Issue 09

A-TO DA-D A L E PENITENTARY

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4 7 0 0 M e d f o r d D r. Compton, SO-CAL 2 2 0 0 3

LAS AB T misleading t h e A t o m s s i n c e 1901

911 555- 6969

ADAM’S GOES PLATINUM

Find out what the man behind the blast does on his weekend

Former football coach, Dick Adams, signs a recording contract with Eminem’s label, Shady Productions.

Today’s Weatha’ Volcanic eruption will cause a 100% chance of pain

107º hi /-02º low

4.333

3x1=?

WEEKEND WITH WEINTRAUT

foreseen by a colorful flamboyant peacock

WHAT’S POPPIN’ Administrators shoot down plans to transform library into Internet cafe Despite a desperate need to find ways to increase library usage, administrators turned down assistant principal Brandon Cooley’s attempts to transform the library into an Internet cafe. Cooley pushed the idea hoping that he could get rid of his reputation as the most disliked staff member and knock out his biggest competition, heart-throb science teacher Chriis Segaar. The competition began when both were performers in the fashion show. “I felt very offended when I received only a small amount of applause when I modeled in the fashion show.

The shouts that Chris received, well, they made me jealous,” said Cooley.

Cooley’s “friend” and mall-going partner, administrative intern Amy Monyicheio said, “I think that Brandon is much more dreamy than Chris. The way that he yells at all the students, his power, it’s just so attractive.” Even though Cooley remains low on the coolness-totem pole, he is sure that he is moving up among the administrators. “It’s obvious the other administrators are jealous. I’m the only one without false teeth, and all of my own, flowing, dreamy hair. I’m a diamond in the rough, and I just don’t fit in that clique of assistant principals.”

Construction workers participate in fashion show Though just mentioning the idea of a fashion show starts an uproar among teachers, the SGA was still allowed to put on a third fashion show, with a slight Pepsi twist. The fashion show’s theme focused on the styles of the construction workers who are constantly strutting their stuff while renovating the school.

The featured style at this fashion show was the “crack,” which sports oversized pants, and a sever lack of underwear.

Hall lockers replaced by pre-school-like cubbies Constructions workers began tearing out lockers, new and old, and started replacing them with elementary school style “cubbies.” “I can’t remember an incident in all the years I’ve worked here (107), where a student has stolen from another student,” said principal Donald Clausen. “Why do we need these theft deterring devices when theft is not, nor never has been an issue here at AHS?” The new cubbies are being installed in hopes , that they will bring a sense of community and family to the school.

They will also help teachers locate students’ backpacks so they can give them much needed information in their Thursday folders, another elementary school practice which will be instilled here at AHS. Many are criticizing the efforts stating, “During a time of war, and starvation worldwide, why are we focused on putting all our efforts into such trivial issues, when we should be focused on the real issue at hand...pajamas.”

AHS awarded for bathroom cleanliness AHS won the award for cleanest bathrooms at the semiannual “Mr. Clean,” awards, held March 28. “We could have never won this award without the help of all the mature students who always leave the bathroom in perfect condition when they are done,” said AHS groudskeeper Willy. Health inspectors commented on how the toilets were so clean they could eat off them, and a few actually began doing just that.

VOLUME #48 ISSUE 9

DON’T READ THIS

SEE YOU IN HELLIOS

You read it didn’t you?

Whatever you do, do not open the paper, contents under pressure

Student athletic director fulfills lifelong dream of playing for the NBA, despite being too short to ride rollercoasters

Married By Annandale declares winners PAWLA ‘GEEK’ SON Muckraker The recent influx of reality TV shows seems to have made its way to Annandale. An AHS version one of Fox’s current reality show projects, Married

By America, has matched two of Annandale’s brightest administrators. Shawn Hearn and Barbara Fugate were married on Married By Annandale, and have now become one of Annandale’s hottest couples. From the looks of it, the lovers are happily married and spicing it up in an exotic hotel, provided graciously by the SGA. The SGA will follow the pair for an extended period of time so that they can document the ups and downs of an arranged marriage.

Hearn signed up for Married By Annandale in a desperate attempt to find his soul mate after looking for love in all the wrong places.

“This show was made for a young hip guy, like my self, who has just had bad luck in the field of love,” said Hearn.

Fugate decided to appear on the show after her twin sister, Janet Reno, moved away.

“We were so close, when she left the house just felt so empty with just me and my 17 cats, 6 dogs, and 24 fish,” said Fugate.

The show took place in the school’s gymnasium, with the lights cut and a spotlight on the center of

the floor. Fugate was concealed behind a white vail with a light casting her silhouette.

“I could tell Shawn was anxeious,” said Pricipal Donald Clausen, “His cloths were drenched in sweat, his knees were shaking, and I’m still debating whether or not that huge wet spot on the front of his pants was really from the water fountain, which he claimed.”

When Hearn finally entered the gym, he was positioned next to the white vail. When the vail was finnally lifted the two were finally able to see who the students chose to be their spouse.

“I couldnt help but smile,” said Hearn, “That hottie has always ruffled my feathers.

The two had no idea that they were to be matched up, but both were supprisingly pleased by the student’s choice.

“I was really pleased with my match,” said Fugate, “I have always had a thing for that man, his masculinity just makes my loins pine for him.”

Hearn was then instructed to get down on one knee and propose to Fugate. When Hearn presented the ring many believed that Fugate was going to faint.

“This is the biggest cubitz-zerconia I have ever seen,” proclaimed Fugate.

When the couple met for the first time, there really was no time to get to know each other as they “married” continued on p. 3

PHOTO BY PAWLA ‘GEEK’SON

Barbara Fugate, right, Shawn Hearn, left, pose for their first portrait as a couple, after winning “Married by Annandale.”

Principal caught wearing ‘pj’s’ during school

BY PAWLA ‘GEEK’SON AND CAROLINE FRIEDMAN Muckraker and Bootlegger Principal Donald Clausen was caught last Monday wearing pajamas around his office despite the school’s recent pajama ban. Many are linking the pajama scandal to Clausen’s sudden announcement of retirement.

