Michaelmas 2015 Issue 2

Corporate Cambridge

Emily Maitlis:

Bake Off Special

Do big-money firms have a hold on our career prospects?

The glass ceiling in broadcast journalism

An interview with Sue Perkins, and filling the Bake-Off void

→ Comment, pp.16-17

→Part 2, p.3

→ Interviews, p.14

The

Cambridge Student

15 October 2015 Vol. 17 Michaelmas Issue 2 www.tcs.cam.ac.uk

TOM DORRINGTON

Uni under pressure to foster at risk academics Stevie Hertz and Elsa Maishman News Editors Cambridge University is facing calls to accept academics at risk of persecution in their home country, following the revelation that Oxford has currently taken in at least four.

Cambridge is not currently hosting anyone through the Council for at risk Academics (CARA), despite the fact that in ‘‘recent years’’ it has hosted four such academics from abroad.

Brendan Mahon, a PhD student at St Edmund’s College, has launched a campaign to encourage his College and the University as a whole to accept more at-risk academics.

Speaking to The Cambridge Student, Mahon said “this a small, concrete thing that can actually help [an academic] and their family.”

Other students have also called to accept more at-risk academics, saying “Cambridge is one of the richest universities in Europe and frankly [not taking at-risk academics] is a declination of its moral responsibility”.

When contacted, the University was not yet available to comment.

Stephen Wordsworth, the executive director of CARA, which organises the hosting of academics, said CARA is “not concerned”, commenting that “Cambridge recently had four Fellows, which was great, but these things come and go, people move on”.

However, Wordsworth went on to say that it would be ‘‘useful’’ for Cambridge to follow Oxford and create a mechanism to allow all colleges to to set out what they can do individually, and which can provide places and funds with support from the University as a whole.

CARA currently supports 140 academics across 60 institutions.

However, they have 100 academics actively seeking placement, two thirds of whom are Syrian.

Continued on page 8 →

Rise in homelessness pushes services to limit Colm Murphy and Anna Carruthers Investigations Editor and Deputy

A

s World Homeless Day was marked this week, rising homelessness in Cambridge has put the city council and voluntary sector under increasing strain.

Leader of the city council and Labour councillor for Coleridge, Lewis Herbert, spoke to The Cambridge Student, saying that homeless figures “have mushroomed in the past year”.

As Cambridge News reported on 21 May, recorded homelessness has risen by 41 per cent. There were 262 cases of people or families reporting as homeless to the city council in

2014/15. In 2013/14 it was 186.

A spokesperson for Homeless Link, the national homeless membership charity told TCS: “By any objective standard homelessness appears to be rising.” The official rough sleeping figures nationally have risen by 55% since 2010; Cambridge peaked in 2012 but is still above the 2010 figure. He added that currently, in the East of England, there are increasing numbers of rough sleepers who are migrants.

Rising pressure is being felt by local charities, including Jimmy’s Night Shelter and Cambridge Cyrenians shelters, drop-in centre Wintercomfort, and student society

Streetbite. Wintercomfort’s Services Manager James Martin spoke to TCS: “We have felt the rise in demand for our service over the past few years.”

He said average daily attendance in September has risen from 45 people in 2013, with a maximum of 62, to 65 average and 79 maximum in 2015.

“The effect this has had on our ability to deliver a service has been difficult.”

Jane Heeney, Services Development Manager at Jimmy’s, told TCS: “We have seen a gradual rise, especially amongst younger people, women and people in employment.”

Homeless Link said: “Throughout England these rises and the increased

need for services have coincided with reduced funding to homelessness services from local authorities facing unprecedented budget squeezes.” It costs Jimmy’s £1,400 a day to run their shelter, which has been running since 1995, and a chunk of that cost is funded purely through donations.

They are a 22 room facility.

The Cyrenians, meanwhile, are housing over 70 homeless men and women, and possess 24% of all temporary beds in Cambridge, according to their website.

Continued on page 4 →

Editorial Comment page 15 →

2

15 October 2015 • The Cambridge Student

News

Editorial Team 15 October 2015

Volume 17 • Michaelmas Issue 2 www.tcs.cam.ac.uk

Editors-in-Chief Jack May Freya Sanders Art Director Alice Mottram News Editors Stevie Hertz Catherine Maguire Elsa Maishman Deputy News Editors Will Amor Tonicha Upham Investigations Editor Colm Murphy Deputy Investigations Editors Anna Carruthers Olly Hudson Features Editors Magdalen Christie Sammy Love Anthony Bridgen Deputy Features Editor Lottie Limb Interviews Editor Chase Caldwell Smith Comment Editors Amelia Oakley Julia Stanyard Grace Murray Columns Editor Audrey Sebatindira Food & Drink Editor Lucy Roxburgh Books Editor Jemima Jobling Music Editor Olivia Fletcher TV & Film Editor Miriam Shovel Theatre Editor Tom Bevan Fashion Editor Jessie Mathewson Lifestyle Editors Maddy Airlie Isobel Laidler Sport Editor Paul Hyland Social Media Manager Sydney Patterson Chief Sub-Editors Charlotte Furniss-Roe Megan Proops Sub-Editors Louis Ashworth Alisa Santikarn Leanne Walstow Directors Jack May Freya Sanders Colm Murphy Sam Rhodes Jemma Stewart

The Cambridge Student takes complaints about editorial content seriously. We are committed to abiding by the Independent Press Standards Organisation rules and the Editors’ Code of Practice enforced by IPSO, and by the stipulations of our constitution. Requests for corrections or clarifications should be sent by email to editor@tcs.cam.ac.uk or by post to The Editor, The Cambridge Student, Cambridge University Students’ Union, 16 Mill Lane, Cambridge, CB3 1LB.

Filming for ITV’s Grantchester in Cambridge this week, actors lined upon the wall in period costume A Cambridge Diary

Martin Bond is a professional photographer. His project A Cambridge Diary, where he posts a portrait photograph from Cambridge online each day, is his own labour of love. It is now in its sixth year, with nearly 2,000 photographs and counting.

A Cambridge Diary pictures feature every month on the front cover of Cambridge Magazine, they are the pictures behind the Cambridge Literary Festival and they are seen by thousands of people every day. Follow @acambridgediary on Twitter or like acambridgediary on Facebook.

tcd

• tcd@tcs.cam.ac.uk •

ALBERT SYDNEY

MELTDOWNS AND GLASS HOUSES

All’s abuzz in the circles of Cambridge student politics this week, with the Cambridge Union Society supposedly languishing in the clutches of a ‘meltdown’ following four resignations in the space of a month. Whilst the Union’s way of managing such bad press is to try and get its own version of events out there, perhaps it would be better to focus on where the ‘meltdown’ story itself came from. With the same number of departures over the same period, and distant rumblings of moves against those in its higher ranks, perhaps those in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.

THE INDEPENDENT BNOC

Though we are told not to be covetous of thy neighbour’s goods, this Diarist can’t help but be tickled with jealousy by reports from the Freshers’ Squash of Varsity that their new offices are sparkly, fantastic, and greatly to be admired. Between that and the return to weekly print, it seems the Editor is buoyant. The Facebook event for

the squash features a quote from the man himself. “I am now the ultimate BNOC”, the page declares. This Diarist can’t help but feel that in every jest is held a kernel of serious sentiment, and in every serious statement a kernel of hubris. Only time will tell.

AGE BEFORE SAFETY

To the Freshers’ Fair, where this Diarist was alongside friends from The Tab. Less pleased was he to find them distributing what he was told were the same condoms as two years ago. Stay safe (and in-date), kids.

The Pied Chancellor

With the passing of Geoffrey Howe (pictured left), former Conservative Chancellor, we turn to Stephen Parkinson’s magnum opus Arena of Ambition: A History of the Cambridge Union. During Howe’s time as a Trinity Hall undergraduate, the Union is described as “predominantly Tory” whilst the Cambridge University Conservative Association (CUCA) was considered “a formidable force”.

Though Howe was a member of the Union’s standing committee, his speeches were not always well received.

Norman St. John Stevas, the Union’s President in 1950, described Howe as “quiet and effective”, but that “he appeared to be blowing a musical instrument as he talked.”

This Diarist is glad to note that we no longer live in a world in which CUCA is “a formidable force”, and in which Union Presidents no longer feel the need to opine so vocally about one of their own. Or at least, so we hope.

Front page: FREE IMAGE, CHRIS WILLIAMSON, CHARLOTTE PETTER

3

The Cambridge Student • 15 October 2015

News

The £10,000 Oxbridge privilege Graduates of Oxford and Cambridge earn significantly more on average than their non-Russell Group peers Catherine Maguire News Editor

polytechnic institutions.

Sir Peter Lampl, chairman of the The Sutton Trust has found that Sutton Trust said that the report’s graduates from Oxford and Cambridge findings pointed to “significant” will earn approximately £10,000 more differences in salary between the than a graduate of a non-Russell Group University.

“The Oxbridge name just This advantage falls to £5,000 carries so much clout” for graduates of Russell Group Universities.

According to the report by the country’s universities, concluding that educational charity, Oxbridge “not all degrees were created equal”.

“It may not surprise anyone that graduates will on average earn £45,850 per annum. This figure drops an Oxbridge graduate on average to £40,960 for other Russell Group commands a higher salary than graduates, and decreases to under £36,000 for graduates of universities other than the prestigious public research universities.

Starting salaries for Oxford and Cambridge graduates are also larger than their peers. Oxbridge graduates earn on average £25,600 six months after graduating. However, this drops to £23,613 when adjusted for factors

someone from a newer university”, he added, “but a £7,500 difference, which only falls to just under £5,000 allowing for social background and prior attainment, is a bigger difference than many might have expected.”

On the other end of the scale, those with no qualifications will earn on average less than £16,000 a year.

On the greater earning potential of Oxbridge graduates, a second-year Spanish student told TCS: “I’m not surprised by this. The Oxbridge brand precedes it, for better or worse, and there is a perception among employers

that this translates into superiority. Of course, it’s not fair that people think that those who don’t go to Russell Group universities aren’t as intelligent or as able, but the Oxbridge name just carries so much clout.”

Entitled Levels of Success, the report also measured the average salaries of apprentices and compared them with university graduates. The report’s findings concluded that apprentices who obtain a Level Five qualification, equivalent to a foundation degree, will pocket almost £1.5 million in their working lives, more than non-Russell ED BRAMBLEY

Group institutions, once tuition fees and loan repayments are factored in.

The report’s authors are cautious.

“If apprenticeships are to fulfil their potential as a vehicle for social mobility... the sector needs serious change.” More than half of apprenticeships are set at Level 2 – equivalent to a GCSE. According to

£1.5 m Amount that Level Five apprentices will earn in their working lives the report, this offers “little value beyond traditional work experience placements and only marginally better lifetime earnings than secondary school qualifications alone”.

Oxbridge Economics graduates are the highest paid, earning an average of £32,378. They are followed by Science and Engineering graduates, who earn £27,570, and Medicine graduates who recieve £27,129.

A 2014 report by the Sutton Trust also revealed that Oxbridge graduates boast an advantage in climbing the career ladder: 74% were in professional employment within six months, compared with just 55% of graduates from former polytechnics.

£25,600 Average starting salary for Oxbridge graduates such as social class and gender. The average is approximately £7,500 greater than graduates from former

Editorial Comment page 15 →

‘‘Swan invasion’’ takes over river Cam

90% of student sex monogamous

Tonicha Upham Deputy News Editor

Catherine Maguire News Editor

Cambridge’s swans have once again hit national headlines as it was found that there are around 100 swans nesting on the river, a tenfold increase on the 10-20 swans typically found in similar stretches outside the city centre.

This is believed to be the result of the birds being fed stale bread by visitors to the river, which it is said to increase the risk of Weil’s Disease by attracting rats, the carriers of the disease.

The swans are congregating on the parts of the river in the centre of Cambridge, where there is a greater chance of bread being left. Jed Ramsey, River Manager for the Conservators, told The Telegraph that he would ‘‘strongly advise people not to feed the swans as it is encouraging a larger population of swans than the river can

‘‘Maybe the John’s catering department have been working extra hard’’

naturally support.’’ He continued that ‘‘Swans are legally protected species and one of the most beautiful birds on the river, so there is little that can be done to actively manage numbers, aside from discouraging people from feeding them.”

This comes after Natural England’s recent suggestions that the most effective way to manage swan numbers ahead of May Bumps would be to coat eggs with paraffin were rejected following public opposition.

A second-year Emmanuel student commented: ‘‘I haven’t yet seen any signs of the ‘‘swan invasion’’ reported in national news last week. Maybe the John’s catering department have been working extra hard.’’ Fellows of St John’s College are the only people outside of the Royal Family legally allowed to eat unmarked mute swans.

Couples only used condoms in one out of three dalliances

New research on sexual intercourse and the use of condoms has revealed that 90% of the sex reported was between students in serious relationships, but these students used condoms only a third of the time.

The findings also showed that students are more likely to have sex on days that they have used marijuana or consumed large quantities of alcohol.

Published in the Journal of Studies on Alcohol and Drugs, the study asked 284 students to report on their daily use of marijuana, alcohol and condom use for 24 days.

Students were more concerned with preventing pregnancy than avoiding STIs, leading to condoms falling out of use.

David Kerr, Professor of Behavioural

Science at Oregon State University, described his research as one-of-akind, insofar as it examined whether a person’s sexual activities differ, depending on their alcohol use. He acknowledged that the stereotypical image of drunken or intoxicated student sex was not challenged by the survey, but highlighted that the findings were a ‘concern’.

“When people are in a serious relationship they may think, ‘We can stop using condoms’”, he said.

“But, if someone has unprotected sex with multiple monogamous partners over their college years, the risks can add up.”

Jack May, a third-year student, commented: “I mean, it depends how liberal one’s interpretation of ‘monogamous’ is. From experience, people stray, so it’s wise to stay safe.”

4

15 October 2015 • The Cambridge Student

Investigations

Charities and council pressu Right to buy “perfect storm” condemned by charities Anna Carruthers and Olly Hudson Deputy Investigations Editors As homelessness spikes, central government policy has been attacked as a “perfect storm” by both the city council and the voluntary sector, especially the rightto-buy scheme.

The government has recently negotiated with the National Housing Federation a deal, which will allow housing association tenants the right to buy their home for a discount of up to £77,000.

A spokesman for the Department of Communities and Local Government said

“It is hard to see how future policy ... will not make the situation worse” last month: “We want to help anyone who works hard and aspires to own their own home turn their dream into a reality. The NHF have voluntarily come forward with a proposal, which the government will now consider.

“Since 2012, councils have already delivered more than 3,000 homes through the reinvigorated right-to-buy scheme.”

Also, at the Conservative party conference, communities secretary Greg Clark insisted that every home sold under right to buy

Continued from page one...

They currently say on their website that applicants will have to wait “at least two weeks” before getting Short Stay Accommodation, and that priority is given to those with a local connection.

The city council does have mechanisms in place for those who are about to become homeless, including an Emergency Homeless Application, and a Cambridge Street and Mental Health Outreach team.

Lewis Herbert told TCS: “We have a comprehensive policy, especially through supporting the voluntary sector and we have a number of housing units reserved for the homeless.”

However, he highlighted the spike in numbers, and central government policy as handicaps (see below).

Herbert: “We have a comprehensive policy, especially in supporting the voluntary sector” This strain may increase after the city council offered to take a number of Syrian refugees in stages two weeks ago (see last

would be replaced, partly by reforming the planning system to allow more building, claiming that 240,000 homes a year already receive planning permisison.

However, leader of the city council and Labour councillor, Lewis Herbert, was highly critical of the government. While saying that “the numbers of recorded homelessness have mushroomed in the past year”, he added that “we can’t help the fact that the government has kneecapped us [the city council] as priority in government policy at every turn has been for ownership over rental.”

Some of the charities have also criticised government policies. Wintercomfort’s James Martin said: “We do have fears about the changes recommended by central government and specifically the impact this will have on the situation in Cambridge … The housing market in Cambridge represents its own really difficult challenge.” Martin said the rightto-buy scheme will “undoubtedly lead to a reduction in social housing” and said the proceeds of the sale will go back to central government rather than for investment “in more affordable housing locally.

“With further austerity to come I can only see an increase in the demand and need for a charity such as Wintercomfort.”

This is not a universal opinion. Jane Heeney, services development manager of

Jimmy’s Shelter, when asked about these issues, simply said: “We will have to wait and see.”

Still, the Cambridge Cyrenians also have concerns, especially on the lack of local

week’s issue).

University students are also involved in charity provision for homeless people, Streetbite being one voluntary vehicle.

This society, run entirely by volunteer students aims to give the homeless in Cambridge decent food.

Streetbite committee member, Charlotte Furniss-Roe, said to TCS: “Cambridge’s homelessness problem is severe for such a small city and it does seem like it’s getting worse even in the two years I have been here.”

She said those “sleeping rough are only the immediate face of the problem – unseen homelessness is a far more extensive issue.

“In Cambridge, the high prices of the housing market mean it is extremely difficult to move the homeless from temporary into permanent accommodation, and then from a position of danger and real instability into temporary accommodation, so we see a lot of the same people.

“While our society is doing what we can ... we can never have a big enough pool of volunteers to draw on.”

This is not a new problem. The number of recorded homeless has increased every year since 2011/12.

Furthermore, TCS reported a five-fold

increase in the city council’s street-count of rough sleepers three years ago, one which was leading some to lift the lids off tombs in Mill Road Cemetery for shelter.

Also, last year, The Tab ran a series of articles on homelessness, including

“We can’t help the fact that the government have kneecapped us”

homelessness” including launching the Streetlink service which allows the public to highlight rough sleepers so they can be helped, and have set up a group to coordinate government departments.

Meanwhile, the Cyrenians’ 2015-17 Business Plan states: “The recent years of austerity, reduced government expenditure and reductions in grant funding means that investment in homeless services and homelessness prevention has contracted, not just locally, but nationally” and that temporary bedspaces have fallen by 20% since 2008. It said “essential support services” have been lost, including mental health support, and that the Housing Related Support budget has been squeezed.

“At the same time demand for our services is very much on the rise.” The Board of the Cambridge Cyrenians took the decision two years ago to seek “alternative sources of funding or prudent use of reserves.”

More generally ‘Ozzy’, a local Unite activist, argues that “the real issue in Cambridge is the unaffordability of housing”.

He told TCS: “Unite has been campaigning for “rent controls now” and to build council housing. They plan a demonstration beginning in Parker’s Piece at midday on Saturday 14 November.”

social housing. Brian Holman, manager of the Cyrenians, told TCS that “proposed government policy to expand the right to buy policy to Housing Association tenants, the requirement for local authorities to sell off their most valuable properties to help fund the expanded RTB and the squeeze on rents are all coming together to create a perfect storm.”

Holman argued that this “storm” applied particularly to single homeless people as local social housing for individuals is in short supply. They can wait years, according to the Cyrenians, “if they don’t have some special circumstances that would enable them to increase their priority”.

And a spokesperson for Homeless Link said: “It is hard to see how future policy which may reduce the stock of affordable rented accommodation and further benefit cuts will not make the situation worse.”

