The Alchemist Weekly by The Alchemist Weekly

"Give us a wink and make me think of you."

WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM • VOLUME 4 NUMBER 171:40 • APRIL 12, 2011

THE ENFORCER She doesn't want to give you the boot. But she will. by AYLA ROGERS | p. 12

SYMPOSIUM

VOICE

Are you an illusion? Am I an illusion? Is life an illusion? Albany ● Corvallis ● Lebanon ● Philomath VOLUME 4 NUMBER 171:40 ● APRIL 12, 2011

VOICE Opinions and Editorials, be they ours or yours, this is where they be.

3 | Dirtstir 4 | Special to TAW

VERDICT

We be the judge, you be the jury... you trust us right?

5 | Bookworm & Take a trip to the Darkside

LITERATI

Amateur prose, poetry and fiction still has a home.

6 | This future called now

WORD

Journalists call them features; we say it’s the word.

12 | The enforcer

BUMP

It’s the calendar of all things Albany, Corvallis, Lebanon, and Philomath.

8 | Alchy Picks 11 | Crossword 14 | Weekly Horoscope

Editorial

Editor Courtney Clenney Staff Writers Courtney Clenney, Noah Stroup, Stanley Tollett Bump Editor Noah Stroup Contributors Coyote Kate, Dirtstir, Ed Glick, Josh Goller, Jimbo Ivy, Ayla Rogers, Bryan Smith, Michael Thomas,

Art

Art Directors Courtney Clenney, Noah Stroup Layout Editor Andrea Fideler Cover Photo by Jesse Beam

Advertising

Director of Marketing Stanley Tollett Account Executive Noah Stroup

Business

Publisher Noah Stroup The Alchemist Weekly is published by: CorvAlcheMedia LLC PO Box 1591 Corvallis, OR 97339 Alchemist Mission

As a publication, our goal is to facilitate greater understanding and appreciation for the diverse social and cultural groups found in the area. In doing so, we hope to create a greater sense of community between Oregon State University and Corvallis, between Albany and Corvallis, and between Philomath, Lebanon and Corvallis-Albany. The Alchemist recognizes the various interests of these groups and is dedicated to being as fluid as the community it serves. The Alchemist is available to you for free. Please limit yourself to one copy. If your picture is in it, you are welcome to take enough copies for your family. Subject to availability, back issues can be purchased by mail for $5. Send your request with specific issue date to PO Box 1591, Corvallis, OR 97339 and include a check or money order payable to The Alchemist.

2 • APRIL 12, 2011 • WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM

Last week's puzzle solutions

The Alchemist Weekly welcomes freelance submissions. Manuscripts will be returned if you include a self-addressed, stamped envelope. letters@thealchemistweekly.com, news@thealchemistweekly.com, submissions@thealchemistweekly.com, editor@thealchemistweekly.com calendar@thealchemistweekly.com, ads@thealchemistweekly.com

There's this idea that prosperity, success, and happiness mean achieving your goal, or your dreams. We are encouraged, from so many voices in our culture, to follow our dreams, aim high, and reach for the stars. Sometimes literally, to become rich and famous- become an idol, a star. Then we encounter the corresponding idea that comes, sometimes, like a tower crashing to the ground. It's a recognition that the idea of prosperity, success and happiness is an illusion. It comes with the awareness of an un-sustainable system (of thoughts and infrastructure), an uncertain future, and maybe a silently creeping suspicion that you are actually an empty, meaningless void. It's the idea that there is no escape from the bleak anonymity of life. It's the idea that you are probably doomed to live out your life waiting in line, working a job that barely pays the bills, destined to follow the script, then die resigned to carrying with you into oblivion the burdens of a lifetime of regrets. Oh, and maybe the world is going to end catastrophically before any of that hopeless shit plays out. Well, they're both illusions. There is real meaning to these illusions. I bring this up because I see, and I feel, the desperation that feeds these ideas. For example, I see this desperation echoed in a few of the articles and submissions to this paper: Stanley Tollett's Symposium pieces about the futility of this or that (freedom, human decision-making, love, math), or Kiler Davenport's poems expressing a feeling of doom, powerlessness, and anger at our willingness to accept worthlessness. There is an anger that arises from the perception that our social problems and psychospiritual problems come from a pandemic of complacency, or laziness, or stupidity. There is an idea that we shouldn't be complaining about the banality of modern life, since we are spoiled and ignorant about how terrible conditions are in the rest of the world and our emotional diaper-rash “problems” are not really “real.” I think this idea is misplaced. Yes, we have food and clean water at our fingertips. Yes, it's difficult to “solve the world's problems” when we're preoccupied with World of Warcraft or with remaining more attractive to the opposite sex than the other guy or gal. My point is this: our problems don't arise out of complacency or stupidity, they arise out of genuine desperation. This is why I say that our illusions actually mean something. The illusions that you have (no matter what they are) point to something genuine. If our internal problems (individual and cultural) were not genuine, we would not fabricate illusions. It is natural to get angry about the bullshit that you see and the feedback-loop that traps people. It is also natural to feel hopeless about it all. When you step back, you may notice that whatever you focus on is also what you are meditating upon. Everyone meditates in some form or another. Most people meditate on anger, and worry, and fear-based stuff. I don't think there's anything wrong with fear in itself; instead, I think one big cause of cultural desperation is addiction. Addic-

tion to particular kinds of meditation, such as the kind I just described. Then we try to make sense of the feelings that arise from it by making up a bunch of nonsense and then meditating on that. Beating up on what we think is the cause of our world's problems (whether you think it's yourself or it's something or someone in the world) doesn't resolve anything or allow any real freedom to arise. In the second, “life's-a-bitch-and-then-you-die,” illusion, it is obvious that resenting that particular idea does not make it go away. In fact, the entire point of that idea is that you can resent all you want, and get pissed off all you want, and it's still not going to change a thing. I don't know of any one solution to all the complexities that generate all the world's illusions. I am not saying that we should not focus on what we think is making us feel angry, or worried, or hopeless. Instead we should move to realize that those things don't own us. We are not slaves. Bill Hicks said, "the world is just a ride...and we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings of money. Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love.” Where you go from there is up to you. Do what thou will, shall be the whole of the law. Love is the law, love under will. -Bryan Smith think@thealchemistweekly.com

JACKSON STREET YOUTH SHELTER NOW HIRING! Jackson Street Youth Shelter, Inc. in Corvallis, OR is hiring! There is full time (34 hours/wk) Overnight Case Worker position available. We will also be hiring one or two part time Case Worker positions (18 hours/wk). All hiring and training needs to be done for potential staff to start working by April 22nd. The Overnight Case Worker position will pay between $9-$10.25/hr and the part time Case Worker position will pay between $8.50-$9/hr. The wage will be determined on education, experience, and your commitment to JSYSI and the Corvallis Community. To apply please do a resume, cover letter, have at least 3 references or reference letters, and copies of your current First Aid/CPR/Food Handlers certifications. The application can be sent by email or you can hand it in, in person. Please Contact KendraSue Phillips-Neal, Shelter Director @ sheltermanager@jsysi.org OR 541-754-2404

DIRTSTIR

VOICE

CORVALLIS VANITIES

I BRAKE 4 MÍ BASURARA DUMPSTERS ES TÚ BASU

Blips

One Libyan rebel noted that before intervention, the rebels trusted in God and were having success. Now, believing in NATO, they are experiencing defeats. Simple. Go back to the previous strategy. U.S. government shutdown? Fine, stop paying the politicians, and send them home. Japan's Chief Cabinet Secretary says sorry for dumping radioactive water. Still sore about 1945? U.S. soldiers are still wallowing in Kandahar and Marjah, Afghanistan, eight months after offensives started to remove the Taliban from the area. Let's appeal for aid from other nations to combat this natural disaster called the U.S. economy.

Bad Form

Tuesday, April 5, at about 12:20 pm, I watched a large, older, pony-tailed guy in a tie-dyed shirt take a garbage bag (s?) from his newer model VW Beetle, throw them in the downtown Beanery's trash bin, and drive away. I slowed as I passed his car which was swung close in front of the garbage bin, apparently not there for coffee. He had pulled the trash from his trunk and began to heft them when we made eye contact. He lowered the bags for a moment, out of sight behind the car. As I looked away to maneuver down the alley, my periphery caught him toss the bags in the garbage bin and step into his car. I can understand tossing the debris from one's pocket or floor mat, but garbage generated at home or work, thrown in someone else's can? To be judgemental, this event twanged on my hippie stereotype. I felt the not unfamiliar sense of mild disgust I get when thinking about the yucky parts of 'Dead shows (the "I need a miracle", etc. element outside the show), the Oregon Country Fair, or Old Peak Jam. I have nothing against the events, just against the people who attend with the idea of receiving something with minimal or no contribution. So, to the guy in the newer, red VW Bug, OR license plate: (Crater Lake)48---, lame, and if you don't like that, should I say, "theft of services?"

Teaching Moment

According to the Gazette-Times, Corvallis School District will be holding three "public forums" over the next couple weeks

to explain the State's education budget options, as well as the local district's proposed budget. Calling them "public listening sessions" (csd509j.net), the meetings are/were held at 7 pm in the libraries at Cheldelin Middle School (April 5), Lincoln School (April 11, in Spanish), and Corvallis High School (April 13). And, there is to be a public question and feedback opportunity. State and local K-12 budget proposals and forecasts will be discussed, and consideration of budget reductions,"...to ensure a quality educational program that is sustainable into the future" (csd509j.net), will be covered. Sustain what?

