April 1, 2015

THE VALLEY NEWS e s t a b l i s h e d i n 1 9 1 1 at s t . l aw r e n c e u n i v e r s i t y

FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2016

INSIDE:

Page 4: Rights for rectal use: vigilante sticks it to the man across campus.

Page 4: Northstar Café thief is finally caught red handed.

AZKABAN, NEW YORK

VOLUME CVI, ISSUE 7

Northstar Café Now Offering“Hot Plate to Dorm Room”Delivery

By KATIE WILSON STAFF WRITER I recently awoke one blistery Canton morning to discover my stomach dreadfully empty-- the kind of emptiness created by a late night filled with cheap beers and ice cold walks to and from the Ticker.

In an effort to rectify the issue, I dragged my sorry ass out of bed and made my way to the pub, all the while cursing our campus’ beautiful snow

covered paths and wishing for a delivery system that did not apply solely to greasy pizza from the local pizzeria.

So, imagine my surprise when earlier this week when our dearly beloved fast-paced eatery announced that they would be offering delivery to students on campus during their daily hours of operation.

No longer will I be forced to limp out of bed on Saturday mornings. Instead, a very unfortunate pub worker will be

forced to make their way to my room (which, by the way, is on the entire opposite end of campus) and deliver me my cheese omelette with a side of toast and hash browns. Luckily for them my still alcohol-oozing pores will break into a wide grin and possibly tip them generously.

Speaking of which, I do hope my full-flex meal plan will expand enough to allow for liberal tipping extravaganzas during those post-binge drink-

ing mornings. Or, on secondthought, midst pre-game as well, as those who know me well know I need at least one slice of pepperoni pizza when being dragged anywhere after midnight.

With the incorporation of a delivery system into our adored late-night eatery, I may never be forced to leave my room again. Rather than rationalizing the ridiculously long walk to the Ticker by enticing CONTINUED ON PAGE 10

Trump Revealed as Clarkson Alum, Explains Everything

Page 7: Putting aquaponics to everyday use on Park Street.

L

By BRENDA WINN NEWS EDITOR

ast week, while SLU students were enjoying themselves on Spring Break adventures across the globe, shocking news shook the North Country. Clarkson University revealed a deep dark secret it has been hiding for years. Donald Trump, businessman, politician, television personality, and candidate for the Republican nomination for President of the United States in the 2016 election, graduated from Clarkson in 1968.

It only makes sense that once Trump began to rise to power and his true colors began

www.the hillnews.org

@hillnews

facebook.com/ the-hill-news PHOTO COURTESY OF CNN Via THN DIGITAL

CONTINUED ON PAGE 10

#FEELTHEBERN is SL(Uber) Comes to Canton, NY Actually Just a SNL Skit

By REBECCA DOSER NEWS EDITOR

By ANDREW WATSON STAFF WRITER In what he said was by-far the longest running skit in the storied history of Saturday Night Live, Larry David revealed that he is in fact Bernie Sanders and his presidential candidacy was never real. David said he was getting worried that people were taking Bernie Sanders so seriously and wanted to clear the air before things “went too far.”

Although Bernie Sanders trails front-runner Hillary Clinton in the delegate count, he has actually won some national polls and has the momentum after three straight

primary wins last week. Needless to say, this should stunt his momentum when people get word that he is in fact the 68-year-old creator of Seinfeld.

People have been “feeling the bern” all across the country for months now, as his candidacy has been carried by a wave of support from young people, old people and women, but mostly average white folks.

The Sanders platform is being run on the premise of a single-payer health care system, government subsidized college tuition, higher taxes on the rich and a less-hawkish foreign policy plan. Mr. David stated to the media CONTINUED ON PAGE 5

Your dream has finally come true, folks. You can now download the SLUber app for your convenience in the Canton, NY area. Oh yeah, you are not dreaming.

No one wants to DD tonight?

You really can’t handle those windy 10-minute night walks to the Ticker? Wanna hit up the restaurants in Potsdam but don’t have a ride? Is that walk of shame just too rough to face because you’re still wearing those 4-inch heels from last night?

SLUber has got your back!

SLUber is an American multinational online transportation network that is headquartered in Canton, NY. For those

REBECCA DOSER/NEWS EDITOR

SLUber, headquartered in Canton, NY is prime for walks-of-shame.

of you who are unfamiliar with the God of Transportation itself (aka Uber app,) it allows North Country consumers with smartphones to submit a trip request, which is then routed to SLUber drivers who use their own cars or buggies.

As of March 28, 2016, the service was made available in this extremely lively and highly populated little town. Since Uber’s original launch, several other companies (including this one) have copied its CONTINUED ON PAGE 10

RANTS

2 | THE HILL NEWS

APRIL 1, 2016

Holy Crap, God is Dead ~*~Science Wins Again ~*~

BY DANIEL BANTA STAFF ATHEIST

PHOTO COURTESY OF LOLTHEISTS

PHOTO COURTESY OF DAILYMAIL

Feel theand Bird familiarization. The signs are

By EMILY LIEBELT OPINIONS SQUASHER

A small sparrow graced the podium of Bernie Sanders, presidential candidate and galactic superstar, during his rally in Portland, OR. It wasn’t soon before the rumor that Sanders is actually a witch and capable of animal telepathic communication

all there. I truly feel Sanders is a supernatural being capable of both time and space travel. I believe the sparrow was sent by Sanders’ warlock comrades from the hit TV show “Portlandia” to tell us that they approve of his message. “Put a bird on it,” they say when they find a vintage suitcase or handcrafted doily that they simply can’t live without.

PHOTO COURTESY OF DEMETERCLARC

THE VALLEY NEWS CAP’N Emma Cummings-Krueger ‘16 FIRST MATES Elle Lucas ‘16 Thomas Mathiasen ‘16 QUARTERMASTERS Rebecca Doser ‘16 Brenda Winn ‘17 BOATSWAIN Alexa Mitchell ‘16

POWDERMONKEY Emily Liebelt ‘16 CABIN BOY Caroline Seelen ‘17 STRIKER Lauren Weeks ‘18 GUNNER Kelsey Mattison ‘18 PILOT Ben Brisson ‘16

EDITORIAL POLICY The Hill News is published every Friday of the school year, except during holidays and examination periods, by the students of St. Lawrence University, Canton, NY 13617. Unsolicited manuscripts, articles, and letters to the editor must be typed and signed. Copy and advertisement deadlines are 12:00 p.m. on the Monday prior to publication. All materials submitted for publication are the property of The Hill News and are subject to revision.

The Hill News office is located on the third floor of the Student Center; our telephone number is (315) 229-5139. We have the ability to receive e-mails at elcumm12@stlawu.edu. The comments and opinions of our readers are welcome.

COPYRIGHT 2016 — VOLUME CVI, ISSUE 7

SEA ARTISTS Brandon DiPerno ‘16 Jack Lyons ‘17 MASTER Kristen Jovanelly ‘16 SKIPPER Katie Pierce ‘17 SURGEONS Erin Hogan ‘19 Kathryn Wilson ‘18 Jasmyn Druge ‘18 Emily Wyman ‘18

LETTER TO THE EDITOR SUBMISSIONS Letters may be no more than 500 words in length. All letters must be typed, signed by the author, and include the author’s full name and telephone number. The name of the author may be withheld only for compelling reasons, and after discussion with the editorial board. The Hill News reserves the right to edit letters for space, clarity, style, and taste. The printing or omission of letters is entirely at the discretion of the editors and The Hill News. Any letter received after deadline will not be considered for publication in that week’s issue.

All copy, advertisements, letters to the editor, etc., must be submitted as hard copy or e-mail by the above listed deadlines unless other arrangements have previously been made. This policy is strictly enforced.

The opinions expressed herein do not necessarily reflect the opinions of the newspaper, the staff, or St. Lawrence University.

A recent experiment carried out by scientists at CERN found compelling evidence that God is not real. After running a series of highly complex mathematical equations derived from recent data yielded from colliding two particles that nobody has heard of, they found there was no God. Despite that an estimated 99.99 percent of the population cannot truly understand the mathematics behind the finding, these scientists have fundamentally changed society.

A scattologist from Harvard University corroborated the findings in another study. He independently verified the original findings when his own data revealed the Bible was comprised of approximately 97 percent fecal matter and three percent generic moral lessons.

On the following morning, people were amazed when the sun rose and the day began anew, as if unphased, perhaps indifferent, to our very existence in the universe. The day proceeded as normal. Many were shocked to find they still wanted to live their lives morally, despite lacking the support of a deity.