“We just can’t have a principal who would do something so disgraceful as wearing pajamas on the job,” said vice principal Jon Frederickson. “We all have the temptations but we know that we’d get caught.”

The incident occurred early in the morning when janitors were working around the building. One janitor, who asked to remain anonymous, claims that she was vacuuming the main office when she heard murmuring from Clausen’s office.

“I peered inside and to my dismay I found Clausen strutting around his office in cloud pajamas and pig slippers, commenting on how comfortable his ‘pj’s’ were,” said the anonymous janitor. While some have speculated that the attire was borrowed from his wife, it has recently been confirmed that the outlandish outfit was indeed his own. “It was awful,” said the janitor. “How could anyone be that sick?”

Shortly after the incident Clausen announced his retirement. “Part of me is embarrassed to have been was caught in such an awkward position. I mean, I love my

CAROLINE MCEVILLY AND MORGAN FRIEDMAN

dos

CHRISTMAS DAY, APRIL 1, 1003

Clausen caught by janitor wearing pajama’s, despite leading the recent ban of the clothing

cloudy day flannel pajamas and my little piggy slippers,” said Clausen. “The other part of me thinks that this new policy is absolutely ridiculous. What kind school are we if we do not let our students wear pajamas! What’s next?

No flip-flops?”

“This scandal is worse than the time that I was caught skipping work and going to Wendy’s,” said Clausen.

Anti-war peace protest turns violent

Aubrey Welch, junior, is caught in the violence that broke out during the peace protestors, and found herself with her head through a peace protester’s picket sign.

BY JOHNNY “OOPS I CRAPPED MY PANTS” local oaf During the past few months, thousands have gathered on the Mall in Washington, D.C. to protest the war with Iraq. Traditionally peace protesters have taken a nonviolent approach to their demonstrations; however, tragedy struck during the protests on Saturday, March 15.

As the noon sun rose over protesters gathering around the monument, something happened which will forever be remembered as one of the great tragedies of the American people. Two surly-looking protesters walking on the sidewalk, wearing bandanas over their faces stopped to

talk with several mounted police officers and in the midst of their conversation trouble broke out.

“Man, I was just chilling and exerting my first amendment right, and then I was like, yo, let’s bust this joint,” said one protestor. “I was like I’m an anti-war citizen, so let’s destroy some [expletive] to prove my point.”

Although what transpired in the conversation is still not known, complete chaos broke loose. The mass of protestors dropped their non-violent ways, and turned to destruction to prove their point. Cars were flipped, windows were smashed and local politicians were ridiculed to tears.

The riot ensued for two hours before the police were able to regain control of the downtown area.

D.C. Police Chief Charles “Wiggum” Ramsey described the situation as “a state of chaos where nonconformists, hippies, communists and were running wild.”

When all was said and done, only 3 protestors had been arrested. Ramsey said on the situation, “I would have caught more, but they were just too fast. My stumpy legs can’t carry me that fast.”

Along with acts of violence, the crowd began to chant slogans of their cause, “No peace unless peace, no peace unless peace.”

Despite the pandemonium, officials and protest organizers thought the protest “went well, and was a success.” Although the war still ensues, protestors feel peace is in the future.

“I will continue to protest this junx, until George ‘Dubya’ comes to his senses,” said a bystander. “It’s great day to be alive. The sun is out, the grass is green, a birds are singing. Now all we need a is president that’s not an idiot.” “protest” continued on p. _

Pajama’s have been a main issue of debate in the faculty. Ironically the ban was pushed hardest by Clausen, who was argued that wearing pajama’s is sick and immoral and should be banned from the school.

Clausen now denies that he was so adamant in having pj’s banned. “It was not my idea to ban them. Barbara Fugate said that she didn’t have enough clothing issues to haggle students about and she wanted my cooperation in ridding the school of it’s ‘slackers,’” said Clausen.

Superintendent Daniel Domenech commented, “I don’t understand the situation. They are just pajamas. Frankly I am ashamed to have any affiliation with a school so focused on a topic so trivial.”

Many students who are upset with the ban are using this incident as fuel to get the reinstatement of pajamas in the school. Clausen himself has switched positions on the issue, but many believe it is just an attempt to save his administration.

“I think that Principal Clausen is a liar and a fraud.

He tells all the students they aren’t allowed to wear pajamas and then he is found in his girly fashion, what is that?” said junior Emily Miller. “He should retire, have you seen the hairline on that man?”

“I am not a crook,” said Clausen. “It is so blatantly obvious that I was framed in this incident. Someone must have planted the pajamas on me.”

Foreign languages banned from AHS

BY GUICHO DOMINGUEZ Senior el Escritor Por mucho tiempo, AHS ha estado orgullosa por su ethnical diverse student body. Muchos nos conocen como una “melting pot” donde cada raza coexiste pacificamente. Pero atencion senores, esto esta por cambiar muy pronto.

Por lo de la guerra con Iraq, el presidente Jorge Busho tiene mucha miedo de possible terrorista retaliation ataques, y, segun una source cerca de la administracion, ha decided to implementar una national school policy.

Segun este nueva ley, conocida como la “No hablo ingles” law, estudiantes de escuelas publicas no podran speak any language in school que no sea por english. La motivo es que el Jorge Busho tiene miedo de que los que no hablan espanol puedan tener contacto con terroristas. Segun la ley, cualquier chico o chica que no hablo ingles sera arrestado y then presentado a la migra para que chequen sus papeles.

“Esto es muy malo, el Busho no sabe lo que habla. El es muy loco, ” dijo un chico alumno Hispano que no quizo ser identificado. Cuando se busco a este alumno para otro comentario, no se lo puedo encontrar. La adminstracion dice que no sabe donde esta este alumno ahora.

