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September 5, 2012
Welcome, Class, to
APOCALYPSE 101 (apoc 101, *3)
I
f the Mayans are correct — and let’s face it, they TOTALLY are — then the world will end in 2012. With a mere four months left in this fateful year, the apocalypse is just around the corner, be it a week, a month, or two pages from now. This course offers the practical skills you’ll need to survive in the fallout-ridden radioactive hellscape of post-secondary education with your mind, body and GPA intact. And of course, it also offers plenty of tips on how to cut loose once in a while and boogie like it’s your last night on Earth. After all, just because the world ends doesn’t mean the party has to.
Syllabus: 3 — Class Scheduling 4 — Getting Grades 5 — Transportation 6 — Study Spaces 7 — Attractions 8 — Food 9 — Campus Recreation 10 — Varsity Sports 11 — Bars & Clubs 12 — Drinking Games and Recipes 13 — Sex 14 — First Aid 15 —Campus Services
written by Ryan Bromsgrove, Madeline Smith, April Hudson, Katelyn Hoffart, Alex Migdal, Darcy Ropchan, Alana Willerton, Andrew Jeffrey and Ross Vincent photos by Selena Philips-Boyle, Dan McKechnie, Julianna Damer and AmirAli Sharifi art director Ross Vincent
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Volume 103, Issue 1
Let’s begin, shall we...
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Survival Planning ensuring you don’t endure your A good class schedule is key to these scheduling survival tips in own academic apocalypse. Keep self-destructing. mind to prevent your grades from if afternoon, but only consider them Morning classes: you’ll either love dle han to you’ll you have the attention span them or hate them. Okay, so , though: e a three-hour lecture. A note insid nerd likely hate them. Sure, the rtised as adve ses clas ing even y class man you will tell you that an 8 AM last for only y reall ose three-hour lectures seems like a good idea, but cho essor prof the re befo rs hou on a couple wisely. If you’re not a morning pers day. a it calls you’ll — the case for most students — ping run the risk of sleeping in and skip h Spring/Summer Courses: althoug ’ll you now k thin may your classes. You the in rse cou out the thought of taking a be able to motivate yourself to get all you, - spring or summer might app mid the by but of bed every morning, you’re if ple cou a g takin r side er con point of the semester, it may be hard the ng duri pus sticking around cam than it sounds. t grea a y’re The k. brea nth four-mo y degree pesk e thos off s cros to way n Keep location in mind whe always seem you’ll requirements. Plus, they scheduling classes. Don’t think your typical than r faste h muc by make to go be able to pull a Usain Bolt and in 10 fall/winter class. it from Education to Humanities the in icy it’s n minutes, especially whe p Don’t hesitate to add/dro is be to t wan you g thin last winter. The line. dead 18 . Sept in five classes before the that annoying student who runs a test Treat the first two weeks like s. clas minutes late every essor, run. If you’re not into the prof it, hing teac one ther se see if there’s ano Take fewer classes: if you refu But rse. cou el -lev 100 a it’s if y ciall of espe to buy in to the impending end lenging, don’t more if the course seems chal have you ve belie and ld wor the se can often The er. eith ree, doubt yourself than four years to finish your deg ng. ardi rew t mos the be to consider reducing your course load is three or four courses per term. This r Don’t take classes because you ents stud year firstespecially true for them. You’re ng taki are nds frie the who aren’t yet acquainted with high school. You’ll in university now, not rigours of a university workload. time to see of ty plen have ’ll ent, You still be considered a full-time stud rt about sma s on them on campus. Be and you’ll have more time to focu pick a and ose, cho you the the classes each class. It might also give you te to your rela that term per ple cou job or extra time to fit in that part-time . This major, including your first year extracurricular activity. ther whe to as idea an you will give ue the major purs to t wan ly real you t Evening classes can be a grea or you have in mind. way to free up time in the morning
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Tips for an
Organized Armageddon At the end of the world, danger lurks around every corner, but the real apocalypse for some of you may be missing that A+ on your final. Never fear, new kid — there are plenty of ways to make sure you stay on track to get those top marks. You’ve all got the smarts to get into this place, but being organized is what’s really going get you rolling in those high grades. Here are some tips on how to get there.
#1 - Dea dlines!
Keep track of time. This is deadlines and g pretty one d et t ay st the be to fall beh raightforwa he work in ind fa ginnin on st, and rd. All it ta g of t have t kes is he se if you o do m will hit sla ester, may n yo all the ck off at ot were u be sympat u eventuall work he y y. You p all n r prof ou ight sla tic to your to fin essor plight ish yo ying z , u o e r time y ve m assign ou ne ment. bies and ha n if you ed hand d no t in you an extensio If you kno ime w r work n or w an em , let th on’t b ahead of ail the e em kn night it. You ow in around to be ’ve go advan t enou fore it’s du there ce — e isn’t gh of try going tho your p ing to bite to cut your h se undead rofess or to ead o things after y be ff ou ab out ge come ano ; you don’t out t need her sc tting w ar ork in on tim y creature e.
#3 - Notes!
