The Alchemist Weekly May 10th, 2011 by The Alchemist Weekly

WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM • VOLUME 4 NUMBER 175:44 • MAY 10, 2011

The Third Degree w/ from Floater | p. 14 PLUS Alchy Picks | p. 8

Mamma, I just killed a man—and he’s back from the dead.

Rob Wynia

The zombie apocalypse is upon us by Jimbo “Double-Tap” Ivy and Sarah “Tallahassee Twinkie” Sullivan | p. 6

Albany ● Corvallis ● Lebanon ● Philomath VOLUME 4 NUMBER 175:44 ● MAY 10, 2011

VOICE

Opinions and Editorials, be they ours or yours, this is where they be.

3 | Photo of the week 5 | TAW talks to our moms

VERDICT

We’ll be the judge, you be the jury...

3 | Take a trip to the Darkside 4 | Bookworm

ZO M B I E F I E D

The Alchemist Weekly gives you all the knowledge to survive a zombie apocalypse.

6 |The zombie apocalypse is upon us

BUMP

It’s the calendar of all things Albany, Corvallis, Lebanon, and Philomath.

8 | Alchy Picks

Sheepdawg TV

Editorial Editor: Courtney Clenney Staff Writers: Courtney Clenney, Noah Stroup, Stanley Tollett Bump Editor: Noah Stroup Contributors: Josh Goller, Jimbo “DoubleTap” Ivy, Joel Rea, Sarah “Tallahassee Twinkie” Sullivan, Michael Thomas, Craig Wiroll

Episode III Launches in MAY

Art Art Tag Team: Clenney/Stroup Layout Tag Team Coco/Nono Cover Illustration by Patricia Smith

SheepDawg TV was created by Jordan Lucas and Tomas Correia in 2011. The project is directed towards connecting the Heart of the Valley and the Great Northwest with an inside look at the talented and professional artists in our local area. We are a YouTube based TV show and will be airing a ten minute episode once a month. We also provide advertising for local and small businesses. Check us out on YouTube (www.youtube.com/SrSheepdawg) SUPPORT THE SHRED! Check us out on YouTube and SUPPORT THEand SHRED!

Advertising Director of Marketing Stanley Tollett Account Executive Noah Stroup Business Publisher Noah Stroup The Alchemist Weekly is published by: CorvAlcheMedia LLC PO Box 1591 Corvallis, OR 97339 541.224.6873

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FUN BITS

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11 | Crossword and Sudoku 13 | Weekly Horoscope 14 | The Third Degree w/ Rob Wynia

As a publication, our goal is to facilitate greater understanding and appreciation for the diverse social and cultural groups found in the area. In doing so, we hope to create a greater sense of community between Oregon State University and Corvallis, between Albany and Corvallis, and between Philomath, Lebanon and Corvallis/Albany. The Alchemist recognizes the various interests of these groups and is dedicated to being as fluid as the community it serves. *The Alchemist is available to you for free. Please limit yourself to one copy. If your picture is in it, you are welcome to take enough copies for your family.

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PREVIOUS ISSUES: Subject to availability, back issues can be purchased by mail for $5. Send your request with specific issue date to PO Box 1591, Corvallis, OR 97339 and include a check or money order payable to The Alchemist Weekly.

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The thoughts, views, and opinions expressed in Voice are of their authors and do not necessarily represent the thoughts, views, or opinions of CorvAlcheMedia, LLC.

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VERDICT

CORVALLIS VANITIES

Take a trip to the Darkside

“Jane Eyre” with JOSH GOLLER

he past year has been quite good to Mia Wasikowska. In addition to a strong performance in the Best Picture nominee, “The Kids Are All Right,” the apple-cheeked Australian actress has embodied the titular role in adaptations of two classic novels: first with 2010s “Alice in Wonderland” and now with an adaptation of Charlotte Bronte’s gothic romance “Jane Eyre.” Beginning with a full-grown Jane adrift in the stormbeaten wilderness, the film doubles back on itself through flashback sequences of her harsh upbringing at the hands of an unscrupulous aunt (Sally Hawkins) and ruthless boarding school master. Upon emergence into adulthood, Jane begins drawing a salary as the governess to the French ward of the brash and brooding Edward Rochester (Michael Fassbender), whose cavernous mansion is kept by kind Mrs. Fairfax ( Judi Dench). Rochester is a domineering nobleman, one whose bombastic demeanor conceals a tortured soul. Jane’s confident candor intrigues him. Their articulate yet testy rapport belies their underlying passions, kept bound within them as tightly as Jane’s figure within her bodice. There is a perpetual tension, simmering within the shadows and pale light, as we learn how Jane found herself near-death in that driving rainstorm. The disjointed chronology works. A lurking sense of impending doom

hangs over every action like the Sword of Damocles, coating even transcendent moments with an ominous sheen. The result is a slow burn that keeps the viewer on her toes, even in the midst of long swaths of dialogue. Acclaimed director Cary Fukunaga (Sin Nombre) keeps the camera close to his subjects, almost perilously so, and effectively conveys mood through the forces of nature, both in rainstorms on Rochester’s sprawling grounds and with sunlight cascading through windows and down castle corridors. The appeal of gothic romance is passion deferred, and “Jane Eyre” delivers this. The exchanges between Jane and Rochester are believably tense yet nearly playful in their confrontation. Wasikowska’s stock will only continue to rise after such a nimbly handled portrayal of a classic character, and Fassbender (you may recall him from “Inglourious Basterds”) is appealing as a stonehearted tragic figure, though less convincing as an enamored romantic. With a pale palette evoking a bleak tale embroiled with pent-up passions, “Jane Eyre” does the novel justice while producing an effective gothic romance for those unacquainted with the book. And, after playing Alice and Jane Eyre in successive years, there’s no telling how high 21-year-old Wasikowska will soar.

PHoto of the week This photo was taken by David Seltzer at the Corvallis Farmer’s Market. These par ticular mushrooms were from a star ter spore mushroom kit that you can purchase from a local vendor. You could be chosen for Photo of the Week by submitting to our flickr group: www.flickr.com/groups/thealchemistweekly or by emailing your submission to: photo@thealchemistweekly.com WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM • MAY 10, 2011 • 3

LETTER TELL AYLA ROGERS I WILL VALIDATE HER PARKING

I really liked Ayla Rogers’s article “The Enforcer” about officer Begin-Wasco. I had a parking disagreement with her a week before that came out, and she was so nice that it caught me off guard. She calmly told me how to contest my violation and said it would most likely be appealed. The interview was unusual and interesting, and comical to see law enforcement presented in a positive light by an alternative weekly publication. I saw The Enforcer doing her job only minutes after reading your article, and I immediately ran up behind her and shouted “Excuse me!” as she was getting back into her little three-wheeled ticketmobile. She seemed to hesitantly look over her shoulder to see who was pissed off at her this time. When she finished turning

TO THE EDITOR

towards me, I smiled at her and extended my arm with a copy of the Alchemist with her on the cover and asked for her autograph. She maintained her cool. Then she gracefully took my paper, put it on top of her ticketpad and smirked as she wrote her initials with her powerful little pen saying only, “I look terrible in that picture.” She handed it back and stepped into the threewheeler. Within seconds of our interaction, some guy saw a ticket on his windshield and started shouting at her about how he was only in the store for two minutes. I’ve met her on two occasions now, and she’s a really patient and humble person that deserves the recognition. Thanks for giving a shout-out to someone who is usually being shouted-at. Great read!

Put on your 3D goggles. ...only works with LSD

Sincerely, Randy Bonner

LETTERS from our Readers are always welcome and we will print as many as we can fit. Please send your letters to editor@thealchemistweekly.com. It is helpful for you to include your name and contact information as well. Letters may be edited for grammar, clarity, or space restrictions.

Bookworm

VERDICT

by MICHAEL THOMAS “Blood Meridian” (1985) by: Cormac McCarthy

United States. The West is not yet heavily populated by white Americans, and the setting that McCarthy plunges us into is a mysterious and ancient frontier that has already been drowned in blood; a wasteland, an apocalyptic ruin. And yet, the author pauses to emphasize the natural world— wolves, birds, the desert, storms, trees, the firmament. The influence of nature is so prevalent in the work that it brings to mind the cinema of filmmakers like Terrence Malick. If the object of nature is endurance in McCarthy’s book, then man’s place is doom and absurdity. The men of McCarthy’s book drain the land of its life-force; they are horrible, violent, and indignant creatures. As representatives of humanity and the world to come, they are savage and hopeless and the philosophy that their author imbues upon them is nihilistic. They all wander in perverse naiveté except, of course, the Judge. Judge Holden is arguably McCarthy’s greatest creation. A man of seemingly infinite wisdom and ability, he is also wholly evil—a devil in the flesh of a man. “Blood Meridian” is difficult because of its violence, its complex and possessing prose

“It makes no difference what men think of war,” speaks the grotesque and horrible antagonist of McCarthy’s book, “War endures. As well ask men what they think of stone. War was always here. Before man was, war waited for him. The ultimate trade awaiting its ultimate practitioner. That is the way it was and will be. That way and not some other way.” “Blood Meridian” (1985) marks a departure for Cormac McCarthy from the Southern Gothic genre and Tennessee locales of his previous novels. It follows a nameless teenager towards the end of the eighteen-forties as he joins a gang of scalp hunters, massacring their way along the borderlands of Mexico and the Southern 4 • MAY 10, 2011 • WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM

work, but also because McCarthy makes it so hard to argue against his antagonist. The Judge seems to know all; has pegged mankind for all of its bloodlust and weaknesses down the passage of years. On the subject of war, one of many subjects the men touch on in conversation, the Judge says, “War is the ultimate game because war is at last a forcing of the unity of existence. War is god.” “Blood Meridian” is as dark and disquieting as it is graphic. It is a book of hard truths and horrible revelations, not of ‘lessons learned,’ and tidy conclusions. Like the other great Westerns it is unresolved, but it also transcends its genre. As a work of fiction, it has the power to change how we think about literature and about ourselves. It is also a book of many layers—McCarthy used biography, astrology, Gnosticism, and Faustian mythology in the work’s composition—and probably deserves two or three reads until one can fully appreciate the magnitude and density of the book. I recommend purchasing John Sepich’s Notes on “Blood Meridian” for those interested in studying the book’s anatomy more closely.

