March 2012 by The Vital Voice Magazine

March 2012

Faith, Hope & LOVE Harrison & David â&#x20AC;&#x201C; A Capital Affair

Sex, Lies & Videotape Kate Kendell on Prop 8

1 Out of 10

Mayor Slay Embraces Marriage Equality

Complimentary Copy

March, 2012

DearFriends,

Welcome to our first annual WEDDING Issue. Within these pages you will find thought provoking features, moving stories and a mayor for marriage equality. The Vital VOICE team has worked tirelessly to bring you a very special issue worthy of its theme. Some have questioned our choice of subject matter given that Missouri was one of the first states to pass a constitutional amendment banning same sex-marriage, but we think it’s long overdue. Thousands of area gay, lesbian or same-gender couples have tied the knot in some capacity from private, non-binding commitment ceremonies to legal unions in one of the 19 states or District of Columbia which have some form of lawful recognition of our relationships. My husband Kurt and I had been together for 12 years when we were legally married in Iowa on March 12, 2010. It remains one of the most moving days of my life and a reminder not only of our solemn commitment, but that the fight for equal treatment under the law continues. Since that day our home state of Illinois has passed civil unions and recognizes our Hawkeye State nuptials—and our marriage is legal in a dozen or so other progressive minded states. As I write, a federal appeals court has struck down California’s ban on marriage for same-sex couples (Proposition 8) and the case seems destined for its day at the Supreme Court. Indeed, these are exciting times we live in, but our work continues and the road to equality is far from over. In Pride,

Colin Murphy, Executive Editor

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March, 2012

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Volume 13, Issue 3

On the COVER:

Newlyweds David Drake and Harrison Roberts. Photography by Suzy Gorman.

The Vital VOICE Team

Darin Slyman Publisher/Editor-in-Chief dsly@thevitalvoice.com

Colin Murphy Executive Editor/Senior Writer colin_murphy@sbcglobal.net Joshua Barton Writer josh.barton49@gmail.com

22.

11.

Matt Jamieson Writer JamieMatt@gmail.com Jeff Kapfer Art Director JeffKapfer@gmail.com

48.

Leon Braxton/Dieta Pepsi Executive Assistant /On Air Hostess Dieta@thevitalvoice.com Jimmy Lesch Director of PR/Communications Jimmy@thevitalvoice.com Janae Johnson Business Assistant vv@thevitalvoice.com

Contributors

Writing: A.J. Bockelman, Rachel McCalla, Greg Harris & Chris Andoe Photography: Alex Galindo, Tim Brenner, Colin Murphy, Cameron Harrol, Suzy Gorman, Scott Lokitz, White-Klump Wedding Photography, L’Photographie, Kate Kendell, Amy Gill & Carrie Province

Advisory Board

William A. Donius, Thom Halter, Colin Murphy, Jay Perez, Pam Schneider, Kellie Trivers, Sharon Tucci.

Contact

Vital VOICE Magazine. 4579 Laclede Ave #268. Saint Louis, MO 63108 VitalVOICEmag@gmail.com 314.256.1196

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March, 2012

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8. Online @theVitalVOICE.com 11. Mayor Slay. 17. Political Voice. 20. Sex, Lies & Videotape. 22. Faith, Hope & Love. 27. What’s that Smell? 28. Wedding Proposals. 31. The Q Quide. 32. The Battleground. 35. Cocktail of the Month. 36. Announcements. 38. Dishin’ With Dieta. 40. Moving to Marriage Equality in Illinois. 43. Destination Iowa. 46. Playdates. 48. Scene & Styling. Vital VOICE is printed on recycled newspaper and uses soy ink for a 100% recyclable product.

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Tim “Grandma” Craddock Dies

Longtime bar owner, community leader and all around character, Tim “Grandma” Craddock died in the early morning hours of Jan. 31, 2012 in St. Louis following a battle with cancer. He was 63. Grandma was omnimpresent on the St. Louis LGBT bar scene since the late 1960s. He tended bar at Bob Martin’s, The Bijou and The Brass Keys in Centreville, Ill. He was part owner of The Silly Goose and The 601Club and owned and operated Rainbow’s End and later, Grandma’s Rainbow’s End.

Claire-ity: Queering Identity

Fresh of her return from this year’s Creating Change conference in Baltimore, featured columnist Claire Louise Swinford explores the queering of our identity: Because so many of us carry a notion of identity, of what it means to be gay, or lesbian, or trans* and we merrily apply it not just to ourselves, but to everyone in our lives, and indeed the entire world. This, to be honest, is exclusionary and unfair. The prime tenant of Queer ethos is very simply—be who you are, love who you are and allow others the same privilege.

Mr. Missouri Leather 2012

The 29th annual, Mr. Missouri Leather 2012 will be the weekend of March 2–4, with all events taking place at JJ’s Clubhouse in St. Louis, Missouri. Sponsored by Gateway Motorcycle Club since 1983, this event is one of the longest running annual Leather contests in the country that is sponsored by a single club. The newly sashed Mr. Missouri Leather 2012 will receive a sponsorship to IML 2012, $100, a title sash and much more.

Domestic Partnerships in Clayton

On Jan. 24, the city of Clayton’s Board of Aldermen introduced and passed an ordinance to create a domestic partner registry for the city. Clayton is the 3rd Municipality in St. Louis County to create a domestic partner registry and will join Saint Louis City, Kansas City, Columbia, Jackson County, University City, and Olivette as municipalities in Missouri that have registries for same-sex and opposite-sex couples.

