Thepaleodiet

PALEO — 1 !

(LENNON-DORN) PALEO CHAD — 30’s STEPH — 30’s KATE — late 20’s INT.

An apartment.

CHAD, STEPH and KATE are seated around the table eating dinner.

STEPH The meatloaf is good, Chad.

CHAD Oh, thanks. Happy Birthday, Steph!

KATE It must be all of the bread crumbs.

STEPH Would you like to try some, Kate?

KATE NO, Steph, I can’t. Because as you know I am practicing clean eating.

AKA Paleo.

STEPH Okay, well I assure you, the meatloaf is perfectly "clean".

STEPH laughs to herself about her joke. KATE stares at her.

KATE Did you know wheat has special spikes on it, almost like a warning sign for people not to eat it?

CHAD Oh, like a food stop sign.

PALEO — 2 !

KATE Yeah, exactly.

CHAD Well, I’m gonna press go on the food road. Babe, cyu pass the breadsticks?

STEPH Sure.

STEPH passes the bread sticks.

CHAD Want one, Kate?

KATE No, thank you, Chad. I’ve gone 12 days without any wheat, sugar, legumes, or peanuts, and I think I can go a thirteenth.

CHAD Legumes...?

STEPH She means beans.

KATE I mean, I feel great. I feel so clear. You don’t know how much sugar and gluten bog you down. I have so much energy, I feel like I could climb a rope.

STEPH Kate, this is too extreme. What do you even eat?

KATE Avocado. Ground turkey. Steak tartar.

Sesame seeds. Grapes. Raisins.

STEPH Okay, I think I got it.

PALEO — 3 !

CHAD So if you’re paleo now, you probably work out a bunch.

KATE I wake up at 6a.m. I have a glass of lemon water and some lox. I then run around my block 3 times. I come back and have an 8 oz. piece of grilled steak. Then, I go to the gym and swim laps.

STEPH So that’s why you haven’t been answering your phone.

KATE I read an article that said cavemen were in such great shape because they had to run from predators. So when I’m swimming laps, I try and picture that I’m being chased by a shark. Like, there is a shark, in the water, 10 feet away. It’s gonna come bite your foot off.

STEPH Kate, you’re already a paranoid person, I really don’t think psyching yourself out about imaginary predators is a good way to get in shape. So, what else is going on in your life?

KATE At exactly 11a.m., I drink a scalding hot cup of decaffeinated green tea.

STEPH I meant besides the diet, but okay.

KATE No matter how hot it is, I drink it all as fast as possible. It sort of shocks your guts, which mimics how

PALEO — 4 ! cavemen were often shocked when they accidentally ate a poisonous berry. It was very detoxifying.

STEPH So now you’re trying to fake poison yourself. You know, eating poisonous berries was a mistake, right? Like they wouldn’t have deliberately poisoned themselves like you’re doing.

KATE It’s not poison, it’s detox. 1p.m.

Lunchtime. I eat a white fish.

STEPH You eat an entire fish?

KATE Every day. One whole white fish.

STEPH Are you that hungry?

KATE Not at all. It’s way too much food.

CHAD So wait…you’re on a diet, but you’re actually eating more?

KATE If I’m lucky. I mean I’m not allowed in the TCF bank on Kimball anymore because I kept going in there and throwing up white fish.

STEPH Kate, that’s disgusting. This is worse than when you did that all liquid diet.

CHAD But that time she got drunk and peed on my desk.

PALEO — 5 !

KATE Like it was the first time someone peed on your desk.

CHAD It was the first time.

STEPH So you’re not letting yourself eat what you want, but forcing yourself to eat what you don’t want. Great plan.

KATE It feels like my body is full of concrete. But concrete made out of meatballs. I mean I eat meatballs like they’re popcorn. When I watch TV, I sit there with a bowl of meatballs and just eat them in handfuls.

STEPH This diet is ruining your life.

KATE I feel great! I mean, I feel so good that I don’t even miss ch-cher. Never mind.

CHAD What’s ch-cher?

KATE I was gonna say that I don’t even miss cherry...coffeecake...from Jewel.

KATE starts to breathe heavily and shift in her chair.

STEPH Are you alright? What is going on?

KATE Do you have any coffee cake? No! KATE slaps herself.

PALEO — 6 !

STEPH Yes! We have coffee cake. Just calm down.

KATE NO! I WANT A BODY LIKE A CAVEMAN! STEPH Why? Why is everyone so obsessed with how cavemen lived? Whatever they did obviously didn’t work out.

CHAD Caveman dis.

KATE My paleo mentor Tristan says that if you’re craving a processed food, just break it down to its individual parts and it will seem less appealing. It’s just buttery flaky doughy crust, sweet cherry filling, toasted pecans - THIS IS MAKING IT WORSE! I need to exercise.

KATE does pushups.

STEPH Ya know something, Kate? I’m a little done with this whole thing.

It’s my birthday, and you’ve managed to make this entire night about you and your new diet.

KATE Well I’m sorry that I’m under a little stress right now, because I have completely stopped eating wheat!

STEPH No one is making you not eat wheat!

Kate, why don’t you just eat food, and workout, like a normal person?

PALEO — 7 !

KATE No one that eats gluten is as in shape as I’ll be!

STEPH I am! I can work out, Kate. Somehow I manage to eat bread and still live a normal life.

KATE Let’s see your chair pose!

STEPH Sure! No problem!

STEPH and KATE chair pose.

CHAD It’s funny that it’s called chair pose when you have no actual chair.

STEPH + KATE SHUT UP, CHAD! KATE You know, the other day, I was walking by a playground, and this little girl was eating an egg salad sandwich, and I just grabbed it and put the entire thing in my mouth.

STEPH So this diet is actually making you crazy.

KATE Yes. It is. And so full. Sorry I ruined your Birthday with my clean eating.

STEPH It’s okay, we still have dessert.

KATE Oh, thank god.

PALEO — 8 !

STEPH Chad got my favorite, turtle cheesecake!

KATE Dairy AND gluten!? JESUS. BLACKOUT.