The Devastator #4: Arcade

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ARCADE JAMES KOCHALKA JON SCHNEPP DANNY HELLMAN COREY LEWIS SUPER MEAT BOY AND MORE!

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ARCADE

GEOFFREY GOLDEN - Editor-in-Chief AMANDA MEADOWS - Managing Editor RUSSELL LEE - Design Director Contributing Editors: PATRICK BAKER JOHN F. FORD MICKI GROVER ASTERIOS KOKKINOS LESLEY TSINA LYNNE DONAHUE - Photo Editor REUBEN SAUNDERS - Associate Editor LEE KEELER - Marketing Coodinator

Copyright © 2011 The Devastator and its Contributors.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No part of this work can be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without the permission of the copyright owner, unless such copying is permitted by federal copyright law.

First Edition: November 2011 ISBN-13: 978-0-9845838-3-6 ISBN-10: 0-9845838-3-1 devastatorquarterly.com Cover Art by Danny Hellman PRINTED IN TRON CITY KOREA The Devastator is a book of satire. All names and characters who appear in this book are fictional and satirical representations. Any similarities to Devastator creations and living persons are purely coincidental. Also, don’t sue us. We have no money!

CONTENTS The Raw Spiel with the editors 1 A Land Called Arcade by Corey Lewis 2 Sinistartlingly Racist! by Geoffrey Golden, art by Shing Yin Khor 3 Attract Mode by James Kochalka 5 The Arcade Hire by Ryan Sandoval, art by Lily Sparks 10 Chuck E. Cheese’s Extreme Make-Believe Band Set List by Asterios Kokkinos 13 Street Fighter You! by Geoffrey Golden, art by Erin Nagy 14 Joystick Division by Lee Keeler, art by Mark Aguilar 15 Mr. Do: Return of the Dino Drones by Amanda Meadows, art by Grace Anderson 17 Kannibal Kids by Jared Hedges 19 Meat Boy and Dr. Fetus by Edmund McMillen 21 There’s No Burger Like Show Burger by Micki Grover 22 Ticket To Life: Maslow’s Hierarchy of Arcade Prizes by Lynne Donahue 24 Sadventure by Jon Schnepp 25 Marvel Brand Mgmt. vs. Capcom Legal Affairs by Patrick Baker, art by Ajay Karat 29 Marriage Command by Matt Taylor 34 Community Service Rampage by Greg Schmidt, art by Jimmy Hasse 35 Stat Attack! A Gamer Relationship by the Numbers by Lesley Tsina 36 Contributors 38 Advertisement: Lame & Busted by Renie Rivas, photos by Lynne Donahue 40 Journey of Decisions: Night at the ARRRRR-CADE! by John Ford, cover by Marc J. Palm Reverse

THE RAW SPIEL with the editors

Gamezooks, Devastators and Devastatrixes! It’s your best pal in the whole world Geoffrey Golden, Editorin-Chief! I’m like Master Chief, except instead of running around shooting Brute Captains, I run around editing a comedy magazine! If anyone gets in my way, THEN I shoot ‘em! Just kidding, guys and gals! Contrary to the police reports, I do not drive with an unlicensed firearm in my glove compartment! I saw no search warrant, so what do they (legally) know?!

Hope you have a roll of quarters, because your melodious Managing Editor, Amanda Meadows, and I present to you the Arcade issue! It’s so exciting, it’ll “kill screen” your brain! ZWIP!!! We’re gaspingly humblefied to bring you top talents James Kochalka, Jon Schnepp, and Super Meat Boy! The D-Team Writers and Artists have outdone themselves this issue, mining the hilarious sadness of gamer relationships (Lesley Tsina’s “Stat Attack”), working at a seedy arcade (Ryan Sandoval’s “The Arcade Hire”), and the Rampage games (Schmidt and Hasse’s “Community Service Rampage”)!

Hey, are you a subscriber? Being a Devastator subscriber is better than sex!

That’s right, you can have sex with the Devastator issues that get mailed to your door! There are already a number of online fetish sites about it that I started!

All your subscribening dreams come true at devastatorquarterly.com. If you’re already a subscriber, don’t let this issue be “game over” for you, because that would make me so mad I’ll commit arson at Devastator HQ again! Just kidding!!!

But seriously, the threat stands! Subscribe now!

Hail Devastator,

Geoffrey Golden Editor-in-Chief

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geoffrey@devastatorquarterly.com twitter.com/getdevastated facebook.com/getdevastated

The classic 80s arcade game Sinistar was an early example of voice recording in games. However, once you start letting game villains talk, it’s only a matter of time before they say something they regret. (See: Bowser drunk dialing Princess Toadstool on YouTube.)

“I am Sinistar.”

“I hunger.”

“Run, coward!”

“Hitler had some good ideas!”

“Your ship is mine!”

“No weapon can defeat me!”

“What? Hitler did have some good ideas! I don’t agree with what he did, but Mein Kampf is surprisingly engaging! Pre-war Germany was not black and white!”

“Prepare for annihilation!”

“You are doomed!”

“You should be focused on collecting more Sinibombs!”

“Aargh!”

“Okay, I just meant I sympathize with Hitler. He tried to bring order to Germany, just like I’m trying to bring order to the galaxy. I sympathize with the Jews, but poor Hitler too, y’know? You could say that I’m an empathic giant space head, able to see both sides of an issue.”

“Fear me!”

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“Fine! If what I screamed at you while trying to destroy your spaceship hurt your feelings, I sincerely apologize. I am not a Nazi.”

“Beware, I live!”