However, they continued: “the coalition government did take action to address Additional Reporting by Colm Murphy

“Cambridge’s homelessness problem is severe for such a small city” interviews with rough sleepers by Jamie Webb and an opinion piece by Rachel Tookey.

This Wednesday, local firefighter George White of Parkside Place Community Fire and Rescue Station has called on the public to donate sleeping bags and rucksacks.

Cambridge city was declared a model example for the rest of the UK by Jeremy Cliffe of The Economist in August.

However, it seems Cambridge, while prosperous, also has a problem with homelessness and debilitating poverty.

Of course, many of Cambridge’s actual or potential homeless population are probably off the statistical radar.

Kevin Price, the executive city councillor for housing, has previously said to

Cambridge News that it was the “just the tip of the iceberg.”

He explains: “a lot of our efforts are focused on preventing those in precarious housing situations actually becoming homeless, through, for example, access to debt and housing options advice and maintaining tenancies.”

On 27 March, it was reported in Cambridge News that around 12% of the city are living in poverty, according to Campaign Against Child Poverty.

This cannot be separated from the pressures on charities focused on poverty generally, such as foodbanks.

Nationally, in 2014/15 enough emergency food for three days for over a million people was distributed, according to the Trussell Trust.

The numbers have been continually rising since 2008, when the figure was 25,899. In Cambridge, it was reported that in 2014/15 almost 5,000 people were helped by Cambridge Food Bank.

Recently, a Cambridge University Foodbank Society was established.

They told TCS: “What is needed is a directed interaction from the University with these organisations to reduce food waste.”

Kevin Price, Labour coun councillor for housing, at

Key Facts

2 4 2

5

The Cambridge Student • 15 October 2015

Investigations

ured as homelessness spikes ANDREW OSBORNE

Conversations with Cambridge’s homeless population

Colm Murphy Investigations Editor

ncillor and executive city a housing protest

& Figures

2 1 4

Beds in Jimmy’s Night Shelter

% increase in recorded homelessness

% of temporary beds are provided by Cambridge Cyrenians

On Wednesday 7 October, thousands of students were streaming through Kelsey Kerridge Hall for the second day of CUSU’s Freshers’ Fair, signing up to hundreds of societies while being set upon by takeaway companies with free food.

Meanwhile, metres away, around eight to ten homeless men were resting near the back entrance of the hall. Their ages ranged between late 20s and 40s. One man, in a ragged Chelsea shirt, had just gone to get some of the free pizza on offer to the students. Most of them were drinking strong cider, although they were friendly and sober when I approached them.

After telling them I was a student journalist, one jokingly said he was “saying nothing. You ain’t getting nothing out of me.” We all laughed, despite the tension: here was a middle-class Cambridge student clearly looking for what some have dismissed as “poverty porn” for an article.

Still, they were willing to talk. I asked them whether the abundant food was accessible to them. They told me that they were free to eat the pizzas but normally leftovers were unavailable. “They used to do it ... Boots used to give out sandwiches, they were taken to hostels. Now, for some unknown reason, they don’t.”

The man in the Chelsea shirt also complained about Jimmy’s, the well-

known shelter, saying they forbade taking food out of the shelter to others who are not fortunate enough to have a roof over their head that night: “I mean, it’s fucking ridiculous, I have mates who are rough sleepers.” Nearby, a sign bearing the logo of the Cambridge city council forbids “rough sleepers” in the car park. When asked for comment, Jimmy’s Night Shelter told TCS that the policy “is about resources” and “we wouldn’t want to set an expectation that

“Youngsters attack us sometimes.” Another said: “I’ve been spat at” there would always be food available, when in reality this wouldn’t always be the case.”

Later on, a man who has just arrived starts talking to me. He tells me that “youngsters attack us sometimes,” while another claims “I’ve been spat at,” by people around the age of 21 coming out of pubs. Asked whether that kind of interaction was normal, there was disagreement. Chelsea shirt claimed “aggression outweighs the niceness”, but the newcomer contradicts him: “I wouldn’t say that ... the majority of people are OK. But these really bad situations, like spitting, stick in your mind ... stay with you.”

Later on that evening, I’m approached on Trinity Lane by another homeless man asking for money. He was keen to claim

that he “doesn’t normally do this.”

I asked him whether he had a place to stay that night, such as Jimmy’s or Cyrenians. “I’m staying in a car park with my girlfriend.” He said he generally doesn’t get into the shelters because there are few provisions for couples, and that he’s been on the council waiting list for a while.

Jimmy’s told TCS that they are a service for single people, although they “frequently have couples staying”.

Normally, the man goes to Wintercomfort charity for “food and a shower”. However, he claims “the kitchen has been closed all week.” When asked why: “No idea mate!”

However, this particular claim at least does not appear to be true. Firstly, a Big Issue seller known to me didn’t know anything about a closure when asked. Moreover, when TCS reached out to Wintercomfort, they told us they had been “open as usual … and our kitchen has been open serving food as normal. The only reason someone would not be able to access our service would be because they either chose not to or were currently subject to a ban from our service due to their behaviour. We try and minimise the use of exclusions from the service but sometimes this is unavoidable.”

The next day, I see him again and ask him about his story. His only relative is a sister who is married with two kids and lives in London; he never sees her.

“To be honest, I shouldn’t really be

walking,” he continues. “I’m very ill. I have a hernia … and my belly button is really swollen. Once I just started spewing up blood while walking around here. Just spewing up. I eventually passed out.” He bid me a good evening and hobbled off to his unsheltered bed in a corner of an unspecified car park.

On the eve of World Homeless Day, I chatted to a woman, sitting near Sainsbury’s, reading The Ring of Solomon by Jonathan Stroud. One of my 21st birthday presents last month was The Ring of Solomon. I first enthusiastically talked to her about Stroud’s memorable characters.

We get on to her circumstances. “I’ve been homeless for 18 months … I used to live in a housing association.” She claimed her dog, who this whole time has been lovingly licking my hand, made it difficult for her to get a roof over her head.

I started talking about why I was doing

“I’m staying in a car park with my girlfriend tonight” this, starting with the Freshers’ Fair. When I mention the pizzas, she laughs, gestures to a pile next to her and says that “a guy has just given me two pizzas. Maybe they’re from that thing you’re talking about.” I laugh and say maybe, I doubt it.

I said goodnight to her, ruffled the dog one more time, and went home to my bed.

TOM DORRINGTON

6

15 October 2015 • The Cambridge Student

College Watch

Images: Hannah Taylor (above), Jessica McHugh (below). Text: Will Amor

Caius

Lucy Cav

Girton

King’s

The Freshers’ Bop at Caius was cancelled after issues at their pub crawl earlier in the week.

The JCR President Harriet Bartlett emailed the Caius undergraduates to inform them of the cancellation, citing ‘‘a large number of complaints and incidents’’. While the email did not specify exactly what had happened, there are reports that a fresher vomited on a porter, and subsequently spanked him.

The bop cancellation is in light of efforts from both the JCR and the college to improve the transition into Cambridge life after six of the 2014 intake chose to intermit.

This year’s freshers came to Caius several days earlier than their predecessors, a move the college thought would ensure that they were relaxed by the time the heavy workload term started. Evidently some of the freshers found this time too relaxing.

Although this bop has been cancelled, disappointed undergraduates have been reassured that the tickets bought for it will remain valid for the College’s Halloween bop, providing of course that is not, also, cancelled.

Lucy Cavendish, the only higher education institution in Europe to discriminate on both age and gender, is celebrating its 50th birthday.

A new president, journalist Jackie Ashley, was installed to oversee the college’s jubilee year.

The eighth president, Ashley fills the shoes of a succession of successful women, such as the UK’s first female ambassador, Dame Anne Warburton, who was President from 1985 to 1994.

The College is also running a conference titled ‘Where Are the Women?’ which seeks to examine issues for women in the modern working world. Key speakers include Harriet Harman MP, journalist Polly Toynbee, UKIP politician Suzanne Evans and author Jane Hawking.

Ashley has decided to run this event after being inspired by the Lucy Cavendish students she has met, crediting their ambition and success.

Lucy Cavendish came 29th in the 2015 Tompkins Table, with 9.1% of its students scoring Firsts.

It has uniquely placed 29th the most number of times since its inclusion in the table in 2003, totalling six.

A minor incident in Girton has led the College’s Head Porter to threaten “dire” consequences to the student body.

Between approximately 10.50pm and midnight on the evening of 7 October a green sign in the college was damaged, in the line of sight of two CCTV cameras. The following morning the Head Porter sent out an email calling for ‘‘the culprit or culprits to come forward’’.

It seems this email was only sent to undergraduates, though no evidence was presented in the email to suggest that it could not have been a graduate, a fellow or a visitor of the college. Indeed, the Porter noted that he had not gone through the CCTV footage yet, and would be upset if he had to “trawl through” it.

The thought of the College’s chief security officer having to investigate a security issue on College grounds obviously evoked great ire in the Head Porter.

It was due to this that he ominously noted at the close of the email that, should the culprit (or, indeed, culprits) not own up, “the consequences will be dire”.

The white Gibbs Building at King’s is close to finishing its cleaning project. The technique used to remove the historic pollution is called ‘façade gommage’. This method cleans by blasting the building with fine powders. The absence of water and chemicals in this type of cleaning preserves the historic fabric of the building.

Crucially, however, the windows have not yet been cleaned, so the building will only be given a clean bill of cleanliness when this final stage is completed. Nonetheless, the College has released some drone footage of the re-whitened building, accessible on its Twitter account. It was previously interesting to compare the effect of pollution on the side of the building which faced the road, and the side which faced the river. This historical difference has now been whitewashed.

The distinctive white Portland stone was used by architect Gibbs in his other Cambridge project, Senate House, which had its black pollution removed some years ago.

An influential architect of the 18th century, Gibbs also famously designed the Radcliffe Camera at Oxford.

7

The Cambridge Student • 15 October 2015

News

Union’s Assange referendum divides termcard speakers Stevie Hertz News Editor Speakers at the Union debate this week are divided over the decision to hold a referendum to host Julian Assange.

The debate, on the motion “This house believes pornography is inherently oppressive,” follows a week of argument over the decision to hold a referendum. Assange, the founder of Wikileaks, has previously faced allegations of sexual offences.

Jerry Barnett, who runs the Sex and Censorship campaign, and is opposing the motion at the debate on Thursday, told The Cambridge Student: “Using a crime, whether alleged or actual, to attack somebody’s right to free expression is deeply suspect, authoritarian behaviour. Free speech is a basic human right, and as such it applies to nice people, and unpleasant people, to alleged rapists and to terrorists equally.”

Cindy Gallop, who joins Barnett to oppose the motion that pornography is inherently oppressive, also backs the referendum, calling it a “very good thing.” However, she disagrees on the reason. Gallop, an advertising consultant, commented to TCS that the referendum provides an “opportunity to make damned sure that what Assange stands accused of stays in the public eye” and that if the students do decide to host Assange it is an opportunity “for direct questioning” about the allegations.

However, Ann Olivarius, an American lawyer who specifies in child protection work, and will support the

motion on Thursday, has said that she would “vote not to have him”, saying that, given the allegations, “it’s quite problematic to invite someone to come to a distinguished forum to attempt to persuade people to his views”.

Citing that the Swedish prosecutor was forced to drop allegations against Assange when she was unable to interrogate him, Olivarius went on to say “he has not shown respect for our government and has not shown respect to people in the room.”

Charlotte Ivers, the treasurer of

“We don’t anticipate any sort of reaction from speakers”

the Union, who will also serve as one of the returning officers for the referendum, commented: “I’m really pleased with this as it shows that the Union offers a platform to a plurality of different views and we’re delighted that our speakers are engaged with the issue and we look forward to having the debate.”

Oliver Mosley, the president of the Union, had previously commented to TCS that they “don’t anticipate any sort of reaction from speakers” on the Assange referendum.

YAO TONG

University Challenge stars take on Bake Off’s Sue Perkins The Caius University Challenge team surprised us with their appearance on Friday night’s Alan Carr: Chatty Man where they competed against comedian Sue Perkins in a quiz on her own memoir, Spectacles. Perkins, a New Hall graduate, incidentally visited Cambridge this week to publicise the book, with a signing at Heffers bookshop and a slot at the Cambridge Literary Festival.

Ted Loveday, now a national treasure, dazzled us all with his ever-impressive knitwear collection and lightning responses. Wednesday’s Bake Off final was subsequently enjoyed (heartily, and merrily) by Loveday and team in the presence of the legendary presenter. It seems that their media career is to be anything but a hapax legomenon.

Charity event cancelled after “horrifying” appropriation Giving What We Can: Cambridge has come under fire this week for the event ‘Slum in the Cellars: Poverty Simulation.’ The event planned to transform “Clare College cellars into a run-down, oppresive slum” to raise awareness of poverty.

However, the event was cancelled after being condemned. Newnham’s BME Officer, Christine Nigel Pungong said “it’s horrifying that the only way for people to have any compassion ... is to appropriate their struggles and whittle them down to a ‘fun’ two hour game.” After cancelling the event, GWWC: Cam said in a statement on their Facebook page: “We now see how the simulation might have come across problematically and are deeply sorry for any offence it has caused”.

Fitz fellow finds fame and fortune with Economics Nobel

Universities that fail on access could face fines Catherine Maguire News Editor Universities could face fines if efforts are not made to increase access, attainment and prospects for workingclass students.

In a green paper (a tentative government report) to be published this week, institutions that do not meet new criteria to attract and nurture students from disadvantaged backgrounds would lose funding and, crucially, the ability to raise tuition fees in line with inflation.

Universities would have to attract poorer students, prevent them from dropping out and help them find graduate level employment or post graduate courses.

Jo Johnson, Minister for Universities and Science and Boris Johnson’s brother, told the Conservative party

NEWS BULLETIN

Working class students are 6.8 times less likely to go to highly selective universities

conference in a speech that there was “still too much variability in the student experience within and between universities”.

Speaking at an event called ‘Does Britain only love some universities?’, Johnson voiced his support for “more diversity, more new providers, [and] more innovation”. He also added that “widening participation and access” will be “intimately linked” to the Teaching Excellence Framework, which features the retention and completion rates of poorer students.

Students from disadvantaged backgrounds are 2.5 times less likely to proceed to enter university level education than their more privileged peers. This figure rises to 6.8 times at highly selective institutions such as Oxford, Cambridge and Durham.

These students are also more likely

to drop out from their studies: in the UK, the average ‘non-retention’ rate is 7.4%, but some universities, such as London Metropolitan University boast a figure almost double this.

The government aims to double the 2009 proportion of working class students beginning higher education by 2020.

Helena Blair, CUSU Access Officer, commented that, “CUSU welcomes pressure on universities to tackle access issues by not only encouraging potential students to apply, but also by supporting students to access equal opportunities both throughout and after their time studying. We are, however, concerned that this policy forms part of an increasing shift of responsibility to widen participation away from the government and onto universities (and students).”

A former Fitzwilliam College fellow, Angus Deaton, has won a Nobel Prize in economics for his work measuring poverty. Deaton, the Edinburgh-born son of a coal miner who now teaches at Princeton, has developed practical theories that have helped several governments plan policy to solve societal problems.

Unlike previous methods, which only showed personal income over time, Deaton measures the wellbeing of specific groups through their life expectancy and access to healthcare and education.

Deaton said he was “surprised and delighted” but a bit “sleepy” when he heard the news.

He attended Cambridge from undergraduate level and his PhD in 1975, before becoming a Fellow at Fitz.

UK universities ‘‘failing’’ on students’ mental health Sir Anthony Seldon, Vice-Chancellor of the University of Buckingham, told the Cheltenham Literature Festival that universities are ‘‘failing’’ and should be “more compassionate, intelligent and caring” about pressure on students, particularly freshers in the first days of term.

The president of Student Minds Cambridge commented: ‘‘I completely agree with the ViceChancellor on this point. I think that there definitely needs to be more compassion; often at Cambridge the system can feel rather punitive towards those with disabilities, including invisible disabilities such as mental health problems.’’

8

15 October 2015 • The Cambridge Student

News

Uni called to revive tradition of Women’s Campaign continues sheltering “brilliant people” to prioritise sexual harassment Continued from page 1...

Cambridge University has a long history of welcoming at-risk academics. Lord Ernest Rutherford, a Cambridge academic, was chosen as the organisation’s first president.

According to CARA, Cambridge University has taken in at least one academic a year for the past eight years, with significant impact. Speaking to TCS, Anne Lonsdale, Chair of CARA, said: “there was a Pakistani scholar who was facing a double blasphemy charge for writing about Christians in Pakistan – he is Moslem. He has gone back to Lahore but we may need to get him out fast.”

Lonsdale, who is also a former president of New Hall, now Murray Edwards College, also spoke of an “Iraqi woman who is a professor at Baghdad Technical University. She goes on working as long as she can take it in Baghdad and then has three months or so in [a Cambridge] lab able at last to get access to the equipment to test her work ... She said to me ‘When you sit around the table at breakfast with your family you wonder who will be there at suppertime.’ It is the chance to keep working and get out to Cambridge that has kept her going and she is a great role model.”

Lonsdale then went on to advocate for the role that the organisation plays in aiding the cause of ‘‘brilliant people and their families who need to survive to rebuild their countries when at last the trouble stops.”

It is central to CARA’s philosophy that the academics they help are not seeking permanent asylum, but rather temporary refuge from dangerous situations. 90% of the academics who came to CARA during the Iraq war have now returned. Stephen Wordsworth, the executive director, stressed this was by the choice of the academics, who want to return with the skills and contacts to rebuild higher education in their home countries.

Cambridge is not unusual in taking few academics – universities mostly take one or two at-risk academics and at most four. CARA tries to provide an appropriate fit for both the academic and the university involved, which can often make placing academics in elite universities difficult.

One female second-year student commented: “It’s very inspiring to hear stories of my university helping vulnerable people, in a way that only a few places can. I really hope that Cambridge will follow Oxford’s example and continue their great tradition into the future.”

Tonicha Upham Deputy News Editor

“It is the chance to keep working and get out to Cambridge that has kept her going”

CUSU Women’s Campaign has highlighted its commitment to pushing for more comprehensive harassment policies.

This term’s first Women’s Campaign forum discussing current campaigns and policies was held this Wednesday.

Harassment policies are particularly high on the agenda of CUSU women’s officer Charlie Chorley.

Over the summer the University made major policy changes, altering policies so that harassment and assault can now fall under the remit of the University and its colleges, having abandoned the counsel of the 1994 Zellick Report, which advised that action regarding harassment and assault should only be taken once a case had been handled by police and the courts. This move by the University appears to have sparked further progress: this week, Pembroke College’s Junior Parlour Committee (JPC) held an open meeting at which the College’s new, specifically targeted sexual harassment policy was discussed as a highlighted agenda item, with the JPC inviting comment and revisions.

The policy comes as a replacement of the reference to harassment which

“Changing policies, as well as changing the culture, is essential to this year’s work and beyond.”

was previously made in Pembroke’s ‘Dignity at Work Policy’, which the JPC considered insufficiently comprehensive with regard to sexual assault. This policy has been followed by a JPC ‘Zero-tolerance Sexual Harassment Policy’ and a ‘Rape and Assault Statement’, both of which have been made available online.

