SEPTEMBER 2017
DREAMY WEEKEND in Santa Cruz
10 TRUTHS Middle Schoolers Should Know
4 EASY WAYS
to Build Your Child’s Self Esteem with Your Words
[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]
NATURE’S PLAYGROUND
Tahoe
Vacation Better Situated on Lake Tahoe’s south shore in a tranquil lakefront environment, this familyfriendly resort featuring hotel service and amenities is the perfect getaway for any reason. Isn’t it time to vacation better? Sign up to unlock exclusive A-List Insider member perks and benefits. 855·945·4064 | astonlakelandvillage.com
IN THE MONTESSORI TRADITION
The Concordia School A warm, welcoming community since 1973 Hands-on learning for children ages 2 years through 6th grade Home-like, multi-age classroom Art, science, music, and Spanish integrated into daily life Quality before & after school care Full member of the American Montessori Society
School Tours Scheduled Weekly Call Today 925-689-6910
2353 FIFTH AVENUE ● CONCORD ● WWW.CONCORDIASCHOOL.COM 2 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2017
PUB: Active Fam Magazine Issue: Aug 2017 Property: LLV Size: Half page nonbleed (7.75” x 4.8125” Colors: Full DUE: 7/15
Ranked Top 10 Diabetes & Endocrinology Neonatology UCSF Benioff Children’s Hospitals, with campuses in San Francisco and Oakland, rank among the country’s best in 9 specialties, and Best in Bay Area in 6 specialties.
SEPTEMBER 2017 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 3
Volume 4 / Issue 44
[ PARENTING ]
[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ] [ SEASONAL FUN ]
4 Easy Ways to Build Your Child’s Self Esteem with Your Words
6 Things All Happy Moms Do
Dreamy Weekend in Santa Cruz
28
10 Park Guide
10 Truths Middle Schoolers Should Know
An Unforgettable Reflection: My Issues Don’t Have to be My Children’s Issues
12
34
Chore Sharing Between Parents and Kids
[ CHILDREN’S HEALTH ]
8
Dog- Friendly East Bay Parks & Hikes
Ask the Expert: Lead Poisoning in Children
18 The Parents’ Guide to the X-Plan: How to Hold Up Your End of the Bargain
22
15
38
32 [ RESTAURANTS ] Sabio on Main –Tapas Cuisine, Elevated
24
[ EVENTS ] September Calendar
20
Is Guilt a Necessity in Parenting?
30
10 4 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2017
24
32
FACT:
Social and emotional intelligence may be the most important determinant of a child’s future success.
PRIMROSE WAY:
Being school-ready is just the beginning. • Pre-Registering Infants - Private Kindergarten for Fall 2017
• Pre-Register Now & Avail Founding Family Special Tuition Rates
Primrose School of Livermore 2901 Las Positas Rd Livermore, CA 94551 925.215.7372 | PrimroseLivermore.com | facebook.com/PrimroseLivermore/ Each Primrose School is a privately owned and operated franchise. Primrose Schools and The Leader in Educational Child Care are trademarks of Primrose School Franchising Company. ©2014 Primrose School Franchising Company. All rights reserved. See primroseschools.com for ‘fact’ source and curriculum detail.
Local Life & Style for the East Bay Area
Publisher/Editor
Marketing Assistant Interns
Contributing Authors
Tracie Brown Vollgraf
Jaida Sinclair
Advertising Sales Director
Fashion Editor
Kathy Brillheart kbrillheart@activefamilymag.com
Rachel Fawkes www.fawkeshunter.com
Advertising Sales Managers
Design/Production
Mary Oakes moakes@activefamilymag.com
Teresa Agnew Craft
Dr. Laura Markham Kari Kampakis Laurie Hollman, Ph.D. Elizabeth Kang Anastasia Gavalas Rachel Macy Stafford Amy McCready Dr. Alison Matsunaga Kari Kampakis
Active Family is published by TAG Marketing Group Mailing Address | P.O. Box 5158, Pleasanton, CA 94566
Advertising Inquiries | 925.789.0709 Email Address | info@activefamilymag.com
Editor’s Note The school year is in full swing and Fall is suddenly upon us. California promises plenty of warm days ahead and we have provided a few ways in which to spend them! Flip to page 10 to find our travel feature highlighting the historic Dream Inn found in Santa Cruz. If you are looking for some quality beach time, make your reservations today! On page 26 you will find a comprehensive East Bay Park Guide. Pack the picnic basket, grab the kids and choose from a plethora of favorite Bay Area spots. Want to take Fido along? Then turn to page 32 for our dog-friendly East Bay Parks and Hikes Guide. Enjoy! Tracie Brown Vollgraf Editor info@activefamilymag.com
6 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2017
Images: © AMNH/C. Chesek © AMNH 2014
A new, prehistoric exhibit | Now Open It’s amazing what a fossil can reveal. With massive, life-size models, an interactive flight simulator, real pterosaur fossils, and more—this new exhibit will leave a lasting impression. Fossilized forever, but only here for a limited time. Get tickets at calacademy.org Pterosaurs: Flight in the Age of Dinosaurs is organized by the American Museum of Natural History, New York (amnh.org)
[ PARENTING ]
Dr. Laura Markham is the author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting. She earned her Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from Columbia University and has worked as a parenting coach with countless parents across the English-speaking world, both in person and via phone. You can find Dr. Laura online at AhaParenting.com, the website of Aha! Moments for parents of kids from birth through the teen years, where she offers a free daily inspiration email to parents.
4 Easy Ways to Build Your Child’s Self Esteem with Your Words by Dr. Laura Markham “If you want your children to improve, let them overhear the nice things you say about them to others.” – Haim Ginott Children rely on us to interpret the world: “That’s HOT, Don’t touch!... Now we wash our hands...We can walk now that the light is green… We always… We never… This is how we do it… The sky is blue…” What happens when they hear: “You’d lose your head if it wasn’t glued on… That was a dumb thing to do… You drive me crazy… Why can’t you… You never… You always…”? Or overhear: “You won’t believe the day I’ve had with that kid… He’s so irresponsible… She never does her chores without me hounding her… He can’t 8 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2017
[ PARENTING ] control himself… She has such a temper…”
and more often. Comment especially on any progress in the “right direction,” even if it isn’t perfect. We all need
They believe it.
encouragement to keep plugging away towards a goal.
Even if they don’t show it, even if they act like they don’t
3. Empower your child by helping her keep “failure” in
care, on some level our children believe everything we
perspective.
say.
Children create beliefs about the world from every experience they have. When things don’t work out as
This could demoralize every parent at times, because
they had hoped, they often draw global conclusions.
we’ve all said things that we later wish we hadn’t.
That’ why “I got all these words wrong” can easily
But instead, let’s use it to our advantage, and to our
become “I’m just no good at spelling... I’m not a good
children’s advantage. Why not leverage our children’s
student... I’m dumb.”
trust in what we say to empower them to become their best selves?
Help your child reframe situations to see that any given setback is temporary AND she has some control over
Our words don’t have to be perfect. But what if we
whether things will work out next time. “You’re really
practiced these four habits?
disappointed that you didn’t know these words… And these are hard words, but it’s only one test… We can help
1. Empower your child by seeing her best self.
you learn the words for next week… What could we do
Research shows that kids’ beliefs determine their
next week so that you know the words before the spelling
behavior. When you observe something positive about
test?”
your child, tell her what you see. “You’re working so hard on that… Hey, I saw you got frustrated with your brother,
Then, give your child as much support as necessary so
but you were able to stop yourself from yelling....Wow,
that she can be successful -- which is very different than
you read that whole book yourself!… I’ve noticed that
doing it for her. Seeing that their actions have a big
you’re remembering to brush your teeth now without
impact on their success helps kids try harder next time,
being reminded most of the time.” Notice that these are
instead of giving up on themselves.
specific observations about what your child is actually doing, rather than global pronouncements like “You’re
4. Empower your child by letting him overhear you
smart” which aren’t provable, and which kids may argue
saying something positive about him to someone else.
with in their own minds.
