The Alchemist Weekly by The Alchemist Weekly

WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM • VOLUME 4 NUMBER 167:36 • MARCH 15, 2011

SEX ESSAY WINNER | p. 13

How about some sexual healing, Corvallis?

ALCHY PICKS | p. 7

Too taboo for U? Your favorite professor: Dr. Sex by CINDY DAUER | p. 6

VOICE

SYMPOSIUM SEX ESSAY WINNER | p. 13 ALCHY PICKS | p. 7

Albany ● Corvallis ● Lebanon ● Philomath VOLUME 4 NUMBER 167:36 ● MARCH 15, 2011

VOICE Opinions and Editorials, be they ours or yours, this is where they be.

3 | Dirtstir 4 | Letters

VERDICT

Journalists call them features; we say it’s the word.

4 | The Adjustment Bureau 5 | audiophilia

WORD

Journalists call them features; we say it’s the word.

6 | Too taboo for U?

BUMP

It’s the calendar of all things Albany, Corvallis, Lebanon, and Philomath.

7 | Alchy Picks 11 | Crossword

LITERATI

Amateur prose, poetry and fiction still has a home.

13 | Winning SEX essay

Editorial

Editors Courtney Clenney, Stanley Tollett Staff Writers Courtney Clenney, Noah Stroup, Stanley Tollett Bump Editor Noah Stroup Contributors Ella Marie Canus, Cindy Dauer, Dirtstir, Tim Hellman, Jimbo Ivy, Mic Kandle

Too taboo for U? Your favorite professor: Dr. Sex by CINDY DAUER | p. 6

Art

Art Directors Courtney Clenney, Noah Stroup Layout Editor Courtney Clenney Cover photo by: Katy Weaver

That cover is too sexy

Advertising

Account Executive Noah Stroup

Business

Publisher Noah Stroup The Alchemist Weekly is published by: CorvAlcheMedia LLC PO Box 1591 Corvallis, OR 97339 Alchemist Mission

As a publication, our goal is to facilitate greater understanding and appreciation for the diverse social and cultural groups found in the area. In doing so, we hope to create a greater sense of community between Oregon State University and Corvallis, between Albany and Corvallis, and between Philomath, Lebanon and Corvallis-Albany. The Alchemist recognizes the various interests of these groups and is dedicated to being as fluid as the community it serves. The Alchemist is available to you for free. Please limit yourself to one copy. If your picture is in it, you are welcome to take enough copies for your family. Subject to availability, back issues can be purchased by mail for $5. Send your request with specific issue date to PO Box 1591, Corvallis, OR 97339 and include a check or money order payable to The Alchemist.

• MARCH 15, 2011 • WWW.T H E A LC H E M I S T WE E KLY. CO M

Last week's puzzle solutions

The Alchemist Weekly welcomes freelance submissions. Manuscripts will be returned if you include a self-addressed, stamped envelope. letters@thealchemistweekly.com, news@thealchemistweekly.com, submissions@thealchemistweekly.com, editor@thealchemistweekly.com calendar@thealchemistweekly.com, ads@thealchemistweekly.com

Is it possible that the woman is what makes the cover sexy? If that’s the case and you think The Alchemist should avoid putting such provocative images out into public, maybe it’s time to start instituting Sharia law in Corvallis. Everywhere I go. I see women putting things into their mouths. Hamburgers, hot dogs, baguettes. Slowly sipping sweaty sodas through a slinky straw. Don’t these women understand that there are childlike minds running around in adult sized bodies who have no control over the temptation being caused? In all seriousness, we understand the January 11th issue was sexual. That was the point. Before you dive in front of your kids to make sure they aren’t exposed to sexual images, focus on your own sexuality to make sure you don’t make your kids as repressed as you are. My mother hammered home the idea of being respectful to women to the point that I was afraid of expressing myself sexually for a long time for fear of being disrespectful. Making a big scary deal out of sex, drugs, and rock and roll is what makes kids experiment with it in dangerous and irresponsible ways. If we can learn to handle the conversation and expression of sexuality like mature, sexually realized adults, maybe they will aspire to do the same when they are your age. Let’s get real. Let’s get human. Let’s get sexy.

Those of you who have been reading/ scanning The Alchemist Weekly for some time now will notice that this week’s cover is strangely similar to the one that graced the front of our January 11th issue. That week we were trying to play on the phrase, “Winner, Winner Chicken Dinner” in honor of our Alchemist Award winner announcements. Some of you and your neighbors thought that the image of a woman licking a drumstick was so overtly sexual that it bordered on pornographic. I was told that there was no way to argue that it just a girl eating a drumstick. It was clearly supposed to represent a penis and, in fact, she looked underage, which made the image child pornography. It reminds me of the joke Bill Murray told in “What About Bob?” A doctor draws two circles and says, “What do you see?” The guy says, “Sex.” So the doctor draws trees, “What do you see?” The guy says, “Sex”. The doctor draws a car, owl, a table. “Sex, sex, sex.” The doctor says to him, “You are obsessed with sex.” He replies, “Well, you’re the one drawing all the dirty pictures!” To spell it out, we see what we want to see. All we’re doing is presenting you an image. This week, you should see an image that is equally sexual to the one with the female and the drumstick. If you don’t, it’s time to ask what really makes the January 11th issue dirty. It clearly isn’t the drumstick because this week’s ice cream cone could be considered phallic.

-Noah Stroup noah@thealchemistweekly.com

The Women’s Boutique rated 1 by The Alchemist Readers #

Revolve your Spring Wardrobe with Second Glance & The Annex Main Store The Annex 312 SW 3rd Street, Corvallis 214 SW Jefferson, Corvallis Mon – Sat 10 – 6 Mon – Sat 11 – 6 Sun 12 – 5 Sun 12 – 5 www.glanceagain.com Both locations accepting spring consignments daily, no appointment necessary.

DIRTSTIR More Brain Crumbs

• Corvallis School District has a new superintendent, and one of the interview questions was regarding how to close the “achievement gap.” Puke. It is the practice to handicap (RETARD) the capable and alter standards to improve performance of the less capable. Mr. Bergeron, your son is dead. • In 2004, Muzzammil Hassan started the first U.S. english-language television station, focused on presenting positive portrayals of Muslims. He just got 25-to-life for cutting his wife’s head off a few days after she filed for a divorce. Imagine a vain act, combining both pride and futility (vain vanity? vainly vain?), knowing what is done is important, but impotent.

Sustainable Snake(bit) Oil

• Corvallis Municipal Code 2.15.170 places maintenance and liability for sidewalks on the property owner, as 2.19.160 places maintenance and liability for street trees on the property owner. CMC 3.07 and 3.09, covering the how and why of the sidewalk maintenance and urban forestry maintenance fees, place no liability on the City. The sustainablility fees on your water bill ($2.75 for transit, $0.80 for sidewalk maintenance, and $0.50 for street tree maintenance) are just a free pass to your wallet. The only thing sustained is the rate at which money is being siphoned off our water bills. So, our dear city councilors (my apologies to the 4 of 9 that opposed the fees) are endangering an upcoming tax levy ballot, hoping the high standards of the Corvallis citizens will grudgingly pass the measure in May. The $0.45/$1,000 property value measure is to replace a $0.29/$1,000 levy that is ending, and to help close upcoming expected budget shortfalls. Funds are to maintain the library, senior and aquatic centers, and other social services (fire and police, currently aided by the $0.29/$1,000 amount that is sunsetting). Dear City Council, if you want to soften the fees, take the money you’ve been sucking off our water bills and fix some sidewalks!