Thursday, May 12th

Wild Hog in the Woods Friday, May 13th

Vicki Stevens Band Saturday, May 14th

Van Meyers Jazz Sunday, May 15th

Blues Jam 140 NE Hill St Albany, OR 541.928.1931

MY MOTHER, THE BAD ASS

When I was four years old, I can’t really remember the specifics, and that’s probably for the best, I almost choked to death on a peppermint hard candy. We were at my great-grandfather’s home. My mother had taken me with her to visit my great-aunt and some other sundry relatives to catch up on all the family gossip. Old people, at that time, almost always had a crystal dish of candy sitting on the coffee table. In hindsight it was probably some kind of weird offshoot from The Great Depression, when that generation was deprived of such “delicacies.” More likely though, it was to aid in the abatement of chronic halitosis, which afflicted a few of my older relatives who had been chain smokers when chain smoking was seen as benign. At any rate, the candy was always there, and for a four-year-old who is eye-level with a crystalline dish of brightly colored candy I couldn’t resist. I took one of the red and white swirly peppermints and had someone unwrap it for me. Mind you, most of this information is coming from the telling and retelling of this story by eye-witnesses, all of which, save my mother, were in their 70s, so the story has some inconsistencies. The broad strokes, however, are similar enough to reconstruct the event accurately. The only part I can vaguely remember is that all of a sudden I felt a painful pressure in my throat and I couldn’t breathe. I struggled to swallow and gasped for air. Even at four, I sensed something was terribly wrong and I started to make a scene. The older women threw up their fatty arms, freaking, but because of late stage diabetes they couldn’t really move with any quickness. My mother, who had poured over every child-rearing book available during her pregnancy and had even read two complete first-aid books, calmly paused her conversation. She walked over and scooped me up. With a flattened hand and just the appropriate amount of force, she whacked me on the back three times until the little swirly mint came flying out of my throat and onto the orange/brown shag carpet. She then gave me a hug, told me everything was okay and set me back down. On her way back to her seat she casually picked up the candy dish and placed it out of reach, sat back down and continued her conversation. The calm that she exuded in a crisis situation probably prevented any psychological scarring of a youthful near death experience and I was back playing with old people things like spare doilies in no time. The ability to remain calm and collected and pull anyone, not just her children, out of terrible crises has always been a defining characteristic of my mother, Donna’s, personality. She has done it for me more times than I can even remember, and for that I will never be able to thank her. However, I do try harder all the time, which I think is common when kids become less ignorant and gain perspective with age. Donna Tollett is zombie apocalypse material. Not only can she handle a firearm, but she can make an incredible meal out of scraps and cause even that hardest, most grizzled men to laugh at themselves. She doesn’t suffer fools lightly, and takes no shit... from anyone. In short, she’s a bad ass. And she is my mother. Happy M o t h e r ’s Day mom. I love you. -Stanley Tollett

MOM NEVER FORGETS HER ELEPHANTS

I’m sure there was a day when my mom didn’t collect elephants, but I didn’t know her then. I made the mistake one week of telling her that my favorite househ o l d chore w a s dusting. Needless to say, I became very aware o f how many elephants there were in the house. Mom rarely purchased them for herself; she received them as gifts, some of them even from me. My mom only had one request about her elephants—their trunks had to be pointed up, as that meant something optimistic, something good, something fortunate. When mom was seven years old they brought her daddy home in a box from Vietnam. He wasn’t born in this country, but he died for it. I don’t think there is another man on this earth that my mom thought more highly of than her dad, I never met him, but I wish I did, he must have been a good man. A ceramic German beer stein and an American flag, folded into a triangle and entombed in glass and wood, also decorated the shelves of my child-hood home—amidst the elephants. Mom just buried her second father figure. For months he was in a home, slowly losing his memories. Mom was there by his side. “I couldn’t let him die alone,” she told me after I asked why she put herself through that. I have always been grateful for no blood relation to that man. My brother holds my same feelings. But my mother, she actually mourned the loss of that man, that man who stole her innocence. She is one person with a right to harbor hatred, but she chose forgiveness instead. Maybe, it’s because mom believes elephant’s trunks have power. I don’t remember much about when my mom had cancer; I was too young to understand. What I do remember is the staleness of a hospital room, and I have a vague recollection of some cafeteria food, but I definitely recall the little elephant carousel figurine I had picked out for her. Trunk up, of course. My mom has a faith so unshakable; the Devil himself couldn’t break her, but that didn’t stop him from trying. I was probably seven years old when mom woke up in the middle of the night and saw Satan standing at the foot of her bed threatening the possession of her soul. She immediately began to pray, and my mom cast Satan back to the depths of Hell. It was a night that only her faith could get her through and it would change her forever. She was different after that night, my somewhat rebellious and carefree mom became the most compassionate and Christ-like person I have ever known. I’ll never really know why mom collected elephants, I don’t even know if she knows. She may never say it, but I think those elephants represented my mom in a way she couldn’t express. I like to think that through those silly little knickknacks everyone else gets a glimpse of her soul—something optimistic, something good, something fortunate. I love you mom, Courtney

NEVER OUT OF LOVE

When people ask me what my mom is like, I usually start off by referring to the vanity license plate that she’s had since I was in high school. It reads PWR2WMN. Before I even knew what the word meant, I had people asking me, “Is your mom a feminist?” Not understanding what they were implying, I took offense to it as a teenager. It sounded like a bad word. As I was growing up, respect for women and the expectation that I would hold their strengths in high regard was present in my mother’s teachings. Growing up in Eugene, Oregon and eventually ending up in North Dakota after meeting my dad, my mom always seems to have a different perspective on the world than my friends’ parents. She’s more colorful in what she wears. She’s more liberal in her perspective and most importantly she’s more vocal about her passions. She’s fought for better sex education in my high school. She’s worked hard for the Council on Abused Women’s Services. She’s proven that people can make a difference for each other and most importantly she’s shown her sons that unconditional love is the most defining characteristic of a mother. Out of love she traded in her upright piano to get a digital piano in hopes it would inspire me to play more. Out of love she took on the board of our local hockey program to claim emotional abuse of players while risking her personal relationships to other parents.

I asked her on Mother’s Day what the single piece of wisdom she has used to get her through 37 years of motherhood. She said, “You can’t always be right, but your intentions can be.” As a child, I was always second-guessing the decisions of my parents and this even continues into adulthood. I’ve been analyzing how my adult relationships reflect what my parents showed me. When times are hard, I find myself seeking fault in those examples they set, but as I reread what my mother said above I realize that I haven’t been fair. I can’t expect that my mother should be perfect and should’ve done things differently. She did the best she knew how at the time and made tough decisions out of love. I know she’s been hard on herself over the years, even wishing that she could have been a better mother. I hope that she will find comfort in her own words as I now have. Mom, no matter what you feel your failures were, your intentions were pure and you are the inspiration for all the positive change I hope to bring to the world. I love you. Your son, Noah

WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM • MAY 10, 2011 • 5

ZOMBIEFIED to be caught in the shower with nothing but a toilet brush to ward of the zombifiedeleven-year-old-peeping-tom from next door. 2) Pack a survival bag. With a few minor alterations, an earthquake/tornado/flood survival bag can be easily modified to become a zombie apocalypse bag! Just ditch the flashlight (it will draw zombies who still have eyes to you) and exchange the noisy crinkle paper emergency blanket (it will draw zombies who still have ears to you) for a cloth version. You will also need an extra set of keys to your car (because you will drop them at least once during a zombie chase scene). Round out your survival bag with weapons; a sawn-off 12-gauge shotgun, ammo, a machete, baseball bat, or other appropriate melee weapons (flame thrower optional). Disclaimer: The Alchemist weekly assumes no liability for injury sustained or crimes committed using any of the above equipment. 3) Swear a pact with roommates, friends and family. During the average zombie apocalypse, statistics show that one in three people will be infected and turn on those closest to them. Decide how you would like to be disposed of in such case and agree upon it with those around you. 4) Locate the nearest Wal-Mart Superstore. In some parts of the country, it may be a dirty word—but in the event of a zombie apocalypse, this is the best place to go to stock up on anything you might need to survive. Exhaustive studies conducted by the American Society of Zombie Survivalists have shown that 75% of zombification survivors visited/lived in a Wal-Mart during their apocalypse experience. Many credit Wal-Mart’s abundance of non-perishable food, camping gear, firearms and toilet paper as the key to their survival. Often, the lack of even one of these four essential items can be the difference been a zombification survivor and just another mindless undead monster. 5) Formulate an escape route. Often, the death of survivors can be traced to the fact that they lacked a good plan of escape from zombie-infested territory, leaving their escape to fate or luck. Plan several routes, not discounting far-fetched or non-conventional ideas such as emu or hang-glider centric escapes. Avoid all sewer-based strategies; those have been proven time and time again to be ineffective (and stinky). Be sure that gas tanks are always full, and we recommend monster trucks and steam rollers as preferred ground transportation unless you are located near a military base and may have access to a tank (Abrams preferred). For water transportation, anything with a motor will suffice, as zombies are not strong swimmers, but keep in mind that what leaves the shore, must eventually return. The same principles apply to smaller aircraft. In many cases, it is wise to avoid airports in the event of zombification, our studies have indicated that infection spreads at a much

The Zombie Apocalypse is coming, one way or another. Luckily for you, The Alchemist Weekly is here to help you get through it with your brains intact.