La administracion de la colegio no quiere decir nada sobre esta ley o si sera o no establecida. Pero, rumores por la escuela dicen que ya estan gente “historia” continued on p. 3

2 HOGWASH Canadian province captured by antiCanadian forces

The Canadian province of Saskatchewan was captured by an anti-Canadian coalition of farmers and town militias from several counties throughout Montana, Idaho, Wyoming, and the Dakotas.

After looting and pillaging Edmonton and Calgary, the province’s largest cities, this group of ruffian militiamen are traveling the Canadian countryside, laying waste to the few buildings they see. The motives at this point are unknown, but investigators have reason to believe that its because they don’t like Canada.

“Worthless” states expelled

This past weekend, President Bush submitted legislation that would effectively give “worthless” states the boot from the Union.

George Dubya Bush, in a news conference on Saturday, said, “These states just aren’t as good as Texas. If ya ain’t Texas, ya ain’t good. Yur just plain worthless.”

The following states would officially be expelled from the Union at the beginning of the next fiscal year: Florida, Georgia, South Carolina, North Carolina, Virginia, Maryland, Pennsylvania, Delaware, New Jersey, New York, Vermont, New Hampshire, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Massachusetts, Maine, Ohio, Kentucky, Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, Arkansas, Indiana, Illinois, Michigan, Iowa, Louisiana, Missouri, Oklahoma, Kansas, North Dakota, South Dakota, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Montana, Wyoming, Colorado, Nevada, Arizona, New Mexico, California, Washington, Oregon, Idaho, Alaska, Hawaii, West Virginia, Nebraska, and Utah. This bill would also change the name of the “Union” to the Lone Star Republic, comprised of Texas, and, well, Texas.

Molasses gets faster

In a striking turn of events, new tests show that molasses is no longer slow. Due to these recent findings, the phrase “slow as molasses” will no longer be applicable to slow-moving objects.

This thick, congealed sugar product has been known as the “slowest thing that is slow” ever since the colonial period in America, as molasses farmers in the Carolinas reaped enormous profits. Jared Smith surpassed molasses as the slowest object to be used as a comparison. Farmers and scientists alike have asked that people desiring to describe a slothlike object replace molasses with Jared Smith in the phrase “slow as molasses.”

Corn harvest ruined

Springfield’s corn harvest has been ravaged by toxic chemicals released from the nearby nuclear paner plant. Many local farmers have openly expressed their outrage at the recent incident. “Oh no! The corn! Paul Newman’s gonna have mah legs broke!” exclaimed one farmer, who wished to remain anonymous. Newman, the chief executive officer of the nations largest agricultural engineering corporation has not made any statements on the recent occurence.

New Zanzibar is on the map

In a sudden new discovery, archaelogists have found what they believe to be the remains of an ancient city off the coast of east Africa, approximately 50 miles east of the Tanzanian port of Zanzibar.

In a statement released in the former Portuguese port city, chief archaeologist Alexander Peterson Silano said, “My dreams have finally come true. It’s all coming together. My empire! My empire!”

Silano plans to establish a massive empire of areas that no one cares about, and up until now, he has been largely unsuccessful.

God save the king

The Principality of Liechtenstein, a small Alpine nation wedged in between Switzerland and Austria, has officially become an absolute monarchy. In a popular vote in early March, the people voted overwhelmingly in favor of the conversion from constitutional to absolute monarchy. Those who participated in the 23-1 vote include Prince Hans Adams II, the reigning monarch, the royal family, and the prince’s royal advisors.

The single vote against the conversion came from the only member of the parliament.

the

ABLAST

TUES. April 1, 20000000003

More efficient weapons needed for Coalition Forces in Iraq By using office supplies as weapons of choice, the war will surely end quickly

BY SIR DUBLIN Royal Editorials Editor

Although the joint United States-United Kingdom military campaign has been quite successful thus far, there are always improvements to be made, regardless of the mission. One of these necessary changes includes a change in Operation Shock & Awe and an overall modification in the firepower a n d weaponry of the Coalition military action in Iraq. While Tomahawk Cruise Missiles and Patriot Missiles are quite effective, an alteration to BIC stationery, lighters, and shavers could perhaps prove even more efficient in this fight for democracy and human rights.

Among the most dangerous and deadly products readily available are the best-selling BIC Round Stic and the "uniquely sculpted" BIC Tigger Novelty, with their

tungsten carbine balls for lethal effects upon impact and ventilated caps for Yay Nay aerodynamic prowess, and the "smooth and elegant" BIC Atlantis, with 64.235 0 a nickel silver medium point and a tungsten carThe aforementioned bine ball to provide maxiwriting utensils would serve as adequate mize damage against artillery fire.

Iraqi militants who resist the forces of the United States and United Kingdom, as they serve as efficient, economical substitutes for bayonets.

The aforementioned writing utensils would serve as adequate artillery fire with the ability to eliminate soldiers as well as armored tank divisions. However, BIC pens, as well as lighters, are excellent and inexpensive substitutes for bombs currently used by the Coalition Forces. Using the BIC Americana Lighter Series, Coalition Forces may drop these from aircraft to provide much smaller, but no less dangerous, explosions to minimize civilian casualties as well as save money.

Shavers and pens may be used in hand-to-hand combat against the resisting Iraqis. Shavers, some with multiple blades, are more than adequate substitutes for knives as they have the ability to cut through any padding and

Staff Vote

inflict damage upon the encroaching enemy.

Although no decisions on Operation BIC Stationery, Lighters, & Shavers & Other Random Crap have been made, the Pentagon will surely consider the modifications of Operation Shock & Awe and check for the possibilities of enactment in the region.

I propose this weapons change, along with several others, such as the usage of both knives and spoons in the arsenal of American weaponry to provide assistance in beating the enemy senseless. Another possible modi- f i cations of Operation BIC Stationery, Lighters, & Shavers & Other Random Crap include the massive air strikes in which burning pants, which would block Iraqi satellites and rid ourselves of the useless monstrosities of pants.