Schoning/Bula Serial

• Man, why don’t they just liquidate, take their chips and go? In the latest, on November 4, 2010, Bula was given 30 days to correct 29 violations at an 80 year-old house they own in Albany. In an appeal, the Albany Building Board of Appeals ruled against them on February 8. After being denied a postponement (claiming out of country for medical treatment), and having a representative appear who couldn’t talk about the

VOICE

CORVALLIS VANITIES

property, the Albany City Council denied another appeal on March 9. Schoning/Bula now have 30 days to make all repairs (including a complete rewiring). The Gazette-Times article quoted the S/B representative stating, “Their argument is we want him to bring it up to every single code, and that’s a dangerous precedent to set.” Uh...Having a rental property meet code is a...what? Did I mention it was Schoning’s brother, also a property player, who was the representative? His name is on some of the loans for the Bula properties, and he also opposed the tenant nuisance ordinance a couple years ago. Can you say, “Cut from the same cloth?” With Schoning/Bula’s track record, I would have thought they would use the 100+ days they had to get a good jump on repairs. Instead, like a gambling addict, they seem to hold out for the big win. If the couple is out of the country for medical reasons, they could dump the properties or maintain rentability by getting and keeping the properties up to code. (I don’t think this will be the last Bula property to get press.) This could reduce non-medical related anxieties, and provide capital for property repairs or health care.

And You Say It Like It’s a Bad Thing

• According to m-w.com, a nation is “a community of people composed of one or more nationalities and possessing a more or less defined territory and government.” I believe in the United States as a nation, it’s constitution and laws, and as such a nationalist. I also believe a nation’s government should maintain various social programs to uphold the well being of its citizens. So, to some extent I am also a socialist. Neither of these concepts demand the absence of democracy, in fact they require a very strong showing of democratic principles. Receiving the benefits of this society is based on very basic obligations required and defined by law. Not meeting these obligations should, but doesn’t necessarily prevent receipt of benefit. I am not OK with providing benefit, or reducing obligation to receive benefit, for people not currently meeting the basic obligations for participation in this society. One is not allowed to leave this country without meeting the obligation of a passport. There are obligations for receiving a passport, unless one has no respect for that law. I have no idea where I’m going with this, I just had an anxious surge thinking there is really no country providing the shrinking benefits I enjoy here. I don’t appreciate my sense of place being disrupted. -tcj dirtstirreply@gmail.com

The thoughts, views, and opinions expressed in Voice are of their authors and do not necessarily represent the thoughts, views or opinions of CorvAlcheMedia, LLC. WWW.TH EALCH EMI ST WEEKLY.COM • MARCH 15, 2011 •

TO THE EDITOR

LETTERS A LITTLE LOVE

To the awesome Alchemist staff, For the past year I have been meaning to send a letter of appreciation to the contributors of The Alchemist!! No need to explain why I'm rarely impressed with any of the local news media, with one exception. The Alchemist is in a class of its own. I look forward to the weekly BUMP calendar sharing local music happenings, and the unique, interesting articles written with such personality and realism as well. I applaud The Alchemist’s focus on keeping us "in touch" with, and supporting local small businesses and community diversity. GREAT job to all and keep on, keep on! : )

VERDICT

A little adjustment And they’ve got a better bureau by TIM HELLMAN

Also, wanted to give a shout out to local poet, Marnie Ernst Zoa, for her poem "If You Could," published week of March 1, 2011. Very cool! With much appreciation, Rhonda King Corvallis LETTERS from our Readers are always welcome and we will print as many as we can fit. Please send your letters to editor@thealchemistweekly.com. It is helpful for you to include your name and contact information as well. Letters may be edited for grammar, clarity, or space restrictions.

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• MARCH 15, 2011 • WWW.T H E A LC H E M I S T WE E KLY. CO M

man challenges fate itself and its protectors in this adaptation of the Philip K. Dick short story “Adjustment Team.” Matt Damon stars as politician David Norris and Emily Blunt co-stars as ballerina dancer Elise Sellas. The two must fight for their love when the enforcers of fate try to keep them apart (for reasons not fully explained). First time director George Nolfi wrote and directed the film (he also wrote and co-wrote the screenplays to two other Matt Damon films: “Ocean’s Twelve” and “The Bourne Ultimatum”). The movie is a fantasy/romance/thriller and it doesn’t do a very good job of mixing the genres thoroughly, but does play out with a lot of enjoyment all the same. As the movie opens, David Norris is a popular and very promising political figure on the verge of winning a U.S. Senate seat when he blows his lead through a highly publicized and very unpopular reunion party prank. This is when “The Adjustment Bureau,” as they call themselves, is first brought into action to clean things up. They work for a higher power (presumably God) and are what some people call angels (although they act a lot like bureaucrats). They have special powers, can teleport through magical doors and alter (as well as erase) people’s minds. It’s their job to make sure their boss’ plan (they call him ‘the Chairman’) is executed. Their skills are further put to the test when Norris, by chance, continues to run into the woman of his dreams, Elise, who he’s not supposed to be with. When he, by chance again, witnesses the men in action he is told of their duties and that he can never reveal

THE ADJUSTMENT BUREAU DIRECTED by | George Nolfi WRITTEN by | George Nolfi (screenplay) and Philip K. Dick (short story “Adjustment Team”) STARS | Matt Damon, Emily Blunt, & Florence Kastriner ALCHY rating | 3.5 / 5 them to anyone or suffer the consequence of being lobotomized. They also tell Norris he can not see the girl. Norris follows his heart, passion, and love, of course, but decides to ignore their commands. The movie is as silly as it sounds and completely over the top (which is odd for a Matt Damon film) but it had a lot of potential to be something really great. The acting by Damon and Blunt is outstanding and their chemistry onscreen is pure magic (one of the best cinematic relationships I’ve seen depicted on screen in a while). That’s why I really wanted to like the movie and after a botched and cheesy scene here and there I kept hoping it would redeem itself. The writing is a little weak and the directing is amateurish (although there are several scenes that work, all involving Damon and Blunt). The whole movie it felt as though there was a great movie waiting to break free but it just couldn’t. Even so, it’s worth seeing if for nothing else than to see Damon and Blunt in action together. As a romance and a film about the power of love it definitely works.

VERDICT

HAPPY ST. PATTY’S DAY!

audiophilia

audiofeelya—audiofeelin ya—howdyafeelin y’all by ELLA MARIE CANUS

udiophilia’s “All Purpose EP,” the preliminary version of an album to be out later this year, begins with an uplifting jolt through funk/pop/ jammy musical territory. We’re bouncing somewhere between cuddly rainbows and groovypoprocks akin to the softer side of psychedelic musical explorations. Audiophilia brings the funk balanced out nicely with newer elements of jam rock, into a sound popular amongst bands recently populating festivals. It resounds of Sound Tribe Sector Nine, un-surprisingly, as the band lists them as one of their main influences. This is music one should be listening to on the grass at a festival where good vibrations and overarching positivity reign. The crisp recording makes me think this festival would take place in the future. Masses lying and listening on a field o’plastics which contour immediately to the shape of your body – tempurpedicpsychedelic. It’s hard to listen to this music without imagining what the concurrent light show reflecting out of your third eye might look like. Track 1: The music strengthens itself in that it provides a clear vision and layout of the environment it puts you in, and of the mood progression the band itself chooses to make as the album continues. It leads you where it wants you to go. You are not left wondering how to feel. In case you couldn’t tell, audiophilia, as the name suggests, is impossibly uplifting. Track 2: It’s like we are giant hand holding children being led down caves. Walking though echoes of light and sound caverns in which the beat of your footsteps resound out with sonar pulses that are reflected and refracted as the stalactites drip honeyed melodies that mix into the waves your own movement provides. Hypnotic movements tempting you closer to comfort in these safe, safe spaces of sound. Track 3: We’re brought into to classic jam band territory, with guitars rocking back and forth between a loosened drum beat and lead vocals and guitar stretching out the spaces between. Track 4: The melancholic alliteration of the fourth track falls into the repetitive movements of trance like musical development. It feels like the song leads us through the emotions of the players before we really understand the depth of the place we have come to. Keyboard on this is my favorite as it’s reminiscent of the space which might have been created between Coldplay and Nina Simone. Track 5: On the fifth track the upbeat drums and guitar bring us into early 80’s Police like pop going into harmonies reminiscent of a later point in the same decade.

Album art by Joel Gustafson

First Alternative

CO-OP presents...