The zombie apocalypse is upon us by Jimbo “Double-Tap” Ivy and Sarah “Tallahassee Twinkie” Sullivan artwork this page by Patricia Smith artwork opposite page by Keegan Hudspeth

pring is traditionally a time in which we focus on renewal, rebirth and the unceasing joys of life. However, during this time of unwary frolic and felicity we become most vulnerable to the single most deadly threat to mankind’s continued existence: Zombies. Walkers. The Undead. Revenants. However you call them, these undead creatures diabolical in their single-minded hunger for our brains and flesh will soon be among us: staggering, sprinting and groaning their way toward our vital bits. From religious texts, to folklore, to the popular media, zombies are a deeply rooted fear in the human subconscious, either as appeteasers for a forthcoming religious apocalypse (May 21, 2011 is the next scheduled Judgment 6 • MAY 10, 2011 • WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM

Day, according to the billboards around town) or as confirmation that all our fears regarding scientific meddling with genetics and bio-weapons are justified. This many reliable, credible sources can’t be wrong, people. The Zombie Apocalypse is coming, one way or another. Luckily for you, The Alchemist Weekly is here to help you get through it with your brains intact. As May is National Zombie Awareness Month, according to the multinational zombie watchdog organization Zombie Research Society (www.zombieresearch. org), we have collected survival stratagems and techniques for you buried deep within the dark recesses of the Internets. We have also completed an in depth zombie safety evaluation of the city of Corvallis. We do

this with the hope that, though the Zombpocalypse may soon be upon us, we’ll still have animate readers spraying Fourth St. with shotgun fire in order to snatch up the handwritten copies of The Alchemist Weekly we’ll be hurling down each week from our bunker atop The Intersector Workspace. Now, we all know that the best offense is a good defense (unless you’re Donald Trump) so there are steps you can take now, before the impending crisis, in order to make your odds of ending up a zomb-snack much less likely. 1) Be sure that all rooms in your home or office are equipped with either a blunt, loaded, or sharp weapon. All of them. You do not want

ZOMBIEFIED higher rate among flight attendants. Once you’ve settled on your mode of escape, plot a course, considering elements such as the amount of time you will be in the open, any alleyways and shortcuts as well as the distance from shopping malls and Starbucks where zombies tend to congregate, even prior to zombification. However, preparation is only the beginning. Equally important is the ability to discern, after the infection begins, who is simply another undead-weary survivor—and who is going to try to eat your face parts. We have collected the five most common signs of zombification from leading experts around the globe for your protection. 1) Obliviousness to Mutilation—The most obvious indicator that a person has been infected is a lack of attentiveness to exposed muscle tissue, missing skin and an extreme loss of blood. There are very few recorded cases of the infected appearing normal and healthy, even in health-conscious areas like Oregon. Once zombification takes its course, the newly zombified react only to temporal lobe needs, specifically feeding. The generally disregard all personal injury.

making it impossible for this sound to be intelligent. The Call varies with each infected individual. However, it is typified by a guttural howl, often combined with low moaning or heavy breathing. Once properly identified, the undead must be dealt with quickly and efficiently if you hope to survive the encounter. Luckily for you, dear Reader, there is a rich and vibrant curriculum of combat techniques that even the most pacifistic and peace-loving Oregonian can easily adapt into their daily routine once the world comes to the inevitable, zombie-tastic end of days, in accordance with prophecy. 1) The Ash Williams School—The always popular fighting style, created by Ash Williams of “Evil Dead” fame and practiced by 35% of successful survivors utilizes: a 12 gauge, double-barrel shotgun known as a “Boomstick,” and a chain saw that dedicated disciples often use to replace their right hands. 2) Blackmore Bashing—Named after the famous guitarist’s tendency to destroy his guitars on stage, this fighting style is a combination of morale-boosting showiness and a deadly harnessing of power and rage. The weapon of choice can be any solid-body electric guitar but high level practitioners opt for Richie Blackmore’s choice instrument: an American Fender Stratocaster. This is a less popular fighting style, only boasting 15% of the survivor population due to lack of a dependable source for electric guitars during your typical zombification event. 3) The Shaun—The preferred method in countries currently or previously belonging to the British Empire. It utilizes a cricket bat or, less prominently, a croquet or polo mallet to cause cranial destruction and discontinue functionality of the zombie’s frontal lobe. As we do not have reliable international statistics, we cannot in good conscience speculate as to the overall popularity or effectiveness of this method. 4) Bunyan Style—An axe based form of fighting preferred by Midwesterners. Utilizing any type of hand axe, adherents focus on single, powerful blows to the skull at extreme close range. Regional tournaments for Bunyan Style are held yearly in preparation for national zombification and have become a favorite pastime for many survivors; Bunyan is currently the fighting style ranked highest in number of practitioners at 45%. 5) Headhunters—The most difficult form of zombie apocalypse fighting styles, drawing on all other disciplines. The practitioners of this elite style draw immense pleasure from their ability to utilize whatever they find (usually with tremendous glee) to cause the most amount of destruction possible. Their preferred weapons include explosives, flame throwers, grenade launchers, steam rollers, gasoline (in any form/container), piano wire, and for the most skilled, their bare hands. Only 5% of the survivor population can be called Headhunters; it is immensely dangerous and relies so much

Once properly identified, the undead must be dealt with quickly and efficiently if you hope to survive the encounter. 2) Vacant Expression and Loss of Facial Muscle Control—This particular sign may give the observer an early indication of someone who is infected and will soon succumb to zombification, thus giving the uninfected an opportunity to make an unobtrusive exit. As the infection circulates the body and begins to affect the brain, fine motor functions, such as blinking and facial control, are some of the first to fail. However, a slack-jawed open mouth should not be considered the only determiner before opening fire; party members useful in slowing an oncoming horde may be executed prematurely. 3) Staggering, Aimless or Labored Gait—As with facial indicators, the destruction of motor neurons by the infection will correspondingly affect the movements of the zombified. Often, overly humane survivors will approach zombies who they incorrectly presume are simply inebriated or injured humans, thus falling prey to this ambiguous third indicator. With regards to this, the classic axiom, “when in doubt, don’t” is easily modified to, “when in doubt, maim.” 4) Pungent Odor—A solid indicator of zombification is the smell: a mixture of odors associated with funeral homes, public toilets and packing plants. An observant survivor can easily identify this smell within five blocks or one-half mile of their location and act accordingly. 5) The Call—Zombified individuals have a distinctive call they utter to their fellows when they spot fresh meat. Scientists, such as the fine folk with the Umbrella Corporation have studied these calls and determined that we should not interpret this as language and thus consciousness; the infection destroys the brain’s cognitive functions

upon quick-thinking, deft-agility, and a certain degree of insanity. Now, some of you may not wish to be involved in the further mutilation and generally ghastly enterprise of zombie hunting, as it is either not conducive to your delicate nature, or you just don’t want to get all “icky.” For your consideration, we determined members of The Alchemist Weekly Zombification Awareness Patrol (or AWZAP!) have tirelessly spent the last few weeks combing Corvallis in order to determine the most (and least) likely places for folks like you to haul out the nails and plywood and make your very own safe room.

The Least Safe Rooms Zombies, though mindless and lacking a coherent memory of their former existence, have a tendency to return to the social gathering places they once frequented. As a result, Monroe Ave. above 11th and the area known as downtown, will be one of the most dangerous for survivors to venture after the infection takes hold. The concentration of apartments, eateries and establishments serving craftbeers and PBR will make the campus and downtown areas ideal for early-stage infected college students trying desperately to quench the insatiable thirst and hunger building inside them. This gives the area an extremely high score on the Romero Zombification Index (RZI). Add in the fact that transmission of the infection will be primarily through close physical contact and saliva and suddenly the previously innocent dance clubs downtown quickly become inescapable bastions of zombification. Our studies have indicated the primary epidemiological epicenters in this zone will be Bombs Away Café, The Top of the Peacock, a s well as the Second St. Beanery. Churches, strangely enough, also have a historically high RZI score, as panicked citizens will flock to them for guidance and salvation during a zombification event, thus making them likely exposure and concentration centers for the infection.

tion for the elegant or high profile survivor. The only drawback would be the eventual need for supplies, which if you’re smart and have destroyed the elevator shafts and stairwells, would involve rappelling down the side of the building. Zombies are less effective hunters in wide, open areas; Corvallis’ many parks and hiking trails are ideal choices for the outdoorsier survivor. Mary’s Peak is also certainly an option, but as many people will be drawn to the isolation it represents, it has a slightly higher RZI than the other wilderness areas in the municipal area. Realistically, the isolated, self-sustaining farms that dot the Willamette Valley are probably your best bet, so you should probably give that anarchist cousin up in the hills a call; his familiarity with firearms and loathing for civilization will never be more appreciable than during the upcoming undead chaos. Even with this treasure-trove of zombie facts and figures, there are still plenty of mistakes to be made, and we’d much rather you didn’t do that. So, here are the top five zombpocaplypse mistakes you should avoid in order for our readership to continue after the end of civilization as we know it: 1) Windows—It’s an innate human desire to want to know what is happening in your surroundings, but though the zombified have a depleted amount of brain functionality, they can still grasp the fact that windows are thin, translucent separations between them and their prey. A common mistake amongst would-be survivors is standing in front of or opening windows, allowing the zombified to drag their prey out or through the window. cont’d on page 12