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1 O ut of 10 Ain’t Bad! A LOOK INTO LGBT LIFE - PAST & PRESENT

Written by Colin Murphy – Senior Writer/Editor Photography by Cameron Harral & Scott Lokitz

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had the honor of participating in the first onthe-record LGBT interview with St. Louis Mayor Francis G. Slay for Vital VOICE in 2002. The cover story hit the streets around the one year anniversary of his taking office on April 17, 2001, and in rereading that feature, it’s clear that our community has had a staunch advocate in Slay from the very start. Still, one issue proved problematic. His Honor did not support full marriage equality, but rather the compromise of domestic partnerships. He went on to admit, like many politicians of the day, that it was the word “marriage” that was the hang up. But on Jan. 20, 2012 the prolific “tweeter” surprised many when he posted via Twitter that he had signed on to Mayor’s for the Freedom to Marry. Mayor Slay, who is eyeing an historic fourth-term, has a stellar record on LGBT equality. Whether expanding the City’s Domestic Partnership Registry or signing St. Louis’ all-inclusive non-discrimination ordinance his record speaks for itself. What follows is my exclusive interview with Mayor Slay on the subject of LGBT rights and his journey to embracing full marriage equality. Colin Murphy: Tell us about Mayors for the Freedom to Marry—what is it and how did it come to be? Mayor Francis Slay: It’s something that was put forward by the United States Conference of Mayors. Antonio Villaraigosa, the mayor of Los Angeles, is the president of the Conference of Mayors and he really started the initiative to try to get some momentum nationally (which I thought was a great idea) to get some mayors on board around the country. So it really came from Antonio Villaraigosa and the 12 | March, 2012

Executive Committee of the Conference of Mayors to do this. Certainly it came to my attention and I was happy to come on board. I think it’s a great idea. CM: What message do you think it sends to have mayors from cities large and small across the country coming together around this issue? FS: I think most importantly it shows the broad base of support of people from large and small cities in states from all over the country. We’re on the ground, we’re with people every day, we know what’s important to the people we represent and it sends a message that there’s a broad base of support. I’m tremendously proud of the large and vibrant and engaged lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender community of St. Louis. The fact that they have decided to live here, work here, visit here, have fun here—really does enrich our city. It makes it better and enriches our lives, really. It’s a matter of fairness and equality and I think that as a mayor, it’s good economics to support healthy and happy families. I think that’s an important part of it. CM: Could you talk about your personal journey on the issue of marriage equality. I remember when I first interviewed you 10 years ago you weren’t quite there. FS: I stood years ago with my [openly gay] siblings on the steps of City Hall and stood on the steps of the Old Court House [following California’s Prop. 8 vote] and called for fairness. When Illinois passed the civil unions law I expressed my support for that. I was at a press conference in 2004 and proudly stood against the state’s constitutional amendment that banned

same-sex marriage and we were the only community in the state of Missouri, as I’m told, that defeated that. I’m proud of our city’s involvement in supporting LGBT families and people in the city. We have a Domestic Partnership Registry, we also have benefits for domestic partners [of city employees], we have an anti-discrimination law that is all-inclusive and includes gender identity. So we’ve done pretty much what we can in terms of what state law allows. But I no longer believe that’s enough. When I saw more states allowing gay marriages, I came to believe that it’s just the best way to go. Being

half-way and talking about it around the edges—I’ve always been supportive of the LGBT community and I’ve always supported them and always appreciated them. But I think the maximum amount of appreciation we can show is marriage equality. So I’m a believer—I think it’s going to be quite some time before the state of Missouri comes around, but I’m seeing more and more states embracing the idea and I think that’s what it’s going to take. I think ultimately we’re going to see every state in the union have same-sex marriages, and I think by me getting on board and other mayors across the country it will help advance

that agenda a lot quicker throughout the country and here locally. CM: Last year Advocate magazine ranked St. Louis among its Top 10 Gayest Cities. What can we do to build on that—whether bringing LGBT conventions to town or LGBT tourism or encouraging LGBTers to move to our city and build homes, families and businesses? FS: I have to tell you, that’s a good idea and a great question. I’m certainly open

to all kinds of ideas because I want to do everything we can and certainly this is one thing (to have a government that’s really friendly and supports diversity and equality). I think that’s a really important thing and we’re doing everything we can to support LGBT operated and gay friendly businesses.

We’re open to ideas. I think having a city that welcomes everyone for what they can offer is just a more welcoming community, a more vibrant community and it’s a community that is more sustainable long term. A close-minded approach doesn’t work.

We have and I participate in the region’s largest PrideFest and I try to do everything I can to show support, and if there’s LGBT conventions interested in St. Louis, I’m more than happy to support that.

CM: You referenced your family earlier—how has having openly gay siblings helped you to better understand LGBT issues?

FS: It’s pretty simple. These are individuals that I love and respect and have grown up with my entire life and you really understand first hand that there’s really no difference. People are people and we’re capable of loving and having relationships and contributing to the community and family and we all have something to offer. So for me, it’s just real simple. I think having gay siblings and being close to someone who is LGBT really does bring that point home very clearly and very effectively. v theVitalVOICE.com | 13

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Political VOICE Vital Politics

Written by A.J. Bockelman Photography by Colin Murphy We know your story, but do others? Leadership has its risks and putting your sentiments out there is often easier said than done. How far are you willing to go? What will you do to achieve full legal equality within our lifetime? As I’ve traveled around the state, and at times the country, on behalf of PROMO, I’ve heard your stories. They are often empowering, like the story of an energetic and youthful 60 year old lesbian, happily named Emma Missouri. We met at the recent Task Force Creating Change Conference. She told me her story of struggles as she grew up in a rural area outside of Springfield where she was married and started a family. Eventually she came out and left the state. She now lives in Brooklyn, NY, and works with progressive Jewish congregations on a multitude of social justice causes. Emma’s story touched me because she had overheard a conversation between Sherrill Wayland of SAGE. of Metro St. Louis and me about LGBT health disparities and what we’re trying to do to address the challenges. Emma was incredibly excited and moved to hear that so many positive things were going on in her home state, because Missouri is now a vastly different state than the one she remembered. However, I also know the other side of that coin. Emma’s bliss at hearing the positive side is counteracted by the stark reality I know much of our community still faces. Bar none, the toughest task faced by the staff and volunteers at PROMO on an all-tooregular basis is the phone call from the young lesbian fired from her job; the older man who is told his partner can no longer visit him in the nursing home; or the transgender individual who has been turned away yet again from the most basic of services. These stories are difficult and painful; but many of us in the community have experienced them first hand. We need each of you, whether you have a story of strength, understanding and compassion; or a story of hardship, theVitalVOICE.com | 17

