And then there is something

By Neil Andrew Formalejo

Ben folded the letter, containing three neatlyhandwritten paragraphs. He labeled it, “And then there is something”. A direct reference to his favorite mystery book, “And then there were none.” by Agatha Christie. Why? Perhaps he wanted to change the ending. One little soldier boy was left all alone; He went and… someone defied and outsmarted the manic designer of the whole fiasco. A fantasy he wanted to replicate. However, reality is bitter. If he can’t win the game of life, perhaps he can cheat and take the shortcut to the end. After all, everyone is bound to go there. Everything that matters is only the end. All he needs is that tiny push to swallow all the pills.

Ben remembered his first date with Maria, a branch manager of a fast food chain. She was so stunning during that night, that he was left stuttering at some point. He knew her since college but only last week did he have the guts to ask her out, the moment he saw her while eating in the branch where she works.

“So what are your plans for the future?” she asked. “I haven’t figured out everything yet but I’m gonna finish law School.” Ben replied proudly. After a month of dating, Maria, an intelligent charming beauty finally said “yes” to Ben, a 2nd year law student who is still figuring out life. Even though it wasn’t explained to her completely, Ben dropped some hints to Maria about why, instead of already building a successful career just like her after college, he pursued law school. His father, a janitor at City Hall, is in prison, convicted of murder for the death of one of the city counselors. A very infamous case; a violent crime, a man of position stabbed to death a dozen times, then a sloppy cleanup. Ben believes that his father is an innocent man, framed for this crime because he is convenient. He believes that their poverty has sealed his father’s fate of being convicted, knowing too well that they didn’t stand a chance against a broken system that favors the wealthy and powerful. He vowed that one day, he will be the key to his father’s freedom.

To make ends meet, Ben maintains his scholarship by having an excellent academic performance while working as a part time clerk. Balancing out his relationship, his study, and his work is a tough thing to do, but he managed it for three semesters. His momentum and drive just proves his intense determination. But it won’t be enough, for there are forces of evil in this world that can destroy him. His presence caught the attention of one professor. Ben has been told several times, even before, that he is a good-looking fella. It started in a playful manner. With all the teasings in the outside school affairs to the frequent unsolicited compliments. Ben is weirded out at first. Maybe he’s just really nice. The point came however where the chase was cut. There is the verbal invitation of “doing it with him” as he can “help” him in his studies. He also made Ben understand that he is aware of the situation of him having a scholarship and relying on it to continue studying. A chilling implication of the power he has over him.

“Come on, it will just be one night and I will make sure you’ll have a bright future,” the professor told him. Ben is frozen, not knowing what to do as the hands of his professor are locked in his backside, pressing and caressing it suggestively. He politely declined, removed the hand and thanked him for the offer. Awkward silence follows as he walks away, away, trembling.

Although he didn’t completely fail the subject, he got a mark, low enough to have his scholarship completely revoked. During class, whenever there is a chance, the professor would display his power, a subtle way of threatening Ben. Out of fear that it may get worse, Ben stayed silent, not telling a soul about the incident. He has to double his efforts now that he will be paying a tuition fee. Besides working as a clerk, he also did side hustles like completing academic paperwork for students, online-selling, and sometimes, in his freetime as a delivery boy for a water-refilling station. Every sacrifice he makes is still not enough. He didn’t want to bother his mother for financial assistance as she is also supporting his two brothers still in high school. He stopped for a semester so he can save up enough money.

This is where his relationship with Maria starts to turn sour. Time, communication, empathy, and trust—the ingredients for a strong romantic bond—slowly fades. Maria wanted the Ben she’d come to know—sweet and always there. She didn’t understand why he was slowly killing himself and, in turn, chipping away at what they had for this dream of his. When they got into fights, she would lash out and tell him it was his fault for not doing good enough to keep his scholarship. Maybe they wouldn’t have to be like this. She also suggested that he could’ve gotten a career already and be successful just like her. One moment is all it takes to reach the tipping point. During an argument, she blurted out words that cannot be unheard.

“I want security, Ben. We are not getting any younger. I want the whole you. Look, I love you very much but you are not realistic.” He knows what this means. It’s as if he is almost hearing her say, You can stop law school Ben, it’s not for you.

She said things within this line, but it’s more shocking, “Ben, you can stop this hero complex nonsense. You cannot save your father. He is already convicted. A murderer. Be realistic, Ben. You still have a life ahead of you. Do not waste it on a man who cold-bloodedly killed someone. You can move forward with me or be stuck in this awful misery.” She walked away from him after that and never looked back.