Taking goo d notes is everything. times in cl There will ass when yo be u feel preo would prob ccupied, an ably rather d devise a pla pesky robo n to evade t that’s been that ruining your for weeks. flower gard But if you en want to ge you’ll just h t those grad ave to pay at es, tention. If yo ing their slid ur prof is po eshow onlin ste, don’t was to write ever te time tryin ything dow g n. Listen to to say, and what they h make sure ave you take det their words. ailed notes There’s also on nothing wo back to stu rse than go dy your no ing tes and seei illegible scri ng nothing bble that lo but oks like it w academic zo as written by mbie. an
s! a d n e g A #2
s due? k. What’ our wee y o you n D la p ? ou have nda and y e g o a d he n ts a Get itmen End of T at cool er comm ze th th ti o ri t to o a ri o h P g W kend? me to e ti e e w r v a is o h really nage y u gger th then ma med ke d e n ry h a e -t v e d e n rl o n Wo pla et d need to g xible: don’t try to p e what you l come u fl il e w B s . g ly e in v ti th c e e k se a ff u e a m time t still ay, bec ated. Bu f every d ip to c x ti te te n u a d in a e m hav rk, re may not finish wo nd do any that you time to a e y th a s s e k e ta rch your a sure you se re , apters book ch g. l studyin a n io addit
have that you’ll ber e neat and ar m e s m te o re n your to actually t c je ’re b u Make sure su yo e . And if etail on th y later on d ls, u a enough d st ri e to at g m are tryin ur study yo re ur o st what you yo a laptop to p regularly. Getting r ve u relying on o it c is k d nly to you bac e for finals o ar e make sure ar tm p h ig re n p d is a out to n obliterate computer ve has bee . ri io d ar d n e ar h sc r you -of-days d n e y an worse than
s! e c r u o s e #4 - R
tudy urces. S pus reso m a TA a h c it n e of o eeting w g M ta , n rs a v te d r Wri so many Take a Centre fo er it is, there are e h T For , s p v grou studies. hate help — w u through your ble a a tr il x a v e a r o fo uide is help y G to s r’ s ally e te u rc ri s resou ent u ian W e Canad d each departm r Writers th , s y a s es , an e fo ookstore ides. The Centr your at the b u g nd edit a n w w o ie v ir re e th your lp e n rs h offe ll will k. Ofte iboia Ha ive you feedbac in a in s g s n A ri b in and g you to e ts g n for e ra u m te o enc assign ue da will also re the d A ht fo T e g b ri r o t e n f th e pro u’re on assignm o y r u re o u y s f e draft o r to mak elp! look ove ask for h to them to id a fr a e b ’t n track. Do
Studying is obviously key, but it’s not the only thing that’s going to earn you an A+ in Apocalypse 101. Follow our advice, and you’ll be well on your way to being the top zombie-destroying honcho in class — you may just turn out intelligent enough to survive the end of the world.
Oh hey look, an apocalypse!
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R e o p a u t c _ _ _ e s _ _ _ s _ _ E _ _ _ _ Getting to and the heck away from campus On top of being a university, the U of A is also a transit center. Walk to the bus loop by HUB and you’ll find transit to take you to any corner of the city you desire. Buses usually run on a 15-30 minute schedule — but that’s on a good day. You’re going to want to budget more time during the winter, or any other time there’s bad weather. Although ETS tries to be on the ball most of the time, it seems like everyone behind the wheel forgets how to drive as soon as a little snow or rain falls. After a snowfall, it’s not uncommon to wait up to an hour for a late bus.
LRT
(“light rail transit,” aka “trains”) If you live close to a station, the LRT is a quick and efficient way to get wherever you’re going. With the line starting in the north end of the city at Clareview and terminating at Century Park in the south side, LRT has stops at a variety of major attractions and centres in Edmonton. During peak hours the LRT runs on a five to 10 minute schedule. After about nine o’clock, trains run on a 15 to 20 minute schedule. The last train leaves Clareview at 12:45 a.m. and reaches Century Park at about 1:16 a.m. The last train going north leaves from Century Park at 1:38 a.m. Make sure you know when the last train is — there’s nothing worse than being stuck at Clareview at two in the morning with no ride home.
U-Pass
(all-purpose transit pass for students) Edmonton has all this public transit, but you still may wonder, “how do I pay for all this?” Well, that’s the best part. The U-Pass you pay for with your fees is your passport to the city. Just get your sticker from the people at InfoLink in the basement of SUB at the beginning of each semester and you’re good to ride. But remember, the U-Pass is only good for each four-month semester. During the Christmas break and summer vacation, you’re going to have to pay full fare or buy a monthly bus pass. Standard fare is $3 per ride, with a transfer that’s good for 90 minutes after you pay. A monthly bus pass will set you back $86. Whatever you do, make sure you are always in possession of your U-Pass, bus pass or transfer at all times. It may not seem like a big deal, but the city has been cracking down on people riding transit for free. And if you’re caught without your pass, you will get a $250 fine.
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Places to Hide! Study spaces that make good shelter, too.
