The Alchemist Weekly by The Alchemist Weekly

Our first MAGIC EYE cover: Stare at it long enough and you’ll see two people sharing a moment of affection for each other.

WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM • VOLUME 4 NUMBER 178:47 • MAY 31, 2011

CORVALLIS VANITIES

Albany ● Corvallis ● Lebanon ● Philomath VOLUME 4 NUMBER 178:47 ● MAY 31, 2011

VOICE

Opinions and Editorials, be they ours or yours, this is where they be.

4 | TAW makes an announcement

VERDICT

We’ll be the judge, you be the jury...

4 | Bookworm

L I T E R AT I

This is the home for local fiction, poetry and prose.

5 | Contributed poems

WORD

Journalists call them features; we say it’s the word.

6 | The Corvallis Friends of Dorothy 14 | Battle of the Bands!!

Editorial Editor: Courtney Clenney Staff Writers: Courtney Clenney, Noah Stroup, Stanley Tollett Bump Editor: Noah Stroup Contributors: Compere, Jimbo Ivy, Jonathan Swerdlick, Linda Swaney, Michael Thomas, Justin Groft, CS Art Art Tag Team: Ney Ney/So Stro Layout Tag Team Coco/Nono Cover Photo by Jesse Beam Advertising Director of Marketing Stanley Tollett Account Executive Noah Stroup Business Publisher Noah Stroup The Alchemist Weekly is published by: CorvAlcheMedia LLC PO Box 1591 Corvallis, OR 97339 541.224.6873 Alchemist Mission

BUMP

It’s the calendar of all things Albany, Corvallis, Lebanon, and Philomath.

8 | Alchy Picks

FUN BITS

As if your smart phone wasn’t distracting enough.

11 | Crossword and Sudoku 13 | Weekly Horoscope

As a publication, our goal is to facilitate greater understanding and appreciation for the diverse social and cultural groups found in the area. In doing so, we hope to create a greater sense of community between Oregon State University and Corvallis, between Albany and Corvallis, and between Philomath, Lebanon and Corvallis/Albany. The Alchemist recognizes the various interests of these groups and is dedicated to being as fluid as the community it serves. *The Alchemist is available to you for free. Please limit yourself to one copy. If your picture is in it, you are welcome to take enough copies for your family.

PREVIOUS ISSUES: Subject to availability, back issues can be purchased by mail for $5. Send your request with specific issue date to PO Box 1591, Corvallis, OR 97339 and include a check or money order payable to The Alchemist Weekly.

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@thealchemistweekly.com

The thoughts, views, and opinions expressed in Voice are of their authors and do not necessarily represent the thoughts, views, or opinions of CorvAlcheMedia, LLC.

Last week's puzzle solutions

letters news submissions editor calendar ads

The Alchemist Weekly welcomes coherent freelance submissions.

WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM • MAY 31, 2011 • 3

THE END.... Dearest Readers, It has come through careful deliberation and much soul searching that we at The Alchemist Weekly have decided to make July 12th the last issue of The Alchemist. We have survived this long only through the sincere dedication of the Readers and local business owners who supported us for 3 and a half years. We’ve learned a lot about this town and hope that our efforts have shown that there is an alternative voice in this community that needs to be represented. Unfortunately, that voice will no longer be amplified by The Alchemist Weekly. Thank you you for everything you’ve done. Sincerely, Courtney, Noah and Stanley

JACKSON STREET YOUTH SHELTER NOW HIRING! We are looking for: Part Time Overnight Case Worker This person would get paid between $9/hr to $10.25/hr working shifts 12a-8a Friday-Sunday. Part Time Case Worker This person would get paid between $8.50/hr to $9.50/hr and will be working 2-3 permanent 8 hour shifts per week. On-Call Case Worker This person would get paid between $8.50/hr to $9/hr and will need to cover shifts. The wage will be determined on education, experience, and your commitment to JSYSI and the Corvallis Community. To apply please do a resume, cover letter, have at least 3 references or reference letters, and copies of your current First Aid/CPR/Food Handlers certifications. The application can be sent by email or you can hand it in, in person. Please contact KendraSue Phillips-Neal, Shelter Director @ sheltermanager@jsysi.org or 541-754-2404

Bookworm

VERDICT

by MICHAEL THOMAS

Suttree (1979), written by: Cormac McCarthy

t took Cormac McCarthy twenty years to write Suttree (1979) and by the time it was published, McCarthy already had three other books in print. Because Suttree is the conflation of two decades of writing, it is possible for the reader to follow its textual life cycle and note the changes taking place along the way—from the writing’s genesis, through mimicry and allusion, to other works in its tradition, onto its own inimitability. The work, which shares tenuous similarities to McCarthy’s own early adulthood, begins with an anonymous address relating the horrors and destitution of the story’s scene—the McAnally Flats of Knoxville, Tenn. It begins: “Dear friend now in the dusty clockless hours of the town when the streets lie black and steaming in the wake of watertrucks and now when the drunk and homeless have washed up in the lee of walls in alleys or abandoned lots and cats go forth highshouldered and lean in the grim perimeters about, now in these sootblacked brick or cobbled corridors where lightwire shadows make a gothic harp of cellar doors no soul shall walk save you.”

Presented in the opening paragraph are the figures of time, death, and water; these motifs appear throughout and saturate the text whose protagonist is a man of privilege who has abandoned his family’s wealth and is living as a fisherman on the river. Stylistically, the writing is very dense in some places—“…ruined household artifacts that rear from the fecal mire of the flats like landmarks in the trackless vales of dementia praecox,”— and sparse in others—“The man turned. His clothing was ripped and the shreds of his shirtfront lifted about him like confetti in the breeze and he was covered with blood.” Suttree is a demanding read, but a very rewarding one. There is more here than meets the eye. Buried in its pages are references to Irish mythology, animal symbolism, Buddhism, the flaws of patriarchy, etc. The academics who study its pages frequently cite Twain’s Adventures of Huckleberry Finn (1884) and Joyce’s Ulysses (1922) as comparable texts. Like McCarthy’s other works, Suttree is desolate, dark, and a little perverse, but it is also the funniest of his books. It is the book’s humor and its author’s talent for beautiful, matchless prose that keeps Suttree in the minds of its readers and makes the numbered adventures of its protagonist and the

4 • MAY 31, 2011 • WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM

book’s many characters an arresting reality to return to. I’ve returned to Suttree three times as of this writing and I plan on reading it again before the year is out. It is the fourth or fifth greatest book I’ve ever read. All of McCarthy’s books are worth your time. For now, I will suggest four others: Outer Dark (1968), All the Pretty Horses (1992), the Crossing (1994), and Cities of the Plain (1998).