Balancing Privatization

Federal politicians are trying to balance a budget, and the dominant party is saying it won't happen without a radical change to "entitlements" (medicare/medicaid). The Republican plan would have people continue to pay the medicare/medicaid tax, but the states would be apportioned "blocks" of credit to be distributed among recipients who would then put that money towards buying private insurance. This is a great plan brought to us by people who get money from the insurance industry, and have their own insurance package. What do they get? One benefit roughly outlined, if retiring after 20 years, one will receive 50% of the average of their highest three earning years as annual retirement pay. For an Army Colonel with 20+ years, that's over $4,500/month, and a top government service rank receives a little over $4,000/month. If you read www.senate.gov/reference/resources/pdf/ RL30631.pdf, you'll see stepping out of a congressional seat after five years will garner about $20,000 annually in retirement pay. For the most, federal employees have agreed or signed on to these wage and benefit packages, and the agreements should be honored. For the rest, I mean those that have the power to vote their own pay raises, maybe the voters should decide their pay scale. Maybe instead of villainizing unions (including federal employees, congressmen withstanding), we could demand the same benefit package a Congressman holds. Or, we could demand they utilize medicare/ medicaid, and Social Security for their retirement needs. -CtJ dirtstirreply@gmail.com

The thoughts, views, and opinions expressed in Voice are of their authors and do not necessarily represent the thoughts, views, or opinions of CorvAlcheMedia, LLC. WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM • APRIL 12, 2011 • 3

VOICE

SPECIAL TO THE ALCHEMIST WEEKLY

Corvallis: ready, set, here they come

This is a misconception. Medical cannabis distribution systems are an unstoppable force in Oregon, and in Corvallis. Too many patients have registered in the Oregon Medical Marijuana Program and need medicine, and too much money has been invested in various business models.

The question now is for Corvallis civic, business and legal authorities to decide how to implement these systems. Additionally, the people who create these businesses must decide if their enterprise is really in support of patients and professionalism, or are these emerging entities profit—driven, on the back of the OMMP. (Lest I be castigated in the wider community of growers, I must acknowledge that hundreds of Oregon cannabis growers have produced hundreds-of-thousands of pounds of medicine for OMMP patients at great personal and financial risk. Big pharma doesn’t have that good of a record.) The electoral failure of BM-74 may have temporarily halted the regulated pathway of cannabis dispensaries, but it accelerated the non-regulated pathway.

There are a number of legal channels for organizations to use which do not involve “consideration” with cannabis exchange. Labor charges, delivery fees, rent of space or equipment, community ownership all offer methods to connect cannabis producers with OMMP cardholders. The development of this economic trend is exemplified in the rapid appearance of “horticultural shops” in Benton County which, in some measure, supply the medical cannabis cultivation industry. They have carved out their legal niche by explicitly refusing to discuss marijuana with any customer. This is a bit disingenuous considering they are profiting directly from them.

A “cooperative,” is where a group of cardholders join their grow address together, allowing for larger gardens and economies of scale. There is no legal restriction on the number of growers who may inhabit an address. (There is a limit on the number of patients that any grower can produce for— four). Or, “membership fees” offer patients a share of the organization and a supply of medicine.

“Delivery Services” offer an economical and discreet method for getting medicine into the hands of patients. A delivery service does not charge for cannabis, (that would be “for consideration”) it charges for the time and use of a vehicle to take the medicine to the patient. If there isn’t a delivery service in Corvallis today, there will be in a year. Successful entrepreneurs are

franchising their ideas and leveraging their financial success into new markets.

Cannabis supply systems are flourishing all across Oregon, and before long, the DEA may show up here, as they have in Montana and California, and conduct a few high-profile raids. (Readers must remember that Cannabis is still classified in the Controlled Substances Act according to Federal law as a dangerous drug with high abuse potential and no medical use.) This insane position has relegated the Feds to a relatively useless role.

Thursday, April 14th

Wild Hog in the Woods

The “cannabis economy” in Oregon is large, employing thousands of people and generating millions of untaxed dollars. This is actually just fine for many growers, who did not support Measure 74, and understandably so. Who wants government regulations, licenses, and taxes that will be intrusive and expensive? But mostly, Oregon’s cannabis economy is decentralized where many people make moderate income and a few make a lot.

Saturday, April 16th

The Peculiar Pretzelmen

Sunday, April 17th

Blues Jam

The changes that are coming will be shaped to a large degree by the approach. If there is a hostile or obstructive attitude from government officials, the industry will expand through the influence of increasingly large, and well-funded, unregulated companies who have the resources to create businesses and hire attorneys to defend them. This centralized approach could replace the existing economic and agricultural systems, composed of Corvallis and Benton County growers who do not have deep pockets.

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To that end, multiple new organizations are converging in Benton County, including cooperatives, cannabis research organizations, seed companies, OMMP physician clinics, delivery services, farmer’s markets and, of course, M-Research. Most of these organizations are being created by residents of the community, with ties, families and jobs here. Most importantly, they all should share a desire to professionalize the medical cannabis business community, by building research, documentation, and patient access systems which may set the standard for medical cannabis in Oregon. It is up to community leaders, the City Council, the Mayor, the Chief of Police, as well as the growers, and collectives to decide which approach to take here in Corvallis.

Medical cannabis is here, in Corvallis, today. There will be benefits and problems as it unfolds further. Respect for ill people, communication of all parties, professionalism, mutual respect for community values, and an honest desire to cooperatively engage will allow the cannabis/medical marijuana industry to harmoniously develop here in Corvallis. “Just-Say-No” Republican rhetoric will not stop what is coming soon, or what is already here, but it will frame the debate. This is a measure of our humanity and our community.

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-Ed Glick opinion@thealchemistweekly.com

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VERDICT

Bookworm by MICHAEL THOMAS "Waiting for the Barbarians" (1980) by: J.M. Coetzee

Coetzee’s book demonstrates how gossip can distend into fear and paranoia, and how individuals act under this strain.

A story’s staying power is dependent on its relevance in a society whose mores tend to shift over a period of time. Do the events portrayed in the story have legitimacy 30 years later? Are the motifs they use still potent, their arguments still effective? These questions need to be considered if longevity is the focus. An author’s credibility rests on it. One of the focuses of J.M. Coetzee’s important novel, "Waiting for the Barbarians" (1980), is the subject of torture in a ‘civilized’ society. Coetzee, South Africa’s recipient of the 2003 Nobel Prize in Literature, and a vocal critic of apartheid rule in his country, frequently writes about oppression,

guilt, and the struggle for power between the empowered and the powerless—and how these distinctions can survive into modernity and manifest themselves in different situations. He is a brutal writer who is elegiac with his prose, and ferocious when depicting the calamitous bloodshed of regimes. "Waiting for the Barbarians" is narrated by an unnamed Magistrate living on the fringes of an empire whose frontier town may or may not be in danger of attack from the Barbarian hordes that are rumored to be preparing for war against the empire. Coetzee’s book demonstrates how gossip can distend into fear and paranoia, and how individuals act under this strain. Through paranoia, we create our own wars. The prestige of a civilization is soiled when it employs vicious tactics—torture, for example—against an enemy that it has created through fabrication or through former conquest. Coetzee’s Magistrate is fatigued with frontier life, worn down by rumors of war that he has heard again, and again, over the years. When a military patrol arrives in his town in preparation for the Barbarian invasion, the Magistrate finds himself

Take a trip to the Darkside

clashing with the quietly hostile Colonel Joll, a sadist whose interrogation techniques frequently employ torture against the peaceful, non-Barbarian, indigenous population. The Magistrate is disgusted with Joll’s policies, but he is a product of the same privileged families of the same empire. The Magistrate’s struggle to reconcile his broadening mindset with the shackles of empire creates a central character conflict in the book. When Joll leaves, a tribeswoman is also left behind. The Magistrate becomes fascinated with this woman, and his interest, over time, contributes to his dislocation from society, and finally from the own security. Coetzee’s narrative of colonized versus colonizer is given longevity, and ensured a long shelf life, because the events it portrays could have happened anywhere, in any century. In the wake of Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo, our ongoing involvement in the Middle East, the novel’s message resonates emphatically. We are the barbarians. The barbarians never existed. Also from J.M. Coetzee, read: "Dusklands" (1974), "In the Heart of the Country" (1977), and "Age of Iron" (1990).

