The Alchemist Weekly by The Alchemist Weekly

Santa, I want justice for Christmas.

www.thealchemistweekly.com VOLUME 3 NUMBER 155:24â&#x20AC;˘ DECEMBER 21- DECEMBER 27, 2010

I am Santa p. 13

Homeless in Corvallis by Kris Krafft p. 7

Real man, real tree by Stanley Tollett p. 14

voice

SYMPOSIUM symposium

VOLUME 3 NUMBER 155:24, DECEMBER 21-DECEMBER 27, 2010 Editorial

VOIC E

Editors Courtney Clenney, Stanley Tollett Staff Writers Courtney Clenney, Noah Stroup, Stanley Tollett Bump Editor Courtney Clenney Contributors Dirtstir, Tim Hellman, Jimbo Ivy, Kris Krafft, Joel Rea

Opi n i on s a n d Editor ia ls , b e t h e y ours or yours , t h i s i s wh e re th e y be.

Dirtstir

Art

Art Director Freddy Ruiz Layout Editor Courtney Clenney Cover Illustration Patricia Smith

V ERDIC T

We ’ l l b e t h e judge. You be th e jur y...you tr us t us r ig h t?

Advertising

Account Executive Noah Stroup

The Tourist

Business

Publisher Noah Stroup The Alchemist Weekly is published by: CorvAlcheMedia LLC PO Box 1591 Corvallis, OR 97339

W ORD

J o u r n a l i st s c a l l th e m f e a tu re s; we say it ’s th e word.

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Homeless in Corvallis

Alchemist Mission

Real man, real tree

As a publication, our goal is to facilitate greater understanding and appreciation for the diverse social and cultural groups found in the area. In doing so, we hope to create a greater sense of community between Oregon State University and Corvallis, between Albany and Corvallis, and between Philomath, Lebanon and Corvallis-Albany. The Alchemist recognizes the various interests of these groups and is dedicated to being as fluid as the community it serves.

B U MP

I t ’s t h e c alendar of al l t h i n g s A l b a ny, Cor v a l lis , L e b a n on , a nd P h iloma th .

Crossword

LITERATI

The Alchemist is available to you for free. Please limit yourself to one copy. If your picture is in it, you are welcome

Am a t e u r p ro se, poetr y and fi c t i on st i l l h a s a h om e.

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to take enough copies for your family. Subject to availability, back issues can be purchased by mail for $5. Send your request with specific issue date to PO Box

I am Santa

1591, Corvallis, OR 97339 and include a check or money order payable to The Alchemist.

DECEMBER 21-DECEMBER 27, 2010

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Last week's puzzle solutions

I am surrounded by philosophizers. You know the type. They have the ability to turn even the most mundane of subjects into a discussion that forces your brain to work beyond its normal one-plus-one-equals-two capabilities. Somehow, in their minds one-plus-one equals three or maybe it equals zero. Who really knows how they get there. We here at The Alchemist Weekly even have a column devoted to the art of philosophizing. You’re reading it right now. Aren’t you baffled by my ability to think beyond? I can’t have a conversation with my dad without it turning into something much broader than what I had ever intended it to be. I’m like, “hey dad, I got off work early tonight because the bar was slow,” and he’s all, “well, in our trickle down economy you can’t expect anything more, until these liberal democrats learn to take some advice from fiscal conservatives, like myself.” Come again? Oh brother, here we go… I’m very literal. Rarely do I think beyond what makes the most sense to me. I don’t question the meaning of life, and to me, when you need money—like our country does—you figure out a way to make some. Legalize Marijuana! Welp, there, I said it. However, before you write me off as a hippie-pot-headjust-out-for-my-own-gain, you should know that I don’t like or smoke the stuff (or eat it, or inject it, or snort it, whatever the kids are doing these days). My reasons for this belief are purely economical. Eradicating pot smoking and selling in America has proved to be fruitless, so let’s quit spending money to get rid of it, and start using it to make some. As reported in the LA Times (The date says December 20, 2010, but since I’m writing this on the 18th, I’m thinking that’s not correct), the 2010 Monitoring the Future survey of high school seniors found out that 21.4 % of those teeny-boppers have smoked marijuana in the past month, a number larger than the number of them smoking cigarettes for the first time since 1981. Hold up, I merely point out this statistic to show that the countries efforts of drug enforcement aren’t working when it comes to pot. I in no way condone underage smoking of anything.

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So then, we all know that marijuana has medicinal value. And, we all know that it is also used recreationally. Much like cigarettes and alcohol. I probably don’t have to tell you that unlike the aforementioned legal drugs, marijuana isn’t physically addictive. Granted, over time, it can have serious health risks similar to cigarette smoking, cough, bronchitis, basically lung stuff. But, it appears the risks of smoking pot are a lot less than those of smoking cigarettes. I was having a conversation the other day with a bar customer about this very topic. He suggested that at the point when Mary Jane is legal, we would look back on this time in our history, much like we look back on prohibition days. Time magazine published an article May 24 2010, The Demon Drink by David Von Drehle, in which Drehle quoted Daniel Okrent (author of Last Call: The Rise and Fall of Prohibition) about the prohibition era: “It encouraged criminality and institutionalized hypocrisy.” Further more Okrent said, “It deprived the government of revenue, stripped the gears of the political system and imposed profound limitations on individual rights.” So there we have it, the government wasn’t making any money from it, and everyday peeps were now criminals. That sounds somewhat familiar, don’tcha think? Moving on, here we find ourselves smack dab in the middle of the worst economy since the Great Depression. Golly, I’m tired of hearing that phrase. And, there doesn’t appear to be much of a way out of it. Perhaps, this is the way life will be in America. Maybe the current situation is the new reality. Uncle Sam is trillions of dollars in debt and growing more so by the minute. Why are we allowing drug lords and gang-bangers all the money? Legalize marijuana with age restrictions, tax the shit out of it, get the country out of debt, and put some money back into our economy. I know there is a lot I don’t know, but to me, it’s a no-brainer. While marijuana is something that occurs in nature, it’s not necessarily good for you. Since the government took a backseat to alcohol and cigarettes, this is only the next most logical concession. It’s not philosophical; it makes literal sense. Dollars and cents. -Courtney Clenney think@thealchemistweekly.com

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voice

D I Rstir T

C O R VAvanities LLIS

FIFAftermath

The CNN.com headline read “World Cup nets $509 million for South Africa”, while the first paragraph of the article stated, “The tournament...generated more than $520 million in added revenue to the tourism industry”. How the hell do those numbers jibe? For a national investment of over $3.5 billion, even pretending all the revenue went to the government, the citizens and national coffers of South Africa are the big losers. Approximately 310, 000 international tourists visited, 38% were from African countries besides South Africa, almost 25% from Europe, 13% from Latin America, and 10% from North America. Yes, that doesn’t add up to 100%. Consider everywhere previously unmentioned the residence of the other 14%. Total attendance to the 64 games (matches?) was about 3.2 million, way off projections. Sportsbusinessdaily.com (etal.) has FIFA World Cup organizers putting responsibility on overseas, government, and corporate ticket holders. That’s like a cruise ship company blaming those not accepting the free flight to port of departure offers for low occupancies, or buying a ticket to support a charitable event with no intention of attending. Either case involves spending a great deal more than the implied benefit to enjoy the benefit. You know, “It’s on sale!” I wonder how the BCS money predictions will turn out.

Multigenerational Terror

Reading up on drone strikes in Afghanistan, Pakistan, and the Tribal Areas, I see Sippah, Nakai, and Sangana villages as recent targets, killing 21 suspected militants on Thursday. On Friday, drones killed another 54 suspected militants. Curious, concerned, or questioning someone’s actions? Kill them. End of problem. Andrew Roe’s book, Waging War in Waziristan, historically references these typical small Afghan villages as either centers of opposition, or hapless targets in Britain’s wars/actions of pacification in the region. The people of the Frontier and Tribal regions have persistently been fighting invaders to their homelands for...well...at least 2,500 years, when Cyrus the Great marched through on his way to dying in battle far from home. Not too long ago, our leaders dropped the news that we wouldn’t actually have combat troops out of Afghanistan by July, 2011. That’s when we will start withdrawing troops for a 2014 end date. Mind you, we will still have noncombat troops and plenty of State Department contractors (gunmen).