challenges and frustration to give voice to your story in Jefferson City. This is one immediate way in which you make a difference. This effort doesn’t take place just during Equality Day at the Capitol – in fact, I have made the commitment to live in Jefferson City during the entire legislative session. With this, I am extending an offer to anyone who wants to visit the Capitol to come down to Jefferson City with me. Your stories help connect and make tangible the support for the Missouri Nondiscrimination Act (MONA – which adds sexual orientation and gender identity into the State Human Rights Statute) and the Safe Schools bill (requiring an enumerated list of students often targeted for bullying, training of teachers and administrators along with a reporting requirement back to the State). Even though our main day at the Capitol took place in February, you can still make a difference. Each year too, we get closer to our goal of passing these bills. We admit it’s an uphill battle in a tough state. However, despite those odds, we’ve managed to grow the number of elected officials signing on to co-sponsor the bills, push the bills through committee hearings, and even have initial votes on the floor of the House. It is a long, hard fight, but we are advancing every round with your help. Visit us at our newly redesigned website to keep up to date, get connected and make your voice heard. www.PROMOOnline.org.

The MO LGBT Caucus: Sen. Jolie Justus, Rep. Mike Colona & Rep. Jeanette Mott Oxford

A.J. Bockelman is Executive Director for PROMO, Missouri’s statewide LGBT advocacy group. This bi-monthly column will explore the LGBT political world and he hopes that you will join him in that exploration. If you would like to provide feedback or get further information, feel free to contact him at AJBockelman@PROMOonline.org. v

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Sex, Lies & Videotape: Kate Kendell on Prop 8 Written by Chris Andoe Photography by Kendell Collection

“The gay agenda includes legalizing sex with children.” “Homosexuals are 12 times more likely to molest children than heterosexuals.” “Unless Prop 8 passes other states will fall into Satan’s hands.”

–From the Prop 8 Transcripts

February 2004 was an exciting yet ominous time for proponents of marriage equality. On one hand the Supreme Court of Massachusetts had cleared the way for same sex-marriage, on the other there was a 180 day waiting period before those marriages could take place—and George W. Bush made fighting same-sex marriage the centerpiece of his State of the Union address. Kate Kendell, the Executive Director of The National Center for Lesbian Rights, was watching all of this play out from San Francisco when she received a call from Steve Kawa, the chief of staff for the city’s newly elected mayor, Gavin Newsom. Kawa cut to the chase: “On Monday Newsom will being issuing wedding licenses to same-sex couples”. His team wanted her legal advice on how to proceed. “I was shocked and at first told him he shouldn’t do it!” Kendell remembered. Kawa quietly listened to her concerns and when she was finished said, “Well, we’re going to do this next week.” After that initial hesitation she jumped right in. “I thought, well, this is cute. A couple hundred people will get married…but we had well over six thousand,” Kendell recalled. “If you remember the weather was awful—torrential rains—but people 20 | March, 2012

were lined up around the block. They were flying in from around the world. The city was electric, and it felt like a small town, like everyone knew each other and loved each other.” The next eight years have been a wild ride in California filled with exhilarating victories and devastating losses. In March 2004, the California Supreme Court issued a stay ordering San Francisco to stop performing same-sex marriages pending court review. That August the court ruled that San Francisco had exceeded its authority by issuing the licenses and declared all same-sex marriages performed to be void. On May 15, 2008, the Supreme Court of California struck down the existing statutes limiting marriage to opposite-sex couples in a 4-3 ruling. Same-sex marriage was legal in California beginning on June 16, 2008. (Marriages performed during the legal period, including Kendell’s, are still legally recognized). Meanwhile opponents of marriage equality, largely backed by the Mormon Church which saw California as a lynchpin, had gathered enough signatures to put a constitutional amendment on the November ballot: Proposition 8. Kendell was one of the Principal Officers on the “No on 8” Executive Committee, and was no stranger to the Mormons she was fighting. “I grew up Mormon in Utah” she began. “There are no ‘Cafeteria Mormons’. When the General Authority tells people to do something, they do it. The church pushed their members to spend their time and treasure on Prop 8. I’d say 80% of Prop 8’s core volunteers were Mormon.” Going into election night Kendell knew it was going to be close. Some polls had Prop 8 going down by a few points while most had it winning by a few. (Prop 8 won 52% to 48%.) “We were all elated about Obama but

were just devastated about Prop 8,” she said of the surreal nigh. “It was like winning a million dollars and being told your parent just died—absolutely devastating grief. Although I went back to work, it was a full six months before I was back to normal”. Proposition 8 was soon challenged in state court with opponents arguing that the Constitution did not allow voters to rescind fundamental constitutional rights at the ballot box. The Court upheld Prop 8, but made clear that the decision was not a ruling about whether there should be a right to marry in California. Rather, it was a ruling about whether the wording of the California Constitution permits the voters to pass Proposition 8 and thereby limit the right to marry. Pro-equality advocates then appealed to the 9th Circuit—and by all accounts the trial was a complete circus. Backers of Prop 8 only called two witnesses; right-wing activists both of whom relied on the writings of disgraced and discredited Professor George Reker for their testimony. Reker, a Baptist minister who believes homosexuality is a sin that can be cured, made headlines when he was found traveling around Europe with a 20-year-old Puerto Rican he hired from Rentboy.com. “When faced with the rules of evidence they [Prop 8 backers] had nothing to support their arguments,” offered Kendell. “It was a devastating show of force on our side—we had a mountain of evidence next to their anthill”. Judge Walker struck down Prop 8 as unconstitutional, but a stay was ordered pending review by the full 9th Circuit. Prop 8 backers fought and won to keep the humiliating tapes of the trial from being released, arguing that LGBT people would retaliate against their witnesses. Still transcripts are publicly available and Academy Award Winning Screenwriter Dustin Lance Black has turned them into a Broadway play simply titled “8”. The show moves to Los Angeles this month with a star studded cast including George Clooney, Martin Sheen, Jamie Lee Curtis, and George Takei. Kendell correctly anticipated the 9th Circuit affirming the decision to strike down Prop 8 and predicts the case will go to the U.S. Supreme Court. If they don’t take the case— Prop 8 will be history. “What the Supreme Court would do is a close call,” she concludes “I believe and hope that there would be a majority of votes on the high court to uphold the 9th Circuit and kill off Prop 8 once and for all.” v

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22 | March, 2012

Faith, Hope & Love Written by Matt Jamieson Photography by Darin Slyman

or Harrison Roberts and David Drake it was love at third wheel.