Rutherford Library
the The big brick building on campus might be ng readi some get and to e escap to safest place done during the apocalypse. With a designated for noise level on each floor, it’s got something floors , North d erfor Ruth In nt. stude every can three and up are silent spaces where you s of sound cting distra the ut work in peace witho t a moaning zombie hoard — although that migh arts ed einat r-caff just be a bunch of bitter unde students. During peak hours, you’re going have for to be quick if you want a seat with a plug-in and , world the of end the your dying laptop. It’s only the strong survive. Rutherford South has plenty of open study ned space for students as well as beautifully desig room on comm a has rooms to get lost in. It also where study groups can meet and plan out their next class presentation. But don’t talk too loud: ng, those bitter arts zombies have excellent heari bite. they , noise much too make you if and
The Telus Building
The Telus Building doesn’t have a ton of study the space, but it’s worth mentioning because of perthe are that s room e individual cubicle-lik fect place to kick back with a coffee and get your assigned reading done, or maybe just pointlessly But surf the internet — whatever you prefer. once again, you have to move quickly to get these first spaces. If there are any survivors, that’s the go. l place they’l
SUB
of The Students’ Union Building has a plethora rerequi study your meet to tables and es couch ments, and there’s also a fireplace. Who knew ing? you could be classy and cosy while study There are also some great places to stuff your face with food while you toil late into the night s during final exams — no need to venture acros suste for nging campus and risk your life scave is SUB n, seaso exam g tryin the nance. During usually open 24 hours.
HUB
met When you enter the building, your nose is d with the scent of Indian and Thai food mixe place best the like seem not t together. It migh to get your homework done at first, but the place usually clears out and gets pretty quiet after s to six o’clock. There’s no shortage of place s sit, although the hard steel waffle patter chair ved survi you hey, But back. might give you a sore g the end of the world, what are you complainin the — loud too about? Just make sure you’re not survivors there don’t take kindly to noise.
Home
perSeriously, go home. Your place might be the t in Inves face. your in book a shove to fect space won’t you where a good desk and put it in a place s. need to put up with a lot of noises or distraction you Your fridge is within walking distance, so you won’t have to shell out the dough every time no is part best the And s. snack study want some in fighting someone for a power outlet to plug one some fight to have do your laptop — if you . over that, you’re probably in the wrong house
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Volume 103, Issue 1
If you’ve managed to escape the clutches of an apocalyptic zombie or outrun the smog of a giant mushroom cloud of destruction, it’s time to celebrate. Grab some friends and head out to some of these local hotspots for a night of relief-filled fun.
Myer Horowitz Theatre
(2nd floor of the Students’ Union Building) Located in the Students’ Union Building, the Myer Horowitz is a comfortable and intimate theatre that has hosted plenty of well-known artists over the years. With past performances
by artists like Sarah Slean and Kathleen Edwards, the concert hall is the perfect place to enjoy the fine arts from the comforts of your own campus environment.
Dinwoodie Lounge
(2nd floor of the Students’ Union Building) Also located in the Students’ Union Building, Dinwoodie Lounge is home to a wide variety of events throughout the year. From live music events to tradeshows to student group activities, there’s always something going on at
Dinwoodie. Don’t miss the Week of Welcome activities and performances taking place here at the beginning of the semester, and keep an eye out for special events like the poster sale happening annually.
Studio Theatre
(Timms Centre for the Arts — 87 Avenue and 112 Street) Staged by the U of A’s Department of Drama, Studio Theatre performances are often on par with anything done by professional theatre companies in the city. This year’s lineup of plays includes the world premiere of The Missionary
Position and the Shakespeare classic Richard II as they attempt to show off the talents of the university’s BFA students. The theatre also offers flex passes, so you can catch several performances for one great price.
Art Gallery of Alberta (Sir Winston Churchill Square)
Arguably the coolest-looking building in the city, the AGA is home to phenomenal art created by both local and internationally known artists. From Andy Warhol to Alex Janvier, there’s a little bit
of everything for the art buff in all of us. The gallery also hosts regular artist talks and films, and even holds late night Refinery parties every few months — always the talk of the town.
Metro Cinema
(At the Garneau Theatre — 8712 109 St.)
Metro Cinema is not your average movie theatre. Forgoing the usual Hollywood fare for cult classics, comic book epics and sometimes just flat out ridiculous films, Metro Cinema has an eclectic yet
fascinating mix of cinematic gems year round. Dedicated to bringing you the best in film, there’s always a new — or sometimes old — favourite to be discovered here.
The Citadel Theatre (Sir Winston Churchill Square)
Citadel Theatre productions are about as good as it gets in Edmonton. While it can definitely be on the pricy side, it’s a great option if you’re willing to splurge. This year’s selection of plays ranges from dramatic courtroom dramas like A Few Good Men to historical fictions like The
Kite Runner — this year’s lineup even includes the beloved Monty Python’s Spamalot. This fall, the Citadel will also be the new home to Rapid Fire Theatre, a local improv company whose weekly Friday and Saturday night performances are bound to leave you in stitches.
Welp, looks like the world en ded.
Sure was nic e...
