, the fact is, those times when you feel like you can’t possibly spare a minute for yourself, are likely the times when you need “me time” the most. Successful parents know that taking care of themselves helps their efficiency and productivity over the longterm. Although it’s important to get plenty of sleep and relaxation, exercise may be even more important. Engaging in daily physical activity won’t only improve your health, but it can also be the key to maintaining a balance between home and work, according to a research study that is about to be published in Human Resource Management. 4. The Desire To Always Make Their Kids Happy Parents who achieve a successful work-life balance don’t live and breathe to make their kids happy. Instead, they strive to raise responsible children that will grow to become responsible adults. They’re willing to ask kids to help out around the house. They assign chores and teach responsibility without nagging or yelling. They establish clear consequences and aren’t afraid to follow

through with them. They role model hard work and allow their children to experience disappointment. 5. The Guilt They Experience About Working Many parents would rather not work full-time, but for many families it just isn’t an option for one parent to stay home. About 44% of full-time working mothers report their ideal situation would be to work part-time, according a 2012 study by the Pew Research Center. However, working part-time just isn’t financially feasible for many families. Parents who successfully balance their work and home life, don’t waste time and energy on guilt over the fact that they’re working. Instead, they either work on a plan to solve the problem – like work flexible hours – or they accept that they’ll need to maintain a full-time job while raising children. Parents who successfully balance parenting and work understand that making their children a priority sometimes means working hard to meet their children’s needs. The reality is, many parents have to work to pay the bills. However, it is possible for working parents to still be quality parents. Successful parents focus their spare time and energy on raising the children – not wishing they didn’t have to work.

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MAY 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 9

[ FASHION ] IT’S THAT TIME OF YEAR! Active Family is proud to announce the 5th Annual

MOMMY MAKEOVER GIVEAWAY!

It’s time to take care of Mom! Enter to win a fabulous pamper package which includes: Hair & Makeup Spa Treatments Mani & Pedi Shopping Spree with Stylist Gym Membership Date Night Photo Shoot Beauty Products

BEFORE

2013 MOMMY MAKEOVER WINNER WINNER – SUSAN

BEFORE

2013 WINNER – JESSICA

2013 WINNER – HEATHER

TO ENTER: Send us your favorite “before” photo with a brief explanation of why you want/need a Mommy Makeover! Have a friend you would like to secretly nominate for this giveaway? Send us an email @ info@activefamilymag.com. Also keep an eye out on for the giveaway on our facebook - www.facebook.com/activefamilymag. We will be choosing TWO winners! (Finalists will be posted to Facebook where YOUR friends and family will vote for the winner!)

10 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | MAY 2015

[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]

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[ PARENTING ]

The Life of the Party is Closer Than You Think by Rachel Macy Stafford

Rachel Macy Stafford is a certified special education teacher with a Master’s Degree in education and ten years of experience working with parents and children. In December 2010, this life-long writer felt compelled to share her journey to let go of distraction and grasp what really matters by creating the blog “Hands Free Mama.” Using her skills as a writer, teacher, and encourager, Rachel provides readers with simple, non-intimidating, and motivating methods to let go of distraction and connect with their loved ones. Rachel’s work has been featured on CNN, Good Morning America, Global News, USA Today, TIME.com, MSN.com, The Huffington Post, and Reader’s Digest. Her blog currently averages one million visitors a month. Rachel’s new book, HANDS FREE MAMA, is a New York Times Bestseller.

“She is like a sun, Shining over me She makes the good things better, Better than I ever dreamed.” -Green River Ordinance The other night, my friend and brilliant writer Alexandra Rosas shared a glimpse into her life. With short, non-descriptive sentences, it wasn’t intended to be profound. With text structure unpolished and informal, it wasn’t meant to evoke an emotional response like the well-crafted essays she writes. But yet her words brought me to my knees. I read them three times and then I cried. This is what Alexandra shared: I fell asleep on the couch at 7 last night. Woke up two hours later at 9, looked around, everyone gone. I popped in to check on littlest, found him in bed reading. “Where is everyone, honey?” He looked up and answered, “We all went to bed, Mom, because you’re the party.” That’s it, I thought to myself. This woman has achieved life’s highest honor. She is the party. She is the heartbeat. She is the reason for gathering. She is the celebration. If there is a more important role in life, I do not know what it is. For days, I thought about that ultimate compliment spoken by a little boy about his mother. In fact, I became a little obsessed with it. Could I be the party? The question frequently popped into my mind in the following days … As I played Frogger with my younger daughter at the orthodontist’s office and we both squealed when my frog made it safely to the other side …

12 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | MAY 2015

[ PARENTING ] Could I be the party?

present be the party?

As I talked to my eleven-year-old daughter at bedtime and she said, “Just put your arms around me and stay a little longer” …

When I saw my husband’s wide smile as he stood at the garage door, I remembered what he looked like when he was most worried about me. It was during the height of my overwhelmed life. I’d blown up when he said I needed to slow down … to stop doing so much … to smile once in a while. I locked myself in the bathroom and squeezed myself into the dusty corner between the powder blue wall and the toilet. I rested my head against the cold porcelain as my body wracked with sobs.

Could I be the party? As I congregated with old friends and we laughed, cried, and shared our difficult truths … Could I be the party? As I participated in the silly “Furry Language” my daughter made up to communicate with Banjo the cat … Could I be the party? As I spent the morning playing with my little nephews and happily agreed to “more jelly beans and more stories, Aunt Wachel” … Could I be the party? As I hoisted my growing girls over my head to do an “underdoggy”, their favorite move on a swing … Could I be the party?

“I don’t want to be here anymore … I don’t want to be here anymore,” I whispered over and over and over. I was just so tired. I was just so empty. I was just so stressed. I was just so sad all the time. I envisioned running away from it all, and then I felt like a monster for even thinking that. My husband kept knocking on the door and insisting that I let him in. But I stayed in my little corner, tucked into a ball until my tears ran out, wondering if I’d ever feel life in my heart again. I wasn’t able to articulate it then, but I can now. And it is always something I tell others when I have the privilege to share my story in person. I say:

It wasn’t until I pulled the car into the garage after picking up my older daughter from swim team practice that I finally had an answer. Our latest favorite song was playing on the radio. We had the bass pumping and the windows rolled down as we belted out the lyrics. My husband happened to be entering the house at the time. But when he saw us, he stopped for a moment and just smiled at me. The way he smiled with such joy—like he was happy to see me happy—made me catch my breath. He was happy to see me happy. He was happy to see me being the party.