"The Kings Speech" by JOSH GOLLER By the 20th century, the power retained by British monarchs was mostly ceremonial. While political power had been handed off to Parliament, monarchs still gave a voice to Britain. But, the voice of an empire can sometimes get trapped in the throat of its king. "The King’s Speech" paints an intimate portrait of King George VI (Colin Firth), whose struggle with public speaking came to a head as Britain plunged into World War II. The bulk of the story transpires in the years leading up to his ascension to the throne, when Bertie (as he’s both affectionately and condescendingly referred to by his family) suffers under the shroud of awkward pauses and guttural noise as the Duke of York. With his kingly father’s health failing, and his heir of an older brother (Guy Pearce) engaged in a scandalous affair, Bertie is convinced by his wife (Helena Bonham Carter) to try yet another in a long series of speech therapists. One, Lionel Logue (Geoffrey Rush). It’s easy to anticipate the outcome of the film, especially given its existence in history books. Therefore, the director, Tom Hooper (who collected some hardware from the Academy for his efforts), chose to avoid the usual splendor and majesty—typically rampant in films about the regal set. Instead, he uses a pale palette in a setting that remains mostly indoors, and focuses almost

exclusively on Bertie’s and Lionel’s respective families. The tension of the film lies solely in the tete-a-tete sessions between them, and in Bertie’s cringe-inducing trips to the microphone. There’s no better Oscar-bait than films about royalty, and "The King’s Speech" doubles down with some Nazi footage to boot. As a result, it raked in Best Picture, Best Actor (Firth), and the aforementioned Best Director, in addition to netting supporting nominations for Rush and Bonham Carter. The acting in the film is admittedly superb (though it’s somewhat disorienting to see Bonham Carter in anything more posh than tattered black stockings) but, for a Best Picture winner, the story proves one-dimensional. Hooper succeeds in evoking humanity, even in the most esteemed of humans, but ultimately the story boils down to an endearing, if somewhat repetitive, tale of an important man confronting a speech impediment. Not exactly an epic. But, in a year with many good-not-great Best Picture nominees, the Academy fell back to its old habits and chose to elevate a film about royalty to a pedestal on which it may not belong. Still, "The King’s Speech" is charming and engaging and worth seeing, even if it wasn’t the best picture in 2010.

Directed by | Tom Hooper Written by | David Seidler Stars | Colin Firth, Geoffrey Rush, & Helena Bonham Carter WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM • APRIL 12, 2011 • 5

LITERATI

This future called now A hypothetical we can't ignore

Words by JIMBO IVY | photos by NOAH STROUP.

“R

evolution,” a large, tattooed man, says quietly. He stands before a group of young men and women, shivering through the January drizzle, beneath a shattered roof. “Before the last drop of oil burned, before the religious wars came to our country, we were all too fat, too comfortable, too soft to speak that word with conviction.” The eyes of the youths glisten from beneath tattered hoodies, bearing the ghosts of popular culture— long burned along with the bodies of their loved ones. Only 10 years ago these kids would’ve had video game controllers glued to their hands, they would've been living in " cheap apartments, stained by bong water, stacked with pizza boxes. Now, they are lean and hard; eyes dark with memories, warriors for their new way of life. Even the ones who before wouldn’t have been able to get a driver’s license were experienced at living in the New Way. They ate what they grew, died from influenza or staph, if they were careless or weak, and knew what killing was, firsthand. “All the self-indulgence and sloth that was America,” the man says, hissing the last word, “led us here, grew from here.” He raises his arms and gestures around the room, a dilapidated courtroom, now a classroom for dispensing this new world order to the ones that couldn’t clearly remember the shutdowns, shortages, and eventual descent into anarchy and murder of before. The man is standing on the surface of where the judge would’ve shuffled his papers; it is scattered now with hand-scrawled pronouncements and dogeared copies of Abbie Hoffman’s “Revolution for the Hell of It.” The smallest raises her hand, fear in her eyes. “Is it true…what people are saying? Are the soldiers finally coming for us?” Over the past week the rumor had been spreading amongst the 2,503 people that now populated Corvallis, as the last remnants of the disbanded United States Army and National Guard had finally started moving south from Portland because their stockpile of “appropriated” supplies had finally run out. These men and women were no longer proud soldiers charged to defend their country, in fact, very few of them were ever actual military personnel. Instead, they were little more than a band of roving pillagers, hopelessly attached to the

old ways, unable to transition to a life devoid of internets and Pepsi-Cola. The tattooed man nods. “Yes. The wireless operators up on Mary’s Peak got word that they had occupied New Salem two weeks ago. We haven’t heard from our friends there since.” The youths turn and look at one another, verifying that they are all terrified, before turning back to the tattooed man. “Don’t be afraid,” he says softly. “New Salem was smaller than we are, only a few thousand after the sickness last winter, and their city was harder to defend. With the old Albany river crossings having been destroyed many years ago, it’s very likely the soldiers will just stick with the highways to save their precious fuel and pass us by on their way to what’s left of Eugene.” The kids nod compulsively, not convinced. As if in response to the tattooed man’s confidence, above the omnipresence hush of rain a distant explosion rips the air outside. Without a word, the entire company rushes to the double doors, and outside. The Benton County Circuit courthouse, previously a beacon of order and justice, now is a chronicle of the chaos that came after the government shut down for the last time. Once white and resplendent, it is pock marked with small arms fire, half-hearted arson attempts, and directly in the center of its face a giant, black circle with the letter ‘A’ slashed within it; an early defacement, the product of angry, hungry youths, and lack of a functioning police force. Many of the public buildings had fallen during the turf wars and neo-tribalism that followed the system’s collapse: City Hall, the local newspaper edifice, the library, much of the University cam-

6 • APRIL 12, 2011 • WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM

pus, but somehow the courthouse had been spared, often occupied by whichever group had mustered the most bullets and bites of food that week and thus “ruled” Corvallis. Standing in between the rows of winter vegetables that had replaced the lush grass and decorative trees once surrounding the courthouse, the tattooed man and his students listen, intently, like deer shocked still and wary. From the alley across the street beside a burned out bookstore, three female youths rush to the group, hollering, “Dad, dad, they’re coming! They’re really coming this time!” The tattooed man grabs the leader, his daughter, steadying her. “How are they coming, Kiley?” The youth stares at him for a moment, breathing heavily, eyes wide and unfocused beneath her hood. “Which way?” The tattooed man says gently, pushing back her hood and smoothing her hair. Kiley shakes her head, focusing on her father. “Southtown. Men on foot,” she says, dreamily. She swallows hard, coming to reality. “Marcus is on the radio; he’s been flying patrols since we stopped hearing from New Salem. They have a tank, daddy.”

Overhead, the sound of a single engine aircraft roars; a brilliantly yellow spray plane streaks low over the courthouse, rolling into an inverted loop before returning to a westerly course. The tattooed man reaches for an ancient looking radio at his waist, switching it on. “Marcus! Marcus, where is the tank?” A crackling hiss is followed by a jovial voice shouting over a roaring engine, “10 miles out on 34. It’s a Bradley. Stripped down for range; no TOW missiles, thank the Maker. Bunch of ragtags ridin on the outside; probly 15 or so, plus crew.” The tattooed man smiles, but there is no mirth there. “They mean to use the Van Buren Bridge. It’s the only crossing left on the river for 50 miles.” He turns to the group of youths behind him. “It’s time.” A symphony of metallic clicks echo through the ruined square that used to house the Blind Lady of Justice as rounds are chambered, safeties removed, and fuses are checked. The tattooed man surveys his students. “Today, children, you are the revolution. And the revolution never dies.” … On Highway 34, a rusty and clattering Bradley Fighting Vehicle rolls towards Cor-

LITERATI vallis, the men lounging atop it signing along with pop songs blaring from a loud speaker mounted on the turret. Within, the mood is not so aloof, as the radio operator reports the status of the groups of men approaching the seditiousness city on foot from the south. “They’re having trouble in the area the locals call Southtown, sir. They’ve lost five men, already. F***ing hippies rigged the river approaches and random businesses with IEDs, and have set up ambush points.” The commander shakes his head, “If we had air cover, this would all be over already.” But, there hadn’t been air west of the Rockies since DC had fallen in 2021. As the supply drops ceased, and the humanitarian stuff from the EU and Chinese shifted towards the California genocide, what these men ambitiously called “the government” had sent what little remained of the military away from the relative safety of Portland towards the smaller towns, the self-proclaimed “transitioned cities.” It was rumored that large stockpiles of food, fuel, and arms had been in place in these “granola” hideouts since the early twenty-teens. “The scout element reports two of the bridges ahead are down, sir, the Highway bridge to the south and the Harrison. The Van Buren looks alright, but there’s a welded barricade on the far end.” The commander shrugs, lighting a cigarette. “We didn’t come here for the scenery; tell the demo squad to get on it when we get there. Have everyone else consolidate on the east end of the bridge and set up a perimeter.” … The bridge creaks beneath the weight of the Bradley as teenagers slung with assault rifles watch silently from the trees and foli-

age at its east end. Below the bridge, dangling upside-down from a cable, a lone boy slips arming pins out of explosives placed on the bridge’s supports shortly after Corvallis transitioned to independence, the elders knowing that once their supply chains east had been cut off, the ragtags up north would be coming to take their weapons, their food. “Sad to let all those guns go to the river,” Kiley quips, a grim smile in place below her hard eyes. The tattooed man behind her shakes his head, “It’s the river I’m concerned about. That river brings us a lot of our food. But…I don’t think any of us are ready to be Americans again, are we?” Heads shake along the row of bushes. “Is Toby clear?” The tattooed man asks. A harsh whisper becomes a hand signal, which is answered after a brief delay. “No, daddy,” Kiley says quietly. “They say he’s having trouble with the last one.” Under the bridge, Toby yanks on the last pin, without success. Above he can hear the soldiers moving out from their Bradley, towards the sides of the bridge. “Check below, you never know; they might be communing with nature down there.” A ripple of laughter from above accompanies a helmeted face appearing at the bright edge of the bridge walkway. In desperation, Toby reaches into his hoodie and pulls out a claw hammer, swinging it towards the rusted arming pin. “Hey, kid! What the f*** are you-” As the commander steps out from his Bradley to check the progress on the barricade, the bridge comes to life beneath him, bucking and twisting in a cacophony of fire and deafening concussions, before he is swallowed by the cold shock of deep water. “Not yet,” the tattooed man hisses, sensing his children breathlessly following the

Today, children, you are the revolution. And the revolution never dies.

desperate movements of the men in the water from behind the sights of their weapons. Seven had survived the explosions, and subsequent collapse of the bridge, its upper trusses now poking from the waves of the Willamette River. As they struggle to shore, the tattooed man’s voice booms out from above the bank, “Surrender, join our community and you live!” It was the standard offer to outsiders, but none of the youths relax the

cross hairs—they have sight on each man’s heaving chests; they know the standard response from those still serving the system. “F*** you, hippies!” the commander shouts, before any of his men can cry mercy. Removing his sidearm, he fires into the bushes around the riverbank until his weapon is empty. When no bullets come back to him, he bellows, “Come on! Come an get it!”