“I was so, so surprised that I still love my wife and kids,” exclaimed John Obvio, a retired car mechanic from San Jose, California. “The fact I still have morals is astounding! Who knew that just by not being a dick, I could have morals without the Bible,” he continued.

Others expressed fear over the future. “Will I still get presents on Christmas?” asked a boy from Boston. “I wonder if I can

still worship dog?” questioned a dyslexic woman from Ohio.

The findings have had a massive impact on America’s political landscape. Yesterday morning, Ben Carson was admitted to a mental hospital after insisting he was still communicating with Jesus. After hours of sobbing, Ted Cruz finally conceded that science is right but maintained that he was still homophobic.

Late last night, Republican frontrunner Donald Trump

“Yesterday morning, Ben Carson was admitted to a mental hospital after insisting he was still communicating with Jesus.” questioned how God could suddenly not exist anymore. “I still see myself in the mirror, and this is the best mirror.

You’re saying I’m not there?” he bellowed to a roaring crowd.

During a press conference this morning, former governor Mike Huckabee announced that he will be receiving gender reassignment surgery and requested to be called Caitlyn. His (now her) surprising declaration was followed by remarks from former President George W. Bush. After finding out what the word “definitive” meant, Bush told reporters, “I’m glad I won’t have to spend an eternity in hell with Dick Cheney anymore.”

The sports world was also rocked by the findings. A bemused Ray Lewis pondered how hard work, having your

bodyguard take the fall for murder, and general luck allowed him to win a Super Bowl. Exquarterback and future Dancing With the Stars contestant Tim Tebow stated he plans to worship Peyton Manning instead of god. Other athletes feared that steroids alone could not help them stay competitive.

Even the entertainment industry felt the effects of this discovery. In a press conference this morning, Mel Gibson announced that although he was no longer anti-Semitic, he was simply a dick. The father of the Duggar family, Jim Duggar, said he never believed in God, he just hated wearing condoms.

Later in the day, author Dan Brown filed a lawsuit against the scientists at CERN claiming they stole the plot to his next novel.

Businesses everywhere were impacted by the discovery that God did not exist. A representative for Chuck E. Cheese’s said that a staggering number of now former priests had applied for a job there. Many analysts expect Christian Mingle to go out of business, while others predict that Tinder will buy the dating service. Condom sales have been at record highs.

Other companies are worried about the future. Stockholders for Smith & Wesson wondered if humans would find a new reason to kill each other. In order to stay to employed, many prominent evangelical radio hosts feel they can apply their skills for selling a scam to vulnerable people in future career endeavors. They are planning to sell Shamwows for infomercials.

APRIL FOOLS!! God is totally real.

OPINIONS

APRIL 1, 2016

THE HILL NEWS | 3

De a r Dub: Take Back The Night (

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By KRISTEN JOVANELLY STAFF COLUMNIST

KELSEY MATTISON/PHOTOGRAPHY EDITOR

Many SLU spaces have been tagged in “for rectal use ONLY” stickers.

For Rectal Use Only

By DEEP TOOT GUEST INFILTRATOR The St. Lawrence University campus has recently been under siege by a mysterious, Banksy-esque, street artist only known as “HSN.” This artist, fearful of having their true identity discovered, operates at night by sticking these pharmaceutical labels on doors, chairs, and on all sorts of objects pertaining to the lives of students.

When we wake in the morning and find another crudemessaged sticker blocking access to an important handle or railing, we are left to fend off our most primal instincts. The issue of free speech immediately comes to the foreground as students debate ways to deal with the menace. Some say take them down and condemn such actions. Others, however, see the sticker outbreak as an opportunity to spread anarchy.

Several members of the Arts Annex have questioned weather or not Google is involved. Tick Nace ’19 stated, “there is no way that whoever is responsible for these transgressions will show their face to our community. The inappropriate conduct they promote is toxic to our serene culture of binge drinking and miscommunication.

What this loser is saying, is that they think putting things in someone’s butt is somehow funny. I mean jeeze, imagine if my grandma tried

to open a door and noticed the same label on it as the ones on her suppositories!”

Another student, wishing to remain anonymous, felt the need to mention the Google street cars she has seen cruising around on the same nights that the stickers appear. “Like, I don’t want to insult the greatest entity this civilization has ever known, but Google does seem to have the same reckless sense of entitlement and uncanny ability to get people drawn to primary colors. I don’t know, but I hope some of these sheeple wake up and take on the machines!”

Further questions were met with a pterodactyl screech and low grunts. The mystery will surely continue, and the soft chuckles of students finding a funny sticker will most certainly be heard by some (sort of ) aware technology.

In my opinion, there has been no greater time to take to the streets, in great writhing throngs of young bodies, and slather the walls of this town in profane and giggle-inducing slogans.

These events should inspire us to Google some catchy phrases like, “beep bloop blorp @pepefrog” and stick them where the sun DOES shine. We musn’t be afraid to speak out and challenge the way this society values butts, stickers, and stickers about butts.

The time is now to fight or die for freedom.

PHOTO COURTESY OF MEMECDN

Relevant meme that depicts the inner feels of seniors right meow.

The Dub hates to be the ones to shatter the April Fool’s trend. There are many ways in which we could easily mock the obscene political regulations on women’s reproductive rights, Brazilian body waxes, and Special K meal shakes. But amidst the jokes we can poke at ourselves and at the buffoonery of the media surrounding us are the much more corrosive punchlines. These include (but are not limited to) the mockery and hypersexualization of the body, the ignorant jabs at the transgender community, and the rape jokes which women are supposed to laugh at if they’re down and not the “thought police.”

Let’s put it into perspective. First off, the thought police is not a thing. I’ve checked Wikipedia, I asked Siri—it’s completely bogus.

No feminist killjoy is going to whip out her shiny badge and bring you down to brain police headquarters with her vibrator to your throat for your stupid joke. So, please don’t tell me I’m censoring you. I’ll dare you to tell me of one day where you interacted with other human beings on this planet that you didn’t censor yourself. It’s not a bad thing–we all have weird

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thoughts that are better kept to ourselves. In class, I often think about unlikely animal friendships when I lose focus.

Does that mean I’m going to ask my professor if manatees and labradors would be friends when she asks if anybody has further questions?

No, it does not. Seriously, we censor ourselves all the time, because, essentially, we are not entitled sociopaths.

According to the Center for Disease Control, one in four female college students have been sexually assaulted and many assaults go unreported. So, the people to whom you’re cracking a joke have most likely have been affected by sexual assault directly or indirectly. When you make a joke in that room that trivializes rape or mocks rape victims, you are deliberately making victims uncomfortable, hurt, or ashamed.

On Tuesday, April 5th, the Dub will be hosting Take Back the Night at 7:00 PM in the Gunnison Memorial Chapel. Take Back the Night is an event that provides a platform for people of different ages, backgrounds, sexes, etc. to share their stories pertaining to sexual assault and violence.

The event commences with several speakers who have prepared speeches to share with the participating group.

It is followed by a candle

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lighting ceremony, and then a Speak Out, where others can share their stories with sexual abuse and violence in a safe and judgment-free zone. The goal of the event, as stated on the website of the foundation is, “To create safe communities and respectful relationships through awareness events and initiatives. We seek to end sexual assault, domestic violence, dating violence, sexual abuse, and all other forms of sexual violence.”

Statistics are startling, according to the foundation’s website, as many as 1 in 6 men are believed to be the victim of sexual or domestic violence in their lifetime. 44 percent of lesbians and 61 percent of bisexual women experience rape, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner, compared to 35 percent of heterosexual women. Of these crimes, less than 50% are reported to the police. According to the Human Rights Campaign, 85 percent of victim advocates surveyed by the National Coalition of AntiViolence Programs reported having worked with an LGBTQ survivor who was denied services because of their sexual orientation or gender identity. Take Back the Night seeks to shatter the silence of victims to stop the violence. Let’s shift the conversation and reclaim the night. Please join us!

I Use d To Be A Br un e t te

By EMMA CUMMINGS-K CHIEF Growing up in Scandinavian Minnesota, I was surrounded by tall giants, freckled cheeks, deep sunburns and, perhaps most of all, blondes. We had more fun. But, over time, as the summer sun yielded natural highlights, I began to doubt my individuality in my hometown. As I grew older and travelled east of the Mississippi River, I saw the true range of root color.

So one stop to the Walgreens box-dye aisle and an at-home dye job later, I was finally unique. With my chocolate locks, I stood for something; I had integrity, not fun. Summer came and went, and my hair sparkled with sloppily applied caramel undertones. I was a brunette; I was special. Hell, I was no longer a dumb blonde.