Using these new varieties of weapons will no doubt revolutionize modern warfare, allow for tremendous economic growth, and reduce costs on military spending. This "stationery warfare" will take Iraq, the Middle East, and the entire international community by surprise. If properly utilized, these new weapons/writing utensils/ grooming accessories/ what have you will yield the swiftest, most powerful thrust into any country and will surely secure a victory in the Second Gulf War.

A weekend with Weintraut

BY KYLE SMEALIE & JOHN REISS

"Weintraut Jr. & Snagglepuss Who is Alan Weintraut? Mild mannered school teacher, or dork extraordinaire. We must warn you that in the following paragraphs, the deepest and darkest secrets of the man many call 'Big Al.' For the past 16 years Alan Weintraut has taught AP English, Journalism, Film Studies at AHS, and the 'How to meet a mom' course at the local community college. After graduating from Iowa State University of Kansas in 1977 with a major in hair styling, Alonzo De La Vega (he later changed his name to Alan Weintraut) went on a cross country trip that would take him to all four corners of the globe.

After five years on the road though, Alan felt the yearning for companionship, so he went to go live with his mother in Fairfax.

With no job and virtually no friends, Weintraut began spending copious amounts of time with his mother. They took walks in the park together and drew silhouettes of each other on Friday night's. The philanthropic Weintraut even volunteered at his mom's bi-weekly bingo match.

“Of all the memories of my little Allie-poo, silhouette night is the best," said De La Vega. "I felt that I got to know myself and my son better through those silhouettes."

In his free time, Alan also began to volunteer at the Clinic for Retired Bicyclists. While at the clinic, Alan supervised senior citizen bike races, emptied bedpans, and was in charge of sponge baths.

"Oh, having Alan around was such a joy," said retired

bicyclist Herman Namreh. "I never thought it was possible for someone to give massages like he did. So when does this interview begin? Ohhh..."

Weintraut wasted the next nine months of his life at the clinic, and soon realized there was more to life than volunteering for a crappy job, you can have a crappy job and get paid at the same time. Weintraut soon took a job as a journalism teacher at AHS. Now for most people, the everyday life of Weintraut is public knowledge; he lives, eats and breathes school. Now this is true. But, when the week is over and the weekend begins, the Weintraut you know and love becomes different man, well sort of, not really, he's exactly the same.

"Now I know people may think I lead a mostly uneventful life, but on the weekends, I'm a real partae animal," said Weintraut.

When school gets out on Friday, Weintraut visits his local Hess Station and gases up his classy 1987 Yugo for the following three weeks (he doesn't get out much). At night, Weintraut dines on EasyMac while watching reruns of 'Welcome Back Kotter' and is in bed by 8:47 p.m.

"Even though that might seem like an early bedtime, I sometimes stay up a little later," said Weintraut. "Once, I was watching the 'Gong Show' marathon."

Saturday starts of bright and early. Weintraut is out of bed by 6:15a.m. to make smiley-face pancakes for his

Lunch line cutting causes school-wide crisis

BY EVAN ROWLAND

“Pusha E Low” The time is 12:10 and, and one may find themself waiting forever in the lunch line of the cafeteria. Once one finally approaches the front of the line, the scariest incident happens. A group full of ignorant students blatantly cuts in front of them, causing one to wait several more minutes for them and all their friends to order their food. Lunch line cutting has gotten so out of hand that a state of emergency needs to be issued.

A terrifying incident happened to sophomore James Alvarez on March 20. “I was waiting in line for so long that it seemed like seven and a half blue moons had passed,” said Alvarez.

He was incredibly tired and really wanted the day to be over. When Alvarez found his way to the front, he said he was horrified when a “monsterous-looking girl” cut in font of him. “I turned my back to her but she was outraged, and proceeded to shout a load of profane and racist remarks at me!” Alvarez “gave in” to her pressure and allowed her to cut.

“This happens to me everyday, same girl, same scenario,” said Alvarez.”

Cutting in lunch lines has gotten so out of hand recently. There needs to be a motion to stop this chaos. The

ignorant culprits who wish to remain anonymous, feel that they are more important then any other students, and see “no reason” to stop cutting.

On February 15, the reported number of “lunch line bandits” was only 22, but a recent tally taken on March 25, showed that the number of “lunch line bandits” has shot up to 68!

As the surveys show, cutting in the lunch line is on the rise significantly. Many have proposed ideas, but the most prosperous idea appears to be, sending the 101st Airborne Division to monitor lunch everyday from 10:19 to 12:25.

A proposal from a very wise source, sophomore Evan Rowland, declared that students at lunch begin to practice something called “single-filed lines.” This would not allow any possible attempt of students to cut in line, and executing the idea would be cost free.

Rowland ‘s proposal seems like a very effective idea that would be pretty error-free. It’s a wonder that nobody else has thought of this idea until now. With Rowland’s proposal, the increasingly growing number of “lunch line bandits” would be cut down dramatically, if not completely.

This is a state of emergency that must be dealt with as soon as possible.

Freshman Caine Seay and Charlie Mallory carry on a fight outside of the cafeteria due to a lunch line cutting conflict.

mother and himself. After eating and doing the dishes, Weintraut goes out to either mow the lawn in the summer or shovel the driveway in the winter.

"I always shovel my driveway in the winter, even if there's no snow out," said Weintraut.

After his demanding exercise routine (consisting mainly of wall sits, Tae Bo and jazzercise) Weintraut usually plays his Atari video game system. His favorite games include Grand Prix, Asteroids, E.T., and Galaga. He plays until his eyes crust over or his thumbs begin to attach to the controller.

Saturday nights are the most eventful for the wild and crazy Weintraut. The main event is what he likes to call "Operation Personal Preparation," or OPP. This intricate process involves laundry, folding, and coordination. He picks out his soiled "unspeakables," throws them in the washer/dryer, and matches the outfits for the following week.

"I'm down with OPP, yeah baby you know me," said Weintraut.