Life is meant to be lived …

And that’s when I knew why Alexandra’s words had affected me so.

not guilt-ridden,

not managed, not controlled, not screamed, not stressed, not hurried,

not regretted, There was a time in my life when I wasn’t the party. I could plan the party like a boss. I could clean up the party without wasting a moment. I could wow the partygoers with beautiful presentation and decadent treats. I could make my family look picture perfect for the party. But when it came time for the party, I wasn’t really there. I was not a present and joyful participant. I was not the party. After all, how could someone who wasn’t emotionally

not scripted, not consumed by distractions, big or small, obvious or subtle. Life is meant to be lived … and sometimes we lose our way. I know I’m not alone when I share these difficult truths by MAY 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 13

[ PARENTING ] the reactions I see. When I spoke these words to a group of people recently, I saw the look of recognition … the tears of pain … the sighs of relief knowing we are not alone. The cause of our overwhelm might be different from person to person, but our desire to live a fulfilling life is not. It took many, many small, daily steps to free myself from my distracted state and get to the place where I woke up excited and happy … where I could turn off the outside world and turn toward my family … where I could offer my undivided presence and attention … where I could take time to love and be loved. I do not need to hide in the bathroom anymore. I am able to deal with struggles and challenges by staying present, communicating, and forgiving others and myself. I feel a new sense urgency in my life now. It is no longer about how much can I accomplish in a lifetime, but rather how much living and loving I can do each day. Last Sunday afternoon I felt that heart-stirring sense of urgency so I said no to an outside request. I said no to a pile of laundry. I said no to my dinging devices, my full inbox, and my dirty kitchen. I said yes to hiking up a mountain with my family. We got to the top of the glorious summit feeling triumphant and connected. After we ate our picnic, I stretched out on a big slab of rock. The sun relaxed me as the spring breeze blew back my hair. The next thing I knew, there was one daughter on each side of me. With no space between our bodies, we laid in silence warming our dry winter skin in the sun’s nourishing light. That’s when my younger daughter turned and looked straight into my soul. She said, “This is the life, Mama.”

accolades, or the perfect presentation that make you the party. It is something you do every single day whether you realize it or not. When you squeeze his hand as he walks into that new building and smile bravery right into his heart, You are the party. When you answer every single question with an inordinate amount of patience, You are the party. When you wait and wait and wait so she doesn’t have to wait alone, You are the party. When you think of one nice thing to say when no one else does, You are the party. When you sing softly when he’s frightened and say, “It will be okay,” You are the party. When you give up what you desperately want so she can have what she needs, You are the party. When you take a deep breath and choose love, You are the party. When you tearfully delight in the wonder of your precious ones,

But what my joy-filled heart heard was, “This is the Life Mama.” I am the party. I am the gathering place. I am the heartbeat. I am the celebration.

You are the party. You are the party because of the love you offer in small, daily doses. So don’t worry about how you look. Don’t worry about what you did or didn’t do yesterday. Don’t worry about that long list of flaws and failings no

By the grace of God and many, many tiny steps toward the light of love and connection, I am fully alive and well with my soul. My friends, where do you find yourself today? Far from where you want to be? Missing the joyful person you once were? Huddled in a tight corner with weary bones? Wherever you are on your own personal journey, I want you to remember it is not the grand gestures, the glowing 14 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | MAY 2015

one is keeping but you. Your love and presence are the highlight of someone’s life—the highlight of someone’s life. Keep waking up. Keep showing up. Keep picking yourself up from off the floor. You are the party—the Life of the Party. Your daily doses of love and presence make it so.

[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]

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[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ]

Ten Steps to Starting Friendships by Shasta Nelson I’ve been consumed with researching and developing content for my next book, The Intimacy Gap (so cannot wait to share with you what I’m putting together to help us bridge the gap between the intimacy we have and the intimacy we need and want!) which will come out, most likely in the Spring of 2016. But as I’ve been focused on what it means to deepen friendships–really, really, really, deepen them– it reminded me today that I also need to keep talking about how to start friendships! If you’re in a place where you need to be gathering up people to befriend, then here’s a quick list of my best advice for creating new friendships! The Ten Steps to Starting Friendships: 1. Own the Opportunity: Value friendship enough to do something about it! Be proud of yourself that you’re responding to your truth that you were made for more connecting! 2. Use Your Resources: Offer to help someone local host a dinner party with their friends. E-mail your friends from across the country and ask them if they know any fun women in your area they can connect you with since you’re new! Look through your friends’ local friends on Facebook and introduce yourself. Follow locals on Twitter and see what events they’re inviting people to attend. (For more ideas, read chapter 5 of my book!) Shasta Nelson, M.Div., is the Founder of GirlFriendCircles.com, a women’s friendship matching site in 35 cities across the U.S. and Canada. Her spirited and soulful voice for strong female relationships can be found in her book Friendships Don’t Just Happen! The Guide to Creating a Meaningful Circle of GirlFriends. She also writes at ShastasFriendshipBlog.com and in the Huffington Post, speaks across the country, and is a friendship expert in the media appearing on such shows as Katie Couric and the Today Show. Twitter: @girlfrndcircles

3. Practice Friendliness: Even if you’re shy, you simply have to decide what places feel authentic for you to be practicing friendliness: association meetings, lectures, networking events, the dog park, church, poetry readings, cafes, classes, and so on. 4. Affirm Her: No need to talk about the weather! Start conversations with the things you noticed about them: their hair, their outfit, their confidence, their laugh. We like people who like us. 5. Invite: Just making small talk with someone in the locker room after yoga is hardly the same as making a friend. As you meet women that you want to get to know better, you have to take the friendly chat to the next level. Try this: “Want to get a drink after class sometime next week?” 6. Be Specific about your Availability: The disease of “we should get together sometime” can ruin the best of potential BFFs. Instead, try, “I’m usually available for happy hour most nights or for Sunday morning brunches. What works best for you?” 7. Ask Personal Questions: By personal, I don’t mean private, but make sure

16 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | MAY 2015

[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ] conversation is about the two of you. Don’t risk an entire evening wasted on celebrity gossip, the latest movies, and hairstyles-gone-bad. These subjects feel temporarily bonding, but you haven’t shared yourself. Ask her why she appreciates where she works, what she’s got coming up that matters to her, what she loves to do in your new city, or what her highlights have been in the last few weeks. 8. Share the Positive: It’s a proven fact that we want friends to improve our happiness and health, not to bring us down. We haven’t earned that right yet to cry on each other’s shoulders. For now we will be warm, positive, and open-minded—someone she wants to spend more time with. 9. Follow Up. If it were a new romantic relationship, we’d be less than thrilled if he didn’t call for a week after our first date. Give the same respect to the women you connect with by writing an e-mail or text of thanks, expressing interest in getting to know her better.

when we could pull off another rendezvous! Why delay for friendship? Let’s just say it takes 6-10 times of connecting with someone before we feel “close” to them. Why spread those out over a year if you can make a friend in two months of weekly get-togethers? Momentum helps the bond—keep getting together as frequently as possible. Hopefully this list helps inspire you to be intentional as you’re meeting people and serves to remind you that waaaay more important than simply meeting people is how you treat the people you’re meeting and how you’re following up with them. Most of us actually meet enough people, we’re just not thinking of them as potential friends and doing something about it! I’d encourage you to pick the step that is hardest for you– step #1 of actually admitting the need? Step #5 of initiating some time together? Step #8 of focusing on adding value and joy to your time together? Step #10 of repeating the get-togethers a few more times

10. Follow Up If it were for work or romance, we’d suggest the very next opening on our calendar

and trusting that with each time your friendship will feel better?– and focusing on practicing that one!

