How do I grieve as a Christian?

Q Someone I love recently died. I know that we believe in life after death, but I am still struggling. Am I wrong to be sad? Is it OK that I wish they were still here?

A Thank you so much for your question. And please know of my prayers for you and for all those who love and now miss your loved one. Death is one of those things that can just shake us in the most secret and hidden depths of our souls. Death often reveals parts of our hearts and areas of ourselves that were hitherto unknown. Sometimes we find a new strength to be there for the people who are left. Sometimes we discover a new compassion and patience for others who are hurting. And sometimes we find new wounds; we can experience loss and loneliness, grief and sadness at a depth we hadn’t known was possible.

All of these emotions get to be a part of your grief.

There are no “correct” emotions. I apologize if this is obvious, but there is no emotion that you “ought” to feel, and no emotion that you “ought not” to feel. Emotions are like scents in the air; some might be more pleasant than others, but there is no “right” smell. As long as you can get enough oxygen to your system, you’ll survive.

At the same time (to really stretch the analogy), some smells will give us an indication of what is going on around us. If you smell gasoline, there might be some kind of leak or a spill. If you smell fresh baked bread, it might be almost time for supper. If you smell coffee being brewed, it might be time to wake up. In this case, certain scents can be cues for us; they indicate something about our environment.

Similarly, our emotions can give us an indication of what is going on within us and outside of us. A friend of mine once said, “Our emotions do not reveal the truth about reality, but they do reveal the truth about the state of our hearts.” So, we would be wise to pay attention to our emotions. Because of this, you do not need to worry whether your emotions are “Christian enough.” You have human emotions. That’s all. To experience fear or anger or sadness in the face of death is neither right nor wrong. It just is. In fact, the Bible is filled with holy people who experienced normal and powerful sadness when confronted by death. Abraham and Sarah were married for well over half a century. When Sarah died, Genesis 23 states that Abraham “went to mourn for Sarah and to weep over her.” Jacob mourned for years over the apparent death of his son Joseph. When David’s son Absalom died (while trying to kill his own father), David went up to the gate over the city and could be heard weeping and crying aloud, “My son, my son, Absalom! Would that I had died instead of you! My son, Absalom!”

While we Catholic Christians recognize that the freedom Jesus wants to give us extends beyond this world to eternal salvation, God wants to give us freedom in this life, too. When we are free from sin, life is so much more beautiful. The air is fresh. We sometimes forget how great it is to live in fresh air. The birds are singing. Our ears are no longer ringing with the noise of me, me, me. Life smells good. Life is beautiful now as we walk to the one who is calling us, as we walk to Jesus. Which can then get us to ask ourselves: What, especially inside of us, blocks our freedom? Or to use the term of the Gospel, what ties us up? Today, we are being called away from our sins — negativity, blaming, accusing, judging, lack of forgiveness, gossip, revenge, complaining, anger, addictions, self-loathing or whatever keeps us from the land of the living.

Once we are freed from what binds us, we have a call to help others. Others who are still bound. We can invite them, like Jesus, to come out of the tombs and come into life. We are called to care for others, re-affirm them, encourage them, let them know that God’s mercy is infinitely greater than sin. We can tell them, “You don’t belong in the darkness, you belong out here in the light. You don’t belong among the dead. You belong among the living.” We can have a hand in untying them, so they also can be free to live. We are called to remind others that they are known, loved and chosen, and that they are beautiful, respected and beloved daughters and sons of God. We see clearly in this passage who has the power not only to love us despite our sins, but also to bring about our freedom in this life and in the life to come.

Father Joppa is pastor of St. Rita in Cottage Grove.

Even our Lord Jesus Christ was moved to tears by the death of his friend Lazarus. We know the story of how the brother of Mary and Martha had been sick for a time, only to die four days before Jesus arrived on the scene. When Jesus came to the tomb of his friend, Jesus wept. Even though Jesus knew that he would raise Lazarus from the dead in a few short moments, when confronted with death (and with the grief of those who mourned Lazarus), God wept.

Later, when St. Paul was leaving his friends and fellow disciples from Ephesus, they threw their arms around him and wept because they would never see him again in this life.

All of this is to say that Christians grieve. Christians feel the sting of loss like everyone else. Christians know that death is a real parting. It is a real loss.

Christians can wish that we did not have to say goodbye to those we love. After all, we will never again see those people in this life. We do not know when we will see them again. It is only natural that goodbyes would cut a part of us to pieces.

And yet, for the Christian who dies, we believe that “life is changed, not ended.” We believe that those whom we love who die in Christ are alive in Christ. We believe that the souls of the just are in the hands of God, and that no further torment can touch them. We believe that because of Jesus, death no longer has the final word. We believe that, while

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DAILY Scriptures

Sunday, March 26

Fifth Sunday of Lent

Ez 37:12-14

Rom 8:8-11

Jn 11:1-45

Monday, March 27

Dn 13:1-9, 15-17, 19-30, 33-62 Jn 8:1-11

Tuesday, March 28 Nm 21:4-9 Jn 8:21-30

Wednesday, March 29 Dn 3:14-20, 91-92, 95 Jn 8:31-42

Thursday, March 30 Gn 17:3-9 Jn 8:51-59

Friday, March 31 Jer 20:10-13 Jn 10:31-42

Saturday, April 1 Ez 37:21-28 Jn 11:45-56

Sunday, April 2 Palm Sunday of the Lord’s Passion Mt 21:1-11 Is 50:4-7 Phil 2:6-11 Mt 26:14–27:66

Monday, April 3 Holy Week Is 42:1-7 Jn 12:1-11

Tuesday, April 4 Holy Week Is 49:1-6 Jn 13:21-33, 36-38

Wednesday, April 5 Holy Week Is 50:4-9a Mt 26:14-25

Thursday, April 6 Mass of the Lord’s Supper Ex 12:1-8, 11-14 1 Cor 11:23-26 Jn 13:1-15

Friday, April 7 Good Friday of the Lord’s Passion Is 52:13–53:12 Heb 4:14-16; 5:7-9 Jn 18:1–19:42

Saturday, April 8 Easter Vigil Gn 1:1–2:2 Gn 22:1-18 Ex 14:15–15:1 Is 54:5-14 Is 55:1-11

Bar 3:9-15, 32–4:4

Ez 36:16-17a,18-28 Rom 6:3-11 Mt 28:1-10

Sunday, April 9 Easter Sunday The Resurrection of the Lord Acts 10:34a, 37-43 Col 3:1-4 or 1 Cor 5:6b-8 Jn 20:1-9

KNOW the SAINTS

ST. FRANCIS OF PAOLA (1416-1507) Francis chose a religious path after his parents introduced him to the Franciscan friars at age 12. He shunned a worldly life and for the most part lived as a hermit. He founded the Friars Minims. He traveled barefoot and his simple life emphasized prayer and penance. He prayed at the bedside of King Louis XI of France and was a friend of his successor, Charles VIII. Francis is patron of seafarers, many of whom have attributed miracles to his intercession. His feast day is April 2.