When you try to convince your child directly, he may resist what you’re saying. After all, he sees evidence
2. Empower your child by problem-solving instead of
to the contrary. But when he overhears you saying it
labeling.
to someone else, he begins to believe that it might be
If you’re offering your child guidance about something,
true. “He was so helpful today… I think he’s finding that
stick to what’s happening right now and empower your
focusing on his homework helps him enjoy school more…
child to solve it. ; ”You always forget to…” makes him
He and his sister are learning how to work things out… I
the problem, and programs him to keep forgetting.
just so enjoy being with him… More and more often, he
“How do you think you can help yourself remember
does his chores without me even reminding him… I am so
tomorrow?” helps him move from being the problem
blessed that I get to be his mother!”
to becoming the problem solver. Just focus on how he can remember this one time, and he’ll start to see that
Your child believes everything you say. And acts on it.
he’s a kid who can support himself to remember, more
What an opportunity! SEPTEMBER 2017 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 9
[ SEASONAL FUN ]
The historic Dream Inn recently got a makeover of grand proportions, and I had two days and one night to take it all in. The multimillion-dollar, just-renovated hotel features a hip retro-surfer vibe and prime location on the beach within walking distance to the iconic Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk. In fact, the Dream Inn is still the only hotel that sits directly on the beach, and every single room has a balcony view of the ocean.
Just because check-in isn’t till 4 p.m. doesn’t mean you can’t get to the hotel early to enjoy the pool. Claim your lounge chairs at the sparkling pool, which overlooks the ocean,
Grab your room key at the front desk, but not before admiring the colorful surfer-chic hotel lobby decorated with full sized-surf boards, and perhaps grabbing a pick-me-up at the cutest coffee
and vintage photos of O’Neill and
shop you’ve ever seen. Get settled
his close-knit surf community. The
in your room with a view and
Dream Inn now sits on the location
freshen up for dinner.
of O’Neill’s first surf shop, which has been named by the state of California as a “California Point of
Before dinner, be sure to first stop and order some street tacos from the daily poolside taco cart. A friendly server will also come by for your drink order.
by the hotel’s Jack O’Neill’s Lounge for happy hour drinks. Named after the legendary surfer, the lounge
Nestle into your table at the
features personal memorabilia
adjacent Aquarius restaurant, and
10 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2017
Photos by Paul Dyer
Historical Interest.”
[ SEASONAL FUN ]
enjoy even more gorgeous views of the Monterey Bay. During our stay we enjoyed a creamy burrata appetizer followed by generous-
To the room to enjoy the sound
sized salads and that night’s special
of crashing waves in bed and a
of ribs. Our daughter loved the
good book before nodding off.
choices from the children’s menu, and we really appreciated the attentive and friendly service.
Get in an early night to wake up energized and ready to take on the boardwalk the next day.
Back to the Aquarius for a convenient and delicious breakfast. We may have enjoyed it even more than dinner. The Chicken & Waffles and Huevos Rancheros (which our server said was her personal favorite) should not be missed!
Walk along the beach to the nearby Santa Cruz Wharf to take in the sunset and catch a glimpse of the sea lions, who like to hang out on a dock off the wharf. We enjoyed watching the fishermen off the wharf - one excitedly caught a halibut but had to throw it back in because it was too small. Our threeyear-old daughter declared that she, too, wanted to be a fisherman.
Check out time, but leave your vehicle at the hotel because it’s an easy 10-15 minute walk from the Dream Inn to the iconic Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk. After a fun-filled day of rides and treats, it’s time to head home with a car full of happily exhausted kids and adults. SEPTEMBER 2017 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 11
[ PARENTING ]
Kari Kampakis is a blogger, author, speaker, and newspaper columnist from Birmingham, Alabama. Her two books for teen and tween girls, 10 Ultimate Truths Girls Should Know and Liked: Whose Approval Are You Living For, have been used widely across the country by teen youth groups and small groups to empower girls through faith. Kari’s work has been featured on The Huffington Post, The TODAY Show, EWTN, Proverbs 31, Yahoo! News, The Eric Metaxas Show, Ann Voskamp’s blog, and other national outlets. She and her husband, Harry, have four daughters and a dog named Lola. Learn more by visiting www.karikampakis.com
10 Truths Middle Schoolers Should Know by Kari Kampakis It’s rare to hear anyone say they loved middle school. Even people with positive memories never tout it as the best years of their life. Simply put, it’s an awkward season. It’s a time of constant changes, social shake-ups, swinging emotions, and intense pressures. If I’ve learned anything from working with adolescent girls, it’s how hungry this age group is for comfort and reassurance. I hear it in their voices and see it in their eyes whenever I speak to a group, a look of searching and a longing to hear something – anything – to help them make sense of things. Please tell me it gets better, their faces silently plead. Tell me this isn’t it. Well, middle school kids, I assure you that life picks up. There’s a bigger, more promising world beyond this rite of passage. In the meantime, I have 10 truths to center you. I hope they bring you peace and a little friendly guidance. Truth #10: Today’s most awkward moments will be tomorrow’s funniest memories. Keep a sense of humor whenever possible. Those braces on your teeth that collect food? That acne on your face that miracle creams can’t cure? That giddy rush you get when your crush walks by, and you can’t think, talk, or see straight? One day these things will be really
12 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2017
[ SEASONAL FUN ]
[ PARENTING ]
funny! They’ll be the memories you rehash again and
of sending texts. It’s easy to put in writing what you’d
again with your siblings and oldest friends.
never say in person, or to interpret a message the wrong way, and the tension this adds to a relationship is hard to
It takes time, but as you gain confidence, your awkward
recover from.
moments become fun to share. You’ll readily admit yours and laugh at the comedy and conversation that result.
Truth #7: Surrounding yourself with good company is
Eventually you’ll have a dazzling smile, clear skin, and
imperative. There’s an old saying that’s particularly
someone to love. Your current problems will have closure.
relevant to your age group: “Show me your friends and
So stay mindful of the big picture, and remember that
I’ll show you your future.”
even your worst experiences will pass. Yes, you’re called to love everyone, but not everyone Truth #9: You don’t want to peak in middle school (or
deserves a place in your innermost circle. Some people
high school or college, for that matter). The worst goal
you love up close and personal, and others you love at
you can have is popularity. Because what often makes
arm’s length because inviting them into your life invites
adolescents popular – running with the fast crowd,
disaster.
dominating your peers, living a superficial lifestyle – eventually leads to problems.
Sooner or later, a bad influence will rub off. You’ll either make choices against your better judgment or wind up
A truly successful person gets better with time. You go
in a predicament. As a mom I know told her daughter,
from being version 1.0 of yourself to version 2.0, 4.0, 6.0
she once went out with a guy who was very sweet to her
and so on. But when you chase popularity, you peak
but also wild. She didn’t see the issue until they had their
early. You stop growing and improving because you’re
first date – and he took her to a drug dealer’s house.
stuck in instant gratification mode, looking for quick fixes to satisfy your needs.
She told her daughter, “Even though I was innocent, I would have gone to jail if the police had come. I was
Make it your goal to peak later in life. Make good
guilty by association just by being there.”
choices that set you up for a bright future. If you’re not a superstar now, that’s okay. This simply means there are
Good friends lift you up. They don’t put you in risky or
better things ahead as you continue to evolve and learn.
compromising situations. To become the best version of yourself, you need friends who hold themselves to high
Truth #8: Technology makes it easier than ever to ruin
standards and want you to reach your full potential, too.
relationships and reputations. We live in an age where people post everything online – feelings, emotions, and
Truth #6: What makes you different is what makes you
pictures. I love technology when it’s used wisely, but too
great. Middle school is largely about conformity. I see this
often, it’s used impulsively. We let our fingers jump ahead
firsthand because I live near a middle school, and over
of our brains, and within seconds, we can trigger hurt,
time I’ve noticed how all the kids dress alike, walk alike,
misunderstandings, and serious issues.
and act alike.
So please, think twice before texting, emailing, or posting
Meanwhile, at my children’s elementary school I see
on social media. Cool off before giving someone a piece
authenticity and diverse personalities because the kids
of your mind, venting, jumping to conclusions, reacting
don’t know yet how to be anything but themselves. It
out of jealousy or anger, embarrassing someone, or
saddens me to know that they, too, will eventually feel
sending an inappropriate photo. Use the Internet for
pressured to hide what makes them unique.
good, not as a dumping ground. You’ll never influence the world by trying to be like it. And when you have an issue with a friend, call instead
You’ll never find your calling by following the crowd. God SEPTEMBER 2017 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 13
[ PARENTING ] made you different for a reason, and what sets you apart
comments, and shares you get.
plays into His plan for you. So listen to that quiet voice inside you and remember yourself as a child. Cling to the
But remember, numbers alone can be misleading. To get
passions you had in your early years, because they hold
the full picture, you need to measure numbers against
more answers than you know.
the truth. After all, Jesus Christ had 12 followers. Adolf Hitler had millions. These numbers speak for themselves.