But something changed.

The date was May 29, 2011. I attended junior prom in Minneapolis feat. my shiny brown curls. My mother snapped photos of my date and I until the sun set on the Mississippi. But something was

MEGAN CUMMINGS KRUEGER/GUEST PHOTOGRAPHER

Cummings (left) mid dye-job and sister (right) with natural, normal hair.

wrong on her digital camera; my skin tone, locks, and roots mismatched. The purpose of this op-ed is not to tell you how to color your hair. It was at this time in May of 2011 that I found myself tackling a beauty identity crisis. My hair used to be the hair of my phenotype, the hair of my sister (pictured above right, the wholesome Minnesotan who never dyed it), the hair of fun.

I as a high schooler was at a cross-roads. Some would argue that hair-color is a means of self expression. I would challenge them to think about

what it means to be a member of a blonde heritage dating back less far than its brunette counterpart. If after they consider this prompt they still find themselves supporting Walgreens-sold box dyes, then I will know that tastefully highlighted hair as we know it will have ceased to exist. I used to be a brunette. *This satire was adapted from the legitimate op-ed “I used to be a Republican” from R. Christopher DiMezzo in the March 11 edition of The Hill News.

Some ideas were taken from DiMezzo out of context above.

BLUES

4 | THE HILL NEWS

APRIL 1, 2016

Inside The Bubble

This Week’s Issue: CDC DECLARES HAPPINESS CONTAGIOUS, BONERIFIC

By LIBBY LUCAS FIRST MATE

A report released last week by the Center for Disease Control has finally named the epidemic that has swept the globe for the last 3 billion years: Happiness.

Characterized by symptoms of sore cheek muscles from smiling, positive thoughts about generally everything, high-pitched giggling and giving excessively large tips to underpaid wait staff, the disease has been known to infect civilians from birth to death at random occurrences.

“It’s easy to recognize the symptoms when they strike,” said Dr. Ellen Smiley, a representative of the CDC. “However, many patients are finding that the symptoms aren’t so bad after all.”

Many physicians are reporting that citizens afflicted with overwhelming joy have been, ironically, dissatisfied when their

doctors have been unable to provide treatment.

“The problem is,” said Dr. House, MD, “that these people are asking us to give them medication for a problem that doesn’t exist. There is no treatment.”

The CDC says Happiness is extremely contagious and those found showing teeth in their smile are particularly probable to spread the illness to those found within a ten- to twenty-foot radius. Notably airborne, a hearty laugh has been found to be the primary source of the rampant sickness.

Though it is not poisonous, the disease has been confirmed to have a toxic reaction when in contact with the cold, dead hearts found inside millions of Americans.

Numbers of the afflicted have been increasing since the vernal equinox on March 20. With the expectation of warmer and usually sunnier days in the coming months, those in the northern hemisphere

are experiencing exponentially better workdays, as a side effect known as hope begins to infiltrate their inner most demons.

With workplaces from cubicles to corner offices suffering from brighter personalities and better water cooler conversations, home lives have been also feeling the effects. Though no correlations have been drawn by a single official organization, there appears to be good luck in store for those with a penis: Happiness has the potential to be more effective than Viagra in assisting elderly gentlemen get, and keep, a sustained and prominent erection.

While Happiness isn’t for everyone, the CDC recommends that symptoms should not be ignored, and those affected should weather the “sunshine” while able. With benefits noted even in Deatheaters, Happiness could be the solution.

Security Blotter

KELSEY MATTISON/ PHOTO EDITOR

Breakfastwithbex finally caught in a three-month investigation of “The Northstar Café Breakast Thief ” conducted by Sergeant Dave Richer.

PHOTO COURTESY OF TRUMPETMEDIAGROUP

The U.S. was voted off of the UN Security Council just this morning.

U.S. Removed from U.N. Security Council

By ANDREW WATSON STAFF WRITER

Despite playing a role in founding the organization, helping fund it and establishing its headquarters in New York City, today the United States was voted off of the UN Security Council in an unprecedented, but honestly totally deserved move.

The vote hinged on which way the United Kingdom would vote, however, it became clear they would vote to have the US removed after they saw the latest Republican presidential poll numbers.

Although the members have different motives and goals, all four-member countries decided they needed to band together to prevent the US from having any sway in international matters for the next eight year.

The Russian delegation to the United Nations had this to say. “Until we can be absolutely sure that Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump or Ted Cruz cannot be President, we cannot risk them having any sort of power on the world stage. Although we have our differences with the United States, in this case we are just doing our best to save the world from a group of clowns.”

China nodded in agreement, still reeling from the brutal empty and asinine threats made by Donald Trump, who they said “lit-

erally has the IQ of a wheat thin.”

French President Francis Hollande stated that he made up his mind when Ted Cruz refused to walk back his comment about “carpet bombing” ISIS in Syria. “Does this guy realize we have billion dollar missile systems designed to limit civilian casualties? Or does he just enjoy watching people die? Cough He’s the Zodiac Killer God help the USA cough.”

In what was the most surprising move of the day, President Barack Obama agreed with the council and said “maybe it was best” that the US took a break from playing Risk in everyone else’s country.

He stated that while he a close friend of Hillary Clinton, her foreign policy worldview is “just George Bush with a D next to his name and a pantsuit.”

All but one presidential candidate refused to comment.

Of course, the one who did agree was Mr. Donald J. Trump. “They removed us? Good? We don’t have to pay for their stupid building anymore, “ he said in an official statement. “In fact, build a wall around it; I don’t want anyone in or out of that building. Let them starve and use any means necessary to keep them from escaping.

Because when the UN sends its people, they aren’t sending their best.”

CLUES

APRIL 1, 2016

THE HILL NEWS | 5

Dana Taco Bar: Now Available for Rent

By KELSEY CARD GUEST WRITER

PHOTO COURTESY OF PEOPLE

Larry David reveals on SNL that he is in fact Bernie Sanders and his candidacy was a joke.

BERNIE FROM PAGE 1

came up with these ideas while drunk and was not sure what he was going to do after Seinfeld ended.

“I didn’t think anyone would take these things seriously or see them as a possibility.

A tax rate on millionares of 52 percent? Do they realize what country we live in? This is America. It’s been great for my career though, it has been quite enjoyable to play the role of someone so genuinely convinced America can be saved from itself,” he said.

“Senator Sanders is somewhere in Mexico with a Corona in each hand. He is safe and sound. He just saw this as a perfect opportunity to get the hell away from everything

going on Capitol Hill” David said when prompted about the safety and well-being of the real Bernie Sanders.

He also said Mr. Sanders is cut off from the outside world and “will be in for quite a shock” if he ever gets to a radio or a TV. That being said, Larry David will take a few days to consider whether he will continue running as Bernie Sanders now that this whole thing has “gotten so out of hand.”

It is a fascinating way to rise to fame. Bernie Sanders is now a household name and is dominating Facebook pages across the globe. Other celebrities have risen to fame in interesting ways, including but not limited to Kim Kardashian’s sex tape leaked by her own mother and Paris Hilton, who

is famous for absolutely nothing substantial at all.

The questions now arise of who else is part of the joke.

Sources tell The Hill News that Donald Trump may in fact be Golem from Lord of the Rings and Hillary Clinton is almost certainly just Charles Koch in a hairpiece. Will we ever know the truth?

Our sources also indicated that Oprah Winfrey will be hosting a “True Candidate Reveal” in which she will tear the masks off of all presidental forerunners. Whether or not this show will actually be happening, the situation of David pretending to be Sanders will certainly go down in history.

Someday, our children will learn of this epic hoax, pulled off by SNL.

The joy of taco bar is no secret on the St. Lawrence campus. Students rush to Dana crushing everyone in their paths in the hopes of heaving as much ground beef, cheese, various vegetables, and corn bread into their mouths as possible. Unfortunately, we as students are only offered this exceptional opportunity a few times a month. Due to the severe emotional distress caused by the lack of taco bar in the dining hall, dining services has officially decided to make Taco Bar more available. If you find yourself famished any day of the week, you now have the option of renting the taco bar.

Taco bar is officially available for rent to all students Monday – Saturday 8:00am – 11:00pm.

Students across campus have waited for this opportunity to have the taco bar available to them whenever they want it for as long as they want it. For your group movie night, late night study session, club meeting, or Saturday night turn-up, the taco bar is now here for your convenience. Dana Dining Hall contemplated many different options when they realized that all students really want is taco bar. “We considered putting it in the Student Center, the bookstore, or in a variety of common rooms across campus,” said a Dana worker. “We decided these options would be too difficult to maintain in the long run.” The

ultimate solution was to create a the for-rent option that is now available. This way, students can choose when they would like to have it and for how long.