The two met in October 2007 at Showtune Tuesday at the Loading Zone, both the designated drivers for their groups of friends. â&#x20AC;&#x153;Neither of us had drinks, we were both twiddling our thumbs,â&#x20AC;? Harrison recalled. The two migrated towards each other and ended up talking.

theVitalVOICE.com | 23

“We had no one else to talk to and sparked up a conversation that lasted the whole night,” David said. “We exchanged numbers and went on a date two days later.” What started as a casual conversation blossomed into a relationship after just two weeks of dating. In 2009, Harrison moved to Chicago, but quickly moved back. “David had come up several times to visit. One of the reasons I moved back so soon was because being up in Chicago I saw so many people, but no one I wanted to be with,” Harrison said. “After I moved back, it put the thought in my head that I only wanted to be with David.” Less than a year later, Harrison planned to propose to David, trying to be sneaky about picking out rings. “My brother has been engaged for years, and suddenly decided he wanted to go ring shopping and get it fitted,” Harrison said. “I convinced him to ask David if he wanted to go with him, so I could find out his ring size.” The surprise began to seem too obvious to David. “To make sure the ring fit, he made me put my hand behind my back [and] tested it on my finger,” David said. Everything came together when Harrison and David traveled to Tampa, Florida to visit Harrison’s mom and family. “I knew he had the rings, and that was pretty much when he was going to propose,” David said. “I didn’t know if he had a set time or if it was going to be spontaneous.” On July 19, 2010, their last day of the trip, on a bright sunny day under a cloudy blue sky the two took a walk 24 | March, 2012

on the conveniently named Honeymoon Beach. “He found this secluded spot that had a bench, and proposed to me,” David said. After the proposal, Harrison and David wanted to get married soon, but with samesex marriage banned in Missouri, talks began to shift to somewhere out of state. “We knew we were going to have a destination wedding, so we wanted to give our families enough time to prepare,” Harrison said. “So we pushed it off until we had to nail down the date. So we said why not October, because that was the month we had first got together anyway.” The two decided on Washington D.C. - which had legalized same-sex marriage in January 2011, but were surprised to find how complicated the process is just to file the paperwork to get married. “The official websites are very vague. The way they make it sound, you have to go there because there’s a three-day waiting period on the paperwork,” Harrison explained. “The day you file and the day you get it don’t count. So you have to be there for five days, just to get the marriage application. It makes it sound like you have to be in D.C. for at least 10 days.” Harrison and David then found the website of Tiffany Newman, a civil wedding officiant and wedding planner in D.C. “Her website was very clear, she was very reasonable,” Harrison said. “She had our paperwork processed before we got there. She took our marriage application back to the courthouse for us. The only thing we had to do was show up and get married.”

Newman and her husband are an interracial couple and marched in the 2009 National Equality March where she got positive feedback for a sign reading “My Marriage Was Once Illegal Too.” “It’s one of the reasons I liked her website. She knows what it feels like to be a second-class citizen so it definitely meant something being married by her,” Harrison said. The day of the wedding, October 1, 2011, was a cloudy, rainy one - which scrapped the planned outdoor locale and forcing Tiffany’s backup plan - her office at the Dupont Business Circle Incubator. Once the ceremony started, the grooms absorbed as much as they could. “The first thing I thought was, ‘Wow this is actually happening, we’re standing here, we’re going through with this,’” David said. “All the ups and downs that a relationship has, you don’t realize that you’re potentially going to get to that point, and I’m looking into his eyes, and he’s tearing up which is making me tear up. It was just a great few minutes of my life, the best.” “I remember thinking, ‘Just soak everything in because I’m going to have this moment for the rest of my life and ‘Try not to cry’,” Harrison said. “My face was so red, and I was going to cry even if I wasn’t trying not to.” After the ceremony, the newly married couple had an intimate dinner at Buca Di Beppo, and the location had a few surprises up its sleevethe room was Pope Benedictthemed, one of the most anti-gay popes to date. “There’s literally a bust of him in the table, so I had them cover it with cloths because I didn’t want to look at him

while we were eating.” Harrison recalled. “We put the wedding cake in front of it,” David joked. Upon their return to St. Louis, Harrison and David have become pseudo-celebrities within the LGBT community because of their marriage and wedding. “I didn’t realize how big it was until working a normal shift [at Just John’s] and had someone come up to me and say, ‘You just got married right? I just want to know how much of an inspiration that is for me, it’s just out there for everyone to see and we got to share in your wedding,” Harrison said. “That was the biggest compliment anyone could give us; that they felt like they were there with us.” The future looks bright for these newlyweds - Harrison is starting a new full time job, and the two are looking for a new apartment. As for expanding their family the topic of children has come up multiple times. “We’ve thought about that, we have had conversations on different avenues to take,” David said. A trip to Michigan for the funeral of Harrison’s greatgrandmother brought the topic up again. “You get reminded how important family is, and it made us realize we want to start a family,” Harrison said. But no matter what, no matter what life brings for this truly happy couple, they wouldn’t do anything differently. “We have so many milestones together, so many stories, so many romantic moments,” Harrison said “I can’t imagine changing anything.” v