Truth #5: It’s okay to not to have your life planned out. It’s okay if you haven’t discovered your “thing.” Chances
The best applause to live for is the quiet peace inside
are, you know kids with immense talent and drive.
you. What makes you feel good about yourself? What
They’ve trained for years in their area of expertise, and
helps you rest easy at night? Criticizing someone to
they know exactly what they want in life.
bring them down or make people laugh won’t bring you
Deep down you may be envious and uncomfortable, because you fear you’re getting left behind. You wonder why they have their act together – and you don’t. But even the best laid plans will face curveballs. Even the most driven kids will wind up on different paths than they originally envisioned. So if your future isn’t mapped out by 9th grade, take heart! You’re still young and have plenty of time to discover what you were born to do. Just set goals for yourself, use your gifts, and head in a good direction. Set a positive trajectory so that when you do discover your thing, you’re ready to soar. Truth #4: Your uniform is not your identity. Labels are big in middle school, and there’s a confidence that comes from wearing a football jersey, cheerleader uniform, or other team attire. But remember that having a uniform – or even designer clothes – doesn’t increase your worth. You’re special because of who you are, not what you put on your body or what you achieve.
peace. Neither will watching someone else beat up on a kid as the crowd cheers him on. You know the truth by how you feel deep down. And when you seek your applause from within, you don’t need the applause of public approval. Truth #2: There’s a difference between helpful advice and criticism that holds you back. Be careful who you listen to. Some people want you to succeed. Others don’t. Develop a strong filter for whose words you take to heart – and whose words you ignore. Some questions to ask yourself are: Do I trust this person? Are they respectable? Do they practice what they preach? Are they the kind of person I hope to become? Do they recognize my talent and potential and encourage me, or do they drag me down by harping on where I fall short? How others talk to you influences how you talk to
Overnight you can lose your place on a team. You can
yourself. And since that voice in your head impacts your
lose your talents, your wardrobe, your relationships, even
confidence, determination, and willingness to take risks,
your Instagram account. But if you base your identity
you want people in your life who speak the truth in love
on the one thing you’ll never lose – God’s love– your
and always with your best interest in mind.
foundation is unshakable. You’ll still be standing even if you lose every earthly trapping this world says is
Truth #1: You’re AWESOME. Truly, you are. All these crazy
important.
changes are leading to something amazing. In the grand scheme of life middle school is only a blip, so keep it in
Truth #3: Applause can be misleading. You can make a
check. Have fun, dream big, and make good choices.
huge mistake and still get cheered on wildly. Through
One day you’ll look back and laugh at the absurdities of
social media, popularity is now quantifiable. You
this stage, and if you’re lucky, you’ll enjoy a lot of humor
can gauge your performance by how many “likes”,
now.
14 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2017
[ SEASONAL FUN ]
Park Guide Alameda County
Bray Commons 3300 Finnian Way Features walkways/trails, picnic tables, basketball courts and play equipment
ALAMEDA Franklin Park 1432 San Antonio Ave Nice playground with swings, sandbox and good structures for kids young and old Lincoln Park 1450 High St Amenities include a multi use sports field, picnic grounds, swim center, open spaces, and play equipment
BERKELEY Adventure Playground 162 University Ave Climbing, zip line, hammer, saw or paint! Berkeley Aquatic Park 80 Bolivar Dr Leafy waterfront park offering boating, a habitat for birds, trails, and a playground Glendale-La Loma Park 1310 La Loma Ave A city park with playgrounds, ball fields, open space & a picnic area, set on a hillside with views
Devany Square 4405 Chancery Lane Features child play area, walkways/trails and picnic tables
Ohlone Park 1701 Hearst Ave Friendly neighborhood Park with two climbing structures, a path and rubberized surfacing for safe play Tilden Regional Park 2501 Grizzly Peak Blvd Lake, farm, Merry-Go-Round and hiking
Dolan Park 11651 Padre Way Features fitness equipment, basketball courts, picnic tables and play equipment Emerald Glen Park 4201 Central Pkwy Features a sand area, jungle gym, and a large open grass area
Willard Park 2730 Hillegass Ave Features a playground for tots, cobblestones paths and a turf area
Kolb Park 8020 Bristol Rd Features fitness equipment, play equipment, tennis courts, softball diamonds and walkways/trails
DUBLIN
LIVERMORE
Alamo Creek Park 7601 Shady Creek Road Features basketball courts, picnic tables, play equipment and large open spaces to run and play
Bruno Canziani Park 5799 Charlotte Ave Features two play areas, one for bigger kids, plenty of grass to run around on and basketball courts
SEPTEMBER 2017 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 15
[ SEASONAL FUN ]
Park Guide Lester J. Knott Park 655 N. Mines Rd. Large grass area and great for toddlers
Sycamore Grove Park 1051 Wetmore Rd Stroller and kid-bike friendly trails and nature walks
Mission Hills Park Junipero Street & Independence Street Great for children of all ages, BIG Slide, and good walking/bike riding paths
Muirwood Community Park 4701 Muirwood Dr. Lots of shade and great for toddlers and picnics
DANVILLE Hap Magee Ranch Park 1025 La Gonda Way Lots of shade, child play area and dog friendly Oak Hill Park 3005 Stone Valley Rd. Great for toddlers and duck feeding in the pond but no shade
Val Vista Community Park 6701 Payne Dr. Great for big kids, rock climbing and outdoor roller hockey rink
Contra Costa County PIEDMONT Beach Playfield Linda Ave between Grand Ave and Lake Ave Tennis courts, soccer fields, little tots play structure and sand area Piedmont Park 711 Highland Ave Fountain, nice play structure for kids and Japanese Tea House
PLEASANTON Amador Valley Park 4301Black Ave Features two play structures, slides, and large grassy field to run, play or fly kites
ALAMO Livorna Park Livorna Rd at Miranda Ave. Great sand area but no shade, basketball and volley ball areas
BRENTWOOD Blue Goose Park 1765 Adams Lane Bathrooms, picnic area, rock wall but has very little shade Brentwood City Park 790 2nd St Splash pad, two jungle gyms, picnic tables and plenty of shade
16 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2017
Osage Station Park 816 Brookside Dr. Open space to run, clean bathrooms, and climbing structures Sycamore Valley Park 2101 Holbrook Dr. Climbing structures, slides and small sand box
LAFAYETTE Lafayette Reservoir 3849 Mount Diablo Blvd Rolling grass hills, lots of shade and lake area
[ SEASONAL FUN ]
Park Guide
Lafayette Community Park 480 St. Marys Rd Features lots of shade, toddler play area, big kid area and rock climbing
MARTINEZ
PLEASANT HILL
Pleasant Hill Park 147 Gregory Lane Open grass area, paved path for scooters or skating along with a toddler area
Holiday Highlands Park 660 Fig Tree Ln Features separate play structures for older and younger children, BBQ pits, grassy fields and places to ride bikes
SAN RAMON
Rankin Aquatic Center 100 Buckley St. Swimming pool, clean, great for kids
Central Park 12501 Alcosta Blvd Large open grass area and large play structures
MORAGA Moraga Commons Park 1149 Moraga Rd. 9-hold disc golf course, bocce ball, horseshoe pits, basketball, volleyball, Skate Park and playground Rancho Laguna Park 2101 Camino Pablo New play structure and swing set with fully fenced in kids play area
ORINDA Orinda Community Center Park 26 Orinda Way Tennis courts, kid-friendly, sandbox, jungle gym and swings
Boone Acres 9716 Davona Dr. Great for picnics, lots of shade and dog friendly Castle Rock Regional Recreation 1700 Castle Rock Rd. Good hiking trails, wildlife, and good for children
Fire Truck Park 2070 Arlington Way Quiet, fire truck play structure but no bathrooms
Civic Park 1301 Civic Dr. Great for toddlers and rock climbing
Piccadilly Square Park 2503 Piccadilly Cir. Play structures, basketball courts, little shade available
Heather Farm Park 301 N San Carlos Dr. Large open area, small climbing wall and swimming pool close by
WALNUT CREEK
Larkey Park Buena Vista & First Ave Great for kids, large open area, picnics and BBQ pits
Arbolado Park Arbolado Dr & Doncaster Dr Great park with basketball and tennis courts and play equipment
SEPTEMBER 2017 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 17
[ PARENTING ] Laurie Hollman, Ph.D. is a psychoanalyst with specialized clinical training in infant-parent, child, adolescent, and adult psychotherapy. She has been on the faculties of New York University and the Society for Psychoanalytic Study and Research, among others. She has written extensively on parenting for various publications, including the Psychoanalytic Study of the Child, The International Journal of Infant Observation, The Inner World of the Mother, Newsday’s Parents & Children Magazine, Long Island Parent. She also wrote her popular column, PARENTAL INTELLIGENCE, at Moms Magazine and has been a parenting expert for numerous publications such as Good Housekeeping. and Bustle Lifestyle. She currently writes for Active Family Magazine (San Francisco) and blogs for Huffington Post. Her new book is Unlocking Parental Intelligence: Finding Meaning in Your Child’s Behavior. To learn more
Chore Sharing Between Parents and Kids
go to Dr. Hollman’s website at
by Laurie Hollman, Ph.D.
www.lauriehollmanphd.com.
