The Gateway Magazine - February 2019 by The Gateway

THE LOVE & SEX ISSUE

Published since Nov. 21, 1910 Circulation: 3,500 ISSN 0845-356X Suite 3-04 8900 114 St. NW University of Alberta Edmonton, Alberta T6G 2J7 Advertising www.f-media.ca

FEBRUARY 2019

Editor-in-Chief Arts & Culture Editor Oumar Salifou Jonah Dunch Managing Editor Sofia Osborne

Opinion Editor Andrew McWhinney

Art Director Staff Reporters Jessica Tang Adam Lachacz Kate Turner Photo Editor Richard Bagan Director of Finance & Administration Online Editor Lukas Adomonis Victoria Chiu Webmaster News Editor Papa Gyeke-Lartey Nathan Fung

GSJS The Gateway is published by the Gateway Student Journalism Society (GSJS), a student-run, autonomous, apolitical not-for-profit organization, operated in accordance with the Societies Act of Alberta. Copyright All materials appearing in The Gateway bear copyright of their creator(s) and may not be used without written consent.

ILLUSTRATION CHRISTINA ZHU “LOVE BEHIND THE FOG”

DEAR READER, As much as The Gateway has been a home for “Serious Journalism,” it has also always been a bit depraved too, and we like it that way. From our satirical sister The Getaway to our annual purity test, we’ve printed bedazzled penises and asked you whether you’ve ever 69’d. But with our recent switch from a newspaper to a magazine, sometimes it feels like we have less space to be our silliest selves. We hope this love and sex issue helps fill that hole. In these pages you can read about finding love in university and exploring social issues in Young Adult novels. But you can also read erotic GUBAxPatches fanfiction, learn about squirrel sex, and, of course, take the Purity Test. To us, love and sex is deep and meaningful and also funny and messy and awful. We’ve tried to find that balance. g Love, Jessica Tang Sofia Osborne Art Director Managing Editor

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CONTENTS ILLUSTRATION SHELLEY TIAN

NOTES

REQUIRED READING

Squirrel Sex 101

It’s Not U(ni), It’s Me

Learn about the mating habits of the North American Red Squirrel.

Try casual dating in university, or don’t, it’s up to you.

The New Romantics

LOVE SCENE

Love as Rich as Gold

Find out how an Edmontonian duo writes their love songs.

Walk in on something intimate.

Read this erotic GUBAxPatches oneshot and weep.

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Metro Cinema is a community-based non-profit society devoted to the exhibition and promotion of Canadian, international, and independent film and video.

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Vox Lux

February 1 - 7

Vox Lux follows the rise of Celeste from the ashes of a major national tragedy to pop super stardom. The film spans 18 years and traces important cultural moments through her eyes, starting in 1999 and concluding in 2017.

tune in stream online volunteer

Black History Month

BlacKkKlansman - FEB 2 @ 6:30PM Milford Graves Full Mantis - FEB 5 @ 7PM Daughters of the Dust - FEB 7 @ 6:45PM Sweet Sweetback’s Baadasssss Song - FEB 16 @ MIDNITE Malcolm X - FEB 21 @ 7PM Krush Groove - FEB 28 @ 7PM

Never-Ending Man: Hayao Miyazaki

FEB 18 @ 3PM, FEB 25 @ 7PM

In 2013, Academy Award-winning film director and animator Hayao Miyazaki announced his retirement at the age of 72. He couldn’t shake his burning desire to create however, and after an encounter with young CGI animators, Miyazaki embarked on a new project to utilize CGI for the first time ever.

Metro Cinema at the Garneau 4 |Street GTWY.CA 8712-109 | metrocinema.org

Metro Cinema receives ongoing support from these Arts Funders:

Never-Ending Man: Hayao Miyazaki

FEB 18 @ 3PM, FEB 25 @ 7PM

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Metro Cinema receives ongoing support from these Arts Funders:

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Reading Change

The Purity Test

Get political with YA novels.

Take this test to find out whether youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re naughty or nice. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Gateway tradition, and itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s The Office (US) themed!

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DIVERSIONS

Horoscopes

Crossword

Comics

Discover which sex position you should try based on your sign.

Test your knowledge of all things love and sex.

Explore the trials and tribulations of true love.

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Ft 9Â&#x2039; YÂ&#x2039;R 3WEETHEfT 8*5) 163$)"4& 0' '3".&

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FEBRUARY 2019 | 5

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CONTRIBUTORS PHOTO RICHARD BAGAN

PIA CO

OLIVIA REDMOND

“It’s Not U(ni), It’s Me” Pia is a fourth-year criminology student. When Pluto lost its planet status in 2006, she forced everyone in her fourth grade class to host a tearful funeral for the Milky Way’s ex-smallest planet. As an adult, she’s learning you shouldn’t be afraid to be the sun.

“Love Scene” & horoscopes and crossword Olivia is a fourth-year art history student who spent way, way too much time on the sex tips part of Cosmopolitan’s website for this issue. She also enjoys long walks on the Accidental Beach and judging people by their astrological chart.

NINA LEGESSE “The New Romantics” Nina majors in English and minors in flicks and TV. In her fourth and final year, she has befriended the ghost in Rutherford North and learned that Bar None is not a protest against drinking establishments. Her piece is dedicated to the woman who raised her and showed her the power of love: Celine Dion.

DANIELLE MCBETH “It’s Not U(ni), It’s Me” illustration Danielle is a fifth-year student in the design program with a focus on visual communication design and sociology. Her illustration for this issue parodies Tinder by turning its constant search for partners into an offline phenomenon.

KATHY MILANOWSKI “Squirrel Sex 101” illustration Kat is a fourth-year visual communication design student. She is passionate about social and sustainable design, including storytelling and illustration. But most importantly, she’s got an overwhelming love for dogs and hockey.

NICOLAS LARA Purity test illustrations Nicolas is a fourth-year bachelor of design student. His work focuses on multimedia and the application of art in the digital space. In his spare time, Nicolas can be found woodworking, hunting, or reading harlequin romance novels.

HANNAH STUPARYK Horoscopes and crossword Hannah is in her fourth year of a never-ending arts degree majoring in English and German. She was raised by a Cancer and a Leo, which explains a lot.