Commenting on the continuous work undertaken by the Women’s Campaign and by individual colleges to ensure progress in this area, Charlie Chorley said: “Many colleges already have sexual harassment polices, and some have ambiguously defined policies which fleetingly mention sexual harassment. This project helps to support colleges in updating, and in some cases, creating, specific sexual harassment policies, as well as helping the University develop its central policy. After several discussions with senior tutors, CUSU is also looking to push for specific racial harassment policies ... Changing policies, as well as changing the culture, is essential to this year’s work and beyond.” Student response has been positive, with one female second-year stating that ‘‘having modern and up-to-date sexual harrassment policies is essential – too often they are ignored, which makes sexual assault itself seem trivial.’’

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9

The Cambridge Student • 15 October 2015

News

Uni in £11m deal with Jaguar

NEWS BULLETIN

Will Amor Deputy News Editor

18 staff members risk losing their jobs as the University Library plans to close its bindery department following a restructuring of its approach to preservation and collection care. A University spokesperson said that they are “working with staff to seek to identify alternative roles for them within the University’’ and that staff are being ‘‘consulted’’ about the change.

However, one employee told Varsity that ‘‘staff feel that the matter has been handled secretly, and very badly.”

Despite the plans for restructuring having been approved ‘‘under reserved business’’ by the Library Syndicate months ago, staff say that they had not been informed of the proposed changes until last Wednesday.

New partnership with auto industry ‘trailblazer’ to develop driverless cars The University of Cambridge has been announced as one of 10 British universities to receive funding to develop driverless cars.

The £11 million deal is being bankrolled by Jaguar Land Rover and the Engineering and Physical Sciences Research Council. The research project was unveiled by Business Secretary Sajid Javid at a visit to a Jaguar Land Rover facility in Warwickshire.

The aim is to produce driverless cars which can integrate seamlessly, safely and quickly into mass market public consumption.

There are five separate research

groups in the project, which has been named Towards Autonomy – Smart and Connected Control. The Cambridge team will be working with researchers from the University of Southampton on how human drivers behave and react to driverless cars.

The goal of the research is to develop automated driving software and interfaces that suit the driver, rather than the driver having to adapt to a new technology.

Sajid Javid commented: “the UK government has no intention of being a passenger in innovation so is pioneering autonomous car technology in partnership with industry”. Javid also expressed his

Business Secretary: “Keep Britain at the forefront of the robots revolution”

TONI BLAY

desire to keep Britain at the “forefront of the robots revolution”. While such a revolution may not resemble Skynet in the Terminator franchise, there are concerns that industries which rely on drivers, such as haulage and taxis, could be obliterated if autonomous transport becomes the norm.

While driverless cars are a favourite ‘future tech’ in science fiction films, they are already a well-publicised research area. They are famously being built and programmed by Google, based in California. Cambridge has been a significant contributor to this fledgling industry, notably being a partner of the UK Autodrive consortium, which was awarded £10 million by the government in the Autumn Budget 2014.

Will Oram, a fourth-year Mechanical Engineering student at Cambridge, told The Cambridge Student that “universities are among those best placed to overcome the challenges associated with this technology”. He also commended Jaguar Land Rover for acting as a “trailblazer”, hoping that “other companies will sacrifice their short-term focus and join the autonomous bandwagon”.

Despite being a hub of the car industry, Oxford is not one of the research teams involved. Other areas in the project include introducing personalised features using cloud computing and sensory technology so that the car can see its surroundings.

Strange event starts fundraising campaign Stevie Hertz News Editor Cambridge University is opening its current fundraising campaign with a lavish event this weekend for several hundred potential donors. The University is currently attempting to raise £2 billion to add to its existing £2.8 billion endowment.

The event this weekend features a gala dinner at Trinity, a presentation in King’s College Chapel partly choreographed by Artichoke, a performance company known for creating a giant mechanical spider that roamed the streets of Liverpool and a similar huge mechanical elephant that explored London in 2006, which was the largest free public arts event ever to be staged in the capital. No details are yet known for what they plan to do in Cambridge.

The guests invited include Bill Gates, who received an honorary doctorate from Cambridge in 2009, and Mishal

Husain, a BBC news presenter, who attended Murray Edwards.

The event will also feature what one spectator called a “just strange” welcoming ceremony, featuring Cambridge themed ‘paddles’. The evening is planned to finish with burning letters on the banks of the River Cam, which spell out “Hello World. Yours, Cambridge”.

Several hundred students are involved in the event, serving as ‘personal student hosts’. One such host told The Cambridge Student, “I’m obviously quite flattered to be asked, but I have to say the whole thing is quite bizarre.”

The launch this weekend will be followed by smaller scale campaign events across the globe.

Vice-Chancellor Leszek Borysiewicz said of the new fundraising targets: “Our achievements on budgets smaller than our American peers speak volumes, this will not in itself

“I have to say the whole thing is quite bizarre”

be enough to consistently attract transformational philanthropy, nor will it enable us to remain a worldleading university in the long term.”

In 2009, the University ran a fundraising campaign to mark its 800th anniversary. Although the campaign raised what now seems a paltry £1.2 billion, at the time it was praised as a success.

The University currently has high returns on its investments, including up to 20% in recent years.

However, in May, the University Council announced it would begin a wide-ranging investigation into the University’s endowment fund, in an aim to make it more “environmentally and socially responsible”.

The student society Positive Investment in Cambridge is involved in the investigation and said student members “seem optimistic about the process”. The results are due to be announced in May 2016.

18 jobs at risk as UL closes its bindery department

Cambridge MP Dan Zeichner follows novel leadership Daniel Zeichner, the new MP for Cambridge, blindfolded himself in central Cambridge and relied on a guide dog to get him onto a bus to the station. It was an effort to raise awareness for Guide Dogs, an organisation advocating for the visually impaired. He credited the experience with making him aware of the difficulties of traversing a city when partially sighted.

Zeichner defeated incumbent Dr Huppert of the Lib Dems in May by a margin of 599 votes. He nominated Yvette Cooper for the recent leadership election, and has been appointed Shadow Minister for Transport by new leader Jeremy Corbyn. Zeichner has not yet commented how the guide dog’s leadership compares to Corbyn’s.

Manchester Students’ Union silences Free Speech debate The University of Manchester Students’ Union has banned radical feminist Julie Bindel and web news editor Milo Yiannopoulos from speaking at the Free Speech and Secular Society. They were due to debate whether feminism had a ‘problem’ with free speech. This is amid efforts from the Government to deprive extremists of platforms at UK Universities, however the Manchester Students’ Union has also been advocating an overthrow of the government.

A recent Manchester graduate commented to The Cambridge Student that he agreed with the Union’s position, believing that there should be a limitation on who should speak at a free speech debate.

Should’ve left it in Gringotts: Goblin actor’s caravan missing Warwick Davies, who played Professor Flitwick and Griphook the Goblin in the wizarding franchise, has had his caravan stolen in Yaxley, some 40 miles northwest of Cambridge. He appealed on Twitter for information, and Cambridgeshire Police are conducting an investigation.

The actor rose to fame for playing Wicket the Ewok in Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi in 1983. He is also a well-known activist for dwarfism, parodied in the Ricky Gervais sitcom Life’s Too Short. Reports that the caravan was enchanted and subsequently flown away remain unconfirmed.

10

15 October 2015 • The Cambridge Student

Features

Six characters every staircase needs In order to preserve the delicate ecosystem of the student environment, these six cohabitants are essential

RHIANN RONE-CLARKE

10 things students think when re-entering the lecture hall

ED BRAMBLEY

TCS Team

I

t’s that time of year again, when you wend your merry way to the lecture hall, clutching a Macbook Air and an overpriced coffee. A few battle-hardened second- and third- years share their thoughts upon returning to the lecture hall this month.

“I’m taking up round two of a challenge, only this time I’m determined to win.

(This thought comes with a twist, as I am still in bed and my 9am has already started.)” Isobel

“This year I’m going to go to every single lecture! I won’t give up in week three. Last term was a blip. Definitely.” Annie (Severely hung over in a boiling hot lecture theatre) “Nah.” Amelia During my first lecture: “I remember why, when I applied, I wanted to study English at Cambridge.” During my second: [asleep]. Alice “So this is what it feels like to be awake before noon...” Maddy

“I have mascara smudges all down my face from the wind during my manic Sidgwick “Words, there are so many, many words, cycle.” Khalila am I meant to know what all of them mean?” Anthony “Oh, my (middle aged and male) lecturer has the same jumper as me! Ha, good to “It’s very hot in here. There are a lot of see another vintage fan. Wait... he’s got the people. This isn’t all that different from same jeans. And... are those my heeled Life last night. Oh man, I feel sick.” Anon boots?” Beth Despite the negativity on display, you “[Insert Facebook sticker of a dinosaur should attend your lectures. You might looking worriedly at an approaching even enjoy them. And be sure to send meteor above the words ‘Everything is in any selfies with lecturers in matching Terrible’]” Elsa clothes. We might just publish them...

Attendance soars at the start of term in the maths faculty

Part 2

The Cambridge Student 15 October 2015

4 8 9

CUADC presents: Peter Shaffer’s Amadeus

National Poetry Month special The hidden gems of charity shops Cambridge’s top five burgers

2

15 October 2015 • Part 2 • The Cambridge Student

Culture

Azeem Ward on fast-found success Jack Whitehead

A

zeem Ward is larger than life on social media, but how does he compare in the flesh? I sat down with him before his first performance in Cambridge last Tuesday, wanting to learn more about the man behind the meme. I think I got more than I bargained for.

I meet him outside John’s and it’s obvious straight away that this is not going to be a straightforward interview. He’s not alone, but instead surrounded by multiple different agents, passers-by, various press and a lot of opportunistic stragglers wanting to get a picture. All for the man who streamed his flute recital back in May for an online audience of up to 55,000 people.

We’re sitting around a table full of admirers and we get down to some questions. What is it like working with agents? “They don’t take as many responsibilities as Timmy [DJ Underbelly] and I do – [but they’re] helpful for getting press though. When they take on more responsibility they end up taking more pay.”

It’s already evident that Azeem likes to have a lot of creative input. I ask whether his UK tour is making a profit in an effort to find out his reasons for performing around the country. He lights up a bit with clear enthusiasm for his future. “I hope to invest in some recording equipment when

“I’m very lucky. I climbed 1,000 steps in the ladder, 10,000 steps in the ladder, as opposed to people who take so much longer.”

I get back to further the process.” To make an album? I ask.

“Exactly.” Apparently it won’t have beatbox, but there will be a lot of flute. A big surprise.

I want to ask about University of California, Santa Barbara (UCSB) and whether he is aware that he is in the shadow of alumni that have ‘made it’ in the performance

industry, such as Jack Johnson and The Doors’ guitarist Robby Krieger. Does he appreciate the very 21st-century way in which he has become famous? “I’m very lucky. I climbed 1,000 steps in the ladder, 10,000 steps in the ladder, as opposed to people who take so much longer.”

“I think it’s surreal, I think I’m very lucky. In the beginning I wasn’t sure if it was a positive type of publicity because a lot of it was like jokes and stuff.”

It does seem that people might have been laughing at him rather than with him back in May. Are they warming to him now? “They’re starting to. But the thing is, I don’t have much recorded music out yet for people to latch on to.

That’s the main issue with me right now and that’s what I really plan to focus on when I get back to America.”

Later, I ask if he always wanted to be a musician? He responds instantly with “Yes. [In] high school I realised I wanted to be an orchestral musician. [In] college I realised I didn’t want to be an orchestral musician.”

Read Azeem’s full interview on our website.

Best motivational film soundtracks

In defence of Gotham

Movies soundtracks are carefully crafted things, with weeks of thought behind each and every track. While some will make you cry – Schindler’s List – there are some which will improve your mood and put you in the mind to work. Read on for the best in motivational soundtracks, all of which can be found on Spotify.

he seemingly interminable love affair with superhero franchises spilt over onto TV a while ago now, fuelling Marvel’s attempts to make its cinematic universe larger than the one we live in.

The comic book machine has churned out a monstrous number of fairly mind-numbing series. Even the poster boy for the genre, Daredevil on Netflix, presents a fairly generic origin story, while the characterisation makes the titular ‘hero’ seem like a lawless sociopath. Superhero series are nonetheless crazily popular and perpetual money spinners for the studios. However, the one show which comic book fans don’t seem to like is Fox’s Gotham.

Gotham explores a rarely-seen episode of the Batman franchise: between the death of Batman’s parents and the rise of the Dark Knight himself. The lead character is Jim Gordon, a junior detective on the police force, with the teenage Bruce Wayne taking a lesser but significant portion of airtime.

It has been criticised for being a mediocre cop drama, unfaithful to the source material, or just purely unnecessary. However, all such criticisms overlook the

Mamma Mia “If you’re feeling down, if you’re all alone when the pretty birds have flown”, listen to ABBA. And the only thing better than listening to ABBA Gold when you’re feeling low, is listening to Meryl Streep and friends belting out those Eurovision-winning ballads. Although there are a few sad moments, what with ‘Slipping Through My Fingers’ and ‘When All Is Said and Done’, these are overwhelmingly positive tracks. Listening to ‘Dancing Queen’, it is surely impossible to feel sad anymore. Alice Mottram 10 Things I Hate About You You can’t listen to ‘Can’t Take My Eyes Off You’ without thinking of a young Heath Ledger singing this while evading security guards at his school sports pitch. Julia Stile’s modern Kat, or the shrew from Taming Of, listens to some classic “indie music of the angry girl variety” throughout the film. It is difficult not to bop your head as you listen to Salt-N-Pepa and Letters to Cleo. You’ll have tamed your laziness in no time. Olivia Fletcher Shrek 2 The beginning of term is always pretty stressful. Especially when you’re a finalist. Especially when you’re editor-in-chief of The Cambridge Student. It’s the Shrek 2 soundtrack that has motivated me to move from my bed to my morning coffee and from my room to the Monday 9am lecture that the English Faculty thought was a great idea to locate in the Mill Road Lecture Theatre (all hill college students will appreciate this struggle). Without the fabulous beat of ‘Accidentally in Love’ or the powerful progressions of ‘I Need a Hero’ I wouldn’t be here today. Freya Sanders

Will Amor

T

stroke of genius in Gotham: its stunning artistic direction.

The Batman franchise has been imagined in the camp Adam West serial, the post-punk Burton films and the sleek Nolan triptych. All of these styles are incorporated in the series, deliberately placed in a timeless, technologically and sartorially contradictory setting. It has the look of a dream, with oily dark visuals and incongruous locations,

Criticisms overlook the stroke of genius in Gotham: its stunning artistic direction effectively mirroring a key Batman theme: insanity.

Stylistic choices, like dressing Jerome’s gang of Arkham breakouts in straitjackets resembling 18th-century military costume, are achingly beautiful and almost totally overlooked by critics. Much as Detective Gordon defends the city of Gotham because he believes in the decency of humanity, I will defend the series of Gotham because I believe in its contribution to filmic art.

ADAM BAILEY

The Cambridge Student • Part 2 • 15 October 2015

3

Culture

Keep calm and carry on baking Cambridge’s star baker

Bake your way to success Camilla Penney Fancy yourself as the next Bake Off champion? Mastering a classic carrot cake and perfecting your chocolate chip cookies are a great way to start. Watch out Nadiya.

Carrot Cake Ingredients: 200g light brown sugar 2 eggs 200ml sunflower oil 200g self-raising flour 1 ½ tsp cinnamon 1 tsp mixed spice

½ tsp ground ginger 1 tsp baking powder 300g grated carrot ½ tsp vanilla essence 75g chopped walnuts 75g sultanas

Method: 1. Line a loaf tin and preheat the oven to 170⁰C. 2. Whisk the sugar, eggs and oil together until pale and thick (or your arm gets cramp). If you’re making this at home and have an electric whisk it will make things much easier but it can be done by hand.

3. Sift in the flour and mix with the spices and baking powder.

4. Stir in the carrots, vanilla, walnuts and sultanas.

5. Bake for one hour or until a skewer (or knife) poked into the middle of the cake comes out clean.

6. Turn out onto a rack to cool.

Chocolate Chip Cookies Ingredients: 75g softened butter 75g caster sugar 75g light brown sugar 1 egg 1 tsp vanilla essence

175g plain flour ½ tsp baking powder 150g chocolate chips (or chunks from a bar if you prefer)

Method: 1. Grease two baking trays and preheat oven to 180⁰C. 2. Cream (mix with a wooden spoon) the butter and both types of sugar until there are no more streaks of butter.

3. Beat the egg with the vanilla essence.

4. Gradually add the egg into the creamed butter and sugar, mixing well.

5. Sift the flour and baking powder into the mixture and stir until smooth.

6. Stir in half of the chocolate.

7. Using a dessert spoon spoon and a teaspoon, place evenly sized balls of the cookie mixture onto the greased trays and flatten a little.

8. Top with the remaining chocolate.

9. Bake for 10 minutes or until your preferred cookie colour is achieved.

10. Leave to cool on a wire rack.

Sue Perkins: ‘Spectacles’ Jemima Jobling Books Editor

T

he packed out lecture hall erupted into adoring applause as Sue Perkins took to the stage.

Breezy yet humble, she sat down and, true to queen-of-quip form, informed the audience that the last time she’d been in that room was 20 years earlier, asleep, in a semantics lecture. Cambridge Literary Festival saw Perkins grace our very own Lady Mitchell Hall with her effervescent presence in promotion of her first literary foray – her hilarious and wacky, yet moving and sincere memoir Spectacles. The audience fell instantly in love. Her effortless cool, her captivating demeanour and undeniably fantastic haircut seem a million

Honest, shameless, warmhearted miles from the stammering, shy, retiring young girl Perkins claims features in the book’s early chapters. Starting with these formative years, it follows the arc of her life, detailing each twist and turn of a journey she claims was driven only by who and what she loved.

Spectacles is full to the brim with laugh-out-loud moments such as Perkins’s acting debut as Óin the dwarf in an all-girls school production of The Hobbit, and the Medwards alumna chose to read aloud a passage entitled ‘The Cock and the Car’, recounting a comical case of mistaken homophobic vandalism. An English graduate and former president of the Footlights, she offers a fresh yet nostalgic perspective on the Cambridge experience.

Here she met life-long friend and fellow Bake Off host Mel

JEMIMA JOBLING

Giedroyc – a “freak with blonde hair and pink DMs” – with whom she purportedly spent many a day throwing together stand-up shows and guzzling vodka and scones.

Her passionate advice to the Cambridge student of today?

Don’t worry about your career, about your mortgage – this city is beautiful, you are so young and it’s going to be so amazing. No stranger to hardship though, Perkins’s memoir contains more poignant moments, from break-ins to the loss of loved ones. Amassed from memories found in her parents’ attic, Spectacles offers a beautiful, warmhearted, warts-and-all breakdown of her life.

A judge for the 2009 Booker Prize, the Croydon-born presenter-cum-writer claims many authors don’t know how to write a decent story or gripping plotline and it is this which she wished to defy. She described writing as an act of love. For all her protests of “awkwardness”, she is boundlessly eloquent and I, for one, cannot wait to delve more fully beneath Spectacles’ chic, minimalist exterior.