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26 | March, 2012

What’s That SMELL? Why We Love Smelly Things Candles Written by Joshua Barton Photography by Carrie Province

e all have hobbies that take our minds off our daily work and family grinds, but for Thomas Fortenberry that hobby is pretty unique. “Some people may think it’s weird but when I have downtime I make candles,” he says with a grin. “Some people do yoga or go to the gym but for me making candles is what relaxes me.” Fortenberry has taken his niche hobby and turned it into a growing business with his Smelly Things Candle Company. The campy name came from a best friend when Fortenberry started the company in 2004 and somehow managed to stick. “People said it was a horrible idea and it wouldn’t last but it has been eight years and people still know our name.” The business venture started when Fortenberry began experimenting with home fragrances in body lotions, sprays and soaps that he would give to family and friends as gifts. He says the feedback he got was incredible and eventually everyone was asking for candles. Today, the company carries 80 plus fragrances in three different lines: Seasonal, Tranquility and Home. Seasonal scents are themed around holidays with flavors like pumpkin spice, mulberry and balsam fir. The Home line carries scents like fresh linen, clean cotton and black coffee, while Tranquility draws a more Feng Shui vibe with smells like white tea and ginger, tobacco leaf, and teak and sandalwood. Buyers can customs make the candles by

choosing both their desired scent palate and wax color. “I then hand make every order that comes through,” Fortenberry says. “The manufacturing process took a lot of trial and error to begin with. You have to have the right formula with an exact ratio of oil to wax for the candle to work.” His inventory includes wax melts, tea lights, 5oz. and 10oz. candles. The candles are made from soy wax, allowing his Smelly Things to burn cleaner and longer than paraffin candles. The growth and success of Smelly Things can be largely attributed to the power of social media and word of mouth according to Fortenberry. “In the beginning it was really hard because people are so used to buying cheap candles from Wal-Mart,” he says. “But we used word of mouth and now strangers will come up to me and say, ‘You’re the Smelly Things guy?!’ It makes me feel really good that I can make people happy with my products.” And the craziest request he’s ever had for a candle? “The strangest request for a scent I got was for a Clorox and Pine-Sol scented candle! The client wanted the house to smell like it had just been cleaned and disinfected!” Smelly, indeed. You can buy Smelly Things online at www.smellythings. biz or in St. Louis at boutiques like Rue Lafayette in Lafayette Square or Coiffures by Shawn in the Central West End. v

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28 | March, 2012

This section sponsored by TM

Wedding Proposals

Six Tips to Prepare You For The Big Day Written by Rachel McCalla, Wedding and Events Director at Lucky You Productions Photography by White-Klump Wedding Photography & L’Photographie

nce the excitement of a recent engagement has worn off, the first thought for many is, “Where do I even begin?” For the average couple, planning a wedding or civil ceremony and a reception is overwhelming, and even a bit scary. Wedding magazines can help, but in many cases they’re mind-boggling, and sometimes unrealistic.

Here are six essential tips to get you started on the planning that will make your wedding a fantastic experience!

Tip #1 (And Most Important): Remember to breathe.

Tip #3 Keep it simple.

Sure, not every aspect of your planning experience will be heavenly. A vendor may not call you back or a venue may be booked. That’s okay. Take a break for a few minutes, a few hours or even a few days. Go for a long walk with your partner. Take a nap. Go to a yoga class and breathe. Don’t forget to ask for help.

Often in planning and shopping around, you’ll see many breathtaking examples of favors or flower arrangements. Although beautiful, what you see may be unrealistic for your time frame and budget. After drafting a budget, sit down with your partner and brainstorm how you see your wedding as a couple. Literally. When you close your eyes, how does your ceremony look? Will it be in a church with a string quartet, or in a park with an acoustic guitar player? What kind of reception do you want: cocktails and heavy hors d’oeuvres, or a formal sit-down dinner with a live band? After you both decide what you want, focus on your vision while researching and planning. Take time to map out details like décor elements or a color scheme. Stay true to your vision and don’t be tempted by those awe-inspiring photographs.

Tip #2 Start with a solid budget and a rough guest list. Boring, right? Well unfortunately, this is the foundation for every well planned wedding. Big tip here: steer clear of wedding magazine advice. They always suggest you run and find a ceremony and reception venue first. Wrong! How can you book a venue when you don’t know how many people you’re inviting or how much you can spend? Talk to everyone that’s going to assist financially with the entire wedding. Then, figure out how many people you’re going to invite and begin working on a budget. Take into consideration that your reception will typically be about 45% to 50% of your entire budget. Move the money around to fit your needs. Definitely get at least two (to three) bids from vendors in each category and never be ashamed to ask for a discount.

Tip #4 Put together a timeline. A good timeline is a must. Once you establish one, try your best to stay on target. Many magazines and wedding websites have timelines that break down to-do items into months and these are wonderful tools. Try to get as much as you can done before the week of your ceremony. In fact, try to convince yourself and everyone around you that the wedding is actually a week earlier. Many couples leave last-minute details like programs and seating until the week of the wedding. Seriously, don’t do this. You’ll regret it.

Tip #5 Don’t sweat the small stuff, especially tradition. Anxious about having non-traditional elements within your wedding and reception? Don’t be. Just remember to do what’s right for you and your partner. We recently did a wedding for a samesex couple and instead of bouquets, the women in the wedding party were given live flower “brooches” made out of white orchids for little clutch purses the couple gave as gifts. They even got the girls hair pieces as well. You don’t have to follow every tradition to the tee. Make the day about you and your partner.

Tip #6 Hire a day-of coordinator. Your wedding may be the biggest party you’ll ever have so when it comes to the big day, do you really want to be the go-to person answering questions and keeping everyone on time? A day-of coordinator will act as your buffer for the day. Before the wedding, a coordinator will work with you on a day-of schedule and contact all your vendors ahead of time to ensure arrivals, set-ups, activities, departures and payments. Hiring a day-of coordinator will allow you to focus on your fiancé, friends, family and the experience. More importantly, they will be there if anything happens to go wrong. Hiring a day-of coordinator is not that expensive and completely worth it. Trust me. v theVitalVOICE.com | 29

30 | March, 2012

IRISH BREWS

Written by Josh Barton Photography by Tim Brenner

Porterhouse Brewing Oyster Stout This stout is black as oil and gets its name from its unique barrel process where actual oysters are thrown into the beer barrels. The nose picks up a bold milk chocolate aroma. On the taste buds, the stout is much more complex as it begins with a burnt coffee taste, double cream, nutty woods and eventually a savory saltiness at the end. Goes down smooth with just the right amount of bite. Not suitable for vegetarians.