SHELLEY TIAN Contributors illustration Shelley is a fifth-year computing science student. She says that to make a good pun, you just have to wing it.

ALEXANDER VINCENT Purity test illustrations & “Love At First Spite” Alexander is a fourth-year fine arts student. His comic for this issue is inspired by true love, no matter how frustrating it can be.

HELEN ZHOU Purity test illustrations Helen is a fourth-year art and design major. Her interests include illustration and video games. With her piece for this issue, she hopes to capture the subtle gestures in The Office’s genius acting.

CHRISTINA ZHU “Love Behind the Fog” Christina is a fourth-year design student on exchange from Germany. Her pieces combine subtle visual messages with mystic atmospheres. She loves comics, the beauty of melancholy, and dumplings. g

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NOTES

Squirrel Sex

101 Everyone at the University of Alberta has seen, heard, or been chased by a squirrel on campus. They’re North American Red Squirrels (Tamiasciurus hudsonicus), and it’s only through intensive monitoring of these squirrels that researchers can learn more about their habits. Amanda Kelley, the teaching lab coordinator in the department of renewable resources, did her master’s degree working with the Kluane Red Squirrel Project, an interdisciplinary and inter-university project that’s been going on for almost 30 years. The Gateway talked to Kelley to learn more about the private lives of our campus friends in the trees. The Gateway: When do squirrels reach sexual maturity? Kelley: They’ll reach sexual maturity within their first year, so squirrels are born in the wintertime and by the following winter season they’re ready to mate. How do they choose their mating partners? That’s actually a really interesting question. North American Red Squirrels are one of the most promiscuous squirrel species. They breed in mid-January through to mid-March and they have a scramble mating system: the female is fertile for just one day a year, and on that day several males in the area will come

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TEXT KATE TURNER ILLUSTRATION KATHY MILANOWSKI

Everything you ever wanted to know about our campus neighbours.

and visit and try to mate with her. She’ll mate with, on average, six males during that one day and she’ll have sex, on average, 22 times. Each copulation lasts less than a minute, so she’ll have, in a year, about 22 minutes of sex all in one day. So each squirrel has its own day that they’re fertile? That’s right. They’re not synchronized, so the males have opportunities to travel around in their area and see when different females are going into estrus. So, both males and females mate with multiple partners. They don’t mate for life or have a specific partner? No, just that one day. Red Squirrels are very territorial, and they are asocial. So, you may have seen a squirrel on campus barking at you, running up and making sounds, such as a rattling sound. Those kinds of vocalizations are territorial vocalizations. So each squirrel has its own little area of the forest, and it protects that area all year round — except for females on that one day when they allow other males to visit them on their territory. The only real social interactions that Red Squirrels have are the mothers caring for their offspring, and then sex. So they are very asocial for a mammal.

NOTES

Is any of the noise that the squirrels make related to mating or are they all more territorial? They do have a mating call. The males, when they’re chasing the females around, will make a buzzing noise. It really sounds like a bee. A lot of the time when you see squirrels chasing each other on campus, it’s a territorial chase. But if you hear the buzz, then you know that it’s a mating chase. How long are squirrels pregnant for? And then how long do they care for their offspring after that? Gestation is about 35 days. The young will stay in the nest until they’re about 40 days old. After that, they’ll start venturing out onto the branches, learning how

to be a squirrel — that sort of thing. They’ll live in their mom’s territory until they’re maybe 90 to 100 days old and then they will venture off and try to find their own little slice of the forest to call home. You can see nests on campus that are kind of spherical, up in the trees. A squirrel nest is called a drey and they’re made out of grass and mosses and other materials they can find. They can also have nests underground though, so you’ll notice on campus in some areas under conifer trees there will be holes in the ground and there will be parts of spruce cones scattered on the ground. That’s their food cache, so they keep the cones under the ground, and then when they eat the cone, they’ll discard the outside parts. g

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NOTES

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IT’S NOT U(NI), IT’S ME.

NOTES

WHAT I WISH I’D KNOWN ABOUT LOVE, SEX, AND UNIVERSITY. TEXT PIA CO ILLUSTRATION DANIELLE MCBETH

Fresh out of a messy break-up with my high school sweetheart, I entered university with a mission: Operation “Thank U, Next.” A unique opportunity arises when you enter your first year of university. You can throw the person you once were right into the abyss. You can reinvent yourself entirely: try styles that you weren’t confident you could actually pull off, meet new people, and run with different crowds. Most importantly, you can give yourself over to a new obsession and start exploring something that is central to your newfound adulthood. For some people, that looks like enjoying the wonders of a cheap 12-pack of AGD or clubbing at Beercade (ugh). Not for me. After my break-up, I became fixated on the idea that I was finally going to fall in big, real adult love. I would be able to explore the pleasure of sex and sexuality with someone (or someones). From making out with strangers in dingy bar bathrooms to going on one date with someone and deciding “It’s a no from me,” there’s a freeing anonymity in university. You can have encounters with people you’ll never have to see again. In my mind, there was no sweeter release from the end of an important relationship than to experience a thousand new and interesting relationships. Or so I thought. There’s a pervasive societal narrative that in order for life to have meaning, you have to have a romantic partner or an interest in love. There’s this emphasis on the singularity of it all — that if you love somebody, and they love you, you have an undeniable purpose to life. With

sex, there’s a sentiment that everyone ought to want it, and those who obtain the most sex “win.” University is unfortunately not free from either narrative. In fact, it can often exacerbate both. Have people ever suggested to you that maybe you just need to get laid in order to deal with a stressor in your life? Has your self-esteem ever been incredibly tied to the fact that every one of your friends is in a relationship and you aren’t? Have you ever been made fun of for not caring about love and sex? Even if you haven’t been the direct target of such comments, you probably know a friend who’s had these things happen to them. Maybe you’re the person unwittingly pushing this narrative onto others. Honestly, for a really long time, I was all of these people. A friend once described the university dating pool to me as a buffet; there’s a little something for everyone. You could go for the guy in your political science class who rolls his own cigarettes, or the girl in your women’s and gender studies class with the rose-pink hair and the septum piercing. Maybe the right person is the guy you see every Monday at the rowing machines in Van Vliet, or the girl who’s always sitting by the fire in SUB. Perhaps your soulmate might even be found in the 43 Tinder messages you’ve left unanswered. With so many options, it seems impossible not to find somebody you click with. But what everyone fails to acknowledge is just how draining and exhausting the search for that “somebody” is. Bad dates, sleepless nights, dramatic fallouts, ghosting, and loneliness come part and