The Most Safe Rooms The Vue, perched atop the Elements Building downtown, is an ideal, albeit precarious, choice for your prospective safe room. With ample vantage points for sniper or explosive deployment, as well as luxurious and tasteful appointments, the Vue is a perfect safe room soluWWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM • MAY 10, 2011 • 7

ALCHY PICKS

[week of May 10th]

Saturday| May 14th | 8:30 am Corvallis: 2nd and Western WALK ON, WATER...WALK ON

This Saturday Corvallians will take to their feet in support of their sister city Gondar, Ethiopia in hopes of bringing clean drinking water to those that desperately need it. The Corvallis Walk 4 Water will benefit the Corvallis-Gondar Sister Cities Association, specifically their work focused on water, sanitation, and watershed management. The goal of this event is to raise $10,000. The walk/run will begin in downtown Corvallis and participants will walk a similar distance as Ethiopian women and children walk each day to gather water. The walk/ run route extends to the south side of Avery Park and back, covering 5 km. Registration is required to participate in the walk, as that is one way in which the event is generating money for Gondar. Registration fees are $5 for students, $10 for non-student individuals, and $20 for families. Participants can either register at Water 4 Water’s website (www. walk4watercorvallis.org) or in person and are welcome to encourage pledges from local businesses or individuals to be applied to their walking. According to Walk 4 Water’s website one third of the world’s population reside in “water crisis” countries with two million dieing each year due to poor water quality. In these areas it is not uncommon for women and children to walk between 3-6 miles per day to fetch this polluted, hazardous water. By walking the 3+ miles on May 14, participants ensure that for every $1 invested in water and sanitation, $9 is returned in improved health and productivity of the citizens in Gondar. The proceeds from the event also improve the Gondar watershed by planting trees and agricultural crops to reduce soil erosion and sedimentation of the city reservoir while delivering clean water to city residents and provide financial support for the University of Gondar faculty and community health workers, who educate residents about health, hygiene, and sanitation practices. -Jimbo Ivy

Saturday| May 14th | 6:00 pm Sunnyside Up Cafe SECOND SATURDAYS

Second Saturdays Benefit Concert Series is sponsored by Veterans for Peace, chapter 132; The Troubadour Music Center; and Corvallis Alternatives to War (www.alt2war.org) Gumbo will feature Sid Beam (guitars,vocals,songwriter) and Joe Casprowiak (horns, flute, banjo,vocals). These two dynamos have been playing music for over 40 years and know exactly how to get toes tapping and heads bobbing to their spicy, spirited Gumbo tunes. We’ll be treated to a variety of songs - originals by Sid Beam and also some creative renditions of older songs which hark back to music style and traditions of the old South during the first half of the 20th century and the 1930s depression era. Gumbo’s 2009 CD, “Never Tell Me to Quit,” will be available for sale on concert night. It includes nine original songs written by Sid

Beam and three vintage covers. According to Sid and Joe, “the emphasis is on having fun and allowing for a musical synergy ...” Beneficiary: The Mid-Valley Health Care Advocates (MVHCA) is a local chapter of Health Care for ALL-Oregon. HCAO sponsored the ballot initiative for single payer health care in 2002. The organization is currently lobbying at the state level for HB3510 and SB888, effectively an Oregon single payer system, also known as Medicare for All: “Everybody in, nobody out!” While MVHCA’s focus and preference is single payer health care, they review many suggestions for health care reform and consider various ways to reduce costs, organize, and deliver health care. MVHCA’s ultimate goal: “to achieve quality, affordable, and accessible health care for everyone through publicly accountable, unified financing. Why Mid-Valley Health Care Advocates believe that a single payer health care system

[OLD-TIME]

Saturday | May 14th | 6:00 pm

Gumbo Sunnyside Up Cafe

in Oregon and the US is the best way to insure our health: Currently, Americans purchase very expensive healthcare coverage from over a thousand private, for profit insurance companies. We spend twice what any other nation on earth spends for health care. Health care insurance is so out of reach that fifty million of us are uninsured and every year fifty thousand of us die unnecessarily because we lack health care coverage. In 2010, the World Health Organization ranked the USA #37 in overall health care. For comparison, France - with its system of universal, government insured health care - ranked #1 while actually spending far less on health care than we do. A greater percentage of total national income is spent on health care in the US than in any UN member state except for East Timor. We are in a health care crisis and the 2010 Obama legislation will not do much to get us out of it. Obama Care is a move away from a single payer system. It seeks to address our health care crisis by requiring Americans to purchase health insurance from the private, profit driven companies, some of which had a central role in writing the legislation! It is tragic that in this context the US health insurance companies are seeing extraordinarily rising profits. In contrast to ObamaCare, a single payer system would have just one non-profit payer of our medical bills rather than over a thousand different for profit payers and everyone would have comprehensive health care. Considering Americans currently pay $2.8 trillion a year on health care, a single payer system could save us $400 billion a year. We can only imagine the public good that could be accomplished with that kind of savings! -Contributed

From local farms and ranches to the table, every day. Our menu changes each day with whatever is looking good. Thanks, Corvallis, for calling us one of your favorite restaurants. It’s been a great year! weds through sun, 4:30–9 ish 541-753-4171 for reservations

134 Southwest Fourth Street (by Madison) i-love-luc.com (+ check us out on yelp.com)

8 • MAY 10, 2011 • WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM

Sunday | May 15th | 12:00 to 4:00 pm AROUND TOWN COCKADOODLEDO IT

Tuesday through Friday | May 10th to May 13th | ALL DAY OSU CAMPUS NOT TOO PROUD 4 PRIDE WEEK Tuesday, May 10

Tabling in the Quad 10:00am-3:00pm MU Quad HIV Rapid Testing 10:00am-3:00pm Snell 536 Guess the Het 12:00pm-2:00pm MU 206 Make Your Own Sex Toys 12:00pm-2:00pm MU (TBA) Queer YOUR Health! 12:00pm-2:00pm MU 206 The Astrology of Being Queer 5:00pm-7:00pm MU 208 Out on Greek Row 7:00pm-9:00pm Owen 102 The Genderfellator Film Screening: An Evening with Feminist Pornographer Tobi HillMeyer 7:00pm-9:00pm MU Council Room

Wednesday, May 11

Tabling in the Quad 10:00am-3:00pm MU Quad Two Spirit People 12:00pm-2:00pm MU Quad Against the Binary: Privilege & Gender Identity 3:00pm-4:00pm MU 208 Crossing the Border: Documentation, Im-

migrants, and LGBT People 4:00pm-5:00pm MU 206 LGBT/Faculty Staff Kneads Assessment 5:00pm-10:30pm Crop Science Building 026 Multi-Generational Queer Panel 5:30pm7:00pm MU 206

Sick of relying on other people’s untrustworthy chickens? If you’re not caged up this Sunday, come out to the “Cooped Up in Corvallis: Chicken Coop Tour.” The chicken & duck coop is a self-guided tour that will take you through many of the residential chicken coops located around Corvallis (through a bunch of random stranger’s backyards.) The 3rd annual coop tour involves raffles, workshops, and plenty of activities for the kiddos. The Corvallis Cluckers will be

there to give you great tips on building and maintaining your own chicken coop so you can see if you are ready to take the plunge into promoting your personal poultry. The tour is this Sunday, May 15th from noon to 4 p.m. Tickets and maps are $10 at the SAGE Garden the day of, or can be purchased in advance for $7 at either First Alternative Co-op or the Corvallis Environmental Center. Kids 12 and under are free. A beautiful new coop will be also be auctioned off, complete with live chickens! Cockadoodledon’t miss out on this amazing opportunity! -Craig Wiroll

Thursday, May 12

Tabling in the Quad 10:00am-3:00pm MU Quad I Love my Queer Body! 11:00am-12:00pm MU 206 Live Homosexual Acts! 12:00pm-2:00pm MU Quad Queer Abstinence! 2:00pm-3:30pm MU 206 PFLAG Panel 3:00pm-4:00pm MU 208 Don’t Be a Drag, Just Be a Queen/King! 4:00pm-6:00pm Women’s Center All the Colors of the Rainbow: An Art Exhibition on Multiculturalism and Sexuality 6:00pm-9:00pm MU MLK Room

Friday, May 13

Tabling in the Quad10:00am-3:00pm MU Quad Lube Event 12:00pm-2:00pm MU Quad Drag Show 7:00pm-11:30pm MU Ballroom Courtesy of Becca Schiewe

WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM • MAY 10, 2011 • 9

tuesday10 Corvallis

SUNNYSIDE UP CAFÉ Celtic Jam, 7:00 pm, FREE [LISTEN/PLAY]

livemusic sing&dance

Albany

RILEY'S BAR & GRILL Cutting Edge Productions presents Throwback Thursday with DJ Tray, FREE [DANCE]

Corvallis

ELKS LODGE Beginner Line Dance 7:00 pm, $3 [DANCE] IMPULSE BAR Cuban Salsa 7:30 pm FREE [DANCE] PEACOCK BAR & GRILL Main Stage: Karaoke with Sqwig-e-okie, 9:00 pm, FREE [SING] UNITARIAN UNIVERSALIST FELLOWSHIP Fellowship Community Choir rehearsals, 7:00 pm, $50 for 12 week term [SING]