Happy Families Do Chores Together Chore sharing instills responsibility in a cooperative way between parents and kids. This is important when school routines and schedules change and get bigger as the year moves along. By mid-year chores for kids seem last on the list of things they want to do. Yet you want to include chores in routines so they are followed throughout the year without a fuss. A great way to make chore routines work is to make them a parent-child/teen effort. Working together takes the sting out of the process. In time the kids will do them on their own, but it’s a good way to transition to a way for chores to be incorporated into the household without reminders, feelings of parents’ not being listened to and kids feeling they have an undue burden given all the new school requirements. Seven Tips for Chore Sharing 1. Chore sharing means you have everyone clear the table after dinner. Then it’s not one person’s job but the role of the family together. It takes less time 18 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2017
[ PARENTING ] and no one feels they’ve been pulled in to a job they
light bulb, replace batteries and work with you to take
didn’t plan on.
out the garbage including the items to be recycled and they will begin to learn how a household works. It
2. Chore sharing means filling the dishwasher with your
improves confidence when kids feel they are really a
child. Then it goes quicker, he or she learns how to
part of running the house. They begin to feel less like
order the dishes on the rack and before you know it
they live in your house and instead everyone belongs
the job is done with no complaints. 3. Chore sharing applies to organizing kids’ rooms. Work with your child to clean and organize their room for school. They’ll learn from you how to plan things out so they can be found again without them feeling you are intruding or pressuring them to keep things just your way. Listen to how they like to organize their books and papers and help them straighten out those clothes drawers. Doing it together takes away the
because everyone knows how things work.
7. To make this new venture successful, a brief meeting needs to take place where the new arrangements are discussed and you express that you are grateful to them for helping out. Tell them you’ve made this plan so beginning of school starts easily and that you trust them to work with you to make a smoothly running household.
feeling of parents yelling at kids to clean their rooms. In time they will want to do it on their own and it’s
Be open to their ideas about how things should work in
important for you to be flexible. This is the one room in
the house. Value their opinions, ideas, and intentions.
the house that should be considered theirs. It increases
Respected children and teens respect their parents.
independence and makes getting homework done much easier.
Adventures in Learning Early Childhood Center
4. Chore sharing increases skills. Teens can be taught how to use the washer and dryer so for last minute needs they can help out or even run their wash themselves. It’s great preparation for college, it shows you trust them once they’ve learned, and it’s really easy after all! 5. If you’re a two parent household, divide up which parent will take the lead on different chores so no one argues about responsibilities. The kids will learn who’s in charge of what and things will be move at an even pace. 6. Jobs outside may be the province on both or one parents. Kids like to understand how the house works. Teach them how electricity comes from the street and
Serving students 2 - 6 years Full and part time programs 3200 Hopyard Road | Pleasanton web. www.ailpleasanton.com tel. 925.462.7123
how the house is heated. Show them how to change a SEPTEMBER 2017 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 19
[ EVENTS ]
September Alameda County SEPTEMBER 1 $5 First Friday Chabot Space & Science Center Oakland 6pm – 10pm www.chabotspace.org
SEPTEMBER 1 – 30 The Very Hungry Caterpillar Show Bay Area Children’s Theatre Berkeley Times Vary www.bactheatre.org Teddy Bears’ Picnic Children’s Fairyland Oakland Times Vary www.bactheatre.org
SEPTEMBER 2 -3 152nd Scottish Highland Gathering & Games Alameda County Fairgrounds Pleasanton 8pm – 7pm www.thescottishgames.com
SEPTEMBER 2 - 4 Rail Fair Ardenwood Fremont 10am – 4pm www.ebparks.org/about/news/ RailFair2017
SEPTEMBER 3 First Sunday OMCA Oakland 10am – 6pm www.museumca.org
Email info@activefamilymag.com to subscribe to our weekly email blast for more events!
Tule Float Tilden Nature Area Berkeley 1pm – 2:30pm www.ebparks.org
20 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2017
SEPTEMBER 3, 10, 17 & 24
SEPTEMBER 24
Once Upon A Mind All Out Comedy Theater Oakland Times Vary www.onceuponyourmind.com
Baby Rave Bay Area Children’s Theatre Oakland 10am www.bactheatre.org/babyrave
Rockridge Ice Cream Tour Rockridge Neighborhood Oakland Times Vary www.localfoodadventures.com/ food-tours/ice-cream-tour
Cal Sailing Open House Cal Sailing Club Berkeley 1pm – 4pm www.cal-sailing.org
SEPTEMBER 6 – 27 Wellness Wednesdays UC Botanical Garden Berkeley 11am – 12pm www.events.berkeley.edu
SEPTEMBER 8 & 22 Free Harbor Tours Port of Oakland Oakland Times Vary www.portofoakland.com
SEPTEMBER 16 Family Program: California Natives UC Botanical Garden Oakland 10am – 11am www.events.berkeley.edu Zoovie Nights: The Secret Life of Pets Oakland Zoo Oakland 6:30pm – 9:30pm www.oaklandzoo.org/Zoovie_ Nights.php
SEPTEMBER 23 Oakland A’s Fireworks Oakland Coliseum Oakland 6:05pm www.m.mlb.com/athletics/ tickets/info/fireworks
Contra Costa County SEPTEMBER 2 The Front Porch Music Festival Wente Vineyards Livermore 11am – 7:30pm www.wentevineyards.com/ events/2017/the-front-porchmusic-festival Sunset Concert McGrail Vineyards and Winery Livermore 6pm – 9pm www.mcgrailvineyards.com/ events.html An Evening of Port & Cigars Cedar Mountain Winery Livermore 6pm – 9pm www.cedarmountainwinery.com Season 8 Announcement Firehouse Arts Center Pleasanton 8pm – 11pm www.firehousearts.org/eventscalendar
SEPTEMBER 5 Free First Tuesday Cypress Street Walnut Creek 5pm – 8pm www.walnutcreekdowntown.com
[ EVENTS ]
September SEPTEMBER 6
SEPTEMBER 2 - 3
First Wednesday UC Botanical Garden Berkeley 11am – 12pm www.events.berkeley.edu
Family Overnight SF Zoo San Francisco 5:30pm – 10am www.sfzoo.businesscatalyst.com
SEPTEMBER 7
SEPTEMBER 3
Concert Series Downtown Pleasant hill Pleasant Hill 6:30pm – 8:30pm www.shopdowntownpleasanthill. com
Family Program Green Gulch San Francisco 9:45am – 11:45am www.sfzc.org/green-gulch/familyprograms/childrens-program
SEPTEMBER 9
SEPTEMBER 10
An Afternoon with John Concannon Concannon Vineyard Livermore 3pm – 6pm www.concannonvineyard.com
Kidchella Courthouse Square San Francisco 11am – 1pm www.redwoodcity.org
Grill & Chill Cedar Mountain Winery Livermore 6pm – 9pm www.cedarmountainwinery.com
Campfire Nights Sulphur Creek Nature Center Hayward 6:30pm – 8:30pm www.haywardrec.org/564/ Campfires-and-Campouts
SEPTEMBER 16 & 17 Model Railroad Show Model Railroad Society Walnut Creek Times Vary www.wcmrs.org
SEPTEMBER 22 Free Summer Concert Series Charles R Vineyards Walnut Creek 6pm – 9pm www.charlesrvineyards.com
Out of Area SEPTEMBER 2 Family Friendly Bike Ride Presidio San Francisco 10am – 11:30am www.parksconservancy.org
SEPTEMBER 16
Sequoia Stampede 5K and Tot-Trot Sequoia High School Redwood City 8:30am www.racemine.com
SEPTEMBER 17 & 24 Marine Science Sunday Marine Mammal Center Sausalito 10am – 4pm www.marinemammalcenter.org
SEPTEMBER 23 Free Community Day Exploratorium Pier 15 San Francisco 10am – 5pm www.exploratorium.edu
SEPTEMBER 2017 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 21
[ PARENTING ]
Parenting expert and “recovering yeller” Amy McCready is the Founder of Positive Parenting Solutions and the author of If I Have to Tell You One More Time… The Revolutionary Program That Gets Your Kids to Listen Without Nagging, Reminding or Yelling (Penguin, 2011.) Amy is a regular parenting contributor on The TODAY Show and has also appeared on Rachael Ray, CBS This Morning, CNN, Fox & Friends, MSNBC, Steve Harvey and elsewhere. In her most important role, she plays mom to two teenage boys. Follow Amy on Twitter @AmyMcCreadyPPS.