Thursday, June 2nd

Rusty Hinges Saturday, June 4th

The Kindreds Sunday, June 5th

Blues Jam 140 NE Hill St Albany, OR 541.928.1931

Battle of the Bands

June 3rd Memorial Union Quad

Jared Mees & The Grown Children *Not competing

4:30 pm Ambush Party 5:30 pm

Radion

6:00 pm The Flailing Inhalers 6:30 pm Of Saints and Shadows 7:00 pm

Mr.K2

7:30 pm Pluto My Planet 8:00 pm Loaded for Bear

8:30 pm

Blue Ember

9:00 pm

Audiophilia 9:30 pm

mötae

10:00 pm

Flat Tail Festival Battle of Bands Winner

5:30 pm

Target for Tomorrow and the Horns of Destruction

6:00 pm The Nautics 7:00 pm

doo doo funk all-stars

8:00 pm

gold motel

9:00 pm

Accomodations for disabilities may be made by calling 541-737-6872

June 4th

2011

OK Go! 10:00 pm

LITERATI For Many Reasons I Would Hear Your Voice, For One Would I You Heard Mine by: Jonathan Swerdlick There is a desert was a sea and the green sea where a waste was. Transformations ecumenical, unnumbered, change restless and nameless we in our lives cipher sand and water Transmutations our word—the perished synapse risen on the voice. The thought cast in ink perils secret portals splitting seconds, hidden hemispheres —we are the border of two places related as the dune and the wave are by the wind; clay sculpted between the hand of reasons and the hand of passions, by the hands that collect yesterday and so grant the promise of days to come Hands shine when they meet in the holding, simultaneously in touch casting the shadow of the prodigal imperfection of what we reckon, rediscover or sense, strive with or speak against

Purity by: Linda Swaney Snow free falls and kisses unexpected ground Wind blown interludes create a hush of sound Laden branches bend beneath the cold of light Waiting in submission for one deepening night White carpet wonderland laid out for us to walk Illustrious sheen reflecting as we connect to talk Shivers in imagery our memory records the day Marrow smooth as fossil photographs this stay Microdot impressions more than b&w could be Frame store renditions which only we can see Ask anyone to interpret their visual field in ice Contingent feelings shifting like the roll of dice Snow cone icicles shatter upon a chilling door Reality altered as breaking slivers hit the floor Thaw draws us out of our internal frozen state Silent liquid purity as immersed in crater lake WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM • MAY 31, 2011 • 5

WORD

by Noah Stroup

The Culture of Corvallis

you want to go back into the closet to have to do it again?” The process of coming out has different stages for a lot of people. William McKnight originally from Manhattan, NYC, now in his 50s, has seen a different reaction to moving to a new town. “[Gay men] shoved so much down their entire lives when they are finally free of their families and loved ones and people who know them the best and they get into an environment where they can truly be themselves, they act ridiculously. They’ll go through stages because they haven’t been allowed to.” Willie’s statement may resonate with some and suggests that if men are going back into the closet, Corvallis might not be an environment where they are comfortable. All of the men interviewed agreed that Corvallis lacked a strong male gay community and acknowledge that a lot of the gay population is still in the closet. Kyle projected the number of closeted men to make up 80% of the campus’ gay community. He has had several experiences with closeted men who are turned off by his own openness and acceptance of self. “I went on a date with this guy…somewhere totally random in Albany. He was talking to me about it. ‘I’m not out. I’m not really comfortable being out in public with a gay man, so if you could just pretend. Not be doing what you’ve been doing this whole time and calm down.’” In an act of self-respect, Kyle paid for his food, called off the date and left. “I’ve had to do that a couple times.” Willie validates the concern over what other people think as it becomes part of being a gay man. “I’m a 51-year-old man and I’m still monitoring myself. That’s a real difficult thing.” He admits, though, that part of the behavior is his upbringing. “I’m Irish-Catholic and that’s the way I was born from first generation parents, so no matter whose presence I’m in I’m monitoring depending on what they can handle and depending on what their energy level is.”

If you’ve been reading The Alchemist Weekly’s Symposium section, you’ve noticed a clear theme that has threaded them since OSU was visited by nationally known sex-columnist Dan Savage. Savage is a very openly gay man who has dedicated his life to increasing the visibility of the gay population. He has done this through his syndicated column, making campus appearances all over the country, and being a guest on nationally broadcast television shows. Most importantly he has been able to reach beyond the grasp of homophobic school boards and parents with his compassionate campaign “It Gets Better.” His goal is to reach young gay men and women to share that no matter the hardships that they are experiencing in life, everything does get better. The most striking thing about watching the videos on the website is that regardless of who you are physically attracted to there is a common sense of empathy that can be reached. We have all been picked on, made fun of, or been on the outside of a group at one point in our lives. Some of us were bullies, while others were bullied. Regardless, we stood at a distance and somehow felt different. For most minority groups, they are born being different. Fortunately, life isn’t defined by these isolated incidents of bullying, but by how we learn and grow from them. It’s what we do after that allow things to get better. During his talk, there were questions about the culture of Corvallis and the comfort level of the gay community. It was implied that things are difficult enough that some men prefer to go “back into the closet” once they arrive in Corvallis. Kyle Nys, a 20-year-old college student who you may remember from our LGBT story in October, doesn’t think that makes sense. “I don’t understand why you’d go through all of the trouble to come out and accept who you are and have other people accept who you are. It’s such a huge process. Why would 6 • MAY 31, 2011 • WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM

Though he isn’t willing to let the Corvallis community completely off the hook. “Here I am [at] 50 and I want to say what I want to say. I want to do what I want to do. I can do all those things, but not in Corvallis.” The divided perspective between the younger and older population seems to be defined by where their circle of friends starts. For those in college, Oregon State University provides a more protected environment and resources like the PRIDE Center and the Rainbow Continuum. Louis Chavez, a student at OSU for only one term in the fall of 2010, says that even with those resources it can be hard to bring people together. “It’s definitely an insular thing in Corvallis and any other small town. It’s not always easy for people to get connected. It’s not like a lot of people even want to get connected. What may be a common misunderstanding of a lot of minority groups is that it’s not necessarily the case that what defines the minority is enough to unite them.. “There are things about gay communities that I’ve been in that are off putting. I’m into punk music and it’s like, if you’re not into Top 40 and Lady Gaga then you’re kind of shunned,” Louis explained. Willie echoed this sentiment. “It’s like getting black people from everywhere in the world and putting them in a room together because they haven’t seen a black person in awhile. Just because they’re black doesn’t mean their going to have the same values and views.” Sharing a common sense of physical attraction doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll actually like the people in your group. This is something unique to the human experience, not sexuality. This would explain why a gayfriendly city is more defined by an overall gay population than by whether the straight community is accepting. More people means more opportunity to find friends. Besides lack of population, what else limits Corvallis? Louis might have a place to argue that efforts to be political correct even within the gay community impede change. Before leaving for Portland, he was inspired to start an electronic “queercore” band called NO/HO/MO. “The show we did in Corvallis was at Interzone and everyone was really sweet. Though, that was the only show I’ve done in five or six months where somebody got upset about the name. There was a phone call from a lesbian and she was upset [they] were promoting something called NO/HO/MO. I guess [she] didn’t really look into it.” Louis continued, “The name is in jest and sort of a reclamation of ‘No Homo.’ The [homophobic] phrase that people say when they do something gay and they say, ‘No homo.’ I often tell people that it means no homosexual surrender.” As a younger generation attempts to gain more traction by making an effort to be more visible, the quieter community members may have their own reservations about the efforts. Like any struggle for a minority group, the history has left bruises, scars, and even gravestones. “These young fellows I think just nothing really bad has happened yet. To me, [it took] 40-something years before somebody bashed me. It’ll happen in every gay person’s

life. Maybe not as intense or devastating,” cautions McKnight. Being a university town, Corvallis regularly deals with an uncompromising student population who could care less what impact it has on the community during their 9 months of class. It’s an unfortunate circumstance, but it’s part of living here. So, how do we make a positive impact on minority groups to increase their comfort in Corvallis? McKnight says, “I have no right to say how things should be because I didn’t move here for that.” He instead encourages gay men to take matters into their own hands to build a more comfortable environment and for the straight community to back them up 100%. It such a modest request that you’d think it would be simple, but it’ll take work on everyone’s part to root out elements of homophobia in the community and our own minds. Let’s hope this is a step in the right direction.