After his off the wall Saturday night, his Sundays are usually much more laidback. He wakes up and greets his headache with two Motrin and a tall glass of water. He watches TLC or BET until lunchtime arrives, when he usually hits up a fancy-pants restaurant.

All in all, Weintraut is a jack-of-all-trades. From folding laundry to making silhouettes with "mommy-traut," he has it all. The only question is, why didn't this story make any sense. Screw Flanders.

the Annandale High School 4700 Medford Dr. Annandale,Virginia 90210

ABLAST Vol. 48 No. 8.235 April 1, .002003

Editors in Beef:

Philippe Podhorecki Andrew Satten Reid Edwards AWOL: Bootleggers: Caroline Friedman Abby Segall Shams Company: Edris Qarghah Junaid Shams Academics Editors: Laura Johnson Rebecca Kraushaar Out-Depth Editors: Hayley Fletcher Hana Nguyen Green Tomato Edi- Martha Amoako tors: Maggie Owner Sarah Bizer No one knows what these people do: Laura Hollowell Saman Hussain Minorities Editors: Wala’a El Barasse Rachel Sinaiko Fashion Editors: John Bernhardt Jared Smith Muckrakers: Paul Gleason David Marin Wannabee Evan: Evan Ashe Entertainment Editors: Alejandro Salinas Katie Stanton Farts Editors: Crystan Blanco Erin O’Brien Daddy pants:

Gallup Award Quill & Scroll 2000-2001

Alan Weintraut

All American National Scholastic Press Association 2001-2002

(1800) WHOSUR DADDY e-mail: JamesAlvarez07@aol.com fax: 642-4197

Weekday Editors: Likely to succeed: Bad Manager: Copy Editor: Most Un-artistic:

Cameron Kynes Katharine Kishiyama Ryan Teichler Rachel Jones Meg Nielsen Chae-Wha Park

Slackers: Morgan McEvilly, Chris Rauer, Sean Sullivan, Andrew Menegat, Sarah Sherman People that press buttons on the thing with the keys with the letters and what not: Anteneh Addisu, Kathy Ibarra, Wided Khadroui, Chris Kallander, Laura Kelly, Sohaib Khan, Elizabeth Nowrouz, John Reiss, Erik Rooney, Evan Rowland, Kathy Saupp, Amanda Sheaffer, Sarah Sherman, Kyle Smeallie, Sabrina Stacy, Lauren Sterlacci, Matt Wiest Socks: Shabier Bahramy, Stephen Benson, Amanuel Beyene,Rachel Johnson, Josh Lewin, Mike Mahn, Javier Sanchez-Yoza, Brent Sullivan Principal: Donald Clausen

Trophy Class Virginia High School 2001-2002

The A-Blast is an award-winning newspaper that strives to inform, educate and entertain the student body and community. Published every three weeks. The A-Blast will not print any material that is obscene or libelous; or that which substantially disrupts the school day or invades an individual’s right to privacy. Unsigned editorials represent the staff opinions which solely represent the opinion of the newspaper staff. The A-Blast is an independent, open forum for discussion which is printed at the Springfield Plant of The Washington Post. Signed letters to the editor of 250 words or less may be submitted to room 225 or mailed to the school. The A-Blast reserves the right to refuse advertisements. All submissions become property of The A-Blast Copyright, 2003.

the

ABLAST

Festivus Day

WHAT’S POPPIN 3

Rapper Dick Adams goes platinum

BY ANTENEH ADDISU President wanna-be The number one song in America is In Da Weight Room.

Yes that's right. Rapper Dick Adams dropped this hot single last week when he released his album Get Buff or Die Tryin'.

Adams first became known for his song, Physical Fitness Wit Da Quickness, which was a bonus track on the 8 Mile Road Soundtrack.

Many critics were skeptical, but Adams responded by saying, “Hey hey hey big fella, that's bullcrap.” The album itself is a sensation, selling over a million copies in a matter of a week. The ever-popular Eminem and producer Dr. Dre signed Dick Adams to Shady/Aftermath Records six months ago.

Eminem and Dr. Dre first noticed Adams at the Slim Shady Power Meet, the most thugged out weight lifting competition on the east coast.

“Once I saw him squat I knew he could rhyme,” says Eminem. In a matter of weeks, Adams signed a five-year contract for $3 million.

Dick Adams didn't always have it this easy. Growing up in the mean streets of Annandale, there was always something bad to do. A lot of kids did rotten things like eat fatty

foods and never exercise. Adams often engaged in turf wars with rival gangs from Robinson. However, Adams discovered the weight room and was instantly changed.

“Right then and there, I became a slave to the weight room. I would sit up in my room writing lyrics about my favorite squat rack,” says Adams.

After high school, Adams began hustling power bars and muscle enhancer for a living. Just as Adams was getting known in the rap industry, he landed a coaching job. “There is only one thing that I love more than freestyling, and that's's football,” says Adams.

He immediately mixed his two passions, having his team with the state championship and all the regional freestyle battles. At the height of his career, an unidentified individual threw nine footballs that put Adams in critical condition. One of the footballs hit his right ear, causing him to speak much louder than normal so he can hear himself. The police had reason to believe that it was a member of the Robinson coaching staff.

Nevertheless, Adams recovered from his brush with fate on the gridiron and worked on his rap game. His hot lyrics about physical fitness earned him a controversial reputation. It was just a matter of time before meeting Eminem and Dre. After meeting up with his posse, C-Unit (coaches unit), Adams exploded.

Now Adams has a multi-platinum selling CD. He's hoping to collaborate with rapper Jay-Z, but questions his work ethic. “When you rap with me, it isn't some

AHS solamente ‘speaka’ espanol “Estoria” de p.1

—C. Montgomery Burns senior (citizen)

Rapper Dick Adams dropped this hot single last week when he released his album “Get Buff or Die Tryin.”

bullcrap session. I don't tolerate laziness, at all,” says Adams.