The Taco Bar comes at the cheap cost of 100 to-go container tokens per hour, and includes: soft and hard tortillas, ground beef, chicken, roasted vegetables, and all the fixin’s you could imagine. Taco bar also comes in the organic bar often seen in Dana dining hall.

If you order now and use the code TACOBAR4EVER you will get the bonus items of Mexicali rice and corn bread.

If you’re interested in renting the Taco bar, please email tacobar4rent@stlawu.edu with the date and time in which you are interested. Taco bar is a hot commodity in this new era of dining so prepare yourselves for the upsetting reality that you might not get the taco bar.

Also, you and your party will be responsible for all clean up and maintenance of the bar while in your possession.

“I am so beyond excited for this awesome new party food option,” said Brenda Winn ’17.

“All of my friends love taco bar day at Dana so now we will be able to rent it whenever we want it.” ***Disclaimer*** Rent at your own risk! SLU students have been known to start stampedes to get to Taco Bar. St. Lawrence University is not liable for any injuries acquired while renting Taco Bar. Knives not included.

features

6 | THE HILL NEWS

KELSEY MATTISON/PHOTOGRAPHY EDITOR

The future of Pub 56: tropics in Canton.

Pub 56 Opens Tiki Bar

By GRACE BODKIN STAFF WRITER “I’m getting tired of the vibe here,” President Fox said recently on a cold day while sipping a Blue Moon at Pub 56. In the spirit of spring, the manager of the student bar has decided to transition Pub 56 into the SLU Tiki bar!

Instead of PBR and Bud-

weiser, the Tiki Bar will be serving up Piña Coladas and other tropical beverages, all with fresh fruit and tapas. The most noticeable difference will be in the serving area, where a bamboo bar covering and palm trees will be installed. The construction will be built to last, and changes will not be subtle.

The fireplaces will feature customized totem poles, revealing

ancient St. Lawrence traditions.

“We’re really excited to bring a little tropical thunder to campus,” Tito Makani, the new assistant manager, said, already wearing a lei in preparation.

The staff put in orders for similar neckwear and grass skirts last week. The Tiki Bar will be open just in time for this finals week and summer vacation, but it will stay open through 2016, and years and years to come.

Elizabeth Girard, president of the Hula dancing club, has been waiting for this moment since the minute she stepped on campus her freshman year.

“SLU needs a place for warmth and good vibes, I can’t wait to perform with my group at the Tiki Bar!” Students can expect limbo, ukuleles and finally a venue to live out their vacation dreams without a plane ride.

President Fox and Tito have since sat down over some refreshing Seabreezes to discuss the plans, and both are confident the Tiki Bar will be a hit.

When Fox did express concern over losing tradition, Tito spoke some words of wisdom, “The sands of the beach must change with each new wind.”

Boot ‘n’ Paddle:Farewell for Now

By KLARE NEVINS COLUMNIST This week’s Boot n’ Paddle unfortunately comes to you with a note of melancholy. After 79 years, the school’s largest club on campus and the second oldest college outing club in the country is ending its prestigious run. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the theme house process, each spring every theme house is required to submit a proposal to the Theme Selection Committee in order to secure its position on campus for the fall.

This spring, it was determined by the Theme House Selection Committee that our theme had “not been contributing positively to the community” as the Outing Club no longer lives within the mission statement and moral grounding of the student body or the University. As a result, the OC will no longer “continue to reside at 58 Park for the 20162017 academic year” (Theme Selection Committee Decision Letter, 2016).

As much as it pained us, we attempted to justify this decision. This led us to critically look at the OC’s role on campus and our fall into a general abyss of irrelevance along with Heelys, Razor scooters, that time when everyone wore Livestrong bracelets, Lip Smackers Lipgloss, and the iPhone 5.

Throughout the year, the OC has been seen record low attendance on trips, as fewer and

fewer students have been interested in participating in various hiking, skiing, and general adventuring trips. Initially, in order to maintain morale and perpetuate an image of current relevance, we were forced to take drastic measures. For Peak Weekend, the first 30 participants were offered the pub cookies the OC won in the #NEGAWATT 2016 competition, with the exception that each participant would hike at least six high peaks and appear in eight photographs with the most photogenic and highest calculated “GNAR” status OC members.

In doing so, this would act to validate and promote the club’s image. House members have also taken to packing various wigs, jackets, and sunglasses in their packs and building manikins stuffed with the recycled beer cans consumed by dejected house members in order to uphold the appearance that students were still participating in trips. Most drastically, the house received not a single application from the student body this spring. This forced the graduating seniors to pull together and collectively decide to fail all their classes for the semester, consequently ensuring that none would graduate and would be able to maintain numbers in the house this coming fall.

These new trends can only be explained in recent developments in the science community, as studies show that it is actually more dangerous to

be outside exposed to natural elements.

It has been proven that a “nature” setting automatically increases levels of the stress hormone cortisol in our brains, as well as blood pressure and heart rate, making us more prone to experiencing cardiac failure. The more time someone spends outdoors, the more likely they will experience “bad moods,” “depression,” and a decrease in social skills.

Even the case for absorbing daily recommended levels of vitamin D can no longer be seen as a benefit of the outdoors, as the ozone layer has been so drastically depleted that the sun’s rays are now too powerful, causing severe allergic reactions and extensive rashes that are characteristic of their oozing pustules and noxious odor.

Finally, an article in the esteemed journal, Today Psychology, recommends that an average person spend a minimum of 44 hours per week engaged with electronic media in order to decrease the prevalence of ADHD in children and address America’s high obesity rate.

Being at such a progressive and open-minded liberal arts school, we cannot help but be exposed to the latest and most advanced theories or our time.

In order to stay relevant, current and competitive with the college market, we must meet the needs of our students and look out for their overall

APRIL 1, 2016

KELSEY MATTISON/PHOTOGRAPHY EDITOR

Bachelor of the Week: The Albino Squirrel Zodiac Sign: Gemini

What is your spirit animal?

A drunk college male.

What are your best traits?

I’m very nutty, super unique, hard to get, and I maintain a low social media profile.

How do you fight the fame?

Smoking leftover blunts I find on the quad and freaking out drunk students.

What is your favorite TV show?

Happy Tree Friends.

What is the soundtrack to your life?

“The Life of Pablo,” “I Don’t Fuck With You,” and “Hide Away” by Daya.

What are your hobbies?

Greeting my fans, spa retreats, keeping up on my juice cleanse, and spin classes.

What is your favorite drunk food?

I don’t drink. I only smoke fat blunts.

Then what is your favorite munchy food?

Pizza crust and mozz sticks.

Plan a date in the North Country.

First, we would climb to the top of the Chapel and listen to the bells. Then we would sit in the

middle of Park Street and scare drivers. Next we would climb a tree near the athletic fields and get it on, which would be followed by raiding the leftover food behind the Green House.

Do you see yourself marrying someone from SLU? I’m not about marriage, but I have babies everywhere.

Do you have any dating advice for the men at SLU? If you hide long enough in the trashcan, a woman will come along.

Tick Tock or Java?

I’m more of a Pub 56 kind of man.

What is your favorite spot on campus?

I love chillin’ with the groundhogs under the Whitman Annex.

Boxers or briefs?

I prefer to go commando.

If you could have a beer with anyone living or dead, who would it be?

President Fox, but I prefer fine wines.

Are you looking for an end of the year fling?

I’m just a squirrel looking for his nuts.

How could a possible mate get your attention?

Don’t pull out your camera when you see me.

health and mental well-being, which ultimately indicates that we need to reduce time spent outdoors.

As a result, we look forward to becoming more conscientious and grounded human beings. With that being said, it has become evident that the OC will never be able to compete with science, which has

led us to re-think the mission of our club.

As of today, we are submitting a historic new theme house proposal to become the nation’s first In-ing Club, a club that is committed to staying indoors at all costs. We hope that the student body will support us as we move forward towards this new direction.

Hometown: Colton, NY Major: Environmental Studies

APRIL 1, 2016

Sneakers

7 | THE HILL NEWS

SLU-Clarkson Merger Undergoing Evaluation

By ALLISON PILCHER STAFF WRITER From February 25-27 of this year, the Board of Trustees gathered on campus for their winter series of meetings on a wide array of topics including budgeting, stainability and other goals for the University. Here’s something that might rile up students even more than tuition increases: one meeting heard a proposal for a merger between St. Lawrence University and Clarkson University from Patrick Roche, a representative from Clarkson’s administration.