Truthiness in Parable : A Mini Symposium

Jesus Christ was the greatest gay activist in the history of time. He loved a man-like figure to the depths of his soul. He accepted himself for who he truly was and walked around telling everyone about it. His disciples loved him for it. They followed to hear him talk about his deep understanding of self, the concepts of love and forgiveness. People risked everything to proclaim to the world that they too loved this man for what he stood for: the acceptance of self. There were no lines of discrimination drawn by Jesus Christ. How could he? He too was being discriminated by the Romans. Born a Jew and proclaiming to love himself more than the Emperor, Jesus risked it all for his cause to prove that self-worth was more valuable than allegiance and compliance. He emboldened the community by suggesting that they ‘go the extra mile’ and ‘turn the other cheek.’ These were just subtle opportunities of civil disobedience that forced the oppressor to evaluate his own behavior and he was finally killed for it. Not because he was the Son of God, but because he made love more important than obedience. He suggested to his followers that the Kingdom of Heaven was within their grasp. If they could accept Jesus Christ, a gay lover, into their heart, they too would prove themselves worthy. If they could validate and recognize a man who walked against the grain, who stood up to his oppressors, then they too had truly accepted and validated their own human experience. By a simple act of submission to love one another no matter the cost, his followers could set their hearts free. Jesus Christ showed the men and women alike unconditional love, which means love without condition. Some say we will all be judged at the gates. Fortunately, we are the gatekeepers. We hold the key. Though it may not be until we are on our deathbed that we finally understand the question, the only thing that will matter and the only thing that we will remember is whether or not we truly expressed unconditional love for and accepted unconditional love from another.

Photo by Jesse Beam

WORD one of the largest lesbian per capita ratios in the whole country. I definitely read it [somewhere.] D: I’ve only heard it. Based on what you’ve seen, would you agree? T: Yes. D: Yes. Does that make it hard to be a gay man in Corvallis? T: It doesn’t make it hard to be a gay man in Corvallis, but I definitely don’t see very many gay men around. How long have you two been seeing each other? D: A million years. T: Since August You met each other at OSU? D: Nope. Online.

Q&A during the Shoot The Models: Thomas Dieter - 26 Dylan Geil - 23 Why are you doing this? T: Because you asked. Just kidding. D: We’re both active in the queer community in Corvallis. T: We’re in favor of queer visibility.

In Corvallis? T: No. I will say that I’m from North Carolina and Texas. Those are pretty conservative places, but I’ve only been called a faggot in Corvallis. D: The only time I’ve ever experienced being called a faggot was in California. Fresno, but it’s a very conservative town. I think I was wearing short shorts…maybe a booty shirt. [To Thomas’ comment] That’s telling. T: I don’t think it’s really telling. It was a homeless dude. He was drunk and I was looking particularly fabulous that day. It was when I first moved here. That was not a good start. T: No. I was like, ‘I heard that this place was going to be a liberal heaven.’ So you heard that Corvallis was more liberal? T: I heard that Oregon is more liberal than Texas and North Carolina. I heard that Corvallis is pretty conservative. D: I’ve known Corvallis to be the retired lesbian haven. T: When I was scouting this place for what the queer scene was like, it’s apparently

Was your coming out experience difficult? What was your family’s reaction? D: It depends on whom you are talking about and at what time. My parent’s [initial] reaction was not positive. My brother and sister were very supportive. [On the climate of Corvallis] T: I would say that, like no other place I’ve lived in, people are pretty comfortable. I’m not close friends with a lot of undergraduates or communities that are more stereotypically homophobic, but the people that I do know, it’s a non-issue. They are very cool with it. D: We haven’t run into many problems in Corvallis I don’t feel. At this point, the photo shoot began. Thomas and Dylan enjoyed a few public displays of affection for each other. Passerby in Truck: If you only knew how gross that was and it’s not because it’s two guys. If I saw a guy and a girl doing that I’d say the same thing. T: PDA! WOOOO! [Laughing about it] T: On the way here, I was actually hoping someone would drive by and scream, ‘HOMO!’ D: As we’re like, ‘We haven’t had any problems in Corvallis. We’ve been fine. This great!’

The photo shoot concluded and we went separate ways. 10 minutes later Thomas called and left this voicemail message. T: We were walking home. It’s possible that Dylan and I have never held hands or walked arm in arm in Corvallis before. So we’re walking back, and we were on Monroe, and we were passing where all the busses go. And this woman walked up to us saying, ‘Fellas. Fellas.’ I turned around. I didn’t know her. Dylan didn’t know her. She asked, ‘Are you guys a couple?’ and obviously we said yes. And she said, ‘Well I just wanted you to know homosexuality….’ She had this smile on her face and I thought she was gonna be like, ‘You guys are awesome!’ [Instead] she was like ‘You will not inherit the kingdom of heaven…unless you change your lustful ways and repent and ask for God’s forgiveness’ We just thought we’d let you know that we’re two for two.

NO/HO/MO Rocks the House in 9 min, 44 sec What is a house party, but a collection of drug-filled purses and kids wearing sunglasses indoors after midnight in a futile attempt to appear cool while concealing kicked-in windows to the soul. It’s small rooms filled with the smell of sweat and perfumed flesh, stale beer and standing room only, once-ina-lifetime performances by musicians who are having as much fun, if not more, than the partygoers themselves.

mer says, pulling in the crowd at the introduction of his performance. He then asks if anyone else is gay, and encourages those who clapped and cheered to, “Tell all your friends that you’re f**king gay.” Perhaps a jest, but it was just as likely an encouragement to a closeted audience member to come out. When the music starts, the crowd obliging swarms in on the drummer as though he were a schoolyard dust up. The show builds rapidly to a climax with two men in ass-less chaps and leather passionately kissing in a montage of homoerotic images projected on the screen behind the drummer. An African-American gentleman pours what appears to be milk down his bare chest, and the crowd reacts with whoops, clapping and loud cheers. With the beat transformed by a demonic howl, the action shifts to a grungy bass line, signaling the beginning of the end of the multimedia experience. As the backbeat loops, a pair of men, one of whom is wearing some kind of giant poodle mask, pose and frolic. Punctuated by sparse clapping and whistling, the exhausted musician’s set ends with an equally exhausted crowd, drained from all the clapping, howling and screaming that took place during the performance. Some might argue that this video accomplished more in nine minutes than the Westboro Baptist Church has in nearly two decades of rabid anti-gay activism. They might also say this video is a derangement of the homosexual ideal, a reckless promotion of the backward view of gay men as seedy, hyper-sexualized deviants prone to dressing like mustachioed bikers from the 1970s, but I think it’s a triumph. Not only in terms of gaining traction by branding homosexuality as cool, but also in terms of pioneering a lo-fi version of the interactive/multimedia entertainment potential. Multimedia performances rarely touch on social controversy

From Youube, obviously

Have you had an experience of showing affection and people getting weird about it? T: No. Not with this guy. Not with any guy. D: No.

Did you try not using the internet to find somebody? T: I was the community outreach coordinator last year at the PRIDE Center. I put myself out there, for sure, and actually a lot of the closet cases came out of the woodwork and were interested in dating me, but I don’t date closet cases. D: When I started going online, I got lots of people from Corvallis, like freshman and sophomore OSU students, [who] would say that they weren’t out but they’d still want a relationship. I think it’s a natural step in their coming out process, maybe. [They are saying] ‘I’m identifying myself as gay, but I’m not ready to publicly identify myself as gay.’ T: I encourage them along that path by saying, ‘You’re not going to be able to date people like me until you are out of the closet.”

D: It would have been funny to see if there had been a heterosexual couple kissing, if he would have stopped and said it.

Captured on a dark and shaky nine-minute clip is a performance by NO/HO/MO, a solo drumming act, playing along with an evolving electronica mix and projected images of erotica. Screams of excitement, encouragement and enthusiasm erupt from an undulating crowd. The music is what you might expect from your basic electronic mix up, but the ropelight entangled trap kit and overblown gesticulations of the drummer give the feel of an effortless avant-garde breakthrough. “Come in close, shake that ass!” the drum-

and whenever entertainment mixes it up with politics and challenges cultural norms I take notice. If stripped down shows like this take off, I would liken it to the first rumblings of the shift that occurred when gigantic stadium rockers like Metallica and Guns N’ Roses where toppled overnight by groups that played distortion heavy power chords till they passed out at house parties in the clothing they showed up in. See for yourself - www.nohomosexualsurrender.com ~ Stanley Tollett WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM • MAY 31, 2011 • 7

ALCHY PICKS

[week of May 31st]

Saturday | June 4th | 10:00 pm Bombs Away Cafe WHY, WHY WOULDN’T YOU GO

[PUNK]

Friday | June 3rd | 6:30 pm | ALL AGES!

