LIFE’S UNDERTAKINGS

BRAD JONES

Owner, Ridley Funeral Home

Whenever holidays come around, I look to my wife for leadership.

She knows whom to invite, whom to avoid, what to buy, where we’re going and when to roast turkeys. My contribution to annual family festivities range from playing chauffeur to personal shopper to private cheerleader to professional family mediator.

Although my family duties are important – and I try really, really hard to do a great job – I realize I am not super essential to my wife’s dictatorship. I know I am absolutely 100% replaceable, and that’s totally okay – for reals, as the kids say.

These harsh family realities inspire me to be the best I can be.

Every season, whether it’s Thanksgiving, Christmas or our wedding anniversary, I know I have an opportunity to really step up and stay out of my wife’s way. Who am I to stand in the way of progress as my wife launches another expert holiday campaign that delivers freedom from boredom, relaxation and responsible eating?

We have six children, ranging in ages from 11 to 27, and each and every kid knows in the marrow of their bones that their mother is the boss. If I were a star in my family (I wish!), my wife would be the sun; the brightest and warmest light source in our household no matter what war might rage There are days, Thanksgiving weekend and the 12 days of Christmas come to mind, when family gatherings approach a Herculean-style war effort on all fronts. Every child (and me) is assigned a work detail with clear objectives, challenges and a non-negotiable “no excuses” clause.

I simply cannot imagine the absence of my wife’s leadership and the horror show that would ensue if all the goodies and delights she brings to our table, tree and troubles suddenly vanished.

Perhaps that’s why I have always held such a tender and fragile place in my heart for widowers. Men, whether young or elderly, strong or frail, are often lost spinning in darkness when their partner dies. I see the same when a single young man loses his mother.

Women possess a strength of character that brings light to dark places. As I’ve grown up and (I hope) have grown wiser and kinder, more secure in my abilities and less judgmental of my flaws, I’ve come to embrace how the majority of women and girls express themselves in ways that educate, inspire and ennoble others.

Men have a habit of seeing war (problems) and polarity while women shine light on the tributaries leading to peace and unity.

I refuse to self-identify as a “feminist” since so many terrible men have professed the same and proven otherwise. (Yes, Justin, I am looking at you.) I need only look at the young woman managing our funeral home to know my two daughters and four sons see female strength reflected not just in their mother but within our family business too.

Our family planet would actually stop spinning if my wife of 29 years announced she wanted off the merry-go-round called family gatherings.

And our funeral home would lose something special if one of our staff, whether male or female, turned off the qualities so often attributed to women and girls: sweet, soft, compassionate, caring, loyal and loving.

If you’re groaning right now, me too. Men obviously possess these same peace-loving traits. What I find fascinating is when women go beyond a traditional role or grow a new set of characteristics, a lot of us panic.

Look no further than Canadian women joining the full-time, paid workforce during WWII. Etobicoke has a strong and proud wartime history that includes frontlines, factory lines and farmlands, and women played an important and generally overlooked role in each wartime sphere.

Long Branch war-working grandmothers showcase the Sten guns they helped manufacture. By 1944 more than 1 million Canadian women were helping the war effort by working full-time. Another 800,000 women, with and without pay, were responsible for farming.

CREDIT: Toronto Star Photograph Archive, Courtesy of Toronto Public Library (June 5th, 1943)

This Remembrance Day my wife and I plan on wandering into Colonel Samuel Smith Park, which is across from our funeral home, so we can pay our respects at the newly relocated Eighth Street Cenotaph.

This “empty tomb” sat outside the local Royal Canadian Legion Branch 3 for more than 30 years honouring “our glorious dead” sacrificed in two World Wars, the Korean War and Afghanistan.

Despite being an undertaker and lifelong supporter of our Canadian Armed Forces, I see nothing particularly “glorious” about death. However, I am regularly inspired by how the bereaved seek meaning from their suffering while simultaneously growing braver, more compassionate and empathetic toward this conundrum called Life.

War and peace. Polarity and unity. Birth and death. Bad times, good times. Fear and joy. Men and women.

We really are in this, the circle of life, together. And it’s appropriate that Earth is always considered feminine: our Mother Gaia.

Move the letters in “earth” around and you’ll discover the word “heart.” Women, during peacetime and times of war, have traditionally been referred to as the heart of the household or an angel in the house. Obviously I am not venerating the role of the housewife in a dated or chauvinistic way. Instead, I look at the feminine as an attribute within each of us that’s always inviting us to deepen and soften our thoughts, words and deeds.

Perhaps if all 8 billion residents on Planet Earth (Planet Heart) practised more “women’s work” in our personal, professional and civic lives, peace, unity and harmony could be served at every family table irrespective of which leader is running the show.

Brad Jones is president of locally-owned, commission-free Ridley Funeral Home (3080 Lakeshore Boulevard) in Etobicoke. Join your community this Remembrance Day as we honour veterans of the past and present. This year’s November 11 th service is at Colonel Samuel Smith Park in front of the newly relocated Eighth Street Cenotaph. Brad can be reached at 416259-3705 or by emailing Bradjones@ridleyfuneralhome.com . Please know that every individual, every family is welcome to gather and grieve at our funeral home.