Initially, a merger with our long-term rival seemed preposterous, but after some preliminary examination, it is clear there are benefits to such a drastic step. Since the Village of Canton banned St. Lawrence from acquiring more property last fall, concerns have been raised regarding plans for expansion. It would be more difficult having a student body split between two towns, but administrators do not see that as a barrier.

“Many larger schools have multiple campuses. The school would, of course, provide shuttles between the two,” explained William Crombie, a member of the Board of Trustees and a proponent of the merger. He says it is a good fit because even though Clarkson is an independent technological university and SLU focuses on the liberal

arts, the two have similar values but different strengths. He believes combining the institutions would make the student experience twice as great.

Others are vehemently against the idea. “St. Lawrence has a unique personality. Such a large change would be a threat

KELSEY MATTISON/PHOTOGRAPHY EDITOR

to what many students love best about the school,” argued President Fox. Other concerns involve weakening our strong alumni network. Not only are our alumni active in helping students with internship and career placement, but they also donate millions of dollars to the St. Lawrence Fund

annually. Some worry that a merger would make alumni feel less connected to the University.

“I would feel betrayed by the school if this merger actually happened” shared Anita Knapp ’16. “Putting down Clarkson is one of my favorite pastimes – it seems so wrong that this is even being considered! I feel like the different campus cultures attract different kinds of students.”

Though a merger would change the small-school feel, it would broaden academic and co-curricular opportunities for students at both schools. As an additional benefit, it would make our athletic teams more competitive – especially ice hockey, which is a good source of revenue at the Division I level.

Larger schools also draw a more competitive applicant pool and are better known among employers.

Joe Mommuh ’18 noted, “It would be nice to have the opportunity to get to know some Clarkson girls better.”

The combined school would remain relatively small, with about 5,650 students. Many of the benefits reflect the University’s goals as highlighted in the Strategic Map in 2011. Included among the six areas for improvement are facilities, curriculum and admissions. While the merger is a new idea at this point, it is something that will be considered as a solution to financial limitations and growth restrictions over the next five to ten years.

Why isn’t Pluto a Planet?

By SARA MINOGUE COLUMNIST “Dear Pluto, your membership renewal has been declined. Sincerely, the Solar System.”

I found this compelling quote from the website Dear Blank Please Blank. This quote came about after we stripped Pluto of its status as a planet.

Why? Because we don’t like small things; it is a scientific fact that bigger is always better.

Let us consider the compelling scientific evidence that bigger is always better. First, has anyone ever had a Big Mac or a Whopper? It is a common trend for fast food restaurants to create menu items of giant proportions. Since they have been around for so long, this proves that humans like large

food items. Smaller items like yogurt cups and baby carrots are highly unfavourable to us, as they are miniscule and do not fill us up as a Big Mac would.

Now, let’s compare this data

“...we don’t like small things; it is a scientific fact that bigger is always better.” to the instance of Pluto. Pluto is much smaller than the other eight planets of our solar system. NASA has explained that Pluto could realistically be a tiny moon surrounding Jupiter if it were closer to this gi-

ant planet.

We have established that Pluto is small and that people don’t like small things. So why then do we continue to allow small things to exist? More specifically, why do people drive around in small sports cars when they know that pick up trucks are larger, better, faster, and stronger? Why do people demand half portions at a restaurant or split meals when they know that a large meal is scientifically proven to fill their stomachs more? I believe there is a conspiracy regarding small objects and food items in our world and eliminating Pluto from the Solar System was the first step in unravelling this controversy. I stand here before the world begging that we end this trend of tininess. Enough is enough!!!

PHOTO COURTEST OF JEFF MOGAVERGO

Green House senior Jeffgwyn tends to the newest crop of herbs.

Feel the Beet: Hooked on [aqua]Ponics

By JEFF MOGAVERO COLUMNIST This summer, I had the wonderful experience of visiting the friend of my old roommate (Eric McIntyre ’15) in Michigan, where she had several fabulous hydroponics systems in her cushy real person house (as opposed to a non-real person house: a theme home). Floating in a nutrient-laden water bath were brilliantly green tomato plants, leafy greens fresh for the picking and a boatload of herbs. Upon laying my eyes on the tangle of plastic tubing and bins, little motors, flowing water, and delightful plants, I knew what I would do come my senior year of college. And now, I am proud to say, after much tinkering, flooding, and jerry-rigging, the Green House is now equipped with a fairly sizeable hydroponic system in our basement.

With the water flowing around joints of PVC piping, the grow lights glowing, and pumps a pumpin’, we are now able to provide fresh herbs to all of our dinner guests over the harsh winter months, including basil, parsley, and other herbs. I’ve written previously about the difficulties of eating seasonally during the winter months here in the North Country, but fear not, fresh herbs have arrived to save the day! At first, we expected a bit of back lash from facilities, as we have a fairly hefty operation. However, facilities could not be more thrilled with our dank infrastructure improvements in the basement. During the recent freeze/ thaw/rain flooding events that ravaged a number of theme house basements, ours reigned supreme, as we used the water pouring out of our walls to freshen up the supply that we had been circulating around our water-borne plants. On her weekly visit, Officer Kelly even stopped down in the basement and gave us all a big round of high fives

in honor of the fact that no one was injured, maimed, or underage in the construction of our new garden. She could not get over the beauty of our herbs, and especially the basil.

Residential Coordinator and theme house extraordinaire, Charnele Luster, was equally as impressed. Luster could hardly contain her excitement. “When I first saw the system, I must say I was a bit concerned. But then I saw the great herbs they were growing. I mean, really great herbs. Quality plants. You could even say they were dope.” Luster continued, “I knew I’d just tell the fire inspectors not to go in the basement from then on.” With Luster’s blessing, we are now ramping up our hydroponic system and planning to convert it to aquaponics. With aquaponics, adorable fish swim around the water system secreting solid waste, one of the more excellent plant fertilizers around. If you are familiar with the aquaponic system in the Johnson greenhouse, you may notice that the fish are now gone. This is in no way related to the presence of the fish in our basement, but rather a confusion with the location of the Swedish Fish at Java.

Both hydroponics and aquaponics are excellent ways to grow everything you could ever desire under the very floors you dance wildly upon each weekend. The naturally moist environment of St. Lawrence basements contributes to a greenhouse-like effect, allowing all of your basil, parsley, and other herbs to flourish under your grow lights. Stop by the Green House some time to learn about the magic of science and increased growth rates one can attain in a aquaponic system. And don’t forget to tell all your friends: We have the best at-this-point-still-unnamed-butyou-know-what-I’m-talking-about herbs on campus!

8 | THE HILL NEWS

ARTS & CRAFTS

APRIL 1, 2016

PHOTO COURTESY OF COLIN KIRKLAND

Jesus Has Been Resurrected: LCD Soundsystem Reunion Show Proves!

By COLIN KIRKLAND COLUMNIST This past Easter Sunday, LCD Soundsystem played their first show in five years where they were applauded by an unexpected die-hard fan. The iconic indie-electronic band was not the only thing to rise from the dead after announcing their funeral five years prior during a filmed show at Madison Square Garden. The unexpected show took place at Webster Hall in New York City, mostly as a warm up concert for future summer headlining spots at festivals including Coachella, Lollapalooza, and Panorama.

But this exciting reunion ended up being more than just a warm up when none other but the son of God emerged for not only the first time in almost 2000 years, but he also came out as “a huge LCD fan!”

During the band’s third song, “I Can Change,” a classic from LCD’s 2010 album, This Is Happening, one of the synthesizers went haywire and started to shriek over the thumping crowd.

Seconds into the unbearable noise, the band stopped playing and sound technicians came out to fix the broken instrument. As front man James Murphy was giggling and apologizing to the

mini-sea of people, This Is the End star Aziz Ansari shouted from a VIP booth and pointed to the back of the venue. All of a sudden a bright white light exploded and ricocheted off of a massive disco ball hanging from the ceiling, leaving everyone temporarily blinded.

As people’s vision started to return, Murphy mouthed into the microphone an appropriate, “Holy Shit.”

Standing calmly in the front row of general admission was a bearded man wearing a long tie dye shawl and a vine headband adorned with shimmering glitter. Looking similar to many Brooklyn men, it was easy to

tell the figure was special due to the flowing yellow light emitted from his physical presence.

Murphy and the band looked absolutely shocked, as the rest of the crowd tried to figure out whether or not this was an Arcade Fire-esque stunt. It was not.