The Wobblies Interzone Cafe

Friday | June 3rd | 6:30 pm Interzone Cafe VIVA LA BAAM

photo by Katie D

This Friday June 3, the Benton All Ages Music (BAAM) Project presents The Wobblies, My Parade (WA), and Agatha (WA) at Interzone Café. These three overtly political punk rock bands, representing sounds ranging from slinky dance punk to blistering queercore, begin their sonic assault at 6:30 pm. There is a $3 cover. My Parade and Agatha are on tour together from Seattle, WA. My Parade is a self-described “all Person of Color punk rock dance party,” and they groove just as well as they rock. Clean and punchy bass intertwines with pitch-perfect new wave guitar, while the drums send your limbs flying. “They just, they just want to kill us all!” they sing on “Las Casitas,” a paranoid mix of Bauhaus gloom and disco that infects you with a fever. Agatha is one hell of band, playing early 90s style Riot Grrrl hardcore with unexpected, Huggy Bear-esque atonal fits bursting throughout their discography. This brash and eclectic sounding band is anchored by enraged, yet hopeful lyrics with a focus on personal rights. Their EP Nothing Is Static is available for streaming at rumbletowne.com. Local rabble-rousers The Wobblies have been laying out crowds for close to a decade now. They play straight forward anthems that are brutally honest about the state of the good old US of A, cataloguing workers’ rights abuses and the irresponsibleness of our current wars. Their shows 8 • MAY 31, 2011 • WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM

are frenetic and quickly over, often blasting through their sets with little rest beyond naming the causes of their discontent between songs. The Wobblies are due to release their fifth full length album this year. The BAAM Project was created in May of 2011 with the goal of establishing a dedicated all ages venue in Corvallis. Until they are able to get their own space, they will be sponsoring various all ages events around Corvallis in cooperation with local businesses. For more information about the Project, check out baamproject.org. ~Justin Groft

Most people think of Nickleback when they hear the term Canadian Rock. But beyond that pebble of repetitious mediocrity towers a stony megalith that pierces the clouds with it’s craggy girth of timeless Rock. That snow capped mountain of synthesizers and countless roto-toms is called Rush. And it’s been there since most of you were still hiding copies of the Sears Roebuck lingerie section under your mattress. In their time as a band, Rush has accumulated 14 platinum records. They are behind only The Beatles and The Rolling Stones in the most consecutive gold or platinum studio albums by a rock band... thank you Wikipedia! Why, I ask, has this band not been in my mind space? The reason may be that Rush aficionados typically tend to be musicians themselves. They are a musician’s band known for their experimentation, longevity and extremely intricate musicianship. It could also be the long standing and often overlooked subtle prejudice towards all things Canadian. In an attempt to remedy this extreme lack of respect and understanding and mount the precipice of great stony girth that is Rush, a select team of worthy locals has launched an expedition. They have

[TRIBUTE TO RUSH]

Saturday | June 4th | 10:00 pm

Why Why Zed

Bombs Away Cafe

dubbed themselves Why Why Zed, and were chosen carefully for their expertise in various aspects of Rock. Paul Kincaid, a guitar builder and subdued extremist was chosen for his intimate knowledge of the tools and nuances of the gear the team will be using on their journey. He also sings, which requires a secret combination of tinctures and custom made clothing, and a mullet wig. He also plays a one of kind, some say magical, doubled sided guitar/bass that can only be utilized by the builder himself. JD Monroe, a brazen and some say crazed drummer of extreme dexterity and speed, slightly older and with a sacred disposition when behind the kit was chosen for his ability to own his space completely when delivering unbelievably intricate drum fills. He also purchased extra ammunition, and drums, for the expedition. The keyboardist, Dave Trenkel, a genuine legend in some circles or the local musical community, was chosen for his ability to encase himself in keyboards and synthesizers. The man literally constructs a closed circuit of musical potential and then crawls inside the cage of sound to do battle with the forces that exist inside his own mind. Some say he was born with fingers that perfectly slide in between black and white keys, molding themselves like gecko toes to the instrument. The final member of the expedition is a guitarist, they say his name is Tyler Nitzke. He was chosen for his extreme obscurity. The fact is, no one really knows who this person is or if he’s really a person at all. On mysterious and extremely dangerous expeditions like this one, it’s important to just choose someone at random. The team allows God or the fortune of chance to select the final component, knowing that there will be obstacles that cannot be foreseen. They place their lives in the hand of faith, leaving it to the divine God of Rock to plan for the unknowns. So come join with the township to see off these local heroes into the dark and frozen tundra of the Canadian wilderness as they attempt to ascend the jagged and intricate path that can only end two ways. One path leads to eternal immortality as local Rock heroes and champions of the sound. The other, a certain fall to death and a lifetime of ridicule and besmirched pride. Find out their fate on June 4th, 10 pm. at Bombs Away Cafe in Corvallis. It will cost you six dollars. ~ Stanley Tollett

Thursday - Sunday | ALL DAY Lebanon WE PREFER SNOSBERRIES, J/K!

“Doubtless God could have made a better berry, but doubtless God never did.” - Dr William Butler, 17th century English writer There is nothing that more clearly defines the pride and tradition inherent in the term Americana than a small town festival, and Lebanon’s annual Strawberry Festival is guaranteed to not disappoint lovers of this time-honored American tradition. Since 1909, the Lebanon community has saluted the abundant strawberry fields of the Willamette Valley with family-friendly activities and celebration of home town pride. From June 2nd to June 5th at the Cheadle Lake Regional Park in Lebanon, the 102nd Strawberry Festival will be brimming with all the usual festival accouterments. A grand parade will be held on Saturday at 11 a.m. with the theme “Strawberries in Paradise” featuring community floats and vehicles decked out with strawberry pride. The Junior Parade will occur on Friday at noon, featuring the bikes, trikes and wagons of young Strawberrians. A carnival ($20 tickets pre-sale or $25 onsite) will dazzle kids and kids at heart with rides and fun while an open air country fair will provide food, refreshment and crafts throughout. On Saturday at 10 a.m. the Strawberry Run/Walk will feature a one mile fitness walk, followed by a national certified 5k run. There will be live entertainment each day, featuring performances from J. Zerzan & the Brassierillionaires, the LHS Jazz Ensemble, the Jim & Allan Show, Show Motion, Fate 55, Cascade Performing Arts, with a Karaoke competition running throughout the festival. Of course, no display of American pageantry would be complete without the beautiful young women selected as the Strawberry Festival Court of Princesses, followed by a coronation crowning one of them the official Queen of the event (it’s already been decided, but I won’t spoil the suspense for you!). Add in “The World’s Largest Strawberry Shortcake” consisting of 514 cups of sugar, 224 cups of shortening, 192 cups of eggs, 992 cups of flour, 576 teaspoons of salt,

2048 teaspoons of baking powder, 448 cups of milk and 18 cups of vanilla which serves 15,000 people and you have a Strawberry festival to end all Strawberry Festivals! Fore more info, pricing, and details on all the wonderful activities you can find at the 102nd Lebanon Strawberry Festival, visit their website at (http://www.lebanonstrawberryfestival.info) or check them out on Facebook by searching for “Lebanon Strawberry Festival”. ~Jimbo Ivy