Everyone has a little Irish in them....well maybe not everyone, but it sure seems like it during the raucous celebrations of St. Patrick’s Day. The holiday occurs every year on March 17th and is a religious feast day in honor of Saint Patrick where Irish Catholics would take a tiny break from Lent to feast and drink. The first St. Patrick’s Day parade took place on March 17th, 1762 in New York City when troops of Irish soldiers in the British Army paraded through the city to celebrate their heritage and cultural identities and has since become an internationally celebrated holiday. The day has also had its share of queer controversy with many major cities like Boston and New York actively excluding LGBTQ Irish groups from marching in their parades citing it as a “private, religious procession”. We say BOLLOCKS to that and encourage you to wave those rainbow shamrocks out and proud. To assist you, we’ve come up with a list of Irish beers to fuel those impending Leprechaun booty calls. You can find these Irish brews and more at: Randall’s Wines and Spirits, 1910 South Jefferson, St. Louis.

McSorley’s Irish Pale Ale A bright red beer with a mixed aroma of citrus, earthy hops and pine tones. On the palate, the beer brings out the citrus notes of orange, grapefruit and lemon first on the tongue then melts into a malty sweetness of the malt and hops that finishes crisp and refreshing.

Murphy’s Irish Red Ale This beer pours with a deep, rich amber color and gives off a sweet, malty butterscotch and caramel smell. The body is a much like a classic amber ale with a big, semi-sweet crystal malt beginning and lots of hops trailing down. Overall, smooth and malty with a mild bitterness.

Smithwick’s The color is a clear, reddish-brown and with a large cream colored head. The aroma is stuffed with toasted malts, dark bread and caramel with a hint of hops at the end. It feels smooth and creamy on the tongue with lots of roasted malt at the start. The taste gradually goes from caramel and toffee notes to dark bread and finally faint hops.

Porterhouse Brewing XXX Wrasslers A black dry stout that pours with a tan head that is there to stay. Strong scents of creamy malts and coffee with a robust palate of espresso, roasted malts, a slight note of vanilla and Licorice at the finish. Very dry with a long, bitter finish.

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32 | March, 2012

THE BATTLEGROUND:

State by State Look at Marriage Equality

Written by Joshua Barton

ight now, marriage equality across the United States resembles a proverbial patchwork quilt. There are places where LGBT relationships are honored with the same legal rights as heterosexual couples and there are states where they have been banned outright (Missouri passed its own constitutional ban on same-sex marriages in 2004 by a popular vote). The situation mirrors the fight against anti-miscegenation laws across the country that ultimately ended in 1967 with a Supreme Court decision ruling such laws to be unconstitutional. Loving v. Virginia legalized interracial marriages across the country and today, LGBTers face the same legal battles for full equality. Here is our battleground.

Full Marriage Equality: Massachusetts (2004) Connecticut (2009) Iowa (2009) Vermont (2009) New Hampshire (2010) District of Columbia (2010) New York (2011) Washington (2012)

Same-Sex Civil Unions: California (2005) New Jersey (2007) Oregon (2008) Washington (2009) Nevada (2009) Rhode Island (2011) Illinois (2011) Hawaii (2012) Delaware (2012)

Limited Domestic Partnership Recognition: Maine (2009) Wisconsin (2009) Colorado (2011)

State Bans on Gay Marriage: Wyoming (1901), Maryland (1973), North Carolina (1996), Pennsylvania (1996), Minnesota (1997), Indiana (1997), Alaska (1998), West Virginia (2000), Utah (2004), Michigan (2004), Ohio (2004), Georgia (2004), Missouri (2004), Arkansas (2004), Louisiana (2004), Mississippi (2004), Kentucky (2004), Montana (2004), North Dakota (2004), Oklahoma (2004), Idaho (2004), Texas (2005), Kansas (2005), South Carolina (2006), Virginia (2006), Tennessee (2006), Alabama (2006), Nebraska (2006), South Dakota (2006), Florida (2008), Arizona (2008) *New Mexico, No applicable law - In February 2004, a Sandoval County clerk began giving out same-sex marriage licenses since New Mexico marriage law does not mention gender. By the end of the day, the state attorney general ruled the marriages were invalid. *Washington - The state of Washington is poised to become the eighth American jurisdiction to legalize same-sex marriage. At this writing, the state has passed the marriage bill through both the State House and Senate. The bill then goes on to Governor Chris Gregoire for her promised signature. Opponents have until June 6th to turn in 120,577 signatures to get a referendum of the measure on the November ballot. If they fail, same-sex couples could begin to be legally married once the signature count is done (most likely sometime in June.) If not, then the fate of same-sex marriage in Washington will be left to voters come November. *California â&#x20AC;&#x201C; On Feb. 7th, the U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals declared the stateâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Proposition 8 unconstitutional. The 2008 ballot initiative eliminated the rights of same-sex couples to marry. The case is expected to be appealed to the United States Supreme Court where a ruling could ultimately decide the fate of same-sex marriage nationwide. theVitalVOICE.com | 33

34 | March, 2012

cocktail

OF THE MONTH A Lush’s Guide to the Best Libations in Town.