parcel with the anonymity and potential for newness of casual dating. I’m nearing the end of my university career now, and I have some advice for the people who are trying the whole love and sex exploration thing and starting to realize it isn’t making them happy: it’s alright. You really, really don’t have to do this. Stop wasting your time, money, and happiness on a pursuit that isn’t working for you right now. I’ve found some of the most meaningful love I’ve felt in university sitting in Rutherford, absorbed in a book by David Hume. I’ve found love in sharing yet another UNI-code Domino’s pizza order with a group of equally-screwed friends studying for an exam; in drunken karaoke at RATT, specifically during Michael Jackson’s “Want You Back;” in learning how to argue at debate club. To be clear, I’m not suggesting that a cheap pizza is directly comparable to a great dick appointment, nor could a book by David Hume ever replace that fuzzy-sweet feeling of finding your special someone. What I’m saying is that love and dopamine can come in all sorts of ways. There is such a multiplicity of places to discover love and experience pleasure in university, so don’t sweat missing out on your “one true love,” and don’t worry about the pressure to want or have consistent sex. In university, the only big, real adult love you need to focus on finding, and the only person you really need to focus on giving pleasure — is you. g

FEBRUARY 2019 | 11

REQUIRED READING

THE NEW ROMANTICS TEXT NINA LEGESSE PHOTO RICHARD BAGAN

HOW BABY JEY FOUND THEIR SOUND. Sparks flew for Baby Jey when the band sold out its very first show in May 2017. The Edmontonian duo made it a cozy one, complete with a rug and recliner chair onstage for a laid-back, living-room feel, which was not unusual for a group who likes to perform in cowboy costumes with beers in hand. The brainchild of musicians Jeremy Witten (lead vocals, guitar, and keyboard) and Dean Kheroufi (bass and backing vocals), Baby Jey enjoyed positive reception for its debut album, Best Wishes, before touring Canada and the United States. I called Witten at the pair’s new home in New York City, where he’s working on a master’s in history at The New School. Against muffled chatter in the background, Witten welcomed me into his musical world for a chat about sounds, passions, and sewer rats. Under the moniker Jey Witten, the U of A music grad had released two solo albums since 2013, while Kheroufi was playing bass for several local Edmonton bands, including The Velveteins and Jesse and the Dandelions. When they found their way to each other, a few jam sessions burgeoned into something more: the birth of Baby Jey. After months of leafing through Witten’s extensive song collection — he wrote over 80 in one year — the band unveiled its adventurous sophomore album Someday Cowboy

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on October 4, 2018. Its distinct style came from Baby Jey’s love for old country music and a desire to take it somewhere new. Clean acoustic guitar and piano are layered between diverse instrumental textures and complex chord progressions, while a lap steel guitar weaves through each song to accent the album with flecks of country sound. “It has a country flavour,” Witten explains, “but we couldn’t get on country radio if we tried.” Witten and Kheroufi play alongside a rotating cast of musicians, but the heart of Baby Jey lies in the duo’s bond. “We both have really similar tastes in music,” Witten says. “We also like to nerd out about music theory and cool melodies and chord changes.” Both avid listeners of instrumental jazz and folk, Witten and Kheroufi experiment with unlikely combinations of influences. However, as much as they value learned musicianship, making art accessible still matters. “[Kheroufi] is really into interesting music... but can also appreciate the value of a simple, straightforward folk song,” Witten says. “It’s cool to find someone who has both sides.” In concerts, Witten croons at centre stage and jokes around with the crowd, but he admits he’s too “all over the place” to lead the band. It’s Kheroufi’s diligence that keeps them sounding crisp. He masters and memorizes all the

REQUIRED READING

Baby Jey at the Empress Ale House in Edmonton

instrumental parts to make sure the whole group is in sync. I got the impression that behind this harmonious partnership, a solid friendship has formed. “He’s also just a super nice, easy-going guy,” Witten says. Living together in NYC, he and Kheroufi continue to play shows and craft their next record. This change of environment stimulates their work, but perhaps not in the way you would expect. “Whatever you see in those ’90s rom-com movies, they’re 100 per cent of the time just showing you Manhattan and Times Square,” Witten says. But his experiences in the concrete jungle just aren’t that romantic. “On my way home, I will more often than not see a rat,” he adds. “It doesn’t always smell good. But you can still kind of romanticize that.” Who can romanticize better than a poet? While writing some of Someday Cowboy’s songs, Witten developed an interest in imagist poetry. In this style, concrete imagery written with precise language is key. “I think that has an influence on the kind of love language in some of the romantic ballads [on the album],” Witten says. But don’t mistake the poetics for elitism. Baby Jey’s moody sound and lyrics convey ideas we can all digest.

Witten highlights the band’s song “Hundred Percent,” a romantic confession suffused with sentimentality, as an example of how love songs can rise above clichés. “‘Hundred Percent’ was a really simple idea, but I couldn’t think of a song that said ‘I love you 100 per cent,’” Witten says. “It’s a really simple way of framing something in a new light. That’s the trick.” He credits Mitch Holtby, who produced Someday Cowboy, for orchestrating a “classic feel” for the more romantic songs. It’s crucial work — the slightest adjustments in post-production can turn a jam into a classic, which is how songs like “Bernice Kentner” can give you warm fuzzies like you’re reliving Christmas mornings in your childhood home. Someday Cowboy ends with what Baby Jey calls the “Farewell Suite,” made up of three tracks about lovers saying goodbye. This finale tours the stages of grief: denial (“Teach Me 2 Forget”), anger and bargaining (“Every Thing”), and finally, peaceful acceptance (“I Accept”). If there’s anything we can learn from Someday Cowboy, it’s to stay hopeful. The album leans toward cynicism after a few songs, surely resonating with weary-hearted young adults everywhere; but with the “Farewell Suite,” Baby Jey suggests we can move on to find greater love.“Those naïve and nostalgic things that you think about love when you’re young, they’re not completely artificial or incorrect,” Witten says. “You don’t need to be dismissive of hope.” g FEBRUARY 2019 | 13

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READING CHANGE

TEXT SOFIA OSBORNE PHOTO RICHARD BAGAN

How Young Adult novels are giving teenage girls the voice they deserve.