There is no telling how long Dick Adams will dominate the charts. With songs like, 21 Dumbells, Squat or die, and You're Just Plain Lackadaisical, there seems to be ample reason to expect this rapper to rule the billboard for a while. “He's the hottest thing since Tabasco, that's fo' shizel,” says rapper Snoop Doggy Dogg.

What would you do if you came home, opened the door, stepped inside, looked around and saw your wife with another man?

“Remember when your dog ate my fish and you said I didn’t have any fish, then why did I have the bowl bart? Why did I have the bowl???”

—Milhouse Van Houten bart’s best friend

“Any religion that embraces carob is not for Carl Carlson.”

—Carl Carlson black

Look at me, I’m Homer Simpson!

—Franks Grimes disgruntled worker

“I don’t know what I would do, but that sounds like something that would happen to Clinton.”

—Fidel Castro Cuban cigar guy

“The only things that my wife sleeps with are biological and chemical weapons.”

—Saddam Hussein Iraqis #1 Gangsta

SEAN SULLIVAN

del gobierno trabajando en secreto que van a coger a personas que no hablen ingles.

Cameras han sido puestas en los trailers de las clases ESL y en la cafeteria para controlar que no nadie viole la ley. Los banos tambien tienen cameras en todas lados asi que mejor te callas la boca.

Se dice que estos special agents del FBI estan undercover como alumnos y que se acercan a ti y te preguntan “Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth?” si no respondes en ingles te agarran, asi que mejor es que compres tu copia de “ingles sin barreras” y aprendas el idioma rapido.

Todos los clubs de lenguas han sido cancelados y las clases de lenguas seran remplazada con clase de “American ethics”. Tambien todito el soccer team esta en investigacion por no ser American enough.

El rumor dice que ya hay varios alumnos arrestados por hablar en espanol en la manana.

Segun este rumor, dos alumnos fueron perseguidos y arrestados esta manana bajando del bus. Dicen que fueron llevados a the INS department para luego ser deportados a su pais.

Los encargados ya tiene una lista de las personas que pueden ser agarradas: en esa lista estan todos los chicos de ESL y los que participaron en Heritage Night. Los agents estan reviewing los cas-

“Who do you think I am? Lorenzo de Medici?!”

JAVIER SANCHEZ-YOZA

‘Get Buff or Die Tryin” expected to top the charts

What do you want to say to your fans?

“Unfortunately, that actually happened to me with my third and sixth wives.”

“If that happened to me, I would take off my gangsta shades and whip the persons a**.”

—Osama Bin Laden Big Bad Booty Daddy

BY SEAN SULLIVAN Nerd He’s been shot, he’s been stabbed, he’s been broke, and he is coming to Annandale. Big deal right? Hundreds of students walk through the doors of AHS fitting this description. Unlike these regular students though, this guest of honor has a multi-million dollar record contract and a CD that sold almost a million copies in its first week of sales. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, 50 Cent is coming to Annandale, and along with 50 comes his infamous posse, the “G Unit.” His pistol-packin posse hit up Annandale in response to Entertainment Editor Katie Stanton’s review in the last edition of The A-Blast. She gave 50’s new CD “Get Rich or Die Tryin” a “C+” rating enraging 50’s fans and sparking the “G Unit” to make the journey to Annandale. The G Unit rolled up to the front circle March 20th in their Cadillac Escalade with the decked out rims and with their bass blasting. However due to the unit’s inappropriate attire and possession of numerous items unfit for a school environment, they were denied access to the building. Security Specialist KW Williams reported confiscating a total of 7 handguns, 5 knives, a pair of brass knuckles and over a pound of alleged medicinal marijuana. “I wasn’t surprised that 50 was carrying those sorts of things. I mean if I was famous, and I was going to a high school in this sort of area,

WANTED

School special marries administrators Soulmates found: Hearn, Fugate marry, friends say marriage will last

Edris Qarghah Edris has been missing from school for the past four months. Rumor has it that he is 25 and isn’t required to attend school.

“Married” from p. 1

really was no time to get to know each other as they were quickly forced to get married.

Friends say the Hearn-Fugate’s think the marriage will last forever; the Annandale community has rallied behind the hot new couple and they wish them the best.

Senior Philippe Podhorecki said, “Those two administrators have always seemed to have something in common. I am just glad to see that they have finally realized what I knew all along—that they were perfect matches for each other,” “It must be our tantalizing charm and wit that attracts viewers,” said Fugate.

—Kang alien

—Kim Jong Il big glasses man

Fitty Cent seeks revenge for review I definitely would be strapped with a gat. Hey hey hey.

Fitty and his crew’s unwillingness to give up these “legally bought and private possessions” caused some major raucous in the parking lot. 50 enraged the faculty further when he was reported saying “then how am I suppose to get back at that wanksta Stanton,” referring back to her latest review. This initial confrontation between AHS faculty and the “G Unit” became so unruly that Williams was forced to call in his big gun: Athletic Director Angelo Hilios. At first sight of the monstrous administrator, 50 and his crew fled the scene “like wimpy little babies” commented Helios. “It must have been my size, I mean look at me, I’m enormous. No wonder they dipped in their Escalades so quickly.”

Despite this shaky first encounter, Shady/Aftermath executive promised a second appearance from 50 and his G Unit, this time to perform. 50 agreed to this appearance as a way to prove to that (expletive deleted) Stanton, that she don’t know who she messin wit. Record execs were at first hesitant towards 50’s approval of this event.

They stated that they were already ìworried enough about him getting shot in the streets by his numerous enemies.

But goin to a high school with a pair of Tims, a rack of ice around your neck and a set of keys to a fleet of Caddy’s, he’s just askin to be shot.

50, however, has no worries about coming to AHS. He feels that “my Kevlar vest and my posse will protect me

—Homer Simpson

local drunk and oaf

“Holy Flurking Schnit!”