KERRYGOLD IRISH CHEESE

Appropriately wrapping up our audiophiliac experience. The instrumentality of audiophilia is spot on, and complemented by the clear hi-fi recording done at local Wild Rose Studios. The capricious but comfortable tempo changes provide fodder for more attentive listeners while keeping the music from getting staid or drifting into more predictable patterns. On all the tracks the notes seem to carry themselves, bringing complex musical developments under smooth vocals. The album is technically satisfying as local favorite Curtis Monette fills out complex guitar work which falls through triplets arpeggios and links the vocal harmonies with complexities more appropriate to the genres of jazz and funk. At times we go into what feels like it could be Stevie-like wonders of funk / pop / soul complementing easy movement through uplifting harmonies and quick movements of melody more akin to Miles Davis or Curtis Mayfield. It is clean...very, very clean. In places the album is so sweet it almost seems like an eighth grade slow dance for adults. I can’t help but wonder what throwing in some vinyl or some more out there ambient themed or synth work could do with this album. The musicians are doing such a good job that they can afford to branch out further. They all know each other well enough musically that bringing another voice to the mix would stir things up and add an element of unpredictable static energy that adds to the formula of REALLY GREAT

audiophilia ALL PURPOSE EP KAILANA BALDWIN-FRANCIS vocals, percussion, acoustic guitar RYAN CRAIG | drums JOEL GUSTAFSON | bass CURTIS MONETTE | electric guitars, vocals ALCHY rating | 4 / 5 audiophilia.bandcamp.com music. Of course they do a great job with it, and the undercurrents keep us moving to the motions and happily so. This album, like their shows, will make you feel that this thing called music is more attainable and experienced. The good vibrations you get overall will stay with you longer than any understanding of how or why it makes you feel certain ways. Music is a powerful thing and it can be used for good and evil, for positive or negative emotions to paint pictures that enlighten us or throw us back into the depths of our darkest selves. All of it projecting the path and future- creating our own realities just a few notes ahead of where we are.

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WORD

Too taboo for U? Your favorite professor: Dr. Sex

Photo by Cindy Dauer

by CINDY DAUER

aking sex out of the bedroom and bringing it into the classroom, Kathy Greaves - Corvallis’s Dr. Sex - sheds light on those places where the sun doesn’t shine. Everything you ever wanted to know about sex but were too embarrassed to ask, Greaves, PhD, covers in her Human Sexuality class (HDFS 240) at Oregon State University. The resident sexpert has been educating students about sexual health issues for more than a decade, and her students love her for it. “She’s entertaining and easy to relate to,” said Evan Toyooka, a 22-year-old biology major who plans to go to medical school. “Plus she’s really funny.” Greaves champions humor as a teaching strategy, and likens her lectures to a performance. She also uses pictures, props, diagrams, and electronic response pads to keep her undergrads engaged. With a topic like sex, it’s not too hard. Every term, Greaves plays her sexuallycharged curriculum to a maxed-out class of 400 students in Milam Auditorium. What keeps them filling the seats – other than the sex talk – is Dr. Greaves. The enrollment speaks for itself, but on top of that, the readers of The Alchemist Weekly voted Greaves their “Favorite Professor” of 2010 as part of the most recent round of Alchemist Awards (the full results are published in the January 11th issue available online). While Greaves is revered for her captivating lectures on the topic of human sexuality, she is also known for her weekly column “Ask Dr. Sex” that runs every Wednesday in the Daily Barometer, OSU’s student-produced newspaper. In her column, she responds to questions from students and community members about birth control, sexually transmitted diseases, penis envy, sex toys, current events related to human sexuality, and more. Her candid discussion of sexually-related topics have raised the eyebrows of community members in the past. After one community member was offended by her discussion of fellatio – she agreed to keep the column rated PG-13. Between her class and her column, Greaves fields questions that run the gamete (pun intended) of sexual issues. Hands down, the most common question she gets from both male and female students is about the elusive female orgasm. Her reply: get a vibrator. “That’s usually my advice,” she said. “It usually works.” The question that isn’t asked enough, according to Dr. Sex, is about sexually-charged violence like date and acquaintance rape. She wants students to be able to identify precursors of sexually-aggravated crimes 6

and make smart, safe decisions about sex. When a sex crime occurs, she also wants students to know where they can find help – all issues she covers in her class and column. While all this sex talk may be second nature to some, many undergraduates at Oregon State University are virgins when it comes to sex education. Since 1996, the federal government has been promoting abstinence-only sex education. Through the Welfare Reform Act adopted that year, the federal government spends more than $175 million on these programs annually with even more spent by state and local governments in matching grant funds, according to the Washington Post. One tenet of abstinence-only sex education is that “sexual activity outside the context of marriage is likely to have harmful psychological and physical effects.” For Greaves, teaching on a college campus, she realizes that students are going to have sex. She supports abstinence as a choice, but doesn’t believe that abstinenceonly education is realistic. So, she works to inform her students about all their options, whether they choose to abstain from sex until they are married or not. “With all the abstinence-only education going on around the country, they end up here with little or no knowledge,” she said. “In my class they learn about a lot of stuff

• MARCH 15, 2011 • WWW.T H E A LC H E M I S T WE E KLY. CO M

they have never even heard of before.” While the sex talk turns heads, she also covers reproductive health, the physical, emotional, and psychological repercussions of sex, anatomy, sexual violence, and sexual orientation. As a sexpert, Greaves is not limited to lecturing in class. In addition to regularly giving informative talks on campus, she has also been invited to speak at the Jackson Street Youth Shelter and she is open to other invitations. Looking at the Corvallis community, Greaves sees the contrast between the student population and the greater demographic living in Corvallis. “Corvallis is a pretty liberal community. It’s a blue city,” she said. “OSU is a red student population, very bright blood red, very Republication, very conservative. They come from rural areas of Oregon.” With its agricultural focus, OSU often draws students from small towns where conservative values dominate politics and social life. As a result, combined with abstinence-only education, many of the students have questions about human sexuality that haven’t been addressed in their home communities. Greaves also believes that the Corvallis demographic explains why there is no strip club here. Her take is that the liberal “enlightened” man sees strip clubs as ob-

jectifying women. Many in the Corvallis community – socially liberal – don’t want to objectify women. As for some covers of The Alchemist Weekly that have drawn ire from “offended” readers, Greaves says that two people looking at the same image can come to very different conclusions. “I think the real issue is that it’s a fine line to walk between sexually empowering women and objectifying them,” she said. “One person will look at a particular image and say it objectifies women while another person will look at that very same image and say it sexually empowers women.” While Dr. Sex – who grew up admiring Dr. Ruth (and has been compared to her – both being outspoken and short in stature) – may seem brutally honest, that’s what her students want. At the end of a lecture, students file out of the auditorium, but a few linger behind. They stand patiently in line to get one-onone face time with Dr. Sex. One girl asks about irregular periods, another about birth control. At least three others wait for a consultation with Greaves who receives them readily. For these students, Dr. Sex has just what they seek: information. With her friendly smile and non-threatening demeanor, she’s made topics that are difficult to discuss easily approachable.

ALCHY

PICKS [AMERICANA]

Putnam Smith

Tuesday | March 15th | 8 pm FireWorks

vinyl EP in 2011? How about doing it in a secretive warehouse venue on the edge of town? Crashing into the ears and minds of Corvallis in true punk fashion, abolitionist will be releasing their new 7” vinyl EP “At The Level of the Ear” at Stump Town Sounds at 7 PM on Friday, March 18th. Having listened to the album already, I can safely say it does justice to abolitionist’s reputation of hard, smart lyrics slashed thru with broken-nose punk instrumental veracity. Abolitionist has pledged to donate 5% of the EP’s proceeds to Partners-InHealth, an organization attempting to create a sustainable, safe environment in Rwanda. Taking over where The Wake left off, Stump Town Sounds is an independent all-ages venue located somewhere in the depths of Southtown, the location of which can be secured by emailing abolitionist at abolitionist1859@gmail.com, or just cruising around Southtown listening for the sounds of artistic mayhem.

contributed photo

-Jimbo Ivy

[PUNK ROCK] Friday | March 18th | 10 pm Cloud 9

IGNORANCE IS BLISS [AMERICANA] Tuesday | March 15th | 8 pm FireWorks

PICKIN’ & WINNIN’! DUH!