DISC SKATE GLASS

The Women’s Boutique rated 1 by The Alchemist Readers #

continued on page 15 Independently Owned since 2006

1110 NW Van Buren Corvallis, OR 541.754.4257

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Happy Trails Records Corner of 3rd and Monroe • Downtown Corvallis • 541.752.9032 • Mon -Sat 10:30 - 7:00, Sun 12:00 - 6:00

WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM • APRIL 12, 2011 • 7

ALCHY PICKS

[week of April 12th] by Stanley Tollett

Wednesday | APRIL 13th | 7:30 pm LaSells Stewart Center OSU AND NPR FTW

America and Latin America have had a rocky relationship: assassinations, corruption, the drug trade, installing corrupt and brutal dictatorships to benefit the American economic interests, more drugs, and some invasions and proxy wars. We haven’t been very nice to our brothers and sisters to the south over the years. While I dig guys like Fidel Castro, Che Guevara and Hugo Chavez, I realize I know very little about them, and their policies, in comparison to foreign policy experts and historians. The fact that they have thumbed their nose at some of America’s more nefarious activities and attempts to control their peoples makes me smile every time I see or hear of them. Aside from my anti-imperialistic philosophy, I admit that I know very little about the actual culture and philosophy of Latin America, for which I feel shame. Fortunately, I have the opportunity to hear some intellectual discourse on that very topic. NPR's Phlosophy Talk radio show is scheduled to host a discussion about Latin American Philosophy at OSU’s LaSells Stewart Center on Wednesday, April 13th at 7:30 pm. You can hear your applause or jeers on NRP as well, and even tell your mom and dad that you are actually expanding your cultural horizons. Pretty cool.

Thursday | APRIL 14th | 9 pm Downward Dog WAS HIS NAME 'O

I’ve played Bingo many times in my life as, I am sure, many of you have. There is nothing more exhilarating than knowing the exact alpha-numeric code that needs to be intoned so you can leap up with elation and shout those magical words at the top of your lungs. Conversely, there is no greater inspiration for loathing and murderous thoughts than being one box away from getting your Bingo and having someone else shout out Bingo from the back of the room. You can literally hear the collective sigh of shattered dreams echo throughout the room. You can see the hatred in the eyes of the fellow players. Even if it’s an old lady, you still can’t help but hate them. It’s our Bingo-animal. It’s a predator and a vicious mother at that. Add booze to the mix, and there is bound to be trouble, maybe even blood. Get your Bingo fix at the Downward Dog with the Oakshire Brewing Bingo Night at 9 pm on Thursday, April 14th. We are labeling it in the [FUN] category. But it’s that Old West type fun.

Not bounce house or dog frisbee fun. It’s that type of fun where you know at any moment, if the wrong number is called, the man sitting in your blind spot could lose it all and leap at you with less than good intentions. So, if you are going to brave the Bingo/ Bar combination you would be well advised to keep a few things in mind. There are some people that take Bingo very, very seriously. Sit behind them. There are also people that will lose track of the numbers because they have been drinking since 9 am, and when they emerge into a moment of clarity they might realize they achieved bingo three calls prior to your shouting of “Bingo.” When they stand up, immediately scan their hands for sharp/blunt objects, then look into their eyes. If they begin to move toward you, don’t run. Instead, throw your arms above your head. If you have a coat furl it out...anything to make yourself appear larger than you are. If this doesn’t work, scream for help to the caller, who if he/she is worth their Bingo calling salt, will have a .12 gauge shotgun within reach, loaded with rock salt to down the beast before he can harm the other players. So, come one, come all...ye brave souls. Tempt fate, and in the process perhaps win a prize, that may seem small in size or monetary value, but is actually a symbol of your ability to successfully navigate the cruel and dangerous world of Bingo.

Saturday | APRIL 16th | 9:30 pm Squirrel's Tavern AIRY BIG OUTSIDE

Do you think people ever smoke marijuana before a Reggae show? I often wonder this. I realize it’s all about the music and intricacies of the rhythm and flow that represent a beautiful and exotic culture based on good vibes, but for the life of me, I always wonder if one of more of the musicians is stoned out of their mind on some really outstanding ganja. I am especially suspicious of bass players. Then, I see the crowd dancing about in strange, free form gyrations. There are blonde women with dread locks and hemp skirts, and extremely emaciated young men with closed eyes and wide smiles, tie-dyed T-shirts and extremely baggy pants. Then I think, NO!...you’re stereotyping these people. Just because they are dancing like shamans, doesn’t mean they are all stoned. That’s a stereotype, and stereotyping is for people from the Deep South. Free thinking West coast folk don’t,

8 • APRIL 12, 2011 • WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM

as a group, stereotype other people—do they? It is quite possible that they are just extremely, extremely happy with the instrumentation. Then I recall the sacred meaning that is attached to marijuana in Jamaica. I remember that most of the most famous Reggae musicians of all time were all open smokers of their “medicine,” and spread their message of love, peace, good vibes and great herb wherever they traveled. In Rastafarianism, smoking weed is a spiritual sacrament. So, could it be that some of these musicians at some point have experimented with cannabis? The possibility, no matter how remote, does exist. And you know what? I’m okay with that. I just hope they know that it’s a gateway drug and the U.S. government hasn’t studied it’s long term effects fully, so... you’re sort of rolling the dice with the herb. Anyway, if you want to experience some great Reggae music, regardless of your thoughts on ganja, head down to Squirrel’s Tavern on Saturday, April 16th. Big Outside will be playing a show at 9:30 pm. The cover is $3. What you do in your home prior to the show is your own business...or pleasure.

Sunday | APRIL 17th | 4 pm LBCC SNAP, THAT'S A GOOD DEAL

Ever been down to your last $6 bucks and needed something to eat? Your options are likely limited. You, like many Americans, would no doubt pass many fast food signs encouraging you to spend that last

$6 on a huge bucket of fried food, or three cheeseburgers. This is not healthy. This is what the American capitalist machine wants you to do. They want you to become obese and unhealthy so that they can charge you exorbitant amounts of money for diabetes treatments then force you to pay out of pocket because of a pre-existing condition on your mother’s side of the family. Once you pay for your health treatment you will probably be so broke that you’re only recourse to feed you and your family will be that large portion, super cheap trans-fatty acid laced glob of meat and cheese. Your $6 bucks will fall in with all the other $6 from around the globe and feed the bulging coffers of huge multinational conglomerate corporations. They will use that money to fund many election and re-election campaigns on the state and federal level so that they can keep you and your family nicely cozied in to the All American factory farm where we all spend our lives...waiting for the slaughter. Or.... You could sign up for the SNAP program, a program that strives to provide financial assistance to households struggling to afford food. Sunday, April 17th at 4 pm, LBCC will be hosting a Cajun Dinner Benefit for “That’s My Farmer SNAP Incentive Program.” Tickets are $39 in advance and $45 at the door. Chefs from all over the area will prepare Cajun delicacies for the feast. Best yet, it’s all for a great cause. Contact Cal Spencer Masterson at 541602-7279 for more information.

tuesday12

livemusic

Corvallis

SUNNYSIDE UP CAFÉ Celtic Jam, 7:00 pm, FREE [LISTEN/PLAY]

sing&dance

Albany

RILEY'S BAR & GRILL Cutting Edge Productions presents Throwback Thursday with DJ Tray, FREE [DANCE]

Corvallis

ELKS LODGE Beginner Line Dance 7:00 pm, $3 [DANCE] IMPULSE BAR Cuban Salsa 7:30 pm FREE [DANCE] PEACOCK BAR & GRILL Main Stage: Karaoke with Sqwig-e-okie, 9:00 pm, FREE [SING] UNITARIAN UNIVERSALIST FELLOWSHIP Fellowship Community Choir rehearsals, 7:00 pm, $50 for 12 week term [SING]

wednesday13

livemusic

Corvallis

BOMBS AWAY CAFÉ Ben Jordan from Boulder, CO, 7:30 pm, FREE [FOLK/ROOTS] CLOUD 9 LAKE, AgesAndAges, Bloody Twins, 9:00 pm [ROCK]