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[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]

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[ PARENTING ]

Parenting expert and “recovering yeller” Amy McCready is the Founder of Positive Parenting Solutions and the author of If I Have to Tell You One More Time…The Revolutionary Program That Gets Your Kids to Listen Without Nagging, Reminding or Yelling (Penguin, 2011.) Amy is a regular parenting contributor on The TODAY Show and has also appeared on Rachael Ray, CBS This Morning, CNN, Fox & Friends, MSNBC, Steve Harvey and elsewhere. In her most important role, she plays mom to two teenage boys. Follow Amy on Twitter @AmyMcCreadyPPS.

Start With 10 Tips For Better Behavior by Amy McCready Sometimes, when tasks and schedules get overwhelming, it’s helpful to make a to-do list to make things feel more manageable and focused. If your children’s behavior problems have you feeling overwhelmed and not knowing what to do first, start with these 10 tips for better behavior. 1. Invest in one-on-one time with kids daily. By far, the best thing you can do to improve your children’s behavior is spending time with them individually every day, giving them the positive attention and emotional connection they’re hardwired to need. When they don’t have that positive attention, they will seek out attention in negative ways, and consequences and other discipline methods won’t work. Aim for 10-15 minutes a day per child and you’ll see measurable improvement almost immediately. 2. Get serious about sleep. Think of how you feel when you’re overtired – cranky,

20 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | MAY 2015

[ PARENTING ] irritable, your head and stomach hurt. It’s the same for kids, and most toddlers up to teens get far less sleep than their growing bodies need. Teens even need more sleep than some younger kids – so consult your family physician about the hours of sleep your kids need by age. If your child has a sleep deficit, try moving up bedtime by 10 minutes every few nights. A well-rested kid is a wellbehaved kid and can function better throughout the day, including school. 3. Focus on routines. Kids thrive with a routine, so set clearly defined routines for the most challenging times of the day, like mornings, after school, mealtimes and bedtimes. Let your kids help decide how the routine will go (do we get dressed or brush teeth first? How can you help get dinner ready?) For younger kids, write out the order of the routine using pictures or words and let them decorate it, then hang it where they’ll see it every day. Then stick to it. 4. Everyone pitches in. For better behavior, kids need to understand that everyone needs to contribute to make a household run smoothly. All kids, from toddlers to teens, should have “family contributions” (not “chores!”) they do daily – this helps bring your family closer together, teaches them life skills and works to prevent the entitlement epidemic.

child to “time out,” but most have found it just doesn’t work or lead to better behavior. That’s because a time out in the corner or bedroom doesn’t teach kids how to make better choices the next time, and generally, a time out just escalates a power struggle. Kids, especially the strong-willed, will push back, and hard. Instead, focus on training, not punishment. Ask, “What can we do differently next time?” and role play the do-over. 8. Just say no – to saying no. Kids barrage us with questions everyday, and more often than not, our answer is “no,” and kids resent it. Find opportunities to say “yes” when you can. If your daughter asks to go to the indoor pool in the middle of a busy weekday, try saying, “Going to the pool sounds like so much fun. Should we go tomorrow after school or on Saturday?” Of course, there will always be things that will need a big “no,” but try to redirect them to a more positive option. 9. Don’t worry, be happy. Be the example you want your kids to see. Think about how your kids might describe you to their friends – would they say you’re fun and lighthearted, or that you’re stressed and bossy? Try

5. Encourage your kids to be problem solvers. Time to retire your referee whistle – when parents step in the middle of a sibling disagreement and determine who’s at fault and dole out punishments, it actually makes things worse. To kids, they see a winner and a loser and a need to escalate the sibling rivalry. Encourage your kids to find a resolution to the problem on their own, which will help them solve conflicts as they grow older. If you have to get involved, don’t choose sides, but ask questions that will help them figure out a solution that all parties can feel good about. 6. Simplify family rules and be firm. It can be difficult for kids to keep a mess of rules straight. If it seems like you have 50 or so family rules, whittle down the list to what’s most important. Determine a consequence for each rule, make it clear to kids ahead of time of both the rules and consequences, and don’t give in. 7. Send time-out to the sidelines. Practically every parent has tried to punish or correct behavior by sending their

changing your energy by simply smiling more. It will help you keep calmer in times of stress, and your kids will notice and keep their behavior more positive, too. 10. Don’t ignore the source of misbehavior. Misbehavior is always a symptom of a deeper issue, and when we can find what causes it, we can use the right strategies to correct it. If Bella keeps dumping toys all over your desk, is she upset that you’ve been working all afternoon? Is Eli throwing a fit over having the blue plate because he really wanted to make a choice and feel independent? In the midst of misbehavior, stay calm and ask yourself what might be causing it. Cut through the chaos by following these 10 tips, and you’ll start seeing better behavior from your kids and you can start creating a happier, more peaceful home MAY 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 21

[ PARENTING ]

10 Things “They” Won’t Tell You…But I Will by Christine Burke (aka, Keeper of the Fruit Loops) When I joined the ranks of Mommyhood 10 years ago, I was blindsided by the truths that become glaringly apparent the day you join the club. And, as these truths became more evident, I sometimes felt like the other moms who already knew them were giggling at me next to their lockers and whispering behind my back. They were saying, “Look at that poor schmuck….aww, she just found out she’s never going to sleep again ever” and “Bwahahaha, she thinks crunches will bring her abs back….silly, silly girl”. Admittedly, I joined the club grossly misinformed but I cannot be the only one who was shocked an appalled to find that toddlers watch you pee. That’s what leads me to the list of things “they”, the moms snickering by the lockers, didn’t tell you before you got knocked up. The “10 Things “They” Won’t Tell You…But I Will” List is comprised of the hard learned truths I have gleaned along the way. In the interest of saving space and for the courtesy of my male readers (all 2 of them), I have decided that the following items will NOT make the list: what your boobs look like post partum, your first trip to the bathroom post C section and bathing suit shopping the summer after your first child. Frankly, those topics are entire blogs in and of themselves. Rather, the truths I have compiled are the little known, gonna catch you with your pants down if you don’t know ahead of time tidbits. Consider it my gift to you and yours. 10 Things “They” Won’t Tell You…But I Will

I am The Keeper of The Fruit Loops, Driver of The People Mover and Manager of The Fecal Roster. In other words, I’m a mom. An Erma Bombeck Martha Stewart with a Roseanne Barr twist, I have the organized cabinets and mouth to prove it. I live in Pennsylvania with my ever budget conscious husband, two blog inspiring Fruit Loops and my extensive collection of thrift shop finds. When I’m not writing, I can be found running marathons, governing the PTA like nobody’s business and pinning things on Pinterest like it’s my job. You can find me on Facebook, Twitter and in the smash hit books “I Just Want To Be Alone” and “Scary Mommy’s Guide To Surviving The Holidays”. For more information about Christine Burke, check out her website Keeper of the Fruit Loops: www.keeperofthefruitloops.com.