Saturday | June 4th | 1:00 - 10:00 pm | Central Park ADOPT-A-BAND, HAVE PURPOSE

When I shake my Magic Eight-Ball and ask it what will be happening in downtown Corvallis on June 4th, it tells me that “SIGNS POINT TO A TON OF AWESOME BANDS ROCKING OUT IN THE PARK.” Amazing! Somehow my Magic EightBall knows about the free, all-ages music festival that will occur in Central Park that day, between approximately 1 and 10 pm. It’ll feature a huge range of local acts, from newish bands you may not have heard yet to established local favorites, and will demonstrate beyond any doubt that residents of Corvallis and the surrounding area have devised a kaleidoscopic plethora of ways to rock. Nine bands are slated to play, in the following (tentative) order: Notions of Now, Lucky Strangers, Black Market Organ Drive, Tirade, WUPS, My Music Atlas, Mobius K., Inebriated Species and Lost Tortoise. So come on down and hear some fantastic free music. The festival’s going by the name “Adopt-A-Band”, so who knows, maybe you’ll find a charmingly scruffy band you’d like to adopt as your very own-whether you’re a local venue owner looking for talent, or just a concerned patron of the arts who’s willing to take a band home and make them a hot meal. On the other hand, you could just show up and rock out. ~CS

Call Sheri Dover (541) 602-6215

work

meet

learn

join

129 NW 4th Ave

Corvallis, OR 97330

WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM • MAY 31, 2011 • 9

tuesday31

THURSDAY CONTINUED

livemusic

Corvallis

CLOUD 9 ONE WUB with DJ Heartburn, 10:00 pm [DUBSTEP] OSU LASELLS STEWART CENTER OSU Concert Bands Spring Concert, 7:30 pm, $10 [CLASSICAL] SUNNYSIDE UP CAFÉ Celtic Jam, 7:00 pm, FREE [LISTEN/PLAY]

Corvallis

sing&dance

CLOUD 9 ONE WUB with DJ Heartburn, 10:00 pm [DUBSTEP] ELKS LODGE Beginner Line Dance 7:00 pm, $3 [DANCE] IMPULSE BAR Cuban Salsa 7:30 pm FREE [DANCE] PEACOCK BAR & GRILL Main Stage: Karaoke with Sqwig-e-okie, 9:00 pm, FREE [SING]

Lebanon

stuff

Albany

FIRST BURGER Dine for the Arts: Arts Center Benefit, 11:30 am – 2:00 pm and 5:00 pm – 8:00 pm [BENEFIT] LINN COUNTY EXPO Family Motor Coach Association Rally [RV]

Corvallis

CLOUD 9 Poetics: Open Poetry Reading, 8:00 pm [ POETRY TO YOUR EARS] DOWNTOWN CORVALLIS First Thursday Art Walk, 4:00 pm [ART WALK] ENOTECA WINE BAR Chocolate Truffle Thursdays, 6:00 pm, FREE [YUMMERS] FIRST ALT COOP NORTH BeerTasting, 5:00 pm [BEER ME] LIVE WELL STUDIO Free Teen Yoga by Reach Out Yoga, 4:00 pm, FREE [YOGA] OSU LASELLS STEWART OSU Merchant Expo, 9:30 am – 2:00 pm, FREE [EXPO] WINESTYLES Italia Wine Tasting, 5:30 pm, $7 [WINE ME]

Lebanon

MERLIN'S BAR & GRILL Karaoke, 9:00 pm [SING]

CHEADLE LAKE PARK 102nd Strawberry Festival [HOLY SHORTCAKE!] DOWNTOWN LEBANON Farmer’s Market, 3:00 pm – 7:00 pm [MARKET]

Halsey

WOODY'S BAR & GRILL “Terry-oke” Karaoke with Terry Geil, 9:00 pm, FREE [SING]

stuff

Corvallis

APPLEBEE'S National Trivia Association Night, 9:00 pm, FREE [TRIVIA] ENOTECA WINE BAR Girls night out! Knit night, 7:00 pm [SHE'S CRAFTY] HARRISON’S BAR AND GRILL Speed dating, 9:00 pm [MEET] OSU FAIRBANKS GALLERY OSU Graduating Seniors Art Exhibit, 6:30 pm [ART] WINESTYLES Spring Trivia League, 6:00 pm, $10 [TRIVIA]

friday03

Corvallis

livemusic

Tangent

BEANERY ON 2ND Van Meyers Duo, 8:00 pm, FREE [JAZZ] BELLE VALEE TASTING ROOM Nicasio Ralph, Beth Brown & The Acord Bros, 7:00 pm., FREE [ACOUSTIC] BOMBS AWAY CAFÉ The Flailing Inhalers Post-Battle Rattle, 10:00 pm, $3 [ROCK] FIREWORKS Mike McLaren, 8:00 pm [BLUES] INTERZONE The Wobblies, My Parade and Agatha, 6:30 pm, ALL AGES!, $3 [PUNK] OSU QUAD OSU Battle of the Bands, 4:30 – 10:30 pm, FREE [BATTLE ROYALE]

Lebanon

Albany

wednesday01

livemusic

Corvallis

FARMER’S MARKET Tom Houser, 9:30 am, FREE [BLUES] OSU LASELLS STEWART OSU Wind Ensemble “Let’s go to Japan!” $10 [CLASSICAL]

sing&dance

DIXIE CREEK SALOON Blues Jam with Wild Bill, 7:00 pm [BLUES] DOWNTOWN DOG Bluegrass Jam, 6:00 pm [BLUEGRASS]

Albany

RILEY'S BAR & GRILL Cutting Edge Production presents Ladies Night with Dj Tray, FREE [DANCE]

sing&dance

Corvallis

EAGLES LODGE Albany Senior Dance, 1:30 - 3:30 pm, $3 [DANCE]

Corvallis

APPLEBEE’S DJ Stoltz Dance Party, 9:00 pm, FREE [DANCE] PETER GYSEGEM’S STUDIO Argentine tango classes, 7:15 pm, $5 [DANCE] PEACOCK BAR & GRILL Main Stage: Karaoke, 9:00 pm, FREE [SING]; On the Top: Western Wed 9:00 pm, [DANCE]

[ACOUSTIC FOLK]

Lebanon

MERLIN'S BAR & GRILL Karaoke, 9:00 pm [SING]

Friday | June 3rd | 7:00 pm

The Acorn Brothers

stuff

Corvallis

CLOUD 9 Improv Comedy Theater, 9:00 pm [COMEDY] CORVALLIS HYDROPONICS Sunlight Supply, Inc Promo, 11:00 am – 5:00 pm [GREENHOUSE] ENOTECA WINE Capitello Winery Tasting, 7:00 pm, $10 [WINE-ER] FIRST STREET DOWNTOWN Corvallis Farmer’s Market, 9:00 am – 1:00 pm, FREE [MARKET]

Lebanon

COMMUNUTY SERVICES CONSORTIUM YouthBuild Mentor Orientation, 6:00 pm [MENTOR]

thursday02 Albany

Belle Valee Tasting Room

livemusic

CALAPOOIA BREWING Rusty Hinges, 7:30 pm, FREE [STRING-GRASS] LBCC PERFORMANCE CENTER LBCC Choir “Music Down in My Soul!” 7:30 pm [CHOIR]

CLOUD 9 Rainbow in the Clouds, 10:00 pm, $3 [COME OUT AND DANCE] CORVALLIS SENIOR CENTER Friday Night Dance by The Syncopators, 7:00 pm, $4 [DANCE] PEACOCK BAR & GRILL Main Stage: Karaoke, 9:00 pm [SING]; On the Top: DJ Heartburn, 9:00 pm [DANCE]

Lebanon

MERLIN'S BAR & GRILL Karaoke, 9:00 pm [SING]

Albany

LINN COUNTY EXPO Family Motor Coach Association Rally [RV]