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the
the
” r e g “h u n s e m a g places to eat
Filistix
ing both permaWith the advantage of hav the capability of and nent indoor locations ck, if anything’s tru a from d ser ving up foo , it’s the South pse going to sur vive the apocaly a fixed menu h Wit . stix Pacific stylings of Fili rian dishes eta veg and at me ity ual of high-q can’t go you s, cial and a rotating menu of spe mises pro h wit d car mp sta a wrong. Throw in rself you got you’ve of future free meals, and be But ng. chi lun t uen a viable option for freq zombie’s a like ns bur ce sau hot warned, the d way. hunger for brains. In a goo
Burrito Libre
will still be there, The friendly RATT staff revamped just last nu me a and r ser ving up bee sly lack an oven, year. Though they hilariou typical pub fare, of iety they still provide a var fries and salads. with burgers, sandwiches, a great view of get And on top of all that, you anything left. re’s the ing um Edmonton — ass
Remedy Cafe
a little while ago, A downtown location opened eatable. If you don’t but the original is still unb hipster and/or lefty know about Remedy, your ce you. It’ll require odu intr friends will shortly St. but if you make a dangerous quest to 109th ppointed. disa be it there alive, you won’t
and Pakistani food They specialize in Indian several meat-based r offe do in HUB brings — and though they tion loca d ene -op ntly A rece s the people excited are rth it once in a dishes, what really get Burrito Libre from the “wo an and vegetarian options. into the campus the gluten-free, veg while” categor y squarely , they’re most known for side of meats, sauces On the drinks iety var a r from ose Cho les. stap extensive imported bee perfect burrito. It’s their chai and get to ible oss and toppings to create the imp lly selection. It’s essentia xican food. sity and not end essentially the Subway of Me through four years of univer e, so get it over with and y severely under- up here at least onc The one problem is you ma as you get the chance. ich the tortilla will head over as soon estimate the extent to wh : there is a solution be crammed full. Luckily, l instead. You’ll bow rito bur a f grab yoursel also skip out on l be down one tortilla, but wil g worse than hin not re’s the ly all the mess — and SUB elevators is a relative burrito with aliens Hidden near the pointed ly just ile trying to devour a messy Wh joy. of let out top back on your little-known at your doorstep. Pop the ppening” place, it’s not the rest at your out as being not a “ha sh fini and ape container, esc future days of dreary ny Ma for lack of quality. convenience. idance — stand to be avo bie zom or — studying to this dark nook of brightened by a quick visit of light snacks and s ring offe ny SUB and its ma delicious smoothies. ribar for one at An obvious choice, but a gre problem. They have h good food. The Fruit smoothie? No cading yourself in safety wit looking for something to as it is, so when plenty. And if you’re SUB elevators are bad enough s — days spent before ter the first to go. remind you of bet day be y’ll the , hits pse caly the apo with family and friends are locked, make the asteroids hit Before the stairwell doors e, perhaps — check out the er to the seventh around a campfir your way up the SUB tow . It tastes like it sounds — hie d to rescue a few ‘Smore smoot thir the at ng ppi (sto r floo we’re lovers, not heavenly. terrified Gateway editors — ess. fighters) and block off all acc
Juicy
RATT
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Volume 103, Issue 1
the
hunger “g a m e s” campus recre ation
ttending university classes may help sharpen your mind, but if you’re going to have any hope of making it out of the zombie apocalypse alive, you’re going to need to work on your body as well. Luckily, campus has plenty of options for whipping yourself into shape, because at the end of the world, the freshman 15 just might be the cause of your untimely demise.
A
van vliet If working out is your thing, you’re in luck — your fees include a gym pass! It might be a bit cramped during the day, but if you avoid the busy hours, you can snag a treadmill or an elliptical, and there’s also
weightlifting equipment around if you’ve got a hankering for something more hardcore. When it comes to post-apocalyptic grocery store raids, you’re going to want that upper body strength to carry supplies to safety.
Rec Services Working alone might help you survive in the outside world, but if you feel the need to group together, there’s always Campus Rec — investigate the programming at recservices.ualberta.ca. They offer tons of cool classes for you to hone
your skills, and you can bring your friends along as well. Check out their website for the daily schedule, or bring your ONEcard along for a drop-in session for anything from nutrition counseling to handball to belly dancing.
Butterdome For those of you more into traditional sports, the Butterdome is the place for you. Want to play soccer? Basketball? Dodgeball? Look for the giant yellow building amongst the rest of the
university’s more modest structures. If you bring your ONEcard, you can even go skating in the winter. There’s a mode of transport that doesn’t require access to dwindling oil supplies.
River Valley If you love the great outdoors, head down to the River Valley for some exercise. Located on the outskirts of the university, it features some of Edmonton’s nicest scenery and myriad trails to
explore. You can go for a walk, run or bike ride without all the hassle of a gym or a track field — when the weather is nice, that is. You might even find the perfect spot to build a tree house.
Biking If you don’t want to pollute the environment with exhaust fumes, but you’re too lazy to walk to school, you can always buy yourself a bike. This handy form of transportation will
keep you somewhat in shape while helping you avoid time-consuming walks. Make sure you bring a lock, as there are plenty of bike racks on campus, but also plenty of thieves.
Walking You might get enough exercise just walking from class to class, especially if you’ve fallen victim to a bout of misguided scheduling — and don’t say you weren’t warned about making it from Mechanical Engineering to Education. If you
prefer getting around on your own two feet, the university area is a perfect place to stretch your legs. And if you live close enough, you can enjoy a pleasant walk to and from school — at least until the snow starts coming down.