Lebanon

MERLIN'S BAR & GRILL Karaoke, 9:00 pm [SING]

Halsey

WOODY'S BAR & GRILL “Terry-oke” Karaoke with Terry Geil, 9:00 pm, FREE [SING]

stuff

Corvallis

APPLEBEE'S National Trivia Association Night, 9:00 pm, FREE [TRIVIA] BENTON COUNTY LIBRARY Prairie appreciation and wildflower talk, 7:00 pm, FREE [LECTURE] BENTON HOSPICE Death, Dying, and Religion, 12:00 pm, FREE [LECTURE] ENOTECA WINE BAR Girls night out! Knit night, 7:00 pm [SHE'S CRAFTY] OSU MU JOURNEY ROOM Screening: “Some Days Are Better Than Others,” 8:30 pm, FREE [SCREENING] WINESTYLES Spring Trivia League Starts Tonight! [TRIVIA]

wednesday11 Corvallis

livemusic

FARMER’S MARKET Kurt Smith, 9:30 am, FREE [ACOUSTIC]

Albany

sing&dance

EAGLES LODGE Albany Senior Dance, 1:30 - 3:30 pm, $3 [DANCE]

Corvallis

APPLEBEE’S DJ Stoltz Dance Party, 9:00 pm, FREE [DANCE] PETER GYSEGEM’S STUDIO Argentine tango classes, 7:15 pm, $5 [DANCE] PEACOCK BAR & GRILL Main Stage: Karaoke, 9:00 pm, FREE [SING]; On the Top: Western Wed 9:00 pm, [DANCE]

Lebanon

stuff

Albany

livemusic

CALAPOOIA BREWING Wild Hog in the Woods, 7:30 pm, FREE [STRINGBAND] BOMBS AWAY CAFÉ Curtis Monette & acoustaphillia, 8:30 pm, FREE [LOOPY] CLOUD 9 Cloaked Characters, ChannelZERO, Caitlin Cardier, 10:00 pm [HIP-HOP] FIREWORKS Performers Spotlight Series hosted by Gabriel Surley, 8:00 pm [SHOWCASE] DOWNTOWN DOG Country Jam, 6:00 pm, FREE [COUNTRY] PEACOCK BAR & GRILL EAST Blues Jam, 7:00 pm, FREE [BLUES]

10 • MAY 10, 2011 • WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM

PEACOCK BAR & GRILL Main Stage: Karaoke, 9:00 pm [SING]; On the Top: DJ Mike, 9:00 pm [DANCE] UNIVERSALITY UNITARIAN Dance of Universal Peace (Sufi dancing), 7:00 pm [DANCE]

Lebanon

MERLIN'S BAR & GRILL Karaoke, 9:00 pm [SING]

stuff

Albany

ALBANY CIVIC THEATRE “The Miracle Worker,” 5:30 pm, $11 [STAGE]

Corvallis

BENTON COUNTY LIBRARY Tracy Daugherty Q&A with Karl Marlantes, 2:00 pm, FREE [BOOKS] Author Karl Marlantes “Matterhorn,” 7:00 pm, FREE [READING] CHS MAIN STAGE “The Three Musketeers,” 7:00 pm, $10 [STAGE] CORVALLIS HYDROPONICS VermiCrop, 11:00 am – 5:00 pm, FREE [GARDEN] ENOTECA WINE BAR Chocolate Truffle Thursdays, 6:00 pm, FREE [YUMMERS] DOWNTOWN CORVALLIS First Thursday Art Walk, 4:00 to 8:00 pm, FREE [COMMUNITY] FIRST ALT COOP NORTH BeerTasting, 5:00 pm [BEER ME] FRANKLIN SCHOOL Neighborhood & Tree Tour, 2:00 pm, FREE [TREES] LIVE WELL STUDIO Free Teen Yoga by Reach Out Yoga, 4:00 pm, FREE [YOGA] OSU ALUMNI CENTER Willamette Angel Conference 2011, 8:00 am – 5:00 pm, FREE [INVESTORS] OSU MU JOURNEY ROOM Deborah Pearsall, “Food and Society at Real Alto,” 4:00 pm, FREE [LECTURE] WINESTYLES Gordon Brothers Winery Tasting, 5:30 pm, $7 [WINE ME]

friday13

livemusic

CALAPOOIA BREWING Vicki Stevens Band, 8:00 pm [BLUES] RHYTHM and BREWS CAFÉ Olivia’s Pool, 7:00 pm [BLUES]

Corvallis

BEANERY ON 2ND Craig Sorseth, 8:00 pm, FREE [ACOUSTIC] BELLE VALEE TASTING ROOM Nicasio Ralph, Beth Brown & the Acorn Bros, 7:00 pm, FREE [ACOUSTIC] BOMBS AWAY CAFÉ Empty Space Orchestra, 10:00 pm, $5 [POST-ROCK] FIREWORKS Tom and Ellen Demerest, 8:00 pm [AMERICANA] OSU MU LOUNGE John Nilsen, 12:00 pm, FREE [PIANO]

Lebanon Tangent

DIXIE CREEK SALOON Tourist and The Ignorant Sluts, 9:00 pm, $3 [ROCK]

sing&dance

Corvallis

BENTON LIBRARY Random Review: Pete Sandrock, former DA, on “Matterhorn: A Novel of the Vietnam War,” 12:00 pm [BOOKS] Lecture “Homebodies, Globetrotters and Nomads,” 7:00 pm, FREE [BIRDS] CLOUD 9 Beer and Blog, 5:00 pm [LAGER BLOGGER] CORVALLIS HYDROPONICS VermiCrop, 11:00 am – 5:00 pm, FREE [GARDEN] ENOTECA WINE BAR Ken Wright Cellars, 7:00 pm, $10 [WINE TIME] FIRST STREET DOWNTOWN Corvallis Farmer’s Market, 9:00 am – 1:00 pm, FREE [MARKET] OLD WORLD DELI Peace Corps 50th Anniversary Celebration, 5:00 pm – 8:00 pm, FREE [HARD CORPS] OSU NATIVE AMERICAN LONGHOUSE Cultural Center Ground Breaking, 10:30 am, FREE [CEREMONY] OSU WEATHERFORD RM 104 Sound Designer Kelley Baker, 7:00 pm, FREE [LECTURE]

Lebanon

Corvallis

RILEY'S BAR & GRILL Cutting Edge Production presents Ladies Night with Dj Tray, FREE [DANCE]

Corvallis

EAGLES LODGE Line dance, 7:00 pm, $4 [DANCE]

Albany

CITY HALL Preservation Awards presentation, 7:15 pm, FREE [AWARD] DOWNTOWN ALBANY Historic Downtown Walking Tour, 5:30 pm, FREE [TOUR] LBCC CALAPOOIA CENTER Author Jed Wyman reads short stories, 12:00 pm, FREE [BOOKS]

Albany

sing&dance

DOWNTOWN DOG D.C. Blues, 6:00 pm [BLUES]

MERLIN'S BAR & GRILL Karaoke, 9:00 pm [SING]

thursday12

Albany

Tangent

DIXIE CREEK SALOON Blues Jam with Wild Bill, 7:00 pm [BLUES]

THURSDAY CONTINUED....

CLOUD 9 Riot in the Clouds, 10:00 pm, FREE [DJ CHI DULY] CORVALLIS SENIOR CENTER Friday Night Dance by The Syncopators, 7:00 pm, $4 [DANCE] PEACOCK BAR & GRILL Main Stage: Karaoke, 9:00 pm [SING]; On the Top: DJ Heartburn, 9:00 pm [DANCE]

Halsey

WOODY'S BAR & GRILL “Terry-oke” karaoke with Terry Geil, 9:00 pm, FREE [SING]

Lebanon

DUFFY'S IRISH PUB Karaoke, 10:00 pm, FREE [SING] MERLIN'S BAR & GRILL Karaoke, 9:00 pm [SING]

Albany

stuff

ALBANY CIVIC THEATRE “The Miracle Worker,” 8:00 pm, $11 [STAGE] LBCC PERFORMANCE CENTER “Love, Lies, and Lunacy,” 7:30 pm, $10 [STAGE] ALBANY PUBLIC LIBRARY Author/former homocide detective Rob Englert “Blood Secrets,” 12:00 pm [LECTURE]

Corvallis

ARTS CENTER “Celebration of Youth,” 4:00 pm, FREE [ART] CHS MAIN STAGE “The Three Musketeers,” 7:00 pm, $10 [STAGE] FIRST ALT COOP SOUTH Wine tasting, 5:00 pm [WINE ME] MAJESTIC THEATRE Corvallis Community Theatre: Kiss Me, Kate, 7:30 pm, $16 [STAGE] OSU MU QUAD American Cancer Society Relay for Life, 6:00 pm – 8:00 am [CAUSE] WINESTYLES Friday Flights, 5:00 pm [WINE ME]

Infestation livemusic

Albany

CALAPOOIA BREWING Van Meyers Jazz, 8:00 pm [JAZZ IS NAME OF THE GAME] FARMER’S MARKET Rick Ross, 9:30 am, FREE [BLUES]

