We’ll Save The Empire

Loyal subjects of the East have vowed to host the 2026 Commonwealth Games after the treasonous Victorians failed to show two ancient British institutions the respect they deserve.

The sporting homage to the Empire will begin with a Welcome to Country at La Perouse. The fashionably late French delegation will arrive just in time to watch the English representatives endure the smoking ceremony with colonial contempt, before the final leg of the baton relay travels from Kingsford to the Sydney Football Stadium. Sydney’s Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras has been appropriated for the baton relay to ensure an audience.

A $3.5 billion opening ceremony will feature cringeworthy performances by Her Excellence Mrs Linda Hurley, and the extravaganza launches the following unmissable sporting contests to be held throughout the region...

• Marathoners will run the City2Surf in the elite group, the B group and then the back of the pack club. In order to level the playing field, and to honour Prince Phillip (RIP), African runners will be forced to wear Havaianas.

• Athletes will run, jump and throw at Queens Park, once the Waverley boys have been dispersed, and loud speakers will broadcast the late Doug Ricketson yelling, “…this one’s for the money.”

• Divers will hurl themselves off the square at Clovelly Beach, or the rocks between Bronte and Tama after pushing the grommets out of the way, while synchronised swimmers will return to their birthplace of Bronte Pool. Swimmers will race at Cloey and will be disqualified unless they can return to the concrete using only the swell.

• Cyclists will force a car-free fortnight in Centennial Park and social media pages will prove a correlation between cycling haters and monarchists.

• Netballers will fight for gold at the Heffron Centre, once the Rabbitohs have finished their training sessions, and barefoot bowls at Clovelly will attract the likes of Greg Norman and his fans, after which the friendly local club will be converted into an oil-funded monstrosity.

Athletes will be housed in the Duke of Gloucester, or any hotel with a royal moniker, while team officials can erect a cabana on one of our beautiful beaches.

Our own plastic-wrapped Murdoch mouthpiece can spend 14 days lambasting Dictator Dan, while running gushing wall-to-wall tributes to both anachronistic British institutions.

A $3.5 billion closing ceremony will feature artists who refused to perform at Charlie’s coronation, as well as a rousing rendition of Royals by Kiwi vocalist Lorde. It will finish at 9pm in order to disperse the crowds and ensure the SFS neighbours can enjoy a good night’s sleep.

We of the East will thus have saved these two ailing institutions and will have seen off those nasty republicans for good.