Jesus held up a peace sign, said “Rock On,” and the place went wild. For the first time at any concert ever, security simultaneously ripped off their shirts and joined in with the crowd. As the song “Tribulations” played, Jesus said, “No more!” and glow sticks rained from the rafters.

At the end of the show,

Murphy invited Jesus on stage — he blessed everyone, but was unclear as to whether or not he would be sticking around for the after party. Does his father know he is out of the kingdom?

He may have to return ASAP to sneak in through the basement window. The audience seemed captivated by what they had just experienced and seemed to know in their hearts that if any legendary band could resurrect the Light of the World, it would be LCD Soundsystem and their alwaysincredible effervescent dance parties. Let us all be glad to have them back.

Amen.

Clarkson Continues To Suck...

A Bit More Than Usual

By CATHERINE FLORES STAFF WRITER Clarkson University will be the setting for an upcoming reality TV series.

The show, entitled Consistently Ugly, will examine life at Clarkson with unattractive students, obscure gender ratios, and unusually high numbers of virgins. The series will give viewers a look at Clarkson through the eyes of different students whose personas are the epitome of the university.

Some featured students in Season One include the president of the Live Action Role Playing, (LARP) club, a sophomore who is struggling

with legal blindness caused by overusing his video gaming systems, a transfer student who is in jeopardy of not graduating on time because she obviously is going to transfer yet again, and a senior who is rumored to have logged into his Mr. Skin pornography account more than any other member in North America.

The Pilot episode is said to follow freshmen girls to a Friday night frat party, during which they Tinder with St. Lawrence boys for the majority of the night while the fraternity brothers take body shots and lines of pre-workout off of their pledges. After the party, the girls wander to the bars on Market Street, where they

all get hit on by middle-aged, divorced fathers.

The next morning, the girls wear frumpy hoodies that feature a heinous combination of deep green and neon yellow to the sub-par Potsdam Bagelry.

The season finale has yet to be filmed, but insider sources believe it will feature a confused RA overhearing two male roommates who continually argue, “No, mine is definitely longer! Let’s get a ruler,” and, “Okay, yours may

PHOTO COURTESY OF ALEXA MITCHELL

be longer, but mine is definitely harder,” only for the RA to discover that the two gentlemen are comparing their authentic light sabers.

Expect to see commercials

for Consistently Ugly over the summer, and tune in to remind yourself that while sometimes Dana can be bummer, Clarkson will always and indefinitely still suck.

APRIL 1, 2016

FARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

THE HILL NEWS | 9

Behind the Red Picket Fences:

Mother McCree’s Uptown Jug Champions

By BRIDGET FLEMING COLUMNIST

PHOTO COURTESY OF ALEXA MITCHELL/ A&E EDITOR

Increased Netflix and Chilling Causes Age Restriction Law

By KATIE PIERCE CHIEF COPY EDITOR A pandemic is sweeping the nation. The silent killer, Netflix and Chill, is becoming a serious problem. The corporation has been keeping quiet for some time now.

Parents are sending in thousands of complaints each day begging Netflix to do something about it.

Innocent kids are being swept up in the age-old trap of, “Do you want to come over and watch some Netflix?” And yet, nothing has been done to protect our future generation. That was, however, until the founder and CEO of Netflix had his own daughter fall into this trap.

After a complete fit of rage, he has demanded an age requirement be implemented immediately on all Netflix accounts throughout America. Ages 0-22 are no longer

allowed to stream shows on Netflix and there are plans to make sure this remains heavily regulated. A recent leak to the press outlined how this regulation will occur.

All devices capable of streaming Netflix will be equipped with an eye scanner to verify age before viewing occurs. No rumors have circulated yet as to what will happen when you are not of age, but it is safe to say the CEO of Netflix will not be messing around.

What will happen once you hit that magical age of 22? On your 22nd birthday, you will receive a package from Netflix. When opened, it will immediately begin playing T-Swift’s “22” and balloons will come out of the box. A mini cake will be inside along with a note that says, “Congratulations! You have successfully avoided Netflix and Chilling and have made it to a magical point in your life. Enjoy

your free reign over Netflix, but, as always, stream wisely.”

The new regulations have resulted in frustration and upset in colleges across the country. Many students are trying to lash back, upset that their game will now be affected by their inability to Netflix and Chill. University officials are having a hard time keeping the enraged students under control, but have not spoken any further on the issue.

So there you have it, Netflix is banned until you can relate to T-Swift’s “22.” You can kiss your days of Netflix and Chill good bye.

What comes next? Going back to “Let’s go to the movies and chill?” or “Lets watch the Disney Channel and chill?” Who knows, only time will tell. One thing is for certain though, parents can finally relax and move on to the next fun thing to take away from their kids.

Call me Barn.

Some years ago – never mind how long precisely – having little or no writing on my walls, and nothing in particular to interest me on stage, I thought I would sail about a little and see the watery part of the world.

It is a way I have of driving off the spleen and regulating the circulation.

Yes, this is that inanimate, quasi-garage, “homey glitter crib” you hang out in every Thursday or Friday night to listen to good music speaking. Please do not respond to this fact in alarm or panic; if anything, you should become keenly interested and put down that greasy hashbrown, as I have something to tell you that is a little, erm, shall we say, attention-grabbing.

Over the years, I have seen a lot of musicians totter on in and out of the Java scene, and there are rumors (which yes, I know about other than recklessly wasting time on Wikipedia) that some of these folks have become famous. You heard Dave Matthews played here in the ‘90s? That Bob Dylan came up to the North Country and rocked a gig at SLU? The first one, definitely true. The second, well, I will withhold from giving you an answer. Like Bob’s best songs suggest, all the best questions are left unanswered.

There is one fact that has never surfaced, however, that I am inclined to “let loose” only because it is too good.

So good, it is better than your

mom’s favorite flavor of Ben & Jerry’s.

That is right, I am talking about Jerry Garcia.

He came here in ’64 as part of a band called Mother McCree’s Uptown Jug Champions, the same guys that would change their name to the Warlocks, then to the Grateful Dead, the following year. They played here at the perfect time: before stardom, but right in the swing of their infamous configuring of the counter-cultural hippy dippy clocks.

Do you not believe me? How could I make this up? You think that jam bands just happened to become a staple of the venue “by chance”? Fat chance.

It was around this same time of year; lots of mud, lots of worms, some sunshine, but do not think there was not a hail storm on their radar too.

It was everything you could and can not expect from a Java show in the ‘60s, with a (Jerry) cherry on top.

Nudity? Partial. Juice? Kool.

Tie? Dye. It was like the Barn (me) was dipped in a vat of potion, and after that night I assumed the constant wearing of your favorite dead bear T-shirt, covered in brown paint and all.

This is no dupe, this is no lie; you all, impossibly, missed out on the legend before the map got let out.

In the spirit of what a folky dokey guitar player once said: “I know you won’t believe me, though it is the truth to tell. The living it is hard, but it suits me well.”

SLU Makes Dancing Change For Springfest Weekend

By THOMAS MATHIASEN MANAGING EDITOR Caution students! Looks like St. Lawrence is cracking down this year on Springfest.

In a memo leaked by a senior member of the school administration, it is evident that the Dean’s office and campus security will be strictly monitoring and stopping “any oversexualized or provocative dancing of any kind to all students.” In the memo, the administration cites “grinding, twerking, krumping, and daggering will be strictly prohibited and can stand as grounds for suspension or removal graduation privileges for seniors.” When asked to comment on the newly

implemented rules for the weekend, the Dean’s office justified their measures as “leaving room for the Holy Ghost.”

Furthermore, the school expressed concerned with the provocative nature of the music students listen to on campus and how that music leads to these oversexualized dancing.

“Music from Miley Cyrus and Selena Gomez lead students to lead impure and immoral lives,” said an administrator who wished to remain unnamed.

“It can be tempting for weak minded students to give into the sexual temptations especially combined with alcohol and a crowd mentality, but it is our hope that our students will hold their morals in high regards

come Springfest weekend.”

So what is a student to do?! Well, the Chaplain’s Office, the Health Center and administration has encouraged students to watch YouTube to find “appropriate” ways to dance. “A simple search of ‘1950’s dancing’ or ‘old school dancing’ will yield results that the school supports. “It is our hope that students will keep their hands and bodies to themselves and to dance as if their grandmother was watching,” said the Dean’s office. So kids, twist and shout to your heart’s content, channel your inner Charleston and get jiggy with it all you want to, but for the sake of our campus purity, keep the sexual dancing for marriage.