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I’ve always loved YA novels. They’ve always felt like they were written just for me. I could see myself in the protagonists and hope for a world in which things were clearly right and wrong, where the good girl always got the guy, and where there was always a light at the end of the tunnel. But in some ways, I couldn’t see myself in those girls. They were all white, thin, and beautiful when they took their glasses off. They never seemed too concerned with sexism or racism, and the problems they faced could always be neatly wrapped up in 200 pages. Novels for teenage girls have always been a site of exploration. Usually, their themes are personal: the young protagonists struggle with family drama, bullying, and

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characters, and that sends a message to young women that their inner lives are complex and worthy of exploration. What these novels have largely failed to do, however, is impress on teenage girls that they have the power to make change beyond the personal. Ignoring the political in YA does a disservice to its readers: girls who often deal with racism, sexism, and other discrimination on top of the messiness of being a teenager. It’s becoming increasingly obvious that the stories we often tell about teenage girls — and the ones we think they’ll be interested in — sell these girls’ potential and power short. It is, in fact, possible to have a crush on the new guy in class while also fighting sexism at your school. It’s possible to be an active member of the Black Lives Matter movement and at the same time be worrying about when you and your boyfriend will have sex. That’s reality for girls. We contain multitudes. The lack of political engagement in classic YA romance novels reflects how teenage girls have been told to behave: that their hormones and inexperience and gender mean they should devote the entirety of their brain power to planning for prom and thinking about their first kiss. Those things are important too, but the lives of teenage girls are shaped by the systems around them. They, as much as anyone else in this world, want to create change, and they’re well positioned to do so. What they need are stories that show them the way, because words and narratives have the power to create new realities for us to aspire to and work towards. There are YA novels now that are doing work that is explicitly and implicitly political. They are telling stories that I would have found world-changing as a 14-year-old and still find inspiring as a 21-year-old.

even abuse and the death of loved ones, although these themes are often shoehorned in around a romance that takes centre stage. These personal struggles are important, but novels like this have typically shied away from the political. The main characters feel less like a part of a larger system than girls coming of age in a vacuum. Growing up isn’t all puberty and high school drama. It’s also about coming to an understanding of how the world works: how cruel it can be, how unfair and unjust, especially for young women. An amazing thing about the Young Adult (YA) genre is that it often centres the experiences of girls. More than in any other genre, YA novels feature heroines as their main

One of these novels is 2017’s Moxie by Jennifer Mathieu, which tells the story of a girl who starts a feminist zine highlighting the misogyny at her high school. But the examples of sexism that Moxie’s protagonist Vivian Carter endures and pushes back against also feel universal — double standards, sexual harassment, and unfair power structures are examined on the hyper-local level, but we know they are emblematic of the sexism young women will continue to experience as they enter the “real world.” What Mathieu does particularly well is blend the tropes of YA romance with these political issues. At the outset of the novel, a new boy, Seth, moves to Viv’s smalltown Texas high school and quickly becomes intrigued by her. Mathieu doesn’t shy away from this romance — Seth becomes a male ally, an example of how boys can support girls. At the same time, he isn’t unrealistically perfect and struggles to understand what his role is as a guy in the feminist movement.

FEBRUARY 2019 | 15

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Mathieu also fractures Viv’s high school in a predictable way. There are the typical cliques — jocks and popular girls and unassuming nice girls like Viv herself — but these labels are always more than they seem. The football players are more sinister, their entitlement more dangerous, the repercussions of their actions more far-reaching. The popular girls surprise you, and the unassuming girls become the most outspoken. In Moxie, cliques of girls band together across racial and popularity lines to amplify each other’s voices and push for justice. Along the way, Mathieu highlights conversations around feminism that feel real — some girls proudly wear the feminist label while others shy away from the controversy surrounding it. Importantly, there are girls of colour in the novel who question the lack of intersectional understanding that has plagued the feminist movement, and who become leaders at their school. Ultimately, Moxie’s lesson is one of speaking up without drowning others out. I came out of reading it with the feeling that things can change, and with the overwhelming urge to make my own feminist zine. Another recent YA novel that left me similarly inspired is Julie Murphy’s Dumplin’, which was published in 2015 and has just been turned into a Netflix movie. Dumplin’ follows Willowdean Dixon, a plus-size girl (also in Texas) who enters a beauty pageant to prove she can. Willowdean’s story is not a weight-loss journey; it’s about how the quest for perfection that all women are expected to relentlessly pursue is a mirage — that by comparing ourselves to each other, nobody wins. As a character, Will (as her friends call her) is inspiring because she’s not as confident as she seems. The persona she projects hides real insecurities that most girls can probably relate to. She must overcome obstacles — her own judgmentalness, her relationship with her mother, her feelings about her aunt’s death — before she can genuinely accept herself. Dumplin’s message isn’t explicitly political, but having a story starring a fat girl who doesn’t want to lose weight still feels radical. Will is not singled out as especially tortured or inspiring because of her weight. She is flawed and self-conscious, beautiful and loved. She feels real. Murphy also complicates what could be a straightforward feminist takedown of beauty pageants — while Will enters the pageant in protest, she comes to see how the contest can lift young women up… in some ways. At the same time, the hyper-femininity of the pageant is paralleled in the cultures of drag queens and Dolly Parton, and celebrated as well as critiqued. Murphy sets up stereotypes just to knock them down by the end of the novel — it feels refreshing in a genre that relies heavily on mean girls and bad boys with hearts of gold.