The Push

Guilt or innocence is not the focus here. You recall the young man questioned regarding the Corvallis mosque firebombing? The police detained him last Thursday afternoon for a “medical evaluation” after he demonstrated erratic and potentially hazardous behavior outside his home. At this writing, he is still a guest of Good Sam, where upon release he will be charged with disorderly conduct and most likely be released because of a lack of jail space. I worked in a warehouse for a while where a couple guys had a contest to make one of our coworkers cry. I’m talkin’ adult men. I didn’t participate, but I didn’t stop them, and they mentally frenzied the guy until he broke. It took a couple days for the cloud to dissipate. In retrospect, it was probably better he finished the shift screaming tearfully at a wall instead of employing any of the immediately available impromptu warehouse weapons.

"Fˮ is for Suzy

Gazette-Times editorials immediately demonstrated the readily obvious conflict inherent to State Superintendent of Schools, Susan Castillo’s, decision to allow public school children to use spell check when taking state standards tests on a computer. I get the idea that a kid seeing the corrected spelling may spell the word correctly next time he uses the word. Although homonyms may fool the computer, there are far more frightening outcomes to this practice. In an oregonlive.com article, Stdt. Castillo asserted, “We are not letting a student’s keyboarding skills get in the way of being able to judge their writing ability.” Oh dear. I’m pretty sure writing involves inscription. That doesn’t happen digitally. And folks get really upset if one scribes the monitor screen while completing the day’s crossword puzzle online. Writing and spelling are skills our schools have allowed to horribly falter. The mental actions that occur when one types are different than when one writes. Writing is an art, allowing everyone to create their own unique font. Maybe the only parameter is legibility, because the recording, transfer, and sharing of

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thoughts, information, and feelings are done using words composed of symbols. One can write on myriad surfaces using most anything, including one’s finger. You ever steam up a window to leave a message to be retrieved the next time the window steams? This use of spell check may simply be an attempt to raise test scores on a student body whose overall abilities continue to fall behind international students, in the end doing nothing to stop the slide. It is also indicative of a trend towards online education as an opportunity to reduce costs by removing human teachers. This does not imply computers are superlative instructors, it means costs will be transferred to constantly upgrading computers and maintaining “tech support”. Maybe in India. So Ms. Castillo, I gotta know. What modifications will be made for slow typists and dyslexics? In the future, who will be left able to write CROATOAN? If you don’t get the reference, look it up. Gold star if you use a real, physical book. -JTc dirtstirreply@gmail.com

DECEMBER 21-DECEMBER 27, 2010

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the epic blog of The Alchemist Weekly

EPILOGUE

voice

LETTERS to the editor

How dare you punk my punk!

I am writing in response to Joshua Bligh’s symposium “Where did all the Punk Rockers go?” Joshua, I am going to give you a little lee-way here primarily because you have come to Corvallis from a larger scene and also because maybe you have not lived here long enough to truly involve yourself in the local scene. If you had, then you would understand how obnoxious your letter seems. “Where did all the Punk Rockers go?” reads like a big slap in the face to the local punk bands who have been playing here for many years, who have kept their DIY ethics very much intact, and who are endowed with the support of a diverse following of people. There is something familial about our small scene, and I cannot help but view your statements as misinformation, artifice. Arcweld has been around for twenty years, the Wobblies for nearly ten, and Angries for four years. There are others. Have you been to any of these shows? Have you even spent the necessary time researching Corvallis’ scene before you decided to write your “Costume Call?” You may not find bum flaps at our concerts (but then again, you may), but you would surely see some form of “punk fashion” in evidence. Not that this really matters, because as you have mentioned, punk is about the music. Here, the

ethics of this movement, most of the points you have addressed, are very much intact. I suppose that I feel you are also supplanting your own understanding of punk rock and using it to fit the scene at large—a scene that means different things depending on its location; a scene that is so multi-faceted that your letter not only seems obnoxious, but naive. Why list “REAL” punk bands that are still performing like Bad Religion, and not mention X? I hope that you can spend some time at a Wobblies or Angries show in the next few months and walk away feeling the kind of epiphany and local pride, that l feel, when I see our scene in action. -Michael Thomas

Dig in a different ass Dear Mr. Joshua D. Bligh, Not all Corvallis punk rockers look like they fell out of Lars Frederiksen’s ass. Dig a little deeper. -Low Rent Robb Letters to the editor may be edited for grammar, clarity or space constraints.

The thoughts, views, and opinions expressed in Voice are of their authors and do not necessarily represent the thoughts, views or opinions of CorvAlcheMedia, LLC.

The Alchemist Weekly welcomes freelance submissions. Send material to submissions@thealchemistweekly.com or snail mail to PO Box 1591, Corvallis, OR 97339. Manuscripts will be returned if you include a selfaddressed, stamped envelope.

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DECEMBER 21-DECEMBER 27, 2010

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YOUR VOICE: letters@thealchemistweekly.com YOUR SCOOPS: news@thealchemistweekly.com YOUR WORDS: submissions@thealchemistweekly.com CONTACT US: 541.224.6873 editor@thealchemistweekly.com calendar@thealchemistweekly.com ads@thealchemistweekly.com

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verdict

OUTSoutsider I DER

It's Chrismahanukwanzakah, Outsider!!

The Chrismahanukwanzakah holiday period can be hard for a person living in a new place far away from family and friends, but do not despair fellow non-Oregonians, The Outsider is here with tips to survive your Festivus away from home! Holidays are a time rife with traditions. We decorate everything from trees to houses to pets, spending hours adorning our spaces with symbols of faith, family, and sympathetic magic. Extravagant meals are prepared and shared; be it in the non-organic, violently-murdered-turkey-ham-lutefisk way or the debatably eco-friendly-tofurkeylentil-chickpea route. However, being removed from family and friends can often disrupt these practices and lead to depression, especially when coupled with untreated Seasonal Affective Disorder. So, if you moved here from a part of the country in which it does not rain 24/7 during the holiday season and you’re used to seeing the sun more than once a week, don’t shrug off the warnings about SAD; get yourself some Vitamin D. I didn’t think it was real either, until my wife started making me take the vitamins and suddenly my outlook on our new home and all its glorious wonders improved dramatically. In addition to keeping the “scurvy of the Pacific Northwest” at bay, it’s important to make an extra effort to observe your traditions, despite the lack of your old close friends and family. My roommate and I were being lackadaisical about putting up our tree and the holidays in general because, in our opinion, “Who’s going to see it?” It was at this point that my wife Sarah crossed her arms and said, “Get in the car, boys. We’re doing this.” We grumbled, we shuffled our feet, but once we arrived at Fort Noel to select our tree, we started feeling better. Soon we were going holiday crazy! We decided to cope with missing family and friends by enacting a tree-decorating scheme that eschewed the usual glass bulbs and snowflakes. Instead, we opted to decorate our tree with what we were missing: our previous homes. We either made ornaments that directly represented the friends and family we had left behind in Kansas, or used trin-

kets of those people, hung as ornaments. The objects we hung to make our holiday feel complete varied incredibly. For example, I hung a glass frog that I had given my mother as a child. She had given it back to me shortly before I left, to remind me of her, and it was a perfect representation of her for our tree. My wife Sarah, who is much craftier than I, made oven-bake clay ornaments that represented some of our friends from back home and painted them. However, it wasn’t enough that our tree be an attempt to bring “home” to us; it also needed to celebrate our new home. So, we hung ornaments representing our favorite things about Corvallis; The Alchemist Weekly, Cloud 9 Bistro and Bar, American Dream Pizza, as well as the handful of friends we had made so far in our 5 months here in Corvallis. Even WinCo got an ornament, because on our budget, it’s the best friend we have here. My roommate and I felt sheepish afterward; we had been resisting Sarah and the holiday spirit for several weeks, simply because we were out of our element. So, after the tree was finished, we vowed to charge onward. We made plans to drive around looking at lights, enjoy the many Winter events such as the Winter Lights Festival, or catch a staging of “The Christmas Carol” by the Willamette Stage Company, and of course, continue our tradition of wandering around the fine drinking establishments on Second and Third St. on Christmas Eve and Night, spreading holiday cheer in our usual, merry way. Somehow, by observing our old traditions and modifying them in order to feel more at home, we actually got inspired to go out and find new traditions here in Corvallis. That’s how you beat the loneliness of a long distance Chrismahanukwanzakah season, fellow nonOregonians; don’t forget the past, but don’t ignore the present either. Perhaps it’s a good philosophy to have, beyond the holidays? That’s for you to judge. As for you natives, don’t forget to email me at theoutsider@thealchemistweekly. com with your wisdom, opinions, and suggestions regarding things that any Outsider needs to know to truly experience and appreciate Corvallis and the surrounding area. But for now, I’m The Outsider wishing y’all a happy and safe holiday!