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1). There is not a single mother on this planet that knows what she’s doing. Not one. Every single mother makes it up as she goes along and hopes for the best. No lie. And, if a mom claims to know what she’s doing, she’s lying and you should not be friends with her. Exception to this rule: Mom Bloggers (ahem). 2). You will sleep again but it will never be the same. For the rest of your natural life, you will sleep with one ear to your door and you will be able to discern the night time goings on in your house better than any CIA agent with night vision goggles. With both eyes closed and in REM sleep, you will know that your son is sleepwalking and that your daughter needs Tylenol. It’s an amazing phenomenon, really. 3). Sick leave does NOT come with the job. You will sign permission forms with your head in the toilet, you will plan PTA parties doped up on pain killers after oral surgery and you will have a husband who asks you to get the dry cleaning when you are laying on the floor half dead with the flu. The managment does NOT care one iota about your health. Best to come to terms with this one now. 4). Make friends with moms who understand and do it as soon as your cherub gets here. Troll the halls of the Mother Baby Unit if you have to but find that

[ PARENTING ] one mom who lets you say anything about your kids and won’t judge you. Make sure to ask her if she knows what she is doing during the interview. If she says yes, drop her like a hot potato. If she says “Hells, NO!”, grab her, hold on to her and drink wine with her at every chance you get. And call her from the closet on the bad days. If she keeps answering, she’s a friend for life. 5). Sex will become, at times, a chore. Just another thing on the long list of to do things that never ever ends. Sex will be sandwiched on the list with things like “Make 25 Hello Kitty Themed Class Favors” and “Empty The Dishwasher”. Squeeze it in for obvious reasons and because it’s worth it to reconnect with your partner. If it’s a choice between “Have Sex” or “Fold Laundry”… remember that your pile of laundry will look unchanged in the morning, the following day and next Tuesday. But your relationship will not resemble itself very quickly if it’s not tended to. And, it’s okay if you think about the Hello Kitty favors during…hey, we’re moms, we multitask.

arena in which to raise healthy kids. Do the best that you can, save the judgment of others and refer to item #1 above. No one knows what they are talking about and only you know what’s right for your family. And if people judge you because you occasionally eat bright orange mac and cheese with a chaser of red Kool Aid, so be it.

9). All forms of Lycra, push up and Spanx become a necessary part of your wardrobe. Undergarments after childbirth will henceforth be chosen based on words like “sturdy” and “support” rather than “lacy” and “sexy”. Case closed. Further, yoga pants will become an integral part of your wardrobe and words like “elastic waistband” will cross your lips. You will begin to loathe anything that has a button front and you will no longer mock those who wear leggings because you yourself will

6). When you bring your cherub home from the hospital, be prepared: you might not like him/her at first. Of course you will love them and you will think the miracle of life is amazing and all that happy horsepuckey, but those first few days are just plain trying. In one fell swoop, this bundle comes into your world and single handedly ruins your ability to quickly run into a Dunkin Donuts for a cup of coffee. Everything becomes harder and it’s their fault….sort of. You will find your groove eventually but, it’s okay to admit that you don’t like your new life. And if you say it out loud, you”ll become one of the gals I’ll totally be friends with.

be rocking them. Embrace the new wardrobe choices as a chance to shop for the body that grew humans and wear those Spanx with pride.

10). You will be good at the job of mothering the minute you meet your cherub and you won’t screw them up too terribly. You will make mistakes and you will have hours where you are fully convinced your child will need extensive therapy to fix what you’ve done wrong. Just do the best that you can with the talents you have and you

7). You become a liar. You lie about Santa, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny and The Elf on The Shelf and all things magic. You will craft intricate lies to explain how Santa gets into your house, how the giant rodent leaves candy all over the family room and why the Elf on The Shelf didn’t go back to the North Pole for the 4th day in a row. You will become adept at boldfaced lying to your children yet expecting total honesty from them. If I were you, I’d start making a list of all the places the Elf can hide in your house. You’ll thank me. 8). Every single product on the market can hurt your child if you believe the hype. From BPAs to GMOs to free range and everything in between, everyone has an opinion. Throw in pesticides, lead, high fructose corn syrup and Dr. Oz and you have one crazy, confusing

will be fine. And, if your kids don’t like how you are doing your job, when they grow up, they can screw up their own kids any way they’d like. For now, own the phrase “I’m the Mommy and that’s why”.

Of course, this is not an all encompassing, all inclusive list. I’m sure I’ve left out truths or have forgotten to mention something but one thing is for sure: this mom will never be snickering at my locker behind your back. Nope. I’ll grab you by the arm, sit down and say, “Oh, honey, we’ve got to talk…..”. And then I’ll pour you a giant glass of wine while you digest the truth. MAY 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 23

[ EVENTS ]

May Alameda County MAY 1 Cinco De Mayo Celebration Martin Luther King, Jr. Youth Center Berkeley 4:00pm – 6:00pm www.cityofberkeley.info Crafts @ Rincon- Flower Pots Rincon Branch Library Livermore 3:00pm – 4:30pm www.cityoflivermore.net Fiddler on the Roof Firehouse Arts Center Pleasanton 8:00pm www.cityofpleasantonca.gov

MAY 2 Livermore Wine Country Festival First and Second Streets in Downtown Livermore Livermore 10:00am – 5:00pm www.cityoflivermore.net Star Wars Day Civic Center Library Livermore 1:00pm – 3:00pm www.cityoflivermore.net Pleasanton Bike to Market Delucchi Park Pleasanton 9:00am – 1:00pm www.cityofpleasantonca.gov

MAY 3

Email info@activefamilymag.com to subscribe to our weekly email blast for more events!

Year-Round Sunday Farmers’ Market South L Street & Railroad Avenue 10:00am – 2:00pm hwww.cityoflivermore.net

24 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | MAY 2015

MAY 4 Homework Hangout @RN Rincon Library Livermore 3:00pm – 5:00pm www.cityoflivermore.net

MAY 5 Paws to Read Tonight Pleasanton Public Library Pleasanton 7:00pm & 7:35pm www.cityofpleasantonca.gov

MAY 6 Older Americans Month Event Frank Ogawa Plaza Oakland 11:00am – 2:00pm www2.oaklandnet.com Learn & Play with Me Today Pleasanton Public Library Pleasanton 10:00am – 11:15am www.cityofpleasantonca.gov

MAY 7 “First Thursday: at the Dublin Farmers’ Market Emerald Glen Park Dublin 4:00pm – 8:00pm www.ci.dublin.ca.us We’re Talkin’ Books! Club Civic Center Library Livermore 7:00pm – 9:00pm www.cityoflivermore.net

MAY 8 Special Pre-School Music Program Pleasanton Public Library Pleasanton 11:00am – 11:45am www.cityofpleasantonca.gov

MAY 9 Spring Faire Dublin Heritage Park & Museums Dublin 12:00pm – 5:00pm www.ci.dublin.ca.us