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Beyond
butterdome Varsity Sports: Gladiator Combat of the Future
W
hen the apocalypse rips through the world, the entire planet becomes a contest of survival of the fittest. Of course, if you’ve been sitting around in class, studying away the hours of university life, your chances of winning will drastically decrease. But if you watch one of the 14 different varsity sports on North or South Campus, you’ll be able to get a glimpse of what the future of the human race looks like once the zombies wipe out everyone else.
etball
Golden Bears Bascitking athletes on display,
and ex ars team that’s 1st-team AllWith a Golden Be and led by CIS ish fin ce pla nd co rdan Baker, se Jo a e off let coming Canadian ath piam ll ch l na tio home opener wi at last season’s na the the team’s of n e do on an is Br A e of th U st onships, the me Nov. 2 again ity un ly repeat as co on mm t Co no le to vil Sa es e rit favou bcats at th rence cham- Bo y: 2,800) Canada West confe ts Centre (capacit or Sp S CI e th to ck at South ba t ay ge aw to e t pions, bu a quick LRT rid all etb sk Ba . me championship ga mpus. st fast-paced Ca puts some of the mo
Golden Bears/Pandas Hockey As the U of A plays in the Canada West conference with a number of other strong teams from Manitoba, Saskatchewan and Calgary, hockey fans on campus are almost always assured a good game. With former American Hockey League head coach Ian Herbers now behind
the bench, the Golden Bears are looking to get back to the national championships after they didn’t qualify last season. Meanwhile, the Pandas hope to return to the kind of play that won them a conference and national championship in 2010.
The Golden Bears’ home opener comes Sept. 28 against the University of Manitoba Bisons, while the Pandas first hom e game
won’t be until Oct. 19 against the University of Saskatche wan Huskies. Both teams play at the Clare Drake Arena (ca pacity: 3,000) on north campus.
Golden Bears Foo
tball
A disastrous 2011 season saw the time gaining grou U of A’s football nd on the rest of team lose every the conference, bu game they playe t their first test d. With a more in the home open experienced tea er Sept. 7 against m in 2012, the the University of Bears’ record can Saskatchewan only get better, will be a good ind but it’ll be a diffi icator of how the cult climb. With rest of their seas conference rivals on will continue. like the UniverThe Golden Bear sity of Calgary, Sa s play their home skatchewan and games at Foote UBC, the Bears Field (capacity: will have a hard 3,500) at South Ca mpus.
Pro Sports in Edmo
nton
For diehard sports fans, there’s a lot Commonwealth’s more to experie College Corner, un nce in Edmonto in versity students besides varsity game can buy tickets for s. The tickets may jus t $2 1 from InfoLink in SU be more expens ive, but Edmonto B. n Meanwhile, hop provides plenty of opportunities to se off the LRT at e Coliseum statio world-class athletes n to see Edmonto in action. Just take n’s premier sports tic a trip on the LRT fro ket — that is, unles m the university to s the lockout wipe either Rexall Place s out the 2012-13 or Commonwealt h Na Stadium. tional Hockey Leag ue season as it did eight years ag Once you arrive at o. The Edmonton Stadium station, Oilers are the mo you can watch on st popular team in e of the most deco - town, and on rated and successfu the rise with a nu l teams in Canadian mber of exciting young football history, stars like Jordan the Edmonton Eberle and Taylor Eskimos of the Hall, both trying to Canadian Football improve upon the League. The Eskim ir second-last finish os currently sit in the Western confe in second place rence last season. in a close Weste rn Whether you Conference race wi can afford the fro th half of the seaso nt row n or are aiming for left to play giving the cheap seats, ch fans the potential eck of out Ticketmaster to seeing playoff ga secure a spot once mes this fall. Wi th the team finall y returns.
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Volume 103, Issue 1
Disc op
e s p y l a co n campus o
Garneau Pub (8514 109 St.)
d n o a ff campus n o s b u l c & s bar Room at the Top
Dewey’s
(7th floor of SUB)
(Behind Dent/Pharm)
Every apocalypse calls for a quality stakeout location, and since the best place for a stakeout is high ground, what better place to be than Room at the Top? Located on the seventh floor of the Students’ Union Building, it’s a convenient spot to grab a quick beer after studying for an exam or finishing class for the day. Boasting a fantastic view of campus and tasty food from a recently overhauled menu, RATT will soon be your go-to destination for an emergency booze run — or stakeout.
Tucked away in the U of A’s old Power Plant building, Dewey’s is the perfect place to take shelter during the end of the world. While you’re there, you might as well sample some of their tasty bar fare and assortment of beers — after all, who knows how long you’ll be holed up there waiting out the zombies. While it’s fairly similar to what RATT has to offer, Dewey’s also has a delicious breakfast and coffee menu to help you start your day off right and a large backroom with several pool tables to occupy your evenings.
Everyone’s favourite off-Whyte dive bar, the Garneau is an institution all on its own. Love it or hate it, this is the only place in town where you can hang out on plastic lawn chairs and chug a pitcher of the potent pink beverage known as “combat juice” — a magical concoction proven to ward off the apocalyptic undead. Combined with the so-bad-it’sgood jukebox, an array of slot machines and weird ‘70s basement décor, the eccentricities of “G-Pub” make for the perfect place for after school drinks.