The Perfect Wedding Cake Martini Written by Matt Jamieson Photography by Cameron Harral With our wedding issue, we wanted something that could be served at the open bar at a wedding. Something that could be light and fluffy like a bride’s wedding dress, but pack a little kick like a bridezilla! Luckily our friends at Subzero Vodka Bar came up with the perfect cocktail for us the Perfect Wedding Cake Martini. It starts off with about two ounces of Pearl Wedding Cake flavored vodka. After it’s carefully shaken (not stirred), the Wedding Cake is poured out, and topped off with a vanilla whipped cream foam (Not that aerosol stuff, cream that has been actually whipped and poured out onto the drinks) and chocolate flakes that float right on top of the vodka. The end result is a delicious cocktail version of a wedding staple with a smooth and sweet taste to it. Now how do we get the matching grooms on top of it? Subzero Vodka Bar 300 N. Euclid Ave, Central West End 314.367.1200

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Standing on Ceremony A generation from now same-sex marriages will be as numerous as they are commonplace. This is our prayer. But at this moment in time we are blazing a trail of equality one nuptial at a time. Whether across the river in Illinois or in the 20-some states and District of Columbia that offer some form of legal recognition of our queer families, thousands of area gay, lesbian or same-gender couples are saying â&#x20AC;&#x153;I do.â&#x20AC;? Join us in celebrating these truly inspirational community members.

MILLER HICKS Robyn Renee Miller and Rachelle Lizabeth Hicks will be civilly united on Feb. 24, 2012. The couple who reside in Bethalto Illinois credit POF.com for connecting them and want everyone knowing that love at first sight does exist! The two will marry in Edwardsville at the courthouse with their two boys in attendance.

HAEFNER MILLER Joseph C. Haefner and Gregg C. Miller announce with joy that on March 17, 2012 they will unite their hearts and join their families in a private civil union in Alton, Illinois.

SPITLER - GRIFFITH Stacey & Alison Spitler-Griffith were married on Feb. 18th, 2011in Iowa City, Iowa via the Show Me Marriage Equality Bus #8. Stacey is originally from Houston, TX and employed at The Studio in St. Louis. Alison is from St. Elmo, Ill. and is employed at Kraft Foods. The St. Louis couple are the proud parents of an adorable cat named Papi Fuzzypants Spitler-Griffith. 36 | March, 2012

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ed hors le, bite-siz appetizers ng si a is e rom ouch An amuse-b hey are different f m a menu, but ro T f . d e vr re u de d’oe ing to the y are not or in that the d, are done so accord served as when serve ction alone. These areds both to chef’s seleaser for the taste bu l and to offer a little te e guest for the meach to cooking. prepare th to the chef’s approa age and a glimpse in ate my Creole herit use-bouche So to celebr I have prepared amhes: red Mardi Gras, two classic Creole dis . versions of rice, and shrimp poorboy beans and e Guaranteed! Bon Appetit Total Time: 30 Red Beans & Rice • 1 lb Andouille sausag e • 4 green onions, cho pped

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minutes Ingredients

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Serves: 6

Shrimp Poorboy • 1 lb medium size shr imp (peeled & de-veined)

en) • 1 cup mixed spring • 1 bunch cilantro, cho greens pped • 1 small lemon • 1 small red onion, cho pped • 1 package Hawaiia • 1 can Glory Red Bean n Sweet Rolls s and Rice • 1 can Pam olive oil cooking spray • 1/3 cup Sriracha • 1/2 cup blackened spice • Salt and pepper •1/3 cup mayonnaise

Directions

Red Beans & Rice with Andouille Sausage Pat Andouille into 2” circles. Spray Pam in a large non stick skillet. Put andouille in skillet and cook 3 minutes on each side. Remove to a paper towel to drain. While andouille is cooking, put red beans & rice in a small saucepan, heat until warm. Add salt & pepper to taste. To assemble: start with andouille, then some cilantro. Top with small amount of red bans & rice. Add a few red onions, drizzle with Sriracha, top with green onions. Enjoy! Shrimp Poorboy Spray grill pan with Pam & then heat pan on medium heat. Season shrimp with all but 3 tablespoons of the blackened spice. Grill shrimp for 3 minutes on each side. Slice and toast Hawaiian Rolls. Dress greens with lemon juice. Mix mayonnaise & the reserved blackened spice to make a remoulade. To assemble: start with toasted Hawaiian Roll bottom, then some mixed greens, and 2 shrimp interlocked. Drizzle remoulade over shrimp. Top with green onions and one diced pimento (optional). Enjoy!

38 | March, 2012

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Moving to Marriage Equality in Illinois

are denied to their brother or sister. People explained how their children were put at risk by unequal treatment under the law. People clearly explained no one wanted special right, they wanted equal rights. And we won, despite powerful forces arrayed against us. This year for the first time, major public opinion polls show that over 50% of all Americans believe in marriage equality, and if you look at the historic trends, the arc of history is moving in the direction of fairness and equality, and it is moving quickly. This is not a coincidence. This is the direct result of LGBT people standing up for our equal rights and explaining how we are treated unfairly by laws about healthcare decision making, family law, estate law, pensions and other areas. It is a result of LGBT people standing up for fairness in cities and towns across our state, in their houses of worship, in their community organizations and with their elected officials.

Written by Illinois State Rep. Greg Harris Photography by Equality Illinois & Colin Murphy

llinois took a giant step toward full equality for LGBT last year when thousands of couples were united in civil unions. Their families were finally able to get legal recognition and protections for their relationships. As important as that step is, we still need to achieve full marriage equality in Illinois and across all 50 states, as well as repealing the federal DOMA law, which still relegates our relationships to less than equal. To get there, we should learn from history and remember its lessons. From the time that legislation was introduced in Illinois to prohibit discrimination against lesbian and gay people in housing, employment and public accommodation until it passed was nearly 30 years. From the time the first marriage equality bill was introduced until civil unions passed was close to 3 years. Clearly, public opinion has moved and evolved considerably as people across America agree that treating all people and all relationships as equal under the law is an important value.