Whole Foods Market Dublin Summer Social Persimmon Place 5200 Dublin Blvd. 11:00am – 3:00pm Meet Local Producers, Free Food Samples, Live Music, Free Family, Photos, Kids’ Activities www.facebook.com/ wholefoodsmarketdublin #WFMDublinCA

MAY 10 MOTHER’S DAY

MAY 11 Open Mic Night With My Friends Pleasanton Public Library Pleasanton 6:00pm – 8:00pm www.cityofpleasantonca.gov

MAY 12 Lego Club Dublin Library Dublin 3:30pm – 5:00pm www.ci.dublin.ca.us

MAY 13 Teddy Bears Take Over Museum Museum on Main Pleasanton 10:00am – 11:00am www.museumonmain.org

MAY 14 “Dublin Cooks Night” at the Dublin Farmers’ Market Emerald Glen Park Dublin 4:00pm – 8:00pm www.ci.dublin.ca.us

MAY 17 Introduction to GuQuin Music by Ms. Fei Wang Pleasanton Library Pleasanton 2:00 – 3:30pm www.cityofpleasantonca.gov

[ EVENTS ]

May MAY 20

MAY 2

MAY 9

MAY 23

Whole Foods Market Dublin Grand Opening Bread Breaking Ceremony Persimmon Place 5200 Dublin Blvd. 9:45am

Danville Farmer’s Market Railroad Avenue Municipal Parking Lot Danville 9:00am – 1:00pm www.danville.ca.gov

Rockin’ The City of Clayton Clayton 6:00pm www.ci.clayton.ca.us

Town Hall Theatre Presents “Moon Over Buffalo” Town Hall Theatre Lafayette 8:00pm www.ci.lafayette.ca.us

MAY 21

MAY 2 & 3

“Community Night” at the Dublin Farmers’ Market Emerald Glen Park Dublin 4:00pm – 8:00pm www.ci.dublin.ca.us

Clayton Art and Wine Festival Clayton Historic Main Street Calyton Various Times ci.clayton.ca.us

MAY 24

MAY 3

MAY 15

The Amazing Race of Pleasant Hill Various Locations Pleasant Hill 12:00pm – 4:00pm www.ci.pleasant-hill.ca.us

Friday Night Out – Dynamic Duct Tape Diablo Vista Middle School Danville 7:00pm – 9:00pm www.danville.ca.gov

MAY 4

The Symphonic Beatles DV Performing Arts Center San Ramon 7:30pm www.sanramon.ca

Free Concert by Soprano – Shawnette Sulker Pleasanton Library Pleasanton 2:00pm – 3:00pm www.cityofpleasantonca.gov

MAY 25 MEMORIAL DAY

MAY 28 “Family Night” at the Dublin Farmers’ Market Emerald Glen Park Dublin 4:00pm – 8:00pm www.ci.dublin.ca.us

MAY 31 Rockridge Ice Cream Tour Various Locations Oakland 3:00pm www.rockridgefoodtour.com

Contra Costa County MAY 1 Disney’s My Son Pinocchio Jr. DV Performing Arts Center San Ramon 8:00pm www.sanramon.ca.gov

College Park High School Photography Exhibit Pleasant Hill City Hall Pleasant Hill 8:30am – 5:00pm www.ci.pleasant-hill.ca.us

MAY 6 Off The Grid Food Truck Market Trelany Road Pleasant Hill 5:00pm – 9:00pm www.ci.pleasant-hill.ca.us

MAY 7 First Thursday Shop Local Day and Night Downtown Hartz Avenue Danville All Day www.danville.ca.gov Wine & Chocolate Stroll Historic Downtown Danville Danville 6:00pm – 9:00pm www.danville.ca.gov

Moms and Their Fans Forest Home Farms San Ramon 10:00am – 2:00pm www.sanramon.ca.gov

MAY 25 MEMORIAL DAY

MAY 10 MOTHER’S DAY

MAY 16 Lafayette Juniors 16th Annual Kitchen Tour Lafayette’s Premier Kitchens Lafayette 10:00am - 3:00pm www.lafayettejuniors.org

San Ramon Art and Wind Festival Central Park San Ramon 10:00am – 5:00pm www.sanramon.ca.gov

MAY 29, 30, 31 Disney’s The Jungle Book DV Performing Arts Center San Ramon Various Times www.sanramon.ca.gov

MAY 31 Monkey See Monkey Do… Family Friendly Improv Front Row Theatre San Ramon 2:00pm www.sanramon.ca.gov

MAY 17 Gold Coast Chamber Players Concert “Whirlwind” Lafayette Library & Learning Center Lafayette 3:00pm www.ci.lafayette.ca.us

MAY 21 Doggie Night Downtown Danville Danville 5:00pm – 8:00pm www.danville.ca.gov

MAY 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 25

[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]

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[[ EVENTS PARENTING ] ] Dr. Michele Borba is an internationally recognized expert and author on children, teens, parenting, bullying and moral development. She is an NBC contributor appearing over 100 times on the TODAY show and is the regular parenting expert on Dr. Drew’s Lifechangers. Her work has been featured on Dr. Phil, Dateline, The View, The Doctors, Fox News, The Early Show and CNN and well as in Newsweek, People, Good Housekeeping, Chicago Tribune, U.S. News & World Report, Washington Post, The New York Times and The Globe and Mail. She was an MSNBC contributor to two televised “Education Nation” specials. Dr. Borba is the awardwinning author of 22 parenting and educational books translated into 14 languages. Titles include: Don’t Give Me That Attitude!, Parents Do Make A Difference, The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries, and Nobody Likes Me, Everybody Hates Me!, No More Misbehavin’, Building Moral Intelligence (cited by Publishers’ Weekly as “Among the most noteworthy of 2001”), and Esteem Builders used by 1.5 million students worldwide. She writes as the parenting expert for Dr. Oz’s website, as well a daily column for her blog, Dr. Borba’s Reality Check: www.micheleborba.com Twitter: @micheleborba

Raising Caring, Respectful, Ethical Children by Dr. Michele Borba Why Adults Must Be Intentional In Planting Seeds of Empathy Research in human development clearly shows that the seeds of empathy, caring, and compassion are present from early in life, but that to become caring, ethical people, children need adults to help them at every stage of childhood to nurture these seeds into full development. We should work to cultivate children’s concern for others because it’s fundamentally the right thing to do, and also because when children can empathize with and take responsibility for others, they’re likely to be happier and more successful. They’ll have better relationships their entire lives, and strong relationships are a key ingredient of happiness. In today’s workplace, success often depends on collaborating effectively with others, and children who are empathic and socially aware are also better collaborators. Below are a set of guideposts to raising caring, respectful, and ethical children, along with tips for putting them into action. These guideposts are supported by many studies and by the work that our various organizations have conducted over several decades with families across America. 1. Work to develop caring, loving relationships with your kids Why? Children learn caring and respect when they are treated that way. When our children feel loved, they also become attached to us. That attachment makes them more receptive to our values and teaching. How? Loving our children takes many forms, such as tending to their physical and emotional needs, providing a stable and secure family environment,