Tangent

DIXIE CREEK SALOON Blues Jam with Wild Bill, 7:00 pm [BLUES]

Albany

sing&dance

Eagles Lodge Albany Senior Dance, 1:30 - 3:30 pm, $3 [DANCE]

Corvallis

Lebanon

APPLEBEE’S Karaoke/Guitar Hero, 9:00 pm, FREE [SING] PETER GYSEGEM’S STUDIO Argentine tango classes, 7:15 pm, $5 [DANCE] PEACOCK BAR & GRILL Main Stage: Karaoke, 9:00 pm, FREE [SING]; On the Top: Western Wed 9:00 pm, [DANCE]

Halsey

MERLIN'S BAR & GRILL Karaoke, 9:00 pm [SING]

Lebanon

MERLIN'S BAR & GRILL Karaoke, 9:00 pm [SING] WOODY'S BAR & GRILL “Terry-oke” Karaoke with Terry Geil, 9:00 pm, FREE [SING]

stuff

Albany

LINN COUNTY EXPO 2011 Celebrate Hope: ABC House Fundraising Dinner, 5:30 pm, RSVP [BENEFIT]

Corvallis

APPLEBEE'S National Trivia Association Night, 9:00 pm, FREE BENTON HOSPICE Caring Conversations: Talking Frankly About End of Life Matters, 12:00 pm, FREE [LEARN] ENOTECA WINE BAR Girls night out! Knit night, 7:00 pm [SHE'S CRAFTY] GARLAND NURSERY Award Winning Author/Nurseryman Raymond Evison, 10:00 am, FREE [LEARN] STARKER ARTS PARK S.A.G.E. Volunteer Work Party, 3:00 pm [GARDEN]

stuff

Albany

LBCC SOUTH SANTIAM GALLERY Valley PhotoArts Guild and LBCC Poetry Club present “Words & Pictures,” 12:00 pm, FREE [RECEPTION]

Corvallis

BENTON COUNTY LIBRARY Charlotte Headrick, OSU Theater Arts, reviews “The Help,” by Kathryn Stockett, 12:00 pm, FREE [REVIEW] CLOUD 9 Beer and Blog, 5:00 pm, FREE [LAGER BLOGGER] CORVALLIS COMMUNITY ACUPUNCTURE Mommy & Me, 3:00 pm, $15-$35 [HEALTH] ENOTECA WINE BAR Cardwell Hill Cellars Wine Tasting, 7:00 pm, $10 [WINE] OSUSED DAY STORE Open for business, 12:00 pm – 3:00 pm OSU LASELLS STEWART NPR’s Philosophy Talk discuss “Latin-American Philosophy,” 7:30 pm, FREE [RADIO SHOW] WINESTYLES Beer Tasting, 5:30 pm, $5 [BEER ME]

ALCH 1/6 PAGE - 2.84" x 7"

ALC

– LIVE MUSIC THIS WEEK – WEDNESDAY

APRIL 13 7:30p | FREE

BEN JORDAN

THURSDAY

APRIL 14 8:00p | FREE

MONIKER

FRIDAY

APRIL 15 10p | FREE PHILLY'S PHUNKESTRA

SATURDAY

APRIL 16

[ROCK]

Wednesdeay | APRIL 13th | 7:30 pm

Ben Jordan Bombs Away Cafe

10p | $5 THE QUICK AND EASY BOYS

2527 NW Monroe

Corvallis, OR 541.757.7221 bombsawaycafe.com

contributed photo WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM • APRIL 12, 2011 • 9

friday15

livemusic

Albany

RHYTHM and BREWS CAFÉ Paul Lemoine (Lodestar) & The Road Home, 7:00 pm [COUNTRY FOLK] VENETIAN THEATER “The Ultimate Elvis Tribute Show,” feat. Justin Shandor, 10:00 pm, $25 [ELVIS]

Corvallis

BEANERY ON 2ND The Lucky Pups, 8:00 pm, FREE [JAZZ] BOMBS AWAY CAFÉ Philly’s Phunkestra, 10:00 pm, FREE [FUNK/SOUL] FIREWORKS Al Rivers, 8:00 pm, FREE [BLUES] OSU MU LOUNGE Music a la Carte: Mozart’s Magic Flutes, 12:00 pm, FREE [CLASSICAL]

Lebanon

DOWNTOWN DOG Larry Wiser and Friends, 7:00 pm, FREE [ACOUSTIC]

Tangent

DIXIE CREEK SALOON Wolfbeater, 9:00 pm [ROCK]

sing&dance

Albany

RILEY'S BAR & GRILL Cutting Edge Production presents Ladies Night with Dj Tray, FREE [DANCE]

Corvallis

CLOUD 9 Riot in the Clouds, 10:00 pm, FREE [DJ CHI DULY] CORVALLIS SENIOR CENTER Friday Night Dance by The Syncopators, 7:00 pm, $4 [DANCE] PEACOCK BAR & GRILL Main Stage: Karaoke, 9:00 pm [SING]; On the Top: DJ Heartburn, 9:00 pm, FREE [DANCE]

Halsey

WOODY'S BAR & GRILL “Terry-oke” karaoke with Terry Geil, 9:00 pm, FREE [SING]

[COUNTRY]

Thursday | APRIL 14th | 7:00 pm

Oregon Valley Boys Dixie Creek Saloon in Tangent

thursday14

Contributed Photo

livemusic

Albany

Lebanon

DUFFY'S IRISH PUB Karaoke, 10:00 pm, FREE [SING] MERLIN'S BAR & GRILL Karaoke, 9:00 pm [SING]

Albany

stuff

ALBANY REGIONAL MUSEUM The History of the Button, 2:00 pm, $5 [BUTTON UP]

Corvallis

FIRST ALT COOP SOUTH Wine tasting, 5:00 pm [WINE ME] MAJESTIC THEATRE 32nd Annual Oregon Dance Concert, 7:30 pm, $12 [DANCE] OSU MU BALLROOM PeaceJam NW Conference: Nobel Peace Prize Winner Rigoberta Menchu Tum, 7:00 pm OSU VALLEY LIBRARY Poet Major Jackson, 7:30 pm, FREE [POETRY READING] WINESTYLES Friday Flights, 5:00 pm [WINE]

Contributed Photo

CALAPOOIA BREWING Wild Hog in the Woods, 7:30 pm, FREE [STRINGBAND] CHASERS Lucky Pups, 7:30 pm, FREE [JAZZ]

Corvallis

BOMBS AWAY CAFÉ Moniker + Renfield and Moses Maxwell, 8:00 pm, FREE [FOLK/JAZZ] FIREWORKS Performers Spotlight: Erika Gabonay and Karl Smiley, 8:00 pm [ACOUSTIC]

Lebanon

DOWNTOWN DOG Chris & Friends, 6:00 pm, FREE [ACOUSTIC] PEACOCK BAR & GRILL EAST Blues Jam, 7:00 pm, FREE [BLUES]

Tangent

DIXIE CREEK SALOON Oregon Valley Boys, 7:00 pm [COUNTRY]

Albany

sing&dance

EAGLES LODGE Line dance, 7:00 pm, $4 [DANCE]

Corvallis

PEACOCK BAR & GRILL Main Stage: Karaoke, 9:00 pm [SING]; On the Top: DJ Mike, 9:00 pm, FREE [DANCE]

Lebanon

MERLIN'S BAR & GRILL Karaoke, 9:00 pm [SING]

Corvallis

stuff

BENTON COUNTY LIBRARY Dave Metz: Hike Across Brooks Range, Alaska, 7:00 pm, FREE [LECTURE] CHS MAIN STAGE Art of the Imagination: Vegas Magic, 7:00 pm, $10 [BENEFIT] CLOUD 9 CORE Freeride Presents: “Who is J.O.B.” Redbull Movie Premier, 9:00 pm [FILM] DOWNWARD DOG Oakshire Brewing Bingo Night, 9:00 pm [FUN] ENOTECA WINE BAR Chocolate Truffle Thursdays, 6:00 pm, FREE [YUMMERS] FIRST ALT COOP NORTH Wine Tasting, 5:00 pm [BEER ME] WINESTYLES Latah Creek Wine Tasting, 5:30 pm, $5 [WINE ME]

www.thealchemistweekly.com

www.thealchemistweekly.com 10 • APRIL 12, 2011 • WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM

[LISTEN/LEARN]

Friday | APRIL 15th | 7:00 pm

Peace Jam NW

OSU MU BALLROM

GET R ADS YOUHERE! IN ads@thealchemistweekly.com

Albany

livemusic

CALAPOOIA BREWING The Peculiar Pretzelmen, 8:00 pm, FREE [BLUES FOLK]

Corvallis

BOMBS AWAY CAFÉ The Quick and Easy Boys, 10:00 pm, FREE [GARAGE-SOUL] CLOUD 9 Space Neighbors, 10:00 pm [FUNK] FIREWORKS Kef, 8:00 pm, FREE [BALKAN INT’L FOLK MUSIC] SQUIRREL’S TAVERN Big Outside, 9:30 pm, $3 [REGGAE] TROUBADOUR MUSIC CENTER Adam Scamstad and James Wilson, 8:00 pm, $5-$10 [BLUES]