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Out of all these novels, Dumplin’ feels the most like a love story. Will’s romance with Bo, and the way it triggers self-consciousness she didn’t know she had, takes centre stage for much of the story (something the movie largely glosses over). It’s a relationship that ebbs and flows, that’s complicated and messy and that you root for all along — a perfectly imperfect YA romance, something Will deserves. While Dumplin’ makes the personal political, Angie Thomas’s The Hate U Give is a political movement made personal. Published in 2017 — and already made into a movie — The Hate U Give follows Starr Carter, a black girl whose friend Khalil is shot and killed by a police officer right in front of her. The book is a 464-page indictment of anti-black racism in America, but in the form of a coming-of-age story. Starr is not just a girl whose friend was killed. She’s not even just an activist. She’s a teenager with friend drama and boy drama and family drama. But radically, Starr is black. This fact is so unusual for a YA novel that I don’t think I’ve ever read another story featuring a black girl as the protagonist. If teenage girls haven’t been given a voice, then teenage girls of colour have been the most silenced. The Hate U Give pushes back against that lack of representation, centering the reader within Starr’s narration. Her voice is loud; it can’t be shied away from. Starr’s narration is one of the novel’s strongest features. The reader gets to experience the way she navigates the different parts of her life, code-switching — changing her pattern of speech — to reflect whether she’s in her neighbourhood, Garden Heights, or at her affluent, predominantly white high school. Non-black readers may find Starr’s language and references confusing or alienating, and their own discomfort is, in itself, a powerful message. Similar to Moxie, The Hate U Give brings up different opinions about the Black Lives Matter movement. On the news, police brutality is debated, and in Starr’s high school, her own (non-black) friends discuss Khalil’s death. This discourse is a reflection of the conversation happening around Black Lives Matter in the real world, and Thomas gives young women a blueprint for talking about these issues with those who don’t — or won’t — understand. But she doesn’t just paint a sanitized version of this reality — there are protests and riots, rubber bullets and tear gas. It is in this context that Starr finds her voice. As commentators blame Khalil’s death on everything but the police officer who shot him, Starr discovers the power she has to make a difference — and all the danger that comes with it. Now I feel myself more drawn to YA novels than ever. Throughout my life, these books have taught me lessons about mental health, heartbreak, friendship, and family — they’ve shaped me. I’m excited to see this genre moving

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and changing as our understanding of teenage girls and what they care about expands. Every time I think of a girl picking up one of these novels and learning something new about feminism, or Black Lives Matter, or even Dolly Parton, I feel hope. Vivian, Willowdean, and Starr show girls that being brave doesn’t mean being unafraid; it means pushing past that fear to speak out against injustice. They are the girls we should be holding up as aspirational — not because they get the guy or because of the way they look, but because of their power. The success of Moxie, Dumplin’, and The Hate U Give shows that teenage girls want YA novels that acknowledge their voices and show how to use them. We should listen to them. g

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REQUIRED READING

LOVE SCENE

a honeymoon phase in opiate form being carried over the threshold bound and ball gagged in love your cup of Kool-Aid full to the brim head tossed back gulp it down saccharine taste infatuationâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s newest cult member

POETRY OLIVIA REDMOND ART DIRECTION RICHARD BAGAN, SOFIA OSBORNE & JESSICA TANG

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REQUIRED READING

FEBRUARY 2019 | 21

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The

Office PURITY TEST ILLUSTRATION NICOLAS LARA, JESSICA TANG, ALEXANDER VINCENT & HELEN ZHOU

Attention all Dunder Mifflin employees. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s time for our annual performance reviews. Who knows? Maybe this will finally be the year you get promoted from assistant to the regional manager to assistant regional manager. Remember: an office is a place where dreams come true. Now take the purity test, you ignorant slut.

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Watched every season of Riverdale all the way through?

VICES & FUCK UPS

5 10

• Twice?

HAVE YOU EVER...

Only talked in The Office references?

Watched all of The Office once?

• A month?

• Twice?

• A whole semester?

• Three times?

Gotten a ticket?

• Four times?

Watched The Office (UK)?

Been arrested?

10 Thought The Office should get a reboot?

-2

Been chased by UAPS?

Plagiarized an essay?

Put all your coworker’s stuff in Jell-O?

• Did your professor find out?

Cheated on a test?

• On a partner?

• On the purity test?

Been kicked out of university?

Slept in so late you accidentally missed a class?

• A week of class?

Been written up by a Lister RA? (2 points per time) Been evicted?

Been Hel-listed?

Posted on Overheard?

-2

Failed a class?

Walked into a lecture late with Tim Hortons?

Been in a cult? (Week of Welcome counts)

Forgot to vote in the SU elections?

Joined the PLLC?

-10

Been in a frat?

• Been accused of hazing?

Made an inappropriately-timed that’s-whatshe-said joke?

Screwed up while trying to tell someone you love them?

Stolen someone’s identity? (It’s not a joke!)

Never watched either version of The Office?

Watched The Office but didn’t find it funny?

Lied about watching The Office so you don’t feel awkward with your friends?

-5

Been to Sandals Jamaica?

Promised college tuition to third graders?

• Traumatized them?

Do you have piercings? (1 point per piercing) • Tattoos? (1 point per tattoo) SUBTOTAL

FEBRUARY 2019 | 23

FEATURES

24 | GTWY.CA

SEX

Hooked up with someone who lived in Lister?

HAVE YOU EVER...

Committed floorcest?

Kissed someone?

Flirted with a TA?

Never been kissed?

-5

Hooked up with a TA?

Masturbated?

Flirted with a prof?

• More than once in a day?

Hooked up with a prof?

• On campus?

• Were they tenured?

• At the office?

Gone on a Tinder date?

• While watching The Office?

Been stood up by a Tinder date?

Had sex?

Been on an Ashley Madison date?

• In SUB?

• In Rutherford Library?

Had an affair with your assistant?

• In a lecture hall?

5 3

Enrolled in a class just because you had a crush on someone in it?

• With a stranger? • At the office?

• Was it the prof?

• With The Office on in the background?

Sexted?

• Been too distracted by The Office to finish?

-3

Performed a handjob/fingering?

Sent nudes?

Received a handjob/fingering?

Harassed someone for nudes?

-5

Performed oral sex?

Sent an unsolicited dick pic?

-10

• Did you swallow?

Read erotic fan fiction?

Received oral sex?

• About The Office?

Performed or received anal sex?

Were you conceived at the U of A?

Performed or received road head?

Flirted with the receptionist?

Slept with your boss?

69’d?

6.9

Told your coworkers you slept with your boss?

Fisted someone?

Do you own a dildo?

Been fisted?

Watched porn?

• A vibrator?

• In the front row of a lecture hall?

• A fleshlight?

• With sound?

• Anal beads?

Made porn?

Downloaded porn on UWS?

• Nipple clamps? (2 points per clamp) • A whip?

• A sex doll?

FEATURES

• A body pillow?