Black Dog
(10425 82 Ave.)
. e v a e t y h W
If you’re feeling down about the idea of the nuclear explosions and zombie invasions, try drowning your sorrows at one of the most popular pubs on Whyte Avenue. With the cozy “Underdog” basement, a dartboard on the main floor and a beautiful second floor patio that often features a funky DJ, Black Dog will quickly become a regular part of your weekly routine. Be sure to get there early though — it’s known to fill up fast.
The Rack (10544 82 Ave.)
The Rack has a little bit of everything to satisfy any mood. A great place to catch a sports game, the bar is huge: there are pool tables and plenty of seating for those interested in just hanging out, as well as a dance floor for those who want to get their party on. While regular drink specials have made this bar an extremely popular destination with the university crowd, its large floor plan can usually accommodate the demand — but be prepared to wait in line for a while during busy party nights.
Vinyl Retro Lounge (10740 101 Ave.)
If you’ve made it this far away from the university, chances are you’ve managed to outrun the zombies. If that’s the case, then it’s time to celebrate with a night of drunken debauchery at Vinyl Retro Lounge. Blasting hit tunes from the ‘80s and ‘90s all night, it’s easy to forget your troubles with so many catchy songs filling your head. Located right above Oil City Roadhouse and in close proximity to the LRT station, it’s a convenient party place for any university student.
Oil City Roadhouse
(10736 101 Ave.)
If there’s one thing to be said for Oil City Roadhouse, it’s that they know how to throw a rowdy party. With a mix of country, rock and Top 40 music playing late into the night, Oil City is one of the more notorious places to get drunk with your friends in the city. If you’re looking to have a good time where the booze flows freely, this is definitely one of the places you should consider doing it.
Downtown
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Doomsday Drinks The Daquiri After Tomorrow • 3/4 cup ice made from melting, refreezing snowfall • 1 tbsp sugar • 1/2 Oz whatever berries you can forage • 2 tbsp citrus juice • 2 tbsp rum • 2 tbsp Mountain Dew
Combine all ingredients and blend. This will work way better if you’re able to find a Margaritaville in the post-apocalyptic wasteland. Ensure Mountain Dew is the expected carbonated soft drink and not radioactive waste, as colours can be deceiving. If in doubt, throw it out.
g n i n w o Dr your Sorrows
The Lizard Man
l of drunk is pressing leve de s” a ch su your “friend achieve upon you by d ed to cut short rc an es fo is ce it an om ve er pr e world . to ha e, persev he end of th ne you know king. t of enduranc yo in es er dr nt , ev co d se a ur an in you rink nd, of co the lives of ndle this? D fortitude. A e, you can st way to ha a- mental be inking gam oc e dr ap th a is g t’s th in at ay Wha th pl or lf, but on by up se such a st t on your from And yourself into er ything no provement ev im e e m am bl co el aw rwise lypse will be ld have othe rules.” er you wou ay to “the ov w ng ly ha on e e th Th . ng ni xt mor faced the ne
T
Beer Pong
this classtudent plays s. er y university inking career dr Just about ev eir th in me point ber of cups m nu l sic game at so ua eq two set up an angle Two teams of riety — in a tri the Red Solo va g pong pin w ro th — preferably of to take turns trying filled triangle. formation and ozeopponents’ bo s must balls into their their opponent , ot sh a es ak rs of be em m th Once a team m bo o. If me the ball fell int sa e ink th dr e on th p ug ch me cu s ball into the sa am a Te w . ro ice th tw am a te t drink hen sing team mus ot is made. W turn, the oppo sh ck tri a if twice nent’s must also drink into their oppo ssed their ball last chance e on ts a team has to ge am opposing te the game final cup, the if they sink it, ption shot — nning shot. wi us io with a redem ev pr team e, voiding the must continu the opposing th members of er. ov is e m ga However, if bo e th in the last cup, sink their ball
The Pokemon Drinking Board Game:
The Louisville Chugger:
fficult for n become di endurance ca pted multiple m te at This test of if rs ke hest of drin hole into even the toug First, cut one hout a night. llow plastic ho a of times throug m tto e on the bo le on the the side and on ink into the ho Then pour a dr bottom of e th of t baseball bat. ou that none spills is recommended, side, ensuring beer drink, n or bottle of ca A t. ba e le a stronger th you can hand ve lie be u yo if but wer to you. the bat, then more po poured into and ink has been dr e th ce On to his mouth t ba e th gs t ker brin his peers coun of a chosen drin p ou gr a ink while ish the drink fin ot chugs the dr nn ca er . If the play must be down from 15 then the bat untdown ends does finish er ay pl e before the co th If r another try. side down filled again fo e the bat up ey must plac it and spin on ad the drink, th he re , put their fo nd s up and ou nd gr sta e th en th on ayer times. The pl n that’s 10 ca er cle be cir y a in empt ces to hit an en the an th ch t, e re ou th s ike gets the player str If . m hi to d pitche again. s must begin whole proces