“I will also issue a special apology to my ship pilots, two of whom are partJewish. I could never be resurrected if you guys didn’t work so hard harvesting and connecting crystals. I realize words can hurt more than even the most powerful laser!”

“Beware, I hunger!”

“It appears my apology was not enough! Everyone is asking me to leave– so I will! I’m going back home to the Planetoid Zone to confront my racist father.

That’s right, my father’s racist. I’m not blaming him for my uncharacteristic outburst, but I think you all should know that about me. Okay, see you in about a month when everyone has cooled off!”

“You dare defy me?!”

[END]

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Arcades are awesome. Jobs suck. Does a job at an arcade negate all possible fun? Yes. Observe this employee contract thrown at us by a scared teen on the street.

GOLD MINE ARCADE EMPLOYEE HANDBOOK Welcome to the Gold Mine Video Arcade, “where we let strangers push our buttons!” You join us at an exciting time, as we recently merged with DigiSturm Incorporado, third largest manufacturer of AM frequency shower radios in Central America. While this job may seem to be literally “all fun and games,” please review the following packet concerning our rules of operation.

Cleaning the Games Gaming maintenance is key to customer satisfaction and must be performed on a weekly basis. It is our goal to reduce the number of spinal diseases and teen comas caused by unsanitary playing conditions. IMPORTANT: Stray pepperoni and rat skeletons left inside the heated console bowels may create a noxious gas that may loosen hair from the scalp and cause color blindness. If a patron displays such symptoms, offer one (1) 10% off coupon to Hot Dog Hoop (Home of the Famous Circular Weenie) and do not allow re-entrance to the arcade.

Dealing with Unruly Gamers Every job has its troublemakers.

But whether a disruptive guest pours slushed ice down a nerd’s pants, or carves high scores and racial slurs into a console display, never react violently. Contrary to popular belief, there is not a special place on a customer’s body that is legal to punch, kick, or headbutt. Instead, try insulting the offender’s gaming ability or lack of potency with the opposite sex. However, if they are clearly “king of the arcade,” offer a swift apology as tastemaker presence is necessary for business.

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Our No Refunds Policy We enforce a strict “no refunds” policy. This arcade is not a charity (although for tax purposes we are occasionally a church). If a patron demands eaten coinage, explain that half the fun of gaming is not knowing whether the machine will accept one’s request for play. The patron must fill out and return the fifteen-page Refund Request Form (document 11550-AFBVS v1.2.3), along with the $30 processing fee, six forms of identification, and an essay on the prompt “Why I Care About One Lousy Quarter.”

Treating a Nacho Cheese Burn Beneath our neon sign reading Snack Shack is an array of refreshments, including skin’s greatest, tastiest enemy: nacho cheese. Should a patron get burned from our awardwinning dip (Zestiest Condiment, Recreational Industry Cook Up 1993-1995), salvage as much Yellow Gold® as possible and return it to the melting bin. Our unique recipe (made with 12 secret herbs and spices and edible silicone) has a near eternal shelf life. To prevent blistering, sell the customer a cup of ice, and direct him to the plaza fountain south of Ol’ Footsy’s Shoelace Kiosk for continued treatment.

Recognizing a Game-Induced Seizure The arcade’s flashing lights and hyperactive graphics (our “Fun Factor”) causes photosensitive epilepsy an average of 3-5 times per week. These pesky insurance liabilities must be handled with care and secrecy. Should a patron collapse into a wild fit, determine if it is a joke seizure by allowing the tantrum to continue for at least 20 minutes. If it is real, throw a roll of quarters from a safe distance into the nerve-mad individual’s mouth to prevent tongue biting. Do not fling in an overarm fashion, as coins may explode off the face and other gamers will scavenge the loose change like piñata candy (this will be deducted from your paycheck). Use the Emergency Bubble Wrap to secure the afflicted in a “human burrito,” then blow crushed sleeping pills up the nostrils with a recycled soda straw. After hours, d i s c r e t e l y transport the bound danderfreak to the steps of a neighboring town’s firehouse.

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Accommodating a Video Game Celebrity Rubbing elbows with industry elite is just one perk of being an arcadesman (the other is temporary shelter from the elements). Should famous gamers like Robbie the Wrist or Coco Buttons visit, offer them one complimentary Gold Mine toy whistle or novelty deck of tiny playing cards. Allow the cocky pro to “walk all over you” until the local arcade king challenges him to a game-off. Should the career star lose, photograph this event: disgraced stick-jockeys will pay top dollar to erase all shaming evidence, and may even wish to have his competitor “taken care of.” If you sense this to be the case, pick up the red phone next to the claw machine and wait 5 seconds.

An assassin will do the rest.

Delivering Arcade Income to the Local Mafia It takes a village to run a video arcade! It also takes the support of local crime lords who demand a cut of our earnings in exchange for protection.

When dealing with a mob representative, remember this simple initialism: NFBAMSWG, or, No Funny Business or Acting in a Manner Similar to that of a Wise Guy. Simply hand over the briefcase of quarters and say, “You must be the guy here for this thing.” He will reply, “I am, yes indeedy.” Failing to speak this phrase verbatim will spook the crony, negate the deal, and place your family in immediate danger.

As an employee of DigiSturm Incorporado, I, the undersigned, accept these terms and sole responsibility for activity which may occur on the premises, including but not limited to: money laundering, the selling and fighting of rare animals, and storage of Honduran biological weaponry.

X_______________________

DATE___________

Page 12: Billy draws a gun! “You were supposed to be my friend,” he screams, “why couldn’t you just be nice to me? WHY CAN’T ANYONE JUST BE NICE TO ME?!” BANG! THE END. 12