Corvallis

ALLIED STORAGE WAREHOUSE Furniture Share Benefit Sale, 9:00 am – 4:00 pm [FURNISH] CLOUD 9 Rainbow in the Clouds: Gay-Centric Dance Party, 10:00 pm [COME OUT]

FIRST ALT COOP SOUTH Wine tasting, 5:00 pm [WINE ME] LBCC BENTON CENTER Pottery Sale, 3:30 pm [POTTERY] WINESTYLES Friday Flights: Pinots, 5:00 pm [YOU WINE SOME, YOU LOSE SOME]

Lebanon

Corvallis

BOMBS AWAY CAFÉ Colin Woekel’s Musical Showcase, 7:30 pm, FREE [SHOWCASE] FIREWORKS Performers Spotlight Series hosted by Gabriel Surley, 8:00 pm [SHOWCASE] OLD WORLD DELI Old-time Music Jam, 7:00 pm [OLD-TIMEY] PAPA’S PIZZA Webster Chicago, 6:00 pm [ACOUSTIC]

CHEADLE LAKE PARK 102nd Strawberry Festival [HOLY SHORTCAKE!] EVANGELICAL CHURCH Garden Club Standard Flower Show [FLOWER POWER] WILLAMETTE SPEEDWAY Wingless Sprints, Sportsman, Classic, PHRA Dwarf Cars, 6:00 pm, $14 [RACE DAY]

Lebanon

saturday04

Tangent

CALAPOOIA BREWING The Kindreds, 8:00 pm, FREE [COUNTRY] FARMER’S MARKET Todd Samusson, 9:30 am, FREE [BLUES] RHYTHM AND BREWS Fixed & Dilated with Groove Thief, 6:00 pm [ROCK]

Albany

DOWNTOWN DOG Country Jam, 6:00 pm, FREE [COUNTRY] PEACOCK BAR & GRILL EAST Blues Jam, 7:00 pm, FREE [BLUES] DIXIE CREEK SALOON Future Roots, 7:00 pm, FREE [PSYCHDELIC ROCK]

Albany

sing&dance

EAGLES LODGE Line dance, 7:00 pm, $4 [DANCE]

Corvallis

PEACOCK BAR & GRILL Main Stage: Karaoke, 9:00 pm [SING]; On the Top: DJ Mike, 9:00 pm [DANCE]

Lebanon

MERLIN'S BAR & GRILL Karaoke, 9:00 pm [SING]

10 • MAY 31, 2011 • WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM

stuff

Corvallis

livemusic

BEANERY ON 2nd Siobahn, 8:00 pm, FREE [ACOUSTIC] BOMBS AWAY CAFÉ A Tribute to Rush: Why Why Zed, 10:00, $6 [CANADIAN ROCK, NOT NICKELBACK] CLOUD 9 yOya and Greenhorse, 10:00 pm [AWESOME] FARMER’S MARKET Three Fingered Jack, 9:00 am [CELTIC FOLK] FIREWORKS Art for Hope Benefit feat. Best of CHS, 1:00 pm, $5 [BENEFIT] Int’l Fiddle Champ Zach Konowalchuk , 8:00 pm [FIDDLE] FIRST UNITED METHODIST OSU Chamber Choir President’s Concert, 7:00 pm, $10 [CHOIR] OSU QUAD Flat Tail Festival, 5:30 pm, FREE [FESTIVAL]

sing&dance

RILEY'S BAR & GRILL Cutting Edge Production presents DJ Tray, FREE [DANCE]

Corvallis

CORVALLIS DANCE CENTER CENTER Beginning Ballroom Lessons, 3:00 pm, Intermediate West Coast Swing Lessons, 4:00 pm, Beginning West Coast Swing, 6:00 pm [DANCE] FCC GATTON HALL CFS Contra Dance, 7:30 pm, $6 [DANCE] PEACOCK BAR & GRILL On the Top: DJ Heartburn, 9:00 pm [DANCE]

Lebanon

DUFFY'S IRISH PUB Karaoke, 10:00 pm, FREE [SING] MERLIN'S BAR & GRILL Karaoke, 9:00 pm [SING]

stuff

Albany

CITY HALL Albany Farmer’s Market, 9:00 am – 1:00 pm, FREE [MARKET]

Corvallis

ALLIED STORAGE WAREHOUSE Furniture Share Benefit Sale, 9:00 am – 4:00 pm [FURNISH] ARTS CENTER Between the Cracks: Sonic Possibilities Workshop on Improvisation, 7:00 pm, $10 [EXPANSION] AVALON WINE Wine tasting, 12:00 – 3:00 pm [WINE-IN] BENTON COUNTY FAIRGROUNDS 1st Annual Doggie Dash 5k Fun Run, 11:00 am, $20. REGISTER! [RUN] DOWNTOWN FIRST ST Corvallis Farmer’s Market, 9:00 am to 1:00 pm, FREE [MARKET] Corvallis Artisan’s Market, 9:00 am – 2:00 pm [CRAFTS] ENOTECA WINE BAR Saketini Saturdays, 3:00 pm [SAKE-TO-ME] GARLAND NURSERY Author Marjorie Sandor, 11:00 am, FREE [BOOKS] OSU RESER STADIUM New Balance Girls on the Run 5k/1k, 9:30 am, REGISTER [RUN] WESTMINSTER HOUSE Community Rhythm Circle, 7:00 pm [DRUMS] WHITESIDE THEATER First Flush Tour, 10:30 am [FLUSH]

Lebanon

CHEADLE LAKE PARK 102nd Strawberry Festival [HOLY SHORTCAKE!] EVANGELICAL CHURCH Garden Club Standard Flower Show [FLOWER POWER] WILLAMETTE SPEEDWAY NAPA Strawberry Cup: Dirt Car Super Late Models, Modified, Sportsman, Classic, 6:00 pm, $14 [RACE DAY]

Early Dismissal Across 1. “Knowing Is Half the Battle” spot, e.g. 4. ___ for sanity 9. 1970s James L. Brooks sitcom 14. Shipping option that uses trucks 16. Faster’s opposite 17. With 61-Across, disheartening missives written into the beginnings of this puzzle’s theme answers 18. Song of David 19. Spanish “but” 20. Immune system agents 22. Words that affect one’s tax status 23. Has a casual snack, as a cannibal? 28. Include free 30. Container with coloring 31. Pitch a tent 35. On in years 36. Periodical with 0% home subscription rates? 41. Co. that once sold modems 42. Catherine of ___ (Henry VIIIís first wife) 43. Dreaded “Press Your Luck” result 47. Wild Bill’s surname 51. Little league team? 55. Anger 56. Adjective used as a person, place, or thing 57. New York theater award 58. African language family 61. See 17-Across 64. Grammy-winning Hayes 65. Whistler in the kitchen 66. Big name in good china 67. French military force 68. Calm, so to speak Down 1. Stand in church 2. Clothing company associated with wet, near-naked bodies 3. Perennial NL Central cellardwellers 4. “What ___ you, nuts?”

To submit a calendar listing, notice of events must be received in writing by noon on Tuesday, one week before publication.

[FESTIVAL]

Thursday - Sunday | June 2nd to June 5th | ALL DAY

102nd Strawberry Festival Lebanon

sunday05 Albany

livemusic

CALAPOOIA BREWING Blues Jam, 4:00 pm, FREE [BLUES]

Corvallis

sing&dance

PEACOCK BAR & GRILL Main Stage: Karaoke with Sqwig-e-okie, 9:00 pm [SING]

Lebanon

MERLIN'S BAR & GRILL Karaoke, 9:00 pm [SING]

Corvallis

CORVALLIS BREWING SUPPLY Alchemist Homebrew Challenge Saison Tasting, 3:00 pm [BEER TIME]

Lebanon

CHEADLE LAKE PARK 102nd Strawberry Festival [HOLY SHORTCAKE!]