The Parents’ Guide to the X-Plan: How to Hold Up Your End of the Bargain by Amy McCready You may have seen a recent post by a dad, Bert Fulks entitled X-Plan: Giving Your Kids a Way Out. The article recently went viral, and for good reason. In it, Bert shared a powerful strategy that helped his children safely remove themselves from situations that were dangerous or uncomfortable. With a bonus – they could still save face with their friends. Here’s how the X-Plan works: If one of his kids were ever out and found themselves in a predicament in which they realized they were in over their heads or headed for trouble, they would text a member of the family with just the letter “X.”
22 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2017
[ PARENTING ] In return, that family member would text back a message
situation. Unfortunately, that will be the undoing of the
which expressed an urgent need for the child to come
safety plan. Instead, stop for a minute. Give yourself time
home immediately, and that someone was on the way to
to settle in. When you do, it’s easier to spare them the
pick them up.
sermons, support your child, and keep your end of the bargain.
To make it plausible for the teen, the agreement was that there would be no questions asked. If the child chose to
2. Save the life-lessons for another time. Take advantage
share what happened – great; but there would be no
of teachable moments outside of an incident by talking
pressure, helicoptering or lecturing involved.
about your own experiences at their age, or using a news story, a movie or magazine article as a catalyst for
The beauty of the X-Plan is that the child doesn’t have to feel embarrassed or be mocked by his peers because
talking about difficult topics. Role play the words to use in uncomfortable situations.
the reason for leaving is a family emergency. And, most importantly, the child is SAFE. As the X-Plan went viral, most parents agreed putting a safety system like this in place is a great idea and one that could potentially keep a lot of kids out of harm’s way. However, the “no-lecture, no-pressure, no-prying” part of the plan is where it gets tricky for a lot of parents. I get it. As fear kicks in, you want to know every detail about what was happening that made your child uncomfortable enough to signal for help. And, you want to ensure it won’t happen again. It’s hard. But, a deal has to be a deal. This kind of safety plan ONLY works if the parent does their part. We have
3. Acknowledge and appreciate honestly. When your child tells you the truth, especially a tough one, let them know you admire their courage to do so and that you are proud of them. 4. Reinforce that you love them unconditionally. Let them know that no matter what, you are there for them. 5. Change the way you look at mistakes. Mistakes are part of the learning curve for all of us. When your kid feels like it won’t be the end of the world to come to you when they’ve messed up – you’re on the right path! Let them know you’re there to support them, help them learn from mistakes and move on. You’ll find they’ll be more likely to turn to you when they need help again.
to give our kids the space to make the tough call (or text in this case) without the expectation of getting in trouble
Kudos to Burt Fulks for raising awareness and creating an
or hearing a sermon. If they fear punishment, lectures
opportunity to jump start safety conversations between
and life-lessons, it’s game-over. They won’t reach out
parents and kids all over the globe. Our world is filled
with the X-Plan, which can most certainly put them in
with potential tough spots for kids, so helping them
harm’s way.
navigate those decisions safely while finding their tribe is a powerful way to be a great parent.
Instead, try these strategies to cultivate a relationship where your kids aren’t afraid to let you in:
I encourage you to do just that. Use Fulk’s article to talk to your kids and work together on a code word and a plan
1. Take a deep breath first. It’s easy to over-react when
that is unique and makes sense for you and your family.
we know our kid has been in a potentially dangerous
Stay safe! SEPTEMBER 2017 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 23
[ RESTAURANTS ]
Sabio on Main — Tapas Cuisine, Elevated
by Elizabeth Kang So many new restaurants popping up these days throw around the same familiar descriptions; “farm to table,” “sustainable,” “local” “fresh” and “organic.” We see and hear these terms so often that they have, unfortunately, become somewhat cliche and meaningless — something you now almost expect to see but don’t put much consideration or clout into. There is a local neighborhood restaurant, however, that lives up to these claims wholeheartedly, and deserves recognition not only for its innovative, delicious cuisine, but its earnest commitment to serving the best local and sustainable products available. Sabio on Main, tucked behind Starbucks in downtown Pleasanton, is a popular and stylish two-year-old bistro serving a hybrid of Spanish and California-style cuisine. Owner and longtime Pleasanton resident, Jim McDonnell, chose a Spanish/Tapas inspired restaurant because, he says, as an avid traveller and lifelong “foodie,” the cuisine of Spain is one of his favorites. McDonnell says he recognized a gap in the downtown Pleasanton restaurant scene, and sought to fill it with a modern, upscale version of his favorite tapas restaurants. He says the concept of small plates and innovative drinks “lends itself to a much more fun and comfortable way of experiencing food.” The concept proved to be a fruitful one. Loyal locals flock to the chic happy hour scene ($1 oysters, artisan cocktails) and date-night couples seek out the innovative menu, thoughtful wine selections and stylish ambiance reminiscent of a San Francisco or other “big city” establishment. While many customers appreciate Sabio for offering an appealing alternative to the local dining scene, it’s what happens behind the scenes that really sets the restaurant apart. Executive Chef Francis Hogan is deeply committed to sourcing only sustainable, local produce and animal products for the restaurant. He sought out local urban farm Baia Nicchia, located in the Sunol agpark, to source local produce, and he developed his menu to highlight those products. His relationship with the farm and its majority owner, Fred Hempel, has developed into something quite meaningful, and Chef Hogan has even invested some money in the farm himself. In Hempel’s experience, Sabio is “one of the only restaurants in the area that really cares where its ingredients are from.” The farmer established his small farm, Baia Nicchia, which means “Bay Niche” 24 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2017
[ RESTAURANTS ] in Italian, in 2006, with the intention of breeding tomatoes
restaurant menu in the area, and it’s an extremely
specifically for cooler Bay Area climates . He says that
popular choice, so the commitment to not serve the fish
while the “breeding focus has changed now, our niche
was a difficult, but necessary one, says the chef.
is still the Bay Area.” Says Hempel, “We met with the folks from Sabio prior to them opening, and they have been a
“They (the fisheries) are taking a proactive approach to
valued customer and collaborator ever since.”
not hurt the population of fish, so we’d rather not serve it. We are not going to serve a poorly farmed product.
So much so, that the farmer and chef Hogan have been
We are on the California coast and we have gorgeous
working closely together over the past few years to
product, so it doesn’t make sense to bring in something
develop an exclusive new proprietary tomato, a type of
halfway across the world.”
hybrid green tomato. Currently, the pear-shaped tomato is nicknamed around the farm as a “hard-ripe” tomato,
Chef Hogan works with “Water2Table,” a local SF based
named for the fact that it doesn’t soften on the vine or
fish distributor, to source all of the seafood on his menu,
turn mushy when picked, but maintains its crisp exterior. The striped green tomato does, however, develop a ripe, fleshy interior with a flavor that Hempel suggests as containing “hints of plum.” The tomato is currently being showcased on the Sabio menu in a beautiful and vibrant “Sunol Tomato Salad,” and was featured in last year’s menu as an accompaniment to a Liberty duck breast entree, simply marinated to showcase its unique texture and tart, sweet flavors. Much of Baia Nicchia’s other specialty produce can be seen on the menu, from delicate purple chive blossom flowers garnishing Smoked Sturgeon deviled eggs, to char-grilled summer squash with harissa vinaigrette. And many of the unique, artisan herbs found on the menu can be accredited to another farm located in the Sunol Agpark, named Jellicles Farm. “Herbs that you don’t
because, he says, he’s tired of the deception surrounding
necessarily see every day,” says Hogan. “Less the parsley
seafood served in restaurants. “There’s really no rules or
and cilantro, more the anisisop, marigold and calendula
regulations on what you call something. A lot of times
— things like that.”
you could be eating what you think is one thing but it’s really something else.”