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[ PARENTING ] showing affection, respecting their individual personalities, taking a genuine interest in their lives, talking about things that matter, and affirming their efforts and achievements. Try this: • Regular time together. Plan regular, emotionally intimate time with your children. Some parents and caretakers do this through nightly bedtime reading or other shared activity. Some build one-on-one time with their children into their weekly schedules rather than leaving it to chance. You might, for example, spend one Saturday afternoon a month with each of your children doing something you both enjoy. • Meaningful conversation. Whenever you have time with your child, take turns asking each other questions that bring out your thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Ask questions such as: “What was the best part of your day? The hardest part?” “What did you accomplish today that you feel good about?” “What’s something nice someone did for you today? What’s something nice you did?” “What’s something you learned today—in school or outside of school?”

become like us if they trust and respect us. Adults can reflect on whether our children respect us and, if we think they don’t, consider why, and how we might repair the relationship. Try this: • Service. Regularly engage in community service or model other ways of contributing to a community. Even better, consider doing this with your child. • Honesty and humility. Talk with your child when you make a mistake that affects them about why you think you made it, apologize for the mistake, and explain how you plan to avoid making the mistake next time. • Check-in with others. Reflect and consult with people you trust when you’re finding it hard to be caring or to model important ethical qualities like fairness. • Take care of yourself. Whether it’s spending time with a friend, going for a walk, praying or meditating, try to make time to relieve your stress both because it’s important for you and because it will enable you to be more attentive to and caring with others. 3. Make caring for others a priority and set high ethical expectations

3. Be a strong moral role model and mentor Why? Children learn ethical values and behaviors by watching our actions and the actions of other adults they respect. Children will listen to our teaching when we walk the talk.

Why? It’s very important that children hear from their parents and caretakers that caring about others is a top priority and that it is just as important as their own happiness. Even though most parents and caretakers say that their children being caring is a top priority, often children aren’t hearing that message.

How? Pay close attention to whether you are practicing honesty, fairness, and caring yourself and modeling skills like solving conflicts peacefully and managing anger and other difficult emotions effectively. But, nobody is perfect all the time. That is why it’s important for us, in fact, to model for children humility, self-awareness, and honesty by acknowledging and working on our mistakes and flaws.

How? A big part of prioritizing caring is holding children to high ethical expectations, such as honoring their commitments, doing the right thing even when it is hard, standing up for important principles of fairness and justice, and insisting that they’re respectful, even if it makes them unhappy and even if their peers or others aren’t behaving that way.

It’s also important for us to recognize what might be getting in the way of our own caring. Are we, for example, exhausted or stressed? Does our child push our buttons in a specific way that makes caring for her or him hard at times? And remember, children will only want to

Try this: • A clear message. Consider the daily messages you send to children about the importance of caring. For example, instead of saying to children “The most important thing is that you’re happy,” you might say “The MAY 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 29

[ PARENTING ] most important thing is that you’re kind and that you’re happy.” • Prioritize caring when you talk with other key adults in your children’s lives. For example, ask teachers and coaches whether your children are good community members in addition to asking about their academic skills, grades, or performance. • Encourage kids to “work it out.” Before letting your child quit a sports team, band, or a friendship, ask them to consider their obligations to the group or the friend, and encourage them to work out problems. 4. Provide opportunities for children to practice caring and gratitude Why? Children need practice caring for others and being grateful—it’s important for them to express appreciation for the many people who contribute to their lives. Studies show that people who engage in the habit of expressing gratitude are more likely to be helpful, generous, compassionate, and forgiving — and they’re also more likely to be happy and healthy. How? Learning to be grateful and caring is in certain respects like learning to play a sport or an instrument. Daily repetition — whether it’s helping a friend with homework, pitching in around the house, having a classroom job, or routinely reflecting on what we appreciate about others — and increasing challenges make caring and gratitude second nature and develop children’s caregiving capacities. Hold family meetings that give children practice helping to solve family problems such as squabbles between siblings, hassles getting off to school, and making meals more pleasant. Although as parents and caretakers we always need to stand firmly behind key values such as caring and fairness, we can make our home democratic in key respects, asking our children to express their views while they listen to ours. Involving children in making plans to improve family life teaches perspective-taking and problem- solving skills and gives them an authentic responsibility: becoming co-creators of a happy family. Try this: • Real responsibilities. Expect children to routinely help, for example, with household chores and siblings, and only 30 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | MAY 2015

praise uncommon acts of kindness. When these kinds of routine actions are simply expected and not rewarded, they’re more likely to become ingrained in every day actions • Make caring and justice a focus. Start conversations with children about the caring and uncaring acts they see in their daily lives or on television and about acts of justice and injustice they might witness or hear about in the news, such as a person who stood up for an important cause or an instance of sexism or racism. Ask children how they see these actions and explain why you think these actions are caring or uncaring, just or unjust. • Expressing thanks. Consider making expressing gratitude a daily ritual at dinnertime, bedtime, in the car, or on the subway. Encourage children to express appreciation for family members, teachers, or others who contribute to their lives. 5. Expand your child’s circle of concern Why? Almost all children empathize with and care about a small circle of families and friends. Our challenge is help children learn to have empathy and care about someone outside that circle, such as a new child in class, someone who doesn’t speak their language, the school custodian, or someone who lives in a distant country. How? It is important that children learn to zoom in, listening closely and attending to those in their immediate circle, and to zoom out, taking in the big picture and considering the range of people they interact with every day. Children also need to consider how their decisions impact a community. Breaking a school rule, for example, can make it easier for others to break rules. Especially in our more global world, it’s important, too, for children to develop concern for people who live in other cultures and communities. Try this: • Children facing challenges. Encourage children to consider the perspectives and feelings of those who may be vulnerable, such as a new child at school or a child experiencing some family trouble. Give children some simple ideas for taking action, like comforting a classmate who was teased or reaching out to a new student. • Zooming out. Use newspaper or TV stories to start conversations with children about other people’s hardships

[ PARENTING ] and challenges, or simply the different experiences of children in another country or community.

times or in other situations. What should they do when a schoolmate tells them bad things about another child? When they see someone cheating on a test or stealing?