Corvallis

BEANERY ON 2nd Pete Kozak, 8:00 pm, FREE [ACOUSTIC] BOMBS AWAY CAFÉ Cicada Omega, 10:00 pm, FREE [JUNKYARD BLUES] CLOUD 9 Loaded for Bear, Painted for Grey, 10:00 pm [INDIE] FARMER’S MARKET Lonesome Valley, 9:00 am [COUNTRY] Melanie & Suzanne, 11:00 am [FLUTE/HARP] FIREWORKS Gabriel Surley Project, 8:00 pm [INDIE FOLK] FIRST CONGREGATIONAL CHURCH Corvallis Repertory Singers: Curtain Up! 3:00 and 8:00 pm, $17 [CHOIR] SUNNYSIDE UP CAFE Second Saturdays Benefit for Mid-Valley Health Care Advocates feat. Gumbo, 6:00 pm, $5 [STRINGBAND]

[JUNKYARD BLUES] Saturday | May 14th | 10:00 pm

Cicada Omega Bombs Away Cafe

Albany

sing&dance

RILEY'S BAR & GRILL Cutting Edge Production presents DJ Tray, FREE [DANCE]

Corvallis

CORVALLIS DANCE CENTER CENTER Beginning Ballroom Lessons, 3:00 pm, Intermediate West Coast Swing Lessons, 4:00 pm, Beginning West Coast Swing, 6:00 pm [DANCE] PEACOCK BAR & GRILL On the Top: DJ Heartburn, 9:00 pm [DANCE]

Lebanon

DUFFY'S IRISH PUB Karaoke, 10:00 pm, FREE [SING] MERLIN'S BAR & GRILL Karaoke, 9:00 pm [SING]

Albany

stuff

ALBANY CIVIC THEATRE “The Miracle Worker,” 5:30 pm, $11 [STAGE] CITY HALL Albany Farmer’s Market, 9:00 am – 1:00 pm, FREE [MARKET] LBCC PERFORMANCE CENTER “Love, Lies, and Lunacy,” 7:30 pm, $10 [STAGE] LINN COUNTY EXPO Live Well Age Well Health Expo, 9:00 am – 3:00 pm, FREE [HEALTH]

Corvallis

AVALON WINE Wine tasting, 12:00 – 3:00 pm [WINE-IN] BOYS AND GIRLS CLUB Family Wellness Fair, 10:00 am – 3:00 pm [HEALTH] DOWNTOWN CORVALLIS 2nd and Western: Walk 4 Water, walk4watercorvallis.org, 8:30 am [CAUSE] DOWNTOWN FIRST ST Corvallis Farmer’s Market, 9:00 am to 1:00 pm, FREE [MARKET] Corvallis Artisan’s Market, 9:00 am – 2:00 pm [CRAFTS] ENOTECA WINE BAR Saketini Saturdays, 3:00 pm [SAKE-TO-ME] GARLAND NURSERY Secrets of Growing Organic Heirloom Tomatoes with Steve Goto, 10:00 am and 1:00 pm, FREE [GARDEN] MAJESTIC THEATRE Corvallis Community Theatre: Kiss Me, Kate, 7:30 pm, $16 [STAGE] WESTMINSTER HOUSE Corvallis Drum Circle, 7:00 pm, FREE [DRUMS] WHITESIDE THEATRE Theatre Tours, 10:00, 10:30, 11:00 and 11:30 am, FREE [TOUR]

Down 1. Windpipe 2. Men who can’t move directly forward 3. Together 4. Campus marching gp. 5. “C’mon, I’m trying to concentrate!” 6. “Stay” singer Lisa 7. Excelled

To submit a calendar listing, notice of events must be received in writing by noon on Tuesday, one week before publication. Send to calendar @ thealchemistweekly.com. For photo consideration please attach high resolution images with proper photo credit.

SUNDAY CONTINUED

sunday15

Corvallis

Albany

livemusic

Corvallis

FIREWORKS Cloud Mountain Ramblers, 8:00 pm [STRINGBAND] NOVAK’S HUNGARIAN Strings of Time, 6:00 pm, FREE [FOLK]

Corvallis

PEACOCK BAR & GRILL Main Stage: Karaoke with Sqwig-e-okie, 9:00 pm [SING]

Lebanon

MERLIN'S BAR & GRILL Karaoke, 9:00 pm [SING]

4 5

sing&dance

3 1

5 6

1 9

2 4

8 8

9 sudoku-puzzles.net

stuff

AROUND TOWN Cooped Up in Corvallis: Chicken Coop Tour, 12:00 pm, $7 - $10 [CHIX] ENOTECA WINE BAR Saketini Sunday, 3:00 pm [DRINK] MAJESTIC THEATRE Corvallis Community Theatre: Kiss Me, Kate, 7:30 pm, $16 [STAGE]

stuff

Corvallis

Tangent

36. Stand up 39. Short-story writer Bret 40. Bloomsday beverage 41. It beat Beta 42. Roadside assistance org. 44. Setting for some tanning and barbecuing 45. Babes in ___ (punk band that once included Courtney Love) 46. Strut rod 48. Not up to snuff 51. Gooey gumbo veggies 52. Smallest 53. “Whenever you’re ready,” in internet slang 56. Sol lead-in 57. Sons of, in Hebrew 58. Witherspoon and Wilson’s costar in “How Do You Know” 59. “___ Lonesome I Could Cry” 60. 1987 Michael Jackson single 61. Legal conclusion? 62. “What the ___, dude?”

monday16

CALAPOOIA BREWING Blues Jam, 4:00 pm, FREE [BLUES]

DIXIE CREEK SALOON Acoustic Jam, 7:00 pm, Bluegrass Jam, 7:00 pm, FREE [iPlay]

8. Words on a check 9. “Mi casa ___ casa” 10. Watch Whiskers 11. Defunct cable co. once purchased by Comcast 12. ___-A-Fella Records 13. Brief comment written by a teacher perhaps when grading an essay because they read a sentence like this one 19. Drug and drinking binge 21. Like the ‘90s, now [sigh] 25. Action 26. Dissenting vote 27. Big name in online celebrity gossip 29. Union organizer Jimmy who disappeared 30. One-named Irish singer 31. Slave away 32. Like the colors in some boxes of condoms: Abbr. 34. Residents, e.g., at the hosp. 35. River of central Germany

Difficulty: Hard

Lebanon

WILLAMETTE SPEEDWAY Dirt Car Super Late Models, Modified, Sportsman, Classic, 6:00 pm, $14 [RACE DAY]

Inkwell Crosswords by Ben Tausig

saturday14

Across 1. Unknown time letters 4. Utah MLS club 7. Former Kia compact 14. Grafton’s “___ for Ricochet” 15. Palindromic “well, well!” 16. Ignores Bart Simpson’s advice of 15 or 20 years ago 17. Charles Darwin contemporary Gray 18. With 38-Across, what Bubbe uses to play Ms. Pac-Man? 20. Certain successfully missionized Africans? 22. Sharpen 23. Earth scientist’s prefix 24. “This ___ about me!” 28. “The Great” or “The Fat,” e.g. 32. Mr. T’s group 33. People who look to the stars 37. “Your fly is open” 38. See 18-Across 40. “___ Adore” (Smashing Pumpkins single) 43. Sprinters’ fouls 47. Tibetan city tightly managed by the Chinese 49. Bloodwort or pigweed 50. Isaac’s eldest son 51. Suffix with pay or plug 54. La ___ Jackson 55. High, but not for long? 60. The year MCMXC, technologically? 63. A drinker may run one up 64. To the extent that 65. DVRs get rid of them 66. Go out ___ limb 67. Microwave setting 68. Words in front of the rabbi 69. Rx book

FIREWORKS Southtown Talent Search: The Acoustic Showdown, 9:00 pm [LISTEN/PLAY] ENOTECA WINE BAR Non-Profit Monday: Jackson Street Youth Shelter, 5:00 pm, 20% to charity [BENEFIT] INTERSECTOR WORKSPACE 37 Cents Artists and Musicians Community Group Meeting, 6:00 pm [COLLECTIVE] PEACOCK BAR & GRILL Main Stage: Karaoke with Sqwig-e-okie, 9:00 pm [SING]

Lebanon

STARLITE SPORTS BAR Willamette Poker Tour, 7:00 pm [POKER] MERLIN'S BAR AND GRILL Karaoke, FREE [SING] WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM • MAY 10, 2011 • 11

ZOMBIE CONT’D 2) Door Locks—A simple moment of forgetfulness can turn into tragedy when the normally sturdy and effective deadbolt is not thrown and the zombified invite themselves in. The same lesson can be learned from forgetting to lock car doors as would-be survivors proceed down their prearranged escape route, picking up unwanted hitchhikers, climbing into the moving vehicle and creating what wise survivors term as a “Meals on Wheels.” This principle can also be applied to convertibles and smart cars. 3) Using Movie Knowledge to Combat the Zombified—It seems a tedious point to make but the advice/knowledge of how best to combat the zombified given in the media is less than useless in a real situation. A common would-be survivor mistake is to attempt a combat fighting style without studying it “because they saw it in a movie,” making the beginner an easy meal to the infected. 4) Trying to Save Everyone—As shown in countless zombie education videos such as “Dawn of the Dead,” the chance that a survi-

vor will be able to rescue other survivors significantly decreases based on the rescuee’s age, condition and location in relation to the mob of infected and the survivor. Another common would-be survivor mistake is to plunge into rescue situations without planning and evaluating the potential cost of said mission, usually sealing the fate of both as “human confetti” in survivor terms. 5) Failure to Ration—The perfunctory mistake made by would-be survivors usually hinges on a failure to ration ammunition, food, water, and supplies. This can lead to groups disbanding and being picked off one by one, starvation, dehydration, survivorcannibalism (in the most extreme cases), and unwise venturing out for rations without a carefully laid and executed plan. Good luck, survivors. In the immortal words of GI JOE, “Now you know, and knowing is half the battle.” When it comes to the zombie apocalypse, the other half of the battle is bullets, common sense, and The Alchemist Weekly: Postapocaplyptic Edition!