Tangent

DIXIE CREEK SALOON Ed to Shred w Fungi, 9:00 pm [ROCK]

Albany

sing&dance

RILEY'S BAR & GRILL Cutting Edge Production presents DJ Tray, FREE [DANCE]

Corvallis

CORVALLIS DANCE CENTER CENTER Beginning Ballroom Lessons, 3:00 pm, Intermediate West Coast Swing Lessons, 4:00 pm, Beginning West Coast Swing, 6:00 pm [DANCE] PEACOCK BAR & GRILL On the Top: DJ Heartburn, 9:00 pm, FREE [DANCE] FCC GATTON HALL Corvallis Folklore Society Contra Dance feat. Full Moon with Eric Curl, 8:00 pm, $7 [DANCE] ODDFELLOWS HALL Swing and Blues Dance, Lesson at 7:00 pm, Dance at 8:00 pm, $5 [DANCE]

Lebanon

DUFFY'S IRISH PUB Karaoke, 10:00 pm, FREE [SING] MERLIN'S BAR & GRILL Karaoke, 9:00 pm [SING]

Albany

stuff

CITY HALL Albany Farmer’s Market, 9:00 am – 1:00 pm, FREE [MARKET]

Corvallis

ARTS CENTER Between the Cracks: Dan Joseph, 7:00 pm, FREE to Students, $10 [ELECTRONIC/DULCIMER] BENTON COUNTY FAIRGROUNDS Indoor Winter Market, 9:00 am, FREE [MARKET] ENOTECA WINE BAR Saketini Saturdays, 3:00 pm [SAKE-TO-ME] DOWNTOWN CORVALLIS Annual Procession of the Species Parade, 12:00 pm, [PARADE] DOWNTOWN FIRST ST Corvallis Farmer’s Market, 9:00 am to 1:00 pm, FREE [MARKET] Corvallis Artisan’s Market, 9:00 am – 2:00 pm [CRAFTS] GARLAND NURSERY Potting Party, 11:00 am, FREE [GARDENING] WINESTYLES Tasting Wines from Washington State, 4:00 [WINE]

Lebanon

sunday17 Albany

livemusic

CALAPOOIA BREWING Blues Jam, 4:00 pm [BLUES] FIREWORKS Cloud Mountain Ramblers, 8:00 pm, FREE [STRINGBAND] NOVAK'S HUNGARIAN RESTAURANT Strings of Time, 6:00 pm, FREE [FOLK]

Corvallis

FIREWORKS The Infallible Collective, 8:00 pm, FREE [JAZZ] OSU LA SELLS STEWART Ryo Yanagitani, 4:00 pm, $25 [PIANO]

Tangent

DIXIE CREEK SALOON Acoustic Jam, 7:00 pm, Bluegrass Jam, 7:00 pm, FREE [iPlay]

Corvallis

To be considered for a calendar listing, notice of events must be received in writing by noon on Tuesday, two weeks before publication. Send to calendar@thealchemistweekly.com. For photo consideration please attach high resolution images with proper photo credit.

PEACOCK BAR & GRILL Main Stage: Karaoke with Sqwig-e-okie, 9:00 pm [SING]

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sing&dance

30. Eight, in espaÒol 31. Gas in some signs 32. Eee PC maker 33. Where to find super-young chicks 37. Mount Logan territory 38. Have obligations 41. Chrome alternative 42. Come before 43. ___ XING 45. “Prefontaine” or “Capote” 46. Telephone panel 49. Shenanigan 50. Folk artist Grandma 51. Patron saint of Norway 52. Chop down 53. Ambiguously gay Russian pop duo 55. “Confound it!” 58. ___ Lanka 59. DiFranco of song

Down 1. Things at the heart of a 2008 financial crisis: Abbr. 2. It’s wasted on the young 3. Wakeboarder’s cousin 4. Ctrl + ___ + Del 5. Surveying tool shaped like a letter 6. Litter creatures 7. Tom Arnold’s simpleton family, in a 1996 comedy 8. Barack Obama’s former body 9. ìFor shame!î 10. “Indubitably!” 11. ___ Major 12. Object of adoration 13. Microsoft media player 18. Sparks again, as a love affair 22. Kill, ‡ la god 24. Certain bar brew, for short 26. Like bar codes 28. Prof ’s helpers 29. Scatters throughout

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Difficulty: Easy Contributed Photo

Lebanon

MERLIN'S BAR & GRILL Karaoke, 9:00 pm [SING]

Corvallis

stuff

LBCC Cajun Dinner Benefit for “That’s My Farmer SNAP Incentive Program,” 4:00 pm, $45 [EAT FOR A CAUSE]

Corvallis

ELKS CLUB Pokemon League, 2:00 – 4:00 pm, FREE [GAMES] ENOTECA WINE BAR Saketini Sunday, 3:00 pm [DRINK] GARLAND NURSERY New and Unusual Veggies and Annuals for 2011, 1:00 pm [GARDEN] Succulent Wreath and Planter Demo/Build Your Own, 3:00 pm [GARDEN] LBCC PERFORMANCE CENTER The Silk Road: A Journey through Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan, 2:00 pm [FILM]

monday18

Corvallis

stuff

FIREWORKS Southtown Talent Search: The Acoustic Showdown, 9:00 pm [LISTEN/PLAY] INTERSECTOR WORKSPACE 37 Cents Artists and Musicians Community Group Meeting, 6:00 pm [COLLECTIVE] PEACOCK BAR & GRILL Main Stage: Karaoke with Sqwig-e-okie, 9:00 pm [SING]

Lebanon

MERLIN'S BAR AND GRILL Karaoke, FREE [SING]

[BLUES/FOLK]

Friday | APRIL 16th | 9:00 pm

The Peculiar Pretzelmen Calapooia Brewing

WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM • APRIL 12, 2011 • 11

sudoku-puzzles.net

SANTIAM PLACE EVENT HALL Indoor Flea Market and Tack Trunk Buy-Swap-Sell, 9:00 am – 4:00 pm [MARKET] WILLAMETTE SPEEDWAY DAA NW Extreme Late Models, Modified, Sportsman, Classic, 6:00 pm, $14 [RACE DAY]

Across 1. Sinatra song people are sometimes killed for singing at karaoke in the Philippines 6. “Hey ... kid” 10. Thing popped in school 14. “And ___ a good night!” 15. Native Coloradans 16. Language for Pakistan’s Daily Jang 17. Member of a certain homeless subculture 19. Airs 20. Touriste season 21. Iconic scooter brand 22. Like many a crossword clue for the word OREO, or like old Oreos 23. Pierce the air 25. “Open the door, dude ...” 27. Narrow ring outcome 32. Paul who wrote 1-Across 34. “The World is Yours” emcee 35. Pronto 36. Due tripled 37. What hash marks represent on a football field: Abbr. 38. Binary code number 39. However, casually 40. Of service 42. Dominate, as a noob 43. Indebted laborer 44. Person who’s really crossed the line 47. O’Donnell who started out on “Gimme a Break!” 48. Total craziness 51. How some people update their Facebook status 54. In a weird way 56. Mayo is 1/12 of it 57. Symbol on a stoner’s shirt 58. Repair shop’s stock 60. Choir voice 61. Hayworth pined for in “The Shawshank Redemption” 62. MacDowell of the “Footloose” remake 63. Constant change 64. “Law & Order: SVU” star 65. Projectiles in a golf variant

Inkwell Crosswords by Ben Tausig

saturday16

Starting Rolls

WORD

THE ENFORCER She doesn't want to give you the boot. But she will. Words by AYLA ROGERS Photos by JESSE BEAM

hances are—if you’re fortunate enough to boast an Oregon State driver’s license—any mention of city parking enforcement officers doesn’t exactly give you that warm fuzzy feeling. Maybe you’re miffed about a slew of past parking tickets, or maybe you’re just fed up with feeding ravenous parking meters—either way, you may be suppressing a few choice words for your friendly neighborhood parking enforcement. Before you let loose your tongue and a fit of fury, I urge you to get better acquainted with one of your local officers, a woman of immense compassion and understanding. Officer Kathleen Begin-Wasco is the kind of woman you’d feel honored to call a neighbor, a coworker, or a friend. Sensitive, charismatic, and conscientious, she may not fit your paradigmatic notion of what a parking enforcement officer is like, but perhaps she should, because she’s the real thing.

blithely refer to them—don’t get the jollies from writing you up. In fact, Begin-Wasco nearly expresses elation at the prospect of writing fewer tickets. “Back when I was just getting started, my trainer used to tell me that if I’m doing my job well, my ticket count will go down because I’m effectively educating the public,” Begin-Wasco said. In reality, parking enforcement usually has much more significant mischief to manage than catching you at an expired meter. One goaded campus parker posted a ranting internet blog in which she said, “it seems like the meter maids have it in for us, it seems like i [sic] always get a ticket even if im [sic] just like 5 minutes over the limit… that sucks!!!” I showed Officer Begin-Wasco this posting, certain she’d be as appalled at the whining, blubbery tone of the complaint as I was, but instead, BeginWasco surprised me. She expressed sympathy for the distressed student, and admitted that those sorts of close calls are unfortunate. Begin-Wasco lamented, “We don’t know how long ago the meter expired. It’s unfortunate that we can’t see that, but we just don’t have that capability.”

