withinder

withinder:dating bios for the self-aware

Real locals sharing their real dating bio. We think it will be...illuminating.

Annie, 32

Hi. Here’s what I’m not. Your mother. I do cook and clean but not out of duty or allegiance. If I feel you are slacking because you know I will pick up that slack I will murder you in my fantasies. A lot. I will also stand on a principle longer than you could ever guess. I once watched half a pizza rot on the floor because my boyfriend didn’t dispose of it after eating the bulk of it and it became a standoff of who will dispose of it. It was there for 9 days. 9. Finally my boyfriend’s mom came to visit and he threw it out like it was no big deal. So...I win? Don’t fucking answer that. I ask things sometimes. Don’t answer them. Even if I ask you to. Do I sound fun?

ANSWER ME!

Here’s what I am. Very attentive. WHATCHA DOIN? HOW BOUT NOW? OK SEE YOU IN 5. But I’m cute and cuddly and give good head so it won’t bug you. Until it does, and then nothing will save the relationship and we must duel for who gets the cat. Or whatever we picked up at the Humane Society together when we were drunk that one night. I’ll also wait up for you. ALL NIGHT. Doesn’t that sound healthy? Just me and the cat I barely know constantly checking the clock wondering if it will ever stop being a quarter past pathetic.

Here’s what I want. Lots of cuddles, lies about my weight, lies about my cooking and painful truths about WHERE YOU WERE UNTIL HALF PAST PATHETIC LAST NIGHT!!!

I will rock your world in the bedroom until I stop. Then it’s gone forever. It’s not a game, I just...get tired of wieners? I dunno. So if good sex is something you’re looking for then you are in luck, for a few months. I’m funny. I am that. And I use humor to distract and confuse while I run away. I also use humor to test you. OH YOU THINK THAT’S FUNNY? Anyway. So...who wants in?

Rose, 35

I’m looking for a sugar daddy to take care of my financial needs and spoil me and my beautiful children. I have no interest in being a badass boss bitch or supporting myself/my family financially. I would love to be a stay at home mom/artist. I will cook, clean and create art that helps me process my big emotions and childhood trauma while you bring home the bacon. Sexual attraction is a must. No creeps or weirdos. No uglies. Thick dick preferred, length is negotiable. I go for the outdoorsy type. Need to look good in a flannel and shirtless while chopping wood for our rustic cabin home and wood burning stove (that you buy for us). Looking for someone fun, empathetic, kind, nurturing, adventurous, patient and witty with healthy boundaries and a banging bod. Slide into my DM’s and let’s get this thing started.

Beth, 25

Hey there! Are you a young man filled with confidence, drive, a good heart and a good family? Then come let me drain you of those burdens! I’m totally great at slowly taking over someone else’s life - at least all the good parts, I have my own bad parts so...we good there.

Now don’t be turned off by the fact that I’m only 25 and have owned as many vehicles. I’m not rich, just real good at finding people who have a 12 year old car about to die that I can have for a year at best. And with all the money I save on car payments I can afford to buy the finest Ramen-based microwavable goods to cook for us baby. And with not caring about the environment at all, we don’t have dishes to worry about so I can spend more time feeling bad about not putting away my clean laundry and instead letting it fall on the floor where it soon melds with the dirty clothes. Vicious, vicious cycle.

I watch a lot of British TV so know that you’ll be constantly judged about your lack of Britishness. While I scrape the bottom of the styrofoam cup for those tiny onion slices that think they can outsmart a bitch. Because classy.

Ok, write back! I love you already and I can tell I’m really gonna get along with your mom. Can’t wait to gossip with her about you! XO

Created and compiled by Sarah Sims. Send your self-aware dating bio to sarahradarstation@gmail.com C