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The Tourist gets lost by: Tim Hellman Two of Hollywood's biggest stars ( Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie) team up for this goofy spy thriller. It's a remake of a 2005 French film titled Anthony Zimmer which starred Sophie Marceau and Yvan Attal. The American remake is co-written and directed by Florian Henckel von Donnersmark who also directed the critically acclaimed German film, The Lives Of Others. I have not seen that film but his writing and directing here is somewhat weak. Pretty much the only good thing this film has going for it is its two stars (and a decent supporting cast including Paul Bettany and Timothy Dalton) but it really has me wondering what ever attracted Depp and Jolie to this film to begin with! Jolie plays Elise, the beautiful mistress of a mafia money-man who embezzled over $2 billion from a big time mobster (played by Steven Berkoff ). The British police want the embezzler for its share of the $775 million in taxes on the stolen money. They don't know what their target looks like though, so they've been trailing Elise for a couple years hoping she'll lead them to their man. After receiving a note from her lover, Elise sits

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next to a random American tourist named Frank (Depp) on a train hoping to lead the police into believing he's the culprit, but she unwittingly gets him targeted by the mafia, placing him in grave danger. Of course the two quickly fall for each other (despite the extreme lack of chemistry between them). The story is pretty simple and routine, but it does have a couple of clever twists toward the end and the climax is enjoyable. There are a few funny lines here and there (mostly by Depp), but for the most part the dialog is less than impressive. The direction is uninspired and the film feels like a million other mistaken identity movies we've already seen. Depp is funny throughout; and, Jolie looks gorgeous. Like many big star combinations in film, the movie is a disappointment. If only they had picked a better project together, the combined talent could have made for a truly entertaining film. I expect more from Jolie and a lot more from Depp. I seriously don't know what they were thinking, other than maybe how they were going to spend their money.

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The Alchemist

Weekly Horoscope by Coyote Kate

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

“There are only four questions of value in life… What

is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth liv-

ing for? And what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same. Only love.” Johnny Depp (Don Juan de Marco-1995). Johnny’s character, lunar, reflects Sag’s continu-

ing role this week as arbitrator of true love. Take in the lunar

eclipse, even if you’re sleeping. Note the Solstice (Dec. 21 at 3:38 p.m.) Spread the flow, Sag.

Aries (March 21-April 19) Glee, mirth, and merriment, grace your stage this week, Arians. Let your party spirit prevail. You’ve got plenty of reasons: full moon lunar eclipse, Solstice, end of the Mayan 5,125-year grand cycle, Holy Days, and the rest of the glitter and shine. You may get lucky charms or be charmed into doing something you wouldn’t normally do. Taurus (April 20-May 20) A dragging Bull gets leather-lashed. Get some real sleep. Or while you pretend you are talking on the phone, close your eyes. Find moments wherever you can, or they will find you when you are driving or performing some other important task that needs your full attention. After this rest period, you will return to your warm, sensual self, and enjoy the fine season ahead, including the Moon. Your generosity this season will be unmatched and as usual, behind the scenes. Blessed you will be. Gemini (May 21-June 20) Those ghosts of the past, including ancestors and former lovers, have been visiting you, filling your senses with a Pavlov dog reaction. It is good to reminisce, work through the quirks, etc., yet if the sensory pattern is too dark, transform. New traditions start somewhere and ample opportunity awaits you. Star patterns will move you a quantum leap sideways in your thinking and feeling. Cancer ( June 21-July 22) Your shell, dark and safe, where you do your finest creative work, where you feel the most comfortable, needs to be aired out. Come into the light; observe Luna, (Dec. 20) in its finest display since 2008. Pray for clear skies. Moon Child, grace your family and friends with the deep love that you share with them. Embrace their beauty. Share your latest creation.

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Leo ( July 23-Aug. 22) Have the elves been whispering in your ears? No, it’s not voices in your head. So Laughing Lion, listen to what those little people are saying. Maybe they are letting you know it’s the little things that count. Candy canes for fresh breath and settling stomach aches. Mistletoe for promised kissing. Ribbons to thwart snooping. Jingle bells for catching a dance. Cinnamon. Nutmeg. Myrrh. A passing pat. Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Paper or plastic? Your communication style may be cluttered with influences of Nike and Nemesis, goddesses of victory and rightful indignation. Don’t try to win with details. Toggle your orientation. Be the one who gets everything done quickly and quietly as a condition of unconditional love. (Efficacy, say it out loud.) When it’s all said and done, rub your digits. They will thank you. Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Find your sense of humor. It might be located in your derriere. While you’re walking, see if your butt laughs. Not the other noise. Walk until your butt laughs. Get the action perfected so you can do it at will. It will help you find the balance you’re so intent on achieving, especially in the bedroom (where you’ve been thinking about rearranging or coloring, just to spice it up). If your friends call you ‘Laughing Butt,’ so what? It’s a great way to spend the Holy Days. Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Jesters carried a scepter or marotte, a stick with a carved head on the top. Scorpio, carry the fool, don’t be fooled. Aim for clarity. There’s only one‘s’ differentiating thong from thongs. You either have skinny underwear, several underwears, or flip-flops. How does one carry a fool stick? Wrap a small present in a large box, using recycled paper to cover it, of course. Drop funny, witty gifts into the stockings for unsuspecting receivers.

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Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Moldavite, a crystal, found in the Czech Republic, known as ‘sky glass,’ was birthed from transformation. Your impending transformation reflects the genesis of this stone. Elements of fire, wind, water, and earth will combine, tornado-like, free-falling, unpredictable, chaotic, and with tremendous power, and with a beauty all its own, within your world Cappi. Mentors, your touchstone people, will wait patiently for this leg of your journey, and for your recognition. Dorothy eventually returned to Oz, her free-falling experience a lifechanging event. Can a sexual experience have this magnitude? Yes. Can a great food cause something like this? Maybe. Experiencing the mundane probably won’t open your spirit to the likelihood. Look for the signs. Aquarius ( Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Your anxiety is misplaced. “Even the seasons form a great circle in their changing and always come back again to where they were. …and so it is in everything where power moves.” (Black Elk Ogala Sioux Holy Man) Step into the circle. Mark the changing of the seasons on your spirit. Witness the light, go for a moon burn. Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) An 80-year-old former math teacher I know, upon awakening, still tells his wife of 50 years his dreams. At his age, he’s capable of remembering his night thoughts. He gazes upon her unabashedly with love, like he’s courting her. Pisces, I suggest that you discipline yourself after this Master of Love. Speak freely of your desires and dreams. Capture that new-found love and trust with your mate again. Make this purity your discipline for the love of your life- a forever consciousness. If you are single, search vigilantly for someone who will listen to your dreams, even if it is a family member or friend. Practice.