Officer Paul Pickett arrests a suspected violator of the new language rule en AHS.

settes de video y anotando nombres. Also, en las lista estan todos los alumnos que toman el bus. Por mucho tiempo, los bus drivers se han quejado de el comportamiento de los chicos en el bus y ahora podran reportar a las personas que no se comporten bien. Ten cuidado y mejor que aprendas ingles rapido.

“Did you say smockron?!”

“Forty whacks with a wet noodle!”

—Martin Prince child genius

“You only say we’re a clown college because we were founded by a cow.”

—Lenny white

“I didn’t think it was possible, but this both sucks and blows.”

—Bart Simpson fourth grade

“You’re as dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a stranger offers you a ride for some candy, I say take it!”

50 Cent waits outside the front lobby for Enterntainment Editor Katie Stanton who bashed his new CD in The A-Blast.

from any one of y’all hoodlums who got beef. And if that ain’t enough, I bet I can get that thugsta Helios to get my back.”

Tickets have not yet gone on sale and a specific date is still to be determined. The SGA, along with Principal Don Clausen, are working with Shady Aftermath representatives on the contracts at this very moment.

Who am I? • My name is not not Alex, and it doesn’t not rhyme a popular Pepridge Farm Cookie.

•I don’t like to play sports cuz “they get me all sweaty.” Instead I like to live out my athletic fantasies through video games.

• My favorite activities include igloo making and picking fights with small schoolchildren.

• I am in the process of getting a patent for “Stove Pants,” pants that include electronic blankets to warm the legs.

—Abe Simpson senior (citizen)

“Look at the weak baby. You’re stupid, you stupid weak baby.”

—Shelbyville Kid fourth grade

“Worst April Fools Issue Ever!”

—Comic Book Guy single

4.3 JOCKS

Val Smith Grade: 11 Sport: JV Soccer last year Position/Event: All-around awesome player.

Accomplishments/ Awards: She didn’t make Varsity OR JV soccer this year but last year she had stellar performances Greatest Sports Moment: “Last year I scored a goal...I think...”

Personal Quote about Upcoming Season: “Umm, actually I’m not playing this season, but if I were I would probably be a very good player and I just don’t understand why I didn’t make it this year...

Were my shorts the wrong color? I personally feel like an excellent player...*sigh* so I just play by myself kicking the ball against my garage door.”

Tennis runs a lap, shocks AHS Tennis circles the track once and amazes the school with its awesome display of talent and abilitiy demonstrated

BY RACHEL JONES Manager of the Ads In an unprecedented display of athleticism and physical strength, he boys tennis team ran an entire lap around the track yesterday.

Coach Albert Steppe decided that it was time to step up the level of performance and felt this was a crucial and necessary step in dominating the high school tennis scene.

“I believe that these boys are just as physically fit as any other athlete at AHS and after running this lap I don’t think anyone will dispute that,” said Steppe.

Following a mediocre season last year the team was hoping that running this lap would provide them with that decisive edge and necessary for clinching victories.

The team faces tough opponents this year from perennial powerhouses such as Lake Braddock and Robinson.

“Last year I seemed to become tired too early in the match,” said senior Jack Shea. “I think that running this lap will step me up to the level of competition.”

Freshman Mike Weist (pictured above right, crawling his way to victory) reflects on the lap he ran. “Af-

Helios was first choice on the draft this year and said to be a key player

The NBA announced yesterday that Athletic Director Angelo Helios would be included in the draft to occur in late April. Sports analysts nationwide have predicted Helios as the number one pick for most teams, even over high school all-star LeBron James.

Press releases from teams including the Los Angeles Lakers, Houston Rockets, Philadelphia 76ers and the Washington Wizards also supported the predictions, citing Helios’ “speed, size and strength” as key reasons for his value.

“We look foward to great things to come from Helios in the NBA,” said NBA commisioner. “Scouts have been looking at him for a while.”

Some of the NBA’s top teams have had their eye on Helios for his young age and compact build.

“The Lakers need some fresh tal-

ASSOCIATED PRESS

Brandon and Chris Flowers were unavailable for questioning

ter running the lap I felt a real sense of accomplishment,” said Weist. “At first the idea of completing an entire lap seemed daunting, I mean it’s a fourth of one entire mile, but Iím a soldier and made it through.”

However, no matter how gruesome the lap was the tennis team at AHS seemed to be able to continue

through all the pain.

“We began running and I started out real strong, but then my legs had this weird tingly feeling and sweat started dripping off my face,” said senior Mike Nakamura. “I thought something was seriously wrong with me right about then, but I kept running. I knew I had to do it for the

NBA Recruits Helios

BY CHRIS SOPHER Jay-Juan

Phil Borras Grade: 11 Sport: Stayin’ cool, stayin’ in school Position/Event: He likes to keep laid back and chillax Accomplishments/ Awards: He ran one time.

Greatest Sports Moment: “One time I ran...”

Personal Quote about Upcoming Season: “Is summer the next season?

I like to swim in the summer, but I don’t have a pool. My friend has a pool so sometimes I go to his house, but one time I think he peed in it because I swam into a warm spot...I don’t swim in his pool anymore.”

Twenty seconds into running, freshman Mike Weist and senior Vincent Keung look over as they struggle to start off the lap; 20 minutes later they prove their athleticism by completing an entire lap as well as crunches.

team.”

Coach Steppe realized that this one lap might have been a difficult task to accomplish so prior to the lap he gave the team a pep talk to allow the teammates to remember that ìrunning is 90 percent mental and 10 percent physical...kind of...”

However, in addition to the tennis teamís already tedious task, they were told to follow the lap with one set of ten sit-ups, five push-ups and five jumping jacks. “The practices are meant to be extreme,” said Steppe.

“I’m trying to get people to understand that if they are planning on trying out for the tennis team they must be an exquisite physical shape and I expect high intensity from all my players.”

“I think after our rigorous workout the boys tennis team will be gaining the respect we deserve,” said senior Vincent Keung. “I donít expect to be hearing anymore of those tennis jokes in the locker room anymore.”