need to me, you’ ll first rtake in this ga arch for se e ag im le In order to pa og d you — a simple Go Game will lea find a board inking Board four Dr or s on er m ay ké pl Po ur the , fo e ready to go rting u’r sta yo ur ce fo of On e to it. se on and will each choo r, Bulbasaur teams of two e, Charmande their rtl ui Sq : on ce and make di Pokém e th ll ro ers then the spaces Pikachu. Play e content of or the board. Th 1 Pokémon 15 al way around in ig or e of the e Elite Four or th , rs varies from on de lea es with gym ts a differpotential battl square presen ry Oak. Ever y ercome. ov to er in of course Ga tra e allenge for th capable es in of n tio ent drinking ch right combina ia, you lg sta no od With just the ho ges and child en passed all ly fe ch sa g be kin to drin are guaranteed . ds en fri ur yo and rld hits end of the wo out when the
Beerio Kar t:
games to lar drinking enty of popu t fun and pl os e m ar e e th er t Th , bu d N64 games played ve lo is s be ce to oi ch n ch atta good, drunke of g in ag ur enco . fore ic Mario Kart your drink be with the class simple: finish to is e tiv jec ob you choose w The ho t Bu e. k e finish lin u cannot drin Yo y. you reach th eg at str s a bit of g and driving kin in do this require dr as , in the race d. Instead, while driving t you arreste and could ge can handle u yo as h is dangerous uc m se to drink as partway you can choo e, or pull over re getat the start lin fo g be tin k sit in dr ile ur wh yo in front race and chug p e th sto h to ug nt ro th ll wa it. Maybe you’ st make ting back into your drink. Ju to polish off e re your lin fo ish be s fin e as of th your gl no alcohol in g. sure there’s fla d re ke t the chec kart brings ou
• • • • •
1 Oz Creme de menthe 1 Oz Tequila 2 Oz Tonic water Lime Twist Cherry
Mix the liquids in a salt-rimmed old fashioned glass — on the rocks, of course. Expertly wind your lime twist around the cherry to show off. Pretty much every public figure is secretly a lizard person from space plotting the end of the world. Celebrate that fact with this little number. Refreshing and strong, a few of these will take care of all your apocalyptic worries. Isn’t that better? Go back to sleep, sheeple.
Mutually-Assured Destruction • • • •
1 Oz Stolichnaya Vodka 1 Oz Jack Daniel’s 1 571 ml Bottle Diet Coke 1 Mentos
Empty enough Diet Coke to pour the vodka and whisky in. In one fluid motion, add Mentos and return top to bottle. Shake vigourously. Unscrew and chug. Soviets got a little trigger happy, Americans struck back, and now you’re currently trying to outrun radiation poisoning? Pass the time with this. The widely-known Mentos/Diet Coke reaction ensures an alcoholic explosion in your mouth second only to a nuclear detonation.
Zombie Hipster • 1 Oz Baileys • 1 pint Pabst Blue Ribbon
Fill shot glass with Baileys. Dunk into PBR and drink quickly. A variant on the Irish Car Bomb, the aim is to drink it faster than a runner zombie with prey in sight. The longer you take, the longer the Baileys has to curdle. For bonus points, drink while wearing plaid.
The Apocalypse • • • • • • • •
1 Oz Kraken 1 Oz Crown Royal 1 Oz Pimms 1 Oz Grenadine Dash of Everclear Dash of Angostura bitters Tonic water, to taste Orange slice
Throw everything together in a cocktail shaker. Strain into martini glass. Garnish with orange slice. It’s the end of the world and you don’t have time to try all this shit individually. Throw it together — and add anything else you never tried but really want to — and don’t worry about the taste. What matters is when the zombies find you, at least you’ll have crossed a few more liquors off your bucket list.
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! s e i b m o z , p a n s Oh
SEX
and where to have it
D
esperate times call for desperate measures, and when the world is ending, there’s a chance you and your mate might not be able to keep your hands off each other long enough to make it all the way back to your dorm. Remember these campus locations when things get hot and heavy.
DISCLAIMER: The Gateway assumes no responsibility for the risks you take if you can’t manage to keep it in your pants in public areas of campus.
The back stacks of Rutherford library Campus rumours are rife with stories about all kinds of people getting it on in the library all the time. Whether or not this is as frequent an occurrence as reported, word on the street is the library is actually a pretty good location for a quickie. Be alert
for footsteps coming down the aisles, or risk further irritating an overstressed student or unamused librarian. And maybe try not to moan too loud on the silent floors — some people have actual schoolwork they’re trying to do.
The dark corners of BioSci In case you haven’t heard yet, the Biological Sciences building on campus is a veritable maze of strange, secret rooms and twisting corridors. It shouldn’t be hard to find some obscure place in here to bump uglies. Just
make sure you and your special friend can find your way out afterwards — and that you don’t get any biohazardous material somewhere you’d never want that stuff to be.
While the world might be ending, that doesn’t mean you have time to get careless. If you’re going to be taken out of the game, make sure it’s the zombies that get to you rather than an easily preventable STI.
Use condoms
Yes, this information has been relentlessly cramm ed down our throats since we were all in junior high schoo l, but seriously, this is one of the simplest ways of keepin g yourself safe in a variety of situations.