When asked “what next?”, Perkins confirmed plans to travel, intentions to keep writing and, besides the obligatory “dog walking” and “hanging out”, she assured the audience that “there will be cakes in a tent”.

Cambridge has its very own star baker in Charlotte Petter: a Murray Edwards student inspired by Great British Bake Off, who baked along with the challenges.

ALL IMAGES CHARLOTTE PETTER

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15 October 2015 • Part 2 • The Cambridge Student

Culture

Celebrating National Poetry Month Dear GZA, lyricism is alive and well TCS Team

E

arlier this year, Wu Tang Clan’s GZA wrote an open letter for online magazine Medium in which he claimed, “lyricism is gone” from modern rap music. Taylor Swift, on the other hand, claims “Poetry and lyrics are very similar.

[It’s a matter of]Making words bounce off a page.” Both have valid points, clearly. We take a look at some of our favourite song lyrics in an attampt to level the playing field. Run your eyes over them, and decide for yourself.

DAVID SHANKBONE

“Mr Cab Driver f**k you I’m a survivor” – Mr Cab Driver, Lenny Kravitz “I don’t believe in an interventionist God / But I know darling that you do. / But if I did, I would kneel down and ask him / Not to intervene when it came to you.” – ‘Into My Arms’, Nick Cave “the poets down here don’t write nothing at all, they just stand back and let it all be” – ‘Jungleland’, Bruce Springsteen “Why you Snapchatting in the club for? Just dance, man” – ‘Queen’s Speech Episode 4’, Lady Leshurr “If I told you that a flower bloomed in a dark room would you trust it?” – ‘Poetic Justice’, Kendrick Lamar ft. Drake “She was holding hands with Trevor. Not the greatest feeling ever.” – ‘The Less I Know The Better’, Tame Impala “To fall in love and fall in debt / To alcohol and cigarettes and Mary Jane / To keep me insane” – ‘Jesus of Suburbia’, Green Day “You say babies are for girls, business is for boys... try telling that to my stay-at-home f**ktoy.” – ‘Bitch in Business’ a parody of ‘All About That Bass’’ by CBS Follies “I don’t think you’re ready for this Jelly” – ‘Bootylicious’, Destiny’s Child We think these are pretty visionary (vision-a-scary). Tell us what you think on our website.

Poetry: Can it be read for fun?

Yes - a good poem is a work of art

No - does anyone really ‘get it’?

oetry is frequently referred to in unfavourable terms: boring, incomprehensible, pointless or turgid. The fact of the matter is that much poetry will be all of the above to most people. That said, to hate poetry is to hate music: an impossibility precluded simply by virtue of the breadth and depth of experience buried under that single word. Everyone has their taste, and unlike music, we are often not exposed to enough poetry to find the unique flavours that set off the palette that we all possess.

A good poem is a work of art. It captures something, from the clichéd daffodil to existential anxiety, and often that thing is moving. It can disturb or delight, elicit fear or ecstasy. Yet no matter how good the poem is, it can’t do this for everyone. There will be people who read the same lines and where others see Da Vinci, they see a piece of paper marred with a few ugly squiggles in that horrible brown crayon from the colouring set no child wants to use. Yet I believe that for every person, there are poems that will find a way past their cynical rejection of the powerful placement of words, and touch them.

Can poetry be read for fun? For personal joy and pleasure?

Yes, of course it can. There is a bad habit in education of stipulating that a poet is a ‘Great Poet’ that everyone should appreciate, while railroading past the fact that poetry is a delicate, intimate and personal thing. It is no wonder that people, when deprived of time to experiment and of their own personal views and tastes, hate poetry because of a GCSE. Poetry can be read for fun by everyone, if the right poems are found. No one is entirely dead of that appreciation, no matter how much they think it. I would go so far as to say that we only get something out of poetry if we connect with it, enjoy it, and find it fires the imagination. In that way it’s pointless to read poetry for anything other than fun.

Ronan Marron

sort of literary litmus test when it comes to identifying oneself as intelligent, you either ‘get’ poetry or you don’t. Or rather you say that you ‘get it’, or you stare blankly at the verse, entangled in the imagistic patterns and deep allegorical meaning that you should ‘get’, but don’t.

‘Getting it’ is the ultimate badge of superior intellect, reserved for a select few who have been blessed with the intricate, analytical mindset required to fully appreciate poetry. One student looks up, having diligently perused that Zephaniah poem, and confirms to the class with an assertive nod, ‘I get it’. A second student follows suit, parroting the declaration, eager to join that privileged rank.

A logical fallacy arises in which the second student thinks that the first ‘gets it’ and so claims they also ‘gets it’ in order to match the self-declared poetic connoisseur. Yet the first had only originally claimed that they ‘got it’ as they knew that the second would probably ‘get it’ before they did. They both want to join that exclusive club of poetical prowess.

Since poetry is rarely encountered in anywhere other than a stuffy classroom of double English with Mr Crabtree, many are put off from the outset as they observe such intellectual posturing and realise that they simply aren’t clever enough to enjoy the verse before them. Poetry is perceived as a towering plinth upon which an elite few stand. Many are put off for life as the study of poetry is synonymous with the trumpeting of technical jargon. Rather than being a form of enjoyment, poetic analysis is simply an instrument through which to dangle one’s intellect before the masses.

Such flaunting of ‘knowledge’ requires no individual merit whatsoever. And so the student thrusts their hand into the air, taking full advantage of our readiness to associate enjoying poetry with being intelligent.

This begs the question - does anyone really “get it”?

Michael Morrison

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A

Haunting and heart-breaking: Poetry in film

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or some reason, films about poets always seem to leave one thoroughly harrowed. These ones will certainly leave you somewhat emotionally exhausted. However, it’s worth it: they’re pieces of art in their own right.

Bright Star ‘Bright star, would I were steadfast as thou art’. The first line of John Keats’ perennial sonnet, even when not recited in Ben Whishaw’s extraordinarily mellifluous voice, can trigger goose bumps. In this film, which tells the story of Keats’ relationship with Fanny Brawne (played spectacularly by Abbie Cornish), it’s paired with intensely intimate acting, and visionary directing. Make sure the Kleenex are not distant, even if you’ve seen it several times before. Freya Sanders Dead Poets Society I’m sure most Cambridge students can appreciate the playful and challenging spirit of the Dead Poets Society, and yet the film becomes unexpectedly heart-breaking as it unfolds, firing up a love of Whitman in any child, but especially in those who are products of the British boarding school system.

For those who haven’t seen it, it is also one of Robin Williams’ most poignant performances, and the reason some people stand on tables shouting, “O captain, my captain” somewhat tearfully after a few too many. Charlotte Furniss-Roe

4ALL via YOUTUBE

USSKYPIC via YOUTUBE

The Cambridge Student • Part 2 • 15 October 2015

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Culture

Musical Dialogues: Oberst, Smith and Soren Kierkegaard Max Maher

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lliot Smith’s influence on Nebraskan singersongwriter Conor Oberst is well acknowledged.

The mythical figure of the lonely heroin addict, who committed suicide in 2003, had a lasting effect on Oberst – both inspiring and destructive in equal measure.

The Smith-Kierkegaard connection is perhaps even clearer.

Smith’s second album, ‘Either/Or’, takes its name from the philosopher’s first published work, translating Kierkegaard’s exploration of two opposing ways of life into the context of drug and alcohol abuse in 1990s America: it embodies that tension between an “aesthetic” life, which seeks immediate external pleasures and avoids commitment, and an ‘ethical’ life, which appreciates the importance of internal reflection, and strives to take control of development into a better human being.

Kierkegaard’s later and most famous book, Fear and Trembling, plays an equally important part in Bright Eyes’ BRIAN HILLAGAS

first really mature album, I’m Wide Awake It’s Morning. The title of its first track, ‘At the Bottom of Everything’, is a quote from taken the book: “If there were no eternal consciousness in a man, if at the bottom of everything there were only [...] an unfathomable, insatiable emptiness [...] what would life be but despair?” This might be paraphrased into a struggle with nihilism implicit in secular modern life. What is most interesting, though, is how both musicians transcend Kierkegaardian thought – which is their starting point – and the way in which, for Oberst, the figure of Smith helps him to do this.

How to review: A TCS workshop Learning how to write a review – from background research to those final finishing touches minutes before a deadline – can be one of the most rewarding ways to engage with the music and theatre on offer at Cambridge. Led by Theatre Editor Tom Bevan and other members of the Michaelmas team, TCS’ second review writing workshop is the perfect way to ease yourself into writing for us and will take you through research, content, style and some general tips from some experienced writers.

TOM BEVAN

Smith’s music embodies that tension between an ‘aesthetic’ life, and an ‘ethical’ one...

The first half of Kierkegaard’s Fear and Trembling centres on a hypothetical aesthete, and Smith’s album follows a similar structure: its first four tracks addressing a figure whose hedonism, selfishness and self-imposed isolation lead ultimately to despair. “You can do what you want to whenever you want to / You can do what you want to, there’s no-one to stop you’, goes the chorus of ‘Ballad of Big Nothing”. In ‘Between the Bars’, a whiskey bottle delivers a haunting serenade: “Drink up one more time / And I’ll make you mine / Keep you apart / Deep in my heart / Separate from the rest / Where I like you the best”. This figure’s freedom is a curse leaving them alone and at the mercy of their addictions.

Read the full article on our website.

“A rewarding workshop that reassured me that I could definitely get involved in student journalism.”

Previous attendee TCS Review Writing Workshop 31st October, 3pm The Pelican Bar, Corpus Christi

Word of the Week: we’re all psymatic If you’ve always prided yourself on having excellent chat, this is the word for you.

Jess Payn Columnist

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o that time of year has come and past: Freshers.

Even into week two, conversations remain focused around continuous questions. Enquiries, interrogations and queries abound about how your ‘summer’ was, whether you’re excited to be back, if you have new goals and resolutions for the coming year – or just simply who you are, and related essentials like which college you’re at and which subject you study.

Social interaction starts to feel a bit like verbal ping pong, questions batted back and forth in the greedy gleaning of information and summer gossip.

There is a name for this phenomenon. It sounds slightly rude (or maybe I’m just pronouncing it badly), but strangely enough it has sufficient prestige to make it into the urban dictionary and therefore must (surely) have some relevance.

The term is ‘pysmatic’: a state we all adopt, either through choice or necessity, every Michaelmas Term, as we find ourselves persistently questioning and enquiring, morphing into interrogative creatures – ready with our arsenal of

questions to solicit exciting nuggets of information.

It is on one level the perfect antidote to social awkwardness: what better way to stave off uncomfortable silences than to relentlessly question your peers? But there is, of course, the concomitant risk of developing foot-in-mouth disorder as a result, where you become so desperate to think of another question – any question – to keep conversation flowing that you ask the wrong questions. Like, for example, ‘How is your boyfriend/girlfriend/other half?’ (when they’ve just split up), ‘Why haven’t you had a haircut?’, ‘Were you excited about the Labour leadership result?’ or ‘Are you religious?’ Even when the questions are not accidentally offensive or explosive, desperation can produce very odd results. Google, for example, brings up a page of ‘interesting questions’ to put to people which includes ‘Have you ever danced in the rain?’ and ‘Would you be willing to eat a bowl of crickets for £40,000?’. There are indeed a variety of ways in which pysmatic tendencies can manifest themselves.

First, what I shall term the pysmatic socialite, who asks a

plethora of rather meaningless questions to maintain his/ her gregarious reputation, appearing friendly and engaged to everyone s/he meets. Then there is the genuinely inquisitive and eager person, interested in the world around them, intellectually curious; a more academic and acceptable brand of pysmatism perhaps.

And third, I would suggest as part of my broad stereotyping, is that slightly awkward character whose conversation lies somewhere in between artifice and sincerity: definitely keen to find out about people, but not sure how to go about doing so, with the result that questions can range from the easily expected to the completely random, and can vary in intensity and speed (with the omnipresent temptation to go into overdrive). The categories overlap, of course, and pysmatic urges can come and go – as you may well be discovering at the start of this new academic year. But curiosity is the key element to making sure your pysma isn’t empty; questions without curiosity seem pretty pointless, absurd – rude, even.

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15 October 2015 • Part 2 • The Cambridge Student

Reviews ‘Switch’ has audience in stiches Basha Wells-Dion

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ith more puns than you can shake a pair of pants on a stick at, and certainly one of the most imaginative ranges of facial expressions I have ever seen on a human being, Switch swings from the hilarious to the downright outrageous. The first scene raises more questions than simply the suggested ‘why are we in a German sex dungeon?’, but after the brief guide to switching it’s easy to be swept along by the surrealism of the show. The basic principle is continuity; each scene starts in the same position as the last one. Actors change and props are swapped, but the aim is to keep the momentum flowing from scene to scene.

And it really works. Fast-paced and unique compared to anything else I’ve seen in Cambridge, Switch manages to incorporate everything from physical comedy to scathing topical political quips (one of the highlights being a horrific yet hysterical portrayal of David Cameron’s supposed escapades with a deceased pig).

This show treads a fine line between laughter and awkwardness. It mostly falls on the right side of this line; the odd preference for blind jokes took it a little too far the other way. While I love the very meta approach to comedy and script writing popular in Cambridge, what more can you really add to a sketch of satanic chanting about Ainsley Harriot? A lot of the scenes stood on their own without these moments of chaos.

Despite a few near misses, the show was great fun. The writing was original, the acting impressive, and the punch lines drew some huge laughs from the audience.

“And another one begins...” The end of the show brings us full circle, in a conclusion just as bizarre as the opening. To us leaving, not quite sure what it was we had just seen, Switch offers a hilarious whirlwind of ridiculousness, and I really hope that the team write another show soon.

7/10

Kenneth Watton Returns Tom Bevan Theatre Editor

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here is something inherently unnerving about stepping into a room and becoming part of a performance you initially went along to watch. In the case of the second instalment of Kenneth Watton’s Bedtime Chat Show, we became active members of a fictional studio audience as well as observers of a parody of this prime time staple.

The show was largely a success, albeit if the charismatic lead was not quite developed enough to carry through 90 minutes alone.

Although perhaps that was the point, as the seemingly one-dimensional, optimistic TV talk show host gradually fell apart while a stream of guests joined him on the sofa.

Clad in a double bathrobe and sporting a knitted aubergine, Kyle Turakhia took on the role of Kenneth who, like any decent late night talk show host, was a bit bumbly, slightly self-absorbed and suitably smarmy.

The array of guests, themselves wellcrafted caricatures of the B-list celebrities you’d expect to see on a chat show, arrived from the offstage green room in a steady

rhythm and it was the clever character formation and interaction that for the most part won us over, as opposed to bags full of drastically funny punchlines.The accurate presentation of a philosophically ‘enlightened’ former boxer was delivered perfectly by Dillon Mapletoft, whose interview with Kenneth provided some of my favourite lines of the night.

Punctuated by some incredibly funny moments – including a tea lady taped in tens of spoons and Henry Wilkinson’s wickedly droll severed head – nonetheless, it could be the show perhaps overused awkward anti-humour and could have been fleshed out with a few more punchy skits.

The dark twists and turns in the lead up towards an absurd brawling conclusion were enough to remind us just how ridiculous the whole concept of a chat show is and I left feeling slightly bewildered, but certainly entertained.

6/10

ADC Mainsho hits the hi Will Amor Lead Reviewer

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eter Shaffer’s play, depicting the rivalry of composers Salieri and Mozart is in some ways the quintessential Cambridge play: disdainfully undermining your supervision partner after you find out his first-class essay was written in all of 30 minutes the night before is something many of us are no doubt guilty of.

Amadeus at the ADC artfully follows the rise and fall of Mozart at the Viennese court, all overseen by a jealous and increasingly vindictive Salieri. The play largely rests on the shoulders of its lead actor Joe Spence, playing Salieri, who manages to captivate from the outset and maintain interest in this play of operatic length. While Spence portrays a composer who just about succeeds in maintaining the dignity and modesty required at an imperial court, his foil Tim Vaughan, in the

role of Mozart, exudes boyish irreverence.

As the character becomes more desperate, this jovial composure slowly decays into dismay and madness. Another performance

Refreshing and reliable comic relief in wide-eyed confusion worth mentioning is that of Sam Knights, whose Emperor Joseph provides refreshing and reliable comic relief in his wide-eyed confusion. The comedy is a strength, finding itself throughout the piece. The most successful dramatic moments were created when the action was complemented with music played in the auditorium. Salieri overcome when reading Mozart’s ingenious manuscripts and Mozart struck down by an apparition of his dead father coincide with outstanding musical direction.

The Cambridge Student • Part 2 • 15 October 2015

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Reviews BEA CADWALLADER

On the Savage Beauty of ‘Macbeth’ Maddy Airlie Lifestyle Editor

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cotland has never looked so striking on screen. The ragged mountains and bare fields are the perfect backdrop for this film, for its battles and the bloody struggle to the position of royalty for the Macbeths (Michael Fassbender and Marion Cotillard, two of the planet’s most beautiful humans).

This is a grim portrayal which realises the brutality of Shakespeare’s play and leaves out any laughs; the funeral scene of the dead child that the film begins with shows us a couple with very little left to lose. The lead performances are intense, with admirable support from the rest of the cast, especially Banquo (Paddy Considine) whose gradual wariness of Macbeth comes across in his stony expressions.

However, it is not possible to rely on strong acting and stunning cinematography.

The director admitted that he didn’t want the verse to take precedence in the film, he wanted the speeches to sound conversational. While it’s understandable that making Shakespeare relevant to a global audience is always a challenge, refusing to let the verse breathe at crucial moments was a real failing, especially

when so much of Macbeth verse is some of Shakespeare’s best poetry. For instance, Lady Macbeth’s first speech, asking the gods to ‘unsex me here’ is dramatic enough on its own without the music - whilst good but unsubtle - overlaying it. At the same time, the film cuts from Lady Macbeth muttering in the intimate space of her candlelit chapel to Macbeth coming home with the rest of his soldiers against the misty Scottish landscape, which is visually overwhelming

This grim portrayal realises the brutality of Shakespeare’s play and leaves out any laughs when our attention should be on the words.

Kurzel’s vision packs a punch that the 1971 Polanski definitively lacks; there is plenty of moody atmosphere and charismatic performances but the visual poetry cannot take the crown from Shakespeare’s lines that are too often left in the shadows.

ow ‘Amadeus’ Film: ‘The Martian’ igh notes R

7/10

Sam Rhodes

The effect of the music was especially powerful as they are the genuine works of Mozart and help to inform his biography as it unfurls on stage. Occasionally the music and the actors’ gestures were slightly out of sync during scenes where characters conduct or play the piano, though perhaps such asynchronicity irked just this pedant

Intriguing themes of ingenuity, jealousy, power and conspiracy reviewer. The sublime beauty of Mozart’s compositions was welcome throughout.

The set design made good use of the space available, with neo-Classical columns transporting the audience to Enlightenment era Austria.