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word

I'll be home...less for Christmas

Mayor-elect and community seek to eradicate homelessness in Corvallis

overty and homelessness are seemingly the ultimate unsolvable problems. Throughout history, there has never been a society that has succeeded in eradicating either. This can lead to apathy when the topic is discussed, as solutions are hard to come by and the problem is so massive that one does not know where to begin. The most noticeable sign of poverty here in Corvallis is the homeless population. According to the Corvallis Gazette-Times (September 18th, 2008), during the 2008 census, 10 local homeless individuals were tasked with conducting a count of the city’s homeless population. The resulting count listed at least 200 homeless people. In a relatively small town, the problem in Corvallis is immediately noticeable. Solutions, ris rafft however, have proved elusive. In the constant presence of this situation, a type of numbness in regards to their suffering occurs. The specter of human beings being completely devastated by hardships and the economy gives way to concerns about safety. The homeless, once seen as victims, begin to be viewed as a cause for a different type of concern. They become the thieves, robbers, attackers, and beggars that make a walk home late at night a cause for concern. At last estimate, the United States Census Bureau reported that Corvallis had a poverty level of 24.5% in 2008, a figure nearly double the state’s average of 12.9%. The severity of this level is certainly misleading in that a town like Corvallis has a large college population which survives off of part-time employment on top of financial aid and help from family and other loans. Even with this taken into consideration, an alarming 4% of the Corvallis school district was homeless in 2009 according to The Oregonian (September 18th, 2009). Homelessness extends far beyond those individuals seen on the streets from day-today. The term covers all of those who simply have no stable home. This includes people who are constantly on the move from house-to-house and even those who live in their cars. Unfortunately, for those who find themselves in the latter category, living in your car in certain areas are considered camping, an act that is illegal under a city ordinance discussed below. Richard Donovan, the executive manager of the local Community Outreach for the past seven years, claims that poverty and homelessness have grown during his tenure—especially during the recent recession—and that the shelter is often at full capacity. This means that many who show up looking for a place to stay, medical

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treatment, or help in kicking drug habits, unfortunately have to be turned away. The shelter can currently hold anywhere between 50 to 70 people per night. Donovan, while maintaining that Corvallis is perhaps the most generous town he has worked in, states “things have never been as bad as they are right now.” Additionally, repeat visitors are frequent. I was able to sit down with Tricia Lonsinger, a 19-year-old woman who had been homeless off and on since she was 15. She is representative of what Donovan identifies as the most under-served type of person in poverty: a woman with no children. Welldressed and good-humored, one could not be faulted by assuming that she had a normal life. However, as the interview proceeded, this strong outwardly appearance began to fade, and her face became noticeably emotional as she chronicled her life up to that point. She spoke of her history and the substandard conditions she faced in shelters in Albany, which she remarked, felt somehow less clean than her life in a tent outdoors, being transitioned to other shelters after she became pregnant earlier this year, and finally ending up in Corvallis where, with the help of the Community Outreach, she had now begun the process of looking for an apartment and work. Though she had lived a hard life in various shelters and out on the streets, she spoke with the noticeable optimism of a survivor who was going to continue surviving against all odds. Lonsinger’s descriptions of homeless camps revealed a largely communal way of living in which those stuck in the same conditions attempt to help each other, but also noted that drug and alcohol abuse were rampant. This lead to a vicious cycle in which homeless individuals spent their days gathering up money by begging or doing odd jobs and eventually spending it all on their respective habits. While it may seem cruel on the surface, many shelters in town do not accept current addicts due to the fact that many who stay at the shelter are former addicts themselves and the presence of those still using could have catastrophic effects. Fortunately, attacks on the homeless are not common in Corvallis. However, earlier this year the town was shocked to learn that two homeless people were attacked and robbed by what was described as a Juggalo gang (ultra-fanatics of the rock/rap group: Insane Clown Posse). Aside from this, Lonsinger stated there were infrequent scuffles in the camps between the homeless individuals themselves. Petty disputes could evolve into the destruction of personal campsites, attacks, and destruction of property.

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DECEMBER 21-DECEMBER 27, 2010

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bump

tuesday

live music

eclectic

dance

Corvallis

Albany

Sunnyside Up Café 116 NW 3rd St. Celtic Jam [CELTIC] 7 pm, FREE

Corvallis

FireWorks Winter Solstice w/ Iris Tribe plus Gabriel Surley & a Solstice ritual 7 pm, reservations advised

Lebanon

Impulse Bar & Grill 1425 NW Monroe Ave. Cuban Salsa 7:30 pm, FREE

FireWorks Winter Solstice with Wild Iris Tribe & Gabriel Surley [CONTEMPLATIVE] 7 pm

Corvallis

sing

Peacock Bar & Grill Karaoke, 9:00 pm, FREE On the Top: DJ Big Cheese, 9:00 pm FREE Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of Corvallis 2945 NW Circle Blvd. Corvallis Community Choir rehearsals 7-9 pm, $50

Albany City Hall Plaza Homeless Persons’ Memorial Day Observance [MEMORIAL] 2 pm Enoteca Wine Bar Girls night out! Knit night [CRAFT] 7:00 pm St. Martin's Episcopal Church 1461 Grove St. Longest Night Service [RELIGIOUS] 7 pm

Lebanon

Merlin’s Bar & Grill Karaoke Nightly

Corvallis

Corvallis Elks Lodge 1400 NW 9th St. Beginner Line Dance 7:00 pm, $3

OSU Women’s Building Room 112 Salsa Dancing 8:00 pm

Lebanon

Cascade Performing Arts Center 800 Harrison St. Beginner Adult Ballet Classes 7:30-8:30 pm, $5

Contributed Photo

Corvallis

FireWorks

Winter Solstice w/ Wild Iris Tribe & Gabriel Surley [MUSIC & DANCE] Tuesday, 7 pm Contributed Photo

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DECEMBER 21-DECEMBER 27, 2010

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THE ALCHEMIST

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wednesday live music

Corvallis

Sunnyside Up Café 116 NW 3rd St. Bluegrass Jam [BLUEGRASS] 7:00 pm, FREE Unitarian Universalist Fellowship 2945 NW Circle Blvd. Jubilate! The Women's Choir of Corvallis: "Breaking Dawn: A Celebration of Winter and Light" [HOLIDAY] 6 pm & 8 pm

Lebanon

sing

Merlin’s Bar & Grill Karaoke Nightly

Albany

dance

Cloud 9 126 SW 1st St. Beer & Blog 5 pm

Enoteca Wine Bar Wine Tasting 7 pm, $10

Riley’s Billiards Bar and Grill Pure Country Night - Country Dancing with DJ 9:00pm

Majestic Theatre 115 SW Second St. "A Christmas Carol" Willamette STAGE Company 8 pm, $16-$19

Corvallis

Tangent

Peter Gysegem’s Studio Argentine Tango Classes 7:15 pm, $5 peter@gysegem.com

Dixie Creek Saloon Battle of the Bands 7:00 pm, FREE

eat/drink

Corvallis

Albany Eagles Lodge 127 Broadalbin St Albany Senior Dance 1:30-3:30 pm, $3

Lebanon

Peacock Bar & Grill East The Brand [BLUES] 7 pm, every other Wednesday

Corvallis

stage

Old World Deli 341 SW Second St. Belly Dance 8 pm

Corvallis

FireWorks, Thursday 8 pm Corvallis

Enoteca, Wednesday 7 pm | First Alternative Co-op, Thursday 5 pm | WineStyles, Thursday 5:30 pm

Brian Smith [ACOUSTIC]

Wine Tasting

thursday

Contributed Photo

live music

Albany

Calapooia Brewing Wild Hog in the Woods [AMERICANA] 7:30 pm

Corvallis

FireWorks Brian Smith [ACOUSTIC] 8 pm

Lebanon

Peacock Bar & Grill East Blues Jam 7 pm every other Thursday

Corvallis

stage

Majestic Theatre 115 SW Second St. "A Christmas Carol" Willamette STAGE Company 8 pm, $16-$19