O’PINING PINTS LICKSPIGOT TRIES ON FRANCYPANTS

JACKSON STREET YOUTH SHELTER NOW HIRING! We are looking for: Part Time Overnight Case Worker This person would get paid between $9/hr to $10.25/hr working shifts 12a-8a Friday-Sunday. Part Time Case Worker This person would get paid between $8.50/hr to $9.50/hr and will be working 2-3 permanent 8 hour shifts per week. On-Call Case Worker This person would get paid between $8.50/hr to $9/hr and will need to cover shifts. The wage will be determined on education, experience, and your commitment to JSYSI and the Corvallis Community. To apply please do a resume, cover letter, have at least 3 references or reference letters, and copies of your current First Aid/CPR/Food Handlers certifications. The application can be sent by email or you can hand it in, in person. Please contact KendraSue Phillips-Neal, Shelter Director @ sheltermanager@jsysi.org or 541-754-2404

12 • MAY 10, 2011 • WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM

The opportunity literally fell out of the sky and unexpectedly onto my lap. The pitch was so seamlessly delivered that I wasn’t quite sure if the offer was genuine or a vicious taunt. Lyle Railsbeck, Kermit Lynch Wine Merchant (KLWM) regional rep for the western United States, stopped by the shop with another wine rep to sell me some KLWM wines, and after the two traveling salesmen waited a toe-tapping long time for a break to occur between customers, we made some generic small talk about wine sales. Changing the direction of the rather mundane topic, Lyle dropped his load: “You should come to France with my tour...about 10 of us and we’ll hit producers from Champagne down through Burgundy, Jura, to the Rhone with an option for Corsica...it’ll be fun...you should go!” My heart raced, “Yes!” But, my much less enthusiastic and logical mind was screeching to a halt. Screw you brain, what do you know? Five weeks later I’ve cleared takeoff with my wifey and my shopmates. I’m penning the start of this multiple-part story at 33,000 feet above the flood and tornado ravaged section of the United States, nine hours before landing at Charles de Gaulle airport in Paris. I’m not exactly sure of the numbers, but in 18 days we will have met approximately 75 producers, and tasted, sampled and aspirated close to 1000 different wines! Many customers who come into the shop on Wednesdays—AKA “wine day”—do sarcastically marvel and quip, “Tough job.” They see us sampling a line of bottles with one or two more reps waiting in the wing. It is a tough job to keep the ol’ palate from getting tired, after 30-or-more wines, and to keep a sound head for making wine buying decisions. Not to mention being able to make a wine recommendation that will cause them to have trust and faith in my

career as a specialty bottle shop owner. Now, I’m on my way France to sip, swirl and spit my way through countless wines, to stomp the soils that make the “terror” laced in wine, to meet the heart-and-bloodand-soul of some of the most prestigious wine producers of this blue marble. Kermit Lynch launched his start in wine during the early 1970s when he opened a bottle shop in Berkley. At the time, America was trying to cultivate its culinary sensibilities and, bless our souls, a lot of cheap wine made its way into our marketplace. It took us awhile to figure out how to make great wine in the romantic rebound after prohibition. (OK, right, Willamette Valley wines were still a glimmer in our momma’s eye!) Kermit carved out his niche with fantastic French imports. Wines that had centuries in the making with a complete understanding of soil types, styles of wine to craft and biodynamic production long before “biodynamic” became a word. He did this by immersing himself in French culture. He had a house in France for residing and his kids went to French schools. Mostly, though, he set out to establish longterm relationships with the salt-of-theearth wine producers. Kermits immersion in French wines will vicariously continue through this little entourage and our leader, Lyle, in this handholding glorified wine industry tour. So, I’ll gladly drink my in flight American Airlines complementary Nicolas Feuillatte Champagne and Hall Cabernet Sauvignon as a reminder of how wines can be a generalized mediocrity. The taste of wines to come will be sweet with knowledge of the source, so pure and elegant and powerful. Stay tuned as the next few dispatches cover my travels and revelations. -Joel Rea (Corvallis Brewing Supply owner) joel@lickspigot.com

Winner of the 2011 “People’s Choice Award” KLCC Microbrew Festival in Eugene, OR

●

Coyote Kate

01 1

WEEKLY A

LOGER O R ST

for those moments of recognition. What will you do with them longterm? Remember them more than just a “passing fancy.” They are more than that. Libra (Sept. 22-Oct.23): When threatened with the possibility of a gunfight, Doc Holiday (Val Kilmer) in the movie Tombstone said, “I’m your huckleberry.” Minus the violence, this should be your stance for the week Libra. Practice saying “I’m your huckleberry.” Saying so will give the edge and persona you need. Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 22): One dream moves to the forefront of your world Scorpio. “That dream, that holy dream. While all the world were chiding, Hath cheered me as a lovely beam A lonely spirit guiding.” (Edgar Allan Poe) It will take until the Full Moon to understand what it means and there may be more to accentuate or fill in the gaps from the first illumination. Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec.20): Perspective makes mountains. Perspective forges pathways. Shakespeare penned, “If I must die I will encounter darkness as a bride And hug it in mine arms.” Others believe that when they die in martyr status, a large room of virgins awaits them. Peace is the absence of power Sag. Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 20): Today’s media offers drama of the addictive type rather than a cathartic, healing kind. Filter out the crap Cap. You cannot know yourself through voyeurism. Activate that masterbative mind of yours. You need the mental spew. Aquarius ( Jan. 20-Feb. 19): If you gave away everything that you feel makes you better than other people, what would you have left? Dig deep Water Bearer. It’s time to make an assessment of your strengths and weakness and of attitudes about your fellow humans. Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): The scent of lilacs stops me in my tracks. Realizing that their bloom time is short, I find a way to touch the blossoms, gather some, or stand in joyous wonder at their gift. Like a void or dark moon, their window is short, deeply effective, and signifies pause. Pisces, find your spring flower of power and mesh with it. Scrutinize why it appeals to you, how it fits into your world, and why it brings you joy.

,2 0 y1 ●Ma

Aries (March 20-April 19): Not all of the flora burst have burst out with new foliage. Some stand bare yet. Their systems continue to wait for consistency of warmth and light in a slow incubation. Do you feel the stirrings within you Aries? Is it of a leaf or blossom form? Do you feel the sap running? Take time to nurture it daily. Taurus (April 19-May 20): Oh ye Taureans who would honor intelligence that emanates from the heart. Share your heart gifts now. Act and speak wildly without curtailment. Your people need to hear you and your heart needs to let go. Gemini (May 20-June 21): You have a reincarnation period headed your way. Take a look at the past 14 years of your life. What were your successes? What were your failures? Repeated mistakes need to be addressed. Follow up and develop your intuition more intensely. Please. Cancer ( June 21-July 22): To some, dandelions are the ultimate visual and spatial destroyer. To others they are a source of nourishment, healing and imbibement. Follow the pathways of the first naturally sown seeds of Spring Cancer. You may land in a place of perceived perfection. On the other hand, you may light in a place that accepts and honors your gifts to the fullest extent. Leo ( July 22-Aug. 23): Do not be afraid of the woman you will meet in whose eyes you see your own mortality. Yes, you sense, but cannot see her power. Absorb and learn. Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept.22): Father Thomas Keating said, “If one completes the journey to one’s own heart, one will find oneself in the heart of everyone else.” I say be ready

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Get your day Thank you for started right supporting a healthy planet. at the Co-op! South Store: Breakfast Bar $7.99/lb both stores: Hot Organic Oatmeal $1.59

GET R ADS YOUHERE! IN ads@thealchemistweekly.com WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM • MAY 10, 2011 • 13

THE THIRD DEGREE

Q: If you had to give up one sense (sight, taste, hearing, touch, smell) what would it be? Why? Right from wrong. That sense is overrated anyway.

Contributed photo

Q: Karaoke song of choice? Have never done Karaoke, and have no plans to. I humiliate myself in plenty of other ways already, and it seems like overkill. Q: Favorite Painter? Gaugin, I suppose, but it sort of depends on my mood. Q: What is more annoying, whistling or humming? Yelling things in the middle of a song. For me, it’s right up there with throwing shit at someone’s dinner to get their attention. Sorry, what was the question again? Q: Favorite Movie? That one where Miley Cirus is in love with that one guy and then they both get crushed by a flaming train filled with toxic waste. I forget the name of it. Shit, you know what? I might have dreamed that. Ok, I’ll go with “The Proposition.” Q: Favorite anatomical feature of the opposite or same sex? Liver. Q: What is your earliest memory? Running into a wasp nest. Q: What do you drink when you are thirsty? Cabernet Sauvignon. Q: Favorite holiday? Why? Monday. It’s when everyone goes back to their jobs and the streets are finally empty again. Q: What has been the most defining moment of your life to date? When my kids were born. Q: Favorite activity that should be considered a sport? Drumming. Or getting anywhere in L.A. Q: Favorite Book? It sort of changes all the time, but for the sake of answering I’ll say Kurt Vonnegut’s book, “Mother Night.”

Rob Wynia

of Floater fame

rocks The Third Degree. Wynia is playing a solo

acoustic set Thursday, May 19 @ Bombs Away Cafe.

Q: If you could be any inanimate object, what would you be? Why? A guitar. Or maybe a piano. They are loved and they live to make music. Q: What would your death row meal consist of?