The lighting was also particularly strong, distinguishing between daytime receptions

at court, boozy soirées and nights at the opera well. A particular highlight was the use of costume, which proved to show the richness of eighteenth century fashion amongst polite society. A pity that the cast did not sport the powdered wigs of the age as well, but the variety and detail of frock coats and dresses was a delight.

Overall, this production represents the source material successfully through consistently able acting and often stellar artistic management. Intriguing themes of ingenuity, jealousy, power and conspiracy abound, even opening up a space for wider questions of language, national culture and the role of hereditary monarchy. At its best, Amadeus this week really can hit the high notes.

8/10

idley Scott’s career is best summed up by a word that has long been a friend of lazy movie critics everywhere: uneven. Epochal highlights such as Alien and Gladiator far outshine some of his far less notable recent work (Robin Hood and Prometheus spring immediately to mind.) The Martian forms an uncanny resemblance to Scott’s career in many regards – it has fantastic highs, more than one dud moment, and it’s far better whenever it’s set in space.

The film is essentially about solving problems. Within minutes of opening, a manned mission to Mars has gone horribly wrong, and a living astronaut has been left behind. Years away from rescue and with limited supplies, Mark Watney has only his ingenuity and a big pile of delightfully plausible space-tech to keep him going. Anchoring the whole film is the consistently outstanding Matt Damon who tells the story, mainly via monologue, with great humour and panache.

The cast on Earth, by way of contrast, sometimes fail to live up to the action occurring 55 million kilometres away. Sean Bean appears occasionally confused as to whether or not he’s in a po-faced melodrama

or a comedy (The Martian is neither), and a series of increasingly stretched Lord of the Rings references are almost astonishingly clunky, if fun. However, Donald Glover plays an outstanding cameo as steely-eyed missile man Rich Purnell, and Chiwetel Ejiofor just about holds the action on Earth together as Vincent Kapoor, head of the missions to Mars.

Overall, it feels churlish to complain about the odd weak performance when the whole film is just so much fun. Some of the camera work, sensibly taking notes from Gravity, evokes genuine peril despite the fairly light tone throughout, and the script clearly leans heavily on the very witty source material. Calling a film uneven is ultimately lazy, because while The Martian occasionally reminds the viewer that they are in a cinema, this realisation in no way impacts the effectiveness of the rest of the film. Just as Robin Hood doesn’t retroactively ruin Alien, the weaknesses in the The Martian are easily forgotten in the face of some deeply human and even truly powerful storytelling.

8/10

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Lifestyle

The Cambridge Student • Part 2 • 15 October 2015

Browsing seconhand gems in the best of Cambridge’s charity shops Best of the books Jemima Jobling Books Editor

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he book section of your local charity shop may still remain a mystery to you. With so many good charity shops lurking on so many Cambridge streets, it’s high time to shake off the urge to splurge on crisp Waterstones hardbacks and to embrace all things second hand.

After an afternoon spent perusing the higgledy-piggledy shelves of the crème de la crème of the Cambridge charity shops, we showcase for you here a mere sampling of what bookish wonders might be in store.

Nestled amongst the dodgy celebrity autobiographies lie bestsellers such as Caitlin Moran’s How to be a Woman (a hilarious exploration of female teendom), Bill Bryson’s A Walk in the Woods (now a recently-released blockbuster film starring Robert Redford) and Helen Macdonald’s award-winning H is for Hawk – all available at less than two pounds apiece. Fork out a bit more and you could take home stacks of dusty Dickens novels and vintage Penguin Classics.

Alternatively, take a break from fiction and drool over one of Oxfam’s many cookery books and travel guides – you’ll be impressing your peers with your home-cooked tagines or knowledge of trendy cities in no time. Moreover, this being a student city, the shelves are brimming with graduate donations. Forget looking on Amazon for that textbook your lecturer insists is essential (all £40 of it) and pop to the nearest charity shop – it could be yours for less than a fiver.

However, there exists another, more bizarre, side to charity shop book-browsing. In just a couple of hours of perusing, you will come across such niche interests as The New Oxford Book of Christian Verse and The World’s Greatest UFO and Alien Encounters. You will find admittedly rather tempting titles such as Is It Just Me Or Is Everything Shit? and 300 Beers to Try Before You Die. Arguably the most enticing and thrilling literary prospects of all on this particular charity shop journey – A Guide to the Steam Railways of Great Britain and The Collins Nature Guide to Fossils. I think I may be giving those ones a miss...

Home from home Making a college room your own can be a challenge, especially on a budget. Look no further than local charity shops for some unique finds.

1. A set of novelty, ceramic, squirrel-shaped egg cups.

2. A delightful cross stitch of historic York Minster, sure to brighten any college bedroom.

3.A handcrafted ostrich ornament made from painted pine cones.

4. Rather terrifyingly, a vintage doll’s head.

5. An elaborate, turtle-shaped jelly mould the Victorians themselves would’ve been proud of.

6. Last but not least, an entire collection of ornamental clogs – in a range of colours, naturally.

Shopping on a shoestring Jessie Mathewson Fashion Editor

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harity shopping: the broke student’s answer to overpriced vintage shops. We all know that person who dresses themselves exclusively from The Salvation Army and The British Red Cross shops, and looks enviably chic every single day of the week. Charity shopping is a big deal: it’s cheap, allows you to develop your own unique style, and (most importantly) you’re recycling and donating to a great cause at the same time!

But how easy is it to dress yourself from a Cambridge charity shop? Last weekend, I went to The Grafton Centre with Anastasia Picton to find out.

Our first stop was the British Heart Foundation shop. It’s well-stocked and pretty cheap, so definitely one to check out. For Anastasia we found a cute space-age skirt in purple and black (£3.99), and a green short-sleeve jumper (£4.49) that will be perfect as the weather starts to get colder.

Meanwhile, I raided the men’s section and matched an oversized shirt (£5.55) and tie (£2.99) with black jeans (incredibly, also £2.99). We found a load more cute knitwear, a selection of men’s plaid shirts for under a fiver, and lots of cheap, basic jeans. This is somewhere to go for quirky staples, but don’t forget to look out for more interesting items, like the faux-fur coats and black leather shorts we came across.

Next stop – the PDSA shop. It tends to be a little understocked, but don’t be put off. Anastasia put a tartan skirt (£5.95), with a black lace top (£3.95), and a men’s tweed blazer (£7.95). Skinny jeans (£4.99), a velvet top (£3.50) and pink cardigan (£2.95) went together for my outfit. Note the price of the cardigan – the shop’s 50% discount rack is not to be missed.

Last on our list was Oxfam: it’s huge, and, as well as the usual stock, it has an impressive range of ball gowns that’d be well worth browsing in the run up to May Week.

Tempting, but in the end Anastasia chose a purple velvet top (£10), patterned shirt (£3.99) and skinnies (£4.99). The jeans also matched with a wonderfully textured pink shirt (£6.99) and sleeveless jumper (£4.99). Oxfam is a little more expensive than some of the other shops, but its stock tends to make up for it.

With essay deadlines looming, we only had time to visit a few shops – but Sense, Mind, the Red Cross and Cancer Research are also at the Grafton, and all are well worth a visit. The next stop for charity shoppers is Mill Road, where you’ll find more charity shops on what’s arguably Cambridge’s most interesting street.

Whether you’re shopping for a last-minute bop costume, relieving stress with a little retail therapy, or killing a miraculously free Saturday afternoon, Cambridge’s charity shops are worth a visit.

Cheap, ethical, and full of stylish clothes – what more could you want?

Photography Jenny Chalmers

The Cambridge Student • Part 2 • 15 October 2015

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Lifestyle

Cambridge’s best burgers

ANNA CARRUTHERS

GRACE MURRAY

Lucy Roxburgh Food Editor 1. ‘Ooh La La’, Butch Annie’s: This burger is so good it was worth going two nights in a row and facing the shame of being recognised by the waiters. Even if you’re not a huge fan of garlic mayo, or think oven-roasted tomato sounds overly fancy, this burger is still worth a try. Don’t forget a side order of the equally irresistible rosemary salt skin-on chips.

2. ‘Blazing Sombrero’, Gourmet Burger Kitchen: Can’t decide between Mexican or burgers for dinner? Don’t!

The Blazing Sombrero steps up the standard beef burger with a hefty serving of spicy chorizo relish and the ultimate addition that sounds like it shouldn’t work but does a hidden base layer of tortilla chips.

Rosemary Murray, Murray Edwards

Girton

Loving that library life A summer away can make you long for the library again

3. ‘Cheese’, Byron: Let’s be real, the draw of Byron over GBK is the courgette fries. Admittedly a deep-fried serving of these is not the healthiest way to reach your 5-a-day, but they’ve got to be better for you than standard chips. Bearing that in mind, keep it classic with a cheese burger and make your only decision as to which of the six cheeses to top your beef with.

MADDY AIRLIE

AMELIA OAKLEY

4. ‘Pulled chicken, bacon and bacon jam’, Smokeworks: The equivalent of a meat feast pizza, this burger has a triple serving of meat and each one is equally delicious. Pulled chicken seems gimmicky but works and bacon jam is so much better than it sounds - sweet, salty and sticky all in one. Not a burger for somebody with a light appetite.

5. ‘Cheeseburger’,Trailer of Life: Perfect for keeping your hands warm on the walk home and easing your hangover the next day. To be consumed after midnight only.

Forbes Mellon, Clare

Quincentenary, Jesus

Culinary Dreamin’: Ad hoc interviews Entering the culinary world is daunting

from the get-go, even at interview Hetty Gullifer Columnist

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alking into a kitchen to meet a head chef is not like most other job interviews. Chefs are running around in peculiar pyjama-type checked trousers and odd white jackets yelling terminology only working chefs know. Examples include ‘backs’ (as in ‘mind your back I’m carrying something hot behind you’) and ‘up to the pass’ (as in ‘my dish is ready to be examined by the head chef and then taken’).

They’ll be eating the best-looking scrambled eggs out of saucepans, whipped up by one of their colleagues on a whim for breakfast, or drinking coffee out of plastic beakers or jugs because the fancy cups are reserved for the clientele.

It will simultaneously appear the friendliest yet most intimidating place you could ever work in.

The head chef will wash his hands from whatever job he was doing (I am sad to say I’ve not met a female head chef yet) as he will be mucking in with all the other chefs – even though his word is law in the kitchen – and come over to say ‘hi’.

The interview will last 10 minutes as lunch service will be starting soon, and that’s far more important to the chef than talking to you. Usually in a job interview you can bet they’ll ask you soul-destroying questions: “what are your strengths and weaknesses?”, “describe a situation where you proved your leadership skills in the workplace”.

In a restaurant, they don’t care. If it turns out you’re hopeless they’ll fire you straight away. What chefs will ask you is why you are interested in food, what your favourite food is, how you like your coffee or your steak cooked.

Showing a passion for food is much more important than anything else. In my last interview the chef insisted that he would only give me a work placement if I came and ate at the restaurant first, as I could only work there if I’d “tasted the food and liked it”.

Above all, tenacity is prized among chefs. The easiest job I ever got? Meeting Heston Blumenthal and asking him whether I could have work experience in his restaurant.

Weirdly enough it worked, no CV required.

The Cambridge Student • Part 2 • 15 October 2015

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Lifestyle

Budgeting for Michaelmas Realistically, where is your student loan going to end up?

Cambridge listings: Week two Isobel Laidler Lifestyle Editor Fill your boots with the delightful array of events that our city has to offer this week. We have Q&A’s, Music, Fairs and Exhibitions all for your entertainment. Aren’t we nice?

Fri 16 Theatre – Q&A with RSC actress Justine Waddell. hosted by the Shadwell Society. Gonville & Caius, 7pm.

Sat 17 Cash-friendly fashion – Cambridge Affordable Vintage Fair, Guildhall Market Square, 10:30am.

Let’s get political – CULC Women’s Social, The Vaults, 7pm.

Music – Broadway at Trinity, Trinity Chapel, 8pm.

Sun 18 For a night out – Itchy Feet, Lola Lo’s, 11pm.

Tues 20 Music – Alex Rodzanko – Piano music from Rachmaninov and Beethoven, West Road Concert Hall, 1:10pm.

Women for women – CAMWIB welcomes P&G’s Geraldine Huse, Magdelene College, 6–7pm.

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Art – Art Under fire: Art Crime in Times of War and Peace, Classics Fac. G19, 6:30–8:30pm.

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Weds 21 King of King’s – These Walls, King’s Chapel 500th Anniversary, 8pm–22 October 8pm.

In it for the long term: A cantab couple JOE ROBERTSON

Ru Merritt

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t is a challenge to maintain a social life amidst our normal termly pressures; it’s either a rushed tea break, an awkward encounter in a club or a hesitant chat over Tinder may have to suffice. However, for some people, their time at Cambridge just wouldn’t be the same without their other half.

Ru says: My boyfriend and I have been together since the end of Michaelmas in first year.

Let’s start with the negatives of this fact. Sharing a single bed can become tiring after two years (even for those of us who tower at an impressive five feet). Trying to find time to be together when he’s on a scientist’s schedule and I’m on a humanities student’s (essentially non-existent) schedule can be frustrating. As well as this, being constantly jibed by your friends that you ‘live’ in your partner’s college can become a bit of a bore…

A bed in a central college, cuddles, an exam buddy – this is the stuff relationships are made of But having said this, there are many positives: his friends are fantastic, his accommodation is a useful central hub (the trek to Murray Edwards is not always what you want when coming back late from Cindies or an all-nighter at the ADC) and going to his college’s Frmals and May Balls have been great every year.

However, for me it’s the odd things about having a partner

that really mean something. Of course there are the hugs, kisses and *ahem* other perks… but let’s face it, sometimes the smaller things matter the most.

One example will suffice: since returning to Cambridge I have had a horribly sore back, but we soon discovered that if he sat behind me and we wedged a water bottle between us, all my back-pain quickly drifted away. This is the stuff relationships are made of.

Being with him from first year means that he’s now someone who makes university feel like ‘home’ for me.

We’ve gone through that awkward ‘getting to know you’ freshers’ phase, the horrifically pressurised ‘PISS OFF I NEED TO REVISE’ exam-term phase and we’ve made it through the ‘I’m not actually going to see you for months’ summer vacation phase (twice).

So now, he’s the Robin to my Batman, the milk to my tea, the Seeley to my History faculty. What I’m trying to say is that he’s always there for me and to be honest, Cambridge would be a far lonelier place for me if he wasn’t.

Ali says: I agree, it’s the little things that make a difference. I often get tired of working in my room, but now I always have another one to work in. It’s a nice change of scenery.

I’ve also met a lot of people that I would have never come into contact with otherwise - people on her course, people from her college and people that she just knows because apparently she knows everyone in Cambridge (Ru somehow says hi to more people than I do when we’re walking through my college). Everyone knows studying at Cambridge is incredibly difficult, but being with Ru has certainly made it easier.

ED HARDING

The Cambridge Student • Part 2 • 15 October 2015

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Take one, make three: Gnocchi Lucy Roxburgh Food and Drink Editor

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nocchi is regularly on offer in Sainsbury’s for £1 a packet – meaning each serving is only 50p. Offering both value for money, a change from your standard pasta and a super speedy dinner (cooking in just two minutes), it’s definitely worth grabbing a bag or two when you spot it. However, the frequent problem when bulk buying special deals is ending up with a fridge full of food and no ideas: it is all too easy to get stuck in a recipe rut and quickly become bored with eating the same old meals every day. These three simple recipes – each using half a bag of gnocchi and serving one – will reinspire.

Gnocchi with creme fraiche, bacon and peas: Boil the gnocchi for two minutes until it floats. Meanwhile, fry three rashers of bacon until crispy. Snip into small pieces. Drain the gnocchi, return to the saucepan and add 2tbsp creme fraiche, 3tbsp of frozen peas, the chopped bacon and plenty of seasoning. Heat for 2-3 minutes, stirring, until everything is warmed through and the peas are fully defrosted.

Tomato and mozzarella gnocchi bake: Fry one onion in one tablespoon of oil for ten minutes until softened. Crush one clove of garlic, add to the onion and fry for two minutes. Add one tin of chopped tomatoes and simmer for 10-15 minutes until reduced and thickened.

Season generously with salt and pepper. Meanwhile, boil

Lifestyle

the gnocchi for two minutes until it floats. Once cooked, drain and stir half the sauce into the gnocchi. Tip into a baking dish, top with mozzarella slices and cook in the oven for a further ten minutes at 200°C until the mozzarella is browned.

Pan fried gnocchi, pesto and broccoli: Cut half a head of broccoli into florets and boil for 8 minutes until tender. Boil the gnocchi for two minutes until it floats, then drain. Heat 2tbsp of olive oil in a frying pan, then tip in your cooked gnocchi. Fry for 5-8 minutes, only stirring occasionally, until the gnocchi is golden brown and crispy. Drain the broccoli and return to the saucepan.

Add the fried gnocchi and 2tbsp of pesto and heat until everything is warmed through.

LUCY ROXBURGH

An unexpected fashion article Jessie Mathewson Fashion Editor

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ashion and beauty: it’s fair to say that the section is not renowned for its weight and depth. That’s not to detract from fashion journalism as an institution. Indeed much of that perception is just that – a perception. Fashion journalism does provide what might be termed the ‘light and fluffy’ side of journalism, an opportunity for escape – be it a run down of the latest trends, advice on how to work this season’s twist on knitwear, or a make-up tutorial. If that’s what you need right now, I recommend you skip back a few pages and read our review of Cambridge charity shops.

But fashion journalism can undoubtedly do something more. Clothes provide an important medium for us to express ourselves, and on the catwalk they have the potential to transcend any message that might be conveyed by an individual wearer, and be presented as a pure art form. But the intersection here is complex – fashion is never really just art. It’s also a highly desirable luxury. And its form is also a necessity. We may be inspired to reflect by what we see on the catwalk; we may covet the bags, and shoes, and shirts that we see on the high street; but we also need clothes to keep us warm, to protect us from the elements – they’re something we can’t do without.

Over the vac, as I prepared to take up my role as fashion editor, I followed the shows in New York, London, Milan and Paris. But I was also following something else in the news, something far more urgent and affecting than any Fashion Week. The refugee crisis in Europe is the biggest mass movement of people since the Second World War. Thousands of men, women and children are risking their

lives to cross the sea on flimsy ships, in the desperate hope of a safer life. Many are living in squalid conditions in refugee camps, lacking basic necessities. Not just clothes, but food, clean water, medicine.

Reflection on the refugee crisis might seem callous in this context, amidst articles that, however well-written, are devoted to food, theatre and fashion. Whatever degree of gravity it might aspire to, the lifestyle section feels like the wrong place. But isn’t this how we always digest the news of other people’s catastrophes? In the paper over breakfast, spread out on the table by the toast and jam; in an online article with Topshop.com open in the next tab; at the end of the TV news in the college bar. Our lives are always going on – incongruous though they might seem, it’s inevitable.

And that’s why we need to pause, and string together those moments of awareness. We might come to the fashion section expecting articles about clothes. The clothes we want, not the clothes other people need. The clothes that are one of many necessities so many people are doing without.