PHOTO COURTESY OF LOUIS J. FREDA III/ PAINTING ARTIST

S

ee this week’s art Senior class exhibition. Above, see a preview of a featured student’s piece on display in the Brush Gallery.

NEWS

10 | THE HILL NEWS

Animal Rights Activist Frees Vivarium Rodents

By KATIE BOYNTON GUEST WRITER

Late Monday evening a junior biology student broke into the vivarium in the basement of Johnson Hall of Science. This student, still unidentified by Safety and Security, subsequently took the cages, containing various species of mice and rats, outside onto the entrance path to Johnson and released the contents.

Security responded to a call at approximately 1 a.m. Tuesday by a student walking to Sykes. This caller reported seeing, “a ton of white mice running around” on the steps leading up towards Piskor. Animal Control services were called and an officer reported to the scene at approximately 3 a.m. At that time, however, due to the high quantity of animals released, the officer was unable to collect and restrain the majority of the rodents.

A reinforced team of Animal Control officers prepared to handle the situation later that morning. At around 7 a.m. several employees from Canton Animal Control and other surrounding divisions including Potsdam and Massena, gathered with nets to catch the released animals. Their efforts were mostly unproductive due to the period of time that had passed since the release, allowing for the wide dispersal of the once caged animals.

Multiple calls were made to Security Tuesday morning regarding the mice and rats. A student calling from Madill Hall reportedly found a, “huge white rat with beady red eyes” in the women’s bathroom located near the IT department.

Following this, at 10 a.m. an email

Saint: After widespread

advocacy efforts, Whitman Annex finally opens as a student residence hall. Ahh, room with a B-Lot view.

BRENDA WINN/NEWS EDITOR

One of the escaped rats posing with the note left in the vivarium.

was sent to the entire St. Lawrence campus informing the community about the animals’ release and warning students and faculty not to approach any rodents they might encounter.

While the identity of the student responsible is still unknown, this person’s motivation for the action is hard to misinterpret. A white piece of paper, with the words, “FIGHT ANIMAL TESTING” written on it, was found in one of the empty rooms of the vivarium.

The animals that were freed have been raised and used by various students and faculty members of departments such as Biology and Psychology for experimental research. It seems that the student responsible for the animals’ release felt the treatment of the rodents was unethical. How this person gained access to the vivarium is still unknown, although it is clear that no force was necessary to enter.

The reaction of the community

to this event has been widely varied.

While there are some students who have shown support for the activist’s decision to free the mice and rats, others argue that it was simply wasteful and has been damaging to the school. Kelsey Card ‘17 commented that while she empathizes with the anonymous activist, the decision “doesn’t make sense…because they are only going to be replaced.” Card is correct in saying that the animals will be replaced shortly. Orders have been made by the Biology department for new breeds of testing rodents that will take the places of the ones freed Monday evening. Additionally, Ecology professor Brad Baldwin speculates that the rodents released will most likely die off within a couple weeks to a few years since they are poorly adapted to the climate of the North Country. It seems that one student’s attempt to make St. Lawrence university ‘cagefree’ has been unsuccessful.

APRIL 1, 2016 SL(UBER) FROM PAGE 1

business model. This is known as “Uberification.” Yes, we are copycats.

“Coming back from being in D.C. and taking Ubers all the time for eight months, I just really missed it. Uber and I built such a strong friendship,” Hill News Managing Editor Tom Mathiasen says. “This is a great investment for the town to be making. I just already feel more safe and secure with SLUber here.”

Many late-night munchers are also thrilled with SLUber’s arrival to the Canton area.

“I just craveeee Stewarts at like 11:00 p.m.” Abbey McRae ‘16 says. “But you know, I’m chilling in my bed and I’m thinking…

Saint: Pub reopens beloved call- Saint: in order service! Dial 315-229-5383 for assistance.

Medicinal Marijuana storefront set to open in Brewer Bookstore, Java house rejoices.

BRENDA WINN/NEWS EDITOR

Purgatory: Atwood Hall

Purgatory: Egg whites

finally annexed from SLU shortage is officially over! campus...will anyone even There’s still no poached notice? though...

Purgatory: Tick Tock

enacts new 21+ policy to favor SWUGs. Sorry freshmen, better order some new fakes.

Emily Liebelt ‘16 enjoying her Strips of Fire delivered to her room.

PUB DELIVERY FROM PAGE 1

Sinner:

Sinner: Dana declares

Sinner:

myself with the eventual satisfaction of a large, Hot Tamale burrito post-dancing my heart out, I will instead allow my cravings to be fulfilled by some mozzarella sticks with a side broccoli, delivered by our very own Pub. But why stop there? If I’m not venturing out of my room post11 p.m., why should I ever leave at all? The next step for me will certainly be clamoring for some

TRUMP FROM PAGE 1

gone to a different undergraduate institution – like SLU – the country would absolutely not be facing the possibility of having an orange, Cheeto dust colored presidential candidate.

Clarkson does boast a number of notable alumni, ranging from NHL hockey players to a Miss America runner-up. However, Trump is not listed on any website as being an alum, nor has the university ever publicly acknowledged his graduate status.

Trump attended Clarkson for four years between 1964 and 1968. Alexa Mitchell ‘16, following the time honored tradition of SLU v. Clarkson rivalry, revealed that she feels that

this is where Trump turned back.

“College are the most formative years of our lives,” she says. “Clearly, Clarkson and the environment of their campus are what planted initial seeds of idiocrasy in Trump.”

When asked to talk about Trump as a student in class, not one of his former professors agreed to give a statement. The university did release an old photograph of Trump’s 1968 commencement, as seen on the front page. “Looking at the photo, they should have known that he was going to turn out to be trouble,” said John Doe, an impartial party. “I don’t know anything about the SLU v. Clarkson rivalry, but based on this one picture, I can tell you that if

anyone at Clarkson had half a brain, they would not have allowed Trump to graduate and go into the world.”

The news has also spurred many discussions between Clarkson professors. They are concerned that they are somehow, unknowingly, breeding a whole new generation of “Trumps.” Administrators and a new emergency task force have been in meetings all week trying to put a plan into action in an effort to stop producing more Clarkson grads like Trump. Their official press release stated that “The bottom line is the main goal is to be more like St. Lawrence. We want Clarkson graduates to be as highly regarded and respected as SLU grads, and with enough

Chapel burns down twice in three years? That’s got to be rough for the insurance policy.

to show, Clarkson hid all previous relations with him.

While he attended Clarkson, old classmates recall that he was “nothing special” and “seemed to blend into the crowds.” Cruella Deville, Clarkson class of 1968, remembered that he would never attend hockey games at Cheel Arena, not even the SLU v. Clarkson games. “Looking back, I should have known then that he was not a good guy,” she said. “I didn’t realize it until now, but Clarkson is what turned him into the monster he is today.” Clarkson does not only produce “Trump” style alum, but he said that if Trump had

there is no way I am driving two minutes down the road for cookie dough ice cream. Let me just….call SLUber!”

Wow, SLUber is killing it already within its first week on the market.

Even professors love SLUber.

“I live right in town, only a short distance from campus,” Professor Juraj Kittler says.

“SLUber is great for those nights when I get home and realize that I forgot to do something back on campus and I need to swing over there quickly.”

Unlike Jared Sharza’s previous attempt in 2013 to offer Ticker rides via his own car, SLUber is much more reliable and here to stay. Download the app now and get a free SLUber trip, courtesy of The Hill News.

permanent meat and lactose-free zone. Veganism for all!

SLU signs new drycampus policy into effect; dump out those beers kids!

good ol’ online classes, the kind that allow me to engorge myself on a Dr. Feelgood at any hour of the day whilst twiddling my thumbs and watching New Girl in the comfort of my own dorm sweet dorm.

On a side note, I’m currently placing my order for my personal favorite Friday snack, white chicken chili, via delivery. You should too. help and change, maybe someday, they will be.”

When contacted, Trump refused to comment on this revelation. Clearly, he is feeling as much shame at being a former Golden Knight as Clarkson is about him being their alum.

While the shock of this news is making its way around, many people are sure to be skeptical to believe what they hear. “You can’t believe everything you read online or in print these days,” says on student.

However, go to Google and search “Donald Trump.” That picture in the first row that you see? Well, that sure looks like a signature Clarkson gold color tie.

