Domestic Violence Awareness: #KnowDVJFS

October 2023

By: Rachel Green, Director of Programs and Services

Imagine you’re having coffee with a friend, and you notice something is amiss. She shares with you that her parents won’t be visiting for the holidays, which strikes you as unusual. She also mentions that she needs to finish her coffee quickly because she doesn’t like being away from home for too long. She explains that her boyfriend prefers her to be home when he returns from work. When you ask her how things are going with her new boyfriend (remember, she was excited about him the last time you talked), she responds with a forced smile, saying, “Great,” before swiftly changing the subject. Despite her words saying “great,” your intuition tells you otherwise.

Jewish Family Services’

(JFS’) #KnowDVJFS Campaign aims to educate about warning signs of domestic violence and abuse, to help us listen to that “gut feeling,” and to learn ways to take action. Sarah Stewart, author of “The Monster in My Home: Surviving Evil” explains eight early warning signs in her blog post, https://nomore.org/early-warning-signs-of-abuse/.

- Love Bombing: Showers you with attention and affection early on; makes you feel special, loved, and appreciated; lowers your defenses and makes you feel closer to the person than you really are.

- Moving the Goal Post: In the beginning, generally doting, kind, and affectionate; often mirrors your values and goals. Over time, changes opinions and values.

- Isolating You: At the beginning, may compliment your friends and family and want to spend time with them. Over time, pulls away from your loved ones and encourages you to pull away.

- Owning You: Doesn’t see you as a person, instead sees you as a possession. Early on, says you are “theirs” or claims you are their boyfriend or girlfriend very early, sometimes before the first date.

- Disrespecting Others: May make derogatory comments about others, call others names, tell you they dated someone “crazy” in the past, or lack close relationships with others. May appear charming, but is disrespectful when you pay attention to how they talk about others.

- Double Standards: Abusers often look down on others for the same things that they do.

- Blaming Everyone Else: Often blames others for their actions and takes responsibility only when manipulating someone. Abusers tell victims the abuse is the victim’s fault or that the victim “made” them do it.

- Pushing Boundaries: Breaks your boundaries, initially in small, subtle ways. For example, leaves dirty dishes in the sink after you’ve asked them to put them in the dishwasher. Over time, encroaches more and more on your boundaries.

By understanding these warning signs, JFS hopes that each one of us can #KNOWDVJFS and take action. Ask for support from family and friends if any red flags cause us concern in our own relationships. Seek information and support from organizations such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline (https://www.thehotline.org/) or Jewish Women’s International (https://www.jwi.org), a leading Jewish organization working to prevent domestic violence.

How do we take action if we notice a friend or loved one experiencing red flags or warning signs in their relationship? Some of us may worry about upsetting our friend or losing a relationship if we say something. Some of us may feel at a total loss of what to say and how to say it. According to the One Love Foundation (https://www.joinonelove.org/), a non-profit with the goal of ending relationship abuse, there are a few simple guidelines that can help frame these conversations.

- Calmly start the conversation on a positive note.

- Be supportive and do more listening than talking.

- Focus on unhealthy behaviors, rather than their partner as a person. Focus on concerning behaviors and share how you might feel if you experienced them and why you are concerned. Be specific about the behaviors.

- Keep the conversation friendly. It’s important for your friend not to feel judged.

- Do not place the blame on your friend. It is NOT their fault their partner is acting this way.

- Allow your friend to make their own decisions, you can’t make them decide anything.

- Offer Solutions. You can help your friend think of choices and you can suggest options, but they have to decide for themselves.

- Expect more conversations in the future.

One more important guideline if you are the one supporting someone who is a victim of domestic violence: get support for yourself. It can be emotionally draining, sad, scary, and even frustrating when you are helping a friend or loved one experiencing abuse. Gather your own support system, practice selfcare and boundaries. Remember, you can provide support, suggestions, and love, but you can’t fix the problem for them.

Please visit the JFS table in the front lobby of the Levine Jewish Community Center during the month of October to learn more and support the #KnowDVJFS Domestic Violence Awareness campaign. If you or anyone you know needs support, please reach out to JFS at (704) 3646594.