This article probably isn’t what you expected – it might not feel like a lifestyle article – but life in a refugee camp doesn’t have to fit into our neatly compartmentalised sense of our own lives. So I’m asking you to step out of the bubble for a moment and to think. I’m not suggesting you donate money to this or that charity; or attend a protest about the refugee crisis; or petition the government. What you do is your own decision. But this crisis has made me aware of the wider context of what I write. I can’t switch this issue on and off with the news anymore. I hope that it’ll do the same for you as a reader.

EUROPEAN COMMISSION DG ECHO

The Cambridge Student • Part 2 • 15 October 2015

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Lifestyle

How keen for Cambridge are you? Take the TCS Quiz Features Team It is a truth universally acknowledged that to be a Cambridge student you have to be keen. But how keen is keen? We have compiled the ultimate quiz for you and your friends to competitively complete. For the new students, tick off the things you can’t wait to do, or perhaps have done already. For the finalists out there, get thinking about what you have checked off already and what you want to have achieved by the time you graduate. Then, check your score and see how keen for Cambridge you really are.

Go punting to Grantchester (champagne optional)

Be photographed by the Daily Mail

Go day-drinking at a garden party

Go to the Botanical Gardens

Tour the feminist art at Murray Edwards

Shout “I’d rather be at Oxford than St. John’s”

Attend a concert at West Road Concert Hall

Watch the Boat Race surrounded by Cantabs

Run for a JCR position

Visit the Van of Life (and the Van of Death)

Write an article for The Cambridge Student

Go to a Corpus mainshow and lateshow in one night

Cycle down King’s Parade with your gown flapping

Try rowing (even if only once)

Get photographed in said gown by tourists

Go to Evensong

Get college married and start your own college family

Get deaned

How did you score?

0–10:Third You’ve made a start at being a proper Cambridge student, but you’re lacking the zest required to really make it. You try and justify your score with the cry ‘I’m focussing on my art right now’ but the truth is you’re just not trying hard enough. Get your act together, and your gown on.

Go for Formal at every college (including Wolfson)

Buy stash: scarves, jumpers, t-shirts, hats, bow ties

Penny friends at said Formals

Climb Castle Hill and watch the May Week fireworks

Go for Chelsea Buns at Fitzbillies

Cross every bridge in Cambridge

Walk to Girton and take a dip in their swimming pool

Steal a traffic cone

Take a picture of King’s Chapel

Go to a college bop (preferably Churchill PAV)

Go on a swap to Curry King or Sesame

Waste hours on ‘When in Cambridge’ Tumblr

Spend lavish amounts of money on tickets to May Balls

Watch an entire TV series on Netflix in two days

Go to Cindies on a Wednesday

Walk out of a lecture feeling inspired

Fall in the river while punting

Go to a Turf event and throw some shapes

Have breakfast at Bill’s, then maybe lunch too

Debate at the Union or make a point of information

Cycle to Grantchester meadows

Climb the roof of King’s Chapel

Go to Sainsbury’s in your gown

Take a play to the Edinburgh Festival Fringe

Fall asleep in a lecture

Sing in a chapel choir

Bullshit your way through a supervision

Jump on the Jesus College horse

Have brunch at all the colleges

Visit the Fitzwilliam Museum

Sit upstairs in the Indigo Cafe to watch people below

Get a free sample of fudge on King’s Parade

Become a Cambridge Blue

Have a picnic on Jesus Green

Fall in love with Bread & Meat

Learn a second (or third, maybe fourth) language

Join numerous societies for the welcome drinks

Become besties with your bedder

Pull an all-nighter in the library

Visit the Homerton College orchard

Have a pint of local beer at The Maypole

Complete the Trinity College Great Court Run

11–20 : Low 2.ii You’ve been around the Bridge a little and tried out a few things. You’re one of those people who want to be involved with activities but not too much. Maybe you do too much work, and anything outside the library door is outside of your comfort zone. Keep going, friend.

21–30: High 2.ii Well done, you’re trying hard. Although you’ve a way to go until ‘keen’ can be added to your CV, you’re trying to make a splash in the Cambridge scene, perhaps by falling in the Cam. As you dry off, try a few more things. A 2.i is definitely within your reach.

31–40: Low 2.i Congratulations! You have achieved the mark wished for by every student. Perhaps you’ve won this score by cheating – watching the Boat Race on the television doesn’t count – or perhaps you’re really trying. Whatever the reason for your success, it’s working. Don’t bask in your safe score though – remember, winners never quit.

41–50: High 2.i Stellar effort. You’ve sacrificed potential work hours for really living the Cambridge dream, and we’re proud of you. Your Girton thighs are strong, your stash is fluttering over your shoulder and your level of keenness is worthy of applause. Just a little more work and you’ll be in the dream grade boundary of a First.

40–60: First You are the Queen of Keen, a true keen bean, and the paragon of an ideal Cambridge student. There is little available in Cambridge that you haven’t become involved with, and everyone knows your name, possibly for negative reasons (deaning, stealing, being a public nuisance) but probably because you’re just too dedicated. You are the kind of person who wouldn’t just be photographed by the Daily Mail after a May Ball, you’d make the front page. You wouldn’t just bullshit a supervision, you’d be leading the supervision. Well done you. The future is bright.

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The Cambridge Student • 15 October 2015

A series of unfortunate events

Features

Enjoy this cringe-worthy compilation of some of your most embarrassing Freshers’ Week failings

Rude awakening

PINBALLROBIN

Louise Leigh

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fter a particularly lethal bop, a friend – let’s call him Arnold – showed up uninvited to my bedroom, where he immediately passed out on my bed. A lot of shouting and slapping (of a non-sexual variety) failed to rouse him; I even called in reinforcements, to no avail.

In the end we gave up, leaving him on my bed, while I curled up at the end and my friend took the floor. I fell into one of those deep sleeps that only alcohol can induce, until I was stirred by what sounded like running water.

I tried to ignore it, but it was soon accompanied by screams. Still I refused to open my eyes. The lights came on.

I grumbled awake, opening my eyes to see Arnold emptying his bladder onto my bedroom floor, mere inches from where my friend had been asleep. Though my friend’s face had a close escape, five pairs of my shoes and an armchair were not so lucky. Ironically, my ensuite bathroom, less than two feet away, was left untouched.

The next morning I received a cheerful text from Arnold, asking if I fancied brunch. Luckily for him, he clearly had no memory of the previous night’s events.

Sat traumatised in my urine soaked room, I chose not to reply.

Anonymous

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I grumbled awake, opening my eyes to see Arnold emptying his bladder onto my bedroom floor

ANDREA SCHAFFER

he night started off well. I left orchestra early to join the Varsity bar crawl, and obviously, since I was late, pre-drinks were in order.

Strongbow in hand and armed with a hip flask, Google maps miraculously got me to the pub on Malcom Street – don’t ask me what it’s called. The atmosphere was intense and people were going hard. A friend owed me a drink and I knocked back the mystery shot without even flinching.

Like classic students, we headed to the bathroom to add copious amounts of vodka to the lemonade we’d just bought, only to down them immediately because we were being ushered to the next stop.

At the sports society bar, we thought more shots would be a good idea. But I’m telling you, it wasn’t.

The rest of the night had to be pieced

together via Snapchat stories, drunk texts and comments the next day from random second-years along the lines of “man, you were smashed last night.”

Inevitably, it seems we ended up in the queue for Cindies. Equally inevitably, we gave up after a while and went to

I instead stuffed them down my top, and got the hell out of there Sainsbury’s. This is a shame, as I’m yet to make it into Cindies.

It seems that the highlight of my night was some bakery aisle antics.

Though my friend assures me she instructed drunk-me to take the loaf of bread and pastry I was brandishing to the till, I instead stuffed them down my top, and got the hell out of there.

The walk of shame Anonymous

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“Why you do this?”

Crazy cravings

THE U.S. ARMY

Ryan Gregory

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ne night, after perhaps a few too many beverages, I found myself in a state which some may recognise. My only desire in the whole entire world – my only desire – was a lamb doner kebab. Nothing else occupied my mind other than this desire. I was a good five minutes walk – for a sober person – from the kebab selling establishment, and in absolutely no state to make the journey.

This did not stop me trying.

I proceeded to leopard crawl through the streets of Cambridge, loudly voicing my desire for a kebab. Crawling on your belt buckle while sober is a tiring pursuit, but at a time when your limbs have a mind of their own it took on a new level of impossibility.

I crawled for a good quarter of an hour, at which point my friends thought it would be funny to convince me to undress. I, for some reason, took them at their word and began taking my clothes off. I was down to just my boxers before one of them realised that allowing me to strip fully naked in public would be disastrous, so they told me that it was ok if I “just wore my underwear”.

Bread Basket

At this point, a friend of ours turned up with a severely bleeding foot. While my friends tried to help her, all I could do was crawl up to her bleeding foot, press my face against it and demand a kebab. I do not think I have ever been so unhelpful in a medical situation. I sincerely hope that in the future, should I happen upon a similar situation, I will have more to offer than simply, “do you have a kebab?”

I did eventually get my kebab and it was glorious, but I have never worked so hard for an item of food in my life and I doubt I ever will again.

I proceeded to leopard crawl through the streets of Cambridge

t was the first night of Freshers’ Week, and things were going really well.

All my worries about embarrassing myself or ending up alone on the first night seemed unfounded. At our college meet-and-greet I’d chatted to a load of great people, and I ended up spending the whole day with two new friends, Ollie and Clara. In the evening, Ollie and I went out clubbing with a large group, and ended up leaving together. Suffice to say I spent the night at his.

The next morning, feeling rather surprised by my entirely out of character indulgence in such Freshers’ cliches, I decided that the best thing to do was to get back to my room before anyone else got up to avoid providing the first bit of gossip for the new year. Unfortunately, Ollie’s rooms were in a separate building from my own, making my trip all the more conspicuous. I got back into what was obviously last night’s dress and heels, decided to skip putting on yesterday’s pants (the glamour of student life…), and headed off, determined to get back to my room as quickly as possible.

I snuck into my accommodation block through the JCR – it was 8am, but I didn’t want to risk anyone seeing me at the main entrance. Unfortunately, the JCR was not as empty as I had anticipated – Clara was sitting on one of the sofas, innocently reading a book of poems.

She smiled sweetly at me: “oh, someone else who’s an early riser!” I improvised, rather unsuccessfully – “yeah, I’ve just been taking a walk in the gardens…”

Somehow, unbelievably, she swallowed it – dress, heels and all.

I sat down awkwardly next to her and tried to make small talk, then excused myself at the first opportunity. As I turned to go, Clara called out to me: “Wait, I think you’ve dropped something!” I turned round to see what she was holding in her outstretched hand. It was my pants…

I turned round to see what she was holding in her outstreched hand. It was my pants...

GREY WORLD

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15 October 2015 • The Cambridge Student

Features

Taboo: is armpit A scientist’s guide to life in the humanities hair really weirder than leg hair?

Lugging Anthony Bridgen Features Editor

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Rose Reade Columnist

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ast year I wrote an article about shaving my legs for the first time (aged 19, for a play). A year later, I find myself doing exactly the same thing. This time round I’ve had to keep it up for longer (the play has had a long run!) and have experienced the highs and lows of shaving rash, prickly stubble, deciding that shower gel is nicer than shaving cream, and the perils of not moisturising. Upon reflection, I still feel the same as I did a year ago: my legs are cold and I feel like a pre-pubescent child.

However, I have been thinking about other areas of body hair (I’ll save pubes for another column), and my armpits have come to my attention. I toyed with the idea of shaving my armpits for this particular play but realised I had become too fond of my soft fluffy underarm hair to ever shave it off.

I have been informed by my sources (my friends in the kitchen), that they would notice armpit hair on a woman more than they would notice leg hair. In fact lots of women have been taking advantage of this and drawing attention to their unshaved armpits by dyeing them or baring them on social media/ in the public eye.

The most famous example is Miley Cyrus who did this in June. More interestingly, Chinese feminist Xiao Meili launched an armpit hair competition this summer, saying in an interview with CNN, “Women should have the right to decide how to deal with their bodies, including small details like armpit hair…

“You can choose to shave it, but you shouldn’t be forced to do so under the pressure of stereotypes.”

My friend don’t go around stroking my armpits, but I have been informed by my boyfriend that he “found armpit hair gross” until he met me Personally, I hope that in years to come, campaigns like this will be unnecessary and people will feel free to choose what they want to do with their bodies without the fear of being judged by societal expectations. And I truly believe we are on our way there.

However, for now, it is important to challenge these stereotypes. I find it interesting how we rely on celebrities and social media to get our point across. As useful as it is to see people like Miley Cyrus making choices about their body hair that challenge expectations, I’ve found that after people’s initial surprise at my hairy pits, they get used to it and even grow fond of them. No, my friends don’t go around stroking my armpits, but I have been informed that my boyfriend “found armpit hair gross” until he met me.

So a challenge for you: If you ever get fed up with prickly pits, give not shaving them a go and see how you feel and how other people react.

You might love it, you might hate it, but it might be an interesting and liberating experience and actually make ‘to shave or not to shave’ a real choice.

If you’re interested in reading more about Rose’s adventures with body hair, head to TCS online to read her article: ‘An Actor Prepares: 20 years of leg hair down the drain’.

have always been a scientist. Since I can remember I have always wanted to pursue the sciences, be like David Attenborough, Richard Dawkins and all the other cliche idols of all nerdy young children.

So I went through life, studying maths, biology and chemistry, then came here to Cambridge to read Natural Sciences, the zenith of my ambitions, home to so many of the greats and the greatest thereof. Now, in my second year, I thought it would be a good idea to take the History and Philosophy of Science.

Before I’d had any lectures or even the vaguest idea what I was doing, I had been set an essay, an actual history essay, replete with reading list and vague question.

I suddenly realised I haven’t written an actual humanities essay, with y’know, an argument and stuff, for three years. Yes I’ve written science essays but they do not even come close to the demands of a history essay.

So I panic, go on a tour of the libraries, lug back a heap of books of a thickness I have never before considered and spend two days straight just reading. Having finished this mammoth exercise, I realise I have no clue what to do next...

The sciences give you a clear and structured path to follow that is

almost entirely absent in the practice of history as an undergraduate.

This is where having historian friends comes in pretty handy, with a year’s historical wisdom at your fingertips. Notes, arguments and vague noncommittal statements like ‘what do we mean by the scientific revolution’ spring to mind, but now I feel like I might have the slimmest chance of not producing the worst thing I have ever written – or that my

a heap of books of a thickness I had never considered

supervisor has ever read – but we’ll see about that.

The whole experience has greatly increased my respect for the historians for whom this is their whole degree; it’s impressive. In all, despite the stress and strife it has caused me, I’m happy that I chose HPS. It’s so different, so new, so challenging and as such very refreshing. Although I’m certain my optimism will fade. especially when I have to write a philosophy essay.

CHRISTOPHER MICHEL

Argh, what am I doing here???

Greedy monkey: my big career indecision Dorota Molin

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n visions of my future career (failure), I picture myself seized by the greedy monkey syndrome. You might have heard the story.

Holding on to too many irresistible goodies inside, it won’t be able to pull its full hand out of the bowl. It could have had something, but ended up with nothing. I can see my peers in 20 years down the line, smiling pityingly from the top of the ladder at me – a free spirit.

Still scribbling here and there, still struck by the world-Messiah complex, a self-proclaimed academic. What a pity I didn’t listen to everyone in

Cambridge, they who knew what was best for me and what the ‘ideal me’ should be busy with.

Or did they? When it comes to careers, I have come to believe in the scenic route, because it is precisely experience in diverse fields that shows you what gets you going and why. Let’s talk specifics.

I thought that working with Bedouins in Israel was just me trying to satisfy my academic curiosity about the Israel-Palestine dynamic. It turns out that I was trying to understand my own childhood and youth. That is, what it means to be an ethnic and TAMBAKO THE JAGUAR

I picture myself seized by the greedy monkey complex

linguistic minority in a country, and how one juggles progress-serving integration with faithfulness to tradition. In this way, I realised that it is this link to my personal experiences that makes me nuts about this work.

I am not trying to say you have to ‘discover your true self ’, or some similar cliche that you’ve heard 1,000 times before. It could be just having a blast or roaming around aimlessly.

In fact, taking the scenic route can be hard work, because the path is often longer. It can take more time, both here in Cambridge and in the big scary world, to figure out your route.

The personal and the professional are often intertwined and you need to get both right. It’s also ok if others have always had it sorted (or at least make it seem so).

In the long run, this diverse path can in fact feed back into your career.

My friend is a corporate solicitor who exchanged six years in the City for a PhD in the philosophy of virtue. “You know, conventional career paths are hard to achieve.”

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The Cambridge Student • 15 October 2015

Features

On loving and hating one’s English degree

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nglish was not my strongest subject at school. Sure, I was okay at it, but when I announced my intentions to apply for English at Cambridge it caused more than one set of raised eyebrows from my peers. When necessary, I explained that for me, the choice was an easy one. I was applying for English because it was my favourite subject – I had loved it for years, even when I had bad teachers or boring set texts. My relationship with it had stood the test of time and difficult circumstances: I wanted to spend the next three years of my life ‘devoted’ to the subject (yes, I did use that word in my personal statement; yes, that choice, unlike my choice of subject, is one that I intensely regret).

I arrived at Cambridge starry-eyed and over the moon to think that I was to spend three years enrolled in what I firmly believed to be the best English course in the world. I wasn’t wrong. But the road hasn’t been quite as smooth as I thought it would be.

Being surrounded by people who loved English as much as I did was fab. So was having access to basically every book ever written in the English language. But with these privileges came expectations that sometimes felt too high. In my final term of first year, while juggling several extra-curricular activities, the pressure became too much. I was sacrificing sleep to Shakespeare’s Complete Works, and felt like I was spending more time with the fictional characters contained therein than with my friends. In the words of my DoS, I needed to chill.

What stressed me out was the way in which we are examined. I came quite close to becoming disillusioned because of it. Having to prove myself by writing very fast, and preferably like man, using as many quotes as I could rote-memorise in the week prior, for three hours, didn’t seem like fun at all. And English was supposed to be fun.

Now I’m in third year, I have made peace with tripos examinations. I don’t like them – I have avoided them as much as possible by being the one who does two dissertations – but I won’t let the looming prospect of them stop me from absorbing myself and loving my last year.

Despite the lack of career prospects.

Freya Sanders

I’m not proud, but I used the word ‘devoted’ in my personal statement

M

y GCSE English teacher had the most fanastic way of saying the word ‘iron’. He used to read us stories from the anthology of short stories we were supposedly to be analysing thoroughly, and I’d always be fascinated by the way he said the word ‘iron’. It wasn’t northern, quite.

Neither was it RP, or Essex, or the Queens’ English. Somehow, it managed to be a strange combination of all four.

It made double English on a grey Tuesday afternoon (a la opening of Harry Potter and the Philosophers’ Stone) a thrill. We’d sit there; frumpy, teenage, and incredibly smelly – deodorant discovery rate in the allmale room being approximately 55% – and be captivated by his words.

Even so, I didn’t love English, then.