At times it seems like there is so much work and so little progress….and that is where we need to keep the lessons of history and the changing

pace of public opinion in mind. Whether it has been the struggle for women’s suffrage, the struggle for civil rights, the struggle for recognition of This change in public opinion and the votes of lawmakers didn’t interracial marriages or the struggle for LGBT equality, the happen because of big media, or powerful organizations or key word is the same: struggle. effective campaign strategies. It happened because in every They call it a struggle for a one of the 177 House and Senate districts in Illinois LGBT reason. It is hard work; it takes people took the message of equality for their families to their legislators. The parents and grandparents of LGBT people asked time to achieve results. There are times we take two steps forward their neighbors why their straight child should have rights that 40 | March, 2012

and then one step back….but we continue to work and fight. The Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King said “The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice.” Just remember…arcs don’t bend themselves. Justice requires average citizens to stand up and speak for equality, write their local newspapers about their equality, educate their neighbors about equality, and educate their lawmakers about equality and demand that they vote for equality. Think about what you can do in your city or town, your organization, your workplace or among your friends to carry the message of equality. There are always many hills to climb, but never forget the process we have made and the trajectory of success. Remember that it is not up to advocacy organizations, or legal groups, or not-for-profits to change the hearts and minds of people. It is the work we each do every day among our families and friends, our neighbors and coworkers, and among those we worship with to always stand proudly for equal treatment. To speak our own truth, and explain how inequality and injustice hurt us and hurt our families. To explain that equal justice and

equal treatment under the law begin at home! On Feb. 8th, The Religious Freedom and Marriage Fairness Act which would grant full marriage equality to same sex-couples in The Land of Lincoln was filed by out Illinois Representatives Greg Harris, Deborah Mell, and Kelly Cassidy. v

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Destination Iowa: Hotel Blackhawk Written by Matt Jamieson Photography by Alise Oâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;Brien

theVitalVOICE.com | 43

ith same-sex marriage legal just to the north of Missouri in Iowa, the hunt for the perfect place to stay could be a daunting task for any couple looking to say their “I dos.” Luckily there is a perfect destination that is welcoming to all couples, right in the heart of Iowa. The Hotel Blackhawk, located in Davenport, Iowa, is one of the most beautiful locations in the Midwest. The location is owned by St. Louisan Amy Gill and her husband, who bought the hotel in the fall of 2009. From the very start Amy and her husband had LGBT clientele in mind. “We decided to go up to Iowa, because the people there were really cool with everything taking place,” Gill said, referring to the passage of same-sex marriage, earlier in 2009. The two guided the hotel through a massive restoration before reopening in 2010 for business. The new hotel boasts a bowling alley, full cafe, restaurant as well as a business center, premier spa, and heated indoor pool.

March, 2012

And for those wishing to get married in Iowa, you’re in luck. Hotel Blackhawk has hosted several weddings, and is more than happy to do so. “We do all kinds of events here, and we do Pride events all year,” Gill said. Since its restoration, the hotel has become a travel destination for those in Davenport. It was rated one of Out magazine’s top five gay wedding destinations in the United States, and was recently featured in AAA’s Midwest Living magazine. They have also had the honor of having President Obama stay at the hotel. Plans are also being set in motion for a centennial celebration for the hotel in 2013, but for now, every guest that enters the Hotel Blackhawk will meet with an amazing experience and even more amazing customer service. “We’re really proud of everything we’ve accomplished,” Gill says. “But we still remain committed to providing excellent service to our guests, no matter what.” For more information, visit Hotel Blackhawk’s website at hotelblackhawk.com

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PLAYD/a/tes

Welcome to the Play Dates section of Vital VOICE. Each month the VV team will select a number of signature events to keep on your radar. For a complete list of all vital happening in St. Louis log onto thevitalvoice.com/events. To submit your next event, simply email vv@thevitalvoice.com with event name, date, location and a 20-word description.

March 1-31 609 Eastgate Ave, Delmar Loop, St.Louis, MO 63130

Hiro/609 is giving back to the LGBT community of St. Louis the whole month of March! 10% of all proceeds in March will be going to the LGBT Center of St. Louis. But that’s not all. A Cocktail of the Month is being named in after our own Dieta Pepsi - the Dirty Dieta, and for every purchase of this cocktail, $1 will be donated to the LGBT Center, and Southern Comfort will match every dollar. For more information, visit www.hirostl.com

8 17 1 3

Wanda Sykes

March 8 Peabody Opera House, 1400 Market St., St. Louis, MO, 63103

Get ready to laugh with the hilarious stand-up of Wanda Sykes. Named one of the top 25 people in America by Entertainment Weekly, Sykes has tackled topics of being black and gay, aging, and living under the first black president, and more of the same is expected as she makes her way to St. Louis. The event takes places at the beautiful Peabody Opera House. Tickets range from $37 to $72. For more information, please visit www. peabodyoperahouse.com.

St. Patrick’s Day

March 17 Dogtown and Downtown St. Louis

Erin go bragh! Join in the fun and debauchery as everyone goes a little Irish! With the holiday falling on a Saturday, this year you have your pick of fun with the Ancient Order of Hibernians parade in Dogtown or the 43rd Annual St. Patrick’s Parade downtown. For those wanting a little less beer with their day, consider joining the 34th Michelob ULTRA St. Patrick’s Day Parade Run, starting on Broadway just outside Busch Stadium.

Gateway Men’s Chorus presents “Our Song” March 31 The 560 Music Center 560 Trinity Ave, University City, MO, 63130

The Gateway Men’s Chorus continues the celebration of their 25th anniversary with their “Our Song” show. The show will celebrate the original songs and arrangements commissioned by the group over the past 25 years. In addition, a wide variety of songs from a Wizard of Oz medley to a performance of Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way”. Tickets range between $20 and $25. For more information, visit www.gmcstl.org

46 | March, 2012

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48|

March, 2012

Scene Styling

OtterSpace Things were hot and heavy at the Thaxton Speakeasy on Feb. 11 for Hearts on Fire party presented by OtterSpace and Vital VOICE. The pre-Valentineâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Day dance party took over the place, with three floors to get down and boogie to the smooth sounds of DJs Adrian Fox and Harry Cross. If that wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t enough to get you all hot and bothered, there was plenty of the moonshine cocktails on hand and the wonderfully sexy gogo boys from RedStar Entertainment to keep you occupied the whole night. facebook.com/314otterspace

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March, 2012