Those words have cut him deeply. If only she had the slightest idea why he is in this situation. However, he didn’t want her to carry the baggage of his tragedy. Although he is in deep pain after their relationship ended, he needs to continue. With how hurtful those words she left, he thinks that mending the relationship won’t be possible. To stomp in your dream, to pour out hatred towards the one you love and are fighting for, and to break your heart.

Slowly but surely, he made sure to be back on the track. Physical sickness struck him frequently, with all those emotional turmoil he is going through, added up with the stress from his studies and his multiple jobs and hustles. Albeit being delayed for like a year and a half, with the cycle of stopping and continuing, he is now nearing his goal. Just one semester left and he will already graduate. So what are your plans for the future? Maria whispered. In his dreams, she’s still here, celebrating all the fruitful success that is about to come. Take the bar exam, pass, fight for justice and save his father. It’s almost in the tip of his hand. Almost…

A terrible news shattered this moment of bliss and reclaimed his hope of redeeming his purpose to live. His father died in a chaotic riot inside the prison. It was ruled out that he is just one of those unfortunate victims of the unruliness inside. No foul play, or cover up. And just like that, he lost all the meaning of why he was making all these sacrifices. Just one semester left, and yet, there is just no point. This image of being a chivalrous brave knight, fighting for what’s right and in turn, saving a poor victim of injustice is what keeps him moving forward. It reinforces the idea that he is meant to pursue this and that the universe reserved this place for him. Then this happened. The final straw that pushed Ben’s wits.

After the gloomy days of mourning for this tragedy and being a strong man for his mother and brothers, something just snapped inside him.

“This is all my fault. If I wasn’t delayed, then it wouldn’t have to come up to this point. If only I had sacrificed my dignity back in those days then maybe… Maybe I would’ve the chance to do something instead of dragging myself into a deep pit of misery. Just for one night he said. Had I not been this selfish then… then… maybe Maria is right. I’m not realistic enough. I still have a life ahead of me back in those days. I could’ve been somewhere much higher than where I am currently at. I could’ve spent that time already building myself and letting go of my unrealistic pursuit. I could’ve been so much more. My life wouldn’t have been wasted. I could’ve been much happier. I … I …”

“So what are your plans for the future?”

The ghost of Maria whispered.

“Oh sweetheart, look at me now. I’m going. Please help me gather the strength and get it over with. I’m going.”

His vision is blurred as his eyes are drenched with tears. This is the point where he now places the letter labeled “And then there is something” beside his pillow. Writing it has been the most cathartic thing he has done since his father’s death. He is sure that it would easily be spotted as soon as someone discovers his body. It’s like a closure to this dark chapter in his life. Besides, he didn’t want to leave his mother hanging and keep her wondering her entire life why all of this happened. It’s a confession about how this cruel life robbed him of the courage to keep going, not just in pursuing his dreams, but also in living. There is no point.

Alone in his dormitory room, he is left with the most dangerous enemy of all– himself. All the darkest thoughts that have been throbbing at the back of his mind for quite some time, have now fully consumed him. Before he swallowed the pills, he wanted to say goodbye to Maria for the last time. He opened his phone and searched her name on social media. Nowhere to be found. She must’ve changed her name. She tried calling her but he was met with a busy tone. Chances are, he might’ve been blocked also.

While scrolling through his timeline, he saw a post, a statement from student councils. A collective condemnation against a certain professor for his misdemeanor, exhibiting disgusting behavior and exercising abuse. That very same person who started this chain of tragic events for him. While the investigation is rolling, the professor is suspended. He knew that there would be hefty time for gathering evidence, and collecting statements from witnesses. It made him think. What if??? Almost reconsider what he’s doing. The world stopped spinning. He played every scenario in his brain.

“If I come as a witness then, I would help in serving justice.”

This has become a way to assess his life. It’s like cold water was splashed in his face and restored his senses. “I haven’t figured out everything yet, but I’m going to finish law school.”And just an inch closer he is very close to that.

“Why did I start? At first, it’s for my father. But there may be a much heavier reason why I keep going.” He took a step back and closed the bottle of those deadly pills. He regains his composure while pondering on this. He needs to figure this out so that he will have peace of mind. The realization hits.

“So that’s what it is. I want to make things right. I want justice. Now that my father has passed away, God help his soul, I won’t have to do this for just one person. Now that Maria is gone from my life, I wouldn’t have to become someone for her approval.”

He has been on a bumpy road for quite a while. The thing is, he has been viewing his path in the wrong way. With his heart and his good intentions, he is destined to be a lawyer– defender of rights and fighter of injustice. The next step he would take is to make sure that the predator that has ravaged his ounce of humanity would taste the fangs it deserves.

Ben ripped his suicide note, composed an email about his willingness to assist on the issue and take the whole day off, resting, as he may need all his strength for tomorrows battle.