Philomath

PHILOMATH HS Philomath Sunday Market, 1:00 – 5:00 pm, FREE [MARKET]

37. One of five Norwegian kings 38. Ottoman title 39. Sci-fi suffix 40. Business letter abbr. 41. Plant bristle 44. Mazda MX-5s 45. Animated Scrooge 46. Desire 48. Butt in 49. Orange and black bird 50. Ivory Wayans who hosted “In Living Color” 52. In a way 53. Gay, self-affirmatively 54. Fix, as an overstuffed copier 57. He’s ahead of Sheffield on the all-time home run list 58. Use eBay, say 59. Simile center 60. Indian flatbread 62. ___ out a living 63. ___ Lo Green

4 2

1 4

6 7

8 5

Difficulty: Easy

2 sudoku-puzzles.net

stuff

FIREWORKS Southtown Talent Search: The Acoustic Showdown, 9:00 pm [LISTEN/PLAY] INTERSECTOR WORKSPACE 37 Cents Artists and Musicians Community Group Meeting, 7:00 pm [COLLECTIVE] PEACOCK BAR & GRILL Main Stage: Karaoke with Sqwig-e-okie, 9:00 pm [SING]

Tangent

Corvallis

monday06

5. ___ favor 6. Is hot for, with “after” 7. Cain’s eldest son 8. Website’s charge 9. One may be instant 10. Bug 11. Taxonomic suffix 12. ___ the Funky Homosapien 13. Limb in many a gym logo 15. Classic muscle car 21. Drug in some fabulously misguided episodes of “Dragnet” 23. Columbus vessel 24. One way to burn music 25. Cosmetics company for which Derek Jeter is a spokesman 26. Chip’s chipmunk counterpart 27. Letters on a pay stub 29. School year section: Abbr. 32. “I ___ jelly donut” 33. Ruin 34. Club circuit? 36. Area near NYU

Corvallis

FIREWORKS Van Meyers Duo, 8:00 pm [JAZZ] OSU LASELLS STEWART Heart of the Valley Children’s Choir, 3:00 pm [CHOIR] DIXIE CREEK SALOON Acoustic Jam, 7:00 pm, Bluegrass Jam, 7:00 pm, FREE [iPlay]

Send to calendar @ thealchemistweekly.com. For photo consideration please attach high resolution images with proper photo credit.

Inkwell Crosswords by Ben Tausig

SATURDAY CONTINUED Albany

stuff

Lebanon

STARLITE SPORTS BAR Willamette Poker Tour, 7:00 pm [POKER] MERLIN'S BAR AND GRILL Karaoke, FREE [SING]

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●

Coyote Kate

01 1

WEEKLY A

ROLOGER T S

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Gemini (May 21-June 20): I am reminded of the maverick cowboy leaning against the hand-carved rails, at the gate, lying-in-wait for a break in the swaying, slow-stepping participants. There is a lie in his wait. Tough and rough-hewn like the rail, he stands sweet-mouthed, however, afraid to go in, chewing on the straw end. Chewing. Smart. Creative. Senses sharp, visions appear to him beyond the gate. Been torso-kicked too much, allowing jealousy and low-mindedness to call him out, “Friend?” He shakes his head, clears what’s inside the cowboy hat and turns toward the gate with a hitch-twist. One step shifts wishful thinking to faith. Cancer ( June 21-July 22): Pretend you are the lunar eclipse in the middle of two solar eclipses. Feel the stretch of both influences, pulling you into the past, still effective, and into the future, full of potential. Focus remains hidden. The past is remembered in whatever particular fashion, mood, and emotion we imbued with facts. The former varies memory. The future, manifested, is instilled with whatever emotion we choose to anticipate it with, varying potential. Moon Child, lunar equals reconciliation with yourself. Unite. Leo ( July 23-Aug. 22): Faith is a curious thing, sometimes like standing on sand and life’s ocean sweeps you right down on your butt where waves wash over you repeatedly. Or, it can be like sleeping on the floor, feeling the concrete through the wood, hard against your body, making it ache. If you’re lucky, you believe in your skeleton, a living, growing thing, always there, sometimes fractured, but steadfast like true faith. Parameters include strength and stability as well as flexibility. Leo, if the outside world offers no consolation or soul amnesty, feel your bones. Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Earth remains chilly to the touch, compact from Winter’s sleep, much like your body Virgo. Take time to focus on your material self. Stretch. Make amendments. Summer activities, including work, will make more demands on you physically. Prepare now. Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Put smoke in front of the mirror so you aren’t mirroring someone else who needs to figure out stuff on their own. Just don’t make the smoke so

thick it sticks to the mirror. You might need to look into it again for your own sake in the future. Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): And Sun broke through like charging buffaloes, wind gusts precipitating the thundering mass. The blasting mass vents heat, stops on the horizon. Sweat pours out through shaggy fur dripping humidity, and then disappears, inviting chill’s return. Hence, a far-flung memory. Sag, bear in mind that which is essential to you. Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): What makes a coincidence mysterious? Something that does not fit into the ancestral mind-ladder that we all share. How does an eclipse expose the mysterious? By illuminating what is not usually visible. The movement, the energy, the knowledge exposed, eventually leads to a balance: we must accept what we can’t see. We know it’s there. Libra, the mysterious will become as tangible as something intangible can get for you. Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Soulboggle, like a throttle stuck. Full running, motor gunning, until the springs wear. Aware. Viscosity divine. How you spend your time? Soul-boggle, Cappi. Make happy—eclipse sappy. Aquarius ( Jan. 20-Feb.18): So, I, Gryllidae, a musician of the most subtle kind, play the tune with my angelic black wings, billowing the melody afar, tympanic–like. The bow, my feet. I woo. I warn. After copulation, I perform a mellower tune, sweetly. I, Cricket. My style of communication, distinct, becomes more available to you after Mercury enters Gemini on Wednesday Water Bearer. Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): “But what will move a firm and dauntless mind?” ( Joanna Baillie (Scottish poet 1762-1851) Pisces, a call for trust, clarity and perseverance pervades your life. Recognize obsession. You will move into the world of Jupiter in acts of creation. You can do it.

Aries (March 21-April 19): While contemplating ‘critical mass,’ enlightened, concerned, active humans, I thought of crickets, who through their voices, bring a sense of peace, wooing one another, night after night, hushing down at once when they hear, above the harmonies of their songs, a threat. After a pause, they commence to loving one another after a peaceful recognition. Aries, search for your own sense of peaceful recognition to become one of the ‘critical mass.’ Chirp out to others during the potent eclipses spread out over a month. ( June 1st and 15th, and July 1st). Taurus (April 20-May 20): With Jupiter moving into your sign on June 4th, you may feel the effects of ‘Imbas,’ a Druidic word for ‘fire in the head,’ an altered state of consciousness or poetic and/or divine inspiration. For a year, Jupiter stays here allowing you growth by acting with the most worthy intentions.

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WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM • MAY 31, 2011 • 13

WORD

“Ten Bands Enter, One Band Leaves”

his Friday the OSU campus will roar as ten bands wage sonic warfare in order to claim bragging rights as the campus’ best band, as well as securing a spot at Saturday’s Flat Tail Festival with headliner OK Go. However, crowning the crème de la crème of Corvallis isn’t just up to a panel of judges: you, dear reader, can influence the outcome by showing up and screaming for your favorite. Don’t know who to cheer for? Don’t know the difference between Aeolian or Mixolydian? Worry not. The Alchemist Weekly is here to guide your throat-crippling fandom and fill you in on what to expect at the 2011 OSU Battle of the Bands. photo by MaryAnne Turner

by Jimbo Ivy

Bob-Omb, with a hangover. This is the kind of music you hear muffled, coming through the walls of that one neighbor’s house who you thank God never comes over to ask for sugar, or if you’d care to share a bowl. Radion will give you a bloody nose just listening to it, in a good way.