Putnam Smith is coming to Corvallis all the way from Portland. Portland, Maine that is. How that be for a travelin’ musician? Somebody comes that far to pick his strings on his grandfather’s banjo and speak a little truth is all right in my book, and well worth a listen. He played a free show at Fireworks Bar and Grill yesterday. Luckily you’ll have a chance today, Tuesday the 15th, to catch his full show, which starts at 8 pm and lasts until 10. I listened to his music on the interwebs. It stuck to my ribs. He plays other things besides the banjo. He can play a guitar, a piano, and probably some other wood and string type things. He plays ‘em damn good too. So expect that. There is something about a dexterous and vibrant banjo picker that makes the big toe in my boot shoot straight up like Little Richard when he first heard Jimi Hendrix play the electric guitar. It captures whatever that thing is inside that lives in all of us that resonates with good music and causes involuntary movement and groovin’. I can’t think of a better setting for this traveling throwback to throw down than at Fireworks on a chilly night with a nice fire going in the pizza oven, and also in some of those new fangled metal stove

pipe looking things that make it warm all around ‘em. Bring someone with a beard to stroke with their eyes closed for that extra bit of understanding that comes from chin whiskers. -Stanley Tollett

[PARTY] Thursday | March 17th | ALL DAY Everywhere

SAD PATTY’S DAY

Ah, Saint Patty’s Day. What is there to say that hasn’t been said? We all know what it is and what it means. We also know what it doesn’t mean. There is nothing saintly about it. There is tradition, but it’s removed from what I can only suppose was the original. So what has it become? It’s not just an excuse to get hammered. I’m almost positive of this. Young folk these days do not need any excuse to get hammered (reference Monroe Ave. Thurs. - Sun. nights 2:15 - 3:00 am.) Green clothing, pinching, punching, kissing and yes...getting utterly blasted on cheap green beer. These are all de rigueur. I’m not trying to piss on your parade. That’s not where I am going with this. Don’t let this cheapen St. Patty’s Day for you, but any intelligent person above the age of 16 knows that St. Patrick’s Day is about excessive drinking and general tomfoolery...not a saint, or the banishment of snakes from Ireland as a friend suggested. I say screw the original meanings of it

completely. Forget about them all together and stop trying to explain or investigate it. It’s just another one of those things about America the beautiful in this 21st century, nobody knows...nobody cares. Let’s just get wasted and screw! After all, if we don’t do that from time to time, then what the f*** are we working all week long at school or job or both for? If you think it’s because of your good work ethic/personal values or because you’re “contributing to the betterment of society and yourself ”, go flush out your head sisters and brothers. You’re doing all that SO you can get out of control, unbridle yourself from the yolk of society on “special occasions” like St. Patty’s Day, and do so without guilt, knowing that you worked hard for this freedom to experience, if only for one night, a little hedonism and debauchery. You do this for one simple sociological reason...brace yourself kids. Chances are...you’ll never be rich enough to be able to do it for any longer than 2 weeks at a time for the rest of your young lives. -Stanley Tollett

[PUNK ROCK] Friday | March 18th | 7 pm Stump Town Sounds NEW PUNK VINYL HITS HARD AS A MACHETE Beyond screaming guitar riffs and manic downbeats, how can a punk band be even more punk? How about releasing a DIY

I love Ignorant Sluts. I always have and always will. I previously thought, like some of you, that punk was dead. Awwww, hell no. This group rips it. And they’ll rip you too. And who in their right mind isn’t ripe for a rippin’? This Corvallis foursome cranks out punk with the abandon of Iggy and the Stooges and some catchy hooks that reminds me of...no I’m not going to do it. I want to a little. But I can’t. I can’t say some reckless shit like...reminiscent of some early bootlegs I heard of a little known band from Aberdeen, Washington. I mean they sound nothing like them, but to even mention something in comparison that is so sacrosanct, well...it’s not something I do. So I’m going to play a little trick on you and compare them a little without completely comparing them and intoning names. Bands hate to be compared to other bands anyway, but the listener or the potential concert goer needs something to latch onto before the put on their converse and hoodies. So there it is. Simply put, I really enjoy listening to their music. It makes me want to give up all over again for the 78th time. I don’t know how I feel about this, or how they will feel about me writing it. But who cares anyway? I sure as hell don’t. Whatever...Nevermind. Ignorant Sluts is opening up for some other band at Cloud 9. The show is Friday, March 18 at 10 pm. The cover is $3.

-Stanley Tollett

WWW.TH EALCH EMI ST WEEKLY.COM • MARCH 15, 2011 •

tuesday15

livemusic

Corvallis

FIREWORKS Putnam Smith from Portland, Maine 8:00 pm, FREE [AMERICANA] SUNNYSIDE UP CAFÉ Celtic Jam, 7:00 pm, FREE [LISTEN/PLAY]

wednesday16

livemusic

Corvallis

FIRST UNITED METHODIST CHURCH Amore Music Series presents Craig Hanson performing Domenico Zipoli, 12:15, FREE [PIANO] SUNNYSIDE UP CAFÉ Mango Django, 6:00 pm, FREE [JAZZ]

sing&dance

Albany

Tangent

DIXIE CREEK SALOON Blues Jam with Wild Bill, 7:00 pm [BLUES]

RILEY'S BAR & GRILL Cutting Edge Productions presents Throwback Thursday with DJ Tray, FREE [DANCE]

Corvallis

ELKS LODGE Beginner Line Dance 7:00 pm, $3 [DANCE] IMPULSE BAR Cuban Salsa 7:30 pm FREE [DANCE] PEACOCK BAR & GRILL Main Stage: Karaoke, 9:00 pm, FREE [SING]; On the Top: DJ , 9:00 pm FREE [DANCE] UNITARIAN UNIVERSALIST FELLOWSHIP Fellowship Community Choir rehearsals, 7:00 pm, $50 for 12 week term [SING]

Eagles Lodge Albany Senior Dance, 1:30 - 3:30 pm, $3 [DANCE]

Corvallis

APPLEBEE’S Karaoke/Guitar Hero, 9:00 pm, FREE [SING] PETER GYSEGEM’S STUDIO Argentine tango classes, 7:15 pm, $5 [DANCE] PEACOCK BAR & GRILL Main Stage: Karaoke, 9:00 pm, FREE [SING]; On the Top: DJ 9:00 pm, FREE [SING]

Lebanon

MERLIN'S BAR & GRILL Karaoke, 9:00 pm [SING]

Halsey

Lebanon

WOODY'S BAR & GRILL “Terry-oke” karaoke with Terry Geil, 9:00 pm, FREE [SING]

MERLIN'S BAR & GRILL Karaoke, 9:00 pm [SING]

stuff

Corvallis

APPLEBEE'S National Trivia Association Night, 9:00 pm, FREE BOYS AND GIRLS CLUB Children’s Art Sale Fundraiser, 5:00 pm [ART] ENOTECA WINE BAR Girls night out! Knit night, 7:00 pm [SHE'S CRAFTY] WINESTYLES Tuesday Night Trivia, 6:00 pm, $10 per team for winter league [SMARTY PANTS]

www.facebook.com/ thealchemistweekly 8

• MARCH 15, 2011 • WWW.T H E A LC H E M I S T WE E KLY. CO M

sing&dance

Albany

stuff

Corvallis

BENTON COUNTY LIBRARY Book Club, 7:00 pm, FREE [BOOKS] CLOUD 9 Beer and Blog, 5:00 pm, FREE [LAGER BLOGGER] ENOTECA WINE BAR Wine Tasting: Nivens Family Wines, 7:00 pm, $10 [WINE]

DISC SKATE GLASS

Independently Owned since 2006

1110 NW Van Buren Corvallis, OR 541.754.4257

thursday17

livemusic

Albany

CALAPOOIA BREWING St Patty’s with the McGs! And cider tasting with 2TownsCiderhouse, 8:00 pm, FREE [FIDDLE]

Corvallis

BOMBS AWAY CAFÉ Curtis Monette & acoustiphilia, 9:00 pm, FREE [JAMMIN’] BLOCK 15 BREWING St. Patty’s with Mill About Smartly and Ordinance, 7:30 pm, FREE [IRISH] CLOUD 9 St. Patty’s Day Extravaganza: Ordinance, The Nettles, Team Banzai, 6:00 pm, FREE [PARTY!] ENOTECA WINE BAR Three Fingered Jack, 6:00 pm, FREE [CELTIC] FIREWORKS Coin of the Realm Orchestra featuring Zach Konowalchuk, 7:00 pm, FREE [CELTIC] OSU LASELLS STEWART CENTER KRKT & Oregon Jamboree Mystery Concert to benefit St. Jude’s Hospital, 7:00 pm, $10 [COUNTRY] OLD WORLD DELI Old-Time Music Jam, 7:00 pm, FREE [ACOUSTIC] PAPA’S PIZZA Northwest Banjo Band, 6:30 pm, FREE [BANJO]

sing&dance

Albany

EAGLES LODGE Line dance, 7:00 pm, $4 [DANCE]