-5

• A sex robot?

• A sex toy that connects to the internet?

SUBTOTAL

FEBRUARY 2019 | 25

FEATURES

ALCOHOL

DRUGS

HAVE YOU EVER...

Had alcohol?

Smoked a cigarette?

Been drunk?

• An e-cigarette?

-1

Pre-drank so much you didn’t make it to the bar?

Smoked a cigar?

Smoked weed?

• Before it was legal?

4.20

• At designated smoking spots on campus?

-2.10

Vaped?

Juuled?

Done shrooms?

• Salvia?

• MDMA?

Had ___ shots in a row? (1 point per shot) Puked at RATT?

• At Dewey’s?

• At Duke’s?

• At the office?

Puked and rallied?

Puked on someone?

Had a hangover?

• That lasted more than one day?

Blacked out?

• Popped molly at a rave?

Had alcohol poisoning?

• Meth?

Been drunk before noon?

• Dropped acid?

• Oxycontin?

Gone to class hungover?

• Ketamine?

Gone to class drunk?

• Valium?

• And kept drinking in class?

Done a line of coke?

Gone to a lab drunk?

• Off someone’s ass or titties?

Gone to a final exam drunk?

• In a bathroom?

• Did you pass?

Taken aderall to “study”?

Drank a combat juice?

Used steroids?

• More than one in a night?

• Other “performance enhancing” drugs?

Drank Everclear?

Bought legal weed?

-3

• Absinthe?

• Complained how wasteful the packaging is?

-1

• A whole box of wine by yourself?

Sold drugs?

Been kicked out of a bar?

5 Paid $15 for a gram?

-2

Gotten trashed at a work christmas party?

4 Turned your back on your dealer when weed became legal?

-5

Done drunk karaoke?

Played The Office drinking game?

SUBTOTAL

26 | GTWY.CA

FEATURES

Gone to class high?

Had bubble tea more than three times a week?

Been addicted to gaming?

-3

Done a midnight McDick’s run?

Complained that gamers are the most oppressed group?

-5

Eaten a whole pizza from Domino’s by yourself?

Finished a tombstone donair?

SUBTOTAL

Had more than one energy drink in a day? (1 point per drink)

FOOD AND GLUTTONY

HAVE YOU EVER...

Shown up to a Students’ Council meeting just for the food?

Done the Keto diet?

-5

Tried the Grick Middle from Farrow?

Eaten anything from Konz?

• And enjoyed it?

-2

Gotten food poisoning from Ho Ho’s?

Eaten Panda Express before noon?

Gained the Freshman 15?

Strolled into Steel Wheels at 2 a.m.?

• The Freshman 30?

Known the pizza guy by first name?

Made Kevin’s famous chili and then spilled it all over the floor?

Eaten Filistix for all three meals of the day?

Been banned from a Chili’s?

Had Subway five times in a week?

Forced your coworkers to come to a dinner party?

Eaten the vegan options at RATT or Dewey’s?

-2

SUBTOTAL

FEBRUARY 2019 | 27

FEATURES

VIOLENCE HAVE YOU EVER... Been in a fist fight?

• A knife fight?

• An internet comments fight?

-2

Been in a dance battle?

• A rap battle?

Broken someone’s heart? :(

Broken a bone?

• Someone else’s bone?

• A boner?

Owned a switchblade?

Owned a gun? (2 points per gun)

28 | GTWY.CA

Maimed a CPR mannequin?

Given someone a heart attack?

Seen the Scranton Strangler?

• Been the Scranton Strangler? :o

SUBTOTAL

Shot a gun?

Gone to the drunk tank?

Gone to jail?

• Served jail time?

Roasted yourself?

• Someone else?

• The U of A?

Done the purity test before?

Practiced martial arts?

-1

Gotten a negative score?

-20

Launched a student protest?

Complained about The Gateway on social media?

-10

Raised your hand in class and said “To play devil’s advocate…”?

-10

Are you doing this test in class?

• In a bar?

Joined debate club?

-5

• Online?

Faked your own death?

Taking this test even though you aren’t a student anymore?

Fought someone in a Denny’s parking lot?

SUBTOTAL

Ran someone over while going 5 km/h?

Thrown your cat through the roof?

BONUS ROUND HAVE YOU EVER...

GRAND TOTAL

FEATURES

Results Human Resources (0 - 125 points) Why are you the way that you are? Why do you only wear khakis? Why do you look a bit like an evil snail? Just go back to the annex and try not to think about the fact that you are everything that is wrong with the paper industry.

Assistant to the Regional Manager (126250 points) How would we describe you? Three words: Hardworking, alpha male, jackhammer, merciless, insatiable. You’re all about loyalty and live and breathe the paper business. Keep doing your boss’s laundry and not being an idiot and maybe one day you will finally be promoted to Assistant Regional Manager (title change only).

Accountant (251 - 375 points) You may spend your working days crunching numbers and balancing cheques, but you are also one of the most scandalous employees at Dunder Mifflin. Whether you’ve had an affair with your coworker’s gay senator husband or spent your work day looking at food on your computer, you know how to have fun. You also have very little patience for stupidity and believe that if someone prays hard enough, they can become a cat person.

Regional Manager (376+ points) You have officially risen above all other employees to become the regional manager of the Dunder Mifflin Scranton branch. You are both feared and loved because people are afraid of how much they love you. You may occasionally hit someone with your car, but overall you always leave your employees satisfied and smiling (that’s what she said). To stay the world’s best boss, remember to never for any reason do anything to anyone for any reason, ever, no matter who, no matter where or who, or who you are with, or where you are going, or where you’ve been, ever, for any reason whatsoever. g

REQUIRED READING

Love as Rich as Gold

A GUBAxPatches oneshot

AUTHOR NAME REDACTED FOR THEIR OWN SAFETY ILLUSTRATION BY 30 | GTWY.CA

REQUIRED READING

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING SPREADS CONTAIN SACREDLY PROFANE CONTENT. READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED. IF YOU GET HOT AND BOTHERED READING THIS ON PUBLIC TRANSIT, CALMLY CLOSE THE MAGAZINE AND STICK IT IN YOUR BOOK BAG. He’s running. The field is so green, the sky so blue. The air is rushing past him, ruffling his damp, yellow fur. He cradles the ball in his arms, its rough outer layer quivering in his firm but gentle touch. This ball is nothing but limp, roughhewn matter, yet it holds his destiny. If he makes it to the end zone carrying the ball, he wins. He passes a yard line. Then another. Another one’s ahead. More, more, more. And then–