Lebanon

sing

Merlin’s Bar & Grill Karaoke Nightly

dance

Albany

Albany Eagles Lodge 127 Broadalbin St. NW Line dance, couples dance lessons and open dancing 7 pm, $4

Corvallis

Peacock Bar & Grill Karaoke, 9:00 pm On the top DJ Mike, 9:00 pm, $2

eat/drink

Corvallis

Enoteca Wine Bar Chocolate Truffle Happy Hour FREE Truffles 6-8 pm First Alternative Co-Op North 2855 NW Grant Ave. Wine tasting, 5-7 pm WineStyles 2333 NW Kings Blvd. Wine tasting: Port & Dessert Wine Tasting 5:30 pm, $10

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Nominated for 3 Alchemist Awards

Liquor Bar, Bartender and Place to Hide During the School Year 214 SW 2nd - Behind Downtown Dream - 753 7373

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DECEMBER 21-DECEMBER 27, 2010

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friday

live music

Corvallis

FireWorks Deb O'Connor [HAMMERED DULCIMER] $35, Celtic Christmas Eve Prix Fixe Four Courses 5-9 pm

Lebanon

St. Martin's Episcopal Church 1461 Grove St. Christmas Caroling & Special Music [HOLIDAY] 8:30 pm Festival Holy Eucharist w/ Carols & Candlelight [HOLIDAY] 9:30 pm

Albany

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Whitespires Church 510 Fifth Ave. SW Community sing-along caroling 7 pm

Albany

Corvallis

Lebanon

Corvallis

Tangent

Willamette STAGE company: "A Christmas Carol"

Riley’s Billiards Bar and Grill Ladies Night with DJ Unofficial 9 pm Corvallis Senior Center 2601 NW Taylor Ave. Friday Night Dancers 7 pm, $2-$4

Merlin’s Bar & Grill Karaoke Nightly

Magestic Theatre | Wednesday & Thursday 8 pm, Friday 4 pm

dance

Corvallis

Peacock Bar and Grill Karaoke, 9 pm On the Top: DJ Alex, 9 pm

Corvallis

stage

Magestic Theatre 115 SW Second St. Willamette STAGE Company: "A Christmas Carol" 4 pm $16-$19

Contributed Photo

Dixie Creek Saloon Karaoke 9 pm

It's an everyday thing

Corvallis

Albany

Christmas Caroling & Special Music

Community sing-along caroling

St. Martin's Episcopal Church, Friday 8:30 pm

Whitespires Church, Friday 7 pm

Albany Downtown Albany 250 Broadalbin St. SW Night Time Magic 5-10 pm through December 31 Festively Lit Historic District Heritage Mall Santa [HOLIDAY] 7 am-10 pm Friday through December 24 Adopt a Child for Furniture Share’s “Beds for Kids” through December 24

Corvallis The Arts Center 700 SW Madison Where Birds Dream [EXHIBIT] 12-5 pm Tuesday-Saturday through December 24

Photo by Lucas Spiegel

See’s Candies holiday gift center 113 SW 3rd St. Ste. A [BUY] 9 am-7 pm through December 26 TEAL Artist Cooperative 120 SW Fourth St. Local Art Display [BUY] 10-6 pm, through December 28

Lebanon Linn County Arts Guild 680 Main St. Handcrafted in Linn County gift store [BUY] 11 am-6 pm through December 23

Corvallis

FireWorks | Sunday, 7 pm

Jesse Meade [ACOUSTIC] 10

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DECEMBER 21-DECEMBER 27, 2010

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Across 1. Home of the metal band Acrassicauda 5. Things on a cat’s penis 10. Tiara-wearing man who’s not entirely comfortable with homosexuality 14. Defender of NAMBLA 15. Mims’ “This is Why ___” 16. Sex column topic 17. Sites for fly-fishing sausage parties? 19. Common road race type 20. Messed up the math, say 21. CPR class student 22. Former Homeland Security honcho Tom 25. Stack of cash in a bondsman’s office? 30. MPEG alternative 31. Personals ad abbr. 33. In crystal form, it’s rock candy 34. Spanish phrasebook phrase

36. Soak, to a Brit 37. ___-bitty 38. With 49-Across, shout from a millennialist Benjamin Moore? 41. Without dilly-dallying 42. Fella 43. Skyrocketed 45. Camera or gun holder 47. BS 48. The ___ War (1932 Australian military/wildlife control effort) 49. See 38-Across 51. Like Elvis, later on 53. Bodily code

sunday live music

Albany Earth

America | Saturday, All Day

Calapooia Brewing Blues Jam 4:00 pm

Merry Chrismahanukwanzakah WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM

CRO S SWORD Inkwell Crosswords by Ben Tausig

54. Throwdown 56. Castle protector 58. Lingerie shop motto? 63. “What ___ is new?” 64. Hip-hop producer Just ___ 65. Buxom Betty 66. Scheming giggle 67. Made fun of 68. Took a picture of

Down 1. Final words of a Cartesian statement 2. Amp connector named for the company that invented it 3. Tennis score word 4. “The Caine Mutiny” captain 5. Ethiopian coin 6. Blob on a slide 7. “The Mary Tyler Moore Show” spinoff 8. ___ choy (stir-fry veggie) 9. Rtes. for bikes 10. He played Kesuke Miyagi 11. Words before a round of rock, paper, scissors 12. Important god in paganism 13. Big deer 18. Nate’s love interest on “Six Feet Under” 21. And what have you: Abbr. 22. ‘80s movie exclamation 23. Ex-NBA star Allen now playing in Turkey 24. Small-time restaurant crime 26. “Time ___ the essence” 27. Noted portrayer of Dracula 28. Thinks highly of 29. Hans Augusto or Margret of “Curious George” fame 32. City for a great bowl of pho 35. Cabinet choice 36. Shithole 39. Like some yoga classes 40. What Kraftwerk appeared as, in concert 41. Letters on some churches 44. Owed 46. Anti-drug spot, perhaps: Abbr. 47. Stop altogether, as spending 50. Songwriters’ org. 52. Tells terrible jokes, perhaps 55. Strung together 56. “I could take it or leave it,” slangily 57. Brazil 2014 cry 58. “Great Society” prez 59. Mobile state: Abbr. 60. “Very cool!” 61. A.A. Milne marsupial 62. Post-tryst brand

Novak’s Hungarian Restaurant 2306 Heritage Way SE Strings of Time [MELODIC JAZZ] 6:00 pm, FREE

Corvallis

FireWorks Jesse Meade [ACOUSTIC] 7 pm

SUDOKU

www.sudoku-puzzles.net

Difficulty: Medium

7 1 2

8 4

9 9

8 4

3 6

monday

25 Eh Eh?

saturday

live music

Corvallis

Bombs Away Café "Boxing Day" Showcase [MISHMASH] 7:30 pm FireWorks Southtown Open Mic Talent Search 8 pm

Lebanon

Merlin’s Bar & Grill Blues/Rock Jam 7 pm

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DECEMBER 21-DECEMBER 27, 2010

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I Am Santa

literati

An excerpt from The Interviews by Noah Charles

In the year 2012, the trajectory of modern civilization reached its apex, falling squarely to fulfill the prophecies of the ancient soothsayers. A winter solstice like none other reduced humanity to mindless, soulless doppelgangers hell-bent to complete the Earth’s cycle of death. Nothing could stand in their way. Despite his unusual attentiveness to the doings of men, Sangt Niklaus was taken by surprise in that first holiday season.