While most all of the menu items, including meat and seafood, can be traced to local farms and fisheries
Getting 100% of their seafood from one small, local
within 50 miles of the area, one of the ingredients that
region is challenging, but not impossible, says Hogan,
isn’t currently on the menu may be even more telling of
because “fish, like everything else, is seasonal.”
Sabio’s commitment to sustainability. “So right now,” he says, “it’s pretty easy because there “We are not serving salmon this year,” explains Hogan,”
are so many things swimming – the local petrole, the
because the local season experienced a lot of trouble,
black cod, and the local halibut – which is beautiful.”
so it’s actually closed right now. We cannot get California King Salmon.” Salmon can be found on nearly every
One seafood dish currently found on the menu which SEPTEMBER 2017 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 25
[ RESTAURANTS ] Hogan says truly embodies the spirit of Sabio is the Escabeche, featuring local Monterey Bay calamari, along with mussels, shrimp and Sonoma Sea Bass, prepared in the traditional Spanish method — marinated with vinegar and olive oil, and served chilled, with toasts. It’s a dish that’s not only delicious, but completely sustainable and local. “We don’t just talk to talk,” says McDonnell. “We are going the extra step top get externally certified and audited (by companies such as ‘Good Food 100’ and ‘Eat Real.’) In order to do that, we have to be sourcing our products from people we trust.”
Have a wow wine moment Pleasanton’s only Wine Spectator Award winning wine list. We make great wines from across the globe easy to access. New World West Coast and Old World Spanish wines plus fun gems from different pockets of the world. Pair with our extravagant Chef’s Tasting Menu or a selection of tapas.
TAPAS REDEFINED
McDonnell’s goal is for the restaurant to be fully transparent and certified. He says that while grocery products must go through rigorous auditing to have labels such as “Organic” or “Non-GMO,” restaurants are currently not held to the same standards. “How do you know when you go into a restaurant that something is what it claims to be?” he asks. “We believe that the restaurant industry should evolve to the same level of transparency that grocers have.”
FREE GLASS OF WINE with purchase of two of equivalent value; through 10/31/17 Modern Tapas | Wine Bar | Craft Cocktails
501 Main Street, Pleasanton 925.800.3090 | sabiopleasanton.com 26 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2017
It’s a lofty goal, but Sabio on Main is already steps ahead of other restaurants in the area to meeting those standards. And although most dining patrons return to Sabio for their delicious and inventive, seasonal menu, the knowledge that their food is coming from the freshest, local sources available should be something to savor and appreciate that much more.
[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]
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[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ]
Anastasia is a parent coach, awardwinning author, internationally recognized speaker, Huffington Post blogger, and mother of five. With over two decades of real life experience, Anastasia’s proven success is based on balance and results. She teaches parents how to create healthier lives and find the happiness they desire. She shares innovative strategies and new perspectives that put an end to uncertainty and stress and, lead her clients to success. Her Wing It™ philosophy helps modern day families build strong foundations, rebalance their lives, and launch happy, independent children. Anastasia is the author of the award-winning book, Leadership Through the Eyes of Children, and WING IT: 6 Simple Steps to Succeed as a Modern Day Parent. She is the founder of the WING IT Project, a non-profit that funds educational opportunities for children locally and globally, and co-creator of Hamptons Wellness Week. She provides private parent coaching as well as speaking at small or large gatherings about making modern parenthood easier and rebalancing family life in today’s world. Anastasia has also been featured in multiple media outlets such as TLC Network, The New York Times, ABC Family Television, The Huffington Post, Well + Good, Hamptons Magazine, NBC Television, KIWI Magazine, Parenting, ZLiving Television, MSN.com, Sheknows, Parents Magazine, ivillage, Live It Up Show, News 12 Long Island, eHow, San Diego Family, Metro Family, and Everyday Family.
6 Things All Happy Moms Do by Anastasia Gavalas I often get asked how I can be so happy (and sane) while raising five children in today’s world. The answer lies somewhere between surrendering my old ways of trying to over-manage everyone in my family and, the recognition that the only person who can make me happy is… me. This awareness integrates setting an intention to lessen stress in order to make my life easier and insisting on enjoying the adventures of parenthood. I have spent the majority of my life engaged in a curiosity of family dynamics and their outcomes. I am struck by mothers who
28 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2017
[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ] seem to be happy regardless of the state of the world
individuals are happier.
around them or stage of child rearing they are in. These observations have taught me essential ideas that, when
4. Tap into each child’s individual interests. Have
implemented regularly, make raising children easier and
you ever seen a family where ALL the children play a
this mama much happier.
certain sport or instrument? Is it possible that all the children prefer the same activity? Rarely. Children,
1. Use intuition. Regardless of what’s happening in the outside world, blasted on the daily news, shared by grandparents and other parents, using your intuition helps guide you in making the best decisions for your family. It naturally boosts confidence the more you use it and teaches your child to listen to their own inner voice.
especially siblings, are very different souls with unique talents. Parents who honor individuality grant them the autonomy to seek and experience their own interests. Children need space and time to explore their personal talents which organically helps them build better selfesteem and reach their individual potential.
No one can navigate your individual circumstances better than you and, that results in happier outcomes.
2. Say “yes” more than you say “no.” Are you saying “yes” or “no” because it makes you feel better or is it the best choice with the circumstances at hand? Moms who take the time to pause before responding to their children’s questions or requests allow both sides the necessary space to process their thoughts in reasonable ways. This builds a mutual respect, reduces conflict and helps children grow to be more responsible, and
5. Appreciate the diverse relationships they make. Even at times when an interaction feels less than desirable, at the end of the day, it’s really good for children to experience different types of relationships. The way in which other people interact with them helps shape their understanding of human connections and the world we live in. Interacting with individuals who have different ideas and approaches broadens a child’s perspective and teaches them important life lessons.
independent thinkers. 6. Just relax. Worrying wastes time and energy. Above all, 3. Trust more, fear less. There is much instability in the
it doesn’t change any outcome. Whether you’re going
world that often causes parents to use fear-based
on a family vacation or making a trip to the emergency
approaches in order to “protect” their children. Having
room, freaking out is something the whole situation (and
faith in your child rather than the situation at hand
those involved) will do better without. There are a lot of
organically arms them with confidence. Children raised
bumps and bruises throughout the parenting journey
in trusting environments make better decisions for
and mothers who make a concerted effort to stay cool
themselves and have healthier experiences. Naturally,
and calm undoubtedly remain happier… and probably
dynamics within the family are less stressed and
have less gray hair. SEPTEMBER 2017 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 29
[ PARENTING ]
Susan Stiffelman, Huffington Post Parent’s weekly advice columnist (“Parent Coach”), is an engaging speaker whose presentations leave audiences upbeat, entertained and fortified with practical strategies that will make an immediate and significant difference in their day to day lives. Susan is a licensed Marriage, Family and Child therapist, a credentialed teacher, and a highly regarded parenting coach. Instead of offering standard, scripted advice to parents about how to control their children, Susan focuses on helping them be what she calls the Captain of the ship their children need and naturally want to cooperate with, confide in, and respect. Those who attend Susan’s presentations routinely email her office with thanks, and a request to come back again!
Is Guilt a Necessity in Parenting? by Susan Stiffelman Parents often maintain a double standard when it comes to setting expectations for themselves and their children. We deliver “atta boys” and “good job!” to our kids for making even the smallest effort. We give children trophies just for showing up, dishing out praise for their every accomplishment, however half-hearted. And yet, when most parents arrive at the end of their day, all that shiny positivity flies out the window. What takes center stage become those moments when we lost our patience, initiating feelings of guilt, shame, and even hopelessness. We rarely acknowledge what went well, focusing instead on our parenting shortcomings. “I shouldn’t have yelled at the boys when I knew they were just hungry and tired.”
30 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2017
[ PARENTING ] “I should have been more patient with Samantha
to refrain. Acknowledging successes, however small,
when she wanted a few minutes of my time after a
is vital if we’re to break with damaging patterns of
rough day at school.”
negativity and guilt.