Corvallis

PEACOCK BAR & GRILL Main Stage: Karaoke, 9:00 pm [SING]; On the Top: DJ Mike, 9:00 pm, FREE [DANCE]

Lebanon

MERLIN'S BAR & GRILL Karaoke, 9:00 pm [SING]

stuff

Albany

RHYTHM & BREWS CAFÉ Calapooia Middle School Photography Art Show, 4:30 pm, FREE [ART]c

Corvallis

APPLEBEE’S R&R Jukebox, 9:00 pm, FREE [PICK ‘EM] ENOTECA WINE BAR Chocolate Truffle Thursdays, 6:00 pm, FREE [YUMMERS] FIRST ALT COOP NORTH NORTH Beer Tasting, 5:00 pm [BEER ME] FIRST PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH Dr. Clinton Epps “Elephants, Impalas and Large Carnivores in Tanzania,” 6:30 pm, FREE [LECTURE] WINESTYLES Palotai Winery Wine Tasting, 5:30 pm, $7 [WINE ME]

Lebanon

Thursday, 7:30 pm, FREE [IRISH]

MILL ABOUT SMARTLY Block 15

2010 Alchemist Winner:

LEBANON PUBLIC LIBRARY Business After Hours: Altrusa and 4 Sisters Bakery, 5:00 pm, FREE [MEET]

Philomath

COLLEGE UNITED METHODIST CHURCH Philomath Chamber Forum Luncheon with Dan Forbess, Philomath School District Superintendent and Jim Kildea, School Board Member and Bond Oversite Committe Chairman, 12:00 pm, $10, Reserve by Tuesday [LUNCHEON]

ALCH 1/6 PAGE - 2.84" x 7"

FAVORITE MUSIC VENUE

FAVORITE APPETIZER

FAVORITE PLACE TO SPEND $10 FAVORITE PLACE TO GET PICKED UP

– LIVE MUSIC THIS WEEK – THURSDAY

MAR 17

8:30p | FREE CURTIS MONETTE & FRIENDS

FRIDAY

MAR 18 10p | FREE WILD HOG IN THE WOODS

SATURDAY

MAR 19

7:30p | FREE BOMBS’ VARIETY NIGHT

2527 NW Monroe

Corvallis, OR 541.757.7221 bombsawaycafe.com

WWW.TH EALCH EMI ST WEEKLY.COM • MARCH 15, 2011 •

friday18

saturday19

livemusic

Albany

livemusic

Albany

CALAPOOIA BREWING Joe Freuen Sextet, 8:00 pm, FREE [JAZZ]

RHYTHM AND BREWS The Metrognomes, 7:00 pm [BLUES]

Corvallis

BEANERY ON 2ND Robert Richter, 8:00 pm, FREE [ACOUSTIC]] BOMBS AWAY CAFÉ Variety Night, 8:00 pm, FREE [SHOWCASE] CLOUD 9 Loaded for Bear and Hot Rod Carl, 10:00 pm, FREE [ROCK] FIREWORKS The Railflowers, 8:00 pm, FREE [BLUEGRASS]

BEANERY ON 2ND Mike Jones, 8:00 pm, FREE [ACOUSTIC] BELLE VALEE TASTING ROOM Ralph Penunuri, 7:00 pm, FREE [ACOUSTIC] BOMBS AWAY CAFÉ Wild Hog in the Woods, 9:00 pm, FREE [STRINGBAND] CLOUD 9 The Ignorant Sluts, ForSorcerers, 10:00 pm [ROCK] FIREWORKS Al Rivers, 10:00 pm, FREE [BLUES] STUMPTOWN SOUNDS Abolitionist record release show with Fools Rush and Black Market Organ Drive, 7:00 pm, $5 [ROCK]

Lebanon

MERLIN’S BAR AND GRILL Down Side Up, FREE, 9:00 pm [ROCK]

Lebanon

sing&dance

Albany

MERLIN’S BAR AND GRILL Down Side Up, FREE, 9:00 pm [ROCK]

Tangent

RILEY'S BAR & GRILL Cutting Edge Production presents DJ Tray, FREE [DANCE]

Corvallis

DIXIE CREEK SALOON Crimson Guardians, Only Nightmares, Griefhammer, 9:30 pm [ROCK]

CORVALLIS DANCE CENTER Beginning West Coast Swing, 6:00 pm [DANCE] FCC GATTON HALL Corvallis Folklore Society: Contra Dance f. Hands4 with Susie Kendig, $7, 7:30 pm [DANCE] PEACOCK BAR & GRILL On the Top: DJ Big Cheese, 9:00 pm FREE [DANCE]

sing&dance

Albany

RILEY'S BAR & GRILL Cutting Edge Production presents Ladies Night with Dj Tray, FREE [DANCE]

Lebanon

Corvallis

DUFFY'S IRISH PUB Karaoke, 10:00 pm, FREE [SING] MERLIN'S BAR & GRILL Karaoke, 9:00 pm [SING]

CLOUD 9 Riot in the Clouds, 10:00 pm, FREE [DJ CHI DULY] CORVALLIS SENIOR CENTER Friday Night Dance by The Syncopators, 7:00 pm, $4 [DANCE] PEACOCK BAR & GRILL Main Stage: Karaoke, 9:00 pm [SING]; On the Top: DJ Alex, 9:00 pm, FREE [DANCE]

stuff

Albany

Halsey

LINN COUNTY EXPO Northwest Horse Fair, 5:00 pm, $10 [WHY THE LONG FACE?]

Corvallis

WOODY'S BAR & GRILL “Terry-oke” karaoke with Terry Geil, 9:00 pm, FREE [SING]

Lebanon

BENTON COUNTY FAIRGROUNDS Indoor Winter Market, 9:00 am, FREE [MARKET] CENTRAL PARK 8 Year Anniversary of Iraq War Memorial Procession, 12:00 pm, FREE [MEMORIAL] ENOTECA Saketini Saturdays, 3:00 pm [SAKE-TO-ME] GARLAND NURSERY Spring Garden Kick Off 101: Get Your Garden Started, 11:00 am, FREE [LEARN] GRASS ROOTS BOOKS “The Resilient Gardener” author Carol Deppe, 2:00 pm [BOOKS]

DUFFY'S IRISH PUB Karaoke, 10:00 pm, FREE [SING] MERLIN'S BAR & GRILL Karaoke, 9:00 pm [SING]

stuff

Albany

LINN COUNTY EXPO Northwest Horse Fair, 5:00 pm, $10 [WHY THE LONG FACE?]