He was a brilliant teacher, whose

Frumpy, teenage, and smelly, I sat there, captivated by language

lessons I enjoyed enormously, but I didn’t love it. I wasn’t ready for it yet, somehow. My love for English – and the reason I applied here to study it – came in sixth form. My teachers (both of them) were the best I’ve ever had, and they brought the literature to life both inside and out of the classroom. English was the best part of my sixth form life, by a mile.

It was such that I arrived in Cambridge of a fresh October, ready, perky, and primed to learn.

I was expecting more of the same – teachers enthused in the art of educating children, with a passion for making every session as enjoyable and informative as possible.

My fundamental problem was disagreeing with the way teaching at Cambridge works. I thought it was just the subject, so I hatched plots to jump ship and head over to HSPS. But no – it was the fact that one could legitimately turn up to a two-hour class having never read the book in question, and pontificate at length on the abstract notions behind the text without a bat of an eyelid from a supervisor that shocked me.

Don’t get me wrong – I’ve loved all my supervisors, and many of them have been great teachers (a friendly wave if any of them have the misfortune to be reading this). I still love literature, and I still have a deep love for words and the power of language – why would I be trying to go into professional journalism if I didn’t? But for me, the Cambridge promise was nothing more than a mirage, and the English Tripos nothing more than a let-down.

Jack May AUSTIN KIRK

Behind the Campaigns: Faith and

Feminism Suhaiymah Manzoor-Khan Columnist

S

eeing “Faith and Feminism” be elected as one of CUSU Women’s Campaign’s three annual campaigns was a moment of excitement for me and testament to the increasingly inclusive nature of Womcam itself.

I proposed this campaign because I am a feminist with faith. These identities are intertwined; my faith drives me to fight for liberation from gendered oppression and misogyny.

However, as a hijab-wearing Muslim woman of colour, I have had my tussles with mainstream feminism. Often marginalised, patronised or deemed to have false-consciousness, religious women are seen to be at anathema with fighting the patriarchy.

This perception conflates religion which has indeed been historically essential to upholding patriarchy, with religious people – many of whom reject patriarchal and oppressive interpretations of religiosity.

Oppressions facing religious women have been completely ignored My hopes in this campaign are motivated by this misunderstanding. Firstly, to make space for feminists with faith who feel alienated from the mainstream in multiple and varied ways. Secondly, to broach an intersection often overlooked. Oppressions facing religious women especially have been completely ignored. Sitting uneasily beside questions of LGBT+ rights, sex, and reproductive questions it has been easier to omit than to broach the question of religion. Sadly, though, this has excluded groups who, in the UK especially, are often also women of colour.

GIGI IBRAHIM

Religious women can and do speak for themselves - we need to rid ourselves of imperialistic feminism

I don’t propose to solve dilemmas concerning religion and feminism. Rather, I want to start a conversation that may help question what exactly these dilemmas are. To navigate voids of misunderstanding between one f-word and the other; assist feminists with faith in feeling accepted in the mainstream; urge consideration of patriarchal norms by non-feminist people of faith and to urge feminists without faith to reconsider perceptions. These simultaneous aims require a three-pronged campaign.

Look forward to panel discussions hosting religious feminists, presentations considering erasure of religious women in mainstream feminism, and work with religious societies in Cambridge exploring feminism in faith and ultimately hoping to bridge the gap from both ends. A year is not long, but with these three prongs we may spark the beginning of a conversation that needs to happen both in Cambridge and worldwide.

Neither Faith nor Feminism need be the ‘f-word’.

If you are interested in getting involved with this campaign, you can contact Suhaiymah by email at sim28@cam.ac.uk.

Otherwise, look out for upcoming events!

14

15 October 2015 • The Cambridge Student

Interviews

Emily Maitlis and shattering the glass ceiling Anna Carruthers

E

mily Maitlis is a BBC journalist and newsreader, working across the channel but primarily on Newsnight, which she often hosts.

Surprisingly, as a student at Queens’ College, Maitlis did not partake in any student journalism beyond one theatre review. She instead focused her attention on acting and directing, going so far as to consider a job in California. However, she plumbed for a documentary making role in Hong Kong instead, setting her on course to becoming a journalist, if in a rather roundabout way. She recently returned to Cambridge to speak at the Union, talking at length about sexism in the media and her interview technique.

There seems to be a strong cohort of female newsreaders. Are there any other areas where you feel progress is being made in journalism and what areas do you feel need more work?

“I think it needs more work everywhere. That’s the simple answer. I don’t think journalism is that different to anywhere else but I think we have an extra duty because it’s visual. We need to show that progress is being made. I think it’s something that people recognise – that work needs to be done – and you know, it’s nothing that my own editors and managers aren’t conscious of. But if you look across political programming in the

UK there are very few women who have given their name to show or host a show or are the main anchor of a political show. Thank goodness we’ve got Laura now who’s our political editor, and that’s a great step, but when you can reduce your answer to one person’s name you know not enough has been done. So I like to think it will.

We’re still working on that.”

BBC bias is obviously a hot topic at the moment. Has it made you more conscious of criticism on a day to day basis?

“We get charges of BBC bias a lot from all sides – sometimes in the same interview. So I take the charge of bias incredibly seriously and I really think about what I’m doing. But you can get called a Murdoch stooge and a communist in the course of the same interview. So you have to be very careful that you’re not secondguessing yourself.

“And I think the other thing that I’m incredibly aware of now is that people don’t just shout BBC bias, or don’t just use it as a political tool as a way of stopping you in your tracks. It’s a very easy way to stop an interviewer in their tracks, from asking the question or pursuing a line of thought. All someone has to do is go “BBC bias” and then you go [sharp intake of breath], and you have to step back and think of everything that you’ve said. We take that charge really seriously and there

are places where I think we have to be super wary and super acute to those charges. You know I take those full on, but I would be very scared of that term, almost #BBCbias, being used as a political tool to redirect an argument or answer that people didn’t like.”

You’ve been subject to a fair amount of twitter abuse recently. Have you become numb to it or does it remain as frustrating as I imagine it is? How do you cope with that?

“Half of it I don’t even notice, isn’t it’s particularly vitriolic or the rape that weird? Most of the stuff, if it’s stuff I tend to retweet actually because what I call a repeat caller, the mute I think it’s really good if people see that you’re getting this and having done an “I think journalism interview or whatever it is.

“I don’t know whether it’s a good needs more work thing or a bad thing but your skin does everywhere. That’s the become thicker. So you take on board simple answer.” the criticism from some quarters really button is a beautiful thing. So just acutely and then the rest of it you go, mute somebody out and think, ‘I ‘Oh dear they’re having a bad day, never have to deal with you again’. If what can I do?’”

CHRIS WILLIAMSON

‘The Union has matured’ through the Assange issue Jack May Editor-in-Chief “I would like to put this on record that I have not gone through puberty yet”, says the President. Somewhere in the distance ring the sounds of Azeem Ward’s flute recital in the Cambridge Union Society’s Chamber.

As I wait, I take up my spot on a creaky and important looking chair left strategically nearby, and wait, rather confrontationally facing the door of the President’s Office. It’s been a very strange few weeks at the Union.

The most remarkable termcard for (Cambridge) generations has been announced, the Freshers’ Fair has seen lots of smug-looking Union hacks in green hoodies, and then came the announcement on Saturday that the Union would hold a referendum on whether or not to host Julian Assange as a speaker via video link. This was followed by the resignation of the Women’s Officer Helen Dallas, and then what has been described as “a shitstorm” over the following few days.

My first question, as I head up to the grandeur of the Union’s library with Oliver Mosley, Union President,

and Charlotte Iveres, Treasurer, and sit at one end of a rather stupidly long table, is “how are you?”. Both of them reply that they’re fine, but I can’t help but notice a certain deflated edge, and a moment in which Charlotte’s ankle buckles in her heels, and she looks at Oliver and giggles.

The issue of The Tab’s latest step “over the line”, as Mosley puts it, is a hot topic. “The reason we’re angry, if you want to use that word, is because

The Tab has characterised this whole episode as a crisis, or as an emergency, or as a pernicious atmosphere that’s consumed the organisation.

The Tab’s coverage has been “ridiculous” “It’s unfair, ridiculous, and over the top, and frankly insulting to say when the Union has matured to such an extent that it took six hours YAO TANG

[over multiple days] for us to decide [to host a referendum on hosting Assange], rather than just going ‘oh, controversial speaker, we host those’. I think it’s insulting to suggest that that’s somehow a crisis, or an emergency.

“We’re a free speech society”, Charlotte says, unashamedly. “Like, the easy option and I think the option that is the kind of knee-jerk free speech reaction is just to say ‘platform for Assange, platform for everyone’.

“We are about to have a public debate in which any of members can attend, and can express a view – exercise their free speech. We’re about to have a referendum in which any of our members can vote, and in doing so express their free speech.”

Oliver nods encouragingly. “To a lot of people who say that this is just a standard no-platform issue that the Union’s tried to chicken out of, it’s not.

If it was, the discussions wouldn’t have taken six hours.”

As for the supposedly ‘toxic internal politics’, Charlotte says that “at the end of the day we are students. Someone will get upset with someone, someone will date someone and it will fall apart.

Such is life. But I completely disagree with the idea that there is a toxic atmosphere or anything.”

“Frankly, if the atmosphere in that room had been all jolly and happy then we’re completely unqualified to do our jobs, because we’re aware of the seriousness of what we’re doing.”

“I don’t think it will damage our reputation in the long term. If anything, I think it just proves that you may think you’re doing something good, and the minor things you think you’ve done wrong will be highlighted, and that’s a shame, but it’s not all ‘woe is us’. We’ve done a lot of good things this week, and we’ve come out of it a lot stronger, I think, as a team.”

With a debate bound to ricochet around Cambridge for the rest of the term, the Union will have to make sure it can balance a strong termcard with a difficult referendum and speakers’ event, should the motion pass.

Whatever else you can say, within the first week of term, the Union has ignited a conversation that people won’t stop talking about.

And as Charlotte says: “that looks a lot like free speech to me.”

15

The Cambridge Student • 15 October 2015

Comment

Brace yourself for Britain’s next big battle: the EU debate continues Amatey Doku Political Columnist

T

he battle lines are drawn and the stage is set for one of the most drawn out debates in British political history: the question of whether Britain should continue its EU membership. Now, as a wannabe student journalist, the idea of an invigorating public debate involving all sections of society on a fundamental question about Britain’s place within the world should fill me with excitement. But it doesn’t. The thought of it fills me with dread.

The last time Britain had a say on its position within the EU was in 1975, when a referendum was held on whether Britain should remain in what was then called the Common Market.

Those who are in favour of leaving the European Union today argue that since then the EU has changed dramatically and that the public today need to have their say on Britain’s membership.

Pressure from within his own party forced Cameron in 2013 to promise a referendum if the party won the next election.

In the past week, the various opposing groups have been kickstarting their campaigns. Lord Rose,

the former boss of Marks and Spencer, was unveiled as leading the Britain Stronger in Europe campaign which says on its website that remaining in Europe would “secure a stronger Britain that delivers opportunity now and for future generations”. On the other side of the debate there are two different campaigns, “Leave.EU” and “Vote Leave”. Both reveal the deep divisions on that side of the campaign.

Leave.EU, backed by Nigel Farage, claims to have gained over 175,000 followers since its launch in August.

It’s almost impossible to make predictions in British politics; remember Corbyn?

On the same side of the debate there is Vote Leave, launched only last week, which counts among its supporters members of the Conservatives, the Labour Party, and those in UKIP who have defied the party line, which includes their only MP Douglas Carswell. Despite this, Farage argues that in principle he supports both

campaigns and argues that they are each merely appealing to very different electorates.

It’s almost impossible to make predictions in British politics. Let’s not forget, for example, that Jeremy Corbyn is now leader of the Labour Party. But one thing is for certain. The splits between the groups campaigning for Britain to leave the EU will not make it easy for those on that side of the argument. Even with the SNP in Scotland, who presented a much more united front in the run up to the Scottish independence referendum, the onus was always on those wishing to leave to reassure the electorate that the country would make it as an independent nation.

And so it begins. Between now and the date of the referendum sometime before the end of 2017, Britain will be plunged into wide reaching polemy involving endless arguments, statistics and debates.

The risk is that we’ll end up focusing more on the drama of the debate itself rather than the actual issues at stake, which is arguably what I’m guilty of doing here.

AVIJ

Editors: Jack May & Freya Sanders Founded 1999 Volume 17

Left outside

We must all own up to our failures on homelessness Shameful though it is, we’ve all done it. We’ve all walked past somebody homeless on the street. We’ve all made the effort to get to the other side of the pavement outside Sainsbury’s so we don’t have to face the question directly. “Have you got any change?”

These days, lots of us don’t – carrying cash often feels like a bit of an anachronism, and so more often than not, “I haven’t, I’m sorry!” is a genuine answer. But that’s not to say that a trip to the cash machine would be hard, or that it would take us all that long to pop into Sainsbury’s, pick up a hot dinner, bring it out, and give it to them. But we don’t.

Our investigation shows this week that Cambridge’s homelessness problem is not only as endemic as it always has been, but it has worsened in recent years.

Having said that, it’s important to go beyond the statistics, and to make sure that we understand the individuals behind them. That’s what makes the report from Colm Murphy on page five so important – taking the time to talk to people, understand their stories and their hopes, is such an important part of beginning to change things for the better across the city.

It would be tempting to resort to old cliches – that if you give a homeless person money they’ll only spend it on alcohol, that you’re better off donating the odd quid to your

local homelessness charity, and that it’s really best not to get involved on a personal level.

We must stand up against such a reductive attitude.

To really make a difference on the pressing issue of homelessness in our city, we must take a holistic approach.

This involves lobbying individual councillors, the council as a whole, and national government to commit to further positive action on homelessness. This means taking heed of those cuts which have come down from central government and which have been shown to correlate to higher levels of homelessness in cities across the country.

This means working more closely with volunteer organisations that are already extant in Cambridge, whether they be more student-focused, such as the Streebite society, or localised, such as Jimmy’s Shelter.

Fundamentally, this means understanding that those who have found themselves in the unimaginable situation of being without a home are human. Each has their own story, and a desire to build a better life for themselves and their families.

We can no longer ignore the fate of those on our doorstep who have fallen on hard times. It’s not enough to be politically active, nor to give charitably, nor to hand over a few coins. We must do all this and more to help turn people’s lives around.

Deeper pockets

Oxbridge graduates have a moral and philanthropic duty New research released this week has shown that graduates from Oxford and Cambridge earn, on average, £10,000 a year more than their nonRussell Group University peers, and more than double what those with no qualifications will earn.

The complex moral judgements involved in this issue are too vast to be able to say whether or not this is ‘good’, ‘just’, or ‘fair’. It is undoubtably true that getting through the years of an Oxbridge degree is tough work, and that’s after having gone through the stringent admissions process.

What is key, therefore, is to think

about how Oxbridge graduates can take this advantage and put it to good use. Campaigns such as 80,000 Hours and Giving What We Can make an honourable attempt to encourage people to turn earnings into philanthropic deeds (aside from the odd poorly calculated event in Clare Cellars).

They do not go far enough. 10% is paltry when you’re on an income in the top rate of tax. We, who are in a position of such enormous privilege, must do everything we can to make the world a better place. The moral onus falls squarely and surely on us.

16

15 October 2015 • The Cambridge Student

Comment

Do wealthy firms have a strang Yes – The Careers Service has to counteract corporate advertising Julia Stanyard Comment Editor

W

andering through the Freshers’ Fair, between stocking up on new stationery and signing up to a million mailing lists, I was intensely disgruntled but not altogether surprised to see several stands occupied not by niche, interesting and quirky student societies as they should be, but by representatives and student ambassadors from corporate firms.

I say ‘not surprised’ because this is just the beginning of another year of semi-constant advertising bombardment of Cambridge students by incredibly wealthy companies intent on recruiting us into their ranks of fresh-faced graduate trainees.

Take a trip down to the riverbank during peak practice-time, go watch pretty much any University sports team or a debate at the Union: it’s easy to see that corporate sponsorship is everywhere, and that all these sponsors are homogenous: finance, management consultancy, corporate law, advertising – you know the drill.

They offer talks, meals, elaborate drinks receptions, meet-and-greet sessions with recent graduate trainees. They entice students in with this display of wealth and the promise of more: paid internships, bonuses and eye-wateringly huge salaries within a few short years. And many of our peers (16% according to the most recent figures from the Careers Service) are taking the bait. In Cambridge, money

talks – or rather it shouts – deafeningly loudly at some points.

I should make it clear that I am not saying that this shouting should be silenced: sponsorship is obviously essential to run many societies around Cambridge.

It would be little short of churlish to reject opportunities like this which simply don’t exist at other universities and many other students would love to have. I like a drinks reception as much as the next person.

However, it is the duty of the Cambridge Careers Service (and a very important duty at that) to make sure that other voices can be heard and maintain a level playing field. It has a duty to represent all career options impartially. In practical terms, impartiality should be interpreted not as equal representation of all career options, but as an active promotion of those which perhaps do not have the same financial means to market themselves so strongly.

If the Careers Service fails to enact this impartiality without due consideration of the realities of the recruitment landscape, it becomes very easy to get the impression from this bombardment of advertising that there simply aren’t other options. For those who are uncertain of their career path this runs the risk that they end up being channelled into a career they never particularly wanted. Who has really held a long-term desire to become a management consultant anyway?

It’s all very well hosting an event entitled

The Careers Service doesn’t do enough to counteract the presence of wealthy companies

‘But I don’t want to work in the City!’ (held by the Careers Service this week, as a lonely beacon of hope amidst a sea of consultancy presentations and practice legal interviews) as this at least recognises the destructive, narrow mindset which surrounds careers in Cambridge.

However, my own experience with the Careers Service has frankly, been underwhelming. Firstly, there are far fewer events for creative fields such as journalism and the media, despite the fact that these fields – which lack clearly-defined and wellmarketed graduate schemes – are precisely those fields into which we need more guidance. I have also found that students are warded off from all but the most lucrative fields, and there is a surprisingly cynical, uninspiring focus on the financial aspect of all careers. I have been told that there’s no money in public interest law, or that becoming a barrister is essentially a pipe-dream unless you’re already wealthy.

For students who could potentially excel in these fields, this negative focus can be extremely disheartening.

At the moment, the Careers Service doesn’t do enough to counteract the vocal and persistent presence of wealthy companies in Cambridge. Hopefully they will do in the future, but in the meantime, if you’ve never been fascinated by finance or awed by advertising, don’t let the next company to offer you champagne convince you that you have.

Cambridge must lead change during Black History Month Arenike Adebajo

A

fact frequently acknowledged, but less commonly acted upon, is that Cambridge University needs to tackle diversity. According to the University of Cambridge Equality and Diversity Information Report for 2013/14, of the 80% of respondents who disclosed their ethnicity, only 0.7% of these identified as black. I was aware of statistics such as these before I started at Cambridge, but as matriculation photographs go up online, I am unnerved by the homogeneity of my College. Ironically, perhaps, the arrival of this year’s freshers coincides with the start of Black History Month: a celebration of the role of Africans and the Diaspora both past and present, in shaping the progression of world history.