Tennis has a fast-passed season ahead of them which will end sometime in May. This means the team will be performing approximately three games a week and it will be very important that these athletes are kept in peak physical condition.

Angelo Helios and Michael Jordan have been old friends for many years now, including during their North Caroline days.

ent— most of our guys stay on the inside and all they can do is dunk and star in bad movies,” said Lakers coach Phil Jackson. Jackson even suggested the release of all-star center Shaquille O’Neal to allow Helios to play at the starting center position.

“We don’t need a movie star, we need a real athlete.”

A Pheonix Suns spokeman said Saturday, “Helios is our top pick, without a doubt.” When asked why, the spokesman replied, “Well his name [which means sun] has a lot to do with it. I figure he will be a good team player and shine on the court.”

The Houston Rockets named Helios a “prime candidate to play next to Yao Ming,” the team’s Chinese super-star.

The Washington Wizards has also displayed interest in the Student Activities Director, knowing that an aging and poorly performing team is in need of new talent.

Wizards owner Abe Pollin summarized the interest by saying “With Michael Jordan leaving we are in need of a stellar basketball player who can fill mikes shoes...only Hilios came to mind.”

Helios aspired to play in the NBA in high school, when he averaged a whoping 2 points and 2 rebounds per game, a stastical feat that hasn’t been achieved since Kermit Washington became a 20-20 player at American University.

Perhaps Helios’ best basketball moment was captured on tape, when he managed to “stuff” the opposing team’s center, a 7-foot-tall menace named Sean Bradley, who woud go on to become the starting center for the Dallas Mavericks.

Helios was estatic upon recieving word of his selection for the draft.

“I’ve been waiting for this my entire life. I want to score 4 points a game, be a 60% shooter and make a layup!” Helios also mentioned he will be coming out with his own line of clothing, and life-size action figures in June.

“The NBA is the perfect chance for me to show my skillz!”

E xcuse T he I diots John Bernhardt, Jared Smith and Reid Edwards This column has appeared in ever issue thus far this year. The students of AHS have been forced to swallow the opinions of Jared, John and Reid.

When all is said and done, do the writers of this cloumn write coherent, well thought out reponses, or are they absurd?

John: When I first came up with the idea for this

SULLIED SEAN

SPOTLIGHT ATHLETE

ABLAST

April Fools Day

MORGASM MCEVILLY

BOXER BRIEFS

the

To senior Bobby Morgenthaler’s outrage he examines the uneven grass that sophomore Jim Brouse discovered while playing in the outfield.

Baseball cancelled

BY JOSH LEWIN Guy who makes movies and stuff In a tragic turn of events recently, the baseball season was canceled indefinitely due to a number of overwhelming and unfortunate circumstances. The first of these problems was discovered during a regularly scheduled afternoon practice. While retrieving a ball from the outfield, sophomore Jim Brouse inadvertently noticed a patch of uneven grass on the baseball field. “It was horrible, it’s as if my worst fear has come true,” said Brouse.

The grass, located in the right outfield, remains unexplained, and is continuing to baffle players and coaches alike. This shocking incident has lead many to question the capability of Annandale is lawn maintenance, and some are even calling for professionals to be called in to deal with this hazardous situation. “Our team is tough, but it would be irresponsible on our part to let them play under such severe conditions,” said varsity coach Jack Hiatt.

To add to the confusion and disappointment resulting from the uneven grass, another event unfolded which put an end to the season alto-

column, I pictured it containing well-educated analysis of current sports issues. However, shortly after beginning to work with Reid and Jared, I realized they were stubborn, opinionate gents who knew nothing about sports. Reid loves the south and the SEC, Jared loves boys, being Jewish and the Big East, and I’m left to defend the common man. Every topic is outdated, our theories are useless, and you become a little bit dumber when you read this, yet even now you still persist to read every word I am writing. Why are you reading this? You are still reading after I just told you that you become dumber.

While we are talking about stupidity, read what Jared has to say...

Jared: Yes, you are right John, I am Jewish. Anyway, I know for a fact that me and the other writers in “Really, if I spent half the time I take this column have talking about sports or watching people play sports, I might actually be no idea what the good at a sport... wait no, no I heck they are wouldn’t”

gether. While warming up during practice, starting pitcher Travis Johnson suffered an injury to his new Nikes, a dirt smudge that could not be shined away.

Although Johnson didn’t notice the dirt at first, AHS head coach Matt Caudle soon spotted it, and called off practice until the shoes could be properly cleaned and polished. However, the dirt was soon discovered to be embedded into the shoe, and despite several efforts, could not be removed.

“It’s a real shame, but the last thing I’m going to do is let our starting pitcher put himself in harm’s way by playing in dirty cleats,” said Caudle.

With the culmination of these two incidents, and the fall-through of the team is contract with Oakley for sunglasses, this year is baseball season could not continue.

“What do they expect us to do, play with the sun in our eyes?” said junior Chip Brant. “I’m just sorry that I was so reckless as to get dirt on my shoes, it really put a damper on the whole season,” said Johnson.

Disappointment among players was great when learning of the canceled season, but they expect to be back in action next year.

Sadly the boys Baseball team had to cancel the season because the grass was uneven

talking about.

First of all John created this article just as filler, one day before deadline we had a lot of space that needed taking up so we put this in.

Most of the info is pure b*llsh!t. In fact we just take all of the issues I think it is super special that Reid from the previous enjoys walking on the beach with me. nights PTI. We never put any thought into it we just type it up right before we finish our page. But it doesn’t matter because people enjoy it and that is what counts. P.S. I had matza ball soup today.

Reid: Over my four prosperous years at AHS, I have enjoyed many things. One of my favorite classes has been IB Biology, which was taught by award winning teacher, Paula McCallum. I also like The Cosby Show since Bill Cosby is my hero. I also enjoy taking slow walks on the beach. It gives me a chance to calm my nerves and think about my best friend, Johnny B. I think Jared had matza ball soup today.