Corvallis

FIRST ALT COOP SOUTH Wine tasting, 5:00 pm [WINE ME] FIRST PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH “Once Upon a Time…in a Land Where Nobody’s Perfect,” by The Drama Squad!, 6:30, $4 [THEATER] WINESTYLES Friday Flights, 5:00 pm [WINE]

The Majestic Theatre Proudly Proudly Presents Presents

The CRESCENDO

Show

Saturday 8:00 pm March 26, 2011 With With special special Guests Guests

R Reeb beec cc ca a C Co on nn nEEr r & & H Ho ott M Miillk k

contributed photo

General General Admission--$10.00 Admission--$10.00

Proceeds Proceeds to to benefit benefit the the Historic Historic Majestic Majestic Theatre Theatre

Friday | 10 pm | [ROCK]

FORSORCERERS

Cloud 9

• MARCH 15, 2011 • WWW.T H E A LC H E M I S T WE E KLY. CO M

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Terror From Above

contributed photo

Across 1. Industrial vessels 5. Red Cross pioneer Barton 10. Grammy winner for “Electric Feel” 14. “Do you want me to draw you ___?” 15. One might go cruising 16. Response to fireworks 17. In ___ land 18. Waiting to get drunk 19. Eleven, in Paris 20. Domain names 21. Relatives of tangerines 22. Former People for the American Way president Ralph 23. Drag racing taunt 25. It’s second to a strike 26. Adonis ___ 27. Former bachelorette Fedotowsky 28. Charlie Sheen rentals 30. The Hawks, on the scoreboard 31. Granny 33. Philosophical principle from China 34. Doomsday expression, or what you might start to think if you stare at the Down answers for too long 40. Fall off the wagon 41. King’s address 64. Kick out, as a dictator 42. John who shall remain nameless 43. Jimmy of many Grand Slams Down 47. Shaq’s alma mater: Abbr. 1. Estimated to be worth 48. Self: Pref. 2. Long-lasting flowering plant often 49. Rhett Butler’s last two words mentioned in poetry 50. Moves to another planet, say, 3. Bit of BS 53. Scale notes after do 4. Uncontrollable twitch 54. Blowout suffix 5. Meteorologist’s area 55. Do another tour 6. Pappardelle alternative 56. Tiny fraction of a min. 7. “___ Ghost” (Michael Ondaatje 57. There’s one inside of every fan novel) 58. Banks with a talk show, once 8. Say by heart 59. Saudi Arabian province 9. God of war 60. Options above “all of the above” 10. Boat feature for divers and drillers 61. Sweeties 11. Approach 62. ___ Institute (Charles Koch’s think 12. His “Symphony No. 1” was written tank) at age eight 63. Cherry with “Buffalo Stance” 13. Luther’s 95

Saturday | 8 pm | FREE [SHOWCASE]

VARIETY NIGHT

Bombs Away Cafe

Albany

livemusic

CALAPOOIA BREWING Blues Jam, 4:00 pm [BLUES] NOVAK'S HUNGARIAN RESTAURANT Strings of Time, 6:00 pm, FREE [FOLK]

Corvallis

FIREWORKS Cloud Mountain Ramblers, 8:00 pm, FREE [STRINGBAND]

Corvallis

sing&dance

PEACOCK BAR & GRILL Main Stage: Karaoke, 9:00 pm [SING]

Lebanon

MERLIN'S BAR & GRILL Karaoke, 9:00 pm [SING]

Albany

24. Pulls, as a bell rope 25. Grow proportionally bigger 29. ‘80s-’90s Ed McMahon talent competition show 32. Doofus 35. Java company, casually 36. San Francisco rock venue associated with psychedelic posters, with “The” 37. Slumber party challenge 38. Oft-disobeyed road sign 39. Overcomes, as an obstacle 43. “Magnificent” Carson character 44. West Texas oil town 45. “Whatever you want” 46. Night club flasher? 51. Use, as a dish 52. Specialty for some docs 54. Gulf nation with recent protests Difficulty: Hard

stuff

To be considered for a calendar listings, notice of events must be received in writing by noon on Tuesday, two weeks before publication. Send to editor@thealchemistweekly.com. Photographs should be clearly labeled and will be returned if accompanied by a self addressed, stamped envelope.

1 7

4 www.sudoku-puzzles.net

sunday20

Inkwell Crosswords by Ben Tausig

9 9

4 5

2 8

6 6

2 7 5

LINN COUNTY EXPO Northwest Horse Fair, 5:00 pm, $10 [WHY THE LONG FACE?]

Corvallis

ENOTECA WINE BAR Saketini Sunday, 3:00 pm [DRINK]

monday21 Corvallis

stuff

FIREWORKS Southtown Talent Search: The Acoustic Showdown, 9:00 pm [LISTEN/PLAY]

Lebanon

MERLIN'S BAR AND GRILL Karaoke, FREE [SING]

Sunday | 8 pm | [ACOUSTIC]

contributed photo

CLOUD MOUNTAIN RAMBLERS FireWorks

WWW.TH EALCH EMI ST WEEKLY.COM • MARCH 15, 2011 •

Did you {wanna} know? The quick and dirty about getting dirty 80%

of couples wearing socks during intercourse were able to reach orgasm, compared to the

50%

sockless that weren’t.

Impotence is grounds for DIVORCE in 26 states. You never hear this when people talk about couples splitting up. “Why’d Fred and Michelle get divorced?” “Oh, because Fred’s dick don’t work.” “Oh, right, right.”

You can burn 200 calories during 30 minutes of “fierce” sex, equivalent to 15 minutes on the treadmill. We’re not sure what exactly constitutes “fierce” sex, but we have our interns currently exploring various combinations of techniques and stimuli in order to pin it down.

in Texas until 2008. Similar bands still stand in Alabama and Mississippi. I just imagine a giant, ominous vault somewhere in Texas, guarded by hard-looking men in body armor with rifles, containing nothing but multi-colored dildos.

• MARCH 15, 2011 • WWW.TH E A LC H E M I S T WE E KLY. CO M

Good vibrations

ccording to our feature article this week, Kathy Greaves, OSU’s resident sexpert is asked one question above all others. It regards something that is apparently quite elusive, the female orgasm. Her answer, which usually works, is very simple: “Get a vibrator.” In exploration of the vibrating options available in the local area, I decided to call up the Adult Shop on 9th street and ask as many questions as I could about vibrators. Laura Kordeie, who happened to answer the phone when I rang, was more than polite to inform. • The most popular selling vibrators are from the Lucid Dream brand (number 8 and the slightly larger number 60) both have a G-Spot curve at the top. They are both around 6 inches long and around 1-1.5 inches wide. Apparently, the top selling point for this particular brand is its extreme quietness. • The main thing that people look for in a vibrator is that it fits into the their budget, it is hypo-allergenic, and it that has a low noise signature. Other considerations include what type of batteries it uses. Size is important to some both in terms of length and girth. Most people tend to want to start off on the smaller side of things, like bullets, which are small clitoral stimulation devices. • Most people that come into the adult shop are in the 18-20 something age group. • Vibrating cock rings are a popular item. The Screaming O brand is the best selling and usually the most recommended. The company makes other things besides vibrating cock rings, one of which is a small vibrator shaped like an octopus. • The largest dildos that have actually been sold are called, “Dick Rambone,” which is around 13 inches long and 2-3 inches in girth, and another called “Black Balled,” which is slightly smaller at around 11 inches in length. • Lately, one of the most popular items is something called the We-Vibe 2. It is a couples toy that slides inside the vagina and stimulates both the G-Spot and Clitoris. The male can then place his penis underneath the We-Vibe 2 and inside the vagina, thus experiencing the vibrations as well. It has rechargeable batteries and retails for around $120. • Sometimes men call and inquire about women’s lingerie in men’s sizes. • There is a 10 room “arcade,” which are basically small rooms where, for a price, people can enter and view a pornographic film and, if they choose, masturbate. Apparently, they are used regularly with, sometimes more than 50 users coming in on a single day. • There are prank calls often. • Kathy Greaves offers extra credit to students taking her class if they go to the The Adult Shop and write about three products. • Most people ask Laura what it is like working at The Adult Shop. She says, “You get used to it after awhile. It’s fun.”