• Listening. Emphasize with your child the importance of really listening to others, especially those people who may seem unfamiliar and who may be harder to immediately understand. 6. Promote children’s ability to be ethical thinkers and positive change-makers in their communities Why? Children are naturally interested in ethical questions and grappling with these ethical questions can help them figure out, for example, what fairness is, what they owe others, and what to do when they have conflicting loyalties. Children are also often interested in taking leadership roles to improve their communities. They want to be forces for good. Many of the most impressive programs to build caring and respect and to stop bullying and cruelty, for example, have been started by children and youth. How? You can help children become ethical thinkers and leaders by listening to and helping them think through their own ethical dilemmas, such as, “Should I invite a new neighbor to my birthday party when my best friend doesn’t like her?” At the same time, you can provide opportunities for your children to fight injustice in their communities and to strengthen their communities in other ways. Try this: • Taking action. Encourage children to take action against problems that affect them, such as cyberbullying or an unsafe street corner. • Joining up. Provide opportunities for children to join causes, whether it’s reducing homelessness, supporting girls’ education in developing countries, calling attention to the plight of abused animals, or any area that is of interest to them. • Doing “with.” Encourage children not just to “do for” others but to “do with” others, working with diverse groups of students to respond to community problems. • Thinking out loud with your child. Start a conversation about ethical dilemmas that arise on TV shows or give children ethical dilemmas to grapple with at meal

When they’ve done something wrong and are afraid to admit it to their parents or caretakers? 7. Help children develop self-control and manage feelings effectively Why? Often the ability to care for others is overwhelmed by anger, shame, envy, or other negative feelings. How? We can teach children that all feelings are ok, but some ways of dealing with them are not useful. Children need our help learning to cope with feelings in productive ways. Try this: • Identifying feelings. Name for children their difficult feelings such as frustration, sadness, and anger and encourage them to talk to you about why they’re feeling that way. • 3 steps to self-control. A simple way to help children to manage their feelings is to practice three easy steps together: stop, take a deep breath through the nose and exhale through the mouth, and count to five. Try it when your child is calm. Then, when you see her getting upset, remind her about the steps and do them together. • Resolving conflicts. Practice with your child how to resolve conflicts. Consider a conflict you or your child witnessed or experienced that turned out badly, and role play different ways of responding. Try to achieve mutual understanding—listening to and paraphrasing each other’s feelings until both people feel understood. If your child observes you experiencing a difficult feeling and is concerned, talk to your child about how you are handling it. • Clear limits. Use authority wisely to set clear boundaries. Explain how your limits are based on a reasonable and loving concern for your child’s welfare. Raising a caring, respectful, ethical child is and always has been hard work. But it’s something all of us can do. And no work is more important or ultimately more rewarding. MAY 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 31

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[ SUMMER CAMP SPOTLIGHT ]

Camp Spotlight VIVA EL ESPANOL Summer 2015 we will be offering age-appropriate Spanish immersion programs for: Elementary school students and Teens. Spanish immersion day camps are designed to give children a unique opportunity to learn or improve their Spanish language skills. They consist of one-week sessions. During each week, students participate in interactive games, music and movement activities, and arts & crafts projects that center around a specific theme. To register: (925) 962-9177 | www.vivaelespanol.org

SUPER FRANKS Super Franks Super Fun Summer Camps are going to be the highlight of summer for the kids and will provide a well-deserved break from summer for parents... Our camps target kids who are entering Kindergarten through those entering the 3rd grade. Our amazing staff uses an Edu-Tainment model, where we teach lessons through fun games, creative crafts and organized activities. Each camp also includes a camp shirt, healthy snacks, delicious lunches and a â&#x20AC;&#x153;Super Camp Champâ&#x20AC;? medal awarded on the last day of camp. To register: (925) 271-5880 www.superfranks.com 40 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | MAY 2015

CLUBSPORT PLEASANTON ClubSport offers sports and specialty Summer Camps for school-aged kids (512 years old). Participants receive instruction in a variety of sports, activities, and projects. Keep your kid healthy and active all summer long with our fun and exciting day camps. Weekly sessions run from June 15 through August 21. Non-members are also welcome! To register: (925) 225-2406 www.clubsports.com/pleasanton

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[ PARENTING ]

Christine Carter, Ph.D.*, is a sociologist and happiness expert at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center. She is the author of “RAISING HAPPINESS: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents.” She teaches online happiness classes that help parents bring more joy into their own lives and the lives of their children, and she writes an award-winning blog for *Greater Good* (www.greatergoodparents.org).

Feel Starved for Time?

Here’s a Surprising–and Easy–Solution by Dr. Christine Carter Although I presumably spent most of my childhood daydreaming, I seldom do it anymore. Occasionally, I’ll catch myself spacing out in the shower, just standing there, and I’ll try to hustle myself back on track, lest I waste any more time or water. Rarely do we just let ourselves stare into space these days. Like many people, I feel uncomfortable when I’m not doing something, uncomfortable “wasting time.” We humans have become multi-tasking productivity machines. We can work from anywhere, to great effect. We can do more, and do it far more quickly, than we ever dreamed possible. Our fabulous new technologies buy us tons more time to crank out our work, get through our emails, and keep up withModern Family. Time my great-grandmother spent making food from scratch, or hand-washing the laundry, we can now spend, say, driving our kids to their away games. So now that we have so much more time to work and do things previous generations never dreamed possible (or even deemed desirable), why do we always feel starved for time? The obvious answer is that we have so much more work, and expectations

42 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | MAY 2015

[ PARENTING ] about what we will accomplish on a good day have expanded, but the number of hours in that day have stayed the same. That’s true, but I also think there is something else at work here: We have gotten really, really bad at just doing nothing. Look around: We can’t even stand to wait in an elevator for 10 seconds without checking our smartphones. I’m endlessly fascinated by a new series of studies where the research subjects were put alone in a room, with nothing to do. The researchers describe their work: In 11 studies, we found that participants typically did not enjoy spending 6 to 15 minutes in a room by themselves with nothing to do but think, that they enjoyed doing mundane external activities much more, and that many preferred to administer electric shocks to themselves instead of being left alone with their thoughts. Most people seem to prefer to be doing something rather than nothing, even if that something is negative. You read that right: Many people (67 percent of men and 25 percent of women, to be exact) actually gave themselves painful electric shocks instead of just sitting there doing nothing–after they had indicated to the researchers that they would pay money NOT to be shocked again. One guy shocked himself 190 times in 15 minutes. This brings me back to my main point: Stillness–or the ability to just sit there and do nothing–is a skill, and as a culture we’re not practicing this skill much these days. When we can’t tolerate stillness, we feel uncomfortable when we have downtime, and so we cancel it out by seeking external stimulation, which is usually readily available in our purse or pocket. Instead of just staring out the window on the bus, for example, we read through our Facebook feed. We check our email waiting in line at the grocery store. Instead of enjoying our dinner, we mindlessly shovel food in our mouths while staring at a screen. Here’s the core problem with all of this: We human beings need stillness in order to recharge our batteries. The constant stream of external stimulation that we get from our televisions and computers and smart phones, while often gratifying in the moment, ultimately causes what neuroscientists call “cognitive overload.” This state of feeling overwhelmed impairs our ability