Educate yourself
While you may think you understand all there is to know about sexual health, it’s easy to miss crucial details . Take questions you have to reliable sources, like your docto r, and make sure you always know what’s going on with your own body — that means getting tested regula rly.
Don’t let the pressure get to you
The U of A Observatory Located at the west end of the fifth floor of CCIS, the campus observatory sets the standard for romantic spots on campus. A little stargazing is a great way to get you in
HEALTH ADVISORY
the mood. Try not to plan your risqué rendezvous when an elementary school tour is scheduled, or risk sending your shame and embarrassment skyrocketing into space.
Especially if you’re moving into residence or hitting the bar scene for the first time, trust yourself rather than the expectations of others. Whether you have tons of sex or none at all, your personal comfort levels should be the bottom line regardless of the situation.
. . . e i b m o z a g n i t a d n e h W
...always u se
protection .
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t s Fir aid se, so there f an apocalyp o st id m e th ant to take ou’re in tions you’ll w au c re p n ai are scarce, are cert e. Resources iv al t u o lf e oid a trip to get yours enough to av e b ld u o sh s ): but these tip hat’s left of it (or at least w al it sp o h e to th
Y
Signs of Alcohol Poisoning Escape route Before you plan a night out on the tow n, figure out the logistics. Deter mine if you’ll be ge tting back home with a designated driver, and if not, make sure you have enough mone y for the bus or a cab. Set a limit on drinks, and try to have a friend to wa tch your back throughout the nig ht to make sure you’r e not drinking way more than you should.
• • • • • • •
Severe vomiting or vomiting after passing out Not responding after being shouted at, pinched, nudged or poked The inability to stand up The inability to wake up Slow, deep irregular breathing Purplish, cold or clammy skin Rapid pulse
If you see any of these signs in an intoxicated person, don’t hesitate — the person’s life could be in danger. Call 911 to get help immediately, but don’t leave the person’s side to ensure that they stay breathing. While you’re waiting for help, place them in the recovery position. (Source: Alberta Health Services)
The Recovery Position Keep your eyes open risk at all times to avoid the Keep your drink with you a for ed nd you’ve left it unatte of getting drugged. If ng nki dri of ry wa be one. Also period of time, buy a new that y’re easy to spike. Signs the as , wls bo ch pun from zidiz s, nes epi gged include sle you may have been dru and t ou ng cki bla or g or walkin ness, difficulty standing ms like r friend exhibits sympto you If ry. mo me of s los tal right away. these, get them a hospi
Step 1: Your friend has passed out from trying to drink the nightmares away. Make sure you place the arm closest to you straight out from the body, above their head.
Know your limits Alcohol is commonly used as a tool for sexual assault, so don’t let your friends or strangers pressure you into drinking more than you can handle.
Step 2: Grab and bend the person’s far knee. Gently roll them on to their side.
If you need help Emergency posts are availab le on campus at LRT stations, recognizable by the glow ing blue lights. Campus security will come to your aid if you press this button. And you can always call 911 if you feel you’re in danger.
Step 3: Position the far arm with the back of the hand against the near check, propping their head up from the ground. Tilt their head up slightly so that the airway is open. Make sure their hand is under their cheek. This will keep their head elevated and prevent them from choking on or swallowing vomit if they happen to throw up.
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campus, but ices available on rv se t ea gr e th cess these me of know how to ac u t’s easy to miss so yo re su e ak M luable. they can be inva urces. so re awesome U of A
I
University Wellness Services CAPS
Safewalk If you’re in need of an escort on or around campus after it gets dark — which can happen pretty early during the winter — call Safewalk. The accompaniment service is free, and can be booked in advance or requested at a moment’s notice by phoning 780-4-WALK-ME. Safewalk volunteers will even take the LRT with you and escort you within three blocks of the station.
Campus Food Bank If you ever find yourself in need, the campus food bank is ready to help. Operating on the first floor of SUB, the organization aims to eliminate hunger on campus.
With offices in HUB, SUB and CCIS, CAPS is an easily accessible jobhunting resource. They offer services to help you improve your cover letter and resume, career forums and sessions on interview skills, among other things. They also have a very useful online job postings section on their website that’s a must for the yearly summer job hunt.
Specialized Support and Disability Services If you need special accommodations in the classroom or assistance getting around campus, SSDS is in place for support — their office is also on the second floor of SUB.
The U of A has a host of wellness resources, including a pharmacy, health centre, sexual assault centre and mental health centre. All are readily available to students regardless of whether they buy in to the university’s health plan — although you are required to show proof of provincial health insurance at the health centre. All offices are located on the second floor of SUB. Health Centre: 780-492-2612 Sexual Assault Centre: 780-492-9771 Mental Health Centre: 780-492-8535 Distress Line: 780-482-HELP Note that if you do not want to pay for the university health plan, you need to opt out by visiting ihaveaplan.ca before the Sept. 18 deadline. Otherwise, you’re automatically enrolled, and must pay for, the program.
’s time for you it t, go ve e’ w om d is w al iv l the surv ’ve got u Now that we’ve imparted al yo at th ow n — s id k e, er Good luck out th s. ar fe r u yo ce fa d an t ou ce alive. to go la p is th of t ou it e ak m st ju the skills, you might
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