The Flailing Inhalers 6:30 pm

AMBUSH PARTY

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>5:30 PM P-A-R-T-Y Ambush Party 5:30 pm

There is no dire lack of funk in Oregon; this is especially true in Corvallis where it seems funk or funk-inspired bands can be found playing in at least one venue at all times. However, while much of Oregon funk is fairly cerebral and expansive with a focus on extended jamming, Ambush Party’s deployment is much more direct and to the point: P-A-R-T-Y. Self-described as “beer” music, AP’s unapologetic, high-energy funk rock is the perfect compliment to a night out quaffing PBRs and jumping around with your friends. It’s not Mozart by any means, but the groove is infectious enough to have even the most stalwart shoegazer out on the floor shaking their ass.

It’s no secret that I love The Flailing Inhalers, so the objectivity of any statements I make regarding their chances during the Battle may be suspect. In my defense, any band that gets introduced by a self-made claymation video featuring an acerbic cowboy as they did at their last release party garners a large number of cool points automatically. However, the combination of brain-invadingly clever hooks and lyrics dripping equally with honest longing and razor sharp sarcasm makes the Inhalers the garage rock equivalent of Shakespeare’s Beatrice. Excellent musicianship, exciting showmanship and Nick Harper’s patented growling and howling should make The Flailing Inhalers a stout contender for the Beaver’s crown.

photo by Hila Ritter

Radion 6 pm

Self described as “alternative/indie lowfi bullshit,” Radion is a stripped down threepiece trying to make as much noise as possible via “cymbal crashing, chord strumming, bass muff ’n’, and obscenity shouting.” I sampled a three track offering that sounded like it was recorded via a Fisher-Price My First Hi-Fi, and it only added to the gritty goodness. Think The White Stripes meets Sex 14 • MAY 31, 2011 • WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM

FLAILING INHALERS

6:30 PM BRAIN INVAIDING<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

WORD Of Saints and Shadows 7 pm

When OSaS takes the stage, you are advised to steel your dark visage with a staunch scowl, let your black hair loose, and head down into the pit with your rock fist held high. If their brutal, metallic raging does not vanquish all their foes and clench them the title of Master of the Battle, they will certainly be receiving the honor of the band “tunes’d downs da lowests” as Toki Wartooth of Dethklok would say. Rooted heavily in the black veins of Avenged Sevenfold and Killswitch Engage, OSaS is no mere mindless metal band; the instrumentation is virtuosic, brutal and epic in the best traditions of the genre, as are Eric Taylor’s throat rending vocals which call forth images of dark forces pouring over the precipice of hope and dashing it into pieces. “Hail Satan!”

Mr. K2 7:30 pm

The stated purpose of Mr. K2 is the following: “It is an opposition to generic radio rock. It is the interpretation of the collective sound of the greatest influential bands of all time that is released by intelligence.” A lofty goal, to be certain, purportedly accomplished in this particular case by synthesizing the dynamic instrumentation of Rage Against the Machine and the introspective, brooding vocal styling of Maynard James Keenan, with an admixture of the more screamy tactics of Chino Moreno tossed in when deemed necessary. While I find nothing particularly innovative about this amalgam (other than the confidence with which the intention to innovate was announced), Mr. K2 is very good at their particular craft: bone-shattering bass, hard-driven guitars roaring out their dominion, and what must be a four-armed drummer commanding an army of toms and cymbals. Hard Rock fans withering in the current musical climate will rejoice and be convinced they’ve been timeshifted to Seattle or L.A. circa 1996 when Mr. K2 shakes OSU loose from the grips of “radio rock”.

contributed photo

LOADED FOR BEAR

Pluto My Planet 8 pm

photo byDennis Petersen

If Mr. K2’s declared enemy of “radio rock” had a face at the Battle, it might well be Pluto My Planet, as its list of influences include established popular artists like MGMT, The Killers, Cake, Vampire Weekend and Modest Mouse. Cheerful, energetic and a bit anachronistic especially with regards to the other battle bands, Pluto My Planet is difficult to classify. Their fan page lists them as “funk-pop dance-rock” which is fairly apt, other than the funk aspect, which I didn’t notice as much during the KBVR Local Live video I watched, but that isn’t to say it wouldn’t be present in a more replete sampling. PMP is fun, light and engaging; and the are likely to be a breath of fresh air among their more brutal companions.

Loaded for Bear 8:30 pm

In a world of obsessive miniaturization and digitization, watching a band lug a heavy wooden upright piano on stage raises an eyebrow. The sound, however, that results from Loaded for Bear’s eclectic array of instruments does much more than that. At once accessible and unusual, the degree of musical talent LfB marshals is overwhelming; Kyle Jones’ unique vocal tones, Ella Hersh’s hauntingly seductive violin, Adam Harney’s phenomenal guitar tones, with Seth Johnson and Patrick Ward filling out the rhythm

RADION

6 PM STRIPPED DOWN<<<<<<<<<<< with a warmth and understatement as practiced and perfect as the rest. As far as defining them…imagine if Chris Isaak sang about things that mattered and killed Chris Martin in a duel so as to claim frontman for Coldplay. Add a violin and remove the tendency towards poppy dance-ish songs or soundtracks for wristcutters. If I were judging the Battle, these guys would be triumphant until proven lacking by some miraculous display of musicianship.

Blue Ember 9 pm

Another candidate for Mr. K2’s anti-pop ire, Blue Ember glows with popular radio sensibilities: dance-friendly, great hooks, and a sound so polished it gleams. On a first listening, Cobra Starship definitely leapt to mind on the fun songs, Incubus on the serious ones, which isn’t at all a bad thing; the combination of quiet piano leaping into overdriven guitars for the choruses also made me recall Linkin Park. Keawe Anderson’s vocals are multifaceted, slipping seamlessly between R&B smooth and traditional rock sing-screaming on tracks like This Is My Techno. As far as possessing a polished, professional sound, Blue Ember

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>8:30 PM OVERWHELMING TALENT

is definitely among the top three, but the true test will be whether the judges see their radio-friendly sound as an accomplishment, or discount them for it.

audiophilia 9:30 pm

Unless you’ve been living in a cave cradling a bong for the last epoch, you’ve probably heard or seen audiophilia. If you know me or have read my reviews in the past, you may have caught on to my fairly bright and constant dislike for “jam” bands; however, audiophilia is not one of those bands. Yes, they do launch into spontaneous jams during their sets, but they are also quite possibly the most wholly entertaining band I’ve seen, locally. Whether you dig live music for its dance appeal, showmanship, instrumental virtuosity, or lyrical quality, audiophilia nails each and every category and has a blast doing it, which passes directly to their fans. In case you’re wondering, audiophilia is my pick to walk away with the crown.

Mötæ 10 pm

Potentially labeled as everything from Latin, to World, to Jazz, to Hard Rock, however you decide to call Mötæ, just make sure you don’t hit the Flat Tail beer garden too hard and miss them at 10. My first thought was a less depressing Tool; the lilting vocals combined with the rolling single note guitar licks and accented toms during the verses leading into soaring, driven choruses gave me flashbacks from Ænima...plus they use the same ligature in their name. Also the only band at the Battle to be benefited by the efforts of an Artistic Director…so, we’ll see if that gives them an edge.

There you have it, ten of Corvallis’ best live music acts! Well…sorta…most of them are based in Portland, actually. (Shh, don’t tell anyone!) Chances are you already have a favorite and wil only show up for them (cause you’re mean and you suck), but in my humble opinion you’ll be sorely missing out if you don’t show up at 4:30 for Jared Mees and The Grown Children (the rad band that is opening). Grab a fistful of Flat Tail’s fine product and settle in for a night of fantastic music at the 2011 OSU Battle of the Bands! WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM • MAY 31, 2011 • 15

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