to think creatively, to plan, organize, innovate, solve problems, make decisions, resist temptations, learn new things easily, speak fluently, remember important social information (like the name of our boss’s daughter, or our daughter’s boss), and control our emotions. In other words, it impairs basically everything we need to do in a given day.[i] But wait, there’s more: We only experience big joy and real gratitude and the dozens of other positive emotions that make our lives worth living by actually being in touch with our emotions–by giving ourselves space to actually feel what it is we are, well, feeling. In an effort to avoid the uncomfortable feelings that stillness can produce (such as the panicky feeling that we aren’t getting anything done), we also numb ourselves to the good feelings in our lives. And research by Matt Killingsworth suggests that actually being present to what we’re feeling and experiencing in the moment–good or bad–is better for our happiness in the end. Here’s the main take-away: If we want to be highfunctioning and happy, we need to re-learn how to be still. When we feel like there isn’t enough time in the day for us to get everything done, when we wish for more time… we don’t actually need more time. We need more stillness. Stillness to recharge. Stillness so that we can feel whatever it is that we feel. Stillness so that we can actually enjoy this life that we are living. So if you are feeling overwhelmed and time-starved: Stop. Remember that what you need more than time (to work, to check tasks off your list) is downtime, sans stimulation. As a society, we don’t just need to learn to tolerate stillness, we actually need to cultivate it. Fortunately, it’s not complicated. Try driving in silence, with your radio and phone off. (Encourage your children to look out the window while you drive them, instead of down at their devices.) Eat meals out of the sight and sound of your phones and televisions. Take a walk outside every day, preferably in nature, without a phone or music player. If it’s hard, just try a few minutes at a time, adding a few minutes each day. Just practice; it’ll get easier, and the benefits will become more apparent. Finally, forgive yourself the next time you find yourself staring blankly into space. You aren’t wasting time. You’re catching up on your stillness. MAY 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 43

[ PARENTING ]

Jim Taylor, Ph.D., Psychology, has worked with young people, parents and educators for more than 27 years. Jim is the author of 14 books, four of which are parenting books. Jim has appeared on NBC’s Today Show, Fox News Channel, ABC’s World News This Weekend, and the major television network affiliates around the country. He has participated in many radio shows. Dr. Taylor has been an expert source for articles that have appeared in The London Telegraph, The Los Angeles Times, The New York Daily News, The Chicago Tribune, The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, Outside, Men’s Health, and many other newspapers and magazines. Jim lives north of San Francisco with his wife, Sarah, and his daughters, Catie and Gracie. To learn more, visit www. drjimtaylor.com.

5 Messages To Instill Compassion In Your Children by Dr. Jim Taylor Raising compassionate children is no small feat these days. Because of the egocentrism of children’s early years combined with the increasingly prevalent messages of selfishness, narcissism, and indifference that popular culture communicates to them, children are not likely to readily learn compassion on their own. This means that you have to make an extra effort to instill this essential value in your children’s lives. Your children’s ability to care about others must be nurtured by you in their early years and woven into the very fabric of your family’s life. The wonderful thing about compassion is that there are so many conduits through which you can communicate its messages that can impact your children. When you immerse your children in a sea of messages of compassion, they are all but assured of getting the messages loud and clear. Live a Compassionate Life You send the most powerful messages about compassion to your children by living and expressing those messages in your own life. If you lead a compassionate life, your children will get this message frequently and consistently, and will likely internalize it in their own lives. Expressions of compassion in your life are communicated to your children in several ways, both obvious and subtle. Your children, particularly when they’re young, will most notice the larger compassionate acts you engage in, for example, volunteering your time for a worthy cause or traveling a long distance to support a family member in need. As your children get older and begin to grasp the subtleties of compassion, they will also see the smaller expressions of compassion you make, such as comforting them when they scrape their knee or assuming dinner duties when your spouse is stressed out from work. Even smaller acts of compassion for example, being kind to a waiter at a restaurant, offer your children more subtle lessons about the depth and breadth of living a compassionate life.

44 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | MAY 2015

[ PARENTING ] Also, when you express emotions related to compassion (e.g., empathy, kindness) and the emotions you feel when you act compassionately (e.g., satisfaction, pride), you show your children what they will feel when they act compassionately. At first, you may need to tell your children about the emotions you feel, but, as they learn and ingrain the emotional connection, they will be able to sense them from you directly.

them with other resources, for example, books, television shows, films, and lectures that describe acts of compassion in greater depth and give your children the opportunity to more fully delve into its many facets. The goal of these many and diverse forms of messaging is to evoke in your children the thoughts, emotions, and calls to action that will make compassion a part of who they are and the way they live.

Surround Yourself With Compassionate People As your children expand their social world, the messages from others become increasingly influential. You can actively create a critical mass of people and institutions that will support and reinforce your messages of compassion. The neighborhoods in which you live, the other families with whom you socialize, the schools your children attend, and the activities in which your children participate are all a part of your children’s “message environment” over which you can exert an influence. When you surround your children with likeminded people you not only ensure that your children get supportive messages from many different sources, but those people also act as a shield against unwanted messages directed toward them.

Engage Your Children in Compassionate Activities There is no more powerful way of sending messages of compassion to your children than by having them experience it directly through compassionate activities. You can encourage acts of compassion in your family, for example, consoling a sibling who is upset or being extra loving when you have the flu.

Talk to Your Children About Compassion As your children mature, you can begin to talk to them directly about compassion. This conduit enables them to develop an intellectual understanding of what compassion is and the role it can play in their lives. Explain what compassion is and why it is important to them, your family, and the world as a whole. The way to really reinforce this message is to offer your children examples of compassion. Point out ways in which your children can express compassion in your family, for example, being kind to their siblings. You can also highlight ways they can show compassion toward their community and the world at large such as donating old clothes to charity. Explore Compassion Raising your children’s awareness and understanding of compassion is not going to be accomplished in one or even a few conversations. Instead, this process is an ongoing dialogue in which you regularly engage your children with discussions and experiences related to compassion. You can search for examples of compassion—or its opposites, indifference and hatred— in various forms of media, for example, newspapers, magazines, and the Web will offer daily examples of compassion. As your children gain a deeper appreciation and understanding of compassion, you can further engage

You can make compassionate activities family affairs in which all of you participate, for example, fostering an abandoned pet. You can then talk about the experiences over dinner to share stories, discuss who and how everyone might have helped most, and to share the feelings that the experience evoked. There are many benefits to this direct experience. Your children put a human face on their acts of compassion and see first hand its impact on those they are helping. Your children also experience the emotions associated with compassion, including empathy, caring, and satisfaction, with immediacy and intensity. And they meet and interact with others who value compassion, thus providing an additional conduit for your messages of compassion. Who Compassionate Children Become Compassion is such a wonderful attribute because it is the wellspring of so many other special qualities, for example, kindness, love, and generosity, that not only help your children become just plain decent people, but also will serve them so well in so many aspects of their lives. Compassionate children are gentle, considerate, and sympathetic. They are responsive to others’ needs, helpful, and motivated to do good. Compassionate children are also generous and willing to give of themselves to others. Children who express compassion are loved, valued, and respected and, when they grow up, become extraordinary friends, co-workers, spouses, and parents. What makes compassion so wonderful for children is that its expression is a win-win for those involved. The giver feels the satisfaction of giving and the receiver expresses appreciation and will likely reciprocate in some way with that person and others. MAY 2015 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 45

[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]

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