Illustration by Patricia Smith

Today, three years removed from The Winter That Won’t Be Forgotten, I sit with him. A shell of joviality that once was. Hardened by nightmares all too real, he has granted us this lone opportunity to peel back the beard. 00:00:01.08 He sits recumbent, removed from the light of a solitary lamp. Between billows and the stoking of a smoldering cigar, his once cheerful voice responds with disdain and quiet desperation. 00:00:07.13 I: Sir, it’s been three years since you first discovered the fate of the world. What do you remember from your first encounter with the Gangers? Santa: We all have a sense that goes beyond the perceivable world. A gut instinct. It exists for our survival. But on that night…. the coldest night of my life. I was drunk off the excitement of being able to finally fulfill my sole purpose in the world. A purpose now damned to exist void of joy. I: Rumors have indicated that you were attacked on that night. How did it happen? S: I was attacked a lot that first night, but it wasn’t until I reached Sydney that I realized, or was bluntly made aware, of what was to come. As I always do, I started with the Forrest family. The rich bastard paid me to hit his house up first. Apparently afraid that the 2012 prophecy would come true, Andrew had rigged his entire compound with explosive security features. Despite his inconsideration for our arrangement, I was able to impregnate his home. While gifting, I was startled by the silence. Usually merry holiday music would murmur through the home, but not this year. As my attention fluttered from the presents, I was blind sided by Twiggy and his wife. Reacting as anyone would, I went for my custom Desert Eagle, a gift from Charlton. Kicking them back against the wall, I fired two

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quick shots to the chest of both, but they persisted. Only with direct shots to the head were they rendered still. I: I’ve heard the appearance of the Gangers is unsightly. S: You can’t and shouldn’t imagine. Grotesque, mangled forms whose only sound is a heartbreaking scream as they descend upon you. Your worst nightmare would be a vacation. I: What did you do after that initial encounter? S: Like I said before, my sole purpose in this world is to deliver presents, naughty or nice, to everyone. I completed my task despite the great risk. What am I supposed to do? I am like a dog that will play fetch until it drops dead from exhaustion. I am Santa. I deliver presents.

DECEMBER 21-DECEMBER 27, 2010

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00:00:52.49 I: Your physique is different. The cheery, chubby man in the red suit has given way to a muscular, hardened soul. The tone of your demeanor is laced with derision. You’re the shell of the man who once delivered cheer to the world one night a year for eons. Explain how this came about. S: What the hell does that mean? I: You still deliver presents, but now you bring along fire and brimstone. How did you facilitate this change? S: The following year I was able to anticipate what lie ahead. I rearmed myself with the weapons I had scavenged along the way that first season. The commonly war

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torn regions were rife with bodies of the Gangers and guns. This leads me to believe whatever the hell it was didn’t take everyone at once. There was a stand made against it all over the world, but it was apparently too much to overcome. I have yet to be aware of a survivor. If anyone would know, it’s me. I’m omniscient when it comes to what people are up to. The danger that second year was still extreme, so I decided to bring on some help. I found three elves that had been known for their unusual obsession with action movies. We have a policy at the pole that there is no leisure time, but somehow these guys had been sneaking around behind my back learning martial arts and weapons training. Since then, I’ve instituted an involuntary military service. Every year, three elves are trained to go with me on the gift run. I: How do the elves help? S: I just send these little kamikazes in ahead of me to sweep the homes. Some-

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literati times they make it, sometimes they don’t. It’s usually kung fu idiots that go down first. I tell them, “Don’t bring fists to a gun fight.” One Bruce Lee film too many and they become purists. Whatever, there are thousands more to replace them. I: Why only three? S: Well, that’s a personal choice. I’ve actually grown accustomed to showering a home with hollow points before I go in. It’s therapeutic. Because stealth is no longer a concern, I crank the Sleigh’s sound system and just go on a hunting party. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel outdoors. It only gets dangerous in close quarters. That’s when you can get trapped.

the solar storms hit their climax. Whatever it was, it destroyed everyone.

00:01:33.58

S: It sounds contrived, but “Something to Believe In” by Poison.

I: Do you have any ideas of what created the Doppelgangers? S: I’m not a scientist. I’m an innate philanthropist. What I remember most was an incredible Borealis spanning the entire sky for most of the year. It was almost nonstop. It could’ve been something related to that. I had heard that they had achieved some level of supercomputing previously thought impossible. This is why you still see lights on everywhere. Most of the infrastructure was completely automated before The Winter. The elves have their own theory, that the satellite technology somehow deep-fried their brains when

Articles detailing attacks on the homeless often include statements that the official number of attacks is likely higher. Reasons for this can include that those living on the streets, especially those without access to shelters or other helpful institutions, lack access to telephones that they could use to report crimes. Many are also mentally handicapped; rendering any information they give the police to be questionable. Some— especially those who have been homeless for lengthy periods of time—may have lost hope in the police to protect them. During the course of my research, I frequently heard of the destruction of a homeless camp underneath a bridge near Highway 99 by the Corvallis police. According to the Corvallis Gazette-Times (November 18th, 2008) the camp had been the victim of two fires in 2004 that the Fire Department noted as being suspicious in nature. According to the Portland Independent Media Center, the camp was raided and destroyed by police in 2008 using the excuse of traffic safety and sanitation. At the time of writing, I have been unable to track down any individual who lived at the camp in question. It is important to investigate what conditions compel these individuals to set up camps on the outskirts of town, far from the watchful eyes of both the police and the town’s inhabitants. The answer lies in a controversial city ordinance. Under the guise of dissuading “camping” on city property, the ordinance states, “no person shall sleep or lodge in or upon any sidewalk, street, alley,

00:03:41.12 I: Previously you mentioned the Sleigh had a stereo on it. What’s your favorite gifting song?

I: Really? S: No. I bring the rain to “Cowboys from Hell” by Pantera. Do you think I have time for sentimentality anymore? There were 6 billion people out there. I probably only drop fifty, maybe sixty thousand per year. Maybe if I could quit what I do, I’d have time to get soft again. However, I can’t. It’s not possible. There is a job and its futility is mine alone to grapple. Anything worth doing is worth doing yourself I tell the elves. Besides, it’s the only thing I’ve ever known. Now, it just comes with less of an element of surprise—and the smell of death.

homeless continued from p. 7

public right-of-way, park, or any property owned by the City of Corvallis.” Thus, under the ordinance, any homeless individual within Corvallis who is without access to a shelter and chooses to sleep on the street or a bench is breaking the law. The ordinance was challenged by Jeffrey Sexon, a local homeless man who had received 11 citations for “camping” in his van throughout the city’s streets. Confidently, his lawyer cited as legal precedent the lawsuit State v. Wicks, wherein the Portland Municipal Court ruled that Portland’ similar anti-camping ordinance was in violation of the constitution. The court in Corvallis, however, cited a difference in the crowding of homeless shelters between Corvallis and Portland as being the decisive point in charging Sexon with a violation of the ordinance and proceeded to charge him. The trial is currently on appeal and the police and court are working to find ways to modify the ordinance. Until then, the police will not be giving out any further anticamping citations. Still, unless a plethora of new jobs or shelters become available, the homeless will remain in this dire situation. Mayor-elect Julie Manning became impassioned about ending poverty and homelessness during her twenty-five years working for the Good Samaritan Hospital. She describes seeing “the impact of those who delay seeking care until it becomes an urgent need,” due to “lack of heath insurance,” as being what initially motivated her to look for solutions. She soon began working with the Community Consortium on the “Ten

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Year Plan to Address Homelessness and Poverty in Benton County.” The Board of Commissioners in Benton County unanimously approved the plan. The vision for the plan is that “everyone residing in Benton County should have the opportunity to live in decent, safe, and affordable housing that provides the basis for a stable environment from which to move forward in their respective lives.” The booklet makes it clear that this will be neither an easy task nor a quick one to accomplish. However, the 36-page plan does provide a large variety of ways to make it work, outlining proposed programs, the amount of people needed to staff them, and rough estimates of the amount of money that will be needed for their creation. In addition, the plan would also provide more help for survivors of sexual and domestic violence. Helen Keller, known for her learned ability to communicate while both deaf and blind but less known for her anti-poverty activism, once said “The unselfish effort to bring cheer to others will be the beginning of happier life for ourselves.” For likeminded individuals, the Corvallis area offers plenty of volunteering opportunities. The Benton County Habitat for Humanity has built 24 homes since its foundation in 1991 and is always eager for volunteers either in the building of homes or at the Restore (a store that accepts various donations for building supplies and household goods and sells them for lowered prices). The Arc Thrift Store and Benton Furniture Share are excellent resources for cheap

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furniture and household goods and also accept volunteers. Profits from the former go to The Arc of Benton County, which specializes in providing services to children with developmental disabilities while the Furniture Share places a great deal of emphasis on recycling. Aside from the volunteering opportunities, both stores and their associated programs showcase that your shopping choices can have just as much impact as your time spent volunteering. The South Corvallis Food Bank is another vital resource in helping end poverty and homelessness. The food bank was created by Judy Hecht, who noticed the trouble many residents of south Corvallis had in being able to receive many poverty services based in north Corvallis. Nine years later, the center provides aid for over 750 people on a monthly basis and is always looking for donations and volunteers to help more. Other volunteering opportunities and information can be accessed via the LBvision Volunteer Center web site. In the end, poverty and homelessness are not problems that can be solved by either the people or the government alone. If any progress is going to be made, it will have to involve both parties acting together. While volunteering periodically may not seem like it is going to make a big difference, any little bit of help is well worth it. If anything, it lessens the shared workload and allows more able volunteers to focus on more serious and pressing issues. Fortunately, Corvallis provides a number of ways to help. The best time to start is now.