“I can’t believe I snapped at Dylan when he was
And when you do fall apart? “You’re grounded for a
already so frustrated with his homework.”
month!” or “Go live with your father, then!” Hit the Pause button and look for what you were thinking. We cannot
Oftentimes, our guilt is magnified by the recollection
become upset or lose our cool without a precipitating
of similar moments in our own childhoods when our
thought. Identify what you were believing that led to
parents snapped at us for being rowdy or avoiding our schoolwork. It’s easy to recall promises we made to ourselves at the time: When I’m a parent I’ll never treat my kids like this.
feeling out of control. Learning to become an observer to the forces that propel us toward feelings of fury, worry, or disrespect is key to my work with parents because it gets to the root of the issue rather than offering superficial solutions like Take a deep breath or Count to ten which
And then we become parents, and we do.
I have worked with thousands of parents and children for over forty years, and although I have seen how discomfort with ineffective parenting practices can be a catalyst for change, beating ourselves up for falling short has no benefit at all.
seldom work.
It is not the job of our children to behave well so that we don’t have to visit the ghosts of our past or deal with the painful forces that move us toward impatience or anger. Yes, we want to guide them to behave respectfully. Naturally we want them to cooperate. Of course we’d
In fact, when we move into shame because we’ve lost our parenting cool, we often try even harder to force
like them to appreciate at least a little of what we do for them.
our kids to behave “properly” so that we can feel better about ourselves. In other words, our children become the means by which we feel we’re doing a good job
But recovering from patterns of guilt, remorse, shame, or self-hatred is our work, not our children’s. While they
as parents, essentially becoming the agents of our
can indeed provide us with opportunities to practice
happiness.
self-compassion and forgiveness, it is for us to make that deep, essential shift.
And that’s a recipe for disaster. Raising children brings many blessings. But it can also Here is what I recommend. First, establish a routine of
provide us with the chance to heal unhealthy patterns
noticing what is going well in your parenting life. Take
of shame and self-abuse, turning those challenging
special note of those moments when you might have
moments into opportunities to move toward peace and
become impatient or shouted at the kids and managed
self-acceptance. SEPTEMBER 2017 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 31
[ SEASONAL FUN ]
Dog-Friendly East Bay Parks & Hikes
Alameda County Parks DUBLIN Dougherty Hills Dog Park Stagecoach & Amador Valledy Blvd Open Dawn to Dusk Bray Commons Park 3300 Finnian Way Open 24 Hours
FREMONT Central Park Dog Park 1740 Stevenson Blvd Open 5am – 10pm
PLEASANTON Chubbys Dog Parks 3200 W Lagoon Rd Open 7am – 6pm Muirwood Community Park 4701 Muirwood Dr Hours Not Posted
Contra Costa County Parks DANVILLE Hap Magee Ranch Park 1025 La Gonda Way Open 6am – 6pm
LIVERMORE
Cayetano Park 698 Portola Ave Open 9am – 9pm Marlin A. Pound 2010 Bluebell Dr Hours Not Posted Mac Bear Park 1310 Murdell Lane Open 24 Hours May Nissen Park 685 Rincon Ave Hours Not Posted Vista Meadows Park 2450 Westminster Way Hours Not Posted Robertson Park Meadow 3200 Robertson Park Rd Open 8am – 6pm
SAN RAMON Del Mar Dog Park 9867 Del Mar Dr Open 7am – 7pm Windemere Dog Park 12295 Windemere Pkwy Hours Not Posted
Bruno Canziani Park 5799 South Charlotte Way Hours Not Posted
32 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2017
Memorial Park 5001-5011 Bollinger Canyon Rd Open 7am – 5pm Bark & Ride 1120 S Wedgewood Rd Open 6am – 6pm
Dog Friendly Hikes Bay View Loop Point Pinole Regional Shoreline Bahiker.com/eastbayhikes/pointpinole. html Level: Easy Total Distance: 5.0 miles Hiking Time: 2.5 hours Elevation Change: Negligible Summary: Trail leads to close up bay views and a glimpse at Point Pinole’s varied history. Two Trails at Carquinez Strait Carquinez Strait Regional Shoreline www.ebparks.org/parks/carquinez Level: Easy Total Distance: 1.0-3.0 miles Hiking Time: 1-2 hours Elevation Change: 150 feet Summary: Two appealing trail segments explore the grassland bluffs bordering the narrow waterway between San Pablo and Suisun Bays.
[ SEASONAL FUN ]
Dog-Friendly East Bay Parks & Hikes
San Pablo and Wildcat Creek Loop Wildcat Canyon Regional Park Bahiker.com/eastbayhikes/ wildcatcanyon.html Level: Moderate Total Distance: 6.8 miles Hiking Time: 3 hours Elevation Change: 1,200 feet Summary: Enjoy rolling hills, waving grassland and wide angle views of the bay.
Rocky Ridge and Devil’s Hole Loop Las Trampas Regional Wilderness www.ebparks.org/parks/las_trampas Level: Moderate Total Distance: 6.8 miles Hiking Time: 3.5 hours Elevation Change: 1,200 feet Summary: A hidden canyon tucked amid burgeoning development offers surprising tranquility and a healthy hill climb.
Briones Loop Tour Briones Regional Park www.ebparks.org/parks/briones Level: Moderate Total Distance: 7.0 miles Hiking Time: 4 hours Elevation Change: 1,400 feet Summary: This pastoral loop hike leads past a miniature waterfall, duck ponds and miles of grassland.
Morgan Territory Loop Morgan Territory Regional Preserve www.ebparks.org/parks/morgan Level: Moderate Total Distance: 7.0 miles Hiking Time: 3.5 hours Elevation Change: 1,200 feet Summary: A varied loop in the green hills of Morgan Territory offers expansive views, a walk through oak woodland, and a myriad spring wildflowers.
Stream, Fern and West Ridge Trail Loop Redwood Regional Park www.ebparks.org/park/redwood Level: Moderate Total Distance: 4.8 miles Hiking time: 2.5 hours Elevation Change: 700 feet Summary: The East Bay’s answer to Muir Woods and Big Basin are the prized redwoods of Redwood Regional Park.
Sunol Loop Tour Sunol Regional Wilderness www.ebparks.org/parks/sunol Level: Stenuous Total Distance: 7.5 miles Hiking Time: 3.5 hours Elevation Change: 1,800 feet Summary: Wildflowers abound in the spring and Alameda Creek flows (almost) year- round on this scenic loop in the Sunol countryside.
Murietta Falls Ohlone Regional Wilderness www.ebparks.org/parks/ohlone Level: Butt-Kicker Total Distance: 12.0 miles Hiking Time: 7 hours Elevation Change: 3,500 feet Summary: Hoping to spot a 100- foottall ephemeral waterfall, hikers endure a supremely challenging climb and descent in Ohlone Regional Wilderness
Health & Safety Tips: -Dogs are much more susceptible to heatstroke than humans, and can overheat- especially on warm summer days. -Hike with your dog only during cool temperatures -Take rest breaks & offer water frequently. - Watch for signs of fatigue, injury, dehydration and heatstroke. Heavy panting, dry gums, weakness & inattention are signs of heatstroke.
SEPTEMBER 2017 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 33
[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ]
An Unforgettable Reflection: Rachel Macy Stafford is a certified special education teacher with a Master’s Degree in education and ten years of experience working with parents and children. In December 2010, this life-long writer felt compelled to share her journey to let go of distraction and grasp what really matters by creating the blog “Hands Free Mama.” Using her skills as a writer, teacher, and encourager, Rachel provides readers with simple, non-intimidating, and motivating methods to let go of distraction and connect with their loved ones. Rachel’s work has been featured on CNN, Good Morning America, Global News, USA Today, TIME. com, MSN.com, The Huffington Post, and Reader’s Digest. Her blog currently averages one million visitors a month. Rachel’s new book, HANDS FREE MAMA, is a New York Times Bestseller.
My Issues Don’t Have to be My Children’s Issues by Rachel Macy Stafford In my early twenties, I remember being overly concerned about my thenboyfriend’s appearance and image. I would kindly (and often not so kindly) instruct him on what to wear, how to eat healthy, and how often to exercise. I pushed him toward high status jobs despite his interests and passions. I saw the defeat in his eyes when I offered up these “suggestions,” but I said them anyway. I wanted him to make a good impression. This is for him, I told myself. Yeah, right. It was all about me. My preoccupation with appearance, social status, fitting in, and gaining approval were my issues – he was just an easier target. It did not surprise me that I continued this approach in my marriage and in my parenting. I took an excessive and unhealthy interest in my family members’ “good impressions” in the areas of performances (sports, music, academics) and physical appearance. My critiques typically fell on a continuum of mildly constructive to downright destructive, depending how stressed I felt at
34 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2017
[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ] the time.
that says, “I feel beautiful, Mama.”