Amongst the student body there seems to be very little awareness of Black History Month. This is unsurprising given that many will never have participated in activities marking the event. Growing up in

a majority black population, I’d previously had no awareness of Black History Month. For me, October is more strongly associated with the metamorphosis of Lagos into a sea of green and white in celebration of Nigeria’s Independence Day. What links the two together, in my mind, is their brevity. The green and white flags go down after about a week or so and school-children return to analysing the demises of the wives of Henry VIII. There is an exciting line up of events for Black History Month at Cambridge, my personal favourite being FLY hosting the fabulous Cecile Emeke (look her up!) at King’s later this week. However, one has to wonder what happens in the post-Halloween slump when the dull trudge through November begins. Most of these campaigns seem to be student run and with essays piling up and deadlines looming I’m unsure about how momentum will keep up. When Black History Month ends, a lot of students won’t even notice the difference.

Cambridge is an institution steeped

in tradition, predicated on a system in which Eurocentric history and culture are enshrined as the ‘norm’. And so, within an environment in which I see few reflections of myself, Black History Month is an important iteration of the validity of the oft-erased experiences and contributions of those beyond the narrow parameters established by the majority. Radical as it is to use Black History Month as a platform to write in our own narratives and demand the acknowledgment of our existence, it is exhausting to have to demand inclusion into the ‘norm’. Celebrations of difference and campaigns for visibility should not be a one-off thing. The burden of the struggle against erasure should not fall primarily on students. My reading lists are still dominated by old white men, I am still one of only two black students in this year’s intake at my College. These are things I cannot change. The University should be acting upon the principles behind Black History Month and take a greater role in instigating long-lasting differences.

STEVE SNODGRASS

17

The Cambridge Student • 15 October 2015

Comment

glehold on Cambridge careers?

MICHAEL GARNETT

No – Cambridge Graduates have a world of choice Simon Dedworth

T

he latest email sitting in my inbox from the Careers Service is headed up by two huge, standout events, with an enthusiastic invitation to “pick and mix!”

These two careers fairs, collectively attended by upwards of 100 graduate employers and hosted on consecutive days, cater exclusively to banking, finance and consultancy. That’s only “pick and mix” if you were the kid who just bought two different types of cola bottles.

When the Careers Service sends these weekly digests of its events, it’s up against a lot of student apathy. Our education system already insists that GCSE option choices made at 14 must somehow define our lives.

It’s easy to slip back into that fear of getting locked into something we will hate, only this time it won’t be just until graduation, but for the rest of our lives.

The fact is that an internship at a big corporation in your second year at university is not a Faustian pact. It is an often well-paid way to get to know your own skills, gain experience and maybe save some money towards a real dream job.

The last point of advice on the incredibly detailed Careers Service site for those who “haven’t got a clue” is to “just do something”, and that includes taking advantage of the opportunities available in Cambridge.

The visiting corporations and networking

dinners are part of our educational privilege, but it is not something that can be rejected, whether by ignoring its presence or separating ourselves from those who genuinely aspire to big city careers. The division is not so clear-cut.

On the extensive catalogue of graduate and internship vacancies available on the Careers Service website, a whopping 507 of 1258 are in banking, consultancy or investment, of which only 3 are unpaid internships. There are only 45 paid opportunities available in media and publishing. As the Careers Service actively filters the unpaid internships which are notorious in extremely competitive arts sectors, the overwhelming majority of those schemes remaining are structured, paid experiences.

The finance sector offers hundreds of these; the arts infamously does not, and the Careers Service cannot advertise opportunities which do not exist. A job in finance may not be motivated by pure unadulterated greed: it could be the best way to fund the unpaid drudgery it takes to break into the arts world.

The Careers Service also already does much to combat the image of Cambridge undergrads swigging champagne with big city bosses. Also online is a section on ‘ethical careers’, a term the Careers Service defines as “a career in which you believe you are having a positive effect on the world around you”. Within its examples of

potential ethical careers are traditionally corporate roles, which include legal advisor and analyst at KPMG, one of the multinational Big Four auditors.

There is also information about firms which choose sustainable investments, and consideration of a work-life balance. This information is all freely available with a Raven login, and easily accessible – if you choose to follow that email link about the finance careers fair, you will find a host of new resources relevant to all sectors.

Evidently, the Careers Service website is vast. It contains information on each sector, as well as vacancies and advice on summer internships, all of which is available at the click of a button. The only assumption that the Careers Service makes about your future is that, should you be interested in researching a career path, you are able and willing to access their website or drop in to ask questions. Realistically, nobody falls into a job; you won’t wake up and find yourself a financial advisor overnight.

Pointing fingers at those who ‘sell out’ ignores the practical motivations behind career choices, and reinforces the outdated idea that decisions we make now will be irrevocable and potentially life-ruining. We must challenge elitism not by complaining about the privilege which will see us earn 42% more than graduates from post-1992 universities (according to the Sutton Trust), but by acknowledging it – in whatever field we choose.

Freshers’ Week: Caught between a bop and a hard place Rebecca Davies

F

reshers’ Week, which has assumed a cultish and somewhat mythical status in British universities, was ultimately designed to be thoroughly inclusive as a means of welcoming the new arrivals. Why then does its culture revolve, completely and disproportionately, around getting ‘smashed’?

Why does the period commonly viewed as a rite of passage to a new era of our lives seem so focused on ensuring you remember practically nothing of it? When I was a fresher, I certainly was not – and, who am I kidding, still am not – entirely a ‘party person.’ Yet, most activities are essentially a dessert cart of ways to get yourself drunk.

Yes, some might be appetising but when it boils down to it, they’re all different routes to the same destination.

It’s a shame, given that Cambridge, with its unique educational system and grand traditions, offers more opportunities for non-drinkers to make lasting memories.

Matriculation was certainly the highlight of my Freshers’ Week, yet this is an occasion almost unique to Cambridge.

So why do we perpetuate such a culture?

Surely we must be motivated by a greater desire than to have our escapades plastered across The Daily Mail.

Maybe the obsession with alcoholic consumption stems from the identification of Freshers’ Week as a kind of prolonged celebration to congratulate a new batch of freshers on their achievement of making it here. The ubiquitous presence of alcohol is perhaps also a part of the ‘work hard, play hard’ atmosphere so symptomatic of the Cambridge experience. The inherent exclusivity of an environment like Cambridge compels us to want to be the best that we can be and make the most of our time here. We all want to prove to others and ourselves that we actually deserve our place, as well as defy the stereotypical view of Cambridge students as ‘socially awkward ‘geniuses’.

So is there really something to be said

for a uniquely Cambridge conception of Freshers’ Week? After all, we end every year with a similar week-long party. Or perhaps deep down, we would still rather be drunk than confront the fact that we actually made it.

But then, of course, the hard reality of the hangover comes. For us, that means the equally challenging realization that we’ll have to work for it. We are left, possibly nursing a hangover, but also reluctantly contemplating the forthcoming year and bracing ourselves for the onslaught of work which we know to be inevitable.

Therefore rather than celebrating past achievements, or coming to grips with the present, is the constant partying during Freshers’ Week actually most effective in preparing us for the immediate future?

After all, it takes a certain amount of stamina (and alcoholic tolerance) to ‘survive’ the week. Accomplishing such a feat means Freshers’ Week ironically bolsters determination and resilience. We all know we’ll need it when term starts.

L.C.NOTTAASSEN

18

15 October 2015 • The Cambridge Student

Sport

Blatter, Platini and why you Quidditch flies should care about FIFA A Claire McComas

s if Cambridge didn’t have enough Harry Potter comparisons as it was! Cambridge’s newest sport has gone from strength to strength since it was created by a couple of Harry Potter fanatics in Vermont in 2005 and has really started to take off (though unfortunately not literally!) at University level. Now it even has its own governing body, the International Quidditch Association.

You’re probably wondering how we recreate all the magic. Actually, the rules are are pretty similar in the muggle version.

You have the same two teams of seven players and the balls, positions and scoring methods are the same.

Obviously, though, we can’t fly – so the golden snitch is a ball in a sock on the back of a neutral official dressed in yellow, Challenged on his decision, Pla and catching the snitch is only worth 30 shrugged, “We have to care about the points. This keeps the main focus on the game, not politics. With me, there won’t be politics.” He feeds the myth that football and politics are mutually exclusive, which feeds another myth: the myth that unless you care about football, you don’t need to care about FIFA. But you do.

Why? Because the English FA have thrown their weight behind Platini’s campaign to be the head of world football’s governing body. Of course they have.

As UEFA President, Platini has given England the right to host two of the last five Champions League finals. Thanks to him, Wembley will host both semifinals and the final of the 2020 European Championship. The UEFA president has given the FA unparalleled prestige, and with that prestige comes profit.

Profit is the bottom line on both sides.

Last year, the World Cup bagged FIFA billions, in spite of a Brazilian economy who could scarcely bear the white elephant of hosting it.

This June, FA Chief, Greg Dyke told The Guardian that, “The only advantage of being old and having made money is that you don’t give a fuck.” Over 100 FA staff were laid off in August. Presumably his sentiments were the same.

All this despite the FA reporting a £261 million gross profit in 2014.

So don’t tell me you don’t care. As long as FA bigwigs are far too wealthy to think twice about laying off employees, it’s your Sophie Penney job to care.

As long as they continue to extort every he Rugby World Cup has been a last penny from match-going fans denied whirlwind of emotions for England. access to their community, it’s your job But what has the atmosphere been to care. like outside the host nation? According to And as long as support is lent in your Louis, a Frenchman who lives in Paris, but name, to a regime more interested in grew up in rugby-mad Toulon, this is the counting banknotes than migrant deaths biggest atmosphere change they’ve seen: and human rights abuses in a country to “It’s different from four years ago, then you which it willingly handed a World Cup wouldn’t have seen much change, but rugby tournament, it is your job to care. is much more important now. Still I must Not liking the sport is no longer an admit it’s nothing like the Football World excuse to put our fingers in our ears.

Cup where the atmosphere is enormous.”

GLOBAL PANORAMA

Paul Hyland Sport Editor

Despite allegedly pledging to vote to hand the USA its second World Cup tournament, f you’re one of the many I hear telling Platini opted with Qatar instead – a country me you don’t care about football, the where homosexuality is punishable by latest news from FIFA’s headquarters flogging. Where a Qatari poet is serving a may have passed you by. If so, let me fill you in. Swiss authorities are investigating This is big news. Not just Sepp Blatter, the president of football’s governing body, for an alleged ‘disloyal for football, but for so much payment’ of £1.3 million to UEFA chief outside of it and leading presidential candidate Michel Platini. FIFA’s own ethics committee has 15 year sentence for speaking out against ordered that both men be suspended from the government. Where migrants building all footballing activities for at least 90 days. 2022’s World Cup stadiums are reportedly Platini, previously the favourite to take dying in significant numbers. over from the controversial Sepp Blatter, All of this tolerated, legitimised even, by now sees his campaign in tatters. allowing them to host one of the world’s This is big news. Not just for football, but most prestigious sporting events. Let’s face for so much outside of just the sport. it: voting for Qatar was morally abhorrent.

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The golden snitch is a ball in a sock on the back of a neutral official

�You are guaranteed a joke about the host nation�s embarrasing performance�

19

The Cambridge Student • 15 October 2015

Sport

s into Cambridge quaffle, which is a volleyball with a little air let out. The snitch is released after 18 minutes of play to avoid really short games.

The bludgers are actually old dodgeballs, and we throw those at people rather than hitting them with a bat.

It has kept the full contact aspect of flying quidditch though. And yes, we use broomsticks. It’s usually piping from Homebase. Last year we had an even smaller budget than this year so we ended up buying some mops from Poundland instead! We also have a ‘four maximum’ rule which means that the teams have to be properly mixed, which makes it a very welcoming sport.

Don’t let that fool you, it can be pretty brutal. At tournaments there are paramedics on site, but there are few injuries from the bludgers because the dodgeballs are pretty soft, although blows to the face can be pretty painful!

The Cambridge side is actually one

of the newer teams in England, but the sport is becoming more widespread: there are currently around 30 across Britain.

In late October we play matches against both London teams. We also compete in the Southern Cup in late November against teams like Southampton, Bristol and Oxford. There’s even a yearly British Cup, along with the European Cup and the World Cup. So there are plenty of opportunities to compete!

Everyone is welcome to turn up to our sessions – 12pm on Sundays at Jesus Green.

It’s a really laid back environment – most people from last year’s team got involved through friends or from the Facebook page.

We’ve already had our taster session but would love for more people to get involved.

Why not give it a go? It’s easy to pick up the rules (even easier if you’re a fan of the books!), the community are welcoming to everyone — and above all — because it’s a lot of fun!

WILLIAM LYON TUPMAN

When Irish eyes are smiling - RWC week four Connor Lempriere

A

ny rugby fan will tell you that last weekend’s climactic final round of World Cup pool matches brought drama of the highest order. What most probably won’t add is that for them, the dramatic tension peaked not as Scotland were pushed to the narrowest of victories by a rejuvenated Samoa, nor as a heroic 13man Australia held out against a Welsh onslaught in a herculean defensive display. It was, in fact, somewhere beyond the Severn Bridge toll booths, upon realising that their tickets for Ireland’s showdown with France were not hurtling along the Welsh motorway with them, but were in fact on a bedside table in Cambridge.

Yes, I considered writing a response to The Cambridge Student’s request for embarrassing freshers’ stories, but decided that my own fan’s perspective on the weekend’s rugby would serve the end of a humiliating print confessional far better. I can safely say that the single most embarrassing moment in a week – in which I may or may not have taken an unscheduled late night dip amongst the swans on Jesus Green – was, without question, when I somehow managed to forget my tickets for Sunday’s crucial Pool D encounter in Cardiff.

That said, the sense of relief upon securing replacement tickets, thanks largely to the wonderful volunteer staff at the Millennium Stadium, ultimately

Ireland produced a battling performance against a French side

only enhanced the sense of anticipation that was to turn to elation as Ireland produced a strong and battling performance against a French side who appeared to be suffering from the sort of ennui that only four weeks in Croydon can inspire.

It is true, the injuries to O’Connell and O’Mahony and in particular to Johnny Sexton, as well as Sean O’Brien’s likely impending suspension give considerable cause for concern with a quarter final against a very useful Argentinian side looming. However, the performance of those who stepped in to the breach for Ireland was still extremely heartening.

The uninspired French were a notable exception in a weekend that saw compelling performances right from the end-to-end thrills of Samoa versus Scotland, through the engrossing heavyweight slug-fest of Wales versus Australia, all the way to the unfortunate, though nonetheless victorious curtain call by the Brave Blossoms of Japan against the USA. And while the departure of the host nation is always a sad turn of events for a tournament, no matter who you support, on the whole I’m sure that rugby fans of all colours will agree that last weekend’s action has only served to further whet the appetite for the knock out stages to come. With another trip to Cardiff planned for this weekend, I’m looking forward to further drama to come. Though hopefully this time it remains firmly confined to the pitch.

LAND ROVER MENA

: The Rugby World Cup à la française True, football is the bigger sport in France.

But there are still places where rugby reigns supreme: “The atmosphere in Toulon and Toulouse will be different from what you’re seeing in Paris because rugby is very important in those cities.”

Even in Paris some change is evident.

People’s real nationalities come out from behind the Parisian persona they have been trying to portray.

Irish people who live in Paris would never think of supporting France, which ends in a lot of competitive banter. The

traditional French-English rivalry has been emphasised beyond measure, as the French relish in our failure: any mention of the tournament and you are guaranteed a joke by a French supporter about the host nation’s embarrassing performance.

But the focus here is squarely on the French team. There is a huge buzz when France take to the pitch and bars are already jampacked with hopeful onlookers. When they encounter New Zealand this Saturday, there’s no doubt. Every person here will be right behind them.

20

15 October 2015 • The Cambridge Student

Sport

Connor Lempriere:

KERRIE_

How I nearly missed Ireland’s victory, p.18–19

www.tcs.cam.ac.uk/sport

GURDA BACHRATI

Jack May Editor-in-Chief

Freya Sanders Editor-in-Chief

I’m not going to lie, I joined mixed volleyball for the men. As a perpetual singleton – in a female-dominated college and subject – I swear by the creed that the hot single men that some people claim exist in Cambridge can be found in ‘sports, sciences and Cindies’. The latter being a last resort, and the second an impossibility, I decided I might as well give the first a try.

I arrived at the first session disgruntled: my right contact lens had fallen out on the walk to the sports centre, and I’d had to compensate by removing the left one too.

This was unfortunate, I thought, because it meant I would be unable to scout the aesthetic qualities of my male teammates.

It didn’t cross my mind that it also meant I wouldn’t be able to see the ball, the net, or my own feet. Turns out playing volleyball without any kind of optical aid when one is clinically short-sighted is very trippy.

I did have one romcom moment: I fell over a guy tying up his shoelaces; he helped me to my feet. His was the first face that had been close enough to be visible in what felt like hours. It was a beautiful face.

He bought me a 7 Up from the vending machine once I’d caught my breath. Then the conversation turned to his boyfriend.

I’m still single, if anyone’s interested.

Once upon a time, I thought it might be fun to try out some of the more fieldbased elements of track-and-field athletics.

Obviously, to those who know me, I’m not a track kind of guy. I have regular nightmares about running, and an inability to run away from something, so it’s safe to say that 100m sprints, 1800m runs, or anything else of the sort is not my zone.

So I thought the other bits might be more fun. I had been fairly good at long jump in my time, and the pip in my pep and skip in my step had meant that high jump was a fairly safe option, too.

It was thus that I made the perilous decision to try triple jumping. The onetime world-record holder for triple jump was from my town, and there’s a brass line on the floor in the marketplace that marks the length of her winning jump, that I’d saunter along on my way to Greggs for a cheeky sausage roll – sportsman as I am.

I’d googled triple jump a bit, watched a few videos of some people attempting triple jumps on YouTube.

So the fateful afternoon came, and I swaggered up to the start line. I ran, I hopped, I skipped, and I skidded 10m along the track on my knees. Safe to say I didn’t rush to repeat the experience.

I grew up in Cambridge. In other words, I grew up cycling, daily. This endowed me with many qualities that I took for granted: the ability to ride with no handlebars; the skill of being able to dismount gracefully.

I never thought anything of it – I was surrounded by young cycling prodigies.

When I became a student, things changed.

My peers were astounded by my apparent talent. Coming from London, Cumbria, Cornwall, they hadn’t had much use for a bicycle. Suddenly surrounded by those who were slightly wobbly on their steeds – who commented on my ‘powerful thighs’ as I sped up Castle Hill and my rapidity as I panted along Grange Road, late for lectures – I grew too big for my boots.

I decided I would try cycling for real, with the lycra and the really thin tyres; the knowledge of what an ‘inner tube’ is and why there is no ‘outer tube’. Three weeks later I brought Huntingdon Road to a halt for half an hour, summoned two police cars and an ambulance, and woke up in a pool of blood. I had taken a corner a little too fast, and ended up cracking my head open on a manhole cover. I still have the scars – literal and metaphorical. The memory of my hubris justifies the fact that I am now the slowest cyclist ever.

Women’s Cycling

Mary Hollander

Men’s Athletics

Mixed Volleyball

Sporting disasters: Three students’ attempts to exercise