DECEMBER 21-DECEMBER 27, 2010

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word

A Real Man, a real Christmas tree

al Schudel is sitting comfortably in his favorite chair at home on the last day of the Christmas tree harvest, as he should be. Over a million of his plantation Christmas trees have been, or currently are, in shipment to places as far flung as Puerto Rico, Guam and Afghanistan. They’ve been on proud display in places like Home Depots and Walmarts throughout the U.S. now for weeks, all waiting to be picked up and taken home as the final and most important piece of Christmas for many families this holiday season. Founded in 1955, Holiday tanley ollett Tree Farms is the largest producer of Plantation Christmas trees in the United States. But, you wouldn’t know it from chatting with Hal, who is incredibly modest about his journey from a self described farm lad, from small town Nebraska, to the patriarch of a Christmas tree dynasty. “We just put together a business...I had my goals,” says Schudel. “Once you set your direction you just keep it going.” After serving in the Air Corps during World War II, Schudel was discharged in Portland. His journey home took him through the Willamette Valley and that trip would prove to be the pivotal moment in the history of the Schudel family. “We drove back, just right before Christmas in 1945...through the Valley, god I loved it, never saw anything so pretty,” said Schudel. “Because I was from the Great Plains, Nebraska. So anyway, I came out here, I always wanted to get back to Oregon. So I brought my family out here. After the war, that’s when we decided we just had to live here.” Schudel got his PhD in Agronomy at OSU. He learned about crops and a little about economics. He then founded Oregon Turf and Chemical, a company that specialized in designed landscaping. In 1968, the company actually layed the playing surface for Oregon State’s football field, then called Parker Stadium. But, there was one thing wrong, a lag in winter income for his young family. So Schudel took some of the money he earned with Oregon Turf and Chemical and invested it

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in starting his Christmas tree business. The rest is now history and a book that Hal just finished writing about his life. It reads like something out of a Frank Capra movie. “We just kept expanding, there was a time there when I didn’t think we’d ever sell what we were producing, but at least we hung in there and were able to get enough business,” said Schudel. As with any business, there were hard times, but his perseverance paid off and soon the Christmas tree project came into its own, growing with each new tree. And, like the trees, Hal’s family begin to grow. “It’s nice to see the business grow,” says Schudel. “In fact, I brought my sons in to the business, all three of them, that’s a good thing. These guys...my sons, I used to take ‘em out when they were just little guys and they were cutting trees in the wild. So they grew up with the business.” Hal’s son David Schudel now runs Holiday Tree Farms, but Hal’s always around to help when he can. Although, he is comfortably retired now, free to make popcorn balls with his family around the holidays. Popcorn has been a staple of the Schudel Christmas tradition since Hal recalls seeing his first Christmas tree. “When I was just a little kid growing up in Nebraska, we got a tree I remember...it had the Hofert tag on it. It was a wild tree, but in those days that’s all they had. Folks picked up a tree in their little North Loup, Nebraska grocery store,” said Schudel. “At that time, of course, I had no idea I would be in the tree business. I was just about 12 years old. But that’s the first tree, real tree, we’d ever had in our home. We’d cut Cedar trees every once in a while...growing in the hills back there, but this was one that was store bought...it was a real tree. The decorations back then were simple compared to some of the more ornate ornaments that are common these days. “At that time, we’d string popcorn, put it around the tree. We had these little candles, ya know, you’d clip on, and they’re actually live candles...pretty dangerous,” says Schudel laughingly. “But that’s what we’d use for decorating our tree. Course we always used to put an angel on top of the tree.” The Christmas tree in Hal’s home this year

DECEMBER 21-DECEMBER 27, 2010

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was selected by one of the men that works for the company, some of which have been with Holiday Tree Farms for more than 25 years. The experienced farm hands know just where to go to find the choicest specimens. “These guys can select trees.They know what they’re doing,” says Schudel. “We’ve been fortunate to have real good people working for us, can’t give enough credit to these guys that work in the fields.” Hal mentions that one of his “guys”, who has been with the farm for years has probably cut 10 million trees in his lifetime. Schudel can’t say enough about the people that really make Holiday Tree Farms what it is. From the day-to-day pruning, to the master cutters, wreath makers, truck drivers, and helicopter pilots that pluck the trees from their rows and drop them carefully into their trucks, it truly is a team effort that takes precision and hard work to get a million Christmas trees into people’s homes every season. Throughout our conversation Hal walks me through the intricacies of what goes on the behind the scenes to get his Christmas trees to market. Trees that on average take around 8 years to grow to cutting maturity. Hal sees himself as just a Christmas tree farmer—not the pioneer and true giant in the industry that he obviously is. He smiles when I ask him how it feels to be such an important part of Christmas for so many people all over the world. “It’s just a good feeling, to know that you’re producing something that people enjoy,” said Schudel. “You probably have the same feeling about Christmas that I do, you think it’s the best time of the year, and it is. It brings families together, it really does.” As we were wrapping up our discussion I made an off hand comment about the holiday football bowl season coming up and uncovered one of Hal’s favorite subjects. His eyes light up at the mention of college football. “I love Oregon State, too bad they couldn’t have made it a little further,” Schudel says. “I kinda felt sorry for Quiz this year... they didn’t have another good running back, they put him through the line. If he could have gotten out in space, then he could do it...I felt sorry for him cause I knew he had more potential.” Hal’s knowledge of football would rival

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Photos by Stanley Tollett

any commentator on ESPN. He offers insights and in our conversation I could see the stuff that makes up this man. A jaunty passion, expansive knowledge and downto-earth, honest-to-goodness, all-American go get ‘em that surely propelled Hal in his journey from North Loup, Nebraska to the Mid-Willamette valley where he is now the grandfather of plantation Christmas trees in America. But back to football... “Going to Nebraska, a big red fan I always will be,” Hal says unequivocally. He loves to talk football. It’s a sign of a man with many passions. As much as Hal loves Christmas tree farming and football, he is also an avid outdoorsman. A fisherman and hunter both, pictures of Hal in his autobiography remind me of a Ronald Reagan campaign commercial, but there’s no Hollywood script here, Hal is the real deal. A reminder of what a hardworking visionary really can achieve in this country. So when you come in from the cold, or the not so cold if you’re in Puerto Rico, and you see and smell that real Christmas tree sitting in your home, decorated with your memories...think a little about Hal and his boys. They’re feeling the same thing you do when they look at theirs. We’re all thinking the same thing, about how good those trees make us all feel.