}

SEX TOYS were banned

}

{ } {} No go? Maybe you’ve got cold feet: in one UK study

O’PINING PINTS Kefir Kick “Why don’t you just buy the stuff?” Liz chides while I stand at the kitchen stove patiently and melodically stirring my organic milk, carefully making sure it doesn’t burn. “You know that the Co-Op sells it, why don’t you just get it there?” With a snort I stop stirring, look up, and curtly retort, “That’s not the point! And besides, I am the ‘fermentation’ expert in this town!” My mind flashes past thousands of gallons of beers and meads and ciders and wines that I have fermented over the years, but MILK? No wonder my friends no longer ask me out. Kefir, a curdled-looking beverage that tastes a bit like a buttermilk and yogurt combination, is sometimes referred to as the “Champagne of Milk.” This entices me because I love Champagne. I love milk, too, but if it were kosher to pour Champagne on top of my morning dose of Wheaties, believe me, I’d be the first! Instead, a splash of kefir in the morning gets me going straight and easy on all the right tracks. Best reason yet for using kefir—it is fermented! Kefir has some “petulant” carbonation because one of the by-products of a particular combination of yeast and bacteria, when combined with milk, is CO2 gas (the stuff that make soda, beer, mineral water and Champagne ‘fizzy’). That’s the fun stuff, and the serious is that kefir contains a host of other desirable beneficiaries -probiotics- that you may want to carry around with you at all times (especially if you have just taken an anti-biotic prescription)! Now I don’t want to get on some sort of stump that purports amazing health and healing with a miracle food, “sent from God” that “cures warts, heals asthma, increases vigor, stamina, brain power, weenus performance and insures financial security,” but there is something to be said about the power of kefir. Gentlemen, begin to mound your mashed potatoes! Okay, what other people say about kefir: 1. Improves digestion and absorption of essential vitamins and minerals, which can help deter unhealthy food cravings by making the body healthier. 2. Treats constipation, diarrhea, colon cancer and even inflammatory bowel syndrome 3. Is effective in treating ulcers 4. Regulates both the blood pressure and blood sugar levels and even cholesterol 5. Is used as a treatment for various respiratory conditions 6. Effective against acne, eczema and various skin disorders 7. Fortifies the body’s immune system helping people cope with AIDS, chronic fatigue, herpes and cancer. 8. Improves the body’s defenses and resistance to diseases 9. Has anti aging or anti oxidant properties 10. Has anti stress properties that lets you feel relaxed after drinking which can help with sleep disorders, depression and ADHD. Compiled from kefir-grains.org and curezone.com. Eh? Still not connecting the dots! Okay, let me try to explain it. Kefir is milk that has had a bacteria/yeast culture added to

LITERATI break down many of the proteins, lactose sugars and lipids found in milk. Remember that kitten you got as a kid and part of raising it was not to let it have any more milk? Well, like cats, many mammals, including humans, are not supposed to drink milk after weaning. We just can’t break down the complexities found in that food source, and so, for many of us, we just get sick from consuming it—well, bloated and bad gas, at the least. Let the “little guys” do the work of breaking down the un-digestible so that our bodies can absorb the nutrients, minerals and amino acids found in milk while stock-piling our gut with an army of combatants that helps us assimilate other hardto-digest foods. This all sounds a bit like yogurt! Well, kefir is different from yogurt in that it contains Lactobacillus Caucasus, Leuconostoc, Acetobacter and Streptococcus bacteria, as well as Saccharomyces kefir and Torula kefir yeasts, which are not found in yogurt. According to curezone these little guys dominate, control, and eliminate destructive pathogenic yeasts in the body. Let’s face it; if your stomach is happy, you are too! Not sure how to use kefir and this keeps you up at night? I don’t recommend putting this in your morning cuppa joe; but, from here on out it is an open-ended recipe book with lots of experimentation to go. Try some of my tried-and-true recipes:

Banana Hammock Smoothie

8 oz. kefir 1 banana Zip in a blender until smooth and enjoy as a smoothie or pour it over cereal of choice as a milk substitute.

Tropical Zippy Smoothie

8 oz. kefir 1 banana 1 cup mango or papaya 1 inch ginger root, peeled and cubed Zip in a blender until smooth and creamy.

Pancakes Fancy

Take your favorite pancake or waffle recipe and substitute the liquid component with kefir (or Tropical Zippy or Banana Hammock). Perhaps give the freshlymixed ingredients a rest for 30-60 minutes before making the cakes to give the kefir time to become active again; you should find that the cakes rise higher, they’ll be fluffier, moister and more flavorful!

The WINNING essay from our ‘What does sexuality mean to you?’ banner contest. by MIC KANDLE

ex is so many things, to so many people. To me, sex is a gift that I have found multiple purposes for. Sex is the drug that takes my worries away with the flush of endorphins. So many times I have blown off frustration, or stress with the simple relief of an orgasm. The contractions of an orgasm can even relieve menstrual cramping and the endorphins can relieve a headache, the cure Sex can be a comfort; when life is awful, I always have sex to console my humanity. It does not cost me anything, except time and energy. If my expectations are not reached, I can have complete control of the outcome, I only have myself (or a lucky partner) to blame. Sex can be the tool used to tease or taunt others, to receive a desired end. The power of a woman’s sex is the driving force to many men’s (or women’s) decisions in life. Wars have been fought, crimes have been committed, lives have been diverted from various paths, and art has been created, all with the promise of sex as the prize. Sex is a muse; I have written songs, created food, changed my health habits, started/ended friendships, danced a new dance, and even traveled to new locations all in the pursuit of sex. Sex can also be an anchor, with a chain

MERLIN’S MERLIN’S BAR BAR AND AND GRILL GRILL 25 W Sherman St • Lebanon, OR

Stud Soup

Boil up one pound of cubed Yukon potatoes until soft. While cooking the spuds, sauté 1/2 onion, 3 cloves of garlic, and 1/2 fennel with a splash of peanut oil. Add 1 tsp. coarsely-cracked pepper and 1 tbl. of dill. Once the onion concoction has turned translucent combine all of the ingredients into a blender/food processor and blend until smooth and serve immediately. Adjust the amount of kefir until you have the consistency of soup your little heart desires. Salt to taste and serve with very rustic bread. -Joel Rea (Corvallis Brewing Supply owner) joel@lickspigot.com

that binds us to people that we might otherwise avoid, except for the damn good sex! I have emotionally hurt the nice guy, to appease my appetite for the bittersweet fruit. I have avoided family and friends in my pursuit for the sweet satisfaction. Oh, too many mistakes have been made because of my desire! Sex is the one thing that seals the deal in my decision to continue on with a relationship. He/she may have all the qualities I look for in a partner, if the sex is not amazing, it will never last. To others it is not as important; they can take it or leave it. I have once set my intentions upon an attractive, intelligent, and seemingly stable man, that told me he was celibate, by choice. Even after having sex previously! We are now just friends. To the sad few, that do not enjoy sex; I am truly sorry. I am so sorry that you have never experienced the ethereal ecstasy of the sexual experience, where you ascend into another realm. When your body is all at once numb and tingling, relaxed and tense, burning hot and soaking wet. All I have to say to those individuals who have not reached that nirvana is that you have to keep trying. Sex is a tool you have to learn to use, you have to teach yourself, I can’t teach all of you.

Karaoke

Weeknights

Steak Night Thursday

5:00 5:00 -- 9:00 9:00 pm pm

Blues Jam Sunday

6:00 6:00 pm pm -- 10:00 10:00 pm pm

Celebrating 9 years! www.merlinsbarandgrill.com

Down Side Up

March 18th & 19th 9:00 9:00 pm pm

WWW.THEALCHEMI ST WEEKLY.COM • MARCH 15, 2011 •

Leo ( July 23-Aug. 22): Princess and the Pea changed up reads Prince and the Peacock wherein a promising marriageable Prince knocks on the castle entrance and spends the night sleeping in a concrete bed placed six feet beneath the floor surface, without blanket or pillow as a peacock wails all night long. When asked if he slept well, he replies truthfully, “Yes.” What we require of genders makes no sense, Leo. A middling ground works. Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): The Celtic tree month of Alder starts in your sign on the 18th. Your proclivity for mutual altruism parallels Alder trees devices. They maintain a symbiotic relationship with bacterium, Frankia alni, found in the tree’s roots. This connection improves the fertility of the soil. As a catalytic species, Alders allow other varieties to propagate well in the improved nitrogenized earth. Spread your gifts Virgo. Pioneering towards mutually beneficial relationships is your forte for the Celtic tree month. Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): The Full Moon starts on Friday and then moves into your sign a couple of hours later. In the Storm Moon, the tides rise higher, flushing with the tilt of Earth and the pull of Moon. Like a ship’s mate upon the sea, you will find yourself in the position of walking the plank, but with your ability for balanced acumen, you will talk yourself back into your position on board. Enjoying these feelings of negotiation will serve you well in your relationships during this stormy period and in the end, you will become Captain. Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): ‘The low man on the totem pole,’ is depicted as someone who is not of that much importance, but Scorpio, the base of anything worthwhile is the most important. If you are not feeling appreciated, know that you are key to whatever operation in which you participate. It’s all right to groan out loud if the weight overwhelms. Yell if you have to. Be noticed for your contribution. Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) As Spring slings in, memorize what John Keats said, “The poetry of the earth is never dead.” Center yourself in the realm, go outside. Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): I consider the appearance timing of Gigantopithecus, an extinct branch of hominids, to be off. These giants should have evolved during the time of the dinosaurs, mainly to tame them. I imagine T-rex domesticated by these creatures; what a sight! Consider your timing of birth Capricorn. Aquarius ( Jan. 20-Feb.18): Draw water on Sunday for blessing your plants and then, let it sit in the rays of the Full Moon. Use it for watering your newly planted herbs or other seeds as an added blessing for the promise of a bountiful harvest. Consider this act to be a sacred marriage or hierogamy as well as a sanctified conception.