Saints Sports

LATEST RESULTS

3/18 NCAAM Michigan State 87 Middle Tenn 49 3/20 NCAAM Xavier 77 Wisconsin 41 3/26 NCAAM Kansas 101 Villanova 34 3/27 NCAAM Virginia 88 Syracuse 71

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Another Scandal Breaks Through

Syracuse Men Disqualified from NCAA Tournament

Syracuse players will not travel to Houston for the Final Four.

BY LAUREN WEEKS SPORTS EDITOR The Syracuse Organge were the first 10-seed to ever reach the final four. But that was quickly taken away from them.

After thinking they were finally in the clear after the eightyear investigation, and multiple punishments to the program, the Syracuse men’s basketball team is facing what could potentially be the hardest disciplinary action a college sports team has ever seen.

Reports went out earlier this

week stating that long time head coach Jim Boeheim had in fact covered up even more accounts of academic dishonesty, and a substantial amount of extra benefits to the players currently playing on his final four team, resulting in disqualification and elimination from the 2016 tournament.

The orange were placed on probation last season and earlier this year after being punished for a “lack of institutional control” from the 2000-01 season through 201112.

They will lose twelve scholarships over the next four

PHOTO COURTESY OF ELITEDAILY

years, and Boeheim was given a nine-game suspension and docked 108 career wins, dropping him from number two to number six on the all-time wins list.

In addition, the school has to return all the money it earned through revenue sharing in the old Big East for three appearances in the NCAA Tournament from 2011-2013, over $1 million. There is also a fine of $500 per game played by each ineligible studentathlete. But what has just been discovered, is that it did not end in 2012.

Michael Gbinije, Trevor

Cooney and many others on the current Syracuse team were given preferential treatment in the classroom, as well as material items from Boeheim himself in an effort to persuade the players to attend Syracuse.

Cooney was allegedly given a private jet along with many other items to sway his decision on where to attend school. However, Boeheim believes he was not wrong for offering these incentives to the players. “I know for a fact that all college teams do this to win recruits. I was just playing the game and happened to get caught,” said Boeheim.

All the players being questioned denied these accusitions, but

investigators uncovered what might be the end of the Syracuse men’s basketball powerful reputation.

Avid ‘Cuse fan Nick Santaro ‘18, expressed his displeasure with the Syracuse program. “I grew up in Syracuse so I’ve been a fan my whole life. I thought this was their year, but I was proved wrong.

I am disgusted with Boeheim, and the entire Syracuse sports administration for letting things get this out of hand. They deserve everything they got.”

Fans should look to see Virginia face off against UNC tomorrow, as they were called back after their loss Sunday night. Game time will be around 9:00 p.m. Thanks for nothing, Syracuse.

Coach Jim Boeheim believes he did no wrong.

PHOTO COURTESY OF FOXSPORTS

Manning Follows in Favre’s Footsteps

Comes out of Retirement

Peyton announces he will return to the NFL

BY GRANT HAFFENDEN STAFF WRITER After being retired for a little less than a month, former

Indianapolis Colts and Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning has decided that he will return to play in his

PHOTO COURTESY OF MILEHIGHCARDCO

nineteenth NFL season.

After a career that saw Manning set the career record for both touchdown passes and passing yards, many expected the five-time NFL MVP to

retire after winning Super Bowl 50 last month. Experts pointed to how Manning had seemed to lose the ability to accurately complete deeper passes the past two seasons. Manning’s four neck surgeries were also cited as reasons why people saw it fitting for him to retire at the end of last season.

In a press conference this past week, Manning pointed towards a recent conversation with Hall of Fame quarterback Brett Favre as one of the reasons he decided to come back. “Talking with Brett made me realize that I still had some left in the tank,” Manning said. “I’m not sure which team I would like to go to, but I feel like I can help lead a team to the Super Bowl next season.”

Manning’s most recent team, the Denver Broncos, have a glaring need for a quarterback after their backup quarterback Brock Osweiler left in free agency for Houston. “We will

look into Peyton’s interest in returning to Denver,” said Broncos GM John Elway.

“Obviously, with losing Brock we have a need at the quarterback position, but we also will look at our other options as well.”

When asked if returning to Denver was on his mind, Manning said he would be open to the idea of coming back to the Mile High City. “Obviously what we had in Denver was special, I’m planning on talking to John in the next few days to see where they are,” said Manning.

It will be interesting to see what teams will go after the now 40-year old Manning. Expect to see teams such as the Los Angeles Rams, Broncos, and New York Jets, if they cannot resign Ryan Fitzpatrick, to go after Manning. He could provide these teams veteran leadership that could very well lead these teams to the playoffs.

Saints Sports

LATEST RESULTS

3/18 Men’s Lax vs.Duke W 12-4 3/18 Women’s Lax vs Syracuse W 18-3 3/20 Softball vs Oklahoma Sooners W 12-4 2/21 Baseball vs Tamba Bay Rays W 11-5

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Maple Leafs and Oilers

Set to Merge Next Season

PHOTO COURTESY OF ALONGTHEBOARDS

PHOTO COURTESY OF TORANTOSUN

BY ANDY CAMARRA STAFF WRITER According to multiple sources, the Toronto Maple Leafs and Edmonton Oilers agreed Monday to merge into one team.

Both General Managers saw this as an opportunity to build a better organization. After the 2014-2015 season, the future looked a little brighter for both teams.

The Maple Leafs hired Stanley Cup winning head coach Mike Babcock who stepped down as coach of the Detroit Red Wings.

The Oilers received the

Maple Leafs and Oilers set to merge next season.

number one pick in the NHL Draft this past June and got star forward Connor McDavid.

Although they have added key pieces to their respected organizations, the teams still take up the rear in the NHL standings. Toronto is in dead last while Edmonton is just one

spot above, not places the teams expected to be at the beginning of the season.

When asked, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman said it was a great idea. He believed that combining the two teams will create a high-flying machine that will give the fans

PHOTO COURTESY OF OILERS

more goals and more exciting action up and down the ice.

The teams plan to relocate in a central location, which has yet to be determined. The new name is also still up in the air, but the jerseys will have both a leaf and oil on them. Organization officials have decided that the

colors will be blue, orange, and black so the team can have one color from the teams before.

The mascot is still uncertain, but sources say it will be a wild animal, like a grizzly bear or mountain lion.

Players from either team declined to comment on the matter, but seemed pretty agitated when asked about the news. One Maple Leaf player even threw a trash can in the locker room when a reporter first told him about the merge.

All in all this seems to be a piece of something bigger for the NHL and Commissioner Bettman.

herewegosaints

Changes to Athlete Account Exclusively McDonough leads the pack to the team sleepover.

PHOTO COURTESY OF UNIVERSITY COMMUNICATIONS

SLU Football Enjoying Every Minute of Busy Offseason

BY TRAVIS HAMRE STAFF WRITER

The St. Lawrence University football players are riding high this off-season after winning the Liberty League Championship.

The players have been busy with multiple different team bonding and training activities.

When they oome back, players are hoping that they can make it further in the NCAA tournament.

“I really think we have figured out how to adjust our play and behavior on and off the field to have a great upcoming season.

The team has been really hard at work. The bonding we have shared as a team at many team sleepovers has really brought us closer,” stated one captain.

Team sleepovers are a favorite of the team. Giving pedicures, watching movies, and gossiping are some cherished activities.

A few film favorites of the team include “13 Going On 30” and “The Notebook.” “I love the spontaneous pillow fights we have sometimes. Our team can be so silly sometimes. The lineman especially love participating in wet t-shirt contests,” reminisced the star running back. “The team has really come closer, especially when we open up and share our feelings to each other over a nice glass of wine.” The team also enjoys taking constant selfies, and the verdict is still out on whether the best photo has been the team jumping up in the air at the same time or the BFF star formed with their fingers together. The field trips to go shopping at the Watertown mall have also been a valuable team bonding experience.

The offseason of course is not all fun and games. Many serious weight lifting and toilet

training sessions have helped the team improve day after day.

“This off-season we have really focused on peeing into the toilet.

The janitors have come in for slideshow training sessions in order to prevent excessive floor pee. Teaching everyone to put the seat up was a struggle for a while.

For the few who have not reached the more advanced levels of training, they are encouraged to pee sitting down. Cleaning and daily hygiene sessions have also been very helpful educational experiences,” the captains explained.

There have also been mandatory training sessions on how to quietly close doors and talk at a normal volume. The locker room now displays the new team motto: “Just because you are physically stronger than everyone else doesn’t mean you have to act like it every second of the day.”

SLU MASCOT Open Tryouts

Qualifications: 2 years mascot experience When: Monday April 4th 5:00 p.m.

Where: Student Center Room 305 B.Y.O.C. (Bring your own costume)