I had the privilege—in fact, the pleasure—of interviewing Begin-Wasco about her very important—though often under appreciated—line of work. What does it feel like to come to work everyday and do Begin-Wasco earnestly assured me, howthe very best job she can, only to find a ever, that she and her fellow officers are by handful of Corvallis drivers who wish she’d no means “out to get” Corvallis parkers. be a little more remiss? Contrary to popular “We have the whole city to patrol. We don’t misconception, our local parking enforcejust sit there waiting for meters to expire. ment officers—“meter maids,” as some still 12 • APRIL 12, 2011 • WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM

A lot of people think we have ticket quotas to fill, but that really isn’t the case. Our jobs involve so much more than just writing tickets,” she said. Indeed, Begin-Wasco informed me her job also entails keeping abandoned vehicles off the street, tracking down stolen vehicles, even searching for lost children and elderly citizens. She chuckled when she said, “Quite often we’re helping people find their cars because they can’t remember where they’ve parked. It sounds funny, but it’s true.” In conducting my preliminary research on parking enforcement, I Googled the antiquated term “meter maids” to see what kind of pop-culture references I might happen upon. Sure enough, I was reminded of The Beatles’ classic “Lovely Rita,” in which a smitten singer affectionately recalls: Standing by a parking meter, when I caught a glimpse of Rita Filling in a ticket in her little white book. In a cap she looked much older, And the bag across her shoulder Made her look a little like a military man. I asked Begin-Wasco how she felt about this playful reference to her line of work. She smiled sweetly and told me, “People in their 40s and 50s, [also those most familiar with the song,] they still call us ‘meter maids,’ and sometimes they’ll come up to

me and sing me that song—it’s cute, and I take no offense.” She added that sometimes as she’s walking along, she’ll overhear someone call her “Lovely Rita.” Surely, in Begin-Wasco’s line of work, there are many less flattering nicknames she could have earned, but her positive public report is no doubt a direct product of her amiable demeanor and tact in dealing with potentially explosive situations. “I’ve been very fortunate to work with people who are able to do their jobs without escalating difficult situations,” Begin-Wasco says. “You don’t have to be hard-nosed about it in order to do a good job,” she explains. “It’s not all black and white—there’s room for understanding.” So, as a courteous driver, what all should you keep in mind when you’re picking a parking spot, particularly if you’d like to avoid a citation? Some of the regulations may not be as obvious as you think. For instance, parking on your own lawn, blocking your own driveway, parking for more than 15 minutes in an ally, blocking the sidewalk, and parking in a bike lane, are all illegal. However, there is at least one regulation in Corvallis you’ll want to remember. If find the meter out of order, it is permissible to leave a note, either on the meter or your windshield, informing officers that the meter is broken.

WORD “There was this one guy,” she recalled, “who had a laminated ‘meter broken’ sign propped up in his windshield. I had seen that same sign in the same vehicle for several days now, parked at various meters around town. I try not to be judgmental, but it was beginning to seem a little curious.” One day, Begin-Wasco pulled out some change to test the meter herself, and sure enough, it was in perfect working order. “So I left him a little note,” she said with a grin, “and I never saw that laminated sign again.” While you may think that kind of attempt at deception would really grind her gears, Begin-Wasco seems largely unscathed by the incident. “I try not judge his intentions. Everyone’s unique and dealing with a unique set of circumstances.” According to Begin-Wasco, that kind of understanding is something of a unit policy. “We’re very careful about who we hire—we need people who can be very sensitive to the situations of individuals.” Begin-Wasco recalls seeing a mom running down the street with her young children. The woman was frantic, hurried, and trying to reach the parking meter before Begin-Wasco, "Being pulled along like that, her kids fell down and got all scraped up. When we caught up to each other, I helped get the kids cleaned up and bandaged. I told her never to run like that with her

kids again. ‘Just flag one of us down,’ I said, ‘we’re reasonable people.’” Even the most even-keeled people can experience situations that can tip them over the edge. “[On] my worst day,” Begin-Wasco recalls, “someone tried to run me over because they didn’t like that I gave them a ticket. I’ve had people get in my face and scream and yell at me, but that’s just part of the job. I have to expect it. It’s a little like going to the dentist,” she said. “It’s not that they want, or like, to cause you pain, but in order to care for your teeth, sometimes it’s something they have to do.” The worst parking situation, BeginWasco admits, is the sheer number of vehicles on OSU game days. Many times, these vehicles will take up space in driveways belonging to students. “I have to give the students a lot of credit on game days. They’re very understanding that parking is bad, even when it means there’s someone blocking their driveway,” Begin-Wasco says. Even though a tow would be appropriate for the misbehaving vehicles, for the most part, the students don’t demand it. Corvallis' parking enforcement officers strive to educate the public in order to prevent violations. Questions and inquiries regarding the enforcement of parking laws and regulations are welcome. The can be reached at 541.766.6729 ext. 5610.

“Back when I was just getting started, my trainer used to tell me that if I’m doing my job well, my ticket count will go down because I’m effectively educating the public.”

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WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM • APRIL 12, 2011 • 13

Coyote Kate

20 11●

WEEKLY A

LOGER O R ST

dom aspect, then your choice is wiskill. If you need to work on ability to do it, then skilldom will be your mantra for this cross quarter Virgo.

, 2 1 il ●Apr

Aries (March 21-April 19): A fellow Aries dreamed of a toilet plunger and shrink wrap. Now, one is used for ejection to an ailing or quirky apparatus that can not move naturally, and the other for holding things tightly together. Given the opposition of the items dreamed of, I’d say a middle ground is warranted. Watch the flushing process of anything you do while compressing things that need to stay together.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): A form of grafting includes split ends. What they are trying to do is branch out on their own, resulting in a wild bush look-alike. It’s a natural process, right? Splitting hairs might get you somewhere Taurus, but not exactly where you want to be. Condition yourself for new growth instead. Gemini (May 21-June 20): As the blossoms fall to the Earth, they will aid in the generation of the trees. Be reminded Gemini of Lebanese poet, Khalil Gibran’s words, “Life without love is like a tree without blossoms and fruit.” Remind yourself of the fruit of this life of yours now. And, if you don’t have enough, propagate new limbs. Cancer ( June 21-July 22): Willows, those graceful water beings, are the first to sprout leaves in spring, and the last to hold onto them in the fall. From them we receive relief from pain medicinally. As the Celtic tree month of Willow starts on the 15th, gather your favorite memory of these flexible, multi-dimensional trees, to heighten your senses of the Moon’s shift into full on Sunday. Leo ( July 23-Aug. 22): Do we fight because, in reality, we really are happy, but bored with it? Are you happy, bored of it, and fighting about it? Define your place of happiness and work creatively to change it up if need be. Set aside boredom. Spring provides plenty of opportunity to regenerate a new definition. Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Oh, ardent bee: Skilldom or wiskill (say it really fast)? Do you have skilldom? I haven’t decided upon the appropriate word synthesis to match the old adage, “Wisdom is knowing what to do. Skill is having the ability to do it.” If you need to work on the wis-

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): Currently, our historical context of authentic honesty doesn’t exist. We live in the 15-minute approach to fame and thus it filters down, feeds us raw garbage which we eat lavishly. Be a fisher of men and women, Libra. Bring in nets of authenticity to our shores as Captain of the Beach.

Sheepdawg TV

Episode II Launch paRTY PARTY saturday april 16TH

Murphy’s TaVERN 9:30 pm

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): I tried finding bark dust around my dog’s mouth, but realized my mind, trickster that it is, was still in the laughing planet mode of April 1st. Sneak your own version of bark dust into all places that could use some mirth Scorpio. Giggle with the tulips. Play ring around the rosy with lighthearted glee. Celebrate raindrops on chickens and the in-between colors of rainbows. Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): With Mercury being retrograde, causing well-laid plan catapults, and the big planets Jupiter and Saturn lined up for a rush of new events, one must keep in mind Tolstoy’s words, “The two most powerful warriors are patience and time.” A spring petal passes to hardness, Sag.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Last Moon was Storm Moon. This Moon, Wind Moon. On the brink we are Capricorn of an interesting lineup in astrology. It’s like standing on the edge of an abyss of the past, tensed to leap across into the future, but because Mercury is retrograde, the timing for the leap has got to be just right. Don’t teeter. Use the Wind Moon and the concept of riding on air to hoist you across, feeling and accepting everything from the depths as you fly into the future to a new adventure. Aquarius ( Jan. 20-Feb.18): Once upon a time, I got stuck on a ferry. A knight did show up, but the current proved to be too swift for his mighty steed. He tried bringing in another ferry, but it got stuck in the tale too. The princess, Queen, King, or troops did not show up. Seems they were busy in other stories. Sometimes a hero is truly alone, but that’s the learning part of the journey. Don your armor with aplomb Water Bearer. Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Devise your own ode to winter, Pisces. It might go something like this: Grateful I am to have survived the icy winds which have moved on. Blessed be to those who did not and to their families. Hope, burn deep in my heart and in the hearts and minds of every woman, child and man on the Earth so that we may find peace with each other. Let me bask in the glory of the Sun with the knowledge that winter’s nap allows the flora to flourish once again. So be it. Add your personal concoctions.