He walks sheepishly out of the medical unit, still nursing a black eye, stitches parting the scruff on his chin. He tries to carry his feet softly, meandering through the throngs of fans to the exit. But with his thick, harry haunches, he can’t help but stomp. “GUBA!” yells Chad Hung, sports editor at The Getaway. Of course he had to be here. “I’m Chad Hung, sports editor at—” “Yeah, I know who you are,” GUBA roars. “Let me guess… you want to know what this means for us, for the team, now that we’ve lost the championship game.” GUBA spits next to a trash can and wipes his maw with his headband. “Well, I’ll tell ya,” he goes on, Hung staring at him in bewilderment. “We’ll do what we’ve always done: train hard, live hard, and love hard. That’s the Golden Bears way.” “My friend, don’t get ahead of yourself,” Hung chuckles. “I was going to ask — given your performance on the field today, what do you see in your future?” GUBA bares his teeth. “If you hadn’t tripped and fallen with the ball, you might’ve scored a touchdown,” Hung continues, gaining ground. “And you just might’ve saved the game. So, I ask you again: with a performance like that, how do you expect the Golden Bears to keep you on as quarterback?”

GUBA pauses, standing as if his burly calves will give way at any moment, landing his fat furry ass on the cold, rough cement. “I’m sorry, Chad, but you’re not sanctioned media,” the great bear sighs with the sound of billowing wind. “I only let Folio waste my time.” GUBA surges forward, ignoring Hung’s indignant whines. The crowd moves like a giant teardrop of flesh, propelling him to the exit. Almost there, he thinks. And then I’m done. The door’s mere feet ahead of him now. He can just about taste freedom on his thick, gamey tongue. But then someone stops him. A voice calls out. “GUBA,” a female voice says. “GUBA…” “What?” he says, declining to turn to face her. “What do you want, girl?” “Well,” she says, her voice wavering. “Just don’t take it too hard, alright?” He can’t see her, but he can smell her: a bear. Another bear? In Edmonton? He stops… but he says nothing. A few seconds later, he’s out the door, blurry white noise giving way to silence.

She walks into the Wilson Climbing Centre, trying her best not to tread too loudly on the pristine silver floors. But as with any anthropomorphic bear, it simply can’t be helped. The climbing centre is crowded. She searches for a wall to claim. None of her human classmates would mess with her, but she’s tired of taking what she wants by force. And then she sees him. In a corner. Chalking up. Alone. GUBA scrambles up the wall without a harness. Faster, faster, faster, his rage seeping out of every oversized orifice. She watches him, impressed. But then she sees him slip, and before she realizes it she’s running towards him.

FEBRUARY 2019 | 31

REQUIRED READING

“Wait!” He grins. “Well then, Patches the panda from Beijing, He tumbles from the wall… and into her arms. Together, how’d you like to get dinner with a Golden Bears all-star?” they fall to the ground. Patches scratches her left ear thoughtfully. “Thought “Oof!” you’d never ask.” They both stand, groaning, and brush themselves off. No injuries, save those from yesterday’s game. “You — you saved me!” GUBA exclaims, wiping dust out of his eyes. “I can’t thank you enough.” “After my dad sold his factory, they had enough to set me He turns to face her. She says nothing, but he recogniz- up with an estate of my own. They even picked out a young es that smell. panda boy for me to marry. He was a bamboo magnate. It “It’s you, the girl from the game!” he says. “Look, I’m would’ve been a good fit.” sorry, I was in a rough–” It’s 10:00 p.m. at Sugarbowl. Hours after sitting down, She cuts him off, placing her finger to his muzzle. the two bears are still yapping away, swapping stories of “All I wanted to say yesterday was that I thought you their childhoods in Ursa communities on opposite sides of did a great job,” she says. “It takes a lot of courage and dis- the Pacific. cipline to even get the chance at a touchdown.” “And what made you give it up?” GUBA’s posture relaxes. Underneath his matted au“I wanted more. When I told them I intended to study burn fur, his cheeks go red as lobsters. at a Canadian university, I thought they seemed surprising“And your team — well, you know those guys better ly pleased,” Patches continues. “That is, until I realized they than me, but from where I’m standing, it really seems like expected me to study business.” they look up to you,” she says. “And I admire you for it.” GUBA chuckles. Coming from an upwardly mobile bear He stares at her in awe, not quite sure what to say to family himself, this story is all too familiar. the cuddly bear soothing his eyes and ears. “Doing a bachelor of music in piano performance — “But I should get going,” she says. “Be careful on these well, that’s a bit of a different story.” walls, okay?” As he listens to her, GUBA lets his face fall into his And with that, she runs off. hand, which he’s propped up with an elbow. “Wait!” he calls after her, panting when he catches up. “It’s tough to be a bear in a human world,” GUBA says. “I didn’t even get your name.” “I admire you for doing something different, something She smiles mischievously. “Patches,” she says. “I’m that’s yours.” Patches the panda. I just moved here from Beijing.” She smiles and tilts her head to the right, gazing at him with coal-black eyes. “And football — for you, is that something different? Something that’s yours?” He lifts his head up and away, fiddling with his fork. “I love football, I do. I love the team,” GUBA offers hesitantly. “But big, burly bears like me: it’s what we’ve always done. I’ve always wondered… for me, is there something more?”

“Well, this is my stop.” Patches stops walking by the door to International House, letting their paws slip apart. GUBA wavers. He walks slowly towards her. This time, his big bear paws hardly make a sound, so trepidatious are his steps. “I really liked our time together tonight. I think…” he trails off. She smiles coyly. “Go on?” “Well, not to jump for the salmon on this, but I think we have the potential to really understand each other,” GUBA says in a rush. “I’d even let Chad Hung quote me on that.” For a moment, she says nothing. And then she leans in. Slobber runs down their fronts as they kiss for the first time, messily and unapologetically. A kiss of bears.