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Albany’s #1 Smoke Shop!

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Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): For ten centuries, indigenous Mayan people in Central America look to the setting Sun on this Equinox at the great pyramid called El Castillo. In the shadows of the pyramid, a diamond-back snake in descent appears. Pisces, this time, “The Return of the Sun Serpent,” marks your special familiarity for those with alternative modes of transportation and apparitional appearances. Aries (March 21-April 19): Sun enters your sign on Sunday, March 20, as the Spring Equinox begins the astrological calendar. Rites abound. My personal one is to search out newly risen chives, slap them on a tuna fish sandwich, and relish one of the first harvests of Spring while giving thanks to my oniony munch. As a purifier, chives serve to filter out winter blues and the longing for sunshine. Purify your mind and body Aries in recognition of this New Year. Happy birthday. Taurus (April 20-May 20): Ostara— Spring season, is in full swing before Easter. Ever wonder why Easter dates move about? Easter falls on the first Sunday, after the first Full Moon that happens after Spring Equinox. Taurus, a radiant dawning awaits you on this cusp equaling a full knowledge of something very important to you. Gemini (May 21-June 20): Mad as a March hare—hmm. Hares spotted jumping up and down, boxing, and running around the bush in their mating frenzy begins now and lasts long into spring. Casting aside any doubt as to what their purpose may be, they seek satisfaction. You, Gemini, will be of this state of mind as Spring fever kicks in, lasting for a few months as you follow your instincts. Use your hairy gut to lead you. Cancer ( June 21-July 22): Sing an ode to the rabbits, more than ‘Little Rabbit Foo Foo,’ as the Vernal Equinox passes into being. Rabbits have the ability to become pregnant while they are already pregnant. Keep in mind the words of John Steinbeck who said, “Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen.” This reflects your world for the week Cancer. 14

• MARCH 15, 2011 • WWW.TH E A LC H E M I S T WE E KLY. CO M

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732 Park St • Lebanon,OR Open Mon - Sat • 11 am - 6 pm • 541.258.3139

1907 Pacific Blvd SE • Albany,OR Open 7 days a week • 11 am - 8 pm • 541.981.2364 • myspace.com/albanypipeline

honey

lets go out

Albany

Albany Civic Theater

111 First Ave. SW 541.928.4603

Corvallis

Aqua Seafood Restaurant & Bar

Alleyoop Lounge

151 NW Monroe Ave. 541.752.0262

Bogey’s Bar & Grill

The Beanery on 2nd

901 Pacific Blvd 541.941.0977 129 W 1st Ave. 541.929.8900

Calapooia Brewing

140 Hill St. NE 541.928.1931

Cappies Brewhouse

211 1st Ave W 541.926.1710

Cascade Grill

110 Opal St. NW 541.926.3388

Chasers Bar & Grill

500 SW 2nd St 541.753.7442

Big River Restaurant & Bar 101 NW Jackson Ave. 541.757.0694

Block 15

300 SW Jefferson Ave. 541.758.2077

Bombs Away Café

435 SE 2nd Ave 541928.9634

2527 NW Monroe Ave. 541.757.7221

Dixie Creek Saloon

China Delight Restaurant

32994 Hwy 99E, Tangent, OR 541.926.2767

Favorite Mistake Sports Bar

325 NW 2nd St. 541.753.3753

Clodfelter’s

1501 NW Monroe Ave. 541.758.4452

5420 Pacific Blvd. 541.903.0034

Cloud 9

Front Street Bar

Crowbar

2300 Northeast Front Ave. 541.926.2739

GameTime Sports Bar & Grill 2211 Waverly Dr. SE 541.981.2376

Humpty’s Dump Bar & Grill

126 SW 1st St. 541.753.9900 214 SW 2nd St. 541.753.7373

Enoteca Wine Bar

Lariat Lounge

Fireworks Restaurant & Bar

130 SW 1st St. 541.753.9900 136 SW Washington Ave. 541.758.9095

1115 SE 3rd 541.754.6958

Linger Longer Tavern

Flat Tail Pub

145 SW Main St. 541.926.2174

202 SW 1st St. 541.758.2219

Lucky Larrys Lounge

Greenberry Store & Tavern

Riley’s Billiards Bar & Grill 124 Broadalbin St SW 541.926.2838

Wilhelm’s Spirits & Eatery 1520 Pacific Blvd SE 541.926.7001

29974 HWY 99W 541.752.3796

Harrison Bar & Grill 550 NW Harrison Blvd. 541.754.1017

Impulse

1425 NW Monroe Ave. 541.230.1114

La Bamba Mix Night Club

126 SW 4th St. 541.207.3593

Luc

134 SW 4th St. 541.753.4171

Make a difference in your community and have a great dinner!

Peacock Bar & Grill

125 SW 2nd St. 541.754.8522

Squirrel’s

100 SW 2nd St. 541.753.8057

Sunnyside Up Café

116 NW 3rd St 541.758.3353

When: Tuesday, March 22, 2011 5:30-7:00 pm Where: Church of the Good Samaritan (35th & Harrison, Corvallis)

Suds & Suds

Cost: Adult: $10-$20 (sliding scale) Child: $5 (12 and under)

Troubadour

Tickets and additional information: www.cardvservices.org or

1045 NW Kings Blvd. 541.758.5200 521 SW 2nd St. 541.752.7720

Tyee Wine Cellars 26335 Greenberry Rd. 541.753.8754

Wanted Saloon 140 NW 3rd St.

WineStyles

2333 N.W. Kings Blvd. 541.738.9463

CARDV Admin. Office: 4786 SW Philomath Blvd, Corvallis Questions? Want to help with the event? Call (541) 758-0219 ext. 301

Thursday, Mar 17th

St. Patty’s w/ The McGs! and 2Towns Ciderhouse

Saturday, Mar 19th

Joe Freuen Sextet

Sunday, Mar 20th

Blues Jam 140 NE Hill St Albany, OR 541.928.1931

Lebanon

Cornerstone Café & Pub

136 SW Washington Ave, Ste. 102 - 541.753.2222

JP’s Restaurant & Lounge

1296 S Commercial Way SE 541.928.3654

1030 S.W. Third St. 541.757.2727

DEL Alma

Downward Dog

901 Pacific Blvd SE 541.928.2606

Papa’s Pizza

Artisian’s Well Lounge

2200 NW 9th St. 541.752.6364

CARDV’s 8th Annual Spaghetti Dinner

2740 SW 3rd St. 541.738. 7600

Darrell’s Restaurant & Lounge

916 Old Salem Rd NE 541.926.3111

220 2nd Ave. 541.926.5546

Murphy’s Tavern

You are invited!

2250 South Main Rd. 541.451.3900

180 S 5th St. 541.847.6262

Duffy’s Irish Pub 679 South Main St. 541.259.2906

Fire Pit Lounge

2230 South Santiam Hwy 541.451.2010

GameTime Sports Bar & Grill

3130 South Santiam Hwy 541.570.1537

Merlin’s Bar & Grill 541.258.6205

Peacock Bar & Grill East

76 E. Sherman St. 541.451.2027

Sports Shack & Deli

1250 Grant St. 541.259.0800

Philomath

High 5 Sports Bar & Grill 1644 Main St.-541.929.7529

Meet’n Place Tavern

1150 Mian St. 541.929.3130

Wine Vault

www [dot] thealchemistweekly [dot] com

1301 Main St. 541.929.8496

Wing Sing Restaurant & Lounge 658 Main St. 541.929.6255

WWW.THEALCHEMI ST WEEKLY.COM • MARCH 15, 2011 •

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