14 • APRIL 12, 2011 • WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM

SheepDawg TV was created by Jordan Lucas and Tomas Correia in 2011. The project is directed towards connecting the Heart of the Valley and the Great Northwest with an inside look at the talented and professional artists in our local area. We are a YouTube based TV show and will be airing a ten minute episode once a month. We also provide advertising for local and small businesses. Check us out on YouTube and SUPPORT THE SHRED! Photo by Mark Conahan Rider Joesf Lindstrom

LITERATI The tattooed man sighs. “Don’t waste our bullets. One each.” Before the last word escapes his mouth, seven shots ring out, echoing down the valley until being absorbed into a silence too consuming to be natural. … Long after the light had let out of the western sky, the tattooed man and his students finished filling 18 holes in the earth with bodies and rain weary soil. The Southtown guard had filed 16 more. In general the citizens of Corvallis had become familiar enough with the finer points of ashes-to-ashes that they gave little thought to the matter, but tonight was different. A wild party was in progress in the streets of downtown; long-cached bottles of cider and wine were let loose, honoring the defeat of the infidels and the glory of the victorious dead. Pipes and paper flared in the night, like the eyes of wild beasts, slowing hearts and opening minds. Lips mingle, hands are clasped, and all across light and laughter unfurls as the people celebrate the renewal of their tenuous hold on life, as they want it. In all of this, the tattooed man sits apart, with a roaring fire at his feet casting a shadow wide and foreboding across the side of a building that once housed one of many American dreams. His daughter, Kiley, heady with herbal inspiration slips loose of her companions and settles beside him. After a long silence she says, “We won.” The tattoo man nods, lighting a pipe of his own. “We did.” Long draughts of smoke soar across the air before him, a hint of cinnamon now rising above the crackling pine on the fire before them. Kiley stares into the dancing flames, “They’ll be back, though, huh?” she says, tugging her sleeves down over her fists. When she looks up at her father, he doesn’t return her gaze; instead he follows the smoke rising into the air from the end of his pipe. “Yes,” he mumbles. “Now that they know there’s something here worth killing for, they’ll want it.” Sighing, he tosses another stick onto the fire. “Even if it’s only a few turnips, a handful of guns, and-” Kiley watches her father close his mouth so hard he bites his tongue. She slowly turns and stares once again into the fire. “And our women,” she says, flatly, finishing his thought. The tattooed man puts his arm around Kiley, pulling her closer, but offers no denial of the truth. Stories haunted the small towns of the Mid-Willamette valley of rape gangs and specialized squads called “Midnighters”, their presence in an area signaled only by the screams of family at first light upon finding empty beds. “Is this the end?” Kiley says, her voice small. The tattooed man turns her face towards his with a rough finger and shakes his head. “No. We’ve weathered worse than this before. A few tanks they’ll bring, maybe a hundred men.” As Kiley lays her head on his chest, the tattooed man strokes her hair as his mind drifts backwards. “In the beginning, so many were lost. When everything they had stood on, for so long, fell apart, they went mad. Thousands fled, only to find their deaths on the highways or in the cities as the streets swelled into chaos. Others…others just walked into the forest, never seen again.” The tattooed man swallowed hard; though Kiley had been too young to remember it, her mother had done

CONTINUED FROM P. 7 just that. “But many, many others blamed whoever they hated, whoever they felt had wronged, or was wrong. And, without the rules…we found killing again, as easily as seedlings stretch to the sun.” Kiley pulls herself closer to her father, drowsy with the warmth of the fire and wavering heaviness of the good leaf, now abundant in backyard gardens. The tattooed man’s eyes grow wide, the contents of his own pipe settling across his mind. “Despite philosophy, despite art, despite love songs and apple pie, despite double talk and the NAACP, despite all our pride and so-called social progress, once the Man fell flat on his face...so did we. Fat, lazy and fearful, we paid for our weakness, in blood. So much blood.” Orange and red leaps within the black of the tattooed man’s eyes, weary with age and weathering storms, many more of which lay just ahead. Kiley’s eyes are closed now, her mind having slipped blessedly free of the world. The tattooed man lowers his voice to a whisper as he watches her sleep. “We could run, you know? Follow your mother into the forest, forget the last things we know about the world, and just live out whatever’s left away, away from all the crumbling remains. Otherwise…I think we will die.” The truth at last out of his mouth, the tattooed man closes his eyes to the fire. “We are the revolution, daddy.” Kiley mumbles, half-asleep. “And the revolution never dies.” The tattooed man rocks his daughter back to sleep beside a dying fire, silent tears slipping down over his cheeks until he slips into a restless sleep, dreaming of the fire and blood in this future called now.

honey

let's go out

Corvallis

Aqua Seafood Restaurant & Bar 151 NW Monroe Ave. 541.752.0262

Albany

The Beanery on 2nd

Albany Civic Theater

500 SW 2nd St 541.753.7442

Alleyoop Lounge

101 NW Jackson Ave. 541.757.0694

111 First Ave. SW 541.928.4603 901 Pacific Blvd 541.941.0977

Bogey’s Bar & Grill

129 W 1st Ave. 541.929.8900

Calapooia Brewing

140 Hill St. NE 541.928.1931

Cappies Brewhouse

211 1st Ave W 541.926.1710

Cascade Grill

110 Opal St. NW 541.926.3388

Chasers Bar & Grill

Big River Restaurant & Bar Block 15

300 SW Jefferson Ave. 541.758.2077

Bombs Away Café 2527 NW Monroe Ave. 541.757.7221

China Delight Restaurant 325 NW 2nd St. 541.753.3753

Clodfelter’s

435 SE 2nd Ave 541928.9634

1501 NW Monroe Ave. 541.758.4452

Dixie Creek Saloon

Cloud 9

32994 Hwy 99E, Tangent, OR 541.926.2767

Favorite Mistake Sports Bar

5420 Pacific Blvd. 541.903.0034

Front Street Bar

2300 Northeast Front Ave. 541.926.2739

GameTime Sports Bar & Grill 2211 Waverly Dr. SE 541.981.2376

Humpty’s Dump Bar & Grill

916 Old Salem Rd NE 541.926.3111

JP’s Restaurant & Lounge

220 2nd Ave. 541.926.5546

Lariat Lounge 901 Pacific Blvd SE 541.928.2606

Linger Longer Tavern

145 SW Main St. 541.926.2174

Lucky Larrys Lounge 1296 S Commercial Way SE 541.928.3654

Riley’s Billiards Bar & Grill 124 Broadalbin St SW 541.926.2838

Wilhelm’s Spirits & Eatery 1520 Pacific Blvd SE 541.926.7001

126 SW 1st St. 541.753.9900

Crowbar

214 SW 2nd St. 541.753.7373

Murphy’s Tavern

2740 SW 3rd St. 541.738. 7600

Papa’s Pizza

1030 S.W. Third St. 541.757.2727

Peacock Bar & Grill

125 SW 2nd St. 541.754.8522

Squirrel’s

100 SW 2nd St. 541.753.8057

Sunnyside Up Café

116 NW 3rd St 541.758.3353

Suds & Suds

1045 NW Kings Blvd. 541.758.5200

Troubadour

521 SW 2nd St. 541.752.7720

Tyee Wine Cellars 26335 Greenberry Rd. 541.753.8754

Wanted Saloon 140 NW 3rd St.

WineStyles

2333 N.W. Kings Blvd. 541.738.9463

Lebanon

Darrell’s Restaurant & Lounge

Artisian’s Well Lounge

DEL Alma

Cornerstone Café & Pub

2200 NW 9th St. 541.752.6364 136 SW Washington Ave, Ste. 102 - 541.753.2222

Downward Dog

130 SW 1st St. 541.753.9900

Enoteca Wine Bar

136 SW Washington Ave. 541.758.9095

Fireworks Restaurant & Bar 1115 SE 3rd 541.754.6958

Flat Tail Pub

202 SW 1st St. 541.758.2219

Greenberry Store & Tavern

29974 HWY 99W 541.752.3796

Harrison Bar & Grill 550 NW Harrison Blvd. 541.754.1017

Impulse

2250 South Main Rd. 541.451.3900

180 S 5th St. 541.847.6262

Duffy’s Irish Pub 679 South Main St. 541.259.2906

Fire Pit Lounge

2230 South Santiam Hwy 541.451.2010

GameTime Sports Bar & Grill

3130 South Santiam Hwy 541.570.1537

Merlin’s Bar & Grill 25 W. Sherman St. 541.258.6205

Peacock Bar & Grill East

76 E. Sherman St. 541.451.2027

Sports Shack & Deli

1250 Grant St. 541.259.0800

Philomath

1425 NW Monroe Ave. 541.230.1114

High 5 Sports Bar & Grill

La Bamba Mix Night Club

Meet’n Place Tavern

126 SW 4th St. 541.207.3593

Luc

134 SW 4th St. 541.753.4171

1644 Main St.-541.929.7529 1150 Mian St. 541.929.3130

Wine Vault

1301 Main St. 541.929.8496

Wing Sing Restaurant & Lounge 658 Main St. 541.929.6255

WWW.THEALCHEMISTWEEKLY.COM • APRIL 12, 2011 • 15

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