32 | GTWY.CA

REQUIRED READING

Once they’re inside Patches’ dorm, GUBA removes his headband and tosses it onto her bed. He moves to rip off her top — but not before she shoves him up against the wall, her teeth bared affectionately. She removes his jersey and the fading singlet underneath it. She kneels to the floor, taking his shorts and briefs down with her. And then she stops, getting a closer look. “GUBA…” she says. “There’s… there’s nothing there.” The star quarterback lets out a great, big bear sigh. “We’re mascots,” he says. “Of course there’s nothing there.” Patches says nothing. Silence rings through East Campus Village. Then she perks up, smiling. She knows what to do. “The closet,” she says. “Open it.” He looks at her quizzically, then does what he’s told. Opening the closet, he sees piles of old scores, shelves of neatly folded clothes, and a basket of lacy underwear. “Bottom shelf,” Patches instructs. And then he finds it: a long, girthsome, fur-covered bamboo rod fastened to a supple harness. “Oh,” GUBA says with some effort. “I know you like to climb without a harness,” Patches says. “But tonight, you’ll need to be flexible.”

GUBA is on his knees, his jaws clenched around her pillow. Patches rides atop him, digging deeper with every go. She goes. And goes. And goes. He roars. She presses on, faster and faster and faster.

“Oh God!” Patches yelps. “You really are the Great University Bear of Alberta!” A final burst of ecstasy washes over her fuzzy frame. Satisfied, she relents. “Damn,” he says with a cheeky grin. “Is that what they call the Panda Express?”

She’s playing. The sound glides from her fingers to her ears, sweetening the air on its way up. She presses the piano keys with force and precision, showing the instrument who’s boss. Liszt’s “La Campanella in G-Sharp Minor:” an infamous piece, and exactly what she needs to prove herself in this recital. Faster and faster, her paws caress the ivories. Piano. Forte. Piano. Forte. And then–

Silence holds sway once more, catching the audience breathless. A moment’s pause, and then they stand, all of them, filling Convocation Hall with their wild applause. Patches stands up from her bench, still reeling from her virtuosic performance. She’s done it. She gazes out at the adoring crowd, searching… and then she sees him: her very own golden bear. In this moment, one thing is certain: their hearts are green with new life, for their love is as rich as gold. g

FEBRUARY 2019 | 33

DIVER SIONS

HOROSCOPES TEXT OLIVIA REDMOND & HANNAH STUPARYK VISUALS JESSICA TANG

The signs as COSMO sex positions to try this Valentine’s Day (plus one from Urban Dictionary).

Aries Anal Will Always Love You.

Virgo Climbing Mt. G, aka Climbing Mt. Surprisingly Extensive Inner Clitorial Structure.

Cancer Passion Propellor.

Pisces Open Wide and Say “Ahhhh.”

Leo The Erotic Accordion.

Taurus Bend Him Like Beckham.

DIVER SIONS

Aquarius The Hump and Blow.

Scorpio Suicide Sixty-Nine.

Sagittarius The Sticky Scissor.

Libra Torrid Tug of War.

Capricorn Missionary.

Gemini The Squealer. g

DIVER SIONS

CROSSWORD TEXT OLIVIA REDMOND & HANNAH STUPARYK

ACROSS

DOWN

3 Four Weddings and a _____. 5 The nationality that brought us lingerie, champagne, and kissing with tongue. 10 ______ bright eyes (every now and then I fall apart) 13 The most fuckable fruit. 14 What do you call your ultimate ship? 15 A naughty genre of books, often hidden amongst the discarded reader’s digests at, like, your aunt’s house or something. Good chance either cowboys or CEOs are involved. 16 Though small and slimy they may be, these tiny ocean creatures will make you horny.

1 The warmest colour. 2 This Pretty Woman starred alongside Richard Gere in two quintessential 90’s rom-coms (first name). 4 The Greek goddess of love. 6 The art of eating out. 7 A ménage à trois but not in Québec. 8 The best place to make meaningful connections. 9 The man with the best head of hair in the entire 90’s rom-com canon (first name). 11 Who gave us love and sex and magic, baby? 12 The most phallic emoji.

Find the answers on our website, gtwy.ca

BE THE TEACHER THEY’LL ALWAYS REMEMBER

KINGSU.CA/EDUCATION

Edmonton’s Christian University

DIVER SIONS

S A T R E B L UAL

RA O F N O I SS E ADMI

TH I W S T TUDEN

D* R A C E ON D I L A V A

FRE

*SOME RESTRICTIONS APPLY

FEBRUARY 2019 | 37

DIVER SIONS

38 | GTWY.CA

REMAINING REGULAR SEASON HOME GAMES BASKETBALL HOCKEY FEB 01 FEB 02

6:00PM 8:00PM UBC 5:00PM 7:00PM UBC

FEB 01 FEB 02 FEB 09

VOLLEYBALL FEB 01 FEB 02

FEB 08

7:30PM 6:00PM UBC OKANAGAN 5:00PM 6:30PM UBC OKANAGAN

7:00PM LETHBRIDGE 7:00PM LETHBRIDGE 7:00PM CALGARY

HOCKEY

7:00PM CALGARY

POTENTIAL PLAYOFF HOME GAMES ualberta student playoff ticket pricing Bears hockey, Basketball, volleyball - $10

FEBRUARY 8-9 BASKETBALL - CANADA WEST PLAY-INS FEBRUARY 14-17 BASKETBALL - CANADA WEST QUARTER-FINALS HOCKEY - CANADA WEST QUARTER-FINALS

Pandas hockey - $5

FEBRUARY 21-24 BASKETBALL - CANADA WEST SEMIFINALS HOCKEY - CANADA WEST SEMIFINALS VOLLEYBALL - CANADA WEST QUARTER-FINALS

February 28 - MARCH 3 BASKETBALL - CANADA WEST FINALS HOCKEY - CANADA WEST FINALS VOLLEYBALL - CANADA WEST SEMIFINALS MARCH 8-9 VOLLEYBALL - CANADAWEST FINALS

be the roar that unites us in green and gold! @bearsandpandas

learn more at betheroar.ca

FEBRUARY 2019 | 39

The Gateway is the official student media source at the University of Alberta. We are run by students, for students. Our magazine is published once a month during the academic year (September to April) and we publish daily news, arts, and opinion content at gtwy.ca. Drop by our office at SUB 3-04 to volunteer or just hang out! No journalism experience necessary. We love making new friends.