“I just want you to make a good impression,” I’d say.
And that’s when a little protective voice inside me whispered, “Let her be.”
It was for them, I’d say. Let her be. Yet, how could I explain the pain in their eyes – the pain I was willing to deny to make sure things appeared a certain way? As with my former boyfriend, my concerns about my family members were all about me – my insecurities, my flaws, my desperate need to hide all the things I felt might cause rejection or disapproval. These truths are not pretty, but they’re healing … and they’re life-changing. I remember the day I came face-to-face with these painful truths – I’d been getting ready to go to a social gathering in our community. On the floor of my bathroom lay 27 outfits. I hated the way I looked in all of them. Rage and sadness bubbled up inside me as I finally settled on something dark colored and baggy. With my mouth set in a thin, hard line, I opened my daughter’s bedroom door to see what “improvements” needed to be made. I saw her standing in front of the mirror surveying herself. Initially, my eyes rested on the snug waistband of her favorite shorts; flesh spilled over and slightly protruded beneath her flowered shirt. My eyes rose to the mismatched top and messy knot of hair sticking from the back of her head.
For once in my life, I would not shatter another human being’s inner contentment under the guise of making a “good impression.” Besides, who was I to say what her “best” impression was anyway? She believed she looked beautiful – and that was enough. It suddenly dawned on me that unlike her blue eyes and freckles, she did not have to inherit my issues and insecurities. I realized I could decide right then and there I would not pass on my issues to her. Plus, why would I want to? Why would I want her to stand in front of the mirror for the rest of her life seeing TOO MUCH and NOT ENOUGH when she could see JUST RIGHT? Why would I want her to play her music instrument for the rest of her life and think TOO MANY MISTAKES and NOT ENOUGH SKILL when she could hear JUST RIGHT? Why would I want her to shoot baskets and dive off the blocks thinking she was only as good as the points she scored and races she won?
As I opened my mouth to remind her of making her “best impression,” I saw her face in the mirror.
Why would I want her basing her inherent value and future potential on test scores and award certificates?
Reflecting back at herself was pure joy. Pure contentment. Pure peace – all at the sight of her six-yearold self.
Why would I want her to go through life wondering what other people thought of her when she was quite happy with WHO SHE WAS?
Then she twirled in front of that mirror. She actually twirled.
I’m not sure I would have thought of that unforgettable reflection from five years ago had it not been for the way I’ve been talking to myself lately.
That’s when she saw me at the door, wiping tears from my eyes. She gave me a glorious smile – the kind of smile
It’s bathing suit season. It’s a hard season for me – and it’s a hard season for many girls and women and boys and SEPTEMBER 2017 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 35
[ WOMEN & RELATIONSHIPS ] men too – bathing suit season doesn’t play favorites.
or crush.
And when it was time to put on my swimsuit (on Mother’s
Instead, I let her be.
Day, of course), I was not happy with my thighs. I was just about to start in on those thighs and that stomach when
And I am prepared to watch her soar (and stumble)
I heard those three healing words I said five years ago
as she lives her truths in the light of self-love and self-
while standing outside my daughter’s room.
acceptance rather than constantly second-guessing herself and her decisions.
Let her be. Perhaps this sounds inviting to you, but you’re unsure of But this time, I was talking about myself.
where to start.
This time, my inner protector was sticking up for me –
It starts with being kind to ourselves about our issues and
and rightly so. I’ve just come through a challenging
insecurities. They aren’t going to disappear overnight,
winter season that contained the successful release of
but awareness and compassion are empowering and
my third book, a bout of depression, and the untimely
life-altering.
death of my dear father-in-law. And in the name of self-preservation, I stopped stepping on the scale and
It starts with repeating the mantra “only love today”
focused on survival. I continually reminded myself I was
when the inner bully gets loud in our head and starts
doing the best I could.
coming out of our mouth.
The reflection I see in the mirror today is far from flawless,
It starts with remembering to look through our children’s
but I refuse to let the after-effects of my survival keep me
eyes. Perhaps where we see room for improvement, they
from living and loving this summer.
see just right.
I’ll go to the pool … I’ll get in the water … and I’ll pass the
It starts with remembering our loved ones have teachers,
ball with my daughters. I’ll visit with friends … I’ll laugh out
bosses, coaches, and instructors who are there to offer
loud … and I’ll let myself be.
critiques and improvements. That leaves us to listen, love, and support.
“Let her be,” I will say often because that phrase instantly puts me at ease, helps me breathe, and extends to my
It starts with asking ourselves: Is this suggestion I’m about
beloveds like grace.
to give going to sound like help or judgment? Perhaps we don’t need to say anything at all. Chances are,
And the timing couldn’t be better. Over the past week,
they’re doing the best they can, just like us.
I’ve been so thankful those three healing words came back to me at this precise moment in time. It’s report
To put it in a nutshell,
card season. It’s award season. It’s tournament season. It’s graduation season – and that means it can be a hard
It starts when we decide to worry less about how our
season for many of our kids.
children’s appearance and achievements reflect on us and focus more on how our unconditional love reflects
So when my daughter brought me her social studies test
on them.
and announced she was so happy with her B … and when she declared she might like to try tennis and take a
Our issue is not their issue – at least, it doesn’t have to be.
break from competitive swimming … and when she told
Let’s step back and give them plenty of room to twirl.
me she’d worked long enough on her poetry project and
We just never know who they might become … if we let
was calling it a night… I did not push, persuade, critique,
them be.
36 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2017
[ ACTIVE FAMILY ]
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SEPTEMBER 2017 | ACTIVE FAMIL Y 37
[ CHILDREN’S HEALTH ]
Ask the Expert: Lead Poisoning in Children by Dr. Alison Matsunaga How do you get lead poisoning? Since toddlers often put things in their mouths, they are at an increased risk to ingest lead if it is present in their environment. If any individual is exhibiting “pica behavior,” which is eating non-food items that might contain lead, they are also at risk for high levels of lead in their blood. How can you prevent a child from getting it? Talk with your pediatrician if your child is at risk for elevated blood levels. A blood test will determine if your child has a high lead level in the blood and can be performed at any time. The test is often done when your child reaches one year old and can also be obtained in these situations: • Your child is exhibiting pica behavior – i.e., eating non-food items, especially dirt. • You and your child are residing in a home built before 1978, after which lead was removed from household paint. This should especially be checked if you see paint chips or dust, and/or there have been recent home renovations. • A parent works in an environment at risk for lead exposure. • You have toys or toy jewelry on the lead recall list (www.cpsc.gov). • There is exposure to medicinal herbal remedies or ceremonial makeup that might contain lead. How do you treat lead poisoning? The first approach to treating lead poisoning is to identify the lead source to stop the exposure. Subsequent chelation therapy is dependent on how high the lead level is, and how acute and sudden the exposure is. Children with higher lead levels can often have concurrent iron deficiency, which also needs to be treated. If your child has been found to have a high lead level, your pediatrician will contact your local county health department’s Lead Poisoning Prevention Program for assistance in investigating the source of the lead exposure, to ensure that your house is safe for your child. Your pediatrician and the health department will also contact our hematology center should there be further management issues. What are the effects of long-term lead poisoning? When children present with very high, toxic levels of lead in the blood, this can lead to acutely severe symptoms such as coma or seizures. Even chronically low levels of lead in the blood can affect your child’s IQ, attention span and academic performance. Previously, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention’s definition of a high lead level was above 10 to 20 micrograms per deciliter, but now even a level of 5 micrograms per deciliter warrants further investigation and follow-up. Call the Poison Control Center If your child swallowed it, breathed it in, or spilled it on his/her skin – Call the Poison Control Line at (800) 222-1222. They will ask you some questions to assess the situation and tell you quickly, right over the phone, what to do. Usually, they will be able to help take care of the problem with one phone call, and they will advise when they think you need to go to an emergency room. The poison control expert will call the Emergency Department ahead to alert them that you’re coming so you don’t have to wait. If necessary, they will call you back to check on your child’s progress. 38 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2017
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40 ACTIVE FAMIL Y | SEPTEMBER 2017