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O ' P I Npints ING

Beery Christmas & Hoppy Hanukah! In the beer world this is hands-down, absolutely, without a doubt, my favorite time of year. We are now in the middle of the winter seasonals, which some go by a religious theme and others are referred to with a more earth-centric celebration. These holiday releases all have a couple of common threads: best footforward by a brewery and typically the beers are stronger. In some cases, these offerings may have a unique spice added in order to give the beer specialness. And speaking of “special,” as I now climb atop my soap box, it would be my Gift of the Magi for breweries to hold back on the release of these beers until midNovember. Winter seasonals lose their specialness when we are not even done with Oktoberfests, summer wheats and fresh hop beers. So, all you breweries out there reading this, please make my wish come true and no winter seasonals during the summer! Nuff said, now let me climb down and briefly cover a few of my favorite winter holiday beers. In the late 80’s, when I started really exploring beer, there was a very ominous beer, to my naive beer world, called Samichlaus, from the Austrian Castle Brewery, Eggeberg. I can still recall standing in the beer section reading its two very curious label descriptions: “Malt Liquor” and “The Guinness Book World’s Strongest Beer.” While Samichlaus is not malt liquor and the label has been changed to accurately claim, “The World’s most extraordinary beverage,” this truly amazing beer has been, and always will be, my favorite winter seasonal. It is brewed just once a year, on December 6th, aged for 10 months before it’s release and will age very well for years to come. Samichlaus is a very pale lager with intense maltiness, toffee richness and a lush creaminess. Delirium Noel from the Belgian brewery Huyghe comes in a festive bottle and a label showing a cute pink elephant ice-skating on a frozen pond in a winter wonderland. It’s a 10% Tripel with a long-lasting head that reminds me of a brilliant white snow bank. Mildly fruity, and warming. Three French Hens from The Bruery,

Albany

Albany Civic Theater

111 First Ave. SW 541.928.4603

out of Orange County, is a 10% ABV beer to get now and drink next year. Seriously - it’s not drinking great right now...but it will! Most of the Famille Rue beers are like that, and this Belgianstyle dark ale, which is partially aged in French oak barrels, is actually meant to be cellared for nine more years before consumption! Harvey’s Christmas Ale, 8.1% ABV, from the United Kingdom is a splendid ale and an easy grab for me as it is a plain-and-simple-English-style barley wine with a rich caramel profile and plenty of malt. Belgian breweries really do have a knack with this genre of styles and an outstanding favorite for me is Kerstmutske Christmas Nightcap from Browerij Slaapmutske. It is a dark 7.4% ABV ale with a flavor profile that is like a holiday basket full of nutty and berry undertones with hints of dry cacao, nutmeg and cinnamon spices. Fantome Special de Noel, from the Brasserie Fantome, is a saison with a unique presentation that use herbs, spices and fruit juices. This 10% holiday ale is dry with hints of winter spices, warming biscuit malts, and huge fruity aromatics. If you are looking for an amazing beer drinking experience, try a bottle of a Swiss beer called La Dragonne from the Brasserie des Franches-Montages. It has absolutely no carbonation and you drink it mulled (warmed to 120 degrees). Really want to turn on that new love? Pull a hot poker from the fire and heat a mug of La Dragonne - a crimson-reddish beer lavish with cherry flavors and warming spices. Let it snow, BABY! Lastly, who says Italians can’t make good beer? Noel from the Baladin Birrificio is a complex strong dark ale of 9.0% ABV with malty sweetness, honey and raisins and spices in its profile. Cheers! And remember, Santa really does not want milk with his cookies! -Joel Rea (Corvallis Brewing Supply owner) joel@lickspigot.com

Corvallis

Aqua Seafood Restaurant & Bar

Alleyoop Lounge

151 NW Monroe Ave. 541.752.0262

Bogey’s Bar & Grill

The Beanery on 2nd

Calapooia Brewing

Big River Restaurant & Bar

901 Pacific Blvd 541.941.0977 129 W 1st Ave. 541.929.8900 140 Hill St. NE 541.928.1931

Cappie’s Brewhouse

211 1st Ave W 541.926.1710

Cascade Grill

110 Opal St. NW 541.926.3388

Chasers Bar & Grill

500 SW 2nd St 541.753.7442 101 NW Jackson Ave. 541.757.0694

Block 15

300 SW Jefferson Ave. 541.758.2077

Bombs Away Café

435 SE 2nd Ave 541928.9634

2527 NW Monroe Ave. 541.757.7221

Dixie Creek Saloon

China Delight Restaurant

32994 Hwy 99E, Tangent, OR 541.926.2767

Favorite Mistake Sports Bar

325 NW 2nd St. 541.753.3753

Clodfelter’s

1501 NW Monroe Ave. 541.758.4452

5420 Pacific Blvd. 541.903.0034

Cloud 9

Front Street Bar

Crowbar

126 SW 1st St. 541.753.9900

2300 Northeast Front Ave. 541.926.2739

GameTime Sports Bar & Grill

214 SW 2nd St. 541.753.7373

136 SW Washington Ave. 541.758.9095

JP’s Restaurant & Lounge

Fireworks Restaurant & Bar

220 2nd Ave. 541.926.5546

1115 SE 3rd 541.754.6958

Lariat Lounge

Flat Tail Pub

Linger Longer Tavern

Greenberry Store & Tavern

Lucky Larrys Lounge

Harrison Bar & Grill

202 SW 1st St. 541.758.2219

1296 S Commercial Way SE 541.928.3654

Riley’s Billiards Bar & Grill Wilhelm’s Spirits & Eatery 1520 Pacific Blvd SE 541.926.7001

125 SW 2nd St. 541.754.8522

Squirrel’s

100 SW 2nd St. 541.753.8057

Sunnyside Up Café

116 NW 3rd St 541.758.3353

Suds & Suds

1045 NW Kings Blvd. 541.758.5200

Troubadour

521 SW 2nd St. 541.752.7720

Tyee Wine Cellars 26335 Greenberry Rd. 541.753.8754

Wanted Saloon 140 NW 3rd St.

WineStyles

2333 N.W. Kings Blvd. 541.738.9463

Lebanon

2250 South Main Rd. 541.451.3900

180 S 5th St. 541.847.6262

Duffy’s Irish Pub 679 South Main St. 541.259.2906

Fire Pit Lounge

2230 South Santiam Hwy 541.451.2010

GameTime Sports Bar & Grill

3130 South Santiam Hwy 541.570.1537

Merlin’s Bar & Grill 541.258.6205

550 NW Harrison Blvd. 541.754.1017

Peacock Bar & Grill East

Impulse

Sports Shack & Deli

La Bamba Mix Night Club

126 SW 4th St. 541.207.3593

Loca Luna

136 SW Washington Ave, Ste. 102 - 541.753.2222 FREE WEEKLY

LC H E M I S T Luc OF THE WILLAMETTE VALLEY

albanylcorvallisllebanonlphilomath

THE

29974 HWY 99W 541.752.3796

1425 NW Monroe Ave. 541.230.1114

124 Broadalbin St SW 541.926.2838

Peacock Bar & Grill

Cornerstone Café & Pub

916 Old Salem Rd NE 541.926.3111

145 SW Main St. 541.926.2174

1030 S.W. Third St. 541.757.2727

Downward Dog

Enoteca Wine Bar

901 Pacific Blvd SE 541.928.2606

Papa’s Pizza

Artisian’s Well Lounge

130 SW 1st St. 541.753.9900

Humpty’s Dump Bar & Grill

2740 SW 3rd St. 541.738. 7600

Darrell’s Restaurant & Lounge

2200 NW 9th St. 541.752.6364

2211 Waverly Dr. SE 541.981.2376

Murphy’s Tavern

134 SW 4th St. 541.753.4171

76 E. Sherman St. 541.451.2027 1250 Grant St. 541.259.0800

Philomath

High 5 Sports Bar & Grill 1644 Main St.-541.929.7529

Meet’n Place Tavern

1150 Mian St. 541.929.3130

Wine Vault

1301 Main St. 541.929.8496

Wing Sing Restaurant & Lounge 658 Main St. 541.929.6255

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THE ALCHEMIST

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DECEMBER 21-DECEMBER 27, 2010

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Epilogue: the Epic Blog of The Alchemist Weekly 2010 Alchemist Award Ballot Online Polls & More