Spam, spam, spam, eggs and spam. And a fifth of whiskey.

Q: What is your normal, preferred sleep attire? NASA flight suit. Q: Would you rather have the power of flight or

invisibility? Omniscience.

Q: If you could spend the day with one historical figure who would it be? Why? Benjamin Franklin. He was totally nuts and his brain never stopped. Q: If you had to choose one historical figure to have a

threesome with the above historical figure, who and why? Marilyn Monroe. Just to cancel out how queasy I felt about being in a threesome with Ben Franklin.

Q: If you had to spend one million dollars in a

completely frivolous and selfish manner, how would you blow it? An island. My own island. Or I’d just make a record. That fits the bill too.

Q: If you were a bar drink what drink would you be? Q: Smell is the sense most tied to memory, with Probably a Guinness. Or a Greyhound. That’s a that in mind, what smell do you fear the most? tough call. The smell of an old folk’s home. 14 • MAY 10, 2011 • WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM

Q: What is a personal cure when you get nervous? Look in the mirror, point and laugh, then say, “Man, get a load of that idiot!”

Q: Favorite Disney Character? Justin Beiber

Q: What is a personal cure when you get sad?

Q: If you knew you only had 24 hours to live, how you spend your final day? In a studio, recording.

Q: Where do we go when we die? I don’t know where anyone else goes, but I go to the [aforementioned] island.

Q: What question aren’t people asked enough? “Who let you in here?”

Pretty much the same thing as above.

Q: Favorite Beatle’s song?

Q: Please answer that question? That guy over there gave me a pass.

Q: Favorite article of clothing?

Q: What word to people/you use too much? “Like”

“Harvester of Sorrow” Fez.

Q: One luxury item you cannot live without?

Q: Is it better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? Absolutely.

Q: If aliens landed and asked you to go with them,

would you? Not unless my kids could come too.

Q: Is it better to be lucky or skilled? Lucky. I know plenty of skilled people who could really use some luck, but I don’t know anyone who’s lucky that could really use some skill.

Q: Have you ever seen a ghost? I’m fairly certain that I did, once. But it’s a hard thing to be sure about.

Q: Is there a God? Well if there is then he or she or it has an incredibly ability to remain camouflaged.

Heart. No wait, lungs. Do those count? Ok, MP3 player.

let's go out

Albany

The Beanery on 2nd

Albany Civic Theater

500 SW 2nd St 541.753.7442

Alleyoop Lounge

101 NW Jackson Ave. 541.757.0694

111 First Ave. SW 541.928.4603 901 Pacific Blvd 541.941.0977

Bogey’s Bar & Grill

129 W 1st Ave. 541.929.8900

Calapooia Brewing

140 Hill St. NE 541.928.1931

Cappies Brewhouse

211 1st Ave W 541.926.1710

Cascade Grill

110 Opal St. NW 541.926.3388

Chasers Bar & Grill

Big River Restaurant & Bar Block 15

300 SW Jefferson Ave. 541.758.2077

Bombs Away Café 2527 NW Monroe Ave. 541.757.7221

China Delight Restaurant 325 NW 2nd St. 541.753.3753

Clodfelter’s

435 SE 2nd Ave 541928.9634

1501 NW Monroe Ave. 541.758.4452

Dixie Creek Saloon

Cloud 9

32994 Hwy 99E, Tangent, OR 541.926.2767

Favorite Mistake Sports Bar

5420 Pacific Blvd. 541.903.0034

Front Street Bar

2300 Northeast Front Ave. 541.926.2739

GameTime Sports Bar & Grill 2211 Waverly Dr. SE 541.981.2376

Humpty’s Dump Bar & Grill

916 Old Salem Rd NE 541.926.3111

JP’s Restaurant & Lounge

220 2nd Ave. 541.926.5546

Lariat Lounge 901 Pacific Blvd SE 541.928.2606

Linger Longer Tavern

145 SW Main St. 541.926.2174

Lucky Larrys Lounge

Wilhelm’s Spirits & Eatery 1520 Pacific Blvd SE 541.926.7001

Peacock Bar & Grill

125 SW 2nd St. 541.754.8522

Squirrel’s

100 SW 2nd St. 541.753.8057

Sunnyside Up Café

116 NW 3rd St 541.758.3353

Suds & Suds

1045 NW Kings Blvd. 541.758.5200

Troubadour

Wanted Saloon

Corner of 3rd and Monroe • Downtown Corvallis • 541.752.9032 • Mon -Sat 10:30 - 7:00, Sun 12:00 - 6:00

140 NW 3rd St.

WineStyles

2333 N.W. Kings Blvd. 541.738.9463

Lebanon

Cornerstone Café & Pub

130 SW 1st St. 541.753.9900

Enoteca Wine Bar

136 SW Washington Ave. 541.758.9095

Fireworks Restaurant & Bar 1115 SE 3rd 541.754.6958

Flat Tail Pub

202 SW 1st St. 541.758.2219

Greenberry Store & Tavern

29974 HWY 99W 541.752.3796

Harrison Bar & Grill 550 NW Harrison Blvd. 541.754.1017

Impulse

2250 South Main Rd. 541.451.3900

180 S 5th St. 541.847.6262

Duffy’s Irish Pub 679 South Main St. 541.259.2906

Fire Pit Lounge

2230 South Santiam Hwy 541.451.2010

GameTime Sports Bar & Grill

3130 South Santiam Hwy 541.570.1537

Merlin’s Bar & Grill 25 W. Sherman St. 541.258.6205

Peacock Bar & Grill East

76 E. Sherman St. 541.451.2027

Sports Shack & Deli

1250 Grant St. 541.259.0800

High 5 Sports Bar & Grill

La Bamba Mix Night Club

Meet’n Place Tavern

Luc

134 SW 4th St. 541.753.4171

Voted Favorite Winery by Alchemist Readers in 2010

Memorial Day Weekend at Tyee Monday, May 30 Music by Ty Curtis Band Horsedrawn Hayrides Adv. Tickets - $12 at Tyee & Grass Roots $15 at the gate Kids under 12 - FREE

1644 Main St.-541.929.7529 1150 Mian St. 541.929.3130

Sat & Sun, May 28-29 Winetasting Discounts Nature Trail $5 Tasting fee, refundable All Ages Event

Located in South Corvallis • Open Weekends, Noon to 5:00 pm Local Wines, Solar-Powered & Certiﬁed Salmon-Safe www.tyeewine.com

What’s your favorite flavor of Oregon Trail’s Party Pig? I don’t go flat!

--- -

Philomath

1425 NW Monroe Ave. 541.230.1114 126 SW 4th St. 541.207.3593

Corvallis’#1 choice for new and used records, CDs, and DVDs.

Happy Trails Records

DEL Alma

Downward Dog

137 SW Third Street, Corvallis • (541) 754-6098

26335 Greenberry Rd. 541.753.8754

Artisian’s Well Lounge

136 SW Washington Ave, Ste. 102 - 541.753.2222

Sales • Service • Rentals

Tyee Wine Cellars

521 SW 2nd St. 541.752.7720

Darrell’s Restaurant & Lounge

2200 NW 9th St. 541.752.6364

Thank you for naming us your Favorite Musical Instrument Store!

Wit

Brown Ale Beaver Tail - - - - - - - ---- ------Ginseng Porter IPA

124 Broadalbin St SW 541.926.2838

214 SW 2nd St. 541.753.7373

1030 S.W. Third St. 541.757.2727

---

Riley’s Billiards Bar & Grill

Crowbar

Medicine-Flower Healing Center: Education, Support and Research

-- - - ----

1296 S Commercial Way SE 541.928.3654

126 SW 1st St. 541.753.9900

Papa’s Pizza

2740 SW 3rd St. 541.738. 7600

- --

151 NW Monroe Ave. 541.752.0262

Murphy’s Tavern

Call Medicine-Flower Healing Center for confidential, professional support and assistance. 541-908-4476

Aqua Seafood Restaurant & Bar

Anyone with cancer should be ingesting cannabinoids.

Corvallis

Cannabinoids kill or inhibit cancer cells through multiple mechanisms.

honey

Do you suffer from cancer?

Wine Vault

1301 Main St. 541.929.8496

Wing Sing Restaurant & Lounge 658 Main St. 541.929.6255

Adopt your returnable/refillable pig at Oregon Trail Brewing, First Alternative Co-Op and Market of Choice Oregon Trail Brewing • 341 SW 2nd St • 541-758-3527

WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM • MAY 10, 2011 • 15

and present

The Great Cupcake Flavor Quest And the winners are.....

"Siva's revenge" Chocolate cake topped with a cardamom/ginger buttercream, rolled in curried coconut! "Easy like sundae morning" Vanilla cake, peanut butter buttercream filling, topped w/ a strawberry buttercream, crushed peanuts & a cherry! 541.928.3431 32067 Old Hwy 34 Tangent, OR

Monday - Saturday 10:00 am - 6:00 pm

GREENHOUSE: Frames & Kits, Plastics, Cloths, Heating/Cooling/Lighting ORGANICS: Composts, Nutrients, Seed Savers Exchange Retailer ENVIRONMENT: Controllers, Fans, Air Filters, Reverse Osmosis HYDROPONIC: Flood, Aero,Mediums, Nutrients, H2O Tanks LIGHTING: High Pressure Sodium, Metal Halide, T-5s, Fluorescent

20% off MSRP on most items for our military Veterans.

Commercial,Agriculture, Business,and